Hi this is my first time I've felt comfortable
about posting here.
One of my issues is that I feel the need to constantly apologize ... I’m a little wordy, so please bear with me (I’ve been on DU from 2005). I am from Canada (although born in London, UK) .
I was diagnosed with clinical depression around the summer of 2010. Although it came as a huge shock to me that I had clinical depression.
I think my symptoms started as early as 2008. Although I’m not 100% sure.
Around that time I used to get a slightly vague flu-like nausea. Just mild at first, I think it often went away. But it always came back, and then the occasional panic attack started. However, my panic attacks did not seem to be triggered by anything. I used to fight these panic attacks.
Now, I am normally a very level-headed person, so I understood what was happening ... they sent by blood pressure way way high, and then my blood pressure dropped fast, very fast.
They became more frequent, I tried to tell some people, at first they understood, but the attacks became more frequent. I had to slowly stop working (for obvious reasons). And then in early 2010 I had an attack that seemed to last for hours. I thought any second that death was going to be instant. If I fainted I don’t know. But somehow I wasn’t scared. I can’t explain it no normal fear, but something I had never felt before. It was like incredible pain, but it didn’t feel like pain. It was like nothing I knew or could relate to.
I did recover, and felt some relief, but I was very shaken. I returned to work about 3 weeks later, but I didn’t feel normal.
The nausea came back, this time far worse and around June 2010 I was preparing for work (I worked nights), and I had another huge attack, this time worse. I have never been quite “normal” since”.
I thought I had leukaemia or something so did my (much older) parents. They came over and picked us up, and we spent a week out there. I improved occasionally, but then it got worse. I felt disembodied, they thought I might get better, but I went through a period of some strange hell for two maybe three days. I couldn’t even walk properly.
My father was now seriously worried that I was dangerously ill (not mentally). By now I remember going to the GP. He started checking me out and he said I was fine, however I had the symptoms of clinical depression. He immediately put a sublimgual Ativan under my tongue and sat with me. He also started me on Lexipro (spelling? sorry).
It was horrible at first, but I came around after about 14 days, possibly more? It was like a miracle. Although I still needed a while to recover. My blood tests showed one strange anomaly: my sodium level was very, very low. Luckily my heart and circulation were good, and oddly my cholesterol levels were very low. I was asked if I had been drinking a lot of water, and I had been, a lot, with zero appetite.
I guess my electrolytes were low and that could have been a contributing factor. (If I’m sounding ridiculously self-analytical your right!)
I’ll try and cut to the chase: my libido all but vanished. However, I returned to work and later had a good 9 months (of relative normality.
But I was never the same. I talked far too much, I lost close friends. I became estranged from my partner. And then I thought I was normal again, except this time I felt fearless (quite literally), everything I learned thoughout my life seemed to be instantly available at my recall. The problem was much of what I knew was real (I have an unusual second job involving New York and words). Consequently when I knew things I wasn’t joking. I think some people found me interesting, gradually most people avoided me.
I thought I was better in late 2017 (I had been prescribed far too much Lexipro 30 mgs.
I started reducing slowly, I felt better and I publicly came out and said what was wrong wrong with me. Congratulations poured in on FaceBook. But this year, after all that, after feeling more confident.
I’m in crisis. Right now. As I post. I’m lapsing between joy and despair.
I’m not suicidal.
I’m not going to self harm.
I have a good doctor now, but I’m just not sure what I feel.
FYI: I’ve had some major oral surgery dental work done over the last couple of months, and I was prescribed Tramadol.
I was an idiot a fool, I know what Tramadol is. It worked great! At least I thought it did. I had assured my doctor that I’d be ultra cautious. And I was. But after 3 days zero sleep. It’s been like this for about 6 weeks. I’m up, down all over the place.
I was told by several friends that I was BSing. Losing trust again is heartbreaking.
I gave in two days ago and took a tiny, tiny amount. It helped, I sleep at odd hours now (Erratic hours). Some people know this now, and I’m definitely not happy.
I will sleep. In maybe an hour or two. So don’t be alarmed. I’m serious, please don’t!
I repeat I’m not in danger!
I have no idea how people here will respond. But I just had to say what I said.
Finally, I’m aware most want to remain anonymous (and I respect that). But, if you need to see exactly who I am please feel free to look at my DU profile (Including my real name. You can Google my name to see who I am if need be.
If anyone’s uncomfortable with what I’ve said, I apologize. And sincerely thank all of you who read this.
(My doctor okayed my gradual reduction. He is very good: there’s far more to this, I can’t possibly get everything across in a one post).
-Puzzler
(I am trying not to edit this too much! If you see me back on the forum I may seem quite rational, I can and probably will be. That’s a huge problem!!!)
= new reply since forum marked as read
Many of us were born a bit different and the system does not always know what to do with us.
I'm cautious about giving medical advice, but you may want to consider seeing an endocrinologist and have a full system work up done.
Personally, I have a weird combination of 1.) extreme system sensitivity to drugs, 2.) I am what's called an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), 3.) an adrenal condition that causes frequent "physical" anxiety (from excess adrenaline), and late-life depression caused by years of earlier alcohol abuse. That may read as overwhelming, but I've taken it as a challenge to study and learn about these conditions. I'm also an introvert and that has its good and bad sides for dealing with health issues.
A good example is with depression. I went to a shrink and she tried me on several antidepressant but they all cause me to be hyper (dangerous for the work I was doing at that time) and the good effects wore off quickly. I struggled on an got by on OTC supplements like St. John's Wort and Sam-E for years, but recently borrowed some Effexor from a friend. I had tried it before and had a bad episode using it from just one capsule. Considering my ultra-high sensitivity to many chemicals, I took the little capsule and divided the granules into doses of 1/3 of a capsule, and that worked really well for me. By comparison, my best friend takes three of those capsules a day and feels that's not enough. Therefore, I can get by on on-ninth of what she takes.
So, our medical industry really does not know what to do with us odd-balls but we can try our best to help ourselves and each other.
Thanks for opening up and sharing!.........
...........
... by my doctor. He explained that the adrenal tumours were rare, and almost always non-malignant. I asked him about the procedure, he told me that it could be done relatively easily, with small surgical instruments. Apparently the stay in hospital is very short, often one night.
Is this consistent with what you know?
I remember, even posting something on FB about that. But I didn’t follow up on it.
BTW: I throughly understand your caveats, so please feel free to answer. I will not take your advice as medical (Sorry, I’m very precise in my words, or attempt to be 
Cheers
-Puzzler
The disease is diagnosed first by extensive blood work and urine analysis by the endo. Next, if the tumors (Pheochromocytoma) are suspected, they run a nuclear scan called a MIBG, and perhaps an ultrasonic scan to confirm.
See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pheochromocytoma
I had all the blood and urine work done, then an ultrasonic scan and then the MIBG, but mine did not show up. I'm thinking of going to another endo and trying again. Anytime I put pressure on my abdomen (upper part, say from squatting or bending down), I get the adrenaline rush and my BP goes out the roof. They say the excess adrenaline or norepinephrine is bad for our hearts, too.
However, I think some of those symptoms can indicate other diseases of the adrenals and thyroid, for example, so I wouldn't come to any conclusion before seeing an endo. Where I live in KY, it can take 3 or 4 months to get in to see one, mainly because they also treat diabetes.
As a side effect of all the work with the endo, I wound up also seeing a cardiologist and found out I also have some partial blockages and those can make the effects of adrenaline surge feel much worse!
And, no, from what I've read the surgery can be very dangerous and risky because anytime they disturb the adrenals, there is the risk of an adrenaline release so severe that can actually stop the heart. Therefore, the procedure must be done by highly qualified surgeons.
Some drugs prescribed for stress such as propranolol can really help reduce the effects of excess adrenaline. I've taken it and it works pretty darn good, but frightens me because I get a bad rebound effect from it if I stop taking it.
Please be patient with this and do lots of reading to ease your mind, and feel free to converse with others like myself to help relieve the stress. Let me know if I can be of further help.
...................
If and when you shop for an endocrinologist and if you have some flexibility in your choices, make sure you specify you need one knowledgeable with the adrenals, pituitary and thyroid and not just a specialist in something like diabetes.
Best of luck!......
I’ve just posted on FB (a play it forward video). Off FB for now.
I have lots of those “puzzles”
Watched BritBox after posting and then fell asleep, albeit a bit later
-Puzzler
Thank you all. I did sleep it was difficult but I did sleep!
I know I’m not “better”!
But the main point is that I AM OK!!!
Thank you all.
(I may not be able to thank everyone. Please understand!)
I’m now going to read the bloody news 
I’ll be around
I will be around!!!
Sincerely,
-Puzzler
(posting from my iPhone LTE network, back to my Telus Wifi now)
After saying I was OK yesterday, I had an intense afternoon. However managed to calm down by evening.
I’m currently resting today (hopefully just for today).
Taking it easy. Not interacting on FaceBook, if I can avoid it, but will probably check back here in a few hours!
Thank you all!
-Puzzler
I bend in the storms and don't break.
I'll lose a lot of leaves sometimes, but I still stand.
I've got migraines that are just a cherry on the top of the depression, hallucinations, and other madness I'm prone to, but the migraines have gotten milder as I've gotten older, approaching sixty. Now they are mostly just blinding and confusing, but they no longer leave me lying on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet in the dark wishing I'd die. But they'll still mess up my day, even if I'm quick with meds.
with the usual caveat that one size does not fit all. We are all explorers.
I think that's a really common feeling.
Maybe it's not "fooling" people so much as it's an unwillingness to inflict one's own troubles on others.
It's only a bad thing when it prevents you from reaching out for help when you need it.
I've found a lot to think about in your posts.
Thanks.
