Home Improvement Down The Years.
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the
lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever . You
are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint . You have your old work
clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old
T-shirt with a stain from whom knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
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In your 20's :
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
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In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You
married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb
your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your
favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is
the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
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In your 40's :
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the
mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running
the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is
spicy.
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In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your
new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear
that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it
says, 'I Got Worms .'
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In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo
off your shoes. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the
hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you
don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
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In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has
your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your
shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her
of her grandfather.
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In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around
trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think
someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who
greeted you at the front door.
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In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I?
Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
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