Ask Richard: Grandmother Proselytizing Young Boy Behind His Atheist Parents’ Backs

[rug]

May 5, 2014
By Richard Wade

Dear Richard,

My mother is a practicing Pentecostal Christian and has recently begun heavily witnessing to my five-year-old son. I was raised in this cult-like religion, but have been an atheist for nearly 10 years now. Although my mother and I have never had an in-depth conversation regarding my deconversion, she knows where I stand on the issue of religion.

The past few times my son has spent time with her (she lives several houses away so he doesn’t see her regularly) she has taught him religious songs and has talked to him about inviting Jesus into his heart, praying, Heaven, etc. She has placed prayer cloths (strips of cloth church members pray over) in his room and once when she kept my son and infant daughter overnight at her house she took them to choir practice and had the choir members pray over them.

To make matters worse she has asked my son to keep these things a secret from me, and his father who is also an atheist. Being five, my son of course cannot keep a secret, and told us what happened after each event. I’m not sure how to approach my mother regarding her behavior.

My mother and I have always been extremely close and I love her very much, but I am deeply saddened and hurt by her actions. I know that I cannot have a rational conversation with her because I have tried this in the past. When my son was one, she said she wanted to take him to Sunday School and I explained in as nice a way as possible that this was not going to happen. She became enraged and cried uncontrollably. The subject was never broached again by either one of us. My husband is angry with my mother and wants me to talk to her ASAP. I know that I have to speak with her about this, but I don’t want to permanently damage our relationship. Do you have any advice on how I can talk to my mother?

Sincerely,
A Concerned Mother

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/05/ask-richard-grandmother-proselytizing-young-boy-behind-his-atheist-parents-backs/

[PumpkinAle]

1. Admittedly I don't know much about Pentecostal Christians, but

as they have Christian in their name, shouldn't she try and adhere to the tenets of the faith instead of being sneaky and manipulative and trying to bully the mother/parents.

[jwirr]

3. The Pentecostal movement was the instrument that the rw originally used to spread their message

into other church bodies. VERY rw.

[PumpkinAle]

4. Yikes - thanks.

Once again another cult like group behaving very un-Christian.

[longship]

2. Wow! That is a sticky situation.

But clearly the grandmother's actions are out of hand. The deception and the attempt at secrecy is indeed indicative of cult practice. If I were in such a position I would be very upset and would not know what to do either.

Regardless, somebody is going to get hurt here. That's sad. But it should be handled to minimize that, if possible. The real victim here is the kid who is being used by the grandmother, although she undoubtedly will think she is just trying to save his soul from eternal torture in Hell, a most insidious idea of religion.

R&K

[Dorian Gray]

7. The deception and secrecy is

abhorrent.

One thing I'm very strict about is that NO adult teach my three year old to keep secrets from her us (her mother and father). No matter how innocuous the secret is, she is NOT to have them from us. That's what abusers do. Teach them to keep secrets from the parents. (ETA: Not all secrets are abusive. I meant that those who sexually abuse children tell them it's their secret. If my child believes secrets are okay, she might believe it's okay to keep THAT secret if she was abused. I want her to know it's never appropriate for any child to have secrets with adults.)

That's issue number 1.

Issue #2... it is the parent's right to raise their children how they want to, barring abuse. If the parents do not want their children to be raised religiously, it is not the grandparent's right to do so otherwise. Behind their back, especially.

I'm sure the grandmother believes she is right, but it is VERY VERY VERY important that she not do anything behind their backs.

If the parents agreed to it, she could perhaps discuss her beleifs openly with the children when it is age appropriate (or when they start asking). Which, honestly, would probably be relatively soon for the 5 year old. I would hate for the parents to shy away from open discussion.

But if they do, the grandmother should respect their desires. If she does not do so, then the parents shouldn't leave her alone with the children.

[giftedgirl77]

5. My parents wouldn't see my kids again.

I went a year without my father seeing my oldest over doing things I had issues with. This would be a deal breaker.

[Big Blue Marble]

6. Give your son credit.

As an intelligent five year old, he is old enough to understand that many people
have beliefs that are different from those of you who are is his parents. It is an
opportunity to teach him tolerance. (He will learn much from how you handle
this situation.) Explain to him how important his grandmother's beliefs are to her.
Show respect for her and know that she is coming from a both a place of love and
one of fear for her grandson.

I would advise you to keep this from becoming a power struggle over your son.
That would damage your relationship with your mother and and with your son.

I raised my children free of religion and yes there was family pressure and
social pressure as well (We live in the bible belt.) My kids from a young age
understood that others believed differently and that was OK.

By the way, now as adults, they are wonderful loving ethical people still free of
religion. The key is communicating with your child so he can be prepared to
to learn of many beliefs and know he has the choice to make his own decisions
as to what he believes. That, IMO, is one of the finest gifts we can give our
children.

[cbayer]

8. I think his answer is good, even if it is a bit too long.

The grandmother's behavior is unacceptable and the relationship already twisted. She needs to either agree to change it or not be granted access to her grandchildren.

[AtheistCrusader]

9. Yeah, I would restrict access by Grandma in that case.

Fortunately, I don't have to worry about that, both my mom and in-law, are pretty agnostic.

The fact that she asked the kid to hide it, would be a deal breaker for me. That's straight up dishonest. Didn't jesus have some thing to say about lies? Pretty sure he did.

[DrewFlorida]

10. I am surprised at your statement "but I don't want to permanently damage our relationship."

Unfortunately, your mother has already "permanently damaged your relationship". She has disrespected your authority as a parent, she has deceived your trust, she has instructed you son to deceive your trust. I'm sorry to inform you, the damage is already done!

The real question you are faced with is, How do you and your husband protect your son from her?

You can still love your mother, while at the same time protecting your son from her, but only if you accept the reality that it is your mother who has damaged the relationship!

[rug]

11. I assume you mean the letter writer.

[DrewFlorida]

12. LOL, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was someone elses letter. Yes I mean the letter writer!