SCOTUS Rules JCPenney Allowed to Sacrifice Employees to Appease Cthulhu
Citing the newly-established precedent of corporate-religious exemption, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday in favor of JCPenney, upholding the company's right to sacrifice pure-hearted employees in order to assuage the Dread Lord Cthulhu, Bringer of Madness.
The Penney estate, devout cultists and owners of the multibillion-dollar chain of mid-range department stores, joined by CEO Mike Ullman, sued the government in 2012 when new federal employee protections made it illegal for them to hire virgin maidens for the sole purpose of spilling their blood on the Altar of the Cosmos, with the hope that such an offering will prolong the Great Old One's slumber in the sunken city of R'lyeh.
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“The majority's ruling sets a frightening precedent for our nation,” Justice Sotomayor wrote in the dissent. “Would the court extend to the Tcho-Tcho people of Chaugnar Faugn the freedom of cannibalism, or grant commitment-free zoning permits to the Chesuncook Witch Coven for erecting their subterranean shoggoth pits? This ruling opens the door to such atrocities.”
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“JCPenney is a great place to work for those who respect our beliefs and fear the encroaching twilight of madness as we do,” Communications VP Kristin Hays said in an interview. “If that's too much for people, I understand that Sears operates as disciples of Hastur, Lord of Interstellar Spaces. Their sacrifice-free philosophies are probably more in line with government mandates.”
ummm, this is satire if you are impaired
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