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Thu Sep 27, 2012, 02:38 AM

I am so frustrated and angry...

I need a way to calm down.

My downstairs bathroom is torn up, and will not be fixed for a couple more weeks. All my stuff is upstairs, which is inconvenient. The house is disrupted because of this bathroom. I cannot get a sense of peace and order.

My home theater/receiver went out, and Sony will have it for about three weeks. I had to ship it. Even if they replace it, it is a pain in the butt. I do watch TV, but my husband watches more than I do. I can't see any of the shows I like, or TIVO anything. I can't watch DVDs, either. I have had to find other ways to listen to the radio and listen to my CDs, because everything is tied up into that system. I do have other ways to listen to music and news, but it is not as convenient.

Now my car died. If you knew the history of this car, and how much I hate it.....grrrr..... I am working part time again, so I can afford payments for a new car. My husband is being stubborn and resistant. I think he may have changed his mind, because this is the fourth time the stupid car has needed major work. I have to go rent a car tomorrow, instead of working. My son is getting married, and I need to be able to get there!

I am furious with my husband over more than just the car. He decided to replace our credit card, because Capital One bought out our old credit card company. I told him to forget it, because I use the card for so many recurring things. Also, it will take me a long time to get everything changed over. I thought he listened to me, so when a card arrived with my name on it, I cut it up. It turns out he activated the card in his name. Now, I have to get a new card for myself and change everything over, because he does anything he damn well pleases.

I need strength, peace and order. I know all this will get sorted out, but it is too much all at once. I also need to find a way to get my husband to respect my needs and wishes a little more. Any help would be appreciated.

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Arrow 17 replies Author Time Post
Reply I am so frustrated and angry... (Original post)
murielm99 Sep 2012 OP
sybster1000 Sep 2012 #1
murielm99 Sep 2012 #3
magical thyme Sep 2012 #2
murielm99 Sep 2012 #6
magical thyme Sep 2012 #11
Fire Walk With Me Sep 2012 #13
Howler Sep 2012 #4
murielm99 Sep 2012 #5
LaurenG Sep 2012 #7
Kookaburra Sep 2012 #8
davsand Sep 2012 #9
Tumbulu Sep 2012 #10
Digit Sep 2012 #12
southerncrone Sep 2012 #14
SheilaT Sep 2012 #15
Post removed Sep 2012 #16
Celebration Sep 2012 #17

Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 08:59 AM

1. I have empathy and I don't...

I mean, I understand the frustration of a new bathroom being built (I did this earlier this year), I understand cars having their own agenda, but I always have to center myself and say to me " You know what, you could be in Afganistan with bombs going off, or born to a lower caste in India and begging, or starving and getting female circumcision in Africa". Not to belittle your problems, but that's how I put my problems into perspective and snap myself back to reality...Hoping the best for you and your new bathroom (it is worth it!).

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Response to sybster1000 (Reply #1)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 12:34 PM

3. It is not exactly a new bathroom.

Some major things went wrong with it, and it needed big repairs. It seems those things are being fixed. When they replace the floor, I will find out if the leak has really been fixed. A crawl space underneath it had to be sealed. The bugs that were getting in were not carpenter ants, but they still had to be taken care of.

I do understand that I have it better than a lot of people. That is why I am usually reluctant to complain. But I still have had some anxiety and emotional issues that have had to be faced. I am not Anne Romney.

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Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 09:20 AM

2. I think your real upset has to do with your relationship with your husband

 

Because as frustrating as your day-to-day issues are, they really are pretty small in the overall scheme of things. Right now, Saturn the teacher is leaving Libra, planet of relationships. It's time for the final step in evolving your closest relationships.

I'd also look at this as a time to get out of the house and go for long walks to escape the chaos at home, restore some inner peace, gratitude that you have a working bathroom while the other is unavailable, and a part time job to buy a new car. It is a beautiful time of year and teevee is vastly overrated.

You don't have to look as far as Afghanistan to see people who have it far worse than you right now. You can look at your neighbors (including those here on ASAH) to find people who are struggling just to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table for themselves and their families.

I presume you have a 2nd bathroom and don't have to go someplace else to pee, poop or shower, right? Right now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom at home. I realized recently that I'd seriously lost track of time and am way overdue to have my septic pumped. But am juggling bills and afraid to spend the money to have it pumped. Because....

My part-time job, on which my furfamily and I depend to survive, is disappearing out from under me with no jobs available locally, especially now that the summer tourist season is over.

And my ancient civic, with 220,000 miles on it, will need work to get through inspection in December, if it doesn't need work before then. And again, no money to pay for it.

So count your blessings! It sounds like your husband is the primary breadwinner, so it's not surprising if he feels he should get final say on major purchases. Not saying that is right, fair or sensible....just may be where his thinking is stuck.

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Response to magical thyme (Reply #2)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 01:58 PM

6. You would be surprised how much I do count my blessings.

Yes, it is nice to have a working bathroom. For years, we had to use an old commode and shower in the basement. Gee, at least it wasn't an outhouse.

I do know that T.V. is overrated. And I see the struggles within my own community. Right now, we are not juggling bills. But I know what it is like. I raised three kids that way, and with a husband who ruined my credit. I spent years repairing it. I still have to keep an eye peeled, to see that he does not do something stupid. As far as a roof over our heads, that was a lifelong struggle, too. Yes, my husband worked. But I bought the house. And if I had not worked and juggled those bills, we would have been homeless long ago.

I am sorry my car is not ancient enough for you. It is only fifteen years old, and has only 140,000 miles on it. We just made the fourth costly repair today - $658.00. My husband may start seeing that car payments would be about the same, or cheaper. As far as my part time job goes, it is substitute teaching. I do not get called often, at this point. If that does not change, I will look for something else, or work two part time jobs to afford the car. There are no jobs here for 64 year old women. And my husband is retired. He is not the primary bread winner. We always shared that job, if you can call what he does sharing. He is very secretive.

I should have asked for prayers and light for Wayne, instead of asking for anything to help myself find calm and peace. He is a close friend. I just found out this morning that he has stomach cancer. Please remember him. I will never again ask ASAH for anything for myself.

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Response to murielm99 (Reply #6)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 04:25 PM

11. please don't feel you can't ask for yourself from ASAH

 

I know I swing every day from counting my blessings to panic to anger to counting my blessings again.

I'm so sorry about your friend, Wayne. Sending light to him and you too.

It was hard from your OP to see where you were coming from. I'm sorry I wasn't more compassionate -- it wasn't meant that way. I understand getting tired of living in chaos. Just remember that will be temporary and you will have a nice bathroom when it's all over.

If your husband isn't the primary bread winner then he has no right at all to tell you what car you can get. Just figure out the costs of the replacement car you want and do it. Don't forget to factor in increased insurance and fees when you are car shopping. Another option might be to lease for a while (something I think about if mine gives out).

There are no jobs anywhere for those of us of a certain age. At 64, you can apply for social security if you aren't already collecting. It will be less than if you hold out until 66, but it's worth looking into.

If you do that, once you have a base income maybe you can start a side business. Teaching a useful hobby, or bookkeeping for small businesses or something like that? (These are just things I toss around in my head while I have so much time off right now.)

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Response to murielm99 (Reply #6)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 10:31 PM

13. You'd better ask us for help! :)

 

"You are only open to the love you feel you deserve." And those here believe all deserve amazing amounts equally, no matter what or why.

Shared pain is lessened. Shared joy is increased. -Spider Robinson. By asking for help, you not only name the problem but start to solve it, and allow others to be of loving service, and the community grows as a result. You DO deserve hugs and help and ears to hear and voices to soothe. Okay?

And go buy something pretty or silly or whimsical just for yourself, just because you like it and it makes you happy. Treat yourself within your means, such as epsom salt and lavender baths. Scented candles if you like them or do not have allergies.

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Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 12:42 PM

4. (((HUG))))

Sending!!

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Response to Howler (Reply #4)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 01:45 PM

5. Thank you. n/t

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Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 02:33 PM

7. I hope that all this straightens out in a hurry for you.

I am really sorry because that is just too damn much crap to be happening to one person ALL at once.

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Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 02:36 PM

8. Crap is crap and it's all relative.

What you're describing sounds like what I call the "crap, compounded daily" thing and it is not pleasant. Not only is it not pleasant, but it can be overwhelming.

I'm hoping it all evens out for you soon, but meanwhile here's a (((hug))) -- it's of the cyber variety, but I hope it helps some.

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Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 02:58 PM

9. Oh man! I am sorry!

Sounds like you are not having much fun at all right now! How far along are they with the bathroom thing? Is there an end in sight for that project? Seems to me that home construction/remodeling is an awful thing when you have to live there at the same time. Shame none of us are like the Mittster--we can't just pack up and go to one of our OTHER houses to escape the mess and inconvenience...

The car stuff gets my total sympathy. I freaking hate auto repair issues and I make no bones about it. It always feels to me like an exercise in futility with older cars because just as soon as you get one thing fixed something else goes to hell. I have a Dodge right now that I love to hate on. I'll be driving it for the next 100 years probably, but I still hate that f***ing car and how unreliable it has been. Don't get me wrong--I kinda like the body style, but I'll NEVER buy another Dodge product again. If I hadn't put an extended warranty on that car when we bought it, literally, I'd have had to sell it due to the huge repairs bills that it has incurred. The damn thing is a ticking time bomb and I KNOW it.

Have you guys talked about a different used car or even getting a signature loan to bring everything up to snuff on your current car? It sounds like you have a pretty high amount of miles on it, but it might get you through the next couple of years if you can find a mechanic that knows his stuff. Alternately, I have been in the position that we needed a second car and could not afford much. I got lucky and bought a beater Ford Escort that I planned to drive for about 18 months but ended up keeping for several years. It looked bad, but I did love that car, and it did run pretty well with minimal outlay for repairs. If you know a mechanic or an auto sales person you might be able to find a pretty good deal on a mechanically sound car that maybe looks a little less polished but runs good.

Congrats on the wedding! Hope you can relax and enjoy the festivities. Usually the Groom's family gets to kinda sit back while the Bride and her people get all the headaches. Do you have to travel very far for the wedding?

Finally, about the husband... From what I'm getting from your comments you guys have some long running issues. It sounds like you are just maxed out at this point. I don't expect you to answer any of this, but you may want to ask yourself a few questions. Are you convinced it will continue to be this way? Do you have any hope that he can or even would change the stuff that bothers you if you guys sit down and talk about it? Do you want to expend the effort to try and fix the issues?

Ask yourself, "What if...?" What IF he walked in today and said he wants to improve? What would you tell him? What IF you won the lottery and could do anything you wanted--Would all the issues remain as pressing for you at that point? Would he play a role in your life if you were not worried about money or security? What IF suddenly he was just gone from your life? Would it be a feeling of relief or would you really miss him and feel bummed he wasn't around?

I know it sounds like I'm asking you to dig deep emotionally, but I think maybe, right now a lot of people are looking at what they have always known and they are starting to question stuff they always thought, accepted, or took for granted. Is it your feeling that maybe that is what is at work for you?

I wish you peace, and I wish you joy.


Laura

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Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 03:57 PM

10. Sending hugs, sympathy and ALL THINGS FIXED

in your future!

Oh my it always seems like things happen in clumps. My mother always used to exclaim "The Cluster Theory!" at these times.

I am sorry that things are frustrating for you and I am also sorry that the initial responses to your OP seemed a bit too much "oh it could be worse" meme.

Yes, it could be worse, but sometimes we just want some sympathy and a bit of encouragement. I come here to this group for that.

I hope that all get's fixed soon and that your relationship with your husband also gets more open. I would just be seething about having to do all this nonsense with the credit card!!!!!!

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Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Thu Sep 27, 2012, 10:12 PM

12. Isn't it funny how things go in cycles?

Hopefully this will be a mere bump in the road and that there will be smooth sailing ahead.
As for the marriage, it was never my strong suit but I hope your communication and respect for each other gets better.
Maybe Rick would have some insight....

In the meantime.... and of course peace, strength and order.

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Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Fri Sep 28, 2012, 01:02 AM

14. You most likely can't change your husband.

I know....it sux. Mine is the same way. A friend who is a few yrs older than me said after 50 they become grumpy old men. That includes becoming uber selfish. Mine seems to do whatever he wants, too, regardless of how it effects others. I'm in too deep (divorce would be financial suicide for both) so I just try to not make waves & do the best I can. I realize it is a CONTROL thing w/these old guys who fear they aren't "worthy" anymore, so they just try to control everyone & everything around them. Unfortunately that is us. Is he retired? It may be another form of "entertainment" for him.

But, we can't change another person (unless THEY decide to change on their own--it'll have to be HIS idea), we can only change how we REACT to a situation. Do not allow his actions to bring out negativity in you. Ask the angels (especially Rapheal) to cleanse you of these angry & negative feelings. They are only hurting you. Meditate. Rise above it. You will be OK.

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Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Sat Sep 29, 2012, 03:55 PM

15. Did he actually cancel the old card?

 

If he did, and you have recurring payments charged to it, you need to call all of those companies IMMEDIATELY and get everything switched over.

However, what I'm bothered by here is his making the change without honoring your wishes, or at least coordinating the change with you.

My advice is to have your own separate charge card entirely, that you are totally responsible for.

When I was married I not only never changed my last name, which frankly was far simpler than changing it would have been, but throughout more than twenty-five years of marriage we always had two checking accounts and totally separate credit cards. Both or our names were on both checking accounts, just in case one of us needed to write a check on the other's account, which happened perhaps three or four times in that same twenty-five years.

I can tell you, that by handling our finances that way, we never had to deal with the problem of one person writing a check that then does not get listed in the checkbook and causing an overdraft. I don't think I've ever known a couple with only one checking account who didn't have that happen to them at least once.

As for watching DVDs, does your computer have a DVD player? Pretty much any computer bought within the last five to eight years has one. I don't have a TV, just watch what I want over the internets or directly on the computer from a DVD.

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Response to murielm99 (Original post)


Response to murielm99 (Original post)

Sat Sep 29, 2012, 09:34 PM

17. sorry I just saw this

Sending healing vibes NOW. Sometimes stuff like this just aggravates you so much it can make you want to scream. Obviously there are always going to be people worse off than you but that really isn't relevant. What you are feeling here and now is just not related to that.

I hope you have gotten some good rest and things have sorted out.

Some of it may be astrological too.

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