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Tue Jun 26, 2018, 11:48 AM

(Jewish Group) Jokes for Jews

Shlomo the tailor was a very successful tailor in London, England. He made formal wear for all the important royals, and even made Winston Churchill's suits during WWII. He did a great job, had a Royal Appointment, and was very well respected.

After many years of service, the Queen decided that he should be knighted for his loyal service, much to his joy and pride.

Shlomo, despite rubbing elbows with royalty for 50 years, was a humble and simple man. He had never been to an event where his fine suits were worn. So he asked a client what the proper procedure was. The client explained the dress, the process, and even the knighting ceremony to him. The hardest part was he had to memorize a phrase in Latin for when he was actually knighted.

He made himself a fine set of formal wear, got a good hair cut and beard trim, and set out to memorize the procedure and the phrase.

Well, the big day came. He and the other knights-to-be was taken to the castle in a carriage. Walked down the red carpet among all the beaming people, so happy to see him honored at last. He watched the honorees, kneel before the Queen.

They would each get down on one knee, bow, and she would touch his (or her, there were, indeed several lady knights) shoulder with the sword. They would say the Latin phrase. Then they would switch knees, she would touch the knight on the other shoulder with the sword, and they would arise, a Knight of the Kingdom.

Well, it got to be Shlomo's turn. He approached the Queen, got down on his knee, she touched his shoulder with the sword.

And he blanked on the Latin phrase. Completely blank.

Panicked, he said the first non-English phrase that came to his mind: "Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam, she'heheyanu v'kiy'manu v'higi'anu la'z'man ha'ze!"

The Queen then touched his other shoulder. Once again, Shlomo said: "Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam, she'heheyanu v'kiy'manu v'higi'anu la'z'man ha'ze!"

Puzzled, the Queen turned to her advisor and asked: "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?

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Arrow 39 replies Author Time Post
Reply (Jewish Group) Jokes for Jews (Original post)
MosheFeingold Jun 2018 OP
TexasProgresive Jun 2018 #1
Beakybird Jun 2018 #3
Behind the Aegis Jun 2018 #2
MosheFeingold Jun 2018 #4
MosheFeingold Jun 2018 #5
StinkyPete Jun 2018 #6
question everything Jul 2018 #7
MosheFeingold Jul 2018 #8
MosheFeingold Aug 2018 #9
MosheFeingold Aug 2018 #10
MosheFeingold Aug 2018 #11
MosheFeingold Aug 2018 #12
MosheFeingold Aug 2018 #13
MosheFeingold Aug 2018 #14
MosheFeingold Aug 2018 #15
Behind the Aegis Aug 2018 #16
MosheFeingold Aug 2018 #17
MosheFeingold Aug 2018 #18
MLAA Jan 2020 #26
MosheFeingold Sep 2018 #19
MosheFeingold Jan 2019 #20
MosheFeingold Jan 2019 #21
Mosby Jan 2019 #22
MosheFeingold Apr 2019 #23
MosheFeingold Jan 2020 #24
MLAA Jan 2020 #27
MosheFeingold Jan 2020 #28
MLAA Jan 2020 #29
Turin_C3PO Mar 12 #31
MosheFeingold Mar 16 #32
MosheFeingold Jan 2020 #25
TreadSoftly Feb 2020 #30
MosheFeingold Mar 16 #33
MosheFeingold Mar 16 #34
MosheFeingold Mar 16 #35
Behind the Aegis Mar 20 #36
MosheFeingold May 4 #37
MosheFeingold May 7 #38
MosheFeingold May 7 #39

Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Tue Jun 26, 2018, 11:56 AM

1. I'm not Jewish but that's funny.

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Response to TexasProgresive (Reply #1)

Tue Jun 26, 2018, 01:00 PM

3. Greek tailor to Greek customer:

"Euripides? "
"Yes. Eumenides?"

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Tue Jun 26, 2018, 12:34 PM

2. LOL!

At least she didn't pass him over!

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Wed Jun 27, 2018, 10:54 AM

4. Rabbi Schwartz

Rabbi Schwartz was at a Rabbinical conference. He had just got to his hotel room and was unpacking.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Rabbi Schwartz went to the door and opened it.

In the doorway there stood a beautiful blonde woman in a full length mink coat. She gave him a flirtatious glance and said, "are you Rabbi Schwartz by any chance? Rabbi Silverman sent me." She opened her coat -- she had a terrific figure and she was completely nude!

"Rabbi Silverman sent you!" exclaimed Rabbi Schwartz. "I can't believe this." He went to the phone.

"Front desk? Give me Rabbi Silverman's room," the rabbi said angrily. "Silverman, I can't believe you. We are men of G-d! Why would you send a woman of ill repute to my room?! This is disgraceful! You should be ashamed!"

Suddenly feeling awkward, the blonde said, "I'm sorry to offend you, I'll be going."

Looking up at the blonde, Rabbi Schwartz exclaimed, "No, I'm mad at Rabbi Silverman, not you. You stay right where you are!"

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Thu Jun 28, 2018, 10:55 AM

5. Rabbi Goldberg

Rabbi Goldberg really, really wanted to eat pork. He had kept mehadrin (glatt) kosher his entire life. But the urge to eat pork really, really would not let him go.

So, one day he resolved to do it. He was going to eat pig. Of course, he went to the next town over so no one would see him. Put on hat over his kippah and went to the finest French restaurant in the neighboring town.

He sat down. And right there on the menu was what he was looking for: suckling pig. So he ordered it.

The full pig arrived on a beautiful silver tray, bedecked with saffron, and parsley, and herbs. There was even a gorgeous apple in the pig's mouth.

Just as he got out his silver wear, who should arrive? Dr. Shapiro, the president of the congregation!

Shocked, Dr. Shapiro asked the rabbi what he was doing. Thinking fast, Rabbi Goldberg responded, "Oy! I asked for an apple! And look how they brought it to me!"

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Thu Jun 28, 2018, 04:25 PM

6. The Rabbi Is In: Two Men Come Down The Same Chimney

Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, whose writings have been a blessing to many of us, recounts this story of Talmudic logic in his book Jewish Humor: What The Best Jewish Jokes Say About the Jews:

A young man in his mid-twenties knocks on the door of the noted scholar Rabbi Shwartz. “My name is Sean Goldstein,” he says. “I’ve come to you because I wish to study Talmud.”

“Do you know Aramaic?” the rabbi asks.

“No,” replies the young man.

“Hebrew?” asks the Rabbi.

“No,” replies the young man again.

“Have you studied Torah?” asks the Rabbi, growing a bit irritated.

“No, Rabbi. But don’t worry. I graduated Berkeley summa cum laude in philosophy, and just finished my doctoral dissertation at Harvard on Socratic logic. So now, I would just like to round out my education with a little study of the Talmud.”

“I seriously doubt,” the rabbi says, “that you are ready to study Talmud. It is the deepest book of our people. If you wish, however, I am willing to examine you in logic, and if you pass that test I will teach you Talmud.”

The young man agrees.

Rabbi Shwartz holds up two fingers. “Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face, the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

more @ https://aleph.org/resources/the-rabbi-is-in-two-men-come-down-the-same-chimney

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Response to StinkyPete (Reply #6)

Wed Jul 4, 2018, 02:07 PM

7. So I had to read the whole story

Now this is what we call "pilpul" or hairsplitting, I suppose.

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Thu Jul 5, 2018, 08:58 AM

8. Rabbi Swartz (again)

Rabbi Swartz was plagued by swine.

Specifically, he was dying to eat pork. It had been driving him crazy for 20 years.

So he resolved to go eat some.

Of course, he couldn't just go to town and buy some. He went to the next town over, made reservations at an exclusive French restaurant (table for one) on a Tuesday under a fake name.

He got there, and sure enough, right there on the menu was exactly what he was looking for: suckling pig. He ordered it and began steeling his nerves with a bit of wine.

The pig, when it arrived was majestic! A small whole pig on a silver platter, apple in its mouth, draped wonderfully with herbs and spices. It smelled heavenly.

Just as the Rabbi was about to take his first bite, who should walk in? Dr. Feingold, the President of the congregation!

Shocked, Dr. Feingold exclaimed, "Rabbi! what are you doing?!"

Thinking fast, Rabbi Swartz responded "I ordered an apple! And look how they brought it to me!"

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Wed Aug 1, 2018, 12:43 PM

9. Moshe goes bra shopping

Moshe's wife need him to go to the store and buy her a bra. She had specific instructions: "Tell the lady that you want a 36C Jewish bra. She'll know exactly what to give you."

Being the good husband that he was, Moshe schlepped down to the lingerie store. He approached the saleslady. "My wife told me to tell you she wants me to buy a '36C Jewish bra'. She said you'd know exactly what that is."

The saleslady replied, "Oh, I do. But I haven't had a request for a Jewish bra in a long time. Usually, we get requests for a Catholic bra, a Salvation Army bra, or a Presbyterian bra. But not so much for Jewish bras these days."

Bemused, Moshe timidly asked the saleslady, "Do you mind telling me the difference between these types of bras."

"Oh certainly," replied the saleslady. "A Catholic bra uplifts the masses, while a Salvation Army bra picks them out of the gutter. And a Presbyterian Bra is simply very white, upright, and straight."

"I see," said Moshe. "And what about a Jewish bra?"

The saleslady smiled. "Oh, a Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills!"

Be sure to tip your waitress.

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Wed Aug 1, 2018, 04:46 PM

10. Sarah and Shlomo go for a drive

Shlomo and Sarah had been married 50 years. Shlomo was almost blind, but could hear fine. Sarah could see great, but was almost deaf. So Sarah would do the driving. They had a nice large Cadillac.

One day they had gone to the city and were pulled over by a trooper. Sarah rolled do"Do you know how fast you were going?"

Sarah turned to Shlomo "Vadt? Vadt did he say?" she said.

Shlmo turned to Sarah and yelled: "HE ASKED IF YOU KNEW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING!"

Well, no, no she didn't. She was just going along with traffic.

"Let me see your license and registration," commanded the trooper.

Again, Sarah turned to Shlomo "Vadt!? Vadt did he say?"

Shlomo again yelled "HE ASKED FOR YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION."

Sarah got her license and registration and gave it to the trooper.

The trooper looked at the license. "I see you are live in Cherry Hill. The meanest woman I ever dated was from Cherry Hill."

And again Sarah turned to Shlomo, "Vadt!? Vadt did he say?"

Shlomo replied: "HE SAID HE KNOWS YOUR SISTER!"

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Tue Aug 7, 2018, 06:42 PM

11. In the desert

A German, a Frenchman, and a Jewish man from the USA were in the desert.

It was hot. It was dry. They were lost.

"Mein G-tt!" exclaimed the German. "I am so hot. I am sweating. I am so thirsty! I have great desire for a cold beir!"

They walked a bit and then the Frenchman said, "Mon Di-u! I am so hot. I am sweating and thirsty. I must have a cold sparkling wine from Champagne!"

They walked on. The Jewish man said "Oy vey! I am so hot. I am sweating. And I have great thirst. I . . . . I . . .. I must have diabetes!"

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Wed Aug 8, 2018, 05:01 PM

12. Poor Shlomo is dying

Shlomo had 95 years on this Earth and was on his deathbed, barely able to move out of his upstairs room.

His loving wife, Sarah, came to him, weeping, "The doctors say that this is it. You don't have much time, my dearest Shlomo. It could be any moment, any day! Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?!"

Shlomo looked at his wife, lovingly. Barely able to speak he whispered, "I've heard you cooking all day in the kitchen. It smells wonderful. Can you bring me just a little cup of that matos ball soup you have been cooking?"

Sarah looked at Shlomo sternly. "Oh, no! We're saving the soup for the shiva!"

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Thu Aug 16, 2018, 06:49 PM

13. A joke in honor of my granddaughter-in-law

Moshe was a very successful Jewish furniture salesman. He warned his son against marrying the "shiksa" he'd been dating for some time.

The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."

"It doesn't matter," the Moshe said. "A shiksa will cause problems."

After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.

"It's Shabbos," the son replied.

The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."

"I won't work anymore on Shabbos," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."

"See!" the father exclaimed. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems!"

+++++++

So why is this joke in honor of my grand daughter-in-law? My grand daughter-in-law is a lovely lady who fell (and remains) madly in love with my grandson (and vice versa). She's gifted our family with 5 children.

She's also an Arab woman who grew up, and lives, in Israel. Some of her family are not very nice people.

While in medical school in Israel, she converted to Judaism, much to the shock of her family (which mostly disowned her) and made my grandson (who was not particularly observant -- the party scene in Tel Aviv was more his bag after his IDF service) quite the observant Jewish man.

Kosher Arabic food is pretty fantastic, by the way.

I've often said it -- Jews by choice make the very best Jews. All the respect to them.

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Mon Aug 20, 2018, 03:21 PM

14. Two Rabbinical students

Were perplexed and needed some guidance.

The loved to smoke cigars. And they loved to study Torah.

But they were not so sure this was permitted.

So the first, a really good student, went to the Rebbe. "Rebbe," he asked, "is it permitted to smoke while studying Torah?"

"Absolutely not!" exclaimed the Rebbe. "It's out of the question!"

Undeterred, the second student, who was a truly great student, asked "Rebbe, is it permitted to study Torah while smoking?"

"Absolutely!" said the Rebbe with a warm smile.

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Wed Aug 22, 2018, 11:44 AM

15. In honor of "Behind the Aegis"

One Sabbath, Aegis discovers a gay shul in Crown Heights.

He's very excited. It is exactly what he had been looking for. There's a gay cantor and a gay Rabbi, and even the congregation is mostly gay. So with a happy heart, Aegis sits down and joins in the service.

Soon, however, he just can’t help noticing the handsome young man sitting next to him. Hard as he tries, he can’t stop himself – Aegis puts his hand on the young man's knee.

Immediately two tough-looking Hasids rush over to Aegis, pick him up, quickly carry him out of the shul and forcibly throw him out into the street.

As he picks himself up, Aegis says, "Why on earth did you have to do that? I thought this was a gay synagogue."

"It is," one of them replied in a deep voice. "But nobody messes with the rebbetzin."

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Response to MosheFeingold (Reply #15)

Wed Aug 22, 2018, 04:55 PM

16. LMAO!

I have enjoyed your jokes. I told a few to my husband.

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Response to Behind the Aegis (Reply #16)

Wed Aug 22, 2018, 05:10 PM

17. I'm glad

I was wondering if anyone liked them. Hard to read an audience on the internet.

I figure this one is a good one to tell (assuming he is Jewish and knows what the heck we are saying).

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Mon Aug 27, 2018, 12:25 PM

18. 100% True Story

I was a bad kid in school. My parents tried Yeshiva. They tried public school. They even tried a military boarding school.

I still misbehaved. I still got terrible grades.

Finally, in desperation, they sent me to Roman Catholic all-boys school.

I thrived. I was getting great grades, was well-liked by the teachers and students, and even did well in sports. No complaints.

In fact, I had the highest GPA in the school and was on track to be valedictorian.

One day, I was called to the Bishop's office. He was sitting there with my Rabbi. They had clearly been talking.

I sat down on the chair they indicated.

The Rabbi stroked his beard, puzzled, and asked, "You come from a good Jewish family. You did terrible in school until you got here, a Roman Catholic school. Tell me why does a nice Jewish boy finally do well in a Catholic school?"

I leaned forward, and covertly pointed to the graphic crucifix hanging above the Bishop's desk.

"Rabbi," I whispered, still pointing to the crucifix. "See what these Romans did to the last Jewish boy who misbehaved?"

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Response to MosheFeingold (Reply #18)

Tue Jan 7, 2020, 07:15 PM

26. 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Tue Sep 4, 2018, 06:45 PM

19. In honor of the High Holidays

One Shabbat morning, Rabbi Levy noticed seven-year-old David staring up at the large plaque hanging in the shul lobby. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. David had been staring at the plaque for some time, so Rabbi Levy walked over to him and said quietly, “Shabbat shalom, David.”

“Shabbat shalom, Rabbi,” replied David, still intent on the plaque. “Rabbi, what is this?”

“Well, David, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Then little David, in a barely audible whisper, asked, “Which service, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?”

+++++

And somewhat related:

+++++

Bill, the maintenance engineer for the big Reform temple, was busy building a sukka for Sukkot in the yard outside the temple.

Bill was a gentile, but took his job very seriously, building a very impressive booth, and utilizing all the necessary four species (citron, palm, myrtle, and willow) exactly correctly.

He was just putting in the etrog (with he stem on the bottom and the blossom end on top) when his friend, Fred, the maintenance engineer at the neighboring Catholic Church came over and asked Bill what he was doing.

"Well, I'm making a sukka," said Bill. "The Jewish worshipers use it for seven days for Sukkot and then we tear it down."

"Wow" exclaimed Fred. "That's a lot of work for something they just use for seven days."

"Pshaw," said Bill. "That's nothing. They only use that" (pointing toward the huge and ornate temple that loomed above them) "twice a year."


(Admittedly a slightly pointed joke from this old Orthodox man. I just read that 42% of American Jewish people have abandoned their faith and believe in . . . nothing. That hurts my heart. Please go to synagogue. Start with the high holidays and work on Shabbos. Find a shul with nice people, the less political the better.)

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Tue Jan 15, 2019, 08:05 PM

20. Shlomo Reads Cosmo

Shlomo wanted to embrace being an American. So he decided to read Cosmopolitan Magazine. He got into it, and pointed to an article about things married couples do to be closer. "Sarah!" he exclaimed. "It says here that couples should look into each other's eyes when they orgasm. It helps them become closer. We should try that!"

Sarah replied, "But, Shlomo, how? You're always at work when that happens to me!"

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Wed Jan 16, 2019, 05:22 PM

21. Some dirty jokes

Q: Did you hear about the short-sighted mohel?

A: He got the sack.

++++++++

Ruth and Sarah were walking along Kahaneman St. in Bnei Brak. Ruth says, "My son Lipa is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... the matchmaker thinks she may have a disease called herpes."

Sarah ask: "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"

Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Lipa's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"

"Well," says Sarah, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."

So Sarah goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. No worries. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."

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Response to MosheFeingold (Reply #21)

Thu Jan 17, 2019, 03:14 PM

22. lol.

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Mon Apr 29, 2019, 04:28 PM

23. Pope Goes Golfing

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Chief Rabbi of Israeli.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "The Chief Rabbi wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea but he had never held a golf club in his hands. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None who plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there's a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" asked the Pope.

"Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Tue Jan 7, 2020, 06:47 PM

24. A bee joke

Q: Why did the bee wear a yarmulke?

A: Because it didn't want to be mistaken as a WASP.

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Response to MosheFeingold (Reply #24)

Tue Jan 7, 2020, 07:19 PM

27. Love it!

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Response to MLAA (Reply #27)

Tue Jan 7, 2020, 07:23 PM

28. I'm just glad someone reads these

And enjoys them.

The old school Jewish humor is soon to die out with my generation.

Given I've now had some form of bronchitis or pneumonia for most of these last 24 months, I'm probably out of here soon.

Most of my family that did not have a sad end lived to be over 100. Don't think that will happen.

I'm tired.

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Response to MosheFeingold (Reply #28)

Tue Jan 7, 2020, 09:33 PM

29. I once had a book of Yiddish stories that were wonderful.

The way we’ve treated the planet I don’t think any of us are likely to make 100!
But until our end comes I’m determined to laugh as often as possible. You helped me meet my quota today 😊. I think that should count as a mitzvah for you!

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Response to MosheFeingold (Reply #28)

Thu Mar 12, 2020, 04:36 PM

31. I'm loving your jokes.

Pardon me if I’m wrong or speaking out of turn but don’t I remember reading your in your 90’s? So you’re almost there, to 100. Hope you’re with us till you’re 120, I always enjoy your posts.

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Response to Turin_C3PO (Reply #31)

Mon Mar 16, 2020, 05:45 PM

32. Thank you! n/t

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Tue Jan 7, 2020, 06:57 PM

25. The most modern Jewish thing I've ever heard

This was a literal conversation I overheard during the holidays. It's not a joke, but just strike me as something that could be.

The names have been changed to protect my relatives. The Yiddish use is as was heard.

Sarah is a older Jewish lady. She was talking to her long time friend Gilda, with whom she has a mutual competitive relationship, as Jewish grandmothers are want to do.

Sarah: "I heard your grand daughter has decided she is a lesbian and is marrying a woman. What a shanda!

Gilda, sighing, "Yes, but her spouse is Jewish. And a doctor!"

Sarah (involuntarily) "Ohh!"

No clue why this conversation was so damn funny, but I almost spit out my drink. It's literally the most Jewish conversation I've ever heard.

And, yes, Sarah, is a bit of a witch.

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Mon Feb 10, 2020, 09:36 PM

30. A short sweet joke for you

I heard this at memorial services for a wonderful woman: it was her favorite joke.

A man sits down to a woman on a bench. After a little while she says to him "you look like my third husband!".

He is a bit shocked and blurts out the question "how many husbands have you had?"

She replies with a flirtatious attitude "Two"...

I go to services every week when I can. If I don't come they call and ask why I wasn't there!

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Mon Mar 16, 2020, 05:54 PM

33. Reading Der Stuermer

A Jewish guy, David, is walking out of the synagogue when he sees his friend Shmuley reading the paper just outside. As he gets closer he sees he's reading Der Stuemer, a Neo-Nazi newspaper. In anger, he slaps the paper out of Shmuley's hands and starts screaming. "What are you, a Meshugenah!!? How could you read such filth?"

Shmuley ust shrugs and responds "I read the Jewish newspapers every day and it's the same thing. This Jew got attacked or Israel under attack, and so on. It's depressing."

"Yeah? So? How does that explain this!" exclaimed David, pointing at the paper.

Shmuley replied, "Well, have you picked up one of these papers? Jews control the media, Jews control the banks, Jews control the weather. It's a real confidence builder."

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Mon Mar 16, 2020, 05:55 PM

34. Studying Hebrew

A Jewish man is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel. He was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The prison replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To which the Jew said, "Well, I already know Russian..."

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Mon Mar 16, 2020, 05:58 PM

35. Captured in Syria


A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?

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Response to MosheFeingold (Reply #35)

Fri Mar 20, 2020, 04:26 PM

36. It's funny because it's true!

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Mon May 4, 2020, 05:31 PM

37. Two quick ones

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into the blood bank.

The rabbit says "I think I must be a type O."

+++++++++

An elderly couple is at their reform synagogue. The wife says "I've let out a silent fart during the prayer. What should I do?"

The husband responds, "change the batteries in your hearing aids."

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Thu May 7, 2020, 02:41 PM

38. Mealtime

The Rabbi had come for supper. After supper, Joshua, the youngest boy asked the Rabbi, "Rabbi, my goyishe friends say a blessing before a meal. But we say a prayer before and after a meal. How come?"

There was silence for a bit, then the Rabbi looked around, saw that the women were in the kitchen, and whispered "have you not seen your mother's cooking?"

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Response to MosheFeingold (Original post)

Thu May 7, 2020, 02:51 PM

39. Two Hilltops

A Rabbi in Israel was telling a young boy about two hills, the first being the midrash of the hilltop where the Temple stood.

Briefly, he told the tale of two brothers who lived -- a long time ago -- on opposite sides of the hill. One brother had no children, but marginal land. The other brother had lots of children, but good land.

Each bother, caring for the other, endeavored to help the other.

Every night, in secret, the brother with the good land would carry a sack of grain over the hill and add it to his brother's supply, for his brother had poor land.

Every night, in secret, the brother with no family would carry a sack of grain over the hill and add it to his brother's supply, for his brother had many children to feed.

One night, they met at the top of the hill, laughed at what they had been doing, and hugged.

On this hill, the Temple was eventually built.

"And what of the other hill?" asked the young boy.

"Oh," replied the rabbi. "There was another hill. Same exact situation. Two brothers, one with good land and lots of family and another with poor land but no children. They did the same thing. carry the grain. But when they met, the brothers beat the crap out of each other."

"On THIS second hill," the rabbi sighed, "we built the Knesset."

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