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Thu Jun 27, 2013, 01:29 AM

Advanced Alien Civilization Discovers Uninhabitable Planet

Advanced Alien Civilization Discovers Uninhabitable Planet



CONSTELLATION HYDRA—Dashing the hopes of those among them who believed the faraway world would surely prove habitable, astronomers from the Terxus II star system announced Thursday that a recently discovered planet remarkably like their own is in fact completely hostile to life.

According to scientists from the advanced alien civilization, despite possessing liquid water and a position just the right distance from its sun, the bluish-green terrestrial planet they have named RP-26 cannot sustain life due to its eroding landmasses, rapidly thinning atmosphere, and increasingly harsh climate.

“Theoretically, this place ought to be perfect,” leading Terxus astrobiologist Dr. Srin Xanarth said of the reportedly blighted planet located at the edge of a spiral arm in the Milky Way galaxy. “When our long-range satellites first picked it up, we honestly thought we’d hit the jackpot. We just assumed it would be a lush, green world filled with abundant natural resources. But unfortunately, its damaged biosphere makes it wholly unsuitable for living creatures of any kind.”

“It’s basically a dead planet,” she added. “We give it another 200 years, tops.”

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http://www.theonion.com/articles/advanced-alien-civilization-discovers-uninhabitabl,32808/?ref=auto

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Reply Advanced Alien Civilization Discovers Uninhabitable Planet (Original post)
progressoid Jun 2013 OP
Gregorian Jun 2013 #1
Javaman Jun 2013 #2
progressoid Jun 2013 #3
allan01 Jun 2013 #4
navarth Jun 2013 #5
ConcernedCanuk Jun 2013 #6

Response to progressoid (Original post)

Thu Jun 27, 2013, 01:33 AM

1. Subsequent investigations showed surprising amounts of plastic.

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Response to progressoid (Original post)

Thu Jun 27, 2013, 09:51 AM

2. Did you watch the new BattleStar Galactica? nt

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Response to Javaman (Reply #2)

Thu Jun 27, 2013, 11:16 AM

3. We need to start working on a jump drive



"There must be some kind of way out of here,"
Said the joker to the thief,
"There's too much confusion,
I can't get no relief.
Businessman they drink my wine,
Plowman dig my earth
None will level on the line, nobody offered his word, hey"

"No reason to get excited,"
The thief, he kindly spoke
"There are many here among us
Who feel that life is but a joke
But you and I, we've been through that
And this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late"

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Response to progressoid (Original post)

Thu Jun 27, 2013, 04:31 PM

4. reAdvanced Alien Civilization Discovers Uninhabitable Planet

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Response to progressoid (Original post)

Thu Jun 27, 2013, 04:47 PM

5. Maybe they'll be able to terraform/clean it up

It will still be too late for our dumb asses.

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Response to progressoid (Original post)

Sat Jun 29, 2013, 08:50 AM

6. More from the link in the OP

 

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"Essentially, you have this entire world that’s a deathbed for everything still managing to live there,” said Dr. Xanarth, who estimates that tens of thousands of species on RP-26 go extinct every year. “And for whatever reason, members of its most dominant species choose to live above ground, where they are exposed to deadly ultraviolet rays and weather patterns that grow more and more violent all the time.”

“The majority of them live in crowded, dirty clusters along heavily contaminated bodies of water,” she continued. “It’s really all very sad.”


/snip/


“Frankly, it would be pretty pointless to explore it any further unless we wanted to study how things die,” Dr. Xanarth said. “It’s basically going to be an ugly, befouled rock covered in a thick soup of deadly chemicals. It would need to be terraformed before we could even walk on its surface, which, let’s face it, I don’t think anyone in their right mind would be willing to do.”

“As for the intelligent life-forms inhabiting that planet right now, God help them, because that whole place is going to hell,” she added. “It’s really a shame, too, because all our data suggests they would have made for really good eating.”

CC

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