I'm new to this group and I have been browsing and reading for days

[iwillalwayswonderwhy]

I haven't found anyone talking about this, so I thought perhaps I could bring it up.

I was raised in a religious home that was in the church door every time it was opened. It was Southern Baptist. I started being pressured and encouraged to "join the church and be baptized" by my parents starting around the time when I was about 8 years old. I asked my parents how I would know when to do this and they told me I would just KNOW when it was the right thing to do.

So I kept waiting. And my parents were expressing disappointment. I never ever felt a "knowing", but after a while, I decided it was in my best interest to fake it, so I did and I never told anybody I was faking.

Here's the thing:

I THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS REALLY REALLY WRONG WITH ME AND THAT I WAS EVIL. I was just a little kid and I thought something was terribly wrong with me.

Now I am a 57-year grandma, and I still get angry that I was made to feel like that as a little kid.

Anybody else experience this?

[Auggie]

1. I thought at times that if I was wrong, and there really was a Hell, I was doomed ...

hilarious.

Our family was not church goers and I was never under pressure to do or believe anything. I have to hand it to my parents—they didn't ram it down my throat nor care about my decision.

As a kid I got into debates with other kids. I was sure to let my opinions be known until I realized how many neighboring adults started to forbid their kids from hanging around with me. I'm sure they thought I was evil. My attitude then is the same it is now: screw 'em.

[trotsky]

2. I grew up in a fairly liberal Lutheran church.

But I had the same thoughts - maybe not to the same extent though, those Baptists are a lot more fire-and-brimstone than Lutherans! Our confirmation process is a scheduled thing, it happens around 7th-8th grade for everyone. I had never "felt' anything going to church, attenting Sunday School, going through confirmation classes. Even on a spiritual retreat we did to a lodge just prior to the actual confirmation ceremony.

So, like you, I went through the motions, and assumed I would eventually "feel" it. But I never did. Then I got to college, and learned there were people who - *gasp* - didn't believe in gods and had some pretty good reasons why!

You are right to be angry about being made to feel like that.

[iwillalwayswonderwhy]

3. I still to this day remember it as my childhood deep dark secret from everybody

I walked out the church in an indignant huff when I was around 16. Up until that point, the only thing I really loved about it was hymns and choral music.

[FiveGoodMen]

4. "I thought something was really really wrong with me..."

The essential premise of christianity is that -- from the time you're born -- burning to death is too good for you.

A just and loving god who would never overreact has already decided that humans deserve to suffer infinitely for finite transgressions (of a seemingly arbitrary nature) because we just suck that much.

BUT...we've got a get out of hell free card so that if we assert the right notions about god and his history with us, we don't have to suffer although we have to remember that we still deserve to!!!!

Indeed, we are supposed to tell god what worthless pieces of shit we are and beg him, on a regular basis, to forgive our worthless selves.

It is the single most vile piece of mental illness ever to arise from the human mind.

[Warpy]

5. Try growing up Irish Catholic, it's worse

but I remember kids down south trying to out Glory-Gee-to-Beezus each other. I always knew they were trying to convince themselves there was something to it besides theater.

At least the Southern Baptists never told their little girls they were all going to hell because men had "sinful" thoughts about them. That always seemed so unfair. It was so out of our control--why didn't the men having those thoughts go to hell instead?

But that's why it was worse.

[iwillalwayswonderwhy]

6. That's bad, and I'm not trying to out-bad you

But our deacons spray-painted swastikas on a house across the street from the church because a black family bought it. When I loudly complained I was told I was just a teenager and didn't understand grown up things like property values. That's was the tipping point and that's when I left.

Yee-hah, the south in the 60's. What fun.

[FiveGoodMen]

7. "Go sell all that you have and give the money to the poor. Then come follow me" -- Who said that?

Property values?!??!?!

Those deacons are goddamned lucky that there is no god.

[Warpy]

9. That's when I fled the south. Yee haw, indeed

[YankeyMCC]

8. I had a kinda stupid luck as a kid

The family was catholic as were most of my friends. As a kid I always just assumed it was all just show just a sort of shared community ritual that no one really believed the myths were literally true including the idea of god.

And so I never really said anything until I was an adult with my own family. Then I got the shock of being called immoral and told I was no longer my mother's son.

Thankfully I was an adult and escaped the kind of emotional trauma of a child getting that kind of treatment

[meeshrox]

10. That was my experience, too.

First of all, welcome! I'm pretty new to posting, but have been lurking since before the 2008 elections.

Southern Baptist, or as I call it "Devil in the Basement Baptist" from my father's upbringing. I was baptized at 4 years old, was abused by my father (his favorite commandment was honor your father and mother), was told not to think bad thoughts because god would know, was told not to say bad things because I was giving the devil ideas. My mother never knew about the abuse (my dad died eight years ago, I'm 31) and I'll probably never tell her. I knew he was the breadwinner and didn't want to see us in poverty. I just avoided him at all times, especially as a teen. I know that upbringing is an unusual mindfuck in addition to what most others experienced. I still would have ended up asking those questions, but I have a problem with being too emphatic/guilt-ridden of others' situations because of what happened.

I got depressed as a teen and doubled down, but none of my pastors could explain why god allowed me to be abused and that it was just "god's will" (I never told them directly but asked them why children of all people suffer such things). I imagine they would have tried to appear more sensitive if they had known the whole story. Once I got into college, I took a world religions class and realized that not everyone was right, so I figured maybe none of them are. I haven't looked back since.

Along the way, I thought the same things as you did...that there was something wrong with me or that I just needed to try harder at being christ-like. I know that most other non-believers didn't come upon their non-belief this way, but that's my story. Right now, I see my niece and nephews going through the indoctrination and worry that they will have the same issues when they start to question things, especially since they will be inclined to enter science and engineering fields, and not be able the square the incompatable viewpoints.

It makes me angry as well to see them going through so much, they are between ages of 8 and 12 now. I'm pretty well recovered, but I still carry the guilt part of the Southern Baptist doctrine with me. I think it's OK to still be angry, it helps me focus on what I can do about it.

[Curmudgeoness]

11. I guess that I was lucky as a child.

I wasn't really a great thinker when I was young, so I just went along with it all. I feel for you, because I do know the pressure put on people to "feel the glory of Jesus". I was not a great thinker, but I also was not a great rebel....until I hit about 15 or 16. So when I had to go through the baptism and all that went with it, I just did it. I didn't really think whether it was right or wrong for me, or whether I believed or not. I never really felt the love, but I didn't worry about that. I don't suppose I took any of it seriously, since when I went to Bible camp every year, I was always sneaking over to the "boy's hill" or getting in trouble for making jokes and laughing during prayers. I am lucky, I didn't feel guilty about it. And I didn't have to decide when to join the church---it was pre-set for us at 12 or 13.

Your experience as a child is so sad. But I will bet that 90% of the people in your church who said you would just know when it was right also didn't really feel more than the desire to fit in. And the other 10% deluded themselves into feeling something that wasn't there. I can understand how you became an atheist. It was unfair.

It was only later, in steps, that I became an unashamed atheist. It took time to get here.

[ScottLand]

12. I was never baptized but I did go through most of the same things and I still get mad at some of it.

I was fortunate that my parents took the same trip with me - we were casual church goers, briefly studied with the Jehovah's Witnesses (over thirty years ago), then just kinda dropped out. Now we're essentially non-believers (though I'm still the only one that says I'm an atheist).

My advice is to let it go and move on. I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but you're too young to let it keep you from being happy today. And doesn't it feel great to realize it wasn't you there was something wrong with?!

[OriginalGeek]

13. Welcome!

Independent, Fundamental Baptist here. My mother and stepfather had a children's ministry until she died. I have no idea what he's doing now.

But yeah, all the same here. Except your girls could wear pants. In independent fundamental land, girls in pants were whores.

After a long and careful consideration, I just don't feel I can be anything other than an atheist.

The fact that it pisses off my step-father is only a bonus.

[iwillalwayswonderwhy]

14. This is why I am never surprised when people vote against their own self-interests

They already proven themselves gullible in the extreme.

[FiveGoodMen]

15. I think their gullibility is greatly developed and enhanced in church

When you're very young and impressionable, your folks take you to a big building where a mixture of threats (going to hell) and peer pressure (you want to be one of us, don't you) are used to condition your responses to certain life experiences.

You're conditioned to feel warm and comfy and accepted when you spout whatever nonsense they want to hear.

You're conditioned to feel good about yourself (righteous) when you deliberately ignore facts and stick to their script no matter what.

Your brain is taught to seek out the acceptance of the group and happily reject evidence that you might be wrong.

Their word for that preference of their story over any facts is ... faith.

Faith is the worst thing in the world.

[OriginalGeek]

17. Yep.

The brainwashing, err, faith teaching, begins early. I remember the adults being proud as punch when a 7 or 8 year old "came to the lord"...Even then I wondered why they didn't see it as the brainwashing it was but it took me a while to figure out it had happened to me too.

[Gore1FL]

16. I came upon my atheism much more recently

At least the outright acknowledgement of it to myself. I prayed in early 2010 for my son, and in 2011 when I lost my mom.
I was a born again (though thankfully not an in-your-face sort for maybe a decade and a half.) I was a member of a Lutheran Fraternity in college. Studied the Bible in a classroom as literature. I went to church virtually every Sunday of my first 18 years of life.

Never had a doubt until I had marriage problems in late 1999. I can't say I was an atheist then, though. I was clutching for any answer I could get, and a few of them were out there.

It wasn't until I saw this video that I actually managed to step back and re-assess what was real and fact-based:

I find I like discovery much more than revelation.

I get a little angry looking back at decisions I have made based on faith. I'm not angry at my parents for raising me that way. Moreso I am angry at myself for not stepping back sooner. I think I would have saved a lot of neurosis.

[onager]

18. I had a very similar background.

Raised SoB (Southern Baptist) at about the same time as you. Also in the Deep South.

Generally, I think our local church was sort of SoB Lite or something. Sunday School, Sunday service, done. We lived so far out in the country that church was virtually the only social outlet.

I sure had it a lot easier than some of my cousins, who belonged to the Fire-Baptized Pentecostal Holiness church. I got dragged to some of their services as a kid and thought those people were nuts, compared to us boring Baptists. Screaming gibberish (i.e., talking in tongues), falling in the floor, running around the church yelling when they "got in the Spirit," etc. And their damn Sunday services gave me a good working definition of "eternity."

But when I was 8 or 9 years old, our church hosted a fire-breathing "Special Revival" preacher. He hammered hard on the idea that anyone could die AT ANY SECOND. If unbaptized, you would go straight to Hell where you could see your former family members laughing at you from Heaven.

That scared me so much that I answered the Altar Call that very night and got baptized the next week.

Like you, all these years later I'm still sort of pissed off that I fell for that sleazy sales pitch. But as you note, once a person "accepted the Lord," there was massive positive reinforcement from relatives, neighbors, etc. And we were just kids, after all.

I've been a happy atheist for many years now. I just spent 2 weeks at home for the holidays and see evidence that things are actually changing back there. Reading the local newspaper, I saw several letters to the editor from "out" atheists in that area. Which amazed me.

One letter from a woman said (from memory): "I never had real peace of mind until I got rid of religion and became an atheist."

Atheist Amen, sister!

[iwillalwayswonderwhy]

19. What? No Sunday night service?

No Tuesday night visitation?
No Wednesday night supper and prayer meeting?
No Thursday night choir rehearsal?
No Saturday morning witness rally to "spread the good news"?

I only wish I were kidding. We got Monday and Friday off.

[onager]

20. Most of those were available...

...but not many people went.

There was Wednesday night prayer meeting, for those who needed to recharge their Jesus-Batteries midweek. IIRC, attended mostly by older people who felt they were getting closer to the Pearly Gates and needed all the credits they could get.

For boys, the church had the Royal Ambassadors. I was in that for a while. We had "sword drills." Get yer minds outta the gutter! The sword was a Bible, and the drills consisted of being the first to look up a Bible verse. Got boring pretty quick.

Witness rallies? Nope. We got all the witnessing we needed from the Bob Jones University students who roamed around annoying people as part of their curriculum. Even my devout Bap kinfolks thought the BJU crowd was goofy. They called that school "Jesus Tech."

Couple of years ago, the church I attended as a kid got a hustling young, new preacher who decided the place needed to be a megachurch.

He was stupid enough to brag that this would look good on his resume, and started a bunch of Fund Drives that just pissed people off.

Even stupider - he had a political tin ear. This is a small country church founded in 1857 and still largely controlled by descendants of the founders.

Several of those descendants had unpaid volunteer jobs in the church. That dumbass fired all of them and moved in some of his young cronies from the seminary. Who all got salaries.

The last straw, I think, was when he started pitching a "missionary trip." And what benighted, un-Xian Third World backwater was he and his buddies going to evangelize? London - yep, the one in the U.K.

[iwillalwayswonderwhy]

21. Yes, I was a G.A. (girl' s auxiliary) and I forgot Training Union

We did Bible drills, too. We had to work on steps for the coronation service starting with lady- in- waiting all the way up to queen. I remember one of the steps was to prepare and eat a foreign meal. We had a slumber party to knock out that step together. We made French fries and canned biscuit pizzas. Thank jebus our adult leader could advise us some foreign foods.

[AlbertCat]

22. Guilt and the fear of being ostracized and shunned....

.... are the main tools of religions to keep people coming and adding to the collection plate.

[truegrit44]

23. Excellent discussion!

I was raised Catholic and went thru all the steps. My mother dragging me along never missed a Sunday or Holy Day. It was Saturday Catechism for 12 years the whole works. I don't ever remember really believing anything, just went along because I was forced.

I was even dumb enough (I guess just programed) to marry my lst husband in the church and actually have all my children baptized. Was kinda off and on with going to church and taking my kids and didn't make any kind of deal about it with them. I always knew tho it was bullshit, but just thought it was the right thing to do.

By the time my youngest received lst communion I was really tired of the whole thing and just kinda quit going. After that time I actually gave it some real thought and decided I was an atheist.

Living in the bible belt, I often think of all the children who are being "mind fucked" and to me it is borderline child abuse. Very sad

[awoke_in_2003]

24. I was raised Methodist...

the most important thing to Methodists is "when is the next pot luck?"

[OriginalGeek]

27. lol, My methodist cousins always told the best Baptist jokes

Why do you never take less than 2 baptists fishing with you?






because if you take only one he'll drink all your beer.

[marlakay]

25. I was raised Presbyterian in a liberal church

But as I got older it felt watered down, I wanted to believe (like fox in the xfiles) so as a teen I got saved and joined a hippie far right church. They made me feel guilty for everything.

I started having doubts in my 20's and left far right church, went to Methodist church for 5 yrs then stopped altogether and over time I am 56 I am not sure what I believe but it's not in the bible or any religion.

My neighbors on all sides go to different churches and they are judgemental. But if I think about it, I judge them for being the way they are too! The difference is I don't send people to their house to preach non belief.

[intaglio]

26. You are not alone

you might find the site Ex-Christian useful. It contains testimonies from many people, including many who have not completely lost their faith.

There are also more contentious articles.