Let's see if you have what it takes to write for HuffPo or Salon

[Goblinmonger]

Give me your best pitch for your article. Remember 2 things:

1. It must start with "I'm an atheist BUT ______________"
2. Throw Dawkins under the bus in new and fun ways.

[JNelson6563]

1. A certain DUer comes to mind...

Not an AAer though.

Julie

[trotsky]

2. Ooh ooh let me try.

New Atheism Full of Privileged White Men Who Want to Kill Believers
by trotsky (no, not THAT Trotsky)

I'm an atheist, but I don't think the Organized Atheist Movement does itself any favors by being so extreme and aggressive. Consider Christopher Hitchens, who is alleged to have said "I want to kill and eat all religious believers." (Because I just alleged it - if he didn't, he can speak up and correct me.) He was also in favor of torture until he volunteered to be waterboarded and announced he changed his mind and didn't support it anymore but I'm going to disregard that and say that he still supported torture and probably therefore wanted to torture all the religious believers before killing and eating them.

The man many of the most vile atheists hail as their spokesman and infallible king and "pope," Richard Dawkins, was once photographed wearing a T-shirt that said, "Religion: Together we can find the cure." This CLEARLY means that Dawkins too wants to eliminate all religion and exterminate all believers in the most violent way possible. What an extremist! Anything he says can therefore be not only disregarded but assumed to be false. Except for the sensible things which a lot of people agree with, which I will deny he actually said so never mind.

Until Organized Atheism rises up and overthrows these horrible individuals who are completely evil (please don't go and research what they've actually said, just accept my statements, thanks), they will destroy us all. Please, my fellow atheists, don't let this happen. Believers are real human beings with feelings and should not be killed or eaten!

[Rob H.]

3. LOL. Nicely done!

You really nailed it.

[Heddi]

5. Ooh you're awesome

Wanna make out?

[trotsky]

8. Only if it's on a boat!

Creating all our electricity with an inefficient fossil fuel engine, while we feel superior to landlubbers who leave lights on in their house.

[Heddi]

13. I maded this

I maked this meem



I didn't maked this one

[Act_of_Reparation]

4. The Case for Agnosticism

The Case for Agnosticism
by Act_of_Reparation

I am an atheist, but I find this doesn't get me invited to as many dinner parties as I would like. So, I call myself "agnostic" instead. That's cool with me, really. I mean, I can't prove God doesn't exist.

I don't care what that asshole Richard Dawkins says. I probably bang more chicks than he does.

*Insert dozens of links to celebrity nipple slips*

[onager]

6. How Can I Resist...?

Why We Need A New New Atheism

by Hipsterina Witkotkoke Le-Sac-de-Douche

I'm an atheist but has anyone else noticed, like, how OLD most atheists are? And white? And don't you dare mention my Twitter pic, I happen to be 1/135 Native American of the Lakota Sioux tribe, as you can see by my middle name - given to me by a genuine Lakota warrior, my Mom's gardener Sanchez. He said it meant "beautiful large moon." We were having a wonderful conversation while I educated him about Lakota history and culture. (1)

Why can't more atheists be young and hip, like the guys in Imagine Dragons or something? Not that I'm a boring old het or anything. I identify as a transallgender Furry otherkin, sexually. Not that it's any of your business, old white atheist perv.

And most of those old atheists are SO privileged and materialistic!(2) Here I am, about to graduate college, driving a 5-yr-old BMW and using this old POS laptop that's like a YEAR old and these guys are making millions of dollars writing BOOKS! BOOKS! Talk about your obsolete technology!

And of course, the oldest, most whitest, privilegedest materialistical jerk of them all is that Richard Dorkins guy. One look at him and I KNOW atheism needs new leaders. And you can help by signing up to my Kickstarter campaign, or just hitting the "Donate" button on my blog. Yes, yes, I KNOW the damn blog is still empty but it's only 6 months old and I'm spending all my time writing these free articles for HuffPo. They say it's good exposure and I'll soon be a Head Writer for the New New Atheism we all need so badly, judging by these walking corpses they're trying to foist off on us as leaders.

So help me stick it to the man and fight the power! And don't forget the "Donate" button!

(1) Jacqueoff Derrida, "Neostructural rationalism, constructivism and Gen. Custer"
(2) Michel Fuqueallt, "Postcapitalist cultural theory and Sartreist existentialism"

NOTE from Ms. Le-Sac-de-Douche's now-suicidal editor, Onager - To create your own instant post-modernist screeds, just visit the PoMo Generator at the link below. New profundities every time you hit the "Refresh" button!

http://www.elsewhere.org/pomo/

[Act_of_Reparation]

7. LOL

Nicely done

[trotsky]

9. Dude, you win.

Hands down.

[onager]

10. We all win...

When we're making fun of these self-important dweebs.

In slogging thru (too) many of their Twitter feeds, FB pages and blogs, I've noticed they really hate humor. At least when it's directed at them. They flee from humor like zombies running from a flamethrower. It may be a crime even worse than disagreeing with them. They don't tolerate that very well, either.

But they're going to "take over the atheist/skeptic movement!" Yay! Fortunately we don't have to worry too much about that. They come across as a bunch of slacktivists who can barely make it out of bed in the morning, judging by their own writings. The idea that a loudmouth with a backwater blog can replace someone like Dawkins is the funniest part of the whole thing.

[trotsky]

11. But Dawkins is so EXTREEEEEMMMMMME

(I have to say that so I can make it look like I'm right in the sensible middle between the rabid fundamentalists who kill people, and extreme atheists who... uh... write books and stuff!)

[Heddi]

12. :clears throat: cough cough :cracks knuckles: tap tap tap....is this thing on? Ahem....

OH ATHEISTS AND HOW AWFUL ARE THEY? THANKS FOR ASKING. HERE I'LL TELL YOU.
Sir Reginald M. Longbottoms III, Esq, RN, PhD, MD, RN II, LPN, CNA, CPA, FACS, etc etc etc.

I'm an atheist, but it's not something I shout from the rooftops. I don't do much shouting now, not after that whole "kerfluffle" with the tracheostomy. However, people say the tinny voice that resonates from my electronic voice box really "gets things shaking" at the weekly bunko/bingo mixup.

I don't know about you, but I"m sure I'm not the only atheist who has fond memories of going to church as a young person, spending long hours pouring over bible passages (and getting quite a sting from a ruler to the face if we didn't annunciate and recite properly. Oh those zingers, how my heart longs for you!), and just falling in love again and again with the utterly open arms of Christ.

I know I can't be the only atheist who feels deep shame admitting their love and dedication for Christ. I have yet to meet another Atheist in the great halls of my fabulous megachurch, whose halls are freckled with the sunny patterns filtered through the $15,000,000 stained glass windows we just had installed. I know I can't be the only one. I can't be the only person who calls themself an Athiest who has devoted their life to the love of God.

I've gone to other so-called "atheist meet-ups" and oh wow! What a drag. A bunch of people talking about everything BUT God. To my surprise, some of them even met in a BAR or a RESTAURANT, and talked about things like SPORTS and DOGS and HOME BREWING BEER. To say I was shocked and dismayed would really be an understatement. I wondered "why aren't these people meeting in a house of worship, singing their praise OF God TO God for all to hear?"

I always went home and prayed long and hard, mostly hard, after these meetings.

I also prayed to God that every paragraph I start, whether writing or speaking, begins with the words "I" or "me." As you can see, God has blessed me thoroughly.

I know I'm not the only one who says COME ON, GOD-LOVING ATHEISTS! Come out of the closet! Don't be fooled by those religion-hating, Dawkins-worshipe "Faketheists" (I came up with that on my own!). Who amongst us can't admit that yes, when you look at the evidence with an unbaised eye, Genesis really does lay out the timeline of the universe's creation step by step.

I ask you all, stand with me, and come together. Cast away the anti-God, anti-Religion bigotry shared by so many Atheists. Stand with me and say "FUCK YOU, DAWKINS."

The End.

[onager]

14. You'll be hearing from my lawyer, Missy...

And also from our lobbying group - Progressive Important Mature Preachers.

(This was really just a sneaky way to BUMP the thread for newcomers. Don't want them to miss your piece.

BTW, you owe me ANOTHER new keyboard...)

[Manifestor_of_Light]

15. But but but....

we're really not telling atheists to STFU. Really. Just because they say something, they are "Vocal". And that's bad, but we're not really saying that.



It's actually disguised anti-intellectualism, but they would never admit it. So people with facts are "intellectual snobs" but no, they're not putting fact-based people down.