Mormons at the door...

[Ron Obvious]

This morning I was rudely awakened from a lovely erotic dream involving a young Cybill Shepherd by a persistent knocking on the front door.

Mormons.

I responded in my customary considerate and kindly fashion:

"No! Fuck Off!" *SLAM!!!*

I would have reacted more forcefully but I believe it's still a misdemeanor in some jurisdictions to shoot Mormon missionaries and Jehovah witnesses on your doorstep.

Before you respond with a story about how you answer the door in the nude, or invited them in to join you in a Satanic mass, I should warn you that I disbelieve 99% of such stories.

I was actually a little bit surprised. It's been years since one of them knocked on our door, and while I'd spotted dozens of them in the neighbourhood recently, I thought they must've marked our door with some sort of invisible sigil in order to avoid wasting time at our unkempt and weed-infested hovel.

Apparently it wore off.

But it did set me wondering. Why do they all look alike so much? They're all young white males (naturally), but they're all slightly pudgy, between 5'8" and 6'1" in height with a pasty complexion and an innocent facial expression.

Where are the tall Mormons? The obese ones and the rail-thin ones? Where are the bronzed ones, the naughty-looking ones, the wheelchair-bound ones, the midgets, the women and the minorities? Does the church keep them in reserve, or are you not allowed to participate in a mission if you don't conform to the stereotype?

I wonder about these things.

[TexasTowelie]

1. Have you put a "no solicitors" sign out near your door?

I don't want a visit from them either, but I had a couple of them knock at my deceased father's home last year so I provided them with some information.

First, I indicated my religious beliefs.

Second, I warned them about the next two houses down the street: one is a home for mentally disabled women and the other house belongs to a man that answers his door holding a shotgun.

The men were polite and thanked me for speaking with them and promptly left the neighborhood.

[Ron Obvious]

3. I did actually.

I found it cut in half on the mat one morning.

As silly as that sounds, I actually found that somewhat intimidating.

[Arugula Latte]

20. I put up a sign that says "Please No Solicitors" and it worked for people peddling stuff, but

once in awhile I'd get some thumpers coming by. So I added: "And No Religious Proselytizing" and so far that has done the trick.

[Major Nikon]

27. In my town it's illegal to knock on a door selling something if a "no soliciting" sign is displayed

The ordinance includes religious proselytizing. Ever since I put mine up it keeps the Mormons away who are evidently smart enough to read the ordinance. I did have one Christian proselytizer who wanted to argue about his "1st amendment" rights on my porch until I told him he could argue with the cops who were on their way and if he didn't get off my property he could also have a discussion with them about trespassing.

[awoke_in_2003]

23. People peddling god...

don't consider themselves solicitors- they are they to "save" you.

[AtheistCrusader]

24. I always get into an argument with them over that. Like membership in ANY church is free.

But I recognize there is little point arguing with them over it. They're so gullible they can't figure their position in the Ponzi scheme out, they sure as hell aren't going to listen to *me*.

[hollysmom]

2. Just get a dog

I would politely tell them I was not interested and yet, every Sunday they were there again. Then I got a sweet affectionate, 50 pound dog. Never saw them again.

[Ron Obvious]

4. I have an artificial one

I love dogs, but can't accomodate one due to our travelling life style, unfortunately.

I do have a recorded one. One of those nasty, growly, "I'm wanna bite your bollocks" barking dog sounds. When it senses vibrations near the front door, it's supposed to start barking.

In my ideal home, I'd have two dogs and two cats.

Some day...

[hollysmom]

6. best of luck with that future. I hope you get the animals of your dreams. too many need homes. Nt

[Warpy]

5. I think it's inbreeding, myself. They do look like clones.

I know one of the things I'd shriek at them when they'd lean on the doorbell right after I'd gotten to sleep after a 12 hour night shift is "THIS FUCKING PLACE BETTER BE ON FIRE!"

Eventually it dawned on all the door knockers that knocking on my door was a bad idea. The Mormons cross the street when they get to my house and have done for over 15 years.

I had another friend who was awake when they called and invited them in to sell them Amway. He got rid of them, too.

Still, I think the best policy is to pay a night nurse to sleep on your couch on Saturdays while you clear off for the day. I guarantee you that s/he will get rid of them in just a few weekends.

[Curmudgeoness]

7. "This fucking place better be on fire."

I love that one. I am sure that they don't like to hear that word. (And I don't mean "fire&quot

Glad you got rid of them. I would say that I have gotten rid of them as well, but the time that I say that, I will jinx it and they will be back.

[AtheistCrusader]

25. They do seem to have a secret 'do not disturb' list, don't they?

I've seen them obviously avoid one of my neighbor's houses.

I might bring him a case of beer and ask him how he managed that trick.

[Curmudgeoness]

8. I think that the "imperfect" ones

are sent to Africa on their missions.

[enki23]

9. ...Mormons in my head. But hey, where have you been...

.

[Ron Obvious]

17. Is that a quote?

I confess I'm not recognising it.

[enki23]

19. Sort of. <foo> at the door reminds me of a Pixies song. Every time.

[Auggie]

10. I (cordially) tell them I'm an atheist …

and they (cordially) walk away.

[RebelOne]

15. I tell them I am an atheist, but I don't say it cordially.

The minute those guys show up at my door and I see the bibles in their hands, I say that I am an atheist and slam the door shut.

[bravenak]

11. I tell them their church is racist.

Then i smile and ask how many black people go to that church. Funny, the never disagree or tell me i'm wrong. They just leave and say thank you. Very nice young men. Never seen a woman missionary.

[Ron Obvious]

18. I actually know a black mormon

He's an Iraq vet with PTSD and a lot of problems and he says he derives a lot of strength and comfort from his church. He tithes from his meager earnings too.

I can't really understand it. I've made sure he understands his church's racist past of course, and have also engaged him in dialogue about his beliefs in my usual sensitive snorting and derisive hooting fashion, but he just nods wisely and sagaciously and refused to be drawn.

Bastard.

[progressoid]

12. Jehovah's Witnesses at my door a couple weeks ago.

They always seem to be 30 something women.

I was still in my pajamas with a cup of tea and a piece of toast in hand. I saw the bible and brochures and I sort of snorted and closed the door.

[onager]

13. I wonder about those things too.

There may be something to that "cloning" thing. Or maybe "experiment gone horribly wrong." Where all the missionaries who pound the pavement were supposed to come out looking like Aryan Jesus and instead came out looking like low-level IT geeks.

I'll only say that I've been to Dugway Proving Ground in Utah. A place formerly used to test biological/chemical weapons (and probably still is). There are places at Dugway where the damn ground glows. And moves. Now what else is located in Utah...?

Sometimes I see Mormons in my neighborhood, always paired off like refugees from Noah's Ark and riding bicycles. They wear nametags identifying themselves as Mormons. That's a good idea in Los Angeles, where the citizens are often...jumpy about being approached by strangers on the street. Especially strangers who dress like newbie undercover cops.

Seen them stop and talk to people but they never approach me. Probably because of my "don't even THINK about it" glare.

There are women missionaries also working the neighborhood. Or more accurately, girls. High schoolers, I'd guess. Very perky and chipper - which I fucking hate - and they tend to work in packs of 4 or 5. Not long ago a bunch stopped and perkily invited me to church. Told them I didn't believe in God. The leader just said "Oh...er...uh, OK thanks!" And they scuttled off like I'd just grown horns.

[defacto7]

14. "instead came out looking like low-level IT geeks."

Actually they're the next generation NSA. Gotta look the part.

[RebelOne]

16. I have had those young girls at my door

and when I tell them I am an atheist, I get the same reaction -- "Oh, OK, thanks" and they take off fast.

[Arugula Latte]

21. Well, if you're an atheist, you have zero morals, so you're likely to be a serial killer.

I mean, no wonder they take off.

[onager]

22. Taking off is WAY better...

Than the used-car-salesperson type who sticks around and goes on and ON with the conversion attempt.

"What would it take to put you into this shiny new theology TODAY!?! Lower payments? More on your trade? That old atheism is looking pretty shabby, bud, you'd be much better off in this shiny new Xianity!"

Grrr...

[A HERETIC I AM]

31. Dugway....where the government goes when it wants to be alone.

Area 51 is for tourists.


When I lived in California in the early naughts, we had the religious types in the neighborhood all the time. Lots from various churches, but the Mormons, the 7th day and Jehovahs Witnesses too.

I think word must have gotten around after one particularly sunny Saturday.

3 of the ....how shall I say?.....matronly looking members of a local Baptist church stopped by when I was out front washing the car. I was usually polite, I just look them in the eye and say "No thanks, I am an Atheist. There is no god" and that ends it. This one time one of the women just had to ask about me being Atheist, so I let loose.

I gave her the usual about Christianity being a completely flawed personal philosophical endeavor, that the entire thing is based on the threat of "Jesus loves you, but if you don't love him back he will hurt you forever", that sort of thing. She pressed, so I asked her if she believed every word in the bible was true and the inerrant word of god and that everything is meant as it is written. She said yes.

I asked to see her bible and turned to Psalm 137 : 9 and read it to her.

I said I am not interested in, nor would I consider worshiping such a savage god and they should all have a nice day.

The look on her face was priceless!

[intaglio]

26. Mormons and JWs - Depended on my mood

Normally just a pleasant no

But a while ago to Mormons I did the, "Look I know about Temple Garb, Bishops and Stakeholders and I also know about the fraud who founded you and the the hat and the 2 stones". Strangely, no visits for several years.

For the JW's I once replied to the "Have you heard the Good News," by saying "Yes!" shuddering and speaking in tongues; they had a good turn of speed on them ...

[AlbertCat]

28. I should warn you that I disbelieve 99% of such stories.

Here's a true one for your 1%

My buddy Bill is a nudist who lives at the end of a dead end road in Durham County, NC. He has wooded acreage so he is well camouflaged and often weeds and waters the garden au natural. He was doing so one sunny afternoon when he saw 2 church-ladies (obviously) coming up the drive. He yelled to his boyfriend, Tony who was inside "Tony, bring me a pair of shorts!" just as the women turned the corner so as to be able to see the garden.... and the porch, Tony, big, muscular and hairy...and buck naked too... comes out with a blue pair of shorts and a white pair: "Which one do you want?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

[onager]

29. Worse than Mormons!

I'm sitting here watching the classic Maysles Brothers documentary "Salesman." (DVR'd it from Turner Classic Movies earlier this week.)

Shot in the 1960s, it follows a crew of Bible salesmen around various parts of the U.S.

They are hawking very expensive Catholic Bibles to very poor people. And not just Bibles! Also the "Catholic People's Encyclopedia," which they point out is "authorized by His Holiness The Pope."

And every one of these relentless bastards gets his foot in the door with a lie. "Hi, I'm Mr. Brennan from the church!" But they're not from the church, they're from The Mid-American Bible Company. Though apparently they do set up a display in the local Catholic spookery as part of the marketing plan.

It's really sad to see the families being guilt-tripped into buying these overpriced gimcracks "for the children."

"And don't forget to have it blessed. Otherwise you won't get the full benefit."

WTF? It's a frigging BOOK. Ink, paper and glue. I guess that works something like the Magic Crackers.

Ha! Watching a scene of the sales pitch to a "mixed marriage." (Husband is Protestant.) He lets the 2 salesmen waste time doing their spiel, then politely shows them the door. No sale.

Definitely worth your time when it turns up on TCM again. Subject aside, it's a great time capsule of America in the 1960s. White shirts, porkpie hats, skinny ties and everybody smoked. Sort of like watching a sadder, B&W version of "Mad Men."

[Act_of_Reparation]

30. When they ask you if you have a moment to discuss your temporal salvation...

...tell them you don't, because you're too busy masturbating.

They won't come back again.

[Lordquinton]

32. Isn't that a song by the Doors?