Holiday...er....Christmas gifts for your theist friends!

[AlbertCat]

I got 22 catalogues this week in the mail!


Anyway.... one THINGS GIFTS YOU NEVER KNEW EXISTED.... (since 1914) (What about things I never knew existed before 1914?)
It's full of crap of course (Like poo shaped coffee mugs that say "Coffee makes me poo" and poo shaped soap...strangely scatological the whole catalogue.)

But there were some interesting books our religious friends are bound to be interested in (I am!).

There's LOST BOOKS OF THE BIBLE which I don't recommend because it must be a very slim volume....the books are LOST after all.

Y'know how Christians are not to suffer a witch, and reading "Harry Potter" is a pneumatic tube to hell? Some books for those folks:

BIBLE SPELLS "Obtain Your Every Desire by Activating the Secret Meaning of Hundreds of Biblical Verses"
Could every verse in the Bible still be charged with the energy God gave to language at the very beginning of time?
These easy-to-perform spiritual spells using verses from the Holy Bible (plus incense, candles and/or crystals) will have a deep impact on all aspects of your life: love and romance, money and business success, protection of your home, removing bad luck and curses and much more!

CANDLE BURNING MAGIC WITH PSALMS "Create Life's Greatest Blessings, By Combining The Power Of The Holy Psalms With The Magic Of Burning Different Colored Candles"
Over 150 Proven Rituals Using God's Inspired Words!
All you need to fulfill your innermost desires, dreams and wishes is a match, ordinary candles, incense and the ability to recite a specific Psalm from Scripture.
Detailed steps are included on: how to overcome depression, keep bad luck away, help in court cases, attract love and friendship, bring prosperity and fortune into your life, and more!

Both are by William Oribello and are $21.90-something.

But seriously there are 2 T-shirts that are so good....so GOTH... I'm getting them for a (very non-religious but radical....he'll wear them) friend of mine.

The Sacred Heart Jesus T



and The Crown of Thorns T (so realistically printed it has a 3D effect!)




So who else has some winning gifts for theists? Let's see 'em. Knock yourselves out.


Get that shopping done before the Solstice!!!

[frogmarch]

1. I love those Tees!

Great ideas, all of them!

Here’s another gift idea:

His Essence Candles



http://www.hisessence.com/category_s/19.htm

The Company

His EssenceTM is inspired by Psalm 45:8 - "All your robes are fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia..." The Bible verse refers to the garments of the Messiah when He returns. We carefully combine these fragrances and the result is a scent, which serves as a reminder of His Presence.

The Product

The first product using this formula was a 14-ounce jar candle. The original candle was manufactured by Woodbridge Candle Company in Freeman, South Dakota. Beginning in June 2006 the Acadian Candle Company of Bloomington, MN became the official developer and manufacturer for His EssencesTM candles.

In February 2007 His EssenceTM introduced two new candle scents:

Resurrection, inspired by John 19:39-40 - "Nicodemus brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about 75 pounds. Taking Jesus' body, the two of them wrapped it, with the spices, in strips of linen."

Servanthood, inspired by John 12:3 - "Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume."

Then in 2009 His EssenceTM introduced three more scents:

Forgiven, inspired by Acts 10:43 - "Everyone who believes in Him receives forgiveness of sins through His name."
Adoration, inspired by Matthew 2:11 - "And when they opened their treasures, they presented gifts to Him: gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
The Last Supper, inspired by Matthew 26:26-28 - "Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, 'Take and eat; this is my body.' Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them saying, 'Drink from it, all of you. The is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.'"

[Curmudgeoness]

2. You are on some very strange mailing lists, AlbertCat!

I don't have anything to offer that can compare to your great gift list. I especially like your review of the Lost Books of the Bible....a very slim book indeed.

[Cartoonist]

3. That second one is weird

If I were to see someone wearing it, I would be reminded of that scene in Alien where the creature bursts out of that guy's chest.

[AlbertCat]

4. That second one is weird

Needs a cartoon bubble:

"Thanks a lot Dad!"

or

"Not this again!"

or

"Oy! The shit people will believe!"

[Rob H.]

6. I'd love to see a shirt with Cthulhu art in that style

Imagine the weird/curious/momentarily terrified looks you'd get!

[onager]

5. Deepak Chopra must be kicking himself.

BIBLE SPELLS...CANDLE BURNING MAGIC WITH PSALMS...

The same as Deepak's Quantum Woo, just uses older language - "get what you want with magic" versus "maximize your human potential with Other Ways Of Knowing!". Maybe Deepak can market those spells as VINTAGE Quantum Woo.

I'd guess "Lost Books of the Bible" aren't lost at all, but just the books removed by church authorities when they were putting together the Final No-Shit Official Authorized Holy Bible.

That would be the books considered even more unbelievable than the unbelievable stuff that did make it into the final cut. "The Gospel of Mary Magdalene" etc.

Those make for some great entertainment. You can read and say - "But this doesn't sound any weirder than the yarn about the loaves & fishes, or the different Zombie Jesus stories."

e.g., "The Gospel of Pontius Pilate" gives us a soft-hearted Pilate who was practically president of the Jesus Fan Club. Not a bit like the Pilate in Flavius Josephus' writings. That guy's behavior is more what we'd expect from a Roman military governor tasked with running a province full of religious fanatics and cranky insurgents.

Or my fave, "The Infancy Narratives of St. Thomas." Covers the missing years of Jesus' boyhood, with stories straight out of Stephen King. Like the story about Boy Jesus accidentally killing a childhood playmate, then resurrecting him. "Thanks, Dad, that was a neat trick! Might come in handy again someday..."

[Brainstormy]

7. Great gifts are available

on the Ship of Fools website. I'm sort of torn between the Jesus Tree Topper and the Jesus Hot Air Balloon. It's probably more for birthdays, tho. http://ship-of-fools.com/gadgets/witnessing/050.html

http://ship-of-fools.com/gadgets/index.html

[Cartoonist]

8. I want these

[AlbertCat]

10. I want these

Ooooooooo.....

Pope-y!

[Manifestor_of_Light]

38. I like the gift wrap.

Have a Satisfactory Non-Denominational Capitalist Wintertime Gift-Giving Season




http://shipoffools.com/zilchmas/12.html

I say this as a person who loves Christmas decorations, trees, food and all good things Christmasy and secular.

Oh, and having sung it many times before, singing The Hallelujah Chorus is a blast and a half. Although I believe it was written for Easter. And the text is all from Isaiah.

[progressoid]

9. Another heathen gave me one of these a couple years ago...

From the fine people at http://www.jesuskite.com/


It comes with these helpful instructions:

[Arugula Latte]

12. For the younger holy roller set -- Jesus figurines!

What kid wouldn't want one of these things on his/her shelf?







I don't know about you guys, but I wouldn't feel so comfortable trying to knock the ball out of My Lord & Savior's hand:


Note to consumers: Jesus apparently reserves his coaching time for little white kids only

[AlbertCat]

13. They left....

..... the "Jesus is my Stage Mother" off the ballerina one.

[Arugula Latte]

14. and the Coach Jesus Gave Me an Eating Disorder for the gymnastics one.

[Curmudgeoness]

17. Maybe Jesus only coaches the little white kids

because the big white parents are the only ones foolish enough to drop money on these.

[Arugula Latte]

33. That, and the fact that Jesus was born a European-looking white guy in the Middle East ...

just another one of His miracles.

[Arugula Latte]

15. Another one for the kids -- Ten Plagues of Egypt finger puppets!

[AlbertCat]

16. One for each finger! (or toe)

I love how the 1st born looks like he's sleeping, not murdered by god. Happy hot hail (in ear muffs.... because they're too stupid to know it must be hot for hail to form)! Happy locust! Happy lice!

What are "wilo animals"?

[Arugula Latte]

29. Maybe "wilo" animals are wiley like coyotes?

Yes, the first born looks very peaceful. He was killed by the loving sky god Yahweh, who, yes, drowned almost the entire population of the Earth, but he had a good reason to do so, 'cuz people had pissed him off and had gotten on his last nerve.

[mr blur]

18. And, of course, this RCC favourite:

Never gets old

[AtheistCrusader]

39. Hahaha what the fuck

[theHandpuppet]

19. You can't miss with chocolates

Who wouldn't want to munch on a communion boy on a stick or gnaw the chocolate face of Jesus?

http://chocolates.tripod.com/christian.html

[AlbertCat]

20. They're making things out of CHOCOLATE.....

..... and everybody is still white!


...except the praying hands.

[mr blur]

22. Authentic-coloured chocolate Jebus:

[Arugula Latte]

30. I think I saw that dude dancin' nekkid at Burning Man.

[RussBLib]

21. Testamints!!

Pass the Word!



but for the Christian slut on your list, you can't go wrong with the Baby Jesus Butt Plug

[mr blur]

23. When I was in Portugal I went, as any good atheist would,

to the top of this monstrosity:



where you will find a gift shop selling the most garish, tacky, cheap, tasteless and plastic-y Catholic junk you could ever imagine. Glow-in-the-dark Jesus alarm clocks! Light-up Sacred Hearts! Plastic Madonnas weeping red dye! Day-glo White Jesus prints! I wouldn't be surprised if they don't now feature paintings of Pope Awesome on black velvet.

One wanders around awe-struck, wondering, "Don't they realise how nasty all this stuff is?"

If you've ever felt that the RCC is just a scam to fleece the credulous, then this place will confirm it.

[theHandpuppet]

24. There's always some Jesus Warrior prints for those who prefer the artistic touch

http://www.art4god.com/html/?go=products

[AlbertCat]

25. YIKES!

"Broken Dolls"?????



Ooooo... and "Round 15" (15???) baby!

[Arugula Latte]

31. Sparring Jesus looks somewhat like Barry Gibb did in the 70s,

had Barry been much more buffed.

[Arugula Latte]

32. Hey, Jesus, grab my hose!

[BlueJazz]

26. I was thinking of something from WKRP (in Cincinnati) Forgive my memory

Saint John the Baptist Napkin Holders
Our Holy Mother of God Steak Knives
Jesus "Rises from the dead" Salt & Pepper shakers

[onager]

27. Don't forget the pets...

Aww look! The cat is PRAYING!1! At least that's what the Xian claims who sells these things.

But sane people know exactly what that cat is thinking: For putting me in this humiliating pose and embarrassing me on the whole Internet, tonight I will smother you in your sleep. Asshole.

[AlbertCat]

28. The cat is praying????

To whom? Bastet?

Frankly it looks more like the cat has just pounced on some varmint you brought in on the tree. IOW...preying, not praying.


Cats praying.... obviously something people who have ever owned a cat came up with.

[Arugula Latte]

37. I can haz speshul attenshun from teh omnipatint rooler of teh universz?

[AlbertCat]

34. The perfect gift for Poor Put Upon Christians!

We all know about the "War on Christmas" and that rabid misogynist atheist thugs are persecuting poor put upon Christians, who apparently cannot get their message out or have a place to worship.

Here's the perfect thing for your favorite Christian Martyr!

"The Christmas Crown".....A golden crown of thorns!



Honor the true meaning of Christmas by placing this golden crown on top of or as an ornament on your tree. Crafted from an actual plant grown in the Holy Land using a double-fold process. Includes Christmas poem and certificate of authenticity. 6"Dia.

http://www.whatonearthcatalog.com/cgi-bin/hazel.cgi?action=DETAIL&ITEM=CN7332

Wow.... an actual plant! And the "double-fold process"... or more commonly known as twisting one thing around the other.

It's "authentic"!

Put it on the tree????? Forget it! Wear it proudly to school, the city council meeting, or the court house.... anywhere Christianity has been banned!

Can't ya just feel the persecution????

[Cartoonist]

35. While visiting another site, I saw this link.

http://search.gymboree.com/clothes/family-pajamas?c3api=family%20christmas%20pajamas&creative=6759381963&device=c&matchtype=b

It was for Christmas pajamas. I don't mind wasting time, I might have found something humorous to add to this thread. The only thing that stuck out at me was that none of the PJ's had Jesus on them. None of them had any religious imagery at all. They didn't even have Santa on any of them. Penguins were represented. I guess the Christ in Christmas no longer means what it used to. Or the war on Christmas is over and Jesus lost.

[onager]

36. You could give your theist friends this DVD...

And they may never speak to you again...

[onager]

40. The Financial Freedom Bible!

This must be legit! Check out the endorsements:

Discover God's plan for your Supernatural Provision in the Morris Cerullo Financial Freedom Bible!

The Financial Freedom Bible is the result of Dr. Cerullo's more than 20 years of intensive Biblical research, study and prayer. It will be the best study Bible that you have ever owned.

Every word of this study Bible has been carefully written to lead you into a lifetime of supernatural financial miracles.

Buy Now - Only $59.95

The Financial Freedom Bible that Dr. Cerullo put together is a Bible I have gone through many times. It has been such a blessing to me. It is one of the most powerful Bibles I have ever seen or used. Not only do you get the complete history of God's plan for supernatural provision (as it is revealed to mankind from Genesis to Revelation), but you'll also enjoy financial-breakthrough commentaries, charts, illustrations and lay teachings on the Lord's provision and supply.” - Pastor Benny Hinn, Benny Hinn Ministries

The Financial Freedom Bible will help you discover God's way to financial freedom. I am happy to recommend this study Bible to anyone who wants to take control of their finances and reap God's blessings. I hope you will read The Financial Freedom Bible and draw inspiration from it.” Dr. Pat Robertson, Founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network

http://financialbible.tv/

[AlbertCat]

41. carefully written to lead you into a lifetime of supernatural financial miracles.

Step One: Create a Bible based study that promises something everyone wants.

Step Two: Sell it for $60 to the rubes clueless enough to buy the damn thing.

[RussBLib]

42. found another - Jesus Soap!!

not sure where to find it, though.

[onager]

43. Where's the consumer safety warning on that soap?

WARNING: If soap is dropped in Catholic school shower, do not bend over.

Well, somebody had to make that joke...

[olddots]

44. Milkstone makes a marvy gift

Yup white gravel that the blessed what ever her name was spilt breast milk on available at your holy gift shops...crush it up and it snorts easially too .