My ex husband (abusive narcissist) is dying.

[Grasswire2]

My older son (who took the brunt of the emotional abuse and has been disengaged from his dad for about ten years) does not know if he should go to the bedside half a continent away, or not.

I told him that there can be value in death bed forgiveness as a simple act of human mercy. His dad is not conscious and will not regain consciousness. I told him to do what's best for his own peace of mind. And do whatever will not leave any regret in his own heart.

Any thoughts? What is the best route for the survivor's peace?

[gopiscrap]

1. you answered perfectly!!!

[dawg day]

2. Does he have to do that in person?

Is there other family there to deal with the funeral and burial and all? He shouldn't get stuck with that.

Should there be an expectation of forgiveness? I don't know... maybe it will give him peace. But he doesn't have to be there to do that.

Some people are actually meant to die alone and unmourned. It's the naturally occurring consequence of being mean to others. Your son should not feel guilty if he decides not to go there. it's not HIS fault his father alienated his family.

[Croney]

4. I agree. Let him shed a tear for what might have been, and donate the airfare to a charity

in his father's name.

[Grasswire2]

5. yes, there are two other siblings -- one of them a minister, actually. And a third wife.

Those were NOT abused by the father/husband.

[lostnfound]

9. Being there for the sake of his siblings, if they love him, is worthwhile.

It will ease their grief.
If he did not have a relationship with them, then it’s a different story.

[duforsure]

3. I agree with your answer to your son

And I have daughters who'll be facing that same issue someday with their Dad. Thanks.

[agingdem]

6. forgiveness is overrated

unless your son can wipe the abuse from his memory then what's the point of forgiveness?...my childhood was a violent abusive one and I feel the pain a parent inflicts on child, be it physical, emotional, or both is, unforgivable..as far as I'm concerned granting forgiveness for the unforgivable is license to do it again...cynical I know, not very Christian, I know, but I'm Jewish and my G-d is not a forgiving G-d..

[JudyM]

14. Not a forgiving G-d?

You sure about that characterization?... consider teshuvah...

[agingdem]

16. consider the Holocaust...

man's inhumanity to man...and G-d supposedly created man in his/her image...my parents were Holocaust survivors...btw I'm a long time El Paso resident..sorry if I can't gush forth with G-d's benevolence and "forgiveness"...

[JudyM]

17. I get that.

Benevolence and forgiveness are 2 different (though related) things.

[dlk]

7. For His Own Healing, Your Son Should Say Goodbye to His Father, If He Can

If it's possible for your son to forgive his father, certainly not for his father's benefit, but for his own, he should make the effort. Releasing the pain of the past is the most important thing your son can do for his own healing, It never means that any cruel or hurtful thing his father said or did was ever okay for any reason. Forgiveness is about your son and his path forward. Letting go of the loss of a loving father that never was, although extremely difficult, is the surest way to his inner peace. He will never forget and he shouldn't. But when we hold on to our losses, they become toxic and harm us even further. You son deserves peace of mind. If there is a way for him to say goodbye to father and let go of the past, I hope he can. I wish both of you every good thing.

[left-of-center2012]

8. My father was not a part of my life

When I was growing up, my dad never interacted with me except to yell at me or put me down.
He was never a father,
offering fatherly advice or any 'normal relationship'.

He smoked, watched TV, and didn't want to be bothered.
As a child, a few times I found my mother crying and, when I asked her the reason, she'd show me a bruise
but gave no explanation.

When I would visit, my dad told me "I know you're not here to see me" and walk out of the room.
I went home to visit rarely, due to money and that we lived on opposite sides of the US.

He died of emphysema when I was 37. My brothers offered to 'loan' me airfare, knowing my economic situation at the time,
but I did not want to be indebted to them.
My mother told me she had been unable to attend her mother's funeral, and if I could not come for my dad's funeral, it would be OK.

I chose not to go.

However, I was overcome with grief at his passing and did a lot of crying the day I heard of his death,
maybe more for the lack of a relationship I wish we'd had.

[Grasswire2]

11. that's what this son is experiencing as loss...

....the loss of what could have been.

[littlemissmartypants]

10. Making the visit could trigger an emotional setback.

I personally, wouldn't make the trip for that reason.

Your words are perfect. It's a decision only the one "in the shoes" can make.

[Chalco]

12. I went to my mother's deathbed

About a week before I was called because she was near death, I called her and asked her why
she had been so abusive to me. She denied it, said she didn't remember.

Nevertheless, I got on a plane and flew to be with her in her last moments.

When I arrived, I sat next to her and held her hand. She opened her eyes and said, "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

I responded, "It's ok. I'm ok, I've got a wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. I'm ok now. There's nothing more you need to do. I just want you to be at peace."

That was the last thing she said. A couple of hours later she took a deep breath and passed over.

She was at peace and I was at peace.

[JudyM]

15. That was so kind of you, Chalco.

[orleans]

18. that was a pretty amazing experience

for both of you.

i'm glad you were able to have that.

[Chalco]

19. Thanks!

Yes, I surprised even myself.

[Golden Raisin]

13. I think your advice was excellent.

Each case/person is individual. Your son will have to work out his own survivor's peace, whether he goes or not. My emotionally abusive father died when I was 16 and I had to basically wait until I matured into an adult to start truly understanding the extent of the damage and try to heal. Wishing you and your son some relief and peace now and for the future.