Grief spasms.

[barbtries]

Last edited Sat Jan 28, 2023, 08:56 AM - Edit history (1)

Sometimes I need to cry. Sometimes I'm suddenly overcome and tears start pouring from my eyes, stinging them, stuffing up my nose, unexpected and not actually welcome. At these times I moan her name out loud, omigawd I miss you so much.

I was warned about this, more than 21 years ago. For all of these years, these inexpressibly painful feelings strike when they choose, without warning. In my mind it always sends me back to the first time I learned she'd been killed. Like there's someone standing at my shoulder saying, "Bekah's dead," and I can't believe it.

I can't believe it. Years beyond all those other phases, bargaining, acceptance, anger, guilt, whatever they are. The slow unraveling of a state of shock so profound it takes months and years to subside.

Brian Sicknick's mother precipitated this grief spasm. There are times when I truly wish I did not have to be a part of this sisterhood of bereaved mothers! But at the same time I wish I was next to her so I could hug her. In my opinion there is no getting around the fact that people who have not lost a child don't "get" the profundity of that loss. But the bereaved mothers, they get it. Sometimes almost all you have to cling to is knowing that there is somebody who understands you right now, when the people who know and love you best just do not have a clue.

Anyhow. After over 21 years I can still be left in a puddle. I will blow my nose, wash my face, and carry on as best I can. Hugs to all and any suffering from the loss of a most loved one.

[Duncanpup]

1. My heart hurts for you Barbtries.

[barbtries]

2. ditto Duncanpup.

[LiberalLoner]

3. I am so sorry for your loss and the grief that never ends.

You must have such a big heart, to hold so much grief.

Grief steps in to fill the space created by love that can no longer be expressed.

[barbtries]

4. I love that quote.

Grief is love with no where else to go.

[LiberalLoner]

6. ❤️🙏

[Atticus]

5. You are right---those who have not lost a child can't understand the profound grief and sadness

that most terrible of life events brings. I have not lost a child, but very very nearly did and just imagining what the impact might have been---at times fills my eyes.

So, no, I do not fully comprehend all of what I imagine has been your agony, but please accept my sincere sympathy for the loss of your beloved child.

[barbtries]

7. absolutely Atticus.

I remember early on, on a grief board or a writing board, a man responded to a post I made, telling me how he had come home to find his wife weeping at the kitchen table. He thought he heard her say, "Don died." Don was their son.

It was Donna - her best friend. He wrote, "for a terrible moment I stood at the threshold of the door you were forced to walk through."

never forgot that. The kindness, the understanding that they cannot know, these were so vital at the time.

[Bayard]

8. I'm sorry, Barbtries

As President Biden has said many times--There will come a day when you remember your passed loved one with smiles, instead of tears.

My parents lost their 3 oldest children before they passed away themselves. I remember their pain and regret. Its been many years, but I still grieve for my family.

[barbtries]

10. that is so, so sad.

i can't even imagine if I lost one of my sons. Bekah's death was all the tragedy we could bear, at least it feels like that. But the randomness of the nature means we can never know what comes next.

[Siwsan]

9. I was discussing this very issue with my therapist, last week

There have been so many deaths of significant people, in my life, over the past 8 years. Sometimes the memory of one person will trigger memories and fresh grief about another.

The first significant death I can remember is my brother's suicide, 40 some years ago, and that grief is as fresh, today, as it was the day I got the phone call.

I see grief as being an unhealed wound that can be easily torn open. Birthdays, anniversaries of deaths, even a random memory can start my tears. I spent one whole day crying when I found the body of my favorite little feral cat I had been feeding for 3 years.

Sadness and grief are physically and emotionally exhausting.

[barbtries]

12. I see Grief as kind of a being.

It moved in and over the past 21+ years I've been adjusting to its presence. It doesn't go away. The pain ebbs and flows. It's part of me and there's no changing that.

Therapy has been a lifeline for me both then and now. It sounds as if you have been living with a load of unresolved grief. I hope you find it as useful as I have.

[Wild blueberry]

11. Sending you a hug

[barbtries]

13. thank you Wild blueberry

it helps

[MLAA]

14. Sending you loving thoughts and hugs.

[barbtries]

15. Thank you MLAA!

once upon a time I spent an entire week crying. I'm happy to say that doesn't happen anymore. The times are less and pass more quickly. It's just the intensity of the pain that never changes.

[Butterflylady]

16. You are right

As I write this tears are falling as if it was just yesterday that I lost my first born son but in reality it was 14 yrs ago. I try to remember the happy times when I think of him every day, but then there are days that are impossible to fight back the tears. We are part of a club no one ever wants join.

[barbtries]

19. oh Butterflylady.

14 years could be 14 seconds at moments like this.

I am so sorry you lost your son!

[mgardener]

17. Hugs back

I also hate being a member of this club.

[barbtries]

20. i wish you weren't.

i wish it didn't exist.

[littlemissmartypants]

18. ❤️

[barbtries]

21. thank you littlemisssmartypants

I don't think i've ever mentioned i love your screen name. bet you were a pistol when you was liddle

[littlemissmartypants]

26. Thank You, barb! Yes, ma'am. That's what I was told anyway.

Stay encouraged. We love you. ❤️

[mizogan]

22. Breathe Deep

Embrace the strength of your grief, it reinforces your dedication to life.

[barbtries]

24. good advice.

I shall. thank you!

[MontanaMama]

23. Whenever you share what the loss of Bekah has been like for you

it takes my breath away, barbtries. I haven't lost a child. My losses have been my parents...at a young age. However, parents are supposed to die before their children...young or not, that's the order of things. I wish I could hug you, and Brian Sicnick's mother.

[barbtries]

25. thank you MontanaMama.

i lost my parents early as well - I was 13 when my father died and 25 when my mother died, exactly 12 years to the day after my dad. I can confirm that the grief as terrible as it was just did not approach that for a dead child.

I have a friend whose husband was murdered. Eight years later her son was murdered. She also said her son's death was so much harder to deal with. As Shakespeare noted, it's the unkindest cut of all (paraphrased). Like nature was turned upside down.

[CTyankee]

27. oh barbtries, you must miss her so much!

Your grief must be overwhelming and the crying and crying and crying just goes on.

I wrote about her. Her name was Daisy. She was named after her mother who died giving birth to her. She was too good for this earth! She didn't deserve to die! To this day I cannot shrug it off and say it happened a long time ago and she drank too much. I want her back.

[barbtries]

29. yes. I want her back.

take anything else but not my girl.

[CTyankee]

34. There is a good thing and Daisy would have loved it! I have a grandchild born and named Dante and

is now Daisy. She lives in Los Angeles and her mom (my youngest daughter) works in the movie industry. I am so happy that she is in a welcoming community of people. She is loved.

[barbtries]

36. the way I look at it,

Daisy does love it. me too

[CTyankee]

37. at her service her brother (my exhusband) said "Daisy always said I was the smart one in the family

because I went to Harvard."

My son whispered to him "Dad, it's not all about you."

The grieving group of people who loved her were ready to smack him. I would have been the first in line...

[barbtries]

38. lol

i wonder if that anecdote sheds light on why he's the "ex."

[CTyankee]

39. He was actually surprised when he was served divorce papers. He said that was "cold."

[barbtries]

40. well, you know, he's the smart one.

don't you want to be married to the smart one?

[CTyankee]

41. Yeah, well this "smart one" divorced his lying ass...his girl friend ended up paying for his kids

"child support" since I guess he couldn't work for "idiots."

I did not go to his memorial service. Guess what song she wanted played at that service?

"Time in a bottle."

[momta]

28. Sending love and strength, Barbtries.

I lost my mom to cancer when I was 16, and it was horrible. But it wasn't until years later after I had my own children that I understood the horror that her mother, my grandmother, suffered during her illness. My grandmother was with her when she finally succumbed, and had been by her side for months.

My grandmother was a very strong person, but that had to have been a gut punch for her. I was so involved with my own grief that I couldn't see what she was going through, but when I think about my own children it takes my breath away.

Wishing you peace.

[barbtries]

30. Thank you momta.

there's one person I, when not totally engrossed in my own grief, thought had it worse than me when Bekah died. It was her paternal grandmother. This woman had survived the Holocaust, losing many, many family members, and then made a life and a family. She had 3 sons. I truly believe that she saw Bekah as the daughter she never had and adored her unconditionally. She's since passed on herself but I fully expect that the remainder of her life was spent in the shadow of grief.

[SheltieLover]

31. I too have lost a beloved daughter.

[barbtries]

32. SheltieLover

I'm so sorry. I still struggle mightily with the why of it all.

[3catwoman3]

44. I don't think there is a why, at least not one that makes any sense.

I didn't know your daughter, yet I think of her every time I read one of your posts and see what I presume is her picture.

The only why that there is, I think, I saw expressed in a crude but spot on bumper sticker. A 2 word message - Shit Happens. It surely does.

I've not lost a child, but my parents did - my younger brother and only sibling. I was 26 and he was 23 when he died in a scuba diving adventure that did not end well. This happened 45 years ago, on February 12th, Lincoln's birthday. The comment somewhere above about 14 seconds and 14 years rings so true. Devastating losses like these can feel as if they happened a moment ago and forever ago, all at the same time.

Your statement about having reached the point where you have been without her as long as you were with her also resonated with me. My brother has been gone so long that it sometimes feels as if I imagined him.

I'm glad your sons have each other.

[barbtries]

45. I don't think there's a why.

I used to think that we got to find out after we died, but now I think we just stop being tormented by it.

the pain of siblings should never be discounted. My oldest son is going through a bad divorce right now and I said you need to do this even though it's the hardest thing you've ever done (get over her). And he immediately said it's not the hardest thing I've ever done, that was my sister being killed.

you just passed another anniversary and even when it's not a "big" one, for me anyway it always carries freight.

[sprinkleeninow]

46. I have read all posts. My heart aches for all that have suffered loss.

Soon it will be 4 years that my husband reposed suddenly and unexpectedly. It has gotten worse for me. I say 'the novelty has definitely worn off'.

How you expressed regarding your brother resonates with me. At times it feels as if I imagined my husband.

[markie]

33. really no words

but we do try sometimes... I am truly so sorry for your loss (I used to hate those words when people said that to me but I realize there are no good words)

Thank you for the words you write


In the past 4-5 years, I have lost my mother, my father, a son, (lesser degree- a business that was meant to help the community) another son in an accident with TBI.... my husband was the one who kept me together... he died a little over a year ago and I still haven't figured out how people manage great loss everyday

[barbtries]

35. markie,

you've had an avalanche! In grief counseling we were told that you can only grieve one person at a time. You are dealing with complicated grief. Reach out any time.

I have had this time. Tragedy has struck my family during the intervening years but so far we are all alive. It almost feels like a luxury even as I must say that the anniversary last 01Aug was the one I hated the most (the day I'd been without her for as long as I had her).

But for you and your cascading events, it must be so hard. I wish you all the best. Take care of you.

[Skittles]

42. my sympathy to you

I don't have kids but when I read Jamie Raskin's book, when he said he would give up ten years of his life for just one more minute with his son.....omg

[barbtries]

43. Thank you.

there is little I would not do to have Bekah back, alive.