Am I really not finding help

[gwheezie]

Or am I avoiding pain? I don't know. I really think I'm not finding help but I admit to the possibility I could be avoiding dealing with what I think is a kinda complicated set of feelings about the death of my husband.
The grief counseling I have available to me is through the hospice my husband was briefly connected to that is in the system where I work and the care he got was poor bordering on torture. Plus the office I'm supposed to go to is 65 miles one way from my home and they are not available after 4 pm which is more than difficult to get to.
When I called to ask if there was something closer to me she gave me a hotline number that turned out to be a contest to win a trip. My suspicion that this hospice is a joke had been confirmed. So I do have anger issues. But again I am considering that Iau be avoiding pain.
My other avenue was finding a support group but can't seem to find one local to me. There are pet bereavement groups closer. I almost think if I don't refer to tom as my husband and let people assume he was my cat, I might be able to unload some of this anger. But again I admit the anger may be an easier emotion to deal with than the crushing loss of someone I loved.

[DeadLetterOffice]

1. For what it's worth...

I don't know how long ago your husband's death was, or what your relationship was like, but anger is definitely a huge part of grief most of the time -- anger at them for dying, at yourself for not preventing it, at the health care system for it's failures, at friends and family for so totally not 'getting it.' But that doesn't mean that somehow your anger isn't justified, or is a way of not feeling other emotions too -- it's just one more piece in the long litany of grief.

I worked as a grief and trauma person for years, and have a ton of contacts -- I'd be willing to try to find you somewhere closer to you than the poor excuse for support you've been offered so far, if you're comfortable giving me a general geographic area.

Other ideas for help -- Are you employed? Your employers may have free or low cost services through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) - check with Human Resources. Is there a closer Hospice program than the one you got your husband's care from? Where I am at least, we offer bereavement to anybody, whether their family member died on our service or not. Or perhaps a local hospital or nursing home has a grief support group in your area? I can't say I recommend the pet support group, lol -- you're as likely as not to end up wanting to punch someone who's upset over their dog's death than finding any meaningful sense of being not-alone. Not that pet loss doesn't cause grief, but it's not the same thing as losing a spouse.

I hope this helps, at least a bit.
Blessings,
DLO

[Hoppy]

2. Maybe contact local clergy for a referral.

I am not religious and not trying to direct you to salvation but they certainly must know of resources. Also your community may have a municipal social worker for referrals.

[gwheezie]

3. Thank you for your response

I work for the hospital where my husband died and it's their hospice/bereavement services. The closest city to me is richmond va. When I called eap they referred me back to hospice. At this point I really don't think those services can help much because my contact with them has just made me madder. I think at this point I would do better with services outside where I work I don't trust them. I'm not planning on sueing anyone 2 doctors missed the cancer diagnosis within 2 months of my husbands death. But since it was probably too late anyway at that point the only thing that could have improved his life would have been effective pain management. But when I did talk to eap she was pretty defensive.
We were together 30 years. We held onto a big secret for all that time. He had a lot of misery over his secret and I never had the guts to tell him I knew until the day before he died and I don't know if he heard me.

[DeadLetterOffice]

4. Some possibilities

Are you n the VCU system? Or Bon Secours? if either, check out the other one for available services, they both seem loaded.

Here are some people/places I've heard good things about:

Widowed Grief Group
Elaine M.C. Nowinski
603 Holly Grove Lane, Richmond, Virginia 23235, 804-272-7787
[e-mail] – main email
Spring and Fall groups

Widows Support Group
Full Circle Grief Center
10611 Patterson Avenue, Building 201.
Facilitator: Ann Charlescraft
804.828.4661
[e-mail]

The Women's Counseling Center
6714 Patterson Avenue Suite 101
Richmond, Virginia 23226
[phone]
Most insurance and EAP programs are accepted.

[gwheezie]

5. Thank you so much

This is a big help

[orleans]

6. i'm so sorry for what you're going through

the only suggestions i can think of to add is maybe your town offers some sort of special mental health/bereavement services or they would be able to point you in the right direction.

also--years ago, when my dad passed away his church offered bereavement counseling for the families. my mom & i were not members of the church but i decided to try it anyway. there was no fee and i thought i really needed help. and it did help. it was a group session for a couple months once or twice a week (if i remember correctly). my mom didn't want anything to do with it or the church. she didn't go.

i really hope you are able to find what you need that will help you through this. when my mom passed away i desperately needed some help but due to a number of personal circumstances i have not gone for any counseling--and it's been a horribly rough five years. (pretty unimaginable, actually.)

[gwheezie]

7. I'm going to call my csb on monday

Community services board. They may know of services that are more local to me. Richmond is the closest city but it is over 50 miles from my home.

[DeadLetterOffice]

8. I hope one of them might be able to point you to someone closer

Local providers usually know a good deal about other local providers, especially in rural areas. I used to live in Louisa county, and Richmond felt like forever away -- and 50 miles is too far to drive after a grief counseling session if all you want to do is cry!

This sounds trite and stupid I'm sure, but some the most important things you can do to help your grief right now are self-care related -- try to get enough sleep/rest, make sure you're staying hydrated, eat when you can, take a walk every other day if you can manage it. Your biology gets all f'd up when you've lost someone you love, and it takes awhile for it to reset.

[gwheezie]

9. I called out sick for 3 days

I think I can go to work tonight. I didn't take time off when he died because I used up most of my pto. I was saving my bereavement days to have a little ceremony with family and it just so happened my dad wound up in the hospital and I spent my time trying to get him home before they killed him. You know how it goes. My dad is 88 was driving and going to a gym 3 days a week. He went into afib. They put him in the hospital. They wouldn't let him out if bed he's diabetic and vegan. They had his diet all wrong. By the time he left he couldn't walk and his sugar was out if control. I felt like I was cheated out if mourning with family support. Every once in a while I wanted to yell at my dad you're still alive for gods sake and my husbands dead.