The "Nice Guys", of OK Cupid and elsewhere, who like to whine about being "friendzoned"

[redqueen]

Last edited Tue Jan 22, 2013, 12:41 PM - Edit history (1)

It amazes me that there are still people who don't get this.

First of all, there is no such thing as a "friendzone". There is friendship. Anyone who is only interested in a sexual relationship should just accept it if the object of their affections is simply not into them. Engaging in some kind of ego-massaging mental gymnastics, such as inventing an entire "zone" so you can rationalize your rejection, is just self-serving nonsense. Move on, get over it, etc.

The "Nice Guys", with which I'm sure the overwhelming majority of women are so sadly familiar, are alarmingly fond of complaining about being relegated to said "friendzone", happily deluding themselves that the reason they keep being rejected is because they're "too nice"... LOL.

Now, just in case anyone might find it tempting to muddy the waters: No, "Nice Guys" are not actual nice guys. Women like nice guys. We love them. Girls, too. See, the clue which informs the reader of which type of person is referred to is quite easy to see. It is indicated by capitalization, by the use of "TM" after the erroneously self-applied label, by using italics, via the context of the discussion, etc. When women (and guys who get it) complain about and criticize these endlessly self-absorbed, clueless, sex-starved whiners, we are most definitely NOT talking about actual nice guys.

"Nice Guys" labor under the delusion that women are sex vending machines, into which they simply have to drop enough act-of-kindness tokens until eventually they get rewarded with sex. Actual nice guys see how misogynist and idiotic that kind of mentality is.

The "Nice Guy" phenomenon was so entertainingly explained, for the amusement of those who get it (and the possible, hopeful enlightenment of those who don't), on a now defunct tumblr called The Nice Guys of OK Cupid. Some of you may have read it. It was awesome. It was also constantly under attack. Cause, you know, picking on poor sexless lonely -and much more importantly, as it indicates the FAR more likely basis for their constant rejection- SEXIST, MISOGYNIST, and HOMOPHOBIC dudes is SO MUCH WORSE than all the revenge porn sites, all the creepshots type sites, etc etc etc etc etc unto infinity. Anyway...

So, in case you missed it, here are a couple of articles for your perusal. Enjoy.

http://jezebel.com/5969737/meet-the-so+called-nice-guys-of-okcupid

Thus one is good cause the woman who wrote it is all: Coddle! Enable!
http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/sympathy-for-the-nice-guys-of-okcupid/266929/

And then this guy Angel chimes in. Don't miss his comment!


I was going to include a few, but there are so many. Just Google 'nice guys of ok cupid' if you're interested in reading more.

[niyad]

1. k and r

[gollygee]

2. Does OK Cupid actually ask

"Do you think there are any circumstances where someone is obligated to have sex with you" or whatever it was? And do people actually say "yes?" My God. I hope all women run from that. Holy crap.

[redqueen]

3. Helpful in allowing the more patriarchally-minded people to find each other...

That obligation mentality is practically the foundation for the "Nice Guy" mindset. (i.e. 'I was nice to her... she's supposed to love me, or at least want to fuck me now!')

it also asks if users think men should be the heads of their households.

[seabeyond]

9. since boyhood, yes, still boys, they watch movies where the unattractive guy gets the HOT

girl/woman. it is a regular theme.

why would they think that they are entitled to the HOT babe/chick/b

[bettyellen]

7. one of he major dating sites ask if "No means no" and three out of four choices are yes. Scary shit.

[Kalidurga]

4. That one guy was funny...

I think women should shave their legs, cuz hygene.

[redqueen]

6. Ha, yes...

That one confused a great deal of people, cause it is reasonable to have as a preference.

The clue is in the word "obligation"... another clue for those looking for a patriarchy-approved relationship.

[Kalidurga]

8. Actually his attitude was the worst...

It wasn't just that he had a preference that his girlfriend shave. He seemed to think all women should shave. Well I am so sorry to disappoint. I am never going to shave my legs or anything else. pah, I got better things to do than be visually appealing to other people.

[seabeyond]

10. mmm hygene? then, thinking this thru, all men should be shaving those legs also. nt

[Kalidurga]

13. Yep

Plus hairy man legs are much worse on the eyes. I don't know why men think other people wanna look at that. But, they don't seem to be at all embarrassed by their Yeti looking legs.

[seabeyond]

14. meh... i really dont have issues, one way or another. nt

[Kalidurga]

15. Me either

just sayin, aesthetically men's hairy legs are worse than women's. Most women don't grow mats of hair on their legs, I have seen this on men though.

[seabeyond]

18. true that. nt

[redqueen]

16. You are mistaken. Many men are self conscious about being hairy.

The hair removal industry has lots of ads targeting them with assorted gadgets to remove it.

My man has wonderfully hairy legs, and I love em. Fucking love em. And lucky for me, he likes my hairy legs too.

[Kalidurga]

17. Oh wow

Yeah I have heard of some men shaving. I don't know what the percents are. It is probably a lot higher now as men are realizing that au natural isn't always appealing to the general public. That grooming is very important for things like looking for a job. Not that they would show off their legs in a job search, but socially if they play tennis or something.

I don't think anyone should shave though that is just me. But, I still think women look better unshaven then men do generally speaking.

[redqueen]

19. Ha yes, shaving one's chest isn't usually a job requirement...

but it seems to be hairy chests that I see most often targeted in those ads, which is so weird cause most women I know like hairy chests... go figure.

[Kalidurga]

20. I don't have a preference...nt

But, this issue really shouldn't be about preference so much. If a man or woman wants to shave not shave it should be totally up to them. A partner or potential partner needs to make peace with their decision and not press the issue.

[Helen Reddy]

21. Hah! n/t

[DetlefK]

5. One does not simply walk out of the friend-zone.

It's the same as a marathon: You don't run it, because you want to get where the finish-line is. We have bikes, cars and trains for that. It's about the journey itself.

[seabeyond]

11. i am clueless what your point is. nt

[DetlefK]

24. It's a section in the article.

The friend-zone phenomenon, as men see it, appears alongside a quid-pro-quo-attitude in men: If you are nice, you are entitled to sex.

My point was that there's no short-cut: If a woman is not interested in you, you cannot "trade" your way into a romance.
Drop your expectational attitude, be patient and treat her like a human being with feelings, not like a future opportunity for sex. (-> be a nice guy, this time for real)
Maybe it will work, most likely it won't, but at least you get away with a few nice moments and maybe you can grow the fuck up emotionally in the mean-time.

[seabeyond]

26. thank you for clarifying this for me. this i understand, lol

appreciate it.

[redqueen]

27. LOL, well said.

[seabeyond]

12. i had never heard of this "nice guy" thing in decades, lol. du taught me.

at first i actually thought nice guys really thought they were not wanted. i use to defend the nice guy so. of course women want nice guys. only kind of guy i allow in my life. every woman i know (i only know so many, more an isolationist) married nice guys.

until i was educated who the "nice guys" were and their expectation.

i wish i could remember the poster, but a man said on one of these threads. he is a nice guy and use to feel that way, until he started putting himself out there instead of being in background and sure enough, married a nice woman. lol.

my son at 16 tried the "girls dont want the nice guy". i had just read the mans post. it really was excellent explaining it all to me. so i told son, no way. dont buy into it. explained the nice guy problem and why the generally nice guys dont get the girl. they dont put themselves out there.

he started putting himself out there. and now he will tell anyone, the nice guy gets all the girls.

[redqueen]

22. Good thing he learned the truth.

It's sad how many guys turn to those PUA websites.

[seabeyond]

23. boys are told this constantly. it is so wrong. i am really fuckin tired of, woman only like the bad

boys. and we have women on du that say this garbage. they want the shit kicked out of them, or treated disrespectfully, that is there thing. not most of us.

[redqueen]

25. Yeah, the women that say it are confused.

Sure, a few women might actually prefer actual mean, selfish men. They likely have issues to work through.

Most women who come out with that talk are conflating 'exciting' or 'confident' with 'bad'.

[ismnotwasm]

29. What I find personally interesting

Given I have a bit of a rough past, is my version of a 'bad boy' would sent any sensible woman not familiar with the 'dark side' right out the door running. I've NEVER understood this crap about 'bad boys'

1) No, they are not 'better' in bed, if a person wants great sex, it takes great communication to start with.
I have a female friend who has been through and done some ugly things in her life. When she got her shit together, she married a wonderful, stable man who loves her unreservedly. He doesn't always understand but he always tries. Their relationship is healthy in all areas. She and I talk about the bad boy perception and kind of laugh.

2) Life with any mal-adjusted person is full of unnecessary drama and a good deal of hurt.

The idea that women in general 'like' this just pisses me off. It's bullshit. Since I work with mostly women, anecdotally I can say that women can't stand assholes. I agree with your assessment of exciting or confident rather than 'bad'

The 'nice guy' whining is so annoying. I've read a few articles and responses posted on this blog or that one this topic, and these 'nice guys' are NOT nice; they are typical sexually entitled males who didn't get what they wanted. Hey whiny nice guys; here is a secret--it's not any woman's job to make sure you're happy, or confident or loved. Or laid.

[redqueen]

31. "Or laid." Exactly.

Cause people love their friends. It's not love these "Nice Guys" are after.

[MadrasT]

28. I have actually had men tell me straight up that I "owed them" sex.

"After all I've done for you, it's the least you could do."

[redqueen]

30. Yep. Many men shamelessly admit that they see all women as prostitutes.

It's sickening how intense this latest backlash against women's liberation is.

[Tien1985]

32. I know a guy from college

who moans about being a nice guy. I've know him for at least 8 years now. Same old song. I swear my eyes start crossing everytime he starts now. For a while I tried to explain the error here. I've given up. According to him, I, being "gay" (bi actually) just don't "get women". *facepalm*

[MadrasT]

33. Ha. I get that one too.

I am female-bodied but identify as non-gendered... therefore I am told since I am not a "normal woman" or a "real woman" (never mind that whole grew-up-in-a-female-body-being-treated-as-a-female thing), I don't understand women, and whatever I say can't possibly be true of "regular women".