A Letter to My Children About Fifty Shades of Grey

[Tuesday Afternoon]

http://www.bonbonbreak.com/letter-children-fifty-shades-grey/

...snip...

I am writing this so that when that day comes, you’ll recognise Fifty Shades of Grey for what it is, rather than what it pretends to be.

Let me begin by telling you what Fifty Shades of Grey is not.

It is not a love story.

It does a pretty convincing job of masquerading as one, for sure, but please believe me when I say that love doesn’t even have a cameo role in this plot.

It is also not a romantic fairy tale with a harmless bit of naughtiness sprinkled on top.

Romance is glaringly absent, in fact. As for harmless S&M, please understand that this screenplay’s message is the polar opposite of harmless. In this ‘harmless’ piece of fluff movie, a rich, handsome, experienced man uses his power to seduce and manipulate a young, innocent student into doing a lot of things she is extremely uncomfortable doing.

They are not equals. They are not partners. There is, in fact, no ‘they’ to speak of at all.

Rather, it’s a movie about a narcissistic man’s controlling and violent sexual desires and his sense of entitlement to use and abuse a vulnerable young woman’s body and mind as tools for his own gratification. It’s all about his needs, coupled with the arrogant expectation that she should comply, regardless of her discomfort, to please him.

... snip ...

If someone wants to be with you, turning up at your part-time job unannounced when you haven’t ever even discussed that you have one and acting possessive when a co-worker talks to you is not romantic. It’s creepy.

If you say you’re a virgin and he responds by violently deflowering you, that’s not love. That’s assault.

If he tracks your whereabouts when you’re out clubbing and takes you to his hotel when you’re too drunk to make a rational decision, then undresses you and puts you in his bed for the night, that’s not protective. It’s stalking. In fact, stalking is the least of what it is.

If he turns up inside your apartment uninvited, it’s not romantic. It’s breaking and entering.

If you tell him you’re not interested and you ask him to leave and he responds by tying you to your bed and having violent sex with you after you repeatedly say “no,” all the while threatening to do worse if you make a noise, it’s not passion. It’s rape.

If he sells your car and buys you a new one without your permission “to surprise you,” it’s not romantic. It’s theft and manipulation.

If he monitors your phone calls and threatens you with physical harm because another man calls you, he’s not in love with you. He’s abusing and controlling you.

If beating you with a leather strap until you cry is what gives him pleasure and he asks you to do it despite your distress because it turns him on and then plays the victim to explain it all away, there is no soundtrack in the world that should quiet the voice in your head that yells out that love and romance were never in the picture and they never will be.

... snip ...

[RandySF]

1. "If he turns up inside your apartment uninvited, it’s not romantic. It’s breaking and entering."

Hey now. What does George P. Bush have to do with this???

[Tuesday Afternoon]

2. ... lol ...

but, seriously ...

[Kalidurga]

3. Even worse than I thought.

Now I am thinking this crap was badly written just to cover up how disgusting it really is.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

4. pretty much, yeah.

[sheshe2]

5. Did not read it, will not watch it.

They are not equals. They are not partners. There is, in fact, no ‘they’ to speak of at all.

Rather, it’s a movie about a narcissistic man’s controlling and violent sexual desires and his sense of entitlement to use and abuse a vulnerable young woman’s body and mind as tools for his own gratification. It’s all about his needs, coupled with the arrogant expectation that she should comply, regardless of her discomfort, to please him.

I sat in the theatre and looked around me at hundreds of women, buying into this so-called ‘sexy love story’ and I felt sick. If an entire theatre of women three times your age couldn’t see how damaging this plot line is, how on earth are teenage girls and boys supposed to?

Please, my daughters, don’t allow this romanticizing of sexual domestic abuse fool you into believing that you should ever allow yourself to be treated like Anastasia Steele. Please, my son, don’t watch this one day and believe that it’s ever okay to intimidate, manipulate or disrespect a woman like the ‘hero,’ Christian Grey. Nobody, male or female, wants or deserves to be disrespected, manipulated or violated against his or her wishes.

Thanks for posting Tuesday. I have seen enough disrespect for women in my life. I sure as hell don't need to see this.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

6. yw, sheshe2 and thanks for expanding on the OP.

especially the bolder portions.

It is one thing for jaded, sophisticated, cosmopolitan Adults to watch this film.

Entirely different when viewed through the eyes of younger people who are still learning boundaries and when/where/how to draw a line on your own autonomy.

[sheshe2]

7. For the young ones...

it is tantamount for permission to proceed with no boundaries.

[eridani]

8. So, if this is supposed to be BDSM, where the hell are the safe words? n/t

[murielm99]

9. As I understand it,

the BDSM practitioners are not happy with the movie, either.

[eridani]

12. Sure gives a lot of scope for bullies to say "Trust me--this really is BDSM" n/t

[TeamPooka]

11. SPOILER WARNING!!! I have not seen the film but will reveal the ending here in order to address the.

statement.
I read an article online.
An interview with the director

Apparently, the ending of the film is the girl using her safe word for the first time after it goes too far for her.

At least it was supposed to be the safe word but the author, who is a producer, and the studio wanted it to be the word stop not the safe word of red apparently and the author won. The director was not happy but she has a great deal and a lot of power in the process.
That's all I know.
I read the short article because I like Hollywood power struggles.

[eridani]

13. "Stop" is part of a scene, not an effing safe word! That's horrible! n/t

[Hekate]

10. Everything I have read about the book and movie tell me I don't want to be anywhere near it.

Thanks for your post.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

18. yw

[zentrum]

14. Haven't read….

….or seen it but this description gives me everything about it I need to know.

Thanks.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

19. yw

[Skittles]

15. I am convinced the women who bought that crap book and will pay to see this movie

are the same ones who get their self-esteem from their purses and shoes

[Tuesday Afternoon]

17. A clique of women from work read it, at the same time, when it first came out and Yes

Last edited Mon Feb 16, 2015, 03:53 PM - Edit history (1)

they were all pretty much shallow, stupid, vapid, vain women.

I tried to get along with these co-workers and so, I picked up the first book and tried to read it, just so I would have something in common with these women. I tried. Really, I did. But, the writing is so dismally horrible and these characters are so one dimensional that I just did not care to turn the page.

I did not make it past the third chapter, much less the third book.

[Skittles]

24. I only heard the dialogue on comedy shows

I could not believe it was from a real book that was actually POPULAR. Gawd.

[Lifelong Protester]

16. Thanks for the 'crap' update

You have confirmed my worst fears of this book and film (neither of which I want anything to do with)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

20. yw

[ismnotwasm]

21. My youngest daughter went to see it

She thought it was hilariously stupid. This is the young women who sat in a strip club to check it out and said "I didn't realize they were so dirty" I never asked her which sense of the word she meant, but it grossed her out.

She's also the kid that made me watch "Twilight" and spent about a half an hour apologizing because the movie was so bad--she could see the pain in my face.

I love that girl.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

22. I fell asleep at Twilight ....

best nap ever

I love thinking that your daughter was in a Strip Club checking out the floors

[ismnotwasm]

23. That's my girl

[CrispyQ]

28. A boyfriend took me to a strip club when I was in my early 20s.

He thought I should give up my good paying union job to strip. "You'll make more in a night here, than you do in a week." Yeah right, they have such great benefits & working conditions. Anyway, it was filthy. I ordered a beer instead of a cocktail, cuz I didn't want a glass.

Maybe not all strip joints are dirty, but I've watched enough "Restaurant Impossible" & "Bar Rescue" to believe dirty is the norm, not the exception.

You've got a great daughter!

[CrispyQ]

25. A friend is defending it on FB.

Since I haven't read/seen it, I haven't commented.

Thanks for this. I think I'll send it her way.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

26. Hey CrispyQ,

you might want to also, send her the other letter I posted, from a Psychiatrist. It did not get the recs this one got but, I think it is every bit as informative if not as passionate as this one.

[CrispyQ]

32. Thanks, Tuesday.

I'll check it out.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

36. link here =

http://www.democraticunderground.com/125554856

[MisterP]

27. it's accurately described as "what if Ariel Castro were young and pretty"

[Tuesday Afternoon]

29. I remember that case =

Three women were rescued Monday afternoon from a home in Cleveland. Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight all went missing roughly 10 years ago, when Berry was 16, DeJesus 14 and Knight was 20. All three are alive, talking, and apparently in good health, according to police.

The three were rescued by a neighbor, Charles Ramsey.

“I heard screaming… And I see this girl going nuts trying to get outside,” Ramsey said. “I go on the porch and she said ‘Help me get out. I’ve been here a long time.’ I figure it was domestic violence dispute."

“She comes out with a little girl and says ‘Call 911, my name is Amanda Berry’… When she told me, it didn’t register."

more at link:
http://gawker.com/3-women-missing-for-10-years-rescued-from-cleveland-hom-493221621

[Skittles]

38. add RICH

[nomorenomore08]

63. In a nutshell, that's exactly it.

[Pooka Fey]

30. Um, I need to add about 10,000 recs to this OP.

[immoderate]

31. Eew!

Not being "hip" I had only seen the title. Now I know why to stay away.

--imm

[Tuesday Afternoon]

34. I will probably watch it on DVD ... I doubt I can watch it all the way through. I tried to read

the first book and could not make it past the third chapter.

Curiosity usually gets the better of me, in this type of thing.

I *just* have to know what is all the hooplah.

[Veruca Salt]

33. This was originally a twilight fanfiction

What is referred to in fandom circles as smut fic and PWP (plot what plot). The author changed about 20% of the fic so it no longer could be called plagiarism and published it.

There is literally no deeper meaning behind this. It is a smutty take on the twilight characters getting it on full stop. And like much fanfiction the content is highly dubious.

I'm honestly surprised it has the following it does, it's complete crap and when viewed outside the fanfiction lens sets women back 50 years.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

35. I knew that going in and tried to keep an open mind even though Twilight bored me to sleep.

[ismnotwasm]

37. Yeah

I just took out the good old "Story of O" and reread that. It's still bad, but light years above shades.

Thing is I like erotic literature/stories. I just don't like crap,how this became a phenomenon escapes me, from the excerpts I've read.

I'm putting it down to women who are having bad sex and don't know how to say "I like it this way"--guys get so much shit info from porn I think we're a nation of sexual miscommunication on the hetero side anyway.

[cui bono]

43. I think it's more dangerous than just bad sex.

Young women with low self-esteem, young men with no respect towards women. It really seems like it's gotten worse with the spring breaks and internet, I feel like young men have less respect towards women these days than when I was in my twenties.

[Hissyspit]

40. Also it is embarrassingly and horribly written.

It is pure fantasy.

[Hissyspit]

39. A More Enjoyable Overview (Funny):

http://time.com/3030375/dave-barry-50-shades-of-grey/

- snip -

OK, here’s one tiny sample of the writing style:

“Did you give him our address?”
“No, but stalking is one of his specialties,” I muse matter-of-factly.
Kate’s brow knits further.

That’s right: This is the kind of a book where, instead of saying things, characters muse them, and they are somehow able to muse them matter-of-factly. And these matter-of-fact musings cause other characters’ brows—which of course were already knitted—to knit still further. The book is over five hundred pages long and the whole thing is written like that. If Jane Austen (another bestselling female British author) came back to life and read this book, she would kill herself.

- snip -

That’s right: Her inner goddess, in addition to dancing, cheerleading, pole vaulting, etc., apparently keeps furniture inside Anastasia’s head. Unfortunately, this means there is little room left for Anastasia’s brain, which, to judge from her thought process, is about the size of a walnut. On the other hand, Anastasia is physically very attractive, although she never seems to figure this out despite the fact that all the other characters keep telling her, over and over, how darned attractive she is.

REST AT LINK

[ismnotwasm]

41. Bwahahahaha!!!

This

nastasia decides to let Christian flog her, to see what it would be like. So he takes a belt and flogs her on the butt. Then, in the dramatic climax to the story, the moment we have been building up to, Anastasia comes to a shocking, life-changing realization, which nobody could have foreseen in a million years: Getting flogged on the butt hurts. Yes! It’s painful! Anastasia does not like it! Double crap!!

So she breaks up with him.

And then . . .

And then the book is over.

I’m serious. That’s the plot.

That's why there's two more books I guess

On edit. Here's a hilarious blog from an actual SMBD practitioner who critiques the book chapter by chapter

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/p/fifty-shades-of-grey-index.html

[Binkie The Clown]

42. Presented wihtout comment: The rest of the story (spoiler alert)

By the end of book three of the trilogy:

Ana's love has transformed Christian and cured him of all his hangups and his need for dominant sex. She has turned him into the perfect husband and father (yes, they are happily married one child and another on the way and living in the country estate they bought and remodeled together.)

The college roommate is happily married with children to Christian's brother. The brother of the roommate is dating Christian's sister. And if that's not enough mushy stuff, Christian's long time butler and long time housekeeper are also married with children and also living happily ever after.

In other words, a formulaic Harlequin romance with the perfect happy ending for everyone, but one where the flaw in the man that the woman must fix is his obsession with BSDM, and his secretive ways. And, like any typical romance novel, she does fix him, and repair all his flaws where his psychiatrist was not able to help. He ends loving, compassionate, a good listener, an equal partner in a give-and-take relationship. In other words, a romantic fantasy come true.

The quality of writing is poor, but no worse than the typical romance novel. The whole BSDM angle is just a gimmick to boost sales. It worked.

[ismnotwasm]

47. Yeah I heard about that

The "saved by the love of a good woman" trope. Blech.

[ConservativeDemocrat]

44. And it was written by a woman for women

It comprises a very prevalent type of female fantasy, which I don't understand, but we must all acknowledge as legitimate.

It has nothing to do with "patriarchy". It has to do craving for a certain type of sexual power dynamic.

And it's not your thing. Or mine, for that matter.

But to each their own. No skin off your nose. -- which is, by the way, what I say to people who are disgusted at the thought of gay sex.

- C.D. Proud Member of the Reality Based Community

[ismnotwasm]

48. And what makes you think sexuality is not influenced by patriarchy?

Best revisit a bit of historic and gendered sexuality

[ConservativeDemocrat]

49. It's not up to me to prove the negative

What makes you think homosexuality is not influenced/caused-by feminism? Or patriarchy? Or whatever?
See how absurd that question sounds?

And even if I accepted the absurd belief that what turns someone on can be taught (next thing you'll be telling me you believe in gay conversion therapy), that doesn't make their preferences illegitimate.

What turns these women on, and what they choose to do in their bedrooms, is 1) no skin off your nose, and 2) none of your f--king business.

Try not to be a Dana Carvey-esque "church lady".

- C.D. Proud Member of the Reality Based Community

[Sheldon Cooper]

50. How about this? Don't come into a feminist group and tell us not to be 'church ladies'

when we're discussing issues from a feminist perspective. Think you can manage that?

[seabeyond]

52. i came in to say the exact same, so agreeing what you say, i will approach it another way.

[seabeyond]

53. someone disagrees with your post, and your answer is to call someone names?

you church lady comment was merely sniping at the poster and had absolutely no relevance to what she said. shameful. as sheldon said, if you cannot be civil in this group then do not post in this group.

[ismnotwasm]

54. What the fuck are you talking about?

Are you seriously comparing homosexuality to a 50SOG fantasy? That's fucked up. Not reality based at all.

You indicated that fantasy arose from a vacuum. I responded for you to do some reality-based exploration of sexual history.

And I'll fucking discuss what I fucking want to in a group designed for such topics, using reality based discussion and debate.

And who the fuck is this church lady-a made up character? Not very reality-based.

All the reality-based skin remains on my nose. Who even says that anymore?

[ismnotwasm]

57. You make no sense whatsoever

I'm not, nor do I want to be a feminist recruiter. No one was criticizing fantasies, Mr. Reality.

Your reality-based approach has completely ignored the OP, most of the comments, and apparently you've decided what women's fantasies are based on one book. Seriously, You are your own worst enemy, since I'm assuming you want to make sense

But, carry on I guess

[seabeyond]

58. from the beginning of its conception, feminists has always been a small percentage.

you want to sound smart, then educate yourself in facts and history.

it will continue to be only a small percentage that actively call themselves feminists. i bet the number is higher than ever before since its conception.

[JTFrog]

59. Simple. You barged in, disregarded this group's purpose, started name calling and attacking

and have been disrespectful and boorish.

I vote for you to be blocked from further disrupting this group. Hopefully the group hosts will come along and recognize your insensitivity and inappropriateness and make it so.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

60. +1

[ismnotwasm]

61. Just another one Tuesday

With no point at all.

[Dark n Stormy Knight]

67. The patriarchy has been such a powerful and influential force over a long period of time that we can

safely assume that it has has significant influence on just about everything, but particularly things related to male-female relationships and sexuality in general.

You want to talk absurdity? Denying that one's sexual preferences, including kinks, within one's sexual orientation can be taught is one of the most absurd things I've ever heard. Not in the least reality-based.

Most things are learned and what is learned is overwhelmingly influenced by the society in which one lives. And most things about the society in which we live have come down to us though the system of patriarchy. That's the reality.

Questioning whether what we've been taught to enjoy is ultimately positive for us as women and for humanity in general, is not a "Church Lady" thing.

And here is an extremely insightful article that addresses that in relation to 50 Shades.

The real reasons for the popularity of Fifty Shades, and for the persistent role of domination and submission in women’s sexual imaginations, are rooted in what it actually means to live life in a female body—and the truth about that is so dark it makes Christian Grey’s Red Room of Pain seem as innocuous as a backyard sandbox.

So when people pontificate about women’s intrinsic sexual nature, I find myself thinking: How do you know? How can we ourselves even know? From earliest childhood, women’s experience of sex is so inextricably intertwined with all forms of male control that submission is forever eroticized in more ways than we can possibly unravel. As females, we have been dominated physically, politically, socially, legally, and economically, and pop culture endlessly reinforces the message. Hip-hop derides bitches and ho’s, an entire genre of blockbuster videogames depicts female characters as sexualized corpses or disposable prostitutes, fashion sells bondage dresses with leather cages, and Hollywood recycles domination themes from 9 1?2 Weeks to Secretary to Venus in Fur. Sex is fused with violence for countless women who suffer domestic abuse by husbands and lovers. More than a third of all female homicide victims are killed by intimate partners.

Given those realities, who can say what we would be like in a world where our sexual desires, and the way we express them, were freely chosen instead of imposed on us by a lifetime of social conditioning? Fifty Shades of Grey may represent the ultimate appropriation for capitalist consumption of themes that have resonated throughout history, but one thing its popularity can’t tell us is the truth about female sexuality.

Such a great article I think it needs its own OP. I'll try to get to that.

[LeftOfWest]

70. So this is some of what you are 'CONservative' about

Women. Got it.

Feminists. Got it.

I will keep asking you what EXACTLY you are conservative about, these posts tell alot.

Feminists are a CONcern to you. That is your CONservative reality.

Disgusting.

[Fred Sanders]

45. Guns and debauchery are the leading products of Hollywood. The leading box office takes of late proves it.

[Thespian2]

46. little wonder

that people like me do not watch modern movies.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

51. This is just reinforcing abusive relationships.

And women think if I love him enough, he'll change. I've been there, done that, and gotten the divorce, because NOBODY TOLD ME TO STAND UP TO ABUSIVE MEN.

BDSM is supposed to be consensual, not about the man power-tripping the woman and controlling her. "Safe, Sane and Consensual" is what the BDSM community keeps repeating. And these people are reinforcing abuse and calling it BDSM.

[3catwoman3]

55. Haven't read the book.

Won't be watching the movie. The analysis in the letter from that mom covered some very important points, especially the possessiveness and controlling behaviors.

During my freshman and sophomore years of college, I dated a very possessive young man who wanted to control every aspect of my life. He was actually my high school boyfriend, and I made the mistake of deciding to go to the same college he picked. The possessiveness did not manifest itself until we were away from home. He wasn't physically abusive, but he always thought he knew best, was dismissive of my thoughts and ideas, and always couched his decisions in terms of being concerned for me. He wanted us to get secretly married. Fortunately, I finally wised up and got the hell out, and transferred to another school for my remaining 2 years.

He married one of my roommates, and they divorced a few years later. I often wondered if he treated her the same way, and if that is what lead to the divorce.

[eridani]

62. 6 real quotes from 'Fifty Shades' that could make you rethink how you feel about it

http://www.upworthy.com/6-real-quotes-from-fifty-shades-that-could-make-you-rethink-how-you-feel-about-it?c=upw1

Someone said to me, "But Angie, don't you see? In the end, Anastasia liberates him from this and brings him to true love. She is the hero."

RIGHT. In this fictional fantasy book.

The most surprising thing about abuse victims is that they rarely see themselves that way at first. They often see themselves as strong people trying to rescue a volatile but salvageable partner. It's when abuse victims start to let go of the fairy tale that they alone MUST stay so they can "fix" this person that they can finally start to rebuild their lives and find a love that fortifies them.

If you think people should think about the other side of this popular book and movie, please consider sharing. And see the links below for more information on the themes in this book.

[nomorenomore08]

65. Good article. Very straightforward and a quick read.

[nomorenomore08]

64. I agree with basically all the criticisms leveled at this ridiculous, horribly written book/movie.

Last edited Sat Feb 21, 2015, 11:25 PM - Edit history (1)

The only thing that (slightly) troubles me about the article, is that it presupposes the inability to distinguish fantasy from reality. If people really take serious life/love advice from Hollywood movies, then I have to say the human race is even more hopeless than I thought.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

66. if you notice, the letter(article) is addressed to children/preteens/teens.

I assume Adults know and understand what it is they are watching. Their opinions have already been fully formed.

This is directed to those who are still forming what boundaries they will establish.

[nomorenomore08]

68. Very true. I just see the mere existence of the "50 Shades" phenomenon as a very sad commentary

on human intelligence (or lack thereof).

[Tuesday Afternoon]

69. True.

How low can we go.