I Am the ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ the Men in Your Life Talk About, And I Have a Few Things to Say…

[Exhibit A]

I Am the ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ the Men in Your Life Talk About, And I Have a Few Things to Say…

https://thatpeskyfeminist.wordpress.com/2015/02/18/i-am-the-crazy-ex-girlfriend-the-men-in-your-life-talk-about-and-i-have-a-few-things-to-say/

. . . I used to lap it up when my partners would regale me with stories about how awful their exes were. Of course, I came out of those tales full of sympathy and respect, as well as a burgeoning sense of pride that I wasn’t like those other girls. I was nice, normal, sane; I’d never hurt him like they did.

Well, that’s all fine until you realise that upsetting a lot of men often doesn’t even involve intention. Suddenly it was apparent that just being upset at things he had done that had hurt me was enough to anger him. Suddenly crying was infuriating, discomfort was unacceptable, and don’t you dare say no during sex. And it turns out that when your mental health deteriorates rapidly from the poor treatment and you’re rendered suspicious, anxious and unable to trust, well, that’s the scrapheap for you.

Thus went my descent into crazy ex girlfriend territory. I have little doubt that the men I have dated describe me to others as such; hell, they described me as such while we were dating, as well as their exes. I let them, because I was desperate to prove to them that they were wrong. The lines clearly blurred too much between me being the Normal Sane Girl and the Psycho Bitch and eventually it became impossible for them to do anything but chuck me. And that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to end a relationship for any reason they like. But let’s get a few things straight, shall we?

<snip>

Of course, you should be questioning any person who uses mental health slurs like ‘psycho’ and ‘crazy’ anyway (please), but I find there is something borderline abusive about its application in relationships especially in an existing unequal power dynamic like that between men and women. It is used as a tool to stem dissent in criticism in relationships, as well as harm potentially vulnerable individuals. Let’s cut it out.

[KitSileya]

1. A good piece of advice, if he describes all his exes as awful, crazy, and other negatives,

remember that
1. the only thing these women have in common is that they were his girlfriends, and the problem is much more likely that they managed to get away from his crazy self, and

2. that's how he will describe you after you guys break up. You're not going to be one magical exception for long. It is a typical, border-line abusive tactic for a guy to claim that you are the only one who understands him, the only one he's willing to try a relationship with, you are the only one that isn't crazy.

[Exhibit A]

2. Absolutely. n/t

[wryter2000]

6. Bingo

I met my husband while he was going through a divorce. He complained and complained about his ex, which is pretty normal for men and women during a divorce. Nevertheless, I told him I wasn't interested in hearing about that because it only told me he'd say the same about me if we ever broke up.

He quit doing it, except for an occasional gripe. We were married for 25 years, more or less happily, until he died.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

3. I am so glad that DU3 has the Transparent Rec Feature. It is good to see that some people are

actually starting to learn something.

Thank you for posting this.

[niyad]

4. my first question, when I have heard a story about the crazy ex-wife, girlfriend, whatever,

is, "what does it say about you that you chose this person in the first place?" that usually ends the discussion.

welcome to du.

[ismnotwasm]

5. Yup a red flag for sure

It's actually one ofthe questions I'll ask my single, dating friends--how do they talk about their former relationships?

[Rozlee]

7. Terrible when I see single young female relatives trying to navigate the relationship landmines.

I wish I could give them the gift of 20/20 hindsight. The ability to see beyond the glitter to know if its really gold and to see real gold when it's buried deep. Too many men talk the talk and too women don't stop to see beyond the words. Real men don't malign old girlfriends or ex-wives. They accept responsibility for relationship failures and have the gift of insight to learn from them to not repeat old patterns. That goes both ways. Because those men that complain about their crazy ex-girlfriends have been hurt as well. They're lashing out in the only way they know how. With bitterness and acrimony. It'll result in a vicious cycle for them as well.

[jeff47]

10. Yep, and not just the female

I made a bunch of dumb decisions that resulted in my first marriage. Looking back, there's a hell of a lot of "what was I thinking?"

I'm hoping I can help my kids avoid similar landmines, but worry that they won't "get it" until it's hindsight.

[JustAnotherGen]

16. One of the things that endeared me to my husband?

How highly he spoke of his ex girlfriends. Even the one he walked in on in his bed with someone else - he said - people make mistakes but I couldn't forgive that one.

How a man talks about his ex'es says a lot about his character.

[freshwest]

17. Found that to be true.

[mopinko]

8. yup yup yup

anybody out there interested in my ex, take note.

i usually presume that someone like that is the cause of the crazy.
and yes, crazy is an insult that is about power. talk back? you must be crazy.

[crim son]

9. My ex-fiancee

had been married three times when I met him, and every one of his wives was a liar, a manipulator, a cheater and a crappy parent. I should have clued in the night of our first date when he told me about them all. His ex girlfriends, too, were terrible people and always out to deceive him. He was so sweet and sad when he told me about all the abuse he'd suffered.

Fast forward three years and I can't believe how deliberately I ignored all those red flags. I feel sorry for the next woman who will fall for his beautiful smile and brown eyes as they fill with tears when he describes how crim son failed him on every level and in the end, he felt lucky to escape her clutches with his sanity intact. SMH.

[NewJeffCT]

13. wow

glad you were not one of now four ex-wives.

[crim son]

15. I might be if I hadn't discovered he cheated. n/t

[vlyons]

10. If he can't let go of old grudges

and obsesses over how "she done him wrong," then he is incapable of forgiveness. We are all of us damaged goods, disappointed in relationships of love, family, and friends. We have all of us failed people, who loved and trusted us. No one is perfect. Forgiveness is liberating. It's opens the space to something/someone new. If he continually gripes about exes, then his mind is immature, and his heart blocked. If he can't forgive his exes, then he can't forgive you, when you mess us. And mess up, we will, because we are all of us imperfect human beings. We are sometimes are irrational, make bad choices, get depressed and anxious. If you find a guy, who can forgive and who can quickly drop grudges, and laugh at silly mistakes, he's a gem.

[NewJeffCT]

12. I've never considered an ex crazy

other than maybe crazy for dating or marrying me...

The thing is, though, when I was going through my divorce and after it was finalized, the women I dated expected me to say bad things about my ex-wife. If I didn't, which was most of the time, I was accused of still being hung up on her. (And, if you tell me I should have kept quiet about being divorced - I met a terrific woman right after my divorce and did not tell her right away that I had just been divorced. However, she got upset when I told her a few dates later, and that was basically it for the relationship. So, I told myself I would always be up front about it after that.)

Heck, when my ex-wife first filed for divorce, she asked me if I was going to counter-sue her for mental abuse (i.e., the thing crazy exes are supposed to be famous for...). My ex was an otherwise intelligent, strong-willed, confident, progressive woman - but, also felt she was that (soon to be) crazy ex herself in that situation. But, I was not going to counter-sue her or accuse her of mental abuse or anything like that.

So, it's not just something that guys do, it's something women also sometimes expect in those situations. I think this situation is so common after breakups that both men & women need to work on not denigrating an ex wife, girlfriend, husband or boyfriend. (If there was actual physical or mental abuse, adultery, etc, then that's another story.)

[safeinOhio]

14. I think it was Ann Landers that said

"There are 3 sides to every story, his, hers and then the truth."

My last wife could not stand it that I was still friends with an ex wife and an ex girl friend. I was kind of proud of the fact.