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Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:15 PM

Three months later, and it all caves in on me.

There aren't any support groups yet for people who have helped their soulmate die.

I used to fly gliders. The one thing I dreaded most was a low level stall-spin. The internal dialogue would go like this:

"God damn it. Fuck. Shit. Center the stick! Apply full rudder against the direction of the spin. Hold it hold it hold it hold it in until the rotation stops. GENTLY ease back the stick to pull out of the dive. Not so hard! You'll rip the fucking wings off. Oh god dear god please let me have enough altitude to pull out. Shit that ground looks close. Shitshitshitshit I sure wish I'd worn a fucking parachute."

Welcome to my evening.

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Reply Three months later, and it all caves in on me. (Original post)
The_jackalope Dec 2017 OP
RainCaster Dec 2017 #1
sinkingfeeling Dec 2017 #2
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #5
MLAA Dec 2017 #3
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #7
Eko Dec 2017 #4
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #6
Eko Dec 2017 #8
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #17
Eko Dec 2017 #22
brer cat Dec 2017 #23
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #24
shenmue Dec 2017 #9
True Dough Dec 2017 #10
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #11
True Dough Dec 2017 #13
cilla4progress Dec 2017 #12
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #14
cilla4progress Dec 2017 #15
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #16
cilla4progress Dec 2017 #18
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #20
cilla4progress Dec 2017 #35
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #36
cilla4progress Dec 2017 #37
lunasun Dec 2017 #19
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #21
central scrutinizer Dec 2017 #25
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #27
spooky3 Dec 2017 #26
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #29
spooky3 Dec 2017 #31
VMA131Marine Dec 2017 #28
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #30
catrose Dec 2017 #32
The_jackalope Dec 2017 #33
catrose Dec 2017 #34
TygrBright Dec 2017 #38

Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:21 PM

1. So sorry to hear you are going through this

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:22 PM

2. I'm so sorry. I can't fathom what you've been through and how

much you have lost. I wish we could have a conversation about the trauma you went through and I could tell you about mine, 8 months after my sister ended her life.

Do you have a pastor or close friend to talk with, asks the non-believer. Please take care of yourself.

I said good-bye to DU last week, but couldn't bypass your post.

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Response to sinkingfeeling (Reply #2)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:31 PM

5. Thanks you so much. No, no pastor.

I'm a non-believer in that way too. When I met Kathy, I let all my real-life friends go so there would be enough room for her. So like in my gliding days, I'm alone in the cockpit. I have a good therapist, but she seems to pop me into my left brain where all the words live. This is a great huge lump of inchoate right-brain stuff.

I'm so, so sorry about your sister. I lost mine thirty years ago to throat cancer. Apparently the grief never goes away.

Thanks for your kindness.

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:27 PM

3. Does music or a good book help at all?

Or is it too hard to even concentrate? You certainly wrote a compelling post, would writing your memories and thoughts maybe help? I think you may have a talent for writing and it could help others who have or will face the courageous path you have trod.

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Response to MLAA (Reply #3)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:36 PM

7. I've written about it a fair bit actually - check my earlier posts here. Words don't help this.

Words helped before she died, or afterward when I was still in shock. They helped keep things in order. But there is no order in this place.

Thanks for speaking up.

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:28 PM

4. Ho Jackalope!

It should hurt, something that important should hurt. There are not many times in your life you will feel what you are feeling. Its something so human and so important, so rare and so special. It is a huge part of what you are, of what we all are. It makes us human as human can be. Accept and embrace it, but remember that as much as it seems like everything, and as much as you want it to always be everything, one day it wont. It will turn into another part of you and make you stronger and wiser, kinder and more human. Its a long road, and all the rest stops are closed so you just have to keep going, but you will know when you get there. Hope this helped just a little.
Eko.

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Response to Eko (Reply #4)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:33 PM

6. It's a humbling experience.

I was arrogant enough to think that my facility with words gave me a handle on it.

Heh.

Yes, it helped. Thank you.

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Response to The_jackalope (Reply #6)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:37 PM

8. As a non believer.

This always resonated with me, I can rarely watch it without crying but it is always a good cry.

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Response to Eko (Reply #8)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:02 PM

17. We are made of stars. That's a good, grounding thought.

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Response to The_jackalope (Reply #17)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:13 PM

22. Stardust.

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Response to The_jackalope (Reply #6)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:19 PM

23. I don't generally post here,

but I often read threads. You do have a wonderful facility with words, and you have had posts that are very insightful and helpful. I have nothing to offer you that would help you on this incredibly painful journey, but I do want you to know that you have touched the soul of a stranger by sharing some of your experience. Thank you.

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Response to brer cat (Reply #23)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:23 PM

24. Thank you. That helps more than you know.

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:37 PM

9. Very sorry

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:40 PM

10. That reminds me

there is a DU member named GliderGuider whose wife is/was dying. He hasn't posted since late May, however. If he resurfaces at some point, perhaps the two of you will find you have even more in common.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/~GliderGuider


All the best to you.




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Response to True Dough (Reply #10)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:42 PM

11. That's me.

I had to change handles because of a dispute with the moderators. That's me.

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Response to The_jackalope (Reply #11)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:48 PM

13. Ahhh! I thought the similarities were quite remarkable

especially within our DU community.

Didn't realize that you'd changed handles here.

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:44 PM

12. Weird isnt it, the roller coaster of emotion

After a loved one dies? Thereís almost a little giddiness at first, especially if there was suffering.

I recall after my dad died relatively young (I was 43) it hit me in waves and at unforeseen, random moments. I remember one time seeing through a window what appeared to me to be a father and adult daughter meeting up, and it set me off.

Is this some of what you are experiencing?

Sending you love and concern!

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Response to cilla4progress (Reply #12)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:50 PM

14. Yes, that's close enough for horseshoes and heartache.

I was very giddy at first. Then came the waves - determined efforts to keep it all in order, followed by collapse.

It was my 67th birthday on Sunday. I spent the weekend with my very aged parents who don't have my emotional nature, followed by two days with Kathy's mother who is caving in under the weight of her own loss. Now I'm back home, alone. So I guess it's no big surprise that I'm feeling like I was hit by a truck.

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Response to The_jackalope (Reply #14)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:54 PM

15. Do you have a

Pet?

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Response to cilla4progress (Reply #15)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 09:58 PM

16. Yes. A wonderful little dog, a schnoodle named Buddha.

He's getting a lot of attention these days.

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Response to The_jackalope (Reply #16)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:02 PM

18. Arent they

The best!

Iím happy that you have Buddha. What was his relationship with your lovely wife?

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Response to cilla4progress (Reply #18)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:10 PM

20. She came into his life when he was a year old.

He and I were completely bonded, but he took to her like a duckling to its mom. She was a dog whisperer - she could hear him, and he could hear her. When she arrived he was completely out of control, running my life. Within four months she had him trained and happy. He would spend hours sleeping at her feet as she made her art.

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Response to The_jackalope (Reply #20)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:59 PM

35. Lovely!

Thank you for this memory!

I suppose he is grieving, too?

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Response to cilla4progress (Reply #35)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 11:00 PM

36. It helped me to think of it, too.

Well done!

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Response to The_jackalope (Reply #36)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 11:01 PM

37. Nice

😄👍

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:03 PM

19. I remember your beautiful pictures of her at the end. I am also grieving a loss of life since OCT

but not a partner like Kathy . It can really suck. Peace

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Response to lunasun (Reply #19)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:11 PM

21. I'm sorry. Yes, it can really suck.

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:24 PM

25. In my grief support group

There are at least two people whose loved ones used Oregon's Death with Dignity act to end their lives. Most of us were the primary care givers for our loved ones.

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Response to central scrutinizer (Reply #25)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:32 PM

27. That's good to know. I'll keep looking.

I'm still new to the support-group landscape, I just started to crawl out of the wreckage a couple of weeks ago. The Canadian MAID program has been going for over a year now, so there will be some caregivers out there.

But I think what you were hinting at is right - it doesn't much matter how a person dies, and other ways can put a lot more stress on caregivers than an assisted death. All survivors need support of some kind.

Thanks.

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:26 PM

26. You might want to check out Diane Rehm's book. She went through that tragic situation.

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Response to spooky3 (Reply #26)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:34 PM

29. Thanks, I just ordered it now.

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Response to The_jackalope (Reply #29)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:43 PM

31. I hope it provides some comfort ++++++++++++++++++ to you.

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:32 PM

28. Maintain thy airspeed lest the ground rise up and smite thee!

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I lost a daughter at 4 months to SIDS: you never really get over it. The pain just dulls over time. I still never know what to say to someone who has lost a person close to them because I can't imagine what anybody could have said to me that would have helped in my own loss. Rest assured though, you are not alone.

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Response to VMA131Marine (Reply #28)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:37 PM

30. Thank you. No words are possible, but none are necessary.

I's deeply sorry for your loss too. It helps just to know I'm not alone, because grief can tell some cruel stories about that.

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:47 PM

32. I don't know if hospice was involved

But they make point of providing counseling for the survivors. They would certainly have experience with this kind of grief.
Best wishes as you trudge through this vale of tears.

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Response to catrose (Reply #32)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:52 PM

33. Thanks for the reminder. Yes, they were involved

And yes, there is a counselor I can contact. It's amazing the extent to which my brain has frozen up over this!

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Response to The_jackalope (Reply #33)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 10:56 PM

34. Oh good! I'm glad you're already connected.

Brain freezing is part of grief, depression, sorrow, the part that tells you there's nothing you can do; it's always going to be awful. Good luck!

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Response to The_jackalope (Original post)

Wed Dec 13, 2017, 11:46 PM

38. You have us. And we have you.

Your writing about this has been enormously helpful and inspiring to me, and I bet to others.

Of course it hurts like hell.

You lost part of yourself.

I look at some of her artwork now and then and I'm awed by the beauty she saw and captured and shared.

The artwork is still there.

Your love is still there.

Keep going, one day at a time.

It doesn't "get better" but it gets different. The pain transmutes. It's part of you too, but the love and the beauty are also still there.

It's complicated.

Keep on keeping on.

We're here.

warmly,
Bright

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