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Purrfessor's Journal
Purrfessor's Journal
April 4, 2020

Watching Trump's "Narcissistic Press Conference" today...

Asked whether his initial response to COVID-19 was indeed the response of a wartime president or a very unstable idiot Trump said, “You might say both! I consider myself a general first. First and foremost. That’s a phrase I made up by the way: first and foremost. I’m the greatest general in the history of generals. People don’t know this but the word ‘general’ was invented because of my swift action on everything I do. I’ve had other generals come up to me and say, ‘Sir, I’m a wartime general just like you but compared to you I don’t feel like I deserve that title, so I’m giving it up.’ And they cry when they say that. Some of them fall on the ground bawling like babies. Little babies. Tiny babies. Distraught. And I have to console them. Tell them it’s ok but what did they expect?

It’s also true I made some idiotic decisions. But they weren’t my decisions. I listened to the idiots in my administration. I won’t say who but his initials are JK. So in that sense you might say I’m an idiot, unstable or otherwise. But if that’s true, that I’m an idiot, I’m not just any idiot. I’m the best idiot. I had a man come up to me crying. Big burly man. Tattoos everywhere. Even his bald head. He was crying big tears, huge tears. My shoes got wet from the overflow. And he said, ‘Sir, some people are calling you an idiot.’ And I said that’s ok. I’m only an idiot in the good sense of the word. But remember I’m the Idiot-in-Chief, and the President-in-Chief and the General-in-Chief. I’m the Chief of everything, you might say.

And Melania, you know my wife Melanie? Melania, whatever her name is. She calls me the Sitapea-in-Chief. I don’t know what that means. But it’s good. It’s great. She’s speaks thirty-seven languages. Forty languages. Maybe fifty, I don’t know. But it’s a big number. Very big. I’ve tried to ask her what it means, Sitapea. She’s from Estonia, or Slovenia, or Hugoslavia, somewhere like that. It’s far away. Very far. Anyway, I go to her room. She keeps the door locked for her own safety. I have a special knock, three quick ones, a pause, then twelve very quick ones, another pause, then I stomp my feet seven times, pause again followed by twenty-one regular ones, regular knocks. You know, knocks? I’m very good at knocking. Better than anybody. Sometimes I lose count though and have to start over. But she’s never there when I knock, she’s very busy. Busier than any First-Woman, First-Bride, whatever you call them, in history. So it’s not surprising. Anyway that makes me the greatest Sitapea-in-Chief in the history of the world. In all time, forever. Most people don’t know that history means forever, all time. But I know. And now you know.

You know, idiots do great things, too. Very great. Fabulous. But maybe you don’t know. But it’s true. Someone once said, ‘Nothing is more humiliating than to see an idiot succeed in enterprises we have failed in.’ In that sense I have humiliated a lot of people. A number bigger than most people think exists. Like that pie number. You know pie? It’s a number that goes from here to wherever. Nobody really knows where it goes. It might still be going. It wouldn’t surprise me.

Many people don’t know this either but if you do a Google search for world’s top idiot my name comes up first. That’s an honor. Cryin’ Chuck Schumer babbles like a baby when he sees my name at the top of the list. I’m a very stable genius, too. A very stable idiot genius, you might say. How many people can say that? None. I’m the only one. But only in the good sense. The best sense. The greatest sense of all time. History. Forever. So yes. Whatever. You know? Ok. Next question. Yes, you. You over there. The OAN girl. Go ahead.”

March 30, 2020

Shakespearean sonnet on lack of toilet paper...

Such emptiness seems blindness to mine eyes,
Which once reflected wings of Angel Soft.
So light to touch like clouds in distant skies,
T’would billow on the breeze if held aloft.
What erstwhile forest floors did resupply.
This thing we rarely gave a second thought,
That lay like lifeless fallen butterflies,
May yet again be prized and highly sought.
But thus with racks devoid their precious prize.
And endless searches bring no chance reward.
Nor goods for which we choose to compromise,
While looking with contempt t’ward those who hoard,
We’ve little choice but act without delay.
And jury rig an interim bidet.

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Name: Allen
Gender: Male
Hometown: Florida
Home country: USA
Current location: Ohio
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 1,184

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