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Zorro

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Gender: Male
Hometown: America's Finest City
Current location: District 50
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 10,294

Journal Archives

Broad Majority of Americans Support Moving Trump to Jerusalem

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a new poll conducted on Wednesday, a sweeping majority of Americans said they support moving Donald J. Trump to Jerusalem.

The sixty-three per cent of survey respondents who approved relocating Trump to Jerusalem placed few conditions on such a move, other than that it take place “as soon as possible” and that it be “permanent.”

In other poll results, an overwhelming majority of respondents said that they would support relocating Trump to any number of other foreign destinations, including Russia, the Philippines, and “that station where scientists live at the South Pole.”

Though Americans were strongly enthusiastic about moving Trump to Jerusalem, in a rare consensus both Arabs and Israelis vehemently opposed the move.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/broad-majority-of-americans-support-moving-trump-to-jerusalem

The risks from a big stock or bond market drop are high and rising, government watchdog says

Risks “are high and rising” from the potential for a sudden drop in the stock and bond markets, according to the Office of Financial Research, the government agency tasked with looking for threats to the economy from the financial sector.

Some investors have been financing long-term asset with short-term loans and therefore a correction could trigger financial instability, according to the OFR annual report issued Tuesday.

The report highlighted vulnerabilities to cybersecurity incidents, obstacles to resolving failing systemically important financial institutions and structural changes in markets and industry as three key threats to the financial system.



Stock valuations are high by historical standards, the report noted. The cyclically adjusted price-to-earnings ratio of the S&P 500 is at its 97th percentile relative to the last 130 years.

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/the-risks-from-a-big-stock-or-bond-market-drop-are-high-and-rising-government-watchdog-says-2017-12-05

Climate scientists see alarming new threat to California

California could be hit with significantly more dangerous and more frequent droughts in the near future as changes in weather patterns triggered by global warming block rainfall from reaching the state, according to new research led by scientists at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory.

Using complex new modeling, the scientists have found that rapidly melting Arctic sea ice now threatens to diminish precipitation over California by as much as 15% within 20 to 30 years. Such a change would have profound economic impacts in a state where the most recent drought drained several billion dollars out of the economy, severely stressed infrastructure and highlighted how even the state most proactively confronting global warming is not prepared for its fallout.

The latest study adds a worrying dimension to the challenge California is already facing in adapting to climate change, and shifts focus to melting polar ice that only recently has been discovered to have such a direct, potentially dramatic impact on the West Coast. While climate scientists generally agree that the increased temperatures already resulting from climate change have seriously exacerbated drought in California, there has been debate over whether global warming would affect the amount of precipitation that comes to California.

The study, published Tuesday in the journal Nature Communications, provides compelling evidence that it would. The model the scientists used homed in on the link between the disappearance of sea ice in the Arctic and the buildup of high ridges of atmospheric pressure over the Pacific Ocean. Those ridges push winter storms away from the state, causing drought.

http://www.latimes.com/politics/la-na-pol-climate-california-20171205-htmlstory.html

This is greater than just a California problem, since a tremendous amount of crops that feed the rest of the country are grown there.

Trump's Lawyer Claims to Be Voice on Access Hollywood Tape

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to put to rest a mystery that has long bedeviled the nation, Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, John Dowd, revealed on Monday that it is actually his voice that appears on the notorious “Access Hollywood” tape.

Speaking to reporters, Dowd said that the so-called locker-room talk attributed to Trump had actually been carefully crafted by the former reality-show host’s legal team and then read aloud by Dowd himself.

Additionally, Dowd said that comments widely thought to have been made by Trump indicating that he believed that Frederick Douglass was still alive were also Dowd’s handiwork.

“President Trump was about to say something about whether Frederick Douglass was alive or not, and I stepped in at that moment and said that he was,” Dowd said. “I stand by that statement.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trumps-lawyer-claims-to-be-voice-on-access-hollywood-tape

Patterns in the sand: Sea level rise forced earlier migrations

As coastal Floridians face rising seas, they may repeat the past — 2,000 years past. The current forecasts are for the Atlantic and Gulf to wash over Florida’s shores more rapidly, and with far more people enjoying ocean views from their homes, than during earlier periods of sea level rise.

Still, ancient Floridians had to change their lives because of sea level rise — they moved inland, but not much.

Predictions on the modern displacement forced by sea level rise vary from a trickle to a full-on exodus. Other experts say it’s far too early to tell.

“I jokingly say to my friends that some day I’ll own waterfront property,” said Gainesville resident Ruth Steiner, professor and director of the Center for Health and the Built Environment at the University of Florida. “I’m of the mind that it’s too early to say.”

http://gatehouseprojects.com/risingseas/coastal-migration/

Scribbles by Mitch McConnell's Grandchild Accidentally Incorporated Into G.O.P. Tax Bill

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The version of the tax bill that Republican senators voted for early Saturday morning included scribbles in the margins by Mitch McConnell’s grandchild, the Senate Majority Leader has confirmed.

The scribbles, which the two-year-old drew when his grandfather left a copy of the bill unattended during Thanksgiving, were mistaken by Republican staff members for the work of McConnell himself and were hurriedly incorporated into the bill.

McConnell struck a philosophical note when he disclosed to reporters that the random crayon squiggles were on the verge of becoming the law of the land. “Laws are like sausages—it’s better not to see them being made,” he chuckled.

The Congressional Budget Office estimated that the toddler’s scrawl would add one trillion dollars to the budget deficit and result in ten million Americans losing their homes, but said that the scribbles were the most coherent passage in the bill.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/scribbles-by-mitch-mcconnells-grandchild-accidentally-incorporated-into-gop-tax-bill

Pence Asks Jesus to Rapture Him Up Before Mueller Can Indict Him

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has requested that Jesus Christ rapture him up before the special counsel Robert Mueller can indict him, a source close to Pence confirmed on Friday.

Shortly after the former national-security adviser Michael Flynn pleaded guilty to lying to the F.B.I., Pence contacted Jesus to discuss the early rapture proposal, the source said.

The source characterized Pence’s request to be raptured up as “urgent” but did not indicate whether the Vice-President asked Jesus to rapture up any other senior Administration officials.

“Some of these people will have to be left behind, for obvious reasons,” the source said. “Jared, for example.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/pence-asks-jesus-to-rapture-him-up-before-mueller-can-indict-him

Elon Musk releases plans for tunnel transportation system: Long Beach to Valley at 125 mph

Detailed engineering plans were released Friday that inject a dose of reality into Elon Musk’s futuristic, but heretofore vague vision of a new “express” high-speed underground public-transportation system that could rival LA Metro’s light rails.

The three-dimensional tunnel network, called Loop, would run from Long Beach Airport to Sherman Oaks, parallel to the 405 Freeway. Short complementary routes from Los Angeles International Airport to Dodger Stadium, and out to the beaches in Santa Monica and the South Bay beach cities, also are in the plans.

Passengers would speed through the all-electric system inside rectangular pods attached to autonomous skates that are affixed to a track more than 30 feet below ground. Musk’s Boring Co., which already is digging a tunnel beneath Hawthorne streets adjacent to the tech titan’s SpaceX headquarters, is currently seeking permits from the city of Los Angeles to extend the tunnel to the San Fernando Valley.

At the heart of the system are electric-powered skates.

http://www.dailybreeze.com/2017/12/01/elon-musk-releases-plans-for-tunnel-transportation-system-long-beach-to-valley-at-125-mph/

Venezuela blames oil woes on 'sabotage'

Venezuela’s oil industry is being sabotaged, the general newly installed as the crisis-hit country's oil minister and head of state crude giant PDVSA said Thursday.

"We have managed to arrest 20 people involved in a plan to sabotage production," Manuel Quevedo told reporters at a meeting of OPEC in Vienna.

"This sabotage plan is aimed at achieving a repeat of 2002-3 when there was an attempted coup against (Hugo) Chavez," the former president, Quevedo said.

"This time there is a whole plan to hit (oil) production."

https://www.yahoo.com/news/venezuela-blames-oil-woes-sabotage-003439607.html

The article reports that Venezuela is considering stopping crude oil sales to the US. That'll show us!
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