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Gender: Male
Hometown: America's Finest City
Current location: District 50
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 11,985

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Trump Boys Ransack Mueller's Office To Steal Answer Key To Questions For Their Dad

WASHINGTON—Frantically searching desk drawers, file folders, and the soil of a potted plant, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly ransacked Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office Tuesday in order to steal the corresponding answer key for the questions investigators planned to ask their father.

“USA Patriot Number Two, this is USA Patriot Number One, do you copy?” said Eric Trump, who scrambled through the office on his hands and knees to check the floorboards for hollow spots while speaking to his brother via a Power Rangers walkie-talkie from across the room.

“Make sure to cut open all those seat cushions and dump out that cup of pens. Dad is counting on us. If he doesn’t get these answers in time for the interview, he’s screwed. I’m squirting lemon juice on everything to make sure there’s no secret messages written in invisible ink.”

At press time, the Trump boys were forced to turn off their flashlights and hide under the desk after Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao unexpectedly walked into her ruined office.


N.R.A. Gun Ban During Pence's Speech Leaves Him Vulnerable to Bear Attack, DeVos Warns

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The National Rifle Association’s decision to ban guns during Mike Pence’s speech at its annual meeting in Dallas this week “leaves him totally vulnerable to a bear attack,” the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, warned on Monday.

Speaking to reporters at the Education Department, DeVos said that she was “deeply concerned” that the N.R.A. was underestimating the danger posed to Pence by “the savagery of one rogue bear.” “All it would take is one angry bear to ruin what otherwise promises to be a really nice gun event,” she said.

She added that, after contacting the N.R.A. leadership, she was alarmed to discover that there would be no bear detectors at the entrance to the Dallas venue. “A bear can simply waltz in there,” she said, shaking her head. “This is madness.”

DeVos urged the gun organization to rethink its plan and insure that every member of the audience for Pence’s speech is fully armed. “If there are no guns, that is sending a very dangerous message to bears,” she said.

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