WASHINGTON—In a stunning development unfolding rapidly throughout the once-predominantly Caucasian nation, America’s white population plummeted to 2.7 percent Wednesday following President Trump’s decision to cave on immigration enforcement.

“The second that Trump showed weakness on immigration, people throughout Central America came flooding across the borders into the country—and there’s no sign that they’ll stop anytime soon,” said a representative from the United States Census Bureau, adding that the tens of millions of migrants from Guatemala, Honduras, Mexico, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Belize, and Costa Rica immediately took up residence in every major American city while forcing white families out of their homes, seizing control of the economy at both the local and national levels, and compelling the remaining white citizens to attempt to learn basic Spanish in order to secure entry-level jobs in the service industry.

“Within hours of Trump’s executive order, every highway sign in the nation had been replaced with one in Spanish. All our data indicate that English will be effectively a dead language in the United States within the next few weeks.”

At press time, el Departamento de Seguridad Nacional anunció una prohibición permanente de todos inmigrantes de países caucásicos.

https://www.theonion.com/breaking-america-s-white-population-plummets-to-2-7-a-1827000385

Source: Washington Post

A leftist former guerrilla faced a young conservative lawmaker Sunday in a presidential election to decide who will lead Colombia as it implements a still-fragile peace accord.

One-time militant and former Bogota mayor Gustavo Petro and frontrunner Ivan Duque harbor contrasting views on the historic accord ending Latin America’s longest-running conflict and could significantly shape how Colombia proceeds with putting key aspects of it into motion.

Petro is vowing to uphold the 310-page accord while Duque wants to make changes like requiring ex-combatants to serve time before entering politics if they are guilty of crimes against humanity. Under the final agreement, rebels who fully confess and offer reparations to victims are unlikely to be sent behind bars.

“Undoubtedly, for the peace process, this is an important test,” said Patricia Munoz, a professor of political science at the Pontifical Xavierian University in Bogota.

Read more: https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/the_americas/former-guerrilla-young-conservative-vie-to-lead-colombia/2018/06/17/d1e34336-71e3-11e8-b4d8-eaf78d4c544c_story.html

Source: McClatchy DC Bureau

Several prominent Russians, some in President Vladimir Putin’s inner circle or high in the Russian Orthodox Church, now have been identified as having contact with National Rifle Association officials during the 2016 U.S. election campaign, according to photographs and an NRA source.

The contacts have emerged amid a deepening Justice Department investigation into whether Russian banker and lifetime NRA member Alexander Torshin illegally channeled money through the gun rights group to add financial firepower to Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential bid.

Other influential Russians who met with NRA representatives during the campaign include Dmitry Rogozin, who until last month served as a deputy prime minister overseeing Russia’s defense industry, and Sergei Rudov, head of one of Russia’s largest philanthropies, the St. Basil the Great Charitable Foundation. The foundation was launched by an ultra-nationalist ally of Russian President Putin.

The Russians talked and dined with NRA representatives, mainly in Moscow, as U.S. presidential candidates vied for the White House. Now U.S. investigators want to know if relationships between the Russian leaders and the nation’s largest gun rights group went beyond vodka toasts and gun factory tours, evolving into another facet of the Kremlin’s broad election-interference operation.

Read more: http://www.mcclatchydc.com/latest-news/article212756749.html

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The NRA's line? Contributions are "fungible", so precisely tracing Russian oligarch money to the NRA funds used to promote the Trump campaign is impossible.

Add the NRA to the list of traitors to the USA.

SINGAPORE—Saying the agreement represents a major high point in American international relations, President Trump concluded his summit with Kim Jong-un Monday by securing a $10 billion trade deal to sell both strategic and tactical nuclear warheads directly to North Korea.

“There was some negotiating involved in getting [Jong-un] to buy as many nukes as we wanted to sell, but by cutting the price, we came out with a deal that’s profitable for America and therefore good for the world,” said Trump of the pact, which requires the United States to provide the East Asian authoritarian state with 50 thermonuclear fusion weapons over the next five years.

“We’re taking this $10 billion and investing it right back into our economy, our arms industry, and especially our great military, because now more than ever we’re going to need them to help train, supply, and reinforce North Korean troops.”

At press time, Trump had threatened to pull out of the deal in a series of invective-laced tweets accusing Kim Jong-un of attempting to acquire $10 billion worth of nuclear weapons.

https://politics.theonion.com/trump-touts-success-of-singapore-summit-after-securing-1826742733

SINGAPORE (The Borowitz Report)—One day before his summit with Donald J. Trump, the North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un, has offered to host peace talks between the United States and Canada.

Speaking to reporters at his hotel in Singapore, Kim said that the rising tensions between the North American neighbors were posing an “intolerable threat to world peace.”

In addition to offering to host U.S.-Canada talks in Pyongyang, Kim urged the immediate creation of a demilitarized zone along the border separating the two hostile nations. “In exchange for Canadian Mounties agreeing to stand down on their side of the border, the United States, in turn, would dismantle its nuclear weapons,” Kim said.

Although stating that “North Korea stands ready and willing to be an honest broker” in peace talks between the two countries, he urged Trump to dial back the “inflammatory rhetoric” that he aimed at Canadians over the weekend.

“Violent language and threats have no place in international diplomacy,” Kim said.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/kim-jong-un-offers-to-host-peace-talks-between-united-states-and-canada

Porsche's first fully-electric car will be called the Taycan, the company revealed on Friday. The name roughly translates to, "lively, young horse," a reference to the company's logo.

The vehicle had previously been known as the Mission E. It will have a range of over 300 miles, produce over 600 horsepower, and accelerate from 0-60 mph in under 3.5 seconds.

The Taycan will compete against Tesla's Model S sedan. Between its two premium trims, the Model S has a maximum range of 335 miles and can accelerate from 0-60 mph in 2.5 seconds.

The Taycan is expected to arrive in 2019 and start around $75,000.

https://www.sfgate.com/technology/businessinsider/article/Porsche-s-Tesla-rival-will-be-called-the-Taycan-12979764.php

Nice looking car. Dumb sounding name.

A 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO recently sold in a private auction for a reported $70 million, auto publications have announced throughout the week, likely making it the most-expensive car in the world.

The private nature of the transaction leaves some details unknown, though auto publications are widely reporting that the Ferrari has left the garage of its former German owner and is now in the possession of David MacNeil, founder of the Illinois-based WeatherTech custom floor mat maker.

Already counted among a very desirable Ferrari crop, this 4153GT chassis specimen has racing provenance. It was first overall at the 1964 Tour de France. Only 36 versions of the series were ever made, making the vehicle extremely rare.

Previously the highest price for a car was $52 million, paid for another 1963 Ferrari GTO in 2013.

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/1963-ferrari-250-gto-fetches-a-record-price-propelling-autos-into-fine-arts-league-2018-06-07

The floor mat business must be pretty good.

WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that he has repeatedly spent money intended for agency use on personal items, lavish travel, and other unnecessary expenditures, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly claimed Wednesday that the funds he has misappropriated would have only been wasted on dumb shit like clean water.

“Everyone knows that the EPA would’ve just squandered these funds on stupid-ass stuff like providing potable water to a bunch of fucking kids or whatever if I hadn’t used it first,” said Pruitt, questioning why he should let the EPA fritter away American taxpayers’ hard-earned cash on “useless bullshit” like fuel standards, maintaining air quality, and preventing contamination.

“I just don’t understand why people are getting all riled up about me taking personal trips on private jets or trying to get my wife a job at Chick-fil-A—do they seriously want me wasting my time appointing scientists to high-level posts or researching climate change? Ooh, yeah, let’s piss away all our funding trying to uphold dumb crap like physical, chemical, and microbiological parameters, great idea. God, environmentalist people are so fucking lame.”

Pruitt added that it was bad enough the agency was throwing away a bunch of cash to clean up Superfund sites that had already been contaminated for free.

https://politics.theonion.com/scott-pruitt-claims-misappropriated-epa-funds-would-hav-1826604956

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Donald J. Trump made Vice-President Mike Pence watch him issue pardons for several hours to see how it is done, a White House source confirmed.

According to the source, Trump pardoned a number of disgraced political figures and former reality-show cronies for the sole purpose of training Pence in the art of issuing pardons. After signing pardon after pardon while Pence looked on intently, Trump commanded the Vice-President to sign a “practice pardon” to prove that he “wouldn’t mess anything up,” the source said.

Before trying his hand at issuing a pardon, Pence heaped praise on Trump for the pardoning demonstration he had just given. “Mr. President, as in everything you do, your mastery of pardoning has been a wonder to behold,” he said. “I pray to God that, if I am ever called upon to issue a pardon, I do it with one-tenth of the skill and grace you have just displayed.”

“Stop sucking up and sign it,” Trump reportedly snapped.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-makes-pence-watch-him-issue-pardons-to-see-how-its-done

WASHINGTON—Following months of bruising criticism from Democrats and President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff Sessions was reportedly trying to commit suicide Thursday by smoking a joint.

“I swore I’d never take the coward’s way out, but what choice do I have?” said a teary-eyed Sessions, carefully laying a sealed envelope containing his farewell note on a tool bench in his garage as he raised a lighter to the marijuana cigarette with trembling hands.

“This is it. I’ve taken four puffs to make sure there’s no chance of survival. It should only be a matter of minutes now. Oh, what a wretched, ignominious ending. Goodbye, cruel world, I’m sorry I’ve failed you so.”

At press time, Sessions reportedly realized he had died after being overcome by a euphoric, floating feeling.

https://politics.theonion.com/inconsolable-jeff-sessions-tries-to-commit-suicide-by-s-1826462420