Bill ("I always feel strangled between the ears" O'Reilly is saying, "You've nailed that, Jesse! . . . These so-called gay marchers are just really into exhibitionism as a way of flaunting authority, getting their sick sexual thrills, and recruiting children into their filthy fold. . . . And in Hollywood they're worse, showing gay characters, and transgendered aberrations, and mutant forms of human perversity in almost every movie. . . . Don't get me started on television!!! . . . Why the gender-inappropriate dress and behavior is clearly designed to do one thing: toencourage children to experiment sexually. . . . Boys kissing boys, girls with their puppies, and so forth. . . . And they call me sick!!!"

Geraldo ("Integrity's just a nine-letter word" Rivera is saying, "Listen, instead of going to trial, George Zimmerman should have been given a citation for the restraint he displayed, . . . maintaining it up until it was almost too late. . . . His very life was on the line!. . . . He should never have been arrested much less to go to trail!! . . . . And if it wasn't for the liberal pansies trying to placate African-Americans, none of this would have occurred. . . . Hell, if this was a sane administration he might be up for a presidential medal. . . . It might be a bit early to be talking Rushmore though."

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Ann ("What's a conscience, anyway?" Coulter is saying: "Who says there's not a God?. . . Who hates America? . . . This verdict shows both the grace of God and country. . . It demonstrates that in America with the help of the divine someone can profile a minority, track him down like the dog he is, and when he tries to fight back, shoot him through his malicious. little heart! . . . Is this a great day, or what? . . . . Who says there's no God? . . . Who hates America?"

Rick (the wink on sludge, the fecal gleam) Perry is saying, "Here's some Texas math: no more abortions equals more men born, . . . more men born means more men to shoot, . . . and as a bonus it also means more guns . . . and lethal injections! . . . Hot damn!!!"

Ted ("What meds?" Nugent is saying: "What the hell is in your head, anyway??. . . Of course the NRA made me a spokesman because they wanted appear more mainstream and attract more of the regular Joe's out there. . . . So how is joking about shooting feral pigs from a helicopter over West LA with a night-scope and a hundred-round clip going to turn an average Joe off??? . . . You should start using that head for something other than a target! . . . Geez."

Steve ("balanced as dervish dancer on LSD" Doocy is saying: "Just to catch you up on the George Zimmerman trial: in the past several days the defense has scored a number of knock-out punches (any one of which, by the way, should result in an innocent verdict) in terms of forensic evidence, voice recognition by a witness, a courtroom demonstration of the altercation, and a demonstration of Treyvon Martin's reprehensible desire for drugs and violence, even while the judge is apparently doing everything in the book to derail the defense attorneys. . . . Meanwhile the prosecution has entered lame evidence, lying witnesses, and deceitful testimony from fake experts. . . . The prosecution seems clearly 'down for the count.' . . . Make sure to stay tuned to Fox for a fair-and-balanced account of the trial. As always!"

Bill ("When I think too hard I smell rubber burning" O'Reilly is saying, "Listen, these progressives want abortions given out like candy. . . . If your stomach is a bit upset: Go get an abortion! . . . If you don't like the way you look when you're pregnant: Go get an abortion! . . . If you're feeling a bit down: Abortion's the answer! . . . If it's raining out: Ditto! . . . They even want every pregnant woman to be consoled on the advantages of an abortion each time she gets a doctor's checkup! . . . Who can make these things up???"

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Elisabeth ("But I was paying attention in school!" Hasselbeck is saying: "I'm so happy to be moving onto Fox where the other guys and gals won't be down my throat all the time with their so-called facts and reasons to care for people or have concern for the environment or what I'm saying, so I will be able to think clear and straight about all those things people think about when someone's not there trying to confuse him, or in this case her, so my thinking might mature and grow into something like what other people think about, like a thought, when they're thinking about things without being hassled all the time . . . Ha! That's like my name, 'hassle,' 'Hasselbeck,' . . . get it?"

Martha ("Who needs evidence?" MacCallum is saying: "I agree with you, Mr. Shulman. Although there's not a shred of evidence linking the burglaries of your office to the State Department, no taking of files dealing with your case against the State Department, no identification of person, clothing, voice, or any other attribute linking the State Department to the theft, it not only points to the State Department it reeks of their involvement. . . Who else, after all, would be so devious as to leave no indication of a Stat Department connection? . . . How obvious can they get? . . . Geez."

Nikki ("The taxpayers are happy to pay for partisan investigations without merit" Haley is saying: "Just because the State Enforcement Division has investigated thoroughly and has not documented a single instance of voter fraud, doesn't mean our claims of 300 dead voters on the role was necessarily incorrect. . . The point is, people could have done this. It's very easy to see how it could be done. . . . In fact it makes strict voter ID laws even more necessarily because of the pure potential for such fraud at this point. . . . It's scary!"