Bill ("Talking makes me hot" O'Reilly is saying, "Laura, that's just down-right insane! . . . Just how is it sexist to assume, all other things being equal, that men know more than women, that they are discernibly more capable behind a scalpel as well as an assault rifle, that they will always reign supreme on the athletic field as well as in the board room, that they can out-think out-perform over 94% of their female rivals. . . . That's just the facts! . . . Just how is it 'sexist' to state the facts? . . . That's what I'd like to know. . . . Next you'll be telling me truth comes in 'little missy' sizes. . . . Jeez."

Bill ("Let me soap up your falafel" O'Reilly is saying, "Listen, Turley, shut up, . . . just shut up! . . . Shut up! . . . Listen for once" . . . I don't care what you and the Supreme Court or all the lawyers and judges and law professors on the East Coast say, none of you know pigeon crap about the law, none of what you say means squat. . . . What the law clearly states is what I just said, 'freedom of religion' means you have to be religious, you have to be OF a certain religion or religious order if you want any say in public affairs. . . . Therefore these so-called atheists don't have a say in anything! . . . Zero! . . Zilch! . . . All you pinheads know about the law comes from books. . . . I'm surprised at you."

Jim ("What, after all, is there to apologize for?" DeMint is saying, "And a majority of woman want to be required to take an ultra-sound before an abortion. They enjoy being forced to see their situation from another point of view, from the baby's viewpoint, and they especially and absolutely love it when they realize how self-centered their decisions were, and will rush to lawmakers in droves to thank us for allowing them to avoid the worst mistake in their lives. . . . allowing them, that's like more freedom! . . . They also love it when they are made to wear gender-appropriate attire and when you grab them by the scruff of their necks and . . ."

Bill ("God knows I'm right" ) O'Reilly is saying, "Mary Katharine, you're getting too pin-heady here, everyone (except those who don't want to see) knows what's going on. The Supreme Court has lost its bearings and is trying to be popular, trying to appease the gays and the limp-minded liberals (noodle heads!), make them think that it's alright, that the state sanctions it, that sodomy and sadistic perversity like bondage and feces eating is the equivalent of brushing your teeth, or combing your hair, or cooking a can of thick, thick soup, or unstopping your toilet, or taking your dog for a long, long, long . . . long, . . . Ah, where was I?"

Donald ("A trial's too good for him" ) Trump is saying: "Not only should we execute that little twerp, Edward Snowden, we should sell lottery ticket to see who gets to flip the switch on that filthy scumbag. . . . I know I for one would buy at least 10,000 tickets!"

Tim ("Two guys kissing makes me go all buttery inside" Huelskamp is saying, "That's why I am not only going to introduce a Constitutional Amendment banning same sex marriage but I'm going to make sure that no one is able to skirt the law by getting sex-charge operations after marriage, or wearing gender inappropriate clothing during marriage, or speaking in a gender opposite voice, or engaging in gender inappropriate behavior. At least not while married. . . . America's a free country. Let's keep it that way."

Alfred E. Newman is saying: "Sarah Palin wants me to be her spokesperson on global warming, women's rights, immigration reform, gun violence, corporate maleficence, the infrastructure, abortion rights, growing wealth disparity, and pollution. . . . I wonder why?

Rick ("Thinking's just another fad" Perry is saying, "Yes sir, I sure do believe in the dignity of human life above all things . . . all things! . . . That's why I say anyone standing in the way of this abortion bill is dead, finished, kaput, over, done, zip, nada, wiped out, cooked, nothing-on-a-stick, roadkill candy, a used condom, a wasted piece of human meat, fruity hemorrhoid cream, a node of pain-over-more-pain, a soggy tampon, a turd on a string, a. . . ."

John ("Women should be mothers" Kasich is saying "Just to be clear: Ohio is not anti-woman and does not believe that the Republican Party in engaged in a 'war on women.' Such ideas come straight from the liberal media. . . . In fact, this new abortion bill indicates that Ohio wants more women, . . . that's why we want less abortions. . . . Yes, in the long run we want more women, real women, women who will stay at home to raise a family, women who know their very important role in the family, who will aid the male in his decisions and help institute his desires while maintaining the home in an orderly and frugal manner, women who don't keep yakking about a mythical 'glass ceiling,' women who don't get tattoos or take judo classes, women . . . "

Peggy ("These are not our bodies, they're the state's!" Noonan is saying" I think it is incorrect, George, to say the Texas law is intended to close abortion clinics. . . . In fact, it's trying to do just the opposite: trying to facilitate as many safe and clean abortions that are truly needed, ones which indicate the mother has a full and intellectual realization of the abortion's implication both for her life now and later, abortions that are recommended in writing by at least three locally registered clergymen with a certified, notorized deposition that the father has no qualms or qualifications, ones where the abortionist also qualifies as a psychotherapist, that he or she be assisted by at least five licensed abortion associates, at least one of whom teaches as a tenured chemistry professor at the nearest university at least on a part-time basis, that (blah, blah, blah). . . . No, George, Texas is not trying to get rid of abortion clinics, far from it!"