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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 43,348

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Breaking: Donald Trump selects Official White House Pets

TRUMP TOWER (Spurious News Network) -- Following weeks of speculation, President-Elect Donald Trump has selected the Official White House Pets.


Mr. Trump conducted a press conference on the sidewalk in front of Trump Tower to display the animals that will accompany him on his amazing journey: a breeding pair of Tasmanian devils who were captured in the wild and named after his parents, Fred and Mary Ann Trump. Upon lifting the veil covering their cages, the assembled reporters immediately retreated to Brooklyn.

Later on Fox News, Trump explained the significance behind their selection. "We were drawn to their reproductive strategy. A Tasmanian devil gives birth to fifty kittens who immediately square off in a fight to the death for one of the four nipples in a female devil's pouch. I couldn't think of a more appropriate symbol of my administration." Trump was asked NOT to bring the devils to the studio with him.

When asked which one was which, Trump shrugged: "No one's been brave enough to get that close."

Tasmanian president Jim Wilkinson questioned not only Trump's sanity but the legality of this move. "You need a licence to remove devils from Tasmania. He didn't ask for one and we wouldn't have given it to him if he had. One devil would make a poor excuse for a house pet, and two would be even worse. They look like a twenty-pound rat. They're born pissed off and get worse as they go along. You feed them the way they fed the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. They're solitary. They're nocturnal. They can gnaw their way out of a gaol cell. If you try petting one, it'll probably eat your hand. They have a scream that'll curdle your blood...and as for the stench...oh my. You Yanks have this lovely expression about bad-smelling things, 'it'll curl your nose hairs.' Well, a devil's odor won't curl your nose hairs. It'll make them fall out."

Sir Peter Cosgrove, Governor-General of Australia, was slightly philosophical: "There's no possible way those devils could possibly trash America as badly as Trump is going to."

McConnell wants "Democratic cooperation" on repealing Obamacare

You cannot make this shit up.


Aren't ex post facto laws and bills of attainder illegal?

Der Orangenfuehrer claims that if a US-based corporation moves jobs overseas while he's in charge, he's going to whack that company with a 35-percent tariff on any products they attempt to import into the United States.

Somehow I don't think that's even legal. He'd have to get a law that (1) attacked activity that happened before the law was passed - ex post facto - and (2) targeted one company - a bill of attainder - to make this happen...and for some reason I think our heavily-abused Constitution is still intact enough to say, "no, Donald, you can't do this."

The most patriotic act the Air Force could ever hope to accomplish...

...is writing the phone number to a pizza parlor on the little card that's supposed to have the launch codes on it.

Al Franken for 2020!

Franken has two huge advantages over Hillary: he's able to connect with the common person, and he hasn't been the recipient of 30 years of hard-right love.

True symbolic bliss would be for Hillary to best Trump by 3 million votes

That was roughly the population of the United States the day Cornwallis surrendered his forces to General Washington at Yorktown.

To know he is so unpopular his opponent got the same number of votes as he did PLUS THE VOTES OF THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES ON THE DAY WE WON OUR INDEPENDENCE would really jerk Trump's orange chain.
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