I tried Heinz' new Mayochup and I like it!

People have been mixing mayonnaise and ketchup together at home for...probably since there were mayonnaise and ketchup to mix together.

Big food manufacturing corporations have been doing the same thing. This is a Big Thing in Latin America, where it's called "mayo ketchup" or "salsa rosado," and in the Mormon Belt of Utah and Idaho, where it's called Fry Sauce. So...when I saw the friendly bottle of Heinz Mayochup - which, apparently, is pissing off a lot of right-wing snowflakes - I had to have it.

My opinions follow:

1. Color. It is a pleasant salmon hue. Fortunately, it doesn't taste like salmon.

2. Packaging. The pre-launch photos of this stuff display it in a bottle probably popular in the Middle East, where they started selling it first. In the US, it comes in the same bottle as Heinz ketchup, with a different label. The cutline on this product is "saucy sauce." It is indeed saucy.

3. Ingredients. Contains Heinz ketchup and Heinz mayonnaise. No issues there.

4. Flavor. Very mild and pleasant. If I was the food scientist who came up with the Official Heinz Formula for Mayochup I would have put a few drops of Tabasco in it...of course, I tend to put a few drops of Tabasco in everything. No matter. It has a flavor anyone can enjoy.

5. Consistency. This is where Mayochup stands apart from its competition. It is VERY thick. It's thicker than either of the things that are in it. It's also thicker than all its competitors. It's nearly as thick as caulking compound. You can put it on a hamberder, turn the hamberder upside down, and not have the Mayochup fall off. It is a marvel of engineering.

Recommendation: get some. It is very nice.

You folks do realize, of course...

...that we're about three days from "give me $6 billion for my wall or I'll hold my breath until I die."

Oh noes! I'm about to be prosecuted for money laundering!

I got this email today...

Attention: Beneficiary,

We sincerely apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of certified mail, post-mail, phone or face to face conversation. It's due to the urgency and importance of the security information of our citizens. I am David Lance Bowdich the Deputy Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and Field Intelligence Groups (FIGs).

We intercepted two consignment boxes at JFK Airport, New York. The boxes were scanned and they contained large sums of money ($4.1 million), also some backup documents that bear your name as the Beneficiary / Receiver. An investigation was carried out on the diplomat that accompanied the boxes into the United States and he stated that he was to deliver the funds to your residence as an overdue payment owed to you by a foreign country.

After cross-checking all legal documents in the boxes, we found out that your consignment was lacking an important document and we can't release the boxes to the diplomat until the document is found, we have no other option than to confiscate your consignment.

According to Internal Revenue Code (IRC) in Title 26 also contain reporting requirements on a Form 8300, Report of Cash Payment Over $10,000 Received in a Trade or Business, money laundering activity may violate 18 USC §1956, 18 USC 1957, 18 USC 1960, and provision of Title 31, and 26 USC 6050I of the United States Code (USC), this section will discuss only those money laundering and currency violations under the jurisdiction of IRS, your consignment lacks proof of ownership certificate from the joint team of IRS and IRC, you're requested to reply back immediately for direction on how to procure the fund ownership certificate to avoid being charged for evading the law, which is punishable offense in the United States.

You are required to reply within 72hours or you will be prosecuted in a court of law for money laundering, you are instructed to desist from further contact with any bank(s) or person(s) in any part of the world regarding your payment because your consignment has been confiscated by the Federal Bureau of Investigation here in the United States.

Yours In Service,
David Lance Bowdich
Deputy Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation

Since "evading the law" is "punishable offense in the United States" and it's obvious that I did that even though I can't remember evading the law, I'm going to get hauled off soon. They tell me I can get ten years in Leavenworth or eleven years in Twelveworth, or five to ten in Woolworth, for doing this.

And tell me about this "post-mail." Do they only handle fence posts, or can you also send mailbox posts? Maybe they should send me a mailbox post, because it's obvious the only reason they didn't mail this to me like the FBI is supposed to is because my mailbox post has been found lacking.

Okay folks, eyes back on the prize

We've had our fun with Trump's hamberder bash for the Clemson football team. It's time to get back to work. Remember, the Electoral College's president:

1) Threw a tantrum and shut down the government.
2) Gave Syria to ISIS on the same silver platter he used to give Big Macs to Clemson's football team.
3) Colluded with the Russians to steal the election from Hillary Clinton, who beat him soundly at the ballot box.
4) Is profiting from his office, in violation of the Constitution.
5) Made a Mob lawyer IRS Commissioner.
6) Designed his "bump stock ban" so it violates the Takings Clause of the US Constitution, which will make it easy to overturn.
7) Fill in your favorite Trump atrocity.

As Rashida Tlaib said, we're going to impeach the motherfucker. And we're going to do it in such a way that no Republican who ever wanted to work again would vote against it.

Luggage fans, need a suggestion

Alaska Airlines' new carry-on size limit is 22" x 14" x 9" including the wheels and handles. Which means I need to get a new bag.

What's good, fits in those dimensions, and is not outrageously expensive - say, $150 max?

Thoughts about Trump's speech

NPR has the transcript; googling “NPR Trump speech transcript” will take you right there.

Trump’s thesis is, “the Border is completely unsecured, so hard drugs and illegal immigrants are flocking across it and it’s all the Democrats’ fault.”

Throw in a lot of jerking on your heartstrings with a bulldozer, and that’s Trump’s speech in a nutshell.

At one point Trump fell back on the old “what about if it was your daughter” strawman. Problem is, for seventeen people in Parkland, Florida, it WAS their son, daughter or husband and Trump didn’t do a damn thing.

Let’s dissect Trump’s thesis, shall we?

POINT 1: The Border is completely undefended.
REALITY: Of all the international borders in the world, the only ones that are more heavily defended than the one in question have land mines. In fact, there’s already a wall there everywhere a wall can be built. Certainly we can tear down the old wall and build a new one, but how that’s supposed to do anything besides funnel tax dollars to Trump’s contributors is a question best not asked two hours before I normally wake up.

POINT 2: All the bad things we don’t want in this country won’t come in if we have a wall.
REALITY: Criminals are creative. If Trump manages to create a barrier so sturdy not one seed can possibly get through, they’re not going to scream, in a bad Middle Eastern accent, “no drugs for you!” They’ll find other paths, like loading the drugs into sacks of coffee beans or flying them through San Juan, Puerto Rico. And since those routes are already well established...

POINT 3: It’s all the Democrats’ fault.
REALITY: Trump believes our party wants “open borders,” or at least he claims to. The mass of legislation signed and sponsored by Democrats to secure that border puts that theory in question. If Trump would have come in and said, “I want more officers, better sensors, a better border law, maybe some more detention facilities to hold border crossers while waiting for deportation,” there’s a good chance we would have worked with him. “I want to replace a wall that’s not working with a bigger one that won’t work and pay for it with savings on illegal migration” - especially since “this expensive thing will pay for itself” seems to be the GOP’s theme music - isn’t going to garner much interest.

Two other points that have already been discussed ad nauseum: if Congress wanted to give him a wall they would have done it when the whole body was under Republican control, and Trump has no credibility in this matter because we keep finding illegals on his payroll.

The only proper Democratic response to Trump's word salad

"We have decided Rashida Tlaib was right. Tomorrow morning we're going to impeach the motherfucker for false official statements and dereliction of duty."

Damn Lucas!

Please, please, I implore of you

Do not, whatever you do, attempt to turn Trump's speech into a drinking game.

Now, I will be the first to admit that "drink every time Trump attempts to blame the shutdown on the Democrats" sounds like a pretty sweet game. Given that, it would be far too easy to drink yourself to death doing this. We already have too few Democrats as it is, and we don't need you offing yourselves.

Have a good time out there, but be safe.

How to make a totally effective border barrier for next to nothing

1. Call Lamar Advertising (one of the biggest billboard companies that is not Clear Channel) and have them erect a series of double billboards with 48-foot advertising panels and solar-powered lights. Place them roughly one mile apart with the advertising panels pointed toward Mexico.

2. Place on the left-hand panel on each billboard a huge picture of Trump with the motivational message, "Este pendejo sigue siendo presidente. Vete a casa, por favor."

3. Lamar can sell the other panel to make money for maintenance.