orleans
orleans's Journalso beautifully put, kesha
it's been a busy day, hectic at times, so much to preoccupy me--but the distance between me and my immediate surroundings remain. off and on all day, in the background, my thoughts turn and linger for a moment or two in a place that feels no where near where i physically am. and i wait for the day to end.
after hours of this preoccupation and pretense i am finally alone.
it's a relief.
and the night crashes in on me.
alone with my memories and sorrows
and i come here.
thank you for your loving thoughts, your kind and gentle words, your sympathy, your understanding, your compassion.
the memories we have for those we loved and still love are golden treasures -- they are the bittersweet gifts that are left for us and we open them gladly, gratefully, and yet would trade them all in a heartbeat for just one more day together.
and the night crashes down.
i've been thinking of you on and off tonight (for the past couple of days actually)
sending you love and so unable to imagine going through what you've been through lately. i hope you are alright.
i want to tell you that you're not alone, he's with you still and so very sorry and has tried to comfort you (and i truly hesitate to say it because i don't want to overstep that line of polite sympathy posting so please forgive me but i feel strongly compelled to tell you that--so strongly that it is important enough for me to overstep that line tonight--again, please forgive me)
i'm very sorry for your loss
and, in case you ever need to talk, we have a bereavement group here (which i didn't know about until...well, until i needed it and went looking for a place to talk/vent/fall apart)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1234
thank you, kesha
(i posted to you the other night but i guess the site or my computer was too slow--and the post never made it here)
i remember thinking (and writing to you) my thoughts about tears. i said:
i think tears are the sorrows of the soul.
tonight i found this quote:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." --Washington Irving
thank you for your warm and kind thoughts.
thank you for your very moving post
i am so very sorry for your loss.
the loss is terrible but i think, sometimes, the not knowing compounds it.
i lost my mom near the end of october. i know it has changed my feelings for the holiday i loved so much.
how lucky our special friends are to have been loved so very much.
and how fortunate we have been to be loved in return.
what a wonderful quote--so true
especially when you loved them back so much
i lost my mom four years ago--still hurting (a lot)
still trying to carry on our usual relationship (example: recently i went for nearly four months without speaking to her! - because i was pissed off about something --long story-- it was the longest period of time i didn't talk to her, including when she was physically here).
we have such interesting/unique relationships with our mothers
i'm so very sorry for your loss
i remember i gave my parents a lump of coal in their stockings
when i was a teenager. i thought it was funny
because, as rumor had it, their parents threatened santa would leave lumps of coal in stockings if kids were bad.
my parents got a kick out of it when i did it. it was quite the "novel" idea.
turns out, my mom saved it--all these years. i found it in the box in her dresser after she died. i think i cried when i found it.
i want to be happy again
i used to love my life--i was so happy
haven't felt that way in over four years
rough night tonight
still is
going on six months since i lost my little furkid and i'm still not over her, still haven't cried enough (apparently)
maybe it's a combination of things in my life -- not sure, but it always comes back to these losses
seems the past six months my mourning for my mom took a dramatic shift when my little girl dog passed--every bit of grief was transferred to the new loss
tonight was the first time since 1974 where i wrapped christmas presents without a dog around. i wrap them on the living room floor and there is always the concern about them getting into something they shouldn't, stepping on the paper and ripping it, etc.
not tonight. first time in 39 years. and i realized this when i was wrapping. and strangely enough it didn't seem to bother me. i finished what i set out doing.
and then
i fell apart.
not because of the 39 year deal.
but because i miss her -- so much.
i was thinking how some people believe we come into this life to learn lessons, or to serve a purpose, help others, etc. and when we have completed what we initially set out to do (in our pre-life existence) then we leave this life.
well...if that's the case then why did my little friend, my companion, leave when she did? does that logic of pre-life planning apply to animals as well? or what changed in me or in my life that somehow gave the universe the okay to take her away?
she was getting old, but she could have had more time. and it's not like she was sick or anything. she just stopped eating. and for a week i tried to hold onto her, and i couldn't. i couldn't--i lost her anyway. why? what purpose did it serve for me to have to lose her when i did? and she loved me, she was my little shadow, she never would have chosen to leave me.
bad night tonight.
i sleep with her little fuzzy pink coat cuddled in my arms, by my face, against my heart. sometimes i sit with it on my lap and run my hand across it, over and over, feeling the softness of it, feeling the soft collar. and last night when i lifted it up from my lap a little bit and looked at it, suddenly it hit me--it's EMPTY!
it's empty, it's empty, it's empty...oh my god...!
sometimes we read/listen to/watch things that mirror our feelings, or (in this situation), our sadness, our grief. and tonight, during a major crying jag (that, hours later, hasn't fully subsided), i thought of this song (and except for the break with talking) it really mirrors the depths i've been in tonight. i put the dvd in, watched it (thought it might help to get it out of my system--it didn't).
so sad tonight.
here's the song: (only the version i watched was from a movie)
just feeling so damn low tonight...
lost
broken
what a beautiful little friend
you and romeo were so lucky to have each other.
the other day skittles posted:
"our pets - they take pieces of our hearts with them"
and they really do, don't they?
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