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orleans

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Gender: Female
Member since: Fri Nov 26, 2004, 05:56 AM
Number of posts: 26,483

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i just wrote the post above yours tuesday night

and this morning--thursday morning--A SIGN
walking through the living room--hit full on with the scent of my mom's perfume! omg! it's been a few months and how wonderful to pass through that again.

yes, those "little miracles" (i call them "signs") seem to happen far more

infrequently for me as well, as time goes on.

and i hate that. i want her to keep reassuring me, letting me know she's still near, or with me, or connected. i still talk to her and tell her to give me a sign but mostly she doesn't anymore. i get angry--it's not fair that she knows i'm still here but i don't know she is, or so i reason... "fair is fair" i want to remind her--one of her expressions.

occasionally i will still hear her voice in my head--sometimes at random moments--and unexpectedly, and that seems to help me feel closer to her.

one of the most recent occurrences happened when i was crying and was interrupted by her saying "get over it" (another one of her expressions) which was the first time i was given a "hint" (she wasn't exactly the most subtle) that perhaps she finds my prolonged grief a bit exasperating. or tiresome. or she feels i should be stronger than i am at this point. i don't know.

my loss is my mom and it's been a little over three years and i so desperately miss my old life with her--so desperately miss her. we were extremely close, we lived together forever, she was my best friend. and in spite of her apparent silence lately i know she is still with me, hears me, knows what i'm going through. i know this because she loved me (more than anyone else in the world) and that energy of love is what keeps her energy connected to me. (still, the occasional smell of her perfume, or finding a certain trinket on the sidewalk that was one of our running jokes, or having a light flash, or the knocking sound on her bedroom wall--a reassurance/a "proof" that she is still here would be nice. i'll ask her for a sign for christmas. maybe then...)
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