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orleans

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Gender: Female
Member since: Fri Nov 26, 2004, 05:56 AM
Number of posts: 26,558

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mom -- i miss you still...

just hit a four year mark
when my world tragically changed
my life has never been the same
i have read that we choose our parents. if that is true i still grieve for my chosen one



i know i've posted the following elsewhere. now they are together.

"Your Mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, the fragrance of life itself. She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well, she’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning.

"Your Mother lives inside your laughter, and she’s crystallized in every tear drop. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space….not even death.
-----Author unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~

“When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
--Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ROCK ME TO SLEEP by Elizabeth Akers Allen

"Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight,
Make me a child again just for to-night!
Mother, come back from the echoless shore,
Take me again to your heart as of yore;
Kiss from my forehead the furrows of care,
Smooth the few silver threads out of my hair;
Over my slumbers your loving watch keep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!

"Backward, flow backward, O tide of the years!
I am so weary of toil and of tears,—
Toil without recompense, tears all in vain,—
Take them, and give me my childhood again!
I have grown weary of dust and decay,—
Weary of flinging my soul-wealth away;
Weary of sowing for others to reap;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!

"Tired of the hollow, the base, the untrue,
Mother, O mother, my heart calls for you!
Many a summer the grass has grown green,
Blossomed and faded, our faces between:
Yet, with strong yearning and passionate pain,
Long I to-night for your presence again.
Come from the silence so long and so deep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!

"Over my heart, in the days that are flown,
No love like mother-love ever has shone;
No other worship abides and endures,—
Faithful, unselfish, and patient like yours:
None like a mother can charm away pain
From the sick soul and the world-weary brain.
Slumber's soft calms o'er my heavy lids creep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!

"Come, let your brown hair, just lighted with gold,
Fall on your shoulders again as of old;
Let it drop over my forehead to-night,
Shading my faint eyes away from the light;
For with its sunny-edged shadows once more
Haply will throng the sweet visions of yore;
Lovingly, softly, its bright billows sweep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!

"Mother, dear mother, the years have been long
Since I last listened your lullaby song:
Sing, then, and unto my soul it shall seem
Womanhood's years have been only a dream.
Clasped to your heart in a loving embrace,
With your light lashes just sweeping my face,
Never hereafter to wake or to weep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!"


how wonderful you were able to be together for as long as you were

and i'm so sorry for your loss.

i lost my little furgirl early this summer. she was thirteen and came to live with me when she was ten. i knew her for a brief three and a half years and would have given anything to have had known her longer. my heart is still broken.



“When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
--Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet

my favorite smells

(some still are)

playdoh
the smell of a local bakery baking bread, onion stuffing, anything
paste
mimeographed paper
burning leaves (now illegal--some new people in the neighborhood have been doing it last year & this year)
box of crayons
the first time the heat is turned on for the season
my mom cooking anything: steak, turkey, meatloaf, chicken (i loved her cooking)
the christmas tree
my dad's clean starched shirts from the dry cleaners
gasoline
freshly mowed lawn
my mom's face cream
my grandma's closet with a mixture of all her perfumes on clothes
crazy foam (for bathtime)
juicy fruit gum, doublemint gum, bubble gum

is someone sleepwalking and doing this?

did you check your garden to see if any of the soil has been disturbed or dug up?

it's pretty weird
i'm a big believer in ghostie signs and messages (i've had countless ones from my mom since she passed--various types of signs)

have you lost anyone who would possibly be giving you some sort of message or sign with this--?

i know it sounds odd but my mom and i had a running joke about how she liked to clip her bills & mail together with a large silver paper clip and she only had a couple left. she'd give me her bills to mail and tell me to be sure i gave her that paper clip back to her. sometimes i'd tease her and tell her i accidentally mailed it. (oh no!) then i'd give it back to her, we'd laugh and make smart ass comments about it. it was one of those dumb little things that we kept ourselves amused with. when she died i started finding them in random places--not in the house but in places outside the house such as parking lots, sidewalks, floors of stores, on a stage, on a booth seat at a restaurant, or a chair, elevator, etc. i found quite a few the first two years, and even some the third year. maybe only one or two this last year.

i never noticed them anywhere before. pennies yes. occasional nickels and dimes yes. but big silver paper clips? um...no--not that i ever noticed. but when i'd ask her to give me a sign sometimes those paper clips would be the sign she was giving me. she kept the couple she had on the corner of her dresser. so when i started finding them i'd bring them home and put them on her dresser. there is quite a few there now. (not the plastic, colored ones, not the small silver ones--just the large ones. i'm gonna go count them....32! plus one large blue one--blue was her favorite color so i counted that one as a sign.)

anyway, my point is--people would think a rainbow could be a sign, or a bird on a windowsill, a butterfly, or a specific type of flower blooming maybe in cold weather, etc. (and i've had other types of signs as well) but who would ever think large silver paper clips would be a sign? (i would because it was, like i said, a running joke between me & her for several years.) so i'm wondering if what's happening with you could be some sort of sign from someone you knew.

just a thought to add to your mystery.

i recently found this

and wished i could have known about this when i lost my mom four years ago (this month)
i don't know who wrote it. my heart goes out to you.


Your Mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, the fragrance of life itself. She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well, she’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter, and she’s crystallized in every tear drop. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space….not even death.
-----Author unknown

i was going to suggest

"grieving the death of a mother" by harold ivan smith -- i thought this was a nice little book & i was going to tell you that you could probably transfer a lot of what he wrote to losing a father.

then i found another one of his books:
"on grieving the death of a father"
(i haven't read it but you can check it out on amazon, read some of the reviews, order it from your library.)

maybe get a notebook and write down your thoughts/feelings/memories about dad. i read your tribute to him--there's a lifetime of love there, and the love doesn't end. when someone we love dies our relationship with them does not end. it is drastically altered, sometimes tragically, but it's not over. and it becomes our challenge to adapt to the new arrangement/design of what was so set and fixed and familiar. they take a piece of us when they go and i think we not only grieve for them but for the part of us that is now missing - a part that makes us incomplete. and if life was good we grieve over the realization that our life will never be the same.

the most recent book i have to read is "i wasn't ready to say goodbye" and while it isn't specifically a book about losing a mother i can tell by skimming through it and the table of contents that there will be plenty for me to relate to. (and regardless of how long a time we have to prepare for the death of a parent--or anyone--i had about a week--i don't think we're ever completely ready. we just don't realize all the ramifications that we're going to be hit with later on.) maybe i'm wrong. maybe there are the perfect and easy deaths but i've never known one and i've never seen one.

do you believe in "ghosts?"

i do.

and by "ghosts" i mean spirits, the dead/departed who return to communicate with the "living"

has anyone ever seen a ghost/spirit/departed person?

i have.

has anyone ever had a ghost/spirit/departed person speak to them?

i have.

has anyone ever seen/heard/encountered various forms of communication or signs from the departed?

again, i have.

just curious--i figure it's the most appropriate time of year to ask these questions.

i recently read about a boy whose twin sister died at birth. as he got a little older he had an invisible/"imaginary" playmate/person he would talk to. eventually he told his parents the name of his playmate--which (you guessed it) just happened to be the name of his twin who died at birth. the parents had not told the boy about the fact that he had a sister. i don't know when the boy was actually informed about having a twin sister. i do know that he's an adult now and knows that his sister died when they were born. anyway, i thought it was an interesting little story.

so what's your take on ghosty-paranormal things?

When you are sorrowful

"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
--Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet



just wanted to let you know about a book i ran across last night

(i tried posting this but there was a computer glitch or something...anyway...)

i haven't read it (i'm ordering it) but you can find it on amazon (it came out in april)

The Gifts of Grief: Finding Light in the Darkness of Loss by therese tappouni

partial description:
"At some point in our lives, we all experience grief:
The death of a loved one, a financial catastrophe, a debilitating illness, or the ending of a marriage. In the dark moments that follow these losses, life can seem hopeless and unbearable.

"Author Therèse Tappouni knows this journey all too well.

"After suffering the devastating loss of her eleven-year-old son, she ultimately came to the realization that it is possible to not only heal from grief, but to find gifts from the deepest places of despair."
(amazon page)

(the first book i read after my mom passed (about four months later) was called "We Don't Die: george anderson's conversations with the other side" written by joel martin & patricia romanowski which was very comforting to me.)

at any rate--i just wanted to let you know about that book in case you'd be interested in checking it out.
take care.


kanda

i'm so sorry you have begun a journey down a path that must be the hardest one to travel. i wish there were words of comfort or wisdom i could give you or share with you but for some reason all i can think of to say is "Love...it's all about love."

take a deep breath and hold on--the changing of the seasons, every holiday, everyone's birthday, all the firsts, then all the seconds, and any moment that triggers a memory or a familiar feeling or just a thought.

every once in awhile as i'm pulling the car into the garage i experience a one or two second feeling of joy or elation thinking i'm going into the house to see my mom. it's like i forget--just for a moment--that she is gone. then the instantaneous crash upon realizing i'm not going to see her when i go inside--the devastating moment when my brain does a reality check. well, i don't crash as hard anymore and those fleeting, happy moments when i forget she's gone are so precious to me.

people have said it gets better with time. i don't think it's so much that it gets better but that we eventually begin to grow stronger. at least that's how it mostly feels for me. still, i know in some way i keep my guard up even to myself and that if i allow myself the luxury i can fall apart all over again (after all, this month makes it only four years since i lost my mom).

take care.

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