January 19, 2015

i don't want to mess with your belief system but i am so compelled to tell you:

he knows. he knows, he knows, he knows!
he knows how you feel--he knows how important he was to you.
keep telling him, say it out loud, he will hear you. he knows and his soul has always known.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

when i was little i was playing one afternoon when i turned around and saw a relative of mine who had died, probably six months or a year prior. she smiled, she gestured, she spoke to me, she was not floaty or transparent--she was sitting down, and she scared the crap out of me. i hysterically ran upstairs to tell my mom and grandma that my grandma's sister was downstairs! i was so traumatized i didn't remember this for 8 years, but i never went to the basement alone again.

and i was so freaked out by it that my mom and grandma never doubted what i told them (when i was older & my mom would tell this story to someone she'd say i looked like i had seen a ghost, and she'd smile at the irony of the expression--but apparently i was "as white as a sheet" after it happened.)

for years & years & years my mom and i tried to figure out why my great aunt had come to me--i hardly knew her, didn't have any particular attachment to her, etc. so why me?

only within the last few years, after my mom passed, did it dawn on me that maybe she came to me for two reasons: 1. that i was young enough to still see "spirits" and 2. because she wanted to let her sister/my grandma (who she used to go to psychics & mediums with back in their younger days) know that it was all true--we do live on, we don't die.

so, just based on my personal experience with the afterlife, i just wanted to say to you--he does know. he knows every day. (again, just my personal belief--but i hope it helps a bit. i'm still so messed up after losing my mother--in spite of this afterlife belief i have--i miss her in the "now" i want her back in the "now" and therein lies my agony.)

take care, paper roses.

January 19, 2015

my most difficult journey is the path i've been traveling since i lost you

"The heart of grief, its most difficult challenge, is not "letting go" of those who have died but instead making the transition from loving in presence to loving in separation."
---- Thomas Attig


i would think this applies to anyone:


from "grief speaks out" on fb:


















"The dead don't die. They look on and help."
D.H. Lawrence



my friend thinks i have complicated grief disorder (?? maybe i do)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complicated_grief_disorder
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/basics/definition/con-20032765
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/29/health/29grief.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

January 18, 2015

that's so funny. and i thought cats were supposed to be so independent

and yet they seem to have this tremendous separation anxiety

i had cats & kittens when i was little but i don't remember what their take was on the bathroom and the door

i've had dogs since i was a teen & Never had one that gave a rats ass about what was going on in the bathroom. except one dog that was rescued when she was ten years old; for the first year or so she was my shadow and i would leave the bathroom door open--she wouldn't come in but she needed to be able to see me and know where i was. eventually she stopped coming down the hallway to check.

January 16, 2015

i am so sorry to hear about your son.

what a tragedy.

years ago, after my dad died, i went to a bereavement group (once or twice a week for a couple months, offered through my dad's church) and i found it extremely comforting and helpful. my mom & i weren't members but it was offered to family members of parishioners -- she absolutely wouldn't go. but she held up extremely well whereas i was a mess.

i really needed something like that after i lost my mom a few years ago. i could still use it.

again, i'm very sorry about your loss.

January 16, 2015

one of the most repeated pieces of advice from my mom:

always look to see where the exits are

(she was worried about fires i guess)

when i was older (teens, twenties) she was always interested in knowing if i was aware of the the time (especially late at night):

mom: do you know what time it is?
me: yeah
mom: then get to bed!

she was also very keen on telling time:
"it's two-thirty in the morning. get to bed!"
or
"it's after three! get to bed!"

January 14, 2015

back in that era we had vivid lavender walls in our living room

and if my mom had seen a couch with those colors she would have bought it in a heartbeat. as it was, we had two couches--one was a bright green (the other i can't remember), and we had a bright orange chair in the living room too. and a bright yellow desk chair with a desk. also an organ! hey, it was the SEVENTIES!!! (ah, youth...sigh)