March 2, 2018

Disneyland's CEO Makes As Much As His Entire Park's Combined Payroll

Holy fuck this is insane. This has got to change. One guy isn't worth what 9,000 employees are worth.

February 28, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-8: Wheel Of Corruption & The Chamber Of Secrets Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-8: Wheel Of Corruption & The Chamber Of Secrets Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Switch to the Top 10 today and save $620 a year on your car insurance! Man this has been a crazy week. It sucks that Kevin Smith almost died on Sunday but glad to hear he’s making a good recovery. And did anyone see the controversy coming from actor Chris Pratt (Guardians Of The Galaxy) over sending his “thoughts and prayers” to Kevin Smith? Well, people, get a fucking grip, OK? You should read the insanely long rebuttal from GOTG director James Gunn who came to Chris’ defense. But to say thoughts and prayers are meaningless, which we get after a mass shooting, but to say that rule applies in all cases, you’re just being a colossal dick. Now switching subjects, there is one thing I want to talk about. It’s no secret that I love music – as evidenced by the wide variety of musical acts that we’ve had on this program. But there’s one band in particular that I want to talk about for the intro this week, that’s been in the news a lot lately because of a much hyped reunion tour. Yup, I’m talking about the Smashing Pumpkins. And it’s not even really a reunion without their original bass player D’Arcy Wretsky, who has been unavailable for comment lately. And of course you know Billy Corgan has gone off the deep end lately – appearing on lunatic fringe places like Infowars and going full anti-vaccination. But the reunion tour isn’t doing so hot. In fact some places still have an overwhelming amount of tickets left. I mean could it be that this is February and the shows aren’t until August? Or could it be they booked arenas too big for a band who hasn’t toured in 20 years? Or could it be that Pumpkins fans have had enough of this nonsense? Or could it be that Billy Corgan is a hardcore Trump loving conspiracy theorist who wears “CNN Is ISIS” shirts, said fuck you to Anderson Cooper, and had former bandmates compare him to Trump? We don’t know! We’re just guessing! It’s the Justice League of tours – it’s a disaster from the get go, but they’re doing it anyways, because, money, and you know some executive somewhere is getting a nice big fat bonus check! OK that’s enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver explores the upcoming Italian elections and it might be one of his scariest yet:



Hey everybody the Wheel O’ Corruption is back! Yay!!! The kids love the wheel don’t they? And where do we start this week? Well for starters we’re going to dedicate the first slot to recapping the hate on display at the Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC (1). Taking the second slot is of course Gun Nut Apologists (2). And for this entry we’re going to do something a bit different and we’re going to explore the 5 stages of Gun Nut Grief – and in case you’re wondering, no they don’t have any. Taking the third slot this week is the NRA. Wayne La Pierre really screwed the pooch this week and because of that the NRA lost sponsors left and right! Well, it’s at least a start! In the fourth slot this week is the guy currently sitting in the Oval Office – Donald J. Trump. Yes, he had what might be his worst week ever, and he was also forced to stay in DC for the weekend. Taking the 5th slot this week – we have an all new installment of our new ongoing series “Top 10 Investigates” and we’re going to take Tesla’s controversial auto pilot system out for a spin. And you’ll be surprised at what we find! At number 6 is our weekly sermon on all things holy, Holy Shit (6). And this week, we’re going to show you that the Christian right literally became self aware last week. Taking the 7th slot is our old buddy Alex Jones (7). Yeah he sunk to an unbelievable new level of evil last week trying to disrupt the Florida students’ walk out. We’ll recap all the madness there. In the number 8 slot, I have no entry. There’s no news with this entry. And so instead I’m going to use it to refute a popular NRA talking point by showing you a series of clips and videos dedicated to Idiots With Guns (8). In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot we’ve got an all new installment of “People Are Dumb” because well, people are dumb! And finally we’re going to end the World Tour once and for all by coming home! Yes, we’re going to end this bit forever by putting our own country through the World Tour filter! And to close out our Black History Month celebration, what better way to end it then by having our good friends George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic stop by? And they’ve got some brand new music for you, and I can’t wait to hear it! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]CPAC Recap
[br] [/font] [br]

Come on everyone say it with me it’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. And it’s a new year and we have some new items on the wheel! So the Pirates theme from last year is done and this year we’re paying tribute to the Harry Potter franchise! Yes there will be plenty of magic and butter beer a flowing at the Top 10 set this year!

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Poverty
- Chance
- 5,000
- Infowars
- Nazis
- Go Directly To Jail
- Buy A Vowel
- North Korea
- Lawsuits
- Whammy
- Donald Trump
- People Are Dumb
- ‘Merica!
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- A Random Tweet
- 10,000
- Community Chest
- Talk Shows
- Clip Without Context
- Something Random In The News
- Fox News
- Top 10 Investigates
- Polls
- Chance
- Nukes
- Protests
- Intermission
- 15,000
- Bankrupt
- Golf
- The GOP
- Butter Beer
- Community Chest
- Florida (Obviously)
- This Fucking Guy
- Beating A Dead Horse
- Holy Shit
- Guacamole ($1.50 Extra)
- Harry Potter
- T-Shirt Cannon
- ? (Mystery Item)
- I Need A Drink
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s get this going! Spin it to win it! And it lands on… clip without context!





What the what?????? Did he really say that??? Yes he did! Guess the NRA forgot to mail Pat his weekly dividend. Spin it again! And it lands on… the GOP. Well you know it’s no secret that conservatives held their annual Conservative Political Action Conference this weekend in Washington DC. Which means that Trump actually had to spend the weekend in DC. And the madness was out in full force. And it was insane. But not before Trump did a little self congratulating.

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/967526110249537542

In other news - Ronald McDonald has a 93% approval rating among McDonalds patrons, Col. Sanders has a 93% approval rating among KFC patrons, Jack has a 93% approval rating among Jack In The Box fans, and the Burger King King has a 93% approval rating among Burger King patrons. It's the fast food superfecta! I mean come on nobody cares what the other 7% do am I right?





I don’t know… what political party is Zoidberg affiliated with? Probably whichever one has the best buffet. And speaking of buffets, there was a buffet of madness on display at CPAC. I mean would you be surprised Trump lied about something? I’m not!





Yeah two thumbs up! But then things got weird when French, I don’t want to say Nazi. Let’s call her “ultra far right” candidate Marine La Pen, and would you be surprised to learn she’s just like Trump? I’m not!





Because that’s one thing conservatives are known for – not taking breaks from politics! But then there was Megan McCain’s turn to speak and she layed the smackdown on Trump for attacking John McCain’s brain cancer. And if there’s one thing you don’t do – it’s attack the Fox News cult. Once you’re on their shit list, you’re on it for life!





Wait, he can be insulted? And Mehgan I can’t believe you’re shocked by this! For shame! You should have been following this program! See – we know Trump lies so much his lies have their own character and body to them, much like a fine wine. Yes, I’ll have the 2016 Bigly Fake please! Mmmm, that is some good shit! But it’s good to know that our president is trying to unite people in a time of crisis and tragedy.





Oh and this might be one of my favorite stories out of CPAC this weekend – Ted Cruz. Yes that Ted Cruz – painted the Democrats as the party of Lisa Simpson. Do they not realize that Lisa became president after Trump? They even predicted it!






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[font size="8"]Gun Nut Apologists
[br] [/font] [br]

Spin that shit!!! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! And it lands on… chance!



Nice! I get a “Get out of jail free” card. I’ll just put that away for later. Spin it again! And it lands on… guns! People, are we ever going to learn? I think I’ve figured out the five stages of mass shooting grief in this country. And I will explain this with all of the articles and videos in this entry. So the first stage that I’ve come up with to explain Mass Shooting Grief is of course you’re exploiting a tragedy.





No Wayne, we’re actually booing you. Now of course I believe the second stage when a national tragedy like this occurs – which is happening on an almost daily basis now – is to blame the victims.





Yes, you really do suck, sir. And come on, speaking of suck, how unfortunate is it to be strapped with the name Scott Peterson? Seriously. So I think the third stage of Gun Nut Grief is to ignore the calls for a ban on assault weapons.





Yeah you suck, NRA, you jackasses! And then there’s the fourth stage of gun nut grief – threaten to murder those who don’t agree with you!





Because only sane, well adjusted, rational people leave death threats! And it doesn’t take a law enforcement expert to figure that one out. Which leads me to the final stage of gun nut grief: sell more guns!






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[font size="8"]The NRA
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a nice strong spin shall we? Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! No a whammy!!!



Spin it again. And it lands on… guns. Ok so if you go back to the previous entry, Wayne La Pierre really screwed the pooch this week and it caused what some might call a “category 5 shit storm”. So here’s more on what happened.





Hell yeah! But is it really an act of cowardice, NRA? Well, why don’t you just ask your president? I mean he’s clearly the right man for the job!





Someone just saw Rambo! But really Trump? You would run into the gunfire? That would require you to run first of all. I mean you can barely walk a golf course! But back to the NRA – they handled this whole thing very poorly. You might be asking why?





And yes change is scary. But come on we need to do something. And the backlash has already begun. So the NRA held a town hall over the weekend and it was also a category 5 shit storm. So here’s what happened exactly.





Which he brought that same shit eating grin to that meeting. And come on, how do you need note cards to tell you how to feel? I mean this isn’t Futurama!





Yes! Wrong! Fake news! Scripted questions! Everything is fake! And of course the NRA isn’t helping things, and I don think this is the right way to phrase how you got owned.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? Ooh that was a good spin right there. And it lands on…. Ooh look another clip without context!



Quick! To the pedo mobile! Thank you sound effects guy. You know it’s getting harder and harder to take these clowns seriously anymore. Spin it again! And it lands on Donald Trump. So Donald Trump, our 45th president, has been bringing the crazy extra hard this week. But in case you aren’t aware – he is running again in 2020! Mark your calendars! Because early campaigns are always a good thing!





Remember the last time America went through a “winning” phase? Remember how stupid we all thought we were when it was finally over? So what makes this any different than the last time it happened? Well…





That’s right! More Americans trust the guy investigating Trump than they trust Trump! I mean is that how we win so much that we’re going to be sick of winning? That’s right! One guy in the audience going “woo!”. And someone really needs to take Fox News away from Trump. I think his derangement of Hillary Clinton is starting to go meta.




Think of it like this – Fox News knows Trump watches 24/7. They then feed him talking points which he then posts on his twitter feed. It’s a bullshit to bullshit pipeline. But we got to talk about Trump’s speech at CPAC for a minute. Here’s what he started with.





Holy shit! If that’s his opener, what’s his closer going to be? I know! Lets think of this like a concert – he’s already got his greatest hits out of the way and he’s building up to the big finale. What is it you might ask?



Oh yeah called it!!! That’s always his big closing number! I’ll just leave this here.




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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Self Piloting Cars
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Wheel goes round, wheel goes round, and lands on… wait for it… A Random Tweet!

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/967538684789739520

He seriously talks like a valley girl doesn’t he? I mean you could seriously cast Trump in a remake of “Legally Blonde” and it would be exactly the same. Spin it again! And it lands on… Top 10 Investigates! Hit it!



Some of America’s biggest auto manufacturers like Tesla, Cadillac, and Volkswagen, are test driving a controversial new system that will allow cars to drive themselves. But what is it exactly? How reliable is it? Does it give you a higher probability of being killed or injured behind the wheel? These are the answers to the questions that are the biggest draw that is self driving cars.





We picture the auto pilot system to be just like that. But now people are taking the Auto Pilot in a much different direction – coming up with ways to fool it. I mean come on, do you really want to fool your new $100,000 car?



?itemid=5135706

Because of course they will. This is 2018 here. Never underestimate the other guy’s blatant stupidity – even if he owns a $100,000 electric vehicle. Just because you can afford it, does not mean you get to be stupid with it. But as cool as that Space X launch was, Tesla’s controversial auto pilot system so far is failing to impress.





Well, at least the Airplane! auto pilot system was quite a bit better designed than Tesla, and that was in a comedy movie. But why are auto insurers encouraging the use of self driving cars? Maybe it’s because they know they will make more money?





But would you really be surprised that the built in wifi on a Tesla Model 3 can be hacked? This is some next level James Bond type stuff here.





Yes there is always the possibility of cracking. But we’ll leave you with this – when you have a car that is capable of driving itself, expect to see more of this. And this is something we don’t want.



?itemid=8120474

So there you have it. You have a car that drives itself. But not without consequences. That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! And it lands on… another clip without context!



Uh huh sure, blame the victims for not being nice enough to the attacker. How very Christian of you. Spin it again! Holy shit, hit it! Yes friends! Gather around my fair brothers and sisters for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it is our weekly duty to inform you that the holiest among us are also the most full of:



So let me ask you something my fine brothers and sisters of this beautiful congregation of the LAWRD our GAWD… how does the religious right respond to the government? Not that way, sir! So this week, the Christian right became self aware. And how does the organizations who proclaim themselves in the name of JAYSUS handle such a situation?





Yeah booooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! You lose! You get nothing! Good day sir! So Focus On The Family robbed Peter to pay… themselves! They have committed one of the most egregious of sins as outlined here in the good book! And sins must be punished in the name of the lawrd our gawd!!! But what… else… does the Christian right do to become self aware? Why they simply insert themselves into the business of Donald J. Trump.





Heaven’s rule? If this is Heaven’s rule, I would hate to see what Hell’s rule looks like! Thank you my fine congregation! And by the way if this is really the work of the lawrd our gawd… then why is HE fucking up so hard? Well here is more proof of God’s existance!!!





Indeed oh lord!!!!! So are the praying people really as big of asshole as he is? Probably!





Yes indeed! And by the way how great is our gospel choir? Give it up for them!!! But in order to be self aware, you must be free of DEMONS!!!! And that is what our first lady did!





Yes, just ask her! But I hope you get that as a take away from this week’s sermon – demons are bad and not allowed in the White House, OK? Now go forth and spread the word of JAYSUS and our GAWD using the knowledge you have acquired in the Good Book! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? And it lands on…. Go directly to jail? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!



Wait – I’ve got that Get Out Of Jail Free card! Spin it again! Infowars. Shit, do I really have to talk about that shitty channel again? Aw, I’d rather be in jail. Wait, there’s good news about Infowars? But there’s also bad news? OK thanks for clearing that up, Carlos. So here’s at least part of the bad news – we haven’t got to the full story yet – is that Alex is offering up a piping hot dish of some certified grade A bullshit:





Yes…. WTF LOL indeed. Although methinks Alex doth protest too much because this is a whole new level of crazy. You know Alex – he kind of reminds me of a much crazier Riddler. You might have heard the term “crisis actor” floating around the internet last week. Well guess where it originated from? Yup you are correct!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Seriously attacking the victims as “crisis actors” and saying they’re paid protestors. That is a stunning, jaw dropping level of evil. But not entirely unexpected, this is Alex Jones we’re talking about here. The guy who sells led-based protein powder and calls it “bone growth formula”. Oh wait, I’m sorry “TACTICAL bone growth formula”. But here’s where the good news comes in! Alex is treading on dangerously thin ice with Youtube after this fuck up!





Although it is really sad that we have to take time to clarify the bullshit spewing hard and far among the far right conspiracy theorists. And really, if you admit to listening to Alex Jones, first of all – nobody is coming to take your guns away. But someone needs to take you aside for a little chat.






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[font size="8"]Idiots With Guns
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… clip without context!



Yeah sure because we all know demons exist. Just ask that crazy lady from Trading Spouses. Spin it again! And we get… the mystery item! So folks we’re going to have some fun with this. I’m taking a break from talking about all the horrible news going on and we’re going to take a second to refute the NRA’s most famous talking point. Yes – you know the one. “The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun”. So where are the good guys with guns? Well they’re here. This is *cue reverb* “Idiots With Guns”. Ooh, that was some good reverb! And I will ask the NRA – how are more guns going to make us safer, exactly? Can we cue up some music please?



And here we go!









Ready for more?













Oh we’re not done yet!









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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… clip without context!



Go on…………………! Spin it again! And it lands on… oh hey! People are dumb!



I want to start with this story out of Oberlin, Louisiana. Loosiana!!!! So really people, is this where we’re at in 2018? Look, I’ve taken a lot of math classes and I’m sure you all have as well. But have you ever looked at a square root symbol and thought “hey! That looks like something you could shoot someone with!”. So of course widespread panic ensues, because I know what country I live in.





So the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a square root symbol is a good guy with a square root symbol! Maybe that’s why they call it “the sum of all fears”! Hey o! Next up on the subject of guns – you know – don’t bring a corn dog to a gun fight. And why am I not surprised that our old buddy Florida Man is involved?





You’re welcome for that image by the way. Next up – planes. And bad puns. This is an exceptionally bad travel story out of Amsterdam, and if your poop is so rancid that it diverts a flight, you might want to go have your bowels examined.





Hey man we just did Holy Shit! Leave that to Pastor Initech! Next up – fast food. And no it’s not fast food rage, and I do love a good fast food rage story. This is actually more of a fast food marketing fail – would you really want to eat your selfie? Which has me now curious as to whether or not @realDonaldTrump would eat this or not.





Damn straight! Finally this week we’ve got this story involving animal transportation – and this is a story that is actually pretty close to where I live! So… this guy is every conservative redneck cowboy wannabe in a nutshell. I love this so much!





At least Mr. Ed has more brains than our president does! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]World Tour Shithole Edition Destination #6: The United States Of America
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a final spin this week. And it lands on… t-shirt cannon! Unfortunately I don’t have the budget to make and sell t-shirts. If I did you would be getting our Shithole World Tour t-shirt! Yes, it does have the poop emoji on it. Spin it again! Shithole World Tour 2018! Hit it!



Part of our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is to show you that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem with America. No, it’s a global problem that is stemming far and wide, and it’s not just America where conservative idiots ruin everything they touch. And if you’re thinking of moving out of the United States just because Donald J. Trump is our current president and our nation is turning to shit, you should know what it is you’re getting into should you decide that you want to leave the country. Well now things suddenly got interesting! So our world tour got hijacked by Donald Trump, and we’re off on a quest to find if any of the places Trump is suggesting are shitholes are actually shitholes. So here’s the World Tour 2018 Shithole Edition:



[font size="6"]The United States Of America[/font]



Welcome to the United States Of America everybody! This is our very last stop ever of our World Tour, and we decided that we would do something unprecedented. We’re going to put our *OWN* country through our World Tour filter. So of course we know and love the United States whether you’re visiting the insane metropolis that is New York City or stuck in traffic in the crazy freeway system that is Los Angeles. Or maybe you’re visiting the vast mountains of Colorado and Wyoming. Or maybe you’re going to Texas. Or you’re a country music fan who’s visiting Nashville. Or you’re a hip hop fan and you’re going to Atlanta. There is something for everybody here in the Land Of The Free and the Home Of The Brave. We also have the best food in the world and the best fast food in the world. I mean where else can you get a Triple Bacon Whopper and then wash it down with a 45 ounce jug of ice cold Coca Cola? We also have the best entertainment in the world. Come to Los Angeles and watch your favorite band in concert at the Forum or at Coachella. Or go to New York City and catch a taping of your favorite late night talk show host. Or go to Miami and check out all the beautiful rich people hanging out at the beaches. We’re also the home of the road trip! What better summer vacation than to spend it with your family while your kid is in the backseat complaining about how his iPad doesn’t get Wifi reception? So what else is the United States the home of? Well for starters it has a real sexual harassment problem!



https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-58a5be8bed15a3104da3cd35d0573113-c

You know what else the US A is the home of? It’s the home of safe spaces! And one campus in particular has been drawing a lot of controversy for one of the most ridiculous protests yet.





Well you know there’s no such thing as bad publicity. You know what else the USA is the home of? It’s the home of the National Football League. And it’s also the home of NFL players kneeling during the national anthem. And this controversy just will never die!





That is pretty much our reaction too, there, sir. What else is the USA the home of? I know! It’s the home of the state of Florida! And all the crazy shit that comes out of that state! I could sit here all day and show crazy Florida stories. But I don’t have that kind of time! Here’s a few.






And of course we can’t talk about the USA without talking about guns but we’ve already covered that subject pretty extensively in this edition. So we won’t go into that subject. Instead you know what else the USA is the home of? Fast food! And television. And what happens when you combine the two?

"Rick and Morty" fans looking forward to Monday as their day for another chance to score McDonald's once-discontinued Szechuan dipping sauce found themselves fried yet again over problems getting the condiment.

On social media, some fans reported their McD's locations didn't have the promised sauce, had never heard of it or wouldn't provide it to them unless they ordered chicken tenders, not chicken McNuggets.

McDonald's did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

Not all restaurants faced issues. I went to a Seattle McDonald's Monday afternoon and had no problem ordering the sauce with both chicken tenders and chicken McNuggets. The counter staffer knew about it and said it could be ordered with "anything that could be dipped." (Taste-test review: It tastes a lot like a simple teriyaki sauce to me -- fine, but I'd rather have sweet and sour.)

The sauce comes with a complicated backstory. Fans of Adult Swim's cult favorite animated show have been clamoring for McDonald's to bring back Szechuan dipping sauce since the discontinued dip got mentioned on the show in 2017. https://www.cnet.com/news/mcdonalds-szechuan-sauce-burns-rick-and-morty-fans-again/

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[font size="6"]The Verdict & Scorecard[/font]

Our country isn’t perfect but it’s the best we got. Unfortunately the toxic political climate we live in now is making things worse for residents and people looking to move here.

Tourism: A
Culture: A
Political Spectrum: C-
Liberal Appeal: C-

Overall: B-

[font size="6"]Next Week[/font]

There is no next week! We’re finished! Done! Terminado! I want to once again thank all of our amazing hosts for this tour! You have been great! See you next time!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen we are ending our Black History Month celebration the right way! Playing the first new Parliament song in 40 years “I’m Gon Make You Sick O’ Me”, give it up for George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic!



Yeah how about that?

See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
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Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
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HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 21, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-7: 3 Billboards Outside Parkland, Florida Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-7: 3 Billboards Outside Parkland, Florida Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Join our Top 10 Rewards program today for exciting benefits and offers! Ah who am I kidding? I am not going to subject you to that shit! We already get enough of it. But I will give you free Top 10s just for repeat customers. Because unlike Trump, we care. We are back everybody. There's a lot of crazy things happening in the world - whether it's going on in the Olympics or it's Fergie butchering the national anthem. Hey conservatives that's how you disrespect the anthem - it's not by kneeling protests, it's by Fergie. But I really think we need to hold an intervention for Jay-Z guys. Either that or invite him to my next birthday party. So Jay-Z had an epic guys' night out in New York City to celebrate the birthday of his Roc Sports' cofounder Juan Perez. During the course of the night, Jay spent a little over $110,000 for 40 bottles of his own brand of crazy expensive champagne. I really got to find some way to market to rich people - Top 10 Conservative Idiots: gold covered, epic comedy news! Only $40,000 bucks a seat! Come on down to the UCB Theater in Hollywood today! We are elite! OK maybe I need to get a better advertising angle here. But let's go through the tab - he ran through 40 bottles of his "Ace Of Spades" champagne - which totaled $91,000. He even had a $50,000 bottle of Ace Of Spades Rose. Damn, that must have been one hell of a hangover the next morning! And speaking of celebrities and booze, one of our favorites - Ryan Reynolds - bought a gin company. Which is why I'm now extremely proud to introduce to you our own brand of Top 10 Conservative Idiots fortified wine! Yes, it's slightly cheaper than Thunderbird - and in fact we use the same bottle - and it will still get you a good buzz on while you wade through our madness of making fun of Trump and the Christian right every week! And we will sell it at Trump properties, by the way! In fact I have a bottle in front of me right now. Mmmmmmmmm... it's making my eyes water. Why I do believe it tastes like pure gasoline. Maybe slightly better than that. OK enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back and he tears down Trump’s international relations:



Sigh… another week, another mass shooting. I hate to keep talking about guns but as long as they’re in the news, we got to. In the first slot is “Gun Nut Apologists”, and rather than our usual nonsense, we’re going to switch things up and play a game of Gun Nut Bingo! Taking the second slot is the NRA and yes they’ve finally gone off the deep end this week. Meanwhile in Washington, that guy who we still call president Donald J. Trump (3), spent his President’s Day weekend by trashing Hillary and literally politicizing a tragedy. In the fourth slot this week is also Donald J. Trump (4). So while he was having a bad week – possibly his worst yet so far – Mueller laid the smack down and indicted a bunch of Russian nationalists! The plot is thickening, folks! Taking the fifth slot this week is our weekly sermon of all things holy, Holy Shit (5). And this week, Pastor Initech is going to show you all the ways that the Christian right is reacting to the Florida shooting, and it will make your blood boil. In the sixth slot is a new installment of our ongoing series “Top 10 Investigates”. This week – it turns out the paranoid are going to be right and your phone might actually be spying on you! At number 7, we have a new installment of “This Fucking Guy” and this week we’re going to talk about Infowars regular and guy who had his tin foil hat surgically attached, Jerome Corsi (7). At number 8 is also in the realm of Infowars and that is our old buddy Alex Jones (8). See if you can guess how Alex reacted to the Florida shooting, and the answer might shock you! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot we’ve got a new installment of “I Need A Drink”, and this week we’re going to get drunk and talk about a potentially epic crisis brewing affecting our good friends across the pond! Finally this week we’ve got the next to last installment of our Shithole World Tour 2018 and this is going to be a fun one as we’re going to be, as the Beatles would say – back in the USSR! Yes, we’re going to put Putin’s home country through our World Tour filter! Plus continuing our month long Black History Month celebration, we’ve got some live music for you from the one, the only Future! Yes, we’ve got the ATL representing this week! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Gun Nut Apologists
[br] [/font] [br]

Sigh………. Another week, another mass shooting. And the same bullshit about guns has been recycled so much that it’s become mulch at this point. But you know what? Fuck it. This week we’re going to do something a bit different. I hope that everyone got their BINGO cards that were being passed out at the door as you walk into the theater. And for those of you playing at home here’s the game that we will be using:



That comes courtesy of Mother Jones. So with that in mind, we’re going to get interactive here on the Top 10 and a game of Gun Nut Bingo going. Unfortunately I do not have any Top 10 swag to give away but the winner will get the smug sense of self satisfaction knowing they are smarter than your average gun nut! So what’s behind door #1?





OK so who had… “N - politicizing a tragedy”? Everyone? Woohoo!!! Free space achieved! What’s next on the agenda? I know!





OK now things are getting interesting! Who had “G - Legal argument from someone not smart enough to get into law school”? All right excellent! Now we’re getting somewhere! What’s behind door #3?





Hey, Nana is a bad ass, guys! Nana don’t take no shit! And she has zero fucks left to give! OK so who had… “O – Threat to kill you”? I’m getting… you, you, you , you, you, you, you, you, and you sir? Great! Now what’s behind door #4?





Well fucking duh! Of course it ain’t working! But having a TSA everywhere definitely isn’t going to solve this shit! So who had… “B – A good guy with a gun could stop a bad guy with a gun”? You, you, you, you, you, you, and you! You ma’am? Great! Now what’s next?





Yes, Laura, are you proud of yourself? So who had… “I – Guns don’t have minds of their own, you can’t blame them”? You, you, you, you, you, you, sir, and you ma’am. And then what’s behind this door? Ah, Fox News fans of course!





BINGO!!!!! Who had “I – you don’t understand my lifestyle”? Come on up here, sir, ma’am! You win our first ever Gun Nut Bingo!!! Bravo, take a bow!!!



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[font size="8"]The NRA
[br] [/font] [br]

Whew!!! That was fun everybody! Now back to serious shit. Yeah it sucks. Yeah it sucks to become numb to this fucking bullshit. God damn the NRA. It’s like when something like this happens, I almost don’t want to do a Top 10. But I remember the original Top 10 happened in response so I could trash the NRA’s response to multiple mass shootings. It’s been 2 fucking years!!! And nothing has changed. Not a god damn thing. And it doesn’t help that we have Orange Douche in the White House. It sucks that we live in an America where this happens!





Yes, you’re definitely not helping. Wait, sir, we’re not playing Bingo anymore. But I would have accepted “B – Second Amendment!!!1!1” for this story! And he’s not the only one! Remember back in the first season of the Top 10 about an AR-15 raffle (see: Idiots #31 )? Well this isn’t the first time. This country has a gun addiction. And then this happens in Missouri! Well, it’s Missouri.





How do you make fun of this shit? I mean I could joke “if only there were a good guy with a baseball bat present”, but you really can’t do that. And you can’t blame Tide Pods for this like that one asshole did earlier. The only thing to blame is the gun, and people using it. Would you be surprised that Florida’s own governor got an A+ rating from the NRA?





This guy even allows fake guns to be protected! Yes, it’s OK to make a gun out of a Pop Tart, it’s legal in Florida! But there is some good news to come out of the shooting is that they pissed off the wrong students! I am loving the reaction to the NRA from these kids.





And did anyone see that movie 3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri? This movie centers around a real life murder. And someone decided to recreate this last weekend. Let’s call it “3 Billboards Outside Parkland, Florida”. :





Oh and by the way, if this doesn’t make your blood boil, nothing will!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! And then of course Trump’s idiot son Qusay certainly didn’t help things in regard to the Florida shooting:






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

You know what people? Let’s lighten up. This is a comedy show. Let’s do comedy things. This is the 45th president of the United States in a nutshell. Hey, Trump! You’re the president! Be presidential! Lead your country in a time of national tragedy! Oh fuck it, who am I kidding? This is the 45th president of the United States we’re talking about here, would you expect that from him at this point? So this was his agenda last Saturday.





I'm not sure what's more horrifying - Trump using the victims of the Parkland shooting for a photo op, or the thought of him dancing to "Hot Stuff"? And I mean take it from astronaut Mark Whatney – that’s the least disco song there is! So that happened. And how did Trump respond to the Florida shooting? Well in the most Donald J. Trump way possible. Can we throw that tweet up there?

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/965075589274177536

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So that’s how Trump responds – by attacking the FBI for not doing enough!





That was just about the least presidential way Trump could act. And I mean would you expect anything less from him at this point? I know I wouldn’t . After all he’s the president who gave us this:

:large

Which leads me into how he celebrated President’s Day – which as you know is our new national day of mourning when we used to have competent leaders. I miss those times.





Yeah as my British friends would say – bugger off! I mean Trump’s tweets are so bad that the rest of the world is literally telling its’ leaders to ignore them:






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br] ]

President’s Day. That day where you remember presidents by getting great discounts on mattresses and appliances. Well, when we used to have competent presidents anyways. And now we’re stuck with the asshole we currently call “president”. The division in this country right now is so deep that there’s actually a dating website for Trump supporters. And would you be surprised that the featured user has a sex offender conviction? Well, neither are we!





So that happened! While on the subject of President’s Day, remember when presidents used to do presidential things like address the nation with uplifting and inspiring messages in times of crisis? Yeah those were good times, and instead we get this:

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/965676314576543744

Yup – blame the other guy for not doing anything. And let’s face it – it is Donald J. Trump we’re talking about here, would you expect anything less? I wouldn’t. So here’s what he was referring to – on Friday Mueller laid the smack down!





But of course Trump immediately goes to “no collusion”. It’s like he’s a parrot. Wait! Our emotional support parrot Trumpy is here and he’s learned a new phrase!



Yay Trumpy!!! And give it up for Trumpy’s trainer everybody! So Trump is desperate and he’s reaching new levels of evil. But there’s another angle in Mueller’s investigation – a company calling itself the “Internet Research Agency” is something he is looking at.





Damn straight!!! And come on, there’s no good organizations that have the letters “IRA” as its’ initials right? But the noose is tightening on Trump and his election stealing shenanigans. He’s also taking a look at Jared Kushner again:





Tastes great and less filling! And Kushner isn’t the only one – Manafort is also on Mueller’s radar for pulling some insane bank fraud:






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Yes friends! Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened, and it is our weekly duty to remind you that the holiest among us are also the most full of:



Unfortunately this last week is yet another week that ended in tragedy. Although unlike our current president, I will make the most of trying to comfort in this time of need. But not before trashing our brothers and sisters in the Christian right, for their behavior is inexcusable in the eyes of our almighty creator! Like for instance, take this man, Carl Gallup!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So apparently the banning of guns will lead to the anti-Christ! I mean really, isn’t killing people one of the original SINS!!! And it is most definitely a sin in the eyes of our Lord JAYSUS! Can I get an amen???? But there apparently be no greater SIN than the SIN of not being masculine enough, because if there's one thing that the Christian right loves, it's the Rambo franchise!





Yes, David, run into the gun fire! What a great idea! What could possibly go wrong? But of course I now ask my fair congregation – you know why the demons with guns are let loose in the school system? You know why? Take a guess!





Really guys? Our JAYSUS wouldn’t do that! Because our god is a just and loving god and he punishes all sinners. It sayeth so in the Good Book! Can I get an amen??? But apparently this mass of murders happened because we liberals don’t worship JAYSUS enough! And blasphemy is a sin in our Good Book!





Wait until he sees this program! And no, dipshit we’re just demonizing *YOU*. So get over it and move on. For the good LAWRD sayeth “He who doth commit the sin of lying must be punished, for it is the most egregious of sins!!!” it sayeth so in the good book of Blame 6 . Yes, our book has both 69 and 420 in it! We are encouraged to do both! But before we go this week, keep this in mind as you celebrate President’s Day – Trump has made America say “Merry Christmas” again! That’s how you spit in the face of tragedy!





Yes and the LAWRD was truly speechless on this one! Now go forth with the knowledge of how the religious handle tragedies! Next week we will show you how they bend thy rules. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! Or pieces depending on if your church supports thy shotgun or not! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Smart Device Spying
[br] [/font] [br]

We now present to you the best in text-based armchair investigative journalism. It’s now time for a new installment of:



Smartphones. You have one. At times they are the best invention of the modern era, and at times they are also the worst invention of the modern era. And for those of you lucky enough to be able to afford and use a current Android or iOS device, you most likely don’t have to worry about this next subject. But for those of you who can’t afford one, you most likely have a phone from Chinese budget brands Huawei and ZTE.





But for the truly paranoid it might not be just limited to those brands. In fact you may have one of those smart devices in your home from Google, Amazon, and now Apple. There’s even another method to their madness, and sometimes the truly paranoid might actually be right!





Yes, WTF LOL indeed. So keep this in mind the next time you’re looking for a bargain based smartphone or any smart device. But it’s not just limited to Huawei and ZTE phones. In fact all of your phones and devices might be spying on you.





That’s probably the only safe way to talk on the phone these days. Who needs spies when you have smart devices? But it might not just be your smartphone – it might be other smart devices! Your vacuum cleaner!





Yes, it does seem a little crazy indeed. How about your smart medical devices?





Yes, probably. What about your TV?





Again, yes, probably. But while we are pointing out security devices in all the smart products you own, we should point out that the beef between the US government and Huawei might have an ulterior motive.





There you have it. The US government’s beef with Huawei is based on an urban legend. But that doesn’t excuse the spying. Until next time, that is it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Jerome Corsi
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s now time for:



This week’s “This Fucking Guy” award goes to Infowars regular and guy who had his tin foil hat surgically attached to his head, Jerome Corsi. You might know Corsi best for appearing along side Alex Jones and saying things more batshit than he does! In case you’re wondering about the kind of Grade A, USDA certified bullshit that Corsi puts out on a daily basis, here’s some of his greatest hits. And this is just for the last couple of weeks!





So let me get this straight. Hannity is receiving intel from QAnon – an anonymous twitter troll, who then repeats it back on Fox News, and then Hannity says it on air with the hope that Trump is watching and then it shows up in Trump’s daily twitter toilet tantrums. It’s a bullshit to bullshit pipeline! Thank you audience! But that isn’t the only batshit crazy thing Corsi has said lately. Let’s go through some of his greatest hits. I mean come on, Adam Schiff is being targeted because he’s in that super secret pedophile cabal that they’re always talking about. I didn’t know that!





Quick! To the pedo mobile!



Thank you sound effects guy! We can’t make fun of the right wing enough for this shit because they deserve it every time they bring up “rampant pedophilia”. And then there was this.





Think of it like playing a really fucked up game of “Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon”. Except there’s just one degree and Kevin Bacon is a satanic pedophile. You know one of these days I want to do an all “THIS IS WHAT INFOWARS REALLY BELIEVES IN” edition. Because they believe in some fucked up shit. Like you know Infowars loves them some false flags. Remember the GOP train attack? False flag!





Or how about that Russian plane crash last week? Guess what? False flag!





Come on, even Steve Harvey thinks you’re crazy! So we have satanic pedophiles, false flags, and cover ups. That’s Jerome Corsi, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
[br] [/font] [br]

Fuck, just once I was hoping I wouldn’t have to talk about Alex Jones and his stupid show. What? I don’t want to! Make me! OK, fine, Carlos. I will. What? You can’t prove it! That’s Carlos, our producer, everybody! Well, anyway, Alex Jones called the latest school shooting a “false flag”. Which should come as a shock to, um, absolutely no one. Especially followers of this program. Aurora? False flag. Sandy Hook? False flag. Orlando? False flag. San Bernardino? False flag. And now Parkland? False flag.





Yes he is fucking crazy. Really, Alex? All of these shootings are false flags? Tell me more! Well, it certainly wouldn’t be the most hair-brained thing he’s cooked up lately. He’s in some deep paranoia about the “deep state”.





Normally I don’t like showing the clips but we got to show this one because it’s exquisite:



INVEST IN OUR INFOWARS BRAND TACTICAL CURRENCY! IT NEVER DROPS AND YOU’LL NEVER BE BROKE!!!! We got to keep this operation afloat here people! Well, anyway, back to the Florida shooting, while the rest of America was shocked and horrified at the events of what happened, Alex got a gun and he was showing it off.





Can we show that?

https://twitter.com/RealAlexJones/status/963881491578130435

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Wow, you know Alex, timing is everything, and you lost big time. And he loses even further because this is who he chooses to blame. Yup, it’s us.







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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s now time for:



Whew, man, I need a drink this week. This week got particularly dark. So tell me, bartender, what goes well with KFC? A Bloody Mary with chicken nuggets? No thanks I think I’ll stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack. So this week while Cape Town recently received the alarming news that its’ city only has a finite supply of drinkable water left, our friends in the UK are facing a shortage that’s equally as alarming.





Damn straight! And I mean come on people it’s fucking KFC! At least in America when we eat shit it’s because it’s late at night, we’re drunk, and that’s usually the last recourse before vomit. But seriously people don’t go and create chaos. That’s what the Joker does!





Well, at least it’s good to know that there’s no shortage of bad puns in the UK. And it’s also good to know that they won’t compromise on quality. But really people don’t get the police involved. They have much more important things to do than to fulfill your cravings for grease.





Well the chicken from the local butchers is probably a step up in quality. I mean it’s fucking KFC people! At least in America we know shitty food is shitty food, and you know what? We’ll eat it anyways because that’s what we do here. And you know what? When one place runs out of shitty food we go to the next place that serves shitty food. Because it’s late, we’re hungry, and we don’t give a shit! It’s the American way, damn it! At least in Europe you have the option of eating much better food because they banned high fructose corn syrup. Or maybe not.



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[font size="8"]World Tour Shithole Edition Destination #5: Russia
[br] [/font] [br]



Part of our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is to show you that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem with America. No, it’s a global problem that is stemming far and wide, and it’s not just America where conservative idiots ruin everything they touch. And if you’re thinking of moving out of the United States just because Donald J. Trump is our current president and our nation is turning to shit, you should know what it is you’re getting into should you decide that you want to leave the country. Well now things suddenly got interesting! So our world tour got hijacked by Donald Trump, and we’re off on a quest to find if any of the places Trump is suggesting are shitholes are actually shitholes. So here’s the World Tour 2018 Shithole Edition:



[font size="6"]Russia[/font]



Ah, stupid Youtube copyright laws. I wanted to include the Beatles’ classic tune “Back In The USSR” because that would be perfect for this entry. Of course you know Russia. It’s all over the news right now because of one man: Robert Mueller. Who we will get to in a minute. But first it is always our duty to tell you more about Russia. Russia is the single largest country in the free world. Its’ major cities include Sochi, St. Petersburg, Vladviostock, and of course the capital Moscow. It’s the home to the national airline Aeroflot, which also owns and operates many Russian manufactured aircraft and that includes Russian manufacturers Illyushin, Tupolev, and Yakolev, and it’s also the home of the world’s largest aircraft currently in operation – the Antonov AN-225! Now as far as landmarks go, Moscow is the home of a world wonder – the Kremlin. It’s also the home of the Trans-Siberian Railway – as once famously profiled in Agatha Christie’s classic novel and recent flick starring Josh Gad and Kenneth Branagh – Murder On The Orient Express. Russia is also the home of Red Square – at one point the center of Russian activities which included military parades (something Trump loves) and public executions – something Trump doesn’t say he loves but probably thinks it. But what else is Russia the home of? Why it’s the home of a whole lots of people about ready to go down!





Thank you minions! And then there’s this where the infamous Troll Bot Army finally has a name – they’re called the “Internet Research Agency”.





Oh come on, guys! Nothing good has the words “IRA” associated with it! And this begs the question – which came first? The troller or the trollee? And if you troll the trollers, does that make you a troll as well? But hey! You know foreign elections aren’t the only thing Russia has targeted. They’re also going after hockey games!



?noredirect

You know what else Russia is the home of? It’s the home of an Olympic doping scandal that got the whole country disqualified from multiple games. And you know what? They’re doing it again! I mean you can’t keep a good addict from doing their thing!





Oh and come on it’s curling! It’s the only sport where your opponent can literally quit and walk off the court in the middle of the match! Just… fuck it, I’m done! Speaking of that, even Russians themselves are sick of the election meddling scandal and wish it would go away. Well, they kind of brought it on themselves.





[font size="6"]The Verdict & Scorecard[/font]

I’d say how I really feel about Russia but come on we’re not going to judge the people of this country based on how shitty their leaders are! I mean what would that make us?

Tourism: C
Culture: A
Political Spectrum: D-
Liberal Appeal: D-

Overall: D-

[font size="6"]Next Week[/font]

This is it! Next week is the very last World Tour stop ever! We are officially going to retire this bit forever, but before we do – we are going to do something unprecedented. Yes, we are going to put our own country through our World Tour filter – and we are coming home to visit the United States!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Future[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, representing the ATL, his latest album is called “HNDRXX”. Playing his song called “Mask Off”, give it up for the one, the only Future!





Yeah how about that?

See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
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Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
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Future Appears Courtesy Of: Epic Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 At: @DUInitechTop10


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 14, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-6: I Fought The Shut Down (And The Shut Down Won) Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-6: I Fought The Shut Down (And The Shut Down Won) Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Top 10 Conservative Idiots has been proven to have a +-1% difference in reliability over the next 4G LTE carrier. Switch today and save! You know I want to talk about something cool for the intro again. I wanted to talk about emotional support animals and that Spirit Airlines story, but fuck that story. I’m done with emotional support animals. Instead I want to talk about something I’m sure we all love – Marvel Studios. Yes, this week marks the release of what looks to be one of Marvel’s best yet – Black Panther. Did you get the Kendrick Lamar produced soundtrack? So good!!! OMG, all the best in hip hop contributed – the Weeknd, Schoolboy Q, Anderson Paak, SZA, 2 Chainz, Vince Staples, I could go on and on! I’m getting off topic here. Oh and BTW - we will definitely be featuring more hip-hop, R&B and soul this year! What I really wanted to fanboy out on for a second is that Marvel took a class photo. Can you believe it’s been 10 years since the first Iron Man came out? We can’t either! But this photo is seriously amazing. 10 years of Marvel all in one picture. Can we show that?



How fucking cool is that? You’ve got everyone from Robert Downey Jr (Iron Man), John Favreau (Happy Hogan), Scarlett Johannsen (Black Widow) and Gwenyth Paltrow (Pepper Potts) to Chris Hemswoth (Thor) and Tom Hiddleston (Loki), to Chris Evans (Captain America) and Anthony Mackie (Falcon) to Chris Pratt (Star Lord) and Zoe Saldana (Gamora), to Chadwick Boseman (Black Panther) and Idris Elba (Heimdall), Vin Diesel (Groot), Jeff Goldbloom (Grandmaster), Mark Ruffalo (Hulk), Tom Holland (Spiderman), Kurt Russell (Ego), Samuel L Jackson (Nick Fury), Benedict Cumberbatch (Dr. Strange), Paul Rudd (Ant-Man), even directors like James Gunn and John Favreau are in the mix. Even Stan Lee himself has a cameo! Well done, Marvel. That was a truly amazing way to cap 10 years of movies. Damn, I still can’t believe it’s been 10 years. I remember seeing the first Iron Man in the theater. All right enough of the intro. We got a lot of idiocy to get to this week but first Bill Maher had a brilliant new rule last week about Trump’s lack of comprehension:



Taking the top slot this week is Kentucky Senator and before picture in a hair restoration ad, Rand Paul (1). Because he attempted to fight a pending government shut down, and the shut down won! Taking the second slot this week is Mike Pence (2). Meanwhile at the Olympics, Mike Pence made an ass of himself when he refused to stand for the host country. Taking the third slot and only occupying a single slot this week is the guy we call president, Donald J. Trump (3), and whew, this one is a doozy. In the fourth slot is “Conservatives React To Obama’s Portrait” (4) and they are firing on all fours on the batshit crazy. After this, why do they think they get more power over us? Taking the fifth slot, we’ve got a new installment of our new series Top 10 Investigates (5). And this time we’re going to take you to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula and introduce you to the town of Bay View, a town where only fundamentalist Christians are allowed to own property. And – wait for it – you must show proof! At number 6 is our weekly sermon of all the crazy things the Christian right has been up to in “Holy Shit” (6), and Pastor Initech is going to explain how the Christian right loves to blame the victim, because, Jesus. At number 7 is the Alt Right (7) and they’re up to their usual bag of tricks, and we’re going to write some white supremacist Valentine’s Day cards. Taking the 8th slot, I just want to take a few minutes and gloat about how election stealing creepy weirdo Julian Assange (8) and his multiple attempts to fight the law, while hanging out in an embassy, and the law keeps handing him his ass! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot, we’ve got a new installment of “People Are Dumb”, because, well, people are dumb, and there were some incredibly stupid ones this week. Finally this week we’re continuing the Shithole Edition of our World Tour 2018 and we’re going to the South American nation of Chile! Yes we’re making up for last year! Is it a shithole like Trump says it is? Well there’s only one way to find out! Plus it’s finally February and we’re celebrating Black History Month here at the Top 10. And we’re going to top things off with a live performance to get you in the mood for Valentine’s Day from Rhianna! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Rand Paul
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So while you were sleeping or likely passed out on Friday last week, Kentucky Senator and before picture in a Hair Club For Men advertisement, Rand Paul, attempted to fight the shut down. Hey, just remember – he’s not only a spokesperson, he’s also a client! And another shut down, another loss for both sides, and the rest of the world is most likely laughing at us. So here’s what happened exactly.





Yeah really, Rand? $700,000 to find out what really happened on the moon? Are you fucking kidding me or are you just pulling this out of your ass? And if you’re guessing that this couldn’t be worse timing you are correct!





Yes d’oh!!!! Of course they would lie! I mean this is 2018, we live in a world where facts don’t matter anymore! But it is fun to see what happens when these assholes get called out on their lies!





So Rand Paul fought the shut down, and the shut down won. Come on everybody sing it with me – “I fought the shut down, and the shut down won! I fought the shut down and the shut down won!” Eh, doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? And here’s how the shut down won.






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[font size="8"]Mike Pence
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Yeah it’s Olympics time! I mean what better way to witness the coming together of nations around the globe to put aside their differences and compete in games like the Luge and the Triathlon? Well, there was one guy in the audience during the 17 hour opening ceremony who wouldn’t put aside his difference – particularly with one country. And that’s our Vice President, and guy who has to ask mother if he’s been a good boy today, Mike Pence. Yeah I could have seen Alfred Hitchcock casting him in Psycho. Well, any way here’s what happened.



There’s no meme or clip here because I want to point out what happened when he attempted to protest anthem kneeling back last October:



Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So kneeling bad, sitting good? That’s the take away I’m getting here. So was this a good move for Pence and the Trump administration? No!





Yes d’oh indeed! So I don’t know what they were trying to do here, but it didn’t work regardless of what Mikey was trying to accomplish. So not only did the asshole embarrass America more than he embarrassed North Korea, he’s doubling down on his assholery!





Yeah I can imagine it’s only going to go down like that! So thanks to the arrogance of our grossly incompetent administration, we might have an international incident on our hands! But you know, Hillary’s e-mails, and such. And I mean come on bro, are you gonna leave me hanging?





So let’s get this straight. In one breath, Pence condemns kneeling protests, but then commits a kneeling protest of his own! The hypocrisy reeks with this one. I mean to call Mike Pence a horse’s ass, is really an insult to horse’s asses. At least the horse’s ass produces fertilizer, something that’s useful. But really, he shouldn’t have come at all.





Yeah seriously the only hot air was coming from our Vice President, and it was so much hot air that it cancelled the Alpine Skiing competition! That’s a lot of hot air! But what would happen if Mike Pence did encounter North Korea’s leaders at the Olympics? Let’s examine that angle.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Sigh………….. yeah I got to talk about this story for a minute. But I really don’t want to. But it’s another pattern in a long line of disturbing behavior coming from the man who sits in the Oval Office who we currently refer to as “president”. But before we go there I want you to know that Trump’s got his own magazine in the works!

https://twitter.com/EricTrump/status/961988534092619776

Well, to be fair, this certainly wouldn't be the worst thing a Trump has done with a magazine! Hey o!!!! Thank you I’m here all week! Don’t forget to tip your waitress! But joking aside, there is a serious matter we need to discuss.





Of course he denied it! I mean what’s he going to do? Just go “Yeah… I did it!”. Because that happens, um, fucking never! But it’s not just Porter – there is beginning to be a pattern here, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.





Yeah what the fuck???? You know it’s a long standing Top 10 policy that we don’t talk about or joke about cases of horrifying abuse. But when they involve our president, and they contradict everything he says, we have to feel fucking empowered! Thank you! And you know what they say about always judging a person by the company they keep!





Even Steve Harvey is giving you a WTF look, and when he gives you a WTF look, he means it! And we’re not going to post pictures or anything because we don’t want to encourage this kind of behavior. But then again it gives yet another glimpse into the man who is currently serving as our commander in chief. But you think this is only isolated to Rob Porter. But it definitely isn’t! Behind door #2:





Yes… holy shit!!!! Quick! To the Pedo Mobile!!



Because we always make fun of GOP conspiracy theorists and how they’re going to out some super secret pedophile cabal that’s been operating under our noses this whole time. And so far they’ve been going about it the same way Wiley Coyote attempts to catch the Road Runner. But it looks like the tide might be turning in this endeavor. So far we’ve caught more child molestors and abusers than they have, and it doesn’t take much effort!






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[font size="8"]Conservatives React To Obama Portrait
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There really isn’t enough batshit crazy for this one. And it might be a new low for Sean Hannity, and this is in the same month he had that epic clusterfuck (See: Idiots #4-5 ). But Hannity doesn’t just run away with his tail between his legs when he knows he’s been defeated. Instead he’s like Popeye – he downs a can of Covfefe and comes back with twice the batshit! And really? The Obama presidential portrait? That’s what you’ve got to attack? Never mind that our rights and civil liberties are being stripped one by one, Obama has a portrait! Squirrel???





In this case, Hannity is *REALLY* making love to the canvas! Excuse me a minute! I feel better! I mean that’s all they got? And why is the first thought “sperm”? I mean are we living in that movie “There’s Something About Mary”? I think Hannity could call this “There’s Something About Obama”, although I do like that graphic! But there’s more to this of course!





I hear Hannity might be looking for an attractive blonde cohost. And by the way if there’s no band starting tomorrow called “Secret Sperm”, I will have lost all faith in the internet! And we might be picking on Hannity for insane conspiracy theories surrounding the Obama portrait (trust us – we are) but he’s not the only one cooking up crazy theories surrounding the portrait!





And our good friend Alex Jones has also repeated this insane theory about the Obama portrait and sperm:





Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…. In this case I don’t want to know what a happy accident is! And by the way I want to introduce to you my new band “Secret Sperm”! And we’ll be playing our debut album “Ritual Of Abomination”! One night only! And Jerome Corsi also took things in a very dark direction, like he does. We may have to profile him in “This Fucking Guy” sometime.



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I don’t know why but Hannity’s insane theory suddenly makes innocent Bob Ross clips sound that much creepier. Don’t try to picture that when you go home tonight! I repeat! Don’t do it! “Yes, just ejaculate on the pallet. Now take your sperm, mix it with some blue paint… and then we want a nice little smudge in the bottom right corner. That will just be our little secret!” Whew, this might be the dirtiest entry I’ve ever done! Now… just to get that image out of your head, here’s an article about a guy on the US Men’s Curling team who looks like Mario!








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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Bay View, Michigan
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Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. Now let’s go to a place in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, where it would give a glimpse of what a nationwide take over by the religious right would look like in the future. Or a second term of Donald J. Trump, whichever comes first. The town of Bay View was founded in the year 1875 with the premise of advancing scientific and intellectual culture and the religion of Christianity. Really? Wouldn’t those two things cancel each other out? In fact this sleepy community made some big news because of a recent lawsuit.





Yes, Jesus saves, and saves you money. So this sleepy town sounds like the idyllic community for those stuck in 1950’s nostalgia sitcoms. Everyone goes to church. Everyone has boats. Everyone comes home to a nice home cooked meal. Until you see that last line – you must obtain letters from ministers testifying to your active participation in a church. Yes, cue the horror music.





Well, to be fair, at least they got rid of the racist requirement. I mean it only took them 100 years of progress to do so, but it had to be done, damn it! But there’s more to this sleepy northern town than meets the eye. And you know why does the way this town is run remind us of the way Sanford is run from the movie Hot Fuzz? It’s all for the greater good!





So Bay View is a model village. Does that mean that they have their own tiny model village of their own like in Hot Fuzz? Just like that movie, as you peel back the layers, you see something much more sinister lurking in the shadows.





Yes because that’s what big city people think of small towns far away from civilization. It’s like that movie “Get Out” – eventually they’re going to run around screaming “Get Out” at you. So why would one want to get out of this small town? Well, remember back to when we said that the race restriction was removed? Well, they just imposed it somewhere else.





We can imagine that’s a typical day in Bay View. But this might be one insight into how a small town government like this works. But it would be nice to see a town without a Wal-Mart or Whole Foods, or anything else.





There you have it. A town so bent on controlling its’ citizens that it can’t bear the thought of being challenged in court. That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. See you next time!




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened. It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For it is our weekly duty to tell you why the most devoted of us are also the most full of:



Now remember that last segment from our good friends at Top 10 Investigates? You know we here at the Top 10 qualify as a church! Of sorts. And I, Pastor Initech, will gladly sign a release if you want to purchase a cottage! And in case you’re wondering, I am more of a pastor than a guy who actually *IS* a pastor! And I only wish that the good lord JAYSUS had written down a story like this in the Good Book as an example of what *NOT* to do!





Uh huh, sure. Keep telling yourself that, Pastor! Nothing to see here! Well, apparently, according to GAWD, the creator of all that is good and holy, his SON Donald J. Trump, must be remaking the world in his divine image! But we all know that lying is a SIN!!!! And sins must be punished!!!





Yes because even JAYSUS has had enough of your madness! I mean is Trump really the religious guy everyone thinks he is? No!!! Because blasphemy is one of the most egregious of SINS that you can commit here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10 and that is a one way ticket to the most darkest of places!!! Can I get an amen??? But the Christian right loves them some conspiracy theories, don’t they?





Now you know Brother Paul, that is so stupid! And stupidity is one of the most egregious of sins and it will send you to the darkest of places! Can I get an amen???? But the Christian right loves to do some victim blaming as you will clearly see by today’s message!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! You sir are a liar!!! Because hypocrisy in the eyes of the LAWRD hath cast the first stone. It even says so, I looked it up here in the Good Book! Hypocrities Chapter 32 Verse 5. And how great is the Top 10 Gospel Choir? Give it up for them! But they also love some transparency. Not Transparent, sir! I actually think the Christian fundamentalists probably hate that show!





But in the good book, it sayeth “And the lord, even under the guise of thine own stupidity, one must still seeketh forgiveness from thy lord JAYSUS.” Nehlame 24: 7. But while we must partake in the sin of projection, we should be aware that even JAYSUS would just give a giant facepalm if he saw what thy were doing in thine image!





Because even the good LAWRD!!! Our GODD!!! Has no idea what to make of these egregious allegations even though they aren’t mentioned anywhere in the Good Book! That’s the take away you should get from today’s sermon! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]The Alt Right
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The Alt Right has been up to their usual bag ‘o tricks lately and it should be no surprise to anyone, especially regular viewers of this program, that they are not ashamed in flashing their racism out in the open like hookers on Las Vegas Blvd during a bachelor party. Hey, they’re open with it. So two prominent figures in the Alt Right – your racist uncle’s racist uncle Richard Spencer, and Patriot Prayer – got their asses handed to them last week.





Yes, yes universities! Let the hate flow through you! You must give in to the Dark Side! And yes, we do have cookies! And who’s better at recruiting people to the Dark Side than Patriot Prayer? Because you know it has two things conservatives love in the name, and we’ll let you guess!





And well the hate is well on display here. By the way, anyone remember the Kent State republicans who I profiled last season (see: Idiots #3-19 )? In case you’re wondering the protest against safe spaces backfired on them spectacularly:





And then there’s 4Chan – you know that website your cousin Timmy spends way too much time talking about. They also went full racist, and here’s more:





So since 4Chan is going all in on the racist card, what would some 4Chan valentines look like? “Pepe The Frog loves you!”. Or maybe “It’s OK to be white. Let’s be white together on Valentine’s Day!”. Or maybe “I have 14 words to say I love you.” The candy hearts really highlight the 14 words don’t they? This one is my favorite – “Be my 88!”. With a Hitler moustache! Nein! But really they’re not racist! Oh and by the way, 8Chan, while you’re too busy trying to figure out how to “trigger” us, we’re too busy doing that thing called “voting” and “winning elections”!



By the way, before we move onto the next entry, 4Chan and 8Chan, I seem to have misplaced something in my jacket. Let me go get it.




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[font size="8"]Julian Assange
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I couldn’t love this next story more, and it involves future James Bond villain Julian Assange. So let’s go back a few weeks because this couldn’t be any more insane. If there’s any proof that the Matrix exists and that we’re trapped in it, Assange is a real life Agent Smith. Well, the Ecuadoran embassy in London doesn’t want him, and London wants to indict him. Yes, kids, this is what we adults would refer to simply as a “clusterfuck”. Here’s more:





But before we can gloat any further, let’s do one of those things from movies and roll back and explain how we got to this point. I don’t think I’ve covered that slippery weasel enough here, because fuck that guy, but here’s some of the ways that we got here while Assange has been in exile:





And who lies more than Julian Assange does? Well maybe Donald Trump, but that’s beside the point! Also, you know it’s generally not in our nature to kick a man when he’s down… ah fuck it, that’s all we do here! Plus think about the horror that Assange has wrought on the world! He deserves it! And by the way are we really surprised that Roger Stone wants to be BFFs with Assange, or is he really just a classless jackass? I say both!





You know if you were to look up the word “tool” in the dictionary you would see a picture of Roger Stone and Julian Assange. They’re both tools! But in case you’re wondering why Ecuador wants to kick him out, look no further. Oh and by the way Infowars fans, this is what a real conspiracy looks like!







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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Oh you know what time it is? It’s time for this!



And of course Depeche Mode schedules a stop in my home town, on the day of my calculus final. Grr. Yes so of course you know by now you know that people are people, and people are dumb. So who’s dumb this week? Why don’t we start in our favorite state of Florida because why not? You know I’ve been to my local Goodwill Store hundreds of times, never saw this:





Yeah maybe it was that guy who donated the grenade launcher! Next up – a new category that we haven’t explored here yet – dumb professors! So how are you a university professor and you don’t know that Australia is a single country? Well let’s explain.





Yeah come on has that guy not seen The Simpsons? Next on People Are Dumb – our good friend Florida Man! Or maybe Florida Man’s wife Florida Woman! Of course you know the Super Bowl is the best game around, and this time around what happens when you fight during the Super Bowl? Might want to call Jerry Springer for this one!





Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Next up in People Are Dumb – we go to the Florida of the North – Wisconsin. So we all get it, we have loved ones, they die. And it sucks but it’s a part of life and we have to accept it. But do we really need to bring fucking pizza into the mix? If I’m planning Nana’s funeral I can guarantee the last thing I want would be a slice of pepperoni supreme!





Right, what situation isn’t improved by pizza? Deadpool knows what’s up! And come on, Nana didn’t skimp on the toppings, let’s not kid ourselves here! Finally this week for “People Are Dumb”, here’s a real life Rocket Man! Remember this guy from last year? Well he’s back! And he was proved wrong by Elon Musk!





Why does Wiley Coyote keep using Acme products if they keep failing? Does he have a buy one get one free card? Does he have a credit card? Is he part of some rewards program? Does he get frequent flyer miles and access to presale concert tickets? I want to know! Anyway that’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]World Tour Shithole Edition Destination #4: Chile
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Part of our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is to show you that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem with America. No, it’s a global problem that is stemming far and wide, and it’s not just America where conservative idiots ruin everything they touch. And if you’re thinking of moving out of the United States just because Donald J. Trump is our current president and our nation is turning to shit, you should know what it is you’re getting into should you decide that you want to leave the country. Well now things suddenly got interesting! So our world tour got hijacked by Donald Trump, and we’re off on a quest to find if any of the places Trump is suggesting are shitholes are actually shitholes. So here’s the World Tour 2018 Shithole Edition:



[font size="6"]Chile[/font]



It’s good to be back in South America everybody! Of course if you were familiar with last season at all you know we had to bail on Chile due to a holiday, so we were off that week. Well this is a makeup date for Chile. Of course you know Chile as the Texas of South America if only for the strikingly similar use of the one star on its’ flag. Chile is of course the home of the former brutal dictator Augusto Pinochet, but let’s not focus on that. Let’s focus on what Chile is the home of. It’s the home of some of the wildest and most extreme nature on earth – you’ve got glaciers, mountains, desert, jungle, geysers, some of the most beautiful beaches in the entire world. It’s also home to one of the highest elevations in the world and one of the lowest elevations in the world. Chile is also the home of one of the world’s original wonders – Easter Island, and yes you know them as the home of those famous statues. It’s also home to the driest place on earth – the Atacama Desert. It’s the home of major cities Santiago (the capital) and the hillside city of Valparaiso. And it’s also the home of the Andes Mountains and to Easter Island – which was once famously explored by Charles Darwin. But you know what else Chile is the home of? Let’s say meet the new boss – same as the old boss!





Yes, meet the new boss, same as the old boss! I swear Putin is filling this world what seems like a bunch of James Bond villains. I mean we got Erdogan in Turkey, Duterte in the Philipenes, and now Pinera in Chile! I mean could it get any worse?





Yeah they banned Tony The Tiger to help curb obesity. That’d be like banning Scrooge McDuck to help curb excessive greed! Good job guys! So why do big businesses suddenly have a massive interest in Chile? Well it could be because of this!





That is a good point, Morpheus! But unlike here in America, at least Chile embraces its’ natural beauty and its’ natural parks system which makes it home to some of the best hiking in the world!





There is a Simpsons GIF for everything! But in America we look the other way while American corporations ravage our natural beauty! But there’s one difference between Chileans and Americans – when you’ve been through one of the worst brutal dictators in American history, you learn a thing or two about how to stage a fucking protest!





[font size="6"]The Verdict & Scorecard[/font]

Is Chile a shithole? Well some ways yes and some ways no. Sadly Putin got to the South American country so see it before it turns into a shithole!

Tourism: A
Culture: A
Political Spectrum: C-
Liberal Appeal: C-

Overall: C

[font size="6"]Next Week[/font]

We’ve got just two more stops on our Shithole World Tour and then we’re done. Next week is a good one as we’re going to visit Russia!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Rhianna[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen continuing our celebration of Black History Month, we’re going to get some music for all the lovers out there! Her latest album is called “Anti!”, and playing her song “Love On The Brain”, give it up for Rhianna!




Yeah how about that?

See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: City National Grove Of Anaheim, Anaheim, CA
Special Thanks To: City National Grove Management
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Chile Hosting: Produciones Nacional, Santiago, Chile
Rhianna Appears Courtesy Of: Roc Nation Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 At: @DUInitechTop10


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 7, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-5: Better Dead Than Red State Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-5: Better Dead Than Red State Edition

Ed. Note - due to a scheduling conflict at our home venue, we're bringing you the Top 10 a little bit early this week! Now on with the show!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Fly Eagles Fly! Fly Eagles Fly! Fly Eagles Fly! Fly Eagles Fly! Fly Eagles Fly! Whew!!! I’m celebrating like I won the Super Bowl! And my team was out of the playoffs for what seemed like an eternity ago, didn’t it? I mean how great was it to see the unbridled joy wiped off Bill Belicheck’s face? That guy really is a man of 1,000 emotions isn’t he? I actually saw a meme where it said “Who wore it better? Bill Belicheck or Emperor Palpatine?”. And what the fuck was up with Kevin Hart at the end? Did he really think he won the Super Bowl? Or was he going to pull a Kanye West and be like “Carson Wentz isn’t the real MVP, Chris Long is the real MVP of this shit!” And then he goes on the NFL Network to air his thoughts on the game. But my favorite thing is on Monday he went on TV and was like “Kids, alcohol is bad for you.”. And then there was Eagles fangirl Jennifer Lawrence who was on a Delta flight from New Orleans and was trying to get on the plane’s intercom system getting a “Fly Eagles Fly” chant going, only to find she was the only one doing the chanting. Which begs the question - if one person leads a chant and nobody cares, did it really happen? And then there was the Patriots. Yeah Tom Brady, you put up a good fight, and you can rest assured that you don’t have to go to the White House to meet Trump. Yeah remember when we had a president who wasn’t a raging asshole? Those were good times. And then there were the ads which we will get to in a minute. But the parties in Philadelphia were fucking insane. I saw one tweet where this guy said “Philadelphians chased cops out of downtown! Savages!”, which I am saying to this guy: “U mad bro?”. And then there was the guy who ate horse shit. Which is a shame, because that guy will now be famous for the rest of his life as the Eagles fan who literally ate horse shit! OK enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first Bill Maher is back and he completely slams Trump’s wall in his New Rules segment:



Ladies and gentlemen, returning to the number 1 slot after a long absence this week is our president, Donald J. Trump (1)! Bravo, well done! So what’s he been up to this week? Well, he released the memo, and as expected it was a colossal shit show! Taking the second slot of course is also Donald Trump (2) – ah, fuck, who cares about his Nazi parade? SpaceX launched a rocket into orbit, how awesome is that? We will tell you all about it! At number 3, we’re going to introduce you to Illinois congressional candidate Arthur Jones (3). If you don’t know who he is, you will. And let’s just say we’re going to need the Blues Brothers for this one, because this guy is a real piece of work. In the fourth slot is White Goodman’s doppleganger Paul Ryan, because he had a huge Twitter SNAFU over the weekend. While he was praising the $1.50 raise working class employees got, his billionaire backers are getting raises that eclipse that. In the fifth slot is our brand new segment – Top 10 Investigates (5)! So we’re going to take you deep inside a neo Nazi themed MMA organization, and it’s scary beyond belief! At number 6 is our duty to have our weekly sermon on all the crazy things that the religious right has been up to in “Holy Shit” (6). And this time we’re going to tell you about how Pat Robetson almost met god over the weekend among other madness. Taking the seventh slot is the Advertising Industry (7). So if you saw Super Bowl 52 over the weekend, you most likely saw some terrible advertisements from Dodge RAM, Honda, and Verizon. And also Doritos is trying out an insane new product we can’t wait to tell you about. AT number 8, we're going to play a game of "Is It Racist"? Spoiler alert! Yeah probably. The subject? We're going to do a deep dive on why the Cleveland Indians decided to finally shitcan their infamous and controversial Cheif Wahoo logo. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot is "I Need A Drink", and this time we're going to get drunk and talk about the sensitive subject of “Emotional Support Animals” (9) and wait until you see some of the crazy things people try to take on planes. Man nothing exciting ever happens on any of my flights! And then finally this week we have the next round of our Shithole World Tour (10) and we’re going to Central America and the country of El Salvador! Is it really as much of a shithole as Trump says it is? Plus it’s finally February and we’re celebrating Black History Month here at the Top 10. And what better way to kick off our celebration than with a live performance from The Legendary Roots Crew? Hell yeah! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Remember back in the 80s when Russia was actually our enemy? And you know the GOP loves them some slogans, right? If I remember correctly their motto during that time their slogan of choice was “Better dead than red!!!!”. That’s all you heard during the 80s. “BETTER DEAD THAN RED!!!”. It was flying next to their “don’t tread on me” flags. Well, now I think we need to change that motto to “Better dead than red state!”. Now let me explain. We have a president who’s deep in bed with Russia, and Russia loves him. So much that rejected Keebler Elf Ron Paul was in Russia, on Russian state television and said this:





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So seriously what’s Ron Paul doing on Russian state TV? I mean come on, when you’re under investigation for ties to Russia, don’t talk about Russia. I mean you don’t tell the guy trying to lose 100 pounds: Go on fatty! We’re going to the Golden Corral for lunch! What’s your vice? They got everything you could want!





Hey Alex Jones! This is what an actual conspiracy looks like! You have GOP operatives going overseas to a country we attempted to sanction. They tried to get a memo released that smeared opponents. And they’re conspiring to undermine an FBI investigation. That is a fucking conspiracy! Oh and you know what happened when Trump actually did release the memo? It was a predicted category 5 shit storm, as is everything with this administration!





So there’s two memos. There’s a flip side to every memo. So what did the GOP memo actually talk about, and why did it get released? Remember Highlights Magazine and they had that cartoon “Goofus And Gallant”? The GOP are goofus. They would do anything that Gallant doesn’t. Actually – better metaphor – the GOP is Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown. Only in this scenario, as Charlie is lying on the ground, Lucy spits in his face and kicks him in the ribs. Because they’re just that satanic. Let’s explore that further.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Can we talk about something cool for a change? I don’t want to talk about Trump or his dumbass Nazi parade, or Fox & Friends having an Americagasm over Trump’s SOTU, or any of the other shit we’ve had to put up with since the election. I mean come on, Trump already had his Nazi parade back in August. Thank you! And the thing is you know I don’t want you to think this show is about negativity! What kind of host would that make me? Not a very good one if you ask me! For the record, before I switch subjects and talk about what I want to talk about, Trump is the idiot in this piece, and only because I can’t stop watching this.



Oh!! Oh!!!! You can’t unsee that, can you! Ha!!!! OK enough of that – here’s the cool thing that I wanted to talk about. Space X. Right? How fucking awesome was that? And allow me to fanboy out for a second – this is what happens when you see science in action. Even the guy who we call president wants in on the action:

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/961073467784421382

Wait a minute – isn’t Elon Musk from South Africa? Why yes he is! Trump stopped tweeting out of his ass during his morning Fox & Friends binge to tweet something that actually sounds kind of presidential! So let’s talk some more about this subject:





That’s right! This is science in action here! I still can’t get over how awesome that was – we shot a fucking car into the Mars orbit! Never mind that it’s going to return in a billion years, it was playing David Bowie’s Space Oddity! So what is the purpose behind the space man driving the car? Let’s explore that a bit.





Damn straight! But my favorite thing about this – of course someone put up a used “Space X Test Rocket” on Craigslist. And it can be yours for the low, low price of $9 million! Hey I’ve got that hiding underneath my mattress, sure!





Ah gotta love that movie! So where do we go from there? What’s the next target for SpaceX? Maybe fixing Donald Trump’s hair? Hey o!!! Well considering that each launch is ridiculously expensive it could take a few years before the next one.






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[font size="8"]Arthur Jones
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“Illinois Nazis. I hate Illinois Nazis.” – Jake Blues

Well, where are the Blues Brothers when you need them? Because we’re going to introduce you to an actual Illinois Nazi. And when you guess what party he’s affiliated with, the answer will shock you. Or maybe not if you have been following this program for any length of time. This guy is a real gem too, and not only does he look like a bad rendering of Mr. Magoo, his ugliness will leave a bad taste in your mouth, because… whew.





Yeah sorry Jake, but this guy is definitely *NOT* on a mission from god. I’d say he’s more on a mission from Satan. He’s already got the Nazi trifecta – holocaust denier, white supremacist, and an activist anti-Semite. Can he go for the superfecta?





Ding ding ding!!! We have the Superfecta! He said “America First”! Bravo, take a bow! And Mr. Schneider, before you go and condemn this guy, you should be aware that he’s currently running unopposed. Which makes him the perfect GOP target.





Oh and in case you’re wondering what a gem this guy is, there’s more! So much more! In fact in the above article, he’s apparently amused that he has detractors. I mean this guy really is a fucking Nazi!





Yeah because that’s how good Nazis operate! They blame those for causing their own failures! And of course he’d attack the “politically correct” crowd! Those damn snowflakes! If this is too much for you, go back to your safe spaces! And that’s not all! Wait until you see who else he’s attacked!






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[font size="8"]Paul Ryan
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Raises. That thing you used to get for doing a good job. Of course, now these days with the greediest men alive, the Koch Brothers, determining our economic destiny, you will most likely never get another one as long as you live. Sad reality. Deal with it. And who definitely won’t be getting raises? Teachers. Secretaries. Assistants. Just ask Speaker Of The House, and White Goodman’s doppleganger, Paul Ryan. So while most people are enjoying their $1.50 tax breaks, the billionaires are enjoying their $1,500,000 tax breaks. Here’s more:





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Good job, dumbass! Way to hit the nail on the head on income inequality guys! Because most people want their Costco memberships covered by $1.50 a week! Meanwhile the people who are actually benefitting from the $780,000 they’ll save in tax breaks will never set foot in a fucking Costco! Thank you! But some good news is that the good people of Twitter won’t let him get away with it!





Yes Paul, you suck! And here is my favorite part of all of this – that tweet has actually given a favorable boost to his challenger in November! Here’s more.





Wow, even Captain Picard thinks you suck, Ryan! But thankfully our opposition won’t let shit like this slide, because Paul Ryan deserves to get a lot of crap for this. I mean they basically gave a blank check to the billionaires and it’s already reaping the benefits while screwing everybody else.





Did I mention Paul Ryan sucks?


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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates
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Ladies and gentlemen, I am extremely excited to debut our new segment here, and I hope it goes well! Let’s hit it!



Welcome to Top 10 Investigates. In 2017 we saw the rise of white supremacism and neo Nazism on American soil for the first time since World War II. Which ultimately cultivated in the events of last August in Charlottesville, North Carolina. While the rest of the world, and those of us with brains, were horrified at the events that took place, naturally we haven’t seen the end of it. In fact it’s only going to get worse. Taking their cues from the 1999 film “Fight Club”, the Alt Right has started forming their own version of underground fighting. Only they haven’t read the book or seen the movie, apparently.





Yes, nein. So much nein that it’s practically a 10. Because nothing says you’re depressed like a sad Hitler, and it all comes back to Hitler and Russia like so many of the events of the last year. So to get their aggressions out, there has been an even sinister version of the fighting genre of mixed martial arts have begun to appear.





Yes, Yankova is a member of a fight club. Only in the movie, the first rule of Fight Club is that you’re not supposed to talk about Fight Club. And you’re definitely not supposed to talk about a Neo Nazi Fight Club.





If only, Smoochy. If only. Of course if Death To Smoochy had been made in 2018, Smoochy would find some good friends in that crowd of Nazis. And nothing says “sell out crowd” like inviting a former Nazi war criminal to speak. They even attracted corporate sponsors – something that goes against Brad Pitt’s teachings in Fight Club.





Yes, we are all part of god’s compost heap. And that’s breaking the second rule of Fight Club, again, that you’re not supposed to talk about it. But that has inspired the Alt Right to take up “bloodsports” – their newest recruiting tool. Here’s more:





Which sounds harmless until… you see the hardcore racism starting to pile on:





Now really, would you put your trust in a guy who hosts a show called “Race War Live”?



Yeah that’s the kind of sick people we are dealing with here. But in case you’re wondering how our president factors into this, take a look at this alarming statistic that recently surfaced:





So there you have it. You elect a violent, hateful president, you’re going to encourage the youth of this country to be hateful and violent. That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. See you next time!




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Yes my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to tell you why the most devoted followers of JAYSUS are also the most full of:



Because it’s our duty to find out why the most devout followers of JAYSUS, our god, creator of all that is good and holy, are also the most batshit fucking crazy. Can I get an amen???? So over the weekend while you were watching thine Eagles devour thine Patriots, our brother Pat almost met God. Though I think when he got there, even god took a look and said “What the fuck are you doing here?”.





Yes, brother Pat, for Jesus came and you were saved! Or maybe he saw you were coming and they were like “Let’s get the fuck out of here!”. But there are signs of GAWD everywhere! Like in Minnesota where the holiest of games was held over the weekend. So anyone remember Michelle Bachmann? She was looking for a sign from OUR GOD that she should run for Senate. And you know what message the lord layeth down?





And god sayeth “NO”!!! For let this be a lesson to all of you sinners out there that in the good book, the good Lord judgeth not lest ye be judged. For he is the creator of all that is good and holy, can I get an amen??? And who needs a doctor, I ask my fair congregation??? Who needs thy doctor to tell you that you are sick and you need to healed? What kind of GAWD would allow that?? I answer you with this:





For Jesus sayeth I AM SICK AND YOU SHALL HEAL ME!!! And how great is our gospel choir? Give it up for them! And speaking of signs from god, there is a sign that Satan exists!! False prophets are one of the most egregious of SINS in our religion, and SINS MUST BE CLEANSED IN THE NAME OF JAYSUS, creator of all that is good and holy! Can I get an amen???





Yes even JAYSUS!!! Believes that Trump don’t pray. By the way, Trump Don’t Pray is the name of our new Christian rock album which you can buy in the lobby for the low low price of $10.99! Featuring our amazing Top 10 Gospel Choir! But apparently if there is a GAWD, that demons walk among us if we don’t praise Trump who according to them is the creator of all that is good and holy! Wait, no, that’s our GAWD!!!





Well there you have it – demons do walk among us!!!! And that is the only sign from GAWD that you need! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Advertising Fails
[br] [/font] [br] B

Advertising. That thing you go out of your way to avoid, and the advertisers don’t know or care that you don’t want to hear them. No, we don’t have a love – hate relationship with advertising. Most of us have a hate-hate relationship with advertising. Unless I can get some sponsors for my show, then I will love you! So why am I talking about advertising? Well the holy mecca of advertising was this Sunday – of course the Super Bowl . And then there was the Dodge RAM. Now before you boo or hiss, let’s play the commercial first and explain later.



OK now you can boo! Yeah let’s take it in for a minute. Now let’s go over the criticism for the commercial in question.





I have a dream! A dream that one day we will all be able to buy Dodge RAM pickup trucks for low APR financing and great monthly rates! See? See that Top 10 audience? See that only proves my theory that advertising ruins everything! Thank you! Want further proof? Go to any college football stadium. My team – the UCLA Bruins – has signs everywhere saying “no gambling”. Go inside, and there’s ads for Draft Kings everywhere. So I’m getting mixed signals there. Moving on and switching subjects here, this next one asks “who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?”. Ladies, how do you like your Doritos?





Yes, thank you nice lady! It is only sexist when men do it! So I’ve been wrong this whole time! I’m just kidding! JKI So the idea of Lady Doritos isn’t exactly catching on. I mean really? Is this where we’re at in 2018? We’re deciding that women eat chips differently than men? Did the CEO of PepsiCo watch too many 1950s newsreels?





Now to play devil’s advocate for a minute, is it really that absurd that there’s this much backlash to a relatively simple product? Some say “maybe”.





But apparently the backlash caused PepsiCo to cancel the planned launch of Lady Doritos:






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[font size="8"] The Cleveland Indians
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It’s time to play a game of “Is It Racist”? This week – we’re going to talk some baseball. Specifically The Cleveland Indians logo. Is it racist? Well we’re going to show you, then you can draw your own conclusions. The Cleveland Indians logo – Chief Wahoo – has been around since practically the team itself. So is the Chief Wahoo logo really that offensive? I mean well, probably. So here’s what is happening in Cleveland.





That is a pretty good point. So the question remains – is the Cleveland Indians logo racist? Yeah the trend is diversity and inclusion, which we’re all about here at the Top 10. Unlike what the Alt Right thinks, diversity is what really makes America great! So let’s delve into the history of Chief Wahoo for a bit.





Yeah sounds about right. So yeah it came out of a cartoon drawn in the 1930s. And considering how racist America actually was during that time, that might be considered to be a little racist. Now you might be asking yourself “it’s all well and good but what do actual Indians think?” Well I answer you with this:





Well that is a good point. But whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? So an actual Native American doesn’t think the Indians should remove the Chief Wahoo logo? What? Dude, this controversy just gets weirder and weirder! So they don’t think it should be removed. But what about historians? What do they think? Let’s ask one and find out!





OK that might be a little racist. But there’s got to be something – something that indicates why the Indians are getting rid of Chief Wahoo, and that reason might be why the Indians are removing it. If it’s not racism, then what is it?







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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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It’s now time for a new installment of:



And man do I need a drink this week! I mean come on, Trump released the memo you guys! And it’s turned out to be… a spectacular fail. So tell me, bartender, what’s a good drink to enjoy with an emotional support peacock? A Mai Tai? Sure, that sounds good! I’ll have one! Don’t skimp on the vodka please! Look people, I know traveling can be stressful. But that’s only if you let it. I mean come on if traveling wigs you out, take it like a man. Pound a few beers at the airport bar and then pass out watching a Z grade in flight movie on the monitors in front of you! So this latest round of crazy shit happening on airplanes has spawned an interesting debate – what counts as an “emotional support animal”? Let’s explain further:





Yes WTF LOL indeed. I mean a peacock seriously? And how would you like to be the passenger sitting next to whoever has the peacock? If I’m flying coach the last thing I want to be subjected to is a tray full of bird crap. And I’m not counting the food being served. Hey o! Thank you I’m here all week, don’t forget to tip your waitress! So this has spawned an interesting debate – what counts as an emotional support animal?





So let’s get this straight – airlines must allow passengers to carry emotional support animals. Now let’s make one thing clear – I get a dog or a cat. I’m fine with that. Airlines are even fine with that. But a peacock? Not an emotional support animal. A pig? A frog? A squirrel? Stop it. Madness. What? We’ve got our own emotional support animal right here! Where’s Trumpy at?



Yay Trumpy, our emotional support parrot is back! How about a round of applause right? So now at least the good thing is that airlines are cracking down on this nonsense:






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[font size="8"]World Tour Shithole Edition Destination #3: El Salvador
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Part of our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is to show you that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem with America. No, it’s a global problem that is stemming far and wide, and it’s not just America where conservative idiots ruin everything they touch. And if you’re thinking of moving out of the United States just because Donald J. Trump is our current president and our nation is turning to shit, you should know what it is you’re getting into should you decide that you want to leave the country. Well now things suddenly got interesting! So our world tour got hijacked by Donald Trump, and we’re off on a quest to find if any of the places Trump is suggesting are shitholes are actually shitholes. So here’s the World Tour 2018 Shithole Edition:



[font size="6"]El Salvador[/font]



Those responsible for this tour schedule have been sacked. So we went from the Carribbean to Africa to Central America. Some very long ass flights! And then we’re off to Chile next to make up for the date that we missed last year, and we forgot to add in a date or two. So yeah those responsible have been fully sacked. Yeah it’s been a disaster so far but we blame our current president for that. Oh that’s right, I’m rambling again. Let’s get back to El Salvador. It’s a tiny central American country with roots dating back to the ancient Mayans. You can actually view real Mayan ruins. They have some extremely beautiful beaches as well. And mountains – it’s home to some of the best skiing in Central America! It even has some amazing castles and tourist attractions. So this should be the perfect tourist attraction. Let’s put it through our world tour filter and see how it stacks up! What else is El Salvador the home of?





Yes because who loves to fire people more than Trump does? Hey he’s not deporting millions of people from America – he’s firing them! Just like a good business dictator would! But what would set Trump off like that? What’s his nemesis? I know! MS13!





Hey only Trump has the hiring and firing power here, Ron! So what else is happening in El Salvador? By the way, while we’re on the subject, could you name the capital of El Salvador? Does it really matter at this point? You sir? San Salvador. Great. Thank you sir! No, this isn’t a quiz show! Moving on!





Yeah sorry to tell you, Salvadoran – Americans, you’re all fired. Well at least if our president gets his way, and he most likely will. I mean is there anything good coming out of El Salvador? Anything? Well they’re finally joining the rest of the world in upgrading to 4G!





Trust me – El Salvador, you’ll enjoy 4G but don’t overdo it like we have! Well we’ll keep an eye on the MS13 situation as it looks like it’s about to escalate in Boston and possibly create an international incident out of it. And if you guessed Trump knows almost nothing about MS13, you would be absolutely correct!:





[font size="6"]The Verdict & Scorecard[/font]

So is El Salvador a shithole? Honestly we couldn’t really find any information for this subject and we were hard pressed for time. So we’ll say probably!

Tourism: C
Culture: C
Political Spectrum: C
Liberal Appeal: C

Overall: C

[font size="6"]Next Week[/font]

Continuing our nonsense tour schedule to find Trump’s perfect shithole (not counting his mouth), we’re going back to South America to visit Chile! Is Chile a shithole? Only one way to find out!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]The Legendary Roots Crew[/font]

Kicking off our Black History Month celebration, we have one of my all time favorites playing tonight! Now playing their classic song “The Fire” from their album “How I Got Over”, give it up for the Legendary Roots Crew!





Yeah how about that?

See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: City National Grove Of Anaheim, Anaheim, CA
Special Thanks To: City National Grove Management
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
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Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
El Salvador Hosting: San Salvador Productions, San Salvador
The Roots Appear Courtesy Of: Island Def Jam Music Group
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo