CDC Sheds Light on the Cause of the Epidemic Illness in the Bay Area—Glenn Beck

At the beginning of 2012 there was a sharp increase in flu-like symptoms, affecting thousands of people in the San Francisco bay area. This was coupled with an increase in erratic behavior in the area, by those who never experienced the headaches and abdominal pain of those with the suspected influenza virus. “At first my colleagues and I were baffled,” said Dr. Whitmore of Oceanside Medical center. “The increase in those suffering from influenza could not be accounted for using prior year’s seasonal infection rates. This happened at the same time that we noticed an escalation in patients coming into the office irrationally angry, or disoriented. We decided we needed to contact the CDC and find out if what we were seeing was localized, national, or possibly global in scope.”

A spokesperson for the CDC confirmed that the phenomena were confined to the bay area. “We decided to attack the problem assuming that the irrational behavior and the illness were connected,” confided Dr. Margret Shire of the CDC. “That turned out to be a correct assumption and helped in a quick diagnosis. We also knew because of the strangeness of this problem, we had to put our best doctor in charge of the investigation…Doctor House.”

“At first I thought it was drugs,” Dr. House said while playing with his cane. “That turned out to be incorrect. Then I thought it must be something connected to the ports – that also turned out to be wrong. Then it hit me while watching television…There was an increase in irrational behavior nationwide, starting in 2009 and ending in the summer of 2011. There was also an increase in flu-like symptoms throughout the country, simultaneously. That’s when Glenn Beck was on Fox! A quick check on the internet validated my suspicions. Glenn Beck’s show was now being broadcast on a previously left-wing station. No wonder people were becoming ill.”

“Thanks to Doctor House we were able to narrow down the cause of the illness and irrational behavior and instructed doctors in the area to have their patients turn to FM, at least during the morning hours,” Dr. Shire uttered with barely hidden pride. “But that still left us with the mystery of why different people had such differing reactions to the same vocal stimulus. Some people were feeling too sick to finish the morning drive to work and were turning back to go home in droves. Others would yell at strangers passing on the street, or at paper products in the stores, calling them Nazis or communists. Still others were exhibiting signs of profound inanity. I’ll let Dr. House explain the discrepancies.”

“Let me put it to you in laymen’s terms,” said Dr. House to a room full of reporters. “An average or intelligent person reacts to the irrational and logic distorting invective of a Glenn Beck with defensive mechanism as if the body is being attacked by a microscopic invader. The brain doesn’t know exactly what to do. It hears something like, ‘Hitler was a liberal’ said seriously and naturally thinks the world is turned upside down or is turning inside out. This in turn causes vertigo and queasiness.”

“That explains the illnesses, but what about the irrational acts of so many others?” asked CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

“I’m glad you asked, because this was a very interesting part of the puzzle,” House continued. “You see, in people who aren’t that bright, they don’t know what they’ve heard is wrong, but their subconscious mind knows something doesn’t fit, so it breaks the synapses in the brain in order to avoid further conflict. And in those with a slightly unbalanced outlook, it increases the amount of both glutamate and dopamine because it now believes the unbalanced view of the world is the correct view. So basically, Beck makes the slow-witted, slower, the nutty kind of deranged and the average person sick to their stomach.”

“But couldn’t you say the same thing about the liberal media? Don’t they cause the same thing?” asked Jesse Watters, Bill O’Reilly’s hit-man/producer. “And what about socialism…and…and the War on Christmas?”

“No. No you couldn’t,” said an exasperated House. “Now look at what you’ve done! Dr. Shire and Cenk Uygur are starting to show signs of sickness…And I don’t feel very well myself.”