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Damnit! Super-Pundit George Will is on to Us!

As every liberal knows, our strength doesn’t come from logic, science and a do-unto-others philosophy; it comes from obscuring the truth with facts. In George Will’s latest column on January 27th, 2013, he lays out the prescription for a conservative revival. When Obama mentions global warming – a science easily disproved by Will in his article – he sets the groundwork for failed policies that the left, especially Obama, were hoping would help impede the economy and keep people on food stamps and welfare. We were so close!

In order for a good conspiracy to work, it must remain hidden. Now that George Will has shown how ridiculous global warming science really is, how can “a cap-and-trade scheme” be implemented? (It goes without saying that this proves how far left the democrats have moved, now that they would champion a republican idea from the 90’s. The 90’s! Those guys were indistinguishable from Stalin.) George Will, expanding on the Wall Street Journal’s Holman Jenkins, ‘noted that although 2012 was 2.13 degrees Fahrenheit hotter than 2011, “2008, in the contiguous U.S., was two degrees cooler than 2006.”’ We’ve been counting on people being distracted by the fact that the last 330 months have all had an above average temperature, but Will has figured out how irrelevant that information is. What’s important is that sometimes it’s colder than other times, thus blowing a hole the size of the arctic ice cap in climate change science. (Which is, strictly by coincidence, getting smaller every year.)

In the best of all possible futures, Obama and the left would be able to destroy job growth, make the scientists even more powerful than they are now, add trillions and trillions to the debt, put millions more on food stamps and have this go completely unnoticed by the right. But unlike most pundits, George Will wasn’t satisfied with disproving the world’s scientists. He went on to ascertain that Bush’s presidency didn’t matter, in fact, it may not have even happened at all. Quoting Richard Vedder of the American Enterprise Institute, “If today the country had the same proportion of persons of working age employed as it did in 2000, the U.S. would have almost 14 million more people contributing to the economy.” Some may call it dishonest to compare the numbers of one democratic president to the numbers of another democratic president without mentioning the recession caused by the republican president in-between; but let’s face it, it’s actually just damn good math.

This isn’t Mr. Will’s first foray into the world of obliterating truth, history and science. One needs to pick and choose what numbers to use when making one’s points. And George knows how to pick and choose. In a February 2009 column, George Will stated the unemployment rate when FDR took office was, “then at 24.9 percent, it was perverse to diagnose the nation's problem as overproduction.” When wanting to show how ineffective FDR’s policies were, he chose 1939 with, “17.2 percent” in a November 2008 article. If he had picked 1940, the number would have been 14.6. See the difference? And all you have to do is ignore the unemployment rate went from 24.9 in 1933 to 16.9 in 1936, in the short period when FDR policies were in effect. After 1936, when austerity became the order of the day, the markets dropped and unemployment rose. Implementing his policies again in 1937/1938, the economy improved dramatically. Picking and choosing dates also works well if you want to discredit Roosevelt’s policies by an easier method. Start the clock in 1929 and end it in 1936, maintaining that it took FDR seven years to bring the market back to its 1929 numbers. The trick here is to make FDR responsible for the four year drop before he took office. Smart, huh?

But that’s not important. Destroying the economy, strengthening the mighty scientists and putting everyone on food stamps is what matters. How are we going to accomplish this with George Will as the smartest pundit in the room?

Study: Fox News Viewers Average Age Higher than Average IQ

In the first of its kind study on intelligence, Brown University incorporated ideology into intelligence quotient calculations. The study looked at intelligence levels up and down the political spectrum, but took the unique approach of factoring in the ‘real world effects of final decisions’ in lieu of the standard tests that fail to take biases and prejudice into account. What they found verified the validity of past studies, but shocked the scientific community with its dramatic variation in degrees. Heading the study was L. Bruce, PhD, who is a pioneer in the field of ideological psychology.

“We knew going into this study that Fox News viewers were misinformed and incorrect on the major issues of our time,” said the bespectacled Bruce. “We also knew that past studies showed a five to ten point difference in the IQ’s of the Fox viewers compared to those who get their news from other sources, but we were unprepared for the precipitous drop that occurred when ideology was thrown into the mix. And it seemed to be inversely proportional to the time spent watching Fox News. The more they watched, the lower the intelligence. What we haven’t determined, is whether the viewing caused the drop in aptitude, or a lower intelligence made one more predisposed to watch Fox.”

Judy Collins, PhD coauthored the study and was forthcoming with the details. “While the average age of Fox News viewers is 73.4, the average IQ, using Doctor Bruce’s scale, is 65.3. Quite a difference. We started with the premise that the end result of intelligence, meaning its practical application, was more important than the pieces that are in place to make any intelligence possible. Kind of like a disassembled watch. All the pieces are there, but it can’t tell time. So, what’s the use, unless one removes, in this case, the ideology that prevents critical thought?

“I’ll give you a real life example. One of our subjects who watches Fox, insisted that the earth is only six thousand years old. We then showed this person a cross section of the sediment of Japan’s Lake Suigetsu, which has 52,800 clear layers that are deposited annually. After a few minutes of silence, this person responded by saying, ‘The earth is six thousand years old.’ So, this person may be capable recognizing numbers in the millions or billions, but can only count to six thousand when it matters. We scored this person, in the mathematics category, the same as one who was capable of only counting to six thousand. The same holds true when there is evidence of global warming, equality of races, or teachers not being responsible for the economic recession, and is completely ignored.”

“While Judy’s watch analogy is apt and rather insightful, I prefer to compare a mind bogged down in ideology with gymnast in a suit of armor,” said Bruce. “The person inside a suit of armor, just like one trapped inside of rigid ideology, may be an uncoordinated lout unable to walk and chew gum at the same time, or they may be a world-class gymnast. But an observer would never know the difference being that all athletic feats attempted would be abject failures. We approached this study with that fact in the forefront of our minds… Now we hope that this study will wake those trapped in their individual suits of armor, and allow them to think more clearly.”

Satire by: 20score

Fox & Friends: “Unfair to the Job Creators - 650,000 Homeless Pay No Income Tax!”

“I want to start this segment out by bringing up something that the main stream media never tells people about,” said Steve Doocy, wearing a half crooked smile and a bright yellow tie. “Apparently they don’t want anyone to think about the fact that there are 650,000 homeless people out there, living high on the hog and paying no income taxes whatsoever.”

“Meanwhile,” continued Brian Kilmead. “There are billionaire job creators paying ten, eleven, sometimes even twelve percent of the money they can’t hide in the Cayman Islands… It’s unconscionable!”

“Exactly!” Gretchen Carlson said, sporting a wide eyed, ‘You know they’ve landed’ grin. “Of course everyone now agrees that the disabled, those living on Social Security and the working poor need to pay a lot more. A LOT more, but the homeless, they’re not even mentioned. They have some powerful liberals working on their behalf in Washington and it’s time someone shined a great big spotlight on this gaping hole in our tax system.”

“It’s a cover-up that we on Fox & Friends aren’t afraid to tell you about,” Steve Doocy said, picking up without a pause. His eyes revealing his mind is devoid of thought. His, ‘Patented secret to being a successful news anchor,’ according to his soon to be released autobiography, Don’t Think! “We just know that George Soros is behind this. Liberal, socialist, left-wing, Nazi, anti-capitalists like Soros are always trying to figure out ways to hurt real Americans by helping those that already have it too easy… No taxes at all. It just burns me up!”

“You’re so right, Steve,” said Kilmead, almost bouncing in his seat. “Soros and the homeless thought they had the perfect dodge, but no more. Now that Fox & Friends have uncovered this, it’s time for everyone to get outraged!”

By: 20score

Fox Looking for New War to Stoke Outrage. “War on Christmas too Short”

“We’re asking our audience for input,” said Irena Briganti, head of Fox News Media Relations. “There’s like ten and a half months when all we have to war on is, logic, poor people, reason, climate change, blacks, immigrants, fair trade, China, clean energy, science, Muslims, nuns, postal workers, teachers, unions, liberals, professors, Obama, the middle class and reality…. We’re in a bind here.”

“What we are asking for is an interim war, not a replacement, of the War on Christmas,” added Stuart Varney. “…Can’t stress that enough. Nothing in the history of mankind can equal, or even come close to, the outrage of a Christian being told, ‘Happy Holidays’ - and we will never forget that. But, you can’t very well wage a War on Christmas in April, now can you? Although we could add Boxing Day to the mix and get another day out of the War on Christmas... but that’s not nearly enough!”

“We’re leaning toward a seasonal theme, maybe,” Ms. Briganti stated, seeming to think out loud. “A War on Summer, tied to global warming,” she said, trailing off for a bit.

“Well, you get the idea,” said Ms. Briganti. “It’s in your hands now. Please send your ideas for a new war to: FOX News Channel 1211 Avenue of the Americas, 2nd Floor, New York, NY 10036 Phone: 212-301-3000. You’ll be glad you did. Thank you.”
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