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Katashi_itto
Katashi_itto's Journal
Katashi_itto's Journal
January 12, 2015
?1997
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Having vowed an oath to enforce the government agency’s strict decency standards, a Federal Communications Commission sniper positioned inside the Beverly Hilton Hotel successfully prevented the live broadcast of profanity Sunday night by firing a single fatal shot into Matthew McConaughey’s left temple during the 72nd Golden Globe Awards.
“All of our FCC marksmen are highly trained and authorized to neutralize any threat to public propriety, and in this instance, the real and imminent risk that an offensive word might be uttered on live airwaves necessitated the use of deadly force against film actor Matthew McConaughey,” said FCC chairman Tom Wheeler, praising the camouflaged sharpshooter who took up a position among the A-list crowd and kept his rifle’s laser sight trained on the foreheads of whichever presenters and honorees were speaking onstage, as is customary at all live awards galas.
“It is unfortunate whenever the FCC must fire a lethal head shot to ensure a broadcast remains family-friendly, but we are tasked with a grave responsibility to protect the vulnerable viewing audience. Such executions are a small price to pay to ensure that millions of Americans are safe from language of a vulgar or sexually provocative nature.” Wheeler added that the FCC was “100 percent fine” with the airing of the graphic violence and bloodshed that resulted from its sniper’s actions.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/fcc-sniper-takes-out-matthew-mcconaughey-to-preven,37729/
FCC Sniper Takes Out Matthew McConaughey To Prevent Live Broadcast Of Profanity
?1997
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Having vowed an oath to enforce the government agency’s strict decency standards, a Federal Communications Commission sniper positioned inside the Beverly Hilton Hotel successfully prevented the live broadcast of profanity Sunday night by firing a single fatal shot into Matthew McConaughey’s left temple during the 72nd Golden Globe Awards.
“All of our FCC marksmen are highly trained and authorized to neutralize any threat to public propriety, and in this instance, the real and imminent risk that an offensive word might be uttered on live airwaves necessitated the use of deadly force against film actor Matthew McConaughey,” said FCC chairman Tom Wheeler, praising the camouflaged sharpshooter who took up a position among the A-list crowd and kept his rifle’s laser sight trained on the foreheads of whichever presenters and honorees were speaking onstage, as is customary at all live awards galas.
“It is unfortunate whenever the FCC must fire a lethal head shot to ensure a broadcast remains family-friendly, but we are tasked with a grave responsibility to protect the vulnerable viewing audience. Such executions are a small price to pay to ensure that millions of Americans are safe from language of a vulgar or sexually provocative nature.” Wheeler added that the FCC was “100 percent fine” with the airing of the graphic violence and bloodshed that resulted from its sniper’s actions.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/fcc-sniper-takes-out-matthew-mcconaughey-to-preven,37729/
January 11, 2015
?6527
RAPID CITY, SD—Excavating hundreds of miles of trench following the defeat of a Senate bill that would have approved the project, dozens of desperate GOP congressmen were reportedly spotted in rural South Dakota Thursday trying to build the Keystone XL pipeline system themselves.
“We really don’t have any other choice at the moment, so we’re going to build the best pipeline we can using our own two hands,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), flipping up his welding mask as he paused from beveling an expansion joint to direct a crane operated by House Majority Whip Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA).
“Sometimes if you want to transport 830,000 barrels of crude oil a day from Canada to Nebraska, you just have to roll up your sleeves and do it yourself.” McConnell went on to say that while it might take a long time for GOP lawmakers to complete the 1,179-mile pipeline, the addition in January of approximately 20 incoming Republican congressmen should help speed up construction.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/desperate-gop-spotted-in-south-dakota-trying-to-bu,37499/
Desperate GOP Spotted In South Dakota Trying To Build Keystone Pipeline Themselves
?6527
RAPID CITY, SD—Excavating hundreds of miles of trench following the defeat of a Senate bill that would have approved the project, dozens of desperate GOP congressmen were reportedly spotted in rural South Dakota Thursday trying to build the Keystone XL pipeline system themselves.
“We really don’t have any other choice at the moment, so we’re going to build the best pipeline we can using our own two hands,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), flipping up his welding mask as he paused from beveling an expansion joint to direct a crane operated by House Majority Whip Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA).
“Sometimes if you want to transport 830,000 barrels of crude oil a day from Canada to Nebraska, you just have to roll up your sleeves and do it yourself.” McConnell went on to say that while it might take a long time for GOP lawmakers to complete the 1,179-mile pipeline, the addition in January of approximately 20 incoming Republican congressmen should help speed up construction.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/desperate-gop-spotted-in-south-dakota-trying-to-bu,37499/
January 11, 2015
The Onion Reviews 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes' (NSFW)
January 11, 2015
?7032
NEW YORK—Reacting with a mixture of surprise and disappointment, fans of the James Bond series voiced concern Thursday after learning that all of the latest installment’s shooting locations would be in New Hampshire.
“A Bond film is known for its exotic locales, so I get a little nervous when I read about Sam Mendes securing the rights to shoot in downtown Concord and scouting covered bridges for the opening action sequence,” said fan Peter Harris of the series’ 24th film, which will reportedly feature 007 tracking a shadowy terrorist organization through conservation centers, hiking trails, and craft museums throughout the rural state, culminating in a final confrontation at the Franklin Pierce Homestead.
“Sure, the clip of Daniel Craig emerging from a tiny submersible onto a beach at Lake Winnipesaukee is vintage Bond, but it’s going to feel kind of lame and static unless they at least whisk us off to a maple farm in Vermont.” Fans were also reportedly divided over the decision to change the name of the film from Spectre to Live Free Or Die.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/james-bond-fans-concerned-after-learning-new-films,37599/
James Bond Fans Concerned After Learning New Film’s Shooting Locations All In New Hampshire
?7032
NEW YORK—Reacting with a mixture of surprise and disappointment, fans of the James Bond series voiced concern Thursday after learning that all of the latest installment’s shooting locations would be in New Hampshire.
“A Bond film is known for its exotic locales, so I get a little nervous when I read about Sam Mendes securing the rights to shoot in downtown Concord and scouting covered bridges for the opening action sequence,” said fan Peter Harris of the series’ 24th film, which will reportedly feature 007 tracking a shadowy terrorist organization through conservation centers, hiking trails, and craft museums throughout the rural state, culminating in a final confrontation at the Franklin Pierce Homestead.
“Sure, the clip of Daniel Craig emerging from a tiny submersible onto a beach at Lake Winnipesaukee is vintage Bond, but it’s going to feel kind of lame and static unless they at least whisk us off to a maple farm in Vermont.” Fans were also reportedly divided over the decision to change the name of the film from Spectre to Live Free Or Die.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/james-bond-fans-concerned-after-learning-new-films,37599/
January 9, 2015
?7298
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Smiling as their children played among the mounds of gray, icy slop, local parents told reporters Tuesday that a dirty slush machine had successfully provided their families with a small taste of winter in Florida.
“I was raised in a city up north, so we had this all the time, but my 6-year-old daughter took her first sled ride on a hill of filthy mush not even 10 minutes from our house,” said Karen Rosen, who told reporters she was impressed at how the diesel-powered blower had fully transformed a patch of asphalt outside Coral Ridge Mall into a grimy sludge winterland.
“Getting to watch my child do a snow angel in a layer of freezing gunk, motor oil, and salt was a real treat for me.” Rosen added that her only complaint was that the dirty slush had completely melted away into water and deicing chemicals before she and her daughter could build a snowman.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/dirty-slush-machine-provides-children-in-florida-t,37690/
Dirty Slush Machine Provides Children In Florida Taste Of Winter
?7298
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Smiling as their children played among the mounds of gray, icy slop, local parents told reporters Tuesday that a dirty slush machine had successfully provided their families with a small taste of winter in Florida.
“I was raised in a city up north, so we had this all the time, but my 6-year-old daughter took her first sled ride on a hill of filthy mush not even 10 minutes from our house,” said Karen Rosen, who told reporters she was impressed at how the diesel-powered blower had fully transformed a patch of asphalt outside Coral Ridge Mall into a grimy sludge winterland.
“Getting to watch my child do a snow angel in a layer of freezing gunk, motor oil, and salt was a real treat for me.” Rosen added that her only complaint was that the dirty slush had completely melted away into water and deicing chemicals before she and her daughter could build a snowman.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/dirty-slush-machine-provides-children-in-florida-t,37690/
January 9, 2015
President Barack Obama said on Thursday he would offer a proposal in his State of the Union speech that would make two years of community college free for anyone willing to work for it.
Obama said in a video message released by the White House that in a visit to Tennessee on Friday he would announce the program to make community college accessible for everyone.
Under the proposal, students who attend at least half-time, maintain a 2.5 GPA while in college, and make steady progress toward completing their programs would have their tuition eliminated.
The White House said the program would be taken in partnership with states and was inspired by new programs in Tennessee and Chicago. If all states participate, an estimated 9 million students could benefit. A full-time community college student could save an average of $3,800 in tuition a year.
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2015/01/obama-announces-proposal-for-two-free-years-of-community-college/
Obama announces proposal for two free years of community college
President Barack Obama said on Thursday he would offer a proposal in his State of the Union speech that would make two years of community college free for anyone willing to work for it.
Obama said in a video message released by the White House that in a visit to Tennessee on Friday he would announce the program to make community college accessible for everyone.
Under the proposal, students who attend at least half-time, maintain a 2.5 GPA while in college, and make steady progress toward completing their programs would have their tuition eliminated.
The White House said the program would be taken in partnership with states and was inspired by new programs in Tennessee and Chicago. If all states participate, an estimated 9 million students could benefit. A full-time community college student could save an average of $3,800 in tuition a year.
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2015/01/obama-announces-proposal-for-two-free-years-of-community-college/
January 9, 2015
llowing the murder of two NYPD officers in New York City, much of the political right moved to blame Mayor de Blasio and other progressive critics of police brutality for inciting the violence, claiming that the mentally ill man who was behind the attack was motivated by left-wing rhetoric.
That narrative doesn’t fit very well with a terror case brought this week by the FBI against three Georgia men, all members of a right-wing militia that plotted to attack police and others. Wednesday, Terry Peace, Brian Cannon and Cory Williamson pleaded not guilty to a charge of domestic terrorism, as well as charges of conspiring to defraud the government. Northwest Georgia News explains:
Peace, Cannon and Williamson — all members of a militia in Georgia — participated in online chat discussions between Jan. 23 and Feb. 15, 2014, that were monitored by the FBI.
During the conversations online, they discussed using guerilla war tactics and planned to launch attacks against a metro Atlanta police station and several government agencies in February 2014.
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2015/01/the-right-wing-domestic-terror-plot-you-didnt-hear-about-this-week/
The right-wing domestic terror plot you didn’t hear about this week
llowing the murder of two NYPD officers in New York City, much of the political right moved to blame Mayor de Blasio and other progressive critics of police brutality for inciting the violence, claiming that the mentally ill man who was behind the attack was motivated by left-wing rhetoric.
That narrative doesn’t fit very well with a terror case brought this week by the FBI against three Georgia men, all members of a right-wing militia that plotted to attack police and others. Wednesday, Terry Peace, Brian Cannon and Cory Williamson pleaded not guilty to a charge of domestic terrorism, as well as charges of conspiring to defraud the government. Northwest Georgia News explains:
Peace, Cannon and Williamson — all members of a militia in Georgia — participated in online chat discussions between Jan. 23 and Feb. 15, 2014, that were monitored by the FBI.
During the conversations online, they discussed using guerilla war tactics and planned to launch attacks against a metro Atlanta police station and several government agencies in February 2014.
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2015/01/the-right-wing-domestic-terror-plot-you-didnt-hear-about-this-week/
January 9, 2015
?5157
BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of lowest-level talks.
The noisy, poorly dressed delegations, which convened for multiple sessions of bilateral discussion at a Best Western motor inn just outside Brisbane, reportedly addressed a range of issues important to schlubs in both countries, including reducing tariffs on microwaveable mozzarella sticks, establishing worldwide manufacturing standards for foam beer koozie production, and generally fostering a spirit of goodwill and cooperation within the international slob community.
“Since they arrived to the talks dragging their duffel bags behind them after disembarking at the wrong bus stop, envoys from both nations have appeared strongly committed to finding common ground,” said political analyst Catherine Burke, noting that, aside from a brief recess during which the delegates withdrew to a nearby mini-mart in order to procure Pall Malls and $2 scratch-off tickets, the schlubs have engaged in constructive dialogue. “In fact, a major breakthrough was achieved on the very first day after [schlub ambassadors] Peng Wu and Carl Savelli retired to a nearby bowling alley to play Photo Hunt on a coin-operated touchscreen machine and ironed out a framework for providing comprehensive subsidies to both countries’ sweatpants industries.”
“Though the talks have at times been strained over the issue of U.S. debt stemming from the Chinese delegates’ purchase of several cases of Miller Lite, both sides are making great strides toward normalizing Sino-American schlub relations,” she added. “Today’s joint resolution to diversify vending machine options in both countries was a huge step forward.”
http://www.theonion.com/articles/schlubs-from-us-china-meet-in-lowestlevel-talks,37662/
Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks
?5157
BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of lowest-level talks.
The noisy, poorly dressed delegations, which convened for multiple sessions of bilateral discussion at a Best Western motor inn just outside Brisbane, reportedly addressed a range of issues important to schlubs in both countries, including reducing tariffs on microwaveable mozzarella sticks, establishing worldwide manufacturing standards for foam beer koozie production, and generally fostering a spirit of goodwill and cooperation within the international slob community.
“Since they arrived to the talks dragging their duffel bags behind them after disembarking at the wrong bus stop, envoys from both nations have appeared strongly committed to finding common ground,” said political analyst Catherine Burke, noting that, aside from a brief recess during which the delegates withdrew to a nearby mini-mart in order to procure Pall Malls and $2 scratch-off tickets, the schlubs have engaged in constructive dialogue. “In fact, a major breakthrough was achieved on the very first day after [schlub ambassadors] Peng Wu and Carl Savelli retired to a nearby bowling alley to play Photo Hunt on a coin-operated touchscreen machine and ironed out a framework for providing comprehensive subsidies to both countries’ sweatpants industries.”
“Though the talks have at times been strained over the issue of U.S. debt stemming from the Chinese delegates’ purchase of several cases of Miller Lite, both sides are making great strides toward normalizing Sino-American schlub relations,” she added. “Today’s joint resolution to diversify vending machine options in both countries was a huge step forward.”
http://www.theonion.com/articles/schlubs-from-us-china-meet-in-lowestlevel-talks,37662/
January 9, 2015
Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast
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