Top 10 Reasons the Sun is a Left-Wing Conspiracy

The Sun. "El Sol." "Helios." "That Yellow Eye-Burny Thingee." For going on the 6,000 years of Earth's existence, mankind has wondered about the nature and purpose of the great light in the sky. Well, wonder no more, for its true agenda has been exposed: The Sun, ladies and gentlemen, is a cosmic welfare program.

1. Provides free, universal light and heat.

Without the Sun's nonstop gravy-train of welfare energy, planet Earth would be a global iceball with no atmosphere slightly warmer than absolute zero - basically worldwide Michigan. But instead the Sun - that great celestial Sugar Daddy - showers us daily in unearned rewards.

How can we stop this unforgivable affront to capitalism, you ask? We can't. Free, abundant energy is forced upon us like a Red Army jackboot, brutally grinding our faces in pleasant weather and pretty foliage. Mr. Burns, we need you now more than ever!

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2. Disrespects private property.

Imagine an inconsiderate neighbor who twice a day shines a bright spotlight through your windows, and completely ignores your protests. Well, the Sun does that to literally everyone on the planet, and then buys our silence with the pacification of having liquid water and a gaseous atmosphere. No wonder it sets to the left, and turns the sky Red in the process. If it's not careful, some day the productive people of this planet will Go Galt to Pluto.

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3. Makes People Lazy

Go anywhere that people seek to connect with the Sun, and there is one thing you will definitely not see: Hard work. Instead, just a bunch of lazy people whiling away the day under the nurturing rays of Nanny Sun, basking in morally tainted light that at no point came from chopping or digging something. Children raised in this environment grow up thinking that the world will provide for them...because it does. The Yellow Orb of Socialism must be stopped!

4. Rises from the East

By the time sunlight reaches the United States, in its long uninvited path across our sky, it has already shone for most of the day upon all sorts of godless heathens and effeminate Socialist European nations. So the question must be asked, why do they get light before us? And how tainted is the light we receive by the attitudes of the smelly Frenchmen who have had it before us?

5. Costs Jobs

There is literally no greater cause of unemployment than the Sun. Think about it: Every iota of free energy and heat it provides is some amount of money not being spent in the energy, heating, and cold-weather survival industries - money that would otherwise create jobs! Now, you might ask if the jobs created by the Sun might outnumber those it takes away. You might ask that, but if you do, I'm calling Homeland Security on your Commie ass.

In any case, that's not the only way the Sun takes away valuable employment opportunities. It cuts street prostitute business hours in half; guts the profits of the lightbulb industry; undermines the business of bars and strip clubs; and imposes unnecessary self-loathing after an all-night drinking binge.

6. Remains threateningly out of reach of human weapons.

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If the sacred teachings of the NRA have taught us anything, it's that security comes from mutual terror and the omnipresent threat of instant destruction. How then can we possibly hope to demand respect from the Sun when it sits 93 million miles away?

Suppose the Sun were hijacked by terrorists? There would be nothing we could do about it! They could sell it on the black market, hold it for ransom, or crash it into an Olympic curling championship, and we would be powerless to stop it. I for one am tired of Big Sun interfering in our lives with no accountability. No insolation without representation!

7. Disproportionately favors California.

Nowhere is the Sun's left-wing bias more clearly demonstrated than in the double standard it applies to California vs. Arizona. In most of California, the Sun is a sweet, gentle, big-boobed friend-with-benefits who lights up your day and will give you a handy if you ask nicely.

But travel just a bit to the Southeast into Arizona and a different relationship applies: The Sun turns into an evil Nazi death-bitch who craves the taste of your bone marrow as a salad dressing. And let's not even get into its general absenteeism in that other great free market paradise, Alaska. It's always trying to punish hard-working, enterprising white people with a lot of guns. Speaking of which...

8. Turns white people brown.

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Is there any greater racist in the universe than the Sun? Not only will just a few minutes of exposure turn white people brown, but those white people who can't tan - whose rugged individualist skin refuses to conform with the dictates of socialist radiation - may get cancer due to their courageous stand for epidermal freedom.

Well, I don't know about you, but I call that genocide. Do you hear that, Sunkist and Sun Microsystems? Your names celebrate an astrophysical Hitler.

9. Where have we seen a yellow star before?

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It's in plain sight, people!

10. Oppressively forces people to see things.

Let's suppose your fat, geriatric neighbors are having sex in their patio hammock. Ordinarily you could be spared this horror by a lack of light, but of course there is the Sun, tyrannically shining down on everything where no one wants it! You simply cannot help seeing, and thus are traumatized forever. While some lazy, worthless light-moochers may want that free light, oftentimes the Sun just forces it on people whether they like it or not. Like Stalin. And if you complain, well, nothing will change. You must cower behind walls, blankets, and umbrellas like a hunted Resistance movement to escape its Sauron-like gaze.

Join Rand Paul in supporting his Freedom From Daylight initiative: Bold legislation that would command NASA to develop the means to destroy the Sun once and for all!