NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton invited Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont to concede the party's nomination to her. Clinton had just finished giving a speech at Columbia University when she learned the independent senator from Vermont officially announced he was becoming a member of the Democratic Party in order to challenge her.

"I invite Senator Sanders to do what is best for America and concede the Democratic presidential nomination to me," stated Clinton. She sipped some water from a Hillary 2016 water bottle before adding, "He can show his patriotism and his love of democracy by allowing Americans to choose between me and whatever cuckcoo bananas clown the Republicans come up with."

"Hear me, Bernie?" asked Clinton of her first challenger. She stopped in front of an open door to the black vehicle she had arrived in. "I will scorch the earth and make sensible policies you agree with sound like they are the worst kind of communism, especially if you go after Wall Street. I can only go so far to the left to get what I want and you do not want to be in my way."

"Upon hearing of Hillary Clinton's invitation for him to concede Sanders stated...

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari): Earlier this afternoon Dr. Dean Backmann, a renowned Des Moines proctologist, announced he was clearing former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum to run for the GOP nomination for president. This announcement is viewed by many political observers as the last hurdle both Huckabee and Santorum needed to clear before deciding whether they would run in 2016.

When asked which of the two were the most healthy Backmann said it was "a tough call." The doctor seemed to be carefully collecting his thoughts before elaborating on his answer.

"I don't know. Right off the bat, non-Christians are going to be deeply offended by both of their views. The same goes for moderate and liberal Christians who value civil rights," explained Backmann. The proctologist shrugged at the difficult assessment. "It's similar for scientists and anyone who respects acquiring knowledge through logical processes. Their positions on stem cell research, global warming, and environmental protection are comparably outrageous and mind-numbing."

"Huckabee comes off as being the best genuine specimen where Santorum seems like he is trying way too hard to be the best," said Backmann before dismissively waving his right hand at the press. "It's really like comparing two buckets of slime against each other - a real crapshoot."

"God, what have I done with my wicked life?" Robertson asked the Judeo-Christian deity he frequently launched fundraisers in the name of. The televangelist's eyes began to fill with water as he looked into the camera to address his son Gordon Robertson, a fellow 700 Club host who often filled in for him. "Gordon, I am so sorry that I turned you into the warped monster of avarice and hate you have become. I have completely failed you as a father and am ashamed to be the ring leader of this circus."

"I'm not joking, Terry," snapped Robertson. The televangelist scowled as he turned to face Meeuwsen. "We are false prophets and healers, agents of hate, and self-righteous financial predators that prey upon the most weak and vulnerable segments of our society."

At this junction someone off camera could be heard whispering "Pat stop" to Robertson, but the televangelist either could not hear his name being called or intentionally ignored it. "Take the Gospel of Luke for example," Robertson told the show's remaining viewers. "It tells us we should sell all of our possessions and give to the needy, and it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to reach heaven."

"And what do we do?" asked Robertson of God. "We give charity only on the condition people believe the same things we do and amass a shameful amount of wealth for ourselves. All the while we ignore the Gospel of Timothy, which tells us money is the root of all evil, and the Gospel of Mathew, which tells us we can only serve one master - either money or God. Well, I am a whore for money. We all know it."

HOUSTON, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari): On Monday morning Senator Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) held a press conference outside of his Houston home and claimed to have been medically cleared to run for the highest office in the country. "I know there has been some public concern about my mental health and some names like 'wacko bird' thrown around. That is why I stand here today to announce to America I have been given the thumbs-up by my psychiatrist, Doctor Hugo Eagle, to run for president," stated a grinning Cruz.

Cruz held up what appeared to be a typical rectangular doctor's note for all to see. "Dr. Eagle assures America my paranoia, histrionic personality disorder, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder are all at manageable levels for me to be the next president. After all, the gays and Muslims are coming for all of us, America is doomed without me unless I get to kick the poor and the sick off of social safety net programs, the world needs me because I am so smart, and.... why the hell is that reporter in the front row looking down and not paying attention to me?!

"Now where was I?" asked a smirking Cruz. "Oh, yeah. So my psychiatrist has cleared me to be president and everyone should just vote for me. Unless you want the communist, fascist, and freedom-hating Democrats to promote gay marriage, Shariah Law, the killing of Christians who have every right to hate anyone not like them, real solutions for global warming, giving immigrants amnesty, bankrupting America by guaranteeing everyone has healthcare, and the death of freedom itself."

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari): President Obama reassured Americans on Sunday afternoon the secretive Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) agreement being negotiated behind closed doors by corporate lawyers and unavailable for review by legislators in Congress "won't open the gates of hell." The president admitted he could understand such concerns and stated, "Just because the Republicans in Congress finally agree with me on something and will help me get this thing fast tracked through Congress does not mean it is completely rotten from the inside out or the gates of hell will open on various places on Earth."

"It is no secret the Republicans have tried to block every piece of significant legislation I have supported and they will likely be voting to hand over their authority to modify or even debate the TPP legislation," said a shrugging Obama. "Why can't we all just be happy about this rare moment of bipartisanship and ignore the fact my administration won't allow anyone not negotiating the TPP to actually read a draft of the agreement?"

When pressed by a reporter from Fox News about many Democrats in Congress being opposed to the TPP, the president conceded his party was having a little tiff over the free trade agreement. "Yes. I admit some Democrats don't agree with my administration on the TPP, but let's not make a big thing about politicians like Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders standing in opposition to it. They clearly don't stand for economic justice and the middle class like the GOP does."

BATON ROUGE, L.A. (The Nil Admirari): Speaking at a Republican fundraiser earlier today Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced how disappointed he was with many conservative politicians in the country for running away from the fight to allow bigoted religious Americans to decline service to the LGBT community. A potential GOP candidate for president, Jindal gave Americans a preview of what his campaign's vision for the county would look like by unveiling his "Separate and Unequal Social Policy."

"If a Christian business owner disapproves of the way someone else lives or looks that Christian merchant has the religious right to decline service to that person," Jindal said to the two hundred or so rich donors in attendance. The governor gave someone in the audience a playful wave as he continued, "In fact, I think my Separate and Unequal Social Policy is exactly the direction America needs to go in if we are truly going to be the land of the free. Otherwise, every American will be protected under the law and forced to treat each other with dignity and respect, and that is just not the American way."

"Because what the liberals don't want Americans to know is the Bill of Rights ensures American Christians the freedom to be as prejudice as they like so long as it is done because of a citizen's deeply held religious convictions," charged Jindal as he wrapped up his speech. The governor waited for the applause he received to end before finishing. "Well I can tell you here and now the radical liberal vision for America where everyone is treated equally is not my vision for America. My vision for America is a country where the freedom to be prejudice against other Americans is the ultimate expression of religious liberty just as our Founding Fathers intended."

Shortly afterward, dinner was served and the minimum wage waiter assigned to Jindal's table refused to serve the governor his meal. "My religion don't countenance me serving any black skinned individuals," waiter Darrel Mace explained to Jindal. It was later learned Mace was a member of a local Ku Klux Klan chapter.

TOPEKA, KANSAS (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today Kansas Governor Sam Brownback signed legislation that will only grant welfare benefits from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program to unregistered gun owners, registered Republicans, and/or those who live in a region of the state where their tap water catches on fire. The move is the second stab at the poor and most vulnerable members of Kansas society in a week.

On April 16th, Brownback signed HB 2258, which solved the rampant problem of TANF recipients spending welfare money at swimming pools, lingerie stores, tattoo parlors, movie theaters, casinos, cruise ships, psychic shops, and massage parlors instead of using the funds to buy essentials like food. "I don't know how these takers can go without eating food and spend their money on luxuries like tattoos and massages, but we don't have to worry about that anymore," stated Brownback after he signed the bill. A smirk developed on his face as he continued, "This will definitely solve the problem of homelessness and child poverty being at record levels in Kansas, and pave the way for more tax breaks for the deserving job creators. I'm sure that won't worsen the massive state deficit."

"The senator will not be seen as a man who listens to the overwhelming majority of scientists over the loud, strongly held beliefs of conservative Republican primary voters," stated Rubio 2016 Spokesperson Renee Krieger, whose legs and the podium they stood behind were being lapped by gentle waves in the three foot deep pool of the first floor of Rubio 2016 Campaign Headquarters. "And what better place to do that than here in a building that sits right off beautiful Miami Beach," she continued, seemingly unnerved by the increasing water level brought about by high tide.

"Because all of this climate change nonsense is nothing more than people with facts claiming the sky is falling," continued a refreshed Rubio. He placed his now half-full glass on a nearby desk. "Except, of course, it is the ocean rising that scientists and liberals are using to fear monger and scare Americans with their unimpeachable data and outrageously accurate forecasts."