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Member since: Sat Dec 3, 2016, 12:23 PM
Number of posts: 4,523

Journal Archives

Major Kong Rides the Bomb

Lets go out in style


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the first term in office, President Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the previous eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

New polls indicate that millions of Americans are put off by the President’s unorthodox verbal tic, which has Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opens his mouth.

Mr. Obama’s decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements, as well as his insistence on the correct pronunciation of the word “nuclear,” has harmed his reëlection hopes among millions of voters who find his unusual speaking style unfamiliar and bizarre.

According to Presidential historian Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, after eight years of George W. Bush many Americans find it “alienating” to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.


That Train Is Never Late

Thought this was relevant again.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore. “Listen, Uncle Joe is kind of behind the eight ball here, and in a couple days I won’t even have a pot to piss in—I sure as shit don’t need a pit boss hassling my ass about some completely bum charges I had thrown my way,” said Biden, who omitted convictions for check fraud and tax evasion from the form, as well as a “raw deal” arson rap from 2015, which the vice president explained was likely to be wiped from his record within the next few months if “Uncle Joe keeps his nose clean.” “The head honcho who gave me the paperwork seemed like a reasonable dude, so I doubt he’d give a rat’s ass about some of these charges. And there’s no way in hell anybody’s gonna find out about that whole mess down in Dover. That shit’s totally legal in half the other states.” Sources confirmed that Biden then listed the phone number and home address of his close friend Blaze when filling in the contact information for his parole officer.


I am going to miss The Onion's Biden articles.

What's Next? featuring Lin-Manuel Miranda

Thought you all would like this.

Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference

January 16, 2017

Politics · Politicians · Joseph Biden

WASHINGTON—Growing suddenly introspective as he flipped open his Whitesnake Zippo lighter in a West Wing hallway, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly came to the sad realization Monday that this could be the last time he tosses a lit firecracker into a White House press conference. “Aw shit, after today, I might never get another shot to whip an M80 into the Press Briefing Room again—end of an era, man, end of a goddamn era,” said Biden, who smiled wistfully while recalling all the “kickass” times he launched a handful of bottle rockets at the audience of unsuspecting “ink slingers.” “Back in the Senate, Orrin Hatch used to get his panties in a knot when I chucked a fat little cherry bomb under his seat. I shit you not, that fucker pissed himself more times than I could count. Don’t get me wrong, though, Ol’ Joe’s gonna keep on flinging bangers into crowds after I blow this joint, but hell, it’ll never be the same as this.” At press time, Biden was reportedly tying together the fuses of several firecrackers to give the press corps “something they’ll never fucking forget.


I am going to miss The Onion's Biden articles.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm. “We’re pleased to welcome Bo as an important addition to our organization, where his experience in Washington and familiarity with the West Wing will no doubt enormously benefit our clients,” said BHFS president Steven Farber of the 8-year-old Portuguese water dog, who will reportedly command an annual salary in excess of $750,000 and occupy a sizable corner office overlooking his former address at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. “In his time in the Oval Office, he’s met heads of government agencies, generals, and influential members of Congress, not to mention dozens of world leaders—that’s a truly incomparable level of access. Plus, he’s one of the most respected figures in the Beltway.” Farber went on to say that Bo was also the most adorable little munchkin ever hired in the history of the firm.


Will McAvoy's Apology (The Newsroom)

Given the times I thought this was relevant again.

Tea Party Explained


Thought this was relevant again given the times.

George Carlin - little things we have in common

Thought we could use some laughs.
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