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Member since: Sat Dec 3, 2016, 11:23 AM
Number of posts: 4,588

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Andrew Yang Loads Shotgun As Hissing, Crackling Copy Machine Lurches Towards Campaign Staff

WASHINGTON—Kicking off the power cord that was coiling itself around his ankle, Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang frantically attempted to load a shotgun Monday as a hissing, crackling copy machine lurched towards campaign staffers. “I’ve got the copier. Zach, you destroy the cell phones, and for God’s sake, everyone, stay away from the Keurig, it’s sparking,” said Yang, firing a shot that obliterated the sentient machine’s paper tray before pumping three more rounds into the dishwasher that had crept up behind him from the break room. “Quick, that fax machine is reactivating all the desktop computers, smash it before it gets to the thermostat. It’s me the electronics want, and they’ll kill anyone who gets in their way.” At press time, a lone iPad had beeped to life amidst the smoking ruins of democratic candidate’s former campaign headquarters, its charred, cracked screen reading only, “Yang Must Go.”


Mr. Yang is doing something right if The Onion is talking about him.

Barbara Jordan impeachment speech

Thought this was relevant

'That Place Is A Disaster,' De Blasio Watching Flooded NYC Subway On TV During Iowa Campaign Stop

PLEASANT HILL, IA—Shaking his head as he watched coverage of the city’s flooded subway system during a campaign stop, presidential candidate Bill de Blasio was overheard remarking Tuesday that New York appeared to be a complete and total disaster. “I can’t believe how miserable and hopeless that place looks,” de Blasio said as he visited the Pleasant Hill Diner in Iowa, observing that if he were elected president, then perhaps New Yorkers wouldn’t have to worry about such terrible things happening anymore. “How can people there stand it? I know I don’t want to live in a place like that. Somebody really ought to do something.” Before his aides ushered him to his next campaign event, De Blasio took one last look at the television and muttered that he was glad he didn’t have to deal with any of that mess.


As a New Yorker this is too accurate.

Hamilton: Yorktown (World Turned Upsidedown) Live

Happy 4th.
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