January 14, 2017

Trump wishing Hillary a Happy Birthday...

10/26 October 26th. Such a bad date. Terrible date. She's a Scorpio. The Zodiac people - and by the way, the Zodiac is so so bad, there was a serial killer named The Zodiac Killer, it's true, it's true - they chose Scorpio because it was short for Scorpion. I mean, come on, how much time does cutting one letter save you? It's one letter. And N, I mean, it's not a terrible letter. It's not as great as D or J or T - but not terrible. H - boy, that's such a horrible letter. The worst letter. R and C are pretty terrible too. Scorpion, you know what that is? You all know, I see everyone nodding. It's a predatory arachnid. I mean, unless you're lending, predators are bad bad things. Trust me you don't want a predatory arachnid around. She loves arachnids. Eight legs, 73 legs, 200 legs - she loves them all. So sad. The Zodiac people - again, so incompetent - they say Scorpioans are known for their composure. Are you kidding? She has the worst composure. The worst of all time. Worse than OJ Simpson. I used to like OJ, but then he did that horrible thing to Nicole. OJ never found the real killer. You know who has no alibi that day? This is interesting, they don't want you to know this. Rafael Cruz has no alibi the day Nicole was killed. OJ had an alibi. That Kato guy. Weird guy. Nutjob. Space cadet. But very reputable. People tell me all the time that my composure is the best thing about me. But Scorpianians are all loozers. I hate to say it, I won't say it. But they are loozers. Incompetent. You know who was a Scorpianian? Pat Sejak. That guy couldn't even spell. Literally couldn't spell. He needed that blonde woman to tell him how to spell. So so incompetent. What's worse? 1947. Terrible year. The worst. You know what happened in 1947? She let India and Pakistan break away from Britain. Everything was great until 1947. She's born and boom, India and Pakistan are set free to threaten each other. I love Indians, there's a great Indian restaurant in Mar-a-Lago. It's open year round because the Indians are OK with that kind of heat. Nobody else is. You know what else she screwed up in 1947? She let Britain nationalise the coal mines. Can you believe that? Nationalise! With an S! They can't even spell it with a Z. They don't want you to know, they are lying so they pronounce it the same. But they are lying and spelling it with an S. The British are like Pat Sejak, they need a blonde spelling out all their stupid stupid decisions. But that's when she started to hate miners, back when she was an embryo and she nationaliZed the mines in England. And here is something I couldn't believe. Listen to this, this is unbelievable. There were only 144 million people in America in 1947. Now? 320 million people. Do the math people - do we need the Vanna White of math? No, we can do it. That's 176 million more people. One hundred and seventy six million more people! Since she was born she has let 176 million people pour into our country. Our country would be half the size if it wasn't for her. I'm sure some were OK, maybe one out of every ten. But still. And 69 is a stupid stupid age. I went straight from 68 to 70. Our leaders want you to think you need to add 1 every birthday. But that's because the whole birthday system is rigged. I might not even accept my 71st birthday it's so rigged. We'll see, we'll see. Maybe I will. Gemini is a great sign. The best. That's not me saying it, that's what people tell me. Scorpianians tell me too. Gemini is the best of them all. The Zodiac people say Geminis are outgoing and talkative. Again, they are so wrong. So wrong. Look at me, am I outgoing and talkative? Maybe a little. People come up to me and say I'm talkative. But I don't respond to them to prove I'm not talkative. I say nothing. I just stand there. She says she'll be the youngest woman president. Such a cute line. She hires Madison Avenue to come up with these lines. And they test all these words, and they are in cahoots, the Madison Avenue people, in cahoots with the Zodiac people. Not the murderer Zodiac - who by the way she has yet to catch even though she's had decades to find him - the Zodiac company. They do all this testing and decide that calling me talkative is how to beat me. Such nasty people. They know I'm not talkative, but they say it anyway. So dishonest. Look at me, I haven't even said anything this whole time! I've been standing here in total silence!...

That was actually an email the mock debate stand-in for Trump, Philippe Raines, sent to Hillary Clinton on her birthday. Let's just say if anyone understands how Trump "thinks", it's Raines.

Read the accompanying article, it's priceless...

http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/01/philippe-reines-donald-trump-214630

January 14, 2017

A Modest Proposal

Remember when a Republican congressman interrupted one of Obama's State of the Union speeches by shouting, "You Lie!"?

Well, I propose that during Trump's first State of the Union speech (If he gets that far), the entire Democratic delegation should stand up and do the same to Trump, shouting in unison, "YOU LIE!".

It doesn't matter at what point in Trump's speech they do this. They could synchronize it by the clock, since he's sure to have told a lie every minute or two.

What dja all think?

January 14, 2017

14 Fake News Stories Created or Publicized by Donald Trump

Plenty more to come over the next four years. Except in future they will be official government proclamations.

14 Fake News Stories Created or Publicized by Donald Trump

1. Obama is a Kenyan Muslim who never attended Columbia University....
2. Hillary Clinton was too ill to serve as president....
3. Ted Cruz's father was involved in a plot to kill President Kennedy....
4. The Central Park 5 are guilty and deserve the death penalty (1989)....
5. The Central Park 5 are still guilty, against all evidence (2013 to present)....
6. 'Thousands and thousands of [Muslims] were cheering' on 9/11....
7. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was murdered....
8. Black people kill all the white people....
9. The members of this random black family are Trump supporters....
10. Millions of people in the U.S. voted illegally on November 8....
11. Climate change is a trick pulled on us by the Chinese....
12. Vaccines cause autism....
13. Marco Rubio is ineligible to be president....
14. Paid rabble-rousers protested the election results....

January 13, 2017

Watergate, Whitewatergate, Monicagate, Bridgegate, Emailgate, Nannygate, Travelgate, Weinergate...

And now, courtesy of our soon to be 45th President...


Goldengate...

January 12, 2017

Donald Trump Was Bailed Out of Bankruptcy by Russia Crime Bosses

Donald Trump Was Bailed Out of Bankruptcy by Russia Crime Bosses

Among the powerful facts that DNI missed were a series of very deep studies published in the [Financial Times] that examined the structure and history of several major Trump real estate projects from the last decade—the period after his seventh bankruptcy and the cancellation of all his bank lines of credit. ...

The money to build these projects flowed almost entirely from Russian sources. In other words, after his business crashed, Trump was floated and made to appear to operate a successful business enterprise through the infusion of hundreds in millions of cash from dark Russian sources....

The Trump Organization was a hollow shell and Trump was bankrupt, but Donald Trump the public figure was a “successful businessman,” a screen behind which criminal activity could be carried out on a massive scale. Throwing his name at every scheme in existence wasn’t a strategy, it was a fire sale on Trump’s respectability. Steaks? Water? Vodka? Fake real estate school? You pony up the cash, and Trump will slap his name on it. Because by the early 2000s, Trump wasn’t just broke, he had nothing left to pawn. He wasn’t a successful businessman, but he still played one on TV. His image had more value than his real estate portfolio.

But the apartments and buildings where Trump held some degree of ownership could be turned into value again. All it took was partnering with foreign crime bosses looking for a place to stash their cash. To inflate the value of his portfolio, Trump had to do nothing other than look away as the dirty money poured in from one LLC to the next. Citizens in Russia, Kazakhstan, and other former Soviet states lost hundreds of millions, but Trump got a cut as looted funds flowed through offices and apartments in buildings that carried those critical gold letters.

January 11, 2017

Seth Meyers Confronts Kellyanne Conway Over Trump Russia Briefing Reports

Seth Meyers Confronts Kellyanne Conway Over Trump Russia Briefing Reports
I love this snippet:

Conway was asked why it had taken Trump so long to hold a press conference with reporters. His first since being elected is scheduled for 11 a.m. ET on Wednesday.

"The president-elect has been busy forming his government," she said.

"But every president who puts together a government is busy," Meyers said.

"They haven't had…" Conway began.

"They haven't had to meet with Kanye," Meyers interrupted.

January 10, 2017

What would you do if President Trump showed up at your front door?

What would you do if President Trump showed up at your front door?

1) Invite him in
2) Slam the door in his face
3) Berate him for his latest tweet
4) Refuse to open the door
5) Call Vlad and tell him his dog is loose

January 10, 2017

Seth Meyers: Trumps Unhinged Meryl Streep Tweets Are Meant to Distract You from Putin

Seth Meyers: Trump’s ‘Unhinged’ Meryl Streep Tweets Are Meant to Distract You from Putin

“Trump’s impulsive stream-of-consciousness tweets might seem embarrassing for an incoming president,” Meyers said, “but Trump is apparently proud of his Twitter presence,” even boasting that friends call him “the Ernest Hemingway of Twitter.”

“Though I would say you’re just the Ernest of Twitter,” Meyers said, referring to the Jim Varney movies of the early ’90s. “Seriously, if Ernest Hemingway heard you say that, he would kill himself again.”

...

Meyers went on to mock Trump for his seeming incoherence on anything having to do with computers and suggesting hand-delivered messages were preferable to electronic communication.

“Great, or you could just go full Lannister and communicate by raven,” the host said, referencing Game of Thrones. “Oh wait, you can’t,” he added. “I just remembered: A Lannister always pays his debts.”

January 8, 2017

5 Deranged Right-Wing Moments This Week From Trump on Down

5 Deranged Right-Wing Moments This Week From Trump on Down

1. Trump displayed one of the sicker parts of his mentality.... “Gross negligence by the Democratic National Committee allowed hacking to take place,” he tweeted, “The Republican National Committee had strong defense!”

2. Kellyanne Conway has a bizarre misunderstanding of her own style.... In a contentious interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo this week, Kellyanne Conway did all the dodging, bobbing and weaving she could muster to avoid answering the direct question Cuomo had posed about hacking. The topic was Trump’s false assertion that no one brought up the hacking story until after the election.

3. Mitch McConnell turns out to have hilarious sense of humor.... Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell seems to have a case of amnesia that unfolds over a longer time frame than the nine minutes that passed between Trump’s contradictory tweets. McConnell’s response to Schumer’s laying down of the gauntlet was: “Apparently there’s yet a new standard now, which is to not confirm a Supreme Court candidate at all. I think that’s something the American people simply will not tolerate.”

5. Newt Gingrich crawls out from under a rock to say something stupid.... In a shocking development (not), Trump fanboy Newt Gingrich blamed President Obama for the fact that four black Chicagoans committed a horrific crime.

January 7, 2017

10 Trump Fails and Lies from Just This Week

10 Trump Fails and Lies from Just This Week

Every post-election week with Donald Trump feels like an eternity. The details change but the story stays the same: Trump whines, lies and pleads for attention, scrambling facts, fiction and conspiracy into a fatiguing, but now familiar blend. Last week followed the same formula, with Trump pretending not to know what he knows and to be an expert in everything he doesn’t know, all while waging petty wars using time that could be spent boning up on policy. He ended the week with an intelligence briefing (we’ve sunk so low, PEOTUS doing his job qualifies as news), but it did little to markedly shift the tone. And in that tone is the message, "We are so screwed."

So we don’t forget, here’s a look back at just 10 of Trump’s most recent lies and fails....

1. Calling for an investigation of NBC instead of the Russian hacks....
2. Making personal calls instead of doing his friggin’ job....
3. Accepting Julian Assange’s word over 17 intelligence agencies....
4. Admitting he duped his no-nothing voter base on the border wall, then lying again....
5. Lying about having a hand in every job-saving deal....
6. But refusing to take credit for job losses....
7. Calling Democratic senator Chuck Shumer a 'clown,' then saying we need to unite 9 minutes later...
8. Throwing Obama’s political ambassadors and their families out on short notice....
9. Scheduling a news conference to distract from his appointee hearings....
10. Still publicly smarting about being dissed by all the cool-kid pop stars for his little inauguration thing.