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FakeNoose

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Name: Kathy Hinsman
Gender: Female
Hometown: Pittsburgh PA
Home country: USA
Current location: Pittsburgh
Member since: Sat Feb 18, 2017, 02:16 PM
Number of posts: 13,619

Journal Archives

Here's another joke

MARRIAGE IN HEAVEN

A young Catholic couple, on their way to get married, are involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

With marriage being on their mind, the first question they asked St. Peter was, “Can we get married in heaven?”

St. Peter said, “Let me go find out.”

The couple waited. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After three months, St. Peter finally returns, looking completely bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” replied the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “Oh, come on!”, he shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?”


The Blonde Undertaker

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the blonde mortician hands the uncashed check back to her.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" the widow says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

- - -

Ahem, as a blonde myself, I need to add that this wasn't such a bad solution.

December 15 - Happy Birthday Senator Mark Warner (D) VA



My fellow Pittsburghers will get this joke




The cranky wife

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me."

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone…
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote... "I can see your feet. We're out of bread: be back in five minutes."




December 13 - Happy Birthday Rep. Donald Norcross (D) NJ-1st



December 13 - Happy Birthday Rep. Jamie Raskin (D) MD-8th



December 13 - Happy Birthday Rep. Anna Eshoo (D) CA-18th



In praise of Grandmas everywhere



December 10 - Happy Birthday Rep. Harley Rouda (D) CA-48th



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