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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 273

Journal Archives

Placid Pelosi Plucks Petulant President's Pulpit...Perfection! (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Folks, at this point, I'd really love it if a bunch of orderlies burst through the door, tied me to a hospital bed, and administered shock therapy, because that might mean that I'm locked up in an asylum in a bad 50's movie, and that none of this is really happening. I'm pretty sure it's all real though, so let's wade through it and get on with our weekends.

(As is customary, this post can be found, with all sorts of helpful links, on my blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/placid-pelosi-plucks-petulant-presidents-pulpit-perfection/)

“You come at the Queen, you best not miss.” This is the lesson President Crotchrot learned this week, as Speaker Pelosi yanked the bully pulpit from his tiny, inadequate, hands, pointing to the “No shirt, no open government, no State of the Union speech” sign in the Speaker's office. “Oh, you want a captive prime time audience so you can spin and lie and blame Democrats for your shutdown? Instead of that, how would you like a big fat plate of my shit?” More on this later.

Well, you've finally done it. You've gone and pissed Mike Pants off. The Vice President’s hairshirt is halfway up his ass because folks're criticizing Mother for taking a job at a school that prohibits LGBTQ students or staff, or to put it in plain English, a fucking bigoted school. Like all religious fanatics, Mr. Pants furiously insists that his own personal prejudices be granted the protections of "religious liberty." As for the rights of those the school discriminates against, he growled, "The little deviants should count themselves lucky we don't throw them in fucking camps!” Or at least you know he really really really wanted to.

It was actually a banner week for ol’ Number Two, as he took a page from George W. Bush's (coloring) book, proclaiming MISSION ACCOMPLISHED in Syria just as ISIS claimed responsibility for an attack that killed four Americans. Not a bright lad, that Vice President.

An inspector general's report says the General Services Administration ignored the Constitution in allowing Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot to continue leasing the post office he uses for his tacky-ass Washington, D.C. hotel. So, this “Constitution” thing...are we still doing that? Is the rule of law still a thing? I'm really asking, by the way.

Lordy, somebody put The Goalposts on the missing persons list; they were last seen getting shoved into an unmarked van by Noticably Decomposing Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani. Where they are now, nobody knows. Rudy's steady, gradual, progression from “Donald Trump is as the most innocent newborn babe, pure as the driven snow” to “Ok, so he was surrounded by crooks and traitors but he was too busy cheating on his wife to commit any crimes himself,” has been, I confess, awfully amusing to watch.

With Steve King's shocking racism, which nobody knew about ‘til two weeks ago, vanquished at last, the GOP marched boldly forward, free from the chains of bigotry that once held them down. Except for Congressjag Jason Smith, who screeched “GO BACK TO PUERTO RICO” at Congressman Tony Cárdenas, on the floor of the House, which, now that I think about it, is maybe sorta racist.

You probably hadn't heard of Jason Smith before this. This is a perfect example of Shower Cap's 7th Principle of Conservative Politics: Whenever you hear a rank-and-file Republican Congressman's name for the first time, it's because he did something criminal or hateful or in direct contradiction to his own loudly-professed morals, or any combination of the preceding.

Anyway, we were discussing how Extremely Not Racist the post-Steve King Republican Party is. Congressdopes Andy Harris and Phil Roe brought Holocaust-denying Internet Troll Chuck Johnson to Capitol Hill for a meeting, and also to show off their Not Steve King cred, cuz only super un-racist dudes hang out with known white supremacists, “to discuss genetic testing and DNA.” Oh, you hadn't heard of either Harris or Roe? Consult Cap's 7th Principle.

Don't worry though, Steve, the “religious” right has your back! Yes, several of the most prominent fake Christians in America banded together to demand King be reinstated to his committees, because while most folks have enough basic human decency to understand that a guy who hangs out with Nazis is not a good guy, that bar is still somehow too high for these pompous, perpetually-moralizing, goons to clear.

Anyhow, Government Cheese Goebbels himself surely cleared up the whole “racism” misunderstanding once and for all, with the revelation that he fought to deny Puerto Rico access to any disaster relief funding at all in the wake of Hurricane Maria, and that's so fucking evil I won't make a joke about it. I am very tired, my friends, of seeing the powers of our federal government weaponized by hateful men to hurt the vulnerable.

That's not really fair of me, I know. I need to be inclusive. It's wrong to ignore the hateful women who are also hurting people. So let's talk about Kirstjen Nielsen, who's spent the last few months of her life implementing and lying about the Pigshit Administration's abominable child separation policy. Turns out, these fucks separated thousands more children from their families than we knew about, and they were doing it for months before they announced the policy to public.

Fortunately, Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley is on the case, calling on the FBI to investigate Secretary Nielsen for lying about this atrocity she's been committing in our name. I hope it happens. I know lying to Congress is the hip new trend with these fucks, but it's still a federal crime.

Well, we've uncovered possibly the most pathetic aspect of the massive criminal enterprise that landed the Individual Wonder in the Oval Office; a scheme to rig online polls in his favor. Online polls. One of them was on the Drudge Report, for fuck's sake....can you imagine spending money (or boxing gloves, even) to fix a fucking Drudge poll? I'm starting to understand why this dolt needed his daddy to bail him out so many times.

A federal judge administered a much-deserved spanking to Scott Walker over his not-just-lame-but-truly-pathetic-duck session attack on voting rights, leading Wisconsin Republicans to retreat to their underground lair to plot fresh new attacks on democracy, and also to brainstorm proposals on how to get rid of Dick Tracy.

Ex-U.S. Senator/Prostitute Aficionado David Vitter, whose career in electoral politics was utterly obliterated by my all-time favorite political ad, has found a new career, as a paid Russian agent (or “lobbyist” if you're feeling generous), working on behalf of sanctioned Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska. Who says there are no second acts in American lives?

Anyhow, we're still stuck in the Big Dumb Government Shartdown, because a certain fuckhead backed himself into a corner and can't find his way out. But whatever the Shart of the Deal lacks in negotiating skill, he more than makes up for in childlike petulance, and he figured the best available move was to cancel a Congressional trip to Belgium and Afghanistan, headed by Speaker Pelosi herself.

Did this act interfere with Congress’ duty to oversee our foreign wars? Yep. Did it endanger lives, because of course these trips are kept secret for security reasons? Of course! But Il Douche sure did own the libs, didn't he? DIDN'T HE?

...oh wait, actually he just made sure Pelosi stayed in town to keep on hammering him as his poll numbers keep on falling amidst his unpopular showdown. If this were a fable, he'd realize “In owning the libs, I succeeded only in owning myself,” and congratulate himself on a hard-learned lesson, but this isn't a fable, and he is incapable of any form of learning.

I guess the entire rationale behind the shutdown at this point is an anonymous quote in a horseshit, fear-mongering, Examiner article from a rancher who says she found a prayer rug on her property, and I'm sure the “prayer rug” turns out to be a Spongebob beach towel, or a Cardinals hoodie, or, y'know, nothing.

Say, I heard something about some big Buzzfeed article last night? I was deeply engrossed in some Tolstoy* at the time, so I haven't gotten to it yet, but it's probably nothing. I mean, what could really be so important at this point? What, did the President order Michael Cohen to lie to Congress, or something? Because that would be news. That would put impeachment on the table. That would actually put impeachment right in the center of the table, displacing whatever creepy-ass centerpiece Melania picked out.

By now you know that this is exactly what the Buzzfeed article says, and that I couldn't come up with a better gag to drop it into this blog. That's okay, you probably need don't any added humor to laugh your ass off at how much trouble Shart-Shart is in now. Nixon trouble. Supporting-character-in-a-Jurassic-Park-movie trouble.

And because every so often life is genuinely perfect, it turns out Senator Amy Klobuchar asked the Adderall-Addled Assclown's Attorney General nominee, William Barr, about just such a scenario, during his confirmation hearing this very week. “Oh yeah, that shit's criminal as fuck, Senator,” said Barr, “You'd have to be a massive fucking idiot, and a giant crook to boot, to try something like that.”

Of course, as I was writing this, news broke of the Mueller office disputing aspects of the article. This is fairly significant, since the Mueller team never comments on anything, even that one time the President referred to the Special Counsel as a “lying poohead.” Well, thanks Bob. We were all only having a little fun. It's like showing up to the birthday party and all the kids are wearing funny hats and shit and then they open the pizza boxes but there's no pizza inside only math homework.

Everybody's trying parse out precisely what the statement means, and I'd offer my two cents, but ultimately, I'm just a schmuck in a bathrobe, so I'll leave this one to the experts.

Desperate for a distraction, Team Treasonweasel announced a second summit with North Korea's Kim Jong-un, because when you're about to get impeached, even being outmaneuvered by a cheap, third-world, dictator in front of the whole planet counts as improved coverage, I guess. In lieu of a challenge coin, the government will be issuing a ceremonial string of anal beads, each depicting an empty promise Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops fell for.

Anyway, looks like the Velveeta Vulgarian has scheduled another televised announcement for tomorrow afternoon. Will it be the long-teased emergency declaration? Nothin’ like a little tyrannical power grab to kick the weekend off right. I wonder if they'll allow tailgating at the gulag.

Alright, that’s all I got for ya, folks. We're expecting some snow up here tonight, so I gotta rush out and stock up on supplies** before it hits. If I missed anything, well, get your own damn news, I'm not a machine, y'know.

*playing MarioKart drunk


P.S. Getting back to the SotU reverse invite, here's a little bonus content for any Alanis fans out there:

NANCY PELOSI strides to stage, clad in an oversized button-up shirt and leather pants. She sits down at the piano, and begins to sing:

Like anyone would be
I am amused by your struggles dealing with me
Like any left-leaning Speaker
I have concerns for the union and its state

But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
A quite deliberate slight

Must be mighty frustrating
To watch your spotlight fade
Must be truly exciting
Spewing hate speech in prime time

But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
A quite deliberate slight

Like any other woman with power
I must seem greatly confusing
You're used to Paul Ryan
Capitulating with a smile on his face

But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
A quite deliberate slight

I don't think you unworthy
Oh wait I totally do. Eat my shit.

(And then Steny Hoyer straight fuckin’ shreds that solo)

The Bonespur Butthead Bigot's Burger Blunder, and Other Bnews (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Well folks, I keep on pinching myself, and I can't seem to wake up, so I am resigned to the conclusion that all this shit is indeed happening in real life. And people wonder why I drink. Well, let's dive in...

And yes, like so many posts before it, this one is available on Cap’s humble blog site, with all those news links you know and love: http://showercapblog.com/the-bonespur-butthead-bigots-burger-blunder-and-other-bnews/

Just to get the boring shit out of the way up front, Forbes says Dorito Mussolini sold $35 million in real estate last year, often to buyers using limited liability companies to remain anonymous. That would've been the single biggest scandal of the entire Obama administration, Sean Hannity would've popped every vein in his forehead in glee that he got to cover it, it's corrupt as fuck, and you'll have forgotten it by the end of this post.

If your New Year's resolution involved giving up schadenfreude, Alex Jones sure is making things hard on you. He just keeps on losing in court, this time a judge granted the discovery request of the Sandy Hook families who're suing his punk ass for, you know, terrorizing them in the wake of the unspeakable tragedy they suffered. Word of advice though: if you're poking around in that nutjob's drawers and closets...wear gloves.

Visibly Deteriorating Cousin Fucker Rudy Giuliani thinks Shart Garfunkel's legal team should get the chance to “correct” any report produced by Bodacious Bob Mueller and his team, which is frankly fucking adorable. Like a suspect telling the D.A. she can show the jury the murder weapon, but only so long as he's allowed to remove all evidence of his DNA from it first.

So, you probably remember a few weeks back when the Senate passed a bill making lynching a federal crime. And I bet it surprised you, to learn that lynching wasn't already a federal crime. Y'know what won't surprise you? Learning that a group of evangelical “Christians” wants to strike language from the bill referencing LGBTQ people. While these folks aren't so good at “following the teachings of the actual Bible” or “basic human decency,” you have to admit they're remarkably consistent.

Every so often, I come across a headline I couldn't possibly hope to improve upon. “Social Security official: Married working mothers hurt society, condoms rob women of “remarkable chemicals” in semen” is one such headline. Moving on.

Speaking of The'Best People, seems Richard Grenell isn't winning friends or influencing people over in Germany. Who could have predicted that making a right-wing troll your ambassador, and letting him meddle in domestic politics would backfire so spectacularly, except for literally everyone?

Tragedy in Griftopia as the plot to crowdfund the Big Stupid Wall was revealed for the cheap con it so obviously always was, with the shady character behind it attempting to divert the proceeds to a “nonprofit” of his own founding. Now, GoFundMe is refunding every idiot, racist, dollar. Disappointed backers can console themselves that at least there'll be a little more spare change in the meth budget this month.

The Shart Administration’s deep commitment to populism was on display when economic adviser Kevin Hassett congratulated all the furloughed federal workers on their unexpected bonanza of vacation time! Yes, it's just like a vacation, Kev, except instead of dropping acid and going on It's a Small World or puking your way through a Napa Valley wine tour, you're making fun decisions about whether to pay your rent or pick up your child’s lifesaving prescription from the pharmacy! More of a staycation, really.

We're generally at a lull in the Shartdown; everybody's seen the stuff on the National Parks closing and the TSA screener furloughs, so those little bits of senseless suffering are old hat by now. To spice things up, why not sample some of the articles on the needless damage yet to come should Tangerine Idi Amin continue holding the nation and its economy hostage to his fragile ego?

Still he spent the weekend roaming the halls of an empty White House, exactly like the Beast in Disney's Beauty and the Beast, only none of the furniture could talk and instead of being a basically likable tragic figure, he's a massive asshole loathed all over the world.

Anyway, the House keeps passing bills to open the government, and Mitch McConnell keeps locking ‘em up in his desk, next to his decency and his respect for the Constitution. The good news is, Strawberry Shartcake says he doesn't care what we call the wall! Call it “Peaches,” call it “Herb,” it's all the same to him. But I bet that even if you appropriated 20 billion dollars for the wall on the condition that he had to call it “Donald Trump isn't as wealthy as he claims to be” and paint that phrase on every inch, he'd turn it down.

Hey, didja see that story where the Tangelo-Tinged Treasonweasel keeps doing everything he can to conceal the contents of his private meetings with Vladimir Putin from even his own advisors, up to and including confiscating his interpreter's notes? Wow, that's kinda weird, don'tcha think? Thank God there's no evidence that the Russians worked to install him in power or that he maybe colluded with them to attack American democracy or that he seems to be doing Putin's bidding at every turn, because if any of that happened, I'd have some serious concerns, friends. I might even write my Congressman a sternly-worded letter, under those circumstances.

It's not surprising, but still utterly insane, to see the GOP continue shrugging off every new revelation, however damning. Ted Cruz was seen in an Austin tattoo parlor, getting a tramp stamp that reads “Property of the Guy Who Insulted My Wife and My Dad.” Meanwhile Lindsey Graham gets more and more treasonous by the hour. I half expect him to hijack a nuclear submarine and defect.

Bad news for anyone holding out hope for Sharty McFly to ever receive his comeuppance, as he called into Jeanine Pirro's show to suggest that somebody really oughtta look into Michael Cohen's father-in-law rather than all this collusion and what have you. Bob Mueller, who watches Judge Jeanine religiously, immediately shouted “Pack it in, boys! I want everybody on this Michael Cohen's Father-in-Law guy right this minute! He's clearly the real threat here!” Anyway, you'd think witness tampering would get boring after awhile, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Speaking of the Bobadook, word on the street* is, he's looking into a meeting attended by Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn, and a whole bunch of foreign officials. When Devin got this news, he was so distraught, he couldn't even finish fucking the pig he'd procured for the evening, but he paid her in full because though he is a traitor, he is a gentleman, if only to the pigs he fucks.

The American court system has surely grown tired of winning in their multi-front conflict with the Shart Administration. The attempt to give your employer power to decide whether or not you're allowed to have birth control? Blocked. The malicious plan to turn the census into a tool of fear and oppression via the needless inclusion of a citizenship question? Smacked down. The case seeking to force the President to tie his tie at an appropriate length like a goddamn grown-up is still pending, however.

And President Gas Station Urinal Cake is already lashing out at his shiny new (acting) Chief of Staff, but at least that gave me an excuse to google “You fucked it all up, Mick.” As is customary for advisors who displease the Turd Emperor, Mulvaney was ordered to spend the night in the Rose Garden doghouse, the walls of which contain the fading remnants of an ongoing tic tac toe game between Jeff Sessions and Rex Tillerson.

Suddenly, utterly without precedent and completely out of nowhere, Steve King magically transformed into a racist person, much to the dismay of his political party. The House GOP took action at lightning speed, condemning this never-before-seen-no-not-even-once behavior, stripping King of his committee assignments, and passing a resolution condemning white supremacy (which a desperately floundering King himself hilariously voted for), before getting back to work demanding funds for the mega-racist border wall that he's been fighting for his whole political life.

Fortunately King is an outlier in an otherwise totally racism-free party. Except for this lady, who is, we must admit, a touch on the hateful side. Oh, and that one guy who thought it was a good idea to invoke the Wounded Knee massacre for a “joke” about Elizabeth Warren, who was that again? Oh right, the President.

The Very Fine and Much Less Racist Than Steve King Wink Wink President also attacked the Congressional Hispanic Congress for leading a trip to Puerto Rico for a fundraiser for the victims of Hurricane Maria, still suffering after his Criminally Insufficient Not at All Driven by Racism response. To exacerbate the tension, I'm told no paper towels were thrown at the CHC's event.

Folks, someday I'll be on my death bed, and my mind will have deteriorated to the point where it's all but leaking out my ears, and the very last thing I will remember on this earth will be this thing with Fat Q*Bert, the Clemson Tigers, and the fast food. You know the story by now of course, but a chronicler’s gotta chronicle, so here goes:

Hosting the college football champs in the White House during the shutdown, the Velveeta Vulgarian was faced with a dilemma; how do you feed your guests when your kitchen staff is furloughed? Well, if you're cheap, and you're tacky, and you're also a great big fucking idiot, you just order a bunch of fast food. And then, and this is the true genius stroke, you let it sit out till it gets cold, while you invite reporters to photograph this monument to your titanic stinginess, before feeding everybody nasty-ass room temperature burgers. It's the DonaldTrumpest thing that's ever happened.

Of course he made sure to tell everyone he paid for it his own self with his own money. (Which of course is almost certainly not true. And you know the cheap bastard didn't tip the delivery driver.) What I'll never forget is the sight of him, gazing out with pride upon the bounty he'd provided, like a little kid who's just made a castle on the lawn out of the dog's shit.

How old were you when you figured out McDonald's was 100% revolting if you let it sit out? Like, five? You tried it once, and never did it again for the rest of your life. It was probably your very first adult decision.

The Failing New York Times reports that Hairplug Himmler keeps pestering his advisors, “Can we pull out of NATO yet? How about now? How about now?” until John Bolton threatens to turn this car around and go home. Look, just because the President is actively working to undermine the post-WWII international order that's kept the peace for decades and just because that's exactly what Vlad Putin has asked Santa Clause for every year since he was 3 doesn't mean that the President is a Russian asset, but I have to admit that there aren't a lot of other options that make sense.

The Senate Judiciary Committee held Attorney General nominee William Barr's confirmation hearing today. It doesn't seem to have been very funny, but I thought you should know about it anyway. Barr seems like a really dangerous partisan hack who won't make a very good AG, but after Sessions and Whitaker, I feel better about him, because my standards have been stomped to jelly. Sources say potential Democratic presidential candidates on the committee were a little bummed this hearing would offer fewer opportunities for righteous pontification than that time they all got to yell at Brett Kavanaugh.

Across the pond, Theresa May's Brexit deal fell apart after being rejected by Parliament, which is kind of like Congress, only with sillier hats and monocles probably. I'm not super-familiar with British politics, but my understanding is, she will now be pinned to the cricket pitch using wickets while the batsman does some other English, cricket-y things...I'm tired, you fuckin’ finish the joke.

It's very probable I missed some shit tonight, as I am once again all fucked up on allergy meds. Did we invade Venezuela yet? Feel free to point out my shortcomings in the comments.

*And by “the street” I mean “the Daily Beast.”

"Suddenly Steve King," From the Smash Musical, LITTLE SHOP OF BIGOTS

Hello Shower Captives! There's been a little bit too much real life to deal with today, and I'm unable to get the usual Monday blog up, but I'll catch you up tomorrow. To tide you over, here's a little reimagining of a Broadway classic for you:

(There are even links in this one, check it out on Cap's site: http://showercapblog.com/suddenly-steve-king-from-the-smash-musical-little-shop-of-bigots/)


Furrow your brow
Look mad on Jake Tapper
Denounce that hate speech
Send a self-righteous tweet

With the same hand
Grab your dog whistle
We're all just as bad
But much more discreet

Suddenly Steve King
Turned out to be racist
It just happened last week
And none of us knew

Suddenly Steve King
And how should we face this?
With fake condemnation
Steve King, fuck you


None of you ever said shit about his
Decades of hatred; did you, Ted Cruz?
He hung around with those Austrian Nazis
Did you not notice? It was on the news.

Suddenly Steve King
Is too racist for you?
You sought his endorsement
He chaired your campaign
“Suddenly” Steve King's
Begun to abhor you
What fake condemnation
And phony disdain


Tell me that someone's buying this bullshit
Tell me the media will quickly move on


Please understand that we noticed your silence
Your years of enabling can't just be withdrawn

Suddenly Steve King
(Suddenly Steve King)
He showed who you are
(He showed who we are)

Suddenly Steve King
(Suddenly Steve King)
Still in your clan
(You mean Klan)

Not just a wee fling
With white nationalism
(With white nationalism)

With fake condemnation
(With fake condemnation)
With fake condemnation
(With fake condemnation)
With fake condemnation

Steve King's your maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

Presidential Shutdown Strategy: Walls Within Walls, Maaaaaaan

Hey hey, Shower Captives! Kind of a slow day, I almost didn't think it was worth bloggin’ about HA HA JUST KIDDING THERE WAS ACTUALLY ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT GOING ON BUT I WAS ALL, “NAH, NOT MUCH NEWS,” SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

Anyway...shit be cray. Let's do this. And yeah, if you want all those helpful news links, click over to the blog site: http://showercapblog.com/presidential-shutdown-strategy-walls-within-walls-maaaaaaan/

So, about an hour after I got the last post up, I saw that article with that one flustered Trump voter, who, panicked that her Turd Emperor's blundering incompetence was now wrecking her life, and things weren't as much fun as they'd been in the heady days of shrieking “lock her up” alongside her fellow maniacs, whinged, “he’s not hurting the people he needs to be hurting,” which historians and social scientists quickly agreed was the Most Revealing Thing Ever Said in All Human History.

A lot of folks are enjoying a little schadenfreude at this particular MAGAt's struggles, but I don't think that's really fair. Separate her from her family, throw her in an ice-cold cage in a concentration camp on the border, without medical care, and then we can talk about fair.

Holy heck, Donnie Dotard's old campaign chairman is even more #Manafucked than we thought! We learned about still another shady-ass meeting between Manafort and th'Russians, this time in Madrid, which he lied about, oh, and also he shared polling data with a Kremlin-connected oligarch, and I can't speak for you, but that sounds lightly treasonous to me.

Now folks, there is just no fucking standard where GIVING THE RUSSIANS YOUR PROPRIETARY POLLING DATA does not fit the definition of “colluding with the Russians,” but damn if you don't still see powerful Republicans trying! It's fucking weird watching American politicians tie themselves up in knots looking for a way to excuse a foreign attack on the United States, isn't it? Like if you saw some jowlsy old southern Senator try to wave off Pearl Harbor as an overenthusiastic pizza delivery.

And we only found out about this shit because Manafort's lawyers fucked up and forgot to redact it in their filing. Precocious Paul might have standing to appeal on a Holy Fuck I Was Represented By Doorknobs basis.

But there's more from the Russian front, with an old character making a surprise return. Yes, Natalia V. Veselnitskaya, of the famed and much-lied-about Trump Tower meeting, has gotten herself indicted in a money-laundering case. While this indictment doesn't have anything to do with the Mueller investigation, it does reveal our Natalia has been somewhat less than honest about her Kremlin ties. Gosh, and she seemed so sweet. Hell, Junior practically took her home to meet the folks.

The Oversight Renaissance is heating up, chums! Steve Mnuchin has been summoned to the principal's office to explain why the fuck he's been working so hard to lift sanctions on one of Vlad Putin's oligarch pals. Expect Secretary Mnuchbag to respond to inquires with “Who knows why the fuck I do anything? I'm not qualified for this job! None of us are! Ben Carson's using half of HUD's office space to store grain!”

Acting Attorney General/Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker is getting a subpoena of his very own! New House Judiciary Chair Jerry Nadler is committed to discovering whether or not Whitaker possesses the equivalent intelligence of a dolphin, or a well-trained dog, and I commend him.

Every boy wants to impress his father, and I guess when Dad's racist clod, you behave like Donald Trump, Jr. The little shit tweeted out the most horrifying casual bit of revolting dehumanization you'll see outside the comments section on a Daily Stormer article, like it was a cat video. Look, I don't ask for much in this life, but I would very much like to see this malignant little shitweasel lose every single unearned dollar and die destitute in prison. If you ever see me throwing a coin in a fountain, that's what I'm wishing for.

I guess President Crotchrot’s attention span wandered long enough to recollect one of his older, neglected, petty grievances, as he farted out a random tweet blaming California wildfires on the stubborn, liberal, flammability of forests. Anyway, if there's a stupidity gene, it hasn't skipped any generations in the Trump family.

A visit from the Ghost of Grifters Past, as Scott Pruitt somehow continues to find himself in brand new trouble despite having been thrown out the airlock several months ago. Looks like Scotty was accepting bribes, excuse me “donations to his legal defense fund” from a wealthy Republican donor back when he was running the EPA. Plus, you totally know it was him who ate every single lunch anybody ever left in the break room fridge.

Possibly the most baffling story of the day is the news that the Shart Administration is hammering out a bill that would grant Government Cheese Goebbels insane unilateral powers to raise tariffs any time he needed to blow off steam after a shitty round of golf. I've never seen delusion on this level; after wrecking havoc on the stock market and crotch-punting so many American businesses with your dumbfuck trade war, you imagine anyone's thirsty to expand your authority to fuck shit up? It's like asking you dad if he'll buy you a Porsche ten minutes after he grounds you.

Hey, I don't know if you know this, but it seems like Iowa Congressjag Steve King is something of a racist. The Failing New York Times revealed this shocking news with an In-Depth Deep Dive Into Things Steve King Has Said Out Loud in Front of Everyone. Anyway, Steve's super-upset. Maybe he'll sue himself for defamation.

Hey, I hope you like shutdown news, because boy howdy do I have a lot of shutdown news. I went to Costco for toilet paper and jelly beans, but there was this big fat family pack of shutdown news, and the price was just too tempting. I just hope there's room in my freezer.

Well, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits successfully bullied the TV networks into giving him free airtime to spew his hateful propaganda, but he wasn't able to capitalize, because, stripped of a crowd of riled up hateyokels, he comes off like your grandpa complaining about the grocery store moving the hot dog buns to a different aisle.

Even better, Smallhands Magoo's little diatribe did worse in the ratings than the Pelosi/Schumer response which followed. Now, as much as I love them, let's just say Chuck n’ Nancy awkwardly sharing a podium doesn't tend to generate a level of excitement on par with a secret Beyoncé album dropping, so you know this is extra-humiliating. Hee.

The next day, the Shart of the Deal really put on a negotiating clinic, asking congressional Democrats to give him the wall money they've been denying, because he thinks if you just keep pestering mom and dad they'll buy you the ice cream cone just to get you to shut the fuck up. Well, Wee Don didn't get his ice cream, so he threw a tantrum and walked out. The joke was on him though, as Democrats pocketed all the candy he'd brought the moment he was gone. SUCKER!

Now he's claiming he never actually said that Mexico was really gonna pay for the wall, which is a bit like the Where's the Beef lady insisting she never asked where the beef was.

From there he descended into his trademark melange of flagrant dishonestly, jabbering self-pity, and whatever the rant about wheels being older than walls (they're not, by way) was. He whined that Pelosi and Schumer are harder to negotiate with than China, and OF COURSE THEY ARE you nitwit, they don't have the option to just bombard you with insincere flattery until you sign something without reading it.

FDA food inspections are off due to the shutdown, so you can look forward to some fun changes in the nougat/rat feces ratio in your 3 Musketeers bars if we don't get this worked out soon.

And air traffic controllers are now receiving paychecks that read “You expect financial remuneration for your labor? LOL!” for the totally non-essential services they provide, namely preventing airplanes full of people from crashing into one another. Oh, and the FBI says the shutdown is interfering with that whole “law enforcement” thing. I feel safer already.

The Coast Guard isn't get paid either, but the government has helpfully suggested that Guardsmen facing financial difficulties could turn to babysitting, or tutoring, or even holding a garage sale, to make ends meet. How's that for gratitude? “Thank you for serving your country, now go see if you can get thirty bucks for your mattress, you filthy taker!”

Meanwhile some really choice shitheads are taking advantage of the lack of staff in our national parks by vandalizing our nation's precious heritage of natural beauty, because, and I don't know how many times I have to tell y’all, we live in Hell. These shitsacks are even chopping down endangered Joshua trees, just CUZ. Does that sound like something that would happen in a place that wasn't Hell?

And the shartdown is even starting to hit ol’ Shower Cap right where he lives, as America's finest breweries find themselves unable to release their latest innovations in the noble field of beermaking for public consumption. I'm about to throw up a goddamn barricade, folks.

This seems like a good time to point out that the only thing that's really at stake here is Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet's fragile ego. Everybody understands the wall won't work. We don't need the wall. We don't want the wall. But because the President is a narcissistic septuagenarian toddler, and because his ego matters more to him than every single human life on earth put together, the whole country has to pay for his boneheaded negotiating blunder. NEAT.

So what seems to be the agreed-upon solution to current impasse is, the Manchurian Manchild will simply, unconstitutionally, proclaim a state of emergency and order the wall be built in defiance of the law. To be clear here, the “national emergency” is that Donald Trump is actually terrible at the one thing he's supposed to do well; making deals.

And so here we are at last, at the moment when Pissant Pol Pot will grab the United States Constitution in his tiny, inadequate, hands, and try to tear it to shreds because he backed himself into a corner and his father never loved him and lordy, whoever thought it was a good idea to give such an obviously broken little man this much power?

Horrifyingly, congressional Republicans are treating this anti-Democratic power grab as the best available solution. They've grown so cowed by the Grand Wizard Grifter and his frothy, hate-fueled base, that they're enabling this attack on American democracy rather than standing up to a wannabe dictator pursuing a loathed policy. “Oh, the courts will stop him...we hope,” they whimper. A greater collection of sycophants and cowards has surely never been assembled. The Senate Republican caucus is 53 different versions of the Paul Reiser character in Aliens. And none more craven than Lindsey Graham.

By the way, the plan is to divert already-appropriated disaster relief funds from silly little so-called “disasters” like the California wildfires and the hurricanes that hit Florida, Texas, and Puerto Rico. That's a great little detail, isn't it? Really drives home the reckless evil of the thing. The fake crisis is so important, people experiencing actual crises must be made to suffer.

For extra fun, just to drop an acid-laced cherry on top of this madness-and-bullshit sundae, NBC playfully revealed that the Marmalade Shartcannon's precious steel slate barrier can be breached by any idiot with a saw. A motherfucking SAW. For five billion dollars, we should be at least able to thwart the fearsome might of a ten dollar Home Depot gift card.

Still, all of Sharty McFly's desperate attempts to distract the country with his moronic shenanigans aren't going divert a single camera when Michael Cohen testifies publicly before Congress! Yes, the former fixer is set to play selections from his smash album "Crimes I Committed Because My Client Donald Trump Told Me To” before the House Oversight Committee, which is suddenly interested in conducting actual oversight now that Democrats are in charge, WEIRD, HUH?

Anyway I'm clearing my calendar on February 7th, I have a day-drinking date with the Sensei of Sez-Hoo.

Good gravy. What a week. If I didn't drink, I'd scream. Luckily, I do drink.

I drink a great deal.

The National Emergency is the President is a Malevolent Dumbass (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Hello Shower Captives, welcome to tonight's madness roundup! You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that the weekend brought many many (many) more articles on the Congresswoman Who Cried Motherfucker than on the thousands of children still detained in concentration camps on American soil, because, as I have oft remarked, we live in Hell.

(As is customary, you can find this post, with all those helpful links, on my humble blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/the-national-emergency-is-the-president-is-a-malevolent-dumbass/)

Well, the Government Shartdown is ongoing, and I've had to furlough Bill at the Abject Horror Desk, which really isn't that bad, because it's not like I pay him or anything. And anyhow, what're all these people whining about, anyway? Oh, so you're “working without pay” or “can't pay your mortgage?” COWBOY UP, you CUCKS! As the Bonespur Buttplug helpfully points out, y’all can just “make adjustments!” Adjustments like sleeping outside instead of having a roof over your head! Or, if your budget is straining under the costs of food, have you tried adjusting by just not eating? It's BOOTSTRAP TIME!

And hey, it's not like we're doing lasting damage to our national parks or anything. Not like domestic violence shelters are in danger of closing because the Violence Against Women act lapsed with the shutdown.


But look, as your bank account dwindles and your stress mounts, you can at least take comfort in knowing that park rangers are still hard at work in at least one historic location: and wouldn'tcha know it, it's the one on the site of President Crotchrot's Washington, D.C. hotel! Gosh that's one zany-ass coincidence, isn't it? I bet the lifeguard at the ball pit in Jared Kushner's office has to work, too.

Somehow, the historically unpopular President has actually decided to increase his demands in exchange for ending his unpopular shutdown over his unpopular wall policy, because hey, he's the Shart o’ the Deal! You picture Chuck n’ Nancy just sort of...blinking at him silently, with a look of disdain colored with mild pity.

And because this is Hell, and Satan is laughing at us as we squirm, we learned that the Big Dumb Wall, that nobody wants, that wouldn't even work, that's the entire cause of this moronic, wasteful, standoff, originated as a goddamn memory device, to trick the barely-functioning, Adderall-soaked, brain inside the Doddering Dotard's thick skull into remembering to talk about immigration on the campaign trail. That's some dark shit, folks. Dark. Shit.

The persecution of Sarah Huckleberry Slanders has escalated to the point where she's even getting fact-checked on Fux Nooz. Sarah was all, “What the FUCK, Chris Wallace, have you forgotten that your whole job is to magnify my ridiculous lies, in this case pertaining to the eleventy-million terrorists who sneak across the southern border every single day, snickering about how a wall would totally keep them out, but Americans are too stupid to build it?”

It's actually been kind of a banner stretch for comically-disprovable lies from Team Treason. I suppose we can't really blame them; the truth is not particularly accommodating to their records or goals. They're fully locked into a “fool some of the people all the time” strategy, and considering their loyal rube army believes every nutjob conspiracy theory from Jade Helm to Pizzagate, why not go hog wild?

Like, for example, why not fellate yourself for preventing a completely imaginary armed conflict? Yup, the Marmalade Shartcannon is very impressed with the way he single-handedly staved off war with North Korea, which was totally in real life just about happen, pinky swear. It's nincompoop-level Orwell: we have never been at war with Eastasia, actually, because I stopped it with my raw, unfiltered, awesomeness.

And now all the living ex-Presidents have gone on the record denying Le Grande Sharte's obviously bogus claim that they all have secret crushes on the Big Dumb Wall, because I guess we really do have to bother Jimmy Carter with this shit now. “Why would I want such a damn fool thing?” asked Carter, before returning to kicking cancer's ass with one hand while building houses for the less fortunate with the other.

In the face of all this lying, the Tangelo Taint Tumor announced a prime time Oval Office speech, so he can lie to the whole country at once. And all the networks have to decide whether or not to give the fuckhead such a powerful platform to belch up his hateful propaganda. “Well, on the one hand, it's newsworthy, on the other, he's using disinformation as a tool to fuel racist hostility and destroy American democracy. But then, our Tuesday sitcom slate hasn't been performing well anyhow.”

A fresh new entry in the blossoming subgenre of Trump Buyer’s Remorse Interviews from the Failing New York Times, featuring a dude who voted for Shart Garfunkel because “He was supposed to hurt OTHER people not ME!” but now tariffs are destroying HIS business, and dang, bro, I'm sure sorry that the suffering you chose to inflict on the nation has come around to bite you in the ass. Anyway, I have some shit you can eat if you want.

Increasing clarity on the Shart Doctrine regarding Syria, where our policy is either totally different than before or exactly the same. Or not. Troops will be coming home soon, or perhaps staying indefinitely, or maybe opening a chain of frozen yogurt stands. The plot of The Big Sleep is our Syria policy, basically.

However, they've used Littlefinger's misinformed Middle East yo-yoing to chase Jim Mattis, with his stubborn refusal to blow up the post-WWII international order on a whim, out the door, and now they've forced Pentagon Chief of Staff Kevin Sweeney out as well. Word is, they're having trouble filling the Defense Secretary post, which is odd, because who wouldn't jump at the chance to talk their boss out of nuking Paris because Emmanuel Macron shook his hand too hard.

And Smelly Creep Julian Assange has apparently gotten sick of everybody calling him a smelly creep, and is now threatening to sue any journalist who mentions what a smelly creep he is. I figure it'll be a while before that smelly creep makes his way down to my humble blog page, so I'm probably safe.

Mike Pompeo, who is a fake patriot, an equally fake Christian, and, tragically, America's top diplomat, will be giving a little speech in Cairo, holding up the journalist-butchering Saudi regime as an example to be followed when it comes to human rights, which really ought to deeply humiliate anyone who believes in any of those silly ol' American principles we used to learn about in school. Anyway, I finally have the answer to the once-ridiculous question, “what would it take to make you actually miss a ruinous clod like Rex Tillerson?”

Hey, didja see the poll that shows Nancy Pelosi is better liked than Hairpiece Himmler now? Oh man, that's good shit. I wanna print that poll out, and stand on the Shart House lawn, holding it over my head, Say-Anything-style. More than a decade of demonizing Pelosi, they've made her more popular and powerful than ever. Tee fuckin' hee.

Heh. Looks like Jag of All Trades Mick Mulvaney is already loading his luggage into one of the last remaining lifeboats aboard the Shartanic, eyeing a new gig as president of the University of South Carolina. Gosh. And after Stephen Miller went through all that trouble getting his measurements just right for those Klan robes during Secret Santa.

Well, that's all I got tonight, friends. While I hope to keep services running during the shutdown, you may want to stockpile some poop jokes in the event of a shortage. Be prepared, is all I'm sayin'.

Nancy Pelosi is BACK, and I Don't Know How You're Gonna Build a Wall with Her Boot Up Your Ass, Don

Ah, the New Year! A time for fresh starts! Reinventions! Or, we could all just stay trapped in this madhouse together, and dial the shitstorm up to 11! Ha ha just kidding, you don't have a choice!

(As always, if you want those nifty news links, click on over to Cap's site: http://showercapblog.com/nancy-pelosi-is-back-and-i-dont-know-how-youre-gonna-build-a-wall-with-her-boot-up-your-ass-donnie/)

Mike Pompeo flew down to Brazil to suck on authoritarian goon Jair Bolsonaro's rectum for a bit, because shitting all over America's values is pretty much Mike's whole job these days, and he is goddamn good at it. Y'know what's a fun game I play now? I imagine World War III is about to break out, and I try to guess who winds up on which side. I figure we get Russia, America, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Hungary, and Brazil against everybody else. And yes, we're the bad guys.

Well, add Stanley McChrystal to the ever-expanding list of career military officers to be named enemies of the state for daring to criticize Government Cheese Goebbels. I bet this is a really great time to be a general, don't you? You can risk your life for decades, serving your country in war zones overseas, and when you come home, the commander in chief will take a dump right on your head if you decide to say something like "hey, I think lying is bad."

Jerry Falwell, Jr. gave a deranged little interview to the Washington Post, proclaiming that no sin, however great or small, could ever come between him and his lying, thieving, pussy-grabbing, daughter-coveting, charity-defrauding, child-concentration-camp-opening Turd Emperor, and I honestly wonder how these faux “Christians” get through their Sunday services without snickering during the scripture reading.

Another victory in the Trade War, comrades! Yes, Apple announced unexpectedly weak sales, on account of somebody who shall remain nameless tap-dancing all over the global economy's groin. "But Cap, that doesn't sound like a victory at all! Apple is an American company!" Oh my dear, sweet, child. The Trade War was ALWAYS being waged against America and Americans.

Just before taking over Withered Hate Raisin Orrin Hatch's Senate desk, Willard Romney sat down in the draftiest corner of his car elevator to write himself a little op-ed. It was an op-ed full to the brim with the mildest imaginable criticism of the cheap, greedy, thug polluting the Oval Office. And I do mean MILD. If the Romney op-ed were a sauce at one of those places that has, like, 25 different degrees of hot sauce, it would be the plain ranch dressing they keep to the side, for children and wusses.

And still the Never-Trumpers greeted it like a tablet brought down from the mountain top! Hell, Bill Kristol fell to his knees and wept! I...I don't have the heart to tell them, you guys. But the list of people who got rich betting on Mitt Romney to stand up and do right thing would fit on a particle the Large Hadron Collider hasn't discovered yet.

So, everybody's got their kinks, I get that and I don't judge. Now, if watching the President of the United States of America regurgitate Russian propaganda at a Cabinet meeting while rock-headed sycophants take turns giving him lap dances is what gets you off, you must have LOVED this week. I tell you what, I'm more and more impressed with Putin every day...you never see his lips move.

The Adderall-Addled Assclown was in rare form at this meeting, helpfully offering Iran free reign to do whatever the fuck they feel like in Syria, which probably caused a few spit-takes in Israel. To the great surprise of international observers, Supreme Leader Khamenei announced that he will be taking the President up on his gracious offer, by opening a resort and water park in one of the neighborhoods where Bashar al-Assad gassed all the residents to death.

...and there was this nonsensical little Game of Thrones poster on the table the whole time, because of course there was.

Oh, and in the background, third-rate dictator Kim Jong-un continues playing Lil’ Donnie Dotard's ego like a cheap ukulele. On the one hand, having the How to Manipulate the American President Playbook in the public domain probably isn't a good thing...on the other, I bet if I could get him on the phone and talk about how good he looks in his circus-tent pants, I could walk away with a stealth bomber at least...can you say, “CapJet?”

Folks, this stuff with Paul Whelan, the shady-as-fuck disgraced ex-Marine currently detained in Russia for espionage, is batguano nucking futz, even by the standards of this blog. Like, if the idea here is to swap this clod for Maria Butina, I think we need to hold out for substantially more value. Maybe Putin's willing to take on Jason Heyward's contract*.

And though shit remains generally quite cray, gosh wasn't it nice to just roll around in all the long-overdue good news of the new Congress’ swearing-in, like a pig in mud? For every historic first for our kickass, diverse, Trump-stompin’ freshman class, there was the giddy realization that Koch toadies like Paul Ryan and Gowdy Doody wouldn't be making our laws anymore. My smile got so fuckin’ wide, you'd think I huffed a whole tank of Joker gas.

Nancy Pelosi is BACK, y’all, and it's time for the feral jagoffs of the Freedom Caucus to flail impotently in the minority for a change. There are some new sheriffs in town. Adam Schiff, YOU get a gavel, and Elijah Cummings, YOU get a gavel, and Maxine Waters, YOU get a gavel, and Jerry Nadler, YOU get a gavel, and Richard Neal, YOU get a gavel, EVERYONE GETS A GAVEL!

And check out the new majority's super-sexxxy first major bill, a voting rights extravaganza that takes on gerrymandering and voter roll purging and all kinds of good stuff! This promises to be a major setback to the Koch-backed proposal to restrict the franchise to White Property-Owning Males who have Committed No Fewer Than Four White Collar Crimes in the Last Calendar Year.

And watching Nancy Two-Times casually mention that FUCK YEAH you can indict a sitting President was just the maraschino cherry on top of the sundae, which was already one of those massive, ten-scoops-plus-two-whole-bananas-and-half-a-pound-of-sprinkles sundaes. Get yourself a spoon, there's plenty to go ‘round.

But the good news wasn't confined to D.C. In Maine, shiny new Dem governor Janet Mills finally ordered the implementation of the voter-approved Medicaid expansion that Paul LePage had been obstructing for years, because he hated his constituents and wanted them to die. In Washington state, Governor Jay Inslee announced a plan to pardon thousands of folks with misdemeanor marijuana convictions, which will surely pave the way for an outbreak of The Reefer Madness in the Pacific Northwest, but fear not, the National Guard stands ready. Or wait, are they getting paid?

After two years of ceaseless assaults on America's fundamental democratic institutions, from the judiciary to the free press, two years of a criminal administration throwing children into cages even as they steal everything that isn't nailed down, I regret to inform to inform a weary nation that we must now face the greatest scandal yet: a Lady Democrat has uttered a Swear. A Brown Lady Democrat. A MUSLIM Brown Lady Democrat.

(This space left blank to allow the reader time to fetch smelling salts for their racist uncle)

Hey Republicans, if you're this mad when Rashida Tlaib SAYS “impeach the motherfucker,” just imagine how John-McEnroe-locked-in-a-dryer-with-two-cats freaked out you'll get when we actually impeach the motherfucker.

Whatever. Fuck your feelings.

Drumpf loyalists at the RNC want to change the rules to head off a potential 2020 primary challenge by Jeff Flake or some other equally deluded fool who imagines that the GOP can cure its white supremacist fever if somebody just reads a few David Brooks columns over the loudspeaker at one of Wee Don's hate rallies. Lord. This really is a fantastic example the projectile insecurity and hard turn from democracy to fascism that's rapidly becoming the entire Republican brand.

So, Matt Gaetz is a sitting Republican Congressman, a raging bigot, and dumber than a bag of hair. So naturally, Fux Nooz decided to let him co-host a show today, because something something JOURNALISM something something FAIR N’ BALANCED. Anyway, he said some dumb, racist, shit, and I guess we should be thankful they're doing away with the pretense of objectivity, right?

And of course the Big Dumb Shartdown over the Big Dumb Wall continues, with Fat Q*Bert claiming he'll merrily keep the government closed for months, if not years, because he is a big tuff boy and you cannot make him clean his room or eat his peas. In this, he is enabled by Mitch McConnell, who is surely feigning severe head trauma in order to explain why he's no long able to consider the very same bill his chamber unanimously passed just two weeks ago. And to think, some say Republicans can't govern.

Lindsey Graham went on Hannity to say that if Boss Turdworm doesn't get his wall money, it would be “the end of his Presidency.” Heh. I guess Lindsey learned the fine art of negotiation at his golf buddy's feet, cuz No Wall PLUS Utterly Castrated Trump sounds like the best two-for-one in history. Why not throw in a toaster oven and a year's worth of Krispy Kreme, my dude?

Then, today, the Hairplug That Ate Decency stumbled out into the rose garden for his latest attempt at daring Steve Mnuchin into invoking the 25th amendment, and my guess is the fumes from the experimental hair tonic were extra strong today, because HOO BOY that was Nic-Cage-in-Marat/Sade-level bonkers. I have NO fucking idea what the wall looks like in that doddering old fool's head, but it's probably some straight Steve Ditko shit. What's it made from today? Concrete? Steel? Crunchberries?

And Mexico is gonna pay for the wall, except they already have, through a trade agreement that hasn't passed Congress yet, but he still needs $5 billion from us for some reason. It's Schroedinger's appropriation. Neat.

He said that lots and lots of federal workers absolutely ADORE working without pay and that lots of lots of Presidents tell him all the time that they wanted a Big Dumb Wall of their own only they weren't as good at deal-making or wall-building as YOU are Mr. Trump and that lots and lots of imaginary terrorists get stopped at the southern border and while he was just pulling shit straight out of his ass a unicorn made from grape jelly appeared to him in the Oval Office this morning to say Salma Hayek really did want to date him but was afraid she'd be unable to satisfy him sexually. Anyway, he's nuts.

And yeah, were just two days into the new Congress, and the Oversight Renaissance hasn't even gotten warmed up yet, but Tangerine Idi Amin is already tossing around shit like "the military version of eminent domain," and that probably does mean that he thinks he can order the military to just take anything he wants but you'll pry my autographed copy of TOMB OF DRACULA #1 out of my cold, dead, hands, shitbag.

Yes, it's all fun and games until Pissant Pol Pot starts talking about declaring a state of emergency to get his precious Lego set. A constitutional crisis set off by a disapproving Ann Coulter monologue? That's where we're at, America. Whatever new world emerges from the ashes will stand in the ruins of our once-great nation and laugh their asses off at us. And they'll be right to do so.

And on the Entirely Predictable Consequences front, we're already seeing a spike in TSA employees calling in sick, since they're required to work without paychecks during a shartdown. O, the treasonous louts! Prioritizing petty concerns like “paying their bills” or “caring for the children” over the petulant whims of the Manchurian Manchild! I ASK YOU, IS PATRIOTISM DEAD?

Anyway, yes, Sharty McFly’s vanity project tantrum is already making America less safe. Isn't that ironic? Don'tcha think?

But while all these good people aren't getting paid, Mike Pants and other high-ranking Treasonweasel Administration officials are getting a fucking RAISE, which is exactly what would happen in Hell, and I submit this info to you as further evidence that Hell is exactly where we all live.

In all fairness, Mikey Hairshirt probably begged for combat pay after he officiated the swearing-in of openly-bisexual Democrat Kyrsten Sinema on a book that wasn't even the Bible! Or whatever fucking book Jerry Falwell, Jr.'s been reading, even!

Oh, and while I was workin' up tonight's post, I came across this little nugget, about shutdown deaths in national parks, which the geniuses running our government decided, in their wisdom, to keep open even in the face of massive staff furloughs. Yeah, this whole Let the Dumbest Fucking People on the Planet Run Everything experiment doesn't appear to be working out, y'know?

But it looks like the Groundhog of Justice saw his shadow, because we're getting six more months of Mueller! Yes, the Bobadook's grand jury has been extended, because there're just so dang many crimes to investigate. No wonder Donnie Two-Scoops is melting down with such regularity these days.

Shit, y’all, it's only been FOUR DAYS. I swear, 2019 is gonna drive me to drink...more.

*This is a baseball joke.

The Year Ends, the Primary Begins, the Wall Remains Imaginary...Happy 2019! (Ferret/Shower Cap)

As we embark on the New Year, I confess I am considering a partial blog shutdown unless the United States Treasury agrees to finance a new beer fridge for my living room, and also maybe some badass flame decals for my mask. Anyhow, let's round up the madness one last time before we drive a stake through 2018's wretched heart!

(As always, this post originates on Cap's humble blog site, which has all sorts of nifty news links: http://showercapblog.com/the-year-ends-the-primary-begins-the-wall-remains-imaginary-happy-2019/)

Outgoing Maine Governor/Ambulatory Pimple Paul LePage spitefully scribbled “stolen election” on the certificate that officially ended Bruce Poliquin's sore-loser legal challenge, and made Democrat Jared Golden the new Congressman representing Maine's second district, because pettiness is one of the last remaining “conservative values,” alongside hatred and ignorance. Anyway, fuck LePage.

Speaking of sneering idiots who thankfully won't be in government anymore, our ol’ chum Gowdy Doody quietly shut down his long, bullshit investigation into Hillary Clinton for the high crimes of Whatever We Can Get Fox News to Scream About It Doesn't Really Matter Does It, satisfied that while he never quite turned up any wrongdoing, at least he kicked up enough baseless innuendo to keep her out of the White House. And hey, if it led to the greatest assault on America's institutions and values since the Civil War, well...”whoopsie!”

And now Shiny New Ex-Senator Jeff Flake is making feeble little squeaky noises about mounting a primary challenge to the Marmalade Shartcannon in 2020. Sigh. I can think of no more fitting punctuation on the desperate delusion that the GOP is anything other than a white supremacist hate cult anymore than to have an Eeyore-faced milksop, a Human Tsk Noise like Jeff Flake whine about “real conservatism” for a few months before losing the Iowa caucuses by 94 points.

“Jeff Flake for President.” Say it out loud without giggling. See? Can't be done.

Meanwhile, on the good guy side of the fence, the Race for the Historic Privilege of Cleansing the White House of the Stink of Treason and Well-Done Steak Farts is ON, motherfuckers! Elizabeth Warren announced she's running for President, so somebody tell Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops that Pocahontas is ready to paint his ass with all the colors of the wind.

As the Democratic primary heats up, I for one am looking forward to losing a substantial amount of the audience I've worked so hard to build as we all divide up into tribes and pelt each other with sticks and rocks. Remember, everyone who refuses to support your chosen candidate is a heretic, and you're allowed to burn down their home and claim their children and pets as trophies.

Hairpiece Himmler's ever-growing collection of criminal investigations is surely the envy of every boy and girl down at Marm-a-Lago, and NO FAIR, he just got ANOTHER ONE! Federal and state investigators are now looking into allegations that Shartboy's tacky golf clubs are in the habit of distributing fake green cards and social security numbers to their undocumented employees, which is probably the America Firstest thing ever.

I can only picture the tears welling up in Stephen Miller's eyes as he read this news...“S-s-say it isn't so, Dad!”

“I told you not to call me that at work! And what happened to your hair?”

We focus so much on what stumbling, incompetent, buffoon our President is, we occasionally lose sight of the pulsating fistula of hatred and evil at the core of his being. His monstrous tweets over the weekend about the migrant children who have died in U.S. custody served as a sobering reminder that while he is a doddering clown who can barely dress himself, he's also one of the very worst people in the world.

But Pete King's got his back! “‘Only’ two dead kids? Shit, that's practically praiseworthy! Let's send cake and put up a plaque!” says the Long Island Congressjag. And hey, thanks to the voters of the Iowa 4th, Pete-o here isn't even the worst Representative King in the House.

Sometimes I think this presidency is an ongoing exercise in testing just how much raw, unapologetic, depravity the so-called “evangelical Christians” of America will unquestioningly endorse in the name of President Golden Calf. I hope we end the experiment before the gulags open, frankly I think we have enough data to extrapolate the conclusion that there is absolutely no bottom with these folks. As a wiser man than I wrote, the cruelty is the point.

Anyhow, Time Magazine has a fun little story about Precocious Paul Manafort and the Russian spy who livened up his life with “Bitch, where's my money” calls while he was otherwise occupied with leading the Velveeta Vulgarian's presidential campaign. Surely only a fool would think this had anything to do with the sudden change in the GOP platform regarding Ukraine.

Reading this article about House Democrats stocking up on staff and lawyers for the coming Oversight Renaissance is like watching a trailer for the next Avengers movie. I'm delighted and excited, but goddammit why do I have to wait so long to see the good shit? I hope there's a post-credits sequence where Samuel L. Jackson kicks Wilbur Ross square in the taint.

The Shart Administration is working to roll back Obama-era standards on pollution, because if the American people didn't want mercury poisoning, they shouldn't have laughed so hard when Barack told those jokes at the 2011 White House correspondents’ dinner.

But a quick shout out to Chuck Todd, who took a break from lowering the standards of our political discourse to dedicate a show to climate change without giving equal time to some frothy, Koch-funded, denier wearing a jacket made from oil-stained otter pelts out of misguided devotion to the Church of Bothsidesism. If y’all would've applied this standard earlier, and to all issues, the world would look a lot different today. Paul Ryan would be selling cheap suits at a JCPenney in Milwaukee, for starters.

And the Trump Shutdown rolls on, like a comically out-of-shape President following a marching group of world leaders in a golf cart. The Shart of the Deal is demonstrating the full depth of his negotiating prowess, by whining on Twitter all day and all night. Oh, and by pretending to be at work when he's not.

In fairness, there has been one amusing, half-assed “tactic,” a silly little attempt to drive a wedge between Pelosi and Schumer, by taunting Chuck as weakling who's letting a WOMAN of all people set the agenda. Just another bit of cartoonishly obvious projection from the Most Insecure Man in the World, the President of the United States.

Away from all the dumbass brinkmanship, the shutdown continues to hurt real people, from the hundreds of thousands of government workers worrying how they'll pay their bills, to the farmers who've already been crotch-stomped by Il Douche’s Big Dumb Trade war, only to find their taxpayer-funded subsidies endangered by his latest petulant ego trip.

And don't forget, though we've accepted and normalized this, that the suffering of so many Americans doesn't matter to President Trump. At all. And it won't be even the tiniest factor in his behavior going forward in this entirely self-manufactured crisis. Because he doesn't care about any of us. We should talk about that more.

The Once and Future Golf Buddy, Lindsey Graham, waddled out on teevee to suggest that the wall is just a metaphor, maaaaaaaan, for like, life and stuff, y'know, before retreating to his office to order a pizza and listen to Donovan. Shit, Lindsey, metaphors are free, I bet you could get Mexico to pay for a metaphor.

And Walter Jones just became my favorite House Republican, for suggesting that since Mexico ain't payin', maybe Weehands McNodick should pony up some of that sweet emoluments bribe money and pay for the fuckin’ thing himself. Walter, I'm not gonna google you to learn about out all the abominable shit you no doubt support, it's a holiday and I don't wanna ruin these warm feelings just yet.

Of course, Nancy Pelosi has House Dems prepared to immediately pass a bill reopening the government when they take power in just a few short days. Though she seems to have stripped my proposed amendment, mandating that Mike Pants officiate all same-sex weddings in Washington, D.C. for the remainder of his term, the bill includes not a penny of wall money, so I generally dig it.

In late-breaking news, Shart Garfunkel has nominated Louis CK as the next White House Press Secretary, because he's so impressed with his communication skills. Seriously though, since Louis seems to be having some trouble separating humor from mere nastiness these days, allow me to helpfully point him in the direction of John Kelly's recent stab at rehabbing his reputation, which is absolutely fuckin’ HILARIOUS.

And the stock market capped off its worst year in a decade, because it turns out the economic stewardship of a 70-year-old manchild who can't even figure out how umbrellas work isn't as desirable as we were once led to believe.

Well, that's all I got tonight, folks. We've survived two years of this shitstorm, made substantial changes to the cast, and allowed the Mueller subplot to percolate in the background...I think 2019 looks awfully promising. Now go drink 'till you pass out on the lawn!

Shutdown Update: I Can't Top Nancy's Beaded Curtain Joke, But Here's a Blog Anyhow(Ferret/ShowerCap)

Hey hey, Shower Captives! Hope you enjoyed the holiday break. The down time was certainly appreciated, but now we're getting ready to seat a brand-spankin'-new Congress, we've got Ruth Bader Ginsburg back, and it's time to fuck some fascists’ shit up again, don'tcha think?

(As always, you can find this post, with all them nifty news links, at my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/shutdown-update-i-cant-top-nancys-beaded-curtain-joke-but-heres-a-blog-anyhow/)

After the helpful idiots on the magical talking teevee box explained to him that General Mattis was in fact shitting all over him in his resignation letter, Tangerine Idi Amin decided the momentary thrill of an ego-driven tantrum was more important than the readiness of the United States Armed Forces, forcing Mattis out immediately rather than allowing him to stay on through an orderly transition. Don't worry though, the new Acting Defense Secretary doesn't have any military or diplomatic experience, so he'll fit right in!

Similarly stung by Brett McGurk's resignation, President Gas Station Urinal Cake attempted to diminish the respected, long-serving, diplomat by saying he didn't even know the guy. What he accomplished, however, was informing the world that the commander in chief isn't paying attention to his own ISIS envoy, cuz he's too busy watching cable news all goddamn day. You have to hand it to him, he really delivered an all-time great Xmas...to America's enemies. Between this and the Syria pullout, well, if there's a 34th Street in Moscow, they're celebrating a miracle on it this week.

A few outgoing Republican lawmakers miraculously found the courage to stand up to Hairpiece Himmler that they'd somehow been unable to locate while they actually held the power to check him. Drumpfy and Bob Corker got into one last slap fight, for old times’ sake. Carlos Curbelo just now noticed that “Things are not well in the USA,” bless his little heart. And Mark Sanford, on his way out the door back to the Appalachian Trail, warned of the potential for a “Hitler-like character” to rise in the future, ignoring the inconvenient detail that his own political party is currently led by wannabe dictator who opened concentration camps for children on American soil.

...I miss these guys already, don't you?

Steve Mnuchin tried to play Treasury Secretary, and it was almost kinda cute, like watching a small child toddle into an operating theater, dressed up in scrubs like doctor, but at a certain point you realize the kid is washing up and the nurse is handing him a scalpel and holy shit he's about to make an incision in your dad's torso, and suddenly it's not so cute anymore.

Yeah, ol’ Mnuchbag tried to calm markets right before Xmas, apparently by stumbling around, drenched with sweat, teeth audibly chattering, as he insisted there was no reason for anyone to panic, only nobody had been panicking, at least they weren't before the goddamn Treasury Secretary popped up out of nowhere to tell everybody to stop panicking. You know what I miss? COMPETENCE.

Shart Garfunkel is also making some grunty noises about wanting to fire the Fed Chair, because he thinks that will make the stock market go up, and yes, that sounds ridiculous until you remember this is a man who cannot figure out how an umbrella closes.

Hell, the doddering old bastard somehow managed to bungle something as simple as an Xmas call to a child, jabbering on about how only cucks believe in Santa or something. It's truly amazing how he botches the simplest tasks. He's like a machine that fucks things up. If you gave him a jar of mayonnaise to open, he'd just smash it on his own groin till it shattered.

Another migrant child died in US custody, because we're currently governed by hateful monsters who don't value human life. Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, of course, never passes up an opportunity to reveal the jagged, pus-oozing, depths of her malevolent soul, issued a vile statement dripping with so much unapologetic evil, you'd think it was over the top if you encountered it as, say, dialogue from a Disney villain.

The Failing New York Times tracked down the children of the doctor who gave President Valor Thief his bullshit “bone spurs” draft-dodging diagnosis back in the day, saying it was done as a favor to Orange Julius Caesar's dad, who was the doctor's landlord. There's always a Ronny Jackson around someplace, if you just know where to look for one*.

Seems Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker fabricated some academic accomplishments on government forms to make it seem like he's actually qualified to be Acting Attorney General of the Whole Dang United States instead of what he is, a cud-brained grifter who got his job by kissing the Velveeta Vulgarian's ass on television. Me, I think we need to test the whole fuckin’ résumé. I doubt he can really do a French accent like it says. And the bit about juggling on a unicycle? Let's just say I'm skeptical. Oh, and of course he should be fired for this, immediately, but everyone knows there are no rules here in Shitty Wonderland.

Carter Page ate a bath salts sandwich and filed a crazed, spittle-drenched, motion in his defamation lawsuit against the DNC, in which he is representing himself, because of course he is. Y'know, I really hope when the films of this shitshow get made, Carter's antics don't wind up on the cutting room floor; it would be a really nice role for some showy, self-indulgent, stage actor. Imagine a young Gary Oldman type, ranting like a maniac, wearing a series of increasingly comical hats.

And now McClatchy says Michael Cohen, or one of his phones anyway, appears to have been near Prague at the time the Steel Dossier claims he was meeting with th'Russians there. Says who? Says phone and surveillance data, that's who. Apparently. Cohen still denies ever being anywhere near Prague, and he seems like a nice, honest, boy, doesn't he?

Well, it only took two years of near-constant shaming, but the Bonespur Buttplug finally visited the troops overseas! MAGA nation, desperate for the slightest whiff of an accomplishment from their Turd Emperor, celebrated the temporary quieting of a single criticism as though Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops had won the Super Bowl and colonized Mars, all in the same weekend.

Now, did Fat Q*Bert still find a way to fuck up a brief ceremonial visit? No, of course not. Come on, you know better than that. He found NUMEROUS ways to fuck up a brief ceremonial visit. He whinged about the dangerous flight into Iraq, on a plane without one single gold toilet. He unethically and possibly illegally used the troops as campaign props, passing around his shitty, made-in-China ballcaps. Naturally, he lied a whole fucking bunch, bragging about a massive raise he didn't give the troops, and also claiming he invented bullets and shore leave. He was so anxious to get back home for TV and golf that he didn't meet with any Iraqi leaders, prompting calls to kick our troops out of the whole country. Oh, and he revealed the location and identities of U.S. Navy Seal Team 5, on fucking Twitter, just CUZ.


Back home, we're all enjoying Baron Golfin von Fatfuk's petulant government shutdown, of course. No votes are expected this week. Paul Ryan's all, “What the fuck do you want from me? I couldn't solve problems before the lame-duck senioritis set in, I just want to get back to Wisconsin and hunt the homeless for sport.”

But while hundreds of thousands of government employees are working without getting paid this holiday season, you'll be pleased to learn that Princess Ivanka and her pet Jar-Jar aren't letting the peasants’ distress interfere with their holiday travel plans! Even better, there's still money for tents to shove the Secret Service under while they protect President Crotchvoid and his mega-rich friends down at Marm-a-Lago during the winter party season. Surely this news will warm many a furloughed heart.

Don't worry though, the Treasonweasel Administration has helpfully suggested that all of the workers they're fucking over for the Big Dumb Wall Nobody Wants can just do odd jobs for their landlords in exchange for rent. That's a real thing that happened in the real world.

Anyway, the Shart of the Deal's grand strategy seems to mostly involve waiting for Democrats to take over the House while peevishly demanding a policy overwhelmingly opposed by a clear majority of his constituents. Starting to think maybe rather than being some sort of master negotiator, this guy is a blithering clod who only has fantastically wealthy parents to thank for the fact that he even survived childhood.

He understands Mueller's still gonna keep on working, right? Maybe he doesn't, since he's using the shutdown to postpone the day of reckoning in the emoluments lawsuit, which has now been postponed since he's using DoJ attorneys, paid for with your tax dollars and mine, to fight for his right to keep giant garbage bags labeled “BRIBES GO HERE” in the lobby of his D.C. hotel.

Anyway, kudos go out to Nancy Pelosi, who has opened a new satellite office directly under Wee Don's skin by pointing out that he's negotiated himself down from a concrete wall Mexico pays for to a “beaded curtain,” which he will still not get financed by Congress. We're in good hands ‘till the next party leader emerges from the primaries.

So many new phrases have entered our day-to-day vocabulary during this shitshow. “Emoluments clause.” “Unindicted co-conspirator.” "Marmalade Shartcannon." Court filings today introduced a disturbing new phrase sure to be bandied about in hushed whispers the world over...”NUDE SELFIE.” My god, there are so many people in this story who I desperately hope are not in that photograph. None of them would be ok, unless it was Mike Pence, and he was still in tighty-whities and a hairshirt, but he considers that “nudity.”

Anyway, that's all I got, folks. I hate to leave you with such a potentially unsettling image. Have yourself a Toblerone, you'll feel better.

*Dumpsters, mainly.

Shutdown Fever, or, The Slats in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Forgive me for running behind this week, Shower Captives, I was busy trying to craft anatomically-correct gingerbread MEN, the way God intended, you feminazis! Pleased to report I have perfected my recipe, so you can expect my scrumptious, patriarchy-reinforcing Genderbread Cookies in stores by spring.

(As you are surely aware by now, this post can be found, with all those helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/shutdown-fever-or-the-slats-in-the-cradle-and-the-silver-spoon/)

I suppose you heartless bastards have been celebrating the court-ordered dissolution of the Shart Foundation? During the holidays? Shame on you! Think of all the poor, unfortunate, tacky paintings of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops that will now go unpurchased! Are you unmoved at the parting of a man and his dishonestly-acquired autographed Tim Tebow helmet? Truly, you have become the monsters you once fought.

So, you'll recall that Mike Flynn tried spreading a bunch of bullshit conspiracy theories to make it seem like there was this massive, sinister, Deep Dish State plot to make Mike Flynn commit crimez and get caught and prosecuted and forced to plead guilty against his will, because he needs MAGA nation to go on believing he's a hero and a martyr rather than an informant who sold out his partners, if he wants that sweet grifter cash spigot to keep on flowin'. Regrettably for Turkey's favorite National Security Advisor, the federal judge in charge of Mike's sentencing dragged him all up and down the courtroom, forcing him to debunk his own bullshit, point by point. And he still might go to jail. Heh.

Well, Jon Kyl decided he only wanted to return to the Senate long enough to install a drunken pervert on the Supreme Court, so he's ready to go home now. And Arizona Governor Doug Ducey could think of no better replacement to fill out the next two years of John McCain's term than the one person in the whole state who was just rejected by voters, Martha McSally.

Baffling. Well, as a great man once said, “Please proceed, Governor.” If you're that eager to facilitate the flipping of both of your state's Senate seats from red to blue in just two short years, I am 100% down for it.

Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag popped up just long enough to say, “Oh yeah, that 10% middle-class tax cut Shart Garfunkel promised? That was just a frantic and totally empty promise made out of desperation at the thought of Adam Schiff wielding the House Intelligence Committee gavel. He never meant it,” and America just collectively gave him the Wonka meme look because like, DUH, Steve.

Speaking of the cabal of cheap grifters that make up the cabinet, Wilbur Ross got caught breaking divestment rules and lying on ethics forms again which of course will lead to absolutely zero consequences and I find myself looking back on those bygone days when stuff like this mattered at least a little with such nostalgia that Daniel Stern is narrating my thoughts.

I tell you what, Kirstjen Nielsen is so casually, unapologetically, evil, when she sits down for these congressional hearings, you expect to catch her to just offhandedly snacking on a bowl of newborn kittens. Secretary Nielsen is madder than a wet hen* that people keep calling her a liar JUST because she lies all the fucking time, but somehow doesn't seem all that upset about her department throwing children into cages, even when said children die in torment.

Fuck, Kirstjen can't even be bothered to keep track of all the pesky kids dying in her concentration camps! When asked if she knew how many human beings had lost their lives while in her department's custody, she sneered, “Don't know, don't care, brah,” kicking her feet up on the desk while biting the head off another kitten.

One last thing on Nielsen, her testimony has drawn calls of concern from health experts all over the world, who warn that, considering her proximity to the President and her sudden, alarming decline in linguistic ability during the hearing, “stupid” may indeed be contagious. Watching this once-competent official blurt “we need wall” like some sort of pre-school Incredible Hulk is concerning, to put it mildly.

Jesus, the wall. Because Dunning-Krueger is a painfully real thing, Donnie Dotard now believes he's stumbled onto the genius branding solution to all his troubles; he'll just say “steel slats” instead of “wall,” and the world will beat a path to his tacky, gold-plated, door. Maybe if you'd only said “we need slats,” Kirstjen, nobody would care how many gallons of blood were on your hands.

Of course now, the frothier loons of Cult45 are cutting into their monthly Sudafed budgets to crowdfund the wall themselves! I tell you what, folks, that wall will be nigh-fuckin'-impenetrable if these jackasses use their brains as bricks. God only knows how much money these doorknobs will have pledged by the time you read this, but like the Spaaaaaace Fooooooorce budget, it's a number that will be sickeningly high while simultaneously remaining laughably inadequate.

And I have to ask myself why I spend my time on my lil’ poo joke blog when I should be figuring out how to grift some of the apparently-readily-available cash from the dumbest, most zealous, rubes God ever made. And yes, the dude running the GoFundMe is a known conman, as if you had to ask.

I will always be fair n’ balanced, (in addition to being drunk) and will happily report on any positive accomplishments by this Clown Car Full of Rectums we call an administration. So nice work banning bump stocks, kids, it's the one non-horrific thing you did in 2018. Hillary would've gotten it done months ago, of course, but congrats on only being a 99.99-foot-high pile of sun-baked shit on this one issue.

No points, however, for finally, after months of senseless bureaucratic shenanigans, allowing a Yemeni mother to circumvent the racist travel ban to be at her dying child's side. Well, nobody's any safer, but at least we're bringing the full force of the American government down on a grieving family during the worst time of their lives, right?

I assume y’all are having as much fun as I am with this Bob Mueller's Mystery Subpoena subplot. Yes, ninja lawyers, meeting before an Illuminati tribunal in the Chamber of Secrets are battling to subpoena some sort of unknown data from an enigmatic corporation owned by an unrevealed country that could be Russia or Papua New Guinea or Chad for all we know. What does any of this mean? Fuck if I know, but I think the butler did it.

A little while back, Rudy Giuliani swore up and down that the Individual Wonder never signed a “letter of intent” to build one of his shitty hotels in Moscow, but of course the signed letter surfaced more or less immediately, but don't worry, Rudy will still be invited onto every news program in the country to puke up similarly dishonest spin until the fucking sun goes out. More like GiuLIEani, right? RIGHT? GET IT?!?!

The very same people who urged boycotts of the NFL over black athletes kneeling, and can barely contain their glee at ending Colin Kaepernick's football career have some thoughts on the boycotts targeting Putty-Faced White Nationalist Tucker Carlson's Sneering Hate Variety Sho, and you may be surprised to learn that they aren't being quite ethically consistent.

Let's be real honest here, folks...conservatives hate liberal boycotts so much because ours work and theirs fail, full stop.

In a clear sign of strength and confidence, the Republican Party in South Carolina is looking at doing away with that whole silly “Presidential primary” thing in 2020, such is the universal adoration of Dear Leader. I figure if you boys just pass a law that says you can't run if your name is Kasich, you'll probably be fine.

Well, I guess Vlad Putin got worried Wee Don would get thrown in jail before Russia got its money's worth out of their investment, so he called up the Oval Office and said “Little Man. You will pull your troops out of Syria, or we will repossess Melania. Do it now,” and being an obedient servant, that's what Donnie did. He may even make Employee of the Month for this.

That he did this without consulting any of our allies, or even his own military, is...not bangarang, friends. It is decidedly un-bangarang, in fact.

The Kurds have been among our closest allies in the region for decades, and the American President abandoned them, on the very field of battle, to be slaughtered, in a desperate attempt, which won't even work, to boost his approval numbers half a point or so, and these people will never trust us again. Will anyone ever trust us again, knowing we're never more than four years away from potentially making another malignant talking toe our commander in chief?

And suddenly all the bloodthirstiest GOP hawks in Congress are freaking out at the reckless impulsiveness of the decision, and you sort of want to tie Lindsey Graham to a chair, and read Frankenstein to him, out loud, very slowly, perhaps in a southern accent.

So, DoJ ethics officials concluded that Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker should recuse himself from the Mueller investigation because of his previous statements and also because he's a blistering idiot who doesn't understand most three-syllable words, but Matty hired some advisors to tell him that ethics are for cucks so he certainly doesn't have to listen to any dumb ol’ ethics officials, so there will be no recusal, and I just hope the Special Counsel's office starts speaking Pig Latin whenever Matty walks in for an update.

Now a memo by AG nominee William Barr has turned up, demonstrating that he'll have to recuse for the same reason, but I suppose that's the zany catch-22 of the situation; Weehands McNodick could not give less of a fuck about any of the duties or responsibilities of the Attorney General's office, he just wants a loyalist to protect him...if he won't factor in any other qualifications in making his appointment, one stooge is as good as the next, I suppose.

(Meanwhile Whitaker seems to have transformed into the new Jeff Sessions so quickly, Boss Turdworm will have him wearing fake ears by next week.)

Fun little story here about officials in the Treasury Department using a non-secure back channel to communicate with the Russian government as they sought financial dirt on their enemies. That seems like kind of a big deal to me, but because the room is on fire and somebody keeps throwing hatchets and badgers at us through the window, nobody seems to be paying too much attention to this one. Shrug.

The House Intelligence Committee voted unanimously to send Rockin’ Roger Stone's testimony over the Mueller offices so the Bobadook can scan it for lies n’ treason n’ stuff, because Rog just inspires that kind of bipartisan loyalty. Meanwhile this clown is padding his legal fund by selling signed rocks, telling his softheaded followers that they're literally exact replicas of the stone from the David/Goliath incident. I have GOT to get in on rube-bilking market, folks!

Before he slithers away to golf for two weeks at the club he bought with daddy's money, the Bonespur Buttplug figured America would get significantly greater if it only had a whole lot more hungry people, so he's trying to crack down on food stamp recipients again. It's all about “the dignity of work,” says festering loaf who doesn't show up to work ‘till noon and skims from the treasury by charging the Secret Service for the luxury of pissing while they risk their lives to protect his.

Much as it pains me, I have to give credit where credit is due, so big congrats to the Velveeta Vulgarian for overseeing record growth in the stock mark...oh hang on, I was looking at the chart upside down. Holy shit, Shart-O, you're really fuckin’ everything up, aren'tcha? Big fat nut punches to the Dow all week long as you fuck around with shit you don't understand, leading to the worst year since the financial crisis? I know you hear this a lot, but you are in fact, out of your element, Donnie.

As the world burned to cinder because of his blundering, the Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet perceptively noted that everyone was looking to America for some sign of stability, and therefore he tweeted out an old video of himself bellowing the Green Acres theme song off key like a dairy cow that got into the moonshine still. I keep telling you we live in Hell, but do believe me, NOOOOOOOOOOO.

North Korea picked Fat Q*Bert’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, week to shit on him a little more, returning to their usual stance of blathering belligerence, as though there had never been a big fancy peace summit at all, let alone one with special shiny challenge coins. And in the midst of this entirely predictable, if still potentially dangerous development you know the old fart views the situation solely as a massive conspiracy to deny him the Nobel Peace Prize.

Yeah, it's hard out there for a Walking Sack of Monkey Shit. But take heart, Littlefinger! While you may be failing at every aspect of your job, at least you're inspiring America's youth...to dress up in Klan hoods and spread hatred in your name! Fuck this taintfungus forever for all he's done to our beautiful country.

Sneaking around below the radar in this Category Six Billion Shitstorm, some jackass you've never heard of, Zach Fuentes, who has been John Kelly's Deputy Manbabysitter, has apparently been plotting to hang around on the taxpayer-funded payroll doing nothing in particular until his pension kicks in. Quite the culture they've built in the Shart House, eh? One of these days we're gonna find out some intern smuggled the original Declaration of Independence out under their sweater, and we'll say, “sounds about right.”

And Jim Mattis is stepping down as Secretary of Defense, which sounds like really terrible news, but honestly, we were all gonna die sooner or later anyhow.

The man known as Mad Dog, who has lately been Dog With the Patience of a Goddamn Saint, appears to have reached his breaking point when Orange Julius Caesar's Syria order directly betrayed everything the general has ever stood for and curb-stomped America's credibility.

Mattis wrote a resignation letter that conspicuously didn't say one nice thing about the President, not even thanking him for the opportunity to serve, which is Washington diplo-speak for “Get me away from this mush-brained traitor before I shit straight down his throat, I've spent two motherfucking years with all ten fingers and all ten toes plugging leaks in the dam and I'm goddamn tired and if anybody needs me, I'll be going door to door, crotch-punting every single moron who voted for this dolt.”

Many Americans are quite understandably concerned, even frightened, even piss-our-pants terrified that the last adult in the room is gone, to be replaced no doubt by some misshapen beast cloned from Tom Cotton's bedside spoo rag with the missing DNA gaps filled in with genetic material drawn from a Big Mac.

But never fear! The administration dispatched Stephen Miller, known for his calming effect, to CNN to smooth the waters. Did I say “calming effect?” Because I meant, “eerily dead eyes and seething hatred for all that lives.” Having plucked his fake hair out, follicle by follicle, after becoming an international laughingstock just days ago, young Stephen was a screeching mess, even with Wolf Blitzer trying to save him from himself. You know this creep sneaks into the residence at night and whispers “Killlllll them alllllllllllll” into Little Man Shart's ears while he sleeps.

Kudos to President Dullard for trying to get Mitch McConnell to “go nuclear” and eliminate the filibuster for all legislation mere weeks before the GOP loses its House majority, all in the name of the Big Dumb Wall Nobody Wants. It's like deciding to let the other team hit off a tee after you've had your last at-bat. This man couldn't graduate middle school.

I'm always nervous when I see “Ruth Bader Ginsburg” in a push notification, but I guess she performed successful cancer surgery on herself with her bare hands while kickboxing a Kodiak bear or something? Oh, and she voted from her hospital bed to smack down Drumpfy's latest assault on refugees, too.

With the shutdown looming, congressional Republicans are thoughtfully taking time out of their busy schedules to rub salt in the wounds of the hundreds of thousands of hard-working people they're fucking over to stroke one narcissist's ego. Freedom Caucus Grand Wizard Mark Meadows says, “Hey, when you took a federal job, this is what you signed up for; placing your financial well-being in the hands of malicious idiots who don't care if you live or die!” And Representative Scott Perry wonders who needs something as silly as a paycheck around the holidays?

And yeah, we're getting a shutdown. How long? Who knows? Possibly Shartolo Colon thinks Mueller can't work so long as the government's closed.

Well no matter what happens, you ain't shuttin’ down Shower Cap! Only thing that can do that is when I go to one of those bars that serves fancy Belgian beers with ridiculously high alcohol content which I forget about so I guzzle them like they were MGDs. That shit shuts me down good n’ proper.

*Wet hens, I have been led to believe, are quite angry. In the interest of full disclosure, I confess I cannot verify this.

Monday Roundup: Stephen Miller's Hair and Other Lovecraftian Horrors

My friends, it is a testament to my drive and focus that this evening's blog isn't just a long series of gags about Stephen Miller's stale, crusty, easy cheese makeover, but dammit, I'm a journalist*! And I have a duty** to bring the news*** to the people****!

So let's wade through the madness, shall we? (You know this by now, but you can find this post, with all the relevant news links, on my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/monday-roundup-stephen-millers-hair-and-other-lovecraftian-horrors/)

Chris Christie, a guy whose political career ended in scandal, with approval ratings somewhere between genital tumors and the Blue (Da-Ba-Dee) song, joined the legion of deplorable shitsticks refusing to climb aboard the Shartanic, in refusing to become Dorito Mussolini's Chief of Staff. If getting turned down by a puritanical asparagus fart like Rick Santorum was embarrassing (and it was), this was a British-version-of-The-Office-level humiliation.

President Festering Nectarine finally got Mick Mulvaney to accept the gig, at least on an interim basis, presumably by threatening his family. Mulvaney will continue to serve in his current jobs as Director of OMB, White House Sous-Chef, Conditioning Coach for the GOP Bowling Team, and Commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation.

Rest In Peace, the Weekly Standard...I guess? Journalism about journalism is as tedious as theatre about theatre, so my feed has been full of cloyingly somber tributes to the magazine that sold the GOP's garbage ideas while sipping brandy in expensive suits instead of gargling cheap bear in a Trump That Bitch t-shirt, which is allegedly better for reasons that have not been explained to me.

I love, respect, and admire my never-Trumpers, I do...up to a point. They continue to dismiss or ignore the ten thousand ways they helped pave the way for Trump and Trumpism, but I admit it's kinda sad that they truly believed their lofty-if-shitty ideas ever really had an audience in a base animated by white resentment, white resentment, and above all else, white resentment.

Rudy Giuliani spends so much time moving goalposts, you'd think he was a fucking groundskeeper. Now suddenly all the hush payments that federal prosecutors have have labeled crimes are not crimes at all! And neither is collusion, how convenient! First it was “truth isn't truth,” now it's “crime isn't crime.” One of these days, he'll be on Meet the Press, and go, “Rudy isn't Rudy,” and blink completely out of existence.

Scott Walker signed a set of bills that reduce early voting and limit the powers of his Democratic successor because he's a cheap, fascist, thug, and because Republicans are testing the waters to find out exactly how much Democracy they can get away with destroying. No jokes in this paragraph, people. Just a very loud warning.

Paul Ryan, having driven his party into a ditch and inflated the national debt like one of those orange blob monsters in Dig Dug, is abusing the powers of his office one last time before leaving the nest for his new home inside David Koch's butthole. Paul actually wants a very non-Republican increase in immigration...for white people, of course! Yes, he's pushing for extra visas for the Irish, just to give the most condescendingly theatrical wink imaginable to all the GOP's ceaseless ranting and raving about immigration on the way out the door. I miss him already.

Fresh off a stint in the big house, lil’ Georgie Papaderpaderp says he wants to roll up to the trough and be a fancypants Congressgrifter just like Chris Collins and Duncan Hunter! His platform will be be half treason, half crime, and allllllll failure, bay-bee!

Hey, Tucker Carlson is finally shedding sponsors on his Smirking Douchenozzle White Power Hour, which seems...overdue. I honestly wonder, though...are brands fleeing the likes of Laura Ingraham and Liar Tuck because they don't want to be associated with shameless bigotry, or because America's white supremacists don't have any disposable income left after binging on ammunition and meth on payday?

Remember Friday night? You thought the news had died down for the week, so you were free to sneak out to your local watering hole/swingers party/dominatrix dungeon and get a leg up on the weekend but that's exactly when a Texas judge (who I am choosing to visualize as an elderly Yosemite Sam, complete with smoking pistols) decided he would like to take a fat sloppy dump in the middle of millions of his countrymen's lives, and declare the ACA to be 31 flavors of unconstitutional, because if the founding fathers wanted us to be healthy, they'd have cured cancer themselves, by gum.

The consensus seems to be that the legal reasoning behind the ruling is shakier than Brett Kavanaugh on spring break, and likely to be overturned. It's still a nice reminder that Republican Party doesn't want us to be alive any longer than is absolutely necessary. Sure, give the labor of the prime of your life to our donor class in return for substandard wages, but once you're no longer producing for your betters, well, if you could kindly drag yourself to the glue factory, that'd be swell.

Cowboy Ryan Zinke, having looted the supply closets at Interior down to the last paper clip and sold Smoky the Bear to Chevron as rag material, will be moving on to greener pastures. Like Scott Pruitt and Tom Price before him, he will be replaced by someone equally committed to undermining his department's mission, but likely not so stupid and greedy as to attract an army of watchdogs.

Word is, the Shart House tried for weeks to push the Z-Man out the door, but he wouldn't leave until he got to throw a big Xmas party for his lobbyist buddies. Can you imagine? Getting pushed around by a two-bit goon like Ryan Zinke? “I won't let you fire me until after my party.” It's just a goddamn mystery how this pillar of strength failed to disarm North Korea, isn't it?

Anyway, you sort of wish Zinke would wind up gettin’ some Jurassic-Park-style justice, don'tcha? Like he gets lost in Yellowstone, and devoured by a pack of squirrels or something?

Everybody wants their donations back from Celebrity Racist/Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, but she already spent the money, suckaaaaaaaas! And when she wears her shiny new ruby-crusted pendant shaped like a burning cross on the Senate floor next year, she's gonna wink at the C-SPAN cameras and whisper “Thanks, Major League Baseball!”

Hey, speaking of unrepentant bigots who totally gotta away with everything, remember when then-Georgia Attorney General Brian Kemp accused state Dems, mere days before the midterm election, of attempting to illegally hack the state's voter registration system? Well, as we all suspected at the time, the little shitweasel made it all up! Pulled it straight out of his fascist ass! And combined with all of the other sneaky voter suppression operations he was able to direct as the guy in charge of overseeing his own election, he was juuuuuuust able to squeak out a “victory.”

But make no mistake; Brian Kemp is not the legitimately elected Governor of Georgia. And we shouldn't pretend otherwise. I've said it before, but when these bastards win by cheating, we need to stop congratulating them on their wiliness.

The Senate Intelligence Committee released their reports on Russia's meddling in the 2016 election, and you were all, “Oh right, we've been so focused on emoluments and Manafort and staff turnover we kinda forgot the part where there was an enemy nation working to install this Giant Rotten Nougatwad Wrecking Ball that's been fucking up our country for the last two years!”

There's all kinds of stuff in there about the Russians going after Mueller, or encouraging disaffected leftists to vote for Jill Stein and now I have to think about Jill Fucking Stein and that means grinding another layer of enamel off my teeth, goddammit.

So, the President of the United States thinks Saturday Night Live is illegal. Or ought to be. Because they make fun of him. In some ways, it's actually very amusing the way he behaves like a textbook authoritarian dictator, straight of central casting; the terror and hatred of mockery is Autocrat 101. In others, I occasionally worry he'll send drones to bomb 30 Rock.

He also seems to think that there something illegal about...investigating crimes. It must be hard to type on a spittle-drenched iPhone, but he spent the weekend trying to stir up a national outcry over the FBI...doing its job. “They're gathering evidence and interviewing witnesses and it's basically 1984 up in here now!” he shrieked, which actually provided a helpful opportunity for General Kelly to show Mick Mulvaney how to change the presidential diaper.

And yes, Stephen Miller, freshly ornamented with a thin layer of Nutella and dryer lint, slithered out onto the Sunday Shoz to hiss and spit his usual hateful bile and insist that Team Treasonweasel will do whatever is necessary to get their Big Stupid Wall That Nobody Wants built, they'll shut down the government, they'll tear down the Alamo for bricks, if they have to, they'll...wait, what? Yes, that's my real hair! It IS! I'M GENETICALLY SUPERIOR GODDAMMIT! QUIT LAUGHING!

...Stevie's not just the president of the hair club for klansmen, he's also a client!

Weehands McNodick is fond of of whining and moaning about the cost of the Mueller probe, which, again, is an investigation into an ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES BY A HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER, so maybe if we're pinching pennies we could cut back on the golf before the national defense. But it turns out that not only has the whole shebang cost significantly less than, say, a cynical political stunt deployment of our troops, but it's actually seized significantly more than its expenses just from Paul Manafort.

So the Bobadook has actually turned a profit, making his investigation more successful than any of the Shart of the Deal’s businesses.

But if wasting taxpayer money is your jam, you'll LOVE the latest bribe, er...”payout” to the farmers who have victimized by Tangerine Idi Amin's moronic trade war! We could reverse the tariffs, but no, borrowing truckfuls of money for the world's most expensive band-aid makes much more sense.

The Department of Justice really really really really REALLY doesn't want the emoluments clause lawsuit to proceed to the discovery phase, on account of all the bribery that will turn up. More like the INjustice department, amright? (Extends arm expectantly for high five.)

Lamar Alexander, who isn't a moderate but feels like one because he doesn't have a QAnon tattoo on face, announced he will not seek re-election in 2020, which gives the feral assclowns of the Tennessee GOP two whole years to find somebody even batshittier than Marsha Blackburn to send to Washington to make laws mandating that department store Santas be heterosexual or whatever. I'm sure they're more than up to the task, sadly.

A couple of Mike Flynn's pals got indicted for their secret work “lobbying” on behalf of the Turkish government, and you know I'm starting to suspect these inner-circle MAGAts haven't been putting America first. Yes, this is all about Erdogan getting his hands on dissident cleric Fethullah Gulen, like he's the last uncaptured Pokemon or something. Yes, that's the same guy Government Cheese Goebbels’ is trying to swap to Turkey in exchange for their complicity in the Khashoggi murder. Yes, he would be swiftly murdered himself upon returning “home.” This is how immoral people conduct diplomacy, Virginia.

...and now that Khashoggi nabbed Donnie Dotard's coveted Time Person of the Year spot, you know the old man wants his name buried once and for all.

I'm sure there's more, but I feel like I've been slapped in the face with an ostomy bag for about eight hours right now, so I’m gonna sign off for the evening. See ya soon, Shower Captives!

*I am not in any way, shape, or form a journalist.


***poop jokes

***that one's fine, actually.
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