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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 172

Journal Archives

Nut Punches to the NRA AND Humiliation for Marco Rubio? What Should I do with my 3rd Wish? (Ferret)

In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know that Shower Cap is still a bit under the weather tonight, and thus tonight's post was composed by a crisis blogger.

(Post available, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/nut-punches-nra-humiliation-marco-rubio-third-wish/)

Bad news for the deluded fools who imagined Mitt Romney's Utah Senate run would herald the return of decency to the Republican Party, as Mittens wasted no time whatsoever abasing himself over the Marmalade Shartcannon's endorsement.

You almost feel sorry for these guys. Like, do you not remember how quickly all of Mitt's bold criticisms of Trump vanished into thin air once he got a whiff of the Secretary of State post? Dogs gotta bark, fish gotta swim, Mitt Romney gotta pander. Death, taxes, Mitt Romney abandoning his loudly-professed "values."

Fresh drama on The Real Jagoffs of the Executive Branch! General Kelly and Jared Kushner are having a slap fight over access to highly classified intelligence! Kelly takes the How the Fuck is This Even a Little Bit Controversial position that if you, say, can't get your security clearance because of the OVER ONE HUNDRED LIES, excuse me, "errors and ommisions" on your clearance forms, then maybe you shouldn't get to casually peruse the most sensitive information on the planet.

Jar-Jar counters that he really WANTS to keep getting top secret intel, because it makes him feel like a big special boy and he needs all the help he can get to get out of financial trouble and also to "bring peace to the Middle East," snicker snicker.

I SWEAR I read something about Republicans being mad at Hillary Clinton over her irresponsible handling of classified intel, but that can't be right, that would mean all these people are enormous hypocrites!

...wait.

And National Security Advisor/Non-Turkish Agent H.R. McMaster may be on the way out! Donnie Two-Scoops is super mad that H.R. said mean things about the Russians interfering in our elections, and hey, having one competent guy hanging around makes everyone else look bad, right?

McMaster's replacement is rumored to be a Teddy Ruxpin doll equipped with a cassette tape filled with compliments of the President's hair.

But most of the news this week has been about guns and gun control. Normally, the media has moved on from the latest mass shooting tragedy by now, but these Stoneman Douglas kids are savvy as fuck, and they've just been tap-dancing on the NRA's balls for days now, with no signs of letting up.

Several surviving students travelled to the Florida capital, just in time to sit in the gallery as the House voted overwhelmingly to not even bother going through the motions of pretending to consider an assault weapons ban.

Understandably, the students became emotional, because it sucks to see the people who're supposed to be your representatives stand right in front of you, middle fingers raised high, declaring that they don't give a fuck about your suffering and won't do one fucking thing to spare anyone else the same fate.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on Florida legislature. They were, in all fairness, busy declaring pornography a public health risk. Surely, who can forget the tragedy that took place when that one guy rampaged through a school, killing 17 students and teachers with a sticky VHS copy of Debbie Does Dallas?

...hang on.

Dinesh D'Souza, reading the moment with Trumpian clarity, took the children's despair as cue for a victory lap. "In your FACE, kids-whose-friends-were-murdered!!!!! GOOOOOOO TEAM MURDER!"

There are no longer intellectuals in the Republican Party, only trolls.

And Dinesh isn't even the shittiest shitsack to open up their shit mouth and vomit their diarrhea into the world.

GOP CongressDemon Claudia Tenney, apparently super-eager for her really-quite-swingable district's voters to boot her indecent ass straight to the private sector, raged about how the LIBRUL MEDIA covers up how mass shooters are usually Dirty Democrats like how "Dylann Roof" is really David Plouffe's stage name for when he does his cabaret show and also shoots up churches.

Point is, Tenney is hot trash and we really need to make sure that Blue Wave saves a splash for the New York 22nd.

And let's not forget Shart, Jr., merrily spreading the vilest conspiracy theories from the most deranged corners of the far-right jagosphere. Again, how utterly broken do you have to be to require a deep state conspiracy to explain anti-gun activism from a kid whose classmates were murdered?

Anyway, forget the asshole brigade for a minute. Let's stand up and applaud these teenagers! You see these young people standing up right in the face of the NRA's paid stooges, calling them exactly what they are, which is uncaring profiteers, and you wonder...why didn't we do this ages ago?

And shit, y'all...watching these clips of Marco Rubio getting so thoroughly OWNED, over and over, by these kids, and their teachers and parents...I'll never need pornography again. It's the sexxxiest thing I've ever seen.

Rubio, the emptiest shirt this side of Hawley Griffin, panicked and pandered a bit, but swiftly took to the Electronic Tweeting Machine to reassure his death merchant masters of his fidelity.

NRA SpokesDemon Dana Loesch was on her best behavior, and let's talk about what it says about the state of your soul when your BEST behavior involves so much deception, condescension, and concern trolling.

Loesch didn't have to wait long to wash the stink of faux decency off. The very next day, before the raving hoards at CPAC, she belched up some bile about mass shootings being the media's fault, because...well, there's never any "because," not really. There doesn't need to be. That audience doesn't need details, just a target to hate.

(Also at CPAC, Ted Cruz boasted about his role in keeping weapons of war legally available to any asshole who wants them, I guess because he feels he's not getting enough credit for the 17 Parkland funerals. He went on to declare Democrats the "party of Lisa Simpson," because resentment of intelligence is a core conservative value.)

Now, the Quivering Custard Coward was absolutely not man enough to attend to the CNN town hall, so he hosted his own "listening session," with a friendlier crowd in much safer space. Few were the calls for gun control, and the big takeaway was that the President of the United States of America required a cheat sheet to be reminded to demonstrate empathy, because he is a sociopath who otherwise would've started hitting on the high school girls.

(Can we talk about the kind of human being who needs to write "I hear you" down? We've got a President who couldn't handle a customer service gig at the Gap.)

Anyhow, the Velveeta Vulgarian displayed the full range of his mental prowess, suggesting that one thing that might help would be if movies and video games had some sort of "ratings" system designed to keep children away from excessively violent content.

Yeah, that happened, folks. In real life. Next week he'll hold a press conference to call for cup holders in automobiles.

Oh, and he wants to arm teachers. He's particularly pleased with the economics of his little idea, because it's cheaper than hiring armed guards. Yep, while making sure everyone's up to speed on the Pythagorean theorem, or exploring the themes of MADAME BOVARY, your overworked-and-underpaid public school teacher will now be expected to keep the corner of their eye on the classroom door, prepared to stave off a mass-murderer at a moment's notice. MAKES SENSE.

Meanwhile, we also learned that during the Parkland shooting, the designated "good guy with a gun," a sheriff's deputy, rather than engaging the shooter...froze. Now, this is sad for all kinds of reasons, and I don't want to dump on this guy, he's gonna spend the rest of his life punishing himself, and he probably should.

But can we at least learn the important lesson here? So much of the lunacy from the gibbering gun nut crowd is based on the idea that only MORE guns will make us safer, because once the bullets start flying, Captain Good Guy, despite his lack of experience or training, will calmly put two or three right between the (more heavily-armed) shooter's eyes, EASY-PEASY.

So, honestly, HOW FUCKING STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE to imagine it'd be that simple? Here we have a trained, professional, law-enforcement officer who FROZE. There are all kinds of dispiriting statistics out there regarding the shooting accuracy of ACTUAL COPS. News flash, cowboys; a live shooter situation is a WEE BIT more stressful than Call of Duty. YES, EVEN THE LAST FEW LEVELS.

Just a suggestion, but maybe we should stop considering the baseless fantasies of underdeveloped manchildren when we're sorting out life or death issues.

But the news is better than it's ever been. Things really are different this time. "Yeah, we've heard that before!" shouts the cynic in the back. Fair.

But looka here: the NRA's brand is FINALLY becoming as toxic as it deserves to be, and the corporate partnerships are evaporating. First National Bank of Omaha announced they're discontinuing their NRA (10% cash back on bullets that murder children!) credit card. And later in the day, a major car rental conglomerate pulled out, too.

It's gonna take awhile, but we've finally got these fuckers on the run. November 6th is going to be a very bad night for the National Rifle Association.

Iowa Republican CongressThing Rod Blum violated some ethics rules, probably because he's seeking a cabinet post, and if you don't have a few crimes on your resume, you can't even get your foot in the door these days.

Oh, and the GOP has paid Donnie Dotard's ex-bodyguard, Keith Schiller, more than 75 grand out a slush fund with is totally not hush money, shut up, your FACE is hush money!

Didja see that thing where the President of United States threatened to withdraw a law enforcement agency from a state he's mad at, the idea being, the ensuing crime wave would make them so sorry that they'd come crawling back and beg him to unleash his ICEstapo on them once more, and also maybe teach them how to tie their neckties so freakishly long, we're sorry for mocking it, it's actually really stylish?

So apparently Rick Gates will NOT be rolling over and plea bargaining just yet. Instead, he's got his legal team playing musical chairs, I think he's claiming to be represented by Paul Newman's character from THE VERDICT by now.

Anyhow, Bob Mueller said, "That's cool, bro, you do you," and promptly slapped him (and Manafort) upside the head with a fresh new 32-count indictment. THIRTY-TWO. FUCK.

If they've been keeping up their punch cards, Manafort and Gates will eligible for a free indictment soon!

Mueller also indicted Dutch lawyer Alex van der Zwaan, son-in-law of a Tremendously Fancy Russia Oligarch, for his attempts to infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D and kill Nick Fury. Excuse me, for "lying to investigators."

The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services' mission will no longer include language about our country being "a nation of immigrants" because didn't you get the memo, white people are totally native to this continent now, in fact Stephen Miller sprung, fully formed, from his own forehead!

Hey, if you were hoping to see video of a Nazi with outstanding warrants physically threatening an American journalist, Seb Gorka has good news for you!

Just to wrap up on a note of raw schadenfreude, Missouri Governor Eric Greitens' non-consensual-dirty-picture-taking habit caught up with him in a big fucking way. Yes, 49 of our governors were not taken into custody by law enforcement today; the other one was Eric Greitens.

Greitens, a protege of Mike Pence, is 31 flavors of fucked now. Indicted by a grand jury, with an investigation by the state House about to launch, I don't think he's a GOP "rising star" anymore, do you?

Oh, and the Candycorn Skidmark tweeted a widely-debunked story about CNN banning a kid from the town hall for refusing to read a scripted question. No biggie, just the leader of the free world using his platform to spread misinformation as part of his ongoing war on the free press.

There's probably more, but I really need to watch those Rubio videos some more.

Happy Presidents Day, Ya Filthy Animal: On Decency, Disco, and Doping While Curling

Well, because the Deep State fears my work, they have infected me once again with the stomach flu. I've vomited on this blog post several times. I did my best to clean it up, but make sure to sanitize your screen after reading. (Or, get the post cleaner, and with links at: http://showercapblog.com/happy-presidents-day-ya-filthy-animal-decency-disco-doping-curling/)

It doesn't feel right to celebrate Presidents Day this year, not with this President. You shouldn't get the day off school, there should be extra school. We should all have to mine coal for five hours while the PA system broadcasts a documentary on the dangers of fake news, narrated by Gilbert Gottfried.

The level of day-to-day fuckery is so high with this malicious clown, it seems to take something truly obscene to genuinely shock us anymore.

Well, Donald J. Trump, (The "J" stands for "No way 'empathy' is a real word, General Kelly, you just made that up!" bitter at being trapped inside his club but unable to golf (wow, there's a Twilight Zone moment for ya) for two whole days in order to maintain the facade that he gives half a rat's ass about anybody, least of all the children murdered in Parkland, took to the pneumatic tweeting machine to expose the darkest shit-stained corners of his withered, decaying, soul.

Sure, there was all the anticipated whining, the blame deflection, the nonsensical, dishonest, babbling about Obama and Hillary and the dossier. All that, while deeply humiliating for this nation we love, was, alas, totally expected.

But that wasn't enough, was it?

No, the Hairplug That Ate Decency, who remains too cowardly to face the the activist survivors of the Parkland shooting, who fled his responsibilities as the nation's consoler-in-chief by flitting as quickly as possible through a couple of token photo ops with a shiteating grin and a thumbs up, had the audacity to prop up the dead bodies of murdered children as shield to cower behind.

If only the FBI wasn't spending so much time on the Russia investigation (and even he doesn't dare call it a hoax anymore, not after the latest indictments), the shooting wouldn't have happened. That's the story. The men and women working to protect the country from a hostile foreign adversary are somehow to blame for this senseless act of violence, for they are investigating poor, put-upon, Donald Trump.

God, the obscenity of it.

Won't say a single word condemning Russia for attacking us. Won't lift a finger to protect the country he is literally in charge of protecting. Instead, he assaults the nation's law enforcement for uncovering a crime, using the casualties of an unspeakable tragedy as his cudgel.

He went to a fucking DISCO PARTY rather than meet with anyone who might make him a little bit uncomfortable. A DISCO PARTY.

Fortunately, America is packed to the gills with citizens possessing far greater decency than their President.

The teenage survivors of the shooting are leading the charge, and it's Capra-on-steroids-level inspiring. They're calling BS. They're organizing marches. Others have called for a nationwide school walkout.

You folks just tell me where to stand.

GOP donor Al Hoffman, Jr. says he's shutting off that sweet cashmoney spigot until Republicans agree to support an assault weapons ban. Rick Scott, drenched with sweat and freaking out from withdrawal, was all "C'mon, man, just a taste, we're friends," but so far Al has held firm. Here's hoping a few more follow his example.

Meanwhile the usual suspects are deploying their usual tactics, hoping to deflect the outrage until the nation moves on. Everybody's blaming their own personal favorite scapegoat.

The religious right blames America's declining morality, while circling the wagons around the pussygrabbing traitor.

Jeff Sessions helpfully suggests gangs had something to do with a man who was not in a gang committing mass murder.

And Steve Bannon probably blames the rising cost of gin. Who the fuck cares what these bought-and-paid-for lackeys say? Push them out of the way, especially when we VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, and let's build a world where nobody has to listen to some blathering idiot claiming armed teachers and bulletproof backpacks are the answer EVER AGAIN.

And of course, no shooting tragedy is complete without the jibbering maniacs of the far-right declaring the whole thing was massive false flag staged conspiracy! I think it says a lot about a person when they can't understand why someone would speak out against guns after their teachers and classmates were murdered.

Some people actually care...about other people. Shocking, I know.

Oh, and getting back to the unfiltered indecency for a minute, a White House official even expressed gratitude for the massacre, because it forced the Rob Porter scandal out of the headlines, and gave Team Obscene a little "reprieve."

Jesus Fuck. What's truly disgusting is, that off-the-record official is totally right. John Kelly should absolutely be fired for giving a serial domestic abuser access to classified intel when he couldn't get a security clearance, but Florida took the heat off. LUCKY BREAK, HUH, GENERAL?

Y'know what disqualifies you from advising this President? Expertise. In any field. If you know anything about anything, Government Cheese Goebbels doesn't wanna hear from you.

Y'know what qualifies you to advise this President? Dropping the $200,000 Marm-a-Lago membership fee right into his shitty little pocket, next to the ketchup packets he always keeps handy in case somebody surprises him with a steak.

Looks like Spittle-Drenched Conspiracy-Monger Wayne Allyn Root took advantage of the opportunity, no doubt to urge sensible action. Or wait, maybe he just wants every American school patrolled by flying death robots. Sounds reasonable.

Gosh, I got so caught up exploring the insane state of the gun debate in this country, I almost forgot the thing where the Mueller investigation detailed a massive foreign conspiracy to interfere in our elections, and also the other bit where the President of the United States doesn't seem to care much.

A Shart House SpokesDope insisted boogeymen like "Democrats" and "the media" were actually much worse than the Russians, because exposing a crime, or working to punish the perpetrators and make sure they don't do it again is much much worse than committing the crime in the first place. Duh. Law school 101.

Anyway, it's super fun poking around the embarrassingly-simple troll farm operations that tore our country apart and installed a Broken Down Diaper Service Truck in our most powerful office. "Even the trolls" were surprised at what they could get the armies of enraged rubes to believe.

After Pizzagate, nothing would surprise me. If anybody's planning a War of the Worlds type radio show, let's hold off for a more discerning populace, 'kay?

So Rick Gates will indeed plead guilty and testify against his old partner, Paul, who is now more #Manafucked than ever. Neat.

If we can take a step back for a minute to look at the larger picture...we've got THREE high ranking officials on the Drumpf campaign who are now confessed felons, one of whom served as National Security Advisor, with a fourth under indictment.

Somehow we've agreed to this narrative where SHARTUS isn't in any real trouble unless "collusion" is proved, but we have AN ENTIRE CAMPAIGN RUN BY FELONS, and I don't think people care as much about that as they should.

It seems Scott Pruitt has some sort of special "waiver" that lets him fly first class (at your expense and mine) whenever he feels like going anyplace. My sources tell me this "waiver" comes in the form of a laminated hall pass, and that the other kids in the Cabinet are jealous of Scott for hogging it, and Ryan Zinke is tired of riding in the back with the peasants.

Speaking of the unwashed masses, Donnie Dotard's budget calls for the elimination of the program that provides heating assistance subsidies to low income citizens, because to Republicans, if you're poor, you don't deserve to live.

HA HA WHAT A FUNNY JOKE, CAP, "IF YOU'RE POOR..." oh wait that really is what their whole philosophy comes down to, isn't it, ha...ha? I wonder how "If you're poor, you don't deserve to live" would look on a red ballcap?

And Shartboy, Jr., is taking a little trip to India to see if he can't parlay access to his gullible dipshit dad into some quick n' easy cash. Despite not being a government official of any kind, Junior will be delivering a "foreign policy" speech, which will likely consist of showing off the 7th grade geography quiz he finally passed last week.

Pennsylvania Republicans are throwing a shitfit today, and not just because women and black people can vote. Y'see, the state Supreme Court handed down their new congressional district map, and it is no longer Gerrymandered For Their Pleasure. Under the new map, Dems have a good chance to pick up a seat or two or three, which Republicans say is unfair, because on a level playing field, they'll actually pay a political price for garbage policies.

CNN reports Mueller's interest in Jared Kushner is growing, which really shouldn't surprise us. After all, for the first 30 minutes of the movie, Mueller was always talking about how irritating he found young Jar-Jar, and you know that always means they end up getting together in the end.

I guess Bashful Bob sees something there he never saw before. Is it the tilt of his head, the glint in his eye? Or could it be his well-publicized desperation to leverage his government post for a Kushner family bailout?

We may never know, but...Young Luv, right?

Hey, just because the Super Bowl has come and gone doesn't mean we're not still ready for some FOOTBALL, right? In this case, the nuclear football! Axios reports a "scuffle" in China, over That Thing That Can Launch Commands to End All Life on Earth.

So that's fun. A little slapstick over the nuclear football, some dumbass got caught doping FOR CURLING, and KFC's out of chicken. Sounds about right. See you at the Mad Hatter's place, round about tea time.

Oh, and there's a MAGA dating site now. You have to take an IQ test to sign up, and if you pass, they don't let you in.

I'm putting this up a little early tonight, so I get back to my NyQuil-infused dreams. I hope I pick up where I left off last night, I was in the middle of an adaptation of Der Ring des Nibelungen as imagined by Julie Taymor in partnership with Timothy Leary. Hour six. Good shit.

Mueller Sends Late Valentines to 13 Russian Friends, and Other News (Ferret/ShowerCap)

This was supposed to be an easy, pleasant, weekend. I was gonna get to see BLACK PANTHER, which would bring me as much joy as it brought Ben Shapiro existential terror.

But no, the Madness intervened yet again, so here I sit, with a six pack and the internet's all-you-can-stomach news buffet. Wheeeeee. As always, check out the madness, with links, at http://showercapblog.com/mueller-sends-late-valentines-13-russian-friends/

So the Republican Party is back to doing what it does best; increasing human suffering! This time, the House GOP voted to undermine the Americans with Disabilities Act, because...fuck it, I don't have any jokes. Because they're bad people, ok?

With the tax bill, and the immigration debate, and gun control, and health care, and Trump, and all the other shit they've put us through this last year-and-change, let's just call a spade a spade. These are shitty people, and they do shitty things. There. I said it. I feel great.

Anyhoo, see where the Velveeta Urinal Cake gave himself a sturdy pat on the back for getting GM to relocate a factory from South Korea to Detroit, only that isn't a thing that's actually happening because he just made it up?

I only bring this up to mention that my chain of Bathrobe-and-Luchador-Mask shops will soon be expanding into not only Detroit, but Oz, Latveria, Narnia, and Arrakis.

A little light grifting over at the Department of Veterans affairs, where the Secretary's Chief of Staff resigned after getting caught doctoring e-mails to force upon the American people the privilege of paying for the Secretary's wife's vacation. Honestly, this seems hardly worth mentioning amidst the larger crimes of this cabal. Call me when you build a soundproof booth in your office, you fucking amateurs.

Speaking of Scott Pruitt, he says that because he got yelled at a couple of times, he's entitled to a taxpayer-funded first class safe space whenever he travels. Pruitt added that it's "really cool that Americans are willing to work so hard to provide me with the extra leg room and all those little tiny wine bottles. I'd thank you all, but I'm kind of a dick."

Turning things over to our gossip columnist for a moment, look out ladies! It seems Rob Porter is back on the market!

...seriously, though. Look out. He's a serial domestic abuser, and I imagine he's unusually angry these days, even by his own standards. If you see Rob Porter, just call the police. Unless you have mace, in which case, mace him, and then call the police.

The fallout of the Porter shitstorm also turned up more than 100 Shart House staffers working without permanent security clearances. So yeah, you're looking at intelligence at the highest levels of classification being handled by...who the fuck knows? An oh-so-blackmailable wife-beater, and Jared Kushner, who just amended his security forms AGAIN because he keeps forgetting all the places he owes money? Dang, I feel safe.

I seem to remember some allegations of irresponsible handling of classified information being brought up once or twice during Hillary Clinton's campaign, but...y'know, I read a lot of stuff, I may just be imagining that.

Oh hey, Paul Manafort's sidekick rolled over on him? That Gates fellah? He's working on a plea deal and cooperating with the Mueller investigation? That's fun!

Hope you enjoyed that last Thanksgiving, Paulie, because now more than ever, you are truly...#Manafucked.

(Even more #Manafucked than I thought, I guess. While I was drafting, Bashful Bob turned up fresh new evidence of bank fraud on the former Drumpf campaign head's part. I'm starting to think there's something fishy about this Manafort fellow.)

Laura Ingraham has some ideas on who's allowed to have political opinions, and SPOILERZ, it certainly isn't black people!

Laura wants everyone to understand how super-deluxe-un-racist she is, even as she demands that LeBron James and Kevin Durant shut their (black) mouths and keep their (black) opinions to their (black) selves.

Yes, this is the same Ingraham that gave Trump a Nazi salute at the RNC back when we all still thought Americans were too decent to elect a Malignant HateClown President, by the way.

If you blinked, you probably missed the immigration "debate" Mitch McConnell, in his gracious majesty, permitted on the floor of the Senate. Since the Grifter Grand Wizard announced his intentions to veto any bill that didn't qualify as Pornography Custom-Made for Klansmen, two compromise bills with bipartisan support failed to overcome a Racist Shitbag, excuse me, "Republican Party" filibuster.

Of course, Trump's preferred bill (The "Stephen Miller Thinks It's So Sexy He Printed Out a Copy to Rub Sensually Across His Giant Bald Spot Act of 2018" failed hardest of all, managing only 39 votes. In related news, 39 Republican Senators are not so very different from the Very Fine People of the Charlottesville marches.

As you know, there was another horrific school shooting, with 17 fatalities. I don't understand how this happened, friends. I mean, after the last mass shooting, we did precisely nothing, so WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

Well, I'm sure the Absolutely Nothing we do this time will work much better than all the previous Absolutely Nothings.

Fat Q*Bert, like a good little NRA stooge, was quick to point to the shooter's mental health in the immediate aftermath, hoping no one would remember that time he signed a bill making it easier for people with mental illnesses to buy guns, or that time he called for massive cuts to mental health treatment.

And Senator Marco Rubio, notoriously Jell-O-legged on literally everything else, declared with the confidence of Moses walking down from the mountain that anyone who's ever committed a mass shooting would have absolutely found some magical method to kill exactly the same the number of people as they did with the assault rifles we make so readily available for reasons that defy sanity.

When asked to provide anything even remotely resembling evidence for the claim he pulled directly out his ass, Senator Rubio said, "No further comment, I have to spend the rest of the afternoon counting all the money the NRA has donated to my campaigns. If you guys could just play this interview on loop next time somebody murders a bunch of kids with an assault rifle, we can all save ourselves a bunch of time and hassle, k?"

If that guy in Las Vegas didn't have his bump stock, he'd just have slaughtered those 58 human beings with blow darts, right, Marco?

Somehow Rubio isn't even the biggest asshole shooting his mouth-sphincter off about Why Guns Are the Real Victim of This Mass Shooting. Meet North Carolina State Representative Larry Pittman, (Guess his party. Just GUESS.) who suggests we need to keep an eye on "Communist Democrats," who are shooting up schools so they'll have an excuse to take away Larry Pittman's armory and take over the country, and then, no doubt, THE WORLD.

Net-Neutrality-Castrating Douchebag Ajit Pai seems to be under investigation for maybe just maybe improperly castrating net neutrality for the benefit of Sinclair Broadcasting.

I tell you what, the handful of Drump appointees who AREN'T under investigation are starting to suffer from Inspector General Envy. Sonny Perdue is now conspicuously stuffing his pockets with office supplies on the way out the door every day. Rick Perry keeps having too-loud phone conversations with Saudi Princes, offering to sell them Texas oil fields in exchange for shiny beads.

On the Remember When Infidelity Mattered to the Right front, Stormy Daniels says Michael Cohen violated the NDA in her $130,000 blackmail payoff agreement, so now she's free to share all the gory details of how she blackmailed the President of the United States and did I mention that the President of the United States has a documented history of paying blackmail and why doesn't that bother Trey Gowdy more?

And we even learned of ANOTHER affair, including details of Shartboy's factory-like accountability-avoidance operation.

You keep waiting for the Religious Right to do something silly like, y'know, actually adhering to their (loudly) professed values, but no amount of sexual misconduct seems to be enough to make them turn on their Processed Cheese Food Herod.

...maybe when they find about his collection of aborted fetuses.

But I doubt it.

Oh, and we learned that the Poo Mistake's Hilariously Under-Attended Inauguration/American Carnage Hullabaloo committee donated only 5 million bucks to charity, while passing more than five times as much on to Melania's event planner chum, because the family that grifts together...fuck, I can't rhyme that. I've been drinking.

Mitt Romney's Hair announced a run for the Utah Senate seat that Orrin Hatch is slowly disintegrating from. Mittens looks forward to championing Whatever It Is He Thinks You Want to Hear, Utah. He'll be taking over not only Orrin's seat, but Jeff Flake's empty suit. YAY.

Well, we finally found out why Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes was so desperate to use the Might of the Memo to sink the Mueller investigation. Yes, the Bobadook dropped another stack of indictments today, this time of 13 Russian individuals and organizations.

Yes, despite months of assurances from Tangerine Idi Amin that this whole Russia thing was invented by bitter Democrats to explain away their vanquishing at his tiny, tiny, hands/second-place vote total, there seems to be substantial proof of a massive criminal conspiracy of Russian meddling in our elections, designed to damage Our Madame Hilldawg and benefit a certain Festering Crotch Tumor.

Government Cheese Goebbels proudly proclaimed himself totally exonerated of all wrongdoing, which is a weird thing to say when the appropriate answer is "Our nation was a attacked, and I, your President, will punish the perpetrators and prevent future attacks."

It goes without saying that all of the alleged proofs of Trumpal innocence were exactly as real as that GM factory in Detroit. Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein gave a little press conference, carefully repeating "in THIS indictment," because this ballgame ain't close to over. Fuck, only the Special Counsel and his team even know what inning we're in.

Anyway, kudos to Mueller and co. for backing Team Shart into a corner here; now that proof of Russian fuckery is on the table, Donnie Two-Scoops can't shut down the investigation without switching out his MAGA cap for a "Treason is the Swellest" propeller beanie.

Before we move on...HEY. Jill Stein voters. I FUCKING SEE YOU. You see this shit where you were made the willing puppets of a Russian intel op, no better than the rubiest rube in the cheapest MAGA hat? Yeah. You were already morons, but now you're Puppet Morons, which is worse, because I capitalized "Puppet" and "Morons."

If anybody reading this voted for Jill Stein, and isn't eating shit right now, may I recommend you pour yourself a heapin' bowl of shit and dig right in?

So it turns out their was a protocol failure on a tip sent to FBI about the Parkland shooter, and Governor Rick Scott helpfully suggested this was ample reason for FBI Director/Trump obstacle Christopher Wray to resign, and be replaced by Trey Gowdy or that boy who fucks pigs, perhaps. "And take that Rosenstein kid with ya!" shouted Scott, because hey, why not dream big?

And of course Littlefinger scampered down to Marm-a-Lago for the weekend, cuz nothing eases the caught-in-a-treasonous-conspiracy blues quite like redistributing taxpayer money from the Treasury to your own pocket.

He took the briefest of detours to the community shattered by a gunman's madness, spending SIX WHOLE FUCKING MINUTES visiting victims in a nearby hospital, before stopping by the local sheriff's office just long enough to deliver a few remarks inappropriate enough to make a sociopaths convention cringe.

But yeah, an hour or so, and a couple of easy photo ops, then off to GOLF, because he's afraid of children, grieving their lost friends and classmates. Afraid of them, because his staff has seen them on social media, demanding action, demanding gun control, demanding that what happened to them never happens to any other children in this country ever again.

And our President is simply too frightened of these teenagers to even stand in the same room. So he's just hangin' out at his club, not enforcing sanctions. Cool.

Never forget, for all his other failings, which are PLENTIFUL...Donald Trump is a coward. Just a pathetic, trembling, coward.

I'm just saying, if you're afraid of high school kids, maybe you don't have what it takes to be President. But that's why y'all come to this blog, right? For the CONTROVERSY.

Anyway, let me leave you with a request. Let's kick a few bucks to Everytown. To Moms Demand Action. To the DCCC. Let's vote the NRA's blood-stained stooges straight off this fucking planet.

J.K. Rowling's Sean Hannity and the Phantom Jizz Painting

Today was nutty, even by the dryer-full-of-badgers standards to which we've grown accustomed, right? I sorta wish I could get those creepy-ass North Korean cheerleaders to deliver tonight's post, that seems appropriately gonzo.

(As always, the post, with news links, is available at: http://showercapblog.com/j-k-rowlings-sean-hannity-phantom-jizz-painting/)

The entire planet was rocked by the news of Israeli police recommending Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be charged with bribery and fraud.

Wow. That seems important.

BUT, the really BIG story of the day involved Sean Hannity seeing imaginary spunk on Barack Obama's forehead, but on the save-the-best-for-last principle, you'll have to wait until the end of tonight's blog for that shit.

Watching the fallout from this Rob Porter thing reveals all you need to know about the ethical standards of the Clown Car Full of Rectums currently squatting in the White House, doesn't it?

Step One: Hire a Creep credibly accused of domestic violence by two ex-wives.

Step Two: Learn from the FBI that because of said domestic violence accusations, said Creep is ineligible for a security clearance.

Step Three: Keep Creep around, give him access to classified information anyway.

Step Four: Juuuuuust when you're about to promote Creep, get caught with your pants down.

Step Five: Defend creep as Best Dude You Ever Met in Your Whole Life, Seriously He's Like if Gandhi and John Wayne Had a Kid, We Would Never Oh Shit is That a Picture of Her Black Eye After He Punched Her in the Face? Um.

Step Six: Pretend you acted swiftly and decisively, like nobody can scroll up to the news from literally six hours earlier.

Step Seven: Instead of just apologizing for HIRING A FUCKING WIFE-BEATER, tell useless, easily-disproven lie after useless, easily-disproven lie. Hang around waiting for the lies to unravel, one after the other.

Steph Eight: ...PROFIT! If by "profit" you mean "send the last tattered remnants of a four star general's reputation through the wood chipper like Steve Buscemi's last leg."

If all this isn't somehow fucked enough, I guess you sprinkle on some The President Won't Even Condemn Domestic Violence and in Fact Flees Reporters Who Ask Him To, just for seasoning.

Anyway, it sure was fun to have Christopher Wray trot out today to testify under oath that the whole Shart House spin was nothing but a fat sack of horse manure.

And Sarah Huckabee Sanders, bless her shriveled raisin of a heart, there's just no lie too ridiculously large for her to dispense with a condescending sneer. If there were an American Idol for Bullshit, she'd win every year 'till the sun went cold.

Speaking of Wray, the IC leadership also testified that Russia had so much fun attacking our elections in 2016, they just can't wait to do it again this year. But don't worry, there's absolutely no plan on the table to stop them, we haven't even enforced sanctions on them for what they've already done, oh, and the President still doesn't believe they did anything wrong in the first place.

Betsy DeVos hasn't made headlines for a few weeks, so you may find yourself wondering, "Hey Cap, is Betsy DeVos still trash?"

I am here to inform you that yes, Virginia, Betsy DeVos remains trash of the rankest order. Seems Betsy checked in with her God, the one who decreed she should be Education Secretary despite never working a day in her life and knowing fuckall about education, and it told her to rescind civil rights protections from transgender students.

Well, it's a victory for bullies everywhere, if nothing else. But yeah, isn't it fun being governed by an administration moving backwards on civil rights? I bet Betsy and Jeff Sessions enjoy many a self-congratulatory sweet tea break, toasting their efforts, making the world safe for the White and Mediocre.

If it makes anybody feel better, even Ted Cruz has started tremblin' at the thought of the pending Blue Tsunami awaiting the sad coalition of grifters, klansmen, and collaborators we call the Republican Party. Yes, Ted, we will indeed "crawl over broken glass" to vote you fuckers out. History's gonna need a bigger dustbin, we've got so many treasonous fuckheads to sweep away. (Hey. Give Ted's Democratic opponent, Beto O'Rourke, some cash, okay?)

Boy howdy, Scott Pruitt sure does like pissing away taxpayer money on first-class flights! 90 grand over just a few days in June! Scotty Boy likes to say he's just taking appropriate security precautions, because he imagines he's constantly beset upon by hostile forces who know what he gets up to in that soundproof booth he had built...with taxpayer money.

Pennsylvania Republicans, ordered by their state Supreme Court to redraw their cartoonishly-gerrymandered congressional map, submitted a slightly different cartoonishly-gerrymandered congressional map, and Governor Tom Wolf told them they could gerrymander their bullshit map straight up their asses all the way to the small intestine if they wanted, so now the Court will commission a non-partisan map.

And three of Cartoon Cowboy/Former Sheriff David Clarke's employees face charges over that little kerfuffle where they TORTURED A HUMAN BEING TO DEATH BY REFUSING HIM ACCESS TO WATER. I wonder if you put "Featured Speaker at Republican Convention" higher on your resume than "Dehydration Murderer?"

The Marmalade Shartcannon dropped his budget, and now that he's cut his own taxes by a billion dollars or so, there's just no money left for the chumps known collectively as "the American People." Massive cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security? Aw, you rubes didn't actually BELIEVE him when he promised he wouldn't do that, didja?

But the real highlight is Mick Mulvaney's plan to retool food stamps. The idea is to replace a chunk of the recipient's SNAP benefits with a box full of styrofoam peanuts, ketchup packets, and unsold Ivanka-branded bath products, y'know...for seasoning.

There's a certain type of Republican, cut from the Ryan/Mulvaney cloth, that lives their life in a state of perpetual rage that there are poor people in this country who get to spend any amount of time, however briefly, experiencing any emotion more pleasant than abject torment. There's a word for that, and that word is Sociopath.

At any rate, the idea of the government that can't get the fucking power back on in Puerto Rico opening up a nationwide food distribution service sure is...optimistic.

Meanwhile, the America Furst President filled 143 of 144 seasonal positions at three of his properties with foreign guest workers, because, and let me shout this to the cheap seats in the back, HE HOLDS WORKING CLASS AMERICAN CITIZENS IN DISDAIN.

So I guess we're supposed to give the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Ol' Beauregard, the benefit of the doubt on this whole "Anglo-American" thing. Ok, fine. I guess we'll just have to rely on the decades of well-documented open racism.

Again, this is the dude who was too racist for the 80's. Jeff Sessions has been a famous bigot longer than I've been a multi-celled organism.

Well, Tennessee Senator Bob Corker was all set to retire and enjoy the fruits of the last-minute kickback he finagled into the GOP tax bill, but word on street is he's considering un-retiring, as internal GOP polling shows ex-Governor Phil Bredesen defeating Trumpist Loon Marsha Blackburn in the general.

I'm told this entails a fair amount of groveling, and it couldn't happen to a nicer invertebrate. Well, it'd be fun watching him and Blackburn tear each other apart in a brutal primary, but one way or another, YOU should donate to Bredesen so we can take back the Senate, yes?

Hey, if there are any typos in tonight's post, it's because I'm still quaking with laughter over this Elle profile of Mrs. Mnuchbag herself, Louise Linton. The Bride of the Foreclosure King figured she could use a little image-rehabbin', but her interviewer (and my new hero), Carrie Battan, just gives her ample space for petard-hoistin' instead. My favorite bit is how she went out of her way to help a homeless man....'s dog.

Anyway, Mitch McConnell says the Senate has one week (and one Senate Week means Three Actual Human Days) to work out an immigration bill before he moves on to other business...presumably meaning the important work of naming post offices and confirming ghost hunters to lifetime federal judgeships. Seems fair.

Piers Morgan and Omarosa are feuding, I guess? Man, fuck that. I'm not linking that shit. You wanna read it, Google it your own damn self.

What's this, now? Michael "Sez Hoo" Cohen is falling on a sword for his Processed Cheese Boss? Mikey says HE paid Stormy Daniels that $130,000 payoff, out of his own pocket, for...reasons!

Well, shit, Mike. You sure put THAT little controversy to rest. Nice work!

Anyway, we flipped another ruby-red seat tonight, this time in Florida. Blue Wave! Woo! That seems like a good note to sign off on, so -

Oh hell, I almost forgot the biggest story of the day! Nay, year! Nay, dare I say...the millennium?

Yes, Sean Hannity's descent into gibbering madness is going just swimmingly, thanks for asking. He did a little tweeting about the SECRET SPERM in President Obama's freshly-unveiled official portrait, before retiring to the study to chew his own toes off.

Yes, Obama is HIDING SPOOJ IN HIS PAINTING, just one last desecration of America on his way out the door! I'll bet his Presidential library'll just be a brothel with no water fountains white people are allowed to use, right Sean?

For real, how far fucking gone do you have to be to see PHANTOM JIZZ in a painting? This is one of the media figures the fucking President of the United States listens to over his actual intelligence community, by the way. Sleep tight.

Jesus fuck. Ok, campers, I'm out for the night. But a special prize to the first reader who finds the seven hidden sperm cells in tonight's post!

Oh, and thank you, folks, for all the Valentine's Hearts! I love ya right back!

Pence Gets Pantsed While Rand Rants and Kelly in Konfounded

When I was a kid, Sunday nights meant curling up with the Simpsons and the X-Files (and Touched by an Angel, because I was dating a Baptist girl), but now I'm stuck wading through the weekend news, hoping nobody started WWIII. Less fun.

(Anyhow. As always, the post is available, with links, on my site: http://showercapblog.com/pence-gets-pantsed-rand-rants-kelly-konfounded/)

We're all just puttering around wondering how a dude credibly accused of domestic violence by two ex-wives (and thus denied a security clearance) was allowed to serve as one of the primary Shart House gatekeepers, literally choosing which information drifts across our Idiot Manchild President's gnat-like attention span as he makes life or death decisions for the entire world.

(One article even noted the Tangelo Tumor had developed a Pavlovian response to Rob Porter, whose presence in the Oval Office often signified a big stack of papers in need of signing, which meant he had to abandon his Bejeweled game no matter how far he'd gotten, and actually WORK for a bit, no fair!)

Reading the #MeToo moment like Malcolm Gladwell on a meth bender, Sharty McFly talked about what a "good job" the serial wife beater did, making sure to wish him well wheresoever his path may take him now that the entire world has seen photographic documentation of his handiwork.

General John Kelly is said to have fought hard to keep this scumfuck in his job, because whatever his shortcomings, Porter was one of the only available staffers with anything resembling the skills or qualifications to actually do his job.

Me, I'm old enough to remember when a President could fill his staff without leaning on violent criminals because, y'know, the best and the brightest actually wanted to work for him.

Thursday's press briefing was delayed numerous times, as Deputy Press Secretary Raj Shah chained himself to some piping in a supply closet, before being forcibly dragged into the press room to regurgitate the embarrassing-even-by-this-clusterfuck-administration's-standards spin on the Porter debacle.

You know you've got a shit sandwich when even Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't go near it.

Let's be honest, here. The official Drumpf Administration position is, "We knew about it, we gave less than one eighth of a fuck about it, but then she posted pictures of her black eye on the internet so we're all going to act shocked, but the truth is not only do we not care that we employed a domestic abuser, we're actually pissed off that you made us fire him."

Fuck, the only reason Kelly still holds the Chief of Staff post is WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT SUCH A SHIT JOB? The pay is pretty good, but it won't come close to covering the lawyers you'll inevitably need for being a lead accessory to such a massive criminal enterprise. Plus, your desk is right by the Oval, and I'm told you never get used to the reek of well-done steak farts.

Oh, and Porter isn't even the only staffer to resign in the face of domestic violence accusations. This week. Helluva team they've assembled, ain't it?

Hey, speaking of the Best People, I see a prominent Shartboy backer in Kentucky pled guilty to several charges of human trafficking. HUMAN TRAFFICKING, in some cases, of minors. The Roy Moore wing of the Republican Party is larger than we thought.

Speaking of which, it seems Blake Farenthold is skulking around, hoping nobody notices that he hasn't yet paid taxpayers back for that $84,000 sexual harassment settlement. In CongressPerv Farenthold's defense, that would rip a near-fatal hole in his pajama budget.

If you need a little good news, take heart in knowing that Richard Spencer is being sued over his role in the Dickless White Boy Parade in Charlottesville, but he cannot find a lawyer to represent him, because he is a fascist shitbag who nobody likes.

Hey, what's the Vice President been up to? Mikey Hairshirt spends so much time under the radar, you'd think he's some sort of experimental drone and not a hate-filled, pea-brained, faux Christian bigot hoping he can just blend in with the drapes until his boss goes down in flames and he can slide in like a slicker, dumber, Gerald Ford.

Well, Pence got nailed on that particular point, HARD. Journalist Ashley Parker stood right in front of the fucker and asked "Hey, you're the Vice President of the United Fucking States of America, how come you never seem to know shit about shit?" and Mike tried some lame-ass spin but you could see in his eyes that he knew he would never again retrieve his balls, and it was funnier than Ben Stiller's entire career.

And yeah, #2 went to the Olympics and, in protest, refused to stand for the Korean team's entrance, because irony is stone cold dead.

So I guess the government shut down for an hour or two because Rand Paul figured it'd been way too long since one of his patented Masturbatory Shoutfests? Oh, Rand. You're surely the last to adjust to the speed of the modern news cycle. Three days later, literally no one cares. Even I almost forget to write this paragraph in my stupid little poop joke blog.

Anyway. Yes, the Winter Olympics are here, a time to celebrate the international spirit of camaraderie and competition, primarily via the medium of doctoring curling videos to insert cats. Or, if you happen to be a high-ranking Fux Nooz honcho, it's a chance to indulge in some holy-shit-that's-racist-even-for-you-bastards thinkpiecery about the injustice that non-white and LGBT athletes are allowed to represent America instead of toiling in forced labor camps or something.

Steve Bannon crawled out of the gin still he's been sleeping in since Breitbart canned him juuuuust long to express his existential terror that "the Womenfolk are coming to destroy the Patriarchy and there simply won't be enough shirts to wear to serve as armor thick enough to protect me from their wrath and holy shit I'm gonna wind up hanging upside down in a gas station, aren't I?"

The stock market experienced another 1,000-point drop Thursday, even after the Poo Mistake shot the mightiest arrow in his quiver...yelling at it in a Tweet.

Odd that the great dealmaker's tantrum didn't do the trick...I'm starting to wonder if maybe the dude who inherited daddy's money, went through multiple bankruptcies, established himself as so untrustworthy that no one would lend him money or go into business with him, and wound up laundering Russian oligarch dough in a last desperate bid to dig himself out of ruin maybe doesn't know as much about the economy as he wants us to think.

Nothing, not even a third scoop of ice cream, makes our President happier than when an undocumented immigrant commits a crime. Back in November, the Candycorn Skidmark used a Border Patrol Agent's death to engage in a hearty round of the racist fear-mongering he so enjoys. And the entire GOP giddily followed his lead.

Well, it turns out in the Agent in question wasn't murdered at all, by an immigrant or anyone else. Looks like the poor guy was just injured in a fall. Upon learning this, the President, Ted Cruz, and Fox News all issued prompt retractions, complete with soul-searching apologies at having so thoughtlessly stoked the tragic fires of racial hatred without waiting for the facts to come in.

Just kidding, they're all currently engaged in a scheme to hold DREAMers hostage to their Klansman's Wet Dream immigration bill, and they wouldn't want to correct any misinformation that riles up their shitty base, certainly not in an election year!

So I guess that Omarosa lady, the Former White House Director of...Being That Omarosa Lady, Or Something went directly onto a reality TV show upon leaving the highest echelons of executive branch power, because that's just how life is now.

Anyway, on "Celebrity Big Brother," (Ssssssssssssssssigh) she rocked America, and indeed the world, by revealing her insider's account of life in the Drumpf White House as "so bad." And then the deputy press secretary said it was the fourth time "we" fired her because the President views his administration as a continuation of his reality show and if that doesn't have you shrieking in terror, I don't know what will because that is some FUCKED UP SHIT right there.

The Washington Post reports the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits doesn't read the daily intelligence briefing that Americans literally risk their lives for, day in and day out, because reading is boring and hard and, let's be honest, because HE DOESN'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHETHER ANY OF US LIVE OR DIE.

Seriously, this sad, needy, broken old man is only in this thing for grift and the periodic applause of his dwindling army of Hateyokels. The security of the United States of America and her citizens? "You handle that, Mad Dog, I haven't golfed in like, three whole days."

Rachel Brand, the 3rd-ranking official at the Department of Justice, will be stepping down from her post, the kind of job people work a lifetime to attain, after just nine months. Rather than hanging around waiting for the Velveeta Vulgarian to fire Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, thus relocating her life to the geographic center of a constitutional crisis, she will be taking a job with Wal-Mart.

My sources tell me that during interview, Brand offered to serve as "a fucking door greeter in Boise, just get me the fuck out of here!"

As expected, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting blocked the release of Adam Schiff's "Jesus Fuck, Are You Kidding Me, Devin?" counter-memo, because like all bullies, he is a coward at heart.

...also because what passes for his "master plan" is destroying the public's trust in law enforcement so that when the bill for his life of crime finally comes due, the racist old ladies in the Bible Belt who get their news from Alex Jones and chain e-mails will rise up as one and break his corrupt ass out of federal prison.

Hey, I didn't say it was a GOOD master plan.

Virginia Senator/Affable Dad Tim Kaine "is demanding the release of a secret memo outlining President Donald Trump’s interpretation of his legal authority to wage war," and HOLY SHIT THERE'S A SECRET DRUMPF WAR MEMO? HOW MANY FUCKING MEMOS ARE THERE? WHY ARE WE RUNNING THE GOVERNMENT VIA A HANDFUL OF MALICIOUS ASSHOLES SCRIBBLING DOWN MEMOS, PROBABLY IN CRAYON? WE'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE.

And now Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes has his own personal fake news outlet? Fucking of course he does. He probably prints out a weekly newsletter, on his mom's computer, with headlines like "Nunes scores the winning touchdown! Again!" and slips copies under all his colleagues' doors.

Oh, and he wants to Build a Wall (trademark, the Drumpf Organization!) in the House Intelligence Committee's secure areas, because he doesn't want any dirty Democrats copying off his memos in the future.

...Devin isn't going to do so well in jail, I fear.

Aaaaaaaand Il Douche is looking at privatizing the International Space Station? Has somebody explained to him that this isn't his personal property, and that he won't be able to slap his shitty name on it in big gold letters and rent it out to oligarchs and porn stars?

I can't handle this shit anymore, friends. It's the motherfucking weekend. I should be blitzed on High Life, halfway through the LANCELOT LINK: SECRET CHIMP marathon on the Gorilla Channel by now. Fuck this shit.

76 Fascists Led the Big Parade! With 110 Klansmen Close at Hand! (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Friends, I know the news batters us relentlessly these days, like a tornado in a hammer factory, but things aren't all bad! Why, Senator Angus King has successfully procured the lobster emoji his home state of Maine has long desired! WE'RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT!

(As always, the post is available on my lil' site, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/76-fascists-led-big-parade-110-klansmen-close-hand/)

First of all, let me offer my deepest condolences to everyone who viewed the video of our President's horrid otherworldly scalp, rippling in the wind, looking like somebody grafted the Crypt Keeper's ass to his skull.

I've never seen human flesh look quite so unsettling. Like, the dude who had Voldemort living on the back of his head took one look at that shit and threw up in his mouth.

Congratulate Steve Bannon, everyone! He has a date! With Robert Mueller! Put on your three fanciest shirts, and shine up all your facial sores, Steve! For the first time since your ritual excommunication, somebody actually wants to talk to ya!

Adam Schiff's "Your Memo is Shit, Devin, and You Are Also Shit" memo has been sent to Drumpf for review and possible release. However, at eleven cruelly-pictureless pages, Schiff's document has apparently pushed our Commander-in-Chief to the very limits of his intellect and endurance, so let us come together as one nation and pray his brain doesn't catch fire under the strain.

...or that it does. That's between you and God.

The Least Surprising Study in All Human History revealed that the drooling maniacs of the right wing are a whole bunch more likely to spread fake news around and also probably to shoot up pizza restaurants did anybody think to ask that one?

I'd take a victory lap, but if anybody decides to poke around the phenomenon of Think Pieces About Why You're a Bad Person For Enjoying This Movie/Book/TV Show/Ice Cream Sandwich, the results will be less favorable to my tribe, I fear.

While most Americans see videos of ten-cent third world dictators puffing out their chests as tanks and goose-stepping soldiers march by, and think "Thank God I live I free society," Donald J. Trump (The "J" stands for "Jealous of Kim Jong-un" watches like a spoiled child who just saw a neighbor kid ride around the block on a brand new bike.

Yes, Orange Julius Caesar, perhaps hoping all those missiles and uniforms and warplanes will be enough to inspire one final erection before his dusty, syphilitic, penis finally crumbles to dust, has demanded a Big Stupid Parade, which would cost the American taxpayer millions.

I for one believe it's time to reign in the President's Instant Gratification Allowance. Everybody focuses on the millions pissed away on golf trips, but don't forget he also doubled the ice-cream budget!

And I guess the brass are gonna give the Candycorn Skidmark what he wants. And you know his wish list is gonna get out of control on this thing. Hopefully Mattis puts his foot down when it comes to throwing student protestors in front of the tanks.

Maybe Sheriff Dave will loan Donnie his uniform, if he promises not to spill ketchup on it. Just a heads up, it'll be considered totally treasonous not to applaud during the parade, and whoever stops clapping first gets sent to the gulag.

Steve Wynn resigned from his hotel company now that everyone knows what an abusive creep he is. The Republican Party, despite spending considerable time and effort painting Harvey Weinstein as the intellectual and spiritual center of the entire American left plus he also probably shot Lincoln, wants you to know that they will be keeping the millions of dollars in Wynn donations, thank you very much.

And yes, they'll just keep moving the goalposts as their stated conditions are met. By June, Ronna Romney (You can't hide, not on THIS blog) McDaniel will be saying "Believe me, as soon as Jesus rises from the grave to personally deliver God's infallible Word carved in flaming letters on a stone tablet declaring that Wynn is indeed guilty, we will agree to just spend Steve's money on office supplies."

So, a couple days (years?) back, President Shartcannon told a hilarious joke where Democrats refusing to applaud for him were committing treason ha ha ha I AM THE STATE ho ho hee hee. Now, you might think it'd take about half a thimbleful of Love of Country for any American to condemn such despicable, offhanded, fascism, but damn if Republicans don't consistently find fresh new ways to disappoint and horrify us.

So meet Claudia Tenney, from the New York 22nd! CongressGoon Tenney says treason might be a wee bit strong, but refusing to fête the pussygrabbing white supremacist grifter doing everything in his power to turn the nation against the press and the FBI is most certainly un-American.

Senator Tammy Duckworth's reaction was...a little more patriotic and whole lot more badass. Plus, in midst of her most righteous sermon, she coined "Cadet Bone Spurs," which frankly gives me a bit of nickname envy.

And it turns out Dorito Mussolini is already fantasizing about another government shutdown, this time threatening to cost the American taxpayer a few petulantly-wasted billions unless Democrats rework immigration law to read like erotica targeted directly at Stephen Miller.

General John Kelly, no longer willing to bother with dog whistles, picked up the dog tuba to label some DACA-eligible immigrants "lazy", even as his immediate supervisor refuses to show up to work before eleven, and rushes away to golf the very moment his handlers disable the shock collar they use to keep him in the Oval Office.

Another gigantic special election upset, this time in Missouri, where Mike Revis won a state seat in a district the Shart carried with 61% of the vote last fall. Just like in Alabama and Virginia, we came to chew bubblegum and win special elections, and we're all out of bubblegum. But there's a store down the street where you can get all the fucking gum you want, so basically fuck you we win at everything.

Senator Ron Johnson (R-Wackyland), having learned nothing from his "Secret Society" humiliation, once again proclaimed he'd uncovered the smoking gun proving the FBI's anti-Drumpf corruption once and for all, only to be rapidly revealed as...well, as a guy with the brain of Ron Johnson.

And of course the whole right wing, all the way up to Government Cheese Goebbels himself, breathlessly promoted their feeble talking point, which, to be clear, was that President Obama, upon learning of Russian interference in America's election...wanted to be briefed on the matter.

Are these loons truly so far gone that they actually believe it's scandalous for the President to seek information from the nation's intelligence community, rather than from cable news hosts?

Silly question. Of course they are.

Angry at the stock market for making him look bad, Circus Peanut Sydney Greensteet wandered out onto the White House lawn, with his bathrobe open, and...yelled at it. Demented old fuck just rage-tweeted at the goddamn stock market. No fucking way he passed that cognitive test without Mike Pence standing behind the doctor, mouthing the answers.

See where Scott Pruitt said climate change got a bad rap, and would actually turn out to be a really awesome thing for humanity? "Crop-destroying droughts will help America face its obesity epidemic," grinned Scotty 2 Haughty, "And just think of all the working-class families in our coastal communities who never thought they'd be able to afford a pool!"

Rex Tillerson says Russia has every intention of fucking with our midterm elections, but also that we basically have to sit back and take it, because "once they decided they're going to do it, it's very difficult to pre-empt it," and isn't it inspiring as fuck to see our Secretary of State respond to an assault from a diminishing, second-rate, world power with a shrug and a "whaddya gonna do?"

Rick Gates' lawyers want a divorce from Rick Gates, and we aren't allowed to know quite why because shit is all attorney-client privileged and whatnot, but they seem to be citing creative differences, and want to break away to form their own group, maybe do a little bit of prog-influenced art rock, but without the treason Rick always insisted on.

Nancy Pelosi took to the House floor for an epic 8 hour, 7 minute speech advocating for DREAMers and DACA. The length of the former Speaker's heels factors into every story I've read on the topic, and will only grow with legend. "Pelosi stood atop 6-foot-tall, serrated, iron stilts for three days," we'll tell our grandchildren.

Well, if Pelosi can hold the floor for eight hours, surely the least you and I can do is contact our our Congressthings and demand legal protections for DREAMers, don'tcha think?

Oh, this is fun! The cybersecurity head over at DHS says Russian hackers not only targeted voter databases in 21 states, but actually succeeded in penetrating a few! You read shit like that, and then you remember that the executive branch JUST refused to enforce sanctions on Russia...

...and then you just fuckin' DRINK, right? That's what I'm doing. Jesus.

General Kelly's West Wingman, some dude named Rob Porter, resigned today. Why? Because his two ex-wives came forward with stories of his lengthy history of physical abuse, complete with horrifying photographic evidence.

Oh, and it turns out the entire Shart House knew about the abuse, since it turned up in his FBI background check, preventing him from gaining a security clearance. But Kelly and co (and let's not forget the not-so-good General whimsically reflecting on the sacredness of women not so long ago) decided they weren't going to let a silly thing like beating up women get in the way!

And so we were treated to testimonials about Porter's CHARACTER, from Kelly, from Sarah Sanders, from Visibly Decomposing Retiree Orrin Hatch. We even learned that he's been dating Shartboy's shadow, Hope Hicks, who helped craft the White Houses's aw-shucks-he's-a-real-good-guy-even-if-he-beats-up-women response.

...I'm starting to think these folks aren't reliable judges of character, is all I'm sayin'.

And shit, as I was writing this post, I came across this lil' tale, of one of Cowboy Ryan Zinke's underlings at Interior, getting the department to pay 32 g's to upgrade a government-owned building so he could Airbnb it? Fucking of COURSE that happened. Of COURSE it did.

This is TWO DAYS worth of news, folks. TWO DAYS.

In Which Cap Rewrites the Greatest American Hero Theme Song to be About Devin Nunes Fucking Pigs

The weekend was relatively quiet, so you sort of expected the calm wouldn't last. It didn't.

So open a bag of new Crunchless Doritos For Her, pour yourself a glass of Hush, the Menfolk Are Talking brand boxed wine, and strap yourself in for the Monday Nite Madness Update. (Available, as always, with links, here: http://showercapblog.com/cap-rewrites-greatest-american-hero-theme-song-devin-nunes-fucking-pig/)

Paul Ryan demands your praise, peasants! The wealthy have, for the time being, unlocked the dumpsters behind their mansions, and you may eat of their refuse!

Ryan, that working class hero, trumpeted the tale of some barely-human wage slave, whose Paul-Ryan-gifted buck-fifty-per-week salary increase would cover her FUCKING COSTCO MEMBERSHIP with e'en enough riches leftover to purchase ketchup packets to flavor the children's lunchtime bowls of warm water, if only on special occasions. SHOW YOUR OVERLORDS YOUR GRATITUDE, SERFS!

And vast stretches of land in what was recently the Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monuments are now open to mining claims, because natural beauty is, as we have established, for CUCKS. Anyway, if anybody wants to team up with me, I'm thinkin' of heading out west to mark my Unobtanium claim. I promise not to go all Fred C. Dobbs on ya.*

Hey, the forces of sanity actually chalked up a couple of wins, for a change! K.T. McFarland, having apparently read up on the legal consequences of lying under oath, withdrew her nomination for Ambassador to Singapore!

Also, Lunatic Hates-Science-So-Much-She-Still-Holds-a-Grudge-Against-Galileo Fanatic Kathleen Hartnett White won't be heading up the Council on Environmental Quality, because apparently there's actually a line too low for even THIS administration to cross, which I confess surprises me.

...now if we can just navigate the next thousand miles of this minefield of madness...

Wait, what? An authentic, Holocaust-denying ACTUAL NAZI will be the Republican Party's candidate for a U.S. Congressional seat? Lord. And that isn't even the only story involving Holocaust denial and Congress in the last week.

So much for sanity.

Team Fiscal Conservatism decided that giving their oligarch donor class a fat fuckin' tax cut was so important it was worth a massive increase in federal borrowing, so we'll be passing the collection plate around to the tune of almost a trillion bucks this year.

It's just the darndest thing, how Republicans bitch and moan about deficits whenever Democrats try to, y'know, improve people's lives, but all that concern evaporates like a fart on the wind when Charley Koch decides he wants to gold-plate his small intestine.

There was a big football game Sunday evening, or as viewed by the Candycorn Skidmark and his Jagoff Support Squad, one last opportunity this season to stoke his shitty white jag base's racial resentments!

I'm not really a football guy, but I guess the team with the biggest Trumpsters lost, and several members of the victorious Eagles are already saying "FUCK no I'm not going to the Shart House, I don't wanna get ketchup and experimental hair tonic on my good shoes," and Jake Tapper seemed pleased, so the ending seems happy enough to me.

Of course, celebrations in Philadelphia turned violent and destructive, with widespread property damage prompting a swift and merciless response from militarized law enforcement, who turned out in riot gear, assaulting the crowd with rubber bullets and tear gas.

HAHAHAHAH DON'T BE SILLY THESE WERE WHITE PEOPLE THROWING A PARTY OVER A SPORTING EVENT NOT BLACK PEOPLE SUGGESTING THEIR LIVES MATTER HA HA HA.

Pennsylvania Republicans asked Justice Samuel Alito to please-o-please let them keep their meticulously gerrymandered congressional districts so that they don't have to actually be accountable to their voters, but Alito said "Broseph, this is so corrupt even I can't give you any cover," and thus Pennsylvania Republicans became sad.

Of course the Penn GOP is screeching about seeking further judicial remedies. Now, I know Republicans don't understand the Constitution, but don't any of them even bother to read it anymore? What do these dopes think comes after SCOTUS? You can't just set up a kangaroo court in Sean Hannity's basement, y'know.

Oh, but now they're trying to get the Pennsylvania Supreme Court judges who ruled in the first place impeached. This is the modern Republican way; when the rule of law asserts itself, destroy the enforcers.

Mick Mulvaney quietly smothered the investigation into the Equifax data breach, because why should the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau do anything silly like protect consumers?

...

Well, I put it off as long as I could, but there's no avoiding it, I guess. But I just don't WANNA. It's just so dumb and grating and...

...Fine. Everybody turn Metal Machine Music up full blast and let's talk about Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes and his pigfucking goddamn MEMO.

The memo itself remains ridiculous, an unsubstantiated talk radio wet dream debunked immediately upon landing. Fuck, even Gowdy Doody says it does fuckall to undercut the Russia investigation. So far from it, in fact, that it OPENLY CONFESSES the whole thing got rolling when that dumbshit Papadopolous kid couldn't handle his Foster's.

But anybody who still thinks silly little things like "facts" or "the truth" matter to right anymore must've missed everything that's happened over the last decade, from Birtherism to Benghazi to Pizzagate. Devin coulda released his (curiously pork-rind-heavy) grocery list, and Lou Dobbs would still dutifully declare it to be irrefutable proof of FBI corruption so deep their headquarters should be put to the torch with the whole staff inside.

The Marmalade Shartcannon himself wasted no time proclaiming himself Completely Vindicated Plus Salma Hayek Will Totally Date Me Now.

Shart, Jr. agreed with Daddy, declaring the memo to be "sweet revenge," apparently believing Devin's little stunt has taken care of the Russia problem once and for all, leaving a flustered Robert Mueller clutching the MEMO and shouting "NUUUUUUUUUNEEEEEEES" into the unforgiving night sky.

...nobody tell him, ok? It'll be more fun if it's a surprise.

And Nunes himself, wild-eyed with lard dripping from the corners of his mouth, promised further memos, memos upon memos, memos as far as the eye can see, a memo in every pot, memos enough to bury the truth and the law and that pesky United States Constitution forever.

Perhaps worried that there might be somebody somewhere on Earth who takes him seriously, Devin, drunk on bacon grease and his own misperceived might, floated the idea that Shart Carney prolly never even MET that insignificant Papaderpaderp kid, forgetting the little detail about that one photograph. You know, the one the ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD has seen.

The hits kept on coming for the Ham Hammer, who had initially claimed that the FBI deviously hid the Steele Dossier's origin as opposition research from the FISA court, only to be forced to backpedal because...he was totally making that shit up.

Still, President Crotchvoid thanked his faithful stooge, proclaiming him a "great American hero," to which I say...

Why not the GREATEST AMERICAN HERO!?!? CUE THE MUSIC:

Believe it or not, I'm FUCKING A PIG!
I never thought I could feel such glee-ee-eeeee!
Grinding away on a sow in a wig!
Who could it be?
Dry-humping that pig? It's just meeeeeeeee!

This seems like as good a time as any to remind everyone that all the memo hullabaloo hinges on the idea that there was something untoward about the warrant issued to surveil CARTER FUCKING PAGE, of all people. Yeah, the same CARTER FUCKING PAGE who likes to brag about his Kremlin ties.

Anyhow, the House Intel Committee voted to release Adam Schiff's counter-memo, kicking it over to the White House for a thumbs up or down. That decision should be...interesting.

Oh hey, the President of the United States of America offhandedly suggested that opposition party members refusing to bestow sufficiently enthusiastic praise upon his dishonest, drone-y speech amounts to "treason," that's fun! Not in a "Pizza Party Where Your Mom Gives You a Roll of Quarters to Play the X-Men Arcade Game way, but in more of a Wow That's the Sort of Thing Stalin Would Say sort of way!

Anyhow, while Donnie Dotard was busy rambling about his greatness, the Dow Jones tanked like a Trump University grad in a job interview, losing 1175 points, the biggest single-day point decline in history. Having spent months petulantly demanding credit for every new stock market increase, Shartboy was...curiously silent today.

Dang it. Michelle Bachmann won't be running for a Minnesota Senate seat, because God didn't speak to her through How I Met Your Mother reruns like he usually does. Yo, GOD? Do you really begrudge us our fun? After more than a year of getting pummeled by this shitstorm, don't we deserve the simple joy of watching this psychopath faceplant one last time?

Breaking late from the Failing New York Times is the tale of Government Cheese Goebbels' lawyers urging their client to refuse to sit for an interview with the Mueller investigation for the simple reason that he lies the way most people blink, and lying to federal investigators is a crime.

Heh. "Your honor, my client cannot testify because he will certainly perjure himself if he does." Good luck with that strategy, gents.

Ok, friends. I'm signing off before any more news about the fucking MEMO can break. Be good to yourselves out there.

*When a dude in a superhero mask pledges to maintain mental composure in a prospecting environment...y'know, caveat emptor.

Memo Williams: The Adventure Begins (Ferret/ShowerCap)

I don't know how much more of this shit I can take, Resisters. I ate my therapy peacock three hours ago and now I'm picking my teeth with her last tail feather.

"Oh, it can't be that bad, Cap. You're exaggerating, Cap. Let's poke around a bit, it'll calm you down." (And feel free to poke around on Cap's site, with links: http://showercapblog.com/memo-williams-adventure-begins/)

What's this? The nomination of widely-respected North Korea expert Victor Cha as Ambassador to South Korea was withdrawn because Cha is a CUCK who isn't down with the idea of launching a preemptive strike on the nuclear-armed nutjobs in the Kim Jong-un regime?

"Never mind, Cap. This does indeed seem to be flaming batshit dropping from a colony of bats that are also on fire. Carry on."

Let's see. I last checked in on Monday night, right when the House Intelligence Committee voted to release Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes' famous memo on how to extract maximum sexual gratification from the act of copulating with a pig. Or maybe it was about the FBI or something, I don't always pay super-close attention to these things.

Anyhow. By Tuesday, Speaker Ryan was casually chatting about "cleansing" the FBI, which, in this zany new world where we nervously monitor our government for signs of fascism, lands closer to "This is your doctor, you need to get back to me right away" than "Let's go to Build-A-Bear Workshop" on the Comforting Things to Hear Scale.

I see Mike Pompeo invited some Russian spymasters, one of whom is supposed to be a sanctions target, (Remember when laws mattered? Those were fun times.) over, probably to ask if they needed any help interfering in our midterms. I'm sure they availed themselves of the generous Classified Intelligence Buffet during their visit.

Speaking of Russia, Treasury was supposed to compile a list of Russian officials and oligarchs tied to the Putin regime, to be considered for potential sanctioning. Instead, because everyone in this entire fucking administration seems to have a religious objection to ever working at all, they just copied a Rich Russian Folks list from FORBES FUCKING MAGAZINE.

...I suppose we should be grateful they didn't just copy and paste from the James Bond Wiki.

So, somebody dug up an old recording of Scott Pruitt saying "Donald Trump would wipe his ass with the Constitution and then miss the bowl and just leave the shit-covered Constitution there in the corner to get pissed on all day and then the night shift guy would have to pick it up."

Confronted with the old quote, Pruitt became glassy-eyed, intoning, "Donald Trump is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life," because ass-kissing is the currency of choice in the halls of power these days.

A Missouri GOP Senate candidate got caught espousing the sort of ideals regarding women's rights that would place him deep in the regressive right wing of any Cro-Magnon cave. ("Him like Neanderthal Tom Cotton," said Trurg, a community member who spends his days trying to beat fish to death with a club, "Me no like."

No, I'm not repeating myself. This is a DIFFERENT Missouri GOP Senate candidate. It's like Claire McCaskill has been seeding her Show-Me State rivals with damaged clones grown from Todd Akin's back hair.

And yeah, the State of the Union speech happened. Orange Julius Caesar lied a whole bunch, said a bunch of hateful ignorant shit, and then demanded to be hailed as some sort of historic unifying figure.

Mostly he was just boring. He ran out of steam pretty quickly, because the strain of, y'know, READING ALOUD FOR AN HOUR was just too much for a sloppy old man up way past his bedtime, especially when the hair-tonic-derived hallucinations started kicking in.

Of course he claimed it was the most-watched State of the Union of all time, and of course it wasn't. But it WAS the squintiest and the droniest, so congratulations, You Shouty Colon Tumor, You.

Republicans seem to believe they've hit some sort of political goldmine in the Congressional Black Caucus refusing to stand and clap for Boss Shart's horseshit line about black unemployment, (you've seen the fact-checking by now, I assume) like African-American voters are gonna find themselves inside the voting booth going, "Well, there's Trump's decades-long history of unapologetic racism, including his refusal to condemn white supremacists RIGHT AFTER ONE OF THEM COMMITTED AN ACT OF TERRORISM...but John Lewis didn't clap that one time, so MAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

And Sarah Huckabee Sanders thinks Nancy Pelosi should smile more. "Grimacing is MY thing, Nancy! If you start condescendingly lying to cover up for a cheap authoritarian goon's assaults American democracy, I'm getting a copyright lawyer," growled the Discourteous SHS.

Oh, and one of Shartboy's most dedicated congressional henchmen brought an actual Holocaust denier as his official guest, after appearing on InfoWars a few days back. The future of the GOP is...clear, if not quite bright.

But that Kennedy kid gave a nice little speech, didn't he? I liked the way he painted the Democrat Party as the Not Evil One.

Wandering through the Meth Country Wonderland we call "the news," we find the head of the CDC had to resign...because she bought stock in a tobacco company while heading an agency dedicated to public health. It's these little world-building details that make life under Dolt45 so authentically horrifying.

Let's check in with Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. What've you got for us tonight, Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Hmmmmmm...well, I suppose we could talk about the "reverse abortion" thing.

Cap: Wh-what?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh, didn't you hear about that one? The Office of Refugee Resettlement official who tried to force a totally unproven "abortion reversing" treatment on an undocumented teen in custody?

Cap: Bill, I don't think I can -

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: The teen was a rape victim, did I mention that?

Cap: JESUS. BILL.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: These are the people running the country, Cap. Trying to conduct medical experiments on teenage rape victims. And all in the name of God, no doubt.

Cap: Alright Bill, we're going to get back to the merely-terrifying news. I'm sure we'll see you sooner than we'd like.

Remember when the Pennsylvania Supreme Court told the GOP they had to redraw their ridiculously-gerrymandered congressional district map? Well, the President Pro Tempore of the Pennsylvania Senate, apparently a graduate of the Roy Moore School of Law & Milkshake Shack, said "You can shove your constitutional checks and balances where the light of justice don't shine!" before locking himself in his office, crafting a makeshift suit of armor from tinfoil and Amazon delivery boxes, topped with a Steelers helmet he bought as a gift but decided to keep, and screaming "I AM THE ONLY LAW!"

Foreign Policy tells us the Shart House dispatched Kellyanne Conway of all people to mop up the "shithole countries" fallout with a group of ambassadors from African nations. Kellyanne helpfully offered an Alternative Fact where her boss referred to their nations not as "shitholes" but "cherished allies, desirable tourist destinations, and who knows perhaps even future golf course locations?"

...I suppose better Conway than Stephen Miller.

Looks like we won't have Gowdy Doody to kick around anymore. Yes, Trey, who has grown listless since his plan to spend four years nipping at President Hillary Clinton's heels fell apart, will retire at the end of his term. Aides say he's taken to spending entire afternoons absentmindedly flipping through notebooks full of disingenuous Benghazi remarks he'd brainstormed, enough to last all the way through 2020.

Seriously though, Gowdy has apparently grown tired of increasingly negative partisan politics, a phenomenon he's had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with*.

Alright, I guess I have to talk about the MEMO now. For like, 72 paragraphs. Devin Nunes, you have ruined my whole fucking night.

Where to start?

Once upon a time, there was a Pigfucker. Named Devin. Devin lived in a magical realm called Up Donald Trump's Ass. Pigfucker Devin would do anything to protect his homeland, anything at all. The trouble is, Devin was, in addition to being a Fucker of Pigs, also a Man With the Intelligence of a Melon Baller.

Devin woke in a fever one night, overcome with inspiration, and said aloud "I shall write a memo. A Memo! Yes, a Memo for the Ages!" He was so pleased with himself that he jostled awake the Red Wattle hog he picked up at the bar by the butcher shop, and fucked it again.

"The Memo can say whatever I like," reasoned Devin. "I'll say there's a massive deep-state conspiracy against the President, that there's nothing to the Russia investigation at all, and Bob Mueller's acting out of jealousy because he can't figure out how to tie his neckties that long!"

"And the best part is, no one will DARE contradict me, because I'm the one with the MEMO!"

...not the brightest lad, our Devin.

Needless to say, like a heist film scripted by a mudskipper, Devin's plan has encountered some obstacles. Adam Schiff drafted his own counter-memo. FBI Director Christopher Wray has threatened a rebuttal of his own, perhaps also in Memo form, if he feels like keeping with the prevailing conventions.

Nunes responded by doctoring his Memo without resubmitting it to his Congressional Committee, which is really quite illegal, but that feels nitpicky here, doesn't it? And the White House kicked it back to Devin and his lackeys, who will probably dump it out with the rest of the Friday news garbage, because suddenly folks're starting to realize that Devin has a half-chewed wad of cud for a brain, and they're not looking at a smoking gun, but rather a mostly-eaten animal cracker which kinda sorta looks like a gun if you hold it just right.

It's like the Butter Battle Book, only with Memos.

But the Candycorn Skidmark clings to the hope that he's finally found his get-out-of-jail-free card, because he's apparently been getting advice from Sean Freakin' Hannity. Splendid.

I suppose I should mention that FBI Agent Peter Strzok, the dude whose text messages are supposed to prove this whole Deep State Conspiracy Against All Things Spray-Tanned and Perpetually Golfing theory, actually co-wrote the first draft of the letter James Comey would eventually use to FUCK UP THE ENTIRE GODDAMN PLANET, THANKS FOR THAT, JIMBO, about reopening the Clinton server investigation because of ANTHONY WEINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOD I CAN'T EVEN TYPE HIS FUCKING NAME WITHOUT FLYING INTO A RAGE.

I keep pinching myself, but no, this is still real life. Goddammit.

Ok, I need something to cheer myself up. Ooooooo, this'll do:

Has allegedly untouchable Drumpf shadow Hope Hicks finally stepped in a bear trap? Could be, could be. Former Team Shart legal spokesman Mark Corallo allegedly plans to tell The Bobadook that young Hope got in on some of that hot justice-obstructin' action in the heady days of desperately-trying-to-craft-a-plausible-lie-about-Junior's-Trump-Tower-meeting-with-the-Russkies.

Because we can't escape the Lovecraftian horror of 21st Century America even in comedy, Jimmy Kimmel scrapped the bottom of the MAGA outhouse to bring some genuinely horrible humans** to belch up their ignorant hatred all over a DREAMer. Stop telling me I have an obligation to reach out to, or empathize with, people who're this warped with rage. We all get one life. These folks got it wrong. Fuck 'em.

Oh hey, you remember back when Shart Garfunkel's Labor Department said, "Y'know what would make America splendiferoulsy Great Again? If restaurant owners could steal tips from servers!" Well, it turns out they actively suppressed a study that said hard working servers would lose billions to their employers who would shockingly take advantage of being allowed to steal tips by stealing tips.

The ethics crew over at HUD tapped Dr. Ben Carson on the shoulder to say "Hey, you should maybe stop letting your son tag along on all this official business, it looks kinda grifty, y'know," and Carson patted them on the head and said, "Ethics, how quaint. I think I shall use your offices to store grain."

At the GOP retreat today, President Crotchvoid thanked Orrin Hatch for talking about how much better than Lincoln and Washington he is, and we all got embarrassment shivers observing the symbiotic relationship between the Sycophant and the Guy Who Constantly Radiates "Daddy Never Loved Me Please Fill the Void in My Rusted-Over Soul."

Oh, and That Guy Who Was Manafort's Sidekick or Something and Got Indicted at the Same Time and Probably Has a Name of His Own But I Don't Give a Fuck? His legal team up and quit but their reasons for doing so are sealed and everybody thinks he's got a new team working out a deal with Mueller because he doesn't want to die in jail or something. Fun!

Ok, I'm out for the night...I've got a...MEMO to work on...

*HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAH. Hoo.

** Well. Human-shaped, at any rate.

THE STATE OF THE UNIOM IS THE UNIOM IS FUCKED! (ShowerCap/Ferret)

Well, looks like Tom Hanks will be playing Mr. Rogers in a forthcoming biopic, and if that isn't the most heartwarming thing I've heard in months, I don't know what is.

Cling to that image, of Tom Hanks warmly intoning, "Won't you be my neighbor?" because the rest of today's news is like a sewage line exploded in a haunted house. One of those psychologically-scarring "Christian" haunted houses you read about.

Today was seriously fucked up, is what I'm saying. Put on a helmet before you read the rest of this blog. Which you can find, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-state-of-the-uniom-is-the-uniom-is-fucked/

I guess everybody's mad now that we need to pay $24 million to replace the refrigerators on Air Force One, but hey, this one honestly isn't Shartboy's fault, the plane needs to be equipped for extreme emergency contingencies, and trust me, by the end of this blog you'll have way too much other shit occupying your emotional bandwidth to care about a fucking fridge.

Ross Douthat penned a little column over the weekend, with the Stephen Kingworthy title "The Necessity of Stephen Miller." The idea is, since Miller channels the sputtering, impotent, rage of the Very Fine People, he really deserves to be at the table during immigration talks, acting like backing off his proposal to make cross-burning materials tax-deductible counts as a major concession to the left.

Ross the Reasonable Racist is one of those gloriously clueless "rational" Republicans who acts like he doesn't understand where Tangerine Idi Amin came from, and lives in denial of his personal role in shaping the American Right into the hate-belching rube army that chose a pussy-grabbing charlatan over Jeb(!) Bush.

Lemme help you out, Ross. Just because there are truly distressingly large numbers of bigoted shitbags in this country doesn't mean we should legitimize their bigotry. It's like saying, "Well, there are a whole bunch of creationists, they really should have a seat at the table when we're writing science textbooks."

I think we should make Ross live his entire life by this standard. Always konsult a Klansman for any decision, however minor!

"Should we go to our favorite steakhouse for dinner tonight, Richard Spencer?"

"No! Two of the servers are black, you race traitor, you!"

"What brand of toothpaste should I buy, Mike Cernovich?"

"Whichever one whitens the most, of course!"

ARRRRRGHH WHY AM I STILL WRITING ABOUT ROSS GODDAMN DOUTHAT?!? Today sucks.

Bernie Marcus, the Montgomery Burns Cosplayer who runs Home Depot took to Fux Nooz to sneer a bit about how Democrats are dumb and brainless for opposing the recent GOP bill that lowered Bernie Marcus' taxes so much, presumably because he wants to lose the business of the majority of Americans who hate the bill, and are also likely less than fond of being taunted by oligarchs.

Marcus then returned to his estate for a light evening of bear-baiting and increasing the vending machine prices in his employee break rooms.

Jay-Z and the President of the United States of America are in what the kids call a "Twitter Feud," because that's just how life is now.

Y'know, Mr. President, I may not be a political scientist, but your pathological need to lash out at every black media figure that criticizes you probably outweighs the free ride you hitched on Obama's economy, in terms of your approval rating with African-American voters.

Oh, and the "shithole" thing. And the "very fine people" thing. And the "Central Park Five" thing. And the "sued for racist renting practices" thing. But yeah, keep harping on the unemployment rate, that'll work.

After giddily painting Harvey Weinstein as the founder and spiritual leader of the entire Democratic Party, Republicans seemed curiously unwillingly to apply similar standards to their own supercreep predator/megadonor/ahem, actual Party Finance Chair, Steve Wynn.

Wynn quietly resigned, but the GOP would very much like to keep his money, thank you. The Republican Governors Association made a hilarious show of giving back...SOME of the money he donated. Not all. Not most. Not, it must be said, even a significant percentage of it. Just...some. I only hope Spielberg lives long enough to immortalize your heroism on film, RGA.

And the Bonespur Buttplug, in a moment that rocked the entire fucking planet, declared he is not a feminist. In related news, I am not a radish.

Nikki Haley got mad at the Grammys for being political rather than just performing for her like trained monkeys. Nobody tell her about Bob Dylan.

Ultimately, Haley's just pissy because Hillary Clinton's cameo elicited a cheer her boss couldn't get outside a Klan rally. At some point, these fucks need to come to terms with the fact that the majority of Americans despise them, and yeah, we got all the artists in the divorce. You're probably sick of Kid Rock's B-sides and Scott Baio's one man show performing all the roles in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, but you should've thought of that before signing on to serve these fundamentally indecent fucksticks.

A formerly Fancy and Important Colorado Republican was sentenced for voter fraud, even though he tried whining really hard and blaming diabetes for making him steal his ex-wife's vote. Personal responsibility for thee, fabricated medical symptoms for me.

Asked in an interview about climate change, Sharty McFly proclaimed that the ice caps are no longer melting, but are "at a record level," because a witch's curse dictates that he must tell at least one lie every four hours, or he will turn back into the bullfrog-with-hemorrhoids he actually is.

Golly, there's a bottleneck at the exit door over in the House of Representatives, with an ever-expanding crowd of some of the shittiest old white dudes in America trying to get out before the Blue Wave washes them...er, flushes them away once and for all.

Add New Jersey's Rodney Frelinghuysen to the pile of retirees. Rodney's walking away from the chairmanship of the House Appropriations Committee, the kind of power most politicians only dream of, the kind of power it takes a lifetime to attain.

They fear us SO much, Resisters. And they should. November's coming, and we all know what's coming with it.

So, Mark Warner says the Senate Intelligence Committee has received new documents raising new questions and opening new avenues in their Russia investigation, which will perhaps one day lead to exciting new flavors of Skittles and Oreos. Sadly, we cannot see the contents of these documents at this time, because they are classified, and frankly, too sexxxxy for us to handle.

Oh, Senator! Why must you torment us like this? Coquettishly teasing us, like a saucy wench who "accidentally" reveals her ankle with a smile and wink? I want the full monty, Mark! We want to see you in nothing but pasties that have indictments written on them in extremely small print!

Hey, if you need a little pick-me-up in these dark, disturbing times, watch the interview Sean Spicer gave on MSNBC. Craig Melvin sets down a big fat plate of Sean's own well-documented shit right in front of him, and feeds it to him, spoonful by spoonful. That should happen to Sean Spicer every single day and twice on Sundays.

CNN's Jeffrey Toobin finally took a little responsibility for the media's false equivalence during the 2016 campaign, ABOUT FUCKING TIME. Yes, Jeff, all the bullshit "Well, Trump is hella racist and credibly accused of sexual assault by more than a dozen women and unashamedly lies about everything but the REAL STORY is how Hillary Clinton only pretends to like hot sauce to pander to black voters" was super unhelpful. THANKS FOR THE DYSTOPIA.

With a historically loathed President tied to them like a bouquet of anchors, Republicans are desperate to show the electorate they haven't let the Velveeta Vulgarian change their values. They're the same backwards puritanical monsters they've always been, and that's why they tried to push their 20-week abortion ban through Congress!

They failed as they knew they would, but they want America to be sure to remember that by gum, they're the still the party that believes women are almost-but-not-quite people!

Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe resigned, or was forced out, or just got sick of Jeff Sessions stealing his lunch out of the fridge twice a week. Donnie Dotard has been pushing for McCabe's ouster for months, I guess cuz he's worried he hasn't made enough enemies in the intelligence community.

In the wake of McCabe's departure, NBC regaled us with a charming anecdote of the time the Idiot Manchild, throwing a tantrum because James Comey flew home in an FBI plane after being fired, suggested McCabe ask his loser wife how it felt to be a loser because of that time she lost like a loser. Weird they didn't get along better.

(Y'know, one of the reasons I look forward to Drumpf's eventual removal is a fondness for the days when the hierarchy of FBI leadership didn't take up space in my brain. Worrying about breaking individual links in the chain of command on the way to a full-blown constitutional crisis isn't as much fun as tracking baseball stats, is all I'm saying.)

You'd be forgiven, by the way, for thinking I got the story about the President's tantrum wrong, because it wasn't the only story about the President throwing a tantrum to break today. There weren't a lot of stories about Barack Obama throwing tantrums, and I don't think we properly appreciated that about him.

Here's a fun tidbit! General John Kelly has taken to ending conversations with Justice Department officials with a little admonition to not do anything illegal or unethical. Yup, this is the point in American history we currently occupy; the Chief of Fucking Staff telling his team, "Absolutely no treason, you rapscallions, you!"

The Failing New York Times reports Melania was "blindsinded" upon learning her husband diddled a porn star and gave her a six figure hush money payoff because I guess she's never actually met Donald Trump because literally no one else alive was even slightly surprised.

Things're about to get a little dark, folks, so if you need a little more comic relief, why not visit this story of Fugitive Jerkwad Julian Assange trying to leak dirt on Mark Warner to a fake Sean Hannity account?

Today was the big deadline for the Shart Administration to impose new, legally-mandated, sanctions on Russia over that whole interfering-in-our-elections thing, but they decided to just...not.

That's neat, isn't it? Congress says "do this," and the VERY PRESIDENT WHO SIGNED THE BILL INTO LAW just goes..."Nah. Don't wanna."

It's EXTRA fun when the President refuses to protect THE FUCKING COUNTRY HE IS FUCKING PRESIDENT OF from the hostile actions of an adversarial foreign power. Like if Kennedy gave Khrushchev pointers on where to aim those Cuban missiles if he really wanted to fuck shit up.

Well shit, folks. I was working up tonight's post and generally enjoying myself when the wheels came off the wagon and the wagon knocked over an outhouse and the shit from the outhouse hit the fan. Fuck.

There's been a lot of news about Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes and his "I guess I'll try nut-punch the entire FBI" memo. Devin's master plan seems to rest on accusing Rod Rosenstein of improperly seeking an extension of FISA surveillance on Carter Page. CARTER PAGE. You could get a FISA court to approve surveillance on Carter Fucking Page based on some of the interviews that doorknob has given on television.

So tonight, Nunes' committee voted, along partisan lines, to bend to the will of the Russian Twitter bot network and release his bullshit memo. And NO, Adam Schiff, you can't release YOUR counter-memo, the whole point of a disinformation campaign is disinformation, DUH, so we can't have you prancing around with your silly ol' HONESTY!

Oh, and Devin and his lackeys have opened an investigation into the Department of Justice and the FBI. Based on...nothing, really. Because law enforcement is the President's enemy, because the President is a criminal. It's really that simple. That's why a handful of malicious idiots are trying to tear our democracy's institutions down.

I guess when confronted with a problem like "What do you when your party's utterly corrupt leader faces a day of reckoning?" the answer is, "You burn the nation's law enforcement organizations to the ground and build yourself a throne of bone in the ashes!"

And the State of the Union is tomorrow night? Jesus Fuck. I see the governing party doesn't have their shit together enough to spell-check their fucking tickets. "Uniom." For all the respect you bastards have shown it, that sounds about right.

I'm certainly not going. Ruth Bader Ginsburg isn't either. I bet she's throwing a kegger. Think she'll let me in?

Ron Johnson vs the Secret Society of Voices in His Head

Well, the Velveeta Vulgarian is out of the country for a bit. Less welcome at home than a wolverine with diarrhea, the President took his Desperate Need For Approval Since Daddy Never Loved Me Tour to Davos, hoping the world's financial elite would finally be impressed with him now that he's in charge of a whole country.

Instead he was booed. Poor Donnie. Even with enough nuclear missiles to annihilate all life on Earth many times over, you still get no respect, because everyone can still see what a pathetic, simpering, loser you are.

(Links version, as always, here: http://showercapblog.com/ron-johnson-vs-secret-society-voices-head/)

Anyhow, as the saying goes, while the Gigantic Sack of Shit is away, the Smaller Sacks of Shit will play. All kinds of Republican fuckwads scuttling around, making trouble this week.

It seems the tadpole who had ascended, through Team Skidmark's what-passes-for-meritocracy-among-the-handful-of-jagoffs-immoral-enough-to-actually-work-for-us promotion system, nearly to the top of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, will be resigning, now that word's gotten out that he's an under-qualified clod who lied on his résumé and isn't all that into showing up for work.

Speaking of The Best People, former event planner Lynne Patton took a little break from her job OVERSEEING A MULTI-BILLION-DOLLAR HUD DIVISION SERIOUSLY HOW THE FUCK IS THE COUNTRY NOT JUST ON FIRE ALL THE TIME WITH THESE CLOWNS RUNNING IT to rage-tweet a fat joke at a journalist.

All that stuff about an organization taking on the qualities of its leader? I'm thinkin' that theory might just have legs. Patton'll probably be Secretary of State by fall.

God bless Devin Nunes. It's both lucky and, honestly, extremely amusing, that Il Douche's most devout congressional lackey is so magnificently incompetent. And the guy imagines he's playing Nth-level chess with actual intelligence professionals. He's like if a Marmaduke cartoonist stole an unfinished John le Carré story and tried filling in the gaps after eating a bunch of paste.

Devin had himself a master plan to bring down Robert Mueller and the whole dang Russia investigation. All he had to do was write a little Memo, (and Devin got a B- in memo-writing in his summer course at the community college) in which he says "All this shit is made up and wrong and lies and bad and you're going to have to take my word for all this because I've seen the intelligence and no you're absolutely not allowed to look at it, just trust me," and then the whole world would just take him at his word, and nobody would ever check his work or make him prove anything and all Trump's problems with evaporate then the Underpants Gnomes would make him King of California.

Or something.

And yet somehow, this Moriarty-worthy plan collapsed, like a house of cards, only with pancakes instead of cards. He refused to show the Magic Memo to even his Republican colleagues in the Senate. Then he refused to show it to the FBI, leading the Department of Justice to write him a "you should really stop, you twit" letter. And then Adam Schiff tapped Devin on the shoulder to remind him, "Bro, I can write memos too, y'know."

So Nunes is left shaking his fist at sky, bellowing "I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for my own walnut-sized brain!"

Now, after all that bumbling lunacy, you could be forgiven for thinking nobody could possibly out-dumbfuck poor Devin when it comes clownish attempts to block for Trump.

And that's exactly how Ron Johnson sneaks up on ya.

It's like "nobody would be stupid enough to - " is the spell they teach you at Hogwarts to summon him.

Yes, Detective RoJo was ON THE CASE, set to blow the lid off the deep state plot to overthrow the government, like the protagonist in a paranoid 70's thriller starring Dane Cook in the Warren Beatty role.

"There's a SECRET SOCIETY," proclaimed Senator Ron! "And since I've put my shoes on the correct feet for three consecutive days now, I'm just the man to take them down!"

And of course the right wing loonosphere gleefully spread his accusations as gospel truth! Ron Johnson has an INFORMANT! Never mind that anyone with actual important information would surely seek out any of the other 99 Senators who can actually, y'know...READ, before turning their findings over to Ron Freaking Johnson, WE'RE GONNA TAKE DOWN MUELLER!!!!!!!

And then the media got ahold of the FBI agent's text on which the whole conspiracy theory was based, and...dear God, it's SO obviously a joke. More obviously a joke than the average Marmaduke cartoon, frankly.

The moral of the story is, if Ron Johnson is ever the only dude in Washington saying something, maybe you should consider the possibility that there's just a stray hornet rattling around in the pudding cup he has for a brain before assuming the dumbest man in the Senate somehow managed to get the drop on anyone.

It looks like we won't have Pat Meehan to kick around anymore, which is almost a shame, because I was really looking forward to seeing how his Creepy Old Dude Who Has No Understanding of Just How Creepy He Is defenses would play on the campaign trail. Alas, Pat will not be seeking another term in the United States Congress, opting instead to embark on a quest for a new soulmate.

He could maybe start with his wife. Just a suggestion.

Chuck Grassley claims Jared Kushner is too "spooked" to agree to an interview with the Senate Judiciary Committee, likely because Sheldon Whitehouse likes to sit in the back row doing that thing where it looks like you pull your thumb off, and Jar-Jar finds it unsettling.

The GOP tax reform bill keeps on pumping new vitality into the economy. Provided that, by "the economy," you mean "Paul Ryan's Super PAC."

The rest of us schmucks? We're out of luck. As expected, plenty of companies are buying back stock, but let's give props to the one that's openly using their newfound windfall to pay for a fresh round of layoffs.

Plenty of Republican fuckery on the state level to catch up on, doesn't that sound like fun? Fucking of course it doesn't. It's Friday night, why're reading this shit?

In Wisconsin, Scott Walker's cronies fired the heads of the Ethics and Elections Commisions, because oversight is, after all, for cucks. You sorta wonder if the surprise special election spanking they received last week has anything to do with the sudden watchdog-neutering impulse, don'tcha?

Reeling from the electoral defeat of their favorite pedophile, Alabama House Republicans voted to change the rules, doing away with special elections for Senate vacancies altogether. Don't worry, though...you can still run if you were kicked off the state bench twice for refusing to obey the law.

Congratulate long-shot Missouri Senate candidate Courtland Sykes for misreading the cultural moment worse than the dude who lost the family fortune investing in Betamax.

Gazing out upon the post-#MeToo landscape, Courtland* figured what Missouri really wants is a where's-my-dinner Neanderthal, bellowing about "banshees" and "she-devils" and "gender-bending word games." It's like he's auditioning for the role of "unhinged guy stalking a Breitbart columnist," and overacting the part.

Claire McCaskill, meanwhile, probably wondered if she was really lucky enough to have lightning strike twice. I'm sure she'll be generous when the collection plate circulates this Sunday, "Thank you Lord, for sending me another Akin!"

Another Drumpf-loving Senate candidate, this time in Pennsylvania, seems to enjoy chillaxin' with the anti-Semitic, Holocaust-denying crowd. I swear, by 2020, you're going to see GOP primary debates where candidates attack one another for insufficiently praising the Charlottesville marchers.

So, Donnie Two-Scoops called up the Guggenheim, to ask if he could borrow a painting for a non-specific, probably-less-than-four-years period of time, to hang in his bedroom. The Guggenheim responded, "Hell no, you'll just get mayonnaise stains all over it," but they helpfully offered up an alternative work of art; a gold-plated toilet.

God, I love this story. Shart Garfunkel likes to imagine the world lives in awe and fear of his glorious might, but here you have an art gallery responding to a request by going, "Nah, brah, YOU CAN HAVE THIS SHIT RECEPTACLE INSTEAD."

...I'm sure renegotiating NAFTA is going swimmingly.

The latest emoluments lawsuit got rolling, and things look good so far. And that means...um...well...fuck, y'all. I got nuthin'. Emoluments aren't funny. If you've got a good emoluments joke, I think you get to challenge me for my mask now.

We learned Dutch intelligence infiltrated the Russian hackers who fucked with our election (NOT SO FANCY NOW, ARE YA, BEAR?) and passed their findings on to our own IC. So yeah, expect Fox and Friends to call for a bombing campaign against the Netherlands any day now.

Anyway, the Failing New York Times told us the Man With Phalangeal Stunting actually tried to fire Bob Mueller last summer, but Don McGahn heroically stood up to him and threatened to quit rather than carry out the order, in a story that was totally not leaked by Don McGahn.

Sean Hannity did not take this news well. First he yelled a bit about how it wasn't true and then he yelled about how okay, it was true but it didn't matter because OH LOOK A CAR CHASE. Then he...painted himself green.

Hannity is not going to survive this journey, folks. Because he's of that particularly insecure breed of American male who believes saying "Sorry, I was wrong" is some sort of unforgivable weakness, when he reaches the point where even he can't defend his precious God Emperor anymore, he'll just...combust, mid-rant, live on television. You heard it here first.

Getting back to the thing where the President of the United States has engaged in a year-long pattern of obstructing the fuck out of justice, Foreign Policy dropped another bomb, this time about Littlefinger organizing a smear campaign against high-level FBI officials, including Andrew McCabe, who just so happen to be potential witnesses in the above-mentioned obstructing the fuck out of justice case.

The good people of Kansas are finally free of Sam Brownback, so presumably there are Munchkins singing all over the place right now because making a Wizard of Oz joke when you talk about Kansas is low-hanging fruit and I'm tired.

Brownback was finally confirmed (after Mikey Hairshirt had to shuffle over to break a tie, because Sam's old Senate colleagues remember what a dick he is) to his new post as some sort of free-roving international religious scold. Whatever. Maybe now the Sunflower State can actually keep the lights on at their public schools. Congrats on failing upward, jackass.

Brownback will be succeeded as Kansas Governor by Marmaduke, because of the Rule of Three.

The Shart House leaked their immigration plan, offering a path to citizenship for the DREAMers in exchange for concessions out of Richard Spencer's wettest dream. Stephen Miller couldn't get this deal if he found a fucking genie, and STILL the immigration hardliners are shrieking about "amnesty."

Casino Mogul/RNC finance chair/Personal Trump Friend/No Seriously, He's the Guy Who Hosted he Party Drumpf Had to Skip During the Shutdown Steve Wynn was the target of the latest "rich creep who has been sexually abusing women for decades" story, and all the conservatives who happily tarred the entire left over Harvey Weinstein raced to hold their own side to the same standard.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH, don't be silly, they're all waiting to see if they can get away with staying silent until the President punches Nancy Pelosi at the State of the Union or something and the news cycle moves on.

I don't know how much longer I can maintain even the appearance of sanity, friends. The never-ending, bludgeoning, barrage of - wait, what? They're bringing back the XFL?

Heh. Heheheheheh.

...yeah, I think that's juuuuuuuust about my breaking point, folks. See you in Arkham.

*Dude's name is COURTLAND. Downton-Abbey-named motherfucker shouldn't be talking about when he wants his dinner ready, is all I'm saying.
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