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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 209

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The President is a White Supremacist Terrorist and Other Hilarious, Hilarious Jokes.

Having a hard time with this one, friends. The gags don't come as easily when when you're dealing with atrocity, rather than the standard buffoonery. Like, “Didja hear the one about racist fascist president who took thousands of children hostage?” There's no punchline, just horror, sorrow, and rage.

(Tonight's blog is crap, the computer ate my last round of editing and my links. Nevertheless, I'm still at: http://showercapblog.com/the-president-is-a-white-supremacist-terrorist-and-other-hilarious-hilarious-jokes/)

Things're so shitty, I can barely enjoy the fact that Paul Manafort has been sent to jail since the last time we touched base. I should be in the hospital right now, having ruptured my fucking gut laughing at the image of that cheap crook, rotting away in a cell, having finally found a problem he couldn't RichWhiteGuy himself out of.

But I'm sitting here listening to a recording of children crying out for their parents in a fucking government-run detention camp, and I confess I can't find much to laugh about.

Ok. We can do this. Start with something light.

Oh, I know. How about the thing where Weehands McNodick, desperate to spin his diplomatic debacle in Singapore, fabricated a brigade of grieving parents of those who died in the Korean War, because he can't find anyone who's actually still alive to deliver the praise he craves. Now, everybody's been calling him out on what seems to be a rather obvious falsehood (the parents of Korean War soldiers would all be well over 100 by now), but what if it's true? What if he's being haunted? What if he's constantly swarmed by the shrieking spirits of the restless dead, demanding recompense for forgotten wounds?

...it might explain the irrational behavior, the lack of attention to detail, the inability to competently groom himself, etc., is all I'm sayin’

We were treated to a few behind-the-scenes anecdotes of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops acting like a spoiled brat at the G7 summit, like the socially maladjusted rich kid you had to invite to your birthday party because his dad works with your dad.

First we learned of Orange Julius Caesar’s dutiful parroting of Putin's “They speak Russian in Crimea” excuse for VIOLENTLY INVADING A SOVEREIGN NATION, because while he's President of the whole dang United States of America, he still hasn't won Vlad's coveted Employee of the Month award. The prize is a jar of piss from the fairest hooker in all the land, so you know he really really wants it.

And then there was the juvenile line about “shipping Mexicans” to Japan. That's possibly the Drumpfiest thing he's said yet; petulant, racist, and embarrassingly pathetic. This must be this “We're America, bitch,” thing he's trying out. Don't worry, after his dumbfuck trade war has destroyed the economy, and his tantrums have ruined the reputation so many better men and women fought so long and hard to build, we can always have Donnie's Daddy bail us out of trouble. That plan always worked for him before, anyway.

And then it was off to North Korea, where he SALUTED A FUCKING NORTH KOREAN GENERAL, which historians of all political persuasions unanimously agree was the single biggest cuck move in human history.

Back home, Shart Garfunkel and his shitty, shitty, children are finally facing a lawsuit for stealing from charity, because oh yeah, thanks to the enthusiastic support of evangelical "Christians,” our President is the kind of absolute crotchtumor who uses his “charitable foundation” to make political donations, pay off legal debts, and purchase a big fat ugly painting of his big fat ugly self.

Now, the Shart insists he won't settle! But the NYAG office has a voucher, in his handwriting, directing the charity to illegally dispense funds to settle a lawsuit, soooooooo they probably aren't looking to settle either, y'know?

Michael Cohen, perhaps seeking one last humiliation as a free man before he has start swapping rim jobs for cigarettes, tried to get a gag order on Michael Avenatti, to please stop completely owning him in public all the damn time. The judge didn't bite, because the law doesn't work that way, which Cohen would probably know if he were a real lawyer.

The Sensei of Sez-Hoo likely also wants a gag on federal investigators taping the contents of his shredder back together, and decoding his encrypted messages, because they sure as shit did that. Anyway, Cohen's pending perp walk should get better rating's that his Boss’ inauguration.

Ronna Romney McDaniel is HERE FOR THE FASCISM, y’all. She might not be willing to return Steve Wynn's donations or apologize for financing serial child molester Roy Moore’s Senate bid, but she's totally down to tweet out threats to any who refuse to bend the knee to High Priest of Diarrhea Gargling. I don't know what she's calling herself these days, but a Romney by any other name would smell as shitty, so fuck you, Ronna.

Fat Q*Bert seems to have figured out the child-proof locks General Kelly installed in the Oval Office, because he waddled out on the White House lawn for an impromptu press screeching last week, apparently because he was worried there might still be one person somewhere on Earth who still believes he's sane. Or honest.

Editorial cartoonist Rob Rogers has been fired by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for criticizing God Emperor Colonblight; fascist wannabe state media has claimed one more outlet HA HA HA CAP YOU'RE SUCH A JOKESTER PRINT MEDIA IS DYING AND IT'S TAKING THE RIGHT TO PROTEST WITH IT HA HA HA.

Legislative affairs director Marc Short is allegedly the latest rat to flee the Shartanic, having directed the legislative affairs of a massive tax giveaway to the uber-wealthy and...not much else. I guess Short wasn't looking forward to shepherding Stephen Miller's We Will Release One Child Hostage For Every Dark Skinned Person Who Self-Deports Act through the Senate.

I barely have the heart to cover the opening of the latest new wing in the P.T. Barnum Presents Scott Pruitt's Wondrous World of Cacophonous Corruption Traveling Museum and Wild West Show. It's a pretty good show, too. WATCH IN AWE as Scotty wrangles Rose Bowl tickets from an energy industry bigwig! GAZE IN SHAME as he engages in Olympic-level ass-kissing to save his job!

...but since he isn't LOCKING CHILDREN IN CAGES, his offenses seem almost quaint today. You go to your little football game, Scotty.

Fresh action on the Chinese front of the international trade war, with Beijing and Shartopia exchanging billions in new tariffs. Don't worry, America! Your President won't back down, no matter how many hundreds of millions of dollars worth of damage he inflicts on farmers! And as you struggle to feed your families, know that your sacrifice serves the noble cause of momentarily placating his insatiable ego!

Speaking of the Big Dumb Trade War, I see regular Canadians have announced their intentions to boycott American products, but their currency is based on maple syrup and autographed hockey pucks, so we should be fine, right?

As the quest for the “Best People” has devolved into a frantic search for warm bodies, the Shart House has resorted to seeking candidates for what ought to be the most coveted gigs in politics at a freaking job fair. It's still a tough pitch; we have nothing to offer but blood, toil, overdone steak farts, and the guarantee of crushing personal legal debt.

The long-awaited Justice Department Inspector General Report hit the streets last week, jumping directly to the top of Billboard's Government Records charts, supplanting a study on the gap between Jeff Flake's professed anti-Trump self-puffery and his actual voting record.

Of course, the Hairplug That Ate Decency proclaimed the report exonerated him of all accusations of collusion (it didn't), as well as proving that Salma Hayek really really wanted to date him.

One thing you have to give Babbling Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani; he understands that nothing short of the complete destruction of the rule of law in America can save his shitty grifter boss. So he's out there on any TV show shameless enough to host him, screeching that Mueller must be investigated, must be suspended, must be fired. Based on not one fucking thing.

That's Rudy and Donnie's whole strategy; obliterate Americans’ faith in the law and those that would enforce it. That's the play. And these two hateful old men don't give half a rat's ass about the nation they'll leave behind; let it all burn, just so Donald Fucking Trump can keep crapping in his gold toilet until the fast food and experimental hair tonic finally catch up to him.

And Roger Stone sings:

Oops I did it again
I lied to your face, and while under oath
Oh Baby, Baby,
Oops, you thought you could trust
Are you fucking concussed?
I'm not that innocent!

(And now you're picturing Roger doing all that sexy dancing, aren't you? You're welcome.)

But yeah, Stone seems to have forgotten one itsy-bitsy meeting-with-th’Russians-offering-dirt-on-Madame-Hilldawg in his months of blanket denials that almost certainly extended to his testimony before Congress, but his memory seems to have been jogged by the fact that Bodacious Bob Mueller apparently knows all about it.

Now, if Devin Nunes were interesting in doing his job, he'd have a rather enormous problem with Roger Stone lying under oath to Congress. That's a crime. Kind of a significant crime, actually.

But Devin doesn't care about the rule of law. Devin has just two passions; fucking pigs and obstructing justice, and he seems to be temporarily out of pigs. In fact, he refuses to release the transcripts of Stone's testimony, because he is using his post as the chairman of a powerful congressional committee to shield members of his party from the consequences of their lawbreaking. (Oh shit, you were expecting a joke, and instead you got a bleak description of objective reality! YOU AIN'T SEEN NUTHIN’ YET!)

Devin also confessed to being part of a Dastardly Deep State Plot where FBI agents leaked him damaging classified information on HRC during the 2016 campaign. Somehow it's heroic when it's him, but a Monumental Assault on Everything That's Good and Right when law enforcement investigates Drumpf's many crimes, because...reasons.

On a nicer day, a kinder day, we could all enjoy a few laughs at Shartolo Colon’s bonehead directive to establish a whole new branch of the military called (James Earl Jones voice SPAAAAAAAAAAACE FOOOOOOOOOORCE!

Folks, this is what happens when you elect Mike Teavee President. It's like outsourcing national security decisions to the group of kids I hung out with in 3rd grade, after we stayed up all night binging on root beer and Twizzlers the night Nate's parents let us rent ROBOCOP. Honestly, we can probably head this whole thing off if Mattis just orders the Pentagon to build the Toddler in Chief a really cool spaceship model, providing it makes adequately amusing pew pew pew noises.

Forbes has an incredible deep dive into the truly phenomenal ethical abuses of Nap-Prone Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, up to and including profiting off of the publishing of an earlier story about his ethical abuses. In any earlier administration, this would be an earth-shaking scandal. Today, it almost feels like a distraction from the government's greater evils.

At least we can take a moment to laugh at our old friend KKKris KKKobach, who not only had his bullshit voter suppression law struck down in court today, but was even ordered to take six hours of continuing legal education classes by the judge, just for being such colossal fucking idiot.

And now that I'm laughing at KKKris, I suppose I can finally muster the appropriate level of schadenfreude to appreciate Paul Manafort's imprisonment. Tonight, Paulie, I'm ordering a pizza, drinking a six pack, and choosing the one precise moment in time when I want the lights in my bedroom to turn off. You can't do any of these things, because you're too fucking dumb to not commit crimes when the F.B. FUCKING I. are surveilling your every move. Really nice work, genius.

Ok fine, I guess we have to deal with the elephant in the room. The elephant being The President is a White Supremacist Who is Using American Law Enforcement to Carry Out Acts of White Supremacist Terrorism.

Can we please stop fucking around about this shit? There was never ANY interest in increasing American greatness, only in decreasing the amount of America that shitty white folks had to share with other people.

You've probably seen in the media that “men” like Stephen Miller and John Kelly support this policy as a “deterrent.” Let's break down what they mean by that. They mean they want to make asylum-seekers associate “The United States of America” with horror. With terror. With “that's that place where they FUCKING STEAL YOUR CHILDREN.”

That's why this policy is terrorism. It's designed to terrorize. Your government, in your name, with your tax money, is committing acts of terrorism. They're hurting children, on purpose. The goal of the policy is to hurt children. Hurting children is the entire fucking point. Well, hurting children, in order to spread terror. Terrorism.

Amnesty International calls it torture. Because it is. The American Psychological Association calls it a “mental health crisis.” It is. The president of the American Association of Pediatrics calls it “government-sanctioned child abuse.” And it is.

But to Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “inhuman monster”), American President/Unapologetic Kidnapper & Terrorist, this is finally the opportunity he's been seeking to get his Stupid Fucking Wall built! Blisteringly incompetent, historically ineffective, unapologetically evil, he imagines swapping the CHILDREN HE'S THROWN INTO CONCENTRATION CAMPS for fulfillment of an empty promise he made to hateful rubes.

And that's the state of politics in the United States on Monday, June 18th, 2018.

And while one team of immoral stooges brags to the base about all the harm they're inflicting on the non-white, another brazenly perpetuates lies like “we're only enforcing the law,” or “Democrats did this,” or “Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a human being with a human soul.”

And so we have children, CHILDREN in cages, on suicide watch. We have a Border Patrol agent mocking the cries of suffering children. And we have a law enforcement officer sexually assaulting a four year old girl, confident he'll get away with his abominable action because her mother is undocumented, and therefore subhuman, and therefore powerless. You have, in short, plenty of Americans who are all to ready to transform their country into a fascist, white supremacist hell.

The Republican base has become such a rage-spitting hate cult that they LOVE this evil, even as anyone with the tiniest shred of decency is understandable appalled. But hey, they apparently like Kim Jong-un more than Nancy Pelosi, because the only value remaining to them is fealty to the Grand Wizard Grifter. After less than two years, they prefer the dude who runs slave labor camps to the woman who thinks human beings deserve health care.

Meanwhile Kirstjen Nielsen literally demands “don't believe those dirty journalists, with their photographic evidence and their eyewitness accounts! WE, THE BENEVOLENT STATE, HOLD THE ONLY TRUTH!” Withered Hate Demon Ann Coulter suggests children are only ACTING when they express the slightest displeasure at being ripped away from their families. The ghouls at Fux Nooz suggest these kids should be grateful for their detention.

Perhaps in a few months, when the trade war has wrecked the economy, Jesse Watters will suggest that we can no longer afford to feed these children whose lives we've destroyed. Perhaps a more permanent, more...final solution is called for.

Fuck, there hasn't been a joke on this so-called political satire blog for quite awhile now. I'm sorry, friends, I just can't find humor in this monstrousness.

Oh wait, here's one: How many Trump Administration Officials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

NONE, THEY'RE TRYING TO PLUNGE THE ENTIRE WORLD INTO DARKNESS HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!!

That joke sucks, I know. So does real life right now. I hope you're up for a fight, dear reader, because a fight is what you've got.

There's more, I know. There's Shartboy backing out of the U.N. Human Rights Council and the Senate shitting on his plan to let China and ZTE off the hook and god knows what else. But I haven't the strength right now.

Inaugural Shower Cap Contest! Guess How Much Republican Racism There is in This Week's News! (F/SC)

Hey hey, Shower Captives! We're gonna play a little game with today's blog. Without scrolling ahead, see if you can guess how many different stories of the GOP's increasingly inhumane racism/bigotry/unashamed open white supremacy appear in this round-up, which picks up the news late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. A special Shower Cap prize awaits those who guess correctly!

(You know the drill. This post, with links, is available at: http://showercapblog.com/welcome-to-the-inagural-shower-cap-blog-contest-guess-how-much-republican-racism-there-is-in-this-weeks-news-fabulous-prizes-await/)

But before we dive into that particular lemon-juice-and-broken-glass-filled pool, let's recap the historic collision of two of history's biggest, smelliest, sloppiest turds in Singapore.

Now, I’ve never read The Shart of the Deal, but I bet I can reverse-engineer the main points, having observed the artist at work:

1. Openly proclaim that you have done no preparation whatsoever, to pave the way for...
2. Accepting the first offer you get, which is actually a step backwards from previous agreements, plus...
3. Unilaterally offer your negotiating partner long-sought concessions, in exchange for a fat plateful of jack shit, but...
4. Claim they promised a whole lot more, but be careful not to get that in writing, then...
5. Hold out your hand expectantly in front of the Nobel people.

Basically, he swapped joint military exercises with South Korea (without telling them first, of course...allies are an obstacle when all you're seeking is aggrandizement) for a less-specific version of the same empty bullshit promises these murderous thugs have been making for decades, and now he's strutting around like history's greatest peacemaker. It's like if Neville Chamberlain were a professional wrestler.

Pushing this over line from merely embarrassing into Ricky-Gervais-in-The-Office-Sweet-Jesus-I-Can't-Even-Watch territory, President Groinrot seems to have gotten the idea to suspend military exercises from Putin, so honestly why don't we just let Vlad move into the goddamn West Wing? Melania would be happier, and I'm sure it'd be more efficient.

While President Buttfungus sends his stooges out to condemn the leaders of our most faithful allies to eternal damnation, he praises the mass-murdering dictator of a literal hell-on-earth like he's Joe Buck describing Clayton Kershaw. “He's so funny, and smart, and he's like, an abnormally good foosball player, he almost got me to put Hawaii on the line in a foosball game, the lil’ hustler. And his ass! It's like Ivanka's, when she was 17! I just want to bite it!”

And Kim Jong-un can't believe his fucking luck. The candles on his birthday cake must have been magic this year! After all, they were made of tallow rendered from the bodies of North Koreans who were WORKED TO DEATH IN HIS SLAVE LABOR CAMPS AND NOW WE HAVE TO WATCH OUR PRESIDENT FELLATE THIS DIME STORE POL POT BECAUSE HE'S LATCHED ONTO THE IDEA THAT THIS WILL MAKE HIM BETTER THAN OBAMA.

FUCK.

Anyway, Kim went home to brag about pwning America so hard, Mike Pompeo's throwing tantrums insisting the signed agreement says things that it quite objectively does not say, and the Candycorn Skidmark himself has proclaimed he ended the North Korean nuclear threat despite leaving the regime in possession of all those nuclear weapons, which is a bit like claiming you've ended Phil Collins’ threat to Motown when his whiter-than-Tucker-Carlson's-ass covers album is clearly still streaming on Amazon Prime, to detriment of all mankind.

So yeah, basically sound and fury, signifying fuckall. At least we were treated to a spectacularly awful propaganda video that I think we all know Stephen Miller put together on his phone in those spare hours he's long since abandoned any hope of filling with human companionship.

Devin Nunes, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein has had enough of your shit! The Deputy Attorney General (Yes, that spells DAG, yo.) reminded Devin that if he and his team of treasonous collaborators went through with their pathetic contempt of Congress political stunt, he could subpoena the shit out of their communications, and if that's what y’all want, that's what we'll do. By the by, I call on y’all to investigate your own leaky-ass crooked staffs, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

Nunes, clearly nervous as his inevitable day of reckoning drew ever closer, ordered his staff to draft legislation allowing federal inmates conjugal visits from pigs, can't imagine why.

A senior official at Justice decided to teach the hypocrites on the right what “pro-life” ought to mean, resigning after Jeff Sessions unveiled his bold new “The Constitution clearly states that we must thin the herd by denying healthcare to those with preexisting conditions” stance. Lemme just say I am disappointed with the relatively small number of “You want me to WHAT? Oh HELL no!” resignations under this assclown regime.

And I see Bob Corker's been cosplaying as his favorite fictional character, “Brave, Principled Bob Corker” from a magical make-believe land where the Republican Party stands for something other than “Hating Whoever Our Pumpkin Spice God Emperor Tells Us to Hate.”

Gosh, I'm just in awe of Corker's bravery, aren't you? Watching him boldly Speak Truth to Power™️ mere weeks before he flees electoral politics forever to enjoy the fruits of the personalized kickback he weaseled into the tax bill? Bob's no different that Boss Shart himself; he wants to claim to credit for resisting without putting in the work. I say let's give Bob's job to Phil Bredesen.

Well, it seems the Shart Administration has finally realized they have a problem with their Tear-Children-From-Their-Parents'-Arms policy, and that problem is...they're running out space! Not “Holy fucking shit, we are demons in human form doing evil work,” but “We have detained so many children we have run out of space to store them.” A human being with a soul might look at that situation and reflect, “Hmmm...maybe we could try being a little less evil,” but our governing kakistocrats figured, “Fuck it, let's open up some 'tent cities’ and fill ‘em with kids!”

(This space left blank to allow the reader to weep.)

So anyway, if anybody reading this knows Kim Kardashian, could you maybe call her up and see if there's any way she could develop a hobby interest in the MOTHERFUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR CHILDREN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT WANTS TO OPEN ON AMERICAN SOIL?

I see Scott Pruitt's wife finally found a job, that should free up some man-hours over at the EPA. Maybe they'll finally have time to protect the environment a little bit HAHAHAHAHAHA BREATHABLE AIR IS FOR CUUUUUUUUCKS.

In a procedural filing to lock down some evidence, Rugged Robert Mueller casually reminded everybody that the fuckery he's investigating isn't all past tense, that Russians are still grabassing around in our elections, and oh yeah, the President and his party refuse to defend the nation from foreign attack, because they benefit from it, and isn't it just swell that this is a fact of life in American nowadays? “Oh right! We're governed by traitors! Anyhoo, is the Big Bang Theory on tonight?"

Brad Parscale, who you should follow if you've ever wondered "What would Goebbels’ Twitter feed look like?” thinks Jim Acosta should have his press credentials revoked for the crime, nay, SIN of...asking the President a question. Parscale's the kind of Drumpf lackey that probably keeps a journal just to scribble down ideas for the experiments he wants to conduct on the inmates once he gets his own gulag.

I'd like to take a moment to thank Mark Sanford, for providing valuable, conclusive research on the gap between the Republican base’s professed values and their actual ones. Sanford, you'll recall, while serving as Governor of South Carolina, abandoned his post, leaving his constituents without a Governor, to fly to Argentina to cheat on his wife, and of course lied about it. None of that was enough to prevent the fine upstanding “Christian” conservatives of South Carolina from electing him to serve multiple terms representing them in the U.S. House of Representatives.

But daring to criticize the Velveeta Vulgarian for his many ethical shortcomings? You go to far, sir! GLOVE SLAP! The White Supremacist Rage Cult the GOP has become will brook no apostates! The only value is Trump, and I expect to see a corresponding surge in the production of orange-colored stained glass before the year is out.

Nobody's enjoying the Drumpf era more than Iowa's Steve King, who's really let his hair down lately, and by “hair” I mean “Klan robe.” Steve-O is now merrily retweeting the Nazi musings of a British Nazi, as if to say "Hey, look at this Nazi! Aren't his Nazi ideas great, and shouldn't we be more like this Nazi?” and can I just say that having a sitting U.S. Congressman promoting open Nazism on Twitter is...somewhat less than Bangarang.

In a truly epic act of bothsidesism, the GOP base decided that Virginia should also be for haters, nominating white supremacist fuckhead Corey Stewart to challenge the Dean of Dad Jokes himself, Tim Kaine, for a U.S. Senate seat. While Stewart is a genuinely vile human being, I confess it's funny as hell watching the media squirm to find “fair” descriptors, ranging from “confederate statue defender” and “white nationalist sympathizer” to “conservative firebrand.”

Lemme help y’all out. If you're looking for a word to describe a man whose campaign in 90% about traitor statues, and who pals around with Jason “I am a White Nationalist” Kessler, why not just say “asshole?” “An Asshole Won the Virginia GOP Senate Primary.” THERE, I FIXED YOUR HEADLINE. If you have a little more space to fill, maybe “An Ass-Backward, Hood-Wearing, Diarrhea-Belching, Black-Hearted, Colon-Huffing, Piece of Absolute Racist Trash Asshole Won the Virginia GOP Senate Primary.”

By the way, President Klanrobewedgie wasted no time in endorsing this flaming pile of mule excrement, so it's probably time for another round of think pieces on whether or not it's fair to describe our President as “racist.”

Also, Nevada Republicans nominated a pimp for a House seat, YES AN ACTUAL PIMP, so, y'know...family valyooz and all that.

Oh, and everybody say hi to Seth Grossman, Republican candidate in the open New Jersey 2nd, who has some thoughts on diversity, and SPOILERZ, those thoughts are super duper racist with white privilege sprinkles on top. Grossman remembers the good ol’ days when no matter the color of your skin, you were judged only by your qualifications, so long as your skin was white. If you'd like to donate to Jeff Van Drew, the Democratic candidate for this seat who is not an unapologetic shitsack, click here.

Tuesday night was much kinder to the blue team, as we emerged with another strong slate of candidates to challenge the Howler Monkey Meth Den across the aisle for control of the House, the Senate, and all life on Earth, prolly.

On that topic, big congrats to Jacky Rosen for makin’ it official in Nevada! Toss Jacky a buck or two if you can spare it, because sending Dean Heller to the private sector would be a big boost to Operation: Stop Mitch McConnell From Packing the Courts with Fuckweasels.

And another big state-level pickup, a Wisconsin senate seat, in a district that chose Poo by a 17-point margin in 2016, despite Governor Scott Walker's passionate efforts to thwart democracy in his state.

Before we move on, meet Angus King's Republican challenger in Maine, Eric Brakey! He's certainly...enthusiastic.

At this point in the Broadway musical adaptation of this shitshow, Michael Cohen stumbles out on stage, dazed, disheveled, and disbelieving, to deliver a soliloquy song about his fall from the heady days of peddling 6-figure influence contracts to anybody dumb enough to accept them, to sitting alone in his apartment with whatever possessions the FBI didn't confiscate, waiting to be arrested. Javert meets Jersey Boys.

Oh, and Mickey Dead Eyes’ lawyers are quitting. I'm sure it's just cuz they think the case will be too easy and they're only interested in challenges at this stage in their careers because they're plucky and have something to prove and not because you're guilty as shit and deeeeeeeeeeeeply fucked, Michael. Don't worry.

Anyway, everybody's wondering, will Cohen flip? Does this chintzy GoodFellas knock-off have the goods to take down the most powerful man on the planet? Will he run into state-level charges that the Tangelo Taint Tumor can't pardon? Are there any underpants in his apartment than remain unshit*-in?

Foreign Policy (the magazine, not the Thing the Government is Supposed to Do) introduces us to Mari Stull, a Shart Administration apparatchik dutifully snooping around the U.N. and State Department in search of the insufficiently loyal. If this seems like rank political hackery at the expense of much-needed experience and competence, don't worry, Stull is totally qualified for this gig; she used to be a wine blogger.

A wine blogger? Fuck. That's like getting your political news from a lunatic wearing a Captain America bathrobe and a luchador mask.

Late breaking news says Sarah Huckleberry Slanders is planning on leaving her job as Chief Propaganda Minister to spend more time burning books and murdering puppies. So is her shitty little sidekick, Raj Shah. Anyway, the next press secretary will a puppet that was fired from the Muppets for raping another puppet.

That's all I've got tonight, friends. By my count, there were FIVE different stories about Republican racism in this one blog, but I totally fucking lied about giving you a prize. The prize was an entirely illusory promise. If it's good enough for the President of the United States, it's good enough for you. But I promise to completely denuclearize this blog really soon.

*Unshat? I've been drinking.

Trump Flings Poop in Canada, Kim Hides Poop in Singapore, Another Crappy Day of News. (Ferret/SC)

Excellent news, Comrades! The Antifa-Canada alliance has been finalized, and the launch of Operation Jade Helm II: Deep State Boogaloo is imminent! Pick up your Soros-issued paycheck at the Pizzagate joint in your neighborhood, and await General De Niro's orders!

(You know where you can find this post, and many more, with all the links n’ shit? At this link: http://showercapblog.com/trump-flings-poop-in-canada-kim-hides-poop-in-singapore-another-crappy-day-of-news/)

Paul Manafort is collecting federal indictments like he's playing Pokémon GO! Gotta catch ‘em all, right, Paulie? With new charges of obstruction of justice and conspiracy to obstruct justice, Manafort's looking at the kind of trouble that even a rich white guy can't duck (or, the rough equivalent of an African-American teen stealing sneakers).

Oh, and who is Precocious Paul accused of conspiring with? Why, Konstantin Kilimnik, the latest Russian with ties to Putin's intelligence apparatus! That's right, campers, Drumpfy's old campaign manager, colluding with a Russian spy! Add that to Friday's hearing to revoke his bail for witness tampering, and this asshole is supremely...#Manafucked.

Welcome to day one of Ajit Pai's new post-net-neutrality world! To continue reading this blog post, please deposit one (1) six pack in Cap's beer fridge, preferably an IPA, nothing too fruity or distracting.

So, the state of Florida stopped conducting background checks on people applying for concealed-carry permits. For over a year. The whole fucking state. I guess the employee in charge of running the checks got locked out of the system and figured “Meh, we're only the state where people do bath salts and try to eat other people's faces, what's the worst that could happen?” They issued about 300 permits to people who shouldn't have them, but don't worry, the official in charge of the department responsible is among the frontrunners to replace Rick Scott as Governor of the whole dang state!

Mitch McConnell threw himself a party, because “the last 16 months have been the single best period for conservative values!” During that time, his party has embraced open white supremacy, ripped hundreds of children away from their families, tried to get a child molester elected to the U.S. Senate, done all it could steal health care from millions of Americans, attacked and alienated our closest allies while coddling dictators, refused to protect the country from a hostile foreign power that attacked (and continues to attack) us, legislatively redistributed massive amounts of money to their donor class, fielded a historic number of Nazi/white supremacist candidates, continuously attacked the rule of law to shield a criminal, lied incessantly while attacking those who tell the truth, and I better stop now or I'll never finish this fucking post.

Yes Mitch, it has indeed been a remarkable stretch for your movement's “values.” They haven't had a run like this since the late 1930's.

For generations, scholars have wondered “What if diplomacy were conducted, not by learned and experienced leaders, but by spoiled toddlers flinging shit at the walls?” Well, wonder no more! Canada's gonna be scrubbing the contents of Tangerine Idi Amin's diaper out of the curtains for weeks to come!

First, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops threw a tantrum because the mean ol’ western democracies threw his buddy Vlad out of the club just cuz he invaded dumb ol’ Ukraine and killed a few stoopid journalists. Which Russia shouldn't be punished for, but which is still Obama's fault.

Then he stumbled around, raging and babbling and venting his greivances, going so far as to suggest he'll end all trade with our allies, if his demands (based on his totally faulty understanding of international trade) aren't met, like a dude threatening to blow up a McDonald's because he can't get his hair cut there.

So Shartolo Colon shits on our oldest and closest friends while keeping his lips firmly planted on Putin's ass, like a dumbfuck diplomatic human centipede. At this point, while the Manchurian Manbaby does Russia's bidding dismantling western alliances, I honestly just hope he was paid well. But knowing the “great dealmaker,” he probably swapped NATO for a well-done steak, a too-long tie, and a 40 oz bottle of hooker pee.

And he showed up late and left early and generally made an ass of himself, but all in all it could have gone worse. He didn't hump Angela Merkel's leg, and he even agreed to sign the joint statement. Not exactly We Are the World, but under the circumstances, it'll do.

But then the minute Sultan Spraytan's back was turned, that dastardly Justin Trudeau pissed on the American flag, kidnapped Ivanka, and ordered the Canadian Air Force to carpet bomb Seattle, so - oh wait, I'm being told all Trudeau did was give a little speech calmly explaining that he did not care for the new tariffs and would impose retaliatory tariffs of his own? In that case, I think our President may have overreacted a wee bit.

Suddenly he's rage-tweeting at his Canadian counterpart (so much braver on Twitter than he is face-to-face, isn't he?) and dispatching Shiny New Replacement Sycophants Larry Kudlow and Peter Navarro to gin up anti-Canada animus on the Sunday Shoz, no doubt prompting MAGA nation to burn all their Bryan Adams cassettes.

Anyhow, Larry and Pete sure did pass their loyalty tests, (the first half, anyway...they have to murder an FBI agent by July 4th. Plus Stephen Miller's penchant for creative hazing is said to be genuinely disturbing.) dutifully raging about the Canuck menace in terms of betrayal, and even damnation.

Fat Q*Bert boldly announced that he would not extend a Shart House invitation to this year's NBA champions, days after members of both teams announced they would under no circumstances lend their celebrity and excellence to such a shitty, racist, goon. Peter Navarro is reportedly standing by, prepared to challenge Steph Curry one-on-one should his God Emperor demand it.

Buried in the middle of the traditional weekend Leaked-by-Basically-Everybody Behind-the-Scenes Peek into the Monkey Cage we Call the White House piece, we FINALLY learned how Scott “The Man of 1,000 Scandals” Pruitt manages to hold on to his job; he's carved out a little space for himself as Boss Turdwaffle's bitching-about-Jeff-Sessions buddy.

That is some next-level sycophancy there, Scotty! Show up every now and then with bag of cheeseburgers and the willingness to let a doddering old nitwit vent about how unfair it is that the Attorney General isn't burning down the FBI to protect him, and there's no abuse of the public trust that won't be gently overlooked. I salute you, sir. When the bombs fly, I expect two survivors: roaches, and Scott Pruitt.

...but I repeat myself.

And there's the Historic North Korea Summit/Commemorative Coin Sale Extravaganza. Having successfully given a tyrannical mass-murderer the long-craved legitimacy of standing alongside the American President as an equal (In exchange precisely jack shit, the Shart of the Deal strikes again!), the Poo Mistake won't bring up human rights violations, not even in a casual, “Brah. Do me a solid and shut down a forced labor camp or two, just for Christmas” kind of way. I don't know that we should be surprised, he doesn't give a shit about the people in THIS country.

Kim Jong-un, a petty little clown so broke he had to borrow a plane to get to Singapore and so paranoid he's traveling with his own personal toilet so that nobody can pick through his shit, apparently surprised Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet by announcing an earlier-than-expected departure, leading President Rube to scramble and bump up his own travel plans. Played like a fiddle by a third-world tyrant. It's like losing at Connect Four to a 3-year old...guinea pig.

McClatchy reports that several Putin-connected Russian bigwigs were in contact with the NRA during the 2016 election, fueling speculation that America's least favorite terrorist non-profit organization laundered oligarch rubles to support a certain bloated treasonweasel's campaign. Mueller, as we already knew, is investigating. Me, I've got a vision of Wayne LaPierre's perp walk, and it's so pornographic that Michael Avenatti is my lawyer now.

John Kelly's e-mails got hacked while he was Secretary of Homeland Security, and Trey Gowdy immediately ordered hearings into how Trey Gowdy is a sanctimonious hypocrite who pretended to care about e-mail security when he saw an opportunity to drag Hillary Clinton for a bit, but now that his party's Frankenstein Monster is wrecking havoc around the world, he's retiring and leaving the mess to others to clean up.

Just kidding. There are no hearings. Except, perhaps, in the lonely early morning hours, in Gowdy Doody's heart. And probably not even there.

But while we're on the subject of record keeping, it seems President Crotchvoid has a tendency to just tear official documents into pieces, which is so obviously, hilariously the act of a career criminal habitually used to destroying evidence, but ANYWAY, we've been paying multiple high-salaried public servants to tape them back together because the Presidential Records Act is still a thing. Oh and for good measure, a couple of the records management professionals who handled the taping were recently fired without warning or explanation. Just the latest totally normal thing from our super normal, nothing-whatsoever-to-hide administration.

This morning, Merrick Garland authored the majority opinion in a Supreme Court decision overturning Ohio's voter purge law, JUST KIDDING it turns out that a bunch of swing state voters thought it was so important to cast a protest vote for some third party shithead that they were willing to be accessories to Mitch McConnell's theft of a SCOTUS seat, and so Neil Asslicking Gorsuch cast the deciding vote instead, and now Republicans have enshrined this vote suppression technique into the very fabric of American law!

As we debate Robert De Niro's use of a naughty word, I find myself in the midst of my own deep personal struggle with obscenity. After months of running this humble poo joke blog, I feel hopelessly overwhelmed in my quest to find a word profane enough to describe the smug, smiling evil of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. I need something...German. Something with guttural retching sounds and umlauts and seven or eight syllables.

Y'know, even the most ambitious bigots would probably call it a day after reshaping the nation's border law enforcement into a machine that rips children away from their parents and throws them in cages, but Jeff is a genuine exemplar of hatred. Now he's issued a sweeping overhaul of asylum policy, withdrawing eligibility from victims of gang and domestic violence, condemning untold thousands to God knows what fate.

What depravity. What abomination. Just a few days after we learned a recently-deported high school student was murdered in Mexico. After we were told the horrifyingly tragic story of the Honduran father who committed suicide after Border Patrol agents took his son from him.

With any halfway decent human being, you'd wonder How the Fuck Can You Sleep at Night, Having Caused Such Misery, but you know Sessions will tuck himself in under his Confederate flag comforter, warmed by the thought of having carved out a little more of the world for mediocre white dudes like himself.

And now I see Jar-Jar and Princess Ivanka netted a cool $82 million in income last year, swapping state secrets and our nation's foreign policy for trademarks and cold hard cash. Meanwhile, the administration wants to make it legal for insurance companies to deny customers with pre-existing conditions again. All those extra dead people won't need money, so I suppose we might as well pass it over to the governing grifter family!

Anyway, Shartboy's in the middle of his summit now. Hope he doesn't swap your hometown to North Korea in exchange for a crayon drawing of Kim Jong-un throwing a bomb in a trash can!

PS - At the very moment I publish tonight, Dennis Rodman is on TV, crying over his buds Drumpf and Kim getting together, and shilling something called "potcoin." Real life, folks...REAL. LIFE.

Scott Pruitt is an Artist. Corruption is his Medium, and the World is His Canvas-Ferret/Shower Cap

Scientists have created a “psychopath artificial intelligence” by giving it input from the darkest corners of the internet hell men call “Reddit.” Just to spice things up a bit, I have turned today's blog over to this AI.

...just kidding. All this shit happened. In the real world. Not that you can tell the difference. (And I know everybody knows this by now, but if you'd like to view the post with all sorts of helpful links, click here: http://showercapblog.com/scott-pruitt-is-an-artist-corruption-is-his-medium-and-the-world-is-his-canvas-and-other-news/)

President Drumpf debuted his bold new reelection strategy this week: by repeatedly embarrassing the United States on the world stage, the Marmalade Shartcannon hopes to induce liberals to abandon their citizenship in shame, thus forfeiting the right to vote. In yelling at Justin Trudeau for Canadians burning down the White House during the War of 1812 (I...bu...wha?), the plan is off to a smashing start. I myself am now pretending to be an Australian on vacation. And that was before the D-Day gaffe.

Paul Ryan made headlines around the world for kinda sorta almost standing up to Boss Shart and his ridiculous “spygate” fabrications, because a Republican leader actually siding with the truth over the Poo Mistake’s relentless gaslighting is indeed news. (Don't worry, though. The Speaker would quickly devolve back to his regular invertebrate state, insisting there's no evidence of collusion, which is true if you ignore all the evidence of collusion.

Remember a couple days ago when Dorito Mussolini demonstrated his keen understanding of human nature by attempting to turn Philadelphia sports fans against their championship football team? And petulantly canceling their White House ceremony and replacing it with a jingoistic glorification of a dopey old goon in a too-long necktie forgetting the lyrics to songs?

Well, ODDLY ENOUGH, it turns out he couldn't get actual Eagles fans to attend, so he papered the house with interns and staffers, maybe a crisis actor or two TAKE THAT GEORGE SOROS. AstroTurf at a football party. That's satisfying.

...reminds you of the early days, when Fuck-O dragged staff around to laugh at his jokes, doesn't it?

Betsy DeVos announced that her department's school safety commission will not be examining the role of guns in the gun violence epidemic facing America's schools, which is a bit like ignoring the role of dinosaurs in the deaths at Jurassic Park, AND THAT'S WHY THEY KEEP GETTING OUT AND EATING PEOPLE, DON'TCHA THINK?

We learned that the forthcoming Justice Department Inspector General report will indeed fault James Comey for his handling of the Hillary Clinton e-mail probe, reminding us “Oh yeah, this whole shitshow we're forced to endure is quite possibly the fault of one man's self-righteous pride. NEAT.”

I know I've made this observation before, but it's true again today: Scott Pruitt had more scandals just this week than the entire Obama administration did in 8 years.

Asked to justify abusing his post in an apparently failed attempt to hook his wife up with a Chick-fil-A franchise, Pruitt could only babble something about how it's a “franchise of faith,” and you almost have to admire that half-assed attempt to shield yourself with a culture war touchstone. Like, maybe he charged taxpayers thousands of dollars for fancy pens because conservatives are being silenced on college campuses, right?

And a couple of Scotty's top aides resigned, probably because they were tired of their boss trying to enlist them in elaborate heist schemes to steal jewelry from visiting dignitaries.

Now we find out he's been lunching at the White House mess (where he enjoys low prices you the taxpayer are surely subsidizing) so often the staff asked him to please take his cheap ass someplace else every now and then, and how can you not just bask in the magnificent cheapness of the man? You know he's stealing sugar packets and cloth napkins, too.

Anyway, that's all the Pruittology we have for today, so let's move on to - HAHAHA JUST KIDDING.

So y'know that ridiculous, round-the-clock, security detail Scott demands? The one that cost taxpayers $3.5 million in one short year? Well, it turns out they're not just there to placate Pruitt's petty paranoia, they also run his errands, including...and this is AMAZING...driving him to various Ritz-Carltons around town until he can find one that has juuuuuuuust the precise moisturizing lotion that he likes.

And STILL Shartboy won't fire him! We're gonna have to drag his ass out of that creepy soundproof wankoff booth come January 2021. The next EPA administrator is gonna discover he dug a tunnel from the office supply closet all the way back to Oklahoma, and he's been smuggling printer paper for years.

Meanwhile Wilbur Ross’ Commerce Department has worked out a deal to lift sanctions on ZTE, making it official: this administration has worked harder to bring jobs back to a Chinese firm believed to be a security threat to the U.S. than they have at bringing manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt. Because until the Rust Belt can offer the Trump Organization half a billion in loans, they simply won't be a priority.

Mick Mulvaney fired the entire 25-person Consumer Financial Protection Bureau advisory board, because many of them were perpetually pestering him to do annoying shit like “protecting consumers.” Satisfied at another hard day's work subjugating the American working class to the plutocracy, Mulvaney treated himself to an afternoon of tying ladies to railroad tracks.

Joke of the Day: Judge Jeanine wants to be Attorney General! Of the United States! Look folks, I didn't go to law school and in a very real way, I'm a lunatic who dresses up in a mask and a bathrobe to tell poop jokes about politicians, but in all seriousness I tell you that I would have an infinitely better chance of being confirmed by the U.S. Senate than that raving moron.

Speaking of assholes who bellow crazy shit on Fux Nooz, Sean Hannity's steady descent into madness is quite a thing to behold, isn’t it? It'd be really quite amusing if he weren't one of our Lunkhead Rube President's most trusted sources of information.

Anyway, when news broke that Rugged Robert Mueller has been asking witnesses to turn over their cell phones so the FBI can poke around to see if they've been using encrypted apps like that Luddite dumbass Paul Manafort, Sean dropped the GOP's tough-on-crime stance like a hot potato Scott Pruitt got caught trying to sneak out of the White House mess hall without paying for.

Sean says the latest craze, whether you're a target or a subject or just a guy sharing Georgie Papaderpaderp's Netflix account, is DESTROYING THE EVIDENCE! It's illegal, but at least it's not a hangin’ offense!

If anybody's wondering why Hannity has developed such a sudden passion for erasing digital footprints, well, it seems he's swept up in the latest Avenatti/Stormy Daniels lawsuit. This new suit alleges Stormy's old lawyer colluded with Michael Cohen and even Baron Golfin von Fatfuk himself, including an attempt to get her to deny their past uglies-bumping on a television program hosted by one...Sean Hannity.

Sometimes I worry I'm setting my hopes too high for these lawsuits and investigations, especially when the worst people in the country seem to get swept up in them, from Mitch McConnell to Roger Stone to the bloodstained death merchants of the NRA...but y'know what? Let me have this one. Let me sit here on my porch with my cat and my Gumballhead, and fantasize about Sean Hannity being dragged away in irons, if only for the night.

While Government Cheese Goebbels wields the power of the Presidency with all the skill of a heroin-addicted gerbil, he's been more successful at reshaping segments of American culture in his own scowling, racist-as-fuck image. “If the President can vomit up the most vicious, ignorant, shit imaginable, why can't I?” now says the dirtbag who may have remained silent in more civilized times. So let's dedicate a depressingly-long section of tonight's blog to the Brazen Hate Roundup:

Exhibit A) Many conservatives didn't read past the headline on the SCOTUS MasterJag Cake Shop decision, and believed they had magically returned to the Mayberry-Chapter-of-the-KKK Halcyon Days of being free to screech whatever bigotry they felt like without consequences. Take, for example, South Dakota state Representative Michael Clark, who figured that so long as hate was on a roll, we should start talking about allowing businesses to refuse people of color again!

Exhibit B) CrossFit executive Russell Burger heard that and said “Hold my (Whatever it is CrossFit cultists drink)!” Burger thought it was suddenly really important to let the world know that Pride Month is really Sin Month and the REAL intolerance is the intolerance of his intolerance, and God hates the same people Russell Burger does, isn't that terribly convenient?

Russell, like Representative Clark, only read the headline, and didn't click the link. Russell has been fired. Russell should've clicked the link.

Exhibit C) Charlottesville Marcher/Shitty White Boy James Allsup has been elected to a Republican Party precinct committee officer post in Washington state, the latest open white supremacist to make a play for power within the institutional GOP. Hey, if anybody reading this just woke up from a coma and is trying to suss out who the good guys and bad guys are, can I point out that one team seems to be attracting all the Klansmen and Nazis?

Exhibit D) Some real choice specimens of humanity at a New York military base ordered a pizza, and then called the ICEtapo on the driver, getting him deported away from his wife and children...because evil is real. Because “it can happen here.” Because it IS happening here. Because one or more people on that base saw an opportunity to wreck a fellow human being’s life and decided, “Yes, that is exactly what I will do. I will steal this father from his family.”

I'll get back to jokes in a minute, friends, but before I do, click on this article, please. Spend a little time with the senseless suffering our despicable regime is inflicting on people, on CHILDREN, in the name of hate. I know we're all exhausted after a year and a half of this never-ending shitgeyser, but the world needs you to fight. We need your decency.

ANYWAY...

Exhibit E) Santa didn't leave any self-awareness under the tree at the Loesch house last Xmas, demonstrated by Dana's bone-chillingly tone-deaf comment that women “wouldn’t know what masculinity was if it hit them in the face” in her latest unhinged rant. Holy SHIT, Dana.

So as you can see, America's national reserve of Shitty, Shitty, People is in absolutely no danger of running dry.

But I don't want you to lose hope over any of this garbage, Shower Captives. Tuesday's elections left us with a lot to smile about. Good turnout everywhere. No Democrat shut-outs under California's ridiculous top-two primary system. Good, strong candidates in the most competitive districts.

And some great results in individual races. The judge who gave rapist Brock Turner an appallingly light sentence got his ass fired, as did the Alabama sheriff who enriched himself out of a fund meant to feed inmates. And another massive leftward swing in a suburban Missouri special election. The Coalition of the Decent is reasserting itself. I know many of you are chomping at the bit to do your part. Well, look at it this way; in the time it took you to read this post, the midterms got five minutes closer. Maybe ten if you're drinking. I'm drinking.

And despite some narrowing in the ol’ generic congressionals over the last few weeks, launching a thousand preemptive "How Democrats blew it” post-mortem think pieces, today brought a whole bunch of encouraging polling. I mean, take nothing for granted, keep organizing your asses off...but don't despair.

Best of all, Virginia gave us a teaser of the rewards awaiting us once the work is done, as Governor Ralph Northam finally signed Medicaid expansion, which Republicans had been blocking for years, into law. We ran against ‘em, we beat ‘em, we saved lives. The waiting is hard, I know, but it's oh so worth it.

At any rate...back to the horrible shit, I guess...

Rage-Spewing Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani offered his somewhat-less-than modern take on Stormy Daniels’ “reputation” before returning to his extremely respectable work slandering the FBI to protect the treasonous cabal of grifters who charge the secret service to pee.

I see Donnie Dipshit, the Dumb-as-a-Doorknob Dotard, figures he doesn't have to do any stupid cuck “preparation” for his summit with North Korea. After all, did he not (hire somebody else to ghost-) write The Art of the Deal? Did he not throw himself a giant party when the House passed Obamacare repeal only to watch its humiliating death in the Senate? Has he not failed to renegotiate NAFTA for more than 500 days running? What could go wrong?

And now Seb Gorka and Dennis Rodman are feuding, and that's a foreign policy story with potential implications on the upcoming nuclear summit, so if anybody needs me I'm the guy in a superhero straightjacket whispering "the horror...the HORROR.”

Anyway, even as he alienates our allies, Shart Garfunkel is making noises about inviting Kim Jong-un to America, where they can stay up all night playing Twister and discussing how to have disloyal family members killed. Tiffany is reportedly concerned.

President Toddler is reportedly extra-colicky that he has to go to the dumb ol’ G7 meeting where everybody hates him for crotch-stomping the global economy, and he's probably plotting to be a douchebag on purpose, like maybe playing that Blue Da Ba Dee song on the jukebox 8 times in a row and then leaving. Anyway, hooray for more unnecessary conflicts with our oldest and closest allies!*

The Hairplug That Ate Decency sprung one last surprise on us tonight, refusing to defend the Affordable Care Act in court, and proclaiming parts of it unconstitutional, because your government hates that so many of you are alive and healthy. Coming out against the protections for customers with pre-existing conditions should be a particularly big winner in the forthcoming midterm elections.

I'll leave you with something special. I aim to make to y’all laugh a little bit in these dark times, but trust me when I say nothing I've written compares to this video, documenting Mike Pants, Vice President of the most powerful nation on Earth, demonstrating his pathetic, automatic, instinctual subservience to his Spray-tanned Shitlord. Click and enjoy.

*As a point of clarification, I am not actually celebrating the President's assaults on America's most cherished and valuable alliances. From time to time, I employ a technique called “sarcasm,” to comic effect. Or at least that's the intent.

Lies, Damned Lies, and Trump/Huckabee Sanders Lies (Shower Cap/Ferret)

It's another one of those days when you can't tell which is greater; the malevolence of the ruling regime and their allies, or their raw, mush-brained, imbecility. It's like watching a pack of meth-addled clowns attack the Lincoln Monument with hammers and hacksaws.

(You know the drill. This post, with links, can be found at: http://showercapblog.com/lies-damned-lies-and-trump-huckabee-sanders-lies/)

Y'know what? Let's start with something a little different tonight. Let's start with something from one of the GOOD GUYS for a change. Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley is a bad motherfucker and a warrior for decency, using his post to shine a light on the horrific atrocities perpetrated by the Institutional Racism Firm of Trump, Sessions, & Miller.

Merkley was denied entry at a child detention center (oh didn't you hear? America operates child detention centers now. Very chic, very modern...the latest thing in state-sponsored evil.) He described scenes of children held in cages, but we'll have to take his word for it, since DHS wouldn't allow him or his aides to take photos, which is exactly how you behave when you're not doing anything monstrously reprehensible.

So, I've decided to worship Scott Pruitt as a God. I dub him Pruittus, Lord of All Corruption, and I fear to gaze directly upon him with my mortal eyes.

Seems that in addition to his other 358 known scandals, our EPA director apparently has a history of using government employees to perform personal tasks on his behalf, including attempting to procure a “used Trump hotel mattress.” See, that's what makes Scott so special, a generational grifting talent. There's no luxury too extravagant to bill to the American taxpayer, but when it's his own money on the line, the motherfucker is so cheap he tries to get a USED HOTEL MATTRESS, which would've been considered revoltingly unhygienic in the fucking Dark Ages.

And that? That was yesterday's news. Did today somehow, however improbably, bring fresh news of yet another previously-unearthed Scott Pruitt corruption scandal? You bet your sweet ass it did! Now we learn Scotty used not only his post, but a high-level aide drawing a government paycheck, in attempts to land his wife a job, specifically a Chick-fil-A franchise of her very own (cue alto Disney solo).

I know taxes don't really work this way, but allow me a bit of vanity here. I'm choosing to believe it was my personal tax money that paid the salary of the EPA aide for the specific chunk of work time she used to look for a job for Mrs. Pruitt. Think of it as my offering to His Sublime Skeeziness, the God of Corruption.

Of course, the Big Tyranny Gnus of the day is Tangerine Idi Amin's repeated insistence that he has the power to pardon himself, and this is not a debate my kindergarten Independence Day pageant prepared me for. All kinds of fun new issues pop up when you give awesome political power to a sociopath, y'know? I sure do hope the republic survives!

Now, Shartleby the Scrivener insists he's done nothing that would merit the use of this power he wants you to know he totally possesses, but don't kid yourself, after 70 years as a professional criminal, he's got a whole stack of preprepared pardons by the bed, for everything from sexual assault to treason. Everything filled in but the fucking date.

We're told a call between the Velveeta Vulgarian and French President Emmanuel Macron went poorly because the big bad French guy was mean and said mean things about Shartboy's tariffs when he was ‘sposed to just submit to the bullying. In the aftermath, the President curled up in General Kelly's lap and ordered his Chief of Staff to tell him a bedtime story about a Jolly Orange Giant who beats up a mean Frog with a stupid accent and then the Frog's wife says “Oh Donald you are much more handsome than my dumb husband and your fingers are larger as well.”

So the SCOTUS cake ruling came down and everybody got those initial push notifications and freaked the fuck out, right? Like, “Tell me you robed fuckers didn't just Kim Davis our entire goddamn economy,” and it turns out they didn't, and we all had fun parsing Court terms like “narrow” and “punt” and wasn't that just rave-in-a-petting-zoo awesome? Anyway, it's not a great decision but at least it's not a freedom-crushingly awful one, so...yay?

Semi-Sentient Cletus Spuckler Action Figure Eric Trump whinged a bunch about how hard Daddy's life has been since he entered politics, and then the ghosts of the thousands of needlessly, senselessly dead in Puerto Rico rose from their graves and swirled, shrieking, about him, rending him limb from limb. Or at least they really shoulda.

A new poll shows violent ex-con Michael Grimm leading in his GOP primary to regain the seat he lost WHEN HE WENT TO PRISON. Can we finally admit that Republican primary voters are just shitty fucking people looking for the shittiest people imaginable to represent them? By 2024, instead of debates, the GOP will have puppy-drowning contests.

Last November, the good citizens of Maine voted to expand Medicaid under the ACA, but Governor Paul LePage (THANKS, VOTE-SPLITTING THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE!) refused, because he hates poor people. But now a court says, “Sorry Asshole, people deserve to be alive even if they can't afford to attend $20,000-per-plate fundraisers, expand that shit right goddamn now.” This is LePage's worst nightmare (he vetoed expansion five times) because he is a terrible human being who is only in government to hurt people. Which should make him an outlier in Republican politics, but doesn't.

Operating on the If They'll Believe Pizzagate They'll Believe Anything principle, Orange Julius Caesar’s latest bullshit spin is “even though y’all saw Jeff Sessions’ hate boner when he announced the policy, it's really DEMOCRATS’ fault that my government is separating children from their parents at the border.” Me, I just find it interested that Fuck-O actually found a bit of minority-bashing he doesn't want to hang his name on in big gold letters, since he went out of his way to compliment white supremacists in the immediate aftermath of an act of white supremacist terrorism that one time.

Anyway, now the United Nations human rights office is asking the Shart Administration to cut it out with that “inhuman cruelty” jazz, and isn't it nice being shunned by the decent folk of the world, like a third rate dictatorship?

I know I shit on the President a lot on this blog, but I'm not above acknowledging the rare occasions when he does the right thing, because I'm so fair and balanced I'm like Snow White on a tightrope. So congratulations, Wee Don, on your decision to lock The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Lip out of your North Korea meeting. 1 point to Slytherin.

Pardonmania is running wild! Apparently President Crotchvoid has PARDON FEVER and plans on handing ‘em out like a small town Appalachian doctor dispensing opioids! Word is he's Mad About Pardons because 1) It's the only he can do without dumb ol’ Congress or the dumb ol’ Constitution holding him back, and 2) It's his only chance to avoid dying in prison.

Paul Manafort's been getting away with his life of crime so long, he doesn't seem to understand the rules have changed since he got indicted, so he keeps violating the terms of his bail arrangement, and...wowza, this last one is a doozy. Seems Precocious Paul, perhaps stir-crazy from house arrest, has taken up a new hobby...witness tampering! Bro. Try cross stitch, it's safer.

YOU ARE UNDER FBI SURVEILLANCE, YOU FUCKING NITWIT. Also, apparently you're backing up your “encrypted” communications to your iCloud account, you shitbrained Luddite motherfucker. And not only are you WITNESS TAMPERING USING ACCOUNTS UNDER FBI SURVEILLANCE, you're doing so in partnership with a former Russian intelligence officer? Dude. DUDE.

...now more than ever, Paulie, you are truly, madly, deeply...#Manafucked. If there are any continuing education opportunities in the jail they send you to (hearing June 15th), you should look into that shit.

Oh look, some gunhumping maniac called in a SWAT “prank” on Parkland survivor/gun control activist David Hogg! Remember kids, when you disagree with someone on a hot-button issue, send militarized police to their home, who knows, they might just get murdered! To the oozing colon polyp who tried to get a teenager killed, I hope they find you, buddy. I hope they find you, try you, convict you, and sentence you to 60 years in a nursing home septic tank.

Joke of the Day: Sarah Huckabee Slanders says “I think you all know I'm an honest person, who works extremely hard to provide you with accurate information." HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHHHH, oh shit, that's CLASSIC.

The Uncredible Huck is rather testy on the subject of her (utterly non-existent) honesty, what with the revelation that Team Treasonweasel has been flat-out lying about Boss Shart's role in drafting Shart, Jr.'s initial statement responding to the then-breaking news of his Hot Russian Spies Want 2 Collude With U meeting, which was, lest we forget, equal parts horseshit and bullpucky.**

And while it's certainly fun watching these garbage people squirm when they get caught, don't forget the strategy behind it all. They have a very large army of totally brainwashed drones who will believe anything they're told, no matter how ludicrous. And they're betting that when it comes down to it, their drones outnumber the decent folk who see through all their bullshit. And they'll be right, if you don't get everyone you know to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.

Meanwhile Mitch McConnell cancelled most of the Senate's August recess, because he's terrified the coming blue tsunami will wash his ass out to sea, and he's really more of a tortoise than a turtle when it comes down to it.

The Sunny D-Bag lost another case in court (because he is a big ol’ loser who loses all the time), and had to reinstate some Twitter accounts that he blocked like a coward (because in addition to being such a giant loser, he's also an enormous coward), but Fuckhead is actually appealing the ruling, because there's probably nothing more useful the FUCKING JUSTICE DEPARTMENT could be doing with its resources.

I guess it takes a month for the Shart House to fire somebody for mocking a political enemy for the TOTES HILARIOUS reason that he has brain cancer. Kelly Sadler's replacement will probably be that screaming white boy from the Charlottesville photos, right?

A White House contractor was arrested, at the White House, on an attempted murder charge, and thank GOD we finally caught one before he got nominated to a cabinet post.

Oh man...this thing with the Philadelphia Eagles...you have to love how it demonstrates Fat Q*Bert's two most dominant traits: white supremacy and cringe-worthy neediness.

Oddly, after attacking NFL players relentlessly for months in order to score points with his hateyokel base, very few of the Super Bowl champion Eagles felt like coming to Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops’ party! And so he threw a tantrum, cancelled his party, and sent his shitty Press Secretary out to babble like a lunatic about how the whole thing was a conspiracy to make him look like a loser*, and that the players don't have free speech rights to protest anyway, because his Klansman's idea of patriotism trumps that silly ol’ first amendment, patriotism means fealty to your Spraytanned God Emperor and if you're no “patriot,” well maybe you don't deserve any speech!

I honestly don't know whether to rage at the dictatorial impulses, or laugh at the naked insecurity motivating them.

I would be remiss in my duties if I moved on without mentioning the rat bastards of Fux Nooz, stirring up the day's Two Minutes Hate at some pictures of what turned out to be Eagles players...praying. Yes, Donald Trump finally has the Evangelical crowd hissing and spitting at actual Christians in the act of prayer. Surprised?

Anyway, LeBron James and Steph Curry agreed that whoever won the NBA title this year, neither team would accept Shartboy's invitation even if there was cake, and instead of playing basketball against one another, they joined hands and sang songs of friendship.

But just to put God's Own Maraschino Cherry on top of this story...President Shartcannon replaced his football party with a Nebulous “America” Party to show just how much more America-y he is than those treacherous black players who think un-America things like “Black Lives Matter.” And the military choir sang “God Bless America” and the cameras zoomed in on our fake patriot dirtbag President, and OF COURSE he didn't know the words, just like he doesn't know the words to the national anthem, and to anybody who is still falling for this painfully obvious con, can I just say...

...I would really, REALLY like to play poker with you some time.

Anyway. I'm gonna watch the election results roll in now. So far, so good.

*Bro, your whole life is a conspiracy to make you look like a loser.

**Is this blog even in English anymore?

On Presidential Pardons, Pruitt's Pens, and Petulant Pedophiles (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Hey hey, Shower Captives. First weekend update in awhile, trying to get back to the old schedule. I'm swinging between extremes of laughing my ass at off at the absurd incompetence of the reigning regime and weeping uncontrollably at their cruelty, so cut me some slack if I break down in the middle of this shit.

(As always, I invite you to poke around on my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/on-presidential-pardons-pruitts-pens-and-petulant-pedophiles/)

Ok, so the Marmalade Shartcannon pardoned felonious troll Dinesh D'Souza. Now, I understand this is a genuine abuse of power, and that it's a signal to all his crooked cronies who find themselves targets of Johnny Law, but can we just take a moment to appreciate how bonehead fucking dumb it is?

HIM SAY GUD THINGZ BOUT ME ON TEEVEE! ME GIV HIM PARDUN!

Y'know, if this cud-chewing doofus had half a fucking brain in his head, if he were mentally capable of fully exploring his capacity to abuse the powers of his office, we would be righteously fucked, folks. Instead it's “If I charge the secret service to piss at my club, I can make a couple bucks,” and “give the funny TV man a pardon.”

...and now he wants to pardon Martha Stewart and Rod Blagojevich*? Fucking of COURSE he does. Prison is for nobodies, not celebrities. Helluvan ethical system you've got there, Fuck-O.

Whelp, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits launched his pudding-brained trade war on America's closest allies. The E.U., Canada, and Mexico promptly announced retaliatory tariffs, as everyone knew they would, (Justin Trudeau in particular hulked the fuck out, which had to feel good after so many months of gritting his teeth and placating the spoiled toddler he's been babysitting.) so now, lucky us, we the American people get to pay the price for this dope's bullheaded bullying!

Take, for example, Iowa's pork industry. Already crotch-punted by Sharthead's trade policy to the tune of $560 million. Nice job with those electoral votes, Iowa.

This, of course, is how the world will treat Lil’ Donnie's trade war. They'll hyper-target his base, and swing states, and just keep punching our economy in the dick until he either caves or gets replaced. That's not a threat, that's a spoiler. In the meantime, a whole lot of Americans have to suffer needlessly. Many will lose their jobs. And all to placate one buffoon's insatiable ego.

Of course President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive thinks he's just getting warmed up. Visions of a total ban on German luxury cars from the American market apparently dance in his head like sugarplum fairies (or more likely, teenage beauty pageant contestants changing), because after all what is the President's job if not to hand-select which products we're allowed to buy?

Along the same lines, Team Turdwaffle is said to be toying with a plan to force companies to purchase energy from coal and nuclear plants no matter what that dumb ol’ free market says, because he literally wants to reshape the entire country's economy to serve his rage-filled base, no matter the cost. Expect an executive order forcing Elizabeth Warren to work as Joe Arpaio's butler any day now.

Anyway, everybody is mad at America for these dickbag trade moves, and all the other Finance Ministers at the G7 meeting made Steve Mnuchin sit in the corner, and they laughed at him and called him names, and wouldn't let poor Mnuchbag join in any Finance Minster games.

NPR released a hilarious recording of Michael Cohen auditioning for a community theatre production of DO I AMUSE YOU?: THE GOODFELLAS MUSICAL. The former - hang on, I'm being told this recording is of an actual attempt by Cohen to threaten a journalist, in real life. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

We haven't heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk in some time, but he said he had some stuff for us today. What's the latest in Abject Horror, Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: (quivers in silent revulsion)

Welllllll...I assume you want to talk about the Florida jury that awarded the family of a black man killed by police a settlement totaling four dollars, later reduced to four cents, and then reduced to nothing at all?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, Cap, that's pretty fucking disgusting. What kind of monstrous crotchtumor trolls a grieving family?

I got nuthin', Bill, that's fucking gross. Anyhow, the n-

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: WAIT!

Sorry, what?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I'm...not done.

Oh...uh, go ahead Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I...I can't. It's too horrible. Even for me.

Sure you can, Bill. Just take a deep breath, spit it out, and we'll move on to the rest of the news.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Ok. Soooooooooooo...there's this congressional candidate in Virginia and he's a white supremacist who did time in prison for threatening to kill Obama and that's not even CLOSE to the worst part because he's also a pedophile who runs a message board for incels and raped his wife and advocates shit that's even worse than what I've listed here but I won't subject anybody to that, click here only if you have a strong stomach.

(Long uncomfortable silence. Bill and Cap both vomit.)

Jesus. That's dark shit. Allow me to lift your spirits a smidge before we move on, with the following tale of Scumfuck Comeuppance:

HuffPo journalist Luke O'Brien dug up the identity of an Unusually Hateful Even For Twitter Islamophobic Troll (and shudder at the implications of that phrase), who was perfectly happy to vomit up the nastiest, most dehumanizing shit from the comfort of anonymity, but is melting down now that she's lost her safe space.

Yes, Amy Mekelburg now has to own her vileness for the first time, and she thinks that's unfair! Her husband lost his job (GOOD), and now she's devoting herself to an all-new crusade: WHINING. Drop by her Twitter profile, where she's gushing tears so hard I hope the levees in her town are in good repair. I don't get it, Amy! If the cause is so noble, why have you been so reticent to sign your name to it?

Bloomberg says Shartolo Colon's net worth dropped $100 million over the last year, as the Trump brand's desirability settled down somewhere between “explosive diarrhea” and “oozing scrotum pustule.” I wonder if the Bloomberg estimate fully compensates for all the taxpayer money Fuckhead is grifting, though. You known this goon stuffs his pockets with silverware before leaving work.

Donnie Two-Scoops had to fly down to Texas to beg rich people for money, and General Kelly told him that due to the proximity to the latest school shooting, he had to meet with some of the victims’ families, and Donnie whined “Do you I have to?” and Kelly said “Yes you have to, and try to show a little empathy,” and the President said, “What's empathy?” and they convened a meeting with every single person in their entire misbegotten administration and not one of them could answer that question.

The meeting went better than expected, but only because the President refrained from hitting on any of the grieving mothers. Also, he only referred to the murderer as “wacky,” rather than “a very fine person,” so y'know...baby steps.

So, Homeland Security says they found traces of “surveillance devices for intercepting cellphone calls and texts...operating near the White House,” which is SUPER WEIRD because it's not like President refuses to obey security protocols and insists on using an unsecured phone OH WAIT. In Sharty McFly's defense, he's probably just trying to make his Russian supervisors’ jobs easier, so in a way he's being thoughtful.

So the frothy band of trolls we call “the American right,” butthurt over the 100% justified firing of that one shitty sitcom lady and desperate to claim a reciprocal scalp of their own, play-acted a little faux outrage over Sam Bee saying the naughty c-word, and we all laughed at them because they somehow imagine that, after enthusiastically supporting a man of such obscene words and deeds as Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “What, is it weird that I talk so much about being sexually attracted to my daughter?”) they have any moral high ground to preach from.

Dorito Mussolini himself weighed in, suggesting Bee should lose her job, because it's much more fun to casually shit on the first amendment than to slog through all that other boring President work like “Learning about the complexities of diplomacy with North Korea before demanding a Nobel Prize.”

Anyway, on the one hand, it's appalling to see the President of the United States using his pulpit to attempt to punish a private citizen for critical speech. On the other, it's kind of fun because he totally fucking failed, which is the one thing he does best.

And leading conservative intellectual Niall Ferguson apparently colluded with young Republicans at Stanford to acquire “opposition research” on a liberal student, and I honestly can't imagine anything more pathetic than that. Niall's whining on the internet about conservatism going extinct on campuses, and hey, maybe part of the reason for that is how your movement has devolved into a giant pile of the shittiest people on Earth acting like total scumbags? Like, say, award-winning historians digging up dirt on fucking college kids? For example?

Also, a Florida Republican, a Rubio campaign figure and former state lawmaker, is somehow confused, and even indignant, that her comparison of former President Barack Obama to a cartoon monkey is being interpreted by libtard snowflakes as kinda racist. That happened in real life, friends. Real. Life.

And Rick Santorum said something stupid. Story at 11.

The feral rubes of Cult 45 have turned on Trey Gowdy for refusing to parrot Pumpkin Spice Himmler's ridiculous “spygate” lies. Gowdy sat alone in his study, gazing mournfully out the window while reflecting on his own role in his once-proud political party's decent into madness and HAHAHAH just kidding self-awareness is for CUCKS.

The latest target of the Mueller investigation is Jared Kushner's close, personal, friend, and holy shit, y’all, Jar-Jar has FRIENDS?!?!? I'm having a hard time figuring out how anyone could sit down and listen to that creepy, reedy, ghost-of-a-car-alarm voice of his for any substantial length of time.

I feel like I've written thirty different versions of this paragraph, but here we go again...the Candycorn Skidmark tipped off the markets about the month's jobs data, which he is absolutely not allowed to do. Once again, this would have been the single biggest scandal of the entire fucking Obama administration, the GOP would've dragged him from his bed and crucified him on the White House lawn, and it's BARELY A STORY here on the malfunctioning Ferris Wheel of Scandal we've been trapped on for FIVE HUNDRED FUCKING DAYS.

Hilarious little article on Politico about how the Shart of the Deal is actually exceptionally crappy at deals. The Apprentice negotiation details are particularly choice. I tell you folks, as an experienced haggler...I'm confident I could take him.

I have never enjoyed anything in my life as much as Scott Pruitt enjoys wasting taxpayer money. Now we find out he's been spending thousands of dollars on fancypants pens. PENS. There's a certain breed of douchey businessjag types who subscribe to the notion of the Ridiculously Overpriced Pen as a status symbol. Me, I think that's silly. I'll spend 80 bucks total on pens over the course of my entire life, thanks. Leaves more money for the really important things, like superhero masks and bathrobes.

Are there any spending scandals left for Pruitt? Is there any more corruption he can squeeze in? Front page of the Post tomorrow: “EPA Chief Pruitt Employs ‘Toenail Steward’ to Preserve His Clippings for Posterity, at $350,000 annual salary.”

...and then by Thursday we find out he was having the toenail clippings gold plated.

And YES, somehow, there are STILL MORE PRUITT CORRUPTION SCANDALS.

Let's round up all the North Korea news real quick, just so we can appreciate how thoroughly our Idiot Manchild President has been owned, pwned, and otherwise totally cucked by this ass-backwards third world dictatorship.

So Weehands McNodick un-cancels the Singapore summit, only with expectations downgraded from “I'll be coming home with all their nukes in the trunk of the car” to “Here's my number so call me maybe?” PISS IN OUR TIME.

And this North Korean spy, spymaster really, gets invited into the Oval Office (again, the sort of legitimacy these thugs have been horny for for decades), and he gives Fat Q*Bert a comically oversized letter, which simultaneous plays to his ego, AND sets up a photo op where his tiny, inadequate hands look even tinier and inadequater.

Meanwhile, the much-ballyhooed destruction of NK's nuclear test site, praised by the rightwing nutjobosphere as an unprecedented concession extracted by a master dealmaker...was probably faked.

Oh, and just to really rub America's face in shit, we have to pay for these dirtbags’ hotel in Singapore, because Kim Jong-un is a broke-ass scrub, but we have to be “discreet” about at so as not to wound the broke-ass scrub's pride.

GAWD this is embarrassing. The American President getting played, over and over again, by these 10-cent autocrat hooligans WHO CAN'T PAY FOR THEIR OWN DAMN HOTEL. It's like investing all your money a ponzi scheme run by a hamster.

KKKris KKKobach, currently running for Governor of Kansas (egads), appeared in a parade with a giant gun, I guess because he feels “I am extremely insecure in my manhood” is a winning campaign pitch.

Hey, remember that German ambassador nominee? The one that Dems held up for weeks because of what a bad fucking idea it was to make him an ambassador? Well, holy fuckballs, it was a BAD FUCKING IDEA to make him an ambassador! I'm gonna do something I would normally never do, and post a link to Breitbart, where Ric Grenell (which autocorrects, amusingly, to Grendel) talks about “empowering” Trumpy right-wing elements in Europe which is NOT YOUR JOB, BRO.

Seriously, I'm not gonna claim to be an expert in international relations, but this assclown thinks he'll just sit down with Angela Merkel and go, “Yeah, I'm here to advocate for your domestic opponents, now make with the diplomacy, lady!” and, um...that isn't going to go very well.

In the midst of all his greater atrocities, Baron Fatfuk refused to recognize Pride Month for the second year running, because he's as petty as he is evil. Just the latest in a series of actions that declare, “I'm only for the shittiest straight white fake Christians among you, and if you're not the type to attend one of my hate rallies, you're just a little bit less than fully human.”

And the President is still hiding his wife from the public, which is just one more super normal thing that's happening. The First Lady Disappearing for 3 Weeks Without Explanation is like, the “vanilla” of Things Having to do with the First Lady.

I guess the big news is the Flock of Assholes Drumpf hilariously calls his “legal team” leaking the memo they sent to the Mueller investigation to the Failing New York Times. The memo is such a shitty memo that Devin Nunes’ memos, previously thought to be history's shittiest memos, are laughing at this memo because it is so much shittier.

The gist of the memo is that because Government Cheese Goebbels is the President, “the law” is not really a thing for him. He doesn't have to obey any stupid subpoenas, and he can't obstruct justice because the Justice Department works for him, personally, and they have to do what he says, like if he called up Rod Rosenstein and told him he has to go down the hall and give Jeff Sessions a lap dance, Rowdy Roddy has to say “How hard would you like me to grind, Mr. President?"

Anyway, Rudy Giuliani is stumbling around the various cable networks, practically daring Mueller to take his legal D-team to court, which is a bit like Rush Limbaugh challenging LeBron to a game of Horse, but then, Rudy still thinks he can solve his client’s very large, very serious legal problems with TV appearances, so perhaps we should just say “bless his little heart” and walk away.

Seriously, Rudy is the worst goddamn helper I have ever seen. Highlights from recent appearances include “The President can pardon himself not that he's done anything wrong but he totally can hey maybe he just wants to pardon himself for being awesome like as a joke,” and “Getting caught lying about dictating Junior's bullshit letter about his God Yes I Want to Collude With You meeting is exactly why we don't want Don to testify because holy shit does he ever a lie a lot.”

...Rudy's kind of the Pippin of the Drumpf “Fellowship,” if you take my meaning. As if to prove my point, while I was writing, the asshole literally suggested Blump could not be indicted for COMMITTING A MURDER THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHED HIM COMMIT while he was in office.

And Michael Cohen wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Fuck, y’all, I'm just gonna write “Eat Me” on everything in the pantry in the hope that I can grow my way out of this jagoff Wonderland.

*SHOWER CAP FACT: I have pissed on Rod Blagojevich's lawn. A few times, actually.

Roseanne is Cancelled! Here in the Real World, We Still Have Problems. (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Fuck, y’all, even I can't keep up with this shit anymore. Today's news is like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Then One Firebombed the Cuckoo's Nest Like Dresden, and Then One Sent a Platoon Full of Soldiers in Clown Makeup Into the Cuckoo's Nest.

Anyway, I mixed a little ambien in my IPA, so things may go off the rails tonight, HAW HAW HAW. (At any rate, the post is available, with relevant links, at: http://showercapblog.com/rosanne-cancelled/)

Well, blood was spilled in the Culture War, when Roseanne Barr got canned for a tweet that somehow managed to be shockingly hateful even in an age where the very President compliments white supremacists in the immediate aftermath of an act of terrorism.

Still, it's nice that we're finally zeroing in on the precise point at which one crosses over from Provocatively "Racially Charged” to Yeah, No Amount of Money is Worth This Let the Shunning Commence. Apparently it's somewhere between Being Photographed as Hitler Pulling Burnt Person-Shaped Cookies Out of an Oven and Holy Shit, Even David Duke Doesn't Say Shit Like That in Public. (So the Velveeta Vulgarian still has plenty of wiggle room, actually.).

And of course she'd still be on the air if she'd stopped at merely spreading hideous (and long-debunked) conspiracy theories about Chelsea Clinton and George Soros, because hey, who among us hasn't falsely accused an ideological opponent of literally collaborating with the Nazi Party?

Anyway, Roseanne, who herself is like if a confederate monument and a Waffle House dumpster had a baby, wasted little time in violating her pledge to leave Twitter, embarking on a hate-&-self-pity-filled rant worthy of...well, worthy of Donald Trump. Whatever. We'll pay attention to you for another week or so, then it's bye forever, you piece of trash.

I spend a lot of time documenting the shittiness of the American Right, but because Shower Cap is both fair AND balanced, let me dedicate a paragraph or two to checking in on the scuzziest ass rashes of the American Left.

First off, if you processed your post-11-8-16 grief by donating to Jill Stein's recount scam, you'll be happy to learn she's still spending your money, even if she's gotten a bit lackadaisical in keeping up with those legally-mandated FEC filings. Still, when she drops her next folk-rock album (tentatively titled, “The Free-Wheelin’ (With Your Money, Rubes!) Jill Stein,”) it'll all be worth it.

And everybody meet BernieBro-cum-Drumpf-supporter Bruce Carter, who went to work for Breitbart and Steve Bannon suppressing the African-American vote! Thanks for your role in enabling all this senseless human suffering, Bruce! I wish you a life full of Comcast customer service and asparagus farts!

So, nobody's seen Melania since she was hospitalized for that kidney thing, and maybe she's moved back to New York, where we the American taxpayers will have the privilege of paying millions of entirely unnecessary dollars for her secret service protection, but maybe she's just shut up in the White House? In the final analysis...who gives a fuck?

I don't subscribe to this idea of Melania as some sort of closeted ally in the fight against her Turdburger husband. We don't know a lot about her, she keeps to herself, and that's her right. But from what little we DO know, she's a fucking birther, and until she does something to offset her that very public bit of racist-as-hell shittiness, I'm saving my sympathy for the many thousands of victims of her life partner's assorted atrocities.

Mother Jones was poking around in Scott Pruitt's past, back when he was but a wee Oklahoma state senator with a fool's dream of someday charging taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars to build a soundproof booth where he could jack off to goat porn, and discovered that he used to while away the hours proposing bills that would grant men “property rights” over unborn fetuses.

Pruitt's just amazing. He's like a sketch comedy caricature of a Republican come to life. That a jackass of such regular, almost hourly moral failings can unashamedly stand in judgment of others to such an extreme that he will insist one human being's body is another human being's property...he's gotta be Andy Kaufman, right?

Princess Ivanka is MOST put off by the uppity peasants who call themselves “journalists,” questioning her over Daddy trading sanctions relief to a Chinese telephone company suspected of espionage in exchange for a few trademarks for his precious little girl! WHAT'S WRONG WITH A FATHER LOVING HIS DAUGHTER? AND MAYBE LUSTING AFTER HER JUST A LITTLE BIT OK A LOT OK SO MUCH THAT HE TALKS ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF CAMERAS? Anyway, she ran away from the press.

I've been trying all day to come up with a joke about Tennessee CongressLoon Diane Black suggesting that school shootings happen because of pornography, but I honestly can't top the ridiculousness of the source material. Ionesco is sitting in the corner of my apartment, utterly undone by the absurdity of this thing that happened in real life, sniffing glue and weeping.

Mitt Romney will accept your praise now. He spoke some hard truths to power, proclaiming the Misshapen Play-Doh Manatee isn't a good role model for his grandkids, and “has departed in some cases from the truth and has attacked in a way that I think is not entirely appropriate,” WHOA STEP BACK THERE, HOTSHOT, and the cast launched into “Cool” from West Side Story:

Mitt, Mitt, crazy Mitt
Get cool, Mitt!
Got a rocket
In your car elevator...

...ok, it doesn't quite work. But then, neither does merrily accepting the endorsement of a walking sack of shit who you admit is a garbage role model. You know else is a garbage role model? Willard Mitt Romney. Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be panderers.

When you're about to be convicted of a felony, it's really useful to have something to trade to prosectors in exchange for leniency. Like, say, the Governorship of Missouri. Just ask Eric Greitens. Backed into a corner by a court order demanding the release of documents proving his crimes, the onetime Rising Star (Hee Fucking Hee) finally discovered the better part of valor, and slunk off into the night, no doubt petitioning to join Trent Franks’ poker game.

Of course, without Greitens weighing his party down on the midterm ballot, Claire McCaskill's re-election just got a little tougher. So toss her a buck or two if you can, won'tcha?

So the CIA assessment of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops’ desperate Nobel Prize ploy says the North Koreans have no intention whatsoever of giving up their nukes (FUCKING DUH), but may plan on offering a...fuck, I'm laughing so hard it's hard to type this...a fucking FAST FOOD RESTAURANT in Pyongyang “as a show of goodwill.”

That...that's the most perfect expression of totally-earned contempt I can imagine. That, hilariously and depressingly, is EXACTLY how much respect the sitting President of the United States deserves. “Nah, man, we won't dismantle our nuclear program, but WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH YOUR JACK SHIT?”

Anyway, we're a couple weeks out from the summit which may happen, or not, meaning the U.S. government under President Dumbass schedules high-stakes diplomacy with less certainty than your corner pub setting up trivia night.

We saw yet another article revealing yet another instance of Tangerine Idi Amin berating Jeff Sessions for recusing himself from the Russia investigation, because only the innocentest of Presidents need pliant lackeys to shield them from law enforcement probes, everybody knows that.

(While we're on Sessions, some dolt wrote a handjob of a profile of ol’ Bilbo Bigot, calling the too-racist-for-the-80's monster who's abusing his power to break up families at the border, whose last remaining unfilled wish is probably to own a slave, “honorable.” No, I'm not linking that shit.)

Well, the Special Master has ruled on the materials seized in the raids on Michael Cohen's office/hotel/storage unit, and the news is bad...for all parties involved who identify as “Michael Cohen.” Over a million pieces of evidence will be turned over to prosecutors.

Holy SHIT, bro. There aren't a million pieces of evidence that I EXIST. Oh, and to ratchet things all the way to shit-your-pants terrifying for the Sez-Hoo Sensei, the FBI is even reassembling the papers you ran through the shredder. If I was you, Mikey, I'd take any plea deal that lets you take a half-hour walk in the prison courtyard once a month.

I see President Gas Station Urinal Cake's crippling insecurity has once again led him to leak classified information in a pathetic attempt to impress people. This time he babbled about a clash in Syria involving Russian forces to a group of mega-donors. Ironically, and perhaps tragically, this betrayal of his sacred duty failed to net Drumpf even an iota of the respect he so desperately craves.

The Man Whose Fingers are as Tiny & Stunted as his Soul may finally have tried to lie a lie too big even for his craven congressional enablers. Trey Gowdy, a hack so partisan he kept his bullshit Benghazi investigation open as long as he possibly could in the vain hopes he'd at least turn up evidence that Huma Abedin was stealing office supplies, had to admit, “Nope. The Old Fucker pulled this straight out of his ass. His real ass, not the significantly smaller ass from Dr. Ronny Jackson's report.”

This garbage is so tinfoil-hat-peppered-with-bat-crap nuts even Andrew Fucking Napolitano is debunking it. A conspiracy theory too nuts for that quack? That's like a burger Jughead Jones refuses to eat.

Oh, the President of the United States held another Klan rally last night, that's always nifty. Nothin’ quite like watching the leader of the free world lead a room full of feverish hateyokels in shrieking that immigrants are “ANIMALS” (But we're just talking about the ones in gangs WINK WINK check out the plausibleness on that deniability!)

Hey, speaking of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Lip has a new chief of staff! Fred Fleitz is one of Frank “Too racist for CPAC how is that even possible” Gaffney's hate-vomiting sidekicks. A conspiracy-spreading fanatic with a history of lying his ass off to stoke anti-Muslim hatred, advising a President as racist as he is gullible? What could go wrong?

Hey, speaking of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, we learned that Shart Garfunkel himself personally lobbied NFL owners on their revolutionary new Black Lives Matter? Nah! Anti-Kneeling policy. Dumbass still can't competently discuss any issue from opioids to the Middle East to trade, and this is how he spends his time. "Black men standing up for their rights? NOT IN MY COUNTRY, MISTER!”

Sticking with the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, Louie Gohmert has been caught shortchanging promised donations to organizations benefiting victims of Dylann Roof's massacre. Donations he promised to make in the first place because his campaign committee and PAC accepted funds from a white supremacist who “inspired” Roof. Helluva guy, that Louie Gohmert.

Oh, and speaking of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, a Harvard study reveals that the Shart Administration has been underreporting Hurricane Maria-linked deaths in Puerto Rico by a factor of ohhhhhhhh about 70, because why should the living get to hog all the dehumanization? Oppression in life, erasure in death. Stephen Miller is rock hard, I'm sure.

By the way, while we're on the subject of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, Fat Q*Bert finally weighed in on the Roseanne controversy, and while he couldn't quite bring himself to say “Maybe virulent hatred of this sort is bad, and ought to be condemned,” he did launch into yet another self-pitying diatribe about how nobody ever apologizes to him for criticizing all the vile, putrid, revolting, things he says and does. The world's tiniest violin shattered from overuse sometime in 2017, so fuck you, Donnie.

Gotta admit, I don't quite get how Shartboy's supporters look at this sad old fool, who whines like a sickly rich boy in a Victorian novel, and somehow see “strength.”

I see economic growth from the first quarter got downgraded, to 2.2%...look out, Donnie...you're running out of room on Obama's coattails!

The Senate Intelligence Committee (You know, the one that's kinda sorta almost doing some semblance of its job, unlike a certain Pigfucker-led committee which shall remain nameless) shouted “Bring Me Roger Stone!” and then Mark Warner and Richard Burr high-fived for being so clever.

Betsy DeVos lost in court in this week, and it's kind of dense, wonky, shit about loan forgiveness and privacy and it's not super funny and honestly I didn't read the whole thing but I thought you should know because Betsy DeVos lost, YAY!

The headlines tell me Kim Kardashian West met with the Grand Wizard Grifter to discuss prison reform. In related news, Sherrod Brown and Ben Cardin are planning an Oval Office meeting on the opioid crisis in which they would wear a two-man Snuffleupagus costume, with General Kelly playing along by pretending to not to be able to see them. Negotiations are currently at an impasse, however, over which Senator will occupy the costume's back end.

If you need a little pick-me-up, you could do worse than this video clip of Sarah Slanders absolutely disintegrating when a 13-year-old student journalist asks her what her team of NRA stooges plans to do to alleviate the terror of being gunned down in school that our children have to live with nowadays. As the Uncredible Huck regurgitates her usual hollow spin, you can see the tiniest hint in her otherwise-dead eyes of “Sorry, kiddo...we're the bad guys here, just pray the next shooter picks a school in the town down the road.”

Anyway, Laura Ingraham will have a deep dive on this kid's shitty spelling test grades by Thursday.

(And if you want to turn right around and feel like crap again, click on this one from the Failing New York Times about Obama struggling to deal with his dung-gargling successor's election.)

Ok, I gotta give you some good gnus after that. How about the Virginia State Senate voting to expand Medicaid under the ACA? That's the shiny NEW Virginia senate, brought to you by the Resistance-fueled blue wave that swept through in 2017! That's lives improved and saved, my friends. That's what it's all about. I know most of you are just like me, exhausted by all the bullshit and awfulness, impatient for the day when you get your chance to make a difference again...to vote again.

Well, that day is right around the corner. And let this huuuuuuuge victory in Virginia keep you warm on all the long dark nights between this moment and your fast-approaching opportunity...to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.

And now WaPo reports the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits is on the brink of escalating his dumbfuck trade war with our closest allies! Tariffs for Canada, Mexico, and the E.U., sanctions relief for the Chinese espionage company, got it. Isn't it fun when your economy rests in the hands of a malicious dipshit who filters international relations through the eyes of a grade school playground bully, with the intellect to match? (SPOILERS: no it is not fun.)

And from the last-minute scoop file, NYT reports Andrew McCabe, while serving as acting FBI director, wrote a memo, now turned over to Rugged Robert Mueller, describing a conversation where Rod Rosenstein says President Treasonweasel asked him to mention Russia in the memo he ordered Rod to write to justify the Comey firing. Memos within memos within memos.

...is anybody else sick of the expository phase of this story? Can we just skip to part where the good guys bust through the door and arrest all the crooks? Fuck.

WOW! And this is all just TWO DAYS since the last blog. The news couldn't get any crazier unless a Russian journalist and Putin critic faked his own death in an elaborate plot to thwart an assassination attempt and trap the Kremlin-connected bastards who orchestrated it, OH SHIT YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

Anyway, as you can clearly see from the assembled evidence...shit be cray. Even by Drumpf-era standards, this has been an unusually brutal week, and it's only Wednesday, so for mental health purposes, let me leave you with this delightful Weezer cover of Toto's “Africa.” You deserve it.

On Memorial Day, Your President Encourages You to Throw All That's Decent About America on the Grill

I think we need to give even more thanks than usual to our fallen military heroes this particular Memorial Day, since many of them are surely a little restless in the afterlife tonight, wondering, “Wait, I died so this Bloated Tick Grifter could assault the rule of law between rounds of golf on the taxpayer dime? Can I get a refund?”

As always, this post is available, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-memorial-day-your-president-encourages-you-to-throw-all-thats-good-and-decent-about-america-on-the-grill-and-light-that-fucker-up/

(Naturally, the Bonespur Buttplug marked the occasion by praising...himself. General Kelly surely smiled a little smile when he saw that Tweet, thinking of how he almost told his boss not to say anything self-aggrandizing on the one day we set aside to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country, but figured “Oh, don't be silly, John! Not even Donald could be THAT clueless and tone deaf!” He then returned to the task of cutting the President's overdone steak into chewable bites in preparation for their dinner meeting.)

Let's take a good hard look at this country that so many millions have died to preserve, shall we? We're tearing families at the part at the border now! We're shipping children to detention centers! We've got a prison bus for babies!

And the government even lost track of nearly 1,500 immigrant children, how about that? (Now, these aren't the same kids who're being ripped away from their parents. These are kids who show up at the border without a guardian. You need to keep your atrocities straight in 2018.) Some have even been delivered, by a racist, criminally-negligent, U.S. government, directly into the hands of human traffickers.

Can you imagine? Employees of a branch of HHS, paid by your tax dollars and mine, so careless, so lazy, so who-gives-a-shit-it's-just-a-brown-kid, that they're allowing, no wait, that's not right...that they're FACILITATING this sort of evil? “Here's your child slave, sir. Thanks for using the United States’ immigration system! MAGA!”

And Rick Santorum, that Christly fellow, said, “Whaaaaaaat? We lose people all the time! What's the big deal? I lost my keys just the other day!” and then presumably went about the rest of his day in typical Rick Santorum fashion, blissfully unaware of his own casual monstrousness, in fact likely congratulating himself on his personal moral infallibility, while smugly fantasizing about all those liberal pundits who regularly humiliate him on CNN burning forever in the Pit.

I tell you what, folks, Jesus is gonna come back any day now. He's gonna walk, slowly but purposefully, directly up to Rick Santorum, slap him like Batman slaps Robin in that meme, then walk away forever.

Somehow, despite this avalanche of news so appalling it makes you ashamed to be American, the Grand Wizard Grifter is pissed off because we're not hurting ENOUGH immigrants. Yes, he's still bellowing at Kirstjen Nielsen for not laying a minefield along the border or something. (Oh, and that article is seasoned with a little anecdote where Fuck-O makes some shitty racist gags to the delight of Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller. But don't call any of them bigots, right?)

Miller's fingerprints were all over the white nationalist liefest (or “demonstrable falsehoodfest,” if you're Maggie Haberman) Sharty McFly delivered at the Naval Academy graduation ceremony. Still, you almost have to laugh, cuz when he says “our ancestors tamed a continent,” he means “my daddy bailed me out of bankruptcy."

Putin's favorite CongressStooge Dana Rohrabacher wants to remind everyone who's dehumanizing brown people to set aside a corner in their hate-shriveled heart to dehumanize LGBT people. Dana lost a big endorsement when he insisted on the Right to Refuse to Sell Your House to Anyone who Makes the Beast with Two Backs Out of Two Beasts of the Same Gender, because he's an absolute dirtbag, but let's give a good sturdy huzzah to the National Association of Realtors for standing up for decency.

Another one of those Shady Meetings Between Russian Muckety-Mucks and High-Level Trumpkins, popped up, this time featuring Kremlin-connected oligarch Viktor Vekselberg (I shoulda bought a scorecard, but I only had enough cash to get one of those sundaes that comes in a little baseball helmet) and the Sensei of Sez-Hoo, Michael Cohen.

Anyway, I'm sure this shady meeting is finally the very last of the shady meetings, and not one of the money launderers or influence peddlers or debt-ridden real estate frauds has anything whatsoever left to hide. BREAKING: Ex-KGB Officer Discovered Living in D.C. as Jeff Sessions’ Roommate! “Ah thawt th’top bunk wuz empty!” protests the Attorney General.

New York CongressDope Peter King sees Nazism in the NFL's kneeling controversy! Not on the part of the league imposing fines in an attempt to stamp out their employees’ ability to exercise their rights to speech and protest, but to those players who silently kneel to suggest to America that hey, we think Black Lives Matter, and maybe you should too, JUST LIKE HITLER.

Your Desperately-Needed Morsel of Actual Good News for the Day? The good people of Ireland voted overwhelmingly to repeal their constitution's abortion ban! Hooray for progress but Jesus Fuck I had to cross the entire Atlantic to scrounge up something to smile about and BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED.

Anyway. Back to the shit.

The Man with Phalangeal Stunting issued an executive order making it easier to fire federal workers. Under the new rules, a squad of hooded inquisitors appointed by Steve Mnuchin will be empowered to travel from department to department, pointing randomly at employees and shrieking “I saw Goody (insert employee's name here) with the Deep State,” and the employee will be fired and/or hanged and/or burned and/or that awesome “more weight” Giles Corey thing.

Frankly I think every worker should be held to the Scott Pruitt standard. Until you've had at least a dozen front-page scandals, your job should be secure. If that Leo-melting-down-in-Act-3-of-The-Aviator-level paranoid loon is allowed to blow $3.5 million on security in just one year (because he needs to be protected from mustachioed caricatures, apparently), let's just say I have my doubts about the sincerity of this corner-cutting fever.

Ok. So, Spanish police gave the FBI recordings of some wiretapped conversations between a Russian money launderer and Alexander Torshin, who is heavily connected to both Putin AND the NRA, so this dude is basically a Bond villain, right? Does he have some sort of trademark facial deformity, or maybe a prosthetic thumb that conceals a polonium-210 dart?

While Twitter-ranting about how the portions at Boston Market have gotten smaller or how James Comey broadcasts showtune karaoke directly into the fillings of his teeth or some shit, the Candycorn Skidmark offhandedly proclaimed that a certain official who gave a certain quote to the press...simply does not exist. Now, said official indeed does exist, his name is Matt Pottinger, he has a lovely collection of Precious Moments figurines, and of course there's a recording of him not only existing but saying the very thing the President insists he didn't.

....or so the D.C. press corps would have you believe! I think it's a mistake to overlook the very real possibility that the Shart House is staffed by ghoooooooooooooooooosts.*

Princess Ivanka will be campaigning for Devin Nunes, shooting for the Guinness World Record for “Shittiest Team-Up in Human History.” Is there really a voter in the California 22nd, or anywhere on Earth, who's still on the fence about that treasonous Fucker of Pigs, but might decide to vote for him because a shoe design thief told him to? And if so, can I taint-punt him straight to the moon?

Speaking of Daddy's Little Scammer, the Chinese government granted Ivanka a bunch of shiny new trademarks, lucky girl! Dad gets half a billion in loans, Junior and Eric get a neapolitan ice cream sandwich to split (as usual, determining which brother would get the half with the chocolate came to fisticuffs. Well, slapticuffs, anyhow), and the Chinese government gets the American President working to eliminate penalties on a Chinese company that violated American sanctions! Everybody wins!

...except the United States of America and the American people, who are apparently not part of this transaction at all.

So the Shart House staff has dwindled down to a handful of the most desperate and reprehensible crotchboils on the planet, and according to Axios, they seem to spend most of their time screeching “You're the leaker!” “No, YOU'RE the leaker!” at one another, presumably while literally gnawing on their co-workers’ backs. We know this, BECAUSE IT LEAKED, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH!

Fuck it, says I; let's go full Hunger Games with these assclowns. Turn ‘em loose in a field full of hammers and staple guns, till there's only one left standing, leaking his own crazed mutterings to any reporter still willing to listen, just an Unnamed High Level Official Caked in the Blood and Gore of His Fellow Unnamed High Level Officials.

Omnipresent in the background of all this delirium is Rudolph Giuliani, who pops up on teevee periodically to spew more of his trademark scattered hateblather. From manic ravings about “Korean perjury” to openly admitting the Velveeta Vulgarian’s “Spygate” nonsense is nothing but a cynical PR ploy to rile the frothier elements of Cult45 up into a mob that'll side with a cheap crook against their own country's law enforcement community, maybe even march on the FBI when the indictments finally come down and yes he's invested in a company that produces pitchforks and torches why do you ask?

Word is, Rudy's working for the Poo Mistake for free. Heh. So did Paul Manafort. You get what you pay for, Turdmuffins...you get what you pay for.

For what it's worth, when they announced Rudy's birthday at Yankee stadium this afternoon, he got booed like a whole army of David Ortizes. If the Resistance has spread even to the bleachers, we're gonna do alright this November.

Ok, Shower Captives. I'm gonna try to get a little grilling in while the sun's still out. I'll leave you with the following headline, which, from a satirical standpoint, I simply cannot improve upon: “White nationalist David Duke says he’ll sue Donald Trump for stealing his ‘build the wall’ chant unless Trump delivers”

Good gravy.

*Well. Men in white sheets, anyway.

Getting Played by North Korea is Like Losing a Checkers Game to a Hedgehog

If this week's news were a political novel, I would compliment the author on the way she veered seamlessly between the high-stakes drama of malignant forces working to destroy the very foundations of the American experiment and the comic buffoonery of blithering idiots meddling with forces they can't begin to comprehend.

But since this is all real life, I'm hiding in my closet, screaming at the top of my fucking lungs. (As usual, you can find this post with all relevant links, on my site, at: http://showercapblog.com/getting-played-by-north-korea-is-like-losing-a-checkers-game-to-a-hedgehog/)

Yes, a sinkhole has opened on the White House lawn, and everyone has enjoyed a good sturdy laugh about it. Everyone except President Trump, who is frightened that he is the only one who hears the faint, reedy, voice emanating from it at all hours of the day, whispering “Puuuuuuuusssssssy....puuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssy within! Riiiiiiiiipe for the grabbing! Commmmmme grab usssssss Donallllllllllld!”

So, Kirstjen Nielsen casually mentioned to a group of reporters that she was unaware of the intelligence community's assessment (backed up by the Senate Intelligence Committee just last week) that Russia interfered in the 2016 election on behalf of her shitworm boss. Considering how long this information has been out there, and how widely it's been covered, I'd be upset if the barista at my coffee shop said that, but we're talking about the Secretary of the Whole Fucking Department of Homeland Security here. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SECURE THE HOMELAND IF YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHICH FOREIGN POWERS ARE STAGING COMPLEX CYBERATTACK CAMPAIGNS AGAINST US, YOU FUCKWIT?

Hey everybody, I know keeping up with the news really tests the limits of your emotional capacity these days, between the inhuman crimes of the ICEstapo and the suffering people of Puerto Rico who've been abandoned by their racist government and the victims of school shootings and the people killed by the white supremacist terrorists given succor and comfort by a shitbag Klansman President who calls them Very Fine People, but I need you to pull out your crowbar and pry open your heart just a little bit further...

Because SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS HAD HER FEE-FEES HURT.

The Uncredible Huck says it "bothers her” that everyone calls her a liar. That's like ZZ Top complaining that people are always taking about their beards. Shit, Sarah, lying is your entire goddamn job description. If you didn't lie, you'd be a motherfucking MIME.

Hey, here's a good bit for all you political humor fans! SETUP: Didja hear the one about the Cabinet-level official who banned several members of the press from a public conference? PUNCHLINE: They even had security guards physically remove one reporter! HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S FASCIST!

Seriously though, in this entire dirtbag administration, no one is quite so ready for a full authoritarian takeover as Scott Pruitt. I'm starting to think he installed that soundproof booth to plot the Reichstag Fire.

Turning things over to the sports desk for minute: fuck the NFL. Fuck ‘em right in the eye. With a claw hammer. All night long. Fuck ‘em for selling out free speech. Fuck ‘em for giving in to the shittiest losers our country has produced since Strom Thurmond's final breath creaked out from his decrepit, rotting, evil, flesh.

And of course Mike Pants did an undignified little victory dance (though he did not gyrate his hips excessively, for the Lord frowns upon such lasciviousness) at this setback to the first amendment, this crotch punt to the right to protest, this white supremacist boot on the neck of a predominately African-American workforce. Cuz Mikey Hairshirt is racist trash.

Cowboy Ryan Zinke has targeted some of the last remaining obstacles to American Graytnuss, Obama-era rules prohibiting hunters from killing hibernating wolf cubs on public lands, among other restrictions. Also, if you come across a sleeping unicorn foal, you can just beat it to death with a rock now.

If you still require evidence that we're all locked in some sort of other-dimensional fun house, this week we learned that the Marmalade Shartcannon's tweets are sometimes composed not by the Bloat himself, but by staffers, who emulate his “writing style” by capitalizing random words, peppering posts liberally with unnecessary exclamation points, and running their work through a “What if I were an unusually dense third grader” translator. The principle being, “Writing like a moron connects him to his moron base.” This must be that American Exceptionalism I'm always hearing about.

Michael Cohen's partner, the so-called “Taxi King” wasted little time in rolling over on the President's thuggish fixer boy, accepting a plea deal and cooperating with government prosecutors. No word at this time on how this will affect the succession to the Taxi Throne, but I bet Cohen's gotten so used to pissing his pants whenever he reads the latest news, he's taken to wearing diapers.

Speaking of Mickey Dead Eyes, the BBC dug up a sordid little episode where Ukraine bribed him to the tune of $400,000 to set up a meeting with the Velveeta Vulgarian. And the meeting went so well, Ukrainian officials immediately dropped their investigation into Paul Manafort and stopped cooperating with the Mueller probe! MONEY WELL SPENT!

For those keeping score at home, just as with the ZTE/China/sanctions story, the official policy of the United States of America is up for sale, and there's nothing this cabal of grifters won't trade for their own personal enrichment. And as long as Mitch McConnell gets his judges, he'll watch everything that's decent and good about this country go up in flames, and won't even piss on the fire to put it out.

...god, I wish I believed in Hell.

A federal judge ruled that the Poo Mistake is constitutionally prohibited from blocking American citizens from viewing his Twitter feed. And we all know much violating the Constitution bothers him. I'm sure he'll get right on unblocking everybody, after he's deported the entire Washington press corps and bombed FBI headquarters to rubble.

Saudi Arabia threw a little party this week, because the Jared Kushner General Store & State Secrets Emporium is back open for business! Yes, despite countless undisclosed meetings with foreign officials and a few dozen amendments to his disclosure forms, Fredo Squared finally has his permanent security clearance! Bail his shitty family out of their Manhattan real estate debacle, and he'll use the U.S.A.'s state of the art satellite system to give you precise GPS coordinates for the spies operating in YOUR country!

Anyway, if Jar-Jar can get his clearance, I bet I can get served at the Denny's in my college town even though I peed on the salad bar that night I tried Tequila for the first time. They said I wasn't allowed back, but clearly consequences are a thing of the past.

Word is, the Kush Ball sat down for a second interview with Mueller's crew. I'm sure he dutifully parroted the latest version of his father-in-law's agreed-upon spin, confident that unlike all the other previous times, nobody will find out anything beyond what's already out there in the press. And if he didn't notice Bodacious Bob's subtle grin, well, chalk it up to the unearned self-regard of a white boy born into extravagant wealth.

Somebody threw their drink at Tammy Lasorda or whatever her fucking name is, and now we're having another conversation about what courtesy is owed to hate mongers. Here's Cap's take: while y’all are clutching your pearls about etiquette, these people are trying to destroy the courts, the press, the FBI, and OUR SHARED FUCKING OBJECTIVE REALITY. Tonya should have drinks thrown on her whenever she tries walking into a room full of decent people.

That goes for Richard Spencer and Milo and Stephen Miller and Sarah Slanders and Mike Pants and ALL OF THEM. These fucks are not worried about YOUR feelings, I promise you.

Speaking of Hate-mongering Crapgeysers, Alex Jones keeps on accumulatin’ lawsuits, which couldn't happen to a nicer guy unless maybe they dug up Mr. Rogers. Six more, from Sandy Hook families and an FBI agent who responded to the shooting. I hope he got the punch card, he'll get 15% off the next settlement! Of course, by then, he won't have any assets beyond the lifetime supply of yogurt he's legally required to apologize to twice a day.

Hot on the heels of their failed “Just because he committed Honey Bunches of Money Laundering Crimes doesn't mean you can prosecute them, Mr. Fancypants Robert Mueller!” gambit, Paul Manafort's lawyers are trying to get the evidence seized by the FBI in their raids of his home and storage unit thrown out, on the grounds that Holy Shit That is Some Damning-Ass Evidence and We Would Much Rather the Jury Didn't See It. Gotta try, I suppose.

Betsy DeVos is totally down with any shitsack public school teacher who feels like summoning ICE to deport any brown kids breathing all the white kids’ air, because she is a goddamn monster. “It's a local community decision,” snarled the DeVostator, and if the local community wants to whiten its whites like OxiClean, who is she to judge?

If I can put on my best Rachel McAdams for a moment...Donnie. Stop trying to make “Spygate” happen. It's not going to happen.

As the walls close ever in on him, the Grand Wizard Grifter keeps throwing more and more eggs in Goebbels’ famous “Big Lie” basket. I don't know that the original Nazis reckoned with the problems the Big Lie would encounter when told by a known mendacious goon (a "Shart who cried wolf,” if you will) with an inescapable reputation for lying about everything from his crowd sizes to his height and weight.

Still, Tangerine Idi Amin keeps ranting about his little self-spun conspiracy tale at every available opportunity, perhaps hoping that once the reports are all written and every detail of his life of crime has been dragged from the shadows for all the world to see, he'll have so thoroughly brainwashed his small army of rubes that they'll wage war on the FBI for him.

Anyway. I think in future presidential debates, they should ask the candidates, “Which, if any, of the institutions of American democracy would you be willing to destroy to cover your own ass?” (Rick Perry woulda been all, “the Department of Commerce, the Department of Education and OOPS I FORGOT THE THIRD ONE LOW-HANGING RICK PERRY FRUIT WUT WUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!)

Still, he managed to parlay his Mueller fanfic into some briefings by the FBI on their informant, yes, INFORMANT, even though “spy” sounds much cooler and more sinister. At first, they actually tried excluding Democrats altogether, with a special briefing just for shittiest pro-Drumpf shills in the House, but that proved to be too much fuckery for even these Constitution-shredding turdwaffles, and so the entire bipartisan Gang of Eight was allowed to attend.

Still, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes had his own private meeting. Hopefully he got patted down for markers and scissors and x-acto knives. And matches.

Oh, and Shart House lawyer Emmet Flood and John Kelly showed up for the beginning of the meetings, too! The meetings sharing classified information from an investigation into potential criminal acts by the President and his team. Jesus. If Obama pulled shit like this, Sean Hannity would've called on his viewers to dig trenches and secede.

Well, after weeks of frantic expectations-lowering ("What if we call it a win if Kim Jong-un doesn't steal any towels from the hotel?”) Shart Garfunkel finally threw in the towel (or, more likely, after several feeble attempts to throw in the towel with his wee inadequate hands, called General Kelly into the Oval Office and ordered him to attend to all necessary towel-throwing) on the Singapore Summit Where He Honestly Believed North Korea Would Trade Their Nukes for a Handful of Shiny Beads.

It's a real shock that Drumpfy's plan, which mostly involved skipping straight to the praise-gathering without all that pesky diplomacy, failed to untangle one of the global community's biggest challenges. The whole thing was supposed to magically fall into place because he was so much smarter/tuffer/whiter than Obama, easy-peasy, I'll need individual copies of that Nobel Prize for each golf course thank you very much.

Looking to shore up his dirtbag base following the North Korea debacle, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops offhandedly suggested maybe deportation would be a fitting punishment for those dirty anthem-kneelers, with their treasonous insistence that Black Lives Matter and what have you. (What if you don't know the words to the anthem, Don? Do you get deported then?)

He certainly understands his supporters. They don't need victories, abroad or domestically. They don't even seem to want better jobs or lower taxes or cheaper health care. A little venom, a little hatred, a reason to gather ‘round the campfire and shriek “lock her up” at perceived enemies every now and then, that's enough...that Orwell fellah knew a thing or two about human nature, didn't he?

Toupee Fiasco also seems to be toying with a plan to withhold foreign aid from countries that fail to keep their Animals and When We Say Animals We Just Mean the Gang Members WINK WINK from immigrating to the U.S., because he's worried that maybe there's still an ounce or two of America’s goodwill he's yet to squander.

Roger Stone got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, asking for hawt Wikileaks-stolen Hilldawg action during the 2016 campaign. And so Stone joins the ballooning list of Trumpkins who've been caught lying to Congress. It's weird how Republicans will keep opening and reopening investigations into Democrats (especially Lady Democrats who run for President) in the total absence of criminal wrongdoing, but they won't lift a finger when incontrovertible proof of one of their own breaking the law turns up.

And now CNN reports that Mueller has started poking around in Roger's personal finances, so yeah, that pompous old fool is going to jail.

Speaking of Shitbags destined for incarceration, we're told Julian Assange has possibly worn out his welcome in the Ecuadorian embassy. If I wasn't so busy crying for Sarah Sanders, I would cry for you, Julian.

That's just three days worth of madness, Resisters. THREE DAYS. Under Obama, I feel like I didn't even read a newspaper at all in 2013. Three days with Drumpf, I'm like...I wrote so much, is anybody gonna read this shit?

The Day the NRA Bullshit Well Ran Dry, & Other Fuckery From Various Fuckheads (Shower Cap/Ferret)

Fuck, y’all. So much madness in the news today, it's like the Bridge on the River Kwai collapsed on top of the American Horror Story: Asylum set while Michele Bachmann was leading a tour.

(And you can find this post, and many others, with nifty links to all relevant news, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-day-the-nra-bullshit-well-ran-dry-other-fuckery-from-various-fuckheads/)

The Republican-led House of Representatives failed to pass the Fucking Farm Bill, which would be sort of like you failing to successfully brush your teeth. Like, you just keep ramming the brush into your eye socket over and over again till you're bloody and blind. Paul Ryan has this ridiculously unearned reputation as the wonkiest wonk who ever wonked, and yet he can't accomplish the legislative equivalent of putting on his socks before his shoes.

...not that such colossal failures stopped some anonymous rich jagoff from tossing Ryan's political nonprofit group 24.6 million dollars. God, I'd love to be that well-paid for being that shitty at my job. Like, I'm a failed actor, can I get some Koch brother to at least cover my car insurance?

Desperate to turn out the slobbering zombies in his shit-huffing “base” to fend off the coming mid-term electoral drubbing, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, in conjunction with Mike Pants’ team of giddy theocrats, is attempting some circus-level legal contortionism to strip funding from Planned Parenthood, because I guess they forgot that women can vote. The future is female, you Taliban wannabes, and it's getting ready to tap-dance all over your groins. In heels.

I know many struggling Americans, particularly in the Rust Belt, are anxiously waiting for the President to deliver on his campaign promise to bring high-wage manufacturing and mining jobs back to their economically distressed communities. WELL, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT A LITTLE LONGER, CAMPERS, because Fat Q*Bert has more important shit on his plate.

...shit like settling old scores with Jeff Bezos, that cocky little fucker who has the balls to be richer than his own President, WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? Plus he owns a newspaper that refuses to toe the State TV propaganda line? Bald asshole's just ASKING for trouble.

And he's getting it. President Crotchvoid may not have time to develop a plan to bring jobs back, but when it comes to pestering the Postmaster General to raise Amazon's shipping charges, TELL GENERAL KELLY TO HOLD MY CALLS.

It's enough to make you think that maybe giving awesome political power to a stupid, self-absorbed, grievance-driven, thug wasn't the best idea.

So, Rudy Giuliani has taken it upon himself, in his got-my-ass-fired-by-my-law-firm retirement, to do everything in his power to burn the pillars of American democracy to the ground so that his buddy Don doesn't have to pay for his crimes. (To enhance this section of tonight's blog, play Dionne Warwick's “That's What Friends Are For” in the background.) To that end, he waddles out onto th’teevee all the time to spin and dissemble and lie. One of his favorite points to belch up, like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, is that the President cannot be subpoenaed to testify, because he's worried about “perjury traps,” just like every other totally innocent dude's lawyer.

Trouble is, Mayor 9-11's position was a wee bit different when the President in question was a member of the opposing party.

And one of his recent interviewers slapped Rudy in the face with the Big Fat Dick of His Own On-the-Record Statements. And “America's Mayor” responded like a spoiled little rich kid who got caught shoplifting: he threw a temper tantrum.

Can you imagine being so pathetic that, when confronted with recorded evidence of our own hypocrisy, you can't think of any response more dignified than whining about “unfairness?”

Good news can be hard to come by these days, but godDAMN it's satisfying watching the walls close in on Roger Stone. Yet another Stone lackey has been subpoenaed by the Mueller investigation, no doubt to answer hard questions like, “Does that ridiculous old man really imagine he's pulling off those suits?”

Gone is the Bring Me Roger Stone cockiness of old, and now he's whining about the “extraneous crime” he's likely to be indicted for now that law enforcement is finally poking around in his drawers. Even his own former personal Wormtongue, Sam Nunberg, predicts an Indictment-o-gram for his old boss in the near future. The moment these treasonweasonals transition from arrogance to fear is positively delectable, don't you think?

While our scumfuck racist dirtbag President was busy dehumanizing immigrants, yet another shitty white boy terrorist committed mass-murder at an American school, apparently at least in part because a girl wouldn't go out with him. Oh, and he had a more-than-casual interest in Nazi imagery. One of the President's Very Fine People, no doubt.

Now, there were armed guards at this school. Two of them. For years now, the maniac gunhumper crowd has assured us shooters exclusively target gun-free zones, which was always ridiculous, because shooters target the people they feel like murdering, even when there are multiple armed guards in the building. OBVIOUSLY.

Anyway, the NRA's last ridiculous argument has collapsed like a house of straw before the Big Bad Wolf of logic and observable evidence, so now their loyal toadies in the Republican Party are desperately scrambling for something, ANYTHING to take the blame off the easier-to-obtain-than-Drake-tickets murder machines plaguing our nation, because they're more worried about losing Wayne LaPierre's campaign donations than about your children losing their lives.

Because they are evil. Not misguided, not misinformed, EVIL. Human life is supposed to matter to you. If it doesn't, you're either a sociopath, or you're morally broken. It's like opposing cancer research because you didn't want to lose funding from the powerful tumor lobby. It's evil. Call it what it is. (Which, if I haven't been clear, is evil.)

Oliver North blamed Ritalin, presumably before selling a fuckton of industrial strength Ritalin to Iran. Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick says the problem is schools have too many doors, so in the future, Texas schoolchildren will be forced to choose between gun safety and fire safety upon entering kindergarten. You'll be given a piece of paper with one drawing of Kermit the Frog, engulfed in flames, choking to death on smoke, and one of Miss Piggy bleeding out from a chest wound, and you circle the drawing you prefer. THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

Conservative Thought-Leader-Mostly-Because-He-Has-Glasses-and-Can-Tie-His-Shoes-I-Guess Hugh Hewitt figures the problem is trench coats, so maybe we should try trench coat control or at least mandate universal background checks before all trench coat sales WE MUST CLOSE THE TRENCH COAT SHOW LOOPHOLE.

John Cornyn blamed Season 3, Episode 8 of the Drew Carey Show. Roger Wicker blamed the lack of year-round McRib availability. Matt Bevin trembled, shook his fist at the sky, and simply screamed “KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN.”

Anything. ANYTHING to drag the conversation, kicking, screaming, and stained with the blood of countless children, away from common-sense gun control. Villainous.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE...Some very fancy, very very rich people got married in England, I guess. I'm told there were a great number of hats. I wouldn't mention it here, but for a choice bit of of trolling referencing Sharty McFly’s crowd sizes, which remain as tiny, feeble, and uninspiring as his embarrassing childlike fingers.

Orange Julius Caesar, being the walking definition of a bully, loooooooves to talk tough, but always, ALWAYS backs down when confronted. Distressingly, for America anyways, everybody on Planet Earth knows this, and behaves accordingly when “negotiating” with the Shart of the Deal.

Thus, I am pleased to announce a new recurring subsection here on the Ol’ Political Poo Joke Blog...The Possibly Incomplete List of Persons, Places, and Things that Totally Cucked Donald Trump Over the Last Few Days!

Let's dive right in, shall we?

NORTH KOREA! With his fantasy Nobel turning to sand right before his eyes, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet cancelled a planned joint U.S./South Korea military exercise, because Kim Jong-un cucked him like few cucks have e’er been cucked. In summation: cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

CHINA! Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops promised a big bad trade war that would bring China to its knees, crying into the business end of his too-long necktie, begging for mercy! What actually happened is the Chinese threatened heavy retaliation (and stopped buying American soybeans) and Mr. Tuff Guy totally backed down in exchange for...JACK SHIT! Secretary Mnuchbag slithered out to announce the surrender.

(Well, the United States got Jack Shit. The President got half a billion dollars in loans for a resort his company is co-developing in Indonesia. It fun swapping the national interest for the Grand Wizard Grifter's personal enrichment, isn't it?)

HIS OWN WIFE'S NAME! Hey, texting is hard when you have janky baby hands!

Who will cuck our President in the days and weeks to come? Tune in to find out!

Shower Cap's crack team of investigative reporters have uncovered Shartboy, Jr.'s Ashley Madison profile! Under “likes,” he lists “futile quests for my sociopathic father's approval,” “colluding with foreign officials to steal elections,” and “Franklin & Bash marathons.”

Yes, yet another secret meeting has surfaced, this time featuring Blackwater Mercenary Honcho Erik Prince, an Israeli social media guru, and a stooge for a couple of super-rich Arab princes. You'll recognize the stooge in question, George Nader, from such memorable episodes as "George Nader detained by the FBI upon reentering the country,” “George Nader cooperating with Mueller investigation,” and the timeless classic, “George Nader Arrested for Child Pornography.”

...I'm sure these new revelations of the President's shitweasel son's boneheaded crime spree have nothing to do with the ensuing Trumper Tantrum/Twitter meltdown. Nothing at all.

(By the way, while I was writing this, the AP dropped a deep dive into this John-Grisham-wouldn't-sign-his-name-to-this-shit-it's-too-over-the-top corruption shitshow. Nice to learn that the whole Qatar crisis has been enabled by a couple of criminally-convicted Drumpf cronies for the sake of their own personal enrichment. This swamp is just the draindest-ass swamp I've ever seen.)

It looks like both Junior and Prince lied to Congress about all this shit, which is a crime. Of course, Trey Gowdy and Paul Ryan wouldn't prosecute anyone tied this administration even if they found a drawer full of moist femurs in Stephen Miller's office, so justice'll have to wait until we flip the House this November.

Having failed to convince the world that Obama was surveilling Trump Tower (through those tricksy microwave cameras, right Kellyanne?), the Accidental Poosquirt has now decided to go all in on some bullshit story about his predecessor ordering the FBI to plant a mole in his 2016 campaign, because he's looking for a lie big enough to embarrass Goebbel's ghost. I'll let the real journalists walk you through the fact check.

(What the Dipshit Dotard doesn't know is, the REAL infiltrator was Eric Holder, who would disguise himself as Steve Bannon by wearing a mask made from the scrotum of a measles-stricken whale, and dousing his suit in cheap gin.

...and Rod Rosenstein placated him like a toddler, rolling his eyes while expanding the DoJ inspector general's mandate to "whatever horseshit happens to be dropping from the Idiot Manchild President's mouth today.”

And Rudy Giuliani opened the chasm of horrors known as “Rudy Giuliani's hideous mouth” and proclaimed that Bashful Bob Mueller told him the whole investigation into Toupee Fiasco's many crimes should be wrapped up by September 1st, and everybody believes Rudy's telling the truth and not just pulling an arbitrary deadline out of his ass to manufacture artificial parameters to pretend to get angry about when the time comes.

Reached for comment, Mueller said only, “I'll have to get back to you. My eyes rolled so hard they detached from my optic nerves and are still spinning at damn near light speed. I may have discovered perpetual motion.”

I see the RNC shelled out half a million clams (I've been watching old movies lately) for Hope Hicks’ lawyers. I wonder, does that even register with the frothy rubes of Cult45? You donate your hard-earned money to this grifter who used the power you gave him to shave six or seven zeros off his own tax bill, but hasn't done shit for you, and now his crooked collaborators are spending your donations on high-end lawyers.

...It's a magnificent con, if nothing else.

And now the Failing New York Times reports Shart Garfunkel maybe kinda sorta wants to back out of his much-ballyhooed Singapore Summit with Kim Jong-un, because suddenly he smells embarrassment and failure (super-familiar odors to his spray-tanned nostrils after seven decades of fucking up everything he touches) instead of adoration and Nobel Prizes, because that's was it was always about, right? Not stabilizing the region, or disarming a rogue regime, just one more attempt to fill the gaping hole in the center of the President's soul that opened when a unloving father shipped his ass to military school.

The Not at All Racist How Dare You Even Suggest We're Racist (Miller, Take Off Your Hood, the Cameras are Here!) crew squatting in the White House issued a press release making sure everyone knows how proud they are of their insertion of the word “animal” into the immigration debate, calling people “animals” eight times in a single document, and hey, we're just talking about the gangs, not every immigrant WINK WINK and if we've got Border Patrol agents feelin’ so frisky they're just detaining anybody they hear speaking Spanish, well, that's just a zany coincidence I assure you, SOMEBODY TELL GORKA NOT TO SET THE CROSS ON FIRE UNTIL THE PRESS LEAVES.

Everybody congratulate Neil Gorsuch! SCOTUS's freshest, wettest, asshole finally got to take the true power of his stolen seat out for a drive today, doing his humble best to shit directly down the throats of America's working class. Neal celebrated with a fine mousse flavored with syrup distilled from the sweat scraped directly off the foreheads of single mothers at the precise moment they collapse from exhaustion after working their third job.

Recently Promoted Diplomat Cosplayer Mike Pompeo gave a little speech on Iran. Having unilaterally violated the previously-existing deal in not just bad, but pissed-on-the-toilet-seat-and-crapped-in-the-shower faith, Pompeo now demands Iran give the U.S. its entire wishlist, up to and including the Supreme Leader's prized collection of Original Mint-in-the-Box Cabbage Patch Dolls, in return for a suitcase full of farts. Once again, the raw deal-making prowess of these assclowns is a sight to behold.

The Obamas signed a big development deal with Netflix, and the predictable squealing about boycotts surfaced almost immediately, so y’all better catch up on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt before the awesome economic juggernaut of the right wing jagosphere destroys the streaming service once and for HAHAHAHAHHAHAH I can't even finish that sentence.

Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship has apparently developed a taste for homicide, and he wants more! This time, he's coming for the ingrates of the West Virginia Republican Party, who so selfishly ticked the “not the felon whose negligence killed a bunch of miners” box in their Senate primary a little while back. Now Death-Dealing Donny wants to run a fatally vote-splitting third-party, "FOR HATE'S SAKE I SPIT MY LAST BREATH AT THEE” campaign, and not even WV's sore loser law may be enough to stop him.

Democrats added an anti-corruption message to their midterm electoral strategy, betting that the American people can imagine better uses for their tax dollars than financing a lazy President's weekly golf vacations. Or Ben Carson's dining room. Or Ryan Zinke's luxury travel. Or Scott Pruitt's creepy soundproof wankoff booth. Or Devin Nunes’ extravagant porcine brothel excursions.

CNN reports a gaggle of shit-encrusted “outside advisors” featuring such prize specimens as Steve Bannon and Corey Lewandowski are urging Don the Con to paint Rod Rosenstein as some sort of Deep State High Priest maliciously manufacturing fake evidence to bring down America's beloved Dear Leader while 44 Presidential portraits weep blood over the injustice of it all. Fuck it, why not? The rubes will believe literally anything you tell them, and the rest of us understand you're lying every time you open you mouth. Say Rosenstein's the anti-Christ. Say he's a space alien. Say he's running a pedophile ring out of a pizza joint if you're feeling particularly bold.

Lord, the Candycorn Skidmark can't even navigate his office's simplest ceremonial responsibilities without being an absolute ass. Congratulating some sort of NASCAR champion (not knocking it, just not my jam), he couldn't resist making a crack about standing during the national anthem, because he's anti-free speech, which is not a quality I generally seek in a President.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens gets a little Trumpier every day, doesn't he? Now he's got a Special Prosecutor of his very own! No word on whether the experimental finger-shrinking treatments are working yet.

Politico tells us Tonight's Post Was Very Long and I'm Out of Nicknames But Please Assume I Called the President Something Hilarious insists on using unsecured personal cell phones, maybe because he thinks it's funny that every government on Earth, down to Luxembourg and Barbados, knows more about his personal communications than John Kelly. Anyhow, I'm sure Trey Gowdy's passionate feelings about digital security will resurface any minute now.

...holy shit. Either all that crap really happened, or I'm plugged into the Matrix and they mixed some bath salts in the feeding tube today. Either way, I need a damn drink. I'll see you in a few days, Shower Captives...
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