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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 191

Journal Archives

Oh Rudy, You're So Fine, You're So Fine You DEAR GOD MAN WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TEETH (Ferret!)

Hey folks, let me start by apologizing in advance; I'm sure to miss a bunch of shit today. The moving truck comes tomorrow, and I can FINALLY complete the big migration to the new Cap Cave. As you can imagine, transporting all my state-of-the-art Shart-fighting equipment is tricky business.

(As is customary, you can check out this post, with informative links, at: http://showercapblog.com/oh-rudy-youre-fine-youre-fine-dear-god-man-happened-teeth/)

Now that Larry Kudlow has failed upwards from TV to the highest halls of political power, BOY is he ever gettin’ a mouth on him! He went after Nikki Haley, saying she got confused, like womenfolk do, about Russia sanctions, and then Haley stepped on his neck and made him say “uncle,” which I'm told was a shameful thing to say under duress in times gone by.

Some sections of the internet eagerly proclaimed Haley a feminist hero, apparently forgetting who it is she fucking works for, and whose policies she spends her days implementing.

To drive the point home, let's check in on what the Trump/Haley United Nations crew has been up to, shall we? Oh, they're pushing massively regressive anti-women's-rights policies straight out of Mike Pants’ dream journal? NEAT!

Spare me the Noble Nikki takes, is all I'm saying.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell kicked a puppy and dipped his withered old man balls in the fondue pot, and god knows what else in his ongoing quest to become the most disliked man on the planet. To that end, he says he won't even allow a bill protecting the Mueller investigation on the floor, TAKE THAT DEMOCRACY!

But Chuck Grassley is pushing the bill through committee anyhow, setting up a showdown between two of the Senate's shittiest prunes. How will they settle their differences? Murder, She Wrote trivia?

Oh, and Yertle's looking at extending the Senate work week, so vulnerable red state Democrats won't have time to campaign back home. How 'bout we show him what we're made of, toss a little spare cash to Joe Donnelly, Heidi Heitkamp, and Joe Manchin, so they can ride that sweet sweet blue wave to new six-year terms?*

Three parents of victims of the Sandy Hook shooting are suing Screechy Hate Poppet Alex Jones for defamation, apparently ungrateful for the way Jones’ conspiracy-mongering has enriched their lives with the gift of Death Threats From Maniacs. Hope you take him for every fucking thing he owns, down to the BBQ crumbs in his chest hair.

If Sean Hannity worked at any news outlet on the planet, he would've lost his job for covering the Michael Cohen raid without disclosing that he's one of Cohen's clients-except-not-really-but-trust-me-all-our-discussions-are-super-privileged-even-though-he's-in-no-way-my-lawyer. Luckily for Sean, he works for Fux "Nooz,” so the extent of his discipline will fall somewhere between Jack Shit and You Have to Eat All the Mr. Goodbars When We Buy a Hershey's Miniatures Mix.

Karen McDougal has been released from her hush money contract with the National Enquirer, and is now free to tell her story. Do we really want this, America? It's probably a lot of information about just how the Dopey Diminutive Dotard likes his hemorrhoids massaged during sex acts.

A surprise new leader emerged in the Cabinet Grifting Pool, as trade rep Robert Lighthizer blew nearly a million bucks worth of our money on office furniture! Ben Carson felt so inadequate upon learning this that he commissioned a brand new portrait, this time of him beating Jesus at thumb wrestling.

Michael Cohen will be dropping libel suits against Fusion GPS and Buzzfeed, after realizing he's spent the last three months arguing in his apartment with his own echo, shouting “Says who?” at himself at ever-escalating volume.

The inventor of bump stocks has decided to shut down his bump-stock-making company, but can somebody call up this guy and ask him why “mass murder should be easier!” was a thought that occurred to him in the first place?

Barbara Bush died, and the goddamn Shart House lacks the competence to send out a fucking condolence message without getting bloody date wrong. We're being governed by people who repeatedly fail on a grade school level. Like, when they try launching nukes at North Korea, can we be confident that they haven't accidentally aimed them at Poughkeepsie?

Perhaps in honor of the Bushes, Dorito Mussolini declared “READ MY LIPS! NO NEW TAX RETURNS!” Yes, Shithead not only still refuses to release his taxes to the public, he couldn't even file on time, because he can't do one fucking thing right. I swear, he's probably locked in a bathroom right now.

So, the Tennessee state government decided to punish their own constituents, because the city government in Memphis decided they didn't want monuments to the treasonous losers known as “Th’Confederacy” stinking up their air anymore. So the Republican-controlled legislature clawed back $250,000 in previously-allocated funding. Because open evil is the hot new thing in conservative politics these days. (See Greitens, Eric)

To the GOP finks governing Tennessee, statues of dead traitors are more important than living humans. And surely it's a coincidence that Memphis is majority African-American, right? RIGHT?

Checking in with Mr. Greitens, he...wow. He's basically Diet Shart, isn't he? Fresh off new felony campaign finance accusations, (on top of the HORRIFYING RAPE CHARGES, by the way) Eric's basically barricaded himself in his office, screaming "COME AT ME BRO" at pretty much the entire state of Missouri.

Stormy Daniels released a composite sketch of the man she claims threatened her on behalf of the future American President. Drumpf proclaimed the sketch a “con job,” irate because it looks NOTHING like the thug he sends to threaten his former sexual partners! The President of the United States will not stand idly by while Vinnie No-Knees’ reputation is impugned!

There was a new, island-wide blackout in Puerto Rico, just a casual reminder that your federal government has abandoned millions of American citizens to needless torment because of the color of their skin. Anyway, this seems like a really great time to tell me more about how Hillary is just as bad as Trump.

Actually, don't tell me. Hop a flight down to San Juan. Get a soapbox. You'll be popular.

Everybody congratulate Scott Pruitt! This crook finally has so many scandals, he needs a special article just to keep them all straight! Folks, the right wing dipshitosphere would've called for armed insurrection if Obama refused to fire a Cabinet level official who pulled even half this shit.

The Senate passed a resolution allowing Tammy Duckworth (or any Senator, really) to bring her shiny new baby onto the floor during votes. Regrettably, a second resolution, mandating Rand Paul's desk be replaced with a dunk tank, was filibustered.

KKKris KKKobach was held in kontempt of kourt, because apparently “But Your Honor, I'm a wealthy white male” isn't quiiiiiite good enough to get you out of following a judge's orders. At least this time. If he winds up in jail, will they strip him of his voting rights?

And gosh, it's been a really shitty week for white supremacist losers in Kansas! Three of the sorriest specimens of “racial superiority” you'll ever scrape off your shoe got their loser asses convicted on terrorism charges, possibly because of the terrorist attack they were recorded planning. Enjoy jail, losers! You’ll be displeased to learn that being a member of the “master race” doesn't even get you a discount in the commissary.

Mike Pompeo's confirmation as the next Secretary of State hangs by a thread, so Team Cudbrain figured they'd secretly send him to North Korean to meet with Kim Jong-un, because “surprise, we've let him do the job already,” is what passes for a good idea amongst these twits.

Look, I fucking despise Ted Cruz, but even I got the embarrassment shivers reading the prose handjob he gave Boss Turd in Time Magazine. Bro. This jag insulted your wife. Your Dad. No wonder Beto's surging in the polls...I ask you, Texans, if a guy won’t stand up for his own family, do you really think he'll stand up for you?

Beto's new campaign slogan: “I am the only candidate in this race who can stand the sight of his own face in the mirror.”

A procedural vote to advance the nomination of the comically, distressingly, under-qualified James Bridenstine to head NASA was locked dramatically in a tie! Until Jeff Flake dashed onto the Senate floor...to change his vote! You almost imagined Jeffy grew some principles there for a second, didn'tcha?

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Flake teased us further! He was like “Y'know, I haven't made up my mind, I'm not just a party-line puppet, I think for myse-why are you all laughing?” And then he marched out and voted to confirm the clown anyway. Because OF COURSE HE DID.

There are two big takeaways here. First, Jeff Flake likes attention. Second, he is a sad, spineless, little man, and the Senate will be infinitely better off without him.

Well, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and his crew of collaborators are getting their grubby little mitts on the famed Comey memos. I look forward to their trademark Mad Libs-style selective leaking. Maybe Devin'll try scribbling incriminating notes in the margins, (“Oh man, the Deep State is gonna OWN this doofus!”) but the bacon grease residue will give him away.

Renowned Historical Scholar Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for "My Dad Paid Cash to a Forger for my High School Diploma”) remarked “Human trafficking is worse than it’s ever been in the history of the world,” because he really doesn't wanna lose that Confederate Monument crowd.

...maybe we should put a lock on the nuclear codes, where the user has to pass a 7th grade history test before he's allowed to launch? I'd sleep better.

The fuck is this? The DoJ IG (E-I-E-I-O!) sent a possible criminal referral of Andrew McCabe to a U.S. attorney? I'm bleary-eyed-stoned on packing tape fumes right now, I don't have time to do the deep reading on this. Is it as shady as it looks at first glance?

And now Rudy Giuliani is joining the Velveeta Vulgarian's legal team? I confess, it would be amusing to watch his teeth rot right out of his head in the middle of the impeachment trial...

Rudy seems to think he can clear up this whole “Russia investigation” thing in a couple of weeks. Heh. He also thought he could wait till the Florida primary to start his Presidential campaign.

Our ol’ chum Precious Paul Manafort was back in the news today, with DoJ telling a judge the #Manafucked one is suspected of being the Shart campaign's back channel to Boris and Natasha and Ivan Drago and whoever else. Who could imagine a career money-launderer with longstanding ties to Russian organized crime figures, desperate to get out of debt, would have volunteered to run a Presidential campaign for free, and not done so out of the purity radiating from his every pore?

The Kushners need no longer fear subpoenas envy! They've received federal subpoenas of their very own, regarding their shifty-ass slumlord fuckery. In related news, researchers at Yale now project 1 in 5 Americans will be serving on grand juries investigating various members of the Trump administration by 2019.

Folks, I know I've missed a bunch of shit, but the movers are gonna be here in 12 hours, and I still haven't packed my mask. The good news is, I'll be back to my regular posting schedule pretty dang soon. Thanks for hanging in with me, I appreciate the hell out of it.

*Yes I saw Heitkamp is voting to confirm Pompeo. No, I don't like it. Yes, we're still better off with her in the seat than a North Dakota Republican. Remember the ACA vote? The tax bill vote?

Shower Cap will return...in SHARTFINGER

Coming This Fall From Marvel: Sean Hannity and the TAINT TEAM! (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Holy hell, folks. It’s like America moved into a giant cave, filled with bats, and they're just showering layer after layer of batshit insanity down upon our weary heads.

Well. Strap on your seatbelt and get ready for another installment. (Which you can find, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/coming-fall-marvel-sean-hannity-taint-team/)

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin is one of those Tea Party extremists who loathes nothing quite so much as when the peasant classes rise up to demand a little human dignity, rather than simply appreciating the scenic view they've been gifted, of their overlords’ bootheels.

In a frothy plutocrat rage, Bevin denounced striking teachers as enablers of pedophilia, and no, I'm not making that up. Conspicuously silent when his party funded an actual serial child molester's Senate campaign, Matt was pretty dang certain these teachers were responsible for untold horrors, with their petty demands for “a living wage.”

We're told “Trump fatigue” was a contributing factor in Paul Ryan's decision to walk away from politics and spend more time on the secluded farm property where he houses the homeless men he hunts for sport. Well, Mr. Speaker, the nation is suffering from “Trump enabler fatigue,” and we're looking forward to a surgical procedure designed to remove the problem. The doc has us scheduled for November 6th.

Baron Fatfuk Harkonnen pardoned Scooter Libby, whose sentence had already been commuted by W, so...what, does he get a badge he can sew on his backpack now? What's the next step, beyond freedom from consequences, will he get tangible rewards for his crimes? Maybe the next Republican President will make him an ambassador?

Anyway, everyone can see this is Littlefinger's signal to anyone sweating under Bodacious Bob Mueller's lights; I'm sure he's ordered a whole post-it pad of those pardon forms, and keeps it on his desk where everybody can see it. Shit, maybe he'll raffle one off at the Cabinet X-mas party.

If you happened to have a fetish for “news stories about Donald Trump's shady lawyer finding himself in an ever-deepening sea of shit,” last Friday must've been orgasmic!

First we learned that the investigation into Cohen wasn't just an offshoot of the Mueller probe, it had actually been running separately for months. Next, it dropped that he'd arranged yet another Stormy-like payoff to yet another Playboy model to bury yet another illicit relationship with yet another Republican bigwig, this time megadonor Elliott Broidy. Oh, and this time the payoff included an abortion, which FINALLY drove the evangelical right away from this criminal cabal, as- APRIL FOOL don't be silly, ethical consistency is for CUCKS.

Then rumors began circulating that the feds had confiscated recordings. And then the recordings turned out to be between him and Stormy Daniels’ lawyer. Also maybe tapes of him ordering large quantities of anchovy and pineapple pizza, to be delivered to an unsuspecting Jeff Sessions’ office.

And while nobody else has confirmed this yet, McClatchy reports that Mueller has evidence that Cohen was, despite repeated denials, in Prague like the Steele Dossier says, setting off a whole new wave of PeeTapeMania. Time will tell.

Ever had one of those weeks? Nothing goes your way, car won't start, your date stands you up, stub your toe kinda weeks? End of a week like that, don'tcha just wish you could BOMB SYRIA?

Yes, the Velveeta Valor Thief felt like changing some headlines, and he remembered the only way he's ever gotten good press has been by either reading off a teleprompter, or blowing shit up in the Middle East. Well, the teleprompter went down when he threw the Churchill bust at it after news of the Cohen raid broke, so the Michael Bay option was all that was left.

So we launched a fuckton of missiles at a few targets, but not before giving Russia and Syria plenty of advance warning, allowing them ample time to evacuate personnel and equipment. Bashar al-Assad enjoyed a public chuckle at America's small-and-ineffectual-as-her-President's-fingers response, and resumed making war on his own people. So, y'know...sound and fury, signifying precisely jack shit.

And then Fuckhead actually declared “Mission accomplished!” This must be that branding genius I keep hearing about. Just in time for John Bolton's return. Heh.

While Dorito Mussolini’s multi-million dollar tantrum did approximately fuckall to Assad, it did cause some pain here at home. Specifically to everyone's least favorite conspiracy theorist, Mr. Washington Generals to Yogurt's Harlem Globetrotters himself, Alex Jones.

Mr. President, you made Alex Jones cry! If you were anyone else, I'd high-five you, but you're not, so eat shit.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted out a picture of her boss being all Tuff and Prezidenshul, ordering the Syria strike, except Mike Pants was in it, so it couldn't possibly be real, since the Vice President was out of the country at the time, because these people habitually lie about every goddamn thing, even when there's no conceivable reason to.

Speaking of Mikey Hairshirt, seems he wanted to get himself a shiny new foreign policy aide. A dude, of course, so they could enjoy one another's manly company in manly solitude, without upsetting Mother. He picked Jon Lerner, who was reasonably qualified, for a Republican. But when Boss Shart pulled his golf pants out of the hamper, he noticed a conspicuous lack of Lerner's lip prints in the gluteal area, and he demanded Pence rid himself of this “Never Trumper,” because his longstanding policy of prioritizing personal loyalty above all other concerns has led him to such quality subordinates as Michael Cohen and Seb Gorka.

Franklin Graham dropped by Fux n’ Frendz to praise Tangerine Idi Amin for being so goshdarn pure and prayerful and basically being Jesus but with better hair and bigger crowds. What can you even say about these Drumpf-embracing evangelical charlatans at this point? If you look at these blatant fraudsters and see holy men, don't be surprised when your afterlife looks like a Clive Barker NyQuil dream.

Buzzfeed reports that former Shart House staffers are having trouble landing private sector gigs, I guess because it's hard to wash off that treasonstank, and “helped malicious goon assault the bedrock foundations of American democracy” doesn't look that sexy on a resume.

Y'know what? Good. Fucking GOOD. Working for the Tangelo Tyrant should be just like marching in that Charlottesville tiki torch shitty white boy's choir. You should be unemployable. Let's bring back some old-school, Puritan-style SHUNNING for these fucks. Paint a big ol’ scarlet “T” on their foreheads in bloody stool.

Jazzy Jim Comey sat down for an interview with George Stephanopoulos to promote his book about Why James Comey's Self-Image Was So Fucking Important He Set the Whole Motherfucking Planet on Fire to Preserve It.

He sure did carpet bomb the Sunny D-Bag with turds, though, and I can appreciate that. Comey called the President “morally unfit,” a “stain on everyone who worked for him,” and a “man with so much shit between his ears it trickled out his goddamn nostrils.” Or something very similar, I promise.

Hey look, if anybody else is looking for somebody to go on TV to talk for an hour about what a raging infected hemorrhoid our President is, I'm available on short notice. And I didn't SWING THE AMERICAN FUCKING PRESIDENCY TO A 10-CENT GRIFTER TO SATISFY MY OWN SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS, so I've got that going for me.

Can anybody figure out what the fuck Kellyanne Conway is babbling about anymore? She was all, “Ooooo, that Comey bastard! He won us the election, damn him! Also he is a glory hound, which is reprehensible, which in turn is why I work for such a humble, almost monastic man who has in no way ever fabricated fake Time Magazine covers of himself.” Stay out of the cooking sherry, Kellyanne.

We got a fun little report on some of the grifting Don the Con has been up to since assuming the Presidency. You look at the millions of dollars worth of open corruption, and you wonder when he finds time to address the nation's problems, and then you chuckle to yourself, because that's what Presidents USED to do, sure, but times have changed.

Turns out Scott Pruitt's $43,000 soundproof jackoff booth wasn't just the corrupt whim of a paranoid assclown, but also totally illegal, according to the Government Accountability Office! What does it take to get this crook fired? Can somebody circulate a rumor that he hit on Ivanka at a party or something?

Over the weekend, Nikki Haley announced a pipin’-hot oven-fresh round of sanctions for the Russians, but Putin's Favorite Pet Weasel intervened, shouting “You leave my friend Vlad alone!” before peddling off, in tears, on his tricycle.

The sanctions were set to target the Russian companies that manufactured the equipment used by the Syrian government in their recent war crimes, by the way. So the official policy of the United States government under Drumpf is “If gassing children to death is your thing, who're we to judge?” It's possible we'll be rescued from this nightmare when the Lincoln Memorial comes to life and Honest Abe stomps over to the White House to take care of business himself

This follows on the heels of an entire WaPo article about how the Jag-o-Lantern has to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into any anti-Russia actions at all. Why, he had such a conniption fit after he found out he expelled more Russian diplomats than any single European nation (this was after Putin staged a FUCKING CHEMICAL ATTACK on British soil, by the way), that General Kelly sent him to bed with just a single scoop of ice cream.

Today, Shartolo Colon said, “Golly, I sure did pick some festering turdpiles for my Cabinet,” because even a stopped clock, etc., etc. Meanwhile, the remaining Cabinet assembled to reaffirm their longstanding plan to "get Dick Tracy, once and for all.”

Anyway, let's check back in with Michael Cohen, shall we?

The Felonious Fixer was back in court today, where he and Drumpfy’s lawyers argued that they should get first crack at screening which of the seized documents federal investigators would be allowed to access, under the somewhat novel legal theory that they really really really really really don't want the feds to see that shit.

See, part of Cohen's trouble here is that he has to prove he's a real lawyer, not just a petty thug who dispenses threats and the occasional briefcase full o’cash. So he tells the judge “Yuh huh I'm a super-real lawyer, I have three whole clients, the President, Broidy, and a third client who I cannot name, such are my unshakable principles,” and the judge said, “Little man, for a lawyer, you sure as shit don't understand the law,” and Cohen went, “Fair point, your honor. The client behind door number three is...SEAN HANNITY!

(This space left blank to allow for twenty minute long laughing fit. Please hydrate appropriately.)

Now, the Hannitizer claims he didn't do anything wrong, and Cohen isn't really his lawyer anyway but they also totally have attorney-client privilege somehow, and I just think it's gonna be hilarious in six months when America finally hears the recording of him going, “So Mike...you know where a fellah can get himself some o’ them pee hookers?”

Anyhoo, the judge denied Team Shart's request, and all the docs will now be turned over to the federal prosecutors’ TAINT TEAM. And now we can all come together as one people, and share a laugh that “taint team” is a thing.

Ok, folks, that's what I've got for ya tonight. Goin’ up a little early so I can wrap up some last-minute packing, the truck comes Friday. I hope you get to spend the evening with your loved ones, or, barring that, your taint team.

Welcome Back, Comey, Starring Rod Rosenstein as Horshack

Today we learned that the hand dryers in public restroom have literally been blowing hot shit all over us for our entire lives. If there's a more perfect metaphor for life in America under Donald Trump, I shudder to imagine it.

(The whole post, with links, plus many others, available at: http://showercapblog.com/welcome-back-comey-starring-rod-rosenstein-horshack/)

John Bolton and the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to His Lip are cleaning house at the National Security Council. Tom Bossert, Michael Anton, Ricky Waddell, and Nadia Schadlow are out, to be replaced with Bolton's own people, who're probably Decepticons or the rats from Room 101 or some shit.

Boy, Mark Zuckerberg dodged a bullet, huh? Imagine fucking up the entire goddamn world as much that nerd has, then when you're finally called to face accountability, your adjudicators are clueless old people who have no earthly idea what you even do. Like fuckin’ Orrin Hatch, who still worries that indoor plumbing might be man toying with forces beyond his ken, sitting there asking completely irrelevant questions while visibly eroding right before our eyes.

It seems the smarmy propagandists at Sinclair have been positively horny for years now to be Orange Julius Caesar’s own personal state TV. “We are here to deliver your message,” they told him, “We'll never second guess the size of your hands OR your crowds! Shit, we'll even report that the Pyramids WERE used to store grain, just for Dr. Ben!”

The failing New York Times reports the Candycorn Skidmark tried to fire Mueller again last December, forcing high-level aides to distract him using a Chinese finger trap, which disabled him for hours until he passed out exhausted with rage, sucking his tiny, inadequate, thumb.

Team Mueller is reportedly looking into additional Seychelles meetings, to see if foreign powers were buying influence from the cartoonishly greedy grifter who happens, tragically, to be the current President of the United States. I'm sure nothing will come of this. Nah, probably just a fantasy football draft. In the Seychelles. Between Drumpf associates, Russian oligarchs, and Saudi princes. Friendly league, just a case of beer and a Chili's gift card at stake, promise.

A few rumors about the FBI's raid on Michael Cohen leaked. Warrants referenced payoffs to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, as well as Cohen's NYC taxi medallion investments.

Medallions and sex workers, huh? Are they running an investigation or a Game of Thrones cosplay convention? AYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Cohen himself commented on how courteous the FBI were in raiding his home and office. “They left a mint on my pillow, and even watered a few plants I'd neglected,” Cohen said, “I've invited many of the agents back for game night.”

Fat Q*Bert continues melting down over the raid, because he knows precisely how much more evidence of his life of crime now rests in the hands of federal law enforcement. He's so flummoxed, he cancelled his big diplomatic tour of South America, because there's nothing he hates quite so much as doing his job.

Oh, and the excuse he gave, like a schoolboy calling in sick to get out of a math test, was that he had to stay home and oversee the Syria situation, and I will wager every beer in my fridge that he couldn't find Syria on a map.

Seems the Shart of the Deal asked North Dakota's Democratic Senator Heidi Heitkamp to switch parties. And failed. Like always. Because he's bad at his job. He also asked her to dress up like a rodeo clown and spank him with the opinion page of the Washington Post, and you can guess how that went.

Bob Corker, confronted with the CBO numbers showing the GOP's Let's Richen the Rich tax bill blowing up the deficit like one of those little dragon monsters in Dig Dug, said if they were right, it'd be “one of the worst votes I've made.” I've seen your record, Bob. You're bass-ackwards wrong on everything from reproductive rights to gun control. ALL your votes are shit. This one can't be your “worst,” because you voted yourself a fat fuckin’ personal Corker Kickback, remember?

Laura Ingraham keeps bleeding advertisers, despite her ongoing tantrums about the "Stalinist” forces denying her constitutional right to sponsorship. I forget what amendment that was. Oh right, NONE OF THEM.

So, a former Republican Speaker of the House is a drug dealer now, that's neat. John Boehner, long America's Least Favorite Orange-Hued Conservative until being supplanted recently by That One Guy, joined the advisory board of a cannabis consortium, spreadin’ that reefer madness from the purple (haze) mountain majesties to the fruited plains.

Hmmmm...while I'm on the subject of GOP House Speakers, I wonder if I can segue that over into any other current news stories? Maybe there's something about, like, Dennis Hastert getting punched over and over again, going door to door in his new neighborhood, telling everyone he's a registered sex offender?

Oh, I see Paul Ryan is “retiring,” should I talk about that?

Yes, we won't have the Ayn Rand Fanboy, the dumb shit dubbed an intellectual leader solely because he's the only member of his caucus who doesn't wear Velcro shoes, to kick around anymore. The Koch brothers’ personal Renfield, having actively facilitated countless assaults on American democracy by a wannabe fascist goon, rides off into the sunset as America's weaker, dorkier, Neville Chamberlain. Fuck you forever with a garden weasel, you plutocrat puppet.

Me, I think Paul's gonna crazy. All that time on his hands, no readily discernible way to shit on his fellow man? In three weeks, he'll be throwing firecrackers into homeless shelters and setting fire to little kids’ lemonade stands, mark my words.

Word on the street* is, the Republican donor class was sent spiraling into existential despair by Ryan's retirement.

Good.

Fucking EXCELLENT.

If there's any group of people in this country that deserves a few rainy days, it's the billionaire fuckheads who've been employing Ryan and his toadies to stomp on working folks’ necks. I hope you're super-sad, Rich Fuckwads. I hope you're so sad, even chocolate ice cream and pornography doesn't make you feel better.

Still, his turd legacy lives on. Take, for example, this Drumpf administration proposal to drug test SNAP beneficiaries. We've tried it before, on the state level. It doesn't work. It wastes massive amounts of taxpayer money. But hey, it strips just a little more dignity from the less fortunate, and isn't that what 21st century conservatism is all about?

A character from season one of Let's Flush America Down a Truck Stop Toilet made a surprising return, as President Infected Hemorrhoid forced the Justice Department to hire Ezra Cohen-Watnick, who'd been fired from the Shart House in 2017 for leaking classified information to a certain pig-fucking collaborator who shall remain nameless.

I'd swear I remember something about the Republican Party really really caring a whole fucking bunch about mishandled classified intel, but THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE RIGHT, CAN IT?

SHARTUS basically confessed, in a tweet, to obstruction of justice, but thinks it doesn't really count, because he was only “fight(ing) back.” Like a guy who only shoplifted that pocketknife to shank the kid who tp’ed his lawn.

Yeah, Smallhands Magoo is freaking out basically 24/7 over these investigations. And he's deciding what to do about Syria in his spare moments, while simultaneously wiping rage-spittle off his embarrassingly too-long necktie. Because you gotta have priorities, right?

He casually threatened (by tweet, of course) to blanket the region with missiles, and when Syrian forces responded by retreating to safety, he tried to pull this “I never said when, or if, I was gonna rain death on a bunch of people without a moment's thought or remorse,” as though ANYONE ANYWHERE ON EARTH imagines he's a crafty operator, manipulating the board like a grandmaster, rather than a drooling, barely-sentient, goo pile in 60 miles over his head.

Y’all, I confess I've gone beyond being appalled by Scott Pruitt's corrupt hijinks, all the way to being impressed. Where does this fucker even find the TIME?

The Failing New York Times reports the Cabinet's Leading Paranoiac thought the EPA's “challenge coin” needed a little more stank on it, with “stank” meaning “evidence of Scott Pruitt's awesomeness.” He wanted to remove the EPA seal from the EPA coin, replacing it with a picture of Scott Pruitt flexing shirtless, with some flattering artistic liberty of course.

I can't keep up with all of this shitbird's scandals. Now I see he's got a violent thug henchman backing him up? Man, somebody call Captain Planet to take care of this schmuck.

Speaking of th'Best People, the Hairplug That Ate Decency has nominated Wendy Vitter to a federal judgeship. What you need to know about Wendy Vitter is, she can't give a straight answer to “Brown v Board of Education, good or nah?”

Let me help you out here, Wendy. This is like being asked “Should we use kittens for target practice,” there are two kinds of people here; those who are appalled that you'd even bother asking the question, and raging evil shitbags. Guess which one you are?

Hey, you don't have to be President of the United States of America to be a revolting sack of human garbage! Missouri Governor Eric Greitens is...fuck, y’all. There are no jokes to be made here. Greitens is a fucking monster. Men like Greitens are why we have prisons. Send him to one. Throw away the goddamn key.

Anyway, congratulate your 2018 GOP! Party of Donald Trump, Eric Greitens, Roy Moore, Blake Farenthold, Trent Franks, Don Blankenship, Laura Ingraham, Alex Jones, Scott Pruitt, Joe Arpaio, Ben Carson, Sean Hannity, Ted Cruz...more villains than 80 years worth of Batman comics.

Crazy shit, friends. I'm sure next week will be calmer. When Jolly Jim Comey's book comes out. Heh.

Excerpts from Comey's book and ABC interview are dropping all over the place, somehow painting a less flattering portrait than the Michael Wolff book that just made a bunch of shit up. At least we finally understand why Shart Garfunkel couldn't be bothered to develop an even casual understanding of any of the issues facing the nation; all the space in his walnut-sized brain was apparently taken up by obsessing over the pee tape.

At any rate, Shartboy’s tiny army of decency-deficient media surrogates dutifully marched out into the right wing fucknutosphere to assault Comey, the FBI, and the very rule of law.

Sean Hannity trotted out his weird, Unabomber-esque flow charts. Noot Gingrich likened law enforcement executing a search warrant granted by a federal judge to the Gestapo, just in time for Holocaust Remembrance Day. Mike Huckabee suggested Drumpf order Capitol police to RAID THE GODDAMN FBI, because what the nation really needs is a law enforcement civil war, it'll be some badass GANGS OF NEW YORK shit, right?

Fuck, even Steve Bannon emerged from his sewer drain to offer his two cents, before being chased back into the shadows by a little old lady with a broom, who mistook him for a feral opossum. “What if we rub the viscous, foul-smelling, fluid I excrete from every pore all over Mueller's clothes? Then no one will be willing to work near him, thwarting his investigation once and for all!

And of course Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes is preparing to impeach the entire Department of Justice, from Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein down to the last Whatchamacallit in the break room vending machine. Of course, he's distracted because he found a woman who runs a substantial Hampshire pig farm on Farmers Only Dot Com, and he's trying to get her to let him housesit some weekend while she goes out of town.

There is no aspect of American Democracy these rectal tumors will not burn down in the name of their Garbage God Emperor. They'll bulldoze the Supreme Court and napalm the Constitution. They'll take a dump in every single apple pie baked from now until the end of time. They'll happily end the great American experiment, and all for the sake of a wealthy jackass who does nothing but watch television and golf.

The National Enquirer paid a Trump Tower doorman 30 grand to bury a story about the future President fathering a child out of wedlock, and evangelicals from coast to coast finally abandoned Trump in light of his HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAH just kidding they continued screeching in unhinged rage about gay people ordering cakes.

Mike Pompeo refused to answer a whole fuckload of questions at his confirmation hearing before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today, I guess because he thinks diplomacy is best conducted by jumping out of Foggy Bottom closets, dressed as a clown, shouting “SURPRISE! WE'RE SENDING GROUND FORCES TO NORTH KOREA!”

Pompeo is a known homophobe and Islamophobe, with zero relevant experience, and he shouldn't be anywhere NEAR State. There's already bipartisan opposition to his confirmation, so let's sink this nomination. Call your Senators!

Last year, Government Cheese Goebbels withdrew from the Trans-Pacific Partnership as part of his “Fuck Obama and Everything He Ever Did” initiative. Today, he told advisors he'd like to sneak back in, maybe just slide in the back door wearing a big floppy hat and a fake beard, because he thinks it'll help him with his Big Stupid Trade War.

I suppose you have to expect this kind of thing when you elect a pudding-brained doofus who doesn't know anything about anything.

Former Republican Congressjag Steve Stockman was convicted on 23 felony counts today. I tell ya what, Republicans are going to have an insurmountable stranglehold on prison legislatures soon. Call it “gerrymandering by conviction.”

Sadly, it seems as though the on-the-record, under oath meeting between Bodacious Bob Mueller and the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits is off, as the President has grown upset with the investigators’ stubborn persistence in actually pursuing their investigation. Sadly, we will never learn if Donnie's plan to ply Bob with gift cards to Trump University would have gotten him off the hook.

Well, Shower Captives, that's what I've got. While I was writing, I see fresh gnu stories broke, about Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops auditing the USPS in hopes of sticking it to Amazon, and Michael Cohen maybe-just-maybe having some incriminating audio recordings. It never fucking ends, but I have to sleep sometime.

...wait, what? He's pardoning Scooter Libby? I...WHAT? Lemme just say it's weird n' wacky, having an openly pro-crime President. CAN I SLEEP NOW?

*Okay, by “street” I mean “political twitter.” I don't know anything about the street, I'm a housecat.

BREAKING:Michael Cohen Claims FBI Agent Ate Slice of Junior's Cheesecake From His Fridge During Raid

Well, I took a long weekend, and I come back to find shit's so fucked up that Lindsey Buckingham got kicked out of Fleetwood Mac? It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?

(As is customary, this post is available with links at: http://showercapblog.com/breaking-michael-cohen-claims-fbi-agent-ate-slice-juniors-cheesecake-fridge-duri/)

I spend a lot of time on this lil’ ol’ blog mocking the President for being a cud-brained moron incapable of understanding anything more complex than a bendy straw and who couldn't find his own dick with a map. But let's not lose site of the fact that for all his more comical shortcomings, he's also just plain fucking evil.

SCROTUS apparently got surly when he saw a video of a drone strike where the operator made the total cuck choice to avoid murdering the target's entire family. Got that? Insufficient Slaughter of Civilians is the bug up the American President's quadruple-wide ass.

If anybody does seances, couldja conjure up Dante for a week or so? I'd really like to see what he'd come up with for this fuckstick.

Oh, and a fire broke out in Shart Tower in New York, killing one resident. The poor guy might be alive, but Don the Con didn't want to shell out for sprinklers so badly that he lobbied lawmakers so he wouldn't have to! So yeah, this guy gets to hang out in bars in the afterlife, telling the story of how he's dead because the President of the United State of America is cheap son of a bitch.

Don't worry, though, Il Douche tweeted about how rad his gaudy-ass building is, with nary a mention, not even a thought or a prayer, for the human being who died in it.

The $25 million Shart University settlement was finalized today, just another reminder that we're being governed by a cheap grifter who'd be pickpocketing tourists on the subway if he hadn't been born into money.

So, one of my pet theories is that the first time you hear about any rank-and-file GOP CongressDope in the news, it's in the context of said CongressDope behaving like a blistering jackass. Thanks to South Carolina's Ralph Norman, my hypothesis continues to hold.

Ralph pulled a gun out in a meeting with constituents, including some Moms Demand Action activists, because you always want to remind the folks you represent that you can murder them at any time, I guess. Attempted to remove all lingering doubt that he's a complete tool, Norman went on to say “I'm not going to be a Gabby Giffords."

Ralph. Bro. Absolutely zero worries on that front. Gabby Giffords is a genuine American hero. She's tougher than a two-dollar steak. You? You're just one more stunted man-child packing heat because it makes you feel like a cowboy.

Hey look, the Department of Homeland Security is compiling a database of journalists and bloggers, so they can keep tabs on “media influencers!” Now, most of you are probably think that's some terrifying 1984 shit, and you're not wrong, but me? I'm wondering if my humble blog page makes the cut. Suddenly I seem like a goddamn genius for working under a mask, don't I? Betcha wish you'd thought of that, Jake Tapper!

Blake Farenthold, who had already announced he wasn't running for re-election in the midst of his “I'm a big ol’ pajama-clad pervert” investigation, suddenly went, “Y'know what? I'm actually just gonna piss off home today if everybody's down.” We can only assume investigators finally found that notebook where Blake doodles pictures of himself getting penetrated by Care Bears.

The opening shots of the trade war with China have been fired, and the Velveeta Vulgarian wants you to know, he's putting America first! Well...one American, anyhow. His daughter. Yes, you can sleep soundly knowing that while countless Americans, from soybean farmers to auto workers are getting fucked over by this idiot messing around with economic forces he doesn't understand, Princess Ivanka's shitty made-in-China crap has been declared exempt from the tariffs!

The Marmalade Shartcannon praised the patriotism of America's farmers today, celebrating them for heroically absorbing the consequences of his bullheaded trade war. Maybe some day, he'll commission a statue of a farmer being served with foreclosure documents while the imbecile President pats himself on the back for dropping a hand grenade into the global economy.

Meanwhile, a trio of South Carolina state legislators (just GUESS which party they belong to) introduced a bill to consider secession if the dastardly gubmint dares to curtail their god-given right to own bump stocks and flamethrowers and shoulder-mounted RPGs. I say give the maniacs what they want. Let's wall off a chunk of real estate where the NRA crazies can roam free. Give ‘em their own country, their President can be Dana Loesch, or maybe Yosemite Sam.

Betsy DeVos has had about enough of these peasant teachers in Oklahoma with their sniveling demands for “non-moth-eaten textbooks” and “a living wage.” She thinks the striking teachers should “keep adult disagreements and disputes in a separate place,” possibly a some sort of Dickensian workhouse where the serfs can be forced to perform manual labor while grading What I Did Last Summer essays.

Boy, we keep finding all The Best People, don't we? Today we found out about Kevin Sabo, a career employee at Interior promoted to a fancy political post by Team Shart, who believes in every looney conspiracy from Pizzagate to CIA mind control. Oh, and he tried to murder an ex-girlfriend. Cut the brakes on her car. Anyway, your tax dollars pay his salary, NEAT!

Paul Manafort was denied bail yet again, despite offering a package that included a number of coupons for “free hugs.” Sorry, Paulie, you remain, as ever...#Manafucked.

Mark Zuckerberg submitted written testimony to congress, saying “Whoopsie! In hindsight, I probably should've considered the entirely predictable consequences of my ridiculously powerful company's reckless manner of gathering fucktons of personal data, but I didn't, MY BAD. Anyway, sorry about that whole Facilitating a Hostile Foreign Power's Extremely Successful Attack on Our Nation's Democracy thing. Pizza's on me tonight, ‘kay?”

We need a whole ‘nother news station just to cover Scott Fucking Pruitt, don't we? CNNP. We learned he's pissed millions of our taxpayer dollars away with his paranoid security demands. One of his top sidekicks, Samantha Dravis, resigned when we found out she's been collecting a fat salary even though she doesn't seem to like showing up for work.

Oh, and remember the other day with Scotty claimed he didn't know anything about the massive raises that his toadies got? Well, that turns out to be pure horseshit, and there’s an e-mail proving that it's horseshit, and his goons are bumbling around trying to figure out how keep the EPA inspector general from finding out about the e-mail and its horseshit-proving powers, but now that it's a national media story, that seems...unlikely.

Ted Nugent was removed from the board of the National Rifle Association for saying Democrats should be shot like "coyotes.” Oh wait. Only the second part of that sentence is true.

Speaking of gun nuts, Governor Rick Scott announced his campaign to challenge Bill Nelson for one of Florida's Senate seats. With the Parkland kids organizing in their home state, hopefully we can send this corrupt NRA lackey back to the private sector, but if you've got a buck to spare for Bill, let's make sure that Blue Tsunami washes Scott away with the rest of the garbage.

John McCain tore into the Bonespur Buttplug, for the way his wandering, uninformed, foreign policy emboldened Assad to carry out his latest horrific chemical weapons attack. So he's Good John today, but don't worry, give him a week and he'll do something like vote for a bill that gives corporations the right to break into your bedroom and poke holes in all your condoms, and we can go back to being mad at him.

Shart Organization lawyers hit up the motherfucking PRESIDENT OF PANAMA to try to get him to shred his country's constitution and intervene in their crazy, periodically violent, hotel dispute in Panama City. You read their letter, and you almost have to be impressed with the raw ballsiness of the blatant corruption, with its lightly veiled threats to use to the power of the U.S. government to lean on a whole fucking country if they don't get what they want.

As many smarter folks than I have said thousands of times before, ”...and they made Jimmy Carter give up his peanut farm.”

Government Cheese Goebbels finally found something he does better than Obama: blow up the deficit! Yessir, the CBO says that, thanks to the Rich People Aren't Nearly Rich Enough, Don'tcha Think? tax bill, the deficit will hit one trillion annually by 2020, but hey, think of all the extra money Bob Corker and the Koch brothers will have!

Huge congratulations go out to my Senator, Tammy Duckworth, the first serving Senator to give birth while in office! It was also John Bolton's first day on the job as Dipshit's National Security Advisor, so it's sort of an alpha and omega kind of news day.

Today's news also brought the headline, “Sinclair commentator resigns after threatening to sexually assault Parkland survivor David Hogg,*” because ours is a corrupt, fallen, world, and if there is a God, he's gonna flood this planet any fucking minute now.

Shiny new polling shows Shart Garfunkel has finally lost the support of crotchety old white people, at least the most educated ones. At this rate, his base is gonna dwindle down to James Woods and the voices in Lou Dobbs’ head by 2020.

Grumpy Prevaricator Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded us that President Crotchvoid still “feels” like there was massive voter fraud in the 2016 election, despite his inability to provide a post-it note's worth of evidence, even with KKKris KKKobach's dedicated help.

Yes well. I still feel like my skills as an actor were under-appreciated, and I should be landing juicy character roles in collaboration with Peter Weir and Wes Anderson, but here I am writing a political poop joke blog in my pajamas, begging strangers to pay for my beer.

And juuuuuuuust when I had come down with a near-terminal case of the Mondays, the Michael Cohen news broke, and I literally laughed my ass off. I'm writing from the hospital bed, where a team of first rate surgeons are sewing my ass back on.

Yes, the Sez-Hoo Surrogate received some unwanted houseguests, don'tcha just hate that? Especially when it turns out to be the FBI raiding your home, your office, and even your hotel room?

Looks like Bodacious Bob Mueller turned over some evidence to the New York prosecutor's office (State level? RUH ROH! NO PARDON, MIKEY!) and they came a-knockin’ in search of documents relating to the Stormy Daniels payoff, possible bank fraud and campaign finance violations, and a Netflix review of BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE, which Cohen allegedly described as “The CITIZEN KANE of superhero movies.”

Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet took this news...badly. Sitting in an ever-expanding puddle of his own sweat and urine, he rambled in barely-concealed terror about witch hunts and disgraces, referring to a raid ordered by a Sessions appointee and conducted with a warrant issued by a federal judge as a "break-in,” and declared it “an attack on our country,” and “an attack on what we all stand for,” because we all know the Declaration of Independence was mostly about spoiled rich boys trying to pay off porn stars to cover up illicit affairs.

(Just to put a maraschino cherry on top, the Failing New York Times also reports Mueller is investigating a $150,000 payment a Ukrainian steel tycoon paid into the Gaudy Paintings of Myself Fund, excuse me, the “Trump Foundation,” for a 20-minute appearance...during the fucking campaign. Everyone who was ranting about the Clinton Foundation during the election is equally upset about this story, right? RIGHT?)

So yeah, another batshit crazy day, folks. Gotta be honest, though...it's the Fleetwood Mac news that hit me hardest. Tell me why/everything turned around!

*Yes, they changed the headline after I wrote that. Dick move, Wapo!

1001 Scott Pruitt Scandals You Must Read About Before You Die (Ferret/ShowerCap)

DISCLAIMER: In the time it takes you to read this post, scholars believe as many as 11.3 new Scott Pruitt scandals will break. Proceed at your own risk. (And you probably know this by now, but you can find this post, with news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/1001-scott-pruitt-scandals-must-read-die/)

So President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive watched some idiotic, hyperbolic, fear-mongering, immigration segment on Fux Nooz, and because he's a rube, he decided the nation was in immediate danger of being overrun by a “caravan” of migrants.

It's truly distressing, the amount of power Fox has over our easy mark President. One of these days, he's gonna sit on the remote control and switch by mistake to a channel showing Independence Day, and then we're really gonna be in deep shit.

Anyway, he's dispatching the National Guard to the border to protect us from the scary brown people from the television, and whoever it was said that Trump is “a weak man's idea of a strong man” deserves a fucking marble statue.

If you had Alex Van der Zwaan in the “who will be the first Mueller probe target to be sentenced” office pool, come claim your prize! The message here is clear; lie to Bodacious Bob, go to jail. (If you lie to Shower Cap, I will cry, but you will never know it, for a mask hides my tears.)

President Skidmark was allegedly delighted to learn he isn't a "target” of the Mueller investigation at this time, only a “subject.” But just like a stranger's just a friend you haven't met yet, a subject's just a Giant Spray-tanned Idiot Who Hasn't Perjured Himself Multiple Times Under Oath...Yet.

Speaking of Mueller, it seems he's taken to detaining and questioning various Russian oligarchs when they drop into to the good ol’ U.S. of A. to pick up blue jeans and Adam Sandler DVDs. He's seeking information on any foreign money that may've found its way into a certain bloated rectal tumor’s 2016 campaign. Also Avengers: Infinity War spoilers.

Remember that hilarious joke Roger Stone played on Sam Nunberg, where he said he hung out with his new friend Julian Assange who is a much better tetherball player than Sam Nunberg and also doesn't smell quite so much like grandma's house? Well, weirdly, it took place the very same day Roger showed up on InfoWars radio to shoot his fool mouth off about all the shit WikiLeaks was about to dump on Hillary Clinton's head.

...I guess Stone was playing an equally hilarious joke on his good buddy Alex Jones, right? Such a prankster! I wonder if you can get whoopee cushions in prison?

Shitty White Boy Authoritarianism has an official pillow, I see. The guy who runs MyPillow wants the honor of being Laura Ingraham's sole remaining advertiser, for some reason. That's a lot of ad time to fill, bro, maybe you can run a little serial detailing how you got your F rating from the Better Business Bureau!

Clearly, the Shart of the Deal passed his negotiating prowess on to his entire slimy grifter family. Cecile Richards revealed that Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar tried to bribe Planned Parenthood with increased federal funding if they'd just cut out all that abortion stuff.

That's right, they tried to pay fucking PLANNED PARENTHOOD off to sell out women's reproductive rights. What's next? We find out Eric tried slipping Colin Kaepernick a suitcase full of twenties to denounce Black Lives Matter?

...it seriously tells us a whole damn lot about these people that they think this sort of thing can be purchased.

I see Cruella de Vil has been appointed to oversee parks and wildlife at Ryan Zinke's Interior Department. And of course the Shart Administration has proposed a rule to roll back endangered species protections, because why restrict your shittiness to a single species, right?

GOP political operative Benjamin Sparks is wanted on domestic battery charges for assaulting his ex-fiancée, with whom he signed a sex slave contract.

Moving on, in international news - wait, WHAT? This creep, (who's worked for Mitt Romney and Scott Walker) actually made a woman sign a sex slave CONTRACT? God, even Michael Cohen wouldn't touch that shit.

The Blue Wave kept on rollin’ with an absolutely PORNOGRAPHIC win in Wisconsin. Yessir, a bonafide pink-o commie libtard snowflake won a seat on the Wisco Supreme Court, vanquishing her Scott-Walker-backed opponent like the Washington Generals of Cheesehead jurisprudence.

Walker did not take the news well, melting down on Twitter about how liberals were going to break into your house to smash your TV while you were watching Roseanne or some shit. Sorry, Scott, Blue Wave's a-comin', and there's just two things you can do about that:

1. Nothing
2. Like it.

Speaking of which, a new poll out today showed former Governor Phil Bredesen leading spittle-flecked lunatic Marsha Blackburn by double digits in the Tennessee Senate race. WOW. Corker kickback indeed. Say, let's help Bredesen win this seat, shut down the McConnell/Trump court-packing scheme once and for all, huh?

Rudy Giuliani's third wife filed for divorce, in the process demanding that Rudy be awarded custody of his hideous, hideous teeth.

A bunch of military types leaked to CNN about a meeting between Tangerine Idi Amin and his national security team, because they want the American people to know that serving this President is basically like living in that one Twilight Zone episode with the little kid who has god-like powers but doesn't understand fuckall about anything.

Man, you can't throw a rock without hit a brand new story about Scott Pruitt's Excellent Unethical Adventures, can you? At this point, I honestly don't know how this bastard finds the time to shave, he's doing so much cartoonishly crooked shit.

Let's do the Scott Pruitt Fuckery Round-Up. Just from the last couple of days, ignoring the travel and the soundproof booth.

1. Tries to force his security detail to turn on sirens to get out of a traffic jam, because waiting is for peasants.
2. Sweetheart deal on D.C. lodgings from a lobbyist.
3. ...a lobbyist whose project was magically approved.
4. Fuckhead actually FELL BEHIND on his lowball grifter rent to said lobbyist.
5. Went behind the White House's back to give raises to aides.
6. Can't even handle himself on a fucking Fox News interview.
7. Has EPA employees reassigned for criticizing his spending/general jagoff-ness.
8. “Shady real estate deal” back in Oklahoma.
9. Runs a puppy mill, and opens all meetings by forcing staff to drink a toast with puppy blood. Ok, I made that one up, but would you be surprised?

Despite all this, the Marmalade Shartcannon was talking about promoting this cheap crook, this paranoid maniac, to Attorney General, as recently as THIS WEEK! Scott Pruitt had more scandals this week than the entire Obama administration had in EIGHT YEARS, and not only is he not fired, they want to put him in charge of Robert Mueller!

The trade war is going about as well as you'd expect, with Field Marshal Dumbass directing the battle. China filed a protest at the WTO, and slapped retaliatory tariffs on a fresh round of American products, most prominently soybeans, a devastating crotch punt to American farmers. Studies show Lil’ Donnie's tantrum could cost up to 146,000 Americans their jobs, but don't worry, what's important here is that the President not be perceived as “weak” in backing down. I ask you, what's more important? Your ability to feed your family, or Orange Julius Caesar’s fragile pride?

Aaaaaaaand it looks like Littlefinger wants to escalate further, and stock market futures are predictably down. We've normalized Drumpf to an extent, but I confess it's strange, watching the American President intentionally attack the American economy.

After all the years of condescending moral hectoring, I confess I get a tingly feeling in my nether regions whenever we learn more about what a skeezy slimebucket Bill O’Reilly has been the whole time. One of the creepy old pervert's settlements went so far as to demand that, should evidence of his sleaziness become public, the woman would have to denounce it as “counterfeit.” Tell me more about the “Decline of Morality in America,” Bill, I really want your thoughts on the subject.

Oh my, the right-wing Jackassosphere is all a-tizzy today! It seems free speech is under attack! Dastardly liberals have achieved a new victory in their ongoing quest to stamp out all dissenting thought! Why, no doubt Barack Obama, George Soros, and Chuck Schumer are circle-jerking all over the original text of the first amendment at this very moment!

For you see, Kevin Williamson has been fired from the Atlantic! Woe is us, and woe is freedom itself! First, they came for the Guy Who Repeatedly Said, On Multiple Platforms, That Women Who Have Abortions Should be Hung, and because I was not a RAGING TURDWEASEL ADVOCATING FOR THE STATE-SPONSORED MASS-MURDER OF WOMEN I said nothing.

Nothing except “hooray this horrible man got fired,” and possibly “maybe don't hire people with such a thirst for executions in the first place.”

Like a toddler who murdered the babysitter, Donnie Two-Scoops has sidelined or removed everyone who tells him “Hey, maybe don't act like a poop-throwing chimpanzee that just ate its own weight in bath salts, huh?” And so he went down to West Virginia for a "tax roundtable,” where he belched up most of his favorite lies, from Mexican Rapists to Voter Fraud (Gosh, I thought he'd abandoned that one, but sometimes you gotta just play the hits.) to Melania Loves Me For My Personality.

Later, Fat Q*Bert told reporters he didn't know anything about the Stormy Daniels hush money, you know how lawyers are, always paying off porn stars, the little rascals! Anyway, I'm not sure how his people were threatening to enforce an NDA he never knew about, but that's a needle for somebody else to thread.

I tell you what, it's gettin’ mighty crowded underneath The Bus, with Michael Cohen joining Steve Bannon, Jeff Sessions, Paul Manafort, Georgie Papaderpaderp, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell...and so on, ad infinitum.

There's more, I know. Corey Lewandowski said a naughty word to Congress, and Robert Mercer paid millions to make the world a little shitter by spreading Islamophobic hate, and I see Paul Manafort has been served with STILL MORE search warrants, but at least Rachel Maddow is slaying the competition in the ratings!

Anyway, thanks for reading, Shower Captives, I'm taking a much-needed weekend off in the midst of all the personal and political madness. My plan is to catch up with everything on Monday night...see y’all then!

PS - While I was editing (and simultaneously drinking, so, y'know...don't expect perfection) McClatchy dropped a fresh story about Team Mueller serving one of Shart Garfunkel's business associates with surprise subpoenas, suggesting a particular interest in one Michael Cohen...I have no jokes for this story, but it should make you happy.

We Have Always Been at War with Eastasia...Exucse Me, I Mean Amazon

In the future, those of us that survive will gather in the bars and the churches, to share the stories and show the scars we earned in the Amazon War of ‘18. “Grandad still has a hunk of cardboard packaging in his chest, from the Second Battle of Prime Day,” the children will brag, beaming.

Anyway. The news. (As always, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/always-war-eastasia-excuse-mean-amazon/)

Folks, how can I hope to maintain a political satire blog, when I've got the very President of the United States hornin’ in on my territory?

Yes, Smallhands Magoo proclaimed April “National Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” because irony passed out in a dive bar urinal and drowned. Fuck it. I'm proclaiming this National You Shouldn't Drink A Bunch of Beer and Write a Bunch of Poop Jokes About Our Shitsack President Month.

Yesterday was Easter, and the God Emperor of Shitty White Evangelical Losers celebrated by belching up as much hate and divisiveness as he could muster before his tiny inadequate fingers gave out, and he could tweet no more. Now, I'm not religious, but anyone who says we've lost sight of the meaning of Easter with all the bunnies and candy can get in fucking line, Jesus was super clear on this shit.

Shartboy's DACA tweets demonstrate two things:

1. He doesn't understand immigration policy. At all. It's possible he's actually forgotten that he's the one who ended DACA.
2. He's as racist as a Mississippi Klan chapter's hooded, whitey-white laundry.

I'm starting to think Tangerine Idi Amin has his Twitter feed hooked up to a speech-to-text program. He just rolls out bad, babbling in a half-conscious fury after breathing in experimental hair tonic fumes all night. I mean, when he tweets about “Moonbeam,” is he talking about Jerry Brown, or perhaps some mythical beast that torments him in his nightmares, perpetually clawing at his withered, misshapen, genitals, tauntingly proclaiming, “When you're a hippogriff, they let you do it?”

Stacey Dash ended her Congressional run a few weeks after starting it, and you've already read every conceivable CLUELESS joke, so why fucking bother? Nobody ever makes a MO’ MONEY joke or a CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF LOVE joke, I wonder why that is?

Famous Pants-Shitter/NRA Board Member Ted Nugent became the latest right-wing scrotum tumor to go after the Parkland kids, equating “Hey, having a bunch of your classmates murdered by a gun-wielding maniac is bad and we should make that stop,” with “lacking a soul.” Anyway, the moral judgements of a guy who adopted a teenager so he could fuck her carry a lot weight, obviously.

Somehow Scott Pruitt, despite wiping his ass daily with taxpayer cash, and now getting caught basically accepting bribes from a lobbyist, is still in charge of the EPA. And so he gets to do shitbag stuff like rolling back Obama-era automobile fuel efficiency standards, because clean air is, like so many things nowadays, FOR CUCKS.

California vows to maintain higher standards, so Scotty's gonna fly over there on a private jet, getting foot massages and gargling caviar, to try and make them stop. And MAGA nation will cheer another “victory,” merrily shelling out more at the gas station, all the while chuckling at how thoroughly the libtards have been owned.

Roseanne's back in the news, posing for horrific photo shoots and I guess she's got a show or something? Anyway, she wants us all to embrace Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, for his heroic efforts breaking up pedophile rings all over the...wait, what the shit?

Somehow Pizzagate didn't end when that crazy guy showed up to murder everybody? It just kept going, and expanding, like some creepy weirdo writing fanfic where Buffy's on Season 43 by now? Congratulations, America, you have the dumbest fucking people to ever walk the earth. Evolution took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

What next? I swear, they're gonna bring back Cheers, and every episode, they'll have to kick Norm out because he thinks Frasier's a lizard person.

Everybody saw all those Sinclair videos, right? Coordinated, corporate-mandated propaganda, dutifully spouted at you by your trusted local news team! If you hear a faint, mournful howling outside your window, that's just George Orwell's ghost weeping in despair.

We've since learned that Sinclair like, booby-traps their newsroom talent's contacts to keep them from quitting in protest. If you quit a Sinclair station, you have to live in a cave, spinning straw into gold, for forty years. Plus they get your firstborn and you're never allowed to listen to the Beastie Boys again, for the rest of your life.

Longtime readers are no doubt aware of the ongoing subplot where Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops, desperate to project an illusory image of competence, attempts to secure funding for his Big Stupid Wall, but he can't get any, because he's really really bad at his job, especially the deal-making part of it. Anyway, in possibly the most pathetic act of a supremely pathetic life, he's finally resorted to tweeting out pictures of an Obama-era repair project, and pretending that A) It's the Big Stupid Wall and B) He had something to do with it.

Just embarrassing.

Well, the Shart House and David Shulkin are slap-fighting over whether Dave resigned as VA secretary or was fired. It looks like Shulkin's version will prevail, as Team Fuckstick won't be able to produce a resignation letter. The Sunny D-Bag offered to forge the note himself, but General Kelly talked him out of it, likely because of the President's inability to spell at a third grade level.

Some jag is publishing a book, in which he claims Kellyanne Conway is the “number one leaker” on Littlefinger's staff, earning her the coveted Golden Diaper award. Conway denies this, but really, who gives a fuck?

Ron Johnson, GQ's “Dumbest Senator” for seven years running, had some thoughts on the Mueller investigation. RoJo, wearing laceless shoes and a clip-on tie, opined that the Special Counsel was appointed “too early,” (You really want to give the firing of an FBI director so as to obstruct justice room to breathe, right?) and he'd much rather have seen the Congressional oversight process, i.e. the Mad Magazine-caliber counter-espionage perpetrated by Devin “PF” Nunes, play out.

Johnson also mentioned he's been conducting his own little investigation...into HILLARY CLINTON. “Investigation.” Right. He's probably got one of those giant lollipops, and he thinks it's a magnifying glass.

Remember when poor, addled, Sam Nunberg stumbled from cable channel to cable channel, defending Roger Stone's honor? Those feelings are...not reciprocated. First Stone took a big ol’ public shit on Sammy, then it leaked that Mueller has an e-mail from Stone to Nunzie saying “Guess who met with Julian Assange? THIS GUY!,” and now Roger's trying to play it off like this hilarious joke he played! Like, yeah, the timeline is crazy suspicious, but I was just trying to put one over on ol’ my psycho pal, sometimes you draw dicks on his face when he falls asleep on the office couch, sometimes you lie about meeting Julian Assange! Har har har!

...I'm sure Robert Mueller finds it quite amusing, Mr. Stone.

So, Vlad Putin interferes in our election, hacks our energy grid, grins his way through a PowerPoint presentation where he nukes Florida, and, oh yeah, stages a chemical weapons attack on one of our strongest allies' native soil.

So naturally, Government Cheese Goebbels invites him over to the White House for overdone steaks and a rousing game of Connect Four. Which is a totally normal response for an American President to have towards an openly hostile adversary, especially one who has absolutely no piss-based video recordings to be blackmailed with.

Shit, it even turns out that the ONE time Fuck-O seemed to actually stand up to Russia, when he ordered the expulsion of 60 “diplomats?” Even that was bullshit! Now they're saying “Oh, feel free to send us some fresh spies to replace the old ones, they were probably getting tired of How I Met Your Mother reruns anyway.” For fuck's sake.

Il Douche recently booted Gary Cohn from his staff, because Gary's a fuckin’ downer, with his “don't start a trade war, trade wars are bad” wet-blanketry. Having successfully surrounded himself with the macaroni-and-cheese-like comfort of unwavering yes men, Donnie started his trade war anyway, targeting China particularly.

And so the Chinese government imposed a number of retaliatory tariffs, which is, of course, EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING PLANET KNEW THEY'D DO. 128 American products, expertly targeted to stomp hardest on the crotches of the workers who make up the Shart's base.

I don't even have to tell you this was yet another gut punch to the stock market. I guess Nasdaq's down for the year now, nice work, Boss Shart. Never thought I'd need to look back with nostalgic whimsy on the days when the American President didn't deliberately assault his own nation's economy, but here we are.

Of course, the other factor tanking stocks was the thing where the President decided to repeatedly attack an American corporation because the CEO also owns a media company that refuses to operate as a state propaganda outlet.

Won't do jack shit to retaliate against a hostile foreign power that attacks us again and again...wants to bring the full force of the Presidency down on an American company because the owner won't bend the knee. Got it.

Our old chum Georgie Papaderpaderp seems to be back to doing what he does best; getting hammered and shooting his damn fool mouth off.* Some dude says he met George and his wife at a club, and the Famous Coffee Boy drunkenly spouted off about how one Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was up to goofy elf ears in collusion with Russia, cuz he wanted those sweet, sweet e-mails soooooo bad.

Like, Jeff Sessions is William Hurt in BODY HEAT, and the e-mails are Kathleen Turner.

Hey, so Lou Dobbs gets to call in to the Oval Office to weigh in on high-level decisions, that's...more horrifying than Stephen King's entire body of work. Quite the adventure, living in a country where you're governed by a petulant man-baby who disdains expertise in favor of the advice of a raging old bigot from the teevee box.

Speaking of the Best People, Shartcannon 2020 Campaign Manger Parscale seems to be getting itchy for the day when he can finally slap on a uniform and order his political opponents before a firing squad, isn't he? Can't we get rid of that pesky Jim Acosta and replace him with someone more...compliant?

Anyway, I've come to the point where the Delirious Deteriorating Dotard rambled about military spending, for an audience of children, next to the goddamn Easter Bunny, and there's no way I can top that shit. I'm out.

Stay safe, Resisters! It's all kinds of fucked up out there!

*He may yet go down in history as the Drunken Noob That Launched a Thousand Indictments.

Yall Can Have Roseanne, I'm Content Watching Laura Ingraham Get Dragged All Over the Internet

I tell ya folks, as more and more of my life gets packed up into boxes (moving soon), I have fewer and fewer distractions from the daily news horrorshow. My life is down to me, some spoons, and Donald Trump right now, and I kinda hate it.

(As always, post with link is available on my humble site: http://showercapblog.com/yall-can-roseanne-im-content-watching-laura-ingraham-get-dragged-internet/)

Wilbur Ross woke up just long enough to announce that the 2020 census will reinstate questions on immigration status, just another bit of intimidation fuckery from this team of shitty white nationalist goons. Shit, if Stephen Miller gets his way, they'll have follow-ups like “If you answered ‘yes,’ please list your favorite hiding places in and around you home.”

Wee Don is flustered he can't get his wall built. He can't get Mexico to pay for it. He can't get Congress to pay for it. He knows his whole builder/dealmaker image is on line with the wall, and he just can't get it done. He probably orders satellites to photograph the long, wall-less border, forever mocking him for his inadequacy, his tiny-fisted impotent rage.

So now he wants the military to pay for it. Just, y'know, rummage through the couch cushions at the Pentagon, find that spare 25 billion bucks, okay? Maybe if we ask the troops in Afghanistan to go without toilet paper for a year or so. Or boots. BABY WANTS HIS BIG DUMB WALL.

On this week's episode of The Best People, the Shart House added Caroline Sunshine to the press office. Caroline was in the Marmaduke movie and first off I had no idea there was a fucking Marmaduke movie whose fucking idea was THAT we can't cure cancer but somebody looks at a newspaper cartoon that was never funny once in 60 years and says YOU GET A WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE, BORING DOG fucking hell maybe we deserve Trump.

Anyway. Caroline Sunshine OF COURSE has no relevant training or experience and somehow she's not even the first staffer who couldn't find any better resume-filler than “Model U.N.”* but I don't suppose the “we lie all the time and don't care who knows it” shop really requires elite communications talent.

We expected Mitt Romney to run as an anti-Drumpf candidate, and so far he isn't disappointing. Mittens wants the good people of Utah know that he's a different kind of Republican; he's MUCH racister. Mittens wants to be known as the racistest racist in the whole dang GOP, and if he has to mud-wrestle Mike Pence to do it, then LOCK THE DOOR AND TELL MOTHER YOU'RE ON A MISSION TRIP, PUNK!

OH, and the racist fuckheads that run our government decided to deport a bunch of Liberian refugees who've been living peacefully among us for years, so if you live in a swing state and you know that smug college boy who still likes to brag about voting for Jill Stein because there's no difference between the two parties, you have my permission to kick him till he dies.

New polling shows most Americans aren't seeing much, if any extra money in their paychecks after the GOP's Please Enjoy These Scraps From Our Billionaire Donors’ Tables bill, but in fairness, very few of those polled were corporations or hedge funds.

The Kansas state legislature has responded to the public's overwhelming call for commonsense gun control laws by doing all the cocaine in the Midwest, drinking a bunch of cough syrup, slathering their bodies in Crisco, climbing to the top of the Capitol building in Topeka, and screaming "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT INSANITY IS, PEONS!”

Fucking maniacs want to arm teachers, sure, but any twitchy motherfucker can arm a teacher. Kansas wants you to know that in the Sunflower State, shit gets genuinely FREAKY. They want to make districts that refuse to transform their schools into armories legally liable if a shooting takes place! And to make sure everybody knows they're maybe-I-should-cross-to-the-other-side-of-the-street-just-to-be-safe crazy, they wanna make it illegal for insurance companies to charge districts that choose to play Westworld with children's lives even a penny more.

Now, our old friend KKKris KKKobach thinks this gibbering madness doesn't go far enough. Like, maybe replace the ol’ wall-mounted pencil sharpener with a wee Gatling gun? Grenades for the lunch lady? Maybe shoot the first kid who lands in detention, so everybody gets used to the sight of a classmate bleeding out?

Nick Fury nemesis Alex van der Zwaan popped back up in the news this week, as Bashful Bob Mueller used his sentencing as an opportunity to say, “What has two thumbs and was in contact with with a Kremlin-linked Russian intelligence dude during the 2016 election? RICK GATES, THAT'S WHAT.”

The Failing New York Times reports the Marmalade Shartcannon's recently-departed lawyer, John Dowd dressed up as a department store Santa, invited Mike Flynn and Paul Manafort to sit in his lap, and said “You look like a couple of lads who might like a Presidential Pardon, HO HO HO!” So hooray for ethics.

Good news everyone, the emoluments suit against Fat Q*Bert can proceed! All things being equal, I still liked life better before I knew what “emoluments” meant. Now my fucking autocorrect is all “Oh, Cap's talking about emoluments again. What if I'm sharing this charming video of the mating dance of the majestic emu, autocorrect? What then?

So yeah, now SHARTUS is facing lawsuits for accepting bribes and defaming women he sexually assaulted and unfair competition in the restaurant industry, and if I ever get my suit on his lifetime's worth of criminal destruction of Perfectly Good Steaks together, he's REALLY gonna be in trouble.

Julian Assange's parents are so MEAN, you guys! He lost his internet privileges, he's not allowed to have anybody come over and play even though he just got the new MarioKart, and I bet they make him eat a whole bunch of broccoli all the time. Anyway, fuck him.

Hey, remember when Wisconsin courts ordered Scott Walker to hold special elections because it turns out “I'm pretty sure we'll lose” isn't a permissible reason to deny American citizens representation in government? Well, Scotty said “Screw you, The Rule of Law! I'll call a special sessions of the Wisco legislature just to pass a fancy new law that says Democracy is whatever Scott Walker Fucking Says It Is,” because he is a goony little fascist.

Anyhow, the courts said, “Little man, we will grab you by the scrotum and drag you up and down the streets of Madison until you call these elections,” and then Walker whined about Eric Holder for a bit, because he is a bad loser, and relented.

Let's check in real quick with thinkers n’ pundits of the 21st century American right, see what ideas might be percolatin’ in the elite heights of conservative thought. Oh. Um, they seem to be celebrating the fact that Parkland shooting survivor/gun control activist David Hogg got turned down on some of his college applications.

This, finally, is what the conservative moment has come to...gloating that a teenager whose classmates were shot to death didn't get into the college he wanted. Laura Ingraham in particular couldn't restrain herself from tap-dancing with malicious glee.

Ah, but Laura fucked with the wrong teen. These Parkland kids are pretty goddamn savvy, and Hogg wasted no time in digging up a list of Ingraham's advertisers. “Why no, we don't want our product associated with a soulless ghoul who attacks children who survived a massacre, thanks for asking,” was the swift, common, response.

And wouldn't you know it, after years and years and years of being a professional hate-monger, suddenly Laura Ingraham found something to apologize for! Not any of the other vulgar garbage she's vomited up in her garbage career, just the one thing that finally sent the sponsors running. Got it. Alas, advertisers keep leaving anyway, HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Nice job, Hogg & Co. Do Hannity next.

I was raised on the idea that hard work would lead to success, but of course the real world is more complicated. Turns out, if you're willing to lie about an insecure narcissist's height and weight, you could wind up in the line of succession!

Yes, David Shulkin got his grifty ass fired, which is just and fair and right. Of course, Carson and Zinke and Pruitt and Mnuchin, each griftier than the last, get to keep their jobs, so we're not exactly applying consistent ethical standards here, SURPRISE SURPRISE.

And his replacement is to be...Dr. Ronny Jackson, the presidential physician who told America “this obviously obese man is not obese and is also a little bit taller than he actually is but on the bright side he can correctly identify an elephant.”

Does Jackson have any experience managing sprawling bureaucracies? What with the Department of Veterans Affairs being the second-largest federal agency? What a dumb fucking question that is, and I'm a dumb fuck for even asking it.

OF COURSE NOT. Il Douche liked the way he lied on the teevee, so he gets his very own cabinet department to play with. I'm sure he'll orient himself quickly; word is he's chosen Betsy DeVos to his “Cabinet Buddy” mentor!

(Shulkin wrote an angry op-ed on his way out, and I bet he rubbed his bare ass on all the furniture, too. Just to be safe, Dr. Ronny, I'd throw out all the pens.)

Scott Pruitt sent out a set of talking points to EPA staffers demanding they cast doubt on the role of human activity in climate change, which is a bit like Rick Perry telling Americans to pray to the Electricity Gods for their favor before flipping the light switch in the bathroom. Science is, after all...for cucks.

Oh, and he lived in lobbyist's condo for a year, because of course he did.

Elsewhere in the Cabinet, Ben Carson and Mick Mulvaney are scaling back oversight and enforcement at their respective departments, because laws that protect poor people from rich people are just SILLY, aren't they? And Ryan Zinke's probably stealing the cartridges out of the office printers.

Now, Dorito Mussolini can't pull off a simple condolence call, and he won't say jack shit about any American murdered by a white supremacist terrorist. But if a sitcom that mentions him a bunch does well? Well THAT shit merits a congratulatory phone call. You gotta have priorities, right?

So, um...Michael Cohen does not seem to have hired a very good lawyer. He did a little media tour that made Sam Nunberg seem like Dan Rather. But hey, at least he helpfully built a very strong case against his shitbag client.

President Gas Station Urinal Cake must've had another Mueller nightmare, because he woke up screaming bloody murder all over the tweets because...wait, this can't be right...because Amazon uses the U.S Postal Service?

I...bu...wha? Paying USPS to deliver things is...bad? I miss having a President who understood things.

The mustache-twirlers over at ICE apparently decided that they weren't detaining enough pregnant women, so they're changing their official policy, seeking new growth on the Detaining Pregnant Women front, because they are fucking monsters. Family-wrecking thug monsters. When we get past all this shit, we need to burn ICE down and salt the motherfucking earth beneath it.

The President's Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Ol’ Beauregard, has declined at this time to appoint a second Special Counsel to investigate the FBI for...oh, for whatever Devin "Pigfucker” Nunes is blathering about this week. SHARTUS won't be happy to hear that.

Jefferson might be a little on edge these days, what with the news about how the Mueller investigation is asking witnesses about the 2016 Republican National Convention, that Putin-friendly change in the GOP platform regarding arming Ukraine, and those meetings Ol’ Beau had with Ambassador Sergey Kislyak that oh-so-conveniently slipped his mind during his confirmation hearing.

Now, speaking of Mueller...it looks like we're gettin’ to the good stuff.

Following up on the Gates/Van der Zwaan story, CNN says Rugged Robert wasn't interested in Gates to build his case against Manafort, Manafort's already skinned, breaded, and fried. He wanted Gates to go after that chewy Russian collusion core at the center of this Tootsie Pop. How many licks, Donnie? YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT.

NBC reports that Trump, who I'll (sadly) remind everyone is the President of the Whole Dang United States, tells his aides “Hey, anytime we have to do something bad to Russia, let's keep it on the down-low, 'kay?” BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT PUTIN TO GET MAD.

That smirking bald bastard attacks our country, and our Commander in Chief doesn't want to hurt his feelings! It must be nice having the head of your major geopolitical rival as your own personal gimp.

This is just fucking embarrassing at this point. I don't think I could look a bald eagle in the eye right now.

Alright, gang. Thanks for reading, I gotta dive back into packing. Again, I ask your patience over the next few weeks, I may miss some shit here and there.

*We haven't forgotten you, Papaderpaderp.

This New Santorum Says Advice Column is Gonna Be LIT

Gosh, it's been almost quiet lately. Reading the news today, I've barely banged my head on the keyboard in despair and frustration enough to break the skin! (Post available with helpful links at: http://showercapblog.com/new-santorum-says-column-lit/)

Mike Pants emerged from his bunker just long enough tap his boss on the shoulder and say “Excuse me your Normalsizedhandedness, I was wondering, if you weren't too busy shitting on Hispanic people, could you maybe spare a moment to shit on transgender people, too? You didn't get me anything for Xmas,” and then he batted his eyes coquettishly until the Shart agreed to take a fresh new stab at banning transgender troops from military service.

“Anything for you, Matt,” proclaimed the Bonespur Buttplug, who promptly signed the order. Then he dodged the draft one more time, just to be on the safe side.

Everybody knows only the most popular policies get their unveiling late Friday night. Like, “We interrupt this syndicated episode of That 70’s Show to bring you this crotch punt to civil rights and basic human decency.

A much-needed victory for the forces of decency as the March For Our Lives saw massive turnout worldwide! Hundreds of thousands took to the streets with their controversial “It is bad that people keep getting shot to death and we should do something about that” message, which is oddly somehow not universal.

As an added bonus, the Washington, D.C. chapter of the MFOL joined the prestigious list of Events That Outdrew the Velveeta Vulgarian's Inauguration, alongside the Women's March, Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's, and the Line to Ladies Room at Last Weekend's Taylor Swift Concert.

The NRA crowd is...not taking this well. The old “buy off politicians who'll stall any gun control legislation” strategy is on increasingly shaky ground. They can't win any arguments on rational terms, because of course they're just a confederation of frothy maniacal man-children who believe the occasional classroom slaughter is a completely fair price to pay to maintain their demented fantasy of murdering a bunch of American soldiers.

So, backed into a corner and hissing like the possum you found going through your garbage, they've settled on “Let's demonize the fuck out of these teenage school shooting survivors” as their strategy. Yeah.

Look I didn't say it was a GOOD strategy.

Steve King says that since Emma González has a Cuban flag patch on her jacket, she's essentially Castro with Cantaloupe Calves. They've also doctored a GIF of Emma to make it look like she's sneeringly tearing up the U.S. Constitution, because hey, once you've abandoned honesty and shame, why not go all out?

Oh, and they've decided that young David Hogg is basically Hitler now. Because he put his arm up in the air this one time. Hitler. The whole damn internet is full of right-wing psychopaths calling a kid who thinks other kids shouldn't have to worry about being shot to death in school HITLER.

Alex Jones, never one for half measures, suggests the kids are part of a Soros-funded army that wants to kill all the gun owners. And that's just silly. By the way, if you're a gun owner, please leave your address in the comments. I promise you the teen I dispatch to your house is just selling candy bars to raise money for band uniforms. Yes, she needs a knife to do that. Just let her in.

In the midst of all this projectile idiocy, you know you could count on Rick Santorum to claim the jagoff dunce cap. Ricky is tired of these Cuck teens asking for Cuck laws to protect their Cuck lives! Why can't you take some Personal Responsibility™️ and learn CPR so you can be a helpful first responder when your classroom gets shot to pieces? Yeah, this genius thinks every high school kid needs to be a combat medic, remember when he was winning Presidential primaries?

Gags aside, Santorum's just parroting the unbelievable/ridiculous/depressing right-wing line on mass shootings; they're just one o’ those things that happens, like a tornado or a hurricane, and therefore you can't really prevent ‘em, just try to mitigate the damage. It's such a comically bad-faith argument, you'd laugh if they didn't have so much fucking blood on their hands.

...the real distressing theme here is that it seems like it's the very dumbest people in the nation who are the most desperate to be heavily armed. There might be a solution in that, actually. What if we legally mandate that all firearms must be stored in gun safes, and you have to pass a test where you use “your” and “you're” correctly in a sentence before it unlocks? That shit'd save lives.

Anyhoo, while the loons shriek and moan about whether folks call it a “magazine” or a “clip,” let's follow the example of the March organizers, and get a whole bunch of gun sense voters registered to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.

Meanwhile, Tangerine Idi Amin suddenly finds himself rather conspicuously under-lawyered for a guy up to his triple-chin in lawsuits. Operation: Hire the Angry Guy From the Magic Television Box fell through, and all the tweets in the world can't change the fact that nobody wants to represent a traitor who doesn't pay his bills.

Anyway, he got rejected by another couple of lawyers today, who said they'd love to represent the President, but they're washing their hair that night. Also, one of the previous lawyers (who said he just had a lot of homework to catch up on, finals are coming up, otherwise I'd totally be down) went on tv to talk about how abnormal and crazy Boss Shart is. When you ask a lawyer to represent you, and his answer isn't just “No,” but “No, and I'm going on television to shit all over your face,” you know you've got problems.

Plus, Donnie Two-Scoops is extra stressed because he finally had to expel a bunch of Russian diplomats today, just to keep up appearances, but that means Daddy Vlad is gonna get mad, and probably withhold his allowance this week.

Hey, the Secretary of Treasury doesn't know how the Constitution works, that's neat! Yep, ol’ Mnuchbag was out on the Sunday Shoz to talk about how his boss wants a line-item veto to play with. “Yeah, but that's unconstitutional, SCOTUS said so,” the host informed him, and Steve went, “I think Donnie should have a line-item veto if he wants one,” and the host was all “Do you have shit in your ears, it's unconstitutional,” and Steve-O goes, “Well, that's like, just your opinion, man,” and all four faces on Mount Rushmore started crying tears of blood.

The mean ol’ Supreme Court of Pennsylvania told Republicans they don't get to painstakingly handpick their own voters anymore, and now Ryan Costello is taking his ball (and his 93% rating from the NRA) and going home. I miss him already.

The Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes interview aired Sunday night, and OK I GET IT HE WANTS TO FUCK HIS DAUGHTER CAN WE MAYBE AGREE IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL KNOW AND JUST NEVER TALK ABOUT AGAIN ESPECIALLY IN THE CONTEXT OF HIM TELLING WOMEN THEY REMIND HIM OF HER BEFORE HE BOINKS THEM?

She also said that she doesn't find Sharty McFly attractive, which is weird, because he's basically a stack of asses that's been spray-tanned, with a dead prairie dog on top, what's sexier than that?

Oh, and some goon threatened her and her daughter, isn't it neat that the President of the United States behaves like a goony mob movie boss? And not a good mob movie, either. One where they couldn't get De Niro or Gandolfini, so they settled for Danny Aiello.

Mark Zuckerberg has been “invited” to testify before a couple of Congressional committees, which should be extra fun as we keep learning about all the data they've been secretly harvesting over at th'Facebook. Yes, they've got our phone calls and our text messages, probably some stray thoughts about your seventh grade math teacher who looked younger because she had braces.

Still, all this data and all they can think to do with it is try to sell me sweatpants that look like dress pants.

Word at Interior is, Secretary Ryan Zinke isn't having any of this “diversity” guff, because he prefers “excellence,” and if he just happens to define “excellence” as “white dudes who keep their mouths shut while I grift this department blind,” well, so be it.

Yeah, Cowboy Z clearly believes in excellence, as demonstrated by his travel budget. And his door budget. You best believe those $140,000 doors, when they're finished, are getting painted WHITE

And now Stormy's suing Michael Cohen for defamation, which couldn't come at a worse time for anyone, because Donnie Dotard was just about to ask his lawyer if he could borrow his lawyer's lawyer.

I keep seeing articles about Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship surging in the polls for the West Virginia Republican Senate primary, and I start to fear that we haven't even sniffed the bottom of the barrel when it comes to depravity of the GOP base. I can almost imagine Drumpf getting primaried from the RIGHT, by Harvey Weinstein with Dylann Roof as his running mate, with some sort of hideous pro-cancer, let's-outlaw-kittens platform. By mid-century, the Speaker of the House will be a damaged clone of Paul Ryan, who will attempt to reallocate the entire budget to research the Anti-Life Equation.

And now it seems Shart House lawyers are investigating several suspicious-as-fuck loans to the Kushner family bizness to see if young Jar-Jar has maybe been tabling the whole “Peace in the Middle East” thing in favor of the “Please bail my shitty family out of financial trouble, I have access to classified intelligence I'll tell you whatever you want to know” thing. If they find evidence of wrongdoing, I'm sure they'll just promote the fucker, like they did with Kellyanne Conway.

I see where Littlefinger wants to bring Rob Porter back, I guess because he misses those long fireside chats about abusing women. Dear god.

Fine. Bring ‘em all back. Porter and Mike Flynn and Seb Gorka and let's dig up Roy Cohn, prop him up in the corner, and make him Chief of Staff. Burn it all down before Bolton even shows up for first day of work, THAT'D SHOW ‘EM.

Congratulations, Dear Reader, on Surviving a Day in John Bolton's America (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Looking at my Facebook page, I discovered that yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of the first post in the series that would eventually become this blog. Things were kinda nutty that day, and I wrote “this is the most insane day in American politics that I have ever witnessed.” God, I was so young.

Anyhow. I want to start tonight's blog with an inspirational tale. (You can find all tonight's madness, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/congratulations-dear-reader-surviving-day-john-boltons-america/)

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously said, “there are no second acts in American lives.” I bring this up now both to seem fancy and intelligent, and also to talk about an American now seeing an unlikely late-career renaissance, which is the only reason anybody ever dusts off that old quote; to say FUCK YOU F. SCOTT FITZGERALD, YOU WERE SO FUCKING WRONG, I'VE GOT YOUR SECOND ACT RIGHT HERE.

Anyway. Back to the inspirational tale. You may want to put on some Vangelis for this shit.

Because in the United States of America, you can always bounce back, even after you've hit rock bottom. Even if you've been exiled from your field, shunned by even those who ought to be allies. Even if you should find yourself at the point where no reasonable human being would consider giving you post of any consequence, your dreams can still come true. You can climb back to the top of mountain. In fact, you can achieve heights you'd never known before.

God, that's inspirational as fuck. That's like doing an 8 ball in a room full of cat posters.

Regrettably, I'm talking John Bolton.

Yes, Bolton's wettest dream just came true, because Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops finally got tired of dumb ol’ H.R. McMaster making him eat his peas and telling him who he could and couldn't bomb. Because the Murderous Mustache couldn't possibly get through a confirmation hearing without being tased by at least 80 Senators, he gets to be National Security Advisor, spending his days frolicking around the Oval Office, dumping his fantasies of raining apocalyptic destruction down on Iran and North Korea and oh probably Switzerland those smug neutral clockmaking bastards directly into the brain of a willing rube who knows precisely shit about shit beyond how much he fears being seen as “weak.”

And there's no shortage of folks much smarter than me absolutely losing their shit over this appointment.

Me, I'm looking on the bright side. Knowing Bolton has President Skidmark's ear will give us all a renewed sense of gratitude, right? You'll be sitting around on a quiet Thursday afternoon, you'll look up from your phone and think to yourself, “Hey. The sun in shining and John Bolton hasn't gotten us all killed yet,” and that will be some straight zen shit.

...unless of course, on his very first day, he finishes his swearing-in and immediately marches over to the military aide that's carrying the nuclear football, shanks him, thrusts the briefcase into the President's (tiny, inadequate) hands, and says, “Let's end some civilizations, boss.”

Meanwhile, Diamond Joe Biden and The Man With Phalangeal Stunting keep threatening to beat each other up, but the only real loser in this fight is anyone who read a think piece about it.

John Dowd finally ran screaming from Fat Q*Bert's legal team, like the last survivor of a haunted house slasher flick. Dowd was reportedly tired of the President ignoring his advice, while Drumpf was in turn disappointed in his lawyer's inability to magically enable him to escape decades worth of criminal activity without consequences.

Dowd can now be spotted in various Washington, D.C. public parks, sniffing dandelions and giggling “I'm free....FREE!!!” to himself.

Rumored additions to the Shart's legal team have hit some snags. Perhaps slobbering maniacal telepundit Joseph diGenova isn't “right for the job” after all. Meanwhile all reputable firms keep turning the gig down, despite the attractive “I'm totally guilty, I won't listen to you, and I have a long history of refusing pay people” package the President offers.

Speaking of legal problemz, the Marmalade Shartcannon was issued a summons in an emoluments suit. I think there's room for zany farce about the Poo Mistake's lawyers struggling to keep his various lawsuits straight. Like, imagine the moment Jay Sekulow realizes he's mistakenly brought the injunction against Stormy Daniels releasing dick pics to the emoluments trial and wearily says “Your Honor, I did it again!” and then we cut to commercial.

A little much-needed good news here, as Kellyanne Conway solved the opioid crisis! If you crazy kids would just stop counting calories and allow yourself a french fry now and again, you wouldn't need drugs, you sillies! So we're replacing all the methadone clinics with Burger Kings, and the problem is TOTALLY SOLVED NOW.

Anyway, I'm gonna go re-cut TRAINSPOTTING so that Tommy deals with his emotional problems with junk food instead of heroin and winds up opening an artisanal ice cream shop with Sick Boy.

President String-of-Used-Anal-Beads-Found-on-a-Playground escalated his little hobby trade war with China, and the stock market tanked, which is what everyone said would happen. Oddly, the strategy of Firing Anybody Who Tells You What You Don't Want to Hear doesn't actually isolate one from the entirely predictable consequences of boneheaded decisions.

China wasted no time whatsoever in announcing retaliatory tariffs because THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN A TRADE WAR YOU DOORKNOB! They're hitting America's farmers particularly hard, in an effort to turn the President's political base against the steel tariffs. Again, Trade War 101.

Me, I say If China really wants to go after the MAGArat crowd, they should figure out some way to jack up the price of meth.

Guccifer 2.0, the hacker of the DNC, has officially been outed as a Russian intelligence officer, and not a 400 pound dude in his mom's basement. So yeah, further evidence that Putin n’ Palz perpetrated an attack on our nation, but please be sure to sign the “Congrats on Your Totally Legitimate Reelection, Vlad” card that's going around the office.

While they're damaging to Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet, I for one wish these sex scandal stories would go away, if only because I'm tired of the images they conjure...like a rotting sweet potato tumbling around in a laundromat dryer. Ew.

Karen McDougal described her affair with Littlefinger in an interview with CNN, saying he tried to pay her like a prostitute, and complimented her beauty by comparing her to, and YOU KNOW THIS WHERE THIS IS GOING...Ivanka.

...like, this shit is almost too uncouth for even ME to get into, but there are so many of these stories now...I just want a President who doesn't want to fuck his own daughter, okay? Is that asking so much?

Anyway, The Art of the Deal (For Dating!) hits shelves this fall.

Jim Risch is one of those Senators you never hear about. You kind of assume he just sits in the back row, playing Angry Birds on his phone, and passing notes with Jerry Moran making fun of Rand Paul during filibusters.

Anyway, Risch almost shut down the government because he found out the omnibus spending bill contained a provision renaming a forest after a dead guy he happens to hate. No jokes, friends. That is a true fuckin’ story. If we survive this shit, that's a Trivial Pursuit question.

Speaking of the spending bill, Wee Don decided the time had finally come to draw a line in the sand! “I can veto stuff, y'know!” he proclaimed, “And I'm not signin’ this here bill unless I get my Big Stupid Wall!”

And thus the Shart of the Deal rolled up and his sleeves, and set to work doing the one thing he is famous for doing, despite a rather conspicuous lack of evidence of any skill whatsoever in the field: DEALMAKING.

Within mere hours, the results were breathtaking! He waddled out for the cameras, whined for a few minutes, and, without extracting a concession on anything even as significant as the color of the paper the bill the was printed on, he signed the fucking thing anyway.

Truly I did not know what “awe” meant until that moment.

Oh, and he asked congress to grant him line-item veto powers. Old man, they don't even let you keep grown-up scissors in the Resolute desk.

Our old chum Georgie Papaderpaderp popped back up in the news today, and you have to credit the Drumpf campaign for entrusting so many weighty responsibilities to a coffee boy. Yes, he was wheelin’ and dealin’ all over the place, with the approval of high-ranking shitbirds like Mike Flynn and Steve Bannon, which contradicts another round of stories this administration has told us, and I'm starting to question these folks’ trustworthiness.

Scott Walker got sued because he was refusing to hold special elections in Wisconsin, and he lost, because I guess “We can't hold elections because we'd get our asses kicked, Your Honor, holy hell America's finally on to just how utterly devoid of decency the Republican Party really is,” didn't turn out to be a winning argument.

What else've we got? Ok, first of all, let me say, “The news is shitty enough this week, fuck you for making me think about Roy Moore again.”

Second of all, here's the latest Roy Moore news: a couple of his supporters, accompanied by a pair of Breitbart goons, excuse me, “reporters” tried to bribe a lawyer representing one of Judge Pedocreep's accusers. The pitch was apparently ten grand to sign a statement saying “this crazy broad is lying,” and giving BB the exclusive as a cherry on top.

Now, obviously, this is pretty fucking repulsive. But let me just say to the shitbags who attempted this little scheme, if you're gonna bribe somebody to risk their professional reputation, you best offer terms better than Ryan Zinke's door budget.

Ok, that's all I got, people. See you tomorrow at the March For Our Lives, right? Remember, we're gonna take Earl's guns first, and circle through the neighborhood counter-clockwise from there!

It's My Presidency, & I'll Congratulate Who I Want To, and Other Hits (ShowerCap/Ferret)

Days like this, I have to wonder if I'm in the Matrix, y'know? Hey, if I'm in the Matrix, and you're reading this and you control the Matrix, could I maybe get hooked to up to a less stressful environment? Like maybe Dresden during the firebombing?

(As usual, you can find this piece, with helpful links at: http://showercapblog.com/presidency-ill-congratulate-want-hits/)

Since superheroes are so popular these days (why, this very blog was composed by a masked marvel), let's start things off by meeting Washington's new super team; The Amazing, Uncanny, Fantabulous, Weather-Changing Jews! Yes, a D.C. city councilman (and a Democrat, I guess we can't let the opposition have ALL the lunatics) got all mad at “the Rothschilds” for making it snow. Anyhow, enjoy your “Sorry I'm a big idiot bigot” tour, Trayon White, and maybe readjust those dreams of a bright political future.

Velveeta Goebbel’s new strategy to surround himself with people who tell him only what he wants to hear is going swimmingly, thank you very much. He saw this dude, Joseph diGenova, on the teevee, babbling baseless conspiracy theories about the “Deep State,” or maybe the "Floating Little Fat People,” and said "PUT THIS MAN ON THE PAYROLL," because that's how his brain works, aren't you glad he can launch nuclear missiles whenever the whim strikes him?

Lord. Well, make sure he pays you up front, Joe.

Please God, let there be a televised trial. Please let the world watch this utterly unqualified clown car “legal team” try to defend this petty goon's decades-spanning criminal career. It'll be Devil's Advocate meets Dude, Where's My Car?

Il Douche also wanted to add Theodore Olson, who is a real actual lawyer, to his team, and that news was out there for about four minutes before Olson's firm hired a skywriter to spell out “FUCK NO” across the D.C. skies.

So we all know the Marmalade Shartcannon isn't exactly a policy wonk. He wants a Big Stupid Useless Wall, he wants to deport brown people, and beyond that...”whatever you want, Paul, just let me slap my name on it.”

But now he's got an idea of his very own, and he's prancing about like a boy who pulled up his pants for the very first time. He's like Harold Hill, singing “River City's gonna have A GREAT BIG FUCKING GALLOWS FOR DRUG DEALERS!”

Yeah, Donnie Two Scoops’ big idea is “Let's Murder Our Way Out of the Opioid Crisis.” The idea of implementing the death penalty for drug dealers is, of course, as psychotic as it is unconstitutional. It's also tremendously unpopular. It also reveals that our President envies a thug like Rodrigo Duterte, which is equal parts horrifying and embarrassing.

We were all thrilled to hear Sarah Huckabee Sanders declare the Austin bombings don't count as terrorism! Everyone immediately stopped feeling terrorized by the reign of terror that had previously gripped the city until the Shart House heroically proclaimed "Nah, white guy, not terrorism,” because everything was fine then. The bomber committed suicide, by bomb, so he was a LITERAL SUICIDE BOMBER, but somehow not a terrorist, thanks for clearing that up, Sarah.

Hey Cambridge Analytica, YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA! And you're 31 flavors of fucked now! Bragging about blackmail and hookers and all kinds of shady shit. Oh, and they're also quite proud of getting a certain Giant Orange Rectal Tumor elected, so they're unlikely to win many friends.

Anyway, CA has “suspended” Alexander Nix, while the Mercers have oh-so-cleverly shifted him over to brand new company they've decided to call “Emerdata Limited,” after briefly flirting with the name “Totally Not Cambridge Analytica Wink Wink.”

Facebook's taking the “sure we'll apologize and testify before Congress now that you've caught us with our pants down” tack, and if I have to watch a Jesse Eisenberg movie about this shit, heads are gonna fucking ROLL.

Dr. Ben Carson got dragged before congress for his “the FUCK are you doing spending 31 grand on a fucking table, Ben?” scolding, and he brought a bright, shiny, bus to throw his wife under. It was his wife who picked out the table, y’see, BROADS, AMIRIGHT, but then you have to ask WHAT THE LIVING FUCK MAKES YOU IMAGINE YOUR FUCKING WIFE IS ALLOWED TO SPEND TAXPAYER MONEY? and then Carson just got to go back to his job, without consequences, because ethics are for CUCKS.

Meanwhile, Noted Whacko/Tragically Somehow a U.S. CongressWhacko Claudia Tenney says it was the DEEP STATE that ordered the dastardly dining set, because where most human beings have a brain, Claudia has only a small malnourished vole, gnawing on a bleach-soaked cotton ball.

We learned what sorts of questions Rugged Robert Mueller wants to ask Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, which goes a long way towards explaining the week's Presidential Twitter Tantrums. Mueller wants to know things like “What was that ‘Comey firing’ thing all about?” and “You're a grown-ass man, why can't you tie a necktie to an appropriate length?”

And even as the President rages, the congressional GOP refuses to pass legislation to protect the Mueller investigation, I guess because they're hoping a comet ends all life on Earth before they face the inevitable reckoning for their craven collaboration.

When Pearl Harbor was bombed, Franklin Delano Roosevelt delivered the still-famous “Infamy Speech,” rousing and uniting the nation against the aggression of a warlike foe.

When Vladimir Putin attacked our democracy, and then further ordered a chemical weapons attack on the soil of our closest ally, Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Can I please have my allowance now, Vlad?”) delivered the equally-famous “Bro! Congrats on your big election win, You Oppressive Dictator, You!” phone call, uniting the nation once more, this time in shame.

Hitting the g-spot on the hilarious/tragic axis, we learned that the Accidental Poosquirt bucked his handlers...excuse me, “advisors,” who had actually written DO NOT CONGRATULATE on his briefing materials, possibly accompanied by a scratch n sniff sticker to make sure he noticed it.

I'm told General Kelly has had similar luck with his DO NOT PISS HERE signs, posted near various plants and historic vases in the West Wing.

Additionally, it turns out that Trump’s First Theorem of Pussy-Grabbing, “When you're a star, you can do anything,” is facing a number of serious challenges.

A judge ruled that Summer Zervos’ defamation lawsuit can proceed, despite the “But I'm the PRESIDENT” whining-based defense his lawyers have been pushing.

Plus, Karen McDougal is suing the company that owns the National Enquirer, looking to liberate her surely-revolting story of trumpgrinding from “catch and kill” purgatory.

And Stormy Daniels continues to be the skidmark down the crack of the President's white golf pants, with news of her “Yup, we boinked” lie detector test filling America's collective mind with entirely unwanted images. Oh, and her 60 Minutes interview, which will certainly be watched by more people than viewed Shart Garfunkel's inauguration ceremony, airs this Sunday.

The National Republican Congressional Committee took an odd little victory lap over a close race in the Democratic Party primary election in the Illinois 3rd last night. Yeah, guys...a centrist and a progressive ran neck-and-neck in that one. Maybe y’all forgot that an ACTUAL, LITERAL, NAZI ran unopposed on YOUR side of IL-03? Congrats on being the party running A NAZI for the United States Congress. Bonus points for the 20,000 GOP voters who said, Yessir, That Nazi is the Man to Represent Me in Washington!

MY party isn't running ANY Nazis. That's the end of any argument the NRCC feels like picking today.

Fux Nooz analyst Colonel Ralph Peters stole a bunch of office supplies, pissed on the break room floor, and resigned in a huff, sending a surly letter proclaiming his outrage about the network's transformation into a “propaganda machine.”

Ralph, what in the Blue Hell did you think Fox was before? I hope this guy leaves his brain to science, because I'd LOVE to learn at exactly what point during the decades of dishonesty, fear-mongering, sexism, racism, birtherism, homophobia, etc. his decency canary finally died. “Endless shrieking about Vince Foster is one thing, but at a certain point, a gentleman must say NO MORE.” Fuuuuuuuuck you.

Didja see where the RNC is paying the Drumpf Organization hundreds of thousands of dollars to hold events at properties the Grand Wizard Grifter owns? GodDAMN that shit makes me laugh. He's crotch-stomping your entire party, and you're paying him for the privilege. Like, “Thank you Mr. President, we couldn't have lost that Alabama Senate seat withoutcha! HAVE SOME MORE OF OUR MONEY.”

Friends, sometimes I feel like I feed you nothing but shit sandwiches on this blog, so I'm always happy when I can give you some good news.

And today? Today I have red velvet cupcake for you, with sumptuous cream cheese frosting. Today, for the first time in years, the NRA’s approval rating is under water. That's the sweetest news I've read since October, 2016.

Hey, remember the other day when Jeff Sessions un-recused himself just long enough to fire Andrew McCabe a few hours before he earned his pension? Well, funny story, it turns out Ol’ Beauregard was actually firing a guy who authorized an earlier investigation into...well, into JEFF SESSIONS over his wacky, under-oath-during-his-Senate-confirmation-hearings memory lapses about various meetings with Russians.

Now that's CRAZY. The Attorney General of the United States of America firing a dude who investigated him? And out of pure vindictiveness, since the guy was about to retire anyway? Holy shit.

Wanna know what's even CRAZIER?

Jeff Sessions will still be Attorney General tomorrow.

If Eric Holder did this, and if Obama were tied to the firing the way Drumpf is to McCabe's, the impeachment trial would start before today's bread goes stale.

Speaking of criminals in the executive branch, it looks like Kellyanne Conway's punishment for multiple Hatch Act violations will be...a promotion! A communications director famed worldwide for her comical lack of honesty? Makes sense t'me! Expect press briefings to begin with a moment of silence commemorating the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre.

Hey, Rick Saccone finally conceded, in that one special election. You remember. The one in the deep-red district Drumpfy won by 20 points? The one where he held a big fancy (Klan) rally? Yeah. That one. Hee hee hee.

There was a fun little story about the Saudi Crown Prince bragging about how he had his very own pet Jar-Jar inside the American government. Dude even says Kushner passed him classified intel on his enemies, that's fun! At least he didn't have a private e-mail server, RIGHT?

More bad news for the Weaseliest Grifter, as New York City opened new investigations into a dozen Kushner Korporation properties over their recently revealed history of Pulling Paperwork Directly Out of Their Asses. I'm starting to think that Jared boy is something less than honest.

Ok. That's what I've got, folks. I've probably missed a bunch of shit. I'm in the middle of a move, so things'll get a little spotty for the next few weeks. I beg your patience in advance.
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