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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 255

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Cap's Soapbox: I Like Presidents Who Aren't Scared of Drizzle, Okay? (Ferret/Shower Cap)

I hope you'll bear with me, True Believers, as I dedicate today's post to the late great Stan Lee. I'm sure I don't need to talk about his influence on me, you probably gleaned it from the tone. Or maybe the outfit. Anyhow, let's call this one...Cap's Soapbox.

(As always, this post is available on my site, will all those helpful news links: http://showercapblog.com/caps-soapbox-i-like-presidents-who-arent-scared-of-drizzle-okay/)

That filthy liberal rag, the Wall Street Journal, says it's seen evidence that Orange Julius Caesar was personally involved in paying out all that hush money to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, which makes him a liar and, let me shout this for the folks in the back, A CRIMINAL. I must have missed Trey Gowdy and the rest of the investigation-horny House GOP demanding an inquiry, though. I'm sure they'll get around to it.

I see our old chum Jeff Sessions burned one last cross on America's lawn on the way out the door, signing a last-minute directive aimed at making it more difficult to hold abusive police departments accountable for civil rights violations, because hey, what good is local law enforcement if it doesn't preserve the supremacy of subpar white dudes like Ol’ Beauregard?

As if on cue, police in Robbins, Illinois, shot and killed a black man who had subdued an actual shooter at the bar where he worked as a security guard. See, you have to squint to see it, but the fine print on the “good guy with a gun” theory the NRA is so fond of spinning reads, “whites only.”

Whelp, I guess we can add “Democracy” to the increasingly-distressing list of Things That are Partisan Now, alongside once uncontroversial ideas like “sexual assault is bad,” “pedophiles probably shouldn't be Senators,” and “it would be better if hostile foreign nations didn't meddle in our elections.”

But yeah. They're treating the act of counting votes like it's some sort of satanic ritual performed by reefer-smoking African-American abortion doctors. Counting votes is a vast international criminal conspiracy funded by George Soros. Counting votes would be the worst thing since the Holocaust, if the Holocaust were real.

Rick Scott practically called in a damn SWAT team to stop folks from counting votes. He's filed lawsuits to have cops impound voting machines (and, thankfully, lost). Taking a cue from his neighbor, anti-democracy zealot Brian Kemp, he's abusing the power of his current office in his quest for the next one. I feel like my 7th grade civics textbook left some shit out, y'know?

And of course, utterly baseless claims of voter fraud are all the rage in the right-wing screechosphere. I'll say this for the GOP, they've certainly internalized the lesson that their manic base will never, ever, ask for evidence so long as you give them a fresh new reason to rage and bitch and moan at liberals. And if it winds up burning American democracy to the ground, well, the important thing is that white folks get all the best ashes, right?

President Crotchrot himself got in on the action, because hey, it's never too early to get started on delegitimizing all those democratic institutions that are increasingly holding you accountable for your many crimes, right? In Shart-O's defense, the office of the Presidency is the only thing standing between him and god knows how many felony indictments, and he seems rather dangerously unpopular with those pesky voters. I just hope the country survives his panic.

No, the Velveeta Vulgarian does not seem to enjoy Democracy, especially in light of the Blue Wave that washed away so many of his sniveling congressional enablers last week. Even engaging in one of his favorite hobbies, hurling racist insults at black reporters, failed to improve his mood, perhaps because his open racism has reshaped the electoral map to his own detriment?

And then he flew to France for what was supposed to be his consolation parade, after his own attempts to play dress-up Generalissimo proved too expensive, only to be thwarted by his most feared and dangerous foe: A Small Amount of Rain.

So Baron Golfin von Fatfuk sat in his hotel room and seethed as world leaders roasted him one after another for his frailty. Surly old bastard's probably gone through six or seven Emmanuel Macron voodoo dolls by now.

The California wildfires seem to have cheered him up a bit, killing a number of residents in a state that didn't vote for him, and giving him an opportunity to petulantly threaten to cut off federal funding, while simultaneously demonstrating his trademark Ignorance of Basically Everything, in assigning blame to...fuck, I can't even make sense of it. Whatever the voices in his head told him to scream at that day.

I think it's kind of weird to see the President essentially side with a natural disaster against American citizens, but we live in interesting times. Anyway, he's an international laughingstock condemned by first responders’ organizations, but he'll always have Sean Hannity.

We learned that the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits doesn't know the difference between the Balkans and the Baltics, surprising literally not one human being anywhere on Earth. That he took his mistake so far that he yelled at the leaders of the Baltic nations for starting the war in Yugoslavia also surprised literally no one human being anywhere on Earth.

There's lots and lots of exciting new pornography available these days, in the thrilling new “midterms post-mortem” genre, and you should be sure to check some of it out. Easily the finest example of pure, unrefined, schadenfreude comes from the tidbit that while KKKris KKKobach was too lazy to actually campaign, he made time for a tour of the Kansas Governor's Mansion, BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! We can only hope that he literally measured the drapes.

Kellyanne Conway helpfully addressed the Acosta video controversy by insisting the video the Shart House shared wasn't altered except for the way in which it was altered. Shitty Orwell Theatre strikes again.

Faced with the unique problem that even the highest honors he is empowered to bestow would be rejected by any decent human being if offered by his (tiny, inadequate) hand, the Marmalade Shartcannon devised a clever workaround, in awarding his tainted Presidential Medal of Freedom to some dead people, Withered Hate Raisin Orrin Hatch, and loathsome GOP megadonor Miriam Adelson. He's certainly leaving no aspect of the Presidency un-degraded. We may never get the ketchup-and-Diet-Coke stains out of Resolute desk.

I guess Steve King is now Extra Special Deluxe Officially Racist, because the Weekly Standard has a recording of him hanging out with other racists while they all say racist shit to each other. I confess I'm confused when I see King out in the media, denying that he's Klan-level bigot; it's sort of his whole brand. It's like watching a 3 Musketeers bar insist that it's not filled with nougat.

Cindy Hyde-Smith, who is a fucking United States Senator in the 21st century, was looking to praise some rancher who endorsed her, and apparently could imagine no higher compliment than “If he invited me to a public hanging, I’d be on the front row.”

In Mississippi. Jesus fuck.

I'm trying to fathom the sort of mind that expresses gratitude or admiration in terms of How Much I Wanna Watch a Lynching With You, but I confess I'm coming up short. Maybe Cindy can launch a new line of Valentines Day cards for the far right. Shit like “I'd throw migrant children in cages for U,” or “Tear down the wall around your heart so we can build one on the border.”

Anyway, Hyde-Smith, who refuses to apologize*, is still heavily favored in the Mississippi Senate run-off, because for some reason we insisted on letting the South back in Union after the Civil War. Democrat Mike Espy is a long, long, long shot, but I certainly won't stop you if you want to donate to his campaign.

And I see 2018 has brought us the indelible image of a gaggle of shitty little white boys, decked out in their shitty little prom clothes, throwing the goddamn Nazi salute. The school's mascot is probably Stephen Miller's bald spot. As depressing as this picture is, let it remind you that the fight is ongoing, and never-ending. Nice wins lately, but don't take your foot off the gas.

Satellite images reveal that North Korea continues its ballistic missile program in numerous secret sites, despite the Shart of the Deal's insistence that he won a commitment to disarm and can he please have his Nobel Prize now? Students of high stakes diplomacy are building a complex theory of the Trump Doctrine, one that posits it's probably best to work out the verifiable details of a signed treaty before you mint challenge coins.

President Valor Thief observed Veterans Day with his customary grace and class. Or he would have, were it not for that verdammte Small Amount of Rain, which kept him from visiting Arlington National Cemetery, despite the fact that it's RIGHT BY HIS HOUSE. Y'know, maybe if we just hire somebody to perch above Strawberry Shartcake's bedroom window with a watering can, we can pass the next couple of years in relative peace.

Maybe he wanted to stay dry, and hang out with his new Acting Attorney General, who was involved with a company that scammed vets out of their life savings. Or maybe he wanted to focus on his tweet calling for our military personnel serving overseas to be officially disenfranchised in Florida. Maybe he was too busy planning that trip to visit the troops in combat zones that he's been avoiding. Maybe he was thinking of the soldiers staring down a Thanksgiving spent apart from their families, deployed uselessly at the border for his forgotten last-minute political stunt.

Or maybe he's just a festering asshole who doesn't care about people generally, or veterans specifically.

Apparently not content with their midterm electoral drubbing, the turd-gargling death merchants at the NRA helpfully launched a new mass movement against themselves with a snotty tweet ordering “self-important” doctors to “stay in their lane” and shut their dirty, life-saving, pie holes about gunz. Since then, social media has been full of images of medical professional in blood-soaked scrubs, and stories of treating (and more often than not losing) the victims of gun violence. It's served to shine a new and tremendously large spotlight on the human cost of letting the frothiest gun nuts dictate laws for the rest of us. Thanks for the massive own-goal, NRA. You're closer than ever to the dustbin of history.

Birther Jagoff/Roger Stone Pal Jerome Corsi says he's about to be indicted, victim of the Bobadook and his wily “perjury trap,” which is an interested way of spinning “I lied to the FBI and they caught me.” I'll be up all night weeping for him, I'm sure. Anyway, Rog sure does seem t'be sweatin' these days.

And after a few days of joyfully refreshing the Arizona senate results every few hours, watching Kyrsten Sinema's lead grow and grow, she was finally proclaimed the official winner of the Arizona Senate seat Jeff Flake has been trembling ineffectually in for the last few years. Oh, and there are still a few House races yet to be called, and we're favored to flip a few more seats, so if you're tired of winning, TOUGH SHIT, THERE'S STILL MORE WINNING TO COME.

Alright. This has been Cap's Soapbox. I can't think of any better way to sign off than by saying...



We Can Talk About Sessions and Acosta, Sure. But Let's Celebrate that Sweet, Sweet Blue Wave! (F/SC)

Hey there Shower Captives! How does it feel to have a few big fat fuckin’ WINS under your belt? How does it feel to have finally, FINALLY installed some checks on this wannabe-authoritarian goon squad's power? I'm pretty sure it feels good, though I haven't sobered up since about 6:30 Tuesday night, so I can't say for certain.

(As is customary, you can find this post, with all those fancy links n’ stuff, at: http://showercapblog.com/we-can-talk-about-sessions-and-acosta-sure-but-lets-celebrate-that-sweet-sweet-blue-wave/)

Well, by now I'm sure you're all totally worn out by the wall-to-wall coverage of the migrant caravan, which draws ever nearer to-HAHAHAHAHHAHAH totally kidding that turned out to be exactly what it looked like, a trick to weaponize the news media as a GOTV tool for Shart Garfunkel’s shitty, fearful, racist base! And it worked! And now we can move on until the next time he feels like playing that particular fiddle.

Just before the midterms, a couple of Fux Nooz hosts hopped up onstage at one of Government Cheese Goebbels’ little hate rallies, a major no-no that would've gotten anybody at an actual news network immediately fired. But since Fux is actually nothing more than an elaborate dumbass-brainwashing machine, Judge Jeanine and Sean Hannity will likely face significantly lighter punishment, like maybe having their office fridges filled with Tab for a week.

As for the midterms themselves? We'll get to that in a minute.

Flash forward to Wednesday.

Desperate to change some headlines following the rather thorough paddling administered by the electorate, Dorito Mussolini threw a little press conference, apparently intended to demonstrate how utterly terrified he is of being held accountable by the incoming Congress. He stamped and moaned and yelled at the mean ol’ press for their unforgivable insistence on reporting all the shitty things he does, and generally came off like, well, like a spoiled little rich boy with debilitating narcissism who doesn't know how to cope with not getting what he wants. Funny, that.

And then a Shart House intern was dispatched to literally snatch the microphone out of Jim Acosta's hand, mid-question, and I tell you folks, I really need to come up with some funnier synonyms for “straight-up banana republic shit” going forward, or this blog is gonna get awfully repetetive.

Shit got significantly more cray when the Keystone SS Agents in the press shop used the incident to rescind Acosta's credentials, claiming somewhat hilariously that he had assaulted the intern in question, despite, y'know...a room full of cameras proving otherwise.

So Sarah Huckleberry Slanders, America's own personal grimacing Mouth of Sauron, tweets out a video of the incident...that's been DOCTORED BY FUCKING INFOWARS. Yes, the website run by the emotional terrorist who was most recently seen shrieking at a literal pile of poo, figured they'd remove Acosta's instinctual “Pardon me, ma’am” from the audio track, and for good measure tweak the speed here and there to make it appear that Jim was auditioning for some sort of Iron Fist reboot.

Now, one the one hand, it's legit terrifying that our government is doing this. Intentionally circulating falsified evidence from an official White House account? Yeah, that's Orwell-for-Dummies shit. And of course, it'll be accepted not only unquestioningly, but most merrily by a large chunk of their demented base, which is really quite well-trained to fear and despise any perceived enemies without asking for any of that pesky “evidence.”

On the other hand...hey assholes, your base-only approach got your party taint-punted over the horizon on Tuesday! A clear majority of Americans see right through this clumsy crap. And it makes us double and re-double our efforts to boot your crooked asses out once and for all, every single time. It's horrifying fascism, yes, but it's coming from folks with Velcro on their jackboots because they can't handle laces.

...thank GOD these people aren't smarter.

Hey, how long did your heart stop when you got that push notification about Ruth Bader Ginsburg getting hospitalized? WOOOOOOOOOO. But of course it'll take more that a few cracked ribs to keep the Notorious RBG down. However, her scheduled cage match with Steve Bannon may be postponed for a week.

Another motherfucking mass shooting, this time at a bar in southern California, killing 12. The shooter appears to be a marine veteran, possibly suffering from PTSD, which is just goddamn tragic. Especially, it would seem, to the right wing fucknutosphere, which giddily reported the shooter was Middle Eastern, only to have him turn out to be yet another murderous white male. Anyway, everyone dutifully issued retractions and apologies and HAHAHA HERE'S ANOTHER UPDATE ON THAT CARAVAN, SUCKERS.

Senator-Elect/Soulless Person-Shaped Husk Marsha Blackburn broke the land speed post-shooting indecency record, skipping over the thoughts and the prayers (both!) to cut directly to ranting about how it's the second amendment, and not human lives, that must be protected in the aftermath of the latest completely avoidable slaughter. “We must fight to secure the right of all future Americans to have their lives senselessly cut short at any moment, in any location. I want to make sure that tomorrow's grief-wrecked parents get to experience all the same feelings of loss, confusion, and horror as today's,” said Blackburn, probably.

I just wish more people had listened to Tay-Tay, is all I'm sayin’

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III became the latest Drumpf lackey to learn the true meaning of that scorpion story Fat Q*Bert is so fond of telling. Ah, Jeff, you gave him legitimacy when he had none, and now where are you? Unemployed, and exiled from the movement as a heretic. Were it not for the potentially catastrophic consequences of your firing, I could put down a whole goddamn case of MGD celebrating your humiliation, but I have a country to worry about, so fuck you for that too.

Jeff Sessions is one the very worst people in America today. A resentful little troll driven by ignorance and hate, his disturbingly long public career was devoted exclusively to preserving the unearned supremacy of Mediocre White Dudes, who should probably make him their patron saint. As Attorney General, he woke up every day, skipped to the office, sat down at his desk, and tried to hurt as many people as he could before quittin’ time rolled around. He did everything in his power to keep brown-skinned folks either out of the country or in prison for minor drug offenses. He rolled back protections for minorities wherever possible. I wish him shingles and gout and perpetual sunburns on those ridiculous ears.

So, the Acting Attorney General seems to be a dog-eared copy of a Bill O'Reilly novel, crusty from the long-dried spooj of whatever wingnut kept in on his bedside table. Unconstitutionally appointed, no less.

Seriously, this Whitaker doofus is a hack even by the standards of the administration that figured Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos should be cabinet secretaries. A goddamn hot tub salesman. Wait, no. A FAKE hot tub salesman. How did he get here? Well, Littlefinger saw him on the magic teevee box and liked the way he belched up lies and talking points, so he was made Sessions’ chief of staff/replacement-in-waiting. RAD.

(And what's tragically hilarious here is, Whitaker apparently pursued this strategy intentionally. Go on television, massage the Presidential ego, and then sit back and wait until enormous power gets dropped directly in your lap. HA HA HA IF ANYONE NEEDS ME I'LL BE DIGGING A FALLOUT SHELTER IN THE BACK YARD.)

Anyway, yeah, an utterly unqualified stooge is now running the Justice Department and overseeing the Mueller investigation. Would you like fries with your constitutional crisis?

And recounts seem to be on the menu in Florida! Andrew Gillum's race is close enough to trigger a mandatory machine recount. Bill Nelson's is close enough for a MANUAL recount. And there's a lotta smoke and noise right now, but maybe there's some shady shit goin’ down. Point is, nothing is over. We're in for another fight.

Nervous Republicans all the way up to Marco Rubio and Ronna **Romney** McDaniel have chosen to spin the simple act of making sure every vote is counted into a massive Democratic conspiracy theory to steal the election, confident their perpetually-inflamed rube base will accept and spread their horseshit without any factual support whatsoever.

...and they're right.

But let's just take a quick minute to appreciate how Democrats are FIGHTING this shit, huh? Gone are the days of “Oh, those rascally Republicans and their vote suppression! They got away with it again!” Nah. Stacey Abrams will not be conceding, thank you very much. Oh, and by the way, she CERTAINLY won this election. Even after Brian Kemp pulled out every dirty trick in the voter suppression book, and invented a few new ones, she's STILL within spitting distance of a mandatory runoff. We beat Republicans in Georgia, and they may not wind up being able to cheat their way out of admitting it.

Another fight. You down?

I'll tell you what though, Resisters. Thanks to your hard work and devotion, your relentless drive through all the horrors of the last two years, we ROUTED the Rube Army this week. A big, beautiful, Blue Wave swept from sea to shining sea, and it washed a whole lotta garbage away, didn't it?

I wanted to save this for last, because FUCK the Marmalade Shartcannon and his dopey attempts to shanghai the news cycle, we WON. We won big, we won wide, and we won all over the fucking place.

I hope Pete Sessions'll be ok; I wonder if he even knows how to make a living without abusing the power of public office. Who will keep Dana Rohrabacher in borscht and vodka now? Peter Roskam will have to take his phony histrionics to dinner theatre, cuz C-SPAN won't be carrying him anymore. Poor Scott Walker, he signed the very bill that stripped his future self of the right to call for a recount!

And my ol’ pal from back home, KKKris KKKobach, failed in his bid to turn the disastrous Brownbackistan experiment around by launching a lucrative cross-burning industry out among the verdant fields of my beloved Kansas. Gimme a minute, I may weep.


...ok. I did not weep. I may've laughed hard enough to throw out my back, though.

Seriously, we have an AMAZING freshman class coming in. Aren't you gonna love watching Abigail Spanberger sitting in Dave Brat's seat? Eric Cantor's seat? How about amazing gun control advocate Lucy McBath sending the odious Karen Handel packing? Bonus points to Xochitl Torres Small for winning after her opponent had already delivered a victory speech. And there's still plenty more votes to count!

I love everybody on our team. We'll be doing something new with the ol’ Action Guide soon, but click over there and meet the rookies if you haven't already! Though I never got around to surprise winners Max Rose (NY-11), Joe Cunningham (SC-01), and Kendra Horn (OK-5)! These good, good, people will need your help very soon, I hope you'll keep them in mind.

But the good news doesn't stop there. Hell no. We won a bunch of governor's mansions and hundreds of state legislative seats, including flipping seven state chambers. We cut into a few GOP super-majorities. We took the majority of America’s AG offices. We stocked the bench with tomorrow's Representatives, Senators, Governors...Presidents?

You want ballot initiatives? I got ballot initiatives coming out of my hairy white ass, folks. Medicare expansion won big. Voting rights won big, especially in Florida, which restored the franchise to 1.2 million felons who've paid their debt to society. Pot won. Minimum wage hikes won. Shit, the coattails of Dem Decency were so long, we even made life better for DOGS.

Just for a little gravy, we got to send America's least favorite would-be theocrat/petty local tyrant, Kim Davis, home as well. Bye, Kim!

We took a couple of lumps, yeah. That's fine. But Nate Silver is saying, once the counting is done, we'll have carried the popular vote in the House by 7-8%, and 8 million votes. We've taken the suburbs away from the GOP, and we'll hold them in 2020. We made huge gains with college-educated white women. We finally started nominating amazing non-white/straight/male candidates, and lo and behold, non-white/straight/male voters turned out to support them! We're assembling the coalition that will take back the whole dang country in two short years.

Most importantly, (to me, anyway*) we absolutely steamrolled ‘em in Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin. No PA, MI, and WI, no chance for a second turd. Er, “term.”

And hey, who's lookin’ all sexy and swing-y in that new, purple outfit? Hayyyyyy Georgia! Hayyyyy Arizona.


Not saying it'll be easy. It won't be. But we're battle-tested now. We spent two long-ass years walking up a volcano as it launched scalding-hot shit in our faces every single fucking step of the way, and we planted our fucking flag at the summit.

And then we wiped our brows. Sat down for a minute. Had a beer. Stood up. Said, “Cool. What's next?”

The answer, it seems, is immediate protests, all across the country, in support of Mueller. To Donald Trump and his significantly-reduced gaggle of craven sycophants, I say...we can do this all day, every day.

PS, Well, well, well...while I was draftin’ up tonight's blog, who should pull ahead in her Senate race but Kyrsten Sinema? No wonder the GOP is suing to prevent folks’ votes from getting counted. Can't take your eyes off these fucks for a goddamn minute.

*I am, ultimately, just a random dipshit in a mask and a bathrobe.

One Last Shower Cap Update Before We All Go Back to Obsessively Staring at the Clock (Ferret!)

Time sure is passin’ a little slower than usual today, isn’t it? It's like every childhood Xmas rolled up into one, only there's a small chance all those tantalizing packages under the tree turn out to be filled with scorpions and ebola and Dane Cook DVDs.

Well, let me give you one final overlong news blog before we hunker down to await the results, white-knuckled and inebriated. When you're done, the Goddam Midterms will be five minutes closer! And don't forget to use Shower Cap's Guide for the Goddamn Midterms (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) tomorrow, it'll help ya get to know all your freshly-elected officials!

And as always, you can find this post, and others like it, with all kinds of informative news links, on my site: http://showercapblog.com/one-last-shower-cap-update-before-we-all-go-back-to-obsessively-staring-at-the-clock-waiting-for-the-midterms-results-to-roll-in/

President Crotchvoid, demonstrating his commitment to the “Consoler-in-Chief” role traditionally played by the President in the aftermath of a national tragedy, lamented the last week's surge in white nationalist terror, if only in terms of his perceived political “momentum.” Do you hear that, America? As you mourn the victims of bigotry and hate, spare a tear for your poor put-upon President, because all the senseless bloodshed meant that people stopped paying attention to him for a few hours.

Shitty White Guy Terrorism didn't wait long to rear its Shitty White Guy head again, as one of the crapworms of the incel movement shot up a yoga studio last Friday. The choice of a yoga studio as target really demonstrates the radicalizing effects of these dirtbag internet communities. That this unhinged rage monster, with a history of run-ins with the law stemming from harassing women, and a library of videos filled with his hatred of women that included violent ideation, still had access to firearms, is INSANITY.

So long as we grant every hate-warped jackass unfettered access to murder machines, they are going to keep on killing people. That is the clear, simple truth. There is no other side to this argument. Let's make sure the NRA has a bad night tomorrow, ok?

I confess I get a kick out of the new, Hey Guys Can I Join the Resistance Please? Guys? version of Michael Cohen, he's sorta cute in his neediness. Anyhow, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is eagerly offering up the truly shocking intelligence that Donald Trump said racist things around him before their relationship collapsed in a flurry of indictments and private confession sessions with Bodacious Bob Mueller. You want redemption, Mikey? Send your old boss to prison, then we'll talk.

So, the Nigerian military slaughtered a number of protesters, which is a heartbreaking tragedy, and a crime against humanity. While this sort of monstrosity is all too common, what you don't typically see in these cases is the mass-murderers responding to international condemnation of their heinous acts by tossing the American President's words around like a Get Out Jail Free card. Jesus Christ.

Y'know...the United States has always striven to be a beacon of democracy and freedom in the world. And yeah, we fall short...we fall short a LOT, but to stray so far from that mission that our President's words become a shield for murderous tyranny...it breaks my heart and it boils my blood, and godDAMN I am fuckin’ well ready to vote tomorrow.

...something a little lighter now, I think. Yeah.

A valuable lesson in the Streisand Effect over the weekend, provided by Republican CongressJag Jeff Fortenberry's self-control-challenged Chief of Staff. This cud-brained buttfungus tried to get a UNL professor fired for “liking” a picture on Facebook, of a defaced campaign sign which urged support of a googly-eyed Jeff...Fartenberry. GET IT? FARTenberry! Instead of FORTenberry! Because FARTS! Anyway, while 99.9% of Americans had no idea Congressmen Fartenfartfart even existed until now, he's now a coast-to-coast laughingstock, and the incident has been referred for investigation to the House Ethics Committee. Nice work.

Further trouble in Shartopia, as a federal judge ruled that the emoluments clause lawsuit against Boss Treasonweasel can indeed proceed, which means we will soon be in the long-awaited DISCOVERY phase. And that means digging around in alllllll those financial records Sharty McFly has been so desperate to hide from the American people. Who knows what goodies we'll uncover...evidence he's been lying about his wealth? Russian money-laundering receipts? A whole credit account dedicated to pee hookers?

I see Rihanna became the latest pop start to order the Velveeta Vulgarian to cease using their music at those shitty little Klan rallies he's always holding because his actual job bores him. By the time we get to 2020, Shartboy won’t be allowed to play anything except Stephen Miller's kazoo cover of Tomorrow Belongs to Me.

Late-breaking reporting from the Kansas City Star reveals that RepubliCrook Senator Wannabe Josh Hawley outsourced the running of his Missouri Attorney General's office to out-of-state political consultants, NEAT! You'd think this would be disqualifying, but the GOP base actually seems kinda horny for dishonesty, hackery, and incompetence these days, so this race looks like one of the real nail-biters.

Even in these batshit crazy days, even when we're entirely fair in asking, “Hey, on a scale of one to gas chambers, how fascist is the Republican Party gonna be next year?,” I'm stunned at the naked, unapologetic villainy of Georgia's Brian Kemp. Even as his voter suppression efforts have been slapped down by the courts, even as his utterly corrupt abuse of his office has become headline news all across the country, the little bastard doubles down at every opportunity.

So now Kemp saw Goody Abrams with the Devil...or something. First, the fucker announces, without any evidence whatsoever, that his office is opening an investigation into the Georgia Democrat Party for...does it really matter? The point is, it's slapped all over the Secretary of State website, and yes, that's exactly where voters need to go to check their registration status, find polling locations, and so on. So yeah, he's using taxpayer-funded resources to turn an official government website into a bullshit propaganda tool, and it's fucking sinister. It's goddamn un-American, is what it is.

Then it turns out that what's really going on is Kemp's Krew attempting to turn a good faith effort to reach out to his office, to draw attention to a potential cyber-security risk, into a smear against his political opponents. Well, if he loses tomorrow, I'm sure he'll be welcome in the Marmalade Shartcannon's cabinet.

If he had the staff for it, they'd be personally hand-selecting which people get to vote, tearing up folks’ ballots the minute they leave their polling station. He's the kind of guy who calls out the National Guard to keep a school from integrating. Brian Kemp is here for the authoritarian takeover of the United States, is what I'm saying.

Oh hey, Hairpiece Himmler's little deploying-the-military-to-the-border-to-sit-and-wait-for-the-migrant-caravan-that's-still-hundreds-of-miles-away charade looks to cost taxpayers a couple hundred million bucks or more! Now, I'm pretty fucking angry that I've been paying for this assclown's weekly golf vacations for almost two years, but subsidizing his goddamn campaign stunts? When he abandoned the people of Puerto Rico’s to rot and die? Nah, bro. That doesn't work for me. About to time to impose some oversight, don'tcha think?

Yeah, I can't fuckin’ wait to finally, FINALLY vote tomorrow, folks, if only for the opportunity to do my own humble part to push back against the daily atrocity of a President so vile, his closing argument to the midterm electorate was so racist, so hateful, it was deemed unsuitable by every major media outlet, up to and including the 24-Hour White-Folks-Frightenin’ Machine know as Fox News. DAVID DUKE SURE FUCKIN’ LIKED IT, THOUGH.

But now it's time to make our voices heard. To take a little power away from the folks who make David Duke wet himself with glee, and give it back to the decent people who think David Duke should be locked in a Coachella outhouse and rolled down a hill.

So yeah, here we are. This is the last time we'll speak before the election. I'm like you, extremely hopeful, but still a bit nervous, since the 11-8-2016 lesson that every seemingly-delicious cupcake might turn out to be filled with maggots and broken glass.

I don't know for sure what'll happen tomorrow, but I do know this: the next fights begin Wednesday morning. Maybe we'll be clawing a stolen office back from a vote-suppressing shitsack. Maybe we'll slowing down the Trump/McConnell Judicial Fuckwad Pipeline. One way or another we've got a lot of innocent children in custody that need our help.

But I do know, we're done patting ourselves on the back after one successful election, then tuning out. Leaving the hard work to other folks. That's the hard-learned lesson of these last two years, I think. We've learned to be better citizens. We've learned to stick around and keep fighting, every single day. And we won't soon forget.


And Lo, the Lord Sent Unto Them a Jacob Wohl, to Laugh At in Their Darkest Hour! (Ferret/Shower Cap)

The news...good lord, the NEWS. “Hey Cap, just for today, why don't you only tell me the parts that aren't about mega-racist shitsacks being mega-racist?” Because the blog would be like, three paragraphs long, that's why. Welcome to Republican Closing Argument Time, a few short days ahead of the 2018 midterm elections...

(You know the drill. This post, with all the helpful news links, can be found on my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/and-lo-the-lord-sent-unto-them-a-jacob-wohl-to-laugh-at-in-their-darkest-hour/)

So the Velveeta Vulgarian went where he was decidedly unwanted; Pittsburgh, PA, in the aftermath of the terrorist mass-murder inspired by an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory that he himself continues to use his Presidential pulpit to spread even today. WEIRD THAT NOBODY WANTED HIM TO COME, HUH?

Fuckhead actually tried to trick Pennsylvania officials into appearing alongside his violence-inciting, mile-wide ass. Anyway, in the end, he popped in just long to shoot a little campaign video in praise of himself, and lie about the protesters who follow him every time he actually has the sack to step outside of his home turf. And then he scurried back to his safe space.

Well, we figured out why Cowboy Ryan Zinke was so eager to replace Interior's inspector general with an obedient stooge; one of the watchdog's multiple investigations into the Extra Grifty Secretary has been referred to the Justice Department for possible criminal prosecution. Timing's a bitch, Ryan.

What's really fun here is that Zinke Bootz has so many different open investigations that it wasn't immediately clear just which one was referred. The Failing New York Times has helpfully provided this handy guide to his near-Pruitt-sized stack of ethics scandals.

I guess everybody suddenly noticed that Iowa CongressFink Steve King is some kind of bigot! Suddenly his big corporate sponsors are pulling out because they are shocked, SHOCKED I say, at his recent cavorting with Nazi eurotrash. I dunno, Land O’Lakes, Purina...Steve's been a fairly open white supremacist for as long as I can remember, he's just a little showier lately, doing striptease routines at fascist bachelor parties, wearing glow-in-the-dark Klan pasties on his nipples. You don't get bonus points for pulling out once a dude starts Instagramming his cross burnings, is all I'm saying.

God bless him, he's still got Ted Cruz, though! Ted may be a sniveling little toad of a man, but at least he's loyal to white nationalists and dudes who mock his wife and father, you have to give him that.

Anyway, Steve-O is not handling his newfound notoriety well. He's throwing tantrums when confronted over his record, and as always, I'm struck by just how whiny the supposed “master race” gets when cornered. His Democratic opponent, J.D. Scholten, has been creeping up in the polls and raising money like gangbusters, so maybe just maybe we can finally flush this turd next Tuesday.

Hey, remember the other day, when Mike Pants insulted the entire Jewish community by having a “Messianic Jew” speak at an event allegedly honoring the victims of the Pittsburgh massacre? Turns out, the dude wasn't even a rabbi, he was defrocked a full fifteen fucking years ago! It's kind of the perfect Shart Administration story isn't it? Dishonest, disrespectful, hateful, and bungled like the Three Stooges’ understudies were in charge.

Anyway, Mikey Hairshirt had his own little "please clap” moment today, whining that he was being upstaged by Oprah Winfrey, who was campaigning for Stacey Abrams, and who, unlike the Vice President, is, y'know...liked.

Details just keep on drip-drip-dripping out on the Mueller investigation's slow, methodical, circling of Roger Stone. I'm almost worried about getting my hopes up for a Stone indictment, it's been so heavily teased now...if it doesn't happen, it'll be like finding out that giant package under the Xmas tree was just a laundry hamper. It's kinda fun that it looks like Steve Bannon is selling ol’ Rog out to the Bobadook, though.

Speaking of Darth Wino, he slithered down to Wichita, in the heart of usually-deep-red Kansas, for an event that drew a mere 17 spectators, a figure lower than the number of shirts he was wearing.

Whew. I need a break from all this bile and general jagoffishness. Wouldn't a little tonal shift be nice? A little palate cleanser before we wade through the rest of the genuinely horrible crap that's going on?

Well, it just so happens, I have the diversion you're looking for. Please enjoy this refreshing sorbet in the form of The Tale of Jacob Wohl and the Very Worst Plan Ever.

Wohl, if you're unfamiliar, is this weird, creepy, Twitter troll who's mostly “famous” for latching onto Donnie Dotard's tweets like some sort of sewage remora. Oh, and at the ripe old age of 20, he's already been banned for life from the financial services industry.

Anyway, this bright young lad concocted a little plot to take down Rascally Robert Mueller by weaponizing the #MeToo movement, using the espionage skills of someone who maybe read the back of a James Bond VHS case once. To say that there were a few holes in Jacob's little scheme is...really quite generous. I won’t recap the details here, largely because the whole thing is pretty fucking funny on its own. Check it out, it's got everything from two-time Academy Winner Christoph Waltz to a phony private intelligence agency using...I kid you not, Wohl's mom's phone number.

What's amazing here is that at no point in laying out or executing his “master plan” did young Jacob seem to notice that what he was actually constructing was a very large, very powerful vise around his own scrotum.

Anyway, this afternoon, Wohl and his partner, another conspiracy peddler named Jack Burkman, held what I'm told was a real press conference, and not an elaborate sketch comedy bit. Their totally-real-yuh-huh-she-is Mueller accuser shockingly did not appear as promised, perhaps due to an extreme allergic reaction to unbridled idiocy. Perhaps she is a pooka.

Because the show-runner understands that God is in the details, Burkman's fly was open during the entire press conference. Perfection is so rare in the human experience, but I think today, Jake n’ Jack achieved the Dipshit Self-Own version of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. And they've earned themselves a nifty little FBI investigation into their shenanigans for their trouble.

Anyhow. We now return to the meth-addled Klan rally we call “the news.”

Looks like Nikki Haley's replacement as U.N. Ambassador is gonna be a former Fux Nooz host without any of that...what's the word I'm looking for...oh right, any of that ”experience” that you'd typically look for with this sort of post. I keep telling you we live in Hell, and at some point you'll have to admit I'm right.

Pissant Pol Pot, terrified at the looming prospect of a Congress that actually holds him accountable for his crimes, waddled up to the ol’ electoral karaoke machine, and sang the only song he's ever bothered to learn, that classic 1965 hit, “Lock the Doors Papa, There Are Brown-Skinned People Hiding Around Every Corner.”

Yes, hoping that nobody noticed his promised middle-class tax cut failed to materialize, President Crotchrot is letting it all ride on Hideous, Unapologetic, Fear-Mongering Racist Hate.

He doesn't want Americans talking about the health care he tried to steal from millions. He doesn't want us discussing the scam tax bill where he redistributed the fruits of recent prosperity directly to himself and his plutocrat pals. No, he wants folks trembling in their basements, snarling to one another about how much they fear and despise anyone who looks, or thinks, or prays, or loves differently than they do.

And heaven help us if he's successful.

So he starts babbling about how he's gonna overturn birthright citizenship by executive order, and maybe it's a little funny that he doesn't understand how the fucking government works even after two years as President, but on the other hand we're talking about a rapidly deteriorating white nationalist with ambitions of unchecked dictatorship, so maybe I won't be laughing when I celebrate my next birthday in a labor camp, right?

And I see Weehands McNodick wants to deploy basically the entire American Armed Forces to the southern border, such is his desperation to make the Big Scary Migrant Caravan a campaign issue. As a matter of fact, YOU have just been drafted and deployed to the border. Why are you sitting there reading this hilarious blog, soldier? ROLL OUT!! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!!!!

...cuz nothing says “stable leadership” than pissing away millions of taxpayer dollars to send troops to the border to...hang around and wait for people to travel hundreds on miles on foot. Donnie Two-Scoops insists the caravan is larger than reported, because...sigh...because he's really good at judging crowd size. I refuse to take the bait for such an obvious gag. It's beneath me.

Dorito Mussolini cut a last-minute campaign ad before the midterms, and it offers a surprisingly detailed plan to utilize a number of different tools to reinvigorate the manufacturing sector in the Rust BelHAHAHAHA just kidding, it's repugnant racist fear-mongering straight out of Stephen Miller's wettest dream. The Willie Horton ad is over in the corner, going, “Dude, TOO FAR.”

So, Brian Kemp took a brief vacation from suppressing votes (fucker's about to go door-to-door in black neighborhoods, slashing tires) to drop out of a scheduled debate with Stacey Abrams. Then, without a moment's hesitation or an ounce of shame, he turns around and smugly accuses Abrams of canceling, because in the 2018 GOP, honesty is for CUCKS.

Republicans are really taking advantage of their base's gullibility, and honestly, after watching the Trumpkins eat plateful after plateful of their God Emperor's shit for two years, can you blame ‘em? Surely the dead-eyed rubes who believe garbage like Pizzagate and Jade Helm won't have any problem believing that a CongressJag who voted 50 times to repeal Obamacare is really a lifelong champion of protecting coverage for Americans with pre-existing conditions, observable evidence be damned!

By 2020, they'll show up at your house, shoot your dog, and insist Elizabeth Warren did it.

Anyway, let no one claim the GOP is neglecting their bench! Meet Washington State Representative Matt Shea, who has a “manifesto” offering some real cutting edge solutions, among them...genocidal elimination of non-Christians! Maybe after 2028 he can be President KKKobach's HHS Secretary HA HA HA HA (weeps).

And don't sleep on Ed Charamut in Connecticut, who figured now is the perfect moment to fling some insanely anti-Semitic tropes at his Jewish opponent in a campaign mailer! Ed'll be in the Cabinet by Xmas!

The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip continued to assert control over America's foreign policy, since his boss is too busy golfing and rage-tweeting at CNN to bother with such petty details. Anyhoo, Bolton proclaimed a brand new “Troika of Tyranny” today, and I swear to you that's not a Shower Cap joke, but a real thing in real life. (I woulda said “Triumvirate of Treachery,” because it's much cooler.)

And Hairpiece Himmler called a little press conference this afternoon, so he could trick the media into airing his odious, hate-n'-fear-filled, stump speech one more time. For extra depravity, he offhandedly suggested that he'd order the military to fire on anyone at the border who so much as throws a rock, which is, ok, murder and a war crime, but who's countin’?

Watching this anus-mouthed taintfungus play pretend tough guy, proposing the slaughter of unarmed civilians with barely-concealed arousal...it makes you want to retire a bunch of his jelly-spined congressional enablers, doesn't it? We've still got a few days, so pop on over to Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/), pick a few races, and pitch in. And don't stop there! I ran out of time, there are another couple of dozen lean/likely R races where we've got a real shot. Check out the ratings folks for more information. Let's surprise a few of these fucks, huh?

Oh hey, the Obamacare open enrollment period started! If you really wanna get under Shart Garfunkel’s skin, spread the word far and wide, because nothing pisses off the President of the United States more than American citizens signing up for the health insurance they're legally entitled to!

...with that utterly depressing and absurd sentence, I leave you. I'd tell ya to vote, but there's no way anybody who reads all the way to the end of THIS blog isn't already a voter.

White Supremacist Terror Week Sucks. I Miss Infrastructure Week (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Well, with the midterms a few short days away, Infrastructure Week has given way to White Supremacist Terror Week, and I confess, watching the American President do everything he can to provoke division, fear, and outright hatred, I'm nostalgic for the early days of mere blundering incompetence.

We've always known Government Cheese Goebbels would behave this way once his back was truly against the wall, that he'd burn the whole country to ash to save his own spray-tanned, jowlsy, neck, without a moment's regret...and I'm tryin’ to find the jokes, but today, it's hard, friends.

(As always, this post can be found, with all the relevant links, on my blog site: http://showercapblog.com/white-supremacist-terror-week-sucks-i-miss-infrastructure-week/)

(And don't forget the Midterms Action Guide, we're in the home stretch! http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

But I know y’all come here for some much-needed levity in these deep, dark, turd-encrusted times, and I don't want to let you down. Therefore, for this post only, I will be outsourcing the humor to other sites, where appropriate, in those moments when the news coverage becomes too tragic, enraging, tragically enraging, or engagingly tragic.

Of course we entered the weekend dealing the aftermath of a mass-assassination attempt by a Trump-inspired terrorist. While much of America grappled with tough questions about how we got here, and how we'll ever find our way back to decency again, President Crotchvoid took time to grieve...the fact that the terrorist pushed his preferred headlines off the front page. Littlefinger had stuff he wanted to whine about, but the mean ol’ mail bomber stole his thunder, WAAAAAAAAAH!

I suppose I can understand why he's upset. God knows he's worked harder on his precious migrant caravan diversion than he ever did on crafting a health care bill. Yes, your President cares more about feeding the fears of white bigots than in solving any of the problems facing the nation. And that's not funny, but you know what is? Garfield Minus Garfield.

Oh, and mean ol' Twitter deleted his bot followers, FURTHER WAAAAAAAAH!

And you wouldn't expect a little ol’ thing like somebody sending a bomb to CNN headquarters to get Baron Golfin von Fatfuk to back off his attacks on the press, even for a day, wouldja? Naw, when you start to see concrete results (like TERRORISM), you double down, brah! The only reason he's not using the word “Lügenpresse” is that he can't pronounce it. This bloated assclown won't be happy until a bomb actually goes off.

Meanwhile, the Shart Administration popped up to say, “Oh hey, remember that despicable act of state-sponsored terrorism we perpetrated a little while back, where we stole children from their families at the border? Well, wouldn'tcha know it, we just found 14 extra migrant children we separated, and have been illegally detaining and tormenting, OOPSIE!” Like fucking spare change they found in the sofa, instead of human beings. Instead of fucking CHILDREN.

Dear reader, I imagine we both need to cool off a bit at this point, so may I direct you to one of my favorite diversions, a little site called Texts From Superheroes?

Brian Kemp continues his voter-suppression crusade like it's his goddamn job, which, regrettably, it sort of is, since he's the Georgia Secretary of State. Jimmy Carter took a break from building homes for the less fortunate (unlike Drumpfy's evangelical cultists, Jimmy is an actual Christian) to call on Kemp to resign and, y'know, actually let Democracy happen in the United States. If I were Kemp, I'd watch out. Jimmy Carter beat cancer, little man, he'll toss a wannabe-authoritarian runt like you over his knee and give you a richly-deserved spanking.

Brazil became the latest nation to turn to a terrifying right-wing “populist” fuckhead for leadership. Reading about this creep sends an ice-cold shiver down my spine, so maybe we should all check out this merciless roast of everybody's favorite Journalistic Standards-Lowerer, Chris Cillizza, at McSweeney's.

I see the Uncredible Huck returned to briefing room podium after a month-long absence today, I guess cuz she missed lying and inciting hatred of the press. I get it. It's hard to quit anything cold turkey.

Fat Q*Bert added another shiny new lawsuit to his ever-growing collection today. This one's for fraud, and names some of his shitty kids, too. It'll be fun, won't it? Watching that ill-gotten fortune whittled down, lawsuit by lawsuit?

Saturday morning, headlines about attempted murder gave way to stories of mass-murder, as a rabid maniac, radicalized on the internet by the very same forces that animate much of Hairpiece Himmler’s hateful base, murdered 11 at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh.

The terrorist cited the very same anti-Semitic conspiracy theories about “globalists” and “George Soros” that Trump tosses around in his hate rallies, but if you point that out, some desperately centrist pundit might just clutch their pearls 'till they're crushed into a fine powder for your heresy against the Holy Gospel of Bothsidesism, and we wouldn't want that.

But Lou Dobbs is still out there, standing on his tippy-toes, with a bullhorn, using the full force of his platform to spread this hateful filth, even though it's earned him a (GASP) slap on the wrist over at Fux Nooz. Kevin McCarthy, who just might be the next Republican Speaker of the House, left his own Klan-worthy tweet up for a whole goddamn day before being shamed into taking it down.

And Steve King gets bolder every day. If he's still in Congress come January, expect King to interrupt the traditional recitation of the Constitution to offer a little reading from Mein Kampf.

HAHAHAHAH CAP YOUR BLOG IS SO FUNNY. I told you it'd be rough going tonight. Here, let me pass you off to Bad Kids Jokes. They're funny even when I'm not.

Oh, and how did Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops himself respond to the biggest mass-murder of Jews in American history? First, with the perfunctory, insincere, “Oh yes, this is very bad and don't do it again wink wink” teleprompter statement, and then, because he's a Walking Human Hemorrhoid, with open, gleeful, trolling.

He enjoyed a little chuckle about how answering reporters’ questions on a national tragedy ruined his good hair day. And he took special care Saturday night to tweet about a baseball game, just to really drive home that he desn't give a fuck about the loss of life, he doesn't give a fuck about our grief, and he doesn't give a fuck about the dangerous hatred he's unleashed and encouraged.

You've no doubt seen the headlines about Pittsburgh’s Jewish community telling the Velveeta Vulgarian to just stay the fuck away from their mourning communities, but I urge you dig a little deeper. The leaders of Bend the Arc said the President wasn't welcome in Pittsburgh...until he abandoned his bigoted rhetoric and denounced white nationalism. That shouldn't be hard, right? Like, if Ben & Jerry's held a “Free Pint to Everyone who Just Denounces White Nationalism” Day, they'd wind up going bankrupt. It's a low fuckin’ bar to clear, is all I'm sayin', but still too high for President Skidmark.

And Kellyanne Conway emerged from her gingerbread house just long enough to blame the anti-Semitic massacre on...late night comedians? Seriously? Does that Shart House comms shop just have a carnival wheel depicting various Trump foes, and before any surrogate goes on TV, they have to spin it and demonize whoever the needle lands on? I guess Conway's lucky she didn't have to pin the whole thing on Rosie O’Donnell...

“Hold my beer, Kellyanne!!!” screamed Mike Pants, who couldn't get any actual Rabbis to appear beside his hate-mongerin’ ass, and figured settling for the “Messianic Jews” (that's a group that works to convert Jews to Christianity, for the record) alternative would be just as good. Not a bright lad, that Vice President.

Remember a few months back, when the entire GOP tried to make a single murder committed by an undocumented immigrant the most, no, the ONLY important story in America? When Erupting HateBoil Noot Gingrich belched, ““If (victim's name redacted, because fuck their bullshit narrative) is a household name by October, Democrats will be in deep trouble?” You've never seen an American political party so delighted that an American was killed. Again, racist fear-mongering is the only arrow left in their quiver.

So yeah, Fux Nooz can't seem to go more than a couple of hours without platforming some sinister taintfungus insisting the Dread Migrant Caravan is teeming with disease, and they just can't wait to “infect” all the good clean (coughcough white) Americans, and yeah, that genuinely is dehumanizing rhetoric directly out of the Nazi playbook. It's happening right here in the United States. In 2018. Broadcast coast-to-coast, right from the bile-spewing heart of the media bubble that's brainwashed a terrifying number of our countrymen.

...you're starting to see the wisdom in outsourcing the gags tonight, aren't you? Anyway, here's a link to The Non-Adventures of Wonderella. That'll make you laugh, even if I can't.

And now, the Hairplug That Ate Decency is dispatching 5,200 troops to the border, to combat the earth-shaking menace of the constantly-shrinking migrant caravan that remains hundreds of miles away. I imagine the Hatch Act doesn't have provisions to prevent Presidents from wasting millions of taxpayer dollars deploying the military for cheap political stunts, just one more example of the outdated “Well, we never anticipated the government would be taken over by sociopathic morons” conventional wisdom of simpler times.

Yeah, that's more troops than we have fighting ISIS in Syria. It's more troops than there are human beings in the caravan, including children. If I was Justin Trudeau, I'd invade now while Sharty McFly is distracted.

I should leave y’all with something to smile about. How about a little video of the most powerful person on Earth, demonstrating his inability to operate a machine as complex as a goddamn umbrella. Senile old fucker's like, “You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, fuck it.”

No, I can do better than that. How about the story of the Muslim community in America, coming together in solidarity with their Jewish brothers and sisters, raising tens of thousands of dollars to help the shooting victims' families? That spirit of love is what Donald Trump is desperate to destroy in America, my friends...and as you can see, like so many of his endeavors, he is failing.

Trump and the GOP, after controlling the federal government for nearly two years, have no record to run on. All they can offer now is fear and hate. It didn't work in Virginia last November. It won't work now.

This Week, We Learned Just How Much a Painting of Trump is Worth. Oh, Also There was Some Terrorism.

A number of readers have written in recent weeks to lament the seeming abandonment of the “shit be cray” phrase on this blog. I just figured that shit was so cray all the time that y’all were tired of hearing about how cray shit is, but rest assured...shit remains cray. Truly, madly, deeply, cray.

(Yes, as always, this post is available, with all those news links you know and love, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-we-learned-just-how-much-a-painting-of-trump-is-worth-oh-also-there-was-some-terrorism/)

First, an apology. I aim to be thorough, even comprehensive, here at the Shower Cap Blog. However, in my most recent post, I failed to cover what was perhaps the day's most important story: De-platformed Crotchrash Alex Jones literally screaming at a pile of shit in the street. We don't hear much from Alex anymore, and I find his manic desperation for attention as the legal bills mount to be...really quite soothing.

Brian Kemp continues work on his forthcoming children's book, “How the Grinch Stole the Georgia Governorship.” Brian REALLY hates that black Georgians can vote, so I guess it's a good thing he's the government official in charge of the voting process, huh? Still, he's facing legal obstacles on everything from his bullshit scheme to reject voter registrations, to voting machines flipping Stacey Abrams ballots in his favor. Keep an eye on this fucker, I have a feeling we'll be fighting him for a while.

(True story, while I was writing the above paragraph, a brand-new story about voter suppression in Georgia broke. Couldn't make this shit up if you tried.)

Big congrats go out to John Kasich and Caitlyn Jenner, who finally woke up today and noticed that Donald Trump is bad. Kasich and Jenner plan on showing off those razor-sharp perception skillz, costarring in an hour-long buddy detective show on NBC next spring, just as soon as they can hash out the billing details.

I see Government Cheese Goebbels is now openly embracing the “nationalist” label, which is maybe a little too Man in the High Castle/on-the-nose for my personal tastes. What's really amazing is, you'll still find some contortionist think piece insisting it's totally unfair to call the guy racist, and if you just follow my Rube Goldberg logic machine through sixty increasingly-agonized distortions and justifications, you'll be as mad as I am at the implication!

Arizona Senator Jeff Flake is like a character in a badly-written play, always awkwardly reminding the audience of his one dominant character trait. In Jeff's case, that's his trademark histrionic flailing over his imaginary personal value system that's entirely irreconcilable with his observable behavior. This time he went on The View to moan and wail and rend his garments about how he “wasn't sure” if Brett Kavanaugh was lying his drunken ass off to gain a position of immense power, and so Jeff figured the best thing to do with his uncertainty was to go ahead and give the man the position of immense power.

After years and years (and years) of Megyn Kelly saying mega-racist shit more or less all the time, I guess a diatribe about “what's so wrong with blackface, why when I was a girl we'd put on minstrel shows practically every Thursday” was somehow a bridge too far for NBC, whereas her extensive history of similar statements was not viewed as an obstacle to offering her a sixty-nine-million-dollar contract in the first place. Life's weird, is all I'm sayin’.

Actually, it's been kind of a slow news week, outside of the attempted mass-assassination-by-mail-bomb terrorist campaign aimed at prominent critics of our Decomposing Rectum of a President. We could talk about that, I guess, if you're bored.

Yeah, some crazy assclown decided to mail explosives to the Obamas, the Clintons, Joe Biden, John Brennan, Maxine Waters, Eric Holder, George Soros, and even Robert De Niro, and I'm sure the FBI is just fuckin’ stumped trying to figure out what all the targets have in common. (Shower Cap's mailbox was empty; I guess I don't rate, and also my neighbors are stealing my Netflix DVDs*.)

Both sides of the political spectrum reacted with MATHEMATICALLY EQUAL responses, and to suggest otherwise is so uncivil that you would certainly be disinvited from my daughter's plantation-themed cotillion.

For example, Hillary Clinton thanked everyone for the concern, expressing particular gratitude to the Secret Service for putting their lives on the line for her family's safety. And, equally reasonable, dozens of the Screaming Hemorrhoids on the right immediately, with nary a shred of evidence, confidently proclaimed the entire thing was staged to distract people from the...I dunno...the roving Antifa mobs, or the launch of The Conners sans Roseanne, or some shit.

Like, isn't amazing, that for a tragically-significant chunk of the electorate, “false flag” is the immediate assumption, the very first place their minds go? Not, “oh, how terrible,” not “thank God no one was hurt,” but “AHHHHHHHHHHHH THE FILTHY DEEP STATE AND THEIR TRICKSY LIES.” Anyway, it's kinda fun that a third of the country is basically in a hate cult. My 7th grade civics textbook didn't prepare me for that, and it keeps me on my toes.

Lacking not only decency, but a fundamental understanding of why decency is desirable, the Marmalade Shartcannon actually used the act of terrorism to step up his attacks on the near-victims of it. You half expect him to barge into CNN, grab one of the captured explosive devices, force it into Jake Tapper's hand while he's on the air, and smack him repeatedly in the face with it, taunting, “Why're you bombing yourself? Why're you bombing yourself, Jake?”

Our old friend Noot Gingrich, delighting in how well his plan to break the greatest democracy in human history has gone, also jumped on the victim-blaming train, looking wistful that he may yet attain his lifelong dream of owning human slaves.

And of course, even after years of demonizing and dehumanizing his opponents, and inciting violence with the regularity of a sitcom character making sure to get his catch-phrase in every episode, Dorito Mussolini refused to take any responsibility for a targeted terrorist attack on his critics.

He's also recently refused to take responsibility for any GOP losses in the midterms. “Responsibility” isn't really Donnie Two-Scoops’ thing, you see. Hell, 25% of John Kelly's job is accepting blame for his boss’ overdone steak farts.

CongressThug Greg Gianforte is perhaps the perfect Trump Republican: a super-wealthy jagoff who sees himself as above the law, and thinks he can get away with anything. To that end, he's been lying on the campaign trail about his assault on reporter Ben Jacobs, and the terms of their settlement, and Jacobs sent him a letter saying “Cease and desist, or get your entitled ass sued, my man!” I say, take the fucker for all he's worth, Ben. And to you, dear reader, I say donate to Gianforte's decidedly-less-violent-and-also-awesome-for-other-reasons opponent, Kathleen Williams!

I see Donnie Dotard is looking to dispatch additional troops to the border to intercept the Big Scary Caravan that won't be there for weeks. Hey, who doesn't love having their tax dollars pissed away on a desperate racist campaign stunt perpetrated by a panicking wannabe tyrant?

Meanwhile, President Gas Station Urinal Cake is throwing every empty promise he can dream up at the cresting Blue Wave. He's gonna cut taxes and lower drug prices and rework the formula of Reese's Peanut Butter cups so they burn fat and cure cancer. Oddly, the Boy Who Cried “Wall” is having a hard time getting folks to believe all these sudden pledges to do big, impressive shit, possibly because he's spent his term to date failing to do enact any significant legislation beyond cutting his own taxes.

Also, because he rates the safety and security of the United States significantly below any momentary inconvenience for himself, the Bonespur Buttplug continues to use non-secure personal iPhones when he chats with his plutocrat buddies about...oh, I dunno...golf and sexual assault, I suppose. And it turns out spies for Russians and the Chinese eagerly listen in, delighted at how easy he makes their jobs. And people keep telling him to cut it out...but he won't, because again, all 325,000,000 of our lives are less important to him than his slightest passing whim.

And because we all live in Hell, the silver lining to the story about the American President gift-wrapping his private communications to our foes is, because he's too fucking dumb and too fucking lazy to read his security briefings, he's probably not giving away TOO many state secrets. AND JESUS WEPT.

Condolences to family of Ron DeSantis, who ceased to exist on this plane of reality after his thorough ass-whoopin’ at the hands of Andrew Gillum in the latest Florida Governor debate.

Walking Grandma's Living Room Smell Chuck Grassley has referred Michael Avenatti and Julie Swetnick to the Justice Department for criminal investigation, which is maybe a little tyrannical, but also fuck Avenatti and his self-aggrandizing shenanigans. There are no good guys in this fight.

Don't pity Avenatti, certainly. After his deft, sensitive, insights today, my only worry is that his ridiculous “Presidential campaign” flames out before it even gets off the ground. I truly treasure the opportunity he presents to prove to the world that our party would never be susceptible to electing a "Trump of our own." Please hang on just long enough to fail, Mikey. Your country needs you.

I really love the steady drip drip drip of stories on what Rugged Robert Mueller has on Roger Stone. Ol’ bastard's jumpin’ at shadows by now. Good. Hey, if anybody knows his address, let's send him some pizzas. Unexpected door-knocking is juuuust what he deserves this Halloween season.

(Oh, there's this other story on Mueller and Flynn and the Saudis tangled up in the Khashoggi murder. I haven't had time to read it yet, but goddamn it, this is blog is THOROUGH! I woulda made a really hilarious joke though, I promise.)

I'll leave you with something guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Because you deserve it.

So, the Shart Foundation is in court now over that whole “you're not a charity, you're a petty cash box” thing. By now, I'm sure you're familiar with the tale of Weehands McNodick using charitable funds to buy a painting of himself, right? WELL, in court today, the only defense his lawyers could muster was, “See, he started the bidding himself, but then it turned out nobody else was willing to offer so much as a half-eaten Milky Way for a picture of him. Your honor, this is a man who must pay more than $100,000 simply to have to sex. We throw ourselves on your mercy.”

Anyway, it was a gloriously pathetic admission, and I for one needed something to laugh about, because somebody tried to assassinate some of very favorite people this week.

You know the drill by now. Check out your friendly neighborhood Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms. (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) Donate. Volunteer. Get in the fight. Take your country back.

*Yes, I still get the DVDs by mail. Fuck you, you don't know me.

The GOP has Gone Full Klansman, and Steve King is HERE FOR IT. (Ferret/Shower Cap)

I tell you folks, the bungling incompetence and pathetic dishonesty I can handle, but the hatred? Some days, the hatred wears me out. I'm getting mighty tired of living Eli Roth's unproduced Pleasantville sequel, is all I'm sayin’.

And I imagine you know this by now, but you can find this post, with all the necessary links, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-gop-has-gone-full-klansman-and-steve-king-is-here-for-it/

Looks like John Bolton is finally flexing his mustache, er, “muscles,” doing those crazy John Bolton things you we always knew John Bolton would do. Pulling the United States out of a nuclear disarmament treaty? Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, Trump + Bolton is like giving a bunch of howler monkeys speed and turning them loose in a chemistry lab. Anyhow, I dare you to watch Dr. Strangelove tonight. Or if you're feeling really brave, Fail-Safe.

Precocious Paul Manafort, in his legally-mandated prison jumpsuit, pulled the old “wheelchair-in-a-bid-for-sentencing-leniency” bit, and I'm sorry to say, Mr. M, I spent all my sympathy on the children locked up in cages. You sir, can eat shit. Anybody else see Paulie in his wheelchair and think of For Your Eyes Only?

We keep hearing about Bodacious Bob Mueller circling Roger Stone, talkin’ to all his friends, rummaging through his underwear drawer looking for cigarettes and porn. Rog insists he's done nothing wrong, and that he'd certainly never roll over on his dear and loyal friend, Mr. Trump! Me, I see that, and I grin, because I remember Manafort saying the same things once upon a time. And Gates.

Oh, didja see where some Russian woman got charged with fuckin’ around with the midterms? HO HUM. Wouldn't it be cool if we had a government that, I dunno, tried to protect the nation from foreign attacks? I think that'd be cool.

The cover-up of Jamal Khashoggi's horrific murder (and DISMEMBERMENT) is going...shockingly badly, when you realize the collaborators include one of the wealthiest families in the world and the President of the United States.

“Oh, it was crazy. Everybody was Kung-fu fighting. Honestly the guy chugged a bottle of tequila and started cutting himself up with the bonesaw. Anyway, we dressed somebody up in his clothes and had him walk out for the cameras, as one typically does in such situations.” I'm not sure what's most cringeworthy, that the Saudis would attempt such obvious bullshit, or that the President of the United States and his henchmen would work so hard to sell it.

Meanwhile, the President's shift manager, Vladimir Putin, gave a little speech celebrating the decline of American hegemony, which he pulled off for the low low price of Ordering Pizzas and Mountain Dew for a Handful of Tech Nerds Sitting in Cubicles Trolling Idiots on Facebook. "The Cold War coulda ended years ago, if we'd only thought sooner to weaponize our foe's most ubiquitous natural resource: morons," said Vlad, before laughing nonstop for 11 hours.

As you certainly know by now, the GOP is a-tremblin’ at the Blue Wave that's growing ever nearer and larger. They can't stave it off by talking about their record, because they've spent a year and a half doing a bunch of things that everybody fucking hates.

(I'm not sure WHY. We told them we hated these things. We were...actually pretty damn vocal about it. But here we are.)

Backed into a corner and lacking other options, the entire institutional Republican Party seems to have shrugged, and said, “Well, dance with who brung ya, even if it was NAKED WHITE NATIONALISM that brung ya.” She's a cheap date; all she wants is a little blood.

So, ummmm...to be honest, the rest of the news is basically just HATE. It's not my favorite thing, to do a This Week in Hate round-up, but, well...these are the times in which we live. Lucky us.

Nancy Pelosi went down to Florida for an event, and she encountered some “protesters,” though they were not of the “let's knit hats and make signs” variety, but more of the “far-right violent gang” ilk. Yes, it turns out the local Republican chapter decided to team up with the Proud Boys, who you may remember from their recent act of street violence in New York.

So what we have here, and let's not mince words, is GOP officials literally partnering with terrorists. Immediately after their most publicized act of terrorism to date. Cool.

And allllllll the Republicans who've used every available moment of camera time to offer stern lectures on civility are stone silent on the Proud Boys, aren't they? And when Tangerine Idi Amin praises a violent criminal for assaulting one journalist even as he orchestrates a cover-up of the murder of another, why, he isn't inciting violence, he's just playfully joking around, isn't that right, Steve Scalise? Spare me.

Boy, Steve King keeps testing the boundaries of decency, doesn't he? Seems Steve-O took a little Austrian vacation and sat down with a far-right website for a little chat about white supremacy, NEAT. This demented old fucker's gonna start slipping earmarks into spending bills, making sure his Iowa district is first in line for the new concentration camp construction. Some folks wonder why Republicans don't censure or expel King. I'll you why, they're planning on making him the next Speaker of the House. Dance with who brung ya.

As if to demonstrate that they haven't lost their flair for vileness, the Shart Administration is toying with altering some bureaucratic language here and there to formally dehumanize transgender Americans, and strip them of civil rights protections.

It's this administration in a nutshell; telling th’Base, hey, we can't keep our promises to bring back manufacturing jobs or improve your health care or repair your infrastructure...what we CAN do is hurt people. People who are different than you.

Nobody benefits from this shit. Nobody becomes richer, or safer, or healthier, or happier. It simply serves to send a little malicious thrill down the spines of the sort of people who enjoy inflicting suffering on others.

And of course, Government Cheese Goebbels himself has desperately lashed his immediate political future to the migrant caravan moving through Mexico. To hear him tell it, this congregation of desperate people seeking a better life is full of MS-13 and ISIS and ebola and those irritating guys who play guitar in sandwich shops, and it's coming to YOUR TOWN.

It's a national crisis! And he may need to deploy the military to the border! Fuck, you know he's asked General Kelly if he can just bomb them.

On the one hand, it’s a pathetic gambit...on the other, one must admit this Walking Colon Tumor fear-mongered himself all the way to the White House.

Yeah, Donnie Two-Scoops is gettin’ nervous. He knows what a Democratic-controlled House means. And lacking any actual accomplishments, well, he's just makin’ shit up. The Big Dumb Wall is almost built, and they're rioting in California, and the arms deal with Saudi Arabia generates so fuckin’ many jobs, we're gonna need every American to work part-time in a munitions factory to meet the demand! Oh, and Republicans are just about to deliver a big fat tax cut even though, y'know...that is not a thing that is happening, and Congress isn't even in session.

Meanwhile, WaPo reports Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet's rallies are more of a retreat than anything else. If it feels like Lil’ Man Shart is avoiding major metropolitan areas where he's unpopular because he's frightened of protesters, well...that's because he is. And even though he acts like he's selling out football stadiums, he's really working in smaller venues than he used to. Look, if getting 6,000 people in Buttfuck, Ohio is the qualifier, then the Little River Band could be President.

So he's touring Appalachia diners, stirring up...

...y'know what? Fuck hate. Fuck these hateful people and their bullshit, vapid, bigotry. I'm not leaving y’all like this, you deserve better. Let's wrap up with some GOOD news, okay?

Because we've got people CAMPING OUT TO VOTE in this country right now. CAMPING OUT. Not for a new iPhone, not for concert tickets, but to exercise their right to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!

And do you see our candidates kicking ass and taking names in their debates? Andrew Gillum ran circles around Ron DeSantis, which actually might explain Ron's frequently dazed expression. One of my very favorite Congressional candidates, Abigail Spanberger, was not having Dave Brat's crap, and let him know in no uncertain terms. (Hey, you wanna donate to these good good people? Click right on their names, you'll be magically transported to a fundraising page! Check out all the candidates at Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms! http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

And have you been following the live polling over at the Failing New York Times? There are some really interesting seats in play. If you're looking for a last minute donation target, why not help out our great team in Virginia? With the GOP's borderline-fascist Senate candidate dragging down the ticket, we might be able to elect not just Spanberger, but Elaine Luria, and Leslie Cockburn!

And do you remember Danny O’Connor from the the special election in the Ohio 12th? Well, without the undivided attention of the entire Republican donor class, his opponent, Troy Balderson, looks more vulnerable than ever! Help Danny out if you can!

Plus, check out this great article from Mother Jones on how Clarke Tucker has put a seat in deep-Red Arkansas in play! And hey, how about Laura Kelly, opposing KKKris KKKobach for the Kansas governorship, earning the endorsement of every living non-Brownback Kansas governor, Republican or Democrat?

And at least we can take a moment to appreciate the complete and utter debasement of Ted Cruz. Think about the minute-to-minute humiliation of walking around as Ted Cruz, especially today...**shudder**

Oh, and if you need a chaser to wash down all that schadenfreude, I suppose I could show you what The Mooch is up to these days.

Good lord. And it's only fuckin' Monday. Two weeks to the midterms, friends! Make every minute count!

In Which SCROTUS Covers Up a Murder, and Republicans do...Wow, a Fuckton of Super-Racist Shit (Ferret)

Turned on the news today, saw it was full of the shittiest people on Earth betraying American values to line their own pockets, and I wondered, “is this a re-run?”

(As you are no doubt aware by now, this post is available, with all the helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/in-which-scrotus-covers-up-a-murder-and-republicans-do-wow-a-fuckton-of-super-racist-shit/)

Mitch McConnell, like an overeager actor who rushes onstage five scenes too early, just couldn't stop himself. Presented with a cue regarding the Trump's-ass-sized hole his bullshit scam tax bill blew in the deficit, Yertle practically tap-danced with glee in setting forth phase two of his shabby-from-overuse master plan: yes, now that we've starved the federal budget by delivering untold billions to the already-wealthy via candygram, it is once again time to drown entitlements in the bathtub, alongside grandma and grandpa once they're no longer productive members of the serf class.

Oh, and Mitch can't wait to sink his little terrapin claws into Obamacare repeal the very next chance he gets, possibly because he needs to drain life-force from the working class to survive. The GOP at large has taken the somewhat curious position that, after eight years of near-daily attempts to repeal protections for Americans with pre-existing conditions, suddenly they love protections for Americans with pre-existing conditions more than the punch at a Koch brothers retreat, and that shit's spiked with secretions from the adrenal glands of Bengal tigers.

Seriously, do they think we didn't notice? Ted Cruz out there pitching this shit like he didn't shut down the whole fuckin’ government cuz he didn't get to personally wheel poor people out of the ICU and dump ‘em on the sidewalk? Do they think the average voter is like the Memento guy? Because we all totally remember the Pompous White Guy Party y’all threw when the House passed their AHCA bill. It was last year. If we can keep up with Game of Thrones, we can remember your Yay For Shorter Lifespans shindig from LAST YEAR.

Precocious Paul Manafort does not like to admit that he is a multiple felon who lives in prison now, and a federal judge had to remind him that regular clothes like suits and superhero mask/bathrobe combinations are for folks who have not been convicted of so very many crimes, and so he has to wear a jumpsuit, but he is certainly free to pretend he is in Devo if that helps.

But maybe incarceration will work out for Paulie. He's already made a new best friend, and that best friend's name is Robert Mueller! Prisoner Paul and Bodacious Bob hang out ALL THE TIME! They've met at least nine times in the last month, so they've probably almost finished binging Mad Men by now. Sigh. I wonder what they talk about? I guess I'll have to wait for the next round of indictments to find out.

Oh, and Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein gave an interview saying that yuh huh the Mueller investigation is real and good and not a witch hunt at all no matter what Devin Nunes says whenever he pulls his lips off a hog's rectum long enough to talk, anyway.

We're getting conflicting reports regarding whether Interior Secretary Cowboy Ryan Zinke has made a Hail Mary to snatch the Coveted Cabinet Corruption Crown away from dearly departed Scott Pruitt once and for all, by firing the Inspector General investigating his amusingly-open corruption, or if he just really really wants to. Anyway, congratulations to the President on his ongoing success draining that D.C. swamp! Heckuva job, Sharty!

What's this now? The IG report came out, and it says Zinke Bootz has been a very naughty boy indeed? Ah, you damn near pulled it off, bud. Just a smidge late.

Somehow, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits has convinced himself that everything's great, everybody loves him, and that all Republicans need to preserve their Congressional majorities in the midterms is to have his shitty little face broadcast on the television box, belching up all the hateful garbage he can muster, 24/7.

Central to the pitch is his own mighty, warped-from-years-of-exposure-to-experimental-hair-tonics brain! Why of course he understands the military better than his Secretary of Defense (whose nickname must surely have evolved by now into “Extremely Patient Dog Mattis”), and with his infallible “natural instinct for science,” he effortlessly overrules the overwhelming consensus on climate science!

...dude spends too much time at rallies full of fawning cultists. The rest of us recognize him for he is; a doddering old egomaniac in declining mental health, who never even figured out how to tie a goddamn necktie. Old man, you don't have the “natural instinct” of a waffle.

And Toupee Fiasco even imagines his misogynistic insults directed at Stormy Daniels are some sort of deft electoral ploy, finally energizing that untapped “All I want from a President is a disgusting old man who insults his old lovers’ looks” vote.

Further political shrewdness was displayed when Fat Q*Bert whined about how he was far, far, too busy to visit our troops in combat zones! Oh so very busy with presidenting all the time, and please pay no attention to Lindsey Graham carrying my golf bag down to the motorcade, it's work, work, work for me! Anyway, thanks to everyone fighting and dying in the world's many shitholes, and don't forget I'm also too busy to greet the returning remains of the fallen!

The horror of the murder and dismemberment of journalist Jamal Khashoggi has presented Team Treasonweasel with the opportunity to piss on an entirely different set of foundational American values than they usually get to piss on, and let it never be said that they haven't made the most of that opportunity.

First came Mike Pompeo gladhanding with the murderous Saudi Prince behind the atrocity, posing for photos with MBS like they were opening a fucking Ponderosa.

And then came the the cringeworthy spectacle of the governments of the United States and Saudi Arabia scrambling like characters in a chintzy Tarantino knock-off, trying to cover up their grisly fuckery so they can go back to business as usual. Every time an alibi started to take shape, some pesky journalist would pop up with new details, and they'd have to start over. They could always take care of the journalists the old-fashioned way, but gosh, that's how they got into this mess in the first place!

In the midst of everything, young Jar-Jar wanders around in his store-bought Mr. Diplomat Halloween costume, shrugging off his responsibility for installing this homicidal tyrant in the first place, because he was only ever in it for the money, and it was really never more than a hobby at any rate, and perhaps he'll try writing a romance novel instead, as this sordid little episode has become simply tiresome.

Jared, in his worldly wisdom, assured Daddy Dipshit that all of this will surely blow over, and they'll get it away with it like they get away with everything else. Nah, kid...y’all haven't gotten away with anything. We just had to wait a couple years before we could vote again. You've got 18 days left to get away with shit. I'd sneak the silverware out tonight, if I were you.

Even poor Steve Mnuchbag had to cancel his Saudi vacation, which is extra-disappointing because Louise Linton had been super-excited to show off the new dress she'd had made from the skins of the working poor.

Visibly Decomposing BigotHusk Pat Robertson weighed in from the festering tar pit he inhabits, which he laughably considers to be some sort of moral high ground, positing that we shouldn't let something as silly as one little ol’ murder stand in the way of a major arms deal, and if Jesus didn't immediately resurrect himself to slap the evil right out of Pat's mouth, then folks, he ain't comin’ back. Ever.

While there's been plenty of focus on the rather obvious hypocrisy of this faux Christian whippin’ up what's likely to be the final erection of his misbegotten life at the thought of America profiting off the Saudis’ near-genocidal war in Yemen, we should also take a moment to appreciate Pat falling for the utterly phony idea that the “100 billion dollar arms deal” is real, and not just a carrot on a string used to dangle tantalizingly before the Western rubes. It's a nice double-whammy of hatred and ignorance. Vintage Robertson.

With the midterm elections looking more and more like the cliff Republican lemmings have been running steadily towards for 18 months now, the GOP is understandably frantically searching for any strategy to minimize their losses.

"Let's run on our records!” shouts some doe-eyed freshman from the back. Paul Ryan, chuckling darkly, says simply, “Well son, good luck with your ad about how we cut everybody's boss’ taxes, shrunk national parks, and threw children into internment camps...me, I'm going with my ol’ faithful fallback: scaring the piss out of stupid white people!”

Yeah, that's the closing argument: brown people are coming for you, and Democrats are giving them health insurance and sledgehammers and keys to your back door. Since the MS-13 crime wave has stubbornly refused to manifest in real life, Tangerine Idi Amin had to settle for a migrant caravan to demonize. He's threatening to suspend foreign aid and send the military to the border and probably fill the Rio Grande with sharks and mines.

President Crotchrot is hardly alone in his hate-fueled fear-mongering, of course. CongressDouche John Faso, facing a competitive race, isn't talking about how great a representative John Faso has been, no, all he wants to discuss is the scary rap music his African-American opponent, a fucking RHODES SCHOLAR, used to make. Me, I say donate to Antonio Delgado and send John Faso home to knit.

Jason Chaffetz might not be a GOP lawmaker anymore, but he wants you to know he's still racist enough to rejoin the club whenever he wants.

And then there's the ad from backers of French Hill in the Arkansas 2nd, so far past the limits of decency and taste that it is beyond my powers of exaggeration to even comment on it. Listen for yourself. Then donate to Hill's awesome opponent, Clarke Tucker.

Shit, I almost forgot about this ad, which hits nearly every square on the racist bingo card. That's the kind of week it's been. I've actually lost track of all the individual instances of hate spread by the institutional Republican Party. Anyway, if you wanna fight back against this shameful hatred, click here and support Dan Feehan.

Oh, Steve King endorsed a white supremacist candidate. I nearly didn't mention it, because does “Steve King did a big fat racist thing because he's a big fat racist” really qualify as “news” anymore? Creepy old bastard's gonna start wearing jodhpurs on the floor of the House soon.

Meanwhile, the aptly-named Dave Brat has chosen to lean on another tentpole of modern conservatism: whining. In conversation with an inmate in an addiction support group, Dave-O showed off his empathy chops, saying, “Lady, you think YOU'VE got problems? Well I'm running a re-election and my opponent...is CAMPAIGNING! Get in line, is all I'm sayin’!” He seems nice. I prefer Abigail Spanberger, myself.

We shouldn't neglect the Republijag candidates running on naked, unapologetic, corruption. Seems Governor Rick Scott, the Duke of Medicare Fraud himself, swapped a $500,000 PAC donation for investing $200 million of Florida's money in a private equity firm. I shoulda been a right-wing politician; it's much more lucrative than my humble tip jar.

Meanwhile Nevada Senator Dean Heller got caught pitching some wacky, b-movie-sounding, experimental “brainwave” treatment to the VA. Is there any evidence the treatment works? Of course not! Is the company behind the treatment connected to Heller's aides? Why, yes, why do you ask?

Oh my! Rumor has it that Chief of Stuff John Kelly and the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip got into a fight outside the Oval Office this afternoon! We are told there were even SWEARS exchanged! (GASP! But CIVILITY!) I'm not surprised. I've read enough comic books to know that super-villain teams always fall apart, because garbage people don't get along with anybody, even other garbage people.

Anyhow, I tried and tried, but I can't come up with anything to improve on a headline like, “Pro-Trump pimp, Nevada GOP assembly candidate Dennis Hof dies after rally, birthday party with Grover Norquist, Joe Arpaio and porn legend Ron Jeremy,” so I'll just let that one ride on its own.

We've been swimming in a sea of madness for a long damn time now, but the shore is finally in sight! The midterms are so close I can taste ‘em! Are you in the fight yet? We added a few new entries in Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/), why don't you pop over and meet everybody, and make a donation or then?

PS, while I was writing tonight, Government Cheese Goebbels held a little Klan rally in Montana, during which he praised CongressThug Greg Gianforte for physically assaulting a reporter. Yes, right on the heels of the Khashoggi murder. Does that make you mad? You can donate to Greg's excellent, non-violent opponent, Kathleen Williams, who could use your help.

On Bonesaws and Bigots and Boys, Proud or Otherwise (Ferret/ShowerCap)

We're a little over three short weeks away from the headline I've been jonesin’ for since November 2016: “After Years of Assholes Running Amok, the Good Guys Finally Win!” and I am READY FOR IT, folks. It's like a fat piece of chocolate cake for dessert after you've been eating dog turds and gravel...for two years. It's TIME.

(As always, this post is available on my humble site, with all sortsa news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/on-bonesaws-and-bigots-and-boys-proud-or-otherwise/)

(Oh, and if you're looking to get involved in the fight to take your country back in the 2018 midterms, check this out: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

Let's start off with the light shit, the merely immoral, before diving into the deep end of today's atrocity pool. It seems Jared Kushner has worked every available loophole and avoided paying income taxes for years, and that was before he took up governing as a hobby and cut his taxes even further. Sources tell me Jar-Jar used the windfall to invest in elocution lessons, but alas, he still sounds like a meth-addled dolphin caught in a net every time he opens his mouth.

I guess the Man With Phalangeal Stunting was talkin’ up Robert E. Lee over the weekend? Why does this surprise anyone? Lee is the patron saint of two things: treason, and losing. Shit, Trump was probably cloned in a lab from one of Bob's ass hairs.

Retiring-Even-if-She-Doesn't-Know-it-Yet Maine Senator Susan Collins clarified her stance on political bribe-taking, which is apparently really bad when it involves everyday Americans raising funds for her potential 2020 opponent in protest of her vote to confirm a horny-to-overturn-Roe-v-Wade far-right political hack to the Supreme Court, but super-mega-awesome when it comes in the form of a six-figure payout from a Republican dark money group thanking her for said confirmation of said hack. Susan's personal ethics are...complicated.

Now, you'll never believe this, but Mitt Romney has been caught...pandering! Confronted with his anti-Trump past, Mittens denied it quicker than you could say “Why I'd LOVE to be Secretary of State, sir!” Come January, he'll be in Orrin Hatch's old seat, but let's make sure to give him Jeff Flake's chair.

President Gas Station Urinal Cake continues to handle post-Hurricane Michael devastation by holding campaign rallies where thousands of idiots fellate his fragile ego. Sure, it's totally ineffective, but it's easier, and he likes it more, so FUCK YOU, SUFFERING AMERICANS.

Beloved (By the Sort of People Who Love Stores and are Otherwise Dead Inside) Retailer Sears filed for bankruptcy, after years of being run into the ground by a Rand-worshipping maniac who was incapable of discerning the difference between fiction writing and serious political/economic theory. As an amusing little footnote, Orange Julius Caesar took a moment to run down the company's leadership, which is extra hilarious since his own Treasury Secretary served on the board during the decline and fall.

So let's talk about the Proud Boys. We could spend hours picking apart the psychology of a band of fascist, misogynist, thugs self-identifying as “boys,” but for now let's focus on the current news. They've been largely confined to the west coast, mainly Portland, so far, but they took a little field trip to th'Big Apple, to reenact a political assassination (and I thought my hobbies were weird) and commit some hate crimes!

Now, the Republican club that hosted them, and their obedient lapdogs over at Fux Nooz, had the balls to try to spin this story as one of Antifa vandalism, as though they didn't invite known violent fascists over for tea and crustless triangle-shaped sandwiches before embarking on a little light gang violence.

Anyway, it seems like only yesterday when a veritable swarm of conservative pundits hectored us about the Violent Left Wing Mobs that were massing outside Every Decent American's home, but they've been oddly silent about the actual Violent Right Wing Mob that was captured beating the shit out of people on camera. That seems weird. Do you think that's weird? Cuz I think that's weird.

Georgia Senator David Perdue is a One-Man Violent Right Wing Mob of his own! A student at Georgia Tech, i.e. one of Dave-O's constituents, tried to ask him a question (about Brian Kemp's vote suppression fuckery), but the good Senator was not about to let a mere peasant act above his station like that! So he grabbed the kid's phone right out of his hands and strode away, before remembering how cameras work, and realizing how badly he'd just fucked up.

Anyhow, did I mention that Perdue's seat is up in just two short years? Me, I tend to prefer Senators who don't assault the people they work for.

I tell you folks, we just keep on finding more and more Super Rare Outliers in the Not at All Racist Republican Party. This time it's Minnesota Senate candidate Karin Housley, with some sensitive, nuanced, observations about Michelle Obama surfacing in her social media history. Housley was already gonna lose, but this news just earned the announcement of her defeat a celebratory Jäger shot on my election night schedule.

There are a LOT of celebratory shots on my election night schedule. The Blue Wave might just kill me.

Oh, and Duncan Hunter is still racist trash, if you were wondering. Shit, you could set your watch by Duncan's jerkbaggery. Accused of more crimes than your average Mafia family, he's running ads that would make Archie Bunker blush. Stephen Miller's sitting in the corner, going, “Whoa. Too far, dude.” Kudos to his opponent, Ammar Campa-Najjar, for turning Dunc's bullshit attack right back on him.

Hunter is hardly the only Republijag campaigning on hatred and fear-mongering, of course, I suppose on one hand, you can't really blame them. What're they gonna run on? Their records?

Like, after two years of complete control of the federal government, you really ought to have some achievements. Maybe even AN achievement. Two years is a long fuckin’ time. I guess “Vote for me again, I'm the guy who cut your boss’ taxes” isn't the rousing sentiment they'd hoped for.

So the deficit is way up and let me tell you, Republicans are howling, demanding it immediately be brought under contrHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH GOTCHA! Deficits are only bad when you're talking about feeding a hungry child or treating a senior citizen's cancer after they've already surrendered their productive years to the investor class! But when it comes to massive tax cuts for their donors, the only question is “Would you like it in large or small bills, sir?”

The Manchurian Manchild decided to show us why he never sits down for interviews with real journalists, by sitting down for an interview with a real journalist. Without a subservient host doing everything in their power to prop him up, he's quickly revealed as a petulant, vindictive, know-nothing. Hey Don, pro tip: any conversation where you feel compelled to state “I'm not a baby” more than once is not a conversation that's going your way.

He was in rare form. He posited that while climate change was indeed a thing, the climate would one day simply choose to change back, like a nagging wife who always wants new clothes but winds up settling on the old, comfortable, “I really don't care, do u?” jacket anyway.

Certainly the highlight was the sneering Yes I Shit All Over a Sexual Assault Victim and it was Totally Worth it Because I Won I Won I WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON segment.

Heh. He certainly has all the long-term strategizing ability of a baby, doesn't he? When a historic midterm electorate gender gap produces a House of Representatives that spends the final months of his presidency investigating his every crime live on TV, I wonder if he'll pause to reflect on how much he really “won” this particular fight.


Well, the last time he did anything like this, he confessed to obstruction of justice in front of the whole fuckin’ world, so maybe this counts as a win.

So I guess Elizabeth Warren, ahead of an expected Presidential campaign, took one of those ancestry tests to show that, despite Weehands McNodick's racist taunting, she does indeed possess some Native American heritage. Targeted social media advertising traps even U.S. Senators sometimes, I suppose.

This prompted a wave of pretentious thinkpiecery seldom seen outside the release of a Star Wars movie. Dems are sabotaging the Blue Wave, because an army of voters who somehow care more about Liz Warren's Ancestry Test than health care, jobs, immigration, or corruption will rise up and crush us beneath their steely boots...

Or something. All I'm sayin’ is, pundits are dumb. Me, I'm better than a pundit; I'm concise, and I swear more.

Personally, I think the real story here was Sharty McFly once again backing out of a pledge to make a sizable charitable donation. Don't forget it took an investigative journalist's shaming to force him to make a similar donation to veterans’ charities during the 2016 campaign.

(The Velveeta Vulgarian went on to say he would only pay the million bucks if he were allowed to test Senator Warren's DNA personally, an unusually gross statement from an unusually gross man. Like, Wee Don is disgusting every day, but I feel like we just got a glimpse of his never-cleaned bathtub.)

Assuming the reader just threw up in their own mouth, I'll give you a minute to run to the bathroom for some Listerine.

...but keep the bottle handy, because we're moving on to the ongoing fallout of America's BFF, Saudi Arabia, kidnapping and murdering critical journalist Jamal Khashoggi.

Facing international condemnation and, perhaps more importantly, millions of dollars in foreign investment draining out of their economy, the Kingdom hit upon a novel cover story that goes, “Ok, yeah, we killed the guy, but we were only trying to kidnap and maybe illegally extradite him, and AS THESE THINGS DO, shit got a bit out of hand, everybody said some things they didn't mean, and maybe somebody got murdered and dismembered.”


As smarter folk than I have commented, imagine how bad this situation is, that THIS is what they're willing to confess to.

So much of the blame for this shitshow falls on Jared Kushner's shoulders. Young Jar-Jar, practically the Roman God of Unearned Privilege, having married his way into the highest halls of power, figured he'd cosplay as an International Diplomat, cuz how hard could it possibly be, right? So he plays kingmaker in the Middle East, swapping state secrets for personal financial relief, empowering reckless elements that fuck with regional stability by isolating Qatar, commit crimes against humanity daily in Yemen, and finally blow up the whole damn endeavor by luring a Washington Post contributor to his death and then CHOPPING HIS BODY TO PIECES WITH A GODDAMN BONE SAW.

Open letter to Jared: the sum total of your life's accomplishments comes to Being Born Rich. You are not qualified to handle the office's Starbucks order, let alone anything involving real work. MBS fucking brags out loud about what a useful idiot you are. Please walk away from government before anybody else gets hurt, you stupid, stupid, boy.

In all the horror, I hope we don't lose track of the element of this story where Donnie Dotard happily parroted the “they say they didn't do it and they sounded like they really really meant it” line, only to have the Saudis turn around and confess mere hours later. It's a magical blend of weakness, incompetence, and raw stoogery that only Donald J. Trump can deliver. He bought into the “rogue killers” line with the commitment of a dedicated LARPer. The Saudis could've told him it was robots, or talking kangaroos, and he'd have happily repeated the talking points on CNN.

I see Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against the Bloviating Bloat was dismissed in federal court today. Normally I don't cheer Shartboy’s wins, but if this precedes the long-overdue Going Away of Avenatti, I'm generally for it.

Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet, having recently boasted about how he was going to find the biggest arena in all of Texas to stump for his close buddy, Ted Cruz, instead settled for an 8,000-seat arena, because he knows he couldn't possibly fill a bigger one, even in one of America's largest cities, since everyone hates him. It's almost a shame more folks won't get to see his Ted's Dad Killed Kennedy and His Wife is Homely, But Vote for Him Anyway routine.

Alright, that's enough. If there was any more news today, I apologize for missing it, but what I need to do right now is release a long primal scream that lasts at least until the sun comes up. I'll see y'all soon.

This Week We Have to Shame our President Into Condemning the Murder of a Journalist. Fun!(Ferret/SC)

Well, we've graduated from tut-tutting about civility to locking ourselves in the safe room as the mob of torch-wielding Democrats circles the old family mansion. Whatever. As Eric Holder said, “When they go low, we tie them to the fire ant hill, and laugh at their screams as they are devoured alive. Only metaphorically, duh.”

(As always, you can find this post, with all kinds of useful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-we-have-to-shame-our-president-into-condemning-the-murder-of-a-journalist-citizenship-is-fun/)

(And don't forget about the Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)

This week we learned that Rand Paul's wife is a paranoid idiot, which shouldn't surprise us, because who but a paranoid idiot would marry Rand Paul?

We also learned that John Kelly doesn't like no uppity women sassin’ him with their opinion-having and whatnot, even when they are famous, powerful, United States Senators like Elizabeth Warren. Gosh John, you're gonna really hate it next year, when your full-time job will be fielding subpoenas from the army of new Congresswomen who are about to take over the House and hold your shitty boss accountable for once.

And Director Chris Wray admitted that the FBI didn't so much “investigate the accusations against Brett Kavanaugh” as “make a butter sculpture of the FBI investigating the accusations against Brett Kavanaugh,” but hey, at least the consequences won't affect the country for decades to come, right? Wait.

Everybody congratulate Sheldon Adelson, who has his very own Pet President! The rest of us are fucked, but at least Sheldon can count on the most powerful person on Earth acting like his personal agent. Amazing what a few million bucks buys these days. I wonder if he can make Shartboy do tricks? Like, can he walk right into the West Wing, dangling an over-cooked steak and an eight-figure check, and make Fat Q*Bert roll over, and beg? Probably.

Facing down a Blue Tsunami of angry Americans who've patiently waited for two long years to fire their complicit, collaborating, asses, Republicans have hit upon a couple of novel last-minute solutions: lying and cheating.

See, these dutiful little plutocrat toadies finally figured out everybody's pissed off about their dozens of attempts to steal health insurance from millions of their constituents, so now they're pretending that they're all just gaga about protections for pre-existing conditions, and also everyone should get TWO lollipops when they go to the doctor. As though we'd forget about the eleventy-billion Obamacare repeal votes, and that giant fucking party they threw at the White House when they passed that bill that REPEALED PROTECTIONS FOR PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS. It's like Wile E. Coyote running ads touting his commitment to roadrunner preservation.

And now Georgia GOP Governor candidate Brian Kemp is colluding with Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp to disenfranchise all those pesky African-American voters who are signing up to vote for Stacey Abrams. (Yeah, they're the same person. That's the joke.)

Yeah, the gerrymandering and the 24/7 propaganda-blasting media bubble aren't enough. Republican politicians now want to personally hand-select their electorate, voter by voter. There's a lawsuit aiming to force Kemp to actually allow democracy to happen in America, but he'd much rather fear-monger while abusing the power of his office in service to gifting himself a still more powerful office to abuse.

Similar fuckery is being perpetrated by RepubliThugs in North Dakota and Missouri and Indiana, because nothing in the world scares a conservative more than a voter. Seriously, just go trick-or-treating in their neighborhoods wearing regular clothes with a couple of those “I Voted” stickers. They'll lock their doors, turn off their lights, and most likely start shooting.

Pissant Pol Pot himself, or a ghost writer anyway, published a health care editorial in USA Today. It was...somewhat less than honest. As the saying goes, every word was a lie including “and” and “the.” Fucker might not be bringing manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt, but I imagine the fact-checker class is vacationing in the Hamptons by now.

Oh, and Sharty McFly invited Olivia Nuzzi into the Oval Office to watch his brains leak out of his ears and nostrils for a while. Anyway, he's still a massive fucking idiot, driven by vanity and grievance, in case you were wondering.

Queen Melania, hot off her tone-deaf African vacation, proclaimed herself to be The Most Bullied Person in the Whole Wide World Prolly, which will perhaps come as a surprise to Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, who has been unable to return to her home because of all the death threats. Maybe they can arm-wrestle for the title.

I see the Sensei of Sez-Hoo himself, Michael Cohen, has joined the Democratic Party. I know your first impulse is, “Fuck no, we don't want the weasel,” but let's explore some possibilities. His potential as a fundraiser, be it in a dunk tank scenario, or a $10,000 per plate...of rotten fruit to throw at his shitty little face scenario, is virtually limitless.

I suppose the big story is still the thing about Saudi Arabia kidnapping, murdering, and FUCKING DISMEMBERING Jamal Khashoggi, a critical journalist, and how the immoral shitpiles in our government are totally, 100%, cool with it.

Government Cheese Goebbels responded “Hey, it's just one guy, he wasn't even an American citizen, and he was an Enemy of the People™️ after all, so why should we let it stop us from selling them weapons to murder Yemeni children with? Especially when they put so much filthy oil money directly in MY pockets and hell no you can't see my tax returns!”

Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag wants everybody to know he's certainly not canceling his Saudi trip. Louise has been looking forward to the shopping for SO long, and you can imagine what she's like when she's disappointed.

Oh, and we're hearing that American intelligence agencies intercepted communications where the Saudis talked about kidnapping Khashoggi, and then the government decided not to warn him of the danger he was in. Which makes the Trump administration DIRECTLY COMPLICIT IN THE MURDER OF A JOURNALIST GET IT HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh wait, that's not a joke. That's the horrific reality of one free-press-hating regime collaborating with another to commit murder.

Anyway, let's remember that any other American President would have immediately brought the totality of our nation's power down, like God's own hammer, on Saudi Arabia's murderous new crown prince by now, but we in our wisdom elected the grifter who won't think twice about America's values when his own financial interests are at stake.

And while Americans suffered and died in the latest major hurricane to hit the east coast, the Hairplug That Ate Decency tended to his #1 priority: his own ego. He refused to cancel his latest hate rally, because it wouldn't be fair to him to sit at home pretending to give a fuck when everybody damn well knows he doesn't, which has a certain logic to it, I suppose.

And then the Kanye thing. I'm not gonna jump on West, because I'm in the “I hope he gets the help he needs/it's not cool to laugh at mental illness” camp. But the Velveeta Vulgarian, bringing in a celebrity to give him a lap dance while many Americans were losing their homes, or even their lives? Yeah, him I'm gonna shit all over.

The GOP candidate for Pennsylvania Governor, some dipshit called Scott Wagner, cut a campaign ad that's about half a foot away from screaming that he will skull-fuck his opponent and then piss in the empty sockets. Anyway, now I think I'll post seventy think pieces about how Democratic protesters are a violent, angry, mob, whaddya think?

Speaking of protests, the authoritarian dicktumors of Team Treasonweasel are trying to curtail protests near the Shart House, because they hate the Constitution and fear the people. Yeah, I know I'm not very funny tonight, something about seeing my government wage a multi-front war on freedom of speech fails to tickle my funny bone. My rage bone? My rage bone* is thoroughly stimulated.

Y'know, I think I finally figured out why so many Republicans rail and rage against colleges and the educated: perpetually-simmering envy of people whose brains actually work. Take these two young geniuses in Arizona whose diabolical plan to unmask a Democratic Congressman as a closet communist totally would've worked except for the fact that every single thing about it was epically fucking stupid and only a genuine fuckhead would’ve tried it.

Now it turns out the soulless scatmunchers in the Shart Administration enjoyed the first round of family separation atrocity so much, they're plotting a sequel. I guess the viagra just isn't getting the job done for Stephen Miller anymore.

I guess Miller ate paste in grade school. While I generally caution against confusing correlation and causation, if you see your kid chowin’ down on glue, go ahead and break that habit lest he grow up into the sort of monster who brings the full force of the most powerful nation in human history down on the heads of innocent children. Just to be safe.

In summation, I'm sick of these petty, evil, men hurting people in my name. I hope you'll use this next month to do everything you can to pry this country out of their hands; it's maybe the most important month of any of our lives. Get in the fight. History needs you.

*This is not what I call my penis, I promise.
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