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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 351

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Pre-Order my New Album, "High Crime Confessions & Jokes About Bone Spurs" on Spotify (Ferret/SC)

Grim shit out there this week, Resisters. The news is all high crimes, ethnic cleansing, and adorable bunnies, and my apologies, cuz I lied about the bunnies. Maybe keep a website with bunny videos open in another window while you read this.

(Yes, this post is available, with nifty news links, on my blog site: http://showercapblog.com/pre-order-my-new-album-high-crime-confessions-jokes-about-bone-spurs-on-spotify/)

Well, the impeachment inquiry has set up a nice little assembly line, moving various State Department officials through to give their damning testimony, saying yuh huh the whistleblower was right about everything and yuh huh Rudy Giuliani was running a shadow foreign policy/extortion ring in Ukraine and nuh uh we didn't like it. Fiona Hill, George Kent, and Gordon “sorry for all the crimez, please don't arrest me” Sondland, all had a turn, and Adam Schiff says he's go so much evidence he's tired of evidence, and we may not even need to hear from the famous whistleblower after all.

Shart House trade adviser Peter Navarro has always had trouble finding experts to back up his economic theories, because those theories are wrong and stupid and bad, so he made up his own, a stylin’ gent by the name of Ron Vara, which you'll notice is an anagram of “Navarro.” If you happen to see a commenter on this blog, going by, say, “Chaw Ropes,” lavishing praise upon the author, that is, I assure you, mere coincidence.

Things in Syria are going about as well as you'd expect, in the aftermath of Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot's reckless, impulsive, decision to let Putin and Erdoğan take the region out for a genocidal joyride. How much patriotic pride do you feel, watching Russian troops snicker as they move into our hastily-abandoned bases, eating our leftovers and using our old Smashing Pumpkins CDs for coasters? Shit, we'll need a whole new verse in The Star-Spangled Banner for this stuff.

Don't worry, though, the Russians didn't get everything; in at least one instance, we actually bombed our own base, to prevent the new tenants from using it. How's that for an excellent, efficient, use of your tax dollars?

Shart Garfunkel dispatched the Mediocre Mike Mob (Pence and Pompeo) to smooth things out, and Erdoğan went, “Mmmmmm, nah, I'm not meeting with those insignificant twerps.” I'm sitting here trying to imagine how Hillary Clinton would've reacted to a ninth-rate thug bigtiming her Vice President like that, knowing he would never, in a billion years, dare to try, lest she rip his spine out through his right testicle, anyway, America is more respected than ever, yadda yadda yadda.

Terrible news for Rudy Giuliani, as pretty much every single person he's worked with for the last year or so got arrested this week. Like, Rudy was feeling stressed, and he swung through the Mickey D's drive-thru for a quick McRib infusion, and they arrested the kid who took his order, just to be on the safe side. Y'see, the FBI investigation into Roo-Roo's various acts of fuckery and naughtiness includes a counterintelligence probe, so maybe all that boasting about not needing a lawyer was a smidge premature.

(Yes, the Icon of Incest's lawyer quit this week, because really, what's the point in mounting a futile defense when your client’s only chance is snagging that one last pardon before the whole crooked enterprise collapses into a sloppy pile of treason, impeachment, and overcooked steaks?)

Rudy's looking more and more like the busiest man in crime, and isn't it inspiring to see a late-in-life career change work out so well? I might need a special, regular, segment, just to keep up with all the malfeasance. We'll call it “Cousin Rudy's Crime Corner!”

For starters, looks like Rudes took half a million bucks from his recently-arrested associates’ now-famous company, “Fraud Guarantee.” For what? God knows, the check just says “skullduggery.”

Oh, and he was involved in a scheme to get racketeering charges against a fellah named Dmitry Firtash dismissed in exchange for that much-coveted Biden dirt (he just wants it for the spice garden on his back deck, honest). You may be asking yourself, “I wonder if this Firtash fellow is a shady oligarch connected to Russian organized crime?” and if you are, I would point out that that's an exceptionally lucky guess. Oh, and Dmitry is currently fighting extradition to the United States in...Vienna, a surprisingly popular destination for members of the Giuliani Syndicate these days.

Plus, he tried to secure a visa for that one crooked Ukrainian prosecutor, so that he could tour our nation's majestic national parks, maybe take in a Broadway musical, and also make up shit about Joe Biden. Anyway, see you next week on...Cousin Rudy's Crime Corner!

Checking in real quick with Th’Best People, meet “Magus Incognito,” Sharty McFly's latest appointee to the Commission on Presidential Scholars. Magus (ok, it's a pen name, but I hope he has it engraved on the door, just to accentuate the insanity) writes looney shit about Masonic Illuminati Power Secrets, and your President figured he oughta be in charge of passing out prestigious awards to high school students. Cool.

The House overwhelmingly voted to tell Hairplug Himmler “Hey Stop Fucking Up Syria, You Barely-Sentient Taintfungus,” with a bunch of Republicans joining in, because as awesome as the stochastic terrorism and concentration camps have been, Making Isis Great Again seems to have been a bridge too far.

Rand Paul blocked the Senate's version of the resolution, probably because he wants to add language appropriating funds to buy every escaped ISIS fighter a one-way ticket to the Western Hemisphere, because when you ask Rand to choose between national security and self-aggrandizing stunts, the outcome is never really in doubt.

Still, Il Douche didn't handle the bipartisan rebuke well, exploding at Nancy Pelosi during a White House meeting, like a plastic trash bag that had finally, after valiantly straining for as long as it possibly could, simply been stuffed with too much shit.

Which brings us to the LETTER. Yes, that letter. The one that reads like a third-grader wrote, or rather smeared it, in his own vomit, on the inside of some public restroom stall door. Literally everyone, from your Facebook friends to the most seasoned political reporters in Washington, initially assumed it was fake, because even Donnie Dotard couldn't be that dumb/rude/nuts, right? Amazingly, the public discovered this letter not because it was leaked by a concerned whistleblower, but because Fat Q*bert himself distributed it to lawmakers in this meeting as proof of his “toughness” with Erdoğan, which would be a bit like submitting a cellphone video of a violent bout with gastrointestinal distress as your audition tape for American Idol.

The meeting went downhill from there, which is kind of impressive, considering the starting point. Yes, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops threw quite the tantrum, calling Pelosi a “third-rate” (or possibly “third-grade,” such is the unbridgeable gap between the two parties) politician, until Dems in the room got tired of smelling the rapidly expanding puddle of pee at the base of his chair, and walked out.

Being an idiot, Littlefinger quickly tweeted out a photograph of Nancy handing him his own ass on a plate, because he imagined it depicted her as “unhinged,” rather than as “the single baddest muthafucka in town,” as it quite objectively does. Between the photo and the fuckin’ letter, I'm starting to think his reputation as a messaging genius might be a bit overblown.

Taking a little break from the exhausting work of enabling genocide and collecting impeachable offenses like Pokémon, the Manchurian Manchild hatched a little plot to spin one family's grief into a “See, I'm Totally Not a Sociopath” photo op, only to run into the inevitable difficulties that arise from being an absolute sociopath. The stable genius really thought a pair bereaved British parents would be totally delighted at his surprise offer of a sudden meeting with the diplomat's wife who killed their son in a automobile accident, then fled the country to escape consequences. “Or, if you'd rather avoid that emotional trauma, you could risk it all to take what's behind door number two!” Lord. Can I just say that life here in the extended Twilight Zone episode where we're all at the mercy of the ever-shifting whims of a demented game show host absolutely fucking sucks.

ProPublica got ahold of some of the Candycorn Skidmark's tax documents, and if you had wagered that those documents contained no evidence of any crimes whatsoever, you would've lost your fuckin’ money. Kinda reminds me of that enormous, meticulously-researched, New York Times deep dive into his long life of financial crimes, and just imagine the world of hurt awaiting that fuck when the office of the presidency isn't shielding him from legal consequences anymore; you'll have prosecutors lined up, taking numbers like at the meat counter.

In the midst of all of President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster's crimes and betrayals, House Republicans are trying to censure Adam Schiff, for, um, heroically defending the United States from lawless tyranny or something. I guess when your party has to rely on foreign assistance to gain power, the only logical conclusion is that patriotism is bad. Actually, I was at a baseball game a couple weeks back, and while I was singing along with the national anthem, Mark Meadows kidney-punched me and stole my wallet.

Figuring the best way to fight impeachment is to just keep committing crimes until the country's entire law enforcement apparatus is overwhelmed, Team Treasonweasel announced that next year's G7 summit would be held at one of the Marmalade Shartcannon's shithole golf resorts, because he's gonna need all that sweet emoluments cash to spend in the prison commissary, they sell ketchup and pornography, right?

At the very same press conference announcing this massive act of naked corruption, Jerk of All Trades Mick Mulvaney decided to give Adam Schiff and the Impeachment Inquiry (a fantastic band, by the way, they do an excellent cover of “I Fought the Law and the Law Won.”) a helping hand by confessing, live on television, to the most serious allegations in the Ukraine scandal, namely quid pro quo regarding the Quest to Prove the Bidens are Vampire Communist Terrorist Perverts or Something. Expect Mick to someday claim that since he wasn't read his Miranda rights before the press conference, nothing he said is admissible in a court of law.

Of his dirtbag boss’ unrepentant lawbreaking, Mulvaney merely sneered “get over it!” Hmmmmm...nah, I think we'll impeach the motherfucker instead, howbow dah?

Mike Pants is almost as good a negotiator as the Shart of the Deal himself. He sat down with the Turks, who said “we would very much like to continue our ethnic cleansing, you already said we could, no takebacks” but Mikey Hairshirt slapped the table and thundered, “That is absolutely unacceptable, sir! I must insist that I also be permitted to personally pick up your dry cleaning and give you a luxuriant foot massage!” and if the Turkish negotiators were able to suppress giggling in delight at how ready their American counterparts were to completely surrender, I salute their composure.

Mr. Pants had scarcely finished tweeting out “peace for our time” when the Turks resumed bombing, claiming they thought the negotiated ceasefire was for 120 seconds, not hours. Anyway, now they get to officially stamp “This Genocide Approved by the United States Government” on all the chemical weapons they're using on civilians, NEAT.

And Government Cheese Goebbels absolutely has Erdoğan's treacherous, murderous, back, dutifully parroting his anti-Kurdish propaganda talking points, selling his ethnic cleansing campaign like it was his daughter's latest line of knockoff handbags. Let me just say, seeing the words “ultimate solution” in one of that wannabe führer's tweets was not exactly comforting.

Lindsey Graham is out there trying to flatter and manipulate his old golfin’ pal into acting in America's interest for a change, and it might be funny if weren't so goddamn tragic.

Rick Perry, is really, truly, actually, quitting this time, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, or so we are told.*

Admiral William McRaven wrote what the kewl kids would call a “blistering op-ed,” denouncing the Offal in the Oval for "destroying the Republic,” which, McRaven claims, is a bad thing for president to do. Now, we're talking about the guy who got Bin Laden, here, so I can't wait for the QAnon crowd to start smearing him as a deep state pedophile traitor, which I assume they're already doing even as I type this.

Speaking of ultra-decorated military types, Jocular Jim Mattis told some jokes about bonespurs, while remaining tight-lipped about any treasons he may or may not have witnessed during his time in the Cabinet. You're not so special Jim, I'm the Meryl Streep of Drunken Morons Who Write Poop Jokes in Superhero Bathrobes. Anyway, awesome gags, Mr. Dog, how ‘bout you deliver a tight five to some House committees? Under oath, maybe?

And now Strawberry Shartcake is threatening to sue CNN for getting honest journalism all over his ridiculous elephant pants. Once again, we need a word for this awkward mishmash of sinister authoritarianism and laugh-out-loud legal incompetence...shit, maybe that word should be “trump.”

You could probably use a laugh right about now, so why not drink deep of the rage of the Cult45ers who bellowed and moaned about a deep state conspiracy to keep them from a rally in honor of their Turd Emperor, when the truth was that their payment for the busses they chartered simply bounced. Let that be a lesson to you, MAGAts; ‘ere ye go looking to increasingly insane conspiracy theories for answers, be sure to double-check that the problem isn't just that you're losers who suck at everything.

But there's always good news to be found, if you only dig around a bit. For example, the Florida GOP's deeply anti-democratic scheme to re-disenfranchise felons who have served their time via an insidious poll tax suffered a defeat in court today. That fight is really just getting started, but it's an encouraging early victory.

And the dam of GOP obsequiousness is startin’ to crack, just the tiniest bit. Mitt Romney has been walking upright like a regular vertebrate for several consecutive days now. Faint rumblings have begun emanating from Lisa Murkowski, which could indicate that she will behave as an American, rather than a blind Trump lackey. And even Florida Congressthing Francis Rooney can't seem to ignore it when Team Shart confesses right in front of the cameras. Hell, John Kasich came out as pro-impeachment today. The country could sorely use your help, folks.

Hillary Clinton was all over the news today, hammering the final nail in the coffin of the bullshit e-mail “scandal,” refusing to share a stage with child-torturing demoness Kirstjen Nielsen, and putting a boot (and frankly an entire pantsuited leg) up Tulsi Gabbard's ass. Good to see ya, Hilldawg.

And of course we lost Congressman Elijah Cummings this week. He was one of the great ones, as well as one of the truly good ones, if you take my meaning. After all he did for us over the years, I think we owe it to him to step into the void left by his passing; if a few million of us really work at it, we just might be enough to pull it off.

Ok, that's enough for one week, Shower Captives. Go get yourself a beer. Or some bunnies. Pick your poison.

*The editors cannot be held responsible if Perry has withdrawn his resignation by the time you read this.

Let's see...Russia, Iran, Syria, ISIS...All Great Again. America? No, You Don't Seem to be on the List.

Honestly, I'm still mostly shell-shocked from facing down the billion-headed hydra that was Last Week's News...and you're telling me there's more? Can't we all just agree to take a few days to crash on the couch, catch up on our shows and crafting projects, just...I dunno, sip some fuckin’ tea and smell some fuckin’ flowers? No? Dammit. Fine. Let's dive in...

(As always, you can find this post, with all those neat news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/lets-see-russia-iran-syria-isis-all-great-again-america-hmmmm-no-you-dont-seem-to-be-on-the-list/)

First, a correction. Many readers* objected to my depiction, in Friday night's blog, of the President of the United States as a “200 Pound Sack of Hippo Shit,” when he clearly couldn't dream of being merely 200 pounds of hippo shit on Dr. Ronny Jackson's drunkest day. I apologize for the error, and in the future I will strive to be more accurate in assessing the precise amount of hippo shit required to accurately depict the President.

Well, a very Merry Indigenous Peoples Day to you all, and don't even ask, because you already know President Crotchrot's campaign team marked the occasion by using an ethnic slur to attack Elizabeth Warren. Let it never be said they leave any opportunity to wave hello to their white nationalist base untapped.

Redactor General William Barr has had it with you kids and your rock music and tide pods, excuse me, I mean “tight pants.” Your horrible, “secular,” values of tolerance and equality are an existential threat to his belief system, which is mostly centered around the controversial “Donald Trump should be allowed to commit all the crimes” doctrine, initially put forth by St. Nobody of Neverfuckingexisted.

Mike Pompeo offered his own boorish musings on “being a Christian leader,” with darkly hilarious timing, even as his administration's actions led to the slaughter of women and children and the resurrection of an apocalyptic terror army. Anyway, I took a quick spin through the Bible over the weekend, and I couldn't find anything like “And then Jesus spake unto his disciples, and told them to go among the people and collect from them a tax, which shall then be presented to a serial sexual assaulter, that he may play golf at his leisure.” Maybe I missed something, I was skimming.

Barr and Pompeo are a regular theocrat Tweedlegoon and Tweedlethug, aren't they? It's a neat little grift the religious right has worked out with Team Treasonweasel; 100% of the sneering sanctimony of the performatively pious, without any of that pesky “being a good person” shit. Gather together for mass public displays of racist hate, mail pipe bombs to reporters, whatever; you can always adjust your Overflowing Outhouse God's doctrine to accommodate the new day's fresh sins.

In Pompeo's defense, he's probably still smarting from his brief encounter with an actual journalist, which he and his fellow cabal members rigorously avoid. If you look into Mikey's eyes when Nancy Amons holds him accountable for the sort of bullshit Fux Nooz propagandists would passively amplify, the thoughts percolating in that pea-sized brain are anything but “Christian.”

Obviously, the big news of the day is Sean Spicer's upcoming appearance on Dancing With the Stars. Hang on, I was looking at Dorito Mussolini’s Twitter feed, let me check in on what the actual media is saying.

Ah. Right. I suppose if I'd committed a historic foreign policy blunder, casting myself forever in the role of the Mrs. O’Leary's Cow of the Middle East, I'd rather talk about reality tv shows, too.

It's Putin's wettest dream made reality: what if the President of the United States was an easily-led, dime store hooligan with the intellectual capacity of three-day-old ham salad, who could be bought off with a fistful of shiny beads? An actual Russian figurehead, installed with the express purpose of weakening the United States, wouldn't be able to get away with nearly so much shit, but Donnie Dotard's famous incompetence enables him to go that extra mile, fuckin'-America-up-wise.

So, having been welcomed into Syria with hot towel and a fruit basket by the “leader of the free world,” the Turkish army and their allies are already committing war crimes. Openly boasting about assassinating Kurdish politicians. All the sorts of things you'd expect, when you reward a long-term ally's faithful partnership by delivering them into an ethnic cleansing campaign.

Abandoned by Trump (on Twitter, of course), the Kurds had nowhere else to turn but to the murderous Assad regime, so now the semi-autonomous Kurdish region will be divided up between Turkish and Syrian autocrats, to the endless delight of Russia and Iran. Why, when Putin was, as we have just learned, bombing hospitals a few short months back, he could scarcely have dreamt that his Personal Pet President would simply wander away one day, leaving a note on the fridge reading, “help yourself to the Middle East, keys're in the junk drawer.”

And the United States? Well, we’re retreating so quickly we're leaving “high-value” ISIS prisoners, or, in layman's terms, THE MOST DANGEROUS FUCKING TERRORISTS ON EARTH behind. Not to mention the 50 nuclear bombs Erdoğan is essentially holding hostage in Turkey. In short, we're weaker than ever, we gave away our interests and advantages in the region, and didn't get so much as a fucking challenge coin in return. The Shart of the Deal strikes again.

There are probably some serious bragging rights arguments going down tonight between Russia and ISIS, over who's benefited most from Hairplug Himmler’s treachery. I'd give the edge to the caliphate, which was on the brink of extinction before the President of the United States decided to hold a surprise recruitment drive on their behalf. Anyway, I think it's only fair that the newly-released jihadists agree to confine their inevitable future terror attacks to pro-Trump communities, but somehow I don't really expect an apocalyptic death cult to be so discerning. Anyway, I hope you, dear reader, are not the eventual victim of a Trump-liberated ISIS fighter's plot. Or a heavily-armed incel's mass shooting. Or any of the other insane roads to an early grave permitted/encouraged by the modern Republican Party.

Hellspawn Congressdemon Liz Cheney blamed the entire Syria debacle not on the out-of-his-depth dolt-in-chief who unilaterally gave the orders in defiance of all available advice, but on House Democrats for impeaching him because...well, that part wasn't particularly clear. Now, you may be inclined to laugh at Liz for spouting such patently ridiculous horseshit, but the truth is, the audience she's talking to doesn't need to hear anything beyond “Democrats are to blame” to giddily screech along in agreement.

Falling back on tried and true tactics from his real estate developer/white collar crook days, the Marmalade Shartcannon has been making sad, feeble, threats to sue Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff over...I dunno, something. Maybe he's seeking damages to cover the dry cleaning bills for all the ridiculous balloon pants he's ruined, pissing himself in terror at the latest round of subpoenas. Anyway, the House of Representatives isn't some small, family-owned, contracting business you can bully, and impeachment isn't an invoice you'd rather not pay, Fuck-O; if you didn't want to get impeached, you shouldn't have committed all those crimes.

Matt Gaetz, having apparently escaped his crate, wandered into the room where Fiona Hill was testifying before three House Committees, arguing that there was insufficient Mouth-Breathing Stooge representation in the room, whining that Schiff was a big ol’ meaniepants for not allowing him to sit in the back, flinging poo while shouting things he read on InfoWars. The Individual Wonder’s impeachment strategy seems to mostly involve trotting our snarling mediocrities like Gaetz and Gym Jordan to dishonestly whine about procedure, as though that will somehow make all the damning testimony irrelevant. Anyway, Matty got booted, which is pretty fuckin’ funny.

Actually, Adam Schiff's dance card is filling up so quickly, you'd think he was the protagonist in a Jane Austen novel. Michael McKinley had barely cleaned out his desk at Foggy Bottom before setting up his appointment with the impeachment inquiry. George Kent and Laura Cooper are testifying this week as well.

And then there's E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland, nervously observing the long arm of inevitable comeuppance as it plucks off members of Tangerine Idi Amin's inner circle, one by one, and suddenly singing a new song, saying, “when I told y’all earlier ‘no quid pro quo,’ there was actually a (tiny, inadequate) hand up my ass making me say that, I can't vouch actually for it and would very much like to not be prosecuted, thank you.” Drip, drip, fuckheads.

You'll never believe this, but Trump rallies apparently get even shittier when they're not broadcast live on television. It seems a gathering of Strawberry Shartcake’s scatmunching supporters at one of his tacky golf resorts featured a screening of a nasty little video clip, of doctored footage from the 1st Kingsman movie, depicting their Turd Emperor gleefully murdering perceived enemies like Maxine Waters, Black Lives Matter, and various news outlets.

Look, I get it. Your guy has failed to deliver on every promise. The wall is not built. The manufacturing sector is in recession. ISIS is resurgent. All he has to offer is enemies, and permission to dehumanize them to the point where violence is justified. And yes, the violent fantasy on display in this video is disturbing, but perhaps the greatest signifier of the disconnect between Trump supporters and reality is the notion that Fat Q*Bert could possible exert himself for more than half a second without collapsing into a wheezing pile of gelatinous goo, reeking of cold cheeseburgers and experimental hair tonic. Two different countries, folks.

And now I see Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops has announced some flaccid, slap-on-the-wrist sanctions against Turkey, for executing the very invasion he greenlit just one short week ago. Understand, these are MAGIC sanctions, which will resurrect the dead children, restore trust in America, and mystically transport allllllll the escaped ISIS prisoners back to their prisons, JUST KIDDING it's all theatre.

Anyway, I don't want to seem like a nag, but I think it's really weird that anybody anywhere is still siding with the guy who put a bunch of terrorists back on the streets. I'm curious as to how that isn't a deal-breaker. But then, I am a bleeding heart liberal cuck.

And to my fellow bleeding heart liberal cucks, I wish you a good night. Rest up, my friends, you'll be needed in the battles to come.

*I'm not kidding, I got like, ten different comments/e-mails about this.

Just Another Totally Normal Week of Totally Normal News, Here in Normaltown, USA! (Ferret/ShowerCap)

So, I was thinking of opening the blog tonight with a little joke like “slow news week, right?” which would be amusing because there was, in fact, a great deal of news this week. Get it? What I'm saying is, take a bathroom break now, and come back with snacks, because this motherfucker is gonna take some time.

(And yes, as usual, you can find this beast, with all those news links you know and love, at: http://showercapblog.com/just-another-totally-normal-week-of-totally-normal-news-here-in-normaltown-usa/)

The Senate Intelligence Committee released a bipartisan report concluding that when the Russians ratfucked the 2016 election, they ratfucked for thee, Donnie Dotard. Anyway, the Attorney General of the whole dang United States has been traveling the world, trying to get foreign governments to undercut these findings, which reflect those of our own intelligence community, based on a mind-bogglingly insane conspiracy theory, because cabinet secretaries waging war on law enforcement is just one of the many Extremely Normal and Cool things going on in the waking hell we call 2019.

Like all his businesses, the Trump Campaign is famous for not paying its bills. The latest grift is to stiff local governments on security costs for his hate rallies, and it looks as though they successfully bullied the Target Center in Minneapolis into eating those expenses, with a side order of Brad Parscale's shit. “Vote for the deadbeat who stiffs first responders” seems like a shaky reelection pitch, but I suppose Trumpism is 97% about being unapologetically shitty anyway, so why the fuck not?

Betsy DeVos has been living by the rules her whole life, (“You can't bulldoze that working class neighborhood just because you want a better view from your third yacht when it's moored, Betsy!” “Stop hunting the help for sport, Betsy!”) but now she's breakin’ out, like some sort of oligarch Thelma and/or Louise! Sure, she's violating a court order by continuing to collect student debt payments for the defunct n’ fraudulent Corinthian Colleges, but she's not gonna do what the MAN tells her to!

Facebook says it's super mega awesome for politicians to spread any lies they can dream up in their campaign ads, so long as they keep the money flowin', which is good for the Committee to Re-Elect the 200 Pound Sack of Hippo Shit, but not really ideal for democracy in our nation of two increasingly-divergent realities. Anyway, that means it's up to you to fact check Aunt Mertle back home when she shares that ad where they claim Diamond Joe drives a custom-built Prius that runs on puppy blood.

I suppose it was inevitable, given his fervor for information security, that Trey Gowdy would join the impeachment fight...on the side of the goons frantically concealing evidence of wrongdoing from the public on, you guessed it, a private server. Yeah, it seems Trey joined Team Treasonweasel's legal division, perhaps out of an eagerness to have his every public statement thrown back in his face as proof of the boundless partisan hackery he posses in lieu of a personal code of ethics. Ah, but Gowdy Doody can't start until January, on account of lobbying rules (something something drain the swamp), and the Candycorn Skidmark could be scrambling eggs in a prison kitchen by then.

When shit gets super-serious, when you're drowning in scandal, there's a little red box all Republican presidents install in the Oval Office that says “in case of impeachment, break glass” and inside the box is a secret proposal to make rich people even richer. Not because it'll help anything, but because the plutocrat donor class wants to make sure you do ‘em one last favor on the way out the door. Anyway, Team Kochpuppet wants to make it easier for corporations to hide profits overseas to avoid taxes, because populism.

Seems more and more like everyone, down to the mice in the White House ceiling, knew the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor was up to no good in his “hey congrats on the new gig, let's skip straight to the extortion” interactions with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, including “at least four national security officials,” as well as career employees at OMB, whose concerns were rewarded by having their authority over military aide transferred to a loyal political hack. Don't worry, Shart-Shart, I'm sure all these witnesses will go to jail for you before they talk to Congress.

Hey speaking of impeachment, recent Monmouth polling finds that 100% of current U.S. Presidents are pissing themselves so hard in fear of losing the desperately-needed legal protection of their office that their shoes are like little urine-filled water balloons. Indeed, Kid Kompromat ordered his lawyers to toddle down to the nearest zoo, scrape the shit off the walls of the monkey cage, spread it on official White House stationary, sign it, and send it to Nancy Pelosi, ideally hand-delivered by Lindsey Graham, just to remind him of his place. That explains the gonzo authoritarianism of the letter White House Counsel Pat Cipollone sent to House Democrats, suggesting the Founding Fathers were totally kidding about all that shit about “separation of powers” and “congressional oversight of the executive,” and yes, you can just copy and past this directly into an article of impeachment.

Former NSA H.R. McMaster responded to a reporter's question about whether or not it's appropriate for the President to conscript foreign governments into his reelection campaign with the “Fucking of course not, are you fucking stupid? Why would you even ask such a stupid fucking question?” that you'd expect from any second-grader who didn't pass out from paste poisoning during their American history class. Y'know, I bet ol’ H.R. has a story or two that Adam Schiff n’ friends would just looooooove to hear...

Entirely lost in the shitstorm of high crimes and misdemeanors, a new book alleges 43 previously unknown instances of Shart Garfunkel’s inappropriate behavior towards women, including 26 new charges of sexual assault, and yes, that's in addition to the dozens of accusations already out there. I think future presidential debates should address this; maybe the moderators could ask something like, “if someone were to document your lifelong record of sexual misconduct, would they need an ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING BOOK for that? Cuz we're ideally looking for someone in the Post-it-note-or-less category.”

Surprise, surprise, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan took Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot up on his offer to kick off his ethnic cleansing campaign without fear of consequences, by invading Syria, killing a bunch of civilians in air strikes, and utterly annihilating any chance of the USA ever being trusted again.

The "reasoning” Hairplug Himmler offered to justify our faithless abandonment of loyal allies had something to do with the absence of Kurds at Normandy. Sure. Whatever. Then he briefly instituted a new draft, solely for purpose of dodging it. As an additional Fuck You to the Kurds, the world, and the very concept of basic decency, the Yeah America is Evil Now Administration literally teamed with Russia to veto a U.N. Security Council resolution aimed at condemning Turkey's invasion.

Now, Littlefinger believes there will be no consequences for his treachery, claiming “alliances are very easy.” Old man, UMBRELLAS are too hard for you. Anyway, after shrugging off the potential release of the 12,000 ISIS militants the Kurds had been detaining because who cares, they'd just go to Europe, you couldn't assemble an international coalition to go halvsies on a Domino's Pizza and a two-liter of Grape Crush right now.

Since getting washed out of the Governor's mansion courtesy of the 2018 Blue Wave, the Wisconsin GOP has narrowed the scope of its ambitions substantially; these days the state party's platform consists mainly of “let's be a dick to this one guy,” a disabled Democratic Representative named Jimmy Anderson. Now, Anderson just wants to be able to call into meetings he can't make in person, which is a pretty damn reasonable request, but Wisco Republijags have decided to fuck with him instead, because they're terrible human beings. Lawyers got involved, pointing out that the jagoffs in question were violating the Americans with Disabilities Act, so they relented, but now they're trying to tack additional power grabs onto the rule changes, because, again, they are Lollapalooza outhouses.

So, Orange Julius Caesar has a reputation as a sociopathic monster with a fossilized buffalo turd for a soul, who cares only about himself, but maybe that's a little unfair. Turns out, not only was he doing everything in his power (and quite a few things that weren't, legally speaking) to squash investigations into his own criminal wrongdoing, but he also leaned on ol’ Rex Tillerson to shut down an investigation into one of Rudy Giuliani's clients, who had committed a small, harmless crime, merely (checks notes) violating American sanctions on Iran. See? He wasn't corrupting the entire American legal system just for his own benefit! He tried to give his crooked pals a (tiny, inadequate) hand, too! A friend indicted is a friend indeed!

More bad news in Rudytown, as he has now officially been sexually rejected by every living relative. Worse than that, a couple of his foreign-born “clients” got good n’ righteously arrested for various acts of election law fuckery, and for everyone at home, if there's any room left on your all-but-disintegrated Trump Crimez scorecard, President Crotchrot's personal lawyer has apparently been in business with some mobsters who've been illegally laundering Russian money into Republican politicians’ campaigns n’ PACs n’ fantasy football leagues.

As you've no doubt heard by now, the derpnamic duo's international web of shady endeavors included businesses named “Mafia Rave” and yes, “Fraud Guarantee.” Since those jokes write themselves, and we still have a fuckton of insanity to get through, I'm just gonna move on.

Did I mention Igor and Lev got arrested while attempting to flee the country on one-way tickets to Vienna? And I bet that looks suspicious to you paranoid liberals, but maybe they were just following their truth, impulsively indulging in a last minute trip to grab a little topfengolatsche in that charming cafe in the Währing district where they used to plot felonies together? Where's your sense of romance? Of adventure? You're so joyless, I honestly feel sorry for you.

(Naturally, with his partners arrested for various crimez, Rudy G is under criminal investigation himself, by the very office he once led, TEE FUCKIN' HEE. I don't want to get my hopes up, folks, but there's a package under the Xmas tree that looks suspiciously like Rudy Guiliani Getting Arrested and maybe Dad just put six pairs of socks in a box shaped like Rudy Giuliani Getting Arrested, but the waiting is fucking killing me.)

You're probably equally suspicious of the mysterious meeting between between Redactor General Billy Barr and Rupert Murdoch in Murdoch's New York lair, er, “home.” What if I told you it was merely two old friends, who can never find time to get together on account of how they're both super-busy fucking up the whole world all the time, but at long last they found a mutually free evening to finally finish the backgammon game they started back in 1991, which Rupert had faithfully preserved in his study lo these many years? I mean, I'd be lying my ass off, but what if I told you that anyway?

Barr's a regular ninja these days, whether he's sneaking around Europe looking to bully world leaders into providing “evidence” to back ridiculous conspiracy theories, using the maid's entrance to avoid reporters at the Chateau de Fauxnewz, or sneaking into Notre Dame to give a speech without any crowds of young patriots showing up to protest his treasonous ass, he's like Jowlsy, Shitty, Batman.

After his long-overdue eviction from the halls of Congress courtesy of Colin Allred and the Big Blue Wave, I'd hoped to never hear Pete Sessions’ name again, but since he's swept up in this sting of the Giualini Crime Syndicate, I'll allow it. Good luck on your comeback bit, you crooked fuck! Does the vote count for you if somebody writes in “Congressman 1?”

Oh, and Kevin “What if You Left a Jar of Mayonnaise on the Porch Overnight During a Heat Wave and then Made it House Minority Leader” McCarthy got caught accepting a fat stack of freshly laundered, snuggly soft Russian money, too? Jeeves! Bring me my fainting couch, quickly!

Well, he overlooked nearly three years of unceasing racism and law-breaking, a disastrous trade war, concentration camps full of children, dozens of sexual assault allegations, and repeated acts of open treason, but retiring GOP Congressthing John Shimkus has officially renounced the Emperor of Turds, with the Syria treachery as the apparent breaking point. Between him and Justin Amash, the Principled Congressional (Ex-) Republicans club is now large enough to hold (brief) thumb wrestling tournaments. Maryland's Republican Governor, Larry Hogan came out in support of the impeachment inquiry as well, and George Will of all people is one bad day away from leading a torches-and-pitchforks mob to Devin Nunes’ house.

Ain't no party like a Trump Trade War party cuz a Trump Trade War party crotch-punts the manufacturing sector into recession! Yes, and the incisive minds over at Politico have gone so far as to suggest this festering, self-inflicted, wound on the American economy might just hurt Donnie Two-Scoops’ electoral prospects in 2020. I could totally be a pundit if it weren't for the lamestream media's inherent bias against the masked-and-bathrobed.

Lindsey Graham is so good at making a treasonous ass of himself, it seems almost cruel to help, so let's help. Yes, it seems Baron Golfin von Fatfuk’s Prize Poodle was the victim of a little prank call, in which he sympathetically discussed the “Kurdish problem” with a man he believed to be Turkey's minister of defense. Turkey's “Kurdish problem” differs from Hitler's “Jewish question” in that "Kurdish” and “Jewish” are spelled differently.

Other Senators are contorting themselves into increasingly cubist shapes to avoid answering the simple question, “should the President bully the entire global community into working on his campaign, or do laws still matter here?” basically “what would you do for a Klondike Bar,” only with ducking accountability to the public as the goal rather than ice cream nummies. Personally, I'll take tortured non-answers and awkward silence over obsequious water-carrying; and it sure is fun to watch craven stooges like Joni Ernst and Cory Gardner squirm. Even Jim Risch joined the party, reminding the world that yes, Idaho has a Senator, and he sucks a great deal.

Understandably needing to blow off some steam (treachery is hard work), Strawberry Shartcake took the night off to engage in the only hobby that still brings him any joy: getting a roomful of shitty white people together and belching up hate speech for an hour or so. Watching the doddering old shitbag rage against Somali refugees in a city containing one of the largest Somali communities in the country, you thought, “my God, we've been so focused on his corruption and incompetence lately, we'd almost forgotten about the seething white supremacy.” Oh, and he did a little bit where he simulated Peter Strzok, who lives rent-free in one of his nine remaining brain cells, coming to orgasm, because that's the sort of thing the President spends his day thinking about, instead of, say, international trade, which he still fails to understand.

That Klan rally high would prove to be short-lived, however, as a new day brought with it the news that he had lost his appeal to forever hide his tax returns in the deepest dungeon in all the land until a hero who is pure of heart should come forth to answer the dragon guardian's three riddles and release his real (and surely humiliating) net worth to the world via true love's kiss, because his “legal” arguments were always nothing but the purest grass-fed horseshit, anyway, TURN OVER THEM DOCS, scumbag.

But that legal nutpunch was just the warm-up for what would prove to be a daylong judicial jackhammer to the Trumpal scrotum. A federal judge ruled that the Sunny D-Bag could shove his pathetic Mitch-McConnell-rolled-me-on-wall-money-so-I'll-just-declare-a-state-of-emergency power grab straight up his ass, and his lawyers protested that there are already so many court defeats up said ass that he has to shit out of his ears, but the court was unmoved. Then he lost again, this time on his attempt to implement a rule designed to keep low-income immigrants out. Losers gonna lose, y'know?

Former Ambassador to Ukraine Marie L. Yovanovitch testified behind closed doors today, about how she was fired for being on the wrong side of the fight against corruption in Ukraine: she wanted less of it while President Gas Station Urinal Cake and his thuggish “lawyer” wanted more, so as to smear the Biden family for political gain and personal profit. Yeah, I don't think whining about the whistleblower not having first-hand knowledge is gonna get you out of this one, champ.

Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo's State Department tried to block Yovanovitch's testimony, and you can understand why, but she said unto them “Nah.” Similarly, former Russia advisor Fiona Hill, and E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland, who had earlier been blocked from testifying, have scheduled their own depositions. My sources tell me the Shart House is drafting a controversial executive order which would mandate all executive branch employees who testify before the impeachment inquiry to first Kiss Stephen Miller, Yes on the Mouth, for at Least a Count of Five, which I expect will deter all but the bravest and most patriotic.

The Bonespur Buttplug, consistent with his stated goal to decrease America's military footprint in the Middle East, is now deploying hundreds of new troops to Saudi Arabia, on the assumption that we're all so exhausted we'll go “fuck it, let the old bastard have this one." So, if you fought and died beside our soldiers to dismantle the ISIS caliphate, your reward is a bright red target on your back, but when it comes to the financial interests of the House of Saud, let the American blood flow!

Today in entirely predictable consequences, ISIS militants are already taking advantage of the chaos in the wake of the Turkish invasion to escape from their Kurdish prisons, so I guess Tangerine Idi Amin has the pro-terrorism vote locked up now. Can I just say, when the actions of the President of the United States lead, in just a few short days, to the release of MOTHERFUCKING ISIS FIGHTERS, I don't understand how anyone anywhere argues against impeachment. I know “hey, don't put terrorists back on the streets, dumbass” isn't explicitly in the Constitution, because Madison never thought America would be dumb enough to elect a tar-souled sociopath, but it's weird to me that anyone is still on this reckless idiot's side.

The Turkish military thanked the United States for their genocidal green light by...shooting at American soldiers. It happens. You know. Fog o’ war, whaddya gonna do, look, we really really really wanna slaughter these women and children, and if your troops got in the way, what can we say but “whoopsies” anyway back to killing women and children.

To the dismay of traitors everywhere, it seems that a wave of copycat whistleblowers is beginning to reach out to congressional Democrats with their own tales of treason, extortion, and probably Mick Mulvaney's habit of strangling girl scouts in the bathroom to relieve stress. Anyway, we request that all patriots seeking to save their country from a lawless tyrant please form an orderly line outside Adam Schiff's office.

Shepard Smith unexpectedly stepped down as Chief News Anchor and Managing Editor at Fux Nooz, either because he got tired of providing the veneer of credibility for the propaganda machine tearing this country apart, or because the Farthuffing Fascist can't tolerate even an hour or two of relative honesty on State Teevee, and pressured Fux to can him, what a fun scenario to ponder over the weekend. Anyway, Rupert, if you're looking for a replacement, have your people call my people*!

Once again, Comeupwithyourownfuckingnicknameatthispoint demanded to be hailed as Prince Among Presidents in declaring premature victory in trade talks with China, because apparently negotiators have maybe nearly arrived at a partial agreement, though nothing is written down yet, anyway, mint those challenge coins, boys, and tell the Nobel people to recall the awards!

Late Friday evening, Acting Homeland Security Secretary Kevin McAleenan resigned, but I had long since passed out by then. I've been unconscious for hours, actually. I have no idea how I'm even typing this, I think I'm fucking broken.

I can't believe you're still reading. This can't have been fun for you. Go. I release you. You're free. Spend time with your loved ones. Or drink alone. It's up to you. See you next week, Resisters, stay safe out there.

*cat

Turks Trick Trump, Transform Trust to Treachery (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Well, if you had “it'll get worse before it gets better” in your office pool, you won a bunch of money, cuz holy fuck, things're BAD out there, my friends. In my great and unmatched drunkenness, I shall attempt to guide you through this shitshow; safety most definitely not guaranteed.

(And if you want this post with all those helpful news links, it's a click away at: http://showercapblog.com/turks-trick-trump-transform-trust-to-treachery/)

Ron Johnson, hot off his “Oops I helped make the case for impeachment” interview with the Wall Street Journal, staggered out onto Meet the Press in an attempt to paper over his Turd Emperor's well-documented, publicly-confessed, crimes with a half-hearted regurgitation of conspiracy theories ridiculous enough to make Alex Jones roll his eyes*, only to run into the buzzshaw that is Chuck Todd 2.0. RoJo doesn't trust his own country's law enforcement agencies, but his faith in the comments section of patriotspooj.magapants is unshakable.

Snarling Incest Aficionado Rudy Giuliani is all in on the conspiracy theories, too, manically waving around printouts from fringe websites, loudly insisting they are actual affidavits. That's how confident this cabal is that their well-trained rube army will unquestioningly swallow any lie they're fed. And you know what? They're probably right.

Now, Rudy may be a traitor his nation, he may be a propaganda-spewing thug working to destroy everything that's good and true about the United States of America, but you have to hand it to him: he's one helluva multi-tasker! I mean, if you're going all the way to Kiev to strong-arm a vulnerable new government into fabricating dirt on your domestic political foes, why not tack on a side grift, helping your buddies muscle in on the Ukrainian gas business? Two crimes for the price of one!

Rick Perry woke up Saturday morning wondering, “shit, how'd this big fat honkin’ BUS wind up on top of me?” as the Pharaoh with Feeble Phalanges decided to engage in a rousing game of Pin the Scandal on the Energy Secretary. While Professor Smartguyglasses might not be responsible for the his boss’ impeachable misconduct, he certainly seems to have been a very naughty boy in his own right, prodding the new Ukrainian government to fill the board of their state-owned gas/energy company with powerful GOP donors, because let's face it, dividing the world up among the plutocrat class is what Republicans are for!

The Failing New York Times published an amusing little exploration of the moral devolution of former Never-Trump conservatives, such as Erick Erickson and Glenn Beck, who happily abandoned their so-called principles for money, and honestly not even that much money. Read it, if only to feel good about yourself for actually believing in things.

Did you see the fun little story about the Customs and Border Protection officer who menaced a journalist, refusing to turn over his passport until he “confessed” to writing “propaganda?” Friends, this is the behavior of an aspiring concentration camp guard, the petty tyranny of tiny, rage-contorted, soul, infected by President Crotchrot's anti-press rhetoric, delighting in the small bit of power delegated to him to abuse. And this hardly seems to be an isolated incident.

North Korea called off nuclear talks with the Shart of the Deal, and all America got was this lousy challenge coin. Sources say Kim Jong-un sent Trump a package containing some of Otto Warmbier's personal effects and a handwritten note which reads, “Hey, thanks for all those photos of me standing, side-by-side, as equals, with the President of the United States, in return for which I gave you not one thing beyond the fleeting, nonsensical, hope of Nobel Prize, I can't fucking BELIEVE you fell for that shit, anyway we're gonna go test some more missiles now, cuck!”

Seems Bronco Billy Barr is generating some backlash with his global Lie About the Mueller Investigation or Else tour, possibly even threatening America's most vital intelligence-sharing relationships. What's truly amazing is, this isn't anywhere near the biggest story today about this blundering flock of rectums blowing up relationships with our closest allies.

I don't think Boris Johnson has quite managed to make all of Great Britain tip over and fall into the sea yet, but it certainly doesn't hurt to check every hour or so.

Lawyers for Whistleblower the First announced that they are indeed now representing at least one additional whistleblower, and if Weehands McNodick isn't careful, these things’re gonna multiply like fucking tribbles. Yapping Fascist Sidekick Lindsey Graham says he'll force the whistleblowers, even if there're a thousand of ‘em, to reveal their identities and testify publicly, which is, of course, a violation of the laws that protect whistleblowers from retaliation, and it's maybe not a great sign that GOP Senators are already so giddy to ignore the law.

As for the whistleblower problem, with all due respect to Elizabeth Warren, Donnie Dotard has a plan for that, and that plan is to drastically reduce National Security Council staff in order to limit the number of potential witness to his his tele-crimes. Now, that's a move that only makes sense if you're willing to risk the security of the United States and all her citizens for you own petty, selfish, motivations, but you'd have to be a complete and total sociopath to...oh right.

Ongoing illegal coverup efforts notwithstanding, the Velveeta Vulgarian is allegedly worried about the effect of impeachment on his good name. Yeah, one more of the pimples on the leathery old man ass of your reputation has popped, adding its own uniquely foul dribble of pus to the tapestry of ooze, filth, and sweaty butt hair that is your “legacy.”

And so we continue our lonely wait for C'mon Just One Teeny Bit of Love of Country for Fuke's Sake from Senate Republicans. Willard Romney tweeted a couple of things suggesting he might believe the rule of law is at least kinda okay, and now Government Cheese Goebbels wants to impeach him and the station-wagon-with-a-dog-crate-on-top he rode in on, even though you cannot impeach Senators, but look, you can't expect a man who can't figure out how to close an umbrella to understand these things. Susan Collins and Ben Sasse are experimenting with standing up to treasonous tyranny, but their muscles have largely atrophied from inactivity, so they'll require a bit of rehab. Ohio's Rob Portman speaking out? Now THAT'S interesting.

House Democrats subpoenaed the Pentagon and the Office of Management and Budget for records pertaining to the Treasonweasel Administration's attempts to blackmail Ukraine with aid, in a move that highlights the conflict between my desire to be thorough, and the nigh-impossible task of saying anything even remotely amusing about this sort of procedural jousting.

Like the thing in New York, where a federal judge curb-stomped Shartolo Colon's bullshit lawsuit attempting to hide his tax returns, only to have a stay of the subpoena immediately granted by an Appeals Court. See? It's important, but it's just not funny. It's pretty good news that his “I'm above the law neener neener neener” argument got thoroughly crapped upon, though.

Still another judge ordered the Shart House to preserve all records of Fat Q*Bert's communications with foreign leaders, but he was wearing a really silly hat when he ruled, I promise.

Hey, I guess the Chinese government has veto power over Americans’ free speech rights, at least in the NBA, that's fun! Now, the crime spree based out of the West Wing seems like a bigger deal to me, but then, I am not Marco Rubio.

In another fun sign of how awesome things are in Donald Trump's Amerikkka, House Democrats are considering extraordinary measures to conceal the whistleblower's identity during his testimony, to prevent their Rethuglican colleagues from illegally leaking it to Tangerine Idi Amin's primed-for-violence zombie base. My forthcoming novel, Love in a Time of Stochastic Terror, will be available next spring, accompanied by an audiobook version voiced by infinite monkeys eternally shrieking.

Y'know, thinking about it for a bit, Strawberry Shartcake's legacy might not wind up being that of The Guy Who Got Impeached. Suddenly the obituary headline is looking more and more like He Was a Bugling Traitor Who Permanently Destroyed America's Credibility and Abandoned Her Closest Allies to be Slaughtered by a Genocidal Autocrat.

Yes, in the greatest betrayal of his seven decades of treachery, the Bonespur Buttplug helpfully held the door open for Turkey's Tayyip Erdoğan to invade northern Syria and butcher the Kurds, who have been fighting and dying alongside American troops for years. Yeah, thanks for the gallons of blood you've shed for us, but you didn't offer the Grifter Grand Wizard permission to build one of his tacky-ass buildings in your territory, so really, you had it coming.

Appalling as this is already is, it gets even worse. Earlier, the U.S. had successfully lobbied the Kurds to dismantle their defenses against the Turks, in favor of American guarantees of security. Got that? We tricked these people into unilaterally disarming, and then handed them over to their enemies on a fucking plate. The casual evil of that staggers me. No one will ever trust this country again. No one should.

Oh, by the way, if you were wondering what the Kurds had been doing to pass the time lately, well, they've been fighting ISIS, and holding 12,000 suspected terrorist prisoners, on our behalf. They won't have time for that now, what with the whole “staving off genocide” thing, so that means the terrorist caliphate gets a much needed breather, and time to recover, recuperate, and plot more terrorist attacks. I gotta admit, having a President who does pro-ISIS shit is kinda zany.

From all indications, this historic betrayal is the result of a single phone call, in which our perpetually-overmatched “master negotiator” caved completely to an authoritarian goon, casually abandoning America's every interest in the region, without consulting a single soul who might actually be able to tell their ass from a hole in the ground. Shit, Erdoğan probably just complimented the dolt on the turnout at one of his rallies, offered to have hookers piss in the bed Obama slept in when he visited in 2009, and then confidently provided the precise coordinates of the troops he wanted his trained dog to withdraw.

And so, with the public blessing of the President of the United States of America, today, the Turkish government began murdering the brave people who have been our loyal allies for so long, according to reports.

The President of the United States used the power of his office to deliberately harm national security, and benefit ISIS. Benefit Iran. Benefit Russia.

Suddenly, Republicans from Liz Cheney to Nikki Haley to Wrinkly Gamera himself have woken up and realized, “say, this Trump fellow is rather reckless!” Poor Lindsey Graham, who re-sells his soul daily, who chased millions of women permanently out of the GOP so Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet could have his precious SCOTUS pick, didn't even merit a phone call. He broke up with your policy by tweet, you pathetic stooge.

Unbelievably, in the middle of a day when he was taking bipartisan fire for doing Putin's bidding, the Kompromat Kid couldn't stop himself from checking another item off the Xmas list Vlad had hopefully mailed to Santa Trump, trying to pull the U.S. out of the Open Skies treaty.

Dear God in Heaven, can somebody IMPEACH THIS MOTHERFUCKER BEFORE HE GETS US ALL KILLED?

Yeah, it'd be pretty cool if we could take care of this clown before he figures out he can change the news cycle by raffling off nuclear warheads in downtown Damascus, but that would require Republicans to stand up to the hate mob they call their base, so I'm just gonna go ahead and start drinking now. Rest up, Resisters, you'll need every ounce of strength you can muster before this shit's done.

*If he could, though I'm told Jones will need to auction off his eyes to cover his legal fees.

The White House is a Moat Filled With Snakes and Traitors, and Even Chuck Todd Can See It (Ferret)

Fuck, y’all. This week. This fucking WEEK. If Churchill were alive today, he would devote the rest of his life to writing a sixteen-volume chronicle of just this week. And he wouldn't finish it, and his kid would take over the series after he died, while HBO turned it into a hit show which would eventually develop a hellaciously toxic fan base.

Anyway. Let's do this. (And yeah, you can find the post, with all those news links you know and love, here:http://showercapblog.com/the-white-house-is-a-moat-filled-with-snakes-and-traitors-and-even-chuck-todd-can-see-it/)

Tuesday morning, a mouse fell from the White House ceiling, right onto a group of reporters, because while God has a sense of humor, a rat would've been a little on the nose.

Boorish Thuglomat Mike Pompeo says he won't let mean ol’ House Democrats bully and intimidate any State Department employees, because that's HIS job, goddammit, with reports of threatened retaliation for any stoolies who cooperate with the investigation into his traitor boss’ treasonous treachery. Look, justice ain't gonna obstruct itself, okay?

President Gas Station Urinal Cake, who required two years of shaming before he'd devote one single tweet to mark LGBTQ Pride Month, needed no prompting whatsoever to celebrate 70 years of oppressive communist dictatorship in China. Of course it wouldn't be long until we'd learn just why he's so eager to kiss autocrat ass these days...

Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue popped up at the World Dairy Expo in Wisconsin to tell all the serfs “small farms are for CUCKS, you're all gonna get sucked up by big factory farms, learnt to love it, by the way no, we're not taking the trade war boot off your necks any time soon, eat shit, vote Trump!” and the pure, unfiltered, populism emanating from this administration is positively blinding, isn't it?

So, the Most Depressing Poll Imaginable revealed that 6 out of 10 Republicans don't believe Sharty McFly brought up Smilin’ Joe Biden in that infamous, mega-illegal, call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, despite the Shart House's own transcript volunteering the proof that he did. That's how deep the brainwashing runs, folks; not just readily swallowing lie upon lie, but purging your own memory of any inconvenient details you may've stumbled across with your own two eyes. It's not that he could shoot somebody in the middle of 5th Avenue, it's that if he did, his zombie base would insist that although he didn't shoot anybody, the victim totally deserved it because they were a deep state liberal plant, and also there's no such place as 5th Avenue.

Geraldo Rivera, whose long career as a public idiot has made him one of the most trusted voices in the right wing media jagoffosphere, made an uncharacteristically intelligent observation: that the difference between Trump and Richard Nixon is, Nixon didn't have a shameless stooge in the media, eager to spread any lie or conspiracy theory on his behalf, while Donnie Two-Scoops has Sean Hannity! Yes, Geraldo seems to be lamenting the fact that Tricky Dick was held accountable for his crimes, which may seem odd to you and me, but defending treasonous felonies is just part of the membership dues in the modern Republican Party.

If you were pitching the Trump presidency to a movie studio as a work of fiction, you'd say, “think Hitler, but dumb.” And then you'd describe the scene where the Fascist Farthuffer orders his underlings to supplement his Big Dumb Border Wall with a moat filled with snakes and alligators, and watch the producers’ eyes light up as they realize, “yes, that is precisely the sort of thing Hitler would do if he were very, very, very, dumb.” And now that you'd have their attention, you'd reel ‘em in by telling ‘em when his very stable genius idea to shoot migrants turns out to be illegal (because murder is still against the law, at least for now), he suggests just shooting them a little bit, in the legs, “to slow them down.” If I may so bold as to make a small suggestion; the next president shouldn't be a bloodthirsty maniac.

(One of the ways you can tell we all live in Hell is how periodically the Individual Wonder will brag about how much wall is getting built on the very same day the government issues an official statement confirming that the wall remains fully imaginary.)

And Unhinged Rat-and-Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani sure has been racking up the frequent flier miles in his manic quest to blackmail the government of Ukraine into saying Joe Biden killed Kennedy, Jesus, and Seth Rich with bare hands and also totally shoplifts gum, even though he can obviously afford gum, just for sick thrill of it. He's running a shadow foreign policy operation. He's hand-crafting bullshit statements and forcing them into world leaders’ hands. He's even developed his own little packet of malicious misinformation; a sort of bizarro, tooth-decay-encrusted, Steele Dossier. For extra hubris, the treacherous old fuck is actually forging White House logos to lend an aura of authority to his propaganda.*

Of course, Team Treasonweasel isn't just colluding with foreign nations, but with with imprisoned American felons! Yes, Rudy has recruited Pardon-Hungry Paul Manafort, too, and it's like the montage in a heist film where they're putting the team together, only instead of a safecracker and a getaway driver, it's all hateful old white dudes, and instead of robbing a bank vault, they're trying to STEAL OUR MOTHERFUCKING COUNTRY FROM US. I guess Rudy's bucket list had just two entries: Incest, and Destroying American Democracy.

Shit, Weehands McNodick even asked Boris Johnson to pitch in on Operation: Joe Biden is Bad for Indeterminate Reasons But Trust Me He is So Very Bad, which shows his desperation, because from all indictations, Boris couldn't find his own dick with a map.

Now, you might think that between impeachment and losing a fight to the worst band in the world (we'll get there), Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot might be too distracted to continue his full frontal assault on the American economy, but no such luck; he's jacking up tariffs again, this time on billions of dollars worth of food and booze from our closest allies in the European Union. Look, when you're facing a tough re-election, the first thing you want to do is increase your constituents’ grocery bills and threaten their jobs, that's just Politics 101.

Jacob Wohl makes me wonder if we aren't all actually trapped in a Shakespeare play, where the author trots out a malevolent-but-ineffectual clown from time to time, just to give the audience a break from all the raw horror.** His latest scheme involved a young marine/bodybuilder, who he presented to the world as Elizabeth Warren's terrified former sex slave. The preceding sentence is...not one I ever in my wildest dreams imagined I would write.

The so-called “most powerful man in the world” got one of his precious tweets taken down because it violated the intellectual property rights of the most loathed band in the history of rock. Or music, generally. Or life on Earth. And probably before that, honestly. Anyway, I'm sure America is more respected than ever now that our chief executive got his ass beat by fucking Nickelback. You watch, Kim Jong-un's gonna get a Nickelback tattoo now. Next time Macron greets him, they're gonna do their silly little handshake ritual, and he'll go, “Ah, Donald, this is how you remind me of what I really am!”

While I try to be thorough in this blog, it is entirely possible I will miss an impeachable offense or two, because there are just so fucking many of them turning up these days. Evidence of a new impeachable crime by the Trump cabal is now the free prize inside every box of Fruity Pebbles.

A great deal has been made of the whistleblower complaint and the kinda-but-not-really “transcript,” and the crimes documented therein, but just for good measure, Tangerine Idi Amin impeached all over himself right in front of the cameras on the White House lawn, asking not only Ukraine, but China, to investigate his feared foe, the Bidenator. Efforts to disingenuously nitpick procedural details, or attack Adam Schiff personally, really fall apart when there's a second whistleblower inside your own fool mouth.

Now, Marco Rubio's latest lame is excuse is that his Turd Emperor was only kidding, which is obviously impossible since he's incapable of understanding any human emotional experience, least of all laughter, and anyway, it must be a running gag, like Hairplug Himmler is the wacky neighbor with the too-long necktie and weird balloon pants who's always stumbling around, betraying his country, maybe he could add a catchphrase, like, “oops I treasoned again!” or "well PARDON ME!" but anyway my point is the dumb fuck apparently brought the Bidens up in a call with China, and then buried that call on his little private server with all the other evidence of all the other crimes he's so desperate to conceal. Still waiting on Gowdy Doody and all those other information security hawks to apply the Hillary Clinton standard to this new server.

Kevin McCarthy put his foot down, and his foot made a sad, soft, squishy, noise, like a full diaper landing on a freshly-mopped tile floor, because he is a sorry excuse for a leader of anything, let alone an entire political party's House Caucus, still, he demanded that Nancy Pelosi immediately end her impeachment inquiry, on the grounds that it is riling up President Crotchrot and making him commit additional felonies, and Nancy, God love her, just straight fucking laughed in his weaselly little face, on official stationary and everything.

Fuck, y’all, even CHUCK TODD managed to fight through his instinctual impulse to claim “both parties are wiping their wrinkly old man asses all over Constitution” because it really is just the one party this time, isn't it? Folks, when Chuckles, the Roman God of Bothsidesism, uses words like “national nightmare", it's time to strap on the helmets and lifejackets.

Late Thursday night, House Democrats released a whole fuckload (or, if you're on the metric system, 31.72 fuckograms) of text messages given to them by Kurt “First Rat Off the Sinking Ship” Volker during his marathon testimony. The texts contain further evidence of the crimes Government Cheese Goebbels confesses to at every opportunity, and, in addition, establish quid pro quo, rocketing well past the standard Republicans had feebly set down a few short days ago. What's the take now, campers? “You can't call that quid pro quo! Swapping the Biden investigation for a meeting with Littlefinger? There's no 'quo!’ Who would want to meet with that sloppy douche? Cold hamburgers and irritating conversation, a state visit is practically punishment!”

Folks, this is the FIRST WITNESS.

So, Ron Johnson, current and reigning Dumbest U.S. Senator, probably thought he was helping the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor out, but instead he accidentally admitted to having evidence of the quid pro quo in withholding aid from Ukraine until they agreed to pay ball. Oh, and he concealed that evidence, so he's part of the cover-up, too, which he helpfully confessed to a reporter, with no real prompting. Wisco, you coulda had Russ Feingold in this job.

Wait, did I forget to mention that Rudy got his boss to fire the ambassador to Ukraine because she wouldn't play along with this international goofball thug conspiracy? I did, didn't I? That's a whole 'nother impeachable offense right there, and it almost slipped right past me. They're like greased pigs, dammit.

Mike Pants has received a request for docs from a trio of House committees. The Vice President has already expressed reticence about being alone in a room with a House committee, because it goes against his deeply-held religious belief that he and his co-conspirators should be above the law. With Mick Mulvaney, House Dems skipped straight to the subpoena stage. The leaves are changing color, and the season for fucking around is rapidly fading.

And now we learn that weeks ago, long before any of us plebs learned about this shit, the CIA's chief lawyer looked at the Ukraine call and said “oh this is 31 flavors of illegal, bring me my Criminal Referral stamp, Jeeves!” only to have the “Justice” Department go, “no thank you, we will not investigate this, because if we start looking into one of Fat Q*Bert's crimes, we'll have to do all of them, and really, who has the time?” Billy Barr's sitting on much criminal shit these days, when people walk into his office, they think he's a foot and half taller.

If you haven’t gone stark raving mad yet, allow me to polish you off: a woman representing a far-right group called LaRouche PAC infiltrated Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez's (public) town hall, in order to scream about eating babies for a little bit, on the theory that doing so would make AOC look bad, rather than making herself look like the kind of person who screams about eating babies. And before you even ask, of COURSE the President of the United States tweeted about it.

Looks like it's finally time for Brett Kavanaugh to pay the Republican Party back for rewarding his life of abuse and dishonesty with a perch of unaccountable power, because the Supreme Court is taking up their very first abortion rights case in the Post-Anthony Kennedy, Are We Absolutely SURE Women Are People? era. Shout out once again to all you third-party voters, you sure showed us.

Rick Perry is taking his smart guy glasses and going home, or maybe back on the televised dance competition circuit, honestly, who gives a fuck? Moving on...

What's this? Iranian hackers targeted Shart Garfunkel's re-election campaign? Gosh, that's a shame. Oh well, since foreign interference in our elections is totally okay, I guess there's really nothing we can do, right?

So now we get spend our days desperately watching a handful of GOP Senators for signs that they'll finally crawl out of the primordial ooze of the Trump Swamp and develop spines. There was promising movement in Camp Romney today, with Willard Whitebread finally showing evidence of perhaps as many as three vertebrae. Will Ben Sasse someday stand fully upright? Will Susan Collins express anything sharper than mild concern? Tune in next week for another exciting installment of the hit reality show “Keep the Republic or Nah?”

Jesus. This week couldn't get any batshittier if the president invited a Hitler apologist to the White House to spew extra-looney conspiracy theories for...wait.

Goddammit, even I'M struggling to find a bit of good news to end on tonight, but...oh hey, Rachel Maddow's gonna be on the new Batwoman show? Cool, that'll at least be a fun memory in the days to come, scrounging for canned goods and Twinkies in the ashes of the former United States.

Well, I think that's everything, so I'll just...nope, here's a brand new story documenting the circus horror of the Kompromat Kid's calls with world leaders. Wow, it never fucking stops, does it? Anyway, I'm gonna sign off for the GODDAMMIT THERE'S MORE? Yes, it looks like there may be a second whistleblower to corroborate all the Ukraine shit. Lord. Fuck it, I'm leaving no matter what else happens. I need to drink beer now. You're on your own. Stay safe.

*Jokes on you, Rudy! The White House doesn't have any credibility any more!

**Hope we're in a history, not a tragedy.

Read This Blog, or I Shall Declare Civil War Upon You (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Shit, as the poet once said, has gotten real. I feel like I need to triple my typing speed just to keep up with everything. The news is moving so fucking fast right now, I must ask your forgiveness in advance if I miss a story here and there, like maybe a small war or making first contact with Venusians.

(As always, this post can be found, with all them nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/read-this-blog-or-i-shall-declare-civil-war-upon-you/)

New impeachment headlines keep raining down on us, seemingly hourly, like a never-ending hailstorm of ball-peen hammers, so maybe you’ve already forgotten about Ron Wyden's report from the tail end of last week. You know, the one that said that in addition to being malevolent ghouls, thirsty for the blood of innocent children, the death merchants of the National Rifle Association also acted as a foreign asset for the Russian government during the 2016 election, peddling access to the powerful even as they diligently worked to hand-deliver AR-15s to every emotionally stunted incel in the country.

Upon being outed, Wayne LaPierre wasted no time whatsoever in teaming up with the nation's other prominent Russian tool, “allegedly” offering Hairplug Himmler the financial and political support of his Death Cult in return for facilitating the deaths of even more children, by walking away from the common sense gun control legislation demanded by massive, bipartisan majorities, because quid pro quo is the name of the game when you elect a gangster.

So, I know we're at the start of this giant partisan fight over impeachment, but you just want to ask Senate Republicans, off the record, “Hey, in light of unbridled insanity of the non-infamous Liddle’ Tweet, why are you fighting so hard to protect this obviously unwell criminal? This is the point when you take Granddad's driver's license away, not protect his access to the fucking nuclear codes. THE MAN DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A HYPHEN IS, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

On the other hand, it's pretty clear that Orange Julius Caesar's moral rot has spread throughout the entire Republican Party. The NRCC took a cheap shot, not at freshman Congressman Joe Cunningham, but at his wife, for publicly mentioning the couple is in marriage counseling, which is...I dunno, just shittiness for the sake of shittiness, really. Look, I get that you're mad, Cunningham's sitting in a seat y’all never imagined could flip, until you decided to primary Mark Sanford with the trumpiest lunatic this side of the port-a-potty at a QAnon convention, but if you think the problem is “we just weren't hateful enough in 2018,” well, I hope you jags like the paper towels in the House minority bathroom.

Journalism reared its ugly head once again, forcing Cousin-Fucking Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani (who fucked his own cousin), to cancel his planned, treasonerrific, vacation to participate in a Kremlin-backed event in Armenia, so he won't be able to hang out with his buddy Putin like he wanted to, HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, JOURNALISM.

Meanwhile, Vlad is getting a little edgy with all this whistleblowing and transcript-leaking, feebly asserting his non-existent privilege to veto the release of any phone call transcripts between him and his Personal Pet President. Yeah, those conversations are probably full of step-by-step journalist-murdering instructions and offers to give Alaska back in exchange for Elizabeth Warren's social media passwords, so Pooty-Poot's probably right to be nervous.

Now, the Bonespur Buttplug's 2017 Oval Office meeting with th’Russians has long since captured the prestigious Most Treasonous Thing to Ever Happen Inside the White House award*, on account of the whole leaking-highly-classified-intel/exposing-a-source thing, but it sounds like he really turned his betrayal of America up to 11, assuring his handlers, er, “the visiting diplomats” not to worry their pretty little heads about interfering in the 2016 election, because one man's act of war is another's Get Out of Jail Free card, after all. Anyhow, the next President should, at minimum, believe that attacks on the United States by hostile foreign powers are bad. That's just what I think.

Nevada's Mark Amodei became the first Republican Congressthing to back the House's impeachment inquiry (though he was quick to correct the record, insisting, no, he does not, as reported, actually possess a human spine), so that shit's bipartisan now. Tri-partisan, if you factor in Dickbag Ronin Justin Amash, who is, quite frankly, throwing some amusingly sharp elbows these days.

Tangerine Idi Amin remains the Michael Jordan of Losing in Court, and I have to say, of all his humiliating legal setbacks, and they are LEGION, this last one is my favorite, since it blocks his absolutely evil attempt to detain migrants, including children, indefinitely in his shitty little concentration camps. It's a little harder torture kids in America today, and I guess I'll take my victories where I can find ‘em.

Former US Special Envoy for Ukraine Kurt Volker has resigned in order to spend more time with the various House committees investigating All the President's Crimez. I wonder what he'll say...maybe I can ply Adam Schiff with wine coolers and compliments about his tasteful shoes.

The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor has said he will not be setting up a “war room” for the impeachment fight, because when have his instincts ever failed him except at least 32 different times every single day of his life? Me, if I had somehow managed to fail at the fucking casino business, I'd be looking for outside help whenever possible.

The big defense plan seems to be to claim the whole impeachment hullabaloo is based on “hearsay,” but that plan is complicated by the way the Shart House keeps confessing to everything, from the “look at all this crime we did” transcript to openly admitting to improperly hiding potentially embarrassing calls on a private server. I haven't read the whole whistleblower complaint, but none of the worst accusations are in dispute, so I'm confused as to what the "hearsay” is supposed to be about. Like, does the whistleblower claim Donnie Two-Scoops had a mustard stain on his tie while he was betraying his country when it was actually a ketchup stain? We're picking at nits here.

Anyway, the backup plan, already in motion, apparently revolves around shouting, “No really, what ABOUT her e-mails?” as Mike Pompeo's State Department has, I shit you not, actually resurrected the ol’ Hillary Clinton's Private Server and Also Probably Pizzagate, Why Not investigation, and yeah, I bet that chases all the big, bad, impeachment headlines away, campers. You're in the clear. War rooms are for CUCKS.

If that doesn't work, I suppose there's always the Only Other Thing Donnie Dotard Knows How to Do: inciting white supremacist violence. Proving his twitter rage isn't reserved solely for the noble hyphen, he targeted a number of Jewish and non-white Democratic Congressfolk, as “savages,” perhaps fearing that in all the news about his corruption, we'd forgotten about his despicable bigotry. That instinctive impulse to distract from his crimes by dehumanizing minorities is pretty fucking scary, like...the dude's default setting is Hitler. If you hit control-alt-delete on Trump, he'd go glassy-eyed for a minute and then just start reciting Mein Kampf.

Donald Trump is the patron saint of Subpar Thugs, and his followers keep on perpetrating acts of racist terror in his name. Take, for example, former New Jersey police chief Frank Nucera Jr., a white supremacist shitsack currently on trial for hiding behind a badge while committing hate crimes, who views Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot as “the last hope for white people.” First off, fuck you eternally, you racist pile of hamster shit. Second, as a white person, I'll look for hope in a crusty, half-eaten, can of Chef Boyardee ravioli before I ever look to your bloated tick overlord. In conclusion, eat shit, Frank. Enjoy prison.

Getting back to impeachment, if you turned on the Sunday Shoz to check out the grotesque gaggle of creepy dirtbag surrogates Team Treasonweasel fielded to defend Emperor Poosquirt, you could be forgiven for thinking you'd mistakenly stumbled into a lost Tim Burton Batman film. Rudy, Lindsey Graham, Gym Jordan, and even Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller? Yikes. This Campground Outhouse Rogues Galley snarled and spat and above all else lied, so much so that Jake Tapper, and even Fux's own Chris Wallace, had no choice but to call them out on their bullshit.

Personally, I thought the most effective communicator of the weekend was Robert De Niro.

We're less than a week into the impeachment inquiry, before the fucking pencils are even sharpened or the debates about who gets to pick the lunch delivery place first have begun, and the Candycorn Skidmark is already test-driving messaging about civil war. Me, I didn't think he'd call for massive outbreaks of violence until he lost in 2020, so it's nice to know there's still room to overestimate him. But I do want to go on the record as declaring my intent to dodge any draft he may institute in the name of Civil War II: Treasonous Taintfungus Boogaloo. I learned it from YOU, fuckhead.

Oh, and just for good measure, he's now threatening the whistleblower, and anybody else who might feel like snitchin’ to the feds, because impeachable offenses are like potato chips, betcha can't commit just one.

As you're trying to process this exponential increase in bat guano production, resulting from the complaint of a single whistleblower, remember that there’s already another whistleblower we may get to hear from soon, this one with information about Shart-O the Clown's taxes. I don't think it'd take more than five total whistleblowers, tops, to make him actually combust.

I see Jeff Flake wrote an adorable little op-ed in the Washington Post, calling on his former Republican colleagues to rediscover their “principles” and fight Trump and honestly Jeff, how am I supposed to maintain a satire website with a walking parody like you shambling around, calling for a degree of courage you yourself are constitutionally incapable of? It's unfair competition, that's what it is. The guy who heroically demanded an investigation into Brett Kavanaugh, only dissolve like a slug in a Morton factory when he was offered the flimsiest of shams instead? That was YOU, Jeff. Sit the fuck down.

New York Congresscrook/American Fascism Early Adopter Chris Collins remembered that he's actually totally guilty of all those crimes he's been charged with, and resigned his seat ahead of entering a guilty plea, GUESS IT WASN'T A WITCH HUNT AFTER ALL. Anyway, Congratulations Susan, you're now officially the Undisputed Shittiest Collins on Capitol Hill!

Across the pond, it looks as though the Boris Johnson Traveling Fuckup Show is building to a spectacular climax, adding accusations of groping a reporter, and even talk of being dismissed by the Queen to the walking monument to failure that is his life.

And now I see Rudy got what he's been asking for, and no, it's not the phone number of a woman he's related to, it's a big fat fucking subpoena from House Democrats. Hey, you picked the fight, genius. And the fun thing is, these assclowns can't stonewall Congress anymore, as Dems are threatening to use any refusal to cooperate as evidence for an obstruction of justice article in the inevitable impeachment trail, tee frickin’ hee.

Meanwhile, John Bolton and the Genocidal Mustache Attached to His Upper Lip have broken their silence, taking a sloppy dump all over their ex-boss’ North Korea policy, which would be headline news in saner times, but maybe we can squeeze you in next to today's Beetle Bailey, Johnboy, unless it's one with the dog. That dog's fuckin’ funny.

And it turns out Fat Q*Bert isn't just dabbling in pressuring foreign governments to interfere in American politics, he's on a bonafide Global Ratfucking Tour! Today we learned the depraved fuck has ALSO been pressuring the Prime Minister of Australia to help him dig up dirt on the origins of the Mueller investigation, like maybe it was the brainchild of a mob of deep state wallabies, or perhaps a wisdom of liberal wombats, or even a puddle of Clinton Foundation platypus, and can you guess what I've been googling? Anyway, this little gambit seems to have been Bronco Billy Barr's brainchild, in his ongoing quest to redact all legality and decency from the entire executive branch.

Actually, Barr has been quite the busy beaver, working the phones, and even traveling the world (at taxpayer expense, of course), looking for assistance for his efforts to (checks notes) assault and undermine America's law enforcement community for investigating the Russian attack on the 2016 election. At the risk of typing something that might just get me struck by lightning, I MISS JEFF SESSIONS.**

Oh, and I guess Mike Pompeo was actually on that one harmless little prank call where Weehands McNodick asked Ukraine “Hey, is your refrigerator running? Well you better go catch it and also make up some dirt on Joe Biden or I'll cut your fucking aid off.” Weird that the little wannabe-theocrat hadn't mentioned that on his own, and in fact lied when directly confronted. Y'know, I'm starting to think our Secretary of State isn't the devout Christian he loudly professes himself to be, but rather the cheapest imaginable thug, positively horny to destroy American democracy in order to rule in the ruins that follow.

The good news is, in spite of Democrats’ trademark hand-wringing, impeachment polls are shifting rapidly in our favor, and again, we haven't even served the fucking soup course yet. Gonna be a fuckin’ ride, folks.

Ok, I really need to move on to other important work*** now, but the damn news won't quit breaking, and now Squeezably-Soft Telefascist Seb Gorka is hitching a ride to Europe with Mike Pompeo, and I just need to get away from this shit for a bit. You're on your own for the rest of the night, Resisters...stay safe!

*It’s not a Nobel, but stick to your strengths, says I.

**Of course I don't actually miss Jeff Sessions. Jeff Sessions is racist trash. I'm not actually a superhero, either. So much dishonesty. OH MY GOD WHAT IF I'M SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS?

***Drinking

Slow News Day, Almost Didn't Blog. I Guess We Could Talk About This "Impeachment" Thing. (Ferret)

I was thinking, instead of a blog tonight, maybe I could just stand in the middle of the street and scream "what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” at the top of my lungs until I pass out. No? Well, since you're already here, I suppose I may as well document the madness, such is my charge and my curse.

(And yes, if you want the post with all the nifty news links, it's a click away at: http://showercapblog.com/slow-news-day-almost-didnt-blog-i-guess-we-could-talk-about-this-impeachment-thing-if-youre-bored/)

Since we last spoke, my favorite new band, Nancy P and the Swing District Freshmen, finally announced their highly-anticipated Impeachment Inquiry Tour, and I will be camping out on the fucking sidewalk in order to procure front-row tickets. We'll get to that soon enough; let's plow through the opening acts real quick.

It's been suggested that the sole function of the Republican Party in 2019 is shielding the Trump crime family from accountability, but I just don't think that's fair; they're also really quite passionate about belching up the vilest imaginable hate at this climate activist child. Watching some of these maniacs froth and screech, you'd think young Greta Thunberg's message was “mandatory left arm amputations for everyone!” rather than “hey, science is real please address climate change.” Oddly enough, few of the voices calling for Greta's head on a pike expressed the slightest concern about the government opening concentration camps on American soil and then filling them with terrified, maltreated, children.

The Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits gave a rambling, distracted, creepy, low-energy, speech at the United Nations, and if this is his mental state at the start of the impeachment battle, I give it three weeks before he staggers out of the residence, wearing nothing but an overlong necktie, demanding that Jim Acosta be brought before him to be roasted on an open fire.

I'm living vicariously through British politics, as Boris Johnson's authoritarian losing streak rolls on. The Supreme Court told him precisely where to stick his attempt to shove Parliament under the bed until the Brexit deadline*, and honestly, has this doofus had one single success since assuming office? You picture him walking into the kitchen, having announced the intention to make himself a ham sandwich, only to emerge, ten hours later, covered in mosquito bites and raw sewage, without having even managed to get the refrigerator door open. Anyway, his own sister's shitting on him now, too, so everything’s coming up Boris, I guess.

So yeah, House Dems decided it was finally time to launch that impeachment investigation, because a motherfucker isn't gonna impeach himself. Well, actually, this one's so fuckin’ dumb he just might, but we can probably expedite the process with hearings.

Tangerine Idi Amin helpfully pitched in, releasing a memo allegedly summarizing his phone call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, but despite some generous editing, he somehow forgot to take out the part where he commits a very large crime, soliciting dirt on Smilin’ Joe Biden (and his less-smiley son) from a foreign government. It's a bit like starting a game of Clue by telling the players “It was Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the framed fake Time Magazine cover,” but that's none of my business, I'm sure.

Not a single pair of pants in Trumpworld remained un-pissed-in that day, because total confessions tend to complicate legal defenses, or so I'm told. William Barr is frantically trying to redact the door to his office so nobody can find him. Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo are playing a special Under the Bus version of musical chairs, and in a perfect world, they'll both lose. Totally unbidden, Fat Q*Bert himself offered to throw Mike Pants to any wolves who might have developed a taste for brainless theocrat. The loyalty is genuinely inspirational.

Speaking of Giuliani, America's least favorite cousin-fucker is...not taking the week's news particularly well, screeching at every passing reporter and stray cat that he deserves to be hailed as a hero for his noble work spreading long-ago debunked conspiracy theories on behalf of a lawless wannabe dictator. Yeah, Rudes, I don't think Nick Fury's gonna be showing up with an invite any time soon. (Especially now that you seem to be dropping further evidence of your crimes on Twitter, you fucking moron.)

Now, the impeachment battle is gonna be one helluva fight, especially with a such a savvy foe; the Shart House was, in fact, so proud of the talking points they cooked up that they helpfully e-mailed them to Democratic House members. Don't worry though, they quickly sent a follow-up e-mail asking Dems to please not read the talking points and certainly don't share them so everybody can laugh at our blistering incompetence. That second e-mail doesn't seem to have gone through.

(Somehow, despite the circulation of said talking points to every corner of Al Gore's information superhighway, the propaganda puppets on Fux Nooz still feigned great indignation upon being called out for what was, in fairness, truly professional-grade parroting.)

Hilariously, Shart Garfunkel and his GOP stooges are trying to pull some silly “Alas! And we were just about to pass sweeping bipartisan gun control legislation, ‘ere our dastardly Democrat colleagues poisoned the well with their cruel, wanton, law enforcement!” shit. Yeah, I bet that totally works, kids. I bet Gabby Giffords and the whole Moms Demand Action crew are standing in line to get their MAGA caps right now.

And just to really show off those problem-solving skillz, Team Treasonweasel is allegedly looking into hiring Corey Lewandowski to help with the impeachment battle. I wasn't around for Nixon, does the defendant need a lot of female journalists assaulted in order to prevail?

Anyway, after a full day of treating Donald Trump like the world's ugliest piñata over just the transcript, we got to see the whistleblower's complaint, and thus President Crotchrot's Shittiest Week Ever got even worse, and I laughed so fucking hard that I rattled every bone in my body into powder; I'm just a lump of fleshy goo now, fuck knows how I'm even typing this.

The complaint is extra-damning-with-whipped-cream-and-chopped-nuts because it matches up with Weehands McNodick’s own transcript damn near perfectly, blowing a big fat fucking hole in the GOP plot to spin it as mere "hearsay,” essentially nothing but the bitchy gossip of a disgruntled deep state rat. Again, it's a whodunnit that tells you whodunnit on the fucking cover of the book.

Oh, and we also learned that President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster has been hiding his communications with Ukraine, and God only knows what else, on a Super Secret Special Server, and now I'm waiting for Trey Gowdy to call a press conference announcing he's joining the Democratic Party before personally breaking into the West Wing to seize that bad boy in the name of national security.

Now, it's probably too soon to judge, but I have to say, I was quite impressed with the pilot episode of The Impeachment Show. Adam Schiff is a compelling lead, and his “the rule of law should matter” argument, while controversial (it seems), intrigues me. Today's hearing with acting DNI Joseph Maguire left every fan in Washington covered in poo, and we're just getting warmed up.

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, who desperately wants to block for his Turd Emperor, but isn't very good at it, on account of being dumber than pudding cup, suggested that what Democrats were really after wasn't the truth, but rather nude photos of Donnie Two-Scoops. Now, this was a deceptively shrewd move, betting that by putting such an utterly revolting image in viewers’ minds, millions of Americans would instantly change the channel, and thus wouldn't hear about all the crimez and cover-ups and whatnot.

Now, the Velveeta Vulgarian is facing this existential threat to his crime spree, er, “presidency” with all the grace and dignity we've come to expect of him, suggesting to a crowd at a private event for the United States Mission to the United Nations that the whistleblower and his sources were essentially spies, and thus can join Joe Biden in the line for the electric chair. Now, on one hand, this adds a few counts (witness tampering, anyone?) to the impeachment buffet (and no “hearsay” here, there are tapes, lordy), but on the other this is THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES CALLING FOR THE MURDER OF THOSE WHO REVEAL HIS CRIMES and honestly, forget the stooges like Lindsey Graham and the loons like Jim Jordan, you just want to ask, say, Lamar Alexander or Roy Blunt, “Hey, bro, you thinking about maybe drawing a line before he orders his hate mob to start assassinating people?”

(Side note: gosh it's just SO hard to believe this execution-happy thug would threaten to withhold aid from a foreign country if he didn't get his trick or treat bag filled with cold cheeseburgers and kompromat, isn't it?)

Anyway, no sooner had Government Cheese Goebbels announced his desire to kill his way out of this whole “impeachment” kerfuffle, than the New York Times helpfully popped up to publish a Pocket Guide to Everything We Know About the Whistleblower, possibly enough to help the dolt squad in the White House figure out his identity. Between the presidential death threats and the near-instantaneous doxxing, you really wonder why more folks haven't come forward.

And you know what's REALLY amazing? Wilbur Ross is sleeping through all this shit. Somebody give the ol’ fellah a nudge, he may have died.

Shit, Cap, what's the good news in the midst of this shitstorm? The good news, my dear friends, is that in November of last year, all our hard work paid off, and we flipped the House. If we hadn't, not only wouldn't these hearings be taking place, we'd almost certainly never have heard about this whistleblower in the first place; they'd have buried the complaint, and Diamond Joe would probably have been extradited to Kiev for a show trial by now. These stretches between voting opportunities are long as fuck, but we're making the most of ‘em, aren't we?

I almost hate to bring you back down after all the inspirational shit in that last paragraph, but it is my solemn duty to deliver unto you this super-sad article about the chaos and infighting tearing apart Fux Nooz in this, the Age of Impeachment. Trigger warning: fuckhead-on-fuckhead violence.

Ok, that's a wrap for now. At the rate things're moving, this news'll probably be stale and forgotten by the time you read it, but if I don't start drinking now, the beer'll go bad. See you soon, Resisters!

P.S. - Congrats, Shart-Shart! You made the cover of Time!

*Up his ass, is the joke. Or “arse,” I suppose.

Instead of Godot, We're Waiting for Decent Republicans Who'll Put Country Before Party (Ferret/SC)

Man, Amtrak is phasing out the dining car! I love long train trips, and a solid 60% of the craziest conversations I've ever had have come in those charming-if-forced social interactions. The end of an era. Lucky for me, the news contains more than enough abject insanity to fill the void. Let's dive in, shall we?

(As always, you can find this post, with all them helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/instead-of-godot-were-waiting-for-decent-republicans-wholl-put-country-before-party-with-similar-results/)

Vice President Mike Pants made history (as usual, the bad kind), bludgeoning his way through Mackinac Island, Michigan, in an eight-vehicle motorcade, despite a century-old ban on cars, because the current administration never misses an opportunity to demonstrate their sneering disdain for their constituents. Anyway, if you want to take a big fat dump in the middle of a must-win swing state's breakfast cereal, I say go right ahead, Hairshirt Mike.

Checking in on the information superhighway, the latest viral trend is videos of people climbing Hairplug Himmler's Big Stupid Wall with the greatest of ease! Fucking hell, have you ever seen anything that encapsulates Trump and Trumpism more perfectly? Flagrantly racist, unwanted and unnecessary, paid for via an unconstitutional power grab that fucks over people all over the country...and it doesn't even fucking WORK. It's a wall. It has ONE JOB.

I guess all you snowflakes are still mad about the whole “blackmailing a foreign nation to fabricate dirt on a political opponent” thing, huh? And the bit where Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot and his craven enablers pivoted to attacking the whistleblower who revealed his treasonous conduct as a partisan deep state hack, without a moment's hesitation or a shred of evidence, got under your skin, too? Aw, are you TRIGGERED by treason? Would you like a SAFE SPACE from the lawless wannabe tyrant burning the whole fucking country down in order to stay out of jail?

Yeah, me too. When I'm triggered, I like to funnel my energy into defeating the cowardly, complicit, Republican Party wherever it rears its shitty little head, don't you? Anyway, back to the crimez...

Y'know, Rex Tillerson was mightily shitty as Secretary of State, and undoing the damage he did at Foggy Bottom will take years, but my God, give me a hundred Tillersons over one Mike Pompeo, coldly parroting his Turd Emperor's brazen lies on live teevee. Gotta admit, this shit sends a chill down my spine; you watch the Pompeo interview, you see a guy shamelessly breaking the law without an ounce of fear of eventual consequences, because he's grown comfortable with an image of himself as Deputy Führer in a theocratic American Reich that will reign for ten thousand years, and I'll live to see your head on a pike, pompous journalist scum.

Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag got in on the gaslighting fun, too, denouncing the dastardly-though-imaginary crimes of Hunter Biden, only to vanish in a puff of logic when Jake Tapper pointed out the entire Grift Family Robinshart is traveling the world, at taxpayer expense, stuffing their filthy little pockets with anything that's not nailed down. Starting to understand why Stevie Boy doesn't get dispatched to th’shows more frequently.

Willard Romney issued a statement, consisting of the weakest imaginable sauce, filtered through whitest slice of bread on the fucking planet, and debate ensued as to whether or not statues should be erected in his honor for this flimsiest of gestures, because we've come to a point in American history where we have higher expectations for a spontaneous unicorn stampede in downtown Detroit than for elected Republicans to stand up for the rule of law. Meanwhile, folks keep pointing out the way Ben Sasse's once-loudly-professed principles have vanished like a wad of cotton candy that's been dropped in a puddle. Anyway, I'm glad to belong to the one party that still values patriotism.

So now I guess we get to wait for Bronco Billy Barr to release his hand-doctored version of the Ukraine call transcript. I wouldn't worry about it; after all, he was so fair and thorough in his representation of the Mueller report. The real action, as smarter folks than yer humble blogger have pointed out, is the whistleblower's complaint, which I assume is being launched into the sun as we speak, alongside Sharty McFly's tax returns.

Replacement Sarah Slanders/Not Our Real Mom Stephanie Grisham says she won't be bringing back daily press briefings any time soon, because accountability is for CUCKS, and also because doing the job we the people pay her to do might cut into her drinking and driving time.

The Alaska GOP jumped on the Fuck Voters and Fuck Voting Fuck Them Both So Very Very Hard bandwagon, canceling their 2020 primary to spare Baron Golfin von Fatfuk the trouble of making his case to the people he's been failing so spectacularly and regularly. Hey, when a political party repeatedly demonstrates its eagerness to do away with all that pesky democracy, that seems to me like the sort of thing that might merit a bit more fucking attention than it's getting.

Dinesh D'Souza, like so many right-wing grifters, relies on generating attention-getting outrage in order to snatch up his share of that sweet, sweet, rube money, and so he decided to call Greta Thunberg, who, in leading a movement that turned out millions of marchers a few days ago, has accomplished more in 16 years than Dinesh has in his entire misspent life (and with significantly fewer felony convictions), a Nazi. I guess it must be liberating, in a way, to be so divorced from shame and morality that you can casually demonize children, but on balance I prefer not being a raging shitsack.

It's not just foreign countries, desperate for U.S. aid, who've been conscripted, against their will, into the Committee to Re-Elect the Scrotal Tumor, it's you and me, the American taxpayer*! Twenty-eight billion dollars worth of bribes to farmers to please please please vote for him again even though he's hand-delivered your markets, gift-wrapped with a goddamned bow on top, to your competitors...and like everything he touches with his tiny, inadequate, little hands, it's not even fucking working.

Yet another shitty white boy would-be mass-murderer, this time a U.S. solider, was arrested for threatening to bomb a major news network, because while the trade deals aren't materializing and the manufacturing jobs keep on disappearing, the stochastic terrorism is working out quite nicely.

Y’all know Judd Legum, yes? He writes a great independent newsletter called Popular Information and today, he more or less single-handedly took down a gigantic pro-Trump Ukrainian troll farm that had amassed a genuinely terrifying reach on Facebook. Sunshine truly is the best disinfectant, and we should celebrate this significant victory in the War for Reality, probably by supporting Legum's work.

And the Velveeta Vulgarian swung by the United Nations Climate Action Summit just long enough to drop a few overdone steak farts in the room, before wandering out to threaten one of his leading political rivals with capital punishment. The election's more than a year away, and we've already progressed from “Lock her up” to “Fry, Joe, fry?” Is there enough beer in the whole godforsaken world to get me through 2020?

And when he's not lost in erotic fantasies of electrocuting Joe Biden, the Marmalade Shartcannon is off doing what he does best; whining like a rich kid who didn't get the Happy Meal toy he wanted. The Nobel Prize people are soooooo unfair to him, y’see, cuz even if he has yet to accomplish half an inch's worth of actual progress with North Korea, or the Taliban, or Israel, he should get credit for all the praise he's lavished upon himself, which more important than dumb ol’ peace anyway, right?

Old man, you've opened concentration camps where you deny children access to health care and basic hygiene; the Nobel thing is off the table. You'll just have to console yourself with the millions of dollars you've stolen from us taxpayers, 'kay?

Is any of this still funny? Some days I feel like I'm going HA HA THE BASTARDS WHO ARE SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROYING DEMOCRACY ARE POOPYHEADS HA HA. Anyway, it's a bit shorter than usual tonight, probably because everybody's focused on whether the Dotard finally betrayed America too hard this time. I'm choosing to view it as a blessing, I'll be using the extra time to re-read King Lear**.

PS - While I've been workin' up this piece, an avalanche of new Dem Congressfolk, including vulnerable swing district freshmen, have joined the calls to Impeach the Motherfucker already, and I think it's gonna happen. Put on your fightin' shoes, Resisters, they will need our help.

*No disrespect meant to my international readers, also can I sleep on your couch when the Second Civil War starts?

**Or drink and play MarioKart, whichever one lets me drink and play MarioKart.

Has Congress' Discovery of Your Impeachable Crimes Got You Down? Shriek Your Cares Away with Rudy!

I no longer miss 2016, when the government was kinda functional and democracy was relatively healthy; I'm increasingly nostalgic for the comparatively mild insanity of 2017, when Strawberry Shartcake still had a handful of adult babysitters, restraining his worst impulses. Can't we bring back Mattis or McMaster, maybe with one of those toddler leashes?

(And yes, as usual, this post is available, with helpful news links, AT: http://showercapblog.com/rudy-giuliani-rantercise/)

Caesar Salad Cosplayer Sean Spicer tried blaming a poor score on the first episode of Dancing With the Stars on religious persecution, because while a Shart House gig is temporary, the whinging victimhood complex is 4 LYFE. By the way, If there's a heaven, there won't be any Trump Administration officials there, Sean. The works you have done on Earth have been evil, you have betrayed your country, your religion, and humanity in general. And that was before your crimes against dance; you're beyond lost now.

Speaking of whining, the Pentagon is complaining about all the suddenly underfunded projects abandoned in the frenzy to finance the Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants. Sorry, campers, you should've stood up to Government Cheese Goebbels’ unconstitutional power grab when you had the chance; if the President can dodge the congressional appropriations process by raiding the military budget whenever he feels like it, knowing the coffers will simply be refilled at the earliest opportunity, we don't have a republic anymore, we have a dictatorship. Y’all are supposed to FIGHT for your country; I believe there was even an oath.

Not that a silly little thing like an oath means much, to, say, a sneering mediocrity like Corey Lewandowski, who used a hearing before the House Judiciary Committee to launch a potential Senate campaign, apparently on an “owning the libs” platform. And I get that; when you're a post-accomplishments party with nothing but unpopular policy proposals, irritating the other team is really all you have to offer. But even the trolling fun stopped when counsel Barry Berke took over questioning and nailed Corey's hopelessly subpar ass to the wall. And there may even be contempt charges coming, how fun!

I was on a nice little run of functional transitions there, but that's all over now. Anyway, we keep learning more about just how much taxpayer money the Air Force has been funneling into the Grifter Grand Wizard's pockets via financing sleepovers at his floundering Scottish golf resort; it looks like they, and by they of course I mean WE, because it is OUR FUCKING MONEY, may have been his best damn customer lately. Do we at least get a free toaster oven out of that? If so, I'm calling dibs on that shit.

And the Party of Family Values just keeps on churnin’ out pedophiles, this time in the Pennsylvania Senate. Regrettably, Mike Folmer resigned before Shart Garfunkel could swing by to hold a rally for him.

24 state attorneys general are suing the Taintfungus Administration over their petulant insistence on punishing all life on Earth out of spite at California, via eliminating the fifth largest economy in the world's right to set their own auto emissions standards. I hope the inevitable Waterworld remake (which may wind up being a goddamn documentary) mentions how much responsibility lies with a single tantruming manchild.

While strangling the environment with one (tiny, inadequate) hand, with the other, Tangerine Idi Amin is cynically manipulating an EPA rule to punish San Francisco, tossing around horseshit accusations that the homeless there are filling the ocean with needles or some such drivel. It's a little weird, having a government that's always looking for loopholes in order to find new ways to shit on Americans, but at least we didn't elect that e-mail lady.

There's so much reprehensible crap going on, I can't even keep track of what's happening with Iran. Having set the whole fucking process back several turns, without passing Go or collecting $200, by backing out of Obama's carefully negotiated arrangement, the Shart of the Deal imposed new sanctions, in a bid to make up some of the ground he cleverly gave up in exchange for nothing, but I don't think we're at war yet, right? (Somebody in the comments is gonna go, "Cap, are you okay? We've been at war with Iran for nine months. Your cat was drafted,” and I'll go “Right! I should send her a care package!”)

Domestically, the Hairplug That Ate Decency diligently continues his efforts to get Congresswoman Ilhan Omar killed, tweeting out a fake video claiming she danced with glee on 9/11. Aside from being absolutely fucking awful, this accusation just isn't remotely credible. Who would be that crass? It'd be like bragging about having the tallest building in Manhattan while the rubble was still smoking, and nobody's that...wait.

We could use a little comic relief right about now, huh? How about we all sit down, crack a beer, and take a moment to watch the Handsomest Senator, New Mexico's Martin Heinrich, humiliate ridiculous, lying, gun nut John Lott over his history of using fake internet profiles to post fawning comments on his own articles?

Once you're done gut-laughing, spare a shudder for the realization that one of America's two great political parties has descended into such intellectual squalor that they could think of no more fitting witness for a congressional hearing than a sad little clown who spends his days complimenting himself on the internet. And if you're all, “be fair, Cap, it's not that bad,” allow me to point you to Exhibit B: Candace Owens’ (yes, the Hitler Lady) stupefyingly moronic musings at another congressional hearing, on white supremacy, which she says is no biggie, what's a little mass-murder here and there among friends?

Former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson re-emerged to tell everybody that Benjamin Netanyahu was really good at manipulating Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops with misinformation, and, like, DUH. If a gibbering, inbred, twit like Kim Jong-un can make him jump through hoops, just IMAGINE what a pro like Netanyahu (or that one fellah, Vlad something?) could do. Fuck, if you painted a door with “teen beauty pageant dressing room” on it on a brick wall, he'd keep running into it until he knocked himself out.

In other Netanyahu news, looks like Bibi lost his election, HA FUCKING HA. None of y’all authoritarian dirtbags should get too comfortable; like any other fad, the world is moving on, hopefully before we spend all our allowance money on slap bracelets and concentration camps.

I guess Stephen Miller has a girlfriend now, and I'm trying to imagine the inner life of the person would look at Eichmann, But Meaner and Less Attractive and think “mmmm, I want me some of that!” Meryl fucking Streep couldn't figure that role out.

For a guy who likes to decorate with paintings of himself hanging out with Jesus, Ben Carson sure is an utterly immoral jagoff. I guess the mega-genius who thinks the pyramids were built to store grain thinks it's super funny to mock transgender people, and let me just say I am definitely not watching whatever reality show this hateful jackass eventually lands on.

Hey, speaking of the unbridled hate of the current administration, Betsy DeVos’ Department of Education is threatening to cut off funding to Duke and UNC unless they turn their Middle East studies program over to Frank Gaffney and Pam Geller, chastising the schools for focusing on “the positive aspects of Islam.” Look, all this controversy could be avoided if the government would simply issue clear guidelines on precisely how much bigotry these grants require; like, do you have to wear Klan robes in the classroom, or would a little swastika pin on the collar be sufficient?

Anyway, that wraps up the week's news. Unless you want me to hit this “whisteblower” thing real quick? It's pretty dull, honestly, just “high crimes and misdemeanors” stuff. Oh, fine.

See there was this whistleblower, and he* blew his whistle, because If You See Something, Say Something, and he fuckin’ SAW SOMETHING. And the law says such whistleblower complaints must be turned over to the U.S. Congress, but if the criminal cabal squatting in our executive branch is willing to violate the emoluments clause of Constitution for the sake of some petty bribes at tacky hotels, they sure as fuck aren't going to turn over evidence of impeachment-worthy felonies, and so Redactor General Billy Barr stuffed the complaint down the front of his pants, and dared Congress to come and get it. Adam Schiff, a braver man than I, fuckin’ went for it, and in doing so alerted the world to the thrilling new season of Donald Trump Obstructs Justice.

Details of the complaint trickled out one by one, like a terrifyingly-high-stakes game of twenty questions. The complaint involves the Marmalade Shartcannon himself. The complaint covers multiple incidents. The complaint involves a mysterious “promise” made to a foreign leader. The complaint is bigger than a breadbox.

You knew shit was serious when Rudy Giuliani felt the need to take a break from jerking off to old photos of his own kin to try peddling his bullshit spin on CNN. Now I'm not qualified to give legal advice**, but I think when your personal lawyer is shrieking like a community theatre actor auditioning for Titus Andronicus and confessing to major crimes, live on TV, things aren't exactly going your way.

And then the dam burst, and we learned that it was what we all knew it was all along; the President of the United States, a cornered animal, desperate to cling to the legal immunity granted by his office, but terrified to face an electorate that loathes him because he's a 300-pound bag of rhino shit who absolutely sucks at his job, repeatedly tried to blackmail the government of Ukraine into opening a bogus investigation into Joe Biden, the affable septuagenarian who has led him in literally every poll ever conducted on the subject.

It's an enormous crime, and honestly, I just hope we can win our country back before the Offal in the Oval rots it into nothingness.

How, in the midst of today's so-many-impeachable-offenses-I've-lost-fucking-count shitstorm can I find even a glimmer of positive news to leave my readers with a hopeful smile? Friends, it's not even hard. Did you see the turnout at the global climate strike marches? Millions of people, all around the world, led by the whippersnapper demographic. The future looks downright fuckin’ bright, and the present? Well, there's some welcome-if-morbid demographic data on that front as well...

Holy fuck, y’all. I think we've earned our weekend. And by “weekend,” I mean “beer.” And by “beer,” I mean “thirty beers.”

PS - We're sending troops to Saudi Arabia now, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

*Or she, but the Scumfuck-in-Chief is already saying “he,” though I'm sure he's followed all the laws forbidding him to view the complaint, wink wink.

** Why would you want legal advice from a drunken lunatic in a mask and a bathrobe? Just google "lawyers near me." Christ.

The One With Brett Kavanaugh's Junk (Ferret/Shower Cap)

So, I enjoyed a much-needed weekend away from the headlines, partaking of good music and good company at this year's Riot Fest. Regrettably, I did not take any drugs while I was there, so I'm forced to conclude all this news I'm catching up on today is tragically real, rather than just the shittiest trip ever. Fuck.

(And you know this, but you can find this blog, with all those helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/the-one-with-brett-kavanaughs-junk/)

We've all watched Beto O'Rourke emerge as a defiant voice for gun control these last few weeks, (I guess a white supremacist terror attack in your beloved hometown gets under your skin) and naturally the gun nut crowd is displeased. So displeased in fact, that some swollen buttpimple by the name of Briscoe Cain, who, despite a few readily-apparent personality disorders, has become a member of the Texas House of Representatives, threatened to murder him on Twitter. I dunno, if I was arguing to keep assault weapons legal, I would probably avoid making public death threats, but then, I suppose I would also be as malicious, stupid, and crazy as Briscoe Cain.

Deep State Judicial Wizards have resurrected a previously-dismissed emoluments clause lawsuit against the Marmalade Shartcannon, raising hopes that the rule of law might still be a thing. Remember back when “hey, the presidency isn't an invitation to leave a bribe jar on the edge of the Resolute desk, asshole” was a bipartisan position?

Because we live in hell, our Dolt President is justifying his war on energy-efficient light bulbs by complaining that they make him look orange. Setting aside the catastrophic price all life on Earth is being asked to pay to feed a petty narcissist’s vanity, let me just point out that it isn't the lighting that makes him look like a saggy, dead-eyed, mound of bacon grease with the pissed-in straw from the bottom of a rabbit cage on top, either.

Princess Ivanka told a roomful of megarich GOP donor jagoffs she got her moral compass from her father, which likely means he initially grabbed it out of some other woman's pussy, possibly even while Ivanka's mom was pregnant with her, and gave it to her as an Xmas gift. Anyway, that's not a compass, that's a plunger that's been used so much it's falling to pieces.

One of the cool things about Fux Nooz (if you're absolutely fucking awful, anyway) is that you can go on and say “Hey, remember all the super-racist shit that one terrorist mass-murderer said to justify his racist terrorist mass-murder? I think he was super-right about that stuff!” Job-Outsourcing Hitler Youth Tomi Lahren certainly took advantage of that opportunity, ranting about the need for all patriotic (white) Americans to keep small arsenals in order to shoot immigrants, and I'm sure it brings a smile to the El Paso terrorist's face, seeing his beliefs parroted from such a potent platform.

But it's not all waffles and stochastic terrorism over at Shart Garfunkel's personal propaganda outlet, as a federal appeals court reinstated Seth Rich's parents’ lawsuit, which will hopefully deter the right-wing shitbagosphere from further terrorizing grieving families with nutjob conspiracy theories designed to keep their rube audience in a state of perpetual frenzy. Looking at YOU, Alex Jones.

The parasitic Sackler family is using every arcane trick they can find to shuffle their money around in order to maintain the lavish lifestyle they've built for themselves atop an almost inconceivably high stack of American corpses. Whether they're transferring hundreds of millions to shady Swiss bank accounts or trying to minimize damages by having their opioid-dispensing murder machine, Purdue Pharma, file for bankruptcy, these tar-souled demons are just looking for a little discount on their long-overdue accountability, is that really any different than clipping the Sunday coupons?

An intelligence community whistleblower filed a complaint last month, but the DNI insists on hiding it from the American people and Congress, because look, Donald Trump is having a hard enough time making the case for re-election just with the crimes we already know about. Similarly, Bronco Billy Barr says the House Judiciary Committee can't see can't see the grand jury files from the Mueller investigation because of whatever bullshit Calvinball rules he pulled out of his ass this time, because fuck you, we're just running out the clock, whaddya gonna do about it, Nadler?

The Nazism is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE at the Department of Homeland Security, where some mystery fuckhead apparently felt comfortable tagging the joint with a swastika. DHS. I guess I was hoping the first fascist graffiti in the executive branch would pop up somewhere comparatively less horrifying, like maybe on the outside of Scott Pruitt's old soundproof wank booth, but I suppose I really ought to be used to disappointment (and atrocity) by now.

So I guess I have to talk about Brett Kavanaugh's penis now. We keep learning terrible new things about this penis. Things that are as far from "harmless fun" as they could possibly be, whatever the New York Times says. It is a penis with a history of being shoved into the hands and faces of women who did not want Brett Kavanaugh's penis shoved anywhere near them. It is a penis whose nefarious activities Brett Kavanaugh seems to have lied about, repeatedly, under oath, during his Senate confirmation hearings, which is a crime, and probably grounds for impeachment. It is a very bad penis indeed.

The Republican response to these new, credible, corroborated, allegations that absolutely fit a well-established pattern has been righteous indignation on behalf of the victims. Wait, that's not quite right; I mean “righteous indignation on behalf of the abuser.” The GOP wants us to know the real (or “only" victim here is the lying, drunken creep who has only ever wanted to use his position of privilege and power to make life shittier for all the little people.

Ted Cruz, taking a page from his Turd Emperor's playbook, assaulted the media for conducting the investigation he and his stooge colleagues were so desperate to avoid. Lindsey Graham, still perplexed at women voters’ jarring shift away from his party in 2018, certainly isn't going to let the “scurrilous accusations” of a common whore force him to do anything silly like “uphold the law.” And we can now add what I'll call the “Shapiro Standard” to the lexicon, thanks to Creeptastic Manboy Ben Shapiro's skeevy insistence that no sexual assault accusation is credible if the victim can't carve a perfect facsimile of the attacker's genitals from a block of marble.

Yeah, Kavanaughty is such a fundamentally dishonest person, you wouldn't trust him with manager's keys at a 7-11, but Republicans think it's appalling to suggest he shouldn't remain one of the most powerful human beings in the world. And Redactor General William Barr, looking to rub salt in America's wounds, actually gave the team who shepherded the scummy little dirtbag's confirmation through the Senate in spite of his crimes a prestigious award, usually reserved for badasss prosecutors who fuck up terrorists or organized crime rings, because turning the greatest democratic experiment in human history into a festering pile of rhino shit is the Republican Party's motherfucking mission statement.

Following a drone attack on an oil processing facility in Saudi Arabia, the Offal in the Oval took to the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine to proclaim, “Fear not, America, I am dutifully perched by the phone, awaiting instructions from my foreign paymasters,” further vowing to blindly accept the findings of the same murderous thugs who concluded Jamal Khashoggi ran into a doorknob and dismembered himself. Obviously, when he says “America first,” that wasn't meant to cover the military chain of command, which, according the Constitution, ends in Riyadh.

(Starting a new Middle East war ten minutes after defenestrating John Bolton seems tauntingly cruel, like buying a child the pony they've always wanted, only to cook it and eat it right in front of them.)

One of the signs of Hairplug Himmler's rapid mental decline is the increased sloppiness of the gaslighting. In attacking the dastardly fake news media for reporting that he would merrily meet with Iran with nary a pre-condition, the Dotard seems to have forgotten about all of the times he said he would do just that, with own little sphincter of a mouth. In front of cameras. Or all the times he marched one of his toadies out to say so. Again, in front of cameras. Look, if you want to destroy the very idea of objective reality, put the fucking work in, you lazy lump.

Manhattan prosecutors have subpoenaed 8 years’ worth of Fat Q*Bert's tax returns, and they've even ordered his lawyers to clean all the grubby, oddly-small, burger grease fingerprints off of ‘em before delivery. Anyway, we're probably less than a week away from Old Shartful ordering the entire U.S. Army to protect his most desperately-guarded criminal secrets from the long arm of the law.

Milo Yagotnoplatformnomo has officially been evicted from a furry convention, continuing the most hilarious and well-deserved downward spiral in human history. I sincerely hope this Scumbag Humiliation show gets renewed for several more seasons.

And just like that, all the pleasant feelings from my riotous weekend have been washed away in a flood of news sewage. Sigh. It's vital to renew the soul from time to time, but the work remains, doesn't it, Resisters?
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