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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 104

Journal Archives

Paul Manafort and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Special Counsel Investigation

Hi folks! Here's tonight's post! Also available on my site at:

http://showercapblog.com/manafort-and-the-terrible-horrible/

Holy SHIT, Resisters! I last checked in two short nights ago, and I can't fucking BELIEVE the insanity that's gone down since then. Let's jump right in, 'ere my brain runs screaming from my very skull.

Well, the Man with Phalangeal Stunting stood in front of the whole dang United Nations to do some Stephen Miller karaoke. No, not that Steve Miller, this one.

He shot his fool mouth off about "America first," (seriously, has nobody told him where that one came from yet?) and how he was gonna skullfuck North Korea if they don't tell him he has large, manly fingers and golfs really well. The speech was pretty much a hyperactive 3rd-grader imitating a Stone Cold Steve Austin promo, heaven help us all.

Smallhands Magoo is seriously SO proud of his "Rocket Man" nickname, you guys. To be fair, it probably ranks as one of the top ten accomplishments of his presidency to date.

Because irony died several weeks ago, Melania gave a little speech of her own at the U.N., focusing on how bullying is bad. Her husband was unable to attend, as he was busy pushing the South Korean ambassador into the women's restroom.

So, the Department of Heath and Human services commissioned a study on the economic impact of refugees, and what they found was that refugees generated $63 billion dollars more in government revenue than they cost. But see, that's a problem for an administration that runs on stoking the fears of the inadequate and easily frightened. So what they did was, they ordered HHS to "amend" the report.

And by "amend," I mean "remove all references to revenue generated so as to make it look like refugees are a drain on public resources even though your study found the exact opposite and also if you can throw in some stuff about how they kick puppies and rape a whole bunch of white ladies, that'd be swell."

The Failing New York Times reports this is the work of Stephen Miller, who I guess thinks once he pushes all the non-white folks out of the country, the remaining (white) women will flock to the beacon of his shiny forehead, and one of them will finally, FINALLY touch his minuscule, tortured, dust-encrusted weenie.

Dorito Mussolini's personal attorney, Michael "Sez Who" Cohen, violated his agreement with the Senate Intelligence Committee by releasing a public statement before what was scheduled to be a closed-door hearing, and will now likely be subpoenaed to testify publicly and under oath. Smart lad.

Dana Roharabacher is reportedly 31 flavors of pissed that his attempts to broker a pardon for serial leaker Julian Assange got...leaked, because I was totally not kidding about that death of irony thing. Personally, I think Tom Clancy should collaborate with Will Ferrell to tell Dana's story; the tale of a bumbling dipshit clumsily attempting treason, while struggling to get dressed without inflicting serious self-harm.

Well, the Senate GOP swallowed a bunch of bath salts and decided to take one last stab at fucking up millions of American lives on the behalf of their paymasters, because Mamma and Daddy Koch have taken to sending them to bed without dark money.

Somehow, they've settled on their worst bill yet...Graham-Cassidy which rolls back protections, cuts massive amounts of funding, and, in a bit of evil so brazen as to be nearly hilarious, literally steals billions of dollars from blue states to give to red states.

This is seriously how Republicans govern now. They just take things from people who vote for Democrats and give them to people who vote for Republicans. Right now Ben Sasse is drafting legislation to force me to give my George Foreman grill, my shampoo, and my copy of Avengers Annual #10 (look it up) to Seb Gorka.

Anyway, Vox asked a bunch of Republican Senators to explain what their bill does and how it's better than the ACA. Their answers were...not encouraging. Most of them insisted that states have some sort of nondescript magical powers that will enable them to provide better coverage despite massive cuts in funding because...reasons. Pat Roberts babbled about Thelma & Louise, because Kansas doesn't require their Senators to demonstrate the intellectual capacity of a throw pillow before they send 'em to Washington. (For the record, Pat, ALIEN is probably the better Ridley Scott movie to represent this shit bill - a roving, soulless murderer picking us off, one by one.)

And Chuck Grassley, in an uncharacteristic spurt of honesty, just flat out said Hey, We Said We'd Repeal Obamacare, and This is What We've Got Left That Repeals Obamacare.

You guys, Chuck Grassley has been in Washington too long. When folks ask you, "Why are you voting for a bill that will hurt millions of Americans," and your response is, "Because politics," you need to pack up and go home. Go home, and spend some time figuring out exactly where, when, and how you turned into the sort of human being who would say something like that.

"Why kill thousands and hurt millions? Well, because I lied myself into a corner, and I'd rather harm a bunch of strangers than admit I was wrong."

Jesus Fuck.

Because there's no way to shine up the turd of what the bill actually does, the only selling point the GOP has left is that it repeals/replaces Obamacare.

Granted, with something much much worse, but still...no more Obamacare! Like, the next attempt'll replace the ACA with a bill that hires gangs of surly teenagers to break into retirement homes and kidney-punch the elderly, but Ron Johnson will pop up on Fux Gnus to blather about how at least it's not socialism.

Opposition to the bill in damn near universal. Doctors groups, patients groups, even insurance companies. The AMA goes so far as to say it runs afoul of the "First, do no harm" clause of the Hippocratic Goddamn Oath.

That's right. The fucking AMA says THIS BILL DOES HARM, YOU SHITBAGS, and we have to sit on the edge of our seats for a week wondering what Lisa Murkowski will do. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Basically the nobody supports this bill except 2 Koch brothers, 40-some GOP Senators, and maybe The Nothing from The Neverending Story.

And as if that wasn't bad enough for Team Pachyderm, Jimmy Kimmel rode into town on a white horse named Go Fuck Yourself Bill Cassidy and called him out for being a lying sack of Koch-sponsored monkey shit. Weird how "Please don't kill my child because he has a pre-existing condition" became partisan.

Moving on. So this shitty white dude murders a couple of black men. Police discover he has actual speeches by Adolf Hitler in his apartment. And yet in the media he's a Clean Cut All American Honor Student Eagle Scout Apple Pie Bakin' Kid who somehow ENDED THE LIVES OF TWO HUMAN BEINGS BECAUSE HE'S RACIST TRASH while Tamir Rice basically looked like the Incredible Hulk on a crack bender at 12 years old.

Anyhow, we're a totally post-racial nation, right?

Hey, didja see where Rob Reiner and David Frum are launching a bipartisan group to spread information about all the Russian election-meddling/general fuckery? It's a pretty cool team, including folks like James Clapper, Max Boot, Charlie Sykes, Norman Ornstein, and the ghosts of Toshiro Mifune and James Coburn. Rumor has it that Reiner and Boot are arguing over which one gets to be the "demolitions expert," but once that issue gets settled, I expect great things!

And look, the Republican Governor's Association launched their very own propaganda news site, isn't that neat? Who DOESN'T want their leaders to filter information for them, removing all that pesky accountability?

The Daily Beast clued us in on how Russian-operated social media sites organized Pro-Shart and Anti-Clinton rallies during the election. Gotta hand it to the Fox/Talk Radio/Breitbart crowd; they've manufactured quite the pliable little army of rubes, haven't they? Just the tiniest nudge and they start shooting up pizza restaurants. (No wonder Chucky Cheese is phasing out the animatronics.)

And the Velveeta Urinal Cake seems to be paying his (ever-mounting) lawyer's fees with...donor money! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! That's right, Rubes! Your MAGA hat $$$$ goes straight into the pockets of the idiot lawyers who babble private business in restaurants where reporters hang out. You're not so much deplorable as endlessly dupable.

By the way, you dumbfuck marks, just to rub your nose in how completely he owns you, he's even paying his shitty fuckhead kid's legal bills out of your donations. Keep sending checks, they're gonna need 'em! Is it fun to be used by a rich jag who wouldn't care if you lived or died?

Now, the Spraytan Con Man has promised he'd never apologize for America, but that was before the Turkish Prime Minister's bodyguards kicked the crap out of some protesters. Now, your average, run-of-the-mill American President would side with his own citizens over the thugs who assaulted them, but not the Candycorn Skidmark! No, he apologized to Erdogan for all the inconvenience. America First...ish!

Word is Bob Mueller's probe is investigating 11 years worth of Paul Manafort's financial skullduggery, (Doesn't "Eleven Years of Manafort" sound like an unusually-slow-moving Merchant/Ivory film?) so I imaging Paulie's Adult Depends budget is...substantial.

In a bit of fun trolling, Mueller's point guy for communications with the Shart House actually worked on Watergate! I dunno much about the guy, but when the time comes, I'm sure as shit buying his book.

HHS Secretary Tom Price is such a dedicated fiscal conservative that he's taking up to five private jet flights PER WEEK! Mingling with the commoners is soooooo depressing, right, T? Why fly coach when you can burn through taxpayer dollars like so much flash paper as a Capo in the most corrupt regime in American history, amiright?

Not wanting to be outdone, EPA head Scott Pruitt, who has done plenty of his own shady traveling, has fallen into the habit of conscripting environmental crimes investigators from across the country to serve as his personal security detail.

Can you fucking imagine? It's like Jeff Sessions pulling U.S. Attorneys off their cases to protect him (and his stash of delicious sandwich cookies) while he slept.

I swear, it's a competition between these crooked fucks to see who can waste the most taxpayers dollars without facing consequences. Within three weeks, Betsy DeVos will be borne from meeting to meeting in a gilded carriage drawn by twelve white tigers.

Anyway, you'll be please to know your President's attention is laser-focused on the issues that matter most: EMMY RATINGS! Yep. SHARTUS might not have time to learn what his party's health care legislation does, but gloating about an awards show's viewership? Don the Con is on it like flies on shit.

And while the Spicest of all Possible Seans can get a cuddly little redemption party at the Emmys (Hey Emmys: Fuck you for that.), what he CAN'T get is a JOB. Yeah, all the networks declined to hire the guy who's best known for awkward, blatant lying as a pundit. He's like Jeffrey Lord with less credibility and less interesting hair.

The American tourism industry got a 2.7 billion dollar "Trump Bump" in the wrong direction, isn't that neat? Who'da thunk that steadfastly shitting on the rest of the world would have actual consequences? (Literally everyone raises their hand.)

Speaking of international relations, the Marmalade Shartcannon gave some remarks to African leaders at the U.N. today, about how happy they should be about all his shitty carpetbagging buddies steamrolling into town to take advantage of them! He also talked about the nation of "Nambia," which of course does not exist, because we are governed by a man who can't be bothered by such petty details as Which Countries Are Real and Which Are Just in Comic Books.

In other news, Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag announced a free trade agreement with Latveria.

'Member the Google Memo guy? The "Somebody's gotta say it - Broads Can't Code" guy? Well, in his bid to be named the Patron Saint of Hot Takes, he babbled some nonsense about how maybe the Klan is bad, but ya gotta admit that being called a Grand Wizard is totes rad, and if you don't, it's your fault that white supremacists are killing people. Or something. This is the kind of dude who smokes a bunch of cheap weed and plays Matchbox 20 records backwards.

NYT tells us that Rugged Robert Mueller is now gathering all sort of docs related to Il Douche's actions as President, from his firing of Comey to his pudding-headed attempt to cover up Junior's Golly-I-Just-Can't-Wait-to-Collaborate meeting. Shower Cap was unavailable for comment, because he was busy giggling like a hyena on a sugar high.

And just as I'm being crushed beneath the weight of an unusually heapin' helpin' of madness, even by Drumpf-era standards (and that, my friends, is a fuckton of madness), WaPo drops their latest Manafort bomb.

Seems Paulie Ukraine, while serving as Chairman of Shartboy's campaign, sent out a little email offering private briefings on the state of the campaign to a Russian oligarch closely allied with Uncle Vlad.

Fuck, y'all. I don't know much, but I bet you George Pataki's campaign manager wasn't offering Putin Pals private campaign briefings.

This is TWO DAYS WORTH of news, folks. About 45 hours, really. Nuttier than the whole damn Chester Arthur administration, I bet. (You watch, I'll get Arthur historians in the comments now.)

I need a drink. Luckily, I have a drink. Guess what happens now.

Let Us Now Contemplate the Noble Herpes Oyster

Hey everybody! Here's tonight's post. As always, check it out on my site:

http://showercapblog.com/herpes-oyster-manafort-fucked/

Hey folks. Is shit still cray? I mean, the roof of my place might be sagging under the weight of all the bat guano, but it hasn't caved in...yet.

Sunday was pretty quiet. I mean, the President of the United States sent out a tweet that advocated violence against women, as well as violence against his political opponent (he's a multi-tasker, that Marmalade Shartcannon!), but does that even count as newsworthy anymore?

Oh look! Sean Spicer got to go to Emmys and make a little jokey joke and rub elbows with celebrities HAW HAW HAW ISN'T IT FUN? HE WAS THE CHIEF PROPAGANDA MINISTER FOR A REGIME THAT WAGES WAR ON REALITY AND ASSAULTS THE PILLARS OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY, IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE'S A TRAITOR TO HIS NATION AND WILL NEVER FACE ANY CONSEQUENCES BEYOND ACCUMULATING WEALTH HAW HAW HAW.

The Failing New York Times told us that a couple of Sharty McFly's lawyers went out for lunch at a steakhouse frequented by reporters (and actually down the street from NYT's office) and screamed their heads off about a bunch of shit they shouldn't have been talking about IN A RESTAURANT WHERE REPORTERS HANG OUT, because The Best People. Anyway, the lawyers are fighting, and the lawyers all have lawyers of their own, and everybody's paranoid as fuck. They're worried they're being spied on by rivals, that folks might be wearing wires for Mueller...shit, maybe these fucks'll end up Reservoir Dogsing each other, and we won't even have to impeach 'em.

Oh, we're sending 3,000 more troops to Afghanistan. I'll bet that takes care of everything. After 16 years, all the blood and treasure needlessly pissed away, 3,000 more troops clears the whole boondoggle up, probably. Whew!

While we spend most of our time focusing on the rot at the federal level here, let's not lose sight of the grassroots dirtbags working to Make America Shitty. Didja hear about the weaselly, dickless kid who tried to get an undocumented classmate kicked out of the country? Well, turns out he's been booted from his college instead, because justice isn't completely dead yet. And hey, Taylor Ragg...have fun with the rest of your life, where your reprehensible fuckery will always be a short google search away!

Well, you're probably hearing a lot about "Graham-Cassidy" these days. Regrettably I must inform you that this is NOT the name of a folk rock band, and even if it were, they'd have songs like "Our House (Is a Very Very Very Fine House But We Lost It in a Medical Bankruptcy When Mom Got Sick)" and "Teach Your Children Well Unless They Have Preexisting Conditions in Which Case It's Probably Best Not to Get Too Attached."

No, it's the title of the latest GOP attempt to sneak their Mass Murder of the American Poor Bill through in the dead of night. Anyway, we gotta get on the phones and sink this shit one more time, Resisters. We must not allow Graham-Cassidy to become Graham, Cassidy, Murkowski & McCain, some sort of life-support-machine-unplugging supergroup.

There won't be time for a full CBO score before the reconciliation clock runs out at the end of the month, and there's literally only 90 seconds of debate time left. But the Republican Party is just so dang DEDICATED to shortening the lives of the Taker Classes. "You had me at 'Dead Kids'" said Ron Johnson, tearfully gazing into Lindsey Graham's eyes.

Guess what, kids? Now YOU can finance your very own traitor! Yes, General Mike Flynn, America's favorite undisclosed foreign agent, has started up a crowd funded legal defense site! Maybe he can get Sally Struthers to cut a weepy commercial for him..."Do you want to make more money selling access to a know-nothing President? Sure, we all do!"

It's been awhile since we've heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. Bill! Have you got anything for us tonight?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh holy fuck do I ever.

That's never good news. Fine. Stomp on the tattered remains of our souls, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, you know about the protests in St. Louis, of course. Another acquittal for another law enforcement officer who killed a black man and seems to have planted evidence on him after the fact.

Oh, you're gonna talk about that old woman the police knocked down at the protest, right?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, that was really fucking awful, wasn't it? What if I told you that wasn't the worst thing St. Louis law enforcement did, Cap?

...shit, Bill. I don't know if -

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No no, let us stare into the Abyss together. Turns out, while some police were arresting some protesters, they decided to co-opt a protester chant. "Whose streets? OUR STREETS!" Got that? The world doesn't belong to the people, but to the cops in riot gear. SLEEP TIGHT!

Jesus Fuck, Bill. That's some dark shit.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Sure is, Cap. Makes your blood run cold.

Ok, well, before my soul shrivels completely away and runs screaming into the night, I need something to laugh at, STAT. Fortunately I have the worst political ad in history to pep me up. Thanks, Dan Helmer, for the desperately-needed laugh.

President Obama's tenure in office was marked by steady job growth. That's slowing down a bit, but don't worry, America! What we lose in employment we're more than making up for...in hate crimes! Yessir, the hate crime index is getting a real "Trump Bump," with a 5% increase nationwide from 2015 to 2016, and many cities seeing even steeper "gains," led by Washington D.C.'s 62% increase. And we're off to a red-hot start in 2017, thanks to the wildly successful Make America Hate Again campaign.

Don Jong-un REALLY REALLY wants to preside over a procession of tanks down Pennsylvania Avenue, even though that'd most likely make the Lincoln Memorial stand up, walk over to the White House and stomp on his (inadequate) crotch. I wonder if Sheriff Dave'll let Donnie borrow his uniform so he can really cosplay the shit out of the third world dictator he wishes he were.

Too-Ridiculously-Hateful-to-be-a-Credible-Fictional-Character-Yet-Somehow-Alabama-Senate-Frontrunner Roy Moore lamented the conflicts between the "reds and yellows," proving that it's still possible to be shockingly racist even in the context of our ever-plummeting Drumpf-era standards.

Seriously. "Reds and yellows?" Holy fuck. Who's Bannon gonna recruit to primary Roger Wicker in Mississippi, the burning ghost of Nathan Bedford Forrest?

Hey, if you're having a shit day, at least be thankful that you're not Paul Manafort.

CNN tells us Paulie Ukraine was subject to FISA-court-approved wiretapping both before and after the election, and that Orange Julius Caesar stayed in contact with Manafort until his lawyers finally got through to him on what a dumbfuck thing to do that was.

And NYT told us that Rugged Robert Mueller threatened the former Shart Campaign Chair with indictment after raiding his home a few weeks back, cuz Mueller's into all that Untouchables shit.

(The Washington Post was totally jealous not to have their own Manafort scoop to break, so my sources tell me they're working on a story about how he sometimes steals his neighbor's Amazon packages if they look like they might be something cool like a socket wrench set or a Big Wheel.)

Anyway, Our Madame Hilldawg was shootin' the shit with Terry Gross, and kept the door open to raising some sort of unspecified hell about the election once the indictments start flying, because she is a goddamn warrior with nary a fuck left to give.

And now lil' Shart, Jr is canceling his Secret Service protection, because it sure is annoying having law enforcement around all the time when you've got laws to break and collusion to cover up, AMIRITE? (That Secret Service officers can be compelled to testify under oath has nothing to do with this decision, I'm sure.)

Anyway, there's ANOTHER Cat 5 hurricane raging through the Caribbean, and I'm sure it's about to dump a shit ton of herpes oysters on all of us. It'll be just like MAGNOLIA. Only instead of frogs, it'll be oysters.

Oysters with herpes.


Saturday Night Fever Dream

Hey there Resisters, I had a little time tonight, and I thought I'd check in on the madness before the orderlies sedate me.

Check out the full blog at:


http://showercapblog.com/saturday-night-fever-dream/


Princess Ivanka wants everyone to know that just cuz she's a high-level Presidential advisor doesn't mean it's reasonable for people to expect her to influence the President.

...Yeah, that's about par for the course in this George Miller wasteland we call...2017.

The Shart House communications staff can't stay on message when it comes to why the President fired Comey, but they sure are consistent in wanting to see a successful black woman punished for criticizing the Grand Wizard President, aren't they? Seriously, the executive branch is working harder to get Jemele Hill fired than they ever did to pass a health care bill.

Also, Secretary Mnuchin wants the filthy media to know that he only wanted the American taxpayer to fund his honeymoon because he needed a $25,000/hour jet for national security reasons! Everything Mnuchbag does is done only with national security in mind! That includes his trip to Fort Knox to watch the eclipse! And also the French maid outfit and ballgag Louise makes him wear around the house! IT'S FOR NATIONAL SECURITY!

Senate Majority Leader McConnell wants to do away with the blue slip process now that he's in the majority, because obstruction is just for Republicans, don'tcha know. Careful, Turtle Boy, in 2021, when President Clooney appoints Sarah Silverman to the DC Circuit, you'll miss those slips...

Hey, look-a here! Mike Flynn had YET ANOTHER undisclosed secret meeting with high-falutin' fancypants types while being paid as an agent for foreign interests! Jar-Jar and Steve Bannon were there, too!

These secret meetings keep poppin' up like dandelions, don't they? Six months from now, we'll uncover some rendezvous with the ack-ack-ack aliens from Mars Attacks!, where they offered to trade space weapons in exchange for the use of Stephen Miller as a sex slave (large, smooth foreheads are very sensual in Martian culture).

WaPo got ahold of a receipt showing that the Warped Pla-Doh Manatee charged the government more than a grand for an official's two-night stay at Marm-a-Lago, back in March. He might not be much for legislatin', but Donnie Two-Scoops is meticulously grifting every last dime he can squeeze out of the U.S. Treasury.

Maybe next quarter when Drumpfy "donates his salary," he'll do it in the form of hotel vouchers for government employees? Maybe even port-a-potty tokens for the Secret Service?

Now-former-Sheriff Dave Clarke's masters degree is being retained in solitary confinement without water, because Sheriff Dave is a lying plagiarist who took a bunch of other people's work and said "This is A Sheriff Dave Jam," which was a fat fucking lie. Can you get a Presidential pardon from grad school? Asking for a murderous fuckwad.

Rugged Robert Mueller subpoenaed a bunch of records from Facebook about how Uncle Vlad's Bot Army targeted the Kid Who Sat Next to You in High School and Ate His Boogers with Pizzagate conspiracy stories and whatnot. And will the trail eventually lead back to Jared Kushner's ball pit? Time will tell...

Kris Kobach kontinues kourting komeuppance by konducting his Kulling Kommission's kontacts using private, rather than government, e-mail accounts, in defiance of records-keeping laws. Kobach insists he'll continue doing so, because what's gonna happen? Is Jeff Sessions going to prosecute him for cutting corners in pursuit of their shared goal of Making the Electorate Lilly-White Again?

Speaking of the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Ol' Beauregard got smacked with a rolled-up newspaper in the courts again this week, in his attempts to punish Sanctuary Cities for refusing to turn their police forces into his personal immigrant-roundup Gestapo, in his ongoing quest to bleach the voting populace.

You'll no doubt be pleased to learn the Sessions' DoJ, which has recently stood up for the rights of LGBT Americans to be told "Fuck No You Can't Buy a Cake Here," and for the right Jeff Sessions to not be laughed at by no uppity broads, is now sticking up for the Grifter in Chief's right to meet with/profit from folks at properties he owns without telling the American people just who's bribing him. Surely, this is exactly the America Crispus Attucks envisioned with his dying breaths.

Did I miss the California state legislature declaring this Official Fart Directly in the President's Mouth Week? They passed a resolution calling on the U.S. Congress to censure Shartboy for his Not All Nazis Charlottesville remarks. They passed a bill establishing themselves as a Sanctuary State. And for good measure, they passed a little bill requiring anyone who wants to get their fat orange ass on the California Presidential ballot to release five years worth of tax returns.

Ouch. What next, legally mandated medium rare steaks? Perhaps a ban on extra-extra-large white golf pants?

Word on the street is, there's a hot new trend among the deplorable set: burning MAGA hats! Yes, it seems some of America's shittiest white jags are all sad n' pissy about Tangerine Idi Amin cuttin' a DACA deal with his new besties, Pelumer, and only huffing the polyester fumes from cheap, made-in-China baseball caps can ease their pain.

SHOWER CAP SAFETY TIP: Don't forget to take the cap OFF before igniting, kiddos.

Hey, Pennsylvania state rep Aaron Bernstine seems like a nice fellah, doesn't he? I mean, talking about how eager you are to adopt the very same tactic a Nazi terrorist used to kill an American citizen is just the sort of thing a nice, Christian boy should do...right? I think I'll take Aaron home to meet mom...but I'll make sure she knows not to meet us in the driveway.

Congressstooge Dana Rohrabacher (R-Stalingrad) pitched John Kelly a deal where Julian Assange would "prove" Russia never fed Wikileaks any sweet sweet Podesta e-mails, on the condition that Dorito Mussolini gets Julian out of jail for free, because he's tired of hanging out in the Ecuadorian embassy where there are no younger women to harass. Rohrabacher and Assange would then embark on a raucous road trip, accompanied by a camera crew, in hopes of pitching a reality show to Glenn Beck. It's like Spring Break meets Creepy Old Douchebags.

Rohrabacher, perhaps worried that somebody somewhere might mistake him for a sane person, also blamed the violence in Charlottesville on...Civil War reenactors? Shit, you can say absolutely ANYTHING in the GOP these days, can't you? I'm moving back to Kansas to run for governor on a platform of fighting the Flying Monkey infestation. Are you against that, Libtards? What are you, PRO-FLYING MONKEY? THEY KIDNAP CHILDREN FROM OUR MAJESTIC WHEAT FIELDS!!!!

A terrorist attack injured 29 in London on Friday. The American President, classy as ever, saw this as a golden opportunity for some fearmongering, pimping his shitty, racist travel ban. Especially weird, since Syrian refugees still haven't killed anyone, while white supremacists are driving into crowd with homicidal intent.

For a little bit of extra fun, President Rube misinterpreted something he saw on Fux n' Frenz (and let's pause to quiver in horror at that phrase, and our understanding of its potentially apocalyptic consequences) and tweeted out a condemnation of British law enforcement for basically allowing an act of terrorism to take place, with absolutely nothing resembling evidence to support his inflammatory claim.

I tell you what, our next president could be a half-eaten Mars bar, and it'd still be greeted with worldwide parades upon taking office. Even if it was a dark chocolate Mars bar.

AP reports that leftover funds from the Marmalade Shartcannon's pathetically-attended inauguration ceremony have not, as promised, been donated to charity, but have instead gone to redecorating Mike Pence's residence, presumably focusing heavily on his burgeoning Abusive Nursing Home Employee Pornography Library.

Shart supporters have rally envy, y'know. They see us turning out thousands, sometimes millions, and every now and then they make a pathetic attempt to match us. And they tend to fail, rather spectacularly. Today was no exception, has the "Mother of All Rallies" turned out a cartoonish handful of the Surly and Easily-Duped. And of course the Object of Their Affection wasn't even in town to greet them, for it is the weekend, and he's got golf, you gullible plebs.

Anyway, the Juggalos were more entertaining. And numerous.

Awwww...a Washington Examiner story alerts us to the plight of poor Shart campaign staffers being bankrupted by legal bills. Hey fuckheads, nobody ever said that collaborating with a foreign power to take a sloppy shit all over your country would be cheap. (Some of them blame Kellyanne Conway, and that, at least, I'm onboard with.)

As per usual, shit be cray. The sign language interpreter for this blog post is probably giving you a Captain Beefheart record, backwards and in Esperanto.

Well, enjoy your weekend, and be ready to get back on the phones come Monday, cuz Zombie Trumpcare IV, The Shartening looks to be rearing its ugly head...

Ted Cruz is Not Wanking to This Blog Post...OR IS HE?!?

Hello friends! Here's tonight's post! Check it out at my new blog site here:

http://showercapblog.com/ted-cruz-is-not-wanking-to-this-post-or-is-he/

Wouldja believe I got my Monday night blog up like, six minutes before the Ted Cruz porn story broke? Luckily, America's still laughing at America's Most Punchable Senator, ironically pounding on himself.

Anyway, I'm wrapped up snugly in my pumpkin spice straightjacket, enjoying the shrieks of madness floating into my cell on the brisk autumn breeze. I could really go for a fucking scone, y'know?

Autocratic Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak, so nakedly criminal that DoJ is seizing his assets, checked into Trump's D.C. hotel, presumably because these fucks are just trying to see what they can get away with now. Personally pocketing money stolen by a corrupt dictator from his people? "You ain't seen nothin' yet," boasted Eric Drumpf, "We're about to embark on a project where we work our way through all the Bond villain plots one by one, starting with Casino Royale!"

The Daily Beast tells us that Russian agents took their grand weaponization of the American Rube Army so far as to organize anti-immigrant protests on Facebook. Isn't it great, knowing our angriest idiots can be stoked into a nationalist fury from an ill-lit Moscow basement for six rubles an hour?

And it turns out Hans von Spakovsky, from Kris Kobach's Kooky Kulling Kommission, wrote himself a little letter saying how it would be a mistake to staff the panel with anything other than the most unhinged dudes from Klan militias, because Democrats believe that you should be allowed to vote EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT WHITE, THOSE CUUUUUUUUUCKS! Anyway, this guy's asking for access to all your personal, private, voting data, sleep tight.

Hey, I guess the political leadership of the CDC sent out a memo telling its employees not to speak to media. Nifty! Why should the public have access to the Center for Freaking Disease Control?!? SHUT UP I'M NOT DEVELOPING AN EBOLA VIRUS, YOU'RE DEVELOPING AN EBOLA VIRUS.

The news ain't all bad, though. We had some special elections last night, and we bumped off some Republicans, in some districts that voted for a certain Misshaped Traffic Cone as recently as last November. We're buildin' up that long-depleted bench, aren't we? Damn, Bench. Lookin' good, Bench. You've filled out since I saw you last, haven't you? (Gives Democratic Bench "the eye."

And hey, turns out we're all gonna get together and light up a fat one with...Orrin Hatch? Who knew? "Utah is America's leading exporter of things that you could totally turn into a bong," Hatch told reporters this afternoon, before retreating to his Capitol Hill office to listen to some early Cypress Hill.

The President With the Hugest Golf Pants sat down with Senator Tim Scott to discuss how maybe talking about how Charmin-soft-and-huggable Nazi terrorists are might not be the best thing for the country. The White House not only got Scott's name wrong in their press release about the meeting, but they called him, of all things...Tom. Oy.

Would you be surprised to learn that Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet couldn't be bothered to call our neighbor and ally, Mexico, to say "Hey bro, sorry to hear about that enormous earthquake you just had?" It shouldn't, because that would have required empathy.

It seems Mike Flynn broke even more laws that we already knew about, failing to disclose a trip abroad to broker a deal between Russia and Saudi Arabia. Ere ye pass judgment, I ask of ye, who among ye hasn't forgotten the odd excursion into international arms sales (did I mention the transaction involved arms sales? Cuz it totally did.)?

And when they say "the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree," they clearly meant the Flynns, since Wee Mikey Junior is now being investigated by Team Mueller, just like his Pop! Maybe the apple will even roll into a cell right next to the tree, who knows?

Now while one National Security advisor abused his post to manipulate his Idiot Manchild boss on behalf of foreign paymasters, let's look at an NSA executing her duties correctly.

After months of frothy screeching from the right about her dastardly Unmasking crimez, Susan Rice told the House Intelligence Committee just why she was so intent on spoiling the masquerade ball.

Turns out the crown prince of the UAE snuck into the U.S. to meet with some of the shadier members of the transition team without informing the U.S. government, a big naughty no-no (Not THAT kind, Senator Cruz. Calm down.)

And yes, that's the same UAE that facilitated the backchannel, poor-man's-Clancy-novel Seychelles meeting between Erik Prince and some random Putin stooge. You remember, the one Team Shart lied about until they got caught? Just another in the ongoing series of zany-ass coincidences and totally understandable memory lapses, right?

Getting back to Mueller, he's said to have a "red-hot focus on social media," which means he's liking a bunch of my vacation photos on Instagram, right?

Hmmmm...kind of a slow news day. I mean, the Shart House Press Secretary called for a private company to fire an American citizen for criticizing the President. That happens all the time in America, right? Why, Taft cleared out half of Wells Fargo just on account of fat jokes.

Sanders also wants Justice to think about prosecuting Jolly Jim Comey for...well, presumably for setting off a chain of events that will land multiple members of the administration in prison. Anyway, Jeff Sessions'll be too busy pursuing charges against women who laugh at him, cuz there're fucking MILLIONS of those, more every single day.

Oh, and I see Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag tried to stick us chump taxpayers with the bill for his honeymoon air travel! Fuckwad wanted an Air Force jet that runs 25,000 bucks...PER HOUR.

Between this, the security detail Betsy DeVos demands to keep the porridge-starved rabble away from her, and Sharty McFly himself bankrupting the Secret Service so he can golf every week, truly, this is a government of the common man. Sometimes...there's so much populism in the administration...I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.

I see Jiggly HateMound Seb Gorka is trying to land a contract with Fox News, and also to begin some sort of murky "national security initiative" with his ol' fascist drinking buddy, Steve Bannon. Sources tell me these discussions are mainly arguments centered on whether it would be cooler to transfer Hitler's brain into a robot body (Gorka's favored position) or that of a gorilla, possibly one with super-strength (that one's Bannon).

Checking in on other corners of the right wing shitbagosphere, today we learned that Martin Shkreli is headed to jail, and that James Woods is a gross, slobbering pervert, chasing underage women. And I dunno...Pat Robertson probably ate a kitten on tv, I can't keep up with all this shit.

Oh, never forget...not all Shitbags are famous! Take, for example, the Motel 6 in Phoenix, which has been stooging undocumented immigrants out to ICE. Norman Bates is like, "Dude, you're besmirching the honor of cheap motels everywhere."

Seriously, can you imagine? "I run a motel, but what I REALLY want to do is fuck up strangers' lives."

Shit folks, I see there's a brand new Trump in the world, and a brand new Duggar besides. Jesus. Get to fuckin', Resisters! We need to build the next generation before it's too late!

No more news tonight. GET TO FUCKING.

Hang on...I'm sitting here working on this piece, and the news breaks that...Shartboy agreed to essentially pass the DREAM act in exchange for a border security package that doesn't include the Big Stupid Wall?

What the fuck? Is he just going to do whatever Schumer and Pelosi (Schumlosi?) want him to do now? SHS is saying the wall isn't off the table, but who the fuck knows what's going on? One way or another, Chuck and Nancy really boxed the Shart of the Deal in here, so I cannot WAIT to see how the GOP reacts to this tomorrow...

UPDATE: I am told that Ann Coulter combusted.

This Blog Post is God's Punishment For, Oh Let's Say the New Charlie Sheen Movie

Hey everybody! New post! Check it out on my Brand New Site here:

http://showercapblog.com/1315-2/

I tell ya, people...things are crazy in my country these days. Crazier than Peggy Noonan's version of the Civil War and Reconstruction, and THAT, my friends, is mighty goddamn nutty.

Well, you knew Hurricane Irma was for real when Swollen RageTick Rush Limbaugh decided it wasn't such a liberal hoax that he was willing to stick around, and ordered a team of interns to roll him north to safety.

Religious nutbags, as they always do, giddily proclaimed the storm to be God's punishment for not reading enough Left Behind novels or something. One particularly jaggy "pastor" told us the big G would disperse the hurricane if the Supreme Court overturned marriage equality, so if your basement flooded, I guess you're allowed to kidney-punch Ruth Bader Ginsberg now.

I've always envied this particular delusion, that god...like GOD, Lord of All Things, hurts vast numbers of basically decent, innocent people just for disagreeing with YOU personally. If you're that maliciously crazy and self-centered, how satisfying the world must be. Like, "thousands of homes were destroyed in a tragic mudslide because God's as mad as I am that The Big Bang Theory is still on," or maybe "Cindy in accounting won't go out with me, I bet God murders at least five people for that."

Anyhow.

The Shart Administration delivered the leadership we've come to expect in this time of crisis. White House Social Media Director Dan Scavino spread around a video inaccurately claiming to depict conditions at Miami International Airport, because confirming a fact before reporting it is, as you'll recall, for cucks.

It's enough to make you think that maybe making your fucking golf caddie into one of the world's most important communications officials was an unwise choice.

And Scott Pruitt inferred it would be simply UNCOUTH to talk about climate change in the wake of the totally-commonplace-back-to-back monster hurricanes. "Out of respect for the victims, and of course, all the future victims I'm creating by ripping the Environmental Protection Agency apart with my bare hands, we must refuse to politicize this problem, especially as it has a clear political solution which I happen to oppose," Pruitt huffed, before pouring coal sludge into the EPA office coffee maker.

In times of tragedy, Americans look to their President for hope and inspiration, and the Ol' Shartcannon didn't disappoint! No, as hundreds of families lost all they had, as dozens lost their very lives, Donald J Trump (The "J" stands for "Sociopath." reminded us of just how fantastic all this suffering was for the Coast Guard's "brand." (Cut to: A single tear rolling in slow motion along a bald eagle's beak. Where the tear strikes the ground, a mighty oak springs forth, unfurling American flags from every branch.)

Let's check in with Bill over at the Abject Horror Desk. Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, Cap, Politico reports the Shart Administration is considering proposing new, smaller "mini-nuke" nuclear weapons, for when you feel like unleashing just a lite fiery holocaust. Kinda of like the salad-with-low-cal-ranch-dressing of genocidal warfare. Maybe just enough to take out CNN headquarters, or Salma Hayek's house, if she keeps refusing the President's amorous advances.

Well, that sounds absolutely fucking horrifying, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: It certainly is, Cap. I was actually in the middle of a day-long primal scream just now when you called.

We'll let you get back to that, Bill. (Bill's shrieks gradually fade in the chilly autumn wind)

And boy howdy is Jeff Sessions on a roll in his ongoing quest to turn 21st century America into the scariest ten minutes of PLEASANTVILLE. Not only is he re-prosecuting that one uppity broad for the high crime of laughing at him, but he's going to bat for the oppressed Douchebag Baker class, seeking to deliver them from the Demon Homosexuals Who Think They Have the Right to Buy a Fucking Cake. CAKES ARE FOR STRAIGHTS, YOU DEVIANTS!

Oh, and Ol' Beauregard, who repeatedly lied under oath about his campaign contacts with Russians, wants to administer lie detector tests to NSC staff, which is not at all the sort of thing that a police state would do, except for the parts that are totally like what a police state would do, which in this particular case is...all of the parts.

Sessions has a kindred spirit in Rich White Shithead Bible Study Buddy/CIA Director Mike Pompeo, who doesn't want no stinkin' diversity in his intelligence agency! And if Mikey's bullheaded insistence on a white-christian-dude-heavy workforce weakens our security and makes the nation less safe, well, at least he's not responsible for any hurricanes.

We learned that Donnie "No Deals in Russia" sent a letter of intent to pursue Drumpf Dower in Moscow while running for President. Oh, and his company signed a big fat contract with a Chinese government firm for work on a golf course in Dubai, which is surely the most populist thing of all time. It's ok though. It's just the President of the United States, personally profiting from a business arrangement with a foreign power.

Wasn't China supposed to be some malignant evil empire, crushing the American worker beneath its hideous boot, by the way? Wasn't Shartboy's whole campaign about standing up to China? So, he's breaking the law, breaking his word, lining his pockets, all while doing jack shit for the American people...I'd say it's just about time for CNN to track down a laid-off auto worker who thinks this is all great cuz it pisses the libtards off.

Meanwhile, Bodacious Bob Mueller closes in on the Velveeta Urinal Cake's inner circle. All the shitweasels are lawyering up, and word is the legal expenses threaten to bankrupt more than a few of them.

Wouldn't that just be too damn bad, if some of the fuckheads ruining our country found themselves ignominiously bumped down into the classes the GOP spends so much time and energy victimizing? The image of Reince Priebus getting berated by some spittle-drenched Fox Drone for paying with food stamps doesn't displease me.

Pennsylvania's Charlie Dent became the latest House Republican to announce that he'll retire rather than face the righteous fury of the two-years-we've-been-waiting-for-the-chance-to-taint-punt-you-fuckers 2018 electorate. Paul Ryan insists this wave of retirements is nothing like rats deserting a sinking ship, but more like a...a bunch of voles...escaping a raft...with a hole in it.

And hey, Vicente Fox is running for President! It's an outsider candidacy, but I bet he does better than Evan McMullin...it'll all come down to how well Air Bud jokes play in the Rust Belt.

So, last week, Donnie Two Scoops decided to punish Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, giving Democratic leadership everything they wanted in a Harvey aid bill that extended the debt ceiling and government funding for about the length of time it takes to broadcast a season of Game of Thrones.

So naturally, the New York Times (and other mainstream media outlets) eagerly proclaimed him some sort of magical, untethered, deal-making Independent Presidential enigma, the likes of which we have never seen, isn't it fantastic, interesting, and normal?

Guys. He was swinging his dick around to put Mitch and Paulie in their place. That's all. He's still the travel ban guy, the ACA repeal guy, the fuck DACA guy, the Yemen raid guy, the guy who appointed the Breitbart Dream Team as his Cabinet, the guy who wants to roll back regulations and build a big stupid wall and cut rich folks' taxes.

Just because he's too fucking dense to understand the issues doesn't mean he's a political phenom deftly upending the two party system...he's just an idiot bumbling around in the dark, shooting off Roman Candles because he's too stupid to remember where the light switch is.

Steve Bannon slithered onto 60 Minutes for a little interview. Despite wearing fourteen shirts, one on top of the other, to mask his odor, his trademark gin-vomit stench was broadcast into millions of American homes in stunning HD smellovision. Belching up an inky substance which dissolved several microphones over the course of the encounter, Darth Wino mostly blathered about how smart and great and right he is about all things, which explains why he was fired after seven months of heavily-publicized failure.

Meanwhile, Steve-O's merrily mobilizing all that Magic Mercer Money to mount primary challenges to all those Republican senators who've been insufficiently loyal to the Candycorn Skidmark.

Candidate recruiting has gone swimmingly; Bannon will back Mississippi Burning extra Roy Moore against Luther Strange in Alabama, and supports the Golgothan to challenge Jeff Flake in Arizona, and the Guy Who Got Dipped in Toxic Waste and Then Hit by a Var in Robocop to run against Roger Wicker in Mississippi.

KKKris KKKobach spun an easily-and-quickly disproven lie about voter fraud in New Hampshire, but the debunking doesn't bother him; he understands his audience is the brainwashed moron army so well-conditioned to hate the left that they readily accept the idea that our Presidential candidate runs her own personal child sex slavery ring. And now his Kooky Kulling Kommission is looking into imposing background checks before allowing people to vote...and that'll be KKKris' job, of course...sitting in some gothic tower, sipping port, personally selecting the entire electorate.

...and Russian politicians continue boasting about the wedgie they gave American democracy.

The clowns at Fux and Friendz marked the 9/11 anniversary with all the solemnity and class you'd expect of them; wondering when roving gangs of liberal Antifas would tear down all the 9/11 memorials and replace them with statues of Hillary Clinton murdering Seth Rich on Christopher Stevens' grave, or giant animatronic Matt Damons that talk all day about how much better than you they are.

At least SCROTUS didn't brag about his building's surprise bump in the tallness standings, or whinge about "haters and losers,"...this year.

Didja see where Axios reported that Shart Garfunkel finally realized that "people really fucking hate me?"

Wow. What a Eureka moment. That's like Stephen Miller noticing his hairline's receding, or Dane Cook realizing that he's not funny.

And yeah, Shart-Shart...we DO really fucking hate you. You're taking heat from everybody from Miss Texas to the ever-lovin' Pope. You deserve all of it and more.

Meanwhile Alex Jones and Roger Stone had a casual chat about how John Kelly is probably drugging the President and dressing him up like a schoolgirl and videotaping him singing "Baby One More Time" so that all the other generals laugh at him and also for kompromat.

And a late-breaking WSJ story sez some of Fat Q*Bert's lawyers tried to push poor young Jared Kushner out of the White House 'cuz of all his Russian bizness and the lying about it and what have you. Day'll come when you regret not taking that advice, Donnie.

Just another typical Monday. Y'know, maybe the Democrat's midterm message should just be a Return to Boring. Screw "A Better Deal," just promise me a scenario where I don't have to check the news every six minutes to make sure the planet isn't on fire. Gimmie Nancy Pelosi in an ad promising "Shit, sometimes you'll go a whole week without picking up the newspaper. Get back to thinking about your fantasy football team and which celebrities are fucking. Doesn't that sound NICE?"

Yes it does, Nancy...yes it does.

I Bet Paul Ryan's Sick of Frankenstein References By Now

Hey everyone! New piece here, check it out on the blog site for links!

Showercapblog.com

This entry specifically at:

http://showercapblog.com/bet-paul-ryan-sick-frankenstein-references-now/

Well, I haven't had time to check in with the usual roundup, been so busy getting the site launched...is shit still cray?

Hmmm...wildfires raging all across the west, right on L.A.'s doorstep...the second major hurricane in a month tearing through the Caribbean on its way to Florida...the youngest member of the Manson Clan granted parole...

Yup. Shit remains thoroughly cray.

Big week for the Department of Justice! They confirmed that no, Barack Obama did not install tiny surveillance devices in the appliances in Drump Dower during election season, whatever Kellyanne Conway thinks. And if that investigation wasn't enough to top your list of Super Rad Uses For Taxpayer Money, looks like they're going to retry the woman who laughed at Jeff Sessions during his confirmation hearing!

I don't know about y'all, but a mediocre old white dude bringing the awesome power of the state down on a woman who laughed at him just gives me a red, white, and blue boner! I'm sure the inalienable right Not to be Laughed at by Uppity Broads only got cut from the Declaration of Independence cuz they ran out of room, Beau.

Tangerine Idi Amin went back to Houston last weekend, because the fucker actually needed two tries to show a little empathy and meet actual victims. So he did a little photo op, told everyone to enjoy the shuffleboard and nacho dip, shit on the media just for kicks, and went back to golfing.

I guess tensions are beginning to bubble between Orange Julius Caesar and his Shiny New Chief of Staff, who has radical ideas like "Hey, all that shit that led to months of self-inflicted crisis and buffoonish failure? Maybe less of that?" Seems Donnie Two-Scoops misses his Breitbart and his Daily Caller, and people call Kelly "The Church Lady" behind his back, because he wants to run the White House like the White House, and not like a Day Care Center That's Really a Front for a Meth Lab.

There was even a little story about Kelly feuding with Omarosa. What a world we live in, where a 4 star General and a reality television doofus are vying for the attention of the world's most powerful Lump of Poo.

Speaking of Kelly, he allegedly locked Sheriff David Clarke's dreams of working in the White House up in a cell without water until they died from thirst. Poor Sheriff Dave. After the Arpaio pardon, he probably thought he was getting his own concentration camp, ICE detention center to run.

Ooooo...and I see Rugged Robert Mueller got ahold of Don the Con's original, presumably-written-in-crayon Why I Fired Jim Comey letter. Word is, the Shart House Counsel gave this draft a grade of "Are you fucking insane, do you WANT to go jail?" so I can only imagine he wrote something along the lines of "You seek justice, Jim, and I would prefer to obstruct it. You're fired."

Scandal in KKKris Kobach's Kooky Kulling Komission, as members were caught doing their sensitive guvmint bizness over personal email, leaving data open to hacking and violating the Presidential Records Act! Luckily, all those voices that spent years assaulting HRC over her private email server immediately condemned Kobach, and demanded accountability!

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA. If you believed that last sentence for even a fleeting moment, please contact me, I have some real estate opportunities I'd like to share with you.

The Marmalade Shartcannon declared a day of prayer, and then, godly fella that he is, he announced he was repealing DACA protections, because his is a God only for the White and Shitty.

I should clarify. He sent his Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, out to announce the repeal, because he's not man enough to do his own dirty work. Sessions, of course, was more than willing. As the shit-eating grin he wore at the announcement showed, maintaining the supremacy of the White and Below-Average is his life's work.

Some speculated Drumpf didn't fully understand the ramifications of his decision, others thought he would hold DREAMers hostage, perhaps in a large cage over a lava pit, in exchange for funding for his Big Stupid Wall.

Mostly, he just seems to dislike being called "mean" just because of all the wanton cruelty and whatnot. Dumb shit seems to believe he'll get credit for signing a bill rescuing these kids from his own repulsive decision. Who's he gaslighting harder, us or himself?

A bunch of the cast-off goons from Team Shart got new gigs this week, congratulations! Spicey Sean joins the speaking circuit, because I guess people like to sit in chairs and hear lectures on Lying and Hiding in Bushes. (If, for whatever reason, you feel the need to enjoy even more mean spirited laughter at Sean's expense...here ya go.)

Corey Lewandowski's apparently going to be a visiting fellow at Harvard in the fall, filling the void left by the venerable Max Burgenstadt, the professor who taught "Beating Up Female Reporters" for lo these past six-and-twenty years, before his tragic death in a biscuits-and-gravy eating competition.

Meanwhile, Reince Priebus shaved his head, filed his teeth to points, and took a job managing a Roller Derby team under the name The Pubik Herr.

And even as some fuckheads move on, fresh new fuckheads spring up to take their place, for such is the Circle of Dookie. The nominee to lead NASA is a climate-change-denying congressdope so shitty even Marco Rubio's like "My standards are microscopic, but we can do better here." And of course the nominee to head the Civil Rights division at DoJ isn't so hot on the whole "Civil Rights" thing.

I guess some Russian politician went on teevee to say, "Y'know....we've got all this Kompromat on that fellow with the awkwardly small fingers, just lying around. Frankly, it's cluttering up the Kremlin. We should release that shit." I'm with you, Comrade!

USAToday dropped an expose on all the CEOs and lobbyists and purveyors of finger-lengthening treatments paying for access to the Grifter in Chief via his expensive private golf clubs. I certainly remember hearing a whole lot of kvetching about pay-to-play politics from Republicans last year, so I bet they get right on this.

(Seriously. AMAZING real estate opportunities. Call me.)

Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes, who we haven't heard from for awhile, (Because he was really givin' it to a whole bunch of pigs. Like, he's the Ham Hammer.) screamed a little bit about throwing around subpoenas from the investigative committee he recused himself from. Poor Devin blunders about like a non-funny Mr. Bean...by which I mean, he's basically just a giant clod.

Oh, here's some good shit. GOP Rep. Dave Reichert announced his retirement from the kinda-swingy Washington 8th! We've been waiting for the stampede of Republican retirement announcements to begin, it's a great sign of a potential midterm wave. Congressmen are kind of like livestock that way, they get fidgety before a big storm.

I guess the Not-So-Great Dictator decided to throw a little tantrum at Mitch n' Paulie, cuz he's still mad they didn't let him take away millions of folks' health care. In a meeting with congressional leaders regarding all that nutty must-pass September legislation, SCROTUS rejected multiple GOP propositions (even shushing poor Mnuchbag) before accepting Chuck n' Nancy's opening proposal, because DEALS.

To rub a little salt in the wound, he even let Princess Ivanka swing by the meeting, probably to sell Mitch some shitty high heels she had made in Bangladesh. "They're actually made...from turtle skin," she sneered, as a weeping McConnell forced his withered foot into the tacky, too-small shoe...

He then flew off to North Dakota, where he told everybody how cool his friend Heidi Heitkamp is. I'm sure Presidents talk up vulnerable senators from the opposing party before elections all the time. He was in ND to shill tax reform, pledging that the days of the US being the highest-taxed nation on earth were over! I guess it's easy to promise to change things...to the way they already are. Maybe next he'll pledge to put nougat in Snickers bars.

(Oh, and The Misshapen Traffic Cone made history in that speech, becoming the first American President to Get 31 Flavors of Creepy About His Own Daughter in North Dakota! Congrats, you creepy old man!)

The Republican Party is...displeased. Lou Dobbs waggled his jowls disapprovingly at Ryan for being a RINO. WaPo tells us Steve Bannon and Mark Meadows have begun plotting replacing Ryan as Speaker of the House, possibly with the reanimated remains of Barry Goldwater, wearing a skin suit crafted from grafts lifted from Newt Gingrich's ass.

Seriously though. There are all kinds of behind-the-scenes pieces about how pissed Republicans are right now. Read 'em, they're like porn.

It'll be extra hilarious when Chuck n' Nancy say "Thanks for shitting on you own team, bro, you're still not getting any wall money!" and give Stephen Miller an atomic wedgie.

As Florida braces for Irma, Bloated Scatmuncher Rush Limbaugh rants about how...hang on...how hurricane warnings/preparedness are...some kind of...conspiracy to push the Illuminati's climate change hoaxspiracy and...fuck, I don't know, maybe he's back on pills. Oh, and you'll be pleased to learn the airlines are price-gouging the living fuck out of people fleeing the storm.

Our President, ever the insightful analyst, calls Irma "Not good." Must've found out it was headed to a property he owns.

And Facebook sez "Oh hey, we sold a bunch of targeted ads to a Russian trollbot farm. Sorry about the never-ending global crisis that ensued in the aftermath. Our bad." (This blog post will resume as soon as I have finished weeping.)

Pity poor Gary Cohn. Like all the other pathetic remoras of this Vichy regime, Gary was forced to eat shit three meals a day, with maybe some rabbit turd trail mix for a snack, but by golly, it'd all be worth it when he got appointed Fed Chair!

Well, now Dorito Mussolini's mad at Gary because Gary didn't have his back when he talked about how deceptively cuddly Nazis are, and Gary's Fed appointment dreams seem to have floated away like ashes from a burning cross.

Did I say "pity" Gary Cohn? I meant, "Point and laugh at Gary Cohn." I'm buying him a t-shirt that says "I collaborated with amoral racist monsters, and I all got was this irremovable blight on my very soul."

I invite you to peruse this touching tale of unshakable loyalty given by one terrible person to the worst person in the world. It will bring a tear to your eye, but the tear will be made of blood, and will it will burn to the touch.

Didja see that one story about Russians dumping fat stacks of money in in the big anti-immigrant President's pocket in order to give birth in his properties, granting their kids American citizenship? WHAT WILL SHERIFF JOE THINK?

And hey, Campus Rapists! Good news! Betsy DeVos has your back, dudes! Go ahead and roofie that red solo cup, bro! Soon it'll be harder than ever to hold you to account! MEN'S RIGHTS!

Shart, Jr had his closed door meeting with Senate staffers. Bright young lad that he is, he's decided "I tried to collaborate with Russia, but it didn't work out" is his best line of defense. I look forward to the trials.

And now Dennis Rodman's offering to mediate between his two chums, Kim Jong-un and Shart Garfunkel. Great. We can have a peace summit with those three, the Hamburgler and Left Shark. THANK GOD WE'RE SAVED

...and now Wikileaks is saying Seth Rogan and the CIA plotted to overthrow the North Korean government.

Nope. I refuse to believe this anymore. I'm in, like, a Truman Show situation here, and all this is being manufactured to drive me nuts because ratings have been down. Well GOOD AFTERNOON GOOD EVENING AND GOOD NIGHT, says I.

The Blog Site is Finally Live/Some thoughts on Snowflakes...

Hey y'all!

The blog website is up and running! I wanted you folks to among the first to know! Check it out:

Showercapblog.com

All the old rants are there, plus some fun new stuff you haven't seen before. Stop by, let me know what you think.

And I wanted to thank everyone here at DU for your support...I never would've taken this plunge without you! Thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoy the site!

I wrote a little something different for the launch. (We'll be back to the rant/roundups soon enough, trust me) There a couple of points that will make more sense on the site, as they involve links, but here ya go:


Ever been called a "Snowflake?"

'Course you have. That's the go-to play in the Cult45 toolkit. "Go back to your SAFE SPACE, SNOWFLAKE," screeches the little Trumpkin, who then high-fives himself.

I get a kick out of it, personally. Hey, if y'all want to whoop and holler, you have my blessing. To me, it's a little bit like Bart Gunn talking shit on Butterbean after this, but go ahead, gloat your faces off.

The idea, near as I can figure it, is that we're...what? Fragile? Ineffective? Wilting and weak, melting away at the slightest exertion?

Um.

Have y'all been paying attention these last few months?

You've got Fat Q*Bert in the White House and GOP majorities in both Houses of Congress, and yet, they've managed nothing but defeat after humiliating defeat. The pages keep flying off the calendar, and, improbably and hilariously, they have not one significant legislative accomplishment to their credit.

Now, why do you suppose that is?

I'll give you a hint; it starts with S and rhymes with "Toe Cakes."

I remember, as I'm sure many of you do, being absolutely fucking terrified of Donald Trump wielding the power of the American Presidency. Two days after the election, he's tweeting about protesters being paid and incited by the media...fucking hell. This is some straight 1984 shit, he's trying to rewrite reality in real time. And if anybody has the power to get away with that, it's Goddamn President of the United States, right?

And worse still, watching his approval ratings climb in those early days following the election..."My God, he's gonna wipe his ass with the Constitution, and the people will cheer every step of the way."

Scary motherfuckin' days, weren't they?

Looking back now, the better part of a year later, I'm not gonna blow smoke up your ass and say things are great (they aren't) but...well, at least it's not as bad as it once looked like it could be.

Not for want of trying on Il Douche's part, God knows. That dime store dictator came out with both (tiny) fists swinging.

Right out of the gate, Racist Travel Ban, holy fucking shit. Smallhands Magoo climbed atop the Resolute Desk and shouted "Let's see what this so-called Constitution of yours has GOT, bitches! COME AT ME, DEMOCRACY!"

And when the courts said, "Not so fast, you Turd," he attacked the entire damn judicial branch. Fuck only knows what might've happened if we hadn't stood up and said "BACK AWAY FROM THE CHECKS AND BALANCES, SCUMBAG!"

But we did stand up.

Do you remember that weekend, friends? Looking back, that's maybe the point in time when we started to turn this thing around. Do you remember the thousands who unhesitatingly rushed to the airports to join the protests? Do you remember the lawyers offering their services, pro bono, to the victims of Stephen Miller's wettest dream?

We told every one of those would-be autocrats that night, that we weren't havin' this shit. We let 'em know we were not going to sit meekly at home while this sack of shit and his goons tore down everything that makes this nation great.

And if we hadn't...if we hadn't stood up that night...where would we be today? The President is an authoritarian bully at heart. He was gonna keep pushing and pushing until somebody stopped him, and if nobody stopped him...fuck. I mean, we'd find out soon enough about the illegal behavior of some customs agents in those chaotic early hours...who knows what could have happened if we hadn't drawn that line in the sand, and held it.

Well, we'll never know. Because we DID resist. And Miller can whine and bitch about how the President's authority "will not be questioned" all he wants. We questioned. We pushed back. And we won. (To be clear, a watered-down version of the travel ban has since been enacted, but this was still a major setback in the regime's assault on the rule of law.)

In the end, the institutions of our Democracy will only ever prove as strong as the people who prop them up when they're attacked.

Well, we keep on turning out to prop them up, don't we?

Not bad for a buncha whiny Snowflakes.

We've turned the entire Democratic Party into a full-time, steam-powered, shit-kicking, Trump-resisting machine. Remember what happened when Elizabeth Warren voted to confirm Ben Carson as HUD secretary? She was playing the conventional politics of the day as she understood them, but We the People said "Nah nah nah. RESIST EVERYTHING. And not only Warren, but every Senate Dem went from "we'll work together where it makes sense" to "You get a fat fuckin' plate full of nothing, and you'll like it."

Because they followed us.

They. Followed US.

And the result? Lil' Donnie Second-Place wound up spending what little political capital he could claim just getting his cabinet confirmed. Days of brutal headlines just for the sake of his shitty Education Secretary. That Puzder guy backed out altogether. (bet you forgot about that one, didn'tcha? SO MUCH WINNING WE CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE WINNING.)

And Donnie's been trapped in a downward spiral ever since.

OUR BIGGEST WIN TO DATE

Can you reach back through the past nine months worth of unabating chaos to last winter, when Paul Ryan and co. woke up and realized "Holy fuck we can do whatever we fucking WANT," fantasizing about having a bill repealing Obamacare on President Shartcannon's desk to sign ten minutes after the inauguration ceremony?

I tell you what, Resistors, I know it's felt like the Bataan Death March so far, and we've got a long, brutal slog still in front of us, but let's take a moment here to enjoy a good sturdy gut laugh at that little bit of conservative hubris.

Golly, that was brutal fight, wasn't it? But we refused to allow their preferred narrative to take root. (Remember Tom Price's sad little attempt to issue his own "score" to compete with the CBO's?) We kept the focus, unrelentingly, on the millions who'd lose their access to health care, and the thousands who'd lose their very lives.

...and we beat 'em. The number one Republican priority for years, the thing they've been salivating to destroy from the moment of its creation, they had the votes, and they couldn't get it done.

And how'd that happen?

Snowflakes, brother, SNOWFLAKES. We protested, we called, we marched, we faxed, we gave those Republican congressfucks such an earful at their town halls that most of 'em won't even hold the damn things anymore, we gave them no peace.

When the dust settled, Ryan and McConnell were unable to deliver any bill, however "skinny" to Shartboy's eager-if-tiny hands. Half the year was gone. Hundreds of House members suddenly found themselves on the hook for a "yes" vote on a piece of shit bill with 17% approval that didn't even become fucking law. And the headlines blared "GOP Can't Govern."

For Snowflakes, we certainly get shit done.

FOOT SOLDIERS IN THE WAR ON REALITY

If I can get back to those duelling CBO/Price scores for minute...that's actually a fantastic example of this administration's increasingly desperate campaign to reorder reality to their own liking when reality is inconvenient. If the CBO score sucks, well, just pull your own number out of you ass!

Insidious as such behavior is, you certainly understand the appeal it holds for this bumbling swarm of serial fuckups. In the real world, the Trump regime is a catastrophic failure, almost comically ineffective, historically disliked and disapproved of, unable to either walk OR chew gum, Sarah Sanders' repeated protestations to the contrary notwithstanding.

So Drumpf tweets away, imagining he's circumventing the media, building an alternate universe where every derogatory story is "fake news," where he's adored and admired by all, where he's accomplished so much he's the envy of the gents on Mount Rushmore.

Horrifying, that the President of the United States would assault the very truth itself in such brazen fashion.

But, encouragingly....it ain't workin'.

Oh, there's always going to be a dedicated, if dwindling, army of rubes, happy to be told it's raining as those Russian hookers piss on their legs. He'll be able to fool some of the people all of the time, sadly.

Too many. Millions. But not the majority. Indeed, as polling shows, the Shart's War on Reality is backfiring; in his desperation to destroy the media, he's only shredded his own credibility.

Now, how'd THAT happen? With all the power of that bully pulpit backing him, why hasn't Trump been able to mold the narrative to his liking? Why doesn't America believe him when he tells us he's the Hottest of All Possible Shit?

It's those pesky Snowflakes again.

You're not the only one with a Twitter account, Shart-Shart. You're not bellowing unopposed into a void, you've got millions of Resistors riding your ass all damn day long. We fact check you in real time. We show the world you're not merely a liar, but a pathetic, ridiculous one.

And so the assault on the truth has gone about as well the assault on Obamacare. Poll after poll shows the American People recognize their President for the dishonest shitsack he is. And for all his attempts to tear down the media that holds him to account, we trust them more than we do him.

In Trump's War on Reality, we're the foot soldiers opposing him. With every fact check, every article we share, we create more and more space for the truth, pushing the fake news further to the fringe. Oh, and every time a new story in the Russia scandal breaks, we spread it around the world within minutes. If people didn't care about these stories, they'd fade away; instead, they keep the regime mired in scandal.

And so, left exposed in the harsh light of the real world he's so desperate to avoid, Trump's day of reckoning grows ever closer.

One more touchdown for Team Snowflake.

LOOKING AHEAD

Y'know, It really does matter that we keep the Drumpf so historically unpopular. A popular president would have repealed the ACA months ago. A popular president commands his party's loyalty, and can even peel off vulnerable members of the opposition when he needs them. Not Donnie, though. The Manchins and Donnellys were never in play during the health care fight.

Remember when KKKris KKKobach popped up with his little Voter Suppression Brigade, demanding every state hand him terrifying amounts of voter data wrapped up in a pretty pink bow? And how almost every state in the union, even Republican ones, said Shove it Up Your Cheap Fascist Ass, Kris? Maybe that doesn't happen without weeks of steady, heavy, and most of all successful resistance. Maybe if we hadn't turned out at those airports to resist the travel ban...who knows?

Shit, poor Dean Heller can't figure out which way is up anymore.

It's actually difficult to imagine a less powerful President. No one fears or respects him, no one.

And who made that happen?

Shit, you don't even need me to say it anymore.

I'm not saying everything's waffles and blowjobs these days, far from it. The executive branch in this country is stupid fucking powerful, and damage is indeed being done daily. Steve Bannon may be gone, but his merry little band of administrative state deconstructers at the cabinet level - DeVos, Pruitt, Price, Carson, and Tillerson in particular - are tearing our government apart like so much confetti, and it'll take years to clean up the fucking mess.

If it takes years, so be it. We've got what it takes to hang in there, however long our country needs us to. I see people pop up from time to time, worried about "outrage fatigue" and all that, but we haven't worn out yet. If anything, we've got the wind at our backs.

We are IN THE MOTHERFUCKING STREETS, folks. We march, and let me lay this out nice n' slow for John Kasich, who likes to shoot his fool mouth off about how he can't figure out what Democrats are FOR:

We march for women.

We march for Black Lives Matter.

We march for science.

We march for DREAMers.

We march for the environment.

We march for LGBT rights.

We march for health care.

We march for labor.

We march for each other. For our mothers and fathers, our sons and daughters, our friends and neighbors, for people we've never met, and never will meet.

We march for what's right. For what's decent.

We march so fucking much we're burning through sneakers quicker than George Soros can buy 'em for us. (That's a joke, all ye angry Trumpkins.)

And when the President of the United States calls for HIS people to turn out in the streets?

Crickets. With the massive megaphone at his disposal, he turns out a handful where we've turned out MILLIONS.

If you haven't noticed, he's stopped even trying.

And when he travels, he doesn't book the enormous stadiums anymore. No, the venues keep getting smaller, and he can't fill even those.

But it's more than that. We're the ones financing the ACLU and the SPLC as they fight these bastards in the courts. We're the ones subscribing to every newspaper we can get our hands on as their journalists break story after story, burying the corrupt fuckwads in crippling scandal.

(That's why I get an extra little kick out of the "Paid Protesters" trope. Like, Little Man, we are FUNDING this Resistance.)

So call us Snowflakes if you wanna. If it makes you feel better while we grind your Idiot Manchild President's administration to a virtual halt, go right on ahead. Call us whatever your precious little hearts desire.

We can handle being called names on the internet. We're battle-tested now. We've got scars. Maybe even an eye patch, but it makes us look cool.

We know there's always another job to do, another fight to win. That's fine. We know how to win these fights now. Next, we're going to stop this massive tax giveaway to the wealthy. Then we're going to drown this idea that the government will ever EVER fund Shartboy's Big Stupid Wall in Grover Norquist's bathtub. We're going to resist every dime these fucks try to cut from the safety net.

We'll lose a few, but we'll send the entire collaborating Republican Party sheepishly skulking before the midterm electorate with their failure-filled resumes. The map is tough and the gerrymandering is potent, but we're gonna send a whole bunch of these fucks scuttling to the private sector.

And in 2020, we'll take the White House back, most likely from Mike Pence, and undo every single thing Trump and his shitty cabinet did.

Because we're not just Snowflakes, we're Patriots, fighting to restore the great country we love so very much.

We're the American People, and we've never been stronger.

History's gonna need a bigger dustpan.

P.S.

Oh, one last thing for all you trolls giddily tossing your silly little snowflake insults about:

We get it. You hate us. You watch tv shows and listen to radio hosts and read websites that screech at you all day long to hate us, and then you turn around and give your money and your votes to folks who laugh at you and never do one fucking thing with the power you give them other than make rich people richer.

And as your SCROTUS has attacked the press, the judiciary, the Congress, the intelligence community, the Justice Department, you've cheered every bit of it, which...is actually fantastic. It's stripped away once and for all the veneer that you give a damn about this country and its people, and your entire ideology stands unmasked as simply Fuck the Other Team.

Awesome. So we're taking Patriotism back from you, forever. We're claiming the Constitution, too, and next time you try to invoke it, we'll remind you how eager you were to flush it down the toilet, just to protect the cheap crook you admire for reasons that elude us, and how giddy you've been to surrender our precious freedoms to this least worthy of wannabe despots.

See, before last November, we really wanted to believe the best of you, that you were just victims of the ten thousand grifters prowling around in the right wing media/political complex.

We didn't understand how genuinely nasty y'all are. We took our eye off the ball. We thought there was no way this Dry Cat Turd of a Man could win the White House, because...well, because we believed too much in the fundamental decency of Republican electorate. Surely, with all their loudly-trumpeted Christian values, they couldn't possibly back this pussy-grabbing, charity-robbing, vendor-stiffing, race-baiting, Nazi apologist! It would betray everything they claim to believe in!

Well. Now we know.

Now that we understand just how low you're willing to go, just know...we're never taking our eyes off you again.

You've successfully transformed a generation of casual political junkies into lifelong activists. Congratulations.

We'll stop the next Trump before he can get started. And we'll never, ever give you fucks the keys again.

You can set your fuckin' watch to THAT.


Thanks folks! Don't forget! Showercapblog.com!

Buckle up, folks...this one'll take awhile...

What the SHIT, y'all? The news this week is like they took the guy from the Munch Scream painting and crucified him to a live yak with a staple gun. And then they turned the yak loose in a china shop.

You got floating gangs of fire ants rampaging through Houston, Wells Fargo's setting 'em up with fake accounts, Alex Jones says they're Phony Crisis Ants Paid by George Soros, and Erik Prince wants to hire them to take over the Afghanistan War.

FUCK.

Fine. Let's start muckin' through this shit.

The EPA inspector general will be looking into Scott Pruitt's extensive taxpayer-funded travel between D.C. and his home state of Oklahoma. Don't tell Mrs. Pruitt, but I hear Scotty 2 Haughty's got himself a little oil well on the side.

That's not a metaphor, by the way, it's a literal oil well. That he fucks.

The Marmalade Shartcannon touched down in Houston to survey the damage from Hurricane Harvey, and -

Wait, that's not right. Houston voted for Hillary. Drumpf went to Corpus Christi, he won there. And it was miles from all those soggy, desperate, suffering folks. This way was better. He wouldn't get any mud on his too-long necktie, and he wouldn't run the risk of instinctively ordering his Secret Service protection detail to instantaneously deport any shelter-seeking brown-skinned he happened upon. (John Kelly had warned him that would look bad for the cameras, and had made him write it 25 times IN CURSIVE before he was allowed his second scoop of ice cream.)

Anyway, the outing turned out to be more fun than Lil' Shart-Shart imagined! He got to throw himself a little rally, and talk about how big his crowd was, and he didn't have to meet any victims at all! As an added bonus, he even found an opportunity to advertise his crappy hats! BUSINESSMAN MAGIC!

Somehow he managed to lie about something the entire fucking world watched him do, claiming he saw the the devastation first-hand when...I mean, how else can I end this sentence?...when he...just...didn't. At all.

Of course, he also told the press that Finland bought billions of dollars worth of fighter jets from Boeing, and, again...that was not a thing that actually occurred in real life.

From the depressingly-necessary So-Evil-You'd-Think-It's-Made-Up Files, ICE has requested permission to destroy documents relating to silly little trifles like solitary confinement, sexual assault, or the death of human beings in their custody.

Maybe we can work out some sort of compromise, where ICE agrees to keep digital records, but they're allowed to shred any docs stained with actual human blood. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHY DOES ANYONE FEEL COMFORTABLE EVEN ASKING THIS QUESTION IN 21ST CENTURY AMERICA?

Anyhow, the Hip New Trend in Republican politics is VIOLENT THREATS! A Georgia GOP doughboy suggested that a black democrat could "go missing" in the swamp if she kept advocating for the removal of Confederate monuments! Haw haw haw!

Not to be outdone, an older, crustier Missouri fellah, ironically named "Warren Love," suggested a statue vandal be strung up from the nearest tree, cuz disrespecting his Shitty White Guy Supremacy culture is a CAPITAL OFFENSE, got it? TRAITOR STATUE > HUMAN LIFE.

Speaking of jagoffs, two of America's Most Punchable Turdweasels are fighting! Chris Christie sez Ted Cruz is an asshole for his disaster-funding-for-me-not-thee hypocrisy and Cruz sez Christie is an asshole for...pointing out how full of shit Ted Cruz is?

Boys, you're both complete and total rectal boils. You're two of the worst men in the whole fucking country. You should meet in the middle, shake hands, and leave the United States forever, you pathetic, dishonest, cheap, goons.

Princess Ivanka managed to disappoint the handful of rubes who somehow haven't seen through her bullshit yet, backing her dad's reversal of an Obama-era equal pay rule. Though she does support allowing women to spend an equal amount of Daddy's money as her two idiot brothers. Word is, she's seeking congressional sponsors for her Roll Back Eric's Allowance Act.

And Eric's trying to gin up (not THAT gin, don't get excited, Steve) sympathy for his Scumfuck Dad, whinging that all the criticism might make him "suicidal."

Hey Eric. Considering your Pa's shitty policies have led to real people committing real suicide under ICE detention, you can just sit in the corner and fuck yourself. Forever.

Hey, didja see Jim Bakker threatening to start a Civil War if his God Emperor gets impeached for his many crimes? Look, Jimbo...you can start your war if you really wanna, but the Drumpf coalition is down to just the most gullible rubes, so good luck marshaling your Dumfuck Army.

Shit, all we'd need to beat y'all is a fake Craig's List ad, saying John Podesta hired a bunch of fake revolutionaries to infiltrate your base and Jade Helm ya when you're not looking. You'd take care of yourselves in twenty minutes.

Speaking of our country's seemingly limitless supply of fake Christians, I see a bunch of Evangelicals decided a massive humanitarian crisis was the appropriate backdrop for a big "In case you forgot, we sure do hate LGBT folks" announcement.

Great. I bet Kim Davis bought a cupcake to celebrate. In the future, when you call something a "Nashville Statement," you fucking well best have unearthed some unreleased Waylon Jennings tapes, you fucks.

Julian Assange, having grown sick of the stale Andes mints in the Ecuadorian Embassy (GET IT?) recruited Putin's favorite Congressstooge, Dana Rohrabacher, to swap one of them sweet sweet Presidential pardons in exchange from Dorito Mussolini's favorite thing: Being Told What He Wants to Hear. And now Dana's maybe getting hauled before the Senate Intelligence Committee, the poor goon.

Dumbass gave a speech about "tax reform." Like every other Republican in the country, it was all hot air and horseshit the comes down to "Giving our donor class a fat sack of money, and maybe the rest of you can go out to Red Lobster once, so long as you don't order drinks or dessert."

Betsy DeVos hired another fox to guard another henhouse? Yeah, yeah, that's what the government does now, I guess. Rex Tillerson's deconstructing WAY more of the the administrative state than YOU are, Betsy, bet you're jealous!

In what is either the pinnacle of human cluelessness or perhaps just gerrymandering-born hubris, some within the GOP apparently want to repurpose a billion bucks worth of disaster funding to build Shart Garfunkel's Big Stupid Useless Wall.

I say go for it, just be sure to hold your rollout press conference in Houston.

On the Russian investigation front, things are going...ridiculously bad for Team Shart. Like, supporter-character-in-a-slash-flick bad.

We found out Bashful Bob Mueller's done a little teaming up with New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, pooling info and resources in digging through Paul Manafort's long career full of shady dealings. Since the President can neither pardon state-level crimes, nor fire a state's AG, this had to set a few sets of knees a-knockin'.

Good.

And somebody's leaking random words now, from Manafort's smartphone notes from the famous Don Jr Fuck YEAH I Wanna Collaborate with Russia meeting. Words like "Donor" and "RNC" allegedly in (lightning strike, ominous piano chords) CLOSE PROXIMITY!!!!

I dunno. Words? Is that all? What next? Adam Schiff and Devin Nunes on a Ouija Board?

On the other hand, the Russian-American lobbyist from the meeting has testified before Mueller's grand jury, according to reports, so we're finally getting these fuckers on the record under oath. Shart, Jr's big interview's just around the corner. Let the perjury changes, and accompanying witness-flipping, begin at last!

Speaking of Jr, I guess President Gout called up Chuck Grassley, chair of the committee that's about to interview his idiot son, just to shoot the breeze about how much he fucking loves ethanol. "Oh yeah, Chaz, I'm rubbing it all over my body even as we speak. Can't get enough of the stuff." I only hope Robert Caro sticks around long enough to document the life of this Zen Master of the Art of Politics.

Not everyone's happy with Rugged Robert's progress, of course. The folks over at Fux Nooz are all "Unnnnnh. It's been SIX WHOLE MONTHS, haven't you gone through the decades worth of financial crimes yet? Get this shit over with, it's not like anyone's a Democrat or anything."

...in an alternate reality (which am I fighting like hell to get to), Gowdy Doody spent the day bellowing on cable that Democrats are using hurricane relief efforts to distract from BENGHAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIII.

Also, the Wall Street Journal tells us the Velveeta Urinal Cake's legal team has been passing Mueller notes during class saying stuff like "Did SCROTUS obstruct justice yes or no," but they've already checked the no box, or "Who're you gonna believe, the career law enforcement officer everyone trusts, or the guy who gets caught in fresh lies every other week?"

I bet that works, guys. Keep it up.

Ooooooo...what's this now? Late from the Daily Beast? Mueller has joined up with the IRS' Criminal Investigations Unit? And they're walking in slow-motion down some hallway together, looking all badass, like maybe Mueller's taking his tie off and tying it around his head like a bandana?

This likely means the investigation has access to those mysterious, elusive tax returns. SEXXXXY.

And Sheriff David Clarke resigned today, to spend more time opening Cracker Jack boxes in search of new shiny baubles to pin to his shirt.

Wait, look out. Politico reports Sheriff Dave will join the Drumpf administration soon, because Donnie Darko doesn't need to see the rest of your resume when you've got "We killed a man by denying him water" and "A baby died in my jail. A FUCKING BABY" on top.

Bloomberg gave us a deep dive into the Kushner family's massive debt problem, and BOY HOWDY are those idiots good n' righteously fucked.

Anyway, it's totally normal, and totally safe, to entrust a massive chunk of our nation's foreign policy, and also to grant high-level security clearance, to a dude with no diplomatic experience and hundreds of millions of dollars in debt that he seems completely incapable of paying off? I mean, there's no WAY the scion of a notoriously corrupt family would barter away the national interest to get out from under HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF DEBT, RIGHT? RIGHT?

Well, America, you wanted the government run like a business.

A Fox poll sez that 40% of Americans and a horrifying-if-unsurprising 75% of Shart voters believe the media is a bigger threat to America than white supremacists. Right after a white supremacist terrorist drove a car into a crowd of Americans, and fucking MURDERED ONE.

Roger Ailes, wherever he's burning right now, created history's most effective brainwashing apparatus, the evil fuck. We've known for awhile now the indoctrination runs so deep as to be logic-proof, but holy shit...it's TERRORISM-PROOF? No wonder we can't get that approval under 30%, these drones remain unmoved in the face of terrorist murder. Fucking hell.

Speaking of the Rube Army, the Twitters blew up with a bot-led kerfuffle about people gettin' all pissy about Obama golfing during Katrina, which of course happened before he was president. Meanwhile, some far-right site used a years-old photo in an attempt to make people think Black Lives Matter protesters obstructed rescue efforts in Houston.

Again, a lot of this is trolls and bots, so don't waste your time yelling at a Russian tweet-computer. On the other, this stuff trickles down to the kind of cheddar-brained moron who shoots up a pizza joint because he thinks Hillary Clinton runs a child sex slavery ring out of the basement, so...heaven help us.

Our dirtbag Treasury Secretary's making some noises about walking back the commitment to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill with Harriet Tubman, because Money is for White Folks in this administration. That guy's such a Mnuchbag.

Having utterly failed to improve any Americans' lives* during his time in office, The Man With Phalangeal Stunting seems to have decided to go in the other direction, hard. So now he's simply using every mechanism at his disposal to hurt the people his base hates, in the hopes that nobody in the Rust Belt notices the factories and mines aren't reopening so long as there are no transgender soldiers navigating mine fields outside Kandahar.

In addition to the transgender military service ban, Fox tells us Baron Poostain Harkonnen plans to end DACA, as soon as this week. Even warned of the economic consequences, Shartboy is absolutely desperate to throw a "win" to his base, the Shittiest White People the 21st Century Has to Offer.

Speaking of hurting people, Tom Price's HHS department announced massive cuts to Obamacare outreach programs, because the United States government doesn't want its citizens to know about the health care they're legally entitled to.

Had to read that sentence over a few times...nope, it's true.

Is this, finally, what conservatism has come to? "No, we can't solve your problems, but we can fuck with other people's lives so much that your situation looks better by comparison?"

Perhaps fearing he had too much support, the same President who makes the Secret Service pay to piss at his golf courses on the weekends announced he's cutting the federal workforce's coming raises. Just taking a little money out of thousands of families' pockets, no biggie. All while calling for a massive transfer of wealth upwards via a tax cut which will benefit himself and his shitty, shitty, kids.

And a late-breaking WaPo report, sourced by the usual bajillion anonymous staffers and friends, says Smallhands Magoo is getting all mad at his shiny new Chief of Staff, John Kelly, who makes him behave like a big boy, and doesn't let him see his Klan buddies, even though he can still sneak around and call Steve Bannon when the mean old "Church Lady**" isn't watching.

There's more. Always. People are quitting at State, quitting the RNC, quitting the President's cyber security panel. Chemical explosions rock Houston. If fully expect a number of Kaiju to emerge from the seas any day now, to do battle in our greatest cities.

...maybe I shoulda paid more attention that that scruffy fellah who used to come to my campus and yell that the End was Near.

This is the part where I'd normally say I need a drink, but that would not be true tonight. I need eight drinks.

*Ok. Joe Arpaio. I'll grant that ONE.

**Yes, there are members of the team governing our nation who refer to General Kelly as "The Church Lady," because he wants run President to act like a goddamn grown-up, it is a fucking MIRACLE we're not all wandering around an apocalyptic wasteland right now.

No rant tonight, alas...

...because I'm REALLY REALLY close to launching the website! Spending the evening crossing some t's and dotting some i's.

Working up some fun new content that I think (hope) y'all will get some kicks from.

ANYHOW, I know there's been some deeply cray shit going on the last couple of days, and I hope to have a piece ready for you tomorrow evening, or maybe even afternoon.

Thanks so much for all your support these last few months, folks.

Love,

TheFerret, aka Shower Cap (look for more from that name very soon...)

Houston drowns while Drumpf Tweets

I try to take the weekends off, y'know?

Watch some baseball, read a little, sleep in...step away from the news. And then I pick it back up on Monday, and it's like every horror-movie scream in history stacked one on top of the other, blasted directly into my brain via Beats By Dr. Dre.

Madness. Motherfucking MADNESS.

Now, I know the insanity comes at us fast and hard these days, and it's easy to lose track of shit, but I imagine we'll be talking about the Mother of All Friday News Dumps for years to come, right?

"The Gulf Coast is about to be hit with the most severe hurricane this nation has seen in a decade, GOOD LUCK and bythewaywe'rebanningtransgendersoldiersandpardoningJoeArpaioandwefiredtheNaziguy ANYHOW I'VE GOT GOLF, BYE LOSERS!"

Fuck.

Well, Seb Gorka doesn't collect a government paycheck anymore, and that, if nothing else, is good gnus.

Sources say Gorka will now resume work on his long-delayed plan to transfer his brain into a steam-powered mechanical body, in order to fight Hellboy.

...Or he'll just rejoin Breitbart, whichever's easier.

Before we dive into the humanitarian crisis on the gulf coast, can I take a moment to draw your attention to a tragedy that may've flown under your radar amidst all the photos and videos of bravery and human suffering?

I'm told poor Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar are suffering regular "punctures" to their "self-esteem" as they service their turdweasel patriarch's corrupt, chintzy, grifter administration.

So open your hearts and your wallets for these two spoiled adult children of ill-gotten privilege, who've spent their entire lives spending money their shitty parents stole from other people, for their fee-fees have been injured. Of all the many travesties of the Shart Administration, surely this is the greatest*.

*Shut up, kid-whose-mom-got-deported-while-you-were-at-school, THINK OF IVANKA'S SELF-ESTEEM YOU SELFISH BRAT.

If you have any thoughts and prayers left, pour 'em out for poor ole John Bolton, who has lost his access to the Misshapen Play-Doh Manatee under John Kelly's new Keep the Raving Lunatics Away From the Levers of Power initiative.

Bolton finds himself forced to communicate with the President via National Review column, like some common Fux n' Frenz host. Poor fellah. It's especially painful, cuz the Mustachioed One offers a bullshit excuse for weaseling out of the Iran Nuclear deal, even as Donnie Darko presses his intelligence communities for that very thing.

I'd also like to take a moment to salute American Hero Gary Cohn, Sharty McFly's chief economic advisor, who very nearly resigned over his dirtbag boss' Let-us-not-ignore-the-friendly-Nazis-amongst-the-murdering-terrorists remarks after Charlottesville, but...didn't.

Perhaps we can replace one of the fallen confederate monuments with a statue of Gary Cohn telling the press he almost resigned but decided to continue collaborating with his Nazi apologist boss instead, looking expectantly for praise that never comes.

Speaking of Charlottesville, we're finally getting around to arresting some of the more violent scumfucks from that white supremacist riot. I guess if you get caught on video firing a gun into a crowd, or participating in a little Klan gang beatdown, there are consequences, even in Donald Trump's Amerikkka.

...as I write this, SCROTUS hasn't pardoned any of these fucks yet, but we all know how much he hates sharing the headlines with a natural disaster, so, y'know...no promises if you're reading this tomorrow morning.

Ok. The hurricane. Holy shit, folks. 9 trillion gallons of water dumped on the Texas coast. Highways under water. The national guard mobilized. A civilian fleet mobilized like an American Dunkirk. People suffering. People dying.

And the President of the United States tweeting about how well he did in Missouri on election night. Shilling a book by perhaps the only law enforcement officer even MORE murderous than Joe Arpaio.

Oh, and he's still insisting that Mexico will gladly pay us Tuesday for a Big Dumb Wall today. I'll refer you to Vicente Fox on this particular point.

And mega church "pastor" Joel Osteen refuses to open the doors of his Houston Griftplex to flood victims, because Jesus never said anything about ministering to the poor if there was a risk of getting your nice carpet all muddy.

Hey, anybody who still buys the Reverend Joel's phony schtick after this failure of character deserves what they get, in this life or the next, says I.

The Velveeta Urinal Cake reversed an Obama-era policy scaling back the transfer of military-grade weaponry to local police departments, because he watches old videos of the horrifying police response in Ferguson a few years back the way most of us periodically binge the cartoons and sitcoms we grew up on; with a sense of nostalgic whimsy about How the World Oughta Be.

Lemme get back to that Arpaio pardon real quick, cuz...holy shit. Dude sets up a concentration camp on American soil, tortures people in it, fakes an assassination attempt, jails critical journalists, costs the state millions in payouts, defies the law, sticks his wrinkly, racist-ass, old-man middle finger up at a court order, gets convicted, expresses not one ounce of remorse for any of it...and gets a Presidential pardon.

How toxic is this pardon? Fucking Jeff Sessions, who won't sleep in a bed if it doesn't have white sheets on it, made sure DoJ issued a statement saying "Fuckhead didn't run this by us, we had nothing to do with this shit."

I'm torn here, because on the one hand, this is probably Il Douche's biggest abuse of his power to date...on the other, it's also maybe his biggest accomplishment outside of Gorsuch, and sitting as we are on the brink of September, that is one goddamn pathetic statement.

Now Arpaio's talking about mounting a primary challenge to Jeff Flake...shit, maybe we'll have a Senate with Sheriff Joe and Kid Rock and probably Scott Baio and, oh, let's say Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man. Won't that be a fucking delight?

Ooooo...this one has to hurt. The CCO of Playboy, Hugh Hefner's son Cooper, ranted at length about how embarrassing it is that the Hairplug That Ate Decency once graced their cover.

The U.S. President is an embarrassment to pornographers. Jesus Fucking Christ.

We also found out that the Secret Service, already straining with bankruptcy, spent more than 7 grand on portable fucking toilets during President Shartcannon's 17-day staycation at his New Jersey golf course.

Y'know, the constitution grants the power to tax and spend for the "common defense and general welfare of the United States." I'm not sure where "Shitters for the Secret Service because the President can't stay in the White House for a week at a time" falls on that spectrum, if I'm honest.

And didja see that thing where Bloomberg told us that Team Shart's America Furst immigration crackdown sent home construction prices skyrocketing, to the surprise of only Those Who Think Shane Lives at the End?

Word is, President Scrotum Fungus is mad at his shitty, useless Secretary of State. Low-T-Rex just "doesn't get it, man, he's the establishment, maaaaaaaaaan!" And then Tilly went on the Sunday Shoz, and threw Boss Shart under the bus on his Nazi sympathizin' and whatnot. And Nikki Haley's gettin' all hot n' bothered.

Unsexy Rexy is hardly the only Cabinet Secretary backing away from Dorito Mussolini, by the way. A video of Jim "Angry Puppy" Mattis popped up, and he's talking to a crowd of soldiers, telling 'em, "Hey, shit be cray, I know it, you know it, just don't let the world fall apart, and we'll return to your Regularly Scheduled America in a year or three, pinky swear!"

I see GOP congressdouche Duncan Hunter said, of President Skidmark, "He's an asshole, but he's our asshole." Close, but not quite, Duncan. He's a shitty, incompetent, insecure, anti-American, wannabe-authoritarian shitbag, but he's YOUR shitty, incompetent, insecure, anti-American, wannabe-authoritarian shitbag." And fuck you for making excuses for him.

Speaking of congressfucks, I see Ron DeSantis (R-Vichy) introduced a bill to cut off Bashful Bob Mueller's funding and limit the scope of his investigation, because Ronnie-boy's angling to be a commandant in the secret police in the new world order, I guess.

Boy howdy, the Russia subplot came raging back with a vengeance over the last 24, didn't it?

Late last night, WaPo let errybody know that Drumpf and Co. were actively pursuing a real estate deal in Moscow even as he ran for President.

Following up, clownish mobster/FBI informant Felix Sater (Is he the guy from the Bond movies, or the guy from the Odd Couple, I forget?) got nailed by the Failing New York Times, sending emails to Mikey "Sez Who" Cohen, pushing a deal to get Uncle Vlad Putin on board with building a Drumpf Dower, er, Tower, in Moscow, to show off what a Big Fancy Deal-Maker he is, and make him President. "I will get Putin on this program and we will get Donald elected," Felix boasted.

And WaPo scooped back that Cohen emailed Uncle Vlad's personal spokesman in an effort to kickstart the project.

Weird, innit, that after months of scrutiny on Team Shart's Russia ties, that none of them ever thought to mention this? It's almost like they're lying to us.

And now the subpoenas are flying left and right, and word is Mueller's team is digging into the President's role in crafting the instantaneously-debunked bullshit statement Shartboy Jr made when NYT first uncovered his Please Please Let's Collude meeting from last summer.

Man, I just don't know how Mueller and Co. will be able to prove a pattern of obstruction of justice. Considering that the White House already confessed to influencing the statement in question.

"May You Live in Interesting Times," goes the curse, if I'm not mistaken.

Anyway. President Assclown took a few questions from the press today, making a colossal ass of himself, blathering about how pardoning Sheriff Joe on the eve of a massive hurricane was good for ratings, confusing two female reporters because they were both blonde, and talking about how well Russia and Finland got along during that one war where Russia invaded Finland.

Sigh.

'Member when we weren't governed by rampaging, full-diapered, man-baby? Those were goddamn glorious days, weren't they?

Of course, there must be more that I'm forgetting. There's always more, but the news is like a jackhammer to my brainstem right now, so you'll forgive me if I bow out for the night, won't you?
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