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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 135

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Little Trump Cultist, If Jesus Christ Got Down Off the Cross & Saw This Shit, He'd Take Up Meth

Hey everybody! Well, it's Joe Biden's birthday, and God celebrated by KILLING CHARLES MANSON.

Yeah, that's how crazy shit is these days. That's my OPENING PARAGRAPH.

Anyway. You know the drill. The version with links is available on my site, click here:


See that WaPo article last night? The one about the whole Shart House staff existing in a state of perpetual dread, waiting for Bobadook Mueller to pop out from behind every corner, salivating at the opportunity to subpoena their very souls?

The best, most hilarious part is how Drumpf has allowed himself to be lulled into the comforting fantasy that he's not in any real trouble, and that the whole investigation will be over soon.

Heh. I dig that, actually. It'll be sweeter if he doesn't see it coming.

And while Shart Garfunkel's base shrinks, the true fanatics are loyal as ever. I'm sure you've seen the "Christ on the cross" guy by now, right? "If Jesus Christ got down off his cross, told me Trump owes Putin so much money that he spent his last vacation hanging wallpaper in the Kremlin, and then stomped on my nutsack for being such a gullible moron, I'd tell Jesus to lick my hairy bunghole!" or something.

We get it. It's a cult. Congrats on being such a good cultist, bro. Free will is for CUCKS.

Meanwhile, the Scrotumrot in Chief focused all the awesome might of the Presidential bully pulpit on a single American citizen, exercising his free speech rights, which is a normal thing all Presidents do.*

What's that? Why, yes, the target was indeed a black athlete, HOWEVER DID YOU GUESS? The Leader of the Free World has nothing better to do than suggest Marshawn Lynch lose his livelihood for the high crime of...kneeling, quietly, in protest.

Il Douche also went after Jeff Flake some more, which is, I shit you not, being used by his desperate, depraved, media defenders as "proof" that he isn't even a wee bit racist, cuz look, he's a dickbag to a white guy, too. FAIR N BALANCED!

Buzzfeed reports that, at a private dinner, NSA H.R. McMaster referred to President Weedigits as a "moron," and an "idiot," with the intelligence of a "kindergartner."

Wow. I guess the "H" in "H.R." stands for "HOT TAKE!"

Me, I'm unimpressed. C'mon, H.R., catch up to the rest of the world. When somebody leaks that you've called your boss a "turdbrained multiple rapist," or a "truck stop restroom in a too-long necktie, or "like if you slapped a cheap wig on a donkey's rectal tumor," then maybe you can come over some night and we can play Jenga.

And goddammit, Roy "Why Don'tcha Ditch Trigonometry Class So You Can Come Over and Shave My Back" Moore continues polluting my mind and my twitter feed.

Remember last week when Moore's If-Peter-Lorre Got Stung by a Whole Swarm of Bees lawyer sent his What If We Had Eleven Third Graders Fill Out a Mad Libs Version of a Cease and Desist letter to the Alabama Media Group?

Well, AMG shot back, "Come at me, Pedo-Bro! You are a shit lawyer and if your creepy-ass client wants to have his past dragged up in court, we will HOLD THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN FOR YA."

Similarly, when Sean Hannity oh-so-graciously invited one of Moore's accusers to appear on his Propaganda Hour/Traveling Jug Band Sho, her lawyer told Sean just precisely where he could stick his pedophile-apologizing, victim-blaming "invite."

Now it seems Roy first "noticed" even his wife when SHE was in high school, at a dance recital. I guess before Match.com, we had grown-ass men trolling high school dance shows. GROSS.

Kellyanne Conway, whose soul now visibly drains from her body during every televised appearance, popped by Fux n' Frenz to say "Hell with it, vote for the child molester, the President's taxes ain't gonna cut themselves!"

Kellyanne then belched up an acidic substance which dissolved the notes she'd brought with her, so she decided to wing the rest of the interview. "This is who we are now, Republicans! Pedophiles stealing the world for billionaires! LEAN INTO IT, MOTHERFUCKERS! BETTER TO REIGN IN HELL THAN SERVE IN HEAVEN!!!!!," she screeched, before disappearing in a brimstone cloud.

And of course, Mitch McConnell's moving heaven and earth in search of an Alabama Mulligan**, because Republicans should be given do-overs when they nominate such shitty candidates that they endanger the reddest seats in the Senate. Consequences are for libtards and libtards only.

But it's not just Moore, of course. Shit, y'all, do I need to devote an entire regular section to horrifying stories of men in power abusing women? "Here's Karen with the Male Vileness Report! Looks like we'll need an intermission today."

Should we start with the Oklahoma chair of Tangerine Id Amin's campaign, who pled guilty to child sex trafficking? Or the serial sexual abuser from Ohio who just resigned? He was a "rising star in evangelical politics," so Tony Perkins covered up his crimes, because FAMILY VALUES!

And then there's Charlie Rose. Jesus. Don't click the link if you're still digesting your dinner. For real.

There's even a new Al Franken accuser. C'mon Al, we need our guys to be better than this.

Some new meetings between Shart campaign honchos and foreign officials turned up, because it was a day ending in "y." Junior had himself a little chat with a PutinPal from the Russian banking sector. And Carter Page, Lord of All Hats, met with some Hungarians, but he's pretty sure they just talked about Game of Thrones and artisanal scalp polishes.

The Velveeta Urinal Cake designated North Korea as a "state sponsor of terrorism" today. North Korea retaliated by designating Trump a "bloated moron who looks like a hippopotamus' bridesmaid in his golf clothes."

Today in Schadenfreude, we learned that the Marmalade Shartcannon's hotel business is in the crapper (next to his decency and America's reputation), with prices slashed by as much as 63% since he took office. I guess "Nazi apologist" ain't the best pitch in the hospitality industry.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders just loooooooves pushing people around, doesn't she? Today she made the White House press corp play a little game where they said "something they're thankful for" before they were allowed to do their vital and constitutionally-protected job.

Isn't that CUTE? It would've been nice if all the reporters had answered "Robert Mueller," but at least somebody said "The 1st Amendment." Sarah's so thirsty for real fascism, all she really wants for Xmas is a concentration camp of her very own.

So the Justice Department is suing to stop the Time Warner/AT&T merger, which totally has nothing whatsoever to do with CNN keeping a spotlight on Donnie Two-Scoop's never-ending parade of bullshit, wink wink.

Now, the FCC changed the rules so that the Mercers can buy your town's radio station, tv station, and morning newspaper, and also install speakers in your dog's abdomen that broadcast Bill O'Reilly's album of Xmas standards 24/7, but CNN gets different treatment. Betcha don't feel so cocky about reporting the inauguration crowd size accurately NOW, do ya, Jake Tapper?

And I see Team Shart decided to kick out 59,000 Haitian refugees, who've been living in the USA since the 2010 earthquake. Once again, the 1st Theory of Trumpism holds true: these bastards are incapable of and uninterested in helping anyone, they only know how to hurt people.

On the flip side of that coin, Ten Cent Pol Pot's petty racism may be coming back to bite him in his pasty, mile-wide ass, as refugees from Puerto Rico flee the devastation the President refuses to address, resettling in crucial southern swing states, like Florida.

Wouldn't that be sweet justice, friends? If this petty bigot's reflexive racism realigned the American electorate in just such as a way as to bury his morally bankrupt ideology once and for all?

Let's work towards that day, Resisters. Less than one short year till we get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS...I cannot wait.

*Who could forget the time Jimmy Carter beat up that 8th grader for giving a subpar report on the Camp David Accords?

**Heh. Sounds like an unusually unpleasant sex act, doesn't it?

The American Right: A Coalition of Whiny Nazis, Pedophile Apologists, and Lying Grifters (Ferret!)

Hey there Resisters! I've been away for a few days, putting up the holiday decorations in my nuclear bunker...shit still cray? I bet shit's still cray.

As always, the post'll make more sense with links, so check out my site:


Before we dive into the serious shit, let's allow ourselves a good, sturdy, chuckle at the expense of the Shitty, Whiny, Idiot Nazis of Twitter, (or, "SWINT". Yes, a number of white nationalist internet celebrities, like Richard Spencer, Laura Loomer and Jason Kessler (the Three Stooges of Dopey White Losers Who Believe Themselves to be Genetically Superior Despite Their Own Rather Comically Obvious Mediocrity) even with all their carefully managed plausible deniability games, lost their precious blue checkmarks, and Sweet Merciful Multiracial Lord, they are throwing some hilarious tantrums in response.

Twitter Racist Baked "Milkbath" Alaska got banned outright, probably due to his propensity for holocaust/oven jokes, and he did not take the news well. I say it a lot, but for a "master race," they sure do whinge a whole fuckin' lot.

Anyhow. Sorry "Baked," you don't get be a shitty internet hatemonger anymore. You'll just have to spend more time alone, talking to your mirror, trying to convince yourself the dead-eyed loser with ridiculous hipster hair staring back you is somehow racially superior to a stale Bit-O-Honey, let alone any actual human being.

Hey, you remember that one Drumpf judicial pick? The one who's never tried a case? And failed to disclose that he's married to one of the President's lawyers? And turned out to be a former, ahem, "paranormal investigator?" Remember how we joked about how he'd keep on generating increasingly absurd headlines, presumably until the sun goes out?

Yeah well, turns out the guy wrote some shit praising the good ol' days of the original Ku Klux Klan! Of course he did. By next Tuesday we're gonna find out this dude is actually several marmots in a trench coat.

So, Cowboy Ryan Zinke's being investigated for his Tom Price-esque waste of taxpayer cash on private jets with gold-plated bidets and robot stewardesses and whatnot, but there's a snag. The watchdog over at Interior says it's tough to even conduct their investigation cuz the Z-Man hasn't been keeping records, which I guess is a clever enough way to duck accountability.

So Richard Cordray stepped down as the head of the CFPB, prolly to run for governor of Ohio, and his replacement looks to be Mick "Consumer is Just a Fancy Name for Peasant" Mulvaney, so he'll probably be pushing for rules that allow payday lenders to repossess your grandma's kidneys if you're a day or two late on your payments. Welcome to Gilded Age 2: Debtors' Prison Boogaloo!

The NCAA Women's Basketball champs, the South Carolina Gamecocks, joined the ranks of "Visit the White House? Nope!" alongside the Golden State Warriors and Nobel laureates, because being photographed next to this particular President is a shameful thing and also I bet he smells like cheeseburger sweat and black market hair tonic.

World-Famous Child Molester/Senate Candidate Roy Moore won't debate Doug Jones, so he's leaning heavily on surrogates and supporters these days.

The Moore-heads (And I ain't talkin' about Agnes, AYOOOOOOOO) have gotten quite...creative in their "Vote for Pedo" defenses. One "pastor" claims "more women are sexual predators than men," because any degree of female autonomy feels like assault to the type of dude who never got over the whole "suffrage" thing.

Another apologist claims the dude who had a high school girl pulled out of trig class so he could hit on her is basically like a Fondling Father, which to my surprise, I totally agree with.

Wait, what? She said FOUNDING Father? Oh, well. That's fucking nuts.

Alabama Governor Kay Ivey says By Gum I Believe Roy Moore's Accusers! And that's a good thing to hear an elected Republican say!

But she also says By Gum I Will Vote For Moore Anyway Even Though I Just Said I Believe He Made Multiple Attempts to Rape Children Because Even if Roy Moore is a Child Rapist I Think He'll Vote for Supreme Court Justices I Like and suddenly you don't feel so good about Republican priorities.

Moore's finally paying a price in the polling, as it looks like even Alabama draws the line somewhere on the right side of "child molester." Me, I say don't get complacent, folks. Donate to Doug Jones, let's swing this seat!

For extra fun one of the pollsters found that Littlefinger has a lower approval rating in Alabama than...Obama. I dunno about y'all, but I laugh myself hoarse just thinking about that.

So the Keystone Pipeline leaked a couple hundred thousand gallons of oil in South Dakota this week, but hey, let's get that Keystone XL Pipeline approved, amiright? Fuck, let's skip ahead a few steps, let's do Keystone XXXL from Keystone for Big & Tall Oilmen, and they can run their pipelines straight through every drinking water supply in the Midwest, re-routing all sewage systems directly to Flint, Michigan, just to flaunt the naked, reckless, evil, greed of it all.

Well, the House passed their version of the Money is Just for People Who Already Have It tax "reform bill," so all eyes are on the Senate, where I guess Tom Cotton talked everybody into one last kamikaze assault on the ACA.

See where the tax bill saves The Shart Family Robinson around a billion bucks? That's neat. We're taxing grad school students so that Eric can finally get those platinum calf implants he's had his eye on.

No doubt the populist hordes will be so pleased with the deductions for private jets that they'll happily accept the tax increases on millions of families who earn less that 75 grand.

And Sherrod Brown and Orrin Hatch faced off in the inevitable battle of Dudes With Superfluous Rs in Their Names, because Orrin was spinning the old horseshit about trickle-down economics and Sherrod was all "Hey, that is horeshit you're spinning."

Personally I think the only way to settle this is TONIGHT! AT SURVIVOR SERIES! INSIDE A STEEL CAGE! I predict Senator Brown walks away with a THIRD "r."

Meanwhile, we learned that the Misshapen Traffic Cone has started paying his own legal bills relating to the Russia investigation, because he's a big rich boy who can pull up his own pants and everything.

If this sounds unusually non-grifty for Smallhands Magoo, don't jump to any conclusions. The move is designed to free up RNC money to pay for lawyers for all those aides and assistants who could roll over and send the entire flock of traitorous assclowns to jail.

Now that it's run by the depressingly authoritarian GOP, the FCC repealed an old-ass rule that prevented the media in your hometown from being dominated by a single rich jagoff with an agenda. So now the Mercers can hoover up newspapers as well as tv and radio stations in the same local market. In a couple of years they'll be able to Truman Show your whole fucking community! Sleep tight!

Do you know who's a naughty, naughty boy? Jared Kushner is a naughty, naughty boy! Young Jar-Jr seems to have told some fibs about whether or not he was in contact with WikiLeaks during the campain (Spoilerz, he was! I bet him n' Julian have a lot to talk about, actually...'bout what it's like being a skeevy, fish-eyed freak who makes people cross the street when they see you, for example.)

Anyway Kushner's done a little lying under oath, a little withholding of documents, your basic collusion/obstruction of justice cocktail.

We also found out about yet another Russian attempt to set up a "backdoor meeting" between Putin and Drumpf. This one wound up on Jared's desk, too, but dang if it didn't slip his mind! Too busy bringin' peace to the Middle East, I guess!

How's that going, by the way? Oh.

In a truly shocking bit of news, a high-ranking Drumpf administration official actually resigned once news of his misconduct came to light. "Reverend" Jamie Johnson had been "Director of the Center for Faith-Based & Neighborhood Partnerships at DHS," but it turned out the Partnerships were just for white folks, because Jamie is a super-racist hate beast, which explains how he got the gig in the first place.

If only we could get these standards to apply to Jeff "Too Racist For the 80's" Sessions and Stephen "The School Janitors Stole My Hair" Miller, we'd really be on to something.

Well, the Federalist Society held one of those Annual Gatherings of Rich White Dudes Where They Eat Sushi Off the Body of a Stripper and then Sacrifice Her to Their Dark Gods. It was extra fun this year, because we got to see the WACKIER side of some of the villainous traitors fucking up our nation, how fun!

Neal Gorsuch made a hilarious joke about the famous case where he voted in favor of a trucking company that fired an employee for abandoning his trailer rather than freezing to death, because the way the serfs cling to their silly little lives is so amusing, don't you find, Penelope? (Sips cognac)

But Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was the headliner, with his quips about Russians! The lefty internet got a burr up their ass about this, to which I say, folks, don't let a malicious elfin goober like Sessions troll you. The law's catching up to him sooner rather than later. And he who laughs last...laughs at the disgraced Yokel of Treason as he's carted off in handcuffs.

Well, Al Franken did a bad thing, and we were all very disappointed in him. He apologized, and called for an investigation into himself, aaaaand...we'll have to see if that's good enough. Some think so. Some don't.

We can all agree, I think, that a dude with at least 16 on-the-record accusations of sexual assault, up to and including rape, probably shouldn't take a victory lap at Senator Franklin's difficulties, but, well, nobody's ever accused Shart Garfunkel of a surfeit of self-awareness.

Anyway, all his accusers are back in the headlines, so, nice work, genius. Truly the greatest political tactician of our time.

A Trump branded/managed property in Panama is all tangled up in Russian mafia money laundering, surprising nobody and marking about the 93rd time a member of this administration has been tied to international money laundering. Paul Manafort. Wilbur Ross. Jared. Makes you wonder if the other cabinet members feel awkward and inadequate at office parties when they have no money laundering stories of their own, like an out-of-work actor at an opening night party.

Some navy pilots drew a gigantic dong in the sky above Okanogan, WA. I'm writing this because, y'know, if this whole thing goes south, and the Doddering Dotard gets fucked up on an experimental hair growth serum and sends us into Dr. Strangelove territory, future historians can know that even as the world descended into gibbering, genocidal, madness, we still had enough hope and humanity to look skyward, and, upon finding an enormous wang skywritten there, enjoy a small chuckle.

So the top U.S. Nuclear Commander said he'd resist an illegal launch order from President Manbaby, and while it's not exactly comforting that we have to have these conversations in the first place, at least we can rest easier knowing he won't be able to nuke Rachel Maddow's house if she stumbles across any more of his tax returns.

Also it seems Ivanka decorates her Thanksgiving table with some sort of If H.P. Lovecraft Wrote The Nightmare Before Christmas monstrosity? I like to imagine the Princess sitting down with her translucent-skinned brothers and husband, jumping every time the phone rings, pawing through the gravy boat in search of a Mueller listening device, eventually sitting in stony silence, gazing blankly at the Macy's parade and waiting for the next shoe to drop.

With all the challenges facing our nation, both domestically and abroad, you'll be pleased to learn that your President remains laser focused on...insufficiently grateful black athletes!

Yeah, it seems LaVar Ball refused to lick the presidential butthole, so Boss Shart, with all the might his stubby little fingers could muster, rage-tweeted that he should have left a trio of American citizens, college kids, imprisoned in an oppressive foreign nation until they learned their place.

When you read shit like this, you understand why he's letting Americans suffer and die without access to electricity and clean water in Puerto Rico. After all, that one mayor not only criticized him, but did so...with brown skin!

Music publicist Rob Goldstone dished on the famous Trump Tower meeting, saying young Jar-Jar was SUPER pissed afterwards because he showed up wanting hot, steamy, collusion, but those prudish Russkies just wanted to talk about boring ol' Magnitsky sanctions, and cuddle for a bit, leaving his balls blue...er than usual.

Yeah, folks...the insanity's coming at us on hurricane-strength winds these days...but even after writing every one of the preceding paragraphs, I have to say the absolute craziest thing to happen over the last few days was...Carter Page's hat.

I just don't feel safe walking around in a world where a man like Page wears a hat like that.

Bernie Bernstein and the Pedophile of Azkaban, er, Alabama

Hiya everyone. You know the drill. Links version at:


Folks, I know I say it a lot, and perhaps the repetition has stripped the phrase of meaning, but...shit be cray.

How cray? I'll tell you. Some Yodeling Cracker Thumb called 'Blake Shelton' was declared the "sexiest man alive." Dadbod isn't THAT in, okay? If Blake Shelton walks into an Arby's, he is not the sexiest man in that one particular Arby's.

Hey, you remember that Alabama judicial nominee? The one who's never tried a case? And then turned out to be married to one of Orange Julius Caesar's lawyers? Well, it turns out that while he was busy not trying any cases, what he WAS doing was working as a "paranormal investigator."

Sooooo...undisclosed conflict of interest, no experience, and now a ghost chaser. Lifetime federal court appointment. At the rate this guy makes headlines, by Saturday we'll learn he spent the late 90's stalking Judge Reinhold, rifling through his trash cans in hopes of finding old underpants to sniff.

The Simpsons made a joke about Kellyanne Conway, and how she's like Goebbels. It's a pretty good joke, plus by posting about it, I get to link to my Kellyanne Conway page, which I am proud of.

Well, the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Ol' Beauregard, sat down to lie to Congress some more, in the House rather than the Senate this time, cuz Jefferson likes to spice things up! Don't you think it's weird how every time he testifies under oath, his memory has been jogged about whatever happens to have been revealed in the media since his last grilling, but nothing else? I think that's weird.

I dunno. I can't get too mad at Beau anymore. At this point, they're either gonna catch up to him or they're not; I don't imagine the penalties get much worse for lying under oath three times rather than just twice.

With all the unmasking of Gross Dudes with Power sexually harassing/abusing women, we're finally having long-overdue congressional hearings on the issue of sexual harassment in...congress. Hey, did you know that there's a secret slush fund that allows congressmen and their staff to pay off sexual harassment claims? That it allows the accused to remain anonymous? And that it's paid out more than $15 million since 1997? In TAXPAYER MONEY?

Cuz I didn't. We might just need to revisit that particular policy.

The Marmalade Shartcannon announced that, contrary to tradition, he won't be meeting with America's Nobel laureates, because the one thing he does well is avoid situations where he might encounter criticism. Instead, he'll sit down for an interview with the creator of the Trump That Bitch t-shirt, probably.

Shep Smith, from Fux Nooz, elegantly and concisely dismantled the big, dumb, totally phony, completely fabricated, born in the fever swamps of Breitbartistan, Uranium One conspiracy theory. It's really quite lovely to behold. Bookmark the page, so you can link to the video the next time you encounter some slobbering lunatic screeching about Hillary selling eleventy percent of America's uranium to blah blah blah blah blah.

On the other side of the "debate," you have Louie Gohmert and his flowchart, which looks like it was put together by an old roommate of the Unabomber who got kicked out for being "too freaky."

Already riverdancing from tightrope to knife's edge and back again in their frantic attempt to redistribute America's school supply money to the Kochs and Mercers, the GOP brain trust decided to take another pass at destroying Obamacare.

Bless their hearts, they just keep running into that electric fence. Only unlike velociraptors, they choose the same spot every single time.

Like, they started with a bill most people didn't really like, but which didn't have much of a spotlight on it, and said "Hey, let's do that thing where we try taking health care away from millions of people just to make super rich people richer BZZZZZZZZZT hey, ow, who electrified that fence?"

Well, we know how to beat these fucks on this particular field, because we've done it twice before. You know the drill, Resisters. Get on those phones. Melt the Capitol Hill switchboard. Drag these bastards.

Y'know, I'm starting to think Mitch LIKES humiliating losses. Maybe he's like, a legislative submissive, y'know? I bet he's got a dungeon where he makes the Majority Whip tie him up and literally whip him, screaming "Murkowski's a no! McCain demands regular order! Rand Paul demands a floor vote on an amendment to put his dad's face on the ten dollar bill!"

50 Shades of Yertle.

Oh, and don't miss this classic bit with Gary Cohn, where he can't get a room full of CEOs to play along with the facade that giant corporate tax cuts will ever "trickle down" to us serfs.

Lord, what a shitty bill. The corporate cuts are permanent, but if you happen to have the misfortune to be an actual flesh and blood human being? Yours are temporary. By the way, you may remember when House Republicans enacted a special rule that made it harder to raise taxes? Well, they had the Rules Committee waive that little rule, what with all the taxes they'll be raising.

Is Roy Moore STILL in the goddamn news? FUCK. I haven't kept a meal down in a week. I'm really looking forward to the day when I get to stop reading about that malevolent hick forcing himself on teenagers.

Of course a couple new accusers surfaced, surprising nobody. It's almost like "Judge" Roy is a SERIAL SEXUAL PREDATOR.

And we learned Moore and his shitty wife forged a phony letter of support from a bunch of Alabama pastors, many of whom are now angrily demanding to be removed from the "Hellz YES I'm Down with Child Molesters" list.

For extra fun, we get to spend more time with his creepy, jabbering attorney, Trenton Garmon. That's right, you have to learn Roy Moore's Extra-From-The-Hills-Have-Eyes scumbag lawyer's name.

Look at that guy! Looks like the kind of dude who sneaks into gas stations, licks all the hotdogs, puts 'em back on the rollers, and hangs out in the parking lot giggling like a maniac whenever somebody buys one.

So he grabs a crayon to craft a masterwork of an I Have No Fucking Idea What I'm Doing cease-and-desist letter, and goes on teevee like his one mission in life is to go, "Oh, you thought Jeff Sessions was racist? HOLD MY MINT JULEP."

Seriously, this guy's whole schtick seems to be strutting around like a braying jackass, telling everyone, "Yup, I'm this dumb AND this racist, and in Alabama, I get to be LAWYER!"

The long-awaited sequel to MISSISSIPPI BURNING, ALABAMA ROBOCALLING, hit theaters this week. Yeah, some good ol' boys set up a call purporting to be a sneaky Washington Post reporter offering cash payouts for dirt on poor put-upon Roy, going by the name of...I kid you not, "Bernie Bernstein."

One cannot but admire the deft subtlety of the Alabama Ratfuck.

Anyway, lots of outlets are posting about what a tough choice Drumpfy faces with Moore, because I guess denouncing child molestation is hard or something?

To explore the Great Man's Pathos, I have uncovered a passage from William Shakespeare's THE MOST LAMENTABLE TRAGEDIE OF DONALD TRUMP, his soliloquy upon learning of the Moore Dilemma:


"Denounce Roy Moore," from all sides am I pressed,
"The President must lead," they hem and caw.
"The President must rather golf!" says he.
Mine Asia trip hath drained what little vigor
Remains to me once th'vile potion which doth
Maintain mine weird hair's growth hath claimed its toll.
For ten long days and nights did I my job!
As spring doth follow winter, thus must golf
Rejuvenate the field left bare and frozen
By that unyielding torment men call "work."
But 'ere I am to know golf's sweet embrace
Must I decide whether Moore shall know mine.
It seems his taste for teenage girls was so
Well-known to earn him life-time bans from malls.
That high school girls are hot I'll not deny,
Have I not leered at mine own pageant teens?
What of the fact that one was but fourteen?
Or that another claims attempted rape?
The libtards mew "consent" like fawning Cucks,
Grab what thou wilt; to stars all is permitted!
But can one fairly call Judge Moore a Star?
Mine own yuge light outshines his paltry candle.
To make this choice assaults my very sanity;
I'll not decide 'ere I consult Sean Hannity.


So the Misshapen Play-Doh Manatee returned home, and decided it would be really speshul and prezidenshul if he tweeted some condolences to the victims of the latest school shooting. And so he copied his tweet from the Sutherland Springs shooting, but he forgot to change the location, and just tweeted that out again.

Somehow, we're supposed to believe that the guy who fucks up a half-ass gesture like CUT-AND-PASTING MASS SHOOTING CONDOLENCES is simply too effortlessly compassionate to have POSSIBLY insulted a grieving Gold Star widow.

Got it.

Jared Kushner is getting sued again. If I made the gag about how this'll make it harder for him to bring peace to the Middle East one more time, will you pretend you've never heard it?

If you want some good gnus, I got yer good gnus. The blue wave continues to roll through America's special elections, as a Democrat picked up a state senate seat in blood-red Oklahoma last night! A female Democrat. In fact, a lesbian Democrat. Married to a black woman. In OKLAFUCKINGHOMA.

By 31 votes, folks. 31. We're gonna win a bunch of 'em like that next year, aren't we? Because all y'all are gonna VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, right?

Christopher Steele, of the famous dossier bearing his name, told reporters that said dossier is "70-90% accurate," which I take to mean that the precise number of the pee prostitutes is up in the air, and that some may have been male.

Also, the founder of Fusion GPS, which hired Steele in the first place, testified to the House Intelligence Committee that the sources in the dossier were not paid, because the best things in life are pee. Free. Dammit.

Secretary Mnuchin and his awful trophy wife thought it would be fun to take some prom pics with freshly-minted money, I guess because they never get tired of rubbing salt in the wounds of all the foreclosed-on homeowners who built Mnuchbag's fortune.

My theory on Louise is that she's trying to draw attention herself so that when the time comes to start making movies about this shitstorm, she'll seem like an interesting enough character to write into the script. Then she can lobby to play herself, restarting the failed Hollywood career that drove her into Steve's ever-oldening arms in the first place.

And Donnie Two-Scoops called a press conference, promising a major announcement, but really he just wanted to brag about how he conquered Asia and everybody loves him and hates Obama but the joke was on him because the only thing that wound up being newsworthy was the clip of him needing both of his little baby hands to drink from a tiny little bottle of water.

Donnie my boy, you looked so childish and inept drinking that Fiji water, you actually managed to retroactively unCuck Marco Rubio. Congratulations.

What fresh fuckery is this now? The Shart Administration is reversing an Obama-era (of course) ban on importing elephant trophies? Just another giveaway to his populist base, right? Safari trophy hunting is basically the foundation of Rust Belt culture.

In related news, the Puppy & Kitten Stomping Act is scheduled for a hearing in the Senate We're Just Straight Up Evil Now Committee, chaired by Ted Cruz.

Ugh. I can't leave you good people this way. Want a video of Drumpf supporters saying Hilldawg should be impeached because they don't know what words mean? Sure ya do.

I guess Charles Manson is dying? Gosh, that's a shame. He was about to be nominated for a cabinet post

Junior Drops His Mixtape, "2 Dumb 2 Collude"(Ferret/ShowerCap)

Hello, Resisters. New post! Links version at:


Remember the days when you could read the news without wearing sterilized gloves? When you could check in on the various shenanigans and goings-on of the movers and shakers without needing bulk quantities of hand sanitizer and bleach nearby?

Fuck, do we HAVE to keep covering the ever-grossening* depths of the goddamn Roy Moore story? I'm retching like I've got food poisoning on a roller coaster on board an ill-fated Carnival Triumph cruise.

...fine, let's get this over with.

Steve Bannon dispatched what we're told are "two of Breitbart News' top reporters" (which I assume to mean "the two guys at the office without Velcro shoes" to Alabama on a mission to discredit Moore's accusers, which is...y'know...not what a journalist's fucking job is, you pockmarked rummy creep.

Maybe somebody can make a Tarantino-knockoff movie called Breitbart Alabama Hit Squad. It can star badly-aging 90's heartthrobs as the "reporters," think a meth-addled Macaulay Culkin, maybe Jonathan Taylor Thomas with a bulging goiter, and in a special cameo as Bannon himself...Kevin Spacey.

Breitbart's Discount Propaganda for the White, Angry, & Stupid opened a second front in the War to Protect a Serial Child Molester Because I Guess That's What Conservatism Does Now, exposing the Washington Post for...DOING JOURNALISM.

Yeah, the big scoop is that the WaPo reporters REACHED OUT TO A SOURCE IN THE MOORE STORY and ASKED HER TO GO ON THE RECORD. Embarrassing, ain't it?

I'm not making this up. I'm gonna do something I would ordinarily never do, and link to the Breitbart article itself. Look at that shit. It's like they're pimping some big exposé on taxi drivers, breathlessly proclaiming, "The drivers inevitably TURN ON THEIR METERS before driving the passenger to A PRE-AGREED-UPON DESTINATION." Just sad.

Anyway. Another Moore accuser came forth, holding a press conference with attorney Gloria Allred this afternoon, and Jesus Christ, her story is disturbing. She tells of Moore trying to rape her, when she was SIXTEEN YEARS OLD, then abandoning her by a dumpster, taunting her that nobody would ever believe her, because he's a Big Fancy Lawyer Man, and she's just the teenage waitress he tried to rape.

Moore insists he never met the girl, never went even went to the restaurant, which raises the question of just how he wound up SIGNING HER FUCKING YEARBOOK, which is something regular, non-pedophile adults do all the time, right? No?

Hey. To anybody out there who needs this explained (and I've had some crazy gross conversations online these last few days, with some dudes who don't see any problems with Moore's behavior), IF YOU'RE A GROWN-ASS MAN AND SHE HAS A FUCKING YEARBOOK, keep your filthy hands off of her, okay?


Local Alabama reporting supports the narrative that Moore did indeed hang around malls, high school football games, and yes, restaurants, looking for teenage girls to pick up. Because he's a CHILD MOLESTER.

And yet, somehow this serial pedophile still has defenders. Can we all agree that Getting Kicked Out of Shopping Malls For Being a Skeevy Old Creep disqualifies one for public office? Please? Can we just meet at Appomattox and sign a document agreeing on that one, tiny, patch of shared morality?

Seen this Flawless Specimen of Southern Manhood? Look at this fucker. He's like somebody carved a Jabba the Hutt sculpture out of Crisco and left it out on the porch overnight.

Anyhow, Frankenpervert here helpfully compares sexually assaulting a 14-year-old to "stealing a lawnmower," which I think demonstrates precisely how much the Southern Conservative Male values his fellow humans, when those fellow humans happen to be female.

Now, some folks on Team Shart want to send the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, back to his home state to campaign for his old seat as a write in. Neat double-whammy there, as it gives you the chance to appoint a shiny new Attorney General who hasn't recused himself from any ol' thing, and can therefore fire Bob Mueller.

Gotta keep an eye on these weasels, is all I'm sayin'.

Mitch McConnell earned widespread plaudits for saying he believes Moore's accusers, as though this isn't a politically convenient opportunity to destroy a man he knew would be a constant pain in his ass. Yertle ain't "woke," folks, he's just crafty as fuck.

Yeah, a few other prominent Republicans issued their condemnations, with varying degrees of severity. My personal favorite was John Cornyn, who was like, "I am a man of mighty principles, and therefore I must withdraw my endorsement of Roy Moore, but if the voters of Alabama decided to elect a pedophile against my advice, WHADDYA GONNA DO, RIGHT?"

Jeff Flake (R-Outtahere) went so far as to say "Yeah, let's vote for the Democrat over the child molester," which counts as a controversial statement these days, because 2017 is an endless parade of horrors. Cory Gardner said that if Moore wins, the Senate should immediately expel him, or, if that proves legally dubious, just haze the motherfucking shit out of him until he leaves. (Hazing in the Senate consists primarily of forcing the pledge to spend ungodly amounts of time in the company of Ted Cruz.)

I wanna talk about something else. Anything else. Let's talk about something else, huh?

There was a little piece about how nobody can figure what Omarasa actually does in the Shart House beyond throw little parties for herself and draw an exorbitant government salary.

Most days, I'd be outraged by a story like that. Today, I find it refreshingly non-nauseating.

Yeah, let's spend some time with garden-variety corruption. Good, clean, grifting. Like, you remember when those Cowboy Ryan Zinke buddies landed that sweet/ridiculous no-bid government contract to dick around in Puerto Rico for a bit in exchange for All the Money?

Well, the Failing New York Times reports the good ole boys at Whitefish are charging the government, excuse me, YOU the taxpayer, $319/hour for linemen, while passing just 63 bucks of that down to the actual linemen, and pocketing these rest. SWEET GRIFT, WHITEFISH BOYS.

And one of Sharty McFly's cartoonishly-unqualified judicial nominees, the one who's never tried a single fucking case, failed to disclose that he's married to one of President's lawyers.

Sure. Fine. While we expend all our energy keeping the pedophiles out, I guess the merely corrupt sneak by us. Shit, in a couple of months, they'll probably slap a clown wig and a fake mustache on Seb Gorka, try and get him confirmed to the D.C. Circuit Court.

Word from the Big Fancy Grown Up Asia trip is that every world leader now understands that if you just kiss the Shart's spraytanned ass a little bit, he'll merrily roll over and give you whatever the fuck you ask for, hell, he's only in it for the emoluments $$$$ at this point.

And to that end, murderous autocrat Rodrigo Duterte serenaded President Crotchvoid with a love song? Sure, why not?

The American President sat next to a petty nickel dictator like Duterte and laughed along with him as he shut down/threatened the press, and the Founders wept. The Shart House claims the two leaders discussed human rights issues, but Duterte's spokesman said, "Nope."

That's our Commander in Chief. Cucked by a third-world strongman. I'm sure you're proud.

The Congressional GOP desperately wants to sneak their massive Let's Give Everybody's Money to the Wealthy tax "reform" bill through before anybody knows what's happening (especially now that the Alabama senate seat is in jeopardy.) Now the CBO says they're moving so fast there won't be time to score it. CALL YOUR CONGRESSFUCKZ!

And while we're focused on perverts and tweets and petty thievery, the American-supported coalition in Syria allowed hundreds, maybe even thousands, of ISIS soldiers to escape Raqqa in exchange for a cessation of hostilities.

Yup. The forces we supply and support let a fucking ISIS ARMY get away.

No, that's not quite right. The forces we supply and support HELPED A FUCKING ISIS ARMY get away.

Sleep tight.

Oh, and what's this? Tonight we learned, via Julia Ioffe at the Atlantic, that Don the Con's idiot son, despite his many denials, was in secret contact with WikiLeaks during the 2016 election. All kinds of poor-man's Tom Clancy here, including a suggestion that Junior get ahold of a page or two of pa's tax returns that Julian "Hidin' Out From Them Rape Charges" Assange could then leak to present a slim veneer of impartiality, so as not to seem to be quite so openly ratfucking for Uncle Vlad.

Oh, and there's fun stuff with Assange whispering in Junior's ear to take a wrecking ball to American democracy by getting Daddy to refuse to concede if he lost. Remember all that talk of "rigging?"

Assange expected some lofty payments for his services, by the way. He wanted Dorito Mussolini to force Australia to name him their ambassador to the U.S., having apparently gone totally stir-crazy after re-reading the same four Reader's Digests in the Ecuadorian Embassy lobby for years. "I would also like to be named Princess of Fantasia! You will forge me a scepter of the finest mithril, and a throne of dragonbone! Also, I haven't had a fucking Twinkie in three years, man, HELP A BROTHER OUT!"

Shart, Jr., because he is a stupid, stupid, boy, shared the Assange exchanges on his own twitter account, because....because....FUCK, y'all, I can't even finish that sentence. I literally cannot imagine how you can be SO FUCKING STUPID as to publicly confess to conspiracy, aiding and abetting, god knows what else. You would have to a goddamn gerbil to fathom this puddingbrained dope's thought process.

Politico tells us that Steve Bannon and Sheldon Adelson are fighting, and if there's any way I can help these two resolve their differences, I want them to know they can borrow my small-but-sturdy hammer collection.

And now it looks like Jeff Sessions wants to turn the entire goddamn United States Department of Justice in a cudgel to attack President Scrotumfungus' political enemies. Word is, he's looking at appointing a special counsel (Which I have to assume will be a goateed Mirror Universe Robert Mueller) to look into the right wing loonosphere's favorite WHY DID HILLARY CLINTON SMUGGLE 20% OF THE NATION'S URANIUM TO RUSSIA IN THE FAKE HOT SAUCE BOTTLE SHE KEEPS IN HER PURSE TO PANDER conspiracy.

And hey, if the President has unethically meddled in the process by calling for just such an investigation, and if Ol' Beau is only accommodating him to hold onto his job for another month or so, well...Democracy had a pretty good run in the Western Hemisphere, don'tcha think?

Alright, folks. I can't take another minute of this shit. I'm gonna go smoke a bunch of oregano and watch Ken Russell movies until I pass out.

*I can make up words on my own blog. You don't like it, leave a note in the complaint box. What complaint box? Exactly.

At Least Now We Know Why Roy Moore Volunteered to Wear the High School Mascot Suit (Ferret/ShowerCap

As always, links version at:


We're all reflecting on the 2016 election, because it was a year ago this week, and we're remembering our early reactions...our worries, our determination to resist, our fears...those were some dark days, right? But if anybody put any money on "Within one short year we'll be debating whether or not we should elect child molesters to congress," well, you've earned your winnings.

What other lunacy is bludgeoning our senses these days? Let's jump in:

We're hearing reports that Team Shart's refusing to approve the AT&T/Time Warner merger unless they sell off CNN, or maybe just tie CNN up in a burlap sack and throw it into a lake. Also Jared Kushner apparently told CNN honchos to fire 20% of their staff because of all their Fake Gnusing and Insufficient Bootlicking and whatnot.

So yeah, it's just the Executive Branch of the American government, vindictively targeting a critical media outlet. No biggie. What's a little fascism between friends?

Hey, this Mike Flynn shit, right? I guess Rugged Robert Mueller's team is investigating him (and his frothy maniac son) for maybe plotting to kidnap an exiled dissenter living in Pennsylvania at the behest of his Turkish paymasters, for 15 million bucks. While serving on the transition team. And this is the guy our Idiot Manchild President made his fucking National Security Advisor.

As crazy as this last couple of years has been, I have to confess the preceding paragraph sort of blows my mind. One of the top advisors in the White House, conspiring to arrange an extrajudicial rendition, for Mercenary wages. Truly...shit be cray.

Oh, and Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes and Dana Rohrabacher are tangled up with Flynn as well? Magnificent.

Probably the most welcome news of the week finds the forces of justice closing in on Balding Hate Dweeb Stephen Miller. I was worried he'd escape unscathed. I wonder if there are janitors in prison, Stephen?

Generally, as it's revealed that higher-and-higher-ranking Shart campaign officials (Clovis, Sessions, Miller, Hicks) were fully aware of young George Papaderpaderp's misadventures, it seems like we're right on the doorstop of that magical time when we get to ask...What Did the President Know and When Did He Know It? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

We keep filling in the gaps in the biography of Roy Moore: Pervert, and, y'know...EW.

Apparently Ol' Man Moore was known to cruise high school football games and even the MALL, looking for "dates." God, you can just picture it, can't you? Skeevy Roy lurking in the corner of the food court, tantalizingly flashing American Apparel gift cards at teenagers, winking.

You are NOT Forever 21, Roy.

(This space intentionally left blank to allow the reader time to barf, clean up their barf, and brush their teeth.)

Now, you'd think "child molester" is a low enough ethical bar that for once, all Americans, Republican, Democrat, and even the self-righteous dipshits who follow failed folk-rock artist Jill Stein, can link arms and cry out in one voice "OH HELL NO."

But that would just be too...nice for 2017. No, instead, we get a distressingly large and powerful contingent of GOP political and media figures circling the wagons AROUND A PEDOPHILE.

Suddenly Hannity and Coulter and Ingraham and their ilk are crowing about how the age of consent in Alabama is 16, so we may as well hold the homecoming dance in that one ill-lit bar with off-track betting by the docks, because there's NOTHING WRONG with old dudes dating high school girls.

Wonder if that'll make it to the official GOP platform in 2020.

Hannity, at least, is paying the price, with advertisers dropping him, possibly because "The Official Tooth Whitener of Child Molester Apologists" just doesn't have that Don Draper magic.

But NOW, because we're right in the Heart of Darkness, skinny-dipping in the fucking river, the MAGAnet wants to boycott the companies that dropped Hannity, because I guess they're anti-anti-pedophile? Again, I thought the moral bar was too low to even trip over here. This is, I confess, not my first disappointment this year.

So Twitter is full of videos of angry dumbasses smashing their Kuerig machines, because I guess they think destroying their own property months after they've transferred their legal tender to the company that manufactured it will teach them some sort of lesson.

Oh, and didja see where one of Roy's lawyers (Gonna need some more of those, Judge Pedo) sat down with Don Lemon on CNN? Obviously unused to a black guy being permitted to ask him questions, he figured he'd casually demean the man, calling him "Don Lemon squeezy take it easy," because I guess Alabama really is like this, folks. (Seen the polling on Alabama's response to Roy's pedo accusations? SHUDDER.)

Anyway, the guy's got the creepiest little giggle I've ever heard. No way this dude doesn't have a closet full of femurs in his basement.

Well, if we're debating whether or not a child molester should be a U.S. Senator, I guess it's much less scandalous that the Senate Judiciary Committee approved, along partisan lines, a Drumpf nominee for a federal judgeship (again in Alabama, amusingly) who has never tried a single case, who's been unanimously rated "FUCK NO" by the American Bar Association, and who ran a slobberingly idiotic right wing blog.

Can't have pedophiles making these calls, I guess.

The Failing New York Times published the latest entry in the thriving Why the Fuck is Rex Tillerson Destroying the State Department, Doesn't He Think We Might Need it Later genre. You sort of expect Low-T Rex to just start blasting Smash Mouth over the intercom system at Foggy Bottom until everybody gets fed up and quits.

Republicans are finally coming clean (relatively speaking) about their tax bill. Mitch McConnell now says he "misspoke" about nobody in the middle class getting a tax increase, and that maybe a few million Americans will technically wind up as "serfs," but the important thing is how happy the Koch brothers will be.

Even Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag went on CNN to say "OK, so we're raising taxes on some middle class families, but you don't understand, Sheldon Adelson wants to construct a six-story golden reliquary for the pubic hairs his cleaning staff retrieves from his shower drain, so a few million of you ungrateful peasants will have to tighten your belts."

If we're taking money away from working people in order to just hand it to the already uber-wealthy, is that trickle-down? Or shovel-up?

Over on his Asia trip, annoyed at having to Not Golf for so many consecutive days. the Man with Phalangeal stunting gathered the press to tell them "You leave my friend Vlad alone! He says he didn't interfere in our election, and that's good enough for me, no matter what the dumb ol' FBI says!"

Sharty McFly took special care to call respected IC leaders Comey, Clapper, and Brennan "political hacks," presumably because he doesn't understand that doing so motivates the IC operatives who admired them to work that much harder to nail his cheap grifter ass to the wall. Not a bright lad, that President.

Let's also take a moment to note that SCROTUS chose Veteran's Day to attack his own country's Intelligence Community. In fact, he composed a little poem:

This is Just to Say
By Donald J Trump

I have sold out
the nation
that you fought
so hard for

and which
you were probably
for your grandchildren

Forgive me
there is a pee tape
so wet
and so gold


I guess Donnie Dotard finally found out where John Kelly hid his phone on the Asia trip (in the veggie bin in Air Force One's kitchen, the last place he'd look.), and went on a little Twitter tantrum, because he'd been a good boy all weekend, and he deserved it.

Apparently, the President of the United States was upset to learn that Kim Jong-un had referred to him as old (editor's note: Drump is, in fact, old.), and retaliated by calling him fat. And short. (editor's note: leave me alone, I'm drinking.)

Il Douche went on to brag about his "chemistry" with Putin. "Sometimes we'll finish each other's sentences, or like, we'll be on the sofa, halfway through an episode of How I Met Your Mother, and he'll just give me this look like 'this is boring, let's watch porn,' and I'll switch to porn, but we didn't even need to say anything."

Oh, and the U.S. Embassy in Moscow hired one of Uncle Vlad's old spy buddies to...hang on, it's hard to type over my own manic cackling...to..."provide security!" Multi-million-dollar contract to hire Russian spies to "guard" our embassy. Why not just CC the Kremlin on all communications? Shit, y'all.

"Political Hacks" John Brennan and James Clapper popped by the Sunday Shoz to remind everyone that foreign leaders understand that flattery will get you everywhere with President Micropenis. Ten minutes of "My, what a successful and not-at-all-fraudulent private university you have," and suddenly he'll dump all the classified information you can handle right into your waiting lap.

Jesus. What madness. Anyhow, I'm gonna go donate to Doug Jones so we don't have a PEDOPHILE SENATOR. You should, too.

Roy Moore Has Republicans Defending Child Molestation Now. Is America Great Again Yet? (Ferret!)

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Y'know, each day is a gift and a miracle. We greet the morning and all the potential it brings with hope and excitement. Truly, life IS like a box of chocolates, and you never do know what you're going to get.

Today's chocolate had the surprising filling of Oh I Guess We're Going to Watch Some of the Most Powerful and Influential People in the Country Argue That Middle Aged Men Having Sex With Teenagers is A-Ok.

Wow. Well, no sense wasting time, Resisters, let's dive into the muck.

CIA director Mike Pompeo met with a deranged conspiracy nut who says Hillary leaked her own e-mails in between running a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza joint and prank calling Christopher Stephens' family, or something, because President Crotchvoid told him to. Next week, maybe Mikey can lunch with the guy who wandered around my college campus screaming that you'd go to hell if you listened to Bon Jovi.

A little good news, as Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III relented in his prosecution of the dastardly broad who committed the high crime of Laughing at Him in Public. Distraught, Ol' Beau even ordered the demolition of the gallows he'd hopefully had constructed on the grounds below his office window.

Golly, the economic anxiety is just dripping off the subjects of the latest Shitty White Drumpf Supporters profile. Be sure to read all the way to the end. Never seen such economic anxiety.

I guess John Kelly got mad at the acting head of DHS, Elaine Duke, for not Making America White Again fast enough for his liking. While crazy white dudes keep perpetrating mass shootings, apparently the great threat to the homeland lies in refugees from Central America who've been living peacefully among us for decades.

I guess that Omarosa woman (I'm still not researching the whole reality tv thing. I read all this fucking news, and I have to draw the line someplace.) had a big wedding photo shoot in the White House, just to kind of rub America's nose in the travesty of this regime? Like, "Here's the maid of honor barfing on a bust of Winston Churchill!"

Didja see where Wilbur Ross turned out to be a fake billionaire? Yeah, the Head Gnome in Charge of Commerce got caught exaggerating his wealth, and was unceremoniously dropped by the Forbes list o' billionaires, no doubt being forced to turn in his secret Junior Billionaire Decoder Ring in the process.

Lying about being richer than you actually are? No wonder he and Boss Shart get along so well.

Hey, that was some election night, wasn't it? America was backed up like a teenage boy who found a Victoria's Secret catalogue in second period and had to wait the entire school day plus basketball practice to...address his urges. And after a long, frustrating year of painful waiting, we fiiiiiiiiinally got to vote, and godDAMN was it good.

Trumpism got spanked from coast to coast, and not in a fun, sexy, way, but in a you've-offended-the-Lord-thy-God-now-here's-a-cranky-nun-with-a-flail way.

Ok, maybe it was a LITTLE sexy. Couple governor's mansions, badass new Philadelphia district attorney, a bunch of mayorships, and a Virginia blowout so massive, control of the House of Delegates is up in the air, pending recounts.

As if this wasn't justice enough, there was extra, bonus justice wherever you looked! The author of anti-transgender bathroom bill lost his seat to a transgender woman! An old white dude who made fun of the women's march lost to a woman who decided to run precisely in order to teach him a lesson. And the new mayor-elect of Helena, Montana...came to the United States as a refugee!

Let's also take a moment to cheer an evening of resounding defeat for the murderous National Rifle Association.

Well, maybe their voters listened to Shartboy, Jr., and stayed home.

And of course, while his party was absorbing a coast-to-coast taint-jackhammering as a result of his failed leadership, the Marmalade Shartcannon was over in South Korea, schilling his golf club, because he's nothing but a petty grifter.

Hilarious how quickly he threw ol' Ed Gillespie away, like a Kleenex used by the hypothetical teenage boy from a few paragraphs back.

The good people of Maine overwhelmingly said "hellz YES we want to expand Medicaid under the ACA," only have their governor, Doddering Hate Muppet Paul LePage, vow to block it anyway, because FUCK DEMOCRACY, that's why.

Did I mention that the unpopular LePage is a two-term governor only because a third party candidate split his opposition in both of his elections? There's an unsubtle lesson there, for those who still require it.

After their electoral drubbing, the GOP sat up through a long, dark, soul-searching, night, examined their beliefs with cold, unrelenting, objectivity, and decided to get right back to work passing a tax "reform" bill that benefits their donor class at the expense of the rest of the nation.

And of course, everybody fucking hates the bill. Well, everybody except the idle, crustless-triangle-shaped-cucumber-sandwich-eating wealthy.

Gary Cohn tried pitching it by mentioning how excited all his CEO budz have been, because it's just BREAKING FUCKING NEWS that when you tell a rich dude he'll be several million dollars richer, he's all for it.

Of course, Senator Lindsey Graham and Congressdouche Chris Collins said the quiet part out loud, practically trembling in terror that all that sweet American Oligarch dark money will evaporate in a heartbeat if Daddy Mercer doesn't get his tax cuts.

Corey Lewandowski, who swore up and down for months that He Didn't Know Any Carter Page, Hey, What's a Carter Page Anyway, Is That Like Macy's Line of Kitchenware or Something, but then Carter Page testified under oath in front of congress and PRESTO, Corey's memory has been magically restored.

But really, pinky swear, this is the ABSOLUTE LAST of the Russia things, there's no more Russia, how dare you even ask, at least until the next thing surfaces, in which case I reserve the right to have another miraculous memory recovery.

And I see Fux Nooz hired Faux Doctor Seb Gorka, because the We Must Annex the Sudetenland crowd was feeling underrepresented.

Longtime Shartal Bodyguard Keith Schiller told congress that his pervy boss totally rejected five proffered Russian hookers and their sensually full bladders, even when they were freely offered by his Russian Miss Universe Pageant partners, because such behavior is simply beneath the man who brags about leering at teenagers while they change.

Anyway, Keith says he went to bed, so if anybody was taping anybody peeing on anybody else, he didn't know nothin' about it.

Meanwhile, Low-T Rex seems to think the State Department has been expending far too many resources on dumb ol' diplomacy, and not nearly enough on digging up potentially embarrassing shit on Hillary Clinton. Leadership!

Senator Bob Corker (R - Unleashed) called a hearing to look into the "We're not really letting a colicky man-baby control our fucking nuclear arsenal" conundrum. I bet McMaster has already replaced the real nuclear football with a Nerf one, and everybody just pretends he launched the missiles, showing him the ending of Dr. Strangelove. Dumb fuck probably thinks he's already nuked Syria a couple times.

The wave of rats deserting the sinking ship, excuse me, "Republican Congressmen announcing their retirements," continues to swell. Frank LoBiondo, Ted Poe, Bob Goodlatte, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Or do. Whatevs.

Carl Icahn received a subpoena of his very own, to love and to hug and to nurture, from the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, probably over that whole conflict-of-interest thang, where he was advising the President to do things that would, purely out of coincidence I'm sure, have significantly lined the pockets of one Carl Icahn.

The Trump toadies in FEMA are going after Chef Jose Andrés, because yeah, ok, he's helping to feed hurricane victims and all, but he's bein' awful mouthy about the millions of Puerto Ricans who STILL DON'T HAVE POWER. I mean, it's not like FEMA has anything better to do. Between passin' out fat contracts to Cowboy Ryan Zinke's pals, and yelling at folks for Insufficient Fealty While Cooking, no wonder they haven't found time to get the lights turned on.

I guess Richard Spencer bounced a check to the University of Florida, payment for the hall he rented for the privilege of being laughed at for a few minutes before running away. Must've let the tiki-torches-and-tweed-vests budget spiral out of control.

And the slobbering rage monsters of MAGA nation are boycotting Jim Beam because Mila Kunis makes a monthly donation to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence's name. Aren't these jagoffs already boycotting Starbucks, Target, Netflix, Oreos, Pepsi and sunshine?

We might be onto something here, actually. A few strategic, boycott-inducing acts, these dumbshits will be forced to subsist on a diet made up exclusively of tap water and Brawny paper towels.

KKKRis KKKobach's Kooky Kulling Komission is gettin' sued...by a member of itself. I feel like somebody should write a folksy novelty song about this, where KKKris is his own grandpa, and also somehow learns he's part black, and therefore disenfranchises himself.

The Velveeta Urinal cake can't even sabotage Obamacare, as sign-ups are hitting new records despite all his careful plans to cover up Obamacare with a couple of ferns and pretend it's not there.

And Steve Bannon demanded that the hallucinated talking turducken he mistook for Mitch McConnell resign from Senate leadership. Bannon then threw up in his mouth, and absentmindedly chewed the barf for a couple of minutes, before swallowing it again.

Only Nixon could go to China, but only Drumpf be so thoroughly, deeply, CUCKED there. Donnie Two-Scoops sure loved talkin' like a Big Tuff Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Everything about China on the campaign trail, right? He was gonna stand up to those nasty Chinese, and Make America Sooooooo Great!

Like all bullies, he gets face to face, and just folds. Actually complimented China for taking so much advantage of dumb, weak, America. Cuuuuuuuuuuck.

For an extra demonstration of just how deep the cucking goes, Little Donnie Dotard broke with the tradition of taking questions from the press, because the Chinese didn't WANNA. Watching the American President appease authoritarian dictators is gettin' plenty old, don'tcha think? That big statue of Lincoln's gonna stand up, march over to the White House, and stomp on Don's wee, shriveled, balls one of these days.

I see Bashful Bob Mueller's team sat Shart House Advisor/People Magazine's Least Sexy Man 2004-Present Stephen Miller down for an interview. My crack investigative sources have obtained a snippet of the transcript, this is a SHOWER CAP EXCLUSIVE:

Mueller: Good morning, Stephen.

Miller: Why is everyone wearing full-body hazmat suits?

Mueller: Oh, that's because you're so fucking disgusting. No one wants to accidentally inhale any air that may've been inside your body.

Miller: Damn. C'mon, guys -

Mueller: We can't possibly be the only people who wear hazmat suits around you.

Miller: Well. No. There's everybody at work. And my landlord. And my mom.

Mueller: Anyway. Let's get to the treason.

Whelp. Did I miss anything? That new Murder on the Orient Express remake looks kinda fun, I might just -

Wait, what's that? Roy Moore did what? She was HOW OLD? For fuck's sake.

So four women have come forward, on the record, and said Judge Roy, professional bigot, "dated" them when they were teenagers. In one case, he initiated sexual contact with her when she FOURTEEN YEARS OLD and he was 32.

Moore tried to get out in front of the story, feeding it to the eager propagandists at Breitbart, who were all too happy to say things like "First off, there's nothing wrong with a dude in his thirties dating a 16 year old," and getting progressively more disgusting from there.

And somehow, rather than slinking away in shame, Roy's hopped on the "fake librul media" train, and he's fucking FUNDRAISING OFF HIS PEDOPHILIA. And all the usual dirtbags, the ones who were all "I SAW A REDDIT POST SO BRING YOUR GUNS TO THE PIZZA PLACE, HILLARY CLINTON HAS SEX SLAVES" are suddenly insisting "well, it's he said/she said, and besides what's so goshdarned bad about a grown man trying to fuck a few teenagers?"

What the SHIT, people?

And because the news somehow wasn't gross or disappointing enough already, we were treated to a round of comments from the Good Christian Men of the Alabama Republican Party, who were all totally down with Roy Moore, even if he did spend his thirties preying on teenagers, because Jesus prefers child molesters to Democrats, apparently.

Anyway. A few congressional Republicans issued stern Tsk Tsks, and there's some rumbling about a Luther Strange write-in campaign, but with such a slim majority in the Senate, it'll be damned interesting to see just how dedicated to the once-uncontroversial "Pedophiles Are Bad" position Yertle & Co. turn out to be.

Fuck, y'all. Life is like a box of chocolates, and I'm goddamn TERRIFIED of what I'm gonna get now. Tomorrow's chocolate will be, like, a cockroach that whispers to me that I should cut off the mailman's knees and wear them like shoulder pads.

I'm Starting a Game Show Called "Are You Smarter Than Carter?" (Ferret/ShowerCap)

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Kinda slow for a Monday, huh? Things're pretty quiet with the Dotard abroad*. I'd say "too quiet," but I am absolutely not dumb enough to tempt fate like that. Not in 2017.

So, what should we talk about? Rand Paul's MMA fight with his No Doubt Equally Jaggy Neighbor over...their lawns? I guess?

We'll be old and grey, trying to recount the madness of these batguano-frosted days in the nursing home, struggling over this sort of trivia. "Didn't Marco Rubio miss a vote because somebody hit him with a plastic flamingo, or something?"

Anyway. I don't want it to seem like I'm advocating, or cheering for violence, because I'm not. I'll just say that I imagine living next door to Rand Paul for 17 years is...challenging.

Well, SCROTUS started up his big Asia trip, and I'm sure he's representing America in a manner we can all be proud of! There's no way he's saying anything colossally stupid like "Golly gee, I never knew we had so many countries," that'd just be -

...well, fuck.

We don't need Presidential debates, folks. We need 3rd grade tests.

Didja see that story over at Axios? Seems Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet had a meeting with some Native American leaders, and told 'em, "Law Schmaw! Do whatever the fuck you want, bro! Fuckin' look at me, I'm sending the taxpayers bills for port-a-potties for my OWN FUCKING SECRET SERVICE DETAIL. It's Act One of Wall Street until Mueller breaks up the party! SHOTS!!!!!!!!"

Bloomberg sat down the Russian lawyer who reached out, once upon a time, to Shart, Jr., saying "Hey kid, wanna buy some treason?" to which Prince Dotard responded, "Hellz to tha Yes!"

Yes, Natalia Veselnitskaya laid out all the proposed quid-pro-quo, and even said she'd testify to it under oath to any ol' investigative committee, or Special Counsel who asked her.

This seems like a good time to recall that Team Shart's best defense of this meeting is "Well sure we TRIED to collude with a hostile foreign power to influence an American election, but it didn't really work out, so it doesn't count, right?"

And of course we find ourselves engaged in the all too familiar rituals that follow a mass shooting. Extra familiar, since Vegas was, what? The day before yesterday?

All the usual voices called sent their hollow, useless, thoughts-n-prayers, with a few indignantly scolding those who would "politicize the blah blah blah blah blah YES I'D LIKE ANOTHER DONATION, WAYNE," because, and let's not mince words about this, Republicans do not care when Americans are murdered by white people.

We're adding a new, 21st century social media wrinkle, where trolls n' bots spread disinformation about the shooter being an Atheist Democrat Antifa Monster Made in a Harvard Lab From Chelsea Clinton's Eggs and Sperm From Obama's Gay Lover, because the internet is awful.

President Shartcannon weighed in from Japan, saying "How dare you blame our precious, precious guns! This mass shooting, like all mass shootings not committed by brown-skinned people, was the dastardly work of Mental Illness!"

No one seems to have been willing to remind him of the bill he signed earlier this year repealing an Obama-era regulation that made it harder for the mentally ill to obtain firearms. That would've been...too reasonable.

And just because this whole thing wasn't tragic enough, it turns out the shooter should never have been allowed to buy a gun in the first place, having been discharged from the Air Force after a domestic violence conviction (he broke a toddler's skull), but, here's the thing, the military never bothered to feed his name into the Don't Sell This Violent Maniac a Gun database, because that would've been too much work.

So the guy who BROKE A TODDLER'S SKULL was able to march into any fucking store he wanted, say "Boy I sure would like some murder machines!" and walk away with...well, with the tools to end 26 lives in a Sutherland Springs church.

Now, WHY does this shit keep happening? I'll tell you why. Wayne LaPierre always hides out for a few days after the latest massacre (I'm told it takes several showers to wash the blood off those filthy, filthy hands), but he'll be back soon enough, stirring up fear and hatred for his bloodthirsty masters.

Anyway. Next time you see him on tv, take a look at, oh, let's say his necktie.

It'll be a nice necktie. Nicer than any of mine, certainly. Wayne's a wealthy man. "Death Merchant Lobbyist" is a well-paid post.

Anyway. The tie. That tie will have been paid for by the money Devin P. Kelley spent on the rifle he used to shoot up that church. Paid for by the cost of the bullets Kelley bought for the express purpose of ending those 26 lives. The bullets that killed those children find their way to Wayne LaPierre's pocket, and he leaves that SAME MONEY in the tip jar when he gets a latte.

THAT'S why this happened. Why it'll happen again. Wayne's not about to give up his comforts.

But maybe I'm not being fair. Maybe I should look at the whole picture. Fuck, maybe I should be like the folks over at Fux Nooz, and see the brighter side of mass murder! After all, IS THERE A BETTER PLACE TO GET SLAUGHTERED IN A HAIL OF BULLETS THAN RIGHT IN YOUR VERY OWN CHURCH? I BET JESUS GIVES YOU AN EXTRA PACKAGE OF OATMEAL CREME PIES IF YOU GOT MURDERED IN CHURCH!!!!!!

Somehow there's a dude, a "minister" willing to go even lower, if you can imagine. Dude's all mad at the liberals for fighting against GAWD'S PLAN for all those kids to get shot to death because it was GAWD and not a violent fuckhead who should never have been allowed to purchase a firearm, but I guess Gawd wanted him to have the gun cuz he sure did fucking have it and maybe that 18-month-old who got killed was gonna grow up to be Hitler, did you ever think of that? CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!!!!!"

I need to leave a little space to allow everybody to detox from the horrifying state of the gun debate in our country. Take a moment to scream, if you need.


It's been pretty fucking funny, watching Paul Manafort play Bargaining For Bail with Robert Mueller. Sorry, Paulie. This ain't Settlers of Catan. The government's gonna wind up confiscating your entire ill-gotten stash when all is said and done anyway. Enjoy your GPS ankle bracelet. You remain...#Manafucked.

I see the woman famously photographed flipping off Shart Garfunkel's motorcade lost her job as a result. If crudeness to our bloated, shit-for-brains, pigeon-dicked President is a firing offense now...geez, don't tell my boss about this blog.

Oh wait. I totally wear a mask. No worries.

We keep learning more about Paul Ryan's Make Americans Serfs Again tax reform bill, and...holy shit, y'all, how gerrymandered ARE these fuckers' districts, that they think they can get away with this? Teachers won't be able to deduct the cost of classroom supplies they pay for out of pocket anymore, but Princess Ivanka will be able to send her Pound Puppy to Oxford. And it looks like the bill actually RAISES taxes on low-and-middle-income households, just so the Koch Bros can wipe their asses with Ben Franklin instead of Ulysses Grant?

Reza Aslan published an op-ed over at the LA Times likening the Drumpf movement to a cult. That's a HOT TAKE, Reza. Most of us noticed that shit last summer when Tangerine Idi Amin's slavering hoards ritualistically circled the press pens at his rallies, shouting death threats at journalists while using ketchup as war paint on their Trump That Bitch t-shirts.

Gnome King/Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross is pipin' mad that the dirty librul media revealed all those multi-million-dollar financial entanglements with PutinPalz he lied about in his confirmation hearings. He says it's "evil." Not that he DID it, mind you, but that reporters found out about it and informed the public. THAT'S evil. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cobbling to finish before the Old Shoemaker wakes up!" Ross screeched, before vanishing in a cloud of putrid-smelling green smoke.

As I write this, all the journalists on political Twitter are busily combing through the just-released 200 pages of Carter Page testimony from his meeting with the House Intelligence Committee last week. Boy Howdy, Carter Page is...not smart.

In between tripping over his own lies, Page manages to confess to not only meeting with Russian officials on behalf of the campaign, but also informing a whole bunch of his colleagues about his activities. I'm afraid you won't be getting an Xmas card from Corey Lewandowski this year, Carter.

You really have to wonder why the Shart Campaign hired Page instead of, y'know, a well-trained corgi, or a jar of marshmallow fluff.

If you're lookin' for a little good news, I got some good news for you. Before I share it, I'm just gonna need you to repeal those pesky Magnitsky Act sanctions for me, 'kay?

Just kidding. But that woulda worked on Drumpf's shitty kids, y'know.

Good news is, apparently ACA signups are up (way up, if the Hill's sources are right) over last year, despite all of the Shart House's diligent efforts to sabotage advertising and outreach.

See how mighty we are, Resisters? The President of the United States is trying to HIDE the ACA markets from his own people, but WE THE PEOPLE are thwarting him. You've got links to ACA signup sites on your social media pages, right? RIGHT?

Want a little more good gnus? Ok, just make a teeeeeny change in the Republican Party platform, regarding Ukraine policy, and I'll let you know about the latest generic congressional ballot poll.

Anyway, I hope everybody reading this who has something to vote on tomorrow votes the ever-lovin' shit out of whatever election happens to be available.

And one way or another, exactly one year from today, we ALL get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, which I personally cannot fucking wait for.

*A DOTARD ABROAD, based on an unfinished W. Somerset Maugham story, will be adapted into an A&E miniseries this spring, starring a damaged clone of Jason Alexander in the title role.

Oh, Wilburrrrrrrrrr! Also, I think Jared Broke the Middle East (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Hi everybody. I just popped out of the trenches of the Secret Antifa War to see if anything interesting's going on.

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...holy fuck. It really never stops, does it?

Rick Perry must've poured a little science sauce on his smart guy glasses, when he posited Perry's First Theory of Fossil Fuels Preventing Sexual Assault. Hey assault victims! Maybe if you wore a frumpy turtleneck made of fossil fuels instead of that slutty dress that showed your ENTIRE ANKLE, you wouldn't have been assaulted, you filthy whores!

Speaking of science, one the industry stooges Scott Pruitt installed on the EPA's Science Advisory Board thinks the air is too clean. No no, I make a lot of jokes here, but this is just what the dude said. The air's too clean, we need kids to inhale a little more toxic shit so their bodies can get used to fending off all the even MORE toxic shit we plan on dumping into the air in the future.

Dude's telling us we need to mutate our bodies to survive in increasingly poisonous environments. What next? "Periodically administer chemical burns to your infant's skin, in order to build the thick layer of scales they'll need to endure the post-apocalyptic hellscape we expect to create by 2065, when we anticipate everything will be literally on fire all the time."

Joe Ricketts sure is a fucking scumbag, huh? Journalists at the websites he owns vote to unionize, he immediately fires everyone, shutters the sites, and locks the writers out of their own work? That's some Act One Scrooge level shit, Joe.

And to think, some would say there's a wealth inequality problem in America. Maybe you should just shut your cuck mouths lest ye anger our benevolent oligarch overlords, didja ever think of THAT?

Meanwhile, Donna Brazile took out her scales. On one side, she put "the fate of America, and indeed in the world." On the other, "sales of my forthcoming book." By now, you know what she chose.

Yes, one short week before Democrats' first chance to flex their electoral muscle and strike back at the Drumpf-enabling GOP, Brazile decided "This seems like the perfect time for some dishonest spin on an old story so as to pick open some old wounds."

The GOP has Uranium One, we have Donna Brazile.

Donna, with her ninja-level hindsight, claimed see saw All the Signs, because Hilldawg's campaign staff were inadequately fucking one another, a scientific metric worth of Secretary Perry. She also talked about heroically contemplating just ignoring the will of every primary voter altogether and replacing that Withered Crone with Joe Biden, or George Clooney. or maybe just a ficus.

Contradicted by absolutely everyone and backed up by literally no one, Brazile's walking back her inflammatory claims book ads, and she's all "Did I say rigging? I meant HUGGING!" Ugh.

Me, I'm donating the cover price of her shitty, self-aggrandizing slam book, 28 bucks, to the Democratic Party. Fuck Donna Brazile, let's elect some Democrats and take our motherfucking country back!

Carter Page is too dumb to be a real person, right? Like, one of these days, he's gonna run into a corner, and his face will pop open, revealing he's a sophisticated robot piloted by three or four drunken gerbils. RIGHT?

Anyway, MacArthur Dumbass Grant Recipient Page sat down for the House Intelligence Committee for a few hours on Thursday, without a lawyer, or even just a dog collar set to administer a mild corrective shock whenever he was about to say something really self-destructive. Which was really fuck dumb of him.

Yeah, Carter met some Russians, but they mostly just discussed their shared love of Perfect Strangers. And by the way, he totally told Jeff Sessions about doing it, which is weird, since that contradicts all those things the AG said under oath. In the Senate. Twice.

Yup yup, Ol' Beauregard done perjured himself again. I look forward to the ritual where Jeff gets dragged back to the Senate so that Al Franken can yell at him some more, and then he can swear up and down that for real this time, there are no more Russian contacts he can remember, and then four days CNN will come across a video of him pole-dancing at the Kremlin while the entire Duma pelts him with rubles.

And we keep learning that Allegedly Insignificant Coffee Boy George Papaderpaderp was dispatched on some pretty dang important assignments for such an Allegedly Insignificant Coffee Boy.

The Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits and a Dwarf Dick keeps tantruming about how he doesn't get to use the US Justice Department as his own personal vendetta-settling oppression apparatus. What's the point of even being President, right?

(In related news, Drumpf has allegedly been dropping hints around the office that he'd really, REALLY like a secret police force, answerable only to him, for Xmas this year. John Kelly's hoping a set of Justice League action figures will placate him.)

For a glorious hot minute (or ten), Il Douche's Twitter account was deactivated, apparently by a low-level employee on their last day. Bravo, Disgruntled Ex Twitter Employee! I always felt like James Dean just for shoving a ream of printer paper and a few pens in my backpack on my way out, but you got me beat!

The papers with fancy calligraphy nameplates get all the credit, but USAToday comes up with a decent little scoop now and then. This week they let us know that Weehands McGriftpants has been handing out plum government jobs to dues-paying members of his golf clubs. Neat setup, innit? Drop a little cash in the President's pocket, land a fat, taxpayer-funded, paycheck? Solid investment.

We're told Jared Kushner turned documents related to the Comey firing over to Robert Hood and his Merry Men. Is this why his Pa-in-law called him "worst political adviser in the White House in modern history?" Is there familial strife in Shartopia? Will Don the Con, Lear-like, make his children battle over a limited number of pardons?

Thanksgiving sure is gonna be awkward this year.

Jar-Jar also popped over to Saudi Arabia for a surprise, secret visit...and ever since he came back, shit's been getting seriously real over there...you've got politically-motivated arrests, you've got suspicious plane crashes...WHAT DID YOU DO, JARED?

Asked about the numerous vacancies at the State Department, Boss Shart declared, with all the grandiosity that such an inescapably tacky fellow could muster, "I am the only one that matters," which is a totally normal, not-at-all-worrisome thing for an American President to say. I'm pretty sure that was in the first draft of the Fear Itself speech.

If you were at Harvard last semester, maybe you got a chance to see Spicey Off the Record, the hot new lounge act spinnin' lies while avoiding accountability! Perhaps ridin' that podium segway to campus near you, soon! Or maybe jail!

The Bush Boys came at Sharty McFly in one of those books about how the GOP has turned into a production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest performed by the laboratory animals they test over-the-counter amphetamines on. Words as harsh as "blowhard" were bandied about. Quick, get me to my fainting couch!

And Kellyanne Conway dropped by CNN to chastise them for refusing to dutifully carve her boss' easily-disproven lies onto stone tablets. She's really grown nicely into her role as Indignant Propaganda Minister, hasn't she?

The Marmalade Shartcannon embarked on his big Asia trip, but not before stopping off in Hawaii to get mercilessly trolled by the locals.

And I guess he babbled some nonsense about Japan Shoulda Shot Down North Korea's Missiles Because Aren't They All Samurai Warriors or Something?

SAMURAI WARRIORS? Fuck. It's like we're being governed by the kids I went to sleepovers with in fourth grade. If Donnie doesn't get an extra turn at the controller playing Final Fantasy, you know he's gonna get all pouty and probably declare war on Finland.

Naturally he can't wait to meet with Uncle Vlad for his latest performance review. And also to see if maybe he has a spare room he can crash in for a couple of months.

NBC says Bashful Bob Mueller is closing in on Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn and his lunatic jagoff son. I don't get what the big deal is, personally. Why SHOULDN'T disgraced, unregistered foreign agents have access to the highest levels of classified intelligence in their quest to manipulate a moronic, know-nothing, Commander in Chief for the benefit of foreign paymasters?

And I guess all the early indictments have the various underlings from Team Shart scrambling in pants-shitting terror. Aw, poor traitors. Don't worry, I'm sure everyone will stay loyal to everyone else.

(Like Preibus didn't start shrieking "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE! BAGGINSSSSSSSSSSSS!" eight seconds after Mueller said "Good afternoon, Reince."

I suppose it's no longer particularly surprising news when we see yet another poll revealing the Shart to be historically loathed, but I did get an extra chortle of glee seeing the bit where a majority have noticed the whole Can't-Get-Shit-Done thing. Weird, how the strategy of Repeatedly Saying You've Accomplished More Than if All the Other Presidents Were Rolled Up Into One Super President Like Voltron isn't an adequate substitute for, y'know...actually doing shit.

I don't get to write about Wilbur Ross as often as I'd like, y'know? He's sort of flown under the radar, but he's a dirtbag we ought to revile just as much as Mnuchbag and Price and Zinke and the rest of the American Oligarch crew looting our nation. Anyway, it looks like it's finally the Gnome King's turn in the barrel!

Y'see, today saw the release of the long-awaited sequel to the Panama Papers, the Paradise Papers, this afternoon! (Coming next spring: Papers: Ragnarok!)

Seems our Commerce Secretary has a whole buncha billions he forgot t'tell the government about on his disclosure forms, (This cabinet sure is a forgetful lot! SOMEBODY COUNT THE NUKES, AMIRIGHT?) including some shared "business interests" with Vlad Putin's immediate family!

And it seems he's been making money partnering with sanctioned members of Uncle Vlad's inner circle? OH, WILBURRRRRRRRR!

By the way, the government of Cyprus, that haven for Russian oligarch money laundering where Secretary Ross ran a very large bank before joining the cabinet, turned over a bunch of documents to Mueller relating to the dealings of the recently-indicted Paul Manafort, who is increasingly #Manafucked.

Oh, and Kremlin-connected oligarchs bought up large stakes in Facebook and Twitter? Rad. Thank God the beneficiaries of all this Russian infiltration and interference are the ones in charge of investigating it, and preventing it from happening again.

I guess Rand Paul's neighbor assaulted him? They're both rich jags in a gated community, but I'm pretty sure this is the work of a vast Soros-funded Antifa/Jade Helm/Hydra conspiracy. Seriously though. Don't punch Senators. Punch Richard Spencer.

Oh, and of course most of Puerto Rico still doesn't have power.

And Tangerine Idi Amin, that America First champion, just won permission to hire foreign workers at the very same golf club where he charges the American taxpayer exorbitant fees for the Secret Service to rent golf carts.

Fuck, y'all. Shit be cray. Shit be so goddamn cray, I didn't even have time to talk about how shitty the GOP tax bill is. But we're all gonna get on the phones and sink that fucker all the way to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, aren't we?

Anyway, I gotta get back to Antifaing all the Real Americans now.

Just Past Halloween, Trump's Already Turned on His Fucking Son-in-Law.

Good evening, friends. As always, you can find the post, with links, at:


Well folks, Halloween has come and gone, so why does reading the news still feel like I've been locked in the Funhouse Hall of Mirrors with nothing but NyQuil and moldy pumpernickel to subsist on?

Before we get started, don't forget the OBAMACARE OPEN ENROLLMENT PERIOD started today! Your government doesn't want anybody to know that. Your government would prefer you died like the Taker Scum you know you are than giving you the health insurance you're entitled to, because you see a black guy told a joke about Donald Trump this one time.

So it's on US, Resisters. We need to replace all the advertising and word-spreading that our distressingly bloodthirsty government refuses to do. So get your asses on social media, and let everybody know about that sweet sweet health insurance that's batting its eyes in the corner, all coquettishly, at the millions of Americans who're entitled to it. Health Insurance, you SLUT.

As you all know, New York was the site of a horrifying terror attack. Your average, run-of-the-mill President might give a rousing, unifying speech, about how strong, decent, and loving Americans are, how these cowardly acts will not defeat us...but not Government Cheese Goebbels.

No, he wants to rant about how Chuck Schumer personally smuggled the terrorist into the country in the trunk of his hybrid (CUCK), nursed him to adulthood on a diet of jihadist propaganda and SpaghettiOs, and finally turned him loose wearing a suit made entirely from I'm With Her bumper stickers.

(Later in the day, some of the frothier nutcases on the right came at Jake Tapper for daring to suggest that maybe not all Muslims are evil, but Diet Rambo was NOT HAVIN' THAT SHIT.)

Anyway, these days the national discourse seems to revolve around whether or not the Civil War was really about race and slavery, or just the inability of good ol' boys to sit down over mint juleps and a friendly game of Jenga to hammer out a friendly compromise on whether or not human beings could be property. IT'S LIKE 1855 BUT WITH MINECRAFT!

Papa John came out against free speech today, because EVEN PIZZA IS AN ASSHOLE NOW. I guess American Fascism has an official fast food sponsor, that's nifty. Maybe they can start making kids meals, with little personal pizzas that come with a talking action figure of the Texans owner referring to his players as "inmates."

And of course we're still rolling around in the aftermath of Manic Monday* like gleeful puppies frolicking through leaf piles, because goddammit, we deserve a little good news.

It is one of the great pleasures of my life, witnessing Shart Garfunkel's craven media enablers desperately, pathetically trying to spin this as anything other than jackhammer-to-the nutsack news for the administration. (Sean Hannity's descent into madness has permanently replaced pornography for me.)

"C'mon, this is Paul Manafort's problem! Ok, so the President hired a career criminal, an unregistered foreign agent, to manage his campaign, & the dude was laundering money for Putin Pals the whole time, but there's nothing in there about collusion!"

Really? A money launderer running the campaign? That's something y'all're just totally down with now?


Ok, what Poopaderpaderp? The guy who literally confesses to collusion, and implicates multiple high-ranking campaign personnel as well?

"Oh, he was hardly involved in the camp-"

NOPE. Looka here. Also here.


It'd be funny, if it all wasn't done in service to protecting traitors.

Getting back to Papadoobedoo, you know everyone's least favorite racist Keebler elf, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, spent this week hiding in his office, quietly crapping frosting into whatever freaky religious undergarment he wears. See, we keep learning more and more about Ol' Beauregard's ties with young Georgie, and the magic 8-ball says "You're rather spectacularly fucked, Jeff."

Did Perpawalkywalk have a little talky talk with Sessions while wired, and swap it for his cushy plea deal? I don't know, but I'll tell ya what, folks: I really, REALLY want that. I don't know why I hate Sessions more than any of the other fucks in this cheap goon cabal, but I really fucking do.

And y'know what else I want? I want to see Sessions sent to one of these private prisons he's been oh-so-eagerly filling up with undocumented immigrants and non-violent drug offenders. He's so eager to ratchet up the Justice Department's role in jackbooted institutional white supremacy? Fuck you, Jeff, I bet they can spare a cot for a traitor.

And I'm placing a 30-cigarette bounty on each of his dopey ears, when that day comes.

Somehow Paul Manafort found himself in even deeper shit today, as the Ukrainian government (You know the one. The one Putin doesn't like. The one whose enemies Paul Manafort worked for.) is all "Fuck YES y'all can have everything we've dug up on that Rectal Tumor of a Human Being!"

I guess Manafort surrendered not one, but THREE passports before reporting for house arrest, which is pretty typical of people who aren't in the habit of committing international financial crimes, right?

We're told Manafort frequently travelled under false names, among them Madame Penelope Grundle, mysterious dowager Countess, a famously poor baccarat player known for soliciting foot massages from Southern Europe's most eligible bachelors. (Manafort turns out to be surprisingly fetching under the appropriate wig, particularly once he's applied a beauty mark.)

The GOP, meanwhile, refuses to pass legislation protecting the Mueller investigation. Bob Corker's all, "He's not batshit enough to fire Mueller," apparently forgetting that the fuckhead SET THE WHOLE FUCKING INVESTIGATION OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE BY FIRING JIM COMEY FOR REFUSING TO PLEDGE LOYALTY.

I never knew this, but it turns out one of my favorite things about all the previous Presidents of my lifetime is how they never referred to the entire American justice system as a "joke" or a "laughingstock." I guess my fifth grade civics class didn't adequately prepare me for 2017's rapidly-plummeting standards.

Oh, and speaking of Levels of Depravity You Never Imagined an American President Could Possibly Sink To, I guess the Marmalade Shartcannon's lawyers are saying that slandering the women who've accused him of sexual assault is constitutionally protected free speech.

Sure, whatever. At this point, I just need Al Franken to bring that up at the impeachment trial, just in passing.

Scott Pruitt continues purging the EPA of scientists, because if you think science is a real thing, that means you have a "conflict of interest," unlike the noble avatars of impartiality he's replacing them with; fossil fuel company lobbyists.

And just to show everyone how serious the Shart House is about the whole Science is For Cucks initiative, wooooo doggie, get a load of the asspimple they're trying to push through to run NASA!

What next? Maybe they'll name Gallagher Chief of Staff at Walter Reed? Maybe the next Surgeon General will just be a waffle. That last Eggo waffle, freezerburned and forgotten underneath that one Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Marsala box you bought when you were feeling adventurous.

(Just to cleanse the pallet, let me offer you this profile of Betsy DeVos, focusing on what a hamfisted fuckup she is. Feel better?)

(But then, if you want to swing back in the other direction, here's a Mother Jones piece that shows just how deep in the derp our government really is. HOLY BALLS, DUDE.)

We got a look at some of the ads the Russkies unleashed on our dumbass electorate last year. Everything from race-baiting to arm-wrasslin' Jesus to color-your-own-sexxxy-Bernie to Here's Hillary Shitting on a Veteran's Grave While Giving Bin Laden a Hand Job, because, as I keep saying, Russia figured out how to weaponize our most prominent natural resource: morons.

Going microlocal, gather ye 'round to hear the tale of this shitty little white girl who poisoned her black roommate and got expelled and now faces hate crimes charges. Is America great again yet?

Mexico's former ambassador to the U.S. says the State Department's protocol urges diplomats to steer people to Orange Julius Caesar's shitty, gaudy, hotels. Got that? Low-T Rex doesn't think we need a sanctions office, but helpin' out Boss Shart with his petty grift is official policy.

And of course the Feral Jackasses in the House Republican Caucus continue bumbling through the construction of their tax "reform" bill, like stoned chimpanzees trying to put the Mousetrap board game together.

What's in it? Who the fuck knows? Not the Republican Party, a day or so before unveiling it, certainly. Rumors abound. Will it casually repeal the individual mandate, sending health insurance markets into an entirely predictable, economy-crushing death spiral? Will it cap tax-deductible contributions to 401(K) plans just so Charlie Koch can have his scrotum gilded?

Greg Gianforte chews absentmindedly at the cabbage patch doll has colleagues dressed up as a reporter to funnel his rage in less self-destructive directions. Steve King sits in the courier, raving about cantaloupes. Jim Jordan...is an asshole.

And of course the Man With Phalangeal Stunting is down in the trenches, personally working out the minute details of the bill, balancing the needs of the various stakeholders with the deftness of a master legislator, sort of like Lyndon-Johnson-as-played-by-the-Rock.

Hah hah just kidding, he doesn't even know what the fucking bill does. His contribution apparently comes down to wanting to call the legislation the "Cut Cut Cut" bill, because...I guess this "branding genius" doesn't have a lot left in the tank after "let's name it after me."

Seen this Vanity Fair piece? This is the best 36-leaker-sourced-portrait-of-a-dickless-tyrant-in-meltdown article since the heady days of the Priebus era. Not even a year in, Dorito Mussolini's already turning on his fucking FAMILY.

And of course Steve Bannon, that Pockmarked Grima Wormtongue, counsels his old boss to dig a trench around the Resolute Desk, declare himself Emperor for Life, and turn as much of America into Kurtz's camp as he can get away with.

Just for fun, let's check in on the new poll that says 59% of Americans call these shitty days "the lowest point in the nation's history that they can remember."

Jesus Fuck, polling's taken a dark turn of late, huh? Fuck it, let's keep digging. Let's find out how many hours daily the Average American spends gazing into the Abyss, and what percentage report the Abyss gazing back. How many people find Guernica a comparatively cheerful painting when placed alongside the morning's print edition of the Washington Post?


*Donnie wishes it were a Sunday. That's his Golf Day. Well, the second consecutive one.

But Other Than That, How Was Breakfast, Mr. Manafort?

Hiya, folks. As always, a few moments might make more sense with the links, on my site at:


Hey, Happy Indictment Day, everyone! I'm partaking of the traditional Indictment Day IPA Six-pack...if this post mysteriously cuts off halfway through, it's because I've passed out on my keyboard, hammered and cackling.

Before we enter the atmosphere to conduct a thorough exploration of Planet Schadenfreude, let's take a moment to appreciate Joy Reid's one-woman, two-fisted, journalism school master class.

Are you paying attention, The Rest of the Media? This is what we need from you, cuz Team Shart's last lingering hope is a massive misinformation campaign. So don't Both Sides that shit, don't give us "Fuckhead #6 says Hillary Clinton eats kittens," be like Joy Reid, and demolish Fort Horseshit with the Righteous Wrecking Ball of You're Just Making Stuff Up, And I SEE YOU, ASSHOLE.

Jared Kushner's being investigated in Maryland for being a slumlord, that's fun. If one of Obama's (or even W's) chief advisors found themselves under investigation for being a slumlord, the world would've ground to a halt. Now we're like, "Yeah, yeah...call me when you dig up the hooker graveyard."

I guess we can appreciate this profile of John Boehner in retirement. I just skimmed it, but I guess he says Jason Chaffetz and Jim Jordan are assholes (HOT TAKE, JOHN! You're all assholes.), somebody held a knife to his throat once, and I guess he spends all day writing spec scripts for an Andy Griffith Show relaunch, and cooking meth. Who the fuck cares? Boehner's a bag of festering shit. Just because there are somewhat larger bags of festering shit around now doesn't make Boehner less of a bag of festering shit.

Puerto Rico canceled the too-corrupt-to-believe-even-by-fucking-Drumpf-era-standards contract with Cowboy Z's hometown buds. Everybody's basically sitting around hoping that with all the various shitstorms going on, there just won't be any lawyers left to dig too deeply into just how this ridiculous grift got set up in the first place.

And some of the "white lives matter" jagoffs spilled over from their pathetic little cosplay march in Tennessee to gang up on an interracial couple in a nearby restaurant, because I guess Shitty White Supremacist Loser Terrorism is just a thing we let happen now.

Seems some member of the Master Race decided to demonstrate his genetic superiority by punching a woman in the face. Hey, Dickless. Bring your show to Chicago some time. I'll give you the names of a few bars to walk into. Try pulling your shit there. See what happens.

The Marmalade Shartcannon was administered a particularly sturdy taint punt by today's Gallup poll, hitting a new low, with a mere 33% approving, and 62% opting for "Fuck that spraytanned sack of liposuction fat, he suxxxx."

And that was BEFORE the big news hit.

That news, of course, was the start of the Bundy Ranch standoff trial.

Anyhow, I think that's everything, Resisters! I'll check in later in the week, and don't forget to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!!!



What, did I miss something?

Oh, you mean the indictments? No, I've been assured by most powerful men and women in the country that the whole Mueller thing'll be wrapping up any minute now, and that it's a big ol' nothingburger anyway.

I mean, if y'all want a make a big deal out of the President of the United States' former campaign manager (and his faithful stooge) being indicted on 12 charges, I guess I can't stop you from getting caught up in the LAMESTREAM LIBTARD MEDIA'S CONSPIRACY TO COVER UP BENGHAZIURANIUMANVINCEFOSTERGATE, you CUCKS!

In all honesty, it was almost kind of a letdown at first, right? We had the whole "Tune in Monday to see just who the lucky indictee will be!" teaser Friday night, and we had a whole weekend to fantasize about, say, Stephen Miller locking himself in a West Wing bathroom, hiding from the FBI, crying about how he's not ready to go prison for life, for Christ's sake, no woman since his mother has seen his bare shoulders!

But you knew it was gonna be Manafort. We've read about all the shit he's neck-deep in for months now, and the safe money was always on Manafort being the first domino.

So you saw it was Manafort, and I guess his loser sidekick who you haven't thought about much, and it was like "That's cool, it's good news, but I hope the next episode has more dragons or something, because this show's getting predictable."

...and that's about when you noticed that OTHER indictment.

"George Papadopoulos? I read something about him a while back, what's this about?"


He's already pleaded guilty? To lying to the FBI? Over contacts with Russia? While working for the Trump campaign? And there's all sorts of shit in there about other high-ranking officials bein' in the loop on the treasonous shenanigans?

Well shit. Looks like we got ourselves a ballgame here.

Cuz now, attempted collusion is proven. Confessed to. We already had that with the famous Dumbass, Jr. meeting, but now we know this whole campaign was just THIRSTY FOR TREASON.

And consensus rapidly developed that Papadopoulos, a small fish, almost certainly wore a wire for Mueller, and surely delivered the goods on some of the major players, or we wouldn't have learned about his plea today.

So just IMAGINE the paranoia engulfing this gang of bumbling crooks today. A few of them understand they've fucked themselves thoroughly over via conversations with Little Papi, which they only now understand were recorded, and snugly rest in Mueller's hands.

The rest? Well, who knows who's flipped and who hasn't? Does anybody imagine that a gimpy tapeworm like Reince Priebus hasn't cracked?

So Sam Clovis is in trouble. (And not just for potential heart health issues! I don't want to body-shame on a progressive blog, but good golly Sam! You look like you wash down your breakfast plate of gravy and gravy with a tall glass of Crisco, ya fat fuck!) Clovis is likely the unnamed "supervisor" in the Papaderpaderp indictment. Manafort seems to be in additional trouble here as well. And Corey Lewandowski may be caught in this particular dirtbag-trap as well, HEE FUCKIN' HEE.

And of course we have the now-famous photo of Poopadopeadope sitting happily in a meeting with the Shart himself and one Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. And my god, if this little twerp's testimony leads to that racist mediocrity's career ending in disgrace, I'll build him a fucking statue.

Well, maybe a butter sculpture.

But let us not lose sight of the day's minutia, for the time shall surely come when we will be asked to recount the finest details of America's struggle for Her very soul, over evenings of Boxed Wine and Trivial Pursuit. On that day, dear reader, you will be called on to remember just how much American Traitor Paul Manafort fucking loved rugs.

And of course Sarah Huckabee Sanders (Who I saw described today as "The Uncredible Huck," and you can bet your ass I'm stealing that.) dutifully marched out to sneer at the press and condescendingly proclaim that the indictment of Drumpf's campaign manager is really an indictment of Hillary Clinton because...reasons.

Oh, and Sanders also pitched the GOP tax plan by plagiarizing an internet forward from fifteen years ago, because that's the intellectual rigor applied by the executive branch these days.

If you're looking for a maraschino cherry on your schadenfreude cupcake, may I suggest this Tweet from the account James Comey set up to troll the cheap crook who fired him?

Of course, if you're looking for an alternative emotional experience, you could poke around in the darker corners of the right wing maniacosphere, where you can find plenty of folks counseling a hard turn to full-out, rule-of-law-shredding fascism. May I recommend Judge Jeanine? Pat Robertson? The Wall Street Journal Editorial Board?

Things were actually awful for Team Treasonweasel OUTSIDE of the Russia Kerfuffle, if you can believe that. Like, your wife's leaving you for her Pilates instructor, and then you get home to find the basement's flooded and there's nothing left of the Halloween candy but Mounds.

First off, a federal judge blocked the Velveeta Urinal Cake's proposed ban on transgender soldiers, because "I'm absolutely desperate to throw my shitty, hateful, base something resembling a victory" isn't a constitutionally sound reason for a draft-dodging testicle tumor to steal anyone's civil rights, turns out.

And Susan Collins, who ain't afraid of no Shart, laid out her demands regarding the new tax reform legislation, and they are...not compatible with the Ryan/Koch game plan.

See, the GOP was REALLY hoping they'd get away with repealing Obamacare and cutting their donor class' taxes before the indictments starting flying, but now they're stuck wearing I Betrayed My Country and All I Got Was the Repeal of a Regulation That Made it Harder For Oil Companies to Bribe Foreign Governments t-shirts.

Anyway, know that Mitch McConnell is scrambling to get as many Deplorables as possible confirmed to federal judgeships before the Treason hashtags start tending in earnest, because Yertle might be a fucker, but he is a savvy fucker. (Unlike Devin Nunes, who is, as longtime readers will already know, merely a Pigfucker.)

And I see Facebook's all "Hey, yeah...turns out our website got hijacked by a Russian troll farm and basically they used us to spread fake news that was probably seen by more or less half of the country during the election, soooooooo...our bad?"

...deploying social media trolls to weaponize our blossoming moron crop. Looking back now, it seems obvious. Tragically, embarrassingly, obvious.

Of course you knew you'd see a whole swarm of those sourced-by-sixty-five-off-the-record-leakers stories about Smallhands McNopenis throwing his usual self-pity-and-hair-tonic-fueled tantrums. Well, pick your poison.

Golly it's fun watching SHARTUS' dwindling circle of defenders melt down in the wake of the indictments. Sean Hannity and Noot Gingrich are frantically, pathetically spinning, even as I write this. And Carter Page? Fuck only knows what's going on in Carter Page's head. That boy could get lost in his own shower.

Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IVANKA! Your whole shitty family is colossally fucked, we're about to discover what traitorous shitsacks you all are, your family name will be a curse word and punchline for generations, your GremlinDork husband's going to jail, the money will all disappear, and you'll spend the rest of your days loathed and shunned by decent people everywhere.

If it makes you feel any better, Princess, you'll probably look back on today as one of the good days. Comparatively.

Hope there was cake today, is all I'm sayin'.

PS - Golly, I guess John Kelly decided to really lean in to his heel turn tonight. Fuck that guy. There's plenty of room on the trash heap of history, General.
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