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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 488

Journal Archives

Are you ready for...Tuesday Nite Madness?

So, it was a relatively tame weekend, by 2017 standards. Oh sure, maybe down in Texas a few legislators threatened to shoot each other, and maybe th'Post published a disturbing exposé that revealed the intelligence community has to resort to tricks like filling our Idiot Manchild President's intelligence briefings with pornographic cartoons and scratch n' sniff stickers to get him to pay attention, but generally the madness rained down so lightly you'd scarcely even notice it...

Sharty McFly returned from his Big Boy overseas trip all proud of himself for not accidentally starting a world war, for which Reince Priebus rewarded him with a lollipop, even though he lacked the stamina to walk alongside the other G7 leaders and had to chug along behind them in a golf cart groaning under the sheer orange bloat of him. (UPDATE: the golf cart was euthanized.)

Yeah, it went perfectly, even though everyone was more or less laughing in his face, and Angela Merkel was all, "Fuck these Yankee lunatics, any nation that gets duped by a ruse as Michael-Bay-stupid as Pizzagate can't be trusted, I'm the leader of the free world now, bitches, and the leader of the free world says everybody has to eat bratwurst and wear lederhosen and any other stereotypical German things that can be drudged up for cheap laughs!" (Historians note that this is the paragraph where this post became "problematic."

Anyway, Team Shart is setting up a mega-rad WAR ROOM to fight back against all scandals that keep popping up because everyone is corrupt, evil, and incompetent. They're even talking about bringing back Season One cast member Corey Lewandowski, in case there are any lady reporters who need roughing up! Asking the clods who perpetrated the neverending shitshow these assclowns finds themselves floudering about it in strikes me as a bit like asking the Chicken from Moana to carve the Statue of David, but by all means...proceed. (484 anonymous sources tell me the war room will have laser tag, and a ball pit.)

Jared Kushner continues to find himself in deeper shit than he had ever imagined was possible. Nobody can even come up with a good lie to cover his Ernest Goes to the Kremlin ass, so he's finally facing down a problem Daddy's Checkbook can't solve. And if that doesn't bring a smile to your face, Resisters, I don't know what will.

Memorial Day gave us the unforgettable image of the Marmalade Shartcannon treating the national anthem at Arlington like a Fenway Park singalong of Sweet Caroline, as well as Ivanka encouraging all the plebes to make super-fun champagne popsicles, probably to take to the graves of their family members who died in the Middle East so that Rex Tillerson could sell oil rights to sanctioned banks. Champagne popsicles might not fill the enormous void left by the loss of a loved one, BUT THEY ALSO JUST MIGHT YOU'LL NEVER KNOW TILL YOU TRY, RIGHT?

Oh hey, and Chuck Woolery turned out to be kind of a low-grade Nazi, who knew, but he's doing this weird thing on twitter where he's listing people who are Jewish? Which is maybe some fun new racist game show, I guess? Also, Chuck Woolery is apparently still alive?

Didja see that thing where Pumpkin Spice Goebbels decided he wanted a Coat of Arms so as to seem all European and fancy so he just stole some other family's Coat of Arms and slapped his flabby, tiny-fingered little name across it? FLASH POLL: Pathetic thing, or the MOST pathetic thing?

Shart House Communications Director Mike Dubke became the first rat to desert the sinking ship today, because somehow everyone else thinks there's some remote possibility that all this shit works out and they all get to sail away to the Grey Havens in three and a half years. One can only assume that Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer believe that Shane lives.

Anyhow, CNN, feeling insecure about being scooped by dying media like NYT and WaPo and Teen Vogue, broke the news that Vlad and Co. threw a little party to celebrate all the influence they'd have over the current administration what with all the oligarch debts and piss hooker videos and whatnot. Sean Spicer's ulcer celebrated by expanding through his entire chest cavity.

Faced with the Republican-controlled Senate's inability to pass health care or tax reform legislation under reconciliation rules, the Candycorn Skidmark demanded an end to the filibuster, because he is a stupid, stupid man who doesn't understand one fucking thing about his job. Sources say he will eventually push for bills to pass by a vote of Tom Cotton, two sock puppets on each of Tom Cotton's hands, and Ted Cruz in hat that says "Make America Great Again Also My Dad Killed Kennedy."

Senator/Faux Maverick John McCain went down to Australia and talked about how "unsettled" he was by Donald Trump. Back home in America, Senator Ben Sasse talked about the "anxiety" he feels about the leader of his party. These two men continue to stand, proud and defiant, condemning the President with utterly useless words, while voting for his agenda nearly 100% of the time, hoping none of their constituents ever figure out the difference between Actions and Words.

Sad Lackey/Pigfucker Devin Nunes told a group of GOP donors that the whole Russia investigation was FAKE GNUS, fake like that hot Russian model who hits on you on Match.com but asks for your credit card before you can get topless pics! Sure, a whole bunch of intelligence officials have testified to the contrary, but Devin really wants a white house job to fill the hours between the sporadic fucking of pigs he gets up to.

Meanwhile, Drumpf's personal lawyer Michael Cohen has denied requests to comply with congressional investigations, setting up the inevitable round of subpoenas. After having made a career from bullying clout-less small-time contractors on behalf of his scumfuck boss, it's particularly satisfying to watch this asshole squirm. Perhaps in the near future, he'll get the opportunity to drop his signature "Says Who?" catchphrase on the cell mate who remarks that He Sure Has a Purty Mouth.

Mike Flynn decided to turn over some of the documents that've been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence committee because he is today's CUCK OF THE DAY. When you hear the special CUCK OF THE DAY prompt (Which is a spittle-drenched gamergater screeching "CUUUUUUUCK" into his Xbox live headset), be the seventh caller to win a front row seat to protest alongside fellow besweatpantsed MRA losers at an all-female screening of WONDER WOMAN.

Oh, and then AP broke the gnus that Cheeto Broderick Crawford* has been giving world leaders his personal, unsecured cell phone number so that they can call him up to talk about how Arnold sucks at hosting the Apprentice and to swap state secrets while his buddies Sergei and Sergey listen in. And you find yourself wondering, "Who is dumber, the President of the United States of America, or Some Mike and Ikes That Melted Together Because You Left Them in the Car?" And you realize that you'd probably rather be governed by the Mike and Ikes if you had a choice.

There's more, of course, There's always more. We're probably about to exit the Paris Climate Agreement, and investigators are disappearing while investigating Ivanka's sweatshops in China, and Drumpf's twitter account is adding bots like Ultron, but there's only so much madness a fellah can handle before he starts chewing on his own toes like so much jerky, so let me leave you with the always-appropriate observation that...shit be cray, people...shit be cray.

*Fuck you. YOU try making up all these nicknames every fucking week.

Another entry in the American Madness Journal...

Yeah yeah, we all woke up in a world where some rich dude got elected to congress the day after body-slamming a reporter*. It sucks, and of course the media loves to trot out smug idiots in their Funyon-stained TRUMP THAT BITCH sweatshirts to talk about how All Them Reporters Haz it Comin', but you know what? Every single congressional district except ONE isn't in Montana, and they're all up for grabs in a year and a half.

So get busy resistin' or get busy dyin', says I.

And if you need a little pick-me-up, you can take a moment to delight in all the advertisers fleeing Sean Hannity's show like a Depeche Mode concert where they announce they're only doing shit from the last two albums. Sean announced a snap vacation, presumably to check to see that all his Horcruxes are still safe.

There was that little thing where a Florida GOP operative openly confessed to colluding with Russian hacker Guccifer 2.0 in leaking DCCC documents, and then Guccifer sent Roger Stone a link to the colluder's blog. Basically, we're now officially one small step from proving collusion between Russia and the Shart campaign and I haven't been this aroused since I was a kid watching the Madonna scenes in DICK TRACY.

Orange Julius Caesar continues to stumble around Europe like a spoiled toddler in suburban shopping mall. He's pushing foreign heads of state around so he can get to the front of the line because his mommy told him he was the Specialest Boy and Is Montenegro a Real Country Anyway, and telling everyone how Germany is Bad and Arnold Schwarzenegger got worse ratings on the Apprentice than he did.

After taking extra special care to avoid "lecturing" the autocratic mass murderers he was selling a fuckton of guns to, Grimace's Senile Orange Uncle decided that a 9/11 commemoration ceremony was the perfect place to lecture all those nations that rushed to our defense in the days after 9/11. There was much eye rolling and mocking from European heads of state, and Shiny New French President Emmanuel Macron even showed Dorito Mussolini how a real man plays the crushing handshake game, to the amusement of all. (Having vanquished Drumpf at his chosen domination ritual, Macron will now have first rights to Ivanka when Jared Kushner goes to jail, which you know really eats Donnie's ass.)

(Oh by the by, after the leader of the free world's assurance that Silly Ol' Human Rights don't fucking matter anymore, Bahrain immediately engaged in a bloody crackdown on dissenters, which is a coincidence just like John Cusack running into Kate Beckinsale over and over again, except with murder instead of shitty romcom tropes.)

Yup, Ol' Shartful went out and shit on our most loyal allies, which must be what Big Daddy Vlad made him do before he could collect this week's allowance. The fact that he keeps doing exactly what Russia wants while being accused of having shady ties to Russia is a puzzle, isn't it? Just a Gordian Fucking Knot.

Mike Pence, a couple days after endorsing and campaigning for a petulant rage monster, gave a graduation speech at the Naval Academy, citing "character" and "integrity," in an apparent attempt to goad his God into striking him down with a bolt of lightning. Having avoided his inevitable comeuppance for another day, Pence retired to a private cabin to furiously fap to pictures of firemen raping Dalmatians.

Oh, 'member that little story about Jaunty Jim Comey basing his decision to interfere in the election with a public scolding of our Hilldawg partially on that document that most of the folks in the FBI thought was fake? Well, TURNS OUT Jimmy Boy was like "Duh, I know it's fake, but it might get out and people might think it's real, so I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do," because Comey's reputation is THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD, BIGGER THAN A CURE FOR CANCER DELIVERED IN THE HOLY GRAIL, THE MACGUFFIN OF ALL MACGUFFINS, THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT HAS EVER TRULY MATTERED.

Seriously. There should be scroll text before all the Mad Max movies that says "Yeah, we're all in this shit because this one dude was worried Gail Collins might write a nasty column about him. Anyway, time to kill folks for fuel and water!"

Former House Speaker John Boehner told the world that in his view, Tangerine Idi Amin has been "a complete disaster," proving that bipartisanship isn't totally dead. Boehner went on to call the President a "Disgrace to whatever weird, white-dudes-who-are-also-orange ethnicity we seem to share." In response, the White House issued a statement claiming that Trump is rubber, Boehner is glue, and whatever Boehner says bounces off of Trump and sticks to Boehner. (On this, the science is currently inconclusive.)

The Mighty Hilldawg gave a witheringly badass commencement speech at her alma mater, Wellesley, today. She laughed at Shartboy's tiny crowds and petty lies and alternative man hands and basically announced she's planning on sitting in the gallery during his impeachment hearing with 40 and a joint, laughing her popular-vote-winning ass off while he goes down in flames like a common Dick Nixon. She threw up her middle fingers, from which there issued a purifying light that flew through the air to the very White House itself, where it shattered Sean Spicer's pet rock and made Reince Priebus shit his pants in fear.

In the background, Sheriff Dave Clarke continues to field inquiries into his plagiarized master's thesis and fraudulent uniform flair with all the artfulness of a twice-baked potato. While it's certainly welcome news that the plagiarism might derail his appointment to DHS, you have to wonder why that thing where a mentally ill man died of dehydration in his jail because NOBODY GAVE HIM WATER FOR A FUCKING WEEK WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PETTY SADISTS wasn't, y'know, a little more disqualifying. Anyway, Sheriff Dave gets SUPER PISSED when a reporter calls him to point out that he has a bunch of Cracker Jack prizes on his uniform so that people will think he's some kind of highly decorated supercop, instead of just a piece of shit who tortures people to death.

There was a little story today about how the White House is gonna look into vetting the Marmalade Shartcannon's tweets, because they might be getting everybody into political, and even legal, trouble. Golly, didja just figure that one out, Sun Tzu?

Dropping in on the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, JeffBeau continues to reshape the Justice Department into a weapon for the wealthy to wield against the serf class. Will he prosecute Citibank for a lil' ol' crime like laundering money for years an' years? Why, NAW. Will he have Justice side with a predatory lender that foreclosed on a serviceman's house while he was serving his third tour of duty in the Middle East? "Why, that deadbeat should be ashamed of himself, missin' payments while doin' such an incawnsequeeeential thing as takin' fire in a war zone."

It's really hard to imagine failing at Being a Human Being any worse than Jeff Sessions. Every time he looks into a mirror, the mirror farts and disintegrates.

The Senate Intelligence Committee ordered the Shart Campaign to turn over all their documents for investigation. All of 'em. Every email, phone call and piece of paper, which means some poor intern's gonna have to sift through a ten pound box of Steve Bannon's liquor store receipts until we find the note where these assclowns agreed to trade absolution of all their bankruptcy debts for an easing of sanctions, Guam, and probably Katy Perry singing at a few Oligarch birthday parties. And pity the poor staffer who has to sort through Mike Pence's horrendous, subhuman, porn history.

But then juuuuuuuust when you were thinking you'd get to enjoy your Friday night binging Veronica's Closet without the Sharknado of Scandal intruding into your brainspace, WaPo chimed in with dat notification that they push so well (unh) and it turns out that Jared Kushner had some secret meetings with the Russian ambassador to set up a little off-the-record, super secret n' secure, hidden from everybody else in America back channel line so that they could stay up all night talking about boys and clothes.

Oh, and this was in a meeting he failed to disclose on the forms he had to fill out to get his security clearance, which is crime. Now, I got banned for life from Hy-Vee for shoplifting baseball cards, so there damn well best be some consequences here.

Oh, did I mention that Jeff Sessions and Mike Flynn committed the exact same crime? And that the meetings they failed to disclose were also with...th' Russians? That three members of the Shart's inner circle committed such similar crimes is just Ace-Ventura-wacky, don'tcha think? Anyway, these assholes still have access to classified information, so SLEEP TIGHT.

Reuters followed up with the revelation that there were an additional THREE instances of contact with the Jarster and his Russian besties throughout the campaign and transition, and that the FBI is investigating whether this team of poor-man's-David-Mamet-grifters were willing to trade the relaxing of American sanctions on Russia for personal financing favors.

Shit is all kinds of real, folks.

'Member when it turned out Jar-Jar was pro-firing-Comey-to-head-off-the-Russia-investigation? Funny, that.

Anyway, I'm sure there's a perfectly good, ethical, legal, excusable reason for all this secrecy, all this lying, all this covering-up. I bet they were all just planning a kickass surprise party for a mutual friend, and the Washington Post just ruined the surprise so now everybody just has to go to the same dumb pizza joint they go to every year, and they don't even allow piss hookers, so THANKS A MILLION, JOURNALISM.

Dunno what to say, except...shit be cray.

*It's really hard not to make wrestling jokes here. Like, dude went "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK OF THE CBO SCORE!" and Rock Bottoms the reporter through the Spanish announcer's table. Too specific?

Long, batshit crazy day. Is there any other kind anymore?

Let's start with the good news, Resistors! Didja see that shit where a couple of badass Democratic women won state legislative seats in New York and New Hampshire? Seats held by Republicans since Mitch McConnell was a mere hatchling? Seats that Drumpf carried by safe margins just last November? Yeah. That was pretty sweet, wasn't it?

Anyhow, the morning sun greeted us with the news that our Idiot Manchild President had somehow managed to make the Happiest of All Possible Popes sad, which isn't really surprising, actually. I imagine Baloo would probably commit suicide if he had to spend twenty minutes with this clown, realizing that he really is President of the Fucking United States.

In a bit of petty cruelty, it seems that Sean Spicer, a devout Catholic who serves as Spraytan Himmler's personal sewage treatment plant, sucking up shit for him day and day out, was denied his once-in-a-lifetime chance to meet the Pope, possibly the only perk of a job that has cost him his reputation, his legacy, and his decency. Anyway, the odds of Spicey going rogue and telling the press stories about his boss trying to order James Comey's murder while gargling hooker pee have drastically increased.

Somebody in the White House leaked the transcript of Shartboy's phone call with Serial Mass Murderer/World Leader Apparently Rodrigo Duterte, and golly what a meeting of the minds that was. The leader of the free world complemented a petty tinpot dictator on all the murdering he's been up to, which made every other American President roll in their graves and even the living ones involuntarily do the hokey pokey, because extra-judicial murders are maybe not in tune with the principals our nation was founded on? Oh, and because he's perpetually compensating for his tiny tiny tiny tiny hands, he even bragged to this barely-significant thug, basically If Heads of State Were All Hair Bands, This Guy Is White Lion, about the super-ridiculously-classified locations of our submarine fleet.

You should never give classified intel to a dude with the insecurity levels of a zit-covered sixth grade boy at his first school dance. Is apparently a lesson the world needed to learn in 2017.

Meanwhile, Michael Flynn's subpoena collection is getting SO SWEET, y'all. He's now been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee, the House Intelligence Committee, the Philadelphia Phillies, the West Coast Avengers, and the Barista at My Starbucks Who's Always Pestering People With Card Tricks. Everybody's made extra sure to write "You want immunity? LOL!" on the subpoenas, in crayon, because Mike Flynn is about as fucked as a human being can be without having reached retirement age in the pornography industry.

Speaking of legal troubles, Shart Garfunkel's lawyering up! He hired a dude who's also represented a giant Russian bank tied to Putin because maybe he doesn't know anyone without shady Russian ties, I guess. Oh, and he's gonna try to use campaign funds to pay for the enormous legal defense he's gonna need, which is one more middle finger to all the working class folks he's duped into supporting him.

Senitent Testicular Tumor Sean Hannity continued his meltdown today, screeching about all the persecution he's facing just cuz he's traumatizing a grieving family for the sake of spreading an utterly baseless conspiracy backed by nothing but the unsupported ravings of a known dirtbag liar. (If you're not familiar with Kim Dot Com, it would be absolutely sinful for me to spoil the google search that awaits you. Wear gloves.) The advertisers have started to jump ship, but let's all keep dogpiling on this horror a human being; in any just society, he'd be driven into the hills.

Hey, remember your salad days, when you didn't need to know what "emoluments" meant? Those days have gone the way of Triple Chocolate Twix and Perfect Strangers, my friends, as today we learned that the Shart Organization has decided it can't be bothered to track every little bribe that gets funneled to the President's family by foreign governments in their hotels, cuz they'll be damned if they'll let a silly thing like the law get in the way of the hot, sticky, grift they've lucked into.

And as you were sifting through the day's madness, NYT broke that little story about how a Russian document that most intelligence professionals agreed was clearly fake and designed to fuck with U.S. spyfolk was apparently a key factor in Jazzy Jim Comey's decision to whip his wang out in the middle of the American election, muddying waters and casting doubt and ultimately enabling the election of the Perpetually Tantruming Toddler who is currently ruining everything from diplomacy to the judicial system to steak. The big takeaway here is that Comey is obviously an agent of some forgotten civilization's Chaos Gods, and he's not going to stop fucking shit up until Planet of the Apes is a fucking documentary.

Dr. Ben Carson, who is somehow good at brain surgery despite having a second-grade understanding of literally every other aspect of life on Earth, weighed in on the nature of poverty, which he claimed is simply a "state of mind." This is sure to be welcome news to the millions of folks kicking and clawing and biting just to make it to their next paycheck; perhaps their landlords and doctors and utility companies will accept Optimism as legal tender from now on, thanks to Dr. Ben's hot fucking take.

In international intelligence news, it turns out that Israel has made undisclosed changes in how it shares intel with the U.S., and other nations are in various stages of following suit. It's almost like having a chief executive who haphazardly leaks highly classified intelligence to authoritarians because he wants them to invite him over for sleepovers where they eat a whole bunch of pizza and try to beat Contra without the Konami code might have some negative consequences. HUH.

Oh, remember when Toupee Fiasco stood up and bellowed about all the jobs he saved at Carrier, that air conditioning company in Indiana? 7 million dollars in tax breaks, but Oh Golly The Jobs He Had Saved? Yeah, Carrier announced it's firing 632 workers, and sending their jobs to Mexico. Nice work, Not-So-Great Pumpkin.

Obviously, the biggest gnus was the CBO score of the Serfs Live Too Long Anyway Act, excuse me, the "AHCA." 24 million Americans will lose health insurance, millions more will piss their money away on plans that won't provide services when they're needed, people with pre-existing conditions are fucked, old people are fucked, medical bankruptcies make a comeback just like Family Guy only with Death instead of inane gay jokes.

But don't worry, campers, it's all for a good cause! A $663,000,000,000 tax cut for the wealthy fucks who, WHAT A ZANY COINCIDENCE, bankroll the House GOP's campaigns! This bill even manages LESS deficit reduction than AHCA mark one, but damn if doesn't keep the wealth distribution from your-cancer-treatment-to-David-Koch's-Hummel-figurine-fund totally fucking intact.

Paul Ryan, because he is a soulless monster, actually did a wee victory dance over the CBO score. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell ya.

Low-income seniors in states that take the waiver the Freedom Caucusers fought so hard for stand to see their premiums increase more than 800%. EIGHT HUNDRED PERCENT. Needless to say, that's more money than anyone can afford. So what happens there is, people who are old but not too old for Medicare can't afford health insurance, so they drop out of the market, and then the market "corrects," and premiums drop. Because the sickest, neediest people can't afford insurance, and just DIE, premiums for the rest of us go down. AND THAT'S WHAT PAUL RYAN IS CELEBRATING TONIGHT, PRESUMABLY OVER A CUPCAKE MADE FROM A MIX HE FOUND IN THE PANTRY OF SOME LADY WHO DIED FROM A TREATABLE CONDITION SHE JUST COULDN'T AFFORD ANYMORE BECAUSE OF PAUL PIGFUCKING RYAN.

All to finance tax cut for the Swiss Family Robinshart and their rich buddies. Don't forget his budget contains FURTHER health care cuts. So now they'll all go back to their old strategy of just straight lying, telling everyone their plan covers everybody and lowers costs and probably brings back Firefly or some shit.

On the bright side, this shit is horrendously unpopular, and the House GOP is so fucking scared of the electoral consequences almost none of them have the sack to hold a town hall. 17 months 'till the midterms, you fucks.

The rabid morlocks of the Freedom Caucus, feelin' cocky about having custom-designed the anchor they tied to their colleagues' ankles, decided tonight was the perfect time to drop a statement saying they'd oppose any clean debt ceiling hike, because some men just want to watch the world burn. Mark Meadows has slit the throat of a virgin goat, painted his face with its blood, and set fire to Orrin Hatch's car, in what I'm told is a leadership challenge ritual he made up twenty minutes ago after chugging three bottles of Boone's Farm Blue Hawaiian.

Oh, and it turns out the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, in addition to lying about his contacts with the Russians in his confirmation hearings, also lied on his security clearance application forms, which means the Justice Department is headed by a dude who's broken a whole Denny's Grand Slam Skillet's worth of federal laws. Jeff Sessions must be longing for the days when he was an inconsequential Senator who was too racist to be invited to trivia night at legislator bars.

Pretty nutty day, amiright? You ain't seen nuthin' yet, friends.

If you ever wanted politics to be more like pro wrestling, your wildest dreams came true tonight! The GOP candidate in tomorrow's special House election in Montana (some jag named Greg something, who cares) had a reporter ask him, WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN THE CBO SCORE RUNS WILD ON YOU? And Greg-O "body slammed" him. Physically assaulted him. In front of other journalists, too. Took him down and just started whalin' on him.

Because this is what the Republican Party has come to in this Age of Shart; rage-filled dipshits lashing out because they don't like that people are allowed to ask them questions. Team Greg issued a totally bullshit statement with their own made-up version of what happened, which was debunked not only by the smackdowned reporter's audio recording, but by the FOX NEWS journalists who witnessed it. When Fox News calls a Republican a liar, you know the dude is a LIAR.

It's a whole fucking shitstorm, folks. Did you ever imagine you'd live to see such days? If it gets you down, let me leave you with this...google "Al Franken Cruz joke." Worth it.

Anyhow. Shit be cray, amiright?

Late thoughts on the day's madness...

Y'know what's absolutely fucking nutty, friends? I look at today's news, which would have made newspapers in any other year in human history shriek like banshees, and I think "Meh. Not really up to the standards of say, last Wednesday."

In short...shit be cray.

Over the weekend, David Lynch's TWIN PEAKS returned to television, and Mississippi lawmaker Karl Oliver celebrated by saying that people who oppose the removal of monuments dedicated to treasonous confederate losers should be lynched! Isn't it fun that there are still old white dudes in the south who want angry mobs to carry out extra-legal murders of folks who oppose racism? It just gives you Andy-Griffith-style warm fuckin' fuzzies, makes you wanna pour cough syrup and Sudafed into a big ol' vat of your gramma's sweet tea, slap on a white hood and ride around burning crosses in some lawns, DOESN'T IT? Not to get all editorial, but fuck each and every single person who decides that Protecting Confederate Monuments is a cause worth fighting for.

Speaking of lynching...oh, what's that? You thought that there would only be one story about lynching, because it's the 21st century and we're more civilized than that? Nah, brah, we're in Donald Trump's Amerikkka now, and you're lucky we're not quite to the point where you need a special newsletter JUST for fucking lynching news.

Anyway, Representative Al Green, who recently called for the Orange Julius Caesar's impeachment on the floor of the House because he's ahead of his time, like the Elon Musk of taking our country back, shared some of the death threats he got from the little shartkins, including yes, talk of stringing him up, from the type of dickless jagoffs who watch Mississippi Burning and get the same wistful nostalgic feeling that I get from hearing Kenny Chesney sing a song about drinking beer in high school.

And then, goddammit, on the University of Maryland campus, Richard Collins III was actually lynched, stabbed to death by a 22-year-old wannabe Klansman piece of human garbage, just the latest act of horrifying violence perpetrated by the increasingly brazen white supremacist movement. And our President, who can't let a sketch comedy parody pass without comment, won't say one fucking word of condemnation about this shit.

Beyond that, the weekend was relatively quiet.

The Marmalade Shartcannon left on his Big Boy trip, and it was nice to be rid of him for a bit, wasn't it? For at least a few days, this pussy-grabbing fraudster wouldn't defile the Oval Office with his oozing indecency.

And boy howdy, do the Saudis have our Idiot Manchild President figured out. Give him a shiny gold medal, project his bloated Harkonnen face on the side of building, and he'll do whatever the fuck you want. Sell you weapons the Obama administration wouldn't? Shit, he'll even have his boy, Feyd-Rautha Kusher BARGAIN AN AMERICAN COMPANY DOWN SO YOU GET A BETTER PRICE. Pressure for human rights violations? I don't see any need for that, behead whoever the fuck you want, I've never seen my fat fucking head so big before!

The Saudis even sweetened the pot with a cool hundred-million-dollar donation to Ivanka's foundation which is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from the Saudi donations to the crooked Clinton foundation in that it is much fucking larger.

Oddly, after months and months of telling everybody that only through the Unrivaled Mystic Power of Saying 'Radical Islam' Aloud could terrorism be forever vanquished, Donnie TOTALLY CUCKED OUT because he is the Cuckiest Cuck who ever Cucked. He also bowed to the Saudi king, who then fucked his wife while he watched, because he is a Cuck.

There was also that whole thing with the Orb, but by this point in the day, literally every single Orb joke has been told, so just insert your favorite in this paragraph and give me credit for it, okay?

Incidentally, it took about a day and a half for the Velveeta-Stuffed Tick to start cancelling events, citing "exhaustion." Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment as she was busy shotputting bowling balls off the mountain she had climbed just because it was there. Don't worry though, Shartboy sent a replacement to cover for him. Oh, no, not like, the Secretary of State; he's an oil baron who doesn't have any relevant experience. He sent his daughter, who designs costume jewelry. Because we're a hereditary monarchy now. Did you miss that meeting?

Wilbur Ross, still surly at having been left out of the quest to the Lonely Mountain, tagged along on his boss' trip in case he needed any money laundered. He marveled at the lack of protests he encountered in a nation where protests are illegal. In fact, upon learning that dissent is sometimes punishable by beheading in Saudi Arabia, ol' Wilbur's withered dwarf wang became partially erect for the first time in lo these many centuries.

Shart-o the Clown then left the Middle East for Israel (his words, not mine). He wasted no time in confirming that Israel was indeed the source of the classified intel he leaked The Spy Firm of Sergei and Sergey, as only a man of such limited intellect can; he defiantly informed the media that they were dastardly and dishonest in reporting that he had told the Russians that Israel was the intel's source, which is something literally no one accused him of. Everyone was embarrassed at how triumphal he looked, like some dipshit kid beaming that he just own-goaled himself.

Oh, and Michael Flynn invoked his fifth amendment privileges today.

(This space inserted to give you time to look up old statements and tweets where Flynn and his allies inferred the guilt of various members of the Clinton State Department for invoking the fifth. I'll get a fudgcicle and meet you back here in five.)

Anyway, yeah, he's choosing not obey his subpoena, which doesn't legally apply to the documents in question, so now we'll see if these Republican-controlled committees have any teeth. Having staved off his reckoning for another day, Flynn returned to his basement, where he's set up all his green plastic army men, who he likes to lead in imaginary "Lock her up" chants, as old Abu Ghraib torture videos play in the background for comfort.

Speaking of Flynn, it broke later that he lied to Pentagon investigators about his shady-ass Russian income, according to a letter from all-around-badass-and-also-Congressman Elijah Cummings, but it's not like lying to a federal investigator is a crime.

Wait, what? Oh. It is a crime, y'say? Well shit, Mikey Me Boy-o, you'd best offer something real real special if you want that immunity you're always askin' for. Cuz honestly son, you've broken more laws than an entire NFL team.

In the background, some of the particularly leprous souls in the right wing media scumosphere have decided to aim for the REALLY exclusive circles of Hell, and continue exploiting the death of Seth Rich despite the total debunking of their story and that whole basic-human-decency-in-the-face-of-a-grieving-family thang. Sean Hannity and Newt Gingrich keep shrieking about it because if some malicious 4chan rando is right, and if every single element of the Dagwood Sandwich of leaked evidence turns out to be phony, this somehow exonerates Team Shart of the whole Russia thing so who needs decency? I'm not a religious man, but if there's an afterlife, Hannity and Gingrich are getting the straight Human Centipede treatment, and you can fucking print that.

In an ominous reminder of the rapidly approaching day the terms of their agreement come due, Satan opened a massive sinkhole just outside Marm-a-Lago this morning.

While I've got your attention...Be honest, how many times did you watch that video of Melania slapping his grubby, orb-stained hand away? In slo-mo and all? Poor Donnie. Do they have pee hookers in Riyadh?

And then the Shart budget landed, and somehow it's crueler and more asinine than your already low expectations prepared you for, like that Independence Day sequel. Massive cuts to everything from farm subsidies to food stamps to children's health programs to federal employee pensions to meals on walls, all to finance enormous tax cuts for the wealthy, who will then, in their benevolence, create All The Jobs, instead of doing what they've done at every other point in human history, which is buy museum-quality paintings to eat triangle-shaped sandwiches off of, because fuck you, plebes.

(He wants to cut Habitat for Humanity, probably because he can't seem to find an FBI director who will bring him Jimmy Carter's head on a plate. There's actually a substantial increase in funding for something called "The Soylent Green Initiative," anybody know what that's about?)

He also proposed cutting the national debt by selling off half of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, cuz it's not like there's any scenario where we might need some extra oil, right? Besides, Ben Carson wants to use the extra space to store grain.

Hey, speaking of money, have you seen all those stories about all the Big Expensive Lawyering Up all Pumpkin Spice Himmler's collaborators are going to have to do? When I think about Sessions and Bannon and Kellyanne and the rest going broke defending themselves, it brings a tear* to my eye. I'm particularly looking forward to hiring Stephen Miller to work as a dunk-tank clown for every birthday party I have for the rest of my fucking life.

(*A tear of raw, unrefined, motherfucking JOY.)

Late in the day, WaPo broke the news that Dorito Mussolini's obstruction of justice didn't stop with FBI Director Comey. Nah, seems he also asked DNI Dan Coates and Admiral Michael S. Rogers, head of the National Security Agency, to do him a solid and sweep that lil' ol' Russia story under the rug. And of course there are memos. Which are now being passed over to Special Counsel Mueller, TEE FUCKIN' HEE.

Friends, this might be controversial, but I don't think our President is very smart. He just stumbles around, asking every third dude he comes across to shut down all these investigations into, well, HIMSELF, without a single passing thought that anyone would mind, or that he might be breaking some very fat, thick, laws.

Shit, Toupee Fiasco spends so much time obstructing justice, you wonder when he finds time to golf.

And then fucking Manchester happened, and I don't have anything to say about that except...tell the folks you love that you love them, shit is fucking fragile.

On the day's madness, and Mr. Pence's pornography preferences.

Jesus fucking Christ, the news! Gaze not into the news lest it gaze back at ye!

And Thursday was so quiet. After being stuffed in a bag and thrown into the dryer with Wednesday's news, it was almost quaint to learn a few more details about the Comey memos. "Oh, he tried to hide in the curtains, that's cute, and apparently extra amusing because he is unusually tall. I've only ever seen him sitting down, so I did not know that. Fun!"

There was also a little report that Drumpf fantasized about the day when Mike Flynn's name would be cleared, and he could return to the White House with his head held high, and they can join hands, without shame, and sell Puerto Rico to Turkey for some shiny, shiny, beads. These are...not intelligent men.

Oh, hey, and Roger Ailes died! There was a lot of scolding on the right about the tone some folks were taking in their remembrances. Me, I'm above all that. Just tell me where you're burying him so I can plan a trip to shit on his grave.

So anyway, we rolled out of bed to push notifications about Julian Assange and Anthony Weiner and thought, "Hey, it's the two perverts that cost our Hilldawg the election isn't that a wacky coincidence I guess I'll cry for hours now, oh well at least Orange Julius Caesar didn't start a war while I was asleep."

There was a thing where the Carcinogenic Creamsicle's lawyers tried to sneak that financial disclosure letter past the feds without a signature for some reason, probably not because it becomes much more legally problematic signed, especially when it turns out 100% horseshit With Few Exceptions.

And anyway, La Grande Sharte was leaving the country today! We all fantasized about him maybe not being able to figure out how to unlock the door in one of those crazy foreign bathrooms and everybody would just come home without him, but of course that would be too easy.

Details of the trip emerged, how Donnie whined about having to do his dumb job and visit all these dumb places that don't even have golf courses he owns, how Israel wouldn't let him land his helicopter on their dumb ol' ancient monument, about how world leaders are instructing their chefs to prepare Spaghetti-O's in case the Leader of the Free World finds their local cuisine Icky and flings his plate at some Saudi Prince or Mossad agent or some shit. And we all got the embarrassment shivers upon learning that foreign leaders are telling each other to basically speak like a child to our President, keeping statements brief and telling him how much bigger his hands are than stinky Barack Obama's and golly, that Electoral College...we're all very impressed with you, Donnie. Anyway sell us some guns.

(Speaking of which, didja hear that Jared Kushner negotiated a better deal for the Saudis with American firm Lockheed Martin? AMERICA FIRST!)

But then the very moment Air Force One cleared the tarmac your device of choice stood up and screamed "I HAVE FRESH MADNESS FOR YOU, MASTER!" as the latest skirmish in the Who-Can-Whale-Harder-on-Trump's-Scrotum war between NYT and WaPo hit the streets, with a truce called so each paper could focus on a single ball, as they dropped their stories at the same time.

The Gray Lady's entry was a transcript of the already-embarrassing/treasonous Shart House meeting between the President and some spies, in which the Assclown-in-Chief literally bragged to the Russians about firing Comey, and how that would take the "pressure" off the whole Russia thing, proving once and for all that a fortune teller he ain't. Worn to a nub by the impossibility and immorality of his job, Sean Spicer couldn't even be bothered to deny this, though some genius tried to spin it as a "negotiating tactic," which is sure to convince any jury, provided the jury is made up of Eric Trump and his He-Man toys.

Seriously, between this and the Lester Holt interview, it's like he's actively trying to prove obstruction of justice. Maybe Tim Russert's consciousness got stuck in his head, Being John Malkovich style, and he's trying to save us all?

Meanwhile the Post told us that the criminal investigation into Team Shart's Russia ties has reached into the President's inner circle, as an actively serving high-level advisor is now a "person of interest." Some sources are reporting this "person" is Jared Kushner, but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.

Oh, and they're also investigating not only the crime, but whether there's been a cover-up. Anonymous sources tell me Jeff Sessions has sweated through 7 shirts, 3 suits and 2 chairs since the start of his work day.

In the background, Mike Pence is working reeeeeeeeeeally hard to build the narrative that all this shit went down while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt. Oh, and he's firing up his own PAC which is super weird for a VICE president, not that he's looking with lust in his heart towards to ever-nearing impeachment of his boss, and it's also a coincidence that his browser history is dotted with stuff like "Oval Office curtains," and "How to get the smell of overdone steak farts out of carpet" alongside the soul-shatteringly horrifying pornography that you absolutely know he consumes all goddamn day long. Like, a dude fucking a sheep wearing a mask that looks like the dude's mom and then killing the sheep and rolling around in the blood screaming 'mommy' and then eating lamb chops because there is no way that Mike Pence isn't a deeply filthy human just below the surface.

And of course the polls continue their inevitable plummet to absolute zero, because Americans don't seem down with a pussy-grabbing nitwit who invites Russian spies into the White House and tells them to help themselves to the classified information buffet. HUH.

Aiming to get those numbers up, reports are that the Living Garbage Pail Kid wants to cut off key Obamacare reimbursements to insurers, a move that would blow up the insurance market, because nothing inspires love more than a guy taking away your access to health care. (ROMANCE TIP: Hey fellas, instead of flowers, try impressing your gal pal with a retrovirus!) Seriously, he thinks people will blame Obama for taking away their coverage, which makes sense when you realize he also thought he'd get bipartisan approval for firing Comey.

Throughout all this, the conservative media continues scrambling to keep their rubes hopped up on a mix of misinformation, white resentment, and NyQuil, alternating between frothy rants about the "deep state" and John Podesta killing Seth Rich in a demonic sex ritual and HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL! Seriously, Fox News is ten minutes away from planting kittens in trees so that it cover the rescue ANYTHING BUT RUSSIA SWEET JESUS ANYTHING SO WE CAN PRETEND NONE OF THIS SHIT IS REALLY HAPPENING.

Oh, and as I was writing this, CNN broke the story about the White House Counsel's office has begun researching impeachment. I'd provide commentary, but I laughed so hard I have dislocated my rib cage.

Anyway, I'm posting this early, cuz I'm going out tonight. I can't imagine I'll miss anything. Not like our Racist Dickbag President is gonna give a speech on Islam written by slighter-smarter-but-also-Racister Dickbag Stephen Miller in Saudi Arabia later or anything.

...wait, what's that? James Comey just agreed to testify publicly before the Senate? Heh. Hah hah hah. AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (Ow my ribcage.)

Late cuz of the hack, but holy hell the world is insane

Well folks, not to repeat myself, but...shit be cray.

The news continues to roll out like it was being written by John le Carré, chained to radiator in David Cronenberg's basement, subsisting entirely on moonshine and Sour Patch Kids.

Reeling from yesterday's tropical grade shit show, we were grateful to wake up to relatively little new breaking nonsense. Oh sure, the security detail of a visiting autocrat beat the living snot out of some American citizens right in Washington, and the Shart House didn't seem to mind, but shit like that isn't even gonna land on page six when you're competing with Putin and leakers and piss hookers.

The day was actually mostly quiet. TOO QUIET, you thought to yourself, terrified to say it out loud lest you conjure a push notification alerting you that our President had ordered an invasion of Portugal, because he couldn't find old episodes of Harry and the Hendersons streaming anywhere and Steve Bannon told him there were bootleg DVDs for sale in Lisbon.

The Hairplug That Ate Deceny gave the commencement speech at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy. It was kinda fun to watch him all pissy and listless, struggling to read fancy words like "scourge" off the teleprompter for a bit, but I got bored and shut it off, which means I missed the part where he started whinging like Tonya Harding about how In All of Human History Ne'er Was A Man So Cruelly Mistreated Especially By the Media Which is Fake and Also it is Unfair That My Daughter Won't Let Me Touch Her Butt, Boo Fucking Hoo. He's so fragile. He's white and tiny and fragile and he melts away when facing the tiniest bit of heat. Like a snowflake. Yeah. Hey, somebody should make that a thing, "snowflake."

We had a laugh when Shrieking Canker Sore Alex Jones lost a fight with Yogurt, and had to tell the whole world what pathetic liar he is. The courts have been super mean to Lexie of late, prolly because all judges are lizard people or cucks or perhaps even Lizard Cucks, but it sure is fun watching assholes lose, ain't it?

Further schadenfreude was dispensed when the story broke about the GOP candidate in the forthcoming Montana special election owning a stake in a company that's accused of paying off ISIS. Yes, THAT ISIS. Mike Pence is out in Montana campaigning for a dude who owns stock in a company that gave money to ISIS. Anyway, how 'bout them Mets?

Also Robert Fisher, State Rep in New Hampshire, resigned in the wake of the revelation that he founded the "Red Pill" subreddit, which is like the hair catcher in your shower, except instead of your pubes it gets clogged with dickless man-children who can't handle watching women think and talk and have jobs, while they're too busy screaming racial slurs at strangers on Xbox Live to understand why their lives aren't awesomer.

We found out Il Douche appointed Sheriff David Clarke to a high level post in the Homeland Security department, possibly because Sebastian Gorka was tired of consistently being labeled Most Evil Fuck Amongst This Cadre of Evil Fucks, because Sheriff Dave is Stone Cold Evil, famous for such smash hit singles as "Advocating Violence Against Anyone Who Disagrees With Me," "A Mentally Ill Man Died My Jail Because We Didn't Give Him Water For a Week and Without Water You Die," and the timeless "Also a Baby Died in That Same Jail Literally a Baby Because We Denied Medical Care to a Woman in Labor WE KILLED A FUCKING BABY" and this monster is the kind of fellah the Marmalade Shartcannon believes should be in the federal government. While Sheriff Dave announced how happy he was to join Team Shart, the hiring doesn't seem to be official just yet, so maybe there's hope.

And then right about Happy Hour, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein popped up and said "Hey you guys, what've you been up to today? Did you have a nice lunch? Didja see that thing with those romper shorts things for guys? I think they're weird, but wear what you like, amiright? Oh, also I just appointed the former head of the FBI as the special counsel to investigate Shart Garfunkel and all his Russian buddies. SHIT ON MY REPUTATION, WILL YOU YOU MOLTEN SHERBERT GLOB? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? ROSENSTEIN OUT!" and he strode away shooting his middle fingers in the direction of the oval office like they were pistols and he was a cowboy, it was actually super cute.

Robert Mueller ran the FBI for twenty years, and stood up to the unconstitutional fucks in the Bush administration and knows his shit and for an extra nut punch to the Candycorn Skidmark, is buds with Jazzy Jim Comey. Basically he's the precise mathematical nightmare scenario of a special prosecutor, if you happen to be a certain over-tanned cheap crook who shall remain nameless. Rod apparently didn't tell the President or his Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard about this until he'd already signed the order, and half an hour before he told the world. 118 anonymous sources inform me that the president "Pissed himself, cried, and began sucking his thumb."

We also learned from WaPo that Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy and however many other congressscum were talking about how they thought Putin was paying Trump waaaaaaay back last summer when skies were blue and Presidents didn't haphazardly give state secrets to Russian spies. The real kicker was that when WaPo called these scuzzbags up for comment, they were all indignant and cocky and "What a fake gnus lie, are you serious?" until the reporters said "No there is literally an audio recording of this conversation do you want to change your bullshit story?" and they went "Ummmmmmm...would you believe we were maybe joking around as Ryan and McCarthy are renowned for the humor, dude, Paulie has a tight five on starving single mothers to death," and the world said "No, and also the fact that you'd lie about something so petty means we can cite this story any time you tell us anything for the rest of your lives at THAT, you shits, is motherfucking FUNNY."

Oh, and back when we were young and innocent, remember when Sally Yates told us that she spent the waning days of her Acting Attorney Generalship waving her arms and saying "Hey Fuckheads, that Michael Flynn jag is no damn good and works for foreign powers and has probably broken some not-insignificant laws?"


Fuck. Can we impeach him for not being able to understand the entirely predictable consequences of literally anything? He's like Lennie in Of Mice and Men, only instead of crushing small animals to death, it's Democracy.

(As a fun side effect, this story seems to be the first one that snares Mike Pence in a big lie, don't fantasize about changing them Oval Office curtains just yet, you Puritan fuck.)

It also turns out that during the transition, Flynn worked to influence military decision-making in a manner that benefited Turkey, the very nation that WHOA HOW WEIRD happens to be the one that Lil' Mikey was foreign-agenting for (for half a million bucks) without telling anyone. SERENDIPITY I GUESS.

Anyway, the King of the Netherlands revealed that he has also been secretly working a side gig as an airline co-pilot for 21 years.

That's totally fucking true, by the way.

All of this is true. Sleep tight, fellow inmates in this asylum we call...America.

What the ever-loving hell is going on?

Well I wanted to rant a bit, but frankly there just hasn't been that much going on. Oh sure, we laughed at Team Shart sending known adulteress Callista Gingrich to Vatican City as the fucking ambassador, and there were a few more humiliating polls, but all in all, it's been so quiet you'd almost think we lived in normal times.

I mean, there was that one thing where WaPo told us that our President leaked highly classified information to Russian spies in an Oval Office meeting, but other than that, it's been kinda dull.

Betsy DeVos contin- WAIT WHAT? SWEET TITTYFUCKING CHRIST WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS HAPPENING? Please forgive any spelling errors from this point onward, as I'll be typing by pounding my head on the keyboard.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sprinkling meth on my avocado toast.

Yeah. It seems Littlefinger, desperate to impress the Russian spies and their totally unscreened camperspy who had to be giggling his ass off to have been granted access to the oval office, decided to strut about all the badass intelligence he gets, which DUH YOU ARE FUCKING PRESIDENT YOU LUMP OF CRISCO, and he figured they'd be extra impressed if he told them what the intelligence was, because maybe then he could invite them over to play Track and Field on Nintendo and his dad bought him the bigass floormat pad and it's really cool but nobody ever wants to hang out because he's a Big Fat Shart. So he gave them classified American secrets given by an ally earned at tremendous cost. Because of course he did.

The fit hit the shan more or less immediately. The usually rogue's gallery of sycophants stumbled out with the usual laughably unbelievable denials, which were met with deserved skepticism after the Comey firing shitshow last week.

Desperate for cover, they trotted out H.R. McMaster, the last member of the administration with any credibility, who proceeded to place said credibility in the center of room, light it on fire, and then have Russian hookers put the fire out by pissing on it. He bobbed and weaved and denied everything except what the WaPo story actually said, namely that our Idiot Manchild President haphazardly threw classified information at a hostile foreign power simply because He Wanted Them to Love Him Oh God Everyone Knows I'm Shit Why Does No One Love Me Why Did You Send Me To Military School Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, hoping that no one would notice, but unfortunately for H.R. literally every single living person noticed, and also no one will ever trust a single word you say for the rest of your life you sellout piece of trash.

And it got worse. By Tuesday afternoon, we'd learned that The Man Who Is Basically If a Big Mac Had an Id had actually disclosed "Code Word"-level classified information, which is like Double Secret Classification, so seriously major fuckup there. And then it turned out the intel came from an ally that hadn't granted permission to share it with other allies, let alone a Count Chocula cosplayer like Vladimir Putin.

And then it turned out that ally was Israel.

And so basically President Draft-Dodger/Valor Thief endangered the life of a highly-placed Israeli mole within ISIS just because he has a micropenis and spends 98% of his waking hours worrying that everyone around him notices that the bulge in his pants is conspicuously sock-shaped.

And yeah, this means that traditional American allies will be much less likely to share intelligence with us while this blundering nincompoop is in office, HOPE NONE OF US DIE CUZ OF THAT HAW HAW HAW. And yeah, we all read the stories where Israeli intelligence officials were all "Hey, that whole endangering-our-mole-what-do-you-think-this-shit-is-easy thing? MAJOR DICK MOVE."

The President of the United States did this. In what repeated pinch tests tell me is the actual real world.

Meanwhile, the folks over in the Right Wing Lunatic Media Bubba-uhl did their damndest to talk about anything except the Oops I Did It Again/I Fucked Up My Job story. On the fly, they concocted, out of tongue depressors, cotton balls and paste, an insane conspiracy theory about a DNC staffer being murdered because of Wikileaks or some shit, and they were literally talking about Vince Foster in prime time, trying to keep their army of rubes from picking up their phones and finding out what was actually going on in the world.

Doesn't seem to have worked.

As the story blew up, it became impossible to ignore. In an unprecedented rebuke, several Republican senators both hemmed AND hawed. John McCain wrote a Very Stern Letter, which is the opposite of doing Anything That Matters, but he wanted everyone to know that he is CONCERNED. Mitch McConnell bemoaned the DRAMA emanating from the executive because he would very much like to cut some rich dudes' taxes before retreating to his shell for an afternoon's hibernation, thank you very much. Basically they've all settled into a nice, comfortable "Trump can do anything and somehow people aren't rioting in the streets so fuck off" routine, because they are more slug than man now, and are kind of getting used to the idea of being painted as clownishly submissive villains in the history books, because the history books don't put the steak dinners on the table, after all.

In the background, John Cornyn and Gowdy Doody bowed out of consideration for the otherwise-enticing FBI director post, presumably because they don't want to die in jail shackled to Jeff Sessions.

And ok. So you're settling into the whole Russia boondoggle. You're stuffing your melted brain back into your skull through the ear canal, and maybe you're even chuckling at the prospect of SCROTUS giving a speech on Islam over the weekend. "It'll be like Bill Cosby addressing an EMILY's list fundraiser," you tell yourself, a trainwreck of historic proportions. Comedy!

And then you get dat NYT push notification. You pour yourself a pint. (Of vodka.) You strap on your bicycle helmet, and you read the fucker.

Oh no big deal. James Comey has a bunch of memos saying that Orange Julius Caesar asked him, "Hey, lay off the whole investigating-Mike-Flynn shit. Yeah, maybe he's a foreign agent and all that but c'mon, the Bro Code trumps that silly old U.S. Constitution, right?"

And the Holy-Sheepfucking-Crap-the-President-Got-an-Israeli-Intelligence-Agent-Killed Story, which was on the Mount Rushmore of Presidential Malfeasance stories, suddenly looks like a Ziggy comic in the middle of the newspaper, because we now have an OBSTRUCTION OF FUCKING JUSTICE HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF RICHARD NIXON YOU DOORKNOB story.

And the entire republican party disappeared like a wang in a cold pool. Team Shart issued a weak-ass denial, fully understanding that nobody anywhere trusts them to tell the truth about Who Farted let alone anything that matters. And, laughably, Fox News openly lamented, on-air, that they couldn't find anyone to fall on Donnie Darko's limp, tiny, sword.

Darrell Issa gave a reporter the finger. John McCain issued an even HARSHER statement (apologies to anyone who fainted at such risqué talk). And Jason Chaffetz pulled on his subpoenaing pants, laced up his subpoenaing boots, pulled out his subpoenaing pen (an actual pen, not a metaphor for his cock) and subpoenaed all the Shart House's docs on this debacle. Shit got all kinds of real, is what I'm sayin'.

(As a wacky little side note, the same NTY story mentions that SHARTUS also asked Comey to throw the journalists who publish all those embarrassing leaks into some gulag someplace, which at any other point in your lives would be the biggest news story of all time, but today you read it and went "of course he did," didn't you?)

There's more, of course, There's always more insanity nowadays. There was a new Manafort-related subpoena. There was a story about the Shart transition team doin' shady shit with classified information. And Sean Hannity is still pushing the Seth Rich "story," presumably because Mike Pence promised him he could be Viceroy of Montana after the bombs start dropping.

In conclusion, in my professional opinion...shit be cray, people. Shit be cray.

Absolute Batguano Insanity

The madness has gone into overdrive ever since the Dried-out Play-Doh Manatee decided he didn't need no stinkin' oversight and fired James Comey, and we're all just careening around the Wasteland in search of fuel and crullers these days.

Let's start with the dastardly act of deception perpetrated by the Russians in the very Oval Office itself! It seems a photographer from a Russian state-owned media agency took a photo of Drumpf with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, and published it without American consent! "They tricked us," a White House official said, "They lie!"

Well, what sort of le Carré-worthy plot landed a Russian propaganda photojournalist, unscreened, carrying God only knows what other recording equipment, in the innermost sanctum of the executive branch?

Well y'see...Lavrov said "Do not worry about it, comrade, he is with me."

And every single person in the White House, up to and including the President, went "Sounds good, bro, come on in! You want a coke? We gots a button for it!"

Is this really all it takes to "trick" the guy with nuclear codes? Does Steve Bannon play "got your nose" with the President and make him sign executive orders before he'll give it back? Will he send the marines into Nigeria to rescue that prince that keeps e-mailing him?

(By the way, everybody's favorite Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak was in the meeting, too. We only know that because of the Russian photos, cuz the official White House readout doesn't mention it. Maybe he's like, invisible to republicans, or something?)

Anyhow, the Marmalade Shartcannon rampaged through a number of media interviews with the clear intent of getting himself involuntarily committed. He told the Economist that he invented the phrase "priming the pump," which was hilarious enough until we started digging around and learned he's filed trademark applications for a number of things, including "red baseball caps," "opposable thumbs" and "toast."

In an interview with Time, he ranted at length about a number of personalities on CNN and MSNBC, which then insisted he does not watch. He even called Stephen Colbert "filthy" before lamenting that no one seems to get close enough to him to grab by the pussy anymore. He also dropped a little gem about how he bombed Syria because he wanted the world to stop laughing at him, finally demonstrating why we don't let seventh graders vote. Or make military combat decisions.

But Holy Christ on Toast, the main even was his interview with NBC's Lester Holt, which can only be viewed as a housewarming gift to the inevitable impeachment prosecutors. He casually undercut the entire bullshit story that nobody believed anyway, but that his team had been furiously spinning for a day and a half about the Comey firing. "No, it wasn't Rosenstein, it was all me! ME AND MY NORMAL SIZED MAN HANDS CAN FIRE WHO I WANNA." He said he didn't fire Michael Flynn after finding about all his lying and foreign agenting because it didn't seem like a big deal and anyway BROS BEFORE HOS only instead of "hos" it's "the security and integrity of the United States and its citizens."

Oh, and he said he was thinking about the Russia investigation, which he whinged about being a "hoax" dreamed up as an "excuse" by Democrats (which it demonstrably is not), when he was making the decision to fire James Comey.

Which is a confession of obstruction of justice. On television.

In unrelated news, multiple sources are telling me everyone in the White House counsel's office has banded together in a death pact, and have begun making sacrifices to a television they've kept hidden from Reince Priebus so as to watch something other than Fox News; they call it Maddow-Ra, and claim it as their God.

Generally, the collapse of the excuses for the Comey firing, like a Jenga tower built from soggy Cheerios, was the day's overarching theme.

The initial story was that Rod Rosenstein, some sort of holy man of unimpeachable character who rode into the Justice Department on a horse made of pure light, took one look at the dastardly dealings of Mr. Comey and demanded he be cast out posthaste!

But Rowdy Roddy didn't like being made the jackass in this game of Pin the Blame on the New Guy, so he threatened to quit and demanded the record be set straight, which didn't seem to be a problem since Donnie Darko doesn't like to give the impression that anyone talks him into anything, as he is the Firer of the Fired.

The initial story was, hilariously, that it was Comey's conduct in the Clinton e-mail investigation that led to his dismissal.

But the Ravenous Swarm of Leakers That Drumpf Will Never Ever Ever Ever Be Able to Contain Ha Ha Ha Suck It Loser surfaced as you knew they would, with stories of Dorito Mussolini yelling at his teevee when Comey was on it talking about his traitorous ass being investigated, of requests for the FBI to investigate totally-not-illegal leaks of stuff that's just embarrassing because he's a fuckup who doesn't know how to do his job, of the President demanding "loyalty" from the dude in charge of investigating him, which is a totally reasonable thing to demand.

The initial story was that Comey had lost the confidence of the rank-and-file in the FBI.

But then everybody in the FBI, publicly and privately, was all, "No, he was an asshole, but he was our asshole and we actually love him so don't speak for us, you lying turdcakes!" and even I-guess-I'm-in-charge-for-a-few-hours-anyway acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe said "Nope. Lies."

But Substitute Spicey Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she has talked to countless thousands of FBI agents who were all "Fuck that Comey guy, you guys rule for firing him," and the White House press corp laughed at her and said "Yeah right, name two FBI agents," and HuckSands retorted "I will not, just trust me, when have I lied to you except at yesterday's press conference when every word out of my mouth has since been proven to be so much unfiltered bull?"

The initial story was that the Russia investigation is just an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot investigation, hardly an investigation at all really, but McCabe shat on that one too, and said "Oh boy is it a big investigation, getting bigger every day, it'll be going off to college before you know it, thanks for asking."

And of course there's the tiny detail that Comey seems to have asked for more money for the investigation right before he got canned, which is a ZANY coincidence, but Jeff Sessions sez it didn't happen and he's praying to the God of Racist Yokels Who Shouldn't Have the Jobs They Have that nobody else can back up Comey but bad news Beauregard, it looks that they can.

Fuck, actually all kinds of shit is leaking. Trump said "something was wrong" with Comey, Comey called him "Crazy," and Steve Bannon keeps putting post-it notes that say "Cuck" on Jared Kushner's back. WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP IT'S BEEN, AMIRIGHT?

The Shart was apparently planning a lil' visit to FBI headquarters, but he cancelled when he found out he'd be greeted with a Carrie-style shower, only with buckets of poo not blood. Heh.

Meanwhile Orange Julius Caesar's poll numbers continue to plummet. It turns out the American people hate the President, and they hate his Ass Face, and his Ass Health Care Bill, and his Ass Tax Plan, and his Ass Firing of the Guy Who Was Investigating Him.

Senate Republicans are reportedly worried that the whole "Presidential treason" thing might drag down their agenda, which, for those who forgot, is making the wealthy wealthier at the low low price of shortening the lifespans of the unwashed masses, who're really too unwashed and mass-y to deserve life anyway, right?

Of course the genuinely horrifying news of the day was President Skidmark creating a commission to "investigate" voter fraud, and placing reincarnated Cossack Kris Kobach in charge of it. Kobach's life's work is fabricating bullshit "studies" to keep non-white folks from voting so that Klan-leaning white dudes like Kris Kobach can have more pie, so maybe let's skip the commission and jump straight to the terrifying wave of voter suppression bills these assclowns will concoct to keep themselves in power.

Oh, and a journalist was arrested. In America. For asking HHS Secretary Tom Price a question. And Price was all "fuck yeah they arrested him, wasn't that rad?"

No, Tom Price. It was not rad.

Craziest day yet. And that's saying somethin'.

After dallying for a few days in the realm of the merely nutty, the news took a turn for for the poop-flingingly insane today, folks. What the walking hell is going on in this country?

Remember how we all gathered around our phones and tablets Sunday afternoon waiting for the French Presidential election results to roll in? Because this is what we do now, we tune in every few weeks to the hot new game show "Nazi, or Nah?" And thank god (or whatever the God of France is, some sort of large, rude, talking crepe, I imagine) they elected the one who isn't a Nazi and other countries were learning from our mistakes and we smiled and felt good and then we noticed that we were still only two minutes closer to the midterms.

Team Elephant hit the Sunday Shoz with the unenviable task of Pissing On America's Leg and Telling Us It's Raining, schilling their Growing Old is Only For the Rich bill, excuse me, the AHCA. Taking a page from Boss Shart's playbook, they've decided to just strap on a creepy smile and lie and lie and hope nobody ever notices. They insist that taking 800 billion dollars out of Medicaid won't lead to anyone losing insurance, that their so-small-they're-like-the-Trump's-fingers-of-health-care "high risk pools" will take care of everybody just fine despite the long observable history of high risk pools doing no such thing, that despite the billions in tax cuts bestowed upon the wealthy, somehow the wealthy are not getting a massive cut paid for by, y'know, stealing health insurance from millions of serfs.

And boy howdy, Republicans, from columnists to pundits to congressdemons are RIGHTEOUSLY INDIGNANT that Democrats are out there telling everybody about the millions of people who will lose insurance and the thousands who would inevitably die. They are particularly angry at Jimmy Kimmel for his dastardly assertion that maybe a kid who happens to be born with serious health problems deserves a shot at a decent life, that CUCK. Newt Gingrich stood atop the holy mountain and, his voice shaking with self-regard, told us Jimmy is a terrible person for worrying about pre-existing conditions because babies can't be denied emergency care which is technically true but means exactly FUCKALL to a human being who has to navigate all those pesky non-baby years with a chronic health condition. (If you don't believe me, next time you get cancer, pop up at your local ER and tell 'em you want George Clooney to administer a six month chemotherapy regimen.) Y'see, in the old days, before the ACA, those folks had two options: 1) Find your way to the obscenely large amount of money necessary to treat their conditions over the course of their entire lives or 2) Die like the plebe scum they are.

Of course, while they're talking Big n' Tuff on the teevee, at home in their districts, the GOP congressmonsters are mostly just hiding. While 217 bravely cast their vote to destroy millions of their constituents' lives, it seems only 14 were brave enough to look those constituents in the eye at town halls on the current recess and explain why their lives are worth less than the donor class' summer homes. HUH.

Rod Blum, which seems to be the name of an Iowa congressman and not a hippie porn star, decided to make himself famous by bolting from an entirely tame interview like a cat running away from a vacuum store. Raul Labrador huffed and puffed and haughtily proclaimed, "Nobody dies because they don't have access to health care," which strikes me as a good way to get your ass good and righteously haunted by the ghosts of all the folks who died because they didn't have access to health care. Raul was so chastised for the blowback tohis heartless arrogance that he decided to announce a run for Governor of Idaho, which he will probably win, because Idaho. Sigh. Living Muppet Villain Paul Ryan spewed his usual bullshit about everyone having "access" to great insurance, in the way that everyone has "access" to Lady Gaga tickets and space tourism and custom-made sex dolls that look like Haley Barbour if that happens to be what you're into. It's all so much horseshit, but they seem to have faith that their constituents will keep on insisting that accurate coverage of the effects of the AHCA is FAKE NEWS right up until ten minutes after their last credit card gets maxed out and their respirator gets unplugged.

But then yesterday we all digitally gathered around capitol hill to watch Ninja Superhero Iron Chef Vampire Slayer Wandering Ronin Sally Yates drop the Mother of All Truth Bombs on the unspeakably corrupt cabal occupying our executive branch.

(Also in attendance was Adorably Cantankerous Old Fart Who Has Also Probably Killed Men With His Bare Hands James Clapper, former Director of National Intelligence. Mr. Clapper spent some time clarifying terms like "unmasking" and "incidental collection" in attempt to calm down the rabid maniacs trapped in the right wing media bubble, I bet that worked out great, don't you?)

And Sally Yates acquitted herself quite nicely, thank you very much

The Republicans on the panel generally wanted to talk about anything except the shady Russian connections that so very very very very many members of the sitting Republican administration (Senator Al Franken did us the solid of listing them one after another with the punchline being that there were so very very many) seem to have, which is weird, don'tcha think?? So they tried to talk about the weather, or the Nationals, or ANYTHING BUT RUSSIA PLEASE GOD. Lindsey Graham, for example, was not so terribly upset that a foreign agent who lied about earning all them sweet sweet rubles held a very important national security post that he had no business holding, but GOLLY he had a bee in his bonnet that the American people found out about it! And he's a-plannin' to bring down the full power of his julep-soaked jowls on those damn dirty leakers who are clearly the real problem and not the Russians who interfered with our democracy.

John Cornyn of Texas scolded Miss Sally for forgetting her manners and standing up for the rule of law while the menfolk were busy stranding doctors in airports with their executive orders, and Yates not only threw up her middle fingers but threw 'em up sideways like she was in some Tarantino flick, and told him "I work for the constitution, not that Racist Orange Thumb in the White House and I am not scared of doddering old white dudes so if you wanna talk about how disappointed you are in me, you should know my last fuck is buried in an unmarked grave, SIR." Ted Cruz was particularly gleeful for the chance to trot out his phony preacher voice, since nobody cares what he thinks anymore since that time he couldn't even out-racist a reality TV host. He tried playing Fancy Impressive Senator man at Sally Yates by quoting a statute at her, but she quoted a more recent statute back at his doughy, punchable, Ted Cruz face, and so he ran away to cry in the Senate coat room about how spends his life kissing the ass of a man who insulted his wife and father.

Meanwhile, John Kennedy of Louisiana chose to use his time to raise awareness of what an unbearable asshole John Kennedy of Louisiana is.

The moral of the story is Former Acting Attorney General Sally Yates ain't nothin' to fuck with. She told the tale of warning the new administration about all the lawbreaking shenanigans Michael Flynn had been up to, and how they responded with stupid questions like "If everybody in the executive branch is lying to each other, what's the biggie anyway?" and she had to say "HAVING A NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR WHO IS SUSCEPTIBLE TO RUSSIAN BLACKMAIL IS NOT A GREAT IDEA YOU UNBELIEVABLE JAGOFFS."

An then they decided not to fire him anyway, despite all the lying and foreign agenting and whatnot, until the press got ahold of the story and they were all "fine, he's fired, but the real problem is that somebody told the press all this stuff, our corruption should be classified and shit."

(And we can also now more perfectly imagine the gut-busting laughter that greeted Michael Flynn's overtures for immunity. "HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHNoseriouslyyou'regoingtodieinjailHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH"

Meanwhile, Il Douche's racist-as-fuck Muslim Ban got its day in court. Now, Team Trump has tried to argue that they're not administering a religious test for immigration, which would most likely be unconstitutional, but ACLU lawyers keep using the dozens of instances of the campaign promising a Muslim ban against them, so far to great success. After being confronted about this in a Spicer briefing, somebody scrubbed the references to the Muslim ban from the Trump campaign website, like that would make the whole case fall apart, leaving the flustered ACLU types shaking their fists at the sky, cursing their wily foes for executing such a master stroke.

This has actually become a popular tactic all across the right this week, as both the Marmalade Shartcannon and his little Shartkins in congress have taken to erasing or rewriting their campaign promises, particularly on health care, on their websites. "Did you think we promised access to affordable health care? You must've misheard, we promised access to cold, unfeeling death. Your mistake."

We learned that FBI Director Gavrilo Princip, excuse me, "James Comey" told a bit of a fib when he testified under oath to congress that Madame Hilldawg forwarded All The Classified Emails to Anthony Weiner's dick-pick-dispensing machine, WHOOPSIES. Totally a coincidence that Comey's less-than-honest version gives him a sliver of ethical cover in blowing up the election and turning the nation over to a cabal of lunatic Ku Klux Klownsmen, INNIT? (When I wrote this paragraph earlier today, I thought it was all the Comey gnus fit to print, BOY WAS I WRONG.)

Oh, and the New Yorker published a piece, that said, among other things, that the most powerful human being on the planet believes that the human body is a "battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise only depleted" and that means that EXERCISE IS BAD FOR YOU AND WILL KILL YOU FASTER HOLY SHIT THIS MAN IS SO FUCKING DUMB HOW DOES HE EVEN USE THE BATHROOM WITHOUT HURTING HIMSELF?

Anyhow, stung by his Yates-born smackdown, Donnie Darko decided to send a letter to congress signed by his mom saying he has no business ties with Russia plus the school cafeteria can't make him eat the vegetables on his tray if he doesn't want to, I GUESS THAT CLEARS UP THE RUSSIA STORY FOREVER. Never mind the thing that JUST broke where Eric "Inherited His Daddy's Brains" Trump bragged about all the millions of dollars in Russian money that finances their golf courses.

And Cud-Brained Spokesdoorknob Sean Spicer tried a little light smearjob on the Divine Miss Sally, but he fucked it up, literally citing "rumors" as his evidence, because Sean Spicer so stupid a man that the daily act of putting on pants is a life-threatening endeavor. He dropped a line about how happy President Scrotal Fungus was to have his Russia ties investigated, a statement destined to become fucking hilarious in just a few hours. I think maybe we should stop being so hard on Sean, and just applaud him for making it to work today without putting his underpants on over his suit.

(It was right around now that Team Shart's social media director started bragging about how he was going to post a video of Hillary Clinton's election night concession phone call, because that is something that mature adults who can be trusted to wield unchecked power do.)

Anyhow, right as cocktail time rolled around, SHARTUS fired the man heading the investigation in his campaign's ties to Russian intelligence agencies.

But then the Pence family introduced an adorable bunny who will be living in -WAIT WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? YES, I'M SCREAMING THAT AT MYSELF ALONE IN MY OFFICE WHY DO YOU ASK?

The President of the United States, Donald John "Twenty Pounds of Shit in a Ten Pound Bag" Trump, fired FBI Director James "Ok, so I fucked up the whole world, sue me" Comey, the dude in charge of the investigations into Team Shart's possible collusions with a hostile foreign power.

Turns out the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, not only recused himself from the Russia investigation, but reserved the right to also recuse anyone who might be tempted to actually conduct it. In a bit of satire so dark it'd make Oscar Wilde cry tears of blood, these malevolent tumors festering in Democracy's colon had the audacity to use Comey's handling of the Clinton/Abedin/Weiner's Peen e-mail debacle as the excuse for his termination.

Got that? At every opportunity, for months, Orange Julius Caesar has been lamenting Comey's decision to not prosecute his Democratic rival, but the day after Sally Yates testified in front of the whole world, suddenly Jolly Jim Comey had to go because of how mean he'd been to Hillary "Lock Her Up" Clinton.

Anyway, I'm sure the President will appoint a fair, impartial, replacement, who will shepherd the FBI's investigation with the diligence it demands.

And if you believe that, I'd like to tell you about the service I provide caring for your pets after the rapture. Payment due up front.

Leakers tell us that Tangerine Idi Amin went to the Justice department and was all "Will no one rid me of this troublesome FBI director?" (Just kidding, "troublesome" is way too high-school a word for Trump to use, I'm just making a history joke so that I come off smart), and Jeffy and his deputy (who I assume is a droopy-faced cartoon puppy with an oversized cartoon tin star, of course) were all too happy to provide the cover.

Needless to say, the whole word is going apeshit as I type this, except for the majority of congressional republicans, who somehow still expect us all to believe that is totally normal.

Senator John McCain expressed his "disappointment" in the firing before authorizing Lindsey Graham to cast his vote in absentia for whatever the fuck Donald Trump wants, because Johnny Mac talks like a Maverick but votes like a Company Man.

In the wake of tonight's breaking news, Barely-Perceptible Congressamoeba Tom Garrett told constituents at a town hall meeting that the currently sitting and serving President of the United States of America is "small potatoes compared to Nazi Germany," because that's the discussion we're having in our country tonight. The fucking NIXON LIBRARY is out there tonight tweeting about sure, Tricky Dick was a scumbag, but he never pulled shit like Trump's pulling.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, goonspawn/deputy press secretary, went on Fox to present the novel theory that everybody should just "move on" from the Russia thing, which injects an almost-charming naïveté into tonight's madness. Literally while Huckabee Sanders was speaking, news broke that prosecutors were subpoenaing a number of Michael Flynn's associates, so my guess is Sarah doesn't get her wish.

Oh, and Antonio Sabato Jr. is running for congress. Isn't that just a ZANY-ASS LITTLE STORY? ISN'T LIFE JUST WACKY THESE DAYS? ANTONIO SABATO JUNIOR WHO WOULDA GUESSED?

If anybody needs me, I'm the guy in a bathrobe hosting a little tea party for his cat, a Spider-Man action figure, and an autographed 8 x 10 of Judge Reinhold. WE'RE ALL CRAY HERE.

The GOP tripping over themselves to show us all just how much they hate the American people

Well, the GOP decided to throw a little theme party this week, and the theme was CRUELTY. Stung by all those You Ain't Done Shit About Shit 100 days pieces, everybody from the lowliest wannabe Klansman serving on a small town school board to the dead-eyed demons occupying the highest perches of political power decided to show the country just what the Republican Party is all about: the vengeful, destructive hatred of everyone who disagrees with them. There was punch, a piñata that turned out to a DREAMer, and a rousing game of musical chairs where a group of plebes with kids who were born with genetic diseases competed believing the winner would get health insurance, but when there was just one chair left Paul Ryan took it away and everyone laughed and toasted with champagne that costs more than most folks' rent.

The big story remains the House Republican Caucus' efforts to find the precise number of American lives they can get away with destroying in order to pass their Die, Taker Scum bill, excuse me, the "AHCA."

Last night, Jimmy Kimmel gave a moving monologue on his show about the life-threatening heart condition afflicting his newborn son, pointing out that this brand new human doesn't deserve a life of constant illness and terror and financial hardship just because of the way he was born, and a number of Republican commentators jumped down his throat because now all the parents are gonna want all the sick children to live and money doesn't grow on trees and keeping sick kids alive means the Koch brothers will only be able to sprinkle gold leaf on their breakfast oatmeal six days a week YOU RIFFRAFF.

Meanwhile, a group of so-called "moderates" led by Bloated Shitweasel Fred Upton engaged in some genuinely grotesque political theatre, beating their breasts over the plight of Americans with pre-existing conditions, who, under a new amendment brokered by the bloodthirsty maniacs of the Freedom Caucus were granted the Freedom to have insurance they can't afford, which is supposed to be a greater Freedom than the one they already have, which is insurance they CAN afford, DON'T FUCKING ASK ME, THIS IS WHY I'M NOT REPUBLICAN.

Shitweasel Upton's grand scheme is to throw the change from America's sofa into a "high-risk pool," offering about enough funding to secure 42 hours worth of insurance plus a two-for-one-coupon to Chick-Fil-A to the millions of people this bill would leave out in the cold. And of course everyone's pretending that we never tried high risk pools before, and that they weren't proven to be about as successful as the fucking XFL.

Anyway, these rampaging assholes seem hellbent on ramming this bill through the House before the people can see what's in it, and before the CBO can score it, because maybe they think tomorrow never comes, I guess? Like, if they stick their fingers in their ears and hum the Andy Griffith theme as loud as they can, nobody will ever learn how many early graves they're so gleefully digging?

Everybody hates the bill, doctors groups, hospital groups, insurers, patients groups, the AARP, the AMA, the AHA, the March of Dimes, lions, tigers, bears, and oh yeah, American citizens who don't want their government to kill them. Everybody's all bent out of shape over the silly notion that the federal government shouldn't be actively working to usher in the early deaths of its constituents, the CUCKS.

Anyway, look for these fucks to get straight to work on some voter suppression laws, cuz the midterms are now set to be biggest toilet flush in American history. "I was just concerned that too many of my constituents lived without the life-enriching constant fear of medical bankruptcy" seems like a less-than-inspiring campaign slogan.

Oh, and in the midst of processing all the senseless suffering the AHCA would inflict on countless millions, it can easy to forget that the whole thing is being done simply to give a massive tax to the wealthiest people in the country. Don't.

Also, we discovered Michigan Governor Rick Snyder's entry for this evening's Sadism Pagent. See, Rickie decided to cut off the subsidies for the Flint residents who were having trouble paying their monthly water-but-it's-actually-poison bills, and so there are a bunch of families who're having their homes foreclosed on because they fell behind on paying for the lead-ridden sludge that will fuck up their children's entire lives, but don't worry, that's a pre-existing condition so you'll go into a high-risk pool and you'll get a free lollipop to go with the brief, pain-filled life your Republican government gave you so that it could save a few bucks by not making sure your water wasn't poison. YAY CONSERVATISM.

Meanwhile, we learned that our Marmalade Shartcannon President, who can't be bothered to learn the contents of the bills he's trying to pass, became personally involved in the quest to hunt down the modern day Benedict Arnold who tweeted the dastardly state secret that the Shart's inauguration wasn't as well-attended as that of his predecessor, duh, because we all fucking hate him so very very much.

Speaking of things the Idiot Manchild doesn't know, he gave a little a TED talk about how easy it'll be to work out an Israel/Palestine peace deal, because I guess nobody tried real hard before. But fear not, he's outsourcing it to his son-in-law, because Jared was able to do the one thing Donnie Darko has always wanted to do but hasn't been able to (NUDGE NUDGE FUCK IVANKA) so he must be the greatest dealmaker of all time.

After barely pulling off the fucking Easter Egg Roll, the Shart House has decided it needs a golf break, and so it canceled the annual Cinco de Mayo celebration in favor of lurking around courthouses waiting for undocumented immigrants to report domestic violence.

Dr. Ben Carson popped up to talk about the Most Lamentable Tragedie that people who live in public housing may occasionally enjoy a passing minute or two during their lives, and aren't regularly flogged for their sins, because it was Cruelty Day, and Dr. Ben is a company man.

Sleepwalking Skeksi Rex Tillerson held a meeting trying to boost morale at the State Department in the wake of the news that he's planning to trim 2,300 employees from our diplomatic corps without understanding fuckall about what any of them do. I'm told it didn't go well.

Unwilling to be outdone by all them fancy Washington elites, the grassroots got in on the cruelty action, as a Mississippi funeral home decided not to honor an agreement to cremate a dead fellah cuz the dead fellah liked kissing other fellahs when he was a not-dead fellah, because after all Jesus spends most of the Bible talking about how God mostly wants us to be dicks to people who are grieving.

We also got the news that the Justice Department, led by the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, has declined to prosecute the officers involved in the Alton Sterling shooting, because everybody knows there ain't nuthin' atawl illeguhl about shootin' a fellah who's bein' restrained by a couple of law enforcement officers, if'n the fellah happens to be a colored fellah.

Besides, the Justice Department has their hands full prosecuting 61-year-old women for the High Crime of laughing at ol' Beauregard.

Ok, you got me, that one's too ridiculous, too over-the-top, too Villain-in-an-Alan-Moore-comic to possibly be- wait, what? That was REAL LIFE ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?

NOPE! Jeff Sessions used his position as our nation's chief law enforcement officer to bring the hammer down on a protester who laughed when somebody suggested that ol' Beauregard had a history of treating of all Americans fairly, which is objectively laughable since Jeff was previously found to be Too Racist For the 80's. Anyway, the protester was convicted (along with two others) and faces a fine and up to a year in jail, which is a totally normal thing that happens all the time in America, RIGHT?

There was a whole thing with James Comey, too, God fuck him eternally with a potato masher. I guess he said he gets a tummy-ache when he thinks about his role in turning the keys of government over to band of blisteringly incompetent white supremacist assclowns. POOR JIMMY.

...shit be cray.
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