TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalI don't know if y'all know this...but shit be cray.
There's been a lot of madness out there lately, but today? Today was like a supercut of Nic Cage Screaming outtakes that Werner Herzog deemed "too frightening."
The weekend was kinda quiet, at least by recent standards, right? All 36 members of the Scott Baio fan club showed up for Mayor McCheese's "Pittsburgh not Paris" rally, while thousands participated in March For Truth protests in more than a 100 cities, so y'know...Both sides.
On Saturday, a horrific terrorist attack took place in London. Given the opportunity to do his job and Lead the Free World, Donald J Trump (the J stands for "Fuckhead,"
was determined to rise to the challenge. Pacing the hallowed halls of the White House, looking to the portraits of great American leaders from Washington to Lincoln to Roosevelt, he said "Boys, I'm out of my element here, and I need your help...what should I do?"
And, because he's perpetually high on over-the-counter speed and his favorite Hong Kong Black Market hair growth tonic, he hallucinated that a painting of Millard Fillmore came to life and told him "Insult the Mayor of London, my good man! It's the only Presidential thing to be done!" before climbing out of its frame to sexually assault a portrait of Nancy Reagan.
And insult London's Mayor he did! Wielding his twitter account like a Sword forged from the Most Diseased Horseshit in All the Land, he did chastise Mayor Sadiq Khan for counseling calm in the face of a terror attack, when everyone knows a REAL leader's job is to fan the flames of fear with crazed, ill-informed, racist ranting, and if that happens to be exactly what a terrorist's wettest dream is, well so fucking be it.
The Associated Press took the extraordinary step of informing its readers that the President of the United States of America should not be considered a trustworthy source of information during a time of crisis, (What? Just because he was tweeting fear-mongering propaganda from the fucking Drudge Report before anything had been confirmed? SNOWFLAKES.) which is so fucking embarrassing that Mount Rushmore turned hot pink for the shame of it.
Anyway, Shart Garfunkel wants everybody to know what a big tuff boy he is when it comes to terrorism, and how we all need to be Strong and Not Politically Correct and Totally Normal-Sized-Handed like him, and so he fired off his deranged tweets and promptly ran away to play golf with a retired football player, because THAT IS HOW A MAN LEADS, YOU LIBTARD FEMINAZI CUCKS! Surely when the Michael Bay twelve-part docudrama film of the Shart Regime hits theatres, this is the point where music swells into a mashup of "Proud to Be an American" and "America, Fuck Yeah!" as images of a bloated orange Toe golfing in slow motion are juxtaposed with those of that Dirty Mooslim Mayor Fellah actually Doing His Job During a Crisis, and there won't be a dry eye in the house. Straight fucking Capra, that.
Meanwhile, Mad Dog Mattis made his makeshift mea culpas for his misanthropic master's madness. He's seriously telling our understandably shaken allies "bear with us." BEAR WITH US, we're all trying to figure out how to survive this insanity, I promise I'll hit him with a rock before he orders a nuclear strike on Laos "just to make sure the button works." Heaven help us all.
Speaking of Mattis, see that shit in Politico where the national security team walked Lil' Man Shart through the speech he was supposed to give at the NATO summit, and it included giving the thumbs up to Good Ol' Article Five, but when he gave the speech, he was all, "You're not Steve Bannon, I don't have to do what you say," and instead gave Article Five the finger and had Russian hookers piss on it? Isn't it comforting to know our Idiot Manchild President has figured out how to lie to the handful of adults in his inner circle, like some sort of incorrigible Dickens orphan? "Oh no, Jim, I would never declare war on North Korea just to distract the country from Comey's testimony, TEE HEE."
Donnie's tweeting day was hardly done, of course. He had a bunch of things to say about his racist-ass travel ban executive order, for one. He bitched and moaned about how much we need his Big Bad Ban, and how it was a mistake to switch to the Watered-Down, Cuck-y, P.C. Second Version of his Big Bad Ban.
The lawyers he has hired to defend his executive order in court, whose case is based largely on A) No It Is Not a Ban and B) No It Is Not Just a Watered-Down, Cuck-y, P.C. Version of the Original E.O., have presumably wandered into woods, having taped thirty pounds of raw steak to themselves, screaming "Eat me! FUCKING EAT ME YOU PUNK ASS BEARS" for reasons beyond this writer's comprehension.
Seriously, Circus Peanut Syndney Greenstreet (I know, just let me have this one) is fucking up his own travel ban's legal prospects so bad, Kellyanne Conway's husband went online to say "DUDE! STOP SHITTING IN YOUR OWN TACO BOWL ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID well of course you are but ARE YOU EVEN MORE FUCKING STUPID THAN WE THOUGHT?
The Failing New York Times later published a piece about how Dorito Mussolini is upset with his Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, over all his recusin' and failin'-to-defend-travel-bans and whatnot. AG Sessions refused to comment for this piece, even when he was offered some peanut butter, which he usually gets all excited about.
Drumpf went on to blame Democrats for obstructing all the ambassadors he hasn't nominated yet, and also for making his fingers so freakishly, pathetically, short.
Captain Planet Nemesis/EPA Head Scott Pruitt came up with a genuinely clever method of fulfilling his idiot boss' empty promises to bring coal jobs back: just tell everybody you already did it and hope nobody bothers checking! Pruitt told Meet the Press that they've created 50,000 coal sector jobs, which would mean literally doubling the number of coal jobs that there are in the entire fucking country. While this is rather embarrassingly obviously untrue, Pruitt went on to claim that he can beat Super Mario 3 in four minutes, and also throw a wicked split finger fastball at 96 MPH with an absolutely sick last-second drop and he totally owned Mike Trout in little league but he hurt his arm pushing this supermodel's Corvette out of a ditch this one time. Also he has a smokin' hot girlfriend. In Canada.
Mitch McConnell and his team of raisinesque mean white people returned from their recess, having promised a draft of their Obamacare repeal bill, instead able to offer only a stack of Denny's receipts and a notebook where Susan Collins had doodled a half dozen pictures of Ted Cruz getting eaten by cats. Apparently the task of stealing health care from millions of their constituents without getting blamed for, y'know, KILLING A FUCKTON OF PEOPLE, is kinda tricky. WHO KNEW?
Word is, the Senate GOP caucus is now considering holding a vote on an ACA repeal bill they'd know in advance would fail, just allow the party to move on to failing at tax reform. If this wasn't the biggest pack of assholes in the country, you'd almost feel bad for 'em. You sort of picture all these crusty old white folks sitting around in depressed silence until Lamar Alexander goes "We just can't govern, can we, fellas?" and John McCain says "Nope," and then then Marco Rubio starts crying and they cheer him up by letting him punch Ted Cruz a few a times.
Kellyanne Conway and that one creepy Nazi dude went on the teevee to tell us that the President's tweets, literally THE THINGS THE PRESIDENT SAYS TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND THE WORLD are not accurate representations of the President's thoughts or policy or something, and the fact that I'm scanning the internet to see if Star-Wars-branded straightjackets might just happen to be a thing, and if so do they make them in my size, is just a coincidence, I assure you.
Politico published a sad little reverse mash note about how everybody hates Reince Pubis and he'll probably be fired before you finish this sentence because he is a shitty little weasel who sucks at his job but who the fuck would want a gig that's basically Shart wrangling all day long, the benefits package is migraines and ulcers and never having any self respect for the rest of your life and also probably jail, so Reincy-Poo probably gets to remain the President's personal Grima Wormtongue until sometime in 2019 when he finally snaps and gives Adam Schiff all the recordings he's been secretly making of Boss Shart trying to hire people to kill the entire FBI.
McClatchy told us the GOP is working on making the midterms a "referendum on the media," because that's exactly the position a healthy political party should be in after two years of total control of all three branches of government. Anyway, good luck with that, boys. It can't be any worse than running on your record of collaborating with the most corrupt administration in American history and trying to kill a bunch of us so rich people can have more money, to be fair.
Sean Spicer was in the doghouse today (a literal doghouse Drumpf had built in the corner of the Oval; Spicer has been existing on a diet of bone-shaped biscuits which he must earn by performing tricks for his boss' amusement.), so Sarah Huckabee Sanders wandered out to tell the press that while the President has ruled out invoking executive privilege to stop James Comey from testifying on Thursday, he's leaving the Run-Screaming-Into-the-Hearing-Swinging-Two-Ball-Peen-Hammers option on the table.
Oh, and then there was that shit with the leaked NSA memo about Russian state hackers trying to hack into American voting software vendors shit and all that. Whatever. Of course they did. Russia hacks everything these days. They're probably hacking me, right? VLAD PUTIN HAS THE BEST ASS AND ALSO DOES A KICKASS KARAOKE VERSION OF KISS ON MY LIST THAT MAKES ALL THE AMERICAN GIRLS WET WITH VLADLUST wait, who wrote that?
The leaker of this particular document was promptly arrested, and everybody's using words like "Opsec" because it makes them feel all cool, and her name is Reality Winner, actually fucking REALITY WINNER, which has me convinced that the last six months have been an elaborate prank on me personally and everybody's about to jump out from my closets like it's The Game, right? RIGHT???
Somehow, in the midst of this Sharknado full of Iowa State Fair outhouses, the Thumb That Somehow Governs Us decided that the one thing America really needed today, right goddamn now, is to have the air traffic control industry privatized. He set up a big fancy signing ceremony where he signed...fuck knows? It wasn't a bill or an executive order. He just likes signing things. "Look Mr. Bannon, it's my name! Just like on the buildings!"
You guys, I can't even get to everything. There's the thing about the Kushner family's debts in China, and a loser reporter trying to start shit with Mad Maxine Waters, and holy hell the crap with Qatar, but I'm about ten minutes away from being a Jackie Earle Haley character, so maybe we can catch up on the shit that fell through the cracks tomorrow.
(I did enjoy the bit where Sadiq Khan told Tangerine Idi Amin to shove his forthcoming state visit up his little orange butthole, though.).
Anyway, I assume Shartboy bombs something, probably San Diego, before Comey's testimony, so maybe I'll see you in the trenches!
The madness...holy shit, the madness...
Hey everybody! I'm sure you all enjoyed all the covfefe jokes, may they bring you comfort and cheer in these days of American decline!
Obviously the big news is the Marmalade Shartcannon withdrawing the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement, because the Dunning-Kruger effect is REAL, y'all.
His speech had Steve Bannon's grubby little fingerprints all over it, and you have to appreciate Darth Wino's talent for manipulating his boss; that bit about the rest of the world laughing at us? That's Drumpf's emotional sweet spot. One of these days, Ivanka's gonna fail to break into some foreign market, and she'll lean down and whisper "They're laughing at you, Daddy," and everything'll get all Dr. Strangelove in about three minutes.
Anyway, he stumbled from lie to lie, to polite applause from an audience of vampiric old white dudes, impatient to return home for the day's life-giving transfusion of orphan blood. He started by offering condolences to his best bud Duterte for the terrorist attack in Manila that wasn't actually a terrorist attack, but we've all long since abandoned any expectations of honesty from this clown, so who even noticed? When he bragged about how well his non-existent tax bill was doing? Same thing. One of these days he's gonna find out about the Tooth Fairy, and on that day we are all in God's hands, friends.
Reactions were swift and mightily goddamn embarrassing for any American who was laboring under the illusion that they live in some sort of first world nation governed by thoughtful leaders elected by a not-at-all-batshit-crazy populace. France, Germany and Italy wasted no time whatsoever responding to Shartboy's proposal for new negotiations with a hearty "The Art of this Deal is Go Fuck Yourself." Elon Musk and Disney CEO Bob Iger left the President's advisory council in protest. Defiant Old Hippie/California Governor Jerry Brown is assembling a ragtag band of governors and mayors and also an elf and a dwarf so we can learn lessons about racial harmony, to implement the terms of the agreement anyway, at least in places that aren't governed by malicious twits who think science is the devil's plot because understanding things is bad, I guess. Even the fucking Weather Channel chimed in with a good sturdy troll.
Folks, when the Weather Channel is trolling your president, all possible sharks have been jumped.
Anyhow, it's probably not so bad. Not like our Idiot Manchild President just turned us into an international pariah, or voluntarily handed China and India the keys to the burgeoning multi-billion dollar clean energy technology market, or sent every nation on Earth the message that the United States is an unreliable partner that's never more than four years away from a rube-backed toddler tearing up decades of carefully-orchestrated diplomacy in a tantrum over the French President shaking his tiny hand too hard. OH WAIT.
This is just the kind of thing you have to expect when you elect the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's Understudy as your President. Apparently.
Meanwhile in Oklahoma, James Inhofe opened his freezer, took out the snowball he's lovingly preserved all these years, and finally fucked it into nonexistance, with tears of joy streaming down his face, as he has long planned.
Speaking of climate change, Michigan Congressdolt Tim Walberg says "Don'tchoo worry none, citizenfolk! If climate change is a real problem, then God'll take of it!" I say, if God thinks the rich are paying too much in taxes, let's leave cutting 'em to him.
Anyhow, what else is going on?
The Velveeta-Bloated Tick isn't going to let a silly thing like multiple investigations into his ties with Russia get in the way of acting like a Putin marionette, as he's apparently working to return a couple of spy compounds to Russia. "Y'know what'll take the heat off, Jared? Let's give Vlad his spy buildings back so he can spy on us better! I can't be expected to blab every piece of of classified intel the Boss wants in Oval Office meetings, shit, I can barely remember how to fucking walk!"
Dorito Mussolini broke with his predecessor's tradition in declining to note that today marked the beginning of LGBT Pride month, surprising no one except Log Cabin Republicans, surely the most confused organization in human history.
Oh, James Comey will be testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee on June 8th, won't that be fun? I get the feeling this'll be an unusually well-watched congressional hearing, sources tell me the Rolling Stones have been signed for the halftime show. I suspect this will prove challenging to Toupee Fiasco's assertion that the real story here is Unmasking.
Operation: Swamp Drain continues to go swimmingly, even if Boss Shart has granted waivers that allow his entire senior staff to continue dealings with any advocacy groups or media outlets they may have previously worked with, or, y'know, RUN coughcoughBreitbart. Oh, and he may've broken his ethics pledges by hiring a few lobbyists to work for him. Overseeing industries that they lobbied for. Don't worry, it's only like, 74 people.
So he breaks that promise. He breaks the promise to move the embassy in Israel to Jerusalem. But the one with the devastating consequences for the entire planet? I DRAW THE LINE THERE, AMERICA! WHEN DONALD TRUMP PROMISES A WASTELAND, HE GIVES THE PEOPLE A FUCKING WASTELAND.
Anyhow, word on the street is the Shart House is having trouble filling gigs like the freshly-vacated communications director post. I guess holding a jobs fair in an asylum that's burning to the ground while simultaneously sinking into a tar pit has its disadvantages. HUH.
And hey, it turns out Jared Kushner and Ol' Beauregard may've had yet ANOTHER meeting with Sergey Kislyak that seems to have slipped their minds on those pesky ol' federal disclosure forms. I tell you what, folks, that Kislyak fellah must have some wicked Jedi mind tricks that so many of these assclowns have forgotten so many of their encounters with him.
Oh, and Putin changed his tune a bit, suggesting, after months of denial, that yeah, maybe a Russian or two might've done a little bit of hacking in the American election. Not anybody who works directly for the state, and certainly not anybody who'll be alive come Monday, but you know those hackers and their hijinks! (Translation: he done got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.)
Yahoo broke the news (Good for you, Yahoo! Welcome to club, please report to Jake Tapper for hazing.) that Shart Administration officials, upon taking over the State Department, basically figured out how the coffee machine worked and then went right to work trying to repeal Russian sanctions because nobody makes Vlad wait for his money. If one were feeling less than charitable concerning the honor of folks like Kushner, Sessions, and Flynn, you could almost believe shit got worked out in advance. Maybe in, I don't know, some meeting they perjured themselves in refusing to disclose.
There's probably more, folks...but I'm all hopped up on cough syrup and despair for the future, so I'll have to sign off here...
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