TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalA slow news day...still swimming in madness...
Kinda quiet today, huh? With SCROTUS and so much of his team traveling to Europe, the air seemed a little sweeter, didn't it? A little less...sharty, I guess is the word I'm looking for.
Anyway, the Living Garbage Pail Kid is in Poland by now, where the compliant right-wing government has promised to bus in a crowd full of ringers to cheer him and loudly proclaim the normalness of his hand size.
Still, Ol' Shartful was greeted by a glowing green protest message, "NO TRUMP YES PARIS" projected on the Palace of Culture and Science. Drumpf was reportedly frightened at the sight of the projection, as the giant green lettering reminded him of the recent GHOSTBUSTERS remake, which he believes to be a documentary.
Anyway, I hope he found his limo in Warsaw. Or at the very least that some handler steered him to it before he wandered off into the night and joined some creepy Eastern European circus that'd dress him up like some crazed, roller-pin-wielding babushka and charge children a ruble or two to throw rotten eggs at him.
I want to take a moment to draw everybody's attention to one of the most tragic stories in America today. It seems Nikki Haley, our United Nations Ambassador, had to WORK on the holiday! Because the various members of Team Shart generally prefer to suffer in noble silence, we wouldn't even know of Haley's plight were it not for the Tweet she sent out to the entire world whinging about having to spend the day in meetings rather than joining the rest of the Cabinet in shooting bottle rockets at the bushes on the White House lawn until Sean Spicer was driven, singed and crying, into the open to be pelted with uneaten potato salad.
Well, Ambassador Haley, we in the Resistance feel your pain. We're sorry you had to work on the Fourth, you poor thing. Granted, countless thousands of Americans had to work, too, many of them in jobs that don't pay them enough to meet their basic needs, and your party is fighting like hell to steal their health insurance, but FUCK, MEETINGS ARE THE WORST, RIGHT?
Anyhow, with most of the usual suspects quiet today, maybe we can focus on how the modern GOP, independent of Sphincter-Faced Goon who took over last summer, is cruelly, uncontrollably, gleefully, batguano cray all on their own, shall we?
Let's start with Louisiana Congressmoron Clay Higgins, who decided that Auschwitz was the appropriate backdrop for a self-aggrandizing video that called, horrifyingly, for an "invicible" military, a sentiment shared by the builders of the gas chambers Clay decided to use as his theatrical backdrop. That Higgins, who has previously called for the indiscriminate murder of all those merely suspected of being "radicalized," should be so hideously, cartoonishly lacking in self-awareness should surprise no one at this point. But still. Fuck, bro. What's wrong with you?
Didja see that Florida Republicans passed a law that enables any random jag to challenge any aspect of the curriculum in the public schools in their district? They really fucking did this. So now that guy who gets all jacked up on bath salts and fucks an alligator to death can go your daughter's grade school and challenge the math book BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS SIX TIMES EIGHT MEANS IT'S TIME TO CHEW THE GYM TEACHER'S FACE OFF, KIDDIES!
Of course, that's not the bill's intention, I shouldn't be so silly. The point is for crazed evangelical lunatics to gain legal standing to chase climate change and evolution and other aspects of the Demon Men Call Science out of our schools, because "Goddammit, if my kid's gonna be raised a dumbass, it ain't fair for your kids to get a real education, they'll have a leg up."
Mitch McConnell and his band of entry-level Koch employees, excuse me, "United States Senators," continue their quest to find the maximum number of American lives to ruin and/or end without facing electoral consequences, bless their black, shriveled, little hearts.
Word is Ted Cruz and Mike Lee, America's favorite pair of incorrigible lunatics, reeeeeaalllly want to squeeze as much murder as possible into the bill, while Dean Heller frantically scrambles for a photo op where he like, plugs some grandmother's respirator back in, or something.
So Mitch finds himself caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place here, especially since Rand Paul on the I-would-literally-hunt-and-eat-the-poor-if-I-could-get-away-with-it Right and Susan Collins on the I'm-running-for-governor-and-I-can't-win-if-my-constituents-notice-I'm-killing-them Center keep indicating their opposition is more or less cast in stone. (GET IT? ROCK? STONE? I'll stop now.) Shit, all Mitch wants to do is lay a shit-ton of eggs on the beach and swim away into the sea for a year or so, you'd almost feel bad for him if he wasn't such a power-mad evil fuckhead. But he is. So, y'know...fuck him.
Meanwhile, individual Republican Senators are doing everything in their power to avoid anything that even resembles a constituent on their holiday recess. They're either refusing to meet with any citizens, or doing so only in the most out-of-the-way, hard-to-reach, deep-red corners of their states. Shit, Pat Toomey had a fake, invitation-only "town hall," hoping nobody would notice the protesters he refused to let in. We told Pat we noticed, but he just squinted real hard and covered his ears and insisted we weren't real. If I found out that, say, Roy Blunt, scheduled an open town hall in Gotham City or Narnia or some shit, hoping to slip back to D.C. before anybody figured it out, I wouldn't even blink.
And hey, no need to keep the spotlight solely on the political class! Nah, let's get down in the weeds and spend some time with the base! These Real Muricans who every media outlet tells me matter more than anyone else despite their inability to tell the difference between observable reality and Pizzagate.
Seems a bunch of the little Shartkins whipped themselves up into a state of extra-frothy rage at National Public Radio for their terrible horrible no good very bad divisiveness! How dare they criticize the God Emperor by...tweeting out quotes from the Declaration of Independence?
C'mon, really? REALLY? I mean, if these folks were bright, they'd have seen through Don the Con like the rest of us, but...yelling at the fuckin' DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE? Are we 100% sure this is real? Because if somebody told me we were all living inside an unfinished draft screenplay of a Michael Bay movie, I'd go, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...makes sense."
Good Gravy, this stuff with CNN and the internet hatebeast that made the stupid WWF video? I guess the big cause on the right today is...give me a minute, this is so epically fucking stupid that I can't be sure I'm getting it right...that CNN blackmailed the guy (they didn't) and he's only 15 (he's a grown man) and they doxxed him (again, no) and it's some kind of evil fake news media assault on a Trump supporter (wait, what?) and they broke some laws (wh-am I on a hidden camera show or something?) and it's...fuck. I get it. Y'all hate the media, and you don't really need an excuse to run around ripping your hair out and screeching about whatever perceived sin they've committed, but c'mon...you're sticking up for some rando that makes a bunch of racist hate memes? Is this, finally, what the American Right has come to? WHO WILL THINK OF THE ANONYMOUS REDDIT KLANSMEN?
There was that little thing where it turns out that the gender pay gap among White House staff under the Shart is wider than it's been in years, you saw that, right? Puts you in a weird position, doesn't it? Like, our values are our values, but are we rooting for Omarosa and Sarah Huckabee Sanders to get raises?
Oh, and Hobby Lobby, aka the Tip of the Spear of Religious Liberty, got caught smuggling thousands of ancient artifacts out of Iraq, because while covering birth control for their employees is against their religion, years of massive, organized theft isn't, in spite of Thou Shalt Not Steal being engraved rather clearly on all those Ten Commandments monuments these fucks are always trying to install in publicly-owned spaces.
Funny, how often the folks who spend half their lives passing judgment on the morality of others turn out to be criminals who don't live by the rules they'd force on the rest of the world...innit?
Huh. There was a bit more insanity than I'd initially thought. Well, let's all take a breath, open a beer, and get back to photoshopping Chris-Christie-on-the-Beach into assorted amusing historical and fictional scenes. If there's a God, that's why he made us.
Oooooo, holiday madness! Different!
Hey there, folks. The insanity seems to be merely simmering this long holiday weekend, congress is in recess and Baron Golfin von Fatfuk merrily roams his natural habitat for a few extra days. But let's check in real quick.
Still, what better way to ring in our annual celebration of Independence and Liberty than by undermining the free press, and encouraging violence against journalists, amiright? C'mon in, grab a hot dog, there's a condiment bar over there by the ammo bin!
Yup yup, the Candycorn Skidmark, having ceased his emotional development as a toddler, passed on a cutesy little gif from his wrasslin' days, o-so-cleverly doctored to make it look as though it was CNN (or I guess some cube-faced, CNN-branded genetic experiment gone wrong) and not Vince McMahon he was taking out with his poorly-executed clothesline (Seriously, man, a referee could pull that move off better! Can't you do any fucking thing right?), because that it a normal thing that 70-year-old men do.
For extra fun, the gif in question seems to have been created by one of the grimier racist trolls dwelling near the vents of the sewage treatment plant of Reddit's sphinctersphere or whatever the fuck the MRA/gamergate/alt-human crowd feels like calling themselves, I honestly don't give a shit.
Amusingly, this information comes to us on the first anniversary of Drumpfy's equally made-by-racist-trolls Star of David tweet, remember that? If a Twitter Trumpkin still insists the ol' God Emperor isn't racist, and no one believes him, does he make a sound as he masturbates, alone in his mom's basement, to anime?
Oh, and Smallhands Magoo is getting ready for his big performance review, heh, 'scuse me, "meeting" with Daddy Vlad at the G20 summit. Word is, he isn't planning on even lightly admonishing Putin for his repeated, sustained attacks on our nation's democracy, because...well...
...because the President of the United States doesn't care about the country's security. At all.
Isn't that a weird lil' thing to be dealing with? I confess, nothing in my American history n' civics schooling prepared me for the eventuality of the country being led by a butthole-faced dirtbag who cares more about being criticized on cable tv than about protecting the nation from foreign attacks. EVERY DAY IS A NEW ADVENTURE I GUESS.
Meanwhile, Kris Kobach continues to receive "Go fuck yourself" responses from various state-level officials for his sinisterly pathetic attempted data grab. Sources close to Kobach tell me he plans on collecting them all in a tasteful binder, displayed alongside those collectible state-themed quarters from a few years back. He hopes to eventually give the binder to his grandchildren in an effort to bribe them into communicating with him, but they won't, because Grampa Kris is white supremacist who tried to sell his country out to petty authoritarians, and no one will say his name without immediately spitting.
Oh, and Kris got hit with a Hatch Act complaint, lots of that going around these days. Almost enough to make you think these fucks fancy themselves above the law. Tick tock, assholes.
Team Shart is reportedly at work on a plan to smuggle Sunny D-bag into Great Britain on short notice so nobody has enough time to organize protests. Do they think it takes, like, a month and a half to make a posterboard sign that says "Oi, fuck off ye wee-fingered cunt?" Geniuses, the people ain't.
Speaking of genius, the Senile Circus Peanut pried himself away from the teevee long enough to deliver some batshit remarks about space, while Buzz Aldrin looked at him like the child-brained lunatic he is, and we had a little a laugh, because if he's babbling incoherently about space travel, I guess he can't order the bombing of Cleveland because Jerry Springer made fun of him on Twitter.
Chris Christie, with approval ratings lower that "Having Syphilis and Being Set on Fire and Also You Live in a Port-a-Potty," decided he has nothing left to lose and went FULL JAG this weekend. After shutting down the government, (and thus all public parks and beaches) in a budget scrap with his legislature, Governor Jag took his family out for a private party on one of the beaches the people own, but can't use this holiday weekend because Christie shut the government down. And of course he lied about it, and of course he caught in the lie, photographed by some enterprising journalists at NJ Advanced Media (journalists are the fuckin' BEST, y'all).
This is NOT what Bruce Springsteen would do, Chris. I wonder if we got a kickstarter going, if we could commission The Boss to write a song about what a sad sorry sack o' shit Chris Christie is. Somebody get on that.
The Anthropomorphic Outhouse apparently caught wind of the tragic story of Charlie Gard, and decided to use a grieving family to score some cheap points. He offered them his help in transporting Charlie to the United States for an experimental treatment with an extremely low chance of success. It seems almost noble, until you remember the GOP "healthcare" (how Paul Ryan says that without cackling like a demon escapes me) bill he's been pushing would kick millions off medicaid and impose lifetime coverage caps, directly creating God knows how many thousands of Charlie Gards.
But still, the Breitbart crowd takes this as proof that their boy is history's great humanitarian now. And they'll likely keep on believing it right up 'till the moment when Tom Price shows up at their door to reclaim their transplanted kidney for non-payment of bills. (Price reportedly likes to rip the repossessed organs out with his bare hands, chanting "KALI MAAAAAAAAA" at the top of his lungs.)
In the midst of all this fuckery, Fox News is so desperate to cover any damn thing except the actual news they actually put some kid who cleaned up Tangerine Idi Amin's walk of fame star on the air. Kid, you can wipe it off, but that thing's still gonna get pissed on more than All the Urinal Cakes West of the Mississippi Put Together.
But hey, the news ain't all bad, resisters! Swamp Thing Villain Scott Pruitt lost a big court case on pollution standards, and the death merchants at the NRA lost a stand-yer-ground case in Florida. And if nothing else, we're one day closer to the Goddamn Midterms, which you should all vote in.
Anyway, have a happy Fourth, everybody! Hope Drumpf doesn't sell your hometown to Putin for a handful of shiny, shiny beads!
Later than usual due to the sheer volume of batshit crazy nonsense, my apologies.
Folks, when you wake up to find former Attorney General Eric Holder felt the need to send out, like, the St. Crispin's Day Tweet to "the career men & women at DOJ/FBI," you fucking well know that Shit. Be. Cray.
And it is. Shit is also hitting the fan. Cray shit is hitting the fan and spreading insanity and poo all over your bedroom, BETCHA WISH YOU HAD CENTRAL AIR, RIGHT?
Oh Sweet Jesus Rubbin' His Ass on Your Brand New Carpet, this thing with Joe and Mika!
Because he is crazed, sloppy maniac, Shart Garfunkel apparently hate-watches Morning Joe while they report on what a sack of fetid hippo turds he is, and it makes him mad...der than usual. So yesterday he lost his shit and somehow managed to force his limp, inadequate, baby hands to tweet out some hateful sexist garbage about how Mika luvs Drumpf so much but he's over her cuz there was blood coming out of her wherever from a face lift.
While any decent human being can recognize this as unacceptably repulsive behavior, let's not forget that SCROTUS has surrounded himself with some fantastically indecent human beings, and they dutifully marched out to defend the Bathtub Clog That Somehow Won the Electoral College, because they figure their souls are a long fucking gone by now.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders was all "The American people clearly wanted a Neanderthal Hate Beast as President," before moving on to opine that gun violence happens because of the inferior morality in Chicago COUGHCOUGHITSTHEBLACKPEOPLE or some shit. After her musings on righteousness, SHS excused herself to have tea and biscuits with her daddy's multiple child molester friends.
Kellyanne was equally indignant, impugning the patriotism of those who insist on reporting that our Piece of Shit President is a Piece of Shit. Since this wouldn't be the last time Kellyanne's name popped up in today's gnus, I'll just leave this alone for right now, walking away with a dark chuckle at Kellyanne's "patriotism."
Anyhow, Joe n' Mika counter-counter-punched, telling the world that Team Shart sicced the National Enquirer on them, and that high ranking executive branch officials told them that if they just apologized and eased up on the ournalism-jay, then Boss Shart could make the story go away, and America wouldn't need to know that Joe fathered an alien duck baby with that space hooker he met at the Tesla concert.
No big deal, just the President of the United States and his staff trying to blackmail members of the free press into providing more favorable coverage.
If this shit keeps up, Bashful Bob Mueller's investigative team is gonna need more staff than a mid-twentieth-century Hollywood Biblical Epic. THE TEN INDICTMENTS, whaddya think?
(Some folks are saying Jar-Jar is swept up in the whole colluding-with-a-tabloid-to-blackmail-journalists deal. I just think it'd be a shame if he went to jail before he can finish bringing peace to the Middle East.)
Mitch McConnell's health care headaches got worse, as the CBO released a direct-to-DVD sequel to their score of his MurderBill, saying "Oh yeah, he tried to trick us by putting the steepest cuts to Medicaid outside the ten year window we usually look at, but we noticed, NICE TRY, DONATELLO!"
Now, we know from experience that Shartboy tends to mindlessly ape the views of the last person who talked to him, and on the health care front, that seems to have been Rand Paul. So the Idiot Manchild parrots Rand's pet idea that they should just repeal Obamacare straight out, and then hope for the fucking best when it comes to the replacing.
And now the furthest-right members of the Senate GOP caucus are running around the playground, high on Pixy Stix and Grape Crush, taunting the others "nyah nyah, the President agrees with MEEEEE!!!!!!!" and giving all the moderates wedgies. Now, this makes Yertle's job much tougher, because he's being tugged from the semi-rational center AND the lunatic right, so maybe this whole thing will fall apart and millions of Americans will get to, y'know, GROW OLD BECAUSE THEY WON'T DIE FROM TREATABLE SHIT, but just in case, let's keep blasting these fuckers' phone lines, huh?
The Man With a Tumor-Filled Scrotum For a Heart is apparently really excited about his upcoming employee evaluation with Vlad Putin. Nobody can seem to convince Donnie that Russia isn't our BFF, that they'll never return that copy of River City Ransom he loaned them six months ago, that they FUCKING ATTACKED OUR DEMOCRACY, and in fact he's asked the National Security Council to prepare a list of "deliverables" to offer Vlad, because he is not a Russian agent even a little bit. What those "deliverables" may be, God only knows, but I'm assuming it's a couple of nuclear subs and maybe Delaware.
Axios reported that the Marmalade Shartcannon is all damp n' sweaty to get his trade war started, because he is a stupid, stupid man who thinks that such a thing can be done without consequences. Everybody except Animate Lawn Gnome Wilbur Ross and Steve "Darth Wino" Bannon kept yelling "FUCK NO YOU FUCKHEADED MORON" at him, but hey, maybe we'll get to see a U.S.-led global financial meltdown, that'll be...different.
The Pumpkin Spice Assclown's shitty racist travel ban went into effect, and we learned that we're using it to keep an all-girl group of Afghan teen inventors from attending a robotics competition they'd earned their way into, thank god we've been protected from this grave threat, it was probably going to be like, Ultron, Only For Jihad, like it would only attack bakers who refused to make cakes for gay weddings.
Kris Kobach's "Silly Rabbit, Voting is for White People" campaign kicked into gear today. For starters, Hans Von Spakovsky, frustrated after several failed attempts to kill Captain America, joined the commission. Hans is the OG vote suppressor, so of course he wants in.
Anyhow, Kobach sent out this ridiculous letter demanding that states turn over all kinds of information a little Nazi like him shouldn't be trusted with; names, addresses, drivers license numbers, SSNs, do you prefer cake or pie, how attractive on a scale of 1-10 do you find Chris Pine (now, I'm straight, but in all honestly I have to say "at least 6"
, did you eat the last Hot Pocket DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME CARL, and several years' worth of voting histories.
Needless to say, state officials from both parts are telling Kris where he can stick his letter. Mississippi's Republican Secretary of State even told him he could jump in the Gulf of Mexico, so other officials are feeling pressure to up their game. "Make like a tree and go fuck yourself," reads a draft from Illinois, but the SoS thinks he can probably do better if he sleeps on it.
Most hilariously, Kansas Secretary of State...wait for it...Kris Kobach...announced he can't comply with his own records request because of state privacy law. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHOHGODIHURTMYBACK
Oh, and there was that little story the Wall Street Journal broke.
The one about that GOP operative/activist, what was his name? Peter Smith?
Something about...forgive me, I've got a couple beers in me...something about...colluding with Russian hackers to gain access to Hillary Clinton's e-mails and pass them on to the Drumpf campaign, via Mike Flynn and his Angry Thumb of a son? Yeah, that one.
Weird, that Hannity and Hume and the other toadies in the right wing media started singin' that whole "Colluding with a hostile foreign power ain't no thang" tune a few days ago, don'tcha think?
Now, just for a little extra flava, Peter Smith died a few days after giving his interview with the Journal. And that's...a bit weird. Maybe it's coincidence. Maybe he was like, terminally ill and trying to clear his conscience in order to get a nicer cot in hell. Or hey, maybe Reince Pubis got wind that he'd spilled the beans, and had him polonium 210'd. Maybe he's been haunting Shart House aides since his death, and Steve Bannon is just now realizing he's not a pink elephant, who can say?
But that was last night. TONIGHT, we learned that Peter had listed not only Flynn, but Kellyanne "SuperPatriot" Conway and Steve "Satan's Servant on Earth" Bannon in a recruitment document for said collusion-with-Russia project.
FUCK.
And if you haven't read Matt Tait's piece over at Lawfare, filling in some of the gaps in this story, and describing his own experience with it, you need to jump over there and read that shit right fucking now. Don't worry, my last paragraph isn't that funny.
Folks, I know there's more. The Shart wants to sue CNN and invade North Korea and I guess spend all that Meals on Wheels money he's cutting on going into spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace, and we all found out how many of our tax dollars are going to Bannon's gin fund and Omarosa's gilded "The Honorable" stationary, and fuck knows what else, but it's late, and these last three beers ain't gonna drink themselves. Be well, and, as always, VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
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