HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » TheFerret » Journal
Page: 1 2 Next »


Profile Information

Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 487

Journal Archives

Puerto Rico is Just Like Katrina, Only With Tons More Presidential Golf and Whining

Hey folks! New post up! Check it out below, or at my humble blog site:


Looking back, the Presidential debates really did us a disservice last year. The moderators failed to ask the questions that would turn out to be relevant. Questions like "Does it matter to you whether an American citizen lives or dies, assuming that citizen is Puerto Rican?" or "During a humanitarian crisis, will you lash out at the victims for disrupting your weekly golf vacation?"

Yes, as Puerto Ricans suffer and die, President Turdweasel wields the power of his post and his pulpit tirelessly in the cause of...blame deflection. Especially since the Washington Post published an article laying out precisely how his indifference and inaction worsened the crisis, SHARTUS wants everybody to know those shiftless, lazy brown people are to blame for their own problems, having so foolishly placed their island in the path of a hurricane (Puerto Rico's an island, by the way. Surrounded by big, fat, sloppy ocean water. A lot of people don't know that). Besides, goddammit, after a tiring week of working to crush black athletes' speech rights, HE HAS EARNED HIS GOLF TIME AND ALSO PROBABLY A THIRD SCOOP GET RIGHT ON THAT GENERAL KELLY.

(While I'm writing this, Sharty McFly tweets out that Puerto Ricans shouldn't believe the "fake news," by which one assumes he means their own direct experiences of trying to survive without power or clean water, but instead believe his own version of events, where everyone is riding around on unicorns talking about how magnificent their President is.)

Moving on, HHS is forbidding employees from participating in regional Obamacare outreach/sign-up events. See, they can't prevent you from HAVING the right to affordable health insurance, but if they do their damnedest to keep you from KNOWING about that right, well, maybe a few extra poor folks will die, and we all know how much Paul Ryan loves holding fundraising dances out in Potter's Field.

You sort of expect them to pursue this tactic more and more in the future. Like, they'll build a bunch of new highways, cover them in tarps and blankets, and then sit by the side of the road, snickering at all the poor schmucks still stuck in traffic during their morning communities.

I guess young Jared Kushner didn't tell the Senate Intelligence Committee that he was conducting government business from a private e-mail address like some sort of Hillary Clinton. In fact, the government only learned about this lie memory lapse because Jar-Jar's lawyer fell for a prankster's hoax.

Hmmm...this may be a new avenue for the Russia investigation. Maybe if we take these dopes out for a night of competitive improv, they'll get even sloppier and spill the remaining beans. "Ok, I need an audience suggestion for a Place You'd Commit Treason In...the Seychelles, good! Now can I get the name for, let's say, a Russian Oligarch to Serve as an Intermediary Between Your Campaign and the Kremlin?"

Speaking of Kushner, he's being sued for being a shitty slumlord! Hey, remember when we weren't governed by shitty slumlords? Not to get all partisan but...I liked those times better.

Anyway, Politico reports that Jared's boneheaded recklessness has almost certainly led to his devices and data being hacked by foreign powers. I dunno. Seems kinda redundant, since you can already count on President Shartcannon gleefully spouting classified intel to show off for visiting dignitaries.

The Melting Sherbet Manatee has taken to telling people that he totally woulda repealed Obamacare, but they fell just shy a vote shy because there was a Senator in the hospital.

Now, there were no Senators in the hospital, which is really quite easy to uncover, as there are only 100 of them and they're all pretty famous (well, maybe not you, Steve Daines) and therefore fairly easy to keep track of.

Makes you wonder why he'd even attempt a lie so pathetically obvious? I mean, you'd need to be instinctively dishonest, hopelessly stupid, and reflexively unwilling to take any responsibility whatsoever to even ATTEMPT such a brazen...

...hang on, I get it now.

Anyway. Secretary of Trophy Wives Steve Mnuchin didn't like a federal study that demonstrated the Mnuchin-friendly tax cut Mnuchin spends all his time pimping is bad for the working class...so he took the study down! He's a real Gordian Knot Cutter, that Mnuchbag.

In the wake of a racist hate incident at U.S. Air Force Academy's prep school, Superintendent Lt. Gen. Jay Silveria gathered the cadets to deliver a righteous sermon/ass-reaming on the subject of being a piece-of-shit racist scrotal tumor. It must be noted that Silveria failed to identify any "very fine people" on the hate-mongering side. Boy howdy, that military coup can't come fast enough, AMIRIGHT?

Didja see that poll showing Slobbery Rage Preacher Roy Moore up a measly 6 points on his Democratic opponent, Doug Jones, in the Alabama senate race? That's a fightin' chance, Resisters! Let's all pitch in and help send Doug to the Senate! It might take awhile to get the smell of burnt crosses out of Jeff Sessions' old seat, but it'd be worth it!

Fresh off his no-consequences-for-a-lifetime-of-twisting-law-enforcement-to-serve-jackbooted-white-supremacy Presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio announced his intention to spend more time with his one true love, Birtherism, and somehow Sarah Huckabee Sanders trots out every day to condescendingly reprimand us for suggesting that any of this, from pardoning a fuck like Sheriff Joe to doing all he can to squash black athletes' free speech rights to abandoning Puerto Rico to die, implies that Donald J Trump (The "J" stands for "Racist." is in any way racist.

Oh hey, the Department of "Justice" is trying to sink Jeff Sessions' grubby, elven fingers into the personal Facebook account info of private citizens who had the audacity to protest this shitty, shitty regime's shitty shittiness.

No biggie, just an administration that's already demonstrated an alarming disrespect for the rule of law, collecting personal information on political opponents. I bet they just want to send everybody invitations to Ol' Beauregard's birthday party, where the centerpiece is everyone gathering around the veranda to watch injured racing greyhounds get euthanized.

Top Shart House financial advisor Gary Cohn, eager to sell his boss's tax "reform" plan, suggested that some middle class families would save around $1,000, which they could then use buy a brand new car, or maybe a box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Gary can't be bothered to understand the minute details of the economics of poorness!

The IMPORTANT thing is that Gary and his American oligarch bridge club, THEY'LL save enough money to buy a water polo team, or a private island, or maybe the last surviving breeding pair of some endangered species which they would then eat just because they can.

Megyn Kelly's struggles to reinvent herself as a cool, fun, friendly, television personality continue. "Why does everybody focus on the years of unapologetic right-wing propaganda schilling? JUST LET ME BE WHITE OPRAH DAMMIT!"

Speaker of the House/Olympic-Grade Asskisser Paul Ryan says there are no significant differences between him and his beloved God Emperor. Which, for those keeping score at home, puts Ryan and the GOP on the hook for the pussy-grabbing, the very-fine-peopling of Nazis, the leaving-Puerto-Rico-to-die, and, I suppose, the repeatedly-failing-to-repeal-Obamacare.

Somehow in the midst of all of this shit, we have to pay attention to this dumbshit Dr. Seuss story? Look, I get it, we all hate the Drumpfs and pretty much everything they do, but maybe when Melania donates some kids books, we can skip out on pitching that particular fit.

Hey, looks like Michael Grimm, fresh outta prison, wants to run for congress again! Naturally, he's hired a Shart campaign alum. Perhaps he'll join with Greg Gianforte to form the Unhinged Violent Lunatic Caucus. They won't propose any legislation, they'll just roam the halls of Capitol Hill like a gang from The Warriors.

So, a Dallas police sergeant tried to sue...Black Lives Matter. The hashtag? The idea? Who the fuck knows? Anyhow, a judge told him he can't sue a movement because DUH. Judge Jeanine and the Fux n' Frenz crew...did not take the news well.

Maybe Double J and the Morning Hate Brigade will move on to plan B, where they go door to door, demanding a nickel from every black person in America, one at a time. Think of it like reparations in reverse!

Pity poor Tom Price. He saw his cheap grifter boss blowing millions of taxpayer dollars on golf trips every single weekend and figured "nobody'll notice if one lil' ol' Cabinet Secretary were to drop one lil' ol' million on chartered jets, right?" (It's totally nuts that a guy with a long, documented history of abusing his government post for personal profit would abuse his government post for personal profit.)

After he got nailed to the wall by Politico, he even offered to pay the money back! Well...some of it. Not "most" of it, or "more than half of it," or even, to be honest, "terribly much of it," but...some.

Oddly, this feeble gesture wasn't enough, and he got shitcanned...er, "submitted his resignation" anyway.

(This space provided to allow the reader emotional space to weep for Tom Price. Please take your time. If you hear cacophonous laughter, don't worry, that's just me.)

Tom, as you transition to private life, I wish you crotch rot and gout. I wish you papercuts and wedgies and stubbed toes. And most of all, I wish you COACH. Long journeys in coach, with endless delays, sandwiched between two dudes who never, ever stop farting.

May all your fruit salads be filled with underripe honeydew, you shifty fuckwad. Go away forever.

Anyway, hopefully the Shart Administration will provide guidance on exactly how much taxpayer money you're allowed to piss away on personal extravagances before you get fired. That way an enterprising young administrative-state-deconstructor like Scott Pruitt can see when he's bumping up against the threshold, and cancel the steakhouse dinners so as to preserve the necessary mad money for his sound-proof fapping booth.

Heh...right on cue, VA Secretary David Shulkin, who's managed to remain relatively unnoticed in the day-to-day shitstorm thus far, got caught sticking taxpayers with the bill for his and his wife's fancy European vacation. Well, I've never been to Wimbledon myself, but at least I can say I paid for some corrupt dickbag to go.

Anyhow, that's all the news that's fit to scream at the television about. We're at, what...about 13 months before we get to Vote in the Goddamn Midterms? Whew. Let's hang onto that, folks.

Tom Price Spent $23,715 on this Post, But Jeff Sessions Doesnt Think It Counts as Free Speech

Hiya, Resisters! Here's tonight's post! Check it out on my blog site at:


I tell you folks, shit's so crazy it's like we're playing paintball with bat crap. Shit could only be crazier if, I dunno, the GOP nominated a member of the Taliban to run for an open Senate seat.

...wait, what? (Reads about last night's Alabama Senate primary runoff.)

Ok. I'm just about done, folks. Anybody know how to hibernate?

(Before we move on, let's take a quick moment to laugh at Dorito Mussolini's sad attempt to cover up his ginormous Alabama failure by deleting his tweets endorsing the Quite-Tall-But-Still-Unsuccessful Luther Strange. Does he think we didn't notice? It's like 1984 for abnormally unintelligent children.)

Anyhow, is anyone else sick of the dumbfuck GOP base rampaging unchecked around the countryside, fucking up everything in sight like Zombies That Eat Butts Instead of Brains Cuz They Won't Do What Those Snooty Coastal Elites Tell Them To?

We keep learning more and more about how the Russians used social media ads to influence the election, and it turns out the chief strategy was basically Rile Up the Dumb and the Racist with Obviously Untrue Shit But Don't Worry They'll Never Fact Check Anything That Tells Them to Hate the People They Want to Hate. (See Gate, Pizza.)

(Oh, and the left wasn't immune, as some of Vlad's Ads aimed to push the ragier bros from the Bernie movement into the waiting arms of Useful Idiot Jill Stein.)

There was a poll out today that says nearly half of all Americans don't know Puerto Ricans are American citizens, and of that near-half, NINETY-SIX PERCENT are Il Douche backers. "I love the poorly educated" indeed.

I don't want to be controversial here, but this whole thing where we're governed by the dumbest and angriest among us doesn't seem to be working out.

Meanwhile, that dude who wrote a bunch of the Blockhead Right's favorite fake news stories (Big hits include Obama Was a Gay Muslim & George Soros Pays Protestors) died from an overdose.

You shitty fucker. I hope you go to special hell populated exclusively by the dumbasses you misled, and you spend all eternity trying to get them to hook up your cable.

See that thing where North Koreans are calling up anybody they can get ahold of to figure out whether or not the Tantruming Toddler really wants to start nuclear war? "What's this fucking idiot thinking?" "DOES he think?" "Is 'Rosie O'Donnell' code for some sort of Doomsday Device?"

Our Attorney General has some...interesting ideas about free speech. Ol' Beauregard doesn't like it when Librul Antifa Demon(strator)s hold protests saying "White Supremacists Are Bad," but also that the NFL should make a rule where football players aren't allowed to mouth (er, kneel) off at work.

See, Milo Yannapedo has speech rights, but Colin Kaepernick doesn't. Milo's WHITE, you see.

For extra fun, Sessions had protesters banned from his speech about free speech. Maybe Jefferson just wants to personally select what is and isn't legally-permitted speech on a case by case basis. Also, he thinks your boss can fire you for being gay. He's got some sort of patchwork, Mr. Potato Head Constitution, I guess.

The acting head of the DEA is stepping down at the end of the week, because he feels the President of the United States has no respect for the rule of law. And America was like "Yeah, sounds about right, come to think of it I wonder why we haven't seen more of this," because we live in such normal, bland, boring, times.

A poppin' fresh University of Wisconsin-Madison study shows that the Wisco GOP's voter ID law did exactly what it was intended to; kept enough African-Americans from exercising their voting rights to perpetuate Republican power even as they lost the people's approval. And thus does Ron Johnson, whose staff won't allow him to handle grown-up scissors, get to blunder around the Senate floor, loudly wondering where the vending machines are, for six more years.

Hey, Shart, Jr. turned his Secret Service protection back on. Guess he got all those documents shredded. When they make the movie about these fucks, Junior's not gonna be portrayed as some elegant, Cary-Grant-esque master criminal, y'know?


Yup yup, the Velveeta Urinal Cake's really riding this anthem thing hard.

Word is, Sharty McFly takes his culture warrior role very seriously. Much more seriously than his commander-in-chief role, his steward of the economy role, his legislative shepherd role...Yeah, he's somehow convinced himself that if he can just force the NFL to shut the black guys up, his base'll forget about all those silly jobs he promised.

God knows that one fuckhead Pennsylvania fire chief is on board. Fuckhead wants everyone to know how unfair it is that folks are calling him "racist." That's like Andrew W.K. getting upset at someone for suggesting he enjoys partying, so fuck Fuckhead Fire Chief.

And yeah, there are still millions of Americans without power or potable water in Puerto Rico. The administration's strategy for dealing with this humanitarian crisis is...to desperately try to sweep it under the rug! They're blocking members of Congress from visiting the island, they're lowering expectations for success, they're even reminding us that...(sigh) that Puerto Rico is an island, and thus there is an ocean involved.

And of course, they're trying REALLY REALLY HARD to get us to focus on football players.

There's a bunch of talk about the Jones Act, which requires goods shipped between...you know what, rather than straight David-Clarke-style plagiarism, why don't you just read about it here?

Anyway, the Jones Act tends to get waived during national disasters, because, y'know, when it comes to helping people who need help, your first priority tends to be making sure folks get the help they need, wherever it comes from. Assuming you have some semblance of decency.

Ah, but when the people who need the help aren't white, and when your base doesn't think they're even American citizens...well, in that case, especially if you happen to be an exceptionally shitty human being, well, then you might be stupid/cruel enough to say that you're placing wealthy businessfucker's interests above the needs of suffering/dying human beings.

I see young Jar-Jar registered to vote as a girl Jar-Jar rather than a boy Jar-Jar. My sources tell me he also listed his occupation as "pony," and his party affiliation as "yes please tee hee."

Oh, and Kushner's lawyer got duped by a prankster, because that's just how we haze Team Shart's legal team, I guess. Spicey's lawyering up, so maybe somebody should call them and pretend to have pics of Sean peeing in the bushes while hiding from the press.

Roger Stone sat down for a friendly chat with the House Intelligence Committee, figuring that everyone would be so dazzled by his fancy suit and shiny hair that they wouldn't notice he wasn't answering their questions. They noticed, and now Roger's likely to have earned himself a subpoena of his very own. Nice job, Rog!

We keep learning about all the fun ways Tom Price has been spending our tax money on Tom Price. Private jets to have lunch with your son? MURICA FIRST! Shartboy allegedly isn't happy, but seems oddly uninterested in firing a guy just cuz he's burning through fat stacks of the public's hard-earned cash. Meanwhile, Price has stolen the Lunar Roving Vehicle from the Smithsonian in order to run to Walmart for shaving cream and Funyons.

Hey, speaking of egregious misuse of taxpayer funds, Scott Pruitt's merrily billing We the People twenty-five grand for some kind of creepy soundproof booth for his office. I guess Scotty-Boy doesn't want his trademark moaning to tip off his underlings that he's wanking to videos of panic-stricken polar bears on melting ice rafts AGAIN.

Oh, and it turns on Pruitt's taken his share of expensive trips on our dime, too. I liked the old swamp better, is all I'm saying.

Bob Corker announced his retirement from the Senate, opening up what's sure to be a bloody primary in Tennessee. I bet the GOP runoff comes down to a transplanted Kim Davis and Some Jag Who Promises to Create Jobs by Building a Koran-Burning Factory Outside of Chattanooga.

Corker's exit is the maraschino cherry on top of Mitch McConnell's shit week. Even SHARTUS is mocking him behind his back, to which I say, "Back off, making fun of Yertle is appropriating our culture."

And Don the Con rolled out his Let's Cut My Taxes, It's the Whole Reason I Ran, You Stupid Fucking Rubes Plan today.

Now, Smallhands Magoo insists the tax plan won't benefit him. "Believe me," he said in his speech today, and I think it's actually kinda cute that he still imagines anyone trusts him. Drumpf concluded his remarks by inviting the press to follow him into a nearby sewer, insisting "You'll float too."

So, his proposition revokes the Alternative Minimum Tax. While Donnie Darko has refused to release his tax returns (and he sure as shit ain't showing 'em to us now), remember way back when Rachel Maddow got ahold of a few pages? Yeah, you might check out what eliminating the AMT would do for the Grifter in Chief.

And it goes without saying that the Misshapen Traffic Cone wants to eliminate the estate tax, which will benefit his shitty kids to the tune of tens of millions of dollars. Is that really even necessary? I mean, Ivanka's been paying Eric in potato salad for years now. (He thinks it's currency, poor dumb kid.)

Anyway, the whole thing blows up the deficit, tosses another ten-ton weight on the wrong side of the inequality see-saw, and actually raises taxes on a bunch of us sucker non-millionaires, but don't worry...once it kicks in Paul Ryan will happily tell us we can't afford silly extravagances like "roads" and "education for our children" anymore.

Hilariously, Tangerine Idi Amin threatened Indiana Democrat Joe Donnelly that he'd come to Indiana and campaign against him if he didn't support the tax bill. The day after the candidate he endorsed got his ass kicked in Alabama. Heh.

It's like the Cardinals talking shit on the Cubs after the Cubs clinched the division in the Cardinals' home park, which happened while I was writing this, so forgive me if I take the rest of the night to cling to a little fleeting joy in the shitstorm. Be well, Resisters! Even the Cardinals fans!*

*You sure did lose to the Cubs tonight, though.

Thirty Two Short Films About Steve Bannon's Mole

Hi there resisters...here's the latest. As always, check out my blog site at:


Quiet weekend, huh? I mean, ok, the American President opened up a fresh new front in the culture wars for no good reason beyond his uncontrollable personal racism, but that's just how things are now, right?



Well, there's a major humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico, millions of Americans are without power or clean water, but don't worry, your President is laser-focused on the issue that matters most: black athletes with the audacity to actually USE their constitutionally-protected speech rights.

Yes, Donald J Trump (The "J" stands for "A Klansman Like My Father Before Me" is ON IT, y'all. He might not know what the Nuclear Triad is, or what the contents of any of the health care overhaul bills he's recklessly endorsed are, but he brings a fanatic's certainty to the issue of Folks Who Aren't White Gettin' Mouthy...er...Kneely, I guess.

Shart Garfunkel got so pissy over Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors declining the opportunity to shake his tiny, white nationalist, paw that he disinvited the whole team that was never gonna meet with him anyway, because maybe the rubes the New York Times interviews every three weeks will believe his version of this exchange.

And now the right wing is screeching WHY ARE THESE UPPITY PLAYERS DIGGING UP THE REMAINS OF OUR HONORED WAR DEAD AND USING THEIR SKULLS FOR URINALS IN THE LOCKER ROOM, and everyone is very calmly explaining that nobody's saying anything at all about the troops and the right's all WE KNOW THAT BUT WE'RE TRYING TO DEMONIZE YOU AND IT'S JUST EASIER WHEN WE STRAIGHT FUCKING LIE.

Well, SCROTUS is now calling for a boycott of the NFL. That's a totally normal thing, right? An American President attacking an American industry? Like, literally using the bully pulpit to tell the American people to destroy an industry that employs thousands of Americans? Happens all the time. Remember when Eisenhower tried to Destroy All the Hot Dog Stands, for example?

Now everybody from the John Cornyn to Rush Limbaugh is jumping on the boycott bandwagon in a frothy rage. Can you imagine, boycotting something you enjoy, even love, just because a few people asked to you consider, "Hey, Black Lives might Matter a little bit? Before we play sports for a few hours, could you take 90 seconds to consider that maybe, just maybe, Black Lives Matter?"

I think we should capitalize on this trend, personally. Shit, if we can get a bunch of grocery clerks to take a knee, we can probably get the entire Drumpf movement to starve themselves to death out of spite.

I dunno. Maybe screaming at black athletes will distract all those "economically anxious" types from the fact that he hasn't created any of those mining or manufacturing jobs he was always promising.

Anyway, I wonder what all the lil' Shartkins will do with their Sunday afternoons now? Lawn work? Crosswords? Or will they just sit and seethe at the dormant teevee screen?

Don't worry, Cuckflakes, NASCAR has your safe space, where you don't have to worry about any scary dark-skinned folks insisting that they're human beings with rights.

John Kelly was reportedly less-than-pleased that the Toddler in Chief decided to pick another stupid, uselessly divisive fight. General Kelly's starting to get the idea that this particular babysitting job might not be worth it, even though there's half a Boston creme pie and a six pack of MGD in the fridge, and the White House has HBO.

What's this? Little Man Jared got caught doing government business using a private e-mail address? I feel like I read someplace that this is a Bad Thing. Word on the street is that Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes is eating printouts of the emails, because he thinks that will destroy them.

(Once he's finished, a spokesperson says, Nunes plans on fucking two or three pigs. Hard.)

Oh my, and now Princess Ivanka got caught using personal e-mail too? AND Bannon? AND Priebus? AND Gary Cohn? AND even Shittiest of All Possible White Supremacists, Stephen Miller?

Boy, Gowdy Doody's sure got a lot of work ahead of him, what with all the investigations he'll have to launch now, because the rules are the same for Democrats and Republicans, right?

...heh. April Fool.

Neil Gorsuch went a-campaignin' for Mitch McConnell, which isn't what you'd call "ethical," but when a dude STEALS AN ENTIRE SUPREME COURT SEAT FOR YOU, I guess you owe him a favor, even if he is a repulsive, shriveled, evil, Turtle Man who wants nothing more than to steal health care from millions of children.

Well, Anthony Weiner's going to jail, and that's great, because he's a pervy old creep. Hey, thanks for that time when your grotesque urges led to Jim Comey telling the country he was reopening the investigation into Hilldawg's emails, Anthony. Hope you share a cell with some of the less savory characters from OZ.

Milopalooza out in Berkeley finally answered the age-old question, "What if we threw a riot for rage-filled white supremacist losers and nobody came?" Not much, it turns out.

Team Shartcannon rolled out the latest version of their shitty, racist, travel ban. The gimmick this time is, We Added North Korea So It's Totally Not a Muslim Ban. It's a bit like slapping a pair of reading glasses on Superman to make people believe he's a mild-mannered reporter who...


Somehow we're not at war with North Korea yet, despite being governed by perhaps the one dude on Earth so insecure and thin-skinned as to take every bombastic NK statement as a personal insult. As long as Kim Jong-un doesn't suggest Drumpfy isn't as wealthy as he claims to be, we oughta be fine.

(On the other hand, if they hack and release his tax returns, well, I hope whatever species that evolves from the radioactive roaches won't fall for the "private email server" gag when the time comes.)

Apparently Steve Bannon tried to plant a mole inside Facebook. My sources tell me he also briefly attempted to get one of his facial boils hired at Twitter.

Speaking of Facebook, we learned how Russians bought social media ads designed to stir up racial and religious divisions ahead of the 2016 election. Weaponizing our most prominent natural resource: Shitty, Stupid, White Dudes, against us. Clever girl.

Meanwhile, the Senate GOP continued their coke-binge, no-sleep-till-mass-murder-of-the-American-poor attempt to repeal the ACA and replace it with a bag of coal and six rusty flathead screws.

They tried bribery. (Rand Paul called the attempted buyoffs "unseemly," insisting on the clean purity of a bill that sends plebs straight from their cancer diagnosis to the Soylent factory, because Rand Paul is gentlemen in the "we made a mistake doing away with serfdom" sense.) They tried lying. (Naw, the bill ADDS coverage! Everybody gets health care and a corgi that talks and makes sure you pay your utility bills on time and also a hand job!*) One can only assume they tried dressing up like Dickensian Ghosts and visiting John McCain while he was undergoing cancer treatment.

And then they had a bunch of protesters in wheelchairs dragged away and arrested, because I guess they were worried the Koch Brothers would perceive them as soft and throw them into the shark tank that you totally know they have on the grounds of their compound.

Anyhow, along came the CBO, and they were all "WELL, since y'all are in such a frantic hurry to reshape 1/6th of the economy, we don't have time to actually do our job, but...SPOILERS this is a fat bag fulla murder, just like all their other bills, we just can't pin down precisely how much murder at this time."

And Susan Collins weighed in with her official "Nah," joining the "Nahs" of Rand Paul and John McCain, so it looks like we've probably put the monster down...until the next sequel.

And the right wing is so frustrated now that Ron Johnson's gonna just start sneaking into hospital kitchens and mixing arsenic into the freeze-dried mashed potatoes.

Of course, Louie Gohmert has a special plan that only a man of his intelligence could craft: let's get Arizona to un-elect John McCain and his stupid fatal tumor and replace him someone who likes murderin' poors a little more!

He's playing six-dimensional Calvinball, that Louie.

Hey, d'ya remember that thing the other day, where the President of the United States belligerently tweeted about an Iranian test missile launch? Well, FUN FACT, there was not missile launch. It was literally a recording of a launch from January, and it tricked the dude who has nuclear codes.

Thank God Drumpf wasn't President when Orson Welles was around, is all I'm sayin'.

Nigel Farage and Steve Bannon spoke at a rally for Roy Moore tonight. Other speakers included Greedo, the man-eating lions from The Ghost and the Darkness, and Immortan Joe.

Oh, this one's fun...Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke accused a full third of his staff of being disloyal traitors who sprinkle treason on their corn flakes, because Zinke's a cowboy and we live in THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE now.

Whelp, The Man With Phalangeal Stunting finally tweeted about Puerto Rico, if only to lower expectations. Yeah, things are getting Katrina-y down there, and the President wants everybody to know...it's not his fault. The buck stops literally anywhere but there. AMERICA FIRST...unless it's hard!

Now, maybe you read all this, and you went, "Cap, frankly, shit was not necessarily all that cray today," because Shock-Corridor-level madness is normalized now, and that's fair, BUT TO THAT I SAY...somebody paid almost seven grand for Hitler's old used underpants at an auction, and the next round is on me, so long as you're drinkin' straight bath salts, no chaser.

*The handjob does not come from the corgi, if this was not clear

9 Out of 10 Lions Say Nazis Are Tasty

Hey there Resisters! I know it's Friday night, but I'm postin' anyway!

Find me at:


Whelp, in the last couple of days our dipshit President has been called a blustering chimpanzee by Jane Goodall, and a "dotard" by that one chubby, belligerent North Korean fellow. Accuracy notwithstanding, it makes one sad that William Shakespeare won't get a crack at our artificially-tanned, inadequately-fingered, chief executive.

In other words, friends...shit be cray.

Anyhow, the Dotard Chimpanzee wants everybody to know that the whole Russia thing is a hoax, despite all the investigations and no-knock Manafort raids and whatnot.

Weirdly, this particular tweet came on the day when Homeland Security informed 21 states that "Russian government cyber actors" attempted to hack their election systems ahead of November 2016.

Anyway, we're assured they weren't at all successful, even though they targeted a bunch of swing states and the election was ultimately swung by about a football-stadium's-worth of votes.

Sleep tight, is all I'm sayin'.

So, this Republican state representative in South Dakota figured that everyone would be all giggly and delighted by a little meme she shared about running cars into crowds full of protesters, because that's what that Nazi terrorist did in Charlottesville, and if comedy has one golden rule, it's that things Nazis do to murder people are universally regarded as hilarious.

It's ok though. She issued roughly 38% of an apology. Consequences are for CUCKS.

Meanwhile Rambunctious Robert Mueller is apparently after ALL THE RECORDS these days, on the Comey firing, the Flynn firing, probably on the various crimes SCROTUS has committed against god-knows-how-many perfectly decent steaks.

In totally, completely, 100% non-related news, it turns out our ol' pal Sean Spicer kept ridiculously detailed notebooks while serving as Press Secretary. Don't worry Donnie, I'm sure it's mostly a slam book about Scaramucci.

And Dorito Mussolini keeps talking about his cool new autocrat friend, Tayyip Erdogan, whose goons beat up some American protesters...again. Yeah, you'd generally expect the President of the United States to take sides with his own people against the foreign nationals pounding the crap out of them, but we live in...unconventional times.

Betsy DeVos officially implemented her long-anticipated Affirmative Action for Rapists Initiative. "We like our campus sexual assaults like we like our tax returns," DeVos said, "Drastically underreported in service of maintaining established power dynamics!" Betsy's just one short leap away from setting up free rohypnol dispensers at frat houses.

From Politico, we learned that Tangerine Idi Amin is stocking the Agriculture Department with random, comically under-qualified campaign holdovers. Once the wheels really start coming off this wagon, and the resignations start piling up, we're gonna wind up with pizza delivery boys as Joint Chiefs, mark my words.

The Mooch went on the View to take The Dump on The Staff. Apparently he finds Reince Priebus dislikable, he thinks Sean Spicer was a liar (HOT TAKE THERE, MOOOCH), and says Steve Bannon has white supremacist "tendencies," which makes it sound like he just occasionally burns a small cross in somebody's lawn when he's had one too many Zimas.

Well, it looks like the latest attempt to repeal the ACA and replace it with a Mile High Pile of Murder has run off the rails. Susan Collins is leaning no, John McCain gave Lindsey Graham the NEW JACK CITY Am-I-My-Brother's-Keeper routine, and Rand Paul won't support it unless it sends the poor to Dickensian workhouses or something.

We need three GOP "no" votes, and we've only officially got two at this moment, so it's kinda fun to imagine the epic bribes Mitch McConnell must be offering Lisa Murkowski today. "We'll make you Duchess of Kentucky, Lisa! We'll make Marco Rubio dress up like a showgirl and dance for your amusement!"

Under most circumstances, repeating the same storyline over and over leads to diminished audience interest, BUT, speaking only for myself, I have a virtually limitless appetite for The Mitch McConnell Bets Big on Obamacare Repeal Only to Faceplant and Walk Away With a Giant Plate Full of Failure Show.

Not that this administration will do anything silly like embracing Obamacare or helping their constituents, or anything. Having significantly shortened the enrollment period and decimated the outreach budget, today we learned that they'll be shutting down the enrollment website for twelve hours almost every Sunday of the already-abbreviated sign-up window.

It's downright fuckin' WACKY having a government that works so hard to keep its citizens away from the potentially life-saving health care they're legally entitled to.

The (Failing?) L.A. Times informs us that the Marmalade Shartcannon went rogue during his bath-salts-and-adderall-fueled U.N. Speech, against advisor's advice, which explains John Kelly's Patrick Stewart impersonation.

Of course, there's no real reason to antagonize Kim Jong-un. It puts hundreds of thousands of lives at risk and accomplishes precisely Jack Shit. Sadly, our current head of state prioritizes "A bunch of strangers' lives" significantly below "Showing off the clever nickname I just thought up."

In other news, "Rocket Man," is what passes for "clever" to the most powerful human being alive. Sssssssssigh.

Meanwhile, Princess Ivanka is trying to weasel her way out of a shoe-design-theft lawsuit by claiming she's a fancy, important, government official, which is weird, because it was just the other day when she was saying how unreasonable it was for people to expect her to influence the President from her post as a Presidential advisor.

Tom Price keeps trying to explain his way around the 300-grand-and-counting private jet bill he's dropped in the taxpayer's lap (we can't afford Meals on Wheels, but we have plenty of spare $$$$ to make sure Tommy Boy doesn't have to get Poor on him when he feels like getting away from the office for the day.) Something about his demanding schedule, or the hurricanes, or, most insultingly/hilariously to "connect" with "real Americans."

Speaking of cartoonishly corrupt fuckheads, WaPo informs us that EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has basically been on a not-so-secret-Santa tour lately, meeting with "corporate executives from the automobile, mining and fossil fuel industries" before eagerly doing their bidding.

I tell you folks, I'm practically CHOKING on the populism, there's so much populism.

Anyhow, the guy who was allegedly so fabulously rich that he wouldn't be beholden to wealthy special interest donors is getting his ever-ballooning legal fees paid for by...wealthy special interest donors! Boy howdy, if buying access to government officials happens to be your thang, you couldn't hope to do any better than a septuagenarian grifter frantically scrambling to fend off a lifetime's worth of comeuppance.

And if I told you one of these donors has a bunch of connections to Russian oligarchs, up to and including Uncle Vlad's bud Viktor Vekselberg, you'd accuse me of really pushing the envelope with this whole collusion thing, right? "C'mon," you'd say, "Shartboy paying his legal fees with Russian oil money? Is that really BELIEVABLE?"

Believe it.

Oh hey, a lion mauled a Nazi. That's somethin'.

In other good news, it looks like Milopalooza at Berkeley has more or less collapsed. Weird that nobody wants to hang out with the "Pedophiles Are Actually Rad" guy.

Well anyway, because Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops was a very good boy and hasn't praised any Nazis for almost week, John Kelly let him go down to Alabama for a rally. Allegedly, it was a rally for Senator Luther Strange ahead of Tuesday's primary runoff, but Donnie made sure to let everybody know that he "might've made a mistake," and would campaign for his opponent (Deranged Bull Connor cosplayer Roy Moore) if he lost, because LOYALTY. He played all the hits, from the classic "Lock Her Up" to the new, Rick Rubin*-produced "Rocket Man." He was very high on Strange's tallness.

He went after Colin Kaepernick, too. He's probably just jealous, since Colin actually makes the charitable donations he pledges. Anyway, it's really neat to have a President who thinks people should be fired for exercising their first amendment rights, innit?**

I dunno. My working hypothesis is that I live in the alternate reality where all the Star Trek characters have sinister mustaches and shit. I'm trying real hard to get back home to a place where things make some semblance of since, but until then...

...shit be cray. Vote in the Goddamn Midterms.

*I don't mean to disparage Rick Rubin.

** It is not actually "neat." I say this because some folks on the internet have a little trouble with sarcasm.

Paul Manafort and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Special Counsel Investigation

Hi folks! Here's tonight's post! Also available on my site at:


Holy SHIT, Resisters! I last checked in two short nights ago, and I can't fucking BELIEVE the insanity that's gone down since then. Let's jump right in, 'ere my brain runs screaming from my very skull.

Well, the Man with Phalangeal Stunting stood in front of the whole dang United Nations to do some Stephen Miller karaoke. No, not that Steve Miller, this one.

He shot his fool mouth off about "America first," (seriously, has nobody told him where that one came from yet?) and how he was gonna skullfuck North Korea if they don't tell him he has large, manly fingers and golfs really well. The speech was pretty much a hyperactive 3rd-grader imitating a Stone Cold Steve Austin promo, heaven help us all.

Smallhands Magoo is seriously SO proud of his "Rocket Man" nickname, you guys. To be fair, it probably ranks as one of the top ten accomplishments of his presidency to date.

Because irony died several weeks ago, Melania gave a little speech of her own at the U.N., focusing on how bullying is bad. Her husband was unable to attend, as he was busy pushing the South Korean ambassador into the women's restroom.

So, the Department of Heath and Human services commissioned a study on the economic impact of refugees, and what they found was that refugees generated $63 billion dollars more in government revenue than they cost. But see, that's a problem for an administration that runs on stoking the fears of the inadequate and easily frightened. So what they did was, they ordered HHS to "amend" the report.

And by "amend," I mean "remove all references to revenue generated so as to make it look like refugees are a drain on public resources even though your study found the exact opposite and also if you can throw in some stuff about how they kick puppies and rape a whole bunch of white ladies, that'd be swell."

The Failing New York Times reports this is the work of Stephen Miller, who I guess thinks once he pushes all the non-white folks out of the country, the remaining (white) women will flock to the beacon of his shiny forehead, and one of them will finally, FINALLY touch his minuscule, tortured, dust-encrusted weenie.

Dorito Mussolini's personal attorney, Michael "Sez Who" Cohen, violated his agreement with the Senate Intelligence Committee by releasing a public statement before what was scheduled to be a closed-door hearing, and will now likely be subpoenaed to testify publicly and under oath. Smart lad.

Dana Roharabacher is reportedly 31 flavors of pissed that his attempts to broker a pardon for serial leaker Julian Assange got...leaked, because I was totally not kidding about that death of irony thing. Personally, I think Tom Clancy should collaborate with Will Ferrell to tell Dana's story; the tale of a bumbling dipshit clumsily attempting treason, while struggling to get dressed without inflicting serious self-harm.

Well, the Senate GOP swallowed a bunch of bath salts and decided to take one last stab at fucking up millions of American lives on the behalf of their paymasters, because Mamma and Daddy Koch have taken to sending them to bed without dark money.

Somehow, they've settled on their worst bill yet...Graham-Cassidy which rolls back protections, cuts massive amounts of funding, and, in a bit of evil so brazen as to be nearly hilarious, literally steals billions of dollars from blue states to give to red states.

This is seriously how Republicans govern now. They just take things from people who vote for Democrats and give them to people who vote for Republicans. Right now Ben Sasse is drafting legislation to force me to give my George Foreman grill, my shampoo, and my copy of Avengers Annual #10 (look it up) to Seb Gorka.

Anyway, Vox asked a bunch of Republican Senators to explain what their bill does and how it's better than the ACA. Their answers were...not encouraging. Most of them insisted that states have some sort of nondescript magical powers that will enable them to provide better coverage despite massive cuts in funding because...reasons. Pat Roberts babbled about Thelma & Louise, because Kansas doesn't require their Senators to demonstrate the intellectual capacity of a throw pillow before they send 'em to Washington. (For the record, Pat, ALIEN is probably the better Ridley Scott movie to represent this shit bill - a roving, soulless murderer picking us off, one by one.)

And Chuck Grassley, in an uncharacteristic spurt of honesty, just flat out said Hey, We Said We'd Repeal Obamacare, and This is What We've Got Left That Repeals Obamacare.

You guys, Chuck Grassley has been in Washington too long. When folks ask you, "Why are you voting for a bill that will hurt millions of Americans," and your response is, "Because politics," you need to pack up and go home. Go home, and spend some time figuring out exactly where, when, and how you turned into the sort of human being who would say something like that.

"Why kill thousands and hurt millions? Well, because I lied myself into a corner, and I'd rather harm a bunch of strangers than admit I was wrong."

Jesus Fuck.

Because there's no way to shine up the turd of what the bill actually does, the only selling point the GOP has left is that it repeals/replaces Obamacare.

Granted, with something much much worse, but still...no more Obamacare! Like, the next attempt'll replace the ACA with a bill that hires gangs of surly teenagers to break into retirement homes and kidney-punch the elderly, but Ron Johnson will pop up on Fux Gnus to blather about how at least it's not socialism.

Opposition to the bill in damn near universal. Doctors groups, patients groups, even insurance companies. The AMA goes so far as to say it runs afoul of the "First, do no harm" clause of the Hippocratic Goddamn Oath.

That's right. The fucking AMA says THIS BILL DOES HARM, YOU SHITBAGS, and we have to sit on the edge of our seats for a week wondering what Lisa Murkowski will do. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Basically the nobody supports this bill except 2 Koch brothers, 40-some GOP Senators, and maybe The Nothing from The Neverending Story.

And as if that wasn't bad enough for Team Pachyderm, Jimmy Kimmel rode into town on a white horse named Go Fuck Yourself Bill Cassidy and called him out for being a lying sack of Koch-sponsored monkey shit. Weird how "Please don't kill my child because he has a pre-existing condition" became partisan.

Moving on. So this shitty white dude murders a couple of black men. Police discover he has actual speeches by Adolf Hitler in his apartment. And yet in the media he's a Clean Cut All American Honor Student Eagle Scout Apple Pie Bakin' Kid who somehow ENDED THE LIVES OF TWO HUMAN BEINGS BECAUSE HE'S RACIST TRASH while Tamir Rice basically looked like the Incredible Hulk on a crack bender at 12 years old.

Anyhow, we're a totally post-racial nation, right?

Hey, didja see where Rob Reiner and David Frum are launching a bipartisan group to spread information about all the Russian election-meddling/general fuckery? It's a pretty cool team, including folks like James Clapper, Max Boot, Charlie Sykes, Norman Ornstein, and the ghosts of Toshiro Mifune and James Coburn. Rumor has it that Reiner and Boot are arguing over which one gets to be the "demolitions expert," but once that issue gets settled, I expect great things!

And look, the Republican Governor's Association launched their very own propaganda news site, isn't that neat? Who DOESN'T want their leaders to filter information for them, removing all that pesky accountability?

The Daily Beast clued us in on how Russian-operated social media sites organized Pro-Shart and Anti-Clinton rallies during the election. Gotta hand it to the Fox/Talk Radio/Breitbart crowd; they've manufactured quite the pliable little army of rubes, haven't they? Just the tiniest nudge and they start shooting up pizza restaurants. (No wonder Chucky Cheese is phasing out the animatronics.)

And the Velveeta Urinal Cake seems to be paying his (ever-mounting) lawyer's fees with...donor money! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! That's right, Rubes! Your MAGA hat $$$$ goes straight into the pockets of the idiot lawyers who babble private business in restaurants where reporters hang out. You're not so much deplorable as endlessly dupable.

By the way, you dumbfuck marks, just to rub your nose in how completely he owns you, he's even paying his shitty fuckhead kid's legal bills out of your donations. Keep sending checks, they're gonna need 'em! Is it fun to be used by a rich jag who wouldn't care if you lived or died?

Now, the Spraytan Con Man has promised he'd never apologize for America, but that was before the Turkish Prime Minister's bodyguards kicked the crap out of some protesters. Now, your average, run-of-the-mill American President would side with his own citizens over the thugs who assaulted them, but not the Candycorn Skidmark! No, he apologized to Erdogan for all the inconvenience. America First...ish!

Word is Bob Mueller's probe is investigating 11 years worth of Paul Manafort's financial skullduggery, (Doesn't "Eleven Years of Manafort" sound like an unusually-slow-moving Merchant/Ivory film?) so I imaging Paulie's Adult Depends budget is...substantial.

In a bit of fun trolling, Mueller's point guy for communications with the Shart House actually worked on Watergate! I dunno much about the guy, but when the time comes, I'm sure as shit buying his book.

HHS Secretary Tom Price is such a dedicated fiscal conservative that he's taking up to five private jet flights PER WEEK! Mingling with the commoners is soooooo depressing, right, T? Why fly coach when you can burn through taxpayer dollars like so much flash paper as a Capo in the most corrupt regime in American history, amiright?

Not wanting to be outdone, EPA head Scott Pruitt, who has done plenty of his own shady traveling, has fallen into the habit of conscripting environmental crimes investigators from across the country to serve as his personal security detail.

Can you fucking imagine? It's like Jeff Sessions pulling U.S. Attorneys off their cases to protect him (and his stash of delicious sandwich cookies) while he slept.

I swear, it's a competition between these crooked fucks to see who can waste the most taxpayers dollars without facing consequences. Within three weeks, Betsy DeVos will be borne from meeting to meeting in a gilded carriage drawn by twelve white tigers.

Anyway, you'll be please to know your President's attention is laser-focused on the issues that matter most: EMMY RATINGS! Yep. SHARTUS might not have time to learn what his party's health care legislation does, but gloating about an awards show's viewership? Don the Con is on it like flies on shit.

And while the Spicest of all Possible Seans can get a cuddly little redemption party at the Emmys (Hey Emmys: Fuck you for that.), what he CAN'T get is a JOB. Yeah, all the networks declined to hire the guy who's best known for awkward, blatant lying as a pundit. He's like Jeffrey Lord with less credibility and less interesting hair.

The American tourism industry got a 2.7 billion dollar "Trump Bump" in the wrong direction, isn't that neat? Who'da thunk that steadfastly shitting on the rest of the world would have actual consequences? (Literally everyone raises their hand.)

Speaking of international relations, the Marmalade Shartcannon gave some remarks to African leaders at the U.N. today, about how happy they should be about all his shitty carpetbagging buddies steamrolling into town to take advantage of them! He also talked about the nation of "Nambia," which of course does not exist, because we are governed by a man who can't be bothered by such petty details as Which Countries Are Real and Which Are Just in Comic Books.

In other news, Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag announced a free trade agreement with Latveria.

'Member the Google Memo guy? The "Somebody's gotta say it - Broads Can't Code" guy? Well, in his bid to be named the Patron Saint of Hot Takes, he babbled some nonsense about how maybe the Klan is bad, but ya gotta admit that being called a Grand Wizard is totes rad, and if you don't, it's your fault that white supremacists are killing people. Or something. This is the kind of dude who smokes a bunch of cheap weed and plays Matchbox 20 records backwards.

NYT tells us that Rugged Robert Mueller is now gathering all sort of docs related to Il Douche's actions as President, from his firing of Comey to his pudding-headed attempt to cover up Junior's Golly-I-Just-Can't-Wait-to-Collaborate meeting. Shower Cap was unavailable for comment, because he was busy giggling like a hyena on a sugar high.

And just as I'm being crushed beneath the weight of an unusually heapin' helpin' of madness, even by Drumpf-era standards (and that, my friends, is a fuckton of madness), WaPo drops their latest Manafort bomb.

Seems Paulie Ukraine, while serving as Chairman of Shartboy's campaign, sent out a little email offering private briefings on the state of the campaign to a Russian oligarch closely allied with Uncle Vlad.

Fuck, y'all. I don't know much, but I bet you George Pataki's campaign manager wasn't offering Putin Pals private campaign briefings.

This is TWO DAYS WORTH of news, folks. About 45 hours, really. Nuttier than the whole damn Chester Arthur administration, I bet. (You watch, I'll get Arthur historians in the comments now.)

I need a drink. Luckily, I have a drink. Guess what happens now.

Let Us Now Contemplate the Noble Herpes Oyster

Hey everybody! Here's tonight's post. As always, check it out on my site:


Hey folks. Is shit still cray? I mean, the roof of my place might be sagging under the weight of all the bat guano, but it hasn't caved in...yet.

Sunday was pretty quiet. I mean, the President of the United States sent out a tweet that advocated violence against women, as well as violence against his political opponent (he's a multi-tasker, that Marmalade Shartcannon!), but does that even count as newsworthy anymore?


The Failing New York Times told us that a couple of Sharty McFly's lawyers went out for lunch at a steakhouse frequented by reporters (and actually down the street from NYT's office) and screamed their heads off about a bunch of shit they shouldn't have been talking about IN A RESTAURANT WHERE REPORTERS HANG OUT, because The Best People. Anyway, the lawyers are fighting, and the lawyers all have lawyers of their own, and everybody's paranoid as fuck. They're worried they're being spied on by rivals, that folks might be wearing wires for Mueller...shit, maybe these fucks'll end up Reservoir Dogsing each other, and we won't even have to impeach 'em.

Oh, we're sending 3,000 more troops to Afghanistan. I'll bet that takes care of everything. After 16 years, all the blood and treasure needlessly pissed away, 3,000 more troops clears the whole boondoggle up, probably. Whew!

While we spend most of our time focusing on the rot at the federal level here, let's not lose sight of the grassroots dirtbags working to Make America Shitty. Didja hear about the weaselly, dickless kid who tried to get an undocumented classmate kicked out of the country? Well, turns out he's been booted from his college instead, because justice isn't completely dead yet. And hey, Taylor Ragg...have fun with the rest of your life, where your reprehensible fuckery will always be a short google search away!

Well, you're probably hearing a lot about "Graham-Cassidy" these days. Regrettably I must inform you that this is NOT the name of a folk rock band, and even if it were, they'd have songs like "Our House (Is a Very Very Very Fine House But We Lost It in a Medical Bankruptcy When Mom Got Sick)" and "Teach Your Children Well Unless They Have Preexisting Conditions in Which Case It's Probably Best Not to Get Too Attached."

No, it's the title of the latest GOP attempt to sneak their Mass Murder of the American Poor Bill through in the dead of night. Anyway, we gotta get on the phones and sink this shit one more time, Resisters. We must not allow Graham-Cassidy to become Graham, Cassidy, Murkowski & McCain, some sort of life-support-machine-unplugging supergroup.

There won't be time for a full CBO score before the reconciliation clock runs out at the end of the month, and there's literally only 90 seconds of debate time left. But the Republican Party is just so dang DEDICATED to shortening the lives of the Taker Classes. "You had me at 'Dead Kids'" said Ron Johnson, tearfully gazing into Lindsey Graham's eyes.

Guess what, kids? Now YOU can finance your very own traitor! Yes, General Mike Flynn, America's favorite undisclosed foreign agent, has started up a crowd funded legal defense site! Maybe he can get Sally Struthers to cut a weepy commercial for him..."Do you want to make more money selling access to a know-nothing President? Sure, we all do!"

It's been awhile since we've heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. Bill! Have you got anything for us tonight?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh holy fuck do I ever.

That's never good news. Fine. Stomp on the tattered remains of our souls, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, you know about the protests in St. Louis, of course. Another acquittal for another law enforcement officer who killed a black man and seems to have planted evidence on him after the fact.

Oh, you're gonna talk about that old woman the police knocked down at the protest, right?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, that was really fucking awful, wasn't it? What if I told you that wasn't the worst thing St. Louis law enforcement did, Cap?

...shit, Bill. I don't know if -

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No no, let us stare into the Abyss together. Turns out, while some police were arresting some protesters, they decided to co-opt a protester chant. "Whose streets? OUR STREETS!" Got that? The world doesn't belong to the people, but to the cops in riot gear. SLEEP TIGHT!

Jesus Fuck, Bill. That's some dark shit.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Sure is, Cap. Makes your blood run cold.

Ok, well, before my soul shrivels completely away and runs screaming into the night, I need something to laugh at, STAT. Fortunately I have the worst political ad in history to pep me up. Thanks, Dan Helmer, for the desperately-needed laugh.

President Obama's tenure in office was marked by steady job growth. That's slowing down a bit, but don't worry, America! What we lose in employment we're more than making up for...in hate crimes! Yessir, the hate crime index is getting a real "Trump Bump," with a 5% increase nationwide from 2015 to 2016, and many cities seeing even steeper "gains," led by Washington D.C.'s 62% increase. And we're off to a red-hot start in 2017, thanks to the wildly successful Make America Hate Again campaign.

Don Jong-un REALLY REALLY wants to preside over a procession of tanks down Pennsylvania Avenue, even though that'd most likely make the Lincoln Memorial stand up, walk over to the White House and stomp on his (inadequate) crotch. I wonder if Sheriff Dave'll let Donnie borrow his uniform so he can really cosplay the shit out of the third world dictator he wishes he were.

Too-Ridiculously-Hateful-to-be-a-Credible-Fictional-Character-Yet-Somehow-Alabama-Senate-Frontrunner Roy Moore lamented the conflicts between the "reds and yellows," proving that it's still possible to be shockingly racist even in the context of our ever-plummeting Drumpf-era standards.

Seriously. "Reds and yellows?" Holy fuck. Who's Bannon gonna recruit to primary Roger Wicker in Mississippi, the burning ghost of Nathan Bedford Forrest?

Hey, if you're having a shit day, at least be thankful that you're not Paul Manafort.

CNN tells us Paulie Ukraine was subject to FISA-court-approved wiretapping both before and after the election, and that Orange Julius Caesar stayed in contact with Manafort until his lawyers finally got through to him on what a dumbfuck thing to do that was.

And NYT told us that Rugged Robert Mueller threatened the former Shart Campaign Chair with indictment after raiding his home a few weeks back, cuz Mueller's into all that Untouchables shit.

(The Washington Post was totally jealous not to have their own Manafort scoop to break, so my sources tell me they're working on a story about how he sometimes steals his neighbor's Amazon packages if they look like they might be something cool like a socket wrench set or a Big Wheel.)

Anyway, Our Madame Hilldawg was shootin' the shit with Terry Gross, and kept the door open to raising some sort of unspecified hell about the election once the indictments start flying, because she is a goddamn warrior with nary a fuck left to give.

And now lil' Shart, Jr is canceling his Secret Service protection, because it sure is annoying having law enforcement around all the time when you've got laws to break and collusion to cover up, AMIRITE? (That Secret Service officers can be compelled to testify under oath has nothing to do with this decision, I'm sure.)

Anyway, there's ANOTHER Cat 5 hurricane raging through the Caribbean, and I'm sure it's about to dump a shit ton of herpes oysters on all of us. It'll be just like MAGNOLIA. Only instead of frogs, it'll be oysters.

Oysters with herpes.

Saturday Night Fever Dream

Hey there Resisters, I had a little time tonight, and I thought I'd check in on the madness before the orderlies sedate me.

Check out the full blog at:


Princess Ivanka wants everyone to know that just cuz she's a high-level Presidential advisor doesn't mean it's reasonable for people to expect her to influence the President.

...Yeah, that's about par for the course in this George Miller wasteland we call...2017.

The Shart House communications staff can't stay on message when it comes to why the President fired Comey, but they sure are consistent in wanting to see a successful black woman punished for criticizing the Grand Wizard President, aren't they? Seriously, the executive branch is working harder to get Jemele Hill fired than they ever did to pass a health care bill.

Also, Secretary Mnuchin wants the filthy media to know that he only wanted the American taxpayer to fund his honeymoon because he needed a $25,000/hour jet for national security reasons! Everything Mnuchbag does is done only with national security in mind! That includes his trip to Fort Knox to watch the eclipse! And also the French maid outfit and ballgag Louise makes him wear around the house! IT'S FOR NATIONAL SECURITY!

Senate Majority Leader McConnell wants to do away with the blue slip process now that he's in the majority, because obstruction is just for Republicans, don'tcha know. Careful, Turtle Boy, in 2021, when President Clooney appoints Sarah Silverman to the DC Circuit, you'll miss those slips...

Hey, look-a here! Mike Flynn had YET ANOTHER undisclosed secret meeting with high-falutin' fancypants types while being paid as an agent for foreign interests! Jar-Jar and Steve Bannon were there, too!

These secret meetings keep poppin' up like dandelions, don't they? Six months from now, we'll uncover some rendezvous with the ack-ack-ack aliens from Mars Attacks!, where they offered to trade space weapons in exchange for the use of Stephen Miller as a sex slave (large, smooth foreheads are very sensual in Martian culture).

WaPo got ahold of a receipt showing that the Warped Pla-Doh Manatee charged the government more than a grand for an official's two-night stay at Marm-a-Lago, back in March. He might not be much for legislatin', but Donnie Two-Scoops is meticulously grifting every last dime he can squeeze out of the U.S. Treasury.

Maybe next quarter when Drumpfy "donates his salary," he'll do it in the form of hotel vouchers for government employees? Maybe even port-a-potty tokens for the Secret Service?

Now-former-Sheriff Dave Clarke's masters degree is being retained in solitary confinement without water, because Sheriff Dave is a lying plagiarist who took a bunch of other people's work and said "This is A Sheriff Dave Jam," which was a fat fucking lie. Can you get a Presidential pardon from grad school? Asking for a murderous fuckwad.

Rugged Robert Mueller subpoenaed a bunch of records from Facebook about how Uncle Vlad's Bot Army targeted the Kid Who Sat Next to You in High School and Ate His Boogers with Pizzagate conspiracy stories and whatnot. And will the trail eventually lead back to Jared Kushner's ball pit? Time will tell...

Kris Kobach kontinues kourting komeuppance by konducting his Kulling Kommission's kontacts using private, rather than government, e-mail accounts, in defiance of records-keeping laws. Kobach insists he'll continue doing so, because what's gonna happen? Is Jeff Sessions going to prosecute him for cutting corners in pursuit of their shared goal of Making the Electorate Lilly-White Again?

Speaking of the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Ol' Beauregard got smacked with a rolled-up newspaper in the courts again this week, in his attempts to punish Sanctuary Cities for refusing to turn their police forces into his personal immigrant-roundup Gestapo, in his ongoing quest to bleach the voting populace.

You'll no doubt be pleased to learn the Sessions' DoJ, which has recently stood up for the rights of LGBT Americans to be told "Fuck No You Can't Buy a Cake Here," and for the right Jeff Sessions to not be laughed at by no uppity broads, is now sticking up for the Grifter in Chief's right to meet with/profit from folks at properties he owns without telling the American people just who's bribing him. Surely, this is exactly the America Crispus Attucks envisioned with his dying breaths.

Did I miss the California state legislature declaring this Official Fart Directly in the President's Mouth Week? They passed a resolution calling on the U.S. Congress to censure Shartboy for his Not All Nazis Charlottesville remarks. They passed a bill establishing themselves as a Sanctuary State. And for good measure, they passed a little bill requiring anyone who wants to get their fat orange ass on the California Presidential ballot to release five years worth of tax returns.

Ouch. What next, legally mandated medium rare steaks? Perhaps a ban on extra-extra-large white golf pants?

Word on the street is, there's a hot new trend among the deplorable set: burning MAGA hats! Yes, it seems some of America's shittiest white jags are all sad n' pissy about Tangerine Idi Amin cuttin' a DACA deal with his new besties, Pelumer, and only huffing the polyester fumes from cheap, made-in-China baseball caps can ease their pain.

SHOWER CAP SAFETY TIP: Don't forget to take the cap OFF before igniting, kiddos.

Hey, Pennsylvania state rep Aaron Bernstine seems like a nice fellah, doesn't he? I mean, talking about how eager you are to adopt the very same tactic a Nazi terrorist used to kill an American citizen is just the sort of thing a nice, Christian boy should do...right? I think I'll take Aaron home to meet mom...but I'll make sure she knows not to meet us in the driveway.

Congressstooge Dana Rohrabacher (R-Stalingrad) pitched John Kelly a deal where Julian Assange would "prove" Russia never fed Wikileaks any sweet sweet Podesta e-mails, on the condition that Dorito Mussolini gets Julian out of jail for free, because he's tired of hanging out in the Ecuadorian embassy where there are no younger women to harass. Rohrabacher and Assange would then embark on a raucous road trip, accompanied by a camera crew, in hopes of pitching a reality show to Glenn Beck. It's like Spring Break meets Creepy Old Douchebags.

Rohrabacher, perhaps worried that somebody somewhere might mistake him for a sane person, also blamed the violence in Charlottesville on...Civil War reenactors? Shit, you can say absolutely ANYTHING in the GOP these days, can't you? I'm moving back to Kansas to run for governor on a platform of fighting the Flying Monkey infestation. Are you against that, Libtards? What are you, PRO-FLYING MONKEY? THEY KIDNAP CHILDREN FROM OUR MAJESTIC WHEAT FIELDS!!!!

A terrorist attack injured 29 in London on Friday. The American President, classy as ever, saw this as a golden opportunity for some fearmongering, pimping his shitty, racist travel ban. Especially weird, since Syrian refugees still haven't killed anyone, while white supremacists are driving into crowd with homicidal intent.

For a little bit of extra fun, President Rube misinterpreted something he saw on Fux n' Frenz (and let's pause to quiver in horror at that phrase, and our understanding of its potentially apocalyptic consequences) and tweeted out a condemnation of British law enforcement for basically allowing an act of terrorism to take place, with absolutely nothing resembling evidence to support his inflammatory claim.

I tell you what, our next president could be a half-eaten Mars bar, and it'd still be greeted with worldwide parades upon taking office. Even if it was a dark chocolate Mars bar.

AP reports that leftover funds from the Marmalade Shartcannon's pathetically-attended inauguration ceremony have not, as promised, been donated to charity, but have instead gone to redecorating Mike Pence's residence, presumably focusing heavily on his burgeoning Abusive Nursing Home Employee Pornography Library.

Shart supporters have rally envy, y'know. They see us turning out thousands, sometimes millions, and every now and then they make a pathetic attempt to match us. And they tend to fail, rather spectacularly. Today was no exception, has the "Mother of All Rallies" turned out a cartoonish handful of the Surly and Easily-Duped. And of course the Object of Their Affection wasn't even in town to greet them, for it is the weekend, and he's got golf, you gullible plebs.

Anyway, the Juggalos were more entertaining. And numerous.

Awwww...a Washington Examiner story alerts us to the plight of poor Shart campaign staffers being bankrupted by legal bills. Hey fuckheads, nobody ever said that collaborating with a foreign power to take a sloppy shit all over your country would be cheap. (Some of them blame Kellyanne Conway, and that, at least, I'm onboard with.)

As per usual, shit be cray. The sign language interpreter for this blog post is probably giving you a Captain Beefheart record, backwards and in Esperanto.

Well, enjoy your weekend, and be ready to get back on the phones come Monday, cuz Zombie Trumpcare IV, The Shartening looks to be rearing its ugly head...

Ted Cruz is Not Wanking to This Blog Post...OR IS HE?!?

Hello friends! Here's tonight's post! Check it out at my new blog site here:


Wouldja believe I got my Monday night blog up like, six minutes before the Ted Cruz porn story broke? Luckily, America's still laughing at America's Most Punchable Senator, ironically pounding on himself.

Anyway, I'm wrapped up snugly in my pumpkin spice straightjacket, enjoying the shrieks of madness floating into my cell on the brisk autumn breeze. I could really go for a fucking scone, y'know?

Autocratic Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak, so nakedly criminal that DoJ is seizing his assets, checked into Trump's D.C. hotel, presumably because these fucks are just trying to see what they can get away with now. Personally pocketing money stolen by a corrupt dictator from his people? "You ain't seen nothin' yet," boasted Eric Drumpf, "We're about to embark on a project where we work our way through all the Bond villain plots one by one, starting with Casino Royale!"

The Daily Beast tells us that Russian agents took their grand weaponization of the American Rube Army so far as to organize anti-immigrant protests on Facebook. Isn't it great, knowing our angriest idiots can be stoked into a nationalist fury from an ill-lit Moscow basement for six rubles an hour?

And it turns out Hans von Spakovsky, from Kris Kobach's Kooky Kulling Kommission, wrote himself a little letter saying how it would be a mistake to staff the panel with anything other than the most unhinged dudes from Klan militias, because Democrats believe that you should be allowed to vote EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT WHITE, THOSE CUUUUUUUUUCKS! Anyway, this guy's asking for access to all your personal, private, voting data, sleep tight.

Hey, I guess the political leadership of the CDC sent out a memo telling its employees not to speak to media. Nifty! Why should the public have access to the Center for Freaking Disease Control?!? SHUT UP I'M NOT DEVELOPING AN EBOLA VIRUS, YOU'RE DEVELOPING AN EBOLA VIRUS.

The news ain't all bad, though. We had some special elections last night, and we bumped off some Republicans, in some districts that voted for a certain Misshaped Traffic Cone as recently as last November. We're buildin' up that long-depleted bench, aren't we? Damn, Bench. Lookin' good, Bench. You've filled out since I saw you last, haven't you? (Gives Democratic Bench "the eye."

And hey, turns out we're all gonna get together and light up a fat one with...Orrin Hatch? Who knew? "Utah is America's leading exporter of things that you could totally turn into a bong," Hatch told reporters this afternoon, before retreating to his Capitol Hill office to listen to some early Cypress Hill.

The President With the Hugest Golf Pants sat down with Senator Tim Scott to discuss how maybe talking about how Charmin-soft-and-huggable Nazi terrorists are might not be the best thing for the country. The White House not only got Scott's name wrong in their press release about the meeting, but they called him, of all things...Tom. Oy.

Would you be surprised to learn that Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet couldn't be bothered to call our neighbor and ally, Mexico, to say "Hey bro, sorry to hear about that enormous earthquake you just had?" It shouldn't, because that would have required empathy.

It seems Mike Flynn broke even more laws that we already knew about, failing to disclose a trip abroad to broker a deal between Russia and Saudi Arabia. Ere ye pass judgment, I ask of ye, who among ye hasn't forgotten the odd excursion into international arms sales (did I mention the transaction involved arms sales? Cuz it totally did.)?

And when they say "the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree," they clearly meant the Flynns, since Wee Mikey Junior is now being investigated by Team Mueller, just like his Pop! Maybe the apple will even roll into a cell right next to the tree, who knows?

Now while one National Security advisor abused his post to manipulate his Idiot Manchild boss on behalf of foreign paymasters, let's look at an NSA executing her duties correctly.

After months of frothy screeching from the right about her dastardly Unmasking crimez, Susan Rice told the House Intelligence Committee just why she was so intent on spoiling the masquerade ball.

Turns out the crown prince of the UAE snuck into the U.S. to meet with some of the shadier members of the transition team without informing the U.S. government, a big naughty no-no (Not THAT kind, Senator Cruz. Calm down.)

And yes, that's the same UAE that facilitated the backchannel, poor-man's-Clancy-novel Seychelles meeting between Erik Prince and some random Putin stooge. You remember, the one Team Shart lied about until they got caught? Just another in the ongoing series of zany-ass coincidences and totally understandable memory lapses, right?

Getting back to Mueller, he's said to have a "red-hot focus on social media," which means he's liking a bunch of my vacation photos on Instagram, right?

Hmmmm...kind of a slow news day. I mean, the Shart House Press Secretary called for a private company to fire an American citizen for criticizing the President. That happens all the time in America, right? Why, Taft cleared out half of Wells Fargo just on account of fat jokes.

Sanders also wants Justice to think about prosecuting Jolly Jim Comey for...well, presumably for setting off a chain of events that will land multiple members of the administration in prison. Anyway, Jeff Sessions'll be too busy pursuing charges against women who laugh at him, cuz there're fucking MILLIONS of those, more every single day.

Oh, and I see Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag tried to stick us chump taxpayers with the bill for his honeymoon air travel! Fuckwad wanted an Air Force jet that runs 25,000 bucks...PER HOUR.

Between this, the security detail Betsy DeVos demands to keep the porridge-starved rabble away from her, and Sharty McFly himself bankrupting the Secret Service so he can golf every week, truly, this is a government of the common man. Sometimes...there's so much populism in the administration...I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.

I see Jiggly HateMound Seb Gorka is trying to land a contract with Fox News, and also to begin some sort of murky "national security initiative" with his ol' fascist drinking buddy, Steve Bannon. Sources tell me these discussions are mainly arguments centered on whether it would be cooler to transfer Hitler's brain into a robot body (Gorka's favored position) or that of a gorilla, possibly one with super-strength (that one's Bannon).

Checking in on other corners of the right wing shitbagosphere, today we learned that Martin Shkreli is headed to jail, and that James Woods is a gross, slobbering pervert, chasing underage women. And I dunno...Pat Robertson probably ate a kitten on tv, I can't keep up with all this shit.

Oh, never forget...not all Shitbags are famous! Take, for example, the Motel 6 in Phoenix, which has been stooging undocumented immigrants out to ICE. Norman Bates is like, "Dude, you're besmirching the honor of cheap motels everywhere."

Seriously, can you imagine? "I run a motel, but what I REALLY want to do is fuck up strangers' lives."

Shit folks, I see there's a brand new Trump in the world, and a brand new Duggar besides. Jesus. Get to fuckin', Resisters! We need to build the next generation before it's too late!

No more news tonight. GET TO FUCKING.

Hang on...I'm sitting here working on this piece, and the news breaks that...Shartboy agreed to essentially pass the DREAM act in exchange for a border security package that doesn't include the Big Stupid Wall?

What the fuck? Is he just going to do whatever Schumer and Pelosi (Schumlosi?) want him to do now? SHS is saying the wall isn't off the table, but who the fuck knows what's going on? One way or another, Chuck and Nancy really boxed the Shart of the Deal in here, so I cannot WAIT to see how the GOP reacts to this tomorrow...

UPDATE: I am told that Ann Coulter combusted.

This Blog Post is God's Punishment For, Oh Let's Say the New Charlie Sheen Movie

Hey everybody! New post! Check it out on my Brand New Site here:


I tell ya, people...things are crazy in my country these days. Crazier than Peggy Noonan's version of the Civil War and Reconstruction, and THAT, my friends, is mighty goddamn nutty.

Well, you knew Hurricane Irma was for real when Swollen RageTick Rush Limbaugh decided it wasn't such a liberal hoax that he was willing to stick around, and ordered a team of interns to roll him north to safety.

Religious nutbags, as they always do, giddily proclaimed the storm to be God's punishment for not reading enough Left Behind novels or something. One particularly jaggy "pastor" told us the big G would disperse the hurricane if the Supreme Court overturned marriage equality, so if your basement flooded, I guess you're allowed to kidney-punch Ruth Bader Ginsberg now.

I've always envied this particular delusion, that god...like GOD, Lord of All Things, hurts vast numbers of basically decent, innocent people just for disagreeing with YOU personally. If you're that maliciously crazy and self-centered, how satisfying the world must be. Like, "thousands of homes were destroyed in a tragic mudslide because God's as mad as I am that The Big Bang Theory is still on," or maybe "Cindy in accounting won't go out with me, I bet God murders at least five people for that."


The Shart Administration delivered the leadership we've come to expect in this time of crisis. White House Social Media Director Dan Scavino spread around a video inaccurately claiming to depict conditions at Miami International Airport, because confirming a fact before reporting it is, as you'll recall, for cucks.

It's enough to make you think that maybe making your fucking golf caddie into one of the world's most important communications officials was an unwise choice.

And Scott Pruitt inferred it would be simply UNCOUTH to talk about climate change in the wake of the totally-commonplace-back-to-back monster hurricanes. "Out of respect for the victims, and of course, all the future victims I'm creating by ripping the Environmental Protection Agency apart with my bare hands, we must refuse to politicize this problem, especially as it has a clear political solution which I happen to oppose," Pruitt huffed, before pouring coal sludge into the EPA office coffee maker.

In times of tragedy, Americans look to their President for hope and inspiration, and the Ol' Shartcannon didn't disappoint! No, as hundreds of families lost all they had, as dozens lost their very lives, Donald J Trump (The "J" stands for "Sociopath." reminded us of just how fantastic all this suffering was for the Coast Guard's "brand." (Cut to: A single tear rolling in slow motion along a bald eagle's beak. Where the tear strikes the ground, a mighty oak springs forth, unfurling American flags from every branch.)

Let's check in with Bill over at the Abject Horror Desk. Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, Cap, Politico reports the Shart Administration is considering proposing new, smaller "mini-nuke" nuclear weapons, for when you feel like unleashing just a lite fiery holocaust. Kinda of like the salad-with-low-cal-ranch-dressing of genocidal warfare. Maybe just enough to take out CNN headquarters, or Salma Hayek's house, if she keeps refusing the President's amorous advances.

Well, that sounds absolutely fucking horrifying, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: It certainly is, Cap. I was actually in the middle of a day-long primal scream just now when you called.

We'll let you get back to that, Bill. (Bill's shrieks gradually fade in the chilly autumn wind)

And boy howdy is Jeff Sessions on a roll in his ongoing quest to turn 21st century America into the scariest ten minutes of PLEASANTVILLE. Not only is he re-prosecuting that one uppity broad for the high crime of laughing at him, but he's going to bat for the oppressed Douchebag Baker class, seeking to deliver them from the Demon Homosexuals Who Think They Have the Right to Buy a Fucking Cake. CAKES ARE FOR STRAIGHTS, YOU DEVIANTS!

Oh, and Ol' Beauregard, who repeatedly lied under oath about his campaign contacts with Russians, wants to administer lie detector tests to NSC staff, which is not at all the sort of thing that a police state would do, except for the parts that are totally like what a police state would do, which in this particular case is...all of the parts.

Sessions has a kindred spirit in Rich White Shithead Bible Study Buddy/CIA Director Mike Pompeo, who doesn't want no stinkin' diversity in his intelligence agency! And if Mikey's bullheaded insistence on a white-christian-dude-heavy workforce weakens our security and makes the nation less safe, well, at least he's not responsible for any hurricanes.

We learned that Donnie "No Deals in Russia" sent a letter of intent to pursue Drumpf Dower in Moscow while running for President. Oh, and his company signed a big fat contract with a Chinese government firm for work on a golf course in Dubai, which is surely the most populist thing of all time. It's ok though. It's just the President of the United States, personally profiting from a business arrangement with a foreign power.

Wasn't China supposed to be some malignant evil empire, crushing the American worker beneath its hideous boot, by the way? Wasn't Shartboy's whole campaign about standing up to China? So, he's breaking the law, breaking his word, lining his pockets, all while doing jack shit for the American people...I'd say it's just about time for CNN to track down a laid-off auto worker who thinks this is all great cuz it pisses the libtards off.

Meanwhile, Bodacious Bob Mueller closes in on the Velveeta Urinal Cake's inner circle. All the shitweasels are lawyering up, and word is the legal expenses threaten to bankrupt more than a few of them.

Wouldn't that just be too damn bad, if some of the fuckheads ruining our country found themselves ignominiously bumped down into the classes the GOP spends so much time and energy victimizing? The image of Reince Priebus getting berated by some spittle-drenched Fox Drone for paying with food stamps doesn't displease me.

Pennsylvania's Charlie Dent became the latest House Republican to announce that he'll retire rather than face the righteous fury of the two-years-we've-been-waiting-for-the-chance-to-taint-punt-you-fuckers 2018 electorate. Paul Ryan insists this wave of retirements is nothing like rats deserting a sinking ship, but more like a...a bunch of voles...escaping a raft...with a hole in it.

And hey, Vicente Fox is running for President! It's an outsider candidacy, but I bet he does better than Evan McMullin...it'll all come down to how well Air Bud jokes play in the Rust Belt.

So, last week, Donnie Two Scoops decided to punish Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, giving Democratic leadership everything they wanted in a Harvey aid bill that extended the debt ceiling and government funding for about the length of time it takes to broadcast a season of Game of Thrones.

So naturally, the New York Times (and other mainstream media outlets) eagerly proclaimed him some sort of magical, untethered, deal-making Independent Presidential enigma, the likes of which we have never seen, isn't it fantastic, interesting, and normal?

Guys. He was swinging his dick around to put Mitch and Paulie in their place. That's all. He's still the travel ban guy, the ACA repeal guy, the fuck DACA guy, the Yemen raid guy, the guy who appointed the Breitbart Dream Team as his Cabinet, the guy who wants to roll back regulations and build a big stupid wall and cut rich folks' taxes.

Just because he's too fucking dense to understand the issues doesn't mean he's a political phenom deftly upending the two party system...he's just an idiot bumbling around in the dark, shooting off Roman Candles because he's too stupid to remember where the light switch is.

Steve Bannon slithered onto 60 Minutes for a little interview. Despite wearing fourteen shirts, one on top of the other, to mask his odor, his trademark gin-vomit stench was broadcast into millions of American homes in stunning HD smellovision. Belching up an inky substance which dissolved several microphones over the course of the encounter, Darth Wino mostly blathered about how smart and great and right he is about all things, which explains why he was fired after seven months of heavily-publicized failure.

Meanwhile, Steve-O's merrily mobilizing all that Magic Mercer Money to mount primary challenges to all those Republican senators who've been insufficiently loyal to the Candycorn Skidmark.

Candidate recruiting has gone swimmingly; Bannon will back Mississippi Burning extra Roy Moore against Luther Strange in Alabama, and supports the Golgothan to challenge Jeff Flake in Arizona, and the Guy Who Got Dipped in Toxic Waste and Then Hit by a Var in Robocop to run against Roger Wicker in Mississippi.

KKKris KKKobach spun an easily-and-quickly disproven lie about voter fraud in New Hampshire, but the debunking doesn't bother him; he understands his audience is the brainwashed moron army so well-conditioned to hate the left that they readily accept the idea that our Presidential candidate runs her own personal child sex slavery ring. And now his Kooky Kulling Kommission is looking into imposing background checks before allowing people to vote...and that'll be KKKris' job, of course...sitting in some gothic tower, sipping port, personally selecting the entire electorate.

...and Russian politicians continue boasting about the wedgie they gave American democracy.

The clowns at Fux and Friendz marked the 9/11 anniversary with all the solemnity and class you'd expect of them; wondering when roving gangs of liberal Antifas would tear down all the 9/11 memorials and replace them with statues of Hillary Clinton murdering Seth Rich on Christopher Stevens' grave, or giant animatronic Matt Damons that talk all day about how much better than you they are.

At least SCROTUS didn't brag about his building's surprise bump in the tallness standings, or whinge about "haters and losers,"...this year.

Didja see where Axios reported that Shart Garfunkel finally realized that "people really fucking hate me?"

Wow. What a Eureka moment. That's like Stephen Miller noticing his hairline's receding, or Dane Cook realizing that he's not funny.

And yeah, Shart-Shart...we DO really fucking hate you. You're taking heat from everybody from Miss Texas to the ever-lovin' Pope. You deserve all of it and more.

Meanwhile Alex Jones and Roger Stone had a casual chat about how John Kelly is probably drugging the President and dressing him up like a schoolgirl and videotaping him singing "Baby One More Time" so that all the other generals laugh at him and also for kompromat.

And a late-breaking WSJ story sez some of Fat Q*Bert's lawyers tried to push poor young Jared Kushner out of the White House 'cuz of all his Russian bizness and the lying about it and what have you. Day'll come when you regret not taking that advice, Donnie.

Just another typical Monday. Y'know, maybe the Democrat's midterm message should just be a Return to Boring. Screw "A Better Deal," just promise me a scenario where I don't have to check the news every six minutes to make sure the planet isn't on fire. Gimmie Nancy Pelosi in an ad promising "Shit, sometimes you'll go a whole week without picking up the newspaper. Get back to thinking about your fantasy football team and which celebrities are fucking. Doesn't that sound NICE?"

Yes it does, Nancy...yes it does.

I Bet Paul Ryan's Sick of Frankenstein References By Now

Hey everyone! New piece here, check it out on the blog site for links!


This entry specifically at:


Well, I haven't had time to check in with the usual roundup, been so busy getting the site launched...is shit still cray?

Hmmm...wildfires raging all across the west, right on L.A.'s doorstep...the second major hurricane in a month tearing through the Caribbean on its way to Florida...the youngest member of the Manson Clan granted parole...

Yup. Shit remains thoroughly cray.

Big week for the Department of Justice! They confirmed that no, Barack Obama did not install tiny surveillance devices in the appliances in Drump Dower during election season, whatever Kellyanne Conway thinks. And if that investigation wasn't enough to top your list of Super Rad Uses For Taxpayer Money, looks like they're going to retry the woman who laughed at Jeff Sessions during his confirmation hearing!

I don't know about y'all, but a mediocre old white dude bringing the awesome power of the state down on a woman who laughed at him just gives me a red, white, and blue boner! I'm sure the inalienable right Not to be Laughed at by Uppity Broads only got cut from the Declaration of Independence cuz they ran out of room, Beau.

Tangerine Idi Amin went back to Houston last weekend, because the fucker actually needed two tries to show a little empathy and meet actual victims. So he did a little photo op, told everyone to enjoy the shuffleboard and nacho dip, shit on the media just for kicks, and went back to golfing.

I guess tensions are beginning to bubble between Orange Julius Caesar and his Shiny New Chief of Staff, who has radical ideas like "Hey, all that shit that led to months of self-inflicted crisis and buffoonish failure? Maybe less of that?" Seems Donnie Two-Scoops misses his Breitbart and his Daily Caller, and people call Kelly "The Church Lady" behind his back, because he wants to run the White House like the White House, and not like a Day Care Center That's Really a Front for a Meth Lab.

There was even a little story about Kelly feuding with Omarosa. What a world we live in, where a 4 star General and a reality television doofus are vying for the attention of the world's most powerful Lump of Poo.

Speaking of Kelly, he allegedly locked Sheriff David Clarke's dreams of working in the White House up in a cell without water until they died from thirst. Poor Sheriff Dave. After the Arpaio pardon, he probably thought he was getting his own concentration camp, ICE detention center to run.

Ooooo...and I see Rugged Robert Mueller got ahold of Don the Con's original, presumably-written-in-crayon Why I Fired Jim Comey letter. Word is, the Shart House Counsel gave this draft a grade of "Are you fucking insane, do you WANT to go jail?" so I can only imagine he wrote something along the lines of "You seek justice, Jim, and I would prefer to obstruct it. You're fired."

Scandal in KKKris Kobach's Kooky Kulling Komission, as members were caught doing their sensitive guvmint bizness over personal email, leaving data open to hacking and violating the Presidential Records Act! Luckily, all those voices that spent years assaulting HRC over her private email server immediately condemned Kobach, and demanded accountability!

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA. If you believed that last sentence for even a fleeting moment, please contact me, I have some real estate opportunities I'd like to share with you.

The Marmalade Shartcannon declared a day of prayer, and then, godly fella that he is, he announced he was repealing DACA protections, because his is a God only for the White and Shitty.

I should clarify. He sent his Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, out to announce the repeal, because he's not man enough to do his own dirty work. Sessions, of course, was more than willing. As the shit-eating grin he wore at the announcement showed, maintaining the supremacy of the White and Below-Average is his life's work.

Some speculated Drumpf didn't fully understand the ramifications of his decision, others thought he would hold DREAMers hostage, perhaps in a large cage over a lava pit, in exchange for funding for his Big Stupid Wall.

Mostly, he just seems to dislike being called "mean" just because of all the wanton cruelty and whatnot. Dumb shit seems to believe he'll get credit for signing a bill rescuing these kids from his own repulsive decision. Who's he gaslighting harder, us or himself?

A bunch of the cast-off goons from Team Shart got new gigs this week, congratulations! Spicey Sean joins the speaking circuit, because I guess people like to sit in chairs and hear lectures on Lying and Hiding in Bushes. (If, for whatever reason, you feel the need to enjoy even more mean spirited laughter at Sean's expense...here ya go.)

Corey Lewandowski's apparently going to be a visiting fellow at Harvard in the fall, filling the void left by the venerable Max Burgenstadt, the professor who taught "Beating Up Female Reporters" for lo these past six-and-twenty years, before his tragic death in a biscuits-and-gravy eating competition.

Meanwhile, Reince Priebus shaved his head, filed his teeth to points, and took a job managing a Roller Derby team under the name The Pubik Herr.

And even as some fuckheads move on, fresh new fuckheads spring up to take their place, for such is the Circle of Dookie. The nominee to lead NASA is a climate-change-denying congressdope so shitty even Marco Rubio's like "My standards are microscopic, but we can do better here." And of course the nominee to head the Civil Rights division at DoJ isn't so hot on the whole "Civil Rights" thing.

I guess some Russian politician went on teevee to say, "Y'know....we've got all this Kompromat on that fellow with the awkwardly small fingers, just lying around. Frankly, it's cluttering up the Kremlin. We should release that shit." I'm with you, Comrade!

USAToday dropped an expose on all the CEOs and lobbyists and purveyors of finger-lengthening treatments paying for access to the Grifter in Chief via his expensive private golf clubs. I certainly remember hearing a whole lot of kvetching about pay-to-play politics from Republicans last year, so I bet they get right on this.

(Seriously. AMAZING real estate opportunities. Call me.)

Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes, who we haven't heard from for awhile, (Because he was really givin' it to a whole bunch of pigs. Like, he's the Ham Hammer.) screamed a little bit about throwing around subpoenas from the investigative committee he recused himself from. Poor Devin blunders about like a non-funny Mr. Bean...by which I mean, he's basically just a giant clod.

Oh, here's some good shit. GOP Rep. Dave Reichert announced his retirement from the kinda-swingy Washington 8th! We've been waiting for the stampede of Republican retirement announcements to begin, it's a great sign of a potential midterm wave. Congressmen are kind of like livestock that way, they get fidgety before a big storm.

I guess the Not-So-Great Dictator decided to throw a little tantrum at Mitch n' Paulie, cuz he's still mad they didn't let him take away millions of folks' health care. In a meeting with congressional leaders regarding all that nutty must-pass September legislation, SCROTUS rejected multiple GOP propositions (even shushing poor Mnuchbag) before accepting Chuck n' Nancy's opening proposal, because DEALS.

To rub a little salt in the wound, he even let Princess Ivanka swing by the meeting, probably to sell Mitch some shitty high heels she had made in Bangladesh. "They're actually made...from turtle skin," she sneered, as a weeping McConnell forced his withered foot into the tacky, too-small shoe...

He then flew off to North Dakota, where he told everybody how cool his friend Heidi Heitkamp is. I'm sure Presidents talk up vulnerable senators from the opposing party before elections all the time. He was in ND to shill tax reform, pledging that the days of the US being the highest-taxed nation on earth were over! I guess it's easy to promise to change things...to the way they already are. Maybe next he'll pledge to put nougat in Snickers bars.

(Oh, and The Misshapen Traffic Cone made history in that speech, becoming the first American President to Get 31 Flavors of Creepy About His Own Daughter in North Dakota! Congrats, you creepy old man!)

The Republican Party is...displeased. Lou Dobbs waggled his jowls disapprovingly at Ryan for being a RINO. WaPo tells us Steve Bannon and Mark Meadows have begun plotting replacing Ryan as Speaker of the House, possibly with the reanimated remains of Barry Goldwater, wearing a skin suit crafted from grafts lifted from Newt Gingrich's ass.

Seriously though. There are all kinds of behind-the-scenes pieces about how pissed Republicans are right now. Read 'em, they're like porn.

It'll be extra hilarious when Chuck n' Nancy say "Thanks for shitting on you own team, bro, you're still not getting any wall money!" and give Stephen Miller an atomic wedgie.

As Florida braces for Irma, Bloated Scatmuncher Rush Limbaugh rants about how...hang on...how hurricane warnings/preparedness are...some kind of...conspiracy to push the Illuminati's climate change hoaxspiracy and...fuck, I don't know, maybe he's back on pills. Oh, and you'll be pleased to learn the airlines are price-gouging the living fuck out of people fleeing the storm.

Our President, ever the insightful analyst, calls Irma "Not good." Must've found out it was headed to a property he owns.

And Facebook sez "Oh hey, we sold a bunch of targeted ads to a Russian trollbot farm. Sorry about the never-ending global crisis that ensued in the aftermath. Our bad." (This blog post will resume as soon as I have finished weeping.)

Pity poor Gary Cohn. Like all the other pathetic remoras of this Vichy regime, Gary was forced to eat shit three meals a day, with maybe some rabbit turd trail mix for a snack, but by golly, it'd all be worth it when he got appointed Fed Chair!

Well, now Dorito Mussolini's mad at Gary because Gary didn't have his back when he talked about how deceptively cuddly Nazis are, and Gary's Fed appointment dreams seem to have floated away like ashes from a burning cross.

Did I say "pity" Gary Cohn? I meant, "Point and laugh at Gary Cohn." I'm buying him a t-shirt that says "I collaborated with amoral racist monsters, and I all got was this irremovable blight on my very soul."

I invite you to peruse this touching tale of unshakable loyalty given by one terrible person to the worst person in the world. It will bring a tear to your eye, but the tear will be made of blood, and will it will burn to the touch.

Didja see that one story about Russians dumping fat stacks of money in in the big anti-immigrant President's pocket in order to give birth in his properties, granting their kids American citizenship? WHAT WILL SHERIFF JOE THINK?

And hey, Campus Rapists! Good news! Betsy DeVos has your back, dudes! Go ahead and roofie that red solo cup, bro! Soon it'll be harder than ever to hold you to account! MEN'S RIGHTS!

Shart, Jr had his closed door meeting with Senate staffers. Bright young lad that he is, he's decided "I tried to collaborate with Russia, but it didn't work out" is his best line of defense. I look forward to the trials.

And now Dennis Rodman's offering to mediate between his two chums, Kim Jong-un and Shart Garfunkel. Great. We can have a peace summit with those three, the Hamburgler and Left Shark. THANK GOD WE'RE SAVED

...and now Wikileaks is saying Seth Rogan and the CIA plotted to overthrow the North Korean government.

Nope. I refuse to believe this anymore. I'm in, like, a Truman Show situation here, and all this is being manufactured to drive me nuts because ratings have been down. Well GOOD AFTERNOON GOOD EVENING AND GOOD NIGHT, says I.

Go to Page: 1 2 Next »