TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalWhen Liz Cheney Isn't Shitty Enough For Your Cult, You've Made Some Choices (Ze Ferret)
Ah, the sun is shining, flowers have begun to bloom, and even now that second sweet dose o Pfizer rewrites my DNA in accordance with Bill Gates grand plan. Were it not for the GOPs steady, methodical march towards authoritarianism, I mightve burst into song by now; as it is, I dont imagine Ill be swapping out my chroniclin pants for tap shoes any time soon.
(U want links n color n other completely magical shit? Click here: http://showercapblog.com/when-liz-cheney-isnt-shitty-enough-for-your-cult-youve-made-some-choices/)
Well, the Hairplug That Ate Decency is still banned from Facebook, for at least six more months, while Mark Zuckerberg ponders the profitability of platforming a terrorism-inciting, white supremacist madman. Pretty cool that a decision of such magnitude lies in the hands of one unelected sociopath, huh?
At least we still get to watch Wee Donnie One-Term get smacked down with each pathetic new attempt to sneak back onto Twitter. Theres just something about watching a Nazi step on a rake that livens up ones day, dont you think?
Most men would walk away from a debacle like the Four Seasons Total Landscaping incident confident their place in loser meltdown history was secure, but for Rudy Giuliani, rock bottom was just another trip around the board without passing Go or collecting $200.
Little more than MAGA Nations drooling, batshit uncle now, Rudy is reduced to begging his old boss to pay his mounting legal bills, (good luck with that, Cousin-Fucker) because nobodys gonna whip up an angry mob to keep Dear Leaders perpetually self-immolating idiot lawyer out of prison, yknow?
Why, the poor traitor can apparently no longer afford to keep his entourage!
(This space intentionally left blank to allow the reader time to grieve.)
Mitch McConnell sneeringly informed the world that one hundred percent of my focus is standing up to this administration, rough news for anyone hoping Yertles long-teased trip hop concept album about the life of John Sherman Cooper would drop this year, and also for anyone hoping the Republican Party might be interested in helping the nation recover from their murderous mismanagement of the pandemic.
Now, the Biden agenda Wrinkly Gamera opposes so fervently has mostly been about controlling the coronavirus and reducing unemployment so far, because I guess supporting life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is a partisan position these days. And that seems shocking, until one ruminates for a moment on the absurdity of the very idea of shared, self-evident truths (about equality, no less) in our current political climate. Anyhoo, if anybody out there has an open sofa in a country where half the electorate isnt in a death cult, drop me a line, wouldja?
Oregon State Rep. Mike Nearman faces multiple criminal charges for granting lunatic anti-mask rioters access to the state Capitol last December, so they could skip merrily through the halls, spreading COVID-19 and bear mace. Going forward, I guess we need to add some specifics to our elected representatives oaths of office; maybe a line or two about I Will Not Aid Terrorist Plots to Attack the Building Where I Work?
(I dont blame the founders for this blind spot; hows a culture thats just working through its powdered wig phase supposed to see the Imma Spread a Lethal Virus to Own the Libs crowd coming?)
By the way, Nearman caught COVID too, because fucking of course he did.
Tennessee Republicans banned teaching critical race theory in public schools, because its scandalous to even suggest that theres any institutional racism in this, our pure, pristine, never-even-mildly-imperfect nation; why yes, the selfsame Tennessee Republicans who felt the need to defend the unjustly maligned honor of that famous anti-racism measure...the Three-Fifths Compromise. I feel compelled to remind everyone that I am somehow not, in defiance of all reason and sanity, making any of this shit up.
Republicans provided further evidence of Americas complete lack of institutional racism over in the Centennial State, where Rep. Richard Holtorf very non-racistly spat a slur directly in his Black colleagues faces, right on the floor of the Colorado House. Thank heaven Rich didnt have to learn about critical race theory in school, right?
And of course, wherever theyre able, Republicans continue their efforts to use the powers of state government to prevent minorities from voting...yeah, kids, if you just get rid of that critical theory stuff, nobodyll notice youre racist. Thatll work. Good plan.
Ron DeSantis even signed Floridas shiny new Jim Crow bill into law in a special ceremony staged exclusively for Fux Nooz, because the path to the 2024 Republican presidential nomination runs through performative acts of white supremacist pettiness, apparently.
Since we seem to have unknowingly embarked on a tour of state-level Republican fucknuttery, we may as well swing by the land of my rearing, the great state of Kansas, where the headline, about state Rep. Mark Samsel getting arrested for kneeing a student in the groin, is merely the lid on a Pandoras Box of helter-skelter nucking futz behavior I wouldnt dream of spoiling here. If you click on just one Shower Cap link tonight, make it this one.
We shouldve known there was something off with this latest Arizona recount when the auditors requested a bowl of just red M&Ms with the other colors replaced by candied bath salts, but boy howdy, these weirdos have turned out to be unusually buggy even by the modern eras shall we say elevated standard.
Theyre looking for bamboo fibers on the ballots because, you see, the idea is that sinister Chinese operatives smuggled tens of thousands of Biden votes into Maricopa County, and just couldnt stop themselves from rubbing bamboo all over them. One of the maniacs in charge of this episode of Shitty Orwell Theatre is a conspiracy-theory-spewing former state Representative who attended the festivities in D.C. on January 6th. At the risk of calling for intrusive government regulation, perhaps insurrectionists should be legally barred from fucking around with folks ballots. Just a thought.
Because what we have here is American fascisms loyal bureaucratic footsoldiers meddling, without anything approaching adequate oversight or security, with extremely important documents from a razor-thin swing-state Presidential election, secreting god knows what viscous fluids all over them, in service to the Big Lie that incited violent insurrection just four short months ago.
Yes, the Big Lie is alive and well, and apparently it eats Cheneys. Normally I wouldnt complain; Liz Cheney is, of course, absolutely fucking awful, and monstrously wrong on any of ten thousand issues, but we happen to see more or less eye-to-eye when it comes to the general undesirability of adopting autocracy in the United States. Eh. Ive had stranger bedfellows.
Anyway, cancel culture has come for Liz, not over Dr. Seuss or plastic potato genitalia, but her refusal to bend the knee to the Emperor of Hemorrhoids, to accept and spread as gospel his fascistic disinformation. Kevin McCarthys caucus is positively overjoyed at this chance to grovel before the golden toilet throne; theyre certainly reveling in every available opportunity to theatrically sharpen their knives ahead of Cheneys imminent excommunication; one assumes once the ritual formalities have concluded, shell be dragged into the cloakroom and devoured raw by her former colleagues.
Yknow, I laughed at that guy who said he was a time traveler, because he told me the Cubs winning the World Series would set off the worst days of my life, and that watching Mitt Romney and the Cheneys get chased out of the Republican Party would fill me with worry and dread, but now Im just mad I didnt ask for stock tips.
Anyway, youve probably been hearing quite a bit about Cheneys rapacious replacement-in-waiting, the odious Elise Stefanik, who oozes amoral ambition to a degree seldom encountered outside fable. Much has been made of Stefaniks effortlessly oily glide from Rational Moderate to Bellowing Zealot, and folks, the ascent of power-crazed climbers utterly lacking any true core beliefs is another big part of How it Happens Here.
Speaking of the craven collaborators giddily selling America to ruin, Lindsey Graham, in joining the Cheney pile-on, admits his lost, broken party cant move forward without their deposed Maggot King. Now, this may seem like nothing more than a well-trained dog dutifully jumping through his hoop, but Lindseys not wrong, and hes not alone in realizing that four years of atrocity and lethal incompetence with nothing but blind, burning hatred offered in justification radicalized so many millions of Americans into anti-Republican activists that the Party of Lincoln has no choice but to burrow ever further up their Dimestore Führers ass, because without his demented cult of personality, they have no hope of competing with the massive opposing coalition they themselves built with their own failure and corruption and can you believe Ive been accused of writing indecipherable run-on sentences?
Growing up, they always told me the path to hell is paved with good intentions. Having spent several recent years getting dragged against my will down said path, I can confidently state the primary building material used is in fact the Shitty Decisions of Cowardly Old White Guys.
Vaccination was going so well that we were starting to get our hopes up, but then of course we ran into the same wall of assholes that always seems to pop up whenever we try to give the public nice things, (like, yknow, the END OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING PANDEMIC) so instead of herd immunity and a return to normalcy, looks like we get Covid Forever and also Cud-Brained Shitweasels Screeching About Masks and Vaccines Forever, yay.
Needless to say, Tucker Carlsons White Power Hour is the nations leading source of anti-vax disinformation, because apparently the whole Stochastic Terrorism Propaganda Machine shtick isnt killing Americans quickly enough for Fish Stix Hitlers liking.
What else? I see Caitlyn Jenner went on Hannity to reassure Republican voters she despises the homeless just as much as any other wealthy white asshole. Retail politics sure get strange in a hate cult.
Thaaaaaaaats about all I can handle for one week, friends. As always, I hope youre staying safe out there...oh hey, be on the lookout for rogue plummeting rockets, I guess, as if there wasnt enough on your plate already.
Lies, Damned Lies, and Lies About Beer Being Made From Meat (Ferret)
Republicans have yet to find a test of human decency too basic to enthusiastically fail, so aint it great theyre not in charge anymore? The news has two settings these days: Democrats fixing shit, and Republicans running around, screaming and rubbing poo all over their own faces for reasons best left to elite psychiatric professionals to diagnose. Still, youre here, so lets get chroniclin.
(GIT IT with nifty nooz links, here: http://showercapblog.com/lies-damned-lies-and-lies-about-beer-being-made-from-meat/)
Hey hey friends, didja see them new CDC guidelines? All these delicious new privileges raining down upon us, all at once, its like turning 21 all over again! I personally plan on going completely wild. Like, bachelor-party-in-Vegas wild, though my version of that will be stumbling from bookstore to bookstore and browsing for hours. Remember BROWSING IN BOOKSTORES? Unnnnnnnnnnnngh sploot.
A lot of the big stuff in the new guidelines pertains to mask wearing, and its all great, wonderful news, but at this point, the denizens of MAGA Nation have conditioned themselves into this Pavlovian response wherein they shriek tyranny and shit themselves whenever they hear the word mask, so of course theyre being all weird and hostile about everything.
For the love of all thats holy, somebody just ask the Tootsie Pop Owl how many American corpses it takes to get these freedumb-fuddled fuckheads to throw in this stupid, stupid towel? 572,190 wasnt the magic number...well try again tomorrow, I guess.
Like, that idiot lawmaker up in Alaska who just got her batty ass banned from the only airline that flies to her hometown...how are you STILL throwing this tantrum? Its like being in the last act of an Alien movie and demanding the waiter bring you a fresh plate of facehuggers. What, at long last, is fucking wrong with you?
While Cult45 gave nary a fuck about containing the coronavirus as it killed and killed and killed for an entire goddamn year, they are absolutely quaking with umbrage that somebody somewhere might be wearing a mask when they dont strictly need to. JOE BIDEN WORE A MASK ON TV THE OTHER DAY HES THE DEVIL they squeal, before injecting fresh bleach into their idolatrous Trump shrines.
Tucker Carlson went a step further, of course, cuz thats what Tucker Carlson does. Fish Stix Hitler actually encouraged his viewers to initiate conflict with mask-wearing strangers, part of his slow, steady campaign to normalize street violence, and radicalize his viewers into white supremacist terrorists. Which we just...allow, as a culture, it seems. Say, maybe thats not the best idea.
Comrades, I never in my wildest, communistest fantasies dreamed that Operation: Jade Helm III: The Bidening would go so well! We are months ahead of schedule, already we have begun replacing Americas meat-based beers with feminized vegan alternatives! Deprived of the masculinity-enhancing essences derived from fleshy brews, American manhood shall surely wither and die!
Anyway, BREAKING NEWS: Larry Kudlow said something profoundly idiotic again, although on a topic other than economics, which is kinda refreshing. The Kudmeister was just doing his humble part to flood the zone with shit, ysee, spreading the latest preposterous right-wing lie, something about the Biden Administrations nefarious plot to Outlaw Meat Except For Maybe a Ham Cube or Two on Your Birthday If Youre Woke Enough.
Also Vice President Harris appropriated fourteen billion taxpayer dollars (and she specifically asked to only use white folks money) to purchase copies of her childrens book in order to distribute them to migrant kids at the border as part of their Deep State Welcome/Indoctrination Kit, along with a switchblade and a map to the homes of nearby evangelicals.
Of course, that didnt happen either. Naturally, Rupert Murdochs New York Post wasnt gonna let any silly cuck stuff like checking to see if theres any truth at all to this ridiculous story interfere with an opportunity to force another shovelful of horseshit down the rubes willing gullets. In a couple months, some pollsters gonna ask people if they believe this crap, and youll look at the numbers and cry.
I see Rick Santorum dropped that teevee-friendly mask of his again, belching up the language of white supremacy with such nonchalance you can totally tell hes not above engaging in a little light Holocaust denial after a Zima or two. Okay. I understand CNN wants to present the far-right point of view to their audience, but Santorum has always been a deranged theocrat, with an awful, hate-based ideology, and surely we can do without his Im Your Cuddly Wingnut Buddy! schtick.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels and Mitch McConnell are still at each others throats, and if ever there was a problem crying out to be solved by an unscrupulous professional wrestling promoter...make sure the steel cage is extra rusty, is my only request.
Hey, speaking of Shitty Old White Men Whove Been Trying to Destroy My Country, I see the Consequences Fairy paid a lil visit to the Giuliani household, the kind requiring a search warrant, tee hee. Rudys defense strategy seems heavy on screaming about Hunter Bidens laptop and hoping the details sort themselves out, so I dont imagine weve enjoyed our last laugh at Trenchmouth McCousinfuckers expense.
Turns out the FBI tapped Amerikkkas Mayor on the shoulder way back in 2019 to warn him Russia was using him to spread disinformation as part of their ongoing Fuck America With a Rake campaign, but Rudes was all, No worries brah, Im betraying my homeland on purpose!
Ron Johnson received a similar warning, whats called a defensive briefing in fact, and upon learning he was being deployed as Vlad Putins useful idiot, pumped his fist and exclaimed, Hear that, Ma? Im USEFUL!
Smilin Joe Biden went to Congress to give a little speech celebrating 100 days of Not Letting a Nazi Game Show Host Fuck Everything Up, but Republicans still grimaced and pouted their way through it, especially the parts about reducing childhood poverty, because most GOP Senators retirement fantasies revolve around opening private orphanages so they can stingily dispense gruel and porridge with an iron hand.
Tim Scott, bless his heart, got stuck with the rebuttal gig, for reasons which, Im certain, had absolutely nothing to do with shouting WEVE GOT A BLACK GUY HOW RACIST CAN WE BE at nation that watched the GOP incite a white nationalist lynch mob to murder Congress and overturn the election. Bet that works.
Like, I know feeble gaslighting is the only arrow left in the conservative quiver, but if this sauce gets any weaker youre gonna be able to order a bottomless bowl of it at Olive Garden. How dare you imply theres systemic racism in America also Im introducing legislation to eliminate all polling places in minority precincts except one, which must by law be located inside a live volcano. Who do you imagine youre fooling with this garbage? (Eric and Don Jr. dont count.)
Meanwhile, McConnell shot off this pitiful, whinging memo to Education Secretary Miguel Cardona, demanding the abandonment of tools like the 1619 Project in favor of feeding the nations youth a steady diet of Murican propaganda, because honestly, hows a disinformation-spewing death cult supposed to indoctrinate a population if you keep on showing them the TRUTH all the dang time? Hey Yertle, if I can borrow a page from Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a fascist if the idea of teaching American history in American history classes sends you into a turbulent turtle tizzy.
Somehow, the slow-motion implosion of Matt Gaetz keeps getting grosser. Weve swiftly plummeted to Check Out David Cronenberg There in the Corner He Looks Like He Ate Bad Squid levels of revoltingness; its frankly interfering with my ability to enjoy the windshield splattering of perhaps the one fly that grew most engorged at the Shitpile of Trumpism. Just throw him down a well and spare us further details, kay?
Incidentally, turns out Roger Stone is the amiable sort of fellow wholl gladly ask his corrupt President pal to further defile the office and its powers by pardoning a child sex trafficker, for the low, low price of 250 grand. Stone, Gaetz, Kudlow...those scatbuckets had Donnie Dotards ear while he was ignoring the doctors and scientists, how odd that things didnt work out.
Hey, speaking of prominent conservative pedophiles, Josh Duggar, that close personal friend of the Christian Huckabee clan, has been arrested and indicted for possession of child pornography. Sure is weird that right-wingersll shoot up a pizza joint based on something they thought they saw spelled out in a chemtrail, but cant be bothered to muster a mumbled hey quit it for Duggar or Gaetz or Roy Moore or Donald Trump or Denny Hastert or Caleb Bailey or Marty Glickman or Ralph Shortey or Tim Nolan or any of the rest of the LITERAL ARMY OF REPUBLICAN CHILD MOLESTERS, huh?
Hey Minority Leader McCarthy! Look, I know leadership isnt exactly your thing, but do you maybe wanna, I dunno, work up a quick lil statement? Something like, Even in our post-decency party/cult/wad of subpar white boy rage, a child rapist is not welcome or do you worry thatd open the door to requiring accountability from the rest of your caucus of traitors and terrorists?
Newly-released documents reveal the depths of madness and paranoia gripping the lunatic Cyber Ninjas whove somehow been allowed to conduct an unnecessary, redundant audit of the 2020 election in Arizonas Maricopa County. Hey, maybe folks suffering from delusions that theyre being targeted for Fast-and-Furious-worthy paramilitary strikes carried out by imaginary antifa legions shouldnt be given access to these ballots, yknow?
Through all this weird, weird fuckery, Joe just keeps on chuggin along, methodically undoing his vile predecessors despicable works. The Big Dumb Wall finally took its rightful place in historys blazing dumpster, and the $14 billion Weehands McNodick unconstitutionally stole from the Pentagon has been returned to the...well, to the sprawling, out-of-control, military-industrial complex...okay, theres still some work to do.
...but it can wait till Monday, Ive got an intriguing new IPA that requires my immediate attention. When next we meet, I shall have received my SECOND SHOT and I shall be a very happy Cap indeed. Until that merry day...stay safe out there, Resisters.
Carlson, Lindell, Chauvin, and Other Bleached Buttholes of the White Nationalist American Right (F)
Hard to believe that just one short year ago, the President of the United States stood amidst the wreckage of his catastrophic pandemic mismanagement, corpses piling higher by the hour, and told us everything would be okay if we all just injected a little bleach into our bodies. 74 million people voted to keep that guy in power. Sleep tight.
(As ever, git this shit with color n links n stuff here: http://showercapblog.com/carlson-lindell-chauvin-and-other-bleached-buttholes-of-the-white-nationalist-american-right/)
Theres nothing more fascinating (or surprising) to discover than a Line Too Vile For Even the Post-Trump GOP to Cross. Tis a rare beast, as the last few years have demonstrated, but I guess the Fuck It Were Just Nazis Now Caucus proposed by Paul the Mengele of Dentists Gosar and Marjorie Taylor Guam was an ivory bridge too far, somehow. Ken freakin Buck, after everything hes silently permitted and even vocally supported, said NO THAT SHITS TOO RACIST, and like, ok, thanks, but dont you just want to hand Ken a bright red marker and ask him to draw out precisely where he imagines this line is? Thats a gerrymander, right there; NC-12 aint shit.
How much fuckin money is there in the pillows-marketed-via-tribal-hatred game, anyway? Dont get me wrong, Mike Lindells ongoing meltdown is the best show on television, (robbed at the Golden Globes, if you ask me) but between funding Tucker Carlsons White Power Hour and his very own laughingstock of a social media network, (kindly refrain from taking my deranged, white supremacist gods name in vain while youre inciting violence by spreading fascist disinformation, pleez) there cant be much cash left in the ol MyMattress. Shit, maybe hes trying to burn through his whole fortune so theres nothing left for the voting machine companies to take.
COVID-19 damn near pried Ted Pandemic Denier Because Of Course He Is Nugents flaccid, dusty wee-wee out of his cold, dead hands, that was somethin. Hey, fuck that guy. Moving on:
You can tell a lot about a political party by the problems it identifies as worth solving. Take us, for example, the Biden-era Democrats: were not only finally getting the goddamn pandemic under control, but fighting to reduce racial and economic inequality, modernizing infrastructure and creating jobs doing it, taking on climate change and the gun violence epidemic and oh yeah, working to grant long-overdue congressional representation to the American taxpayers in Washington, D.C.
Meanwhile, in the boiling pits of raw sewage across the aisle, priorities are a wee bit different. Republicans look out upon the nation theyve failed so disastrously, and say to themselves, Yknow who gets a raw deal? Folks who drive automobiles into crowds of peaceful protesters, thats who! And so, from Oklahoma to Ron Fascism Sure is Fun When Youre in Charge DeSantis Florida, state-level wingnuts are passing laws granting immunity to people who RUN OVER HUMAN BEINGS WITH THEIR FUCKING CAR, amidst wider crackdowns on First Amendment rights. For those keeping score at home, vehicular homicide should be legal; Black folks voting shouldnt.
Between this crap and stand-your-ground laws, notice how conservatives keep hollowing out these special situations where (rich, white) people are legally allowed to commit murder? No wonder theyre mad about the Chauvin verdict.
Speaking of...so, the jury in the Derek Chauvin trial swiftly arrived at the only verdict possible when youve got a VIDEO RECORDING of the defendant doing exactly what hes accused of. I mean, and obviously you dont need me to tell you this, that video is absolutely fucking undeniable. The whole world has seen it. It is a recording of a deeply disturbed man deliberately crushing the life out of a human being and reveling in his power to do so.
Were so far beyond reasonable doubt here that reasonable doubt seems like an awkward college goth phase where you painted your nails black and pretended to like Sisters of Mercy. Derek Chauvin is precisely the sort of person society needs to be protected from. And there is no sane way to rationalize his behavior.
But lucky us, we share our country with the largest, dumbest, craziest, shittiest cult in human history, so not only did we quickly encounter that insane rationalization, but we got to watch as it spread like wildfire through the right-wing disinformation ecosystem until it was adopted as gospel by all the dutiful drones who dont even ask for a spoonful of sugar anymore before swallowing their daily allotment of cow excrement.
Near as I can figure it, and bear with me cuz this is real fuckin dumb, the idea is that Chauvin was only convicted because the jury was afraid that if they let him off, Maxine Waters would unleash her legions of antifa/BLM MegaNinjaCyberCommandos to wipe whiteness from the face of the earth for all time, leaving nary an Anne Geddes book behind to bear witness.
Got that? Not indisputable, indeed inescapable proof everyone has seen with their own two fucking eyes, but fear of Maxine Waters.
See, Waters suggested that protesters would need to be more confrontational if the system turned out to be okay with agents of the state murdering minorities in cold blood in broad daylight. And the folks whove spent the last few years doing everything in their power to support and enable a pants-shitting nitwit game show host who fancied himself a führer as he incited multiple acts of white supremacist terrorism decided it would be fun n profitable to pretend Auntie Maxine was calling for violence.
Ridiculous, right? Sure. But remember, were already dealing with people that think convicting Chauvin, aka The Murderer in That Murder Video, was a miscarriage of justice. Were talking about the Brainwash Me Harder Daddy Trumpist Republican base, which has yet to encounter a lie too big to blindly accept.
Is there any better villain for these losers than Maxine Waters, a seriously powerful, ferociously intelligent Black woman whos hardly shy about putting subpar white boys like Gym Jordan in their place*? You can see em kinda perk up whenever she cycles back into the Two Minutes Hate, cant you?
In the way pop musicians dont feel like theyve truly made it until theyve earned a Weird Al Yankovic parody, no lie is truly Big until Tucker Carlson vomits it out from his contemptible platform. Unsurprisingly, Fish Stix Hitler is all over this one, because, and forgive me for cutting straight to the subtext, he speaks to, and for, an audience that understands exactly what Chauvin did...and likes it. Wants to see more of it. Thats what the most-watched cable news show in America is all about, ysee: normalizing violence as a tool to preserve white supremacy**.
Preposterous as all this is, let it never be said these bastards dont commit to a bit. The very same asshats who riled up the January 6th lynch mob and voted to give in to its demands actually had the gall to attempt to censure Maxine Waters in the House, based on this flimsy crap. This is what Republican politics is now: tacky, nihilistic propaganda theatre designed to keep stupid white folks perpetually misinformed and enraged. What zany fascist antics will Kevin McCarthys feral caucus come up with next? Tune in to see if American democracy survives!
Speaking of the great debate of our time (Institutional White Supremacy or Nah?) the battle over voting rights spilled into a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, pitting Foghorn Dipshit, excuse me, Senator John Kennedy against Stacey Abrams, GUESS WHO WON? These dolts spend so much time snug within their media bubble, they truly can no longer even comprehend what the real word actually looks like, here outside Rupert Murdochs colon.
Semi-Sentient Truck Stop Restroom Wall Vending Machine Condom Rick Scott has begun making little yipping noises about refusing to raise the debt ceiling without dollar-for-dollar spending cuts, because malicious, Medicare-defrauding oligarchs get to take the global economy hostage in this, our healthy, functioning democracy.
The Senate passed a bill designed to combat the recent surge in anti-AAPI hate crimes, 94-1. The lone dissenter was, of course, Josh Someday My Reich Will Come Hawley, who now faces an agonizing, years-long wait for the moment he gets to use this vote to call one of his colleagues race traitor from a presidential debate stage.
Ron Johnson opposes the big push to get everyone vaccinated, finding it highly suspicious that folksre trying to actually end the goddamn pandemic, because the last 13 months have been so fucking delightful, you see. Personally, I believe a U.S. Senator should represent the people of their state, and not the extremely contagious disease killing said people, but then, I am a bleeding heart libtard cuck.
...and a bleeding heart libtard cuck that really needs beer now. Stay safe out there, my friends, keep the vaccines flowing like wine, and be on the lookout, there may just be a new offering from Resistance Comics on the horizon...
* Most assuredly Gymbos kink, it turns out.
** I was gonna say sleep tight, but I already used that one. I really do hope you're sleeping well, though.
It's Choose Your Own Adventure, America: Infrastructure or White Nationalism? (Ferret)
Holy heck, yall, since last we met, my right shoulder enjoyed a saucy tryst with dose one of the Pfizer vaccine, which immediately transformed this mild-mannered poo joke blogger into a legit super soldier, sporting exotic powers like Maybe Having a Meal in a Restaurant in a Few Months and My God Possibly Even Attending a Movie This Calendar Year Assuming I Ever Stop Weeping For Joy.
(Get all the links n shininess here, as always: http://showercapblog.com/its-choose-your-own-adventure-america-infrastructure-or-white-nationalism/)
Well, to date, the post-presidency of the Deposed Dotard with Diminutive Digits has been...lets just say I dont think Jimmy Carter is looking over his shoulder.
Ive actually created a remarkably accurate tool for forecasting the Velveeta Vulgarians pitiful shenanigans, call it Caps Law of Loser is as Loser Does (Or CLLLoD): to predict Donald Trumps behavior in a given situation, simply consider the setting, and then ask, What would the biggest loser in the entire world do?
So, for example, if I told you, Donald Trump gave a speech to a crowd of wealthy donors at an RNC event held at his tacky-ass golf resort, and you applied CLLLoD, youd say, Well, I suppose hed launch into a meandering tirade, full of stupid, embarrassing lies, snarling bigotry, and worn-to-the-nub petty grievances, ultimately serving mostly to advertise the unmanageable insecurities that have made him a serial failure and global laughingstock.
See? The margin of error is fuckin microscopic. Im awaiting peer review before officially publishing my findings, but locating other drunken, masked/bathrobed bloggers has proven challenging.
(Wee Don saved his biggest, tuffest words for Mitch McConnell, by the way, and Im sure everyone was impressed at his general Big Tuff Boyness. Im all for this jag-on-jag warfare, of course; honestly, Im still holding out hope this ends with those two irredeemable dungbuckets plummeting into some bottomless Disney villain abyss, hands clutched tight around one anothers throats.)
The ongoing downfall of Florida (Congress)Man Matt Gaetz continues to be a fascinating real-time experiment in just how much dignity a human turd can shed whilst circling the drain.
So, last week we learned Matt tried but failed to wrangle a pardon from Hairplug Himmler, right? Well, nowadays the Venmo Kid is so radioactive, so pungently reeking of Eau De Youre Fucked Son, that he cant even land a MEETING with Boss Shart anymore. This news threatens to burst my schadenfreude-engorged belly, because proximity to Trump was the only thing this putrid scrotum tumor had to offer anyone, meaning hes in even deeper sh-wait now, whats this you say? Matts wingman, indicted trafficker-of-minors Joel Greenberg, is cooperating with the investigation?
Hooooooooooooooooweeee! When Gaetz finally hits pavement, there wont be enough of him left to spread on a Wheat Thin.
I suppose Congressman Sex Trafficker can at least take comfort in the fact that his caucus leader lacks the ethical fortitude to so much as remove him from the committee overseeing the very Justice Department currently investigating his monumental loathsomeness. Kevin McCarthy remains the Neville Chamberlain of Nevilles Chamberlain.
Speaking of Republican Congressmen Who Shouldnt Be Allowed Near Playgrounds, Gym Jordan decided to play Fuck Around and Find Out with Maxine Waters, behavior so obviously hazardous to ones heath Im surprised the Surgeon General didnt tackle him. Now that his Turdlord has been oerthrown, Gymbos ostentatiously indignant gaslighting act seems more pathetic and clownish than ever, just an underdressed man-child rubbing shit in his own hair for reasons that are frankly difficult to grasp. The circus moved on, bro; if you have failed to develop any skill set beyond biting the heads off chickens, thats on you. And buy a jacket, for Christs sake.
Rising MAGA star Kristi Noem says the COVID mass grave that used to be South Dakota before she took over is for WHITES ONLY, and I just hope everyone is prepared for the 2024 GOP presidential primary to be months of the very worst people alive trying to out-racist one another. Y'know, like usual.
Ted Cruz, Mike Lee, and Josh Hawley (quite the Dumbfuck Cerberus...what, was Tommy Tuberville busy?) have a plan to return their hopelessly corrupt congregation of the malicious and mediocre to glory, introducing legislation to fiscally discipline Major League Baseball, (for, youll recall, opposing the GOPs fascist, racist assaults on voting rights) because I guess thats just how you fill your hours when youre a legislator in a party thats decided policy is for cucks.
The truth is, all this floundering faux outrage only reveals the naked terror running through the Republican Party these days; the Biden Administration promised shots in arms and money in pockets, and speaking for myself, okay, the money got transformed into beer and comic books more or less immediately, but the way the things were going under the last guy (Orange fellow. Loud, stupid. Mouth not unlike the puckered butthole of a syphilitic walrus.) I wasnt expecting to get vaccinated for months yet. The American people are pretty fucking pleased with the recent change in management, is what Im saying.
And now, Joe n Kamala n Chuck n Nancy n all their friends in our narrow-but-feisty congressional majority plan to follow up their smash debut American Rescue Plan with the equally popular American Jobs Plan, an infrastructure mega-bill filled with loads of awesome stuff favored by massive bipartisan majorities, but opposed by congressional Republicans, on account of the way theyre essentially entry-level employees in the billionaire class collective accounting department and all.
Im nearly sympathetic, because yeah, politically speaking, it was already a pretty fucking big ask, to return the GOP to power on the memory of their I Honestly Didnt Know You Could Fuck America Up This Badly in Just Four Years record, and that was before Jonny Ossoff and the Reverend Warnock ushered in the Age of Reconciliation and the accompanying trillions. On the other hand, it SHOULD be hard to defend your trash partys trash positions, so fuck you, I rescind my sympathy. It was only a literary device anyway, you fucks.
Anyway, these bewildered bastards are trying to figure out some way to make the American public hate a generally likable idea like, lets finally modernize our infrastructure and make the filthy rich pay for it. Its a fairly shitty thing to want to do, so I feel absolutely no guilt in laughing as their Wile E. Coyote scheme to undermine the Biden agenda goes through its entirely predictable life cycle.
What even IS infrastructure, maaaaaaaaaan? they feebly whined, hoping to ignite coast-to-coast outrage by furiously nitpicking over classification or terminology or...hey, dont look at me, it wasnt my fuckin plan.
Bidens so-called infrastructure proposal, shrieked Tennessee Senator Marsha Blackburn, waving her sternest finger quotes, includes $400 billion for ELDER CARE of all things, as though elder care is Appalachian slang for letting an elk shit directly into your mouth. What is your play here, Marsha, beyond Helpfully Drawing the Publics Attention to an Underreported Aspect of Our Kickass Bill?
Heck, the best McConnell himself could muster was the petulant instance that no one voted for Bidens agenda, and I mean, hes only 81,282,916 votes off. Bless his dark, obstructionist heart, Yertles really only got that one trick.
Theyre trying SO HARD to recreate the Emperor of Hemorrhoids culture-war-inside-a-tent-revival atmosphere, but they lack the manic energy to pull it off; if Wee Donnie One-Term wanted to earn an honest buck for the first time in his abominable life, the truth is, the Senate GOP would pay handsomely for a solid series of gaslighting seminars. As it is, they come off as ridiculous old men, bellowing nonsense and thrashing about gawkily, like Peter Cetera covering Black Flag.
Sure, we capped a year of murderous bungling (half a million graves and counting, bay-bee) by inciting a Nazi lynch mob to attempt the violent overthrow of the federal government, and our successors are restoring hope and normalcy and prosperity faster than anyone imagined was possible, but which party is torturing transgender children, I ask you that? Thats the pitch.
And it would be a laughable pitch, were it not for the stakes. All the eggs are in the deplorables basket now. If you want health care or economic growth or even just simple, basic competence from your government, so be it, vote Democrat, you wont find any of that crap here...but if youre so warped by hate and fear that youd just as soon burn the whole thing down in order to rule the ashes, HAVE I GOT A POLITICAL PARTY FOR YOU.
Tucker Carlson recently started slinging the jargon of the great replacement theory, which everyone quickly agreed is precisely the sort of thing white nationalists say. Now, I dont have a lot of illusions left to shatter, but I thought maybe dispensing actual white supremacist propaganda on cables most-watched show would finally be the line even Fux was too decent to cross.
But no, Lachlan Murdoch let the world know Fish Stix Hitler has his full support, insisting to the ADL, yes, to the frickin Anti-Defamation League, with reptilian courtesy, that Liar Tucks endorsement was in fact a condemnation, which surely made Orwells ghost spasm and twitch. That Lachlan sees political and financial benefit in platforming the ideology of genocide is, at the risk of editorializing, a phenomenally shitty thing.
Shittier still is hearing the same poison vomited up during a subcommittee hearing, by a sitting U.S. Congressman, but then, Pennsylvanias Scott Perry has been a fairly reliable hategeyser since swapping out his old Freedumb Caucus crazy pants for those shiny new robes. Naturally, Ron the Shame of Wisconsin Johnson wants in on this Nazi shit too, because wherever Nazi shit is to be found, RoJo wants in on it. Its his thing.
And now, fashy dentist Paul Gosar is teaming up with Marjorie Taylor Guam to launch a bonafide Brownshirt Caucus within the House GOP, squealing about the need to Make Architecture White Again, which presumably means constructing all new buildings out of the copies of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion Gosar cranks out by hand in his basement during his week-long meth benders.
In announcing new sanctions on Russia, (sorry Vlad, Daddys home) the Biden Administration revealed that pardoned traitor Paul Manafort was indeed involved in a scheme to use a Konstantin-Kilimnik-shaped pipeline to funnel secret Trump campaign information directly to Russian Intelligence Services, the better to target their efforts to interfere in our election and install Putins personal pet in the White House.
And we just...let that guy be President for four entire years. Cool. Hey Republicans, if you ever find yourselves wondering how yall alienated every American voter who isnt a Klansman or a drooling, conspiracy-addled fuckwit, maybe the Koch family owns some sort of mirror factory, you perfidious shitworms.
Shoutout to the fetid wad of treason and loserstech that stormed the U.S Capitol 100 short days ago, on their very first plea-bargainin, flippity-flippin, manly-militia-man-turned-cooperating-witness: founding Oath Keeper Jon Ryan Schaffer! I wont claim to be an expert, but I guess the oath in question must not cover immediately selling your deadbeat terrorist buddies out ten seconds after Captain Consequences knocks on your door. Oath Keepers. Sure, Jan.
And even as the pandemic recedes, the older American plagues of mass shootings and police violence surge anew. Its a battle every damn day, making this country live up to its promises. Its been nice lately, putting some points on the board for a change, but the work remains...
...so grab some rest (rest meaning beer) this weekend so youre up for it! Stay safe out there, Shower Captives, the finish line is finally in sight!
PS - Aw, Roger Stone thought he was all safe n pardoned, but it appears his troubles are just beginning, how sad...
Don't Worry, Congressman Gaetz, You'll Hit Rock Bottom at Some Point. Surely. (F/SC)
They laughed at Warren G. Harding, but he was light years ahead of his time with that return to normalcy shit. Returning to normalcy is pretty fucking great, in my opinion. The more normalcy I return to, the more I like it. Lately, I find I have even less tolerance for the fuckery we document here in this blog, its like...quit messing up my return to normalcy, you asswipes.
(You know this, but get this blog, in color and riddled with nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/dont-worry-congressman-gaetz-youll-hit-rock-bottom-at-some-point-surely/)
Boy, Republicans do not have the first fucking idea what to do about all this corporate pushback against their fascist assault on voting rights, do they? The only thing they know how to do anymore is lash out in anger, but you dont get a key to a GOP cloakroom without conditioning yourself to instantaneously submit to the slightest shifting whim of the Hand That Feeds You, so all this is real confusing for the poor little tykes, yknow?
Seriously, its about time for somebody to call Elaine Chao to come get her husband; you know Mitch, if he cant get what he wants by abusing arcane parliamentary procedure, he gets all flustered n fussy; hes one self-aggrandizing Rand Paul filibuster away from wandering onto the Senate floor in a poorly-tied bathrobe, mumbling to himself about the fifteen bucks Daniel Moynihan still owes him. Pro tip, Yertle: if you cant finish a threat without begging the threatenee for money, best not to bother.
As limp and embarrassing as the whole sordid show has been, we should still make note that Republican officials no longer even hesitate before threatening to bring the full unholy fury of the state down upon the heads of uppity private sector dissenters, and like, I know I come off like a broken record sometimes, but this is yet another Thing Republicans Do Thats Indistinguishable From What Fascists Do.
Another Trump-administered lesson in authoritarianism swiftly internalized by the entire GOP is that when it comes to their credulous, grievance-crazed base, there is simply no limit to the power to fool some of the people all of the time. New polling shows alarming numbers of Republicans blindly believe every dumb, crazy lie the Velveeta Vulgarian and his enablers told about the 2020 election, because gaslighting and victimhood are two whiny wingnut tastes that taste great together.
So it shouldnt really surprise anyone that the official messaging around these voter suppression laws (seamlessly harmonized between elected Republicans and the right-wing media, as is typical in this, our intensely healthy democracy) has been to simply straight-up fucking lie about the content of the bills, and then defend the horseshit misrepresentation with the sanctimonious fury of a forgotten sitcom actor doing Atticus Finch on the dinner theatre circuit.
For example, when Major League Baseball announced Denver as the new host for this years All-Star Game, following its withdrawal from Atlanta, (over the legal enshrinement of white supremacy thing, in case that slipped anyones mind) the entire right-wing jagoffosphere howled in perfect unison COLORADOS VOTING LAWS ARE STRICTER THAN GEORGIAS, which of course isnt anywhere close to true; in fact, thats a claim so ridiculous that once upon a time, they wouldve shipped you out to a farm in the country to run around with Dan Quayle for making it, but nowadays, well, the bigger the lie the better, and indeed, at this very moment, some long-lost cousin or classmate or co-worker of yours is engaged in a ferocious Facebook debate, and he is infuriatingly unshakeable in his belief that voting laws are stricter in Colorado than in Georgia. Because thats just how stuff works now. Wheeeeee.
That poll was really something. 64% of these rubes believe the Tooth Fairy is real, of whom 91% say shes a filthy socialist who should be strung up in front of the Capitol alongside former Vice President Mike Pants, who has a book coming out, apparently, in case youre curious about the lies a spineless wannabe theocrat tells himself to justify his own prominent role in the creation of the violent anti-democracy movement that ultimately attempted to murder him. Ill wait for the movie.
Anyway, yeah, conservatives have declared war on both Coke and baseball, so I figure were about six weeks away from some sort of manic, Roger Corman-esque, nationwide bald eagle hunt.
Still, after failed boycotts of Starbucks and Netflix and Nike and Keurig and...well, basically everything except shag carpeting woven from Mike Lindells back hair, nobodys willing to offer up so much as a courtesy shiver in the face of this latest promise of righteous economic wrath. It took what, two whole days from Sultan Spraytans Churchillian call to arms before he got caught consorting with the enemy? Yeah, I cant figure out why those North Korea negotiations never went anywhere, can you?
Hey, you might not want to finish this sentence without first procuring access to a fainting couch, but it appears as though the Trump campaign ripped off their own supporters! I know, right? Who couldve imagined the guy who extorted a piss ransom from the people tasked with risking their lives to protect his would stoop so low as to deceive his most faithful followers into unknowingly committing to weekly recurring donations until their bank accounts were (in the middle of a pandemic/economic crisis, so what, quitcher bitchin ya filthy takers) bled completely dry? Who indeed, except, yknow...literally everyone?
Honestly, HOW ARE YOU STILL FALLING FOR THIS SHIT? Im really asking, and youre invited to respond in the comments; please post your SSN, along with any account and/or routing numbers you may have, or I wont be able to follow up.
No sooner did news of this massive, $64.3 million fraud break than the NRCC went, Public shaming? How are we not using that one already, thats Extracting Money From a Cult of Dumbasses 101! So now when you make a donation, you either sign up for regular tithing, or they declare you a DEFECTOR and you go on a list that gets sent to Marm-a-Lago and then some random night Weehands McNodick himself breaks into your house to steal your pork rinds and hit on your daughters.
I see Greg Gutfeld ushered in a bold new era of conservative comedy, bringing his trademark What if an Impacted Toenail Had Opinions About Cancel Culture act to a new show on Fux, where he forces his interns to chuckle nervously while he monologues like a drunken Klan Dragon.
Meanwhile, on the very same cable channel, Tucker Carlson inches ever closer to simply reading Mein Kampf aloud from a rocking chair next to a fireplace. The language of white replacement felt chilling enough, screeched by tiki-torch-wielding incels in Charlottesville; seeing it piped into millions of American living rooms, on the lips of wolves dressed as the trusted newsmen of generations past...cant say Im a fan, friends.
Because a GOP official in Texas just got caught trying organize, in his own words, a brigade, an army to invade minority neighborhoods in Houston in order to...monitor elections, and if theres anything useful about pretending this dude wasnt calling for meticulously coordinated violence targeting non-white voters, I dont fucking see what it might be.
But lose ye not hope, my friends, for though the enemy is black of heart, he is dull of mind. Normally you have to get into a sword fight with Graham Chapman to experience the sort of self-inflicted humiliation Steve Doocy earns by repeatedly insisting upon matching wits with Jen Psaki, but bless his heart, he shows no signs of letting up. (Hey Fox, if youre looking to put some actual comedy in Gutfelds slot, Ive got an idea.)
Somehow, this week was even worse for Matt Gaetz than last week, which is not only thoroughly hilarious but also quite nourishing, for our justice-starved nation. However, I confess I fear that if we continue on this trajectory for even a few days more, the degree to which the Congresscreep from the Florida 1st is fucked may progress beyond the capacity of the human mind to comprehend. This kid is fucked on a cosmic scale, folks. There are whole Greek myths about dudes suffering eternally in Hades who arent as fucked as Matt Gaetz.
I think weve all learned more than we cared to about Matts sewage-gargling chum, Joel Greenberg, who has turned out to be...well, more or less exactly what youd expect from someone willing to socialize with Matt Gaetz, which is to say the Mildred Call the Police That Strange Man Is Leering Near the Playground Again type of fellow.
Anyhow, Joel, indicted on 33 total charges and no doubt hoping to reclaim at least some small corner of his scrotum from the vice on Johnny Laws desk, seems positively giddy to strike a plea bargain, prompting his lawyer to publicly speculate Gaetz "is not feeling very comfortable today, a reasonable enough assessment of the mental state of an ambitious young pusbucket who mere months ago flew on Air Force One at the Presidents request, but now finds himself under federal investigation in a sex-trafficking scandal.
That assessment only got reasonabler when news broke of the extremely public trail of Venmo transactions Gaetz and Greenberg helpfully left for investigators, and Matts legal troubles hardly stop there. Allies have abandoned him, and now he faces a shiny new ethics investigation in Congress. As I said, Sisyphus aint got shit on this kid.
Seems during the And Fall days of the Turd Reich, young Mattward nervously inquired of the Shart House, say, yall wouldnt happen to have any preemptive blanket pardons lying around, wouldja? Alas, whereas other prominent dingleberries orbiting the Adderall-Addled Assclown, your Roger Stones and your Duncan Hunters, had the good sense to get convicted before Sheriff Biden rode back into town, Gaetzs woes didnt surface until Hairplug Himmlers authority to pervert justice had been reduced once more to petty golf course fraud.
Bad timing, bro. Sucks to be you. If it makes you feel any better, watching it happen to you is absolutely fucking stupendous.
We learned the kakistocrat cronies Shart Garfunkel installed at HHS (remember Michael Caputo?) gleefully celebrated their successful attempts to corrupt and distort the CDCs scientific findings relating to the coronavirus outbreak, which, yes, amounts to dancing on the mass graves dug in the doomed, damned quest to extend an idiot tyrants mad reign. Yknow, history already taught us that fascists will happily send hundreds of thousands to the slaughter if it means one more day in power, but I guess 21st century America needed that lesson the hard way.
On that merry note, Ill leave you to your weekend. Hey, if you missed the Kickstarters for my first two comics, check showercapblog.com, you can get hooked up right now! Get vaccinated, buy comics, and stay safe out there, Resisters!
I'm Sorry, the Line For the Matt Gaetz Dunk Tank Forms 674 Miles Down the Road (F/SC)
The news cycle continues its slowdown, and though these quieter days take some getting used to, the change is mostly welcome. Even so, it turns out that a focused, contained return to the batshittiest Trump-era scandal levels can be tolerable, even pleasant, at least in the context of Gods own holy wrath coming down on the head of one of the very worst people alive.
(Git it, with links, here: http://showercapblog.com/im-sorry-the-line-for-the-matt-gaetz-dunk-tank-forms-674-miles-down-the-road/)
Look out Washington, cuz Major Biden is hardly the only member of his household running wild these days. Theres still cake in the fridge from the We Passed a $1.9 Trillion Stimulus Bill and Made Mitch McConnell Watch party, and Smilin Joes already pushing for a couple trillion more in infrastructure spending. Why? Maybe, as some speculate, hes angling for an FDR-worthy legacy. Maybe hes trying to do as much good as he can before his honeymoon period runs out. Maybe he just wants more cake.
Whatever the case may be, Yertles all flustered and colicky; dont Dems understand theyre supposed to obediently abandon their agenda and their mandate to his famed legislative graveyard? Instead, hes watching Majority Leader Schumer rifle through the sofa cushions in search of extra reconciliation tokens...shit, hows an inept death cult supposed to regain political power if the opposition keeps improving folks lives? Its not fair!
Joes infrastructure plan actually gets more popular when people find out rich folksre paying for it. And the plutocrat class was already trembling at the popularity of Democrats For the People Act, even among Republican voters; I swear, it gets harder to buy a government all the time.
While Biden works and wins, his predecessor appears to be on some sort of epic quest to journey beyond the reach of subjectivity and get the Guinness World Records people to proclaim him Historys Biggest and Biggest Imaginable Loser. Now, I enjoy Fat Q*berts humiliation as much as the next patriotic American, but watching a dude who was President of the United States just three short months ago shuffle around his tacky-ass golf resort, like an escaped hospital patient, gown swinging wide open, looking for weddings to crash so he can blubber his way through his latest laundry list of grievances...I mean, if all the losers from every Tom Waits song and Robert Altman film and Sam Shepard play congealed into one giant mega-loser in order to battle it out for loser primacy, I still think Donnie gets the first-round KO. Hes a wonder of loser science; such extreme loserdom surely defies the laws of physics.
And hes nowhere near finished failing, of course. The New York attorney generals office seems to be closing in on Allen Weisselberg, aka The Guy Who Knows Where the Bodies Are Buried and a federal judge invalidated his campaigns heavy-handed non-disclosure agreements and Summer Zervos defamation suit cleared another procedural hurdle and even the coupons for free hugs he got Don Jr. for his 21st birthday have been declared illegitimate and void.
The Arkansas GOP passed a legislative hate crime targeting the states transgender residents, because voting Republican is mostly about wanting a government that hurts your neighbors for being different. I confess Im tired of all this fear-driven regressive spite; youve had your Nazi lynch mob and your mass pandemic graveyards, can you truly find no better use for your time (or your power) than to torment the survivors of your malicious malpractice?
Before gettin to the good stuff, everyone here at Shower Caps Blog would like to extend our heartfelt gratitude to Congressman Matt Gaetz, who not only delivered much-needed blog fodder to an otherwise (blissfully) slow news week, but granted the weary, schadenfreude-starved American left the glorious spectacle of one of Trumpisms archbishops melting down before our eyes into a puddle of filth, reeking of sulfur and the vile ambition of the cruel and petty.
The day started promisingly for Gaetz, actually, amidst leaked rumors that he was contemplating leaving boring ol Congress behind to pursue fame and fortune with the disinformation-spewing fascist factory men call Newsmax, like a shittier Jim DeMint*, prompting a great deal of chin-stroking about the precise location of the center of power within the throbbing mass of shrieking buttholes that is the Republican Party of 2021.
Shit like that is like crack to an attention whore like Gaetz, but the high was not to last, alas.
For ordinary mortals, a gigantic, late-breaking news story containing your name alongside words like trafficking and 17-year-old would surely constitute the low point of, at the very least, your day, but our Matthew is a true once-in-a-generation scumbag, and he was just getting warmed up.
Gaetz knew he needed a softball interview, STAT, and so he called up Tucker Carlson, because thats just whatcha do when youre an American Nazi in search of a safe space. Now, Liar Tuck has helped many a wingnut jagoff disseminate their horseshit spin, but young Mattward was on a mission to make Sam Nunberg look like Droopy. Panicked and desperate, he attempted to lash himself to Carlson like an anchor**, proclaiming the two of them Best Sex Crimez Buddies 4Ever, earning a speedy defenestration from the only media figure extreme enough to even consider helping him.
Because no sooner had the scandal broken than every Republican in Washington called up their favorite access journalist to issue the same We Aways Knew That Gaetz Boy Was No Good statement. When you think of all the shit those cowardly doormats excused and enabled over the last few years, its sort of staggering to contemplate what sort of massive asshole youd have to be to merit such instant, unanimous excommunication.
Outside of Gym Jordans mumbled, half-assed Matt Gaetz is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life, his lone congressional defender is our old friend Marjorie Taylor Guam, and shes only looking for something, ANYTHING, to piggyback on to get some of that sweet, sweet attention she no longer commands since the media moved on from her sad little geek show. Point is, the assemble-the-team montage isnt going well for Rep. Florida Man.
Anyway, he belches up this zany-ass, Elmore-Leonard-meets-Carter-Page story about extortion and hostages and all kindsa weird shit, which, amazingly, seems to be at least partially true? Problem is, the whole reason hes being extorted is that hes under investigation for some extremely major, extremely disturbing crimes. Its a bit of an ethical sticky wicket, I admit, but I imagine most folksd side with the blackmailers here.
I mean, maybe this all turns out to be more innocent than it looks. I guess. Maybe. Somehow. Buuuuuut what it looks like right now is a sitting U.S. Congressman hanging around with a sex-trafficking scatbucket and paying to commit sex acts with minors.
Cant wait to see what the future holds for ya, Congressman!
Now that were actually fighting the pandemic instead of letting it run wild in the name of placating one broken old mans fragile ego, our successes have led to an All-New, All-Stupid front in the culture war, because thats just how shit works in a culture imbecilic enough to elevate frat house dumpster babies like Matt Frickin Gaetz to the highest halls of power.
Im speaking, of course, about the right-wing freakout over vaccine passports. See, well need a passport system going forward, so that those us with brains and consciences and such can safely gather in crowds without the freedumb crew ruining everything by letting Covid-19 tag along as their uninvited plus-one. You creeps are perfectly free to stick with your Immunization is For Cucks conniption; just understand that doing so means that sporting events, concerts, indoor dining, and the like are equally For Cucks. We, the responsible majority, have been prisoners of your reckless selfishness for a goddamn year and change; you are most definitely not invited to join in our reindeer games now that weve finally fought our way free of your fuckery.
Of course, to a Republican, nothing is more important than preserving the rights of egomaniacal crotchtumors to inflict harm upon strangers, so now we actually have to have a giant political squabble over what really ought to be an entirely non-controversial public health measure, but since objective reality has been partisan for quite a while now, are we even allowed to complain about this crap anymore? I vote yes.
Obviously, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is on board with this insanity; hes sided with the damn virus so consistently I assume itll be his running mate come 2024. And naturally, all the predictable persecution junkies are whinging about Nazi Germany and Bidens mark of the beast and corporate communism; youve gotta expect that sort of thing when a major political party starts conducting their candidate recruitment in meth dens.
I dont understand why we need a passport anyway, cant we just scan the microchip Bill Gates painstakingly inserts, by hand, into every single dose?
Georgia Republicans, facing corporate pushback for their recent authoritarian/white supremacist assault on voting rights, swiftly turned vindictive, with their state House majority voting to repeal a significant tax break for Delta, one of the states largest employers, following a critical memo issued by CEO Ed Bastian. Thats open warfare on their own economy, in the name of vengeance for dissenting speech, if anyone still imagines these goose-stepping bastards are just fucking around.
Now that Major League Baseball has pulled the 2021 All-Star Game from Atlanta, I guess well see how many billions these thugs are willing to piss away in the name of adding a few extra spasms to the death throes of institutionalized whites-only rule. Personally, I get strong better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven vibes off Brian Kemp and his giddy minoritarian cronies, so Im not optimistic.
In fact, Jim Crow fever is sweeping through MAGA nation, alongside all the usual pre-existing conservative conditions, (racism, Covid, brain-eating maggots, etc.) with over 350 bills designed to curb stomp voting rights introduced throughout the country.
Texas Republicans are tripping over themselves to rush their own Silly 21st Century Electorate, Voting is for White People law onto the books, generating their very own corporate condemnation/totalitarian retaliation threat cycle; I imagine thisll become a familiar ritual as the country works through this whole Fascism or Nah phase.
In their defense, if you were tasked with re-electing the murderously incompetent Abbott/Patrick regime, to say nothing of Ted Already the Most Punchable Man Alive Before Fleeing to Cancún While His Constituents Froze to Death Cruz, you wouldnt want the citizenry weighing in either.
Another day, another attack on the U.S. Capitol, another Capitol Police officer slain in the line of duty, with one more injured for good measure. Dont normalize any of this shit, folks, no matter how often it happens.
Thats about all I can stand for one week, friends. May the Vaccine Fairy visit you and all your loved ones as soon as possible. Until then, I leave you in the capable hands of (trust me) John Boehner.
*One of the least pleasant revelations of the last few years has been that there are indeed people who are observably, inarguably shittier than Jim DeMint.
**An anchor that pays for sex
Maybe Letting the White Supremacists Decide Who Gets to Vote Isn't the Best Idea (F/SC)
Well, potty-mouthed masked bloggers arent quite eligible for vaccination in my neck of the woods yet, so Im still trapped inside with nothin but the news to keep me company. Short version: the racist shitweasels recently removed from power for being racist shitweasels have decided that their best path forward is to simply eliminate any non-racist/non-shitweasel citizens from the pool of eligible voters, so I hope you havent put your fascist-stompin boots in storage just yet.
(As always, pretty shiny new links here: http://showercapblog.com/maybe-letting-the-white-supremacists-decide-who-gets-to-vote-isnt-the-best-idea/)
Trump Spokesjag/Ruptured Anal Fistula Jason Miller claims his loser boss is looking to start his very own social media platform, which will totally work out better than the casinos and the airline and the university and the charitable foundation and the steaks and the vodka and the denuclearization of the Korean peninsula and the hydroxychloroquine and the rectal bleach injections, promise.
Its actually gonna be pretty great to just kick back and enjoy watching historys single least competent human being fail, now that we dont have to worry about hundreds of thousands of people paying for his malignant bungling with their lives.
Coming in 2022 from Disney+: Marvels OILY SCUMFUCK TEAM-UP! Multi-shirt-clad grease can Steve Bannon apparently hopes to ride disgraced sexual torture aficionado Eric Greitens back to political relevance, I guess because Jeffrey Epstein was busy. Theyre going to have serious trouble staffing that campaign, since anyone who walks into any room containing those two gurgling fountains of vileness instantaneously develops bubonic plague, irritable bowel syndrome, and leprosy, all at once. There is no mask thick enough.
Five years ago, I wouldve laughed my ass off that anyone would waste good money attempting to rehabilitate a scandal-wrecked trashpile like Greitens, but having lived through the Turd Reich, I understand now that shitty people capable of profoundly immoral acts are precisely the type of folks the seething, grievance-fueled Republican base wants in charge*.
Now that the shiny new Senate Democratic majority has had its first sweet, stimulating taste of accomplishing positive change for the American people, theyve gone absolutely apeshit over the stuff, aggressively pursuing their ridiculously ambitious and equally popular agenda like a ravenous mob of progress-crazed legislation junkies. Anybody out there still think Biden and Schumer are essentially Diet Republicans? Bueller?
Senate Republicans are right where they deserve to be, the collaborating bastards: sweating under the hot lights, defending the weak-ass excuses they make for their ruthless obstruction of the peoples will. Come to think of it, why DO they oppose all this good, good stuff, which the public clearly wants? Ask one, and theyll bloviate for hours about their vaguely-defined values, but everyone understands the real answer is simply, well, sure, but remember, were paid to protect institutional white supremacy.
However, if you use your Shower Cap Fan Club Decoder ring, you can see right through the bullshit. For example, when Georgia Congresscreep Jody Hice says Washington, D.C. cant be a state because it lacks a car dealership, (even this meaningless detail is a lie, by the way, because fucking of course it is) what he MEANS is, There is no goddamn way were giving two Senators to a community with that many Black people; shit, youre lucky we dont try to carve out six or seven additional Dakotas.
Another huge legislative battleground these days is, of course, voting rights. Dems want to pass their For the People Act, to protect and expand voting rights for all Americans, while Republicans, understandably, realize such a bill would bring about a degree of accountability that would force them to abandon their unpopular It is of Vital Strategic Importance to Further Enrich the Koch Family platform.
Mitch McConnell even tried his hand, er, flipper at Big Lie-telling, shamelessly insisting, states are not engaging in trying to suppress voters whatsoever, even as Republican legislatures across the country have introduced more than 250 new voter suppression measures, everything short of ythink we could get away with nuking polling places in minority neighborhoods from space?
Yertles feeble gaslighting feels especially sinister during a week when Brian Kemp, abusing the powers of the Georgia governorship he stole using every dirty vote suppression tactic in the book, signed the Jim Crow Snyder Cut into law. Its the most sickeningly anti-American thing Ive seen since...ok, January 6th wasnt that long ago, but you get my point.
Its now a crime in Georgia to give water to an American citizen waiting hours in line to vote, yes, the very line the state has done absolutely everything within its awesome power to lengthen, well, at least in the precincts where THOSE PEOPLE live. Thats the kind of brazenness a 6-3 Supreme Court majority buys ya.
Of course, no fascistic signing ceremony is complete without the spectacle of armed thugs, clad in the uniform of the state, dragging a Black lawmaker (state Rep. Park Cannon) away in handcuffs for the high crime of knocking on Kemps office door, a nifty bit of jackbooted authoritarian theatre sure to delight the increasingly radicalized Republican base.
Were talking about gun control, too, because fools that we are, we forgot to plan for the immediate resumption of mass shootings that would inevitably accompany any successful nationwide vaccination program; heaven forbid we use a year of traumatic isolation to learn to live alongside our neighbors in harmony.
Gun control is one of those issues where you really want a country where none of the major political parties is a death cult, ideally, but it seems that ship has sailed. The Republican position is fierce, almost religious determination to arm every single future would-be murderer, whether they intend to target dozens of strangers in a crowded public space, or just one special romantic partner, because the Constitution clearly states the Congress shall make no law infringing upon the whims of any rage-warped, pencil-dicked dude who has taken it upon himself to cut short some human life.
Ted Cruz, clearly rejuvenated from his luxuriant Cancún getaway, snarled condescendingly through all the well-worn talking points, deriding as ridiculous theatre the attempts of his non-ghoul colleagues to curtail the senseless slaughter his bought-and-paid-for caucus unleashes on the American public at the behest of his gun lobbyist masters. Say what you will about Cruz, even after four years of vigorously licking Donald Trumps boots, he still fellates Wayne LaPierres donor-funded Santonis with the enthusiasm of an intern on his very first day.
I see Tedward has some anaphrodisiac new merch for sale, and while I understand were in for a few years of cringe-inducing Trump impersonations from the 2024 GOP presidential field, one thing I can tell you right now is you cant build a cult of personality around a personality as inescapably loathsome as the one perched behind Rafael Edward Cruzs shitty, shitty beard. Cannot be done. That said, watching the most punchable lump of undiluted pomposity walking Gods green Earth attempt to inspire adoration looks to be a source of regular diversion.
Now, the Biden/Harris Administration has, to date, been a machine that keeps promises and exceeds expectations, wasting little time in rolling out the stimulus measures enacted under the American Rescue Plan, (got my check; the beer fridge is sufficiently stocked to ride out the weekend, anyway) and straight-up doubling their initial First 100 Days️ vaccination goal. The contrast with the previous regimes Whine All the Time While Thousands Die Daily record is...stark.
So naturally, Republicans are desperate to change the subject. They spun the Wingnut Distraction Wheel, which landed on racist fear-mongering, probably because every space on the Wingnut Distraction Wheel says racist fear-mongering. Anyway, theyre doing their damnedest to create the impression of some sort of border immigration crisis where none exists, because you have that kind of spare time once you formally rule out working on your constituents behalf.
You may recall this tactic from the LOCK YOUR DOORS SWEET JESUS ITS A MIGRANT CARAVAN freakout preceding the 2018 midterms. On the other hand, you may not recall it, on account of the way it failed so spectacularly back then; and I mean FAILED, like not just Ted Cruzs beard, but the mutant offspring of Ted Cruzs beard and Donald Trump Jr.s beard, a hypothetical anti-beard so shabby and sad, to look directly upon it would be to go mad.
Our old chum, vanquished insurrectionist Sidney Powell, like many a conservative rat corned by the law before her, took trembling refuge behind the Cmon Judge, Youd Have to be a Meth-Addled Fuckwit to Believe One Word of the Batshit Insane Garbage That Drops, Turd-Like, From My Lying Mouth defense, and shes certainly not wrong. Trouble is, therere a few more meth-addled fuckwits, willing to blindly swallow whatever batshit insane garbage that drops, turd-like, from the obviously lying mouths of known con artists than we initially thought. A few tens of millions more, actually.
I see the Hairplug That Ate Decency summoned four would-be Ohio Senators down to Marm-A-Lago for a rousing round of competitive groveling, because the endorsement of an electorally humiliated fascist lacking the mental capacities necessary to successfully close an umbrella is a desirable thing in 2021s supremely healthy Republican Party.
Wait till you see the obstacle course, campers. You know that thing where the dealership gives a car away to whoevers able to keep a hand on it the longest? Its like that, only with suckling the open sores on Donald Trumps carbuncled orange ass. Have fun with this life youve chosen for yourselves.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels phoned into Laura Ingrahams White Grievance Variety Sho to insist the lynch mob he whipped into a frenzy on January 6th was zero threat, which I suppose is more or less true, give or take 140 law enforcement casualties and 5 corpses.
But even Axis Sally shut the Deposed, Diminished Dotard down when he tried to bust out the ol Big Lie, probably because shes worried that once all these voting machine company defamation lawsuits are done with Fux Nooz, theyll need to seize that autographed copy of Mein Kampf Rupert Murdoch got her last Xmas to cover the damages.
Dear lord, thats more than enough for one week. Take care of yourselves out there, my friends, and may all your breakfast cereals remain generally shrimp-free.
*Because theyre Nazis, you see.
I Wonder If the Party Made Entirely of Hate-Mongers Has Anything To Do With All These Hate Crimes
Yknow, the new normal may not provide quite as much blog fodder, but it sure is easier on the ol mental health. The news cycle is all Democrats helping people, people lovin it, and Republicans freaking the fuck out because folks seem to prefer progressive policy to Blind Obedience to the Screeching Reality TV Man, which was, youll recall, their most recent official party platform. So grab a beer, lets watch the bastards squirm...
(As ever, if you want links n shit, click here: http://showercapblog.com/gosh-i-wonder-if-the-party-made-entirely-of-hate-mongers-has-anything-to-do-with-all-these-hate-crimes/)
More than any other prominent wingnut, Wisconsins Ron Johnson has gone Full White Nationalist, unapologetically spreading Tangerine Idi Amins fascist Big Lie at every opportunity, and keeping the flame of Trumpist gaslighting ablaze as only the Dumbest Man in the Senate️ can.
RoJo, bless his drool-sodden heart, doesnt understand why folksre mad at him for suggesting the January 6th rioters were cuddly, peaceful patriots who luv n respect law enforcement super hard, an affection expressed with bear spray and blunt weaponry, apparently. Not at all like those Black Lives Matter protesters, with their demands for equality and scary non-white skin.
Oddly, law enforcement doesnt appear to share Ron-Rons rosy view of the brownshirt ragewad that injured 140 officers that day, possibly because theyre too busy throwing the perpetrators in jail. From Proud Boys facing conspiracy charges to a literal Hitler lookalike, I dont think MAGA nation sent their best to the Capitol riot; oh wait, they totally did, didnt they?
Marjorie Taylor Greene has apparently declined to spend any of the free time that opened up when she was stripped of her committee assignments in the library, otherwise she might not have assailed Guam, a U.S. territory, as a dastardly foreign foe of Real Murica, although upon reflection, shes hardly the type to let such details diminish her boundless, ravenous hatred.
When Guams non-voting congressional representative swung by her office with cookies and members of the Guam National Guard, who risk their lives protecting the nation Marjorie works so diligently to destroy, she fell back on the bleating victimhood which is all shes ever had to offer, and all the Republican base seems to want from their elected representatives. Perhaps going forward, troll collective would be a better descriptor for this gaggle of mewling buttholes than political party.
Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell has become quite irate at all this talk of abolishing, or even reforming the filibuster, because hes not about to let something as silly and inconsequential as the will of the electorate interfere with his sacred right to prevent Democrats from cleaning up his murderously incompetent partys messes. So he threw a tiny terrapin tantrum, threatening to inflict even more suffering on the American people than the last time his party got fired for fucking up more or less everything.
Poor Yertle. Hes never understood the way the nations political dynamics shifted during the Turd Reich. He doesnt get that people take the responsibilities of citizenship more seriously now, that were paying attention to his procedural shenanigans, and learning how to fight them. Nor does he grok that theres no constituency whatsoever for the politics of austerity; just because his own voters can be placated with a steady stream of nasty tweets doesnt mean theyll submissively line up behind the Senate millionaires club as they cut their own taxes over and over again.
Well, fuck him and his obsolete obstruction playbook. I say flip him over on his back and watch him flail while we undo his contemptible lifes work.
A newly declassified report from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence says Vladimir Putin once again interfered in our election on behalf of a certain semi-sentient mound of lemur poo, and honestly, I get that. If youd invested four years in training your own personal pet President to crap all over his own countrys strategic interests, youd want him to stick around a bit longer, too; NATO aint gonna destroy itself from within, yknow.
Smilin Joe Biden seems disinclined to be so forgiving, however. Frankly, from Vlads perspective, hes more of a Sternly Scowlin Joe Biden. A Fuck Around and Find Out Joe Biden. Ol Pooty, backed into a corner and short on tools, actually challenged Joe to a debate, and let me just say, if youre reduced to such sad sack Ben Shapiro-esque tactics, I think you can safely rule out a return to superpower status, kiddo.
Once again, a shitty white dude decided he had the right to senselessly end a bunch of human lives, and, with a helpful assist from Georgias NRA-approved gun laws, moved effortlessly from instantaneous, background-check-free firearm purchase to mass murder spree with nary an obstruction, killing eight, including six women of Asian descent, the latest and most tragic in a surging series of hate crimes targeting the AAPI community, fueled by the racist rhetoric of right-wing politicians and media figures.
Texas Congressjag/Ted Cruz protégé Chip Roy figured a hearing on violence against Asian-Americans was the ideal forum to spout Yknow what we need more of? LYNCHINGS! and while I dont think its reasonable to expect good judgment from a grown man who refers to himself as Chip, I would also like to suggest that no, extrajudicial mob killings are not the appropriate response here. Or ANYWHERE, Chip, you lizard-brained dolt.
Speaking of dipshit Republicans flaunting their ignorance like a chestful of combat medals, Rand Paul picked another fight with Dr. Fauci, citing Pauls First Law of Highfalutin So-Called Science, which states any scientific conclusion, principle, or law can be overruled by an angry white dude with no relevant expertise, provided he bellows loudly enough. Honestly, Rand seems to get off on humiliating himself in public, and I dont think we should kink shame him.
I see the Deposed, Diminished Dotard phoned in to Fux Nooz to kvetch and moan that the Supreme Court lacked the courage to overturn the 2020 election on the say-so of the maggots devouring Sidney Powells brain. I dunno about yall, but Im really enjoying the hell out of the speed at which hes shrinking into virtual non-existence.
The American right remains utterly confounded by Wet-Ass Pussy, with Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallions performance at the Grammys serving as a grim reminder of the strained dissatisfaction permeating conservative bedrooms from sea to shining sea. Candace Owens went on Tucker Carlsons White Power Hour to share a meltdown over the scandalous suggestion that women are allowed to enjoy sex and also Dr. Seuss Potato Head Cancel Culture Blah Blah Blah Blah Id say wake me up when these clowns are done whining, but that would require cryogenics.
The Tennessee Historical Commission voted to remove a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest from the State Capitol, on account of the way he founded the Ku Klux Klan and whatnot, so state Republicans immediately crafted legislation to fire and replace the entire commission, because once you start eliminating the symbols of institutional white supremacy, its only a matter of time before the citizenry starts to demand better representatives than the subpar bigots currently squatting in our legislatures.
Rough times all around for monuments to loser fuckwad hate-mongers, as a Texas wax museum was forced to relocate their statue of Lil Donnie Two-Scoops to storage, because visitors kept punching it. I know youd expect this news to delight me, but the truth is, Im disappointed and saddened, that in these divisive times, Americans would desecrate the image of a man who was, for good or ill, our nations 45th President...without having the basic decency to inform me of the opportunity to join the fun. Shame on you.
A dozen Republicans actually had the fucking gall to vote against a resolution honoring the law enforcement officers who risked, and in three cases gave their lives protecting members of Congress from the lynch mob made up of their partys most fervent supporters. The ringleader of this shitty little cabal, Louie Gohmert, was upset, you see, because the language of the resolution was too mean to the terrorists. True story.
The rest of the Fifth Columnist Caucus, for the curious: Matt Gaetz, Thomas Massie, Andy Biggs, Andy Harris, Lance Gooden, Michael Cloud, Andrew Clyde, Greg Steube, Bob Good, John Rose, and, of course, Marjorie Taylor Guam. I mention their names because these enemies of freedom will be in the majority in a couple of years if you dont VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
An even larger clump of House Republicans opposed the renewal of the Violence Against Women Act, on the grounds that it would infringe upon the god-given right of convicted stalkers to purchase firearms. I figure during freshmen orientation, Kevin McCarthy must pass out some sort of of How to Expunge Your Sense of Shame handbook, co-authored by Newt Gingrich and Denny Hastert...or maybe the RNC just screens candidates for sociopathy in advance?
Seems you can kick the superspreader out of the White House, but cant make him take the simple, widely-understood steps necessary to contain the coronavirus. What Im saying is, theres a fresh new COVID-19 outbreak down at Marm-a-Lago, which has partially shut down as a result. I bet well be a decade into herd immunity, and this cud-brained fuckwit will still somehow manage to cause one last flare-up, in his federal penitentiary cell block.
While Republicans grouse and throw fits and tie themselves in knots seeking to placate the dumb and hateful, Democrats are busy getting shots in arms and money in pockets. The polling is playing out exactly how youd expect, but if the GOP insists on tripling down on their weak attempts to mimic their Turd Emperors manic culture war blubbering, I for one have no intention of interrupting them.
Wow, what a light week! There were several afternoons in 2020 that contained more madness, and I dont care how much it bores Ted Cruz, I absolutely adore this shit. Now Im gonna go enjoy a beer or three, not because I need em to cope with the inescapable oppressiveness of life under a would-be autocrat, but just cuz I feel like it. Stay safe out there, Shower Captives...
Joe Biden's Late-Term Abortion of Bipartisanship, & Other Tales of Terror (F/SC)
After a brutal quarantine winter, Im sure youll agree this weeks thaw has been most welcome. Actually, I found something really weird out on the back porch, once all the ice and snow had melted away. I almost didnt recognize it at first, but I think its...whaddya call it...I wanna say, hope? Is that a real word? Feels kinda familiar.
(Want bright shiny colors and nifty news links? Click here: http://showercapblog.com/joe-bidens-late-term-abortion-of-bipartisanship-other-tales-of-terror/)
Longtime readers are used to finding bad news in this space, here at the top of the ol Shower Cap Blog post, but were not doin that tonight, because YOUR Democratic Party, the team you fought so long and so hard to install, did a good, good thing. Passed a little stimulus bill, you mayve heard about it. One point nine trillion dollars worth of much-needed relief for our weary nation. $1400 direct payments, already arriving in some bank accounts, snug as a bug in a rug. Obamacare subsidies. Childhood poverty cut in half. A bonafide goody bag for anyone who cares about alleviating human suffering. Naturally, Republicans are furious.
Every congressional Republican, in both houses, opposed the bill, out of a firm ideological commitment to the belief that the millions of Americans who suffered for months under their partys murderous mismanagement of the pandemic should go fuck themselves with curling irons, eat their weight in buffalo shit, and compose a Shakespearian sonnet thanking Mitch McConnell personally for the privilege. And yet somehow these clods are baffled theyre losing the messaging war.
The bill is so popular, Republicans dont know whether to shit or go blind. They tried everything in their dirtbag plutocrat playbook. They offered to gut the bill in exchange for votes theyd never actually deliver, that old chestnut. They whinged disingenuously about the deficit. Shit, they even tried rubbing sheeps blood all over their naked bodies and shrieking about a potato-shaped toy for a week and a half, but alas, it turns out the American people prefer not suffering to suffering, the filthy takers.
Celebrity Medicare fraudster/Florida Senator Rick Scott, bless his pus-pumping, reptilian heart, actually wants state governments to reject and return the aid, and I confess Id quite like to watch, say, Ron DeSantis run for re-election on a bravely and principledly refused to allow the fire department to extinguish the blaze consuming your home platform. I was enjoying a chuckle at how weird and bad and generally anti-life, in a Darkseid kinda way, Ricks little idea here is, but then I remembered hes a Senator, and it doesnt seem so funny now.
Course, then theres Roger Wicker, who didnt even wait for the peasant blood he dips his old-timey fountain pen in to dry on his Hell No vote before skipping merrily out to take credit for the assistance Mississippi was about to receive in spite of his vociferous opposition. Honestly? Im so accustomed to Republican shamelessness manifesting as either authoritarian encroachment on constitutional democracy or naked incitement of white supremacist violence that Im inclined to let Rog off with a rap on the knuckles here, but, yknow...use a ruler, certainly.
So yeah. Great big bill, massive amounts of good achieved, promises kept, overdue relief delivered, so on and so forth. Not that youd know it, from the response in certain predictable corners of the political media.
Everybody loves the bill, Republicans, Democrats, Independents, because people need the dang help, yknow, and the take is not LYING BIDEN EMPTIES A CLIP INTO BIPARTISANSHIPS UNSUSPECTING HEAD EXECUTION STYLE, IMMEDIATELY FUCKS ITS SKULL, its the institutional Republican Party, partially out of fealty to shitty economic ideas that have failed more than the Cleveland Browns fused with the Washington Generals like in The Fly and definitely the Cronenberg version by the way; and partially just cuz theyre a death cult now, has decided that after careful consideration, they would honestly prefer not to help the American people during this time of multiple crises, several of which they created with their very own blood-stained hands.
Democrats wanted to help people, Republicans adamantly refused; what compromise was even possible? Ok, shave a trillion five off the total plus Tom Cotton gets to strangle a puppy on the Senate floor, and Lisa Murkowski will give you one vote you dont need? Just because your party got taken over by a pathological sucker doesnt mean were obliged to pretend were idiots.
Anyhow, the GOP got so mad the stupid new government acts like poor peoples lives matter that they stomped back to their state-level parties and got straight to work taking away their constituents right to vote.
Obviously, the problem here is that citizens were allowed to fire Republicans JUST BECAUSE they lost control of the coronavirus, killed hundreds of thousands of us, crashed the economy, and stood idly by while a game show host on an Adderall bender attempted to install himself as dictator for life. In fairness, I can see where folks thatre that catastrophically awful at governing would want to remove accountability from the equation, when it comes to the acquisition of power.
In Arizona, introspective Republicans reacted to their recent statewide defeats by offering up a bold new platform to win back voters with popular policies designed to solve problems and improve lives JUST KIDDING they introduced two dozen different bills limiting voting rights. One would almost appreciate the honesty of state Representative John Kavanaughs sneering insistence that Dem voters are simply of lower quality than Real Muricans like himself, were it not, yknow, brazen white supremacy.
Meanwhile, Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds signed the nations very first post-2020 voter suppression bill into law, earning first pick at the next RGA shindig, when it comes time to hunt the waitstaff for sport.
Seems even half a million graves arent enough to stop wingnut politicians from throwing deranged little mask-burning parties, in Idaho this time, where the loons went so far as to publicly revel in their successful corruption of their poor childrens minds. How are these clowns still throwing this tantrum, after a year of suffering and death? Its like being a volcano truther when youre chin-deep in magma.
Aspiring would-be Führer Madison Cawthorn apparently made a video of himself punching the crap out of some dinky, rotting tree, and I encourage yall to take a second to contemplate the psychology at work there. Seriously. Stop reading, get yourself a fresh beer, and really sit with that shit for a bit. There is no healthy path to the activity captured in that video, and I really dont think its safe to let the same brain that arrives at profoundly creepy decisions like lets go on a Hitler vacation or now I shall record myself beating up a dead tree make laws for the rest of us.
Meanwhile, the Republican Party finds itself on the brink of open grifter civil war. Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, demonstrating a genuinely impressive ignorance of the countrys laws for a dude who was President for four fucking years, sent a cease-and-desist notice to the RNC, demanding they stop using his loathsome name and pinched-butthole-mouthed likeness in fundraising appeals, because he desperately needs all the change from every sofa cushion and swear jar in MAGA nation just pay his legal bills. Fight forever, you evil fucks.
Roy Blunt became the latest GOP incumbent to proclaim Fuck No Im Not Sticking Around to Deal With the Consequences of My Craven Appeasement of American Fascism, announcing his imminent resettlement from the United States Senate to historys dustbin. Im told Messrs. Blunt, Portman, Shelby, Toomey, and Burr plan to launch a think tank together, the Neville Chamberlain Foundation, to train and advise the next generation of enabling conservative cowards.
He may no longer wield the power of the American presidency, or even his own Twitter account, but the Velveeta Vulgarian remains undiminished in one field, which he is likely to stand astride, a lone Colossus, until the fucking sun goes dark: losing in court. This time it was his campaigns defamation suit against the Failing New York Times that got thrown out, a reminder that during his time in office, he worked harder to destroy the First Amendment than the coronavirus.
We dont hear from him much anymore, (I guess even God cant ignore a prayer when it comes from everyone alive every single day for four years) so it was extra satisfying when Lil Donnie Two-Scoops popped up just to issue that sad, cringingly desperate statement, attempting to take credit for the Biden Administrations vaccine successes. Like, I get the blind devotion thing, I just never understood how they made it work with the most pathetic man alive. I guess I always figured those folks who truly desire the rule of a strongman would seek out, I dunno...strength? Obviously pulsating globs of unbridled insecurity are where its really at; expect all future cults to be headed by acne-scarred eighth grade boys with braces.
Tucker Carlson, who Im told is viewed as something of a paragon of masculinity in an alternate dimension where the dominant life form is a race of semi-sentient pork dumplings, threw a screechy little shitfit about how the military is just one big tea party full of sissies n cucks on account of the way they let GIRLS in nowadays, and even allow them to boss the menfolk around, in defiance of whatever inbred hillbilly god Tucker erroneously believes anointed him Archbishop of Manhood.
This earned Carlson, Time Magazines Softest Boy Alive for eleven years running, a series of public rebukes from the sorts of folks who actually risk their lives defending this country while some people stay home, comfortably ordering designer sex dolls with mommy and daddys fish stixx money. As an Illinois resident, I was particularly proud of the way my Senator, Purple Heart recipient Tammy Duckworth, stomped all over Liar Tucks pompous, sickly ballsack.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels own (acting) Defense Secretary, Chris Miller, made the entirely uncontroversial statement that his old boss incited the January 6th Capitol riot, which made headline news, because arguing about whether or not things the whole world witnessed actually happened is something we do now, in our extremely healthy modern society.
Exhausting as all this bullshit is, Biden, Harris, and the rest of the gang just keep on delivering fabulous news and sweet, sexxxxy competence. Now theyre saying vaccines will be available to every American adult by May 1st, and as far as I can tell, nobodys asked us to inject bleach into a single orifice.
Goods news at the start AND the finish? I better quit before we learn Congressman Gohmert pissed in the vaccine supply, making regressing to Louies right-around-armadillo-level IQ the price of immunity. Good luck in the queues, my friends; stay safe out there!
Oh, the Sharts You Can Shart, and Other Cancelled Dr. Seuss Books (F/SC)
Look, I certainly appreciate that the poo-flinging howler monkeys are no longer in charge. And I realize that it is not reasonable at this relatively early point in time to expect a political environment in which zero poo is flung at me by zero howler monkeys, but can we maybe have one week without poo, so we can like, wear our nice clothes for once, and then next week the monkeys can fling twice as much? No? Well I thought Id ask.
(As ever, if you want the shiny colors and informative news links, get em here: http://showercapblog.com/oh-the-sharts-you-can-shart-and-other-cancelled-dr-seuss-books/)
The feral assclown clambake known as CPAC came and went, headlined by Shart Garfunkels grand return to the national stage, during which he was barely capable of stumbling through a feeble teleprompter speech, sleepily working his way through the well-worn Time/Life playlist of his greatest grievance hits, like some sort of bloviating, deposed autocrat version of Rick Springfield, opening for Robert Mugabe on the state fair circuit.
And yknow what? Its already been forgotten, and Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot just waddled his powerless, Twitterless (but I repeat myself) ass back down to the golf course. That national anthem defiler made a bigger impression, honestly. But hey, if Lindsey Graham and his crew think theres nothing more important than genuflecting before this half-flushed bowel evacuation, it just gives the Biden Administration a bigger spotlight to shine on their increasingly effective vaccine rollout, so go hog wild, campers.
Speaking of wild hogs, Paul Gosar swung straight to CPAC from a convention openly and unapologetically espousing white nationalism, without so much as dropping his robe off at the dry cleaners on the way, and not one of his caucusmates could muster even a half-assed hey, cut that Nazi shit out, Paul statement.
In fairness, it was difficult to hear the GOPs Gosar silence over their total absence of condemnation of Madison Spring Break at Hitler Beach Cawthorn, following two newly published investigations into his past, which turned up multiple accusations of sexual misconduct on top of a largely fabricated biography.
Then theres Dr. Ronny Jackson, who, surprise surprise, turned out to be even scuzzier than we initially believed, but thats ok, the Children of the Candy Corn elected him to the U.S. Congress anyway, because he lied about their Turd Emperors weight that one time. Cool party yall got there.
You want to scream, these are profoundly immoral people who are clearly unfit for office and Republicans are all well yeah, thats kind of our entire thing now and you go man, couldnt yall have picked a less shitty thing, like maybe a really elaborate secret handshake and they say well we are thinking about adding armbands.
Anyway, dont want to shock anybody, but Elaine Chao, already a notoriously deviant fucker of turtles, turned out to be just as corrupt as any other Turdmaggot Administration cabinet secretary, albeit one with the common sense to avoid sending staffers on lotion runs. Are there any prominent Republicans left that arent Nazis, criminals, or Nazi criminals? That could be an amusing little parlor game, now that I think of it.
We learned Hairplug Himmler and the Empress Malaria got themselves quietly, privately vaccinated back in January, at the White House, but refused to receive the shots on camera, I guess because if you start modeling responsible behavior in front of a cult carefully constructed around the single animating principle that Behaving Like a Sack of Festering Marmot Anuses is Good Actually, it gets tougher to get em to rise up in rabid rage to murder your enemies.
None of this matters even slightly, of course, given the abominable atrocities inflicted upon poor ol Dr. Seuss, who was resurrected in a satanic baby-eating ritual by High Priestess Hillary Rodham Clinton, only to be crucified, drawn and quartered, burned at the stake, flayed, tarred, feathered, taint-punted, nipple-twisted, and otherwise CANCELLED.
Of course, outside the Fux Nooz fever swamps, in a magical kingdom some call reality, a handful of Mr. Geisels minor works have been pulled from publication, by his estate, because they contain (to put it mildly) racially insensitive imagery which is pretty darn difficult to defend, here in the 21st century. Nothing is cancelled, or, as Minority Leader McCarthy mendaciously claimed, outlawed. The Grinchs efforts to steal Xmas are, as ever, ongoing; the controversy over the desirability of consuming green eggs and/or ham endures; Pop remains hopped upon.
Still, determined to overthrow cancel culture like a common presidential election, wingnuts began frantically buying up every Seuss book that wasnt nailed down, rocketing the good Dr. straight to the top of the Amazon bestseller list, and steering a massive financial windfall to...the very estate theyre allegedly furious with. If youre wondering why conservatives are so susceptible to propaganda that strikes you as My God This Wouldnt Fool a Yak, I humbly offer up the decision-making process outlined in this paragraph.
Georgia Republicans advanced their insidious voter suppression scheme, shamelessly targeting Black voters with the surgical precision usually reserved for the decennial Gerrymandering Hullabaloo and Fish Fry, (Souls to the Polls on Sunday you say? Thank you for making your GOTV operation so easy to isolate and outlaw, LOL!) because these are the sorts of laws a minoritarian party passes, once it has decided that obtaining the consent of the governed is simply too much trouble.
FBI Director Christopher Wray, during a hearing on the Capitol Riot Which is Clearly Much Less Important Than This Dr. Seuss Crap, yet again debunked Cult45s favorite new conspiracy theory, that said riot was the work of antifa in disguise. Yknow, if these nutjobs were right, antifa could totally rebrand as an acting school, because some of these folks bring a nigh-Day-Lewisian level of commitment to their roles.
Obviously, Wrays unambiguous statements on the matter are only further proof that he is a deep state NeverTrump MS-13 lizard person himself, and when President Crotchrot is inaugurated for his second term, the FBI, under the direction of Matt Gaetz or Marjorie Taylor Greene or maybe just the soggy sweat sock next to Gym Jordans bed, will replace the entire agencys corrupted workforce with 22 Proud Boys and a meth lab.
Oddly, that inauguration did not take place on March 4th, despite the wild-eyed certitude of QAnon deadenders. Ah well. They dont seem to be tired of losing, and lord knows Im always down to chug another pint of their saltiest tears, so lets reschedule for sometime this summer, says I.
...should we give MAGA nation a collective head pat for getting through this latest promised rapture without building any gallows or storming anything? Im a big believer in rewarding good behavior, but I confess Im worried about ticks.
The feds are also looking into communications between the January 6th rioters and members of Congress, in case you were wondering why Josh Hawley got all sweaty n fidgety when Wray started talking about using cell phone data to investigate the insurrectionists.
You would think Governor Greg Abbotts ravenous thirst for Texan blood would be sated by now, but no, hes recklessly reversed his states coronavirus restrictions, taking a victory lap well short of the finish line, oh, if only some enterprising Greek fableist had thought to address such conduct. Anyway, people will die because of this appalling decision, but I feel like thats a baked-in cost Republican voters accept nowadays, being a death cult and all.
Joe Biden referred to Abbotts homicidal madness as Neanderthal thinking, leading to the sort of performative demonstrations of faux outrage that are surely the whole reason God made Marco Rubio. Im starting to worry some of these folks might be overworked; between screaming about potato toys and childrens books and now this...there are only so many hours in a day for high-decibel gaslighting circle jerks, yknow.
Ron Johnson figured hed slow down the passage of Democrats almost comically popular $1.9 trillion coronavirus stimulus package*, by insisting the entire bill be read aloud on the Senate floor, likely because he can imagine no horror greater than reading. Im not real sure why another day of WE DEMAND YE SUFFER IN THE NAME OF THE DEFICIT, O YE WORTHLESS DOGS headlines is desirable for these creeps...it risks eating into the Seuss narrative, if nothing else.
Fortunately, outsmarting Ron Johnson is about as difficult as youd think itd be, and at the end of the staged reading (the material was a bit dry, but the performers did their best) Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen simply swept onto the floor, proposed cutting the period scheduled for debate down to three hours, and with no Republicans around to object, formally thwarted Johnsons master plan to, uh, troll Congress out of helping the American people, I guess? No Moriarty is our Ron-Ron.
A little light this week, but I feel weve earned our weekend nonetheless. Hope yall are movin on up in them vaccination lines, friends. Until the happy day when we can all cough and shake hands and rub up against one another again...stay safe out there.
*You are cordially invited to keep on clingin to that dusty, outdated playbook, Senator McConnell.
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 629