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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 359

Journal Archives

Your Late Xmas Gift, the Chance to Laugh at Moore, Haley, Milo, Huckabee, Hatch, & the Rest of 'Em

Hello, Resisters! I hope whatever holidays you celebrate and/or are at war with treated you well. Me, I got a stocking full of BAT SHIT.

Let's starting diggin' through it. (And of course, as always, the post works a bit better on my site, with all the relevant links: http://showercapblog.com/laugh-at-moore-haley-huckabee/)

Everyone laughed at Albino Prune Orrin Hatch when he proudly accepted the prestigious "Utahn of the Year" award from the Salt Lake Tribune, because he only looked at the headline, while the article actually gave him the Wrinkly-Ass Power-Mad Jagoff We Wish Would Go Away Forever Award.

Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes is gathering a small but terrifying gang of Republican CongressFinks, sinister white mediocrities worthy of being cast as the bad guys in some shitty teenage soap drama, set in a prep school, starring the least popular member of a second-rate boy band.

They've swung by the Used Ideologies lot, and taken authoritarianism out for a test drive. They go on the teevee to call for the FBI to be "purged" of dissenters, because they don't believe Democrats have the right to enforce laws when it's Republicans doing the law-breaking. They're insisting the Mueller investigation, which has already yielded the indictment of four high-ranking Trump officials, including two felony confessions, is a "witch hunt."

The Pigfucker himself is allegedly preparing a report on all the "corruption" in the FBI, where agents are allowed to serve without praying to a giant butter sculpture of Tangerine Idi Amin five times a day.

These Treasonweasels are, in short, all too happy to whack away at the fundamental pillars of American democracy, while they fantasize about being made capos in whatever dystopia arises from the rubble. Keep both eyes on these fuckheads, folks. They're dumbasses, but they're dangerous.

Word on the street, or at least the cul-de-sac in the gated community, is that the Koch brothers plan to spend a few of the excess millions the GOP just handed them on a campaign to help the serf classes learn to love the ever-widening economic inequality chasm.

The campaign is to feature Kelsey Grammer delivering lectures on all the magnificent freedom that comes with not being able to afford health insurance, while sitting atop a large pile of rubies.

The Failing New York Times published an article that's frankly humiliating for any American who cares about their country to read, about Circus Peanut Broderick Crawford's imbecilic blundering on the international stage, where foreign leaders either tiptoe around him like a petulant rich kid who throws a fit when his ignorance is exposed, or feed him platefuls of empty flattery because they understand that doing so enables them to manipulate him.

I just want the next President to be a grown-up, that's all.

The Drumpf administration finally removed the last remaining obstacle to American Greatness, Excessive Protections for Nursing Home Residents! Yes, for those of you inclined towards elder abuse, the gloves are finally off! Go ahead and booby-trap that wheelchair, fines have never been lower! MAGAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jiggly HateBumpkin Mike Huckabee proclaimed that Winston Churchill and President Crotchvoid are basically the same person, and the whole fucking world roasted him for being such a ridiculous ass-kisser. Me, I can think of a few other Gary Oldman characters that would be more suitable for comparison.

You recall that Malignant Caveman Corey Lewandowski recently proclaimed his own hand to be God's Personal Gift to the Under-Slapped Asses of the World? Well, you'll be happy to learn Joy Villa has officially filed a sexual assault report against the Drumpf loyalist. Have fun being a registered sex criminal, Corey!

The Hairplug That Ate Decency broke with tradition yet again, this time becoming the first elected president in the history of Gallup's "Most Admired Man" poll to lose in his first year in office. Learning he's less admired than his predecessor won't both Drumpfy at all, because he is such a secure, confident, man.*

The President can take comfort in the Gallup polls he DID win, including "Biggest Traitor," "Most Likely to Ruin a Perfectly Good Steak," and the prestigious "Person I Would Not Piss on if They Were On Fire" poll.

Anyway, because the President is a coward, he won't even own up to golfing when he's golfing, hilariously dispatching a truck to block journalists' view of his golf course, with "I'M NOT GOLFING, YOUR FACE IS GOLFING" scrawled in purple crayon on the side.

Pity poor Steve Bannon, he's juggling so many racist ex-boyfriends it's like a RomCom starring David Duke and Richard Spencer, with our pockmarked hero in the middle!

Paul Nehlen, famous for being the only human being on Earth shitty enough to make Paul Ryan look like the good guy in an election, went FULL NAZI this week, to the point where even Breitbart had to cut ties, acting like Nehlen's previous work for the site was mostly fantasy baseball tips and stroganoff recipes, and they had no idea he was such a racist bastard. Sure. Whatever.

And then there's Milo. More on that in a minute.

Bloomberg reports a Russian-Oligarch-owned steel company is flooding the American market with cheap Russian-Oligarch-owned steel while American steel workers wonder where all those jobs Dorito Mussolini promised them went. America first? Well...we'll keep you in the top ten. For now.

That Omarasa person, recently fired from her high profile job as...Nobody Knows What She Did But Holy Fuck She Walked Away With a Big Ol' Heap of Taxpayer Scratch, seems to be vindictively shopping a nasty tell-all about the Drumpf marriage, including sordid details such as "How many drugs Melania needs to take before going to bed with her husband," and "What the President mistakenly believes the 'pussy' to be, and why he grabs it."

With disgraced former National Security Advisor Mike Flynn cooperating with the Mueller investigation of All Things Shart, Littlefinger's crack legal team apparently plans to paint the Turkish Delight as a big fat liar who lies, and also we barely knew the guy.

"You mean Crazy Old Man Flynn from the abandoned amusement park? He used to dress up like Florence Foster Jenkins, and insist on singing his national security briefings! Mike would fill his underpants with Fritos because he liked the crunchy noise he'd make when he sat down! We was onto him from the start!"

...good luck, Ty.

Doug Jones was officially certified as Alabama's next Senator, despite Former Judge/Noted Child Molester Roy Moore's pathetic last-minute legal tantrum. He insisted there was voter fraud, because what other explanation could their possibly be for African-Americans turning out to vote against a guy who had so many kind things to say about slavery? He also claimed to have taken a polygraph test, which, no, you don't ever get to see, but trust Roy, it cleared him of all wrongdoing.

Anyway, he demanded an electoral do-over, because he really really really wanted to be a Senator, even more than he wanted to date a Mouseketeer, and that was a whole lot, trust me.

Moore best move on, methinks. If he fixates on this Senate seat too much longer, he won't be able to find a date to the prom.

Anyway, you're a gigantic fucking loser, "Judge." Go away forever now.

And, in a wacky coincidence, Roy isn't even the only unhinged, far-right, pro-pedophile maniac getting humiliated in court today! If you need some laffs, check in on the editorial crotch-punting delivered to Subpar Troll/Wannabe Literary Superstar Milo Wedon'trememberyourname-o, courtesy of his own embarrassing lawsuit.

Proving the Republican Party of 2017 is entirely rotten to its very core, some Indiana State GOP CongressTurd wants a law where the Colts would have to refund a fan's money if the fan were subjected to the veritable holocaust of...watching a black man kneel in silent protest. So yeah, from the President down to the local water commissioner, these guys are freedom-hating fascists, and we need to replace them all, ASAP, with people who actually, y'know...believe in America.

Failed DiploBully Nikki Haley humiliated herself on the international stage, AGAIN, because it's kind of her thing. This time, the U.N. Ambassador was tricked by a pair of Russian comedians into commenting on the political situation in a non-existent island nation. Maybe I'm some sort of Coastal Elitist Snowflake Cuck, but I believe America's leading diplomats should be able to tell the difference between real countries and fake ones.

Oh hey, NBD, but a Shart House intern flashed a white power sign in a group photo with President Very Fine People. I'm starting my I WAS A NAZI INTERN b-movie screenplay ten minutes after I get this post up.

As I was writing tonight's update, SHARTUS tweeted "COME AT ME, BRO" at global warming, and NYT published a fresh, new, utterly nutty interview with him. So if you were hoping that your Idiot Manchild President took some time over the holidays to reflect on his weighty responsibilities, and decided to grow up and face them with newfound commitment and maturity...I have some bad news.

Anyway, that's all the gnus that's fit to shriek in existential terror at. And if you don't like it, maybe you should just TAKE UP KNITTING.

*BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH. Hoo.

I Think My Mall Santa was Bannon on the Lam, & Other Ho-Ho-Horrible News

The weather outside is frightful. And SO IS THE FUCKING NEWS! You thought you were getting carols? We're fresh outta carols. What we have is MADNESS, and we've got it oozing from every orifice. Sing about THAT.

(As usual, check out the post on my site...there're links and all kinds of fun shit. http://showercapblog.com/think-mall-santa-bannon-lam-ho-ho-horrible-news/)

How are you celebrating the holiday season, Resisters? The Dickens villains ruining our country are marking the season of love and brotherhood by sprinkling a little fresh fear and hatred on immigration detention policy!

Yes, Stephen Miller strapped on his red Grand Wizard's robes, climbed down the chimney in ICE headquarters and said, "HO, HO, HO! LET'S SEPARATE CHILDREN FROM THEIR FAMILIES IF WE CATCH THEM AT THE BORDER!"

"Now that I have your attention, gentleman," continued Miller, who at this point was observed to be wearing not a fake Santa beard, but rather a beard-like coating of rage spittle coating the lower half of his face, "I'd like to share my plan to KILL THE BATMAN."

Getting back to the demonic inhumanity of Drumpf's immigration team, have you met Office of Refugee Resettlement Director Scott Lloyd? This power-mad theocrat told an undocumented teenager in federal custody that just because she was raped that didn't mean she could get the abortion she had the legal right to, because White Daddy Knows Best and if you wanted control of your own body, you shouldn't have come to Land of the Free.

Fortunately, Lloyd was thwarted in his quest to make his own little corner of the world just a weeeeee bit more fascist, but Jesus Fuck, we need to get these creeps out of office.

'Memeber when Nikki Haley threatened literally the entire world? "If you vote against us on this Jerusalem thing...oooooooooooo you'll be sorry!" bellowed the Ambassador, and the world responded with one voice...or perhaps more accurately, with one middle finger, "Nah."

Well, Nikki's vengeance was swift and merciless! She threw a Friendship Party for herself and the seven countries swayed by her fearsome tirade! Anyway, Nauru got hammered and kept trying to maneuver Honduras under the mistletoe, and Togo threw up in the nog bowl, so it really wasn't much of a party.

Dr. Seuss's new book, Former Judge Moore, Will You Please Go Now! hit the stands this week, but PedoRoy continues to lurk, refusing to concede and helpfully offering to sign yearbooks for any child who wanders too close to his unmarked van.

Anyway, as he's being dragged offstage, hopefully for good this time, Alabama's Most Famous Child Molester is throwing one last tantrum, about Muslims and African-Americans being allowed to vote because of those foolheaded post-Bill o' Rights amendments, and also that Doug Jones has a gay son. Just droppin' a little hatred on the way out, like a drunk who shits on the floor of the bar when the bouncer tells him it's time to go home.

In the aftermath of Moore's defenestration, the rube-exploiting fiends over at Breitbart were all, "Yeah, we believed Roy's accusers, but we smeared them as liars anyway, because if we start holding politicians responsible for sexual assault, our Melting Sherbet God Emperor will get in trouble," which is so cynically evil it'd make a unicorn pony cry

Tom Hanks said he wouldn't screen his new movie for the Sunny D-Bag, because off all the racist/fascist douchebaggery, and also Hanks imagines Trump smells like hair tonic and failure. You sort of expect the Ghost of Jimmy Stewart to show up at Marm-a-Lago to give the President a wedgie while he putts.

Former CongressDolt/Current Ambassador to the Netherlands Pete Hoekstra got himself so thoroughly owned by a Dutch journalist that he's working as the dude's butler now.

Your new hero is reporter Wouter Zwart, who was all, "Hey asshole. Why'd you say that one super racist thing you said?" And Petey was all "That is FAKE NEWS and you should feel bad," and then Wouter went, "Here's video of you saying the thing you just said you never said, ARE THOSE APPLES TO YOUR SATISFACTION?" And Pete-O said "I actually never lied about lying this particular lie," because he doesn't understand what cameras do, I guess.

Cornered and humiliated, Hoekstra finally waved his hand across the reporter's face, feebly suggested that These Are Not the Droids You're Looking For, and scampered away, weeping.

Vanity Fair? MORE LIKE BANNITY FAIR, RIGHT?

Yes, that Pockmarked Prince of Put-on Populism, America's Gin-Sweating Sweetheart himself, Steve Bannon, gave a little interview. He's curiously cocky for a guy who just lost the Republican Party a Senate seat an Ala-frickin'-Bama, which is super-cute. He's like one of those baby demogorgans in Stranger Things 2, screeching at you from a corner...only drunker.

Bannon vomits up some bile in Jared and Ivanka's direction, and even says a few mean things about Boss Shart himself. There's even speculation that he'll run for President himself, presumably on a Livers Are For Cucks platform.

Jar-Jar's in a spot of trouble himself, with prosecutors poking around in his Deutsche Bank records. Hope they don't find those boudoir shots of Eric in your safety deposit box, Jared!

Mitch McConnell had himself a haughty, guttural, laugh at Darth Wino's expense. "That Steve Bannon, he lost in Alabama, he sure is a political fool," Yertle croaked, while gazing lovingly at the historically unpopular tax bill he just passed, the one that's about to destroy his party's congressional majorities. Glass houses, Turtle Boy.

Six inauguration protesters were acquitted of all charges, YAY!

The government was trying to convict them on the grounds that anyone and everyone who attends a protest where property is damaged is legally responsible for that damage, a genuinely horrifying assault on speech rights. NOT YAY!

The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, took a big stack of DoJ regulations designed to protect marginalized Americans, pissed on them with his tiny, misshapen elf dick, and laughed at having achieved another victory for his people, the White and Mediocre.

Ol' Beau was particularly giddy to be rid of the post-Ferguson guidance that low-income Americans shouldn't be burdened with crushing and illegal court fees, a practice which has targeted African-American communities. "Well shucks, y'all. If the American legal system isn't gonna keep minorities trapped in a cycle of poverty and imprisonment, why even bother havin' laws atawwwwwl?" Jefferson pondered, before injecting a mint julep directly into his eyeball.

Dutiful Oligarch Sycophant Mick Mulvaney seems to have taken the "Consumer Protection" out of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Since Scott Pruitt removed "Environmental Protection" from the EPA, Jeff Sessions put an asterisk next to the J in DoJ, and Betsy DeVos makes daily mockery of the "Education" in the Education Department, maybe Mick just gave in to peer pressure.

...or maybe he's just an asshole. That's prolly it.

Y'know, some folks claim the President is a raving egomaniac. But I ask you, friends, would a raving egomaniac replace the nation's motto, E pluribus unum, with the shitty made-in-China ballcap slogan he's personally trademarked, on the Presidential challenge coin?

...oh yeah. That's exactly what a raving egomaniac would do. Well, at least Donnie Two-Scoops' coin is precisely as classy as the man himself.

Corey Lewandowski, having surveyed the rapidly shifting sexual harassment landscape, seems to concluded "What women want most is for Corey Lewandowski to slap their ass, but they're probably just too shy and intimidated by my grandeur to ask. Thus shall I slap asses...unbidden!"

Somehow, SHARTUS is still consulting this Neanderthal goon for political advice, as he gazes in terror towards the coming midterm blowout that will replace his craven enablers with shitkicking Democrats. (With subpoena powers!)

The Failing New York Times gave us a behind-the-scenes peek at just how much Tangerine Idi Amin loathes non-white people (SPOILERZ: It's a whole fuckin' lot) and how angry it makes him that they are allowed to exist, in America, despite their appalling lack of whiteness.

He's also quoted saying some super-racist shit. Like, shockingly racist even after a whole fucking year of this cheap Ku Klux Klown shitting directly into our brains. So yeah, that's pretty fucking racist. And of course, Sarah Sanders denies he said anything of the kind. I imagine that denial will hurt Drumpf with his base.

Speaking of white supremacist dirtbags, I see KKKris KKKobach got cucked by a judge who says he has to share documents from his Kooky Kulling Kommission with...the Democrat that serves on it! That's right, KKKris wanted the appearance of a bipartisan commission, but without actually letting the Democrat participate, or even read about whatever fuckery the rest of them were perpetrating. Still, I'm sure their intentions are pure.

Government Cheese Goebbels celebrated his long holiday weekend by attacking the credibility of the FBI and some of its most respected senior officials. That this comes days after retiring Deputy Director McCabe testified to the House Intelligence Committee that he can corroborate the shit out of Jazzy Jim Comey's claims that Shartboy wanted a loyalty oath, is, I'm sure, the zaniest of coincidences. It's a freakin' Owen Wilson flick in here.

Hey, it's been awhile since we've heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk! Bill, you probably don't have anything for us this week, the country's so overwhelmed with holiday cheer!

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: That's frighteningly naive, Cap!

Hah! Yes it is. Well, lay it on us, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Cap, it seems a couple of concerned parents had to stage an intervention for their daughter...when it turned out she was dating a Neo-Nazi.

Oh hell, that IS awful. Only in -

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I'm not finished. The Nazi kid didn't like having his relationship broken up, so he shot both the parents to death.

I...holy FUCK, bill, that...that's....

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Hey, I asked to take this week off.

I see Santa sent Secretary Mnuchin a great big box of actual horseshit! This is newsworthy only in that it's surprising that this sort of thing hasn't happened more. Any time any animal takes a shit anywhere in America, that turd should be immediately boxed and mailed to one of the creeps in the Cabinet.

There should be a subscription box service to ship every American litter box directly to the Oval Office three times a week. Somebody get on that. That's what I want for Xmas.

Anyway, Smallhands Magoo has retreated to his chintzy golf course, perhaps giving himself an Xmas bonus in the form of raising the golf cart rental fees on the Secret Service, and congratulated his oligarch buddies on how much richer he'd just made them.

Hey, if you happen to be one of the rubes who still believes this crotch fungus cares about working people, I'd really like to discuss some real estate opportunities with you. Hit me up in the comments.

And with that, I leave you to your holidays, my friends. Next year, let's all chip in and get ourselves an early present: a brand-spankin'-new Congress! VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

Congratulate the GOP on their Tax Bill, the Pyrrhicest Victory of All Time. "Pyrrhicest" is a Word.

I think the nonstop insanity of 2017 has finally entirely overwhelmed the GOP. Having passed a universally-despised bill that will certainly destroy their congressional majorities in 11 short months, these delusional old men are partying like it's 1899, and they're all railroad barons.

Well, let's poke through the rubble, see if we can piece together just what the fuck is going on.

(And of course, the post works a little better with links, so check out my site: http://showercapblog.com/congratulate-gop-tax-bill-pyrrhicest-victory-time-also-pyrricest-word-now/)

Doddering Meth Addict Scott Pruitt blew a few thousand taxpayer dollars to have his office swept for bugs, because he is paranoid clown who thinks he lives in a spy novel. Yes, this is the same Scott Pruitt who demanded round-the-clock security, and a $25,000 sound-proof booth for his office, so nobody will hear the unseemly moans he makes when jacking off to photos of oil-covered wildlife suffering in the aftermath of the latest pipeline rupture.

Let me just lift this from the article verbatim: "Government officials have lifted the moratorium on funding for research that involves altering certain viruses to make them more lethal and transmittable."

Heh. Heheheheh. Too perfect. The least intelligent, least responsible, administration in American history wants to fuck around with germ warfare? Fine. Whatever. I lost my mind sometime in June. Bring it on.

...but if you happen to find yourself watching CNN some lazy afternoon, and Jake Tapper and his guests all seem to develop the sniffles at the same time, well...

So, some random maniac popped up on a Fux Nooz panel and casually mentioned that the FBI was probably plotting to assassinate Baron Golfin von Fatfuk because someone said so "on social media." Folks, there are people on social media who think the Browns are going to win the Super Bowl next season. And that's not even factoring in the lizard people crowd.

And it tells you everything you need to know about Fox that they didn't immediately ban this moron for life for telling a national TV audience that THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION MIGHT BE ATTEMPTING TO ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES BECAUSE YOU READ SOME MORON'S TWEET.

So the whole world hates Tangerine Idi Amin's Jerusalem move, and there's a U.N. vote coming up where the community of nations is expected to condemn it as the act of a Tantruming Man-Child Who Doesn't Know Shit About Shit, which it is.

And of course, Littlefinger and his stooge, U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, responded as any mature statesmen might, by throwing around empty threats like they're cheap gangsters from movies Joe Pesci turned down.

The great thing about alienating the international community is...nothing. At all. There's no conceivable benefit for America or any of its citizens. Still, I'm sure by the end of the week, the New York Times will find some dipshit who's never read anything longer than the patty melt description on a diner menu, and he'll think it's just ducky.

Failed Witchhunter Trey Gowdy shot his mouth off a bit about how FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe probably wasn't even gonna show up for his interview with Congress, probably because he was going to confess to being Hillary Clinton's corrupt personal sex slave and then commit ritual suicide in shame. And when none of that happened, Gowdy Doody was all, "Yeah, I guess I made all that shit up out of thin air. Kind of like the entire fucking Benghazi investigation. I don't know if y'all have noticed, but I'm not a very smart man."

Foreign Policy reports that alllllllll the way back in January, Shart House Counsel Don McGahn was going, "Siri, is it bad if your National Security Advisor lies to the FBI?" and the Mueller investigation has the records to prove it.

And WHOA IF TRUE because if it turns out McGahn went to Drumpf with his concerns about Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn that far back, the already-chubby obstruction of justice case just put on another ten pounds.

We learned that Decaying Frank Capra Antagonist Rupert Murdoch halted publication of a WSJ editorial highlighting Boss Shart's mob ties as he drew closer to clinching his ethically-bankrupt party's nomination. Cuz hey, if you don't report something in the first place, it doesn't have to be fair OR balanced!

Well, the Republican Party successfully passed the least popular piece of legislation in recent history, and, for reasons that escape me, they threw themselves a party. It's like setting the house on the fire, locking yourself inside, and popping champagne.

These dopes really think this turd will get more popular as time goes on. Like, when your dickhead boss drives his shiny new Mercedes to work next summer, you'll be so pleased that you got to splurge and get your tires rotated at your last oil change that you'll just spontaneously call Richard Burr on your lunch break to blubber your thanks.

Susan Collins, clearly nostalgic for the bipartisan praise heaped on her in the heady days of the ACA repeal fight, accused the media of sexism, because she doesn't seem quite so heroic when delivering fat sacks of cash to billionaires.

Senator Collins, let me clarify this for you...while our understanding of the concept of gender is evolving seemingly by the day, distaste for the fact that you're a lying puppet who sold her constituents out to the Republican donor base transcends any conceivable identity. independent of race, creed, color, or gender, all Americans saw what you did this week, and we don't fucking like it.

And the Marmalade Shartcannon celebrated his pathetically-late first victory with a round of his favorite pastime; forcing his subordinates to lavish flowery praise upon him like a third-rate, third-world Generalissimo.

And good gravy, were his craven enablers ever willing! Hats off especially to Mike Pence, who fondled the Trumpal nutsack like a couple of Baoding balls. Orrin Hatch bootlicked spectacularly as well, saying Donnie Two-Scoops is prolly the best President ever, because he somehow managed to get Republicans to cut rich folks' taxes.

Yeah, Orrin...that's some real water-into-wine shit right there. (Epic eyeroll)

I have to admit, watching these men debase themselves, groveling like servants before this loathsome, bloated, crotch fungus of a man...it makes me laugh. How utterly devoid of self-respect would have you to be to say what Pence or Hatch said today?

(In the background, Trent Franks wandered the party clutching a red Solo cup with "WILL ROOFIE 4 SURROGATE" drawn in Sharpie on the side.)

Anyway, enjoy the "victory." The nation hates the bill, and the fuckheads who passed it. Me, I look forward to watching Democrats run on repealing it, kick your collaborating asses out of office, and then claw Bob Corker's signature kickback right out of his greedy little pocket.

I suppose I should mention how Shartboy took a moment in his Celebration of American Oligarchy to tell Steve Scalise that getting almost murdered in the hail of a lunatic's bullets was "a helluva way to lose weight."

At least now we know why our President won't even ban bump stocks...in his eyes, the massacre in Vegas was just one big Jenny Craig camp.

Oh, and the Candycorn Skidmark bragged about how he'd "essentially repealed Obamacare," but nobody noticed, because he's just so dang crafty. No, you didn't repeal the ACA ya jag, but you DID ensure that you'll be blamed for the forthcoming premium increases. Nice work, genius.

Back in the real world, the former Trump SoHo Hotel wrapped up sandblasting the President's sharty little name off every surface on their grounds. What I'm saying is, congratulations, Senator Hatch n' Friends, for tying your fortunes so irreversibly to a man who is so widely hated that businesses are literally paying to back out of their associations with him.

Meanwhile, Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes pulled out of Ma Hackett's prized sow long enough to apparently launch a little side "investigation" designed to paint the FBI as hopelessly corrupt for investigating the President in the face of increasingly-overwhelming evidence that he and his team have broken a fuck-ton of laws.

Nunes is such a cartoonish little weasel, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that there is no pillar of American democracy that the Trumpiest wing of the GOP won't merrily knock over to protect their crooked God-Emperor. The dustbin of history can't get here soon an enough. Keep an eye on these fucks, Resisters.

On the other side of the aisle, Virginia Senator Mark Warner took the floor to say, "Hey Fuck-O. If you're thinking of firing Bob Mueller, you'll have to go through me first."

Be like Mark Warner. Stand with Mark Warner. Actually, just look up Mark Warner and tell him, "Thanks for standing up for us, bro."

Yeah, shit be cray, folks. I never thought shit would get so cray that a political party would throw a party for their own funeral, but hey...it ain't the first time I've been surprised this particular calendar year.

Robo-Trump Debuts, Corker Kicks Back at the #CorkerKickback, & Jill Stein's Turn at Last (Ferret)

Well, Resisters, I received a list of banned words and phrases from the Drumpf Administration, that I'm no longer allowed to use here in my humble little corner of the internet. Stuff like "science-based," "Roy Moore is a child molester who was banned from the mall," and, most distressingly..."shart."

...come visit me in the gulag, is what I'm sayin'. And visit my site, where you can find this post with all the relevant links:
http://showercapblog.com/robo-trump-debuts-corker-kicks-back-corkerkickback-jill-steins-turn-last-news/

CNN reports that Orange Julius Caesar lives in a delightful fantasy world where Big Macs grow on trees, where every day is Golf Day, and where Robert Mueller's investigation will end any minute now with, hugs and apologies. He seems to think he'll get some sort of "letter of exoneration," and perhaps also a trophy for Normalest Hands.

Don't spoil it for him. It'll be more fun as a surprise.

NBC says that the FBI sat the Drumpf campaign down last summer to say "Hey, just a heads-up, expect the Russians to try to infiltrate your campaign, and oh yeah, give us a heads up if any Russians swing by offering to like, collude with you, or hack into the DNC's e-mails or anything, cuz that'd be super-illegal," and Team Shart was all "Yeah yeah, sure sure," while Jeff Sessions was inconspicuously sweeping a stack of Russians underneath the office rug.

Considering how many different meetings-with-Russians these clowns have been caught lying about since then, this would seem to push the dreamt-of exoneration letter even further into Narnia.

An Amtrak train derailed in Washington state this morning, and Shart Garfunkel seized the opportunity to pimp his non-existent infrastructure plan, which he claims would somehow have prevented the disaster despite his administration's repeated calls to slash Amtrak's budget.

And after being chastised for not doing so in the first place, Drumpfy tweeted "Oh yeah, sorry about the dead people, I guess. Or wait, were any of them black? I'll get back to you."

Ted Cruz picked a fight with Mark Hamill, over net neutrality, I guess because he thinks sneering at a beloved screen icon is the best way to get his message out. Teddy's just the Da Vinci of Dislikability, isn't he? This is why, even when he was the last viable option against Trump in the primaries, he couldn't get endorsements from his colleagues.

Cruz and Shartcannon, Jr. made further headlines posing with some sort of giant cookie that had a crude Obama frosting illustration on it, I guess? Because "trollin' the libtards" is as close to policy as the American right gets these days. I fully expect "Owning Snowflakes" to be added to the official GOP platform.

Bob Corker, caught with his cheeks bulging with cash like a guilty chipmunk waylaid on the way to hibernation, excuse me, "retirement," was all "Hashtag Corker Kickback? What Hashtag Corker Kickback? I haven't even read that silly ol' bill, how was I to know about a last-minute change that'd save me millions of dollars coincidentally being added right as I flipped my vote without any of my demands being met?"

Ol' Bob imagines himself to be quite crafty. Anyway, he's far from the only prominent Republican slated to rake in a bundle of cash from the kickback that now so famously bears his name.

One of the dipshit Palin kids, I can never remember their names...was it Flarp Palin, or Thumb Palin, or Dopey or Sneezy or Grumpy? It doesn't matter. Point is, Cronut Palin got arrested for assault for breaking into his parents' house to beat up his dad, Spork Palin. Whatever. I'm sure you're looking forward to being lectured on "family values" by these COPS guest stars as much as I am.

Boy howdy, Jolly James Clapper sure did throw some hands at Baron Velveeta Harkonnen on CNN this afternoon! Drumpf is Putin's "asset," and Uncle Vlad is "handling" him like a pro, says the former DNI.

Sometimes he'll call up in the middle of the night and say, "Donnie my Boy, make me a sandwich. No one makes 'em like you, with your tiny fingers you spread the mustard right up into every corner. I imagine it must take you rather a long time."

And you bet your ass Donnie Two-Scoops hops out of bed and makes that sandwich.

Hey, if anybody was thinking about getting me anything for Xmas, you needn't bother, my stocking overfloweth with the news that Jill Fucking Stein has FINALLY been swept up in the Russia investigation!

Yes, the Senate Intelligence Committee has requested some documents from everybody's least favorite opportunistic meddler, and I bet they're not after folk-rock lyrics, Dr. Stein.

I missed the bit about how Government Cheese Goebbels celebrated the anniversary of the Sandy Hook massacre by inviting Shameless Death Merchant Wayne LaPierre over to the White House to enjoy a little eggnog spiked with rum and the blood of innocent children.

Matthew Peterson withdrew his nomination for a lifetime federal judgeship today, after a humiliating video demonstrating how he doesn't know shit about shit went viral. Peterson will reportedly resume his old career, Taking Up Space and Staring Vacantly Out the Window.

The Shart House will dispatch Ben Carson to Puerto Rico tomorrow, to survey the ongoing hurricane fallout. Secretary Carson is expected to nap, order people who haven't had power for months to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, nap some more, and eventually propose hollowing out the entire island in order to use it to store grain.

Susan Collins announced her support for the Make Americans Serfs Again Act, excuse me, the "GOP tax reform bill," all but guaranteeing its passage. It's tricky, pinning down Senator Collins' morality. When the ACA repeal bill would have stolen health insurance from 32 million Americans, she played hero...but the mere 13 million kicked out by the individual mandate repeal? Susan says that ain't no thang at all.

For future reference, Senator, it would be ideal if we could nail down precisely what number of ruined American lives serves as your decency threshold. Actually, let's start a pool! Ten bucks on 22,345,658!

Anyway, the American People like the bill about as much as they like the idea of Ted Cruz doing the Dance of the Seven Veils. Oh, and they want Democrats to control congress. And check out the gap on dat generic congressional ballot.

And now WaPo reports the Misshapen Traffic Cone toyed with un-nominating Neil Gorsuch for the Supreme Court for insufficient loyalty in the face of his various "Fuck the Courts for cockblocking all my mega-awesome dictatorship planz" rants. How big an ass do you have to be to make Neil Gorsuch the good guy in a story?

ProPublica has a fun peek behind the curtain of Scott Pruitt's EPA, where clean air is for CUCKS and decisions are made between Scotty and the Voices in his Head in the soundproof booth he's been busily decorating with his own bodily fluids.

And the Marmalade Shartcannon finally debuted in Disney's Hall of Presidents, an animatronic horror which sources tell me still has a number of bugs, including a distressing tendency to ask park guests to urinate on it.

So that's the Monday Madness, friends. I know it feels rough sometimes, but hey, since you started reading this post, you're like, four minutes closer to your chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS...and that's a wonderful thing.

The Corker Kickback, Pruitt Paranoia, CDC Censorship, & Other Madness (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Hello friends...as always, the post might make a bit more sense with all the links available on my site...click here: http://showercapblog.com/corker-kickback-pruitt-paranoia/

I know I say that Shit Be Cray all the time, but I ask you...with a historically unpopular GOP on the brink of passing a historically unpopular tax bill on behalf of a so-historically-unpopular-we'd-rather-have-Ebola President, can you honestly claim we're living in rational times?

The week's big news could be titled...ATLAS FLUSHED. Yes it seems Paul Ryan, his foot never far from the working class' neck, is finally ready to stomp and walk away.

Word is, once his Paying Poor People For Work Was A Mistake in the First Place, So Let's See What We Can Do About That bill passes, he will gaze out upon his country, at the millions whose path out of poverty he's just walled off, and say "My work here is done! Yea, though the social safety net was my own ladder to success, finally have I set that ladder ablaze! I've got mine, bitches!" and then he can drift away to spend the money he just redistributed to himself.

Ryan'll probably build a giant hedge maze, where he'll spend his leisure time pitting working single mothers against one another in races to the death, with life-saving medicine for their children as the prize.

WaPo dropped a hilariously depressing deep dive into how the Accidental Poosquirt's fragile ego prevents the nation from addressing Russian interference in our democracy, and thus from subverting future attacks.

Oh, what wondrous times we live in, where the crippling insecurities of one inadequately-digited buffoon threaten the safety of an entire nation! Excuse me, I need to spike my eggnog with something a little stronger. Like maybe ether.

Anyhow, the article goes on to talk about how pleased Vlad Putin is with fucking America up via getting a Rancid Chef Boyardee Ravioli elected President, and also how SCROTUS' intelligence briefers distract him with hand puppets and Arby's sliders when discussing Russia, so as to avoid a tantrum.

And everybody's talking about the hot new YouTube star, judge wannabe Matthew Peterson, nominated for a lifetime appointment by the cud-brained morons running our government. The video's really somethin', folks. Increasingly dismayed Senators cycle through the most basic legal questions they can think to ask, stuff a first year law student or even a zealous Sam Waterston fan could handle, and young Matt can't answer a single one. Take the following exchange:

Sen. John Kennedy: "Could you, if pressured, locate your own dick?"

Peterson: "No, sir."

K: "What if you had a map? Could you find your own dick with a map?"

P: "That's really not something I've been called on to do in my current post, Senator."

Betsy DeVos' Secret Santa got her a couple of shiny new lawsuits, yay! The DeVostator cannot be pestered to do her job, you peons! So what if you were defrauded by a predatory, phony, for-profit, "university?" How's an unqualified rich lady supposed to advance God's kingdom with all these whiny takers nipping at her (thousand-dollar) heels?

Having been thoroughly humiliated at the hands of minority voters in Alabama earlier this week, the Shart House announced their plans to turn around their colossally, historically, like-the-lead-singer-of-Nickleback-driving-an-Edsel-full-of-New-Coke approval numbers by...demonizing minorities! More than usual. On purpose. Because strategy.

President Skidmark didn't hesitate to do his part; when it comes to stirring up the petty fears and hatreds of shitty white people, well, business and pleasure overlap. The world sends America only their worst, he bellowed, the thieves and murderers, gang members and Dane Cook fans.

The Festering Hemorrhoid threw in a casual line about maybe pardoning Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn, because who doesn't like witness tampering, and also I guess 'cuz no one around him has bothered to sit him down and define "obstruction of justice" with any clarity.

Anyway, while Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot bellows about foreigners, American terrorists keep stubbornly insisting on being pro-Trump white supremacist losers, like the kid who shot up a school in New Mexico last week. How you can claim to be part of a master race when you still live with your parents escapes me.

And to think, some are claiming racism was a factor in Drumpf's election.

Roy Moore still won't concede the Alabama Senate race, lurking outside the courthouse like...well, like Younger Roy Moore trolling for the vulnerable children of divorcing parents.

The Washington Post reminded us that the federal government has essentially abandoned the people of Puerto Rico to suffer without power, because their skin is brown and their President is a raging racist shitbag. No jokes in this paragraph, because nothing's funny.

Hey, Scott Pruitt has been putting your taxpayer cash to good use, paying an opposition research firm to root out dirty deep state gremlins in the EPA. Who's he after? Filthy Resisters with traitorous beliefs like "the environment should be protected, and probably by us, what with the name of our agency and all."

I'll bet ya a shiny new dime Pruitt's gone full Howard Hughes in that soundproof wankoff booth of his. Sits in there is a pool of his own filth, screaming at the voices in his head telling him to recycle stuff, like a common libtard cuck.

The dude responsible for the FCC's repeal of net neutrality rules had amusing little troll at the expense of the overwhelming majority of Americans who opposed the move, engaging in an outdated fad dance alongside a known pizzagate conspiracy theorist.

Have your fun, bro. The net neutrality decision will send millions to the polls, and your life's work, as a willing toady of ISP megacorporations, will be undone forever by February 2021.

Princess Ivanka, chased out of most retail outlets by a wave of American decency, opened up a shop of her own in Daddy's building, where she'll have better access to her target audience; those desperate to bribe her infinitely bribable father.

Oh, and the Drumpf family doesn't even know how to vote. I swear, these people must be so inspirational to the dumb and angry. You too, can do anything you want, even become President, in spite of what ought to be debilitating mental deficiencies...so long as your father is rich enough.

The GOP finally congealed like so much Hamburger Helper grease around their Who Will Think of the Already Obscenely Wealthy tax reform bill, but the road to passage has not lacked for drama.

Marco Rubio stood briefly in the road to say "Halt! Gentleman and Barely-Tolerated Token Ladies of the GOP! What about the CHILDREN? Surely as we shovel untold millions into our aristocrat masters' pockets, we can carve out some savings for the poor, trod-upon, working folk and their children? You shall not have my vote without it!"

And John Cornyn said, "Eh, let's give 'em enough for one tank of gas per month," and Marco said "Good enough for me!"

Meanwhile CHIP remains unrenewed, with funding running out in some states beginning in January, in spite of the efforts of that Mighty Champion of Children, Senator Rubio.

Bob Corker, too, stood astride the Road to Passage, and said "I will not vote for this bill, for it violates my deepest-held, my most sacred principles, and if a man holds not to his principles...can you call him a man?"

Then, in return for precisely jack shit, Corker proclaimed "Just kidding! Voting for it after all!" Any future monuments to Senator Corker should be unusually flimsy weathervanes.

Well, maybe I shouldn't say Bob didn't get ANYTHING, he seems to be one of the many GOP CongressGrifters to benefit personally from a last-minute provision in their "reform" bill. But all that shit about deficits? Yeah, that was as disappointingly hollow as that gigantic chocolate bunny your parents got you for Easter.

If you need a port in the shitstorm, at least we won another one in court. Despite the best efforts of the President of the United States, women can still get birth control, whether or not their employer thinks they are dirty hos for wanting it.

The President broke precedent and refused to extend the ACA enrollment deadline, because he doesn't want Americans to have health care. HA HA HA CAP WHAT A FUNNY JOKE WHY WOULD THE PRESIDENT WANT HIS CONSTITUENTS TO DIE THAT IS SILLY.

Yep. Hilarious.

Going for a corner space in Authoritarian Tic-Tac-Toe, the Shart administration issued the CDC a list of verboten words, like "transgender," "diversity" and "science-based." My sources inform me this is a trial balloon for future Orwellian bans on words and phrases like "Impeachment," "Emoluments Clause," and "Holy shit the President's ass looks like Moby Dick in those golf pants."

Saturday evening, word leaked that Righteous Robert Mueller had gained access to all of Team Shart's emails from the transition (this in addition to seeking communications from Cambridge Analytica), even the ones where Jared begs Ivanka to please please touch his wiener, just a little bit, it's been so very long and it's his birthday and you promised, goddammit.

Now, the Shartkins had turned over a handful of transition e-mails previously, but did not seem pleased to learn the investigation had ALL of them, especially after so many high ranking officials have testified under oath, and thus likely perjured themselves.

They claimed executive privilege, which of course they didn't have, this being the transition, not the administration. Oh, and the e-mails in question were sent from .gov addresses, which come with a big fat warning that says they're government records and therefore no right to privacy can be expected. Still, they're crying that SOMETHING illegal happened, and hey, Sean Hannity and Jeanine Pirro will be all too happy to parrot the lie.

And I see Treasury Secretary Mnuchin popped up on the Sunday Shoz to lie about some stuff. The tax bill raises taxes on the wealthy, and the Mueller probe will end soon, and the next Transformers movie will win Best Picture. He's a real cut-up, that Mnuchbag.

Also, it seems like Sharty McFly and Uncle Vlad are closer than ever! They talk on the phone all the time now, gossiping about who gets to sit next to them at the next international summit, and Angela Merkel's terrible shoes.

Interesting times, Resisters. Hey, if you've read this far, I hope you'll click here and join me in signing up for updates from the Mueller Firing Rapid Response team. I hope it won't be necessary, but...let's be ready just in case.

With Moore Gone, Can We Have ONE DAY Without Republican Pervert News? Farenthold Says NOT TODAY

It is a goddamn miracle I sobered up from my Holy Shit AlaFuckingBama Elected a Democrat to the Senate festivities.

(As always, the post makes a wee bit more sense on my site, with all the links and wingdings. Check it out here: http://showercapblog.com/moore-gone-can-one-day-without-republican-pervert-news-blake-farenthold-says/)

Since then I have subsisted entirely on think pieces about What a Comical Fuckup Steve Bannon is for Losing Diet Klansman Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III's Seat. They have been so plentiful, I am engorged to the point of needing to unbutton my pants.

And of course Mitch McConnell has invoked Calvinball rules to avoid seating Jones until he's passed that tax bill everybody not named Mercer or Koch loathes. Everybody's posting videos of Yertle taking the exact opposite position when it was Republican Scott Brown who won a special election a few years back, which I find amusing because these people imagine Mitch has shame.

Anyway, let's give big shout-outs to everyone on the team who made this possible! To the women who came forward to report Roy Moore's history of abuse, to the journalists who dug up the story, to every Resister in America who forked over a few bucks or phone banked for the cause, to the NAACP for their badass GOTV efforts, to Tom Perez and the DNC for focusing on ground game rather than tv ads, and most of all to the amazing coalition of Alabama voters, especially African-American men and women, who did the actual votin'. Nice work!

...and of course, to Steve Bannon, for being such a colossal fucking loser. Alabama, dude? If David Axelrod went undercover in disguise to fuck up the GOP candidate's campaign on purpose, he couldn't have lost Alabama.

Let's also laugh at Cory Gardner, for his helpful suggestion that Jones vote like the dude he just beat. Long as we're fantasizin', Cory, maybe Ted Cruz' tongue will fall out and Marco Rubio will start shitting golden eggs. Good luck, bro.

I for one will miss Roy Moore's team of creepy idiot surrogates, who I am told will now form a touring theatre company that performs only a politically-incorrect musical reimagining of To Kill a Mockingbird told from Bob Ewell's perspective.

Godspeed, ye Giggling Lawyer, ye Think of All the Girls Roy Didn't Try to Rape Lady, ye Dumbstruck to Learn Swearing in on a Christian Bible is Not Legally Mandated Twit...you shall be missed.

Speaking of perverts, Sarah Huckabee Sanders promised the media a list of eyewitness accounts that would exonerate the Marmalade Shartcannon in the face of his ever-expanding list of sexual harassment/assault accusers.

After a tense Oval Office meeting in which she had to repeatedly insist, "No, Eric's stuffed animals do not count as eyewitness," Sanders belched up the names of a few randos, most of whom were demonstrably not in any of the rooms where the alleged incidents occurred.

In two days, she'll be yelling at Jim Acosta for not accepting the matter as closed.

I see Wilbur Ross has been accused of insider trading. If one of Obama's Cabinet secs faced similar charges, the world would've ground to a halt. In this environment, we're like, "Wilbur WHO?"

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand criticized Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops while female, thus bringing his futile, impotent, tiny-fingered wrath down upon her head. He tweeted something juvenile about how Gillibrand offered to do sex things to his all-but-imperceptible-to-the-naked-eye wiener in exchange for campaign donations, of course with his traditional layer of plausible deniability, because in addition to his myriad other flaws, the President is a coward.

Anyway, God only knows how much money you raised for the Senator, so y'know, congratulations on punting yourself squarely in the scrotum, Mr. President. Again.

That Omarosa person resigned, or was maybe launched by John Kelly via Looney Tunes canon into the stratosphere, leaving the Shart House without a...a...what the fuck was her job again?

Did she quit because Stephen Miller flew into a racist rage as the Alabama results rolled in? Or did she beg for a Cabinet post and attempt to storm the Residence, only to be ejected by the Secret Service? Rumors are abundant...but I don't actually give a fuck.

Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein defended the Mueller investigation before the House Judiciary Committee, which really shouldn't be necessary, but it turns out one of America's great political parties has devoted itself to protecting a cheap crook from legal consequences.

The GOP position seems to be that for anyone in the FBI to think badly of Shart Garfunkel is essentially a crime, and I tried a couple of jokes at the end of this sentence, but actually that's just kind of horrifying, isn't it?

Like, the idea is that Trump has the right to be investigated solely by boot-licking toadies like Louie Gohmert? That dissent is disqualifying? That Democrats are, by definition, ineligible to serve in law enforcement?

Rabid Howler Monkey Jim Jordan blathered about how the texts of a single, since-fired FBI agent prove that Mueller hired Tom Clancy to Wag-the-Dog up the whole Russia story from thin air to bring down a cherubically innocent Donald Trump. Now, it doesn't make sense, but it's pinballing around the right-wing media at lightspeed, and the FBI's villainy will be carved in stone within two weeks, mark my words.

Don't believe me? I have two words for you. Benghazi, and Benghazi.

Jimbo, the overwhelming majority of the the American people recognize Trump for the grifting scumfuck that he is. YOU are the minority.

Resisting Trump is so dang patriotic, the ghost of Norman Rockwell is painting us. It's like, bald eagles, apple pie, resistance, and baseball, in that order. It's just a handful of morality-challenged, resentment-driven ragebeasts like you left defending him. And as Virginia and Alabama have shown, we are right outside your door, pal. We. Will. Replace. You.

In a welcome rebuke to our government's sudden hard-on for authoritarianism, a judge dismissed inciting a riot charges against six Inauguration Day protesters. Yeah, with the government arguing that merely attending a protest where anybody else damages property makes YOU liable for rioting and inciting and god knows what else, I'm more grateful than ever for the Sarandon/Stein Hillary's-just-as-bad types.

The Government Accountability Office says Il Douche broke the law in attempting to withhold funds from a Department of Energy research office. Yeah, we're doing away with energy research so Darrell Issa can have more walkin'-around money. America's gonna be Great Again any minute now, I promise.

Speaking of cuts, Team Shart wants to trim more than half a billion from the Counterterrorism budget becaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuse...we're...too safe, maybe? Cutting the Air Marshals' budget? While giving corporations massive tax cuts? If anybody needs me, I'm on the phone with the Oxford English Dictionary complaint line...there's something wrong with their definition of "populism."

President Crotchvoid withdrew his nomination of Brett Talley for a federal judgeship for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that Talley is a former "ghost hunter" who failed to disclose his marriage to a White House lawyer and also talked about how rad the KKK was and oh yeah he's never even tried a case.

And hey, Smallhands Magoo drew a fresh new sexual assault accuser! It's like an advent calendar of perversion and horror. Wheeeeeee.

The two biggest idiots in the right wing fuckheadosphere (and yes, I realize that's like saying "the two least funny Marmaduke cartoons" hatched a little plot to bring down Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. They decided to frame Chuckie with a sexual assault accusation, cooking up a comically obviously forged lawsuit document, breaking some fairly significant laws in the process. Schumer went straight to police, so maybe these Dumber Than Jimmy O'Keefe How is That Even Possible clods will get some sweet-ass jail time.

Shart, Jr. testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee for 9 hours today, but sources tell me most of that time was spent removing a wad of chewing gum the bumbling manchild absentmindedly stuck in his own hair while trying to remember his middle name.

If the Drumpf administration is creating any jobs at all, it's in the various Cabinet departments' inspector general's offices. EPA honcho Scott Pruitt drew a fresh investigation, this time over his $25,000 soundproof wanking booth.

We keep learning more about how GOP CongressPerv Blake Farenthold is basically a Garbage Pail Kid. Will the party of "family values" force him to resign? Joke's on you, libtards! The only family value is tax cuts for the wealthy!

Oh, hey, this is neat! The Shart Administration won't tell us how many American troops are deployed in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria! It'll just be a neat little surprise for the VA when they show up, I guess. "Oh, we don't have enough beds? Those tricksy Trumpsters, they got us again!"

Well, the net neutrality vote is tomorrow, and the conference committee has their hastily-scrawled tax bill, and they'll rush to pass it before they've even read it (in fairness, that would require Senator Johnson of Wisconsin to first learn to read), so...we're gonna lose a few in the next month or so. The GOP still holds the keys, after all.

But when shit looks darkest, Resisters...hold onto Alabama. Hold onto Virginia. And the goddamn midterms are closer every day.

And shit is so goddamn cray that doctors are burning their fucking initials into their patients' fucking livers.

I'm gonna leave you with one Disgusting Awful Thing and one Heartwarmingly Awesome Thing. The Disgusting Awful Thing is, apparently the Daily Stormer has a "style guide." Gross.

The Awesome Thing? Joe Motherfuckin' Biden. Always Biden.

Wouldn't it be Great if We Didn't Have to Read About Roy Moore After Today? (Ferret/ShowerCap!)

Sigh. Just another Manic Monday, amiright? I wish it was Sunday. A random Sunday in like, 2009. Long as I'm wishing, I'm at a Tom Petty concert. With Gloria Grahame.

(As usual, this post'll make a bit more sense with links, find it at: http://showercapblog.com/wouldnt-great-didnt-read-roy-moore-today/)

Lindsey Graham seems to enjoy being the Velveeta Urinal Cake's golfing buddy. Shit, Lindsey's in paradise right now. In the old days, he had to convince a resistant public and a skeptical administration whenever he wanted to start a war, now all he has to do is kiss one vain jaghole's ass, pimp his golf club a bit on Twitter, and BAM - another generation of working class kids gets shipped to some godforsaken corner of the planet to die.

Don't worry, though! By the time you come back from North Korea with brain trauma or PTSD, Senator Graham will have redistributed 40% of the VA's budget to his donors! But it's sure to trickle down!

Word on the street is Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn may have been ordered, by President Shartcannon himself, to dress up like Prince and karaoke "I Would Lie 4 U" when the FBI came a-knockin' at his door, and that if so, Rugged Robert Mueller might just leave an obstruction of justice charge in a certain Melting Creamsicle's Xmas stocking.

Some dumb shit blew a hole in his own torso in a New York subway this morning, because terrorists don't recruit successful, intelligent men.. Anyway, Smallhands Magoo demonstrated his let's-unify-this-country-when-it's-attacked instincts by using his 2nd grade vocabulary to insult Don Lemon's intelligence.

Praise all the gods in all the heavens, the fucking Alabama Senate special election is almost over!

Roy Moore's last-minute push seems to hang largely on a Super PAC releasing a "Watch This 12-Year Old Girl Interview Roy While He Doesn't Molest Her Even Once!" video. Since the "Judge" is credibly accused of sexually assaulting a girl only two years older, let's go ahead and label this a somewhat less than deft political maneuver.

Oh, and a record surfaced of the Twice-Defenestrated-From-the-Bench Pervert, appearing on a 9/11 truther's radio show, talking about how much better the Constitution was before they starting tacking on all those silly extra amendments, the crap like "You're not allowed to own other human beings," or "You get rights even if you're not a white dude."

That's the thing about Moore. He's a child molester, but he's evil FOR A CHILD MOLESTER. In a room full of child molesters, he'd be the worst person there.

Anyway, the election is tomorrow. A Fox poll shows Jones up 10. But Emerson College has the Pedophile by 9. An NBC/Marist survey insists the seat will be won by a surprise write-in campaign for an ancient Mayan deity that will rise from the ocean ten minutes before polls open, gathering mesmerized acolytes as it marches on Mobile.

Point is, nobody seems to know what the fuck is gonna happen. Maybe it'll all come down to whether or not there are any actual Christians in the Alabama Evangelical voting bloc.

Nebraska RNC committeewoman Joyce Simmons resigned because of FundingAGoddamnChildMolesterGate. And for a moment, you think, "Damn, how heroic," and it is. But then you think, "How come out of the whole dang Republican Party, I'm only hearing about ONE member quitting over Judge Banned-from-the-mall?

So, three prime specimens of white supremacist manhood allegedly planned to bomb a mosque in western Kansas, and now they're bitching that their rights are being violated cuz they can't pack the jury with Trump voters.

Yeah, that's a real thing that's happening in America. Shitty White Terrorists looking to handpick supporters of our President to sit in judgment, in the belief that they'll go, "Blowing up a Mosque? Call me when somebody does something WRONG!"

Sleep tight!

Asked to defend his party's horsehit tax reform bill, Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag released a one-page "analysis" claiming fantastical levels of growth achieved primarily by elves making shoes while we are asleep.

Sources say the reverse side of the single sheet of paper contained Louise Linton's shopping list, including disturbingly large quantities of mushroom soup, adult diapers, and turkey necks, raising questions about America's Crappiest Aristocratic Couple's sex life.

Didja see where Emmanuel Macron passed out massive grants to top climate scientists, many of them American, to relocate to France? Truly, now that our leading minds are being poached by foreign nations, we can at last say we are Great Again.

Hey, Emmanuel, if you felt like opening a similar competition for shrieking, blockheaded, conspiracy theorists...we've got a few we can spare.

The military announced it would obey a court order to admit transgender troops starting January 1st, yet another reminder that Il Douche is an ineffective clod who loses all the time, because he's like the Washington Generals of Presidents.

Four of the women who have accused Confessed Serial Sexual Assaulter Donald J. Trump (The "J" stands for "Billy Bush Stooged Me Out, the Fink" re-stated their cases in the media today, thus reminding us that our President, in addition to being an unhinged, narcissistic, buffoon, is also a disgusting gropey perv who bragged about how owning a beauty pageant allowed him to ogle naked teenagers.

Nikki Haley went so far as to say the women accusing her What-if-Jabba-the-Hutt-were-made-of-Circus-Peanuts Boss "should be heard," which allegedly sent said W-i-J-t-H-w-m-o-C-P Boss into the sort of rage usually reserved for journalists who remind him Barack Obama drew larger crowds.

Oh Nikki, don't you know that helping the President avoid accountability is the sole function of the executive branch of the United States government these days?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted any pussies grabbed before November 8, 2016 don't count, because the Republican electorate's lack of morality somehow exonerates Drumpf, which is certainly a novel bit of ethical and legal theorizing.

Surly Spice then sneered at the assembled press for a while over their uppity question-asking and occasional-mistake-making, before retreating to her office to play with her desktop ant farm, roasting with a magnifying glass several ants she's named after White House correspondents.

Tangerine Idi Amin, who did not understand he had to hire his own White House staff, who couldn't find the fucking LIGHT SWITCHES for several days, decided he's gonna put a man on the moon, maybe ever Mars. Baby steps, Old Man. Maybe learn how to tie a tie at an appropriate length before tackling space travel.

A judge ordered Indicted Turdweasel Paul Manafort to obey his gag order, and stop sneaking around, writing op-eds about how innocent and handsome Paul Manafort is. He was further ordered to eat his peas and clean his room.

Pity the poor journalists at the Failing New York Times who had to spend so much time documenting the various revolting escapades of grotesque CongressDegenerate Blake Farenthold. Jesus, I can't even picture that dude without retching.

Anyway, if you need a little pick-me-up to get through the long, lonely hours before the polls close in Alabama, how 'bout rolling around in this data about Americans running away from the Republican Party like a dookie in a public pool?

Ok, Resisters, that's enough for tonight. Nothing left to do but wait and see if voters will send a pedophile to Washington to make laws for the rest of us.

...2017, you're exhausting.

Kickstarting Trent Franks' Baby, Steve King Goes Full Klansman, & Other News (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Hey folks. As per usual, you can find the post with all the relevant link included on my humble site: http://showercapblog.com/kickstarting-trent-franks-baby-steve-king-goes-full-klansman-news/

We're about due for a news slowdown aren't we? We certainly fucking deserve it.

What's that? Obama's giving "Wake the fuck up before we wind up like Nazi Germany" speeches?

Well...maybe shit'll slow down next week. Let's round up the madness so we can start drinking early, shall we?

When Malfunctioning Robert Mitchum Clone Trent Franks' getting-out-in-front-of-the-story version of events was "I asked some nice ladies in my office to serve as surrogates so I could expand my beautiful family and I guess they took offense," you just KNEW the actual truth was gonna be some Todd Solondz shit, and ewwwwwwwww...Trent did not disappoint.

I know the rules seem to be changing pretty rapidly these days, dudes, but chasing your staff around, shouting FUCK ME FOR MONEY AND MAKE ME A BABY would've been out of bounds even for Roger Sterling.

Did you know that Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is an amateur magician? With John Conyers resigning in pervy shame from his safely Democratic Detroit district, Snyder waved a wand and made the Michigan 13th's representation in Washington disappear for almost a whole year! Tip your wait staff!

The screechiest loons in right wing media continue their mission to paint the Mueller investigation as unforgivably biased against the President, what with their rigid "pro-truth" and "anti-crime" positions. "Judge" Jeanine Pirro stands out even in the sea of raging authoritarians, acting like she's on a new season of The Apprentice where the winner gets their own concentration camp.

Hey, we found some voter fraud, KKKris KKKobach will be so pleased! What's that? It was the former chairman of the Colorado GOP? He tried to steal his ex-wife's vote? He was easily caught and convicted? Well THAT doesn't fit the narrative! NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG!

Celebrity Stool Pigeon George Papaderpaderp has himself a fiancÚ, and she wants you to know her pockmarked Romeo is no coffee boy! Nope, he knew everybody who was anybody on the Shart campaign, and good golly did he ever pass a shit-ton of information on to investigators!

Speaking of, Hope Hicks enjoyed a relaxing two-day excursion to Bob Mueller's Spa and Collusion Investigation. If anybody knows enough to bring the Sunny D-Bag down, it's Hicks, so it's nice to fantasize that she had so many beans to spill it took multiple sittings. And if not, well...then she's probably lied to the FBI under oath, and that's fun, too.

In the aftermath of the Diminutive-Dicked Dotard's puddingheaded Jerusalem decision, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told Mike Pence where he could stick his proposed meeting, which sexually aroused Pence so much he had to excuse himself to fuck the small cactus he keeps on his desk for just such emergencies. Anyway, another diplomatic blemish for Team Bull in a China Shop, yay!

Puerto Rico remains in crisis, abandoned and forgotten by President focused on shrieking at reporters and cutting his own taxes. Oh, and the government is drastically underestimating the death toll, so Dorito Mussolini doesn't look bad. Shit, you'd think more dead brown people would play WELL with his base. I bet Bannon's off the wall at that missed opportunity.

Obviously Subpar Loudmouth Steve King spread some white nationalist garbage about diversity being bad, because he doesn't want to dilute his Mediocre White Guys Whining About Everything "culture." King's gonna start wearing jodhpurs on the House floor before too long.

We've learned the disastrous Niger raid that claimed the lives of four American soldiers in Niger was preventable, and the result of reckless, unnecessary fuck-ups. I'm sure Gowdy Doody and his Republican chums will dutifully apply the same investigative rigor to this tragedy as they did to the Benghazi incident. Precedent teaches us that these mistakes will render a whole lot of officials, all the way up to Cabinet secretaries, unfit for public office, right? RIGHT, TREY?

The Candycorn Skidmark went a few days without tweeting the country to the brink of nuclear war, so General Kelly let him out of his crate for ice cream and a Klan rally.

He said some shitty things to a roomful of shitty people, and asked them to vote for a child molester, and got to pretend that filling up a small arena with spittle-drenched, jacked-up-on-resentment-and-meth morons means the whole country loves him and wants to give him a handjob, before retreating to the safety of the bubble he cowers in, so afraid of criticism that he won't attend the Correspondent's Dinner or meet Nobel Prize winners.

The Failing New York Times pulled back the curtain to reveal just precisely how America's most horrifyingly powerful toddler spends his time. He watches television all day while gorging on junk food, as everyone around him tries to pacify his entitled rich-boy tantrums.

He is, in short, all four of the shitty kids in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory rolled into one giant man-baby.

Other big takeaways are that SCROTUS mainlines Diet Coke all day long, and somebody over at the Grey Lady is REALLY proud of the "Twitter is his Excalibur" line.

Hey, look! Mick Mulvaney took a bunch of money from predatory payday lenders and pressured the CFPB to take it easy on those poor, much-maligned predatory payday lenders, and now he's running the whole CFPB! Don't forget, Mick says, "Consumer" is just a fancy word for "peasant!"

Rick Perry and His Smart Guy Glasses want to throw some taxpayer money at coal plants for absolutely no good reason, driving up electricity prices in the process. Yup yup. The free market (which I feel I've heard the odd Republican praise here and there) is killing the coal industry, replacing it with cheaper, cleaner alternatives, so we need to just give Coal some of your money. SMALL GOVERNMENT!

Award-winning diplomat Elizabeth Shackelford (I didn't know diplomats had awards. What are they called? The Foggy's?) resigned from Rex Tillerson's (community theatre version of a) State Department, leaving behind a HOLY BALLS STOP FUCKING UP THE WORLD, YOU MORONS letter.

And RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel stopped using the "Romney" part of her name at the President's request, because he is a very secure man who in no way spends every waking moment in terror that people see him for the worthless inadequate fraud he is.

With the special Senate election just around the corner, Frank Luntz gathered what you'd like to believe are abnormally shitty Alabama Republicans, but who are actually probably depressingly typical. AND JESUS WEPT.

Anyway, if you've been thinking of getting serious about misanthropy, this video is a great place to start. Holy fuck, these people are awful. I can't decide who's worse, the "Moore's accusers are filthy evil lying sluts who were probably paid" contingent, or the "Heck, parents were probably lining up to have their children molested by Ol' Roy!" fellah?

Alabama's other Senator, Richard Shelby, popped up on the Sunday Shoz, taking e the surprisingly controversial "No, I Won't For a Pedophile" position.

Shelby, apparently having forgotten who his party chose from a field of 427 just a year ago, insists that Republicans "can do better," before dissolving into tears, blubbering, "We coulda had Pataki! PATAKIIIIIIIIII!!!!"

Well, we all know nothing makes The Bloat madder than impugning the size of his crowds, (certainly not Puerto Ricans dying for lack of access to clean water or electricity) so when WaPo's Dave Weigel tweeted a photo that failed to show his gathering of frothy RageYokels at full capacity, he lost his shit.

Having been told in no uncertain terms by his staff that he could not have Weigel polonium-210'd, he demanded an apology, which he got. "Not good enough," bellowed Wannabe Pol Pot, "He must be fired! And I'd really like to waterboard him, just a little, you never let me have any fun, General!"

Hey, if we're gonna establish "misrepresenting crowd size" as a firing offense, I'm generally for it, but maybe the President of These United States shouldn't be attacking individual journalists? I seem to remember some sort of oath about upholding the Constitution? I know, I know...I'm a cuck.

Anyway, if you're gonna hate Weigel, hate him for glorifying Prog Rock*. Careful Donnie...Dave might show up one sunny morning on the White House lawn...driving Tarkus.

So yeah, shit remains utterly cray. We'll get that slow news week sometime...right? Let me leave you with some good gnus: Susan Collins is back to undecided on the tax bill. C'mon Resisters! Get on the phone and sink this monstrosity to the bottom of the motherfuckin' ocean! We did it before, we can do it again!

*I actually love Prog. I just wanted to link to Tarkus. What's the good of having a blog if you can't bring up Tarkus when the opportunity arises?

Another Insane Day, But Let's Thank Trent Franks for Making it Nauseating (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Holy hell, folks. As this blog has documented, shit has been good and thoroughly cray-cray for some time now, and that was when the Man with Phalangeal Stunting could get through a short public speech without slurring his words like a bridesmaid singing Total Eclipse of the Heart at the third karaoke bar of the bachelorette party.

(As always, the post will make more sense with links, at my site: http://showercapblog.com/another-insane-day-lets-thank-trent-franks-pushing/)

Take a moment to congratulate Littlefinger on getting his wish, and being mentioned in the Time Magazine Person of the Year article, albeit as an accused sexual abuser. With a little creative redaction, I'm sure you can use this to fill those embarrassing blank spaces on your golf club walls, Donnie!

Holy Christ on Toast, Mike Flynn is in TRUBBLE. Elijah Cummings released info from a whistleblower about how Flynn was super eager to move on sanctions against Russia LIKE A BITCH so he and his corrupt buddies could make enough money to feel like Martin Scorsese characters, in the middle of the movie, before the helicopters come.

Friends, between this and the Let's Kidnap a Turkish Dissenter for Fun and Profit scheme, we know so damn much about Mike Flynn's crimes that I get positively HORNY thinking about what he must've given Bob Mueller to plea down to a mere lying to the FBI charge.

Over in the House, Gowdy Doody declined to investigate any issues arising from Cummings' whistleblower info, on the grounds that he didn't see a way to damage any potential Democratic Presidential candidacy.

Paul Ryan doesn't even have a final tax bill yet, and he's already drooling all over his suit at the thought of cutting Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security. Come January, he'll be in your kitchen, picking the marshmallows out of your kids' Lucky Charms.

Me, I wouldn't count my chickens, Paulie. With blue state Republican congressmonsters suddenly realizing their constituents aren't likely to enjoy their shiny new tax increases, and your caucus shrinking from sexual assault resignations (more on that in a bit), you're not out of the woods yet. You're actually in the middle of the woods. Next to that gingerbread house. Go ahead, take a bite.

Plus, it appears the bill Rand Paul and Ron Johnson wrote in the middle of the night after snorting Pop Rocks out of Marco Rubio's ass crack has a few teeeeeeeeny tiny mistakes.

Well, one big mistake, mostly. A $289 billion mistake, regarding the corporate Alternative Minimum Tax. While they can sort this out in committee, what they can't do now is give up and just pass the Senate version in the House, which means they have to actually follow through on the hollow promises they made Susan Collins, or risk losing her vote.

Somebody even slipped in a provision making it legal to kidney-punch Tom Cotton if you encounter him in the hallway, but the conference committee is expected to keep that amendment intact.

Point is, this thing ain't over yet, Resisters! Call you CongressThing!

James O'Keefe won a journalism award from Clarence Thomas' wife, at a Trump Hotel, because the news is just Far Right Lunatic Mad Libs now. Learn to love it. Tomorrow we'll learn that Seb Gorka married Pepe the Frog in Benghaaaaaazi!!!!!!!

In Kentucky, David Ermold announced his campaign to run against Kim Davis on the radical platform of actually doing the fucking job. Davis famously denied Ermold a marriage certificate on the grounds that her religious beliefs center around God finding it tremendously important for her to be a raging jagoff to strangers.

The Shart Administration was all set to cut a program that helped those GREEDY BLOODSUCKING TICK TAKERS, homeless veterans, but were shamed out of it. It's always interesting when we actually find a wall in the sea of seemingly-boundless fuckery, isn't it? I'm still surprised Tom Price was forced out.

Finally responding to two of the largest, most horrific mass shootings in American history, the House GOP voted to make it easier for violent fuckheads to keep their firearms concealed right up to the moment when they start murdering folks. I feel safer already.

In related news, House Republicans also passed a bill to combat raging southern California wildfires by having airplanes drop payloads full of gasoline and kindling over affected areas.

Shart, Jr. testified before the House Intelligence Committee, but he claimed attorney/client privilege on his conversations with daddy, because there were maybe some attorneys around too, which is...not how this shit works. Sources say he also flirted with the idea of hiding behind Donut/Client privilege, because there was a half-eaten fritter on the table, but Ivanka slapped him and called him a dumbass.

Hey, what's Ryan Zinke up to these days? Spending our money and demonstrating that he doesn't know how a fishing rod works, it seems. Such a cowboy.

Corey Lewandowski went on television in front of the entire fucking world to talk about how he steamed Shart Garfunkel's pants while he was wearing them, an act so pathetic I can't bring myself to disparage him any further*.

Anyway, "Lewandowski steam pants" is now in my search history, so y'know, thanks for whatever weird targeted ads I get now, Corey.

Erik Prince's testimony before the House Intelligence Committee was released, and oh my, Mr. P seems very smug that comeuppance is for lesser (poorer) men than he. We shall see, chum. I'm sure Mueller has your number.

For a supposedly law-and-order party, the GOP is sure is going hard at the FBI these days, aren't they? From the President down to his slobbering Igors in the right wing media, conservatives are desperate to paint Drumpf's investigators as hopelessly corrupt Clinton sympathizers who probably didn't even watch the Apprentice, such is their appalling lack of patriotism.

It's almost like they know what's coming and they're shitting their pants in terror and their last desperate hope is undermining the American people's faith in their entire law enforcement system and if that damages the foundation of our democracy, well...at least it was all for a guy who charges the Secret Service to piss.

Special shout out to Louie Gohmert, for finally answering one of life's great mysteries, "What if Joe McCarthy had cartoon ears and the brain of a Dr. Scholl's insert?"

Paul Ryan's lunatic deplorable GOP primary challenger lost his shit in a twitter argument, suggesting a columnist should "eat a bullet." That's gross and violent and wrong and much less funny than suggesting Ryan should "eat a sandwich made from pubes from a truck stop bathroom," which is my idea.

John Lewis and Bennie G. Thompson announced they will no longer attend the opening of the Mississippi Civil Rights museum this weekend, since they would be sharing the stage with a Nazi apologist. A Nazi apologist who, regrettably, is also the President of the United States.

Folks, it seems like a low bar to clear, but let me offer the following aspirational advice to you: live your life so that civil rights icons don't have a reason to refuse to be in the same room as you.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders snidely accused John Lewis of not respecting the sacrifices of civil rights heroes. Yes, THAT John Lewis.

Predictably, protests flared across the Muslim world in response to Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot's bullheaded decision on Jerusalem. Mike Pence was told that Palestine didn't want to be alone with a room with him, and the widening consensus is that these clowns have undermined the Middle East peace process, particularly the United States' role, perhaps permanently. NEAT.**

It's enough to make you think that maybe putting a blithering dipstick with the intellect and attention span of a spastic puppy in charge of international diplomacy was an unwise choice.

A short while back, asked to reflect on when America was last truly great, Serial Child Molester Roy Moore ruminated a bit about family, quickly concluding that America was at its awesomest when white families were legally allowed to own black ones. And break them up as they saw fit.

So yeah. Add "nostalgic for slavery" to the sky-high pile of reasons not to vote for the pedophile who got booted from the bench for refusing to obey the law. Twice. Are we locked into this whole Alabama-gets-two-Senators thing? It doesn't seem to be working out.

CNN reported on some leaked e-mails following up on the famous Hot Young Drumpf Campaign Officials Want 2 Collude With U meeting, revealing that Russia was just checking in to see if they weren't busy later and maybe wanted to come over and watch Stranger Things and drink boxed wine and maybe cuddle.

Early this evening, word leaked out that Trent Franks would be resigning from Congress. You couldn't help but wonder what sort of grotesque fuckery Franks, who has never been shy about moralizing, had gotten up to that he'd resign before the tiniest rumor surfaced in the media.

Oh, he was harassing his female staffers to serve as surrogate mothers for his children? HOLY FUCK IS THAT CREEPY. When people get hostile about your kid selling magazine subscriptions at the office, how do you get to a place where you're like, "ACCEPT MY SEED, WOMANSERVANT?"

You can sort of imagine Trent skulking around the office, rubbing his hands together, going, "Who wants to have mah babies mnnh hnnh? And maybe "Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a Kaiser blade," while buttering a bagel in the break room.

Anyway, word is CNN and WaPo are about to blow the lid off a couple dozen sitting congresspervs and their harassment/assault accusations so...y'know...hold on to your butts.

Oh, and the Shart House threw a Hanukkah party, but they didn't invite Jews who happened to be Democrats, because government is a junior high lunchroom these days.

Lord, what a day. Well, before we part ways, let me give you a poll to laugh at. Actually, have two. And let's also laugh at this guy's freakout.

Oh, and there was another school shooting today. And nobody noticed.

Yeah, the Al Franken thing happened. Wide variety of opinions among the Resistance, I kinda hear what everybody's saying...haven't made my mind up quite yet. I thank Senator Franklin for his service.

Anyhow. See you in the madhouse, folks.

*Ok, I'll come clean. I actually just can't think of any way to disparage him further. How do you beat that? Look at the sad, defeated, desperation in his eyes. Jeeeezus.

**Not actually neat.

Somebody Ask Grassley if it's OK for Roy Moore to Spend His Money on Booze and Teenagers (Ferret!)

'Evenin', Resisters. Shower Cap took a mental health day Monday, hope you didn't miss me. Anyway, it's just one extra day, how much insanity could I possibly miss in one little ol' day?

HAHAHAHAH just kidding, it's 2017 and EVERY DAY is Trapped in a Christian Fundamentalist Haunted House Tripping on Acid-Cut-With-Head-&-Shoulders Day.

(Wanna read the post with fancy links n' shit? CLICK THIS LINK: http://showercapblog.com/somebody-ask-chuck-grassley-ok-roy-moore-spend-money-booze-high-school-girls/)

Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon shaved a couple million acres off of some national monuments, and I'm pleased to say America is finally great again! That was the one remaining obstruction, folks. Bears Ears National Monument was just too dang big. You'll feel the benefits of the monument-shrinking-borne prosperity any day now, promise!

Sources say Trump will also call for the shortening of the Washington Monument, for...obvious reasons.

(Quick kudos to the protesters who greeted the Syphilitic Sack of Hamburger Helper Grease in Utah with "Tiny Hands Off Our Lands" signs and Lock Him Up Chants.)

The Supreme Court ruled that Government Cheese Goebbels' racist travel ban can go into effect pending legal challenges, protecting us from the wave of refugee-committed crimes that stubbornly refuses to manifest in real life. Don't worry, bump stocks are still legally available at the gun shop nearest to the angriest white guy you know.

Hey, where we at with all the Russia shit?

Oh. Some conservative operative sent an e-mail to a high-ranking Drumpf campaign official literally titled KREMLIN CONNECTION, offering to set up a back-channel meeting between Shart Carney and his shift-supervisor-to-be (that's Vlad Putin, by the way) using his NRA connections? Great. Now that the NRA's swept up in this, we just need to get Billy Mitchell, Ryan Braun, and Solomon Grundy looped in, and we'll have secured the participation of every conceivable American villain.

And KT McFarland joined the Oops, I Lied to Congress About Russia club, and her prize is Instead of Being Ambassador to Singapore, How 'Bout Your Career Ends in Shame and Maybe Jail?

As if that isn't enough, you've got Fat Q*Bert's lawyers throwing around shit like "Collusion isn't a crime," and "The President can't obstruct justice because he has super-secret-special President Powerz where he's above the law," and folks, it hasn't even been a YEAR yet.

Suddenly "What did the President know and when did he know it?" seems like an obnoxiously-long FROZEN short before the Pixar feature you paid to see.

Oh, and Rugged Robert Mueller has reportedly subpoenaed records from Deutsche Bank relating to persons and entities linked to the President. Heh. Hope the chair behind the Resolute Desk is upholstered in something waterproof.

Politico added a story about how Shart Houses staffers have devolved into sweaty masses of unhinged paranoia, never knowing who's wearing a mic, or if Mueller has implanted a transmitter in their molars, or if Stephen Miller's forehead is really a giant satellite dish that can pick up their innermost thoughts.

Good. Squirm, you traitors.

As the GOP moves to conference with their tax reform bill, where negotiators from the House and Senate will hammer out precisely how much a Republican donor will be required to give to a super PAC before he's allowed to legally own slaves, the American people are reacting with something less than robust enthusiasm.

Susan Collins, as you know, traded her vote for a fistful of shiny beads and empty promises from the least honest men in human history.

And Paul Ryan wasted little time laughing in her rube face, saying "Don't be silly, we got her vote, we don't have to give her shit in return, and also when did we start letting girls in here anyway?"

Congratulations, Senator Collins, on being literally the only human being alive who didn't see that coming.

Anyway, Republicans are getting weirdly, amusingly, cocky about almost passing a bill that everybody hates, and that will hurt millions of people who will absolutely rise up and boot their aristocrat-lackey asses straight to the private sector at the next available opportunity*

One Trump advisor boasted about how the bill specifically targets constituencies that didn't vote for Boss Shart, like universities and residents of blue states like California and New York, because plundering your political foes is what American Democracy is all about, right?

Anyway, the little weasel practically spoojed right in his pants as he declared the bill "Death for Democrats." Hey, enjoy your day, bro. I'll check in with you on November 7th, 2018...you'll find reports of our "death" have been greatly exaggerated.

Chuck Grassley helpfully explained how the uber-wealthy are better than the rest of us, because they're "investors," while those of you who didn't do the hard work of Inheriting Daddy's Money like the Trumps and Kochs did are dirty, whoremongering, wino takers who destroy America every time you go to the movies in search of a fleeting moment of relaxation or pleasure in your worthless lives instead of staying at home flogging yourselves for being such dirty, whoremongering, wino takers.

Multimillionaire Orrin Hatch, having voted himself a fat fuckin' tax break, opined that there just isn't enough money for extravagances like health care for children.

John McCain tried to throw himself a little party celebrating his pending 3 millionth Twitter follower, but was instead rewarded for his Government Funded Health Care For Me, Not Thee vote with a mass-unfollowing movement. I hope you ordered an ice-cream cake, and it melted, Senator McCain.

And Dean Heller threw a constituent with stage 4 cancer out of a town hall for the high crime of asking her Senator why he voted to kill her in order to cut Princess Ivanka's taxes, apparently because he lives in mortal fear of being re-elected.

Me, if I was responsible for a bill that polls the way this monstrosity polls (and without manufactured horseshit like death panels, I'd add), I'd put away the noisemakers and party hats.

Didja see this thing where alt-right women (I don't get it either.) are upset that the rage-filled, dickless, gamergate losers of their movement are, shock-of-all-shocks, violently misogynistic? It's like sprinkling ground glass on your breakfast cereal and wondering where the tummy ache came from.

In economic news, the Drumpf Administration moved to make it legal to...wait, WHAT? This can't be right. To...to make it legal for restaurant managers to steal servers' tips? Are we this evil already? Does the cabinet meet in that Legion of Doom headquarters in the swamp? What's next? Mandatory oil spills in wildlife refuges? Tax write-offs for every puppy kicked?

Because science is for Cucks, Dorito Mussolini is filling science-related posts in his administration with political hacks lacking advanced degrees. Maybe it's cuz Rick Perry wants to be the smartest guy in the room, and to accomplish that feat you've basically got to appoint egg salad sandwiches as his undersecretaries.

And the inevitable descent of the Republican Party into the sulfur-belching hellscape of I Guess We Endorse Child Molesters Now culminated this week, surprising nobody outside of Mitt Romney and Bill Kristol.

"Go get 'em Roy," said our Festering Rectal Tumor President, because a dude who brags about ogling teenagers in a beauty pageant dressing room isn't going to react to a dude who "dated" teenagers in his 30's with anything harsher than perhaps envy.

And now all the stern, weatherbeaten, hoary, moralizers of the right, from Orrin Hatch to Mitch McConnell, men who for years have been all too ready to outlaw any behavior they don't approve of, shrug and say, "Hey, if the good Christian souls of Alabama want rich folks' taxes cut so fervently that they vote for a serial pedophile, who are we to stand in judgment?"

Hey Corrupt Old Dudes, since you seem to have lost your way, let me clear something up for you. When the question is "Should a man who sexually abuses teenagers be a Senator?" there is exactly ONE correct answer, and the answer is "FUCK NO." Not "it's up to the voters of Alabama," or "It's not for me to judge," but "ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? NO!!"

A Moore surrogate went on teevee to brag about how there were lots of women that Roy hadn't molested, and also to tell her pregnant interviewer that Doug Jones wanted to break into her house at night and rip her unborn child form her womb with his bare hands.

Meanwhile, one of the women who dated Moore when she was a teen (Lest we normalize this; Ew.) provided new proof of the relationship the would-be lawmaker swears never happened. For a guy who trumpets his alleged "morals" all the time, Roy sure does write a lot of letters to high school girls.

I repeat: Ew.

Anyway, Steve Bannon emerged from the liquor aisle at Piggly Wiggly long enough to speak on Molesto the KKKlown's behalf at a rally tonight. If that much concentrated evil didn't open a gateway to Hell right in the middle of the stage, I don't know what would.

Most importantly, the RNC opened their arms and their coffers to the Moore campaign, making the GOP the official public sponsors of this ethical sewer clog. For some reason, they believe they can do this without consequences. Never, ever, EVER stop dragging these bastards over this.

In the end, Jeff Flake's sad, lonely, hundred-dollar check to Doug Jones will be the GOP's largest act of opposition to this travesty. It's hard to imagine a national political party failing such a tragically simple moral test. But here we are.

Oh, and Moore threw a little anti-semitism into the stew as well, just for flavor.

The NAACP says, rightly, that the President shouldn't be allowed to attend the opening of the Mississippi Civil Rights Museum, what with all the British-Nazi-retweeting and very-fine-peopling he's been up to. Kinda weird having a President whose very presence feels like an affront to civil rights, innit?

Oh, and everybody congratulate Bill O'Reilly on his shiny new lawsuit! Bill-O is accused of violating the non-disparagement clause of one of one of his (many) harassment settlements, since he's gone around calling his accusers Lyin' Goldiggin' Filthy Sluts at every available opportunity. O'Reilly's been quite vocal on the subject of Poor Defenseless Old Men being destroyed in the court of public opinion by torch-wielding mobs who don't care about facts or truth, while simultaneously holding his accusers to NDAs.

And Bill's not the only conservative fuckwad in trouble! Looks like our old pal Paul Manafort's angling for a shock collar to compliment his ankle bracelet! Seems Paulie, that incorrigible so-and-so, has been sneaking around behind Papa Mueller's back, draftin' up an op-ed with the help of a Kremlin-connected buddy to make the case that Paul Manafort Did Nothing Wrong and Shouldn't Have an Ankle Bracelet at All But Should Get Out of Jail Free and Also Maybe Get a Lifetime Pass to Chuck E Cheese for his Trouble.

So his bail will likely be revoked, rendering him ever more...#Manafucked.

Hey, if anybody just swallowed something poisonous, and needs to induce vomiting before shit gets life-threatening, may I recommend the Atlantic's profile of Everyone's Least Favorite Repressed Pervert, Vice President Pence? Yes, Mikey Hairshirt lurks in the background, rationalizing his boss' every assault on the foundations of American democracy as "God's plan," easing his nerves by feverishly jerking off to photographs of elderly dogs that have been abandoned in shelters by their families.

Soooooo...I guess Erik Prince pitched Tangerine Idi Amin on the idea of having his own private, unaccountable, parallel intelligence service to counter all those "deep state" bastards who keep whinging about beta-male shit like "The Rule of Law," and "The Constitution."

NEAT. Donald Trump with with his own personal secret police. What could go wrong?

Anyway, where are they gonna recruit these spies? From the mouthbreathing droolers of Club MAGA? Not sure that's a solid foundation for an "intelligence" organization. You'd wind up Inspector Clouseau but with wild-eyed, spittle-drenched delirium instead of bumbling charm.

You guys, I'm worried about Corey Lewandowski. He went on The View and yelled at the ladies about how mighty and tuff his chubby loser boss is, and shrieked "I don't have Stockholm Syndrome, YOUR FACE HAS STOCKHOLM SYNDROME," before curling up in the fetal position to suck thumb for two hours.

Over in the right wing media Bubba-ul, they're busily building their Extended Cinematic Universe where Robert Mueller is some sort of hopelessly compromised agent of corruption, and the whole Roy Moore thing has nothing to do with the steady, ever-deepening derangement of the GOP's base, but is instead the fault of (wait for it) the libtards. Also, Hillary Clinton is in your kitchen right now, eating the last slice of pie while lying to the FBI about...oh, let's say Moe.

And I guess Shartboy really is gonna declare that the U.S. recognizes Jerusalem as the capital of Israel because stability in the Middle East, like science, is for CUCKS.

So yeah. I...need another mental health day.

*VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS
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