HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » TheFerret » Journal
Page: 1 2 Next »


Profile Information

Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 494

Journal Archives

Later than usual due to the sheer volume of batshit crazy nonsense, my apologies.

Folks, when you wake up to find former Attorney General Eric Holder felt the need to send out, like, the St. Crispin's Day Tweet to "the career men & women at DOJ/FBI," you fucking well know that Shit. Be. Cray.

And it is. Shit is also hitting the fan. Cray shit is hitting the fan and spreading insanity and poo all over your bedroom, BETCHA WISH YOU HAD CENTRAL AIR, RIGHT?

Oh Sweet Jesus Rubbin' His Ass on Your Brand New Carpet, this thing with Joe and Mika!

Because he is crazed, sloppy maniac, Shart Garfunkel apparently hate-watches Morning Joe while they report on what a sack of fetid hippo turds he is, and it makes him mad...der than usual. So yesterday he lost his shit and somehow managed to force his limp, inadequate, baby hands to tweet out some hateful sexist garbage about how Mika luvs Drumpf so much but he's over her cuz there was blood coming out of her wherever from a face lift.

While any decent human being can recognize this as unacceptably repulsive behavior, let's not forget that SCROTUS has surrounded himself with some fantastically indecent human beings, and they dutifully marched out to defend the Bathtub Clog That Somehow Won the Electoral College, because they figure their souls are a long fucking gone by now.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders was all "The American people clearly wanted a Neanderthal Hate Beast as President," before moving on to opine that gun violence happens because of the inferior morality in Chicago COUGHCOUGHITSTHEBLACKPEOPLE or some shit. After her musings on righteousness, SHS excused herself to have tea and biscuits with her daddy's multiple child molester friends.

Kellyanne was equally indignant, impugning the patriotism of those who insist on reporting that our Piece of Shit President is a Piece of Shit. Since this wouldn't be the last time Kellyanne's name popped up in today's gnus, I'll just leave this alone for right now, walking away with a dark chuckle at Kellyanne's "patriotism."

Anyhow, Joe n' Mika counter-counter-punched, telling the world that Team Shart sicced the National Enquirer on them, and that high ranking executive branch officials told them that if they just apologized and eased up on the ournalism-jay, then Boss Shart could make the story go away, and America wouldn't need to know that Joe fathered an alien duck baby with that space hooker he met at the Tesla concert.

No big deal, just the President of the United States and his staff trying to blackmail members of the free press into providing more favorable coverage.

If this shit keeps up, Bashful Bob Mueller's investigative team is gonna need more staff than a mid-twentieth-century Hollywood Biblical Epic. THE TEN INDICTMENTS, whaddya think?

(Some folks are saying Jar-Jar is swept up in the whole colluding-with-a-tabloid-to-blackmail-journalists deal. I just think it'd be a shame if he went to jail before he can finish bringing peace to the Middle East.)

Mitch McConnell's health care headaches got worse, as the CBO released a direct-to-DVD sequel to their score of his MurderBill, saying "Oh yeah, he tried to trick us by putting the steepest cuts to Medicaid outside the ten year window we usually look at, but we noticed, NICE TRY, DONATELLO!"

Now, we know from experience that Shartboy tends to mindlessly ape the views of the last person who talked to him, and on the health care front, that seems to have been Rand Paul. So the Idiot Manchild parrots Rand's pet idea that they should just repeal Obamacare straight out, and then hope for the fucking best when it comes to the replacing.

And now the furthest-right members of the Senate GOP caucus are running around the playground, high on Pixy Stix and Grape Crush, taunting the others "nyah nyah, the President agrees with MEEEEE!!!!!!!" and giving all the moderates wedgies. Now, this makes Yertle's job much tougher, because he's being tugged from the semi-rational center AND the lunatic right, so maybe this whole thing will fall apart and millions of Americans will get to, y'know, GROW OLD BECAUSE THEY WON'T DIE FROM TREATABLE SHIT, but just in case, let's keep blasting these fuckers' phone lines, huh?

The Man With a Tumor-Filled Scrotum For a Heart is apparently really excited about his upcoming employee evaluation with Vlad Putin. Nobody can seem to convince Donnie that Russia isn't our BFF, that they'll never return that copy of River City Ransom he loaned them six months ago, that they FUCKING ATTACKED OUR DEMOCRACY, and in fact he's asked the National Security Council to prepare a list of "deliverables" to offer Vlad, because he is not a Russian agent even a little bit. What those "deliverables" may be, God only knows, but I'm assuming it's a couple of nuclear subs and maybe Delaware.

Axios reported that the Marmalade Shartcannon is all damp n' sweaty to get his trade war started, because he is a stupid, stupid man who thinks that such a thing can be done without consequences. Everybody except Animate Lawn Gnome Wilbur Ross and Steve "Darth Wino" Bannon kept yelling "FUCK NO YOU FUCKHEADED MORON" at him, but hey, maybe we'll get to see a U.S.-led global financial meltdown, that'll be...different.

The Pumpkin Spice Assclown's shitty racist travel ban went into effect, and we learned that we're using it to keep an all-girl group of Afghan teen inventors from attending a robotics competition they'd earned their way into, thank god we've been protected from this grave threat, it was probably going to be like, Ultron, Only For Jihad, like it would only attack bakers who refused to make cakes for gay weddings.

Kris Kobach's "Silly Rabbit, Voting is for White People" campaign kicked into gear today. For starters, Hans Von Spakovsky, frustrated after several failed attempts to kill Captain America, joined the commission. Hans is the OG vote suppressor, so of course he wants in.

Anyhow, Kobach sent out this ridiculous letter demanding that states turn over all kinds of information a little Nazi like him shouldn't be trusted with; names, addresses, drivers license numbers, SSNs, do you prefer cake or pie, how attractive on a scale of 1-10 do you find Chris Pine (now, I'm straight, but in all honestly I have to say "at least 6", did you eat the last Hot Pocket DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME CARL, and several years' worth of voting histories.

Needless to say, state officials from both parts are telling Kris where he can stick his letter. Mississippi's Republican Secretary of State even told him he could jump in the Gulf of Mexico, so other officials are feeling pressure to up their game. "Make like a tree and go fuck yourself," reads a draft from Illinois, but the SoS thinks he can probably do better if he sleeps on it.

Most hilariously, Kansas Secretary of State...wait for it...Kris Kobach...announced he can't comply with his own records request because of state privacy law. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHOHGODIHURTMYBACK

Oh, and there was that little story the Wall Street Journal broke.

The one about that GOP operative/activist, what was his name? Peter Smith?

Something about...forgive me, I've got a couple beers in me...something about...colluding with Russian hackers to gain access to Hillary Clinton's e-mails and pass them on to the Drumpf campaign, via Mike Flynn and his Angry Thumb of a son? Yeah, that one.

Weird, that Hannity and Hume and the other toadies in the right wing media started singin' that whole "Colluding with a hostile foreign power ain't no thang" tune a few days ago, don'tcha think?

Now, just for a little extra flava, Peter Smith died a few days after giving his interview with the Journal. And that's...a bit weird. Maybe it's coincidence. Maybe he was like, terminally ill and trying to clear his conscience in order to get a nicer cot in hell. Or hey, maybe Reince Pubis got wind that he'd spilled the beans, and had him polonium 210'd. Maybe he's been haunting Shart House aides since his death, and Steve Bannon is just now realizing he's not a pink elephant, who can say?

But that was last night. TONIGHT, we learned that Peter had listed not only Flynn, but Kellyanne "SuperPatriot" Conway and Steve "Satan's Servant on Earth" Bannon in a recruitment document for said collusion-with-Russia project.


And if you haven't read Matt Tait's piece over at Lawfare, filling in some of the gaps in this story, and describing his own experience with it, you need to jump over there and read that shit right fucking now. Don't worry, my last paragraph isn't that funny.

Folks, I know there's more. The Shart wants to sue CNN and invade North Korea and I guess spend all that Meals on Wheels money he's cutting on going into spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace, and we all found out how many of our tax dollars are going to Bannon's gin fund and Omarosa's gilded "The Honorable" stationary, and fuck knows what else, but it's late, and these last three beers ain't gonna drink themselves. Be well, and, as always, VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.

Another day in the land of cray...

Hey, before we get started, let me shout out to Pacifist Patriot for that Time cover mockup, I've been smiling all day about that. And beyond that, a huge thanks to everybody here at DU, I'm having the time of my life and I'm glad some of you are enjoying this shit. There really is a blog coming soon, I hope you'll join me there...


Forgive me folks, I got a late start today, so if any of the insanity slips through the cracks, it's just because I'm stuck in this straightjacket, and operating my tablet requires a fairly exhausting series of physical contortions. From what I've been able to process, though...shit remains cray.

Hey, did I tell you I have a cat that eats only schadenfreude? And boy howdy, she is getting fucking fat these days. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. (And if this was a musical, I'd tell you IN SONG but it isn't a musical so fuck off.)

Well, we learned that Strawberry Shartcake has been decorating his clubs with a phony Time Magazine cover, which is the kind of thing only the most confident and secure men do, right?

Seriously, can you imagine? Can you imagine the sort of crushing insecurity that would make a human being create a fake magazine cover to impress the rich idiots who are already paying him to golf? Time asked Shartboy to take the fake covers, apparently on display in at least five Drumpf properties, down, so I can only assume that Admiral Mike Rogers spent most of his morning explaining why he couldn't have the entire magazine's staff murdered by ninjas.

Also, a hotel in Toronto paid a fat chunk of money for nothing more than the privilege of scraping Drumpf's sharty little name off their building. I forget, is it good or bad for your political career when people are willing to flush dollars, even Canadian dollars, down the toilet just to avoid being associated with you?

Oh, and an investigation into the National Park Service revealed that no, nobody at NPS had to doctor any photographs of Ol' Shartful's inauguration, it just turns out that not very many folks felt like showing up to to watch America's first Sack of Donkey Shit President get sworn in.

Furthermore, the Senate Intelligence Committee is getting the famous Comey memos! They've also gotten ahold of some 2,000 financial documents from the treasury department related to Orange Julius Caesar and his inner circle. And Roger Stone will be testifying before the House Intelligence Committee next month.

...so, surely it's a coincidence that Donnie's closest media allies are taking "Is collaborating with Russia really so bad" out for a test drive. Surely.

Equally coincidental is Paul "Shit, I Was Only Campaign Manager For a Few Months" Manafort suddenly deciding to file some paperwork that's all "Did I not say I was a foreign agent? My bad, I thought you asked 'Do I watch The Great British Bakeoff?'"

Most hilariously, after faux-Christian grifter Jay Sekulow became Spraytan Pol Pot's lawyer and spokesman, he got the Investigative Journalism treatment, and it quickly surfaced that he's been bilking rubes to finance his family's high-class lifestyle, and now he's under investigation HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

...anyhow, you can see why my schadenfreude-eating cat has put on weight.

Shameless Congressassipe Jason Chaffetz formally moved on to the private sector, but not before whinging a bit about how financially challenging it is being a Congressasswipe, and how maybe if he got an extra 2,500 bucks a month for housing, he coulda stuck around and continued to chastise the working poor for owning phones. Weep for poor Jason Chaffetz, who has fallen on such hard times that he must now accept a contract as a Fox News contributor, where he will make god knows how much money to sit behind a desk and continue demonizing the poor, especially those who have been foolish enough not to have been born white and male.

Littlefinger got distracted from the five minutes of diplomacy he was required to conduct with the new Irish Taoiseach (ok, fine, I just learned that word today, you got me.) to hit on a reporter, because Melania smacks him every time he gets grabby, which is bullshit, Kennedy was rolling in pussy, why did I even run for shit job, tell Reince to get me some hookers goddammit!

Scott Pruitt, a relatively minor demon placed in charge of the EPA, had a quickie lil' meeting with the CEO of Dow, and decided that we didn't need a silly thing like a ban on a pesticide that damages brain development in fetuses and young children, because who are we to obstruct the free market for something as insignificant as children's brains?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders continues to prove herself to be the most gleefully willing fascist collaborator in the whole regime. None of Sean Spicer's half-hearted attempts at logic with SHS; fuck that! Nah, she'll unhesitatingly call on the world to watch Widely-Known Scatmuncher James O'Keefe's latest piece of propaganda, even as she acknowledges she can't vouch for its accuracy. And then, Loki love her, in the very same fucking press event, she can chastise the media for Fake News or some shit. And suddenly Alan Moore is forced to rewrite V FOR VENDETTA, because his propagandists seem too subtle and honest to be credible.

Mitch McConnell's Malicious Maneuver towards Mass Murder continues to hit snags, so turtle tears are plentiful tonight.

A bunch of polls came out showing that Mitch's bill is about as popular as getting a lap dance from rusty lawnmower. Seriously, everybody shows this bill with below 20% approval, with nearly half of the country "strongly" disapproving, which you have to assume means the polled were screaming FUCK NO I DON'T WANT TO DIE JUST SO SHELDON ADELSON CAN HAVE HIS CHILDHOOD HOME BRONZED at the pollsters.

Anyhow, there's plenty of opposition, from the lunatic right and also from the begrudgingly-admitting-that-poor-people-might-be-almost-human center. Shit, even Jerry, "The Invisible Senator" Moran came out against it, and Mitch makes Jerry sleep in a crate if Jerry ever tries to speak on the floor of the Senate.

Apparently there was a GOP conference lunch today where the moderates and the conservatives got together to shout at each other, and they couldn't even agree on who would get to be the Jets or the Sharks, but Yertle seems to think they can have a new bill by Friday. In related news, my seven-volume novel about the tribulations of an orphan boy navigating the complex politics of the Spanish Civil War, of which I have not so much as a treatment finished, will also be ready by Friday.

(I seriously don't want to get cocky about any of this, because the House showed us that these fucks have a tremendous will to fuck over the poor in the name of tax cuts for their donors, but tonight, I'm going take a moment to enjoy another round of pieces on how the Shart of the Deal can't get shit done. WaPo's is particularly gloaty.)

Meanwhile, the best the folks over at Pravda, excuse me, "Fox News" can come up with is, "Well shit, we're all gonna die anyhow, why bother with insurance?" I seriously pinched myself seven times watching that video, so I'm fairly certain it actually happened.

Oh hey, didja see that video the National Rifle Association released today? Nice to see the folks who've been working for ISIS are starting to get freelance work. Seriously though, that is some horrifying shit, it's about a step and a half away from "It's okay to murder your neighbor if they voted for Hilldawg," and it's one of the most bone-chilling things I've ever watched in my life. (And I watched election night last November, soooooooooooo...)

Desperate to seem effective in any way, however small, the Candycorn Skidmark shot his mouth off about "liberating towns" from foreign gangs. Hell, even Sean Hannity's not gonna pick that one up, Shart-Shart. Seriously. Name a town you've "liberated." (No, "Brigadoon" is not a real town.)

I saw a late article about how Secretary of State T-Rex got mad and yelled at some Shart House staff about how their incompetence is making his incompetence harder or some shit. Boo fucking hoo. All your names are going to be carved on a monument that the country will use as a public restroom for generations to come. If you serve this ethically vacant administration, your descendants will renounce your name for the raw shame of it, who the fuck cares if you're having a slap fight over inconsequential shit? Fuck all y'all.

Of course there's more. There's always more. Forgive me, I'm dealing with the emotional fallout of watching my beloved Bryzzo standing, smiling, next to everyone's least favorite Poop Mistake. I'll pick up the slack later in the week...one way or another, don't forget to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.

Love you all...

The Ferret, aka Shower Cap

None of this is really happening, right? RIGHT?


Fuck, y'all, I can't even figure out Baron Golfin Von Fatfuk's tweets anymore. One day Russian interference is fake news and a hoax, the next it happened but I guess it's Obama's fault because...shit, I can't fucking figure out why. Like, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I think I've got like, an ingenious idea for the next HBO serial, and I write it down and go back to sleep and when I wake up my notepad says "NHL Playoffs - but with Pandas!!!!" and I'm forced to come to terms with the fact that my barely-awake self is perhaps not quite Hemingway. Not Shart Garfunkel, tho. He fires those thoughts straight off into the official Presidential record.

Further Shart House spin holds that the Candycorn Skidmark was SUPER CLEVER in using his totally-made-up story about having tapes of their conversations to deviously trick James Comey into...into...into confirming every detail of the story that he's been telling all along, only under oath, and also getting Bob Mueller appointed Special Counsel and getting the President investigated for obstruction of justice...? I guess? Yeah, he's a real goddamn chess master, that Donald Trump.

Over the weekend, the Marmalade Shartcannon sat out Pride and refused to continue the tradition of hosting an iftar dinner during Ramadan, but he sure did golf a whole fucking bunch.

To really drive home just where the administration's priorities lie, they're defunding the State Department office that monitors and combats anti-semitism abroad, and, somewhat cartoonishly, DHS cut off funding for a program that helps people transition away from White Supremacist hate organizations. Hey, you can't expect a guy to shrink his own base, AMIGHT?

Speaking of the weekend and white supremacists, Team Shart turned out not one, but two hilariously-under-attended "rallies" in D.C. on Sunday. For a little extra comedy, the two wee-as-their-God-Emperor's-hands gatherings decided to go to war...with each other! It seems RIchard Spencer's pathetic American Nazis and Jack Posobiec's Shakespeare-fearing Shartkins each think the other faction is super-lame! In a bit of fun irony, they're BOTH RIGHT! Anyhow, they're yelling at one another on twitter, waving competing Gasden Flags and generally making asses of themselves, as is their habit.

Also, in perhaps the most stunning news in all of human history, it seems as though Jared Kushner was not able to bring peace to the Middle East.

(This space left blank to allow the reader time to recover from inevitable fainting spell)

It seems Jar-Jar, as a representative of the U.S. government, went to Mahmoud Abbas of Palestine with a list of Bibi's demands, which didn't go over so well. You can't blame Jared, tho...it's not like ANYONE WHO'S DONE TWELVE MINUTES OF READING ON THE SUBJECT COULD'VE TOLD YOU HOW COLOSSALLY FUCKING STUPID THAT WOULD BE MY GOD JARED HOW DO YOU EVEN GET YOUR PANTS ON YOU FUCKING IDIOT?

Or wait, maybe it is.

(Jared is also probably still embarrassed that he held a press conference and allowed the world to hear his weenie little castrato voice, but he did, and we can all laugh at him forever now.)

Gowdy Doody took over the Oversight gavel, and promptly announced that he won't be doing anything to investigate Russia, or the President's blatant obstruction of justice, cuz after all, Drumpf is not a Democrat.

In the background, a few voices in the Right Wing Media Bubba-uhl seem to have, through some miracle, hit simultaneously on the talking point that "So what if Donnie Darko collaborated with a hostile foreign power to win election! There's nothing illegal or wrong about that!" (It is both super illegal and super wrong.) If this is what passes for "getting out ahead of a story" these days, heaven help us all.

Didja see that shit where the Failing New York Times published a full-page list of All the President's Lies? What'll be extra fun is next week when they find some out-of-work coal miner in Pennsylvania, and run down that list one by one, revealing he believes every single lie is gospel truth and that the lamestream media is composed entirely of Hollywood lesbian terrorist refugee atheists.

Sean Spicer continues to hide his shameful love handles by banning cameras during press briefings. Jim Acosta remains pissed and pissy about this development; my sources tell me plans to settle the issue with Spicer INSIDE A STEEL CAGE AT SUMMERSLAM. (There was a fun little bit of trolling where CNN invited a courtroom sketch artist in, and y'know what they say, Sean, the sketch artist adds 15 pounds, and O how we will laugh at this when they start throwing journalists in prison!)

I guess ol' Sergey Kislyak is takin' the last train to Moscow, and headin' home! Seems Daddy Vlad has recalled him. I dunno, in spite of all the ongoing controversy, that seems unnecessary, since apparently no member of the Republican Party can ever recall being in a room with Sergey, which I assume is his mutant power.

Princess Ivanka went on Fux and Frendz to say she tries to stay out of politics, despite having a job in the White House, which I can only assume is an attempt to Gaslight me personally. Well it won't work, Ivanka! I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I LEFT THAT BROOCH, AND YOU'LL NEVER TELL ME ANY DIFFERENT!!!!!!!

Oh hey, it was SCOTUS decision day, and we finally got to meet Neil Gorsuch, Unremovable Arbiter of All American Law For Life. The good news is, he's an absolute monster, who thinks guns have more rights than LGBT Americans; he may as well be Scalia's brain transplanted in a younger body, and he'll be on the fucking bench for decades.


Speaking of SCOTUS, they kinda sorta held up a watered down version of the watered down version of the Shart's travel ban. The ban was supposed to be a temporary fix while the administration figured out XXXtreme vetting or some shit, and that deadline was weeks ago, but who's counting? Anyhow, since we've all been overwhealmed by the tidal wave of refugee-born violence that the Ban was supposed to prevent, I guess it's THANKS FOR NUTHIN', SUPREMES.

Oh wait, what's that? No refugees or visitors from the travel ban countries have done anyone any harm? Even though white supremacists are running amok, coast to coast?


The big gnus, of course, is still Mitch McConnell's attempt at one-stop serial killer immortality.

There weren't too many GOPers willing to defend the bill on the Sunday Shoz, mostly because selling this massive-upwards-redistribution-of-wealth-bill as a "health care" reform without breaking down in Austin-Powers-villain-style laughter is much, much harder than it looks. Still, a few tried.

Knowing that a bill that kicks millions off of their insurance and cuts billions for Medicaid will be cripplingly unpopular, they just marched out and told everyone that their bill neither kicks anybody off insurance nor makes any cuts to Medicaid. Naw, it gives people MORE insurance and also a pony and three boxes of Thin Mints and a handjob from a supermodel!

Hey, if their voters think Cheeto Himmler's gonna get Mexico to pay for that border wall and that Podesta ran a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza joint, getting them to believe that Medicaid cuts aren't Medicaid cuts really isn't that heavy a lift.

In further evidence of his strategic genius SHARTUS told an interviewer that not only did he call the House version of the AHCA "mean," but that BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA stole "mean" from him, which might be fair, since more folks are opting for words like "cruel," "medieval," or "murderous." What can I say, Donnie? "Mean" really IS your brand.

Donnie insists he wants a bill with "Heart." Heart...as in, a steady supply of human hearts for Steve Bannon to eat, after soaking them overnight in gin, of course.

Meanwhile, Kellyanne was all, hey, get a job, all you children, elderly and disabled folks, as well as the people who work at shitty companies like Wal-Mart that refuse to pay a living wage, because Kellyanne is a garbage human being who probably spends a substational chunk of her day hoping that Hell isn't real.

Ron Johnson, a real intellectual heavyweight in the modern Republican Party, compared charging a person with a preexisting condition more for health insurance to charging a driver who gets into a wreck more for car insurance, which makes sense, because almost every baby born in America pops straight from Mom's womb to the front seat of a Range Rover and goes on a coke-fueled joyride.

Anyhow, the CBO score dropped this afternoon, and it's pretty much what you'd expect. 22 million more uninsured, with more to come once the Medicaid cuts kick in in earnest, higher premiums for shittier insurance, especially for the poor, but godDAMN do the rich get a sweet, sexxxxxxy tax break!

So far Dean Heller and Susan Collins have claimed the two get-out-of-jail-free cards, so Lisa Murkowski and Shelley Moore Capito are squirming a bit. On the other side of things, lunatics like Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are upset that the bill leaves too many takers alive, and even the feral clowns of the House Freedom Caucus insist that more American corpses be thrown atop their sacrificial pyre, because whatever God these bastards worship needs to bathe hourly in the blood of the senselessly dead, I guess.

Reuters tells us that the rest of the world hates us more and more every day under Tangerine Idi Amin's reign. And that's even AFTER he went to Saudi Arabia to harness the power of the mighty Orb. The effect is especially pronounced in our closest allies like Canada and Mexico, and the Shart himself is viewed less favorably than even his Uncle Vlad. Are we the bad guys now? Did we like, turn heel?

Well, if shit isn't cray enough for ya, Martin Shkreli and Joe Arpaio are going on trial and Grover Norquist is tweeting stupid shit about sales tax and Justin Trudeau is high-fiving kids at the Pride Parade wearing rainbow socks which isn't fair, I remember when we had a cool President, and didn't live in fucking Bizarro WestWingland, fuck you Canada.

Did anything happen today? Wasn't paying much attention is shit still cray?

Well, I think I may be windin' these roundups down, folks...frankly, it seems like the madness is more or less subsiding so, I gu-

...wait, what? Bill Cosby's gonna go around the country giving seminars on how to avoid sexual harassment charges?

Shit, never mind. Lock me up in an asylum. And none of this modern, politically correct care-n'-treatment shit, give me a fucking 50's black-and-white nut house, with electroshock therapy and misguided performances from overzealous method actors.

Hey, I don't want to spoil Bill's little TED talk, but the secret is Be a Rich Powerful Dude and I Guess You Can Drug and Rape Women Every Third Day For Your Entire Life, plus you can pose with Cosby for a selfie for an extra 35 bucks.

Didja see that thing where a congressdoorknob from Texas said that Bill Clinton threatened to murder Loretta Lynch JUST LIKE VINCE FOSTER? That's a dude who decides what our laws are. Sleep tight.

The Shart House seems to have developed a theory that if they just shut down press access, eventually the Squawking Manbaby's twitter feed will be the only source of news in America, and the plebes will have no choice but to blindly trust them.

So I guess we're done with on-camera press briefings, because Spicey's getting love handles from all the shit his boss makes him eat. Jim Acosta's not havin' any of that trash, and he's started training with nunchucks, so watch out! And Sarah Huckabee Sanders apparently got super-pissy and told reporters "You better not tell mom that I'm not allowing you to record anything anymore! Shut up, I'm not afraid of perjury, YOUR FACE IS AFRAID OF PERJURY!!"

The Congressional Black Caucus declined a meeting with the Marmalade Shartcannon, possibly because he insists they all wear nametags that read "My African-American." Also, they were all, "Fuck you and your stupid-ass wall and your stupid-ass travel ban and your doll-like hands, and by the way the way, WTF is up with Omarasa calling herself 'The Honorable Omarasa?' What's next? Are you gonna get her a Burger King crown and a plastic scepter? How fucking crazy are you people?"

Somebody turned up the fun little detail that while Shart Carney is calling for massive cuts to public housing programs, he's keeping intact the one government subsidy...that wow-how-weird-is-this? PUTS TAXPAYER MONEY DIRECTLY IN HIS OWN POCKET. There's just some opening-scenes-of-MAGNOLIA-grade coincidence going on here.

And of course the Russia story continues its steady drip, how many FBI directors does a guy have to fire to fix that faucet, AMIRIGHT?

Time (the magazine, not the unstoppable force that kills us all) tells us that the Russians were successful in stealing some voter info, and even altering some voter data, isn't that a fun little fact? Oh, and the House Intelligence Committee is investigating whether any of this stolen data wound up in the hands of anyone working on a certain Tumorous Tangelo's campaign, which would be collusion, wow isn't it weird that all these fucks are hiring lawyers?

Somehow, improbably, with multiple investigations and news organizations and basically the entire fucking world digging into all their shady ties with Boris and Natasha and their amazing friends, these fuckheads continue doing Uncle Vlad's bidding at every opportunity.

Seriously. After a massively bipartisan Russian sanctions bill passed the Senate, Shartboy wants to water it down. Rex Tillerson looks to the nation that tried to hack into election systems from coast to coast and actually wants to COLLABORATE WITH THEM ON CYBERSECURITY, WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK?

It can't possibly be JUST a pee tape, folks. It's got to be like, video from seven angles of Drumpf lying on his back, wanking with a socket wrench while a hooker who looks suspiciously like Ivanka craps directly into his open mouth.

Oh, and I guess the CIA knew that Mike Flynn was a blackmailable foreign agent who also prefers Van Halen with the lead singer from Extreme, but Mike Pompeo kept right on telling him All the Secrets anyway. My sources tell me that classified intel will henceforth be posted weekly in "I have code word clearance, AMA!" Reddit sessions, cuz let's just cut out the fucking middleman.

The Anthropomorphic Outhouse was feeling all sorts of cocky after the GOP held onto a historically incontestable house seat by a smaller-than-his-wee-wee-hands margin, so he held hisself a campaign rally! He lied a bunch, and he promised to pass a law that's already a law ("My next big idea: Chocolate...and PEANUT BUTTER!", he claimed that 1,300 coal mining jobs were actually 33,000 coal mining jobs, and he got his army of Rubes to cheer his selling of the executive branch to Goldman Sachs alums, because they are Rubes, and if he set their houses on fire, they'd thank him for sparing them that unpleasant closet reorganization project they'd been putting off.

But those heavily-publicized Carrier jobs keep getting shipped off to Mexico...

Anyhow, I guess the Elephant in the room (Get it?!?! ELEPHANT?!?!??! Cuz the GOP logo is a....GET IT?!?!?!??!?!??!) is the Senate GOP's Shorten Our Constituents Lifespans Act!

The idea had been that the grown-ups/cooler heads/withered old white dudes in the Upper Chamber would produce a more rational, moderate, "nice" bill. Well, Mitch McConnell, realizing he was advancing in years and that Mephistopheles would shortly demand the millions of souls he offered up in exchange for his political career, and that merely disappearing an intern here and there wasn't gonna get the job done, decided it was finally Leroy Jenkins time.

The bill is notable for two things; its staggering cruelty, and the true hallmark of the McConnell genius at work, the Rube-Goldberg-esque implementation designed to insulate the perpetrators of the greatest act of mass murder in American history from the political consequences of their actions. Y'see, the massive, comic-book-villain-level Medicaid cuts don't start 'till after a number of elections have come and gone, and Mitch is comfortably knocking back Mint Juleps on his plantation. Shit, tying Medicaid payments to inflation guarantees the most tragic long term effects of his bill won't even show up in the CBO score. Golly, I bet his only regret is that he won't be around to see all the untold suffering he's inflicting on generations of American serfs. (And so a single tear rolls down his scaly cheek.)

Oh, and Yertle celebrated by having the capitol police drag some disabled protesters away in handcuffs. There was actually even blood spilled, which McConnell ordered his chief of staff to collect, so that Mitch could sprinkle it on his morning oatmeal.

Senator John Cornyn said he couldn't IMAGINE a more open and transparent process, which helps you understand why he turned to politics after a failed stab at being an adventure novelist. (Cornyn's "Indiana Jones and the Time Diet Coke Was On Sale But the Store Was Out Before He Got There" screenplay was never produced.)

Oh, and at least Chuck Schumer got a good troll in when he made Joni Ernst, while presiding over the senate, read the GOP's hypocrisy into the congressional record. I'm planning on laughing about that a lot when I'm otherwise occupied with dying of a treatable disease.

Jokes aside, the bill is a fucking abomination.

Unless you're rich! Shit, if you're ridiculously fucking wealthy, now you can finally have that 60-foot-tall butter sculpture of yourself constructed on your private island! You can hire Kid Rock to write a song about your potbelly pig! You can finance your own private hunger games, where you pit asthmatics against each other and the winner gets to live an extra six months!

But the rest of us are good and righteously fucked! We'll pay more and get less! We'll watch people we care about die needlessly! We'll see what happens when we get old and nursing homes are no longer a thing! Our children will be born in gas station restrooms because childbirth won't be covered anymore! We'll spend our lives trapped in shit jobs that give us health insurance because FREE WILL IS FOR CLOSERS, YOU SOYLENT SCUMBAGS!

The fucking bill actually gives insurance company CEOs a tax break on earnings over $500,000, because senate republicans want to rub your nose in the fact that you're not really a human being to them unless you finance a PAC.

And of course all the so-called moderates are falling in line. MINO (That's still Maverick in Name Only) John McCain bitched for days about the secretive process, but today he was all "Nah, we can vote on this after a week, I gotta get back in time for Wapner!" Collins and Murkowski are furrowing their brows, wondering if their constituents will let them get away with taking a victory lap for stripping the temporary defunding of Planned Parenthood while not noticing that they're investing heavily in graveyards and cremation facilities.

And meanwhile, the Smug Prick Caucus (Cruz, Paul, a couple of other assclowns) got out in front of their colleagues to state their opposition to the bill for its insufficient murderousness. Rand Paul demands further Obamacare repeal, and Ted Cruz insists he be allowed to wander through hospital ICUs personally unplugging machines on his off days, and I'm pretty sure Ron Johnson just wants a couple of straight-up slaves.

And they'll get what they're asking for. Meanwhile the so-called "moderates" will get an INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE mouse pad a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card, and call it a day.

I fully expect Mitch to rip off his suit, revealing a too-tight black t-shirt emblazoned with "RICH LIVES MATTER," which will be the Republican Party's official campaign slogan from here on out.

Eager to distract the public, and more importantly the media, from all the poor folks he was about to butcher, Orange Julius Caesar picked today to say "Did I say I had recordings of my conversations with Jim Comey? KIDDING, MADE YOU LOOK!" So I guess that means he lied just to intimidate a witness. Robert Mueller was seen dancing gleefully in his underwear, Risky-Business-style, in what I'm sure is an unrelated development.

Oh fuck, I'm ready to pass out, but FUCKING OF COURSE THERE'S MORE. The Pizzagate shooter was sentenced, I guess Marco Rubio doesn't know how to hug, and there's something called a Breatharian?


Oh, just a light madness check-in

Fucking hell, what a week. Welcome to the dark American joke: What do a serial rapist and cop who murders a black man while he's complying with said cop's orders have in common? They're both walking around today totally free of consequences. And as you scan every other column of the day's newspaper, are you starting to think maybe we don't live in the America your middle school Civics textbook promised? Me too, Resisters...me too.

Ugh. Anyhow, let's catch up on the madness.

Hey, I dunno if you saw this, but the President of the United States is under FBI investigation! For obstruction of justice! Everybody's yelling at teevees and getting lawyers and lawyers for their lawyers, are you supposed to get a present for your lawyer's lawyer at Xmastime, or is just a card fine? Asking for a Bloated Orange Asshole.

Anyhow, Team Shart is leaning HARD into a strategy of discrediting Bob Mueller and his team. Noot Gingrich is out on every show that'll give him time, I guess cuz his wife isn't sick enough to cheat on yet, running his mouth about what a hack the Bronze Star/Purple Heart-winning dude with universal bipartisan respect is, and how we should trust the racist goon who ran a fake college instead. Good luck, Noot.

Folks, it doesn't take a genius to see the strategy here. You don't try to paint an investigator as a liar unless you know the investigation will inevitably turn up some legit DIRT. The only chance this Flock of Rectums has to survive the storm that's coming is to fortify their Rube base, and hope they'll screech loud enough that the institutional GOP will be so scared to piss them off that they'll ignore the constitution, the rule of law, and basic human decency.

These bastards can, in short, fool some of the people all of time...but that group is an ever-shrinking minority, and the million dollar question is how many will stick around when the bill comes due.

Meanwhile, the House wing of the Russia investigation will be "inviting" Drumpf campaign digital director Brad Parscale for a little chat about Russian bots and foreign plots and ethical rot and whatnot.

And shit, this isn't even the only investigation the Walking Liposuction Vat is under! The U.S. Commission on Civil Rights announced an investigation of their own! Hard to say what they'll turn up, it's not the like the administration is working on massive cuts to the Civil Rights Division in the Justice Department, or the education department is run by an evangelical lunatic who refuses to stand up for the rights of LGBT students, or the Attorney General is practically a Grand Wizard who was TOO RACIST FOR THE 1980'S FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Oh wait.

Things are actually bad all over for the parade of fuckheads calling themselves the Republican Party. See that bit where Chris Christie became least popular governor in the history of American polling? 15% approval rating. Adding insult to injury, none of that 15% is Bruce Springsteen.

Fox news dropped their trademark "Fair & Balanced" tag line, allegedly because they no longer wish to be linked to a phrase so closely associated with Famed Dead Pervert Roger Ailes. Me, I'll assume Rupert Murdoch has contracted some sort of Pinocchio-like curse.

Leaked audio of a speech by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull mocking Ol' Sunny D-Bag made some headlines. 732 White House sources tell me the President had to be tackled before he could order the launch of 45 Tomahawk missiles at the Sydney Opera House in retaliation.

Speaking of the military, I guess the President has decided that civilian oversight of the armed forces is for chumps who don't have golfing to do, as he told Mad Dog Mattis "Do whatever the fuck you want, bro, I got television sets to yell at." I'm sure the corresponding increase in civilian casualties is a coincidence and will result in no negative consequences whatsoever. Slaughtering children never made anybody join a jihadist organization, right?

Meanwhile Mitch McConnell continues to keep the Senate GOP's version of the AHCA totally secret from everyone, which is exactly what you do when you have a great bill that everyone will love because of all the American lives it improves.

HHS secretary Price hasn't seen it. John McCain hasn't seen it, but he seems sure it's rad. 15 patient advocacy groups, including the American Heart Association and the freakin' March of Dimes, asked Mitch if they could please see the bill and offer their input and were told by the majority leader to kindly go fuck themselves.

Yertle the Turtle seems to think nobody will notice their health insurance has been taken away until their cancer has spread enough to render them incapable of voting. Resisters, whaddya say we get on the phones this week and disprove that little theory?

Meanwhile, frustrated at all the winning that their God Emperor isn't doing, a bunch of Shartkins have decided to vent their frustrations on Shakespeare. They are SO MAD at Julius Caesar that they're sending death threats to every theatre they can find, so the ones that aren't near Burger Kings or strip clubs should be safe.

A couple of particularly publicity-minded dipshits interrupted the Public Theatre's production on Friday night. They were super proud of themselves, and rushed to twitter to declare victory, but the show went on (as it inevitably must), and following the assclown ejection, the stage manager got on the intercom and was all "Actors, pick up from 'Liberty! Freedom!'" and the audience cheered because Shakespeare > Fascist Dickbags.

Sherriff Dave Clarke decided to un-accept a post in DHS, thank all the gods in all the heavens. He said through a spokesman that his decision was based on a desire to spend more time with the corpses in his jail, and to continue cosplaying a legitimately important man at comic book conventions.

Anyhow, the Half-Circus-Peanut/Half-Testicular Tumor engaged in his one true political passion this week: reversing one of his predecessor's policies. Does Drumpf understand one fucking thing about Cuba policy? Fuck no. But Little Marco Rubio pulled him aside and whispered in his ear about how that Black Guy Who Laughed at You at the Correspondent's Dinner really loved his Cuba decision, so now we're right back to trying the one thing that failed every single day for 50 years, because that's how things are done these days, Jesus Fuck.

Donald J Trump, the "J" Stands for "I Have to Pay For Sex," enjoys proclaiming theme weeks of late, and this was Flagrant Corruption Week!

The Marmalade Shartcannon released a financial disclosure form this week, primarily to rub everybody's nose in how he's getting away with his thrice-hourly violations of the emoluments clause. Yup, while he might not be passing any legislation of significance, our President sure is doing well on the Rakin'-in-Bribes front, thanks to a docile GOP, unwilling to conduct the slightest bit of law enforcement or oversight.

(Mid-terms are comin', collaborators. Tick tock.)

Oh, and Sweet Potato Pol Pot actually appointed his son's wedding planner to an important post in HUD, overseeing the housing of more than half a million people in New York and New Jersey, because ass-kissing is the only thing that matters on anybody's resume these days. Seriously, a goddamn wedding planner. Remember the days when that woulda been the biggest story in the country for like, three weeks? Those were the fucking Wonder Years.

A new package of Russia sanctions passed the Senate with an all-but-impossible 97-2 bipartisan majority. And the executive branch actually wants to water them down as much as possible, because whatever Uncle Vlad has on Boss Shart is somehow worse than than constantly doing the Kremlin's bidding while under investigation for collaborating with them during the election.

Oh, and it turns out the Russians renewed a bunch of Don the Con's trademarks, included a handful...on election night last November. Yet another coincidence, I'm sure.

Or maybe it was Did You Believe Me When I Made Campaign Promises? Well, Suck My Withered Microwang, Rubes! Week. Not content with his already-massive betrayal of his base on the health care front, reports say Orange Julius Caesar is poised to reverse his promises on reducing drug prices in order to roll out a series of "reforms" that will benefit the drug industry at the expense of the rest of us, how unlike him. HEALTH CARE IS FOR CLOSERS, PLEBES.

And despite vaulting to power on the wings of crowds of racist yokels screaming "Build That Wall!," Shart-o the Klown quietly walked back his plan to deport DREAMers, but don't worry, the right wing media refused to report on it, so the frothing mobs will go right on believing it never happened.

WaPo reported that Orange Julius Caesar is having himself a hard time filling the vacancies in his administration, what with the corruption and fundamental indecency and so forth. I guess folks are thinkin' "Served a treasonous authoritarian fuckstick" won't be what the lobbying firm headhunters will be lookin' for once this whole shitshow blows up in a few weeks, who'da guessed?

As always, there's more, and I'd get in to it, but a Rasmussen poll was released today saying I'm greatest left-handed pitcher of all time, so I'm gonna go try out for Cubs now, y'all are on your own.

Oh, we're "angry" and "hostile" now, huh?

Somewhat predictably, a bunch of voices from the GOP are out making the rounds already, screeching that after the endless parade of right wing shooters/murderers all being Lone Wolves Who Couldn't Possibly Have Been Motivated in Any Small Way By the Perpetual Right Wing Outrage Media Machine, today's shooting (well, the first one. There was actually a SECOND mass shooting.) is 100% the fault of the Entire Left and their unfair criticism of the Poor Put Upon Victim in the Oval Office.



Seriously, fuck right off forever.

And before we move on, Fuck You Too, James Hodgkinson. Fuck you for thinking you have the right to gun down any human being who disagrees with you. You're a murderous piece of shit and you're no different from any other murderous piece of shit. You're Dylann Roof. You're George Zimmerman. Fuck you for all eternity.

Now, for Newt and co. I believe we were at "fuck off."

You want to blame anger on the left for this? You think we should "tone it down?"


FUCK no, in fact.

You're right, though. We ARE angry.

We're angry you've thrown the full weight of one of our nation's two great political parties behind a cheap con man, a petty crook, a serial sexual abuser, a minority-blaming fear-monger, a racist sack of trash, a wannabe authoritarian doing all he can to knock down the fundamental pillars of American democracy

We're angry you're trying to steal health care from millions of us just to give a fat stack of money to your billionaire donors.

We're angry that you've pulled us out of the Paris Climate Agreement, that you pretend climate change is fake in order to better do the bidding of the fossil fuel companies that fund your party.

We're angry that you refuse to conduct oversight as the President and his grifter family repeatedly break the law doing all they can to use their office to line their own pockets.

We're angry that you stand silently by as the President attacks the judiciary and the press, as he lies about voter fraud. Obviously we're angry that you stand behind a dirtbag who incited violence time and time again on the campaign trail, and somehow act like any criticism of him, however legitimate, is to blame for this morning's tragedy.

We're angry that you shield the administration from the consequences of their crimes. That you refuse to hold them to account for their perjury and their obstruction.

We're angry that you're trying to destroy Planned Parenthood, that you don't believe women have the right the make decisions about their own reproductive health, their own bodies.

We're angry that you refused to recognize LGBT Pride month, that you act like the great civil rights battle of the 21st century is fighting to allow bigots legal cover to humiliate and discriminate against their fellow Americans under the comical guise of "religious liberty."

We're angry that you're shitting on our constitution in a cowardly, fear-driven attempt to impose a religious test on refugees and immigrants.

We're angry at the surge in civilian casualties in the increasingly unsupervised military actions in the Middle East.

We're angry that you're trying to cut everything from medical research to the State Department to NPR to meals on wheels just so the richest among us can be a little richer.

We're angry that you're trying to sell public lands to fossil fuel companies. We're angry that you're selling out public schools. We're angry that you're trying to steal away our hard-won consumer protections to make it easier for predatory financial institutions to take advantage of us. We're angry that you're attacking net neutrality.

We're angry that you find yourself in power at least partially because of the malicious actions of a hostile foreign adversary, and that you're doing everything you can muster to cover up for them, to shield those who benefited from accountability.

And yes, we're angry, by the way, that you've done everything in your power to make sure that guns, even semi-automatic guns with high capacity magazines, are pathetically easy for anyone to get ahold of without trouble, even domestic abusers like the man who shot up the GOP congressional baseball practice this morning. You may recall a few weeks ago, when you repealed a regulation that made it harder for the mentally ill to purchase firearms. We're mad about that, too. We're angry about all the senseless, useless, utterly preventable gun deaths, from Sandy Hook to Aurora to Pulse to the shooting at a UPS facility in San Francisco just today, all enabled by your shameful servility to death merchants in the NRA. We're not just angry about the mass shootings, of course. We're angry about the children who die when they find their guardian's unsecured gun. The victims of gang violence. The countless women murdered by abusive partners. The suicides that need not have been. The arguments that turned fatal because a firearm was near. The law enforcement officers killed by armed criminals. And all those lives lost just from gun accidents. You're goddamn right we're angry.

In short, we are, you're right, mighty fuckin' angry about a whole bunch of shit that we are 100%, completely, totally, overwhelmingly CORRECT TO BE ANGRY ABOUT. Anyone who loves their country, their planet, and their fellow human beings is going to be angry about this shit.

And now, we're even angrier at the bullshit double-standard you're applying to this tragedy in contrast to all the others. That you have the gall to attempt to order us into silence while you keep destroying our nation under the bumbling "leadership" of the petty tyrant goon you're all so willingly enabling is as galling as it is laughable. I feel like I'm repeating myself, but Fuck Right Off.

We're not shutting up, Newt, sorry. We'll continue overwhelming your call boards, protesting at your town halls, and marching in the streets. We will continue to meet your horrific agenda with the hostility it so richly deserves. And come election night next year, we're kicking your sorry, collaborating asses straight to the private sector.

And today felt like a SLOW news day. Fuck.

Well, I suppose today's madness was comparatively light. (Scans news feed.) Wow, my standards sure have changed this year.

We all went to bed worrying about whether the Malignant Mango Madman would fire Robert Mueller. Even Republican leaders are all, "Sweet Christ on Toast, don't do that, you potato-brained moron!," and we're assured that top aides keep telling him what a terrible idea it is, but as smarter folks than I have pointed out, only Donnie Darko himself knows exactly how much garbage Mueller's eventually going to dig up, so good luck restraining a tantruming billionaire looking to avoid the consequences for a lifetimes' worth of what we can assume are legit serious crimes. Cornered animals are legendarily docile and friendly, right?

So I guess Oliver Stone is makin' the rounds pimping some great big multi-part asslicking interview he shot with Uncle Vlad? While I'll be the first to acknowledge that the United States isn't always the Good Guy out there in the lager world, Stone is one of those lunatics who's swung so far left he's coming back around from the right, taking criticism of his country so far that he's talking up the positive sides of a murderous thug. "Sure, he has critics jailed or killed, but his enthusiastic fandom of professional bowling is really quite endearing!"

Speaking of Ollie's good buddy, Bloomberg told us that Russia tried to hack voter databases and election software in 39 states last year. That's not a big deal, I mean, there are like, 6,000 states, right? Wait, what? Just 50? Well, fuck.

Anyhow, it seems the hackers tried to "alter or delete" voter data. The story as it stands right now is that they were somehow 100% unsuccessful in their efforts. Which, considering a handful of swing state votes planted a certain second-place finisher in charge of the most potent military in the history of the world, strikes me as something worth following up on. Anyhow, in light of these cyber attacks, the Obama administration tried to take steps to protect the integrity of our election systems, but Republicans, who had already balked at telling the American people that Vlad & co were interfering in our election on Drumpfy's behalf, refused, because if you have to betray your nation to cut rich folks' taxes, SO FUCKING BE IT.

Meanwhile, the Guardian tells us that Princess Ivanka has her Kellyanne-Conway-endorsed products made in an Indonesian sweatshop that cheats and abuses their barely-paid workers! Forgive my editorializing, friends, but I'm starting to think this Trump family maybe doesn't always act altruistically.

Hey, turns out the Golden State Warriors celebrated their NBA championship by voting, allegedly unanimously, to skip the traditional celebratory White House visit on account of how the President is a hatemongering bowl of hippopotamus diarrhea instead of a relatively well-intentioned human being like usual. Good on ya, Warriors!

Seems the Senate GOP, in their ever-more-desperate attempts to keep their forthcoming Surprise (We're Taking Away Your Health Care, Enjoy Cancer) Party a secret, decided to take Boss Shart's authoritarianism out for a little test drive. These fucks tried telling reporters that, in spite of decades of precedent, they'd no longer be able to record interviews with Senators in Senate hallways without a permission slip and also answering seven riddles. Backlash was swift, unanimous*, and effective, as the policy was reversed before the daytime soaps were over.

*Well, ALMOST unanimous. Senator Tim Scott came up with the novel excuse that the new ban was necessary to protect poor, innocent senators from having their PINs stolen by treacherous journalists, because that's literally the closest thing to a legitimate reason for public servants attacking the free press any of these assclowns could muster.

Have you noticed that the Pneumatic Poo Dispenser has started blocking critical Twitter users? It's totally normal for an American President to deny American citizens access to his communications, right? RIGHT? Anyhow, in his fervor to silence dissent, he seems to have added VoteVets, an organization that represents thousands of veterans and their families, to his silent treatment list. Telling veterans to go fuck themselves is the new We Have Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself. Or something.

John McCain made some comments the other day that were super critical of the Spraytan Sultan, and today he walked them right back like the MINO (that's Maverick In Name Only, if you're just getting here) he is. And then today, it turns out that his wife is going to work for the President, WHAT A ZANY COINCIDENCE.

Anyhow, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein's testimony was the day's opening act, and while he's not as established as the headliner, I think his new single, "I'm the Only Guy Who Can Fire Mueller and I Wouldn't Do it Without Cause Even if Littlefinger Ordered Me To," is catchy and will become a surprise summer hit.

On to main event.

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III took an oath he was planning to immediately, repeatedly, and gleefully violate, turned around in place three times, and finally settled into his chair. The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg was barkin' mad about all the vile insinuations that arose from a silly ol' thing like committing perjury in multiple settings regarding undisclosed meetings with Russian bigwigs while Russia was doing all it could to swing the election to his Bloat of a boss. His honah was impugned, y'see.

Anyhow, to hear JeffBeau tell it, he only done perjured himself so bad because that tricksy Jewish boy from Minnesota tripped him up with his fancy questionin' and whatnot, YOU KNOW HOW THOSE PEOPLE ARE.

It all went down exactly as you'd have expected. The Republicans on the panel did all they could to prop up the bullshit story that Ol' Beau violated his recusal to recommend Jim Comey's firing in a fit of outrage at how unfairly Jimward treated that poor Clinton woman. Richard Burr covered Jeff's ass so vigorously, you want to refer to him as an Alabama Speedo. Tom Cotton joked about how everything is silly like a spy book, and Jefferson smiled awkwardly because he cannot read.

And the Democrats, in contrast, asked REAL questions, which the Attorney General steadfastly refused to answer. Sessions repeatedly insisted he wasn't invoking executive privilege, but rather a for-sure-real Special Sumthin' that gives him the right to not answer questions if he doesn't wanna, let's call it...Muxecupive Scmivlige.

A particular highlight was when America's lead law enforcement official told us casually that he's never had a single briefing on Russian interference in the election. Reminds you of last week, when Jazzy Jim told us that while the Sunny D-Bag kept trying to get all those pesky investigations stopped, he never once asked about Russian interference either. Maybe I'm not being fair here, but it's almost as if this administration doesn't want a hostile foreign power to stop manipulating America's electoral system on their behalf. (Somewhere, Jim Risch collapses on a fainting couch.)

All the Republicans took special care to shush Senator Kamala Harris because she is not only a female person but a black one, and Mistuh Sessions simply would not abide bein' talked down to by someone of such persuasions. If you'd been able to read Jeff's mind at that precise moment, he'd have been thinking "back in my day..." and finished that thought with something genuinely horrifying that I'd as soon not contemplate.

Anyhow, even though Senators Harris, King and Heinrich made him squirm a bit for spoutin' all that gentlemanly bullshit, Sessions mostly smirked and filibustered through the hearing, confident that the Republican-controlled Senate wouldn't hold him in contempt of congress just because he was in contempt of congress. I swear, these jags must think tomorrow never will just never fucking come.

While his white supremacist bloodhound testified, the Candycorn Skidmark was talking up his Let's Mulch the Plebes, excuse me, "Health Care" bill with some other senators, and he called the house version of the AHCA "mean," which is a bit like referring to the most famous day in Pompeii history as "a bit muggy." If it was so "mean," can I ask why you threw the full power of your office and pulpit behind it, and held a giant fucking party in the Rose Garden when they passed it, you great big Shart?

Oh, and it turns out even USA Today is on the deep-dig investigative journalism bandwagon, (which David Fahrenthold was doing before it was cool) cuz they dropped a little bomb about how the Drumpf Organization increasingly sells property to shady, secretive, LLC shell companies to shield the identities of the buyers so it's harder to find out just exactly who's bribing our President. We have all sorts of problems we never imagined in Donald Trump's America, don't we?

Anyhow, on the less sexxxy level, Team Shart continues to rampage through the Federal government on the cabinet level. They're trying to gut the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau's independence. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke wants to sell chunks of the Bear Ears National Monument to oil companies or Scrooge McDuck or something, because even the Secretary of the Interior is a fuckhead now. Rex Tillerson keeps dutifully advocating for his boss' massive cuts to the State Department, mostly because Rex seems to think that'll be easier than taking the time to learn what exactly it is the State Department does. Scott Pruitt is probably personally pouring oil on baby otters. These people suck, is what I'm saying.

Times are nutty and gross folks, but at least we can take comfort in the knowledge that Old Shartful's disapproval ratings hit 60% today, lower than any President except Dubya, and that was after years of fucking up the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and also the Katrina debacle.

Everybody hates him, and his party, and we're one day closer to our chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. And that's good.

Seriously, this shit has to be an elaborate prank, right? RIGHT?

Whelp, the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard takes his turn on the hot seat tomorrow; he tried to sneak by with a private hearing, but nobody was having any of that shit, so America gets to watch the Yokel of Injustice refuse to answer questions tomorrow afternoon, live! in stunning Technicolor!

Keep your eye on the lawsuit filed by the Maryland and D.C. Attorneys General* regarding the Shart Administration's violations of the emoluments clause. These OG AGs say their first target will be the ever-elusive Trumpal tax returns, which surely contain some serious shit if he's still holding on to them. I really can't imagine what he's hiding that's worth the backlash and headache. Direct deposits labeled "Putin bribe fund?" 10,000 per month for pee hookers? Sponsorship of the Annual Goldman Sachs Kitten and Puppy BBQ? Kickstarter to relaunch Walker: Texas Ranger? I don't know what it is, but it's gotta be fucking AWFUL.

I hear that MINO (That's "Maverick in Name Only" John McCain told some folks that America was better off under Barack Hussein Obama than it is under Donald J (The J stands for "Shit-eating Assclown" Trump, before returning to the Senate to continue voting for EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING DRUMPF ASKS FOR because John-John plays it the company way, every goddamn time.

Would-be Soylent Green Factory Foreman Mick Mulvaney told us he's "never going back" to electoral politics once he goes down with the rest of the Shartanic, proving that even the darkest clouds have a silver fucking lining.

Meanwhile, certain corners of the right-wing media Bubba-ul feigned outrage that Kirsten Gillibrand used the F(uck) Word, before the party got back to rearranging the health care system into a poor-people-murdering machine at the behest of their pussy-grabbing leader.

Oh, and Princess Ivanka went on Fux and Friendz to complain about how VICIOUS the political culture is, somehow oblivious to all the violence-inciting, sexual-assaulting, minority-blaming, family-wrecking, DREAMer-deporting, race-baiting, law-breaking, constitution-wrecking, and health-care-obliterating her shitbag Daddy's been up to. Compare the "viciousness" your skidmark family deals with to the legit cruelty of Paul Ryan stealing health care from cancer patients because the Plebe Class doesn't deserve retirement, Princess, and once you're done, why don't you just go fuck yourself for all eternity.

Megyn Kelly continues her Great Assholes of the Twenty-First Century series this coming Sunday night with a special interview with Lunatic Hate Monster Alex Jones. That NBC announced an interview with a "Sandy Hook Truther" on the anniversary of the Pulse massacre is in such horrendous taste you'd think the idea emanated from Steve Bannon's desk. Anyhow, JP Morgan Chase pulled its ads from NBC in response, and I hope Megyn's interview draws fewer viewers than a televised Scrabble tournament, because fuck everybody who decided to give Alex Jones a bigger platform.

A week from Sunday, Kelly will probably interview Idi Amin's ghost. Or Bill Cosby.

Anyhow, we're learning more and more about the team of utterly unqualified lawyers the Marmalade Shartcannon has hired to deal with the hurricane-grade shitstorm of scandal he's in. He's got a team of lawyers with tremendous expertise...in totally irrelevant fields. It's a bit like assembling an Ocean's 11-esque squad of elite criminals...to face the Golden State Warriors in a basketball game.

Mark Corallo made the laughably incorrect argument that US Attorneys work for the President rather than people. Real estate lawyer Marc Kasowitz told Shart House staff not to worry about hiring their own attorneys, and allegedly wants office space in the actual White House. Jay Sekulow, primarily an operative for the religious right, suggests his boss might fire Robert Mueller. Point is, this pathetic clownstack is totally unsuited to the battle they've been hired to fight. FUCKING GOOD.

Mitch McConnell has decided to keep the Senate's Murder bill, excuse me "Health Care Reform" bill, secret until 11 seconds before he holds a vote on it, because he's a sharp cookie who knows the American people don't want to die from treatable ailments just so the richest people in the country can have enough money to buy sports teams and islands and I assume slaves will be on the table by 2019. I guess the plan is to slip the bill through in the dead of night and count on Boss Shart to suspend democracy before they have to face the consequences.

Meanwhile, the collection of Dickens villains calling themselves the House Freedom Caucus are threatening to take Drumpf's tax plan hostage unless he starves even MORE serfs to death, because Mark Meadows owes the Grim Reaper some poker debts, I guess.

Spankin' New Montana Congressthug Greg Gianforte was sentenced today. 40 hours of community service, a little anger management, and a fee lower than the cost of an iPhone. That's the price a public servant pays in the United States of America when he assaults a member of the press. I'll be that'll make the current regime think twice before they continue making lightly veiled threats of violence against the filthy, subhuman Lügenpresse! In other news, a poll revealed that a full 42% of Shart voters say bodyslamming a reporter is "appropriate," sleep tight.

The cabinet finally gathered for their first meeting this afternoon, which is totally normal, right? The Congealed Fart That Won the Electoral College spoke first, celebrating himself for accomplishing more than All the Presidents Ever, which is totally true if you just ignore the first 44 of them. He got mad at Democrats for obstructing all the nominations he has failed to make, and also for making his gigantic ass look fat in his golf pants, and for his stupid haircut, and for that time Stone Cold Steve Austin stunned him.

And then shit got good and righteously weird, as he made the whole Cabinet go around in a circle and talk about Great and Big-Handed he is, and because the Venn Diagram of "Republicans" and "People with Dignity" looks like a pair of spectacles, they obliged one by one. Nobody kissed ass quite like Rinse Pubis, whose little speech was possibly more spineless than all the jellyfish in all the oceans in all the world, but when the whole ritual was over, the rest of the Cabinet made him eat the soggy cracker anyway.

(Google "Soggy Cracker" if you don't know what I'm talking about. You're welcome.)

Chuck Schumer cut a little video trolling those groveling sycophants over all the orange dookie they got on their lips on CNN this afternoon, possibly because he's angling for a Netflix standup special. Look it up, it's good for a yuck.

Vlad Putin took time away from impersonating Nosferatu today just long enough to have a leading opposition figure jailed, and his fan club president, a certain unnamed bloated golfer, wrote him a long gushing love note about how Tuff and Strong he is, and how he wishes he could throw Jake Tapper and Nancy Pelosi and David Frum into a gulag, do you have any tips, and then he sprayed perfume on the letter and sealed it with a kiss and told Paul Ryan to hand-deliver it, and Paul Ryan did, because he has a wad of stale chewing gum where most people have a soul.

Pumpkin Spice Goebbels' travel ban got held up in another court today, either because it's super-duper-unconstitutional, or because all judges are cucks, depending on where you get your news. Sources say Stephen Miller was so upset he smacked his forehead so hard that his bald patch expanded into international waters.

Oh hey, and Human Rights Watch is investigating the United States for possible Geneva Convention violations, because the rampaging tumor that is our current administration isn't content to just fuck shit up in this hemisphere. Is the U.S. military illegally, and fucking horrifically, exploding white phosphorus over populated areas in Raqqa? As evil as the fucks running the country are, God I hope they haven't stooped this low. We shall see.

Illinois Representative Mike Quigley introduced some legislation that would make a certain tiny-fingered, thin-skinned, wannabe Pol Pot's tweets official Presidential records, with all the responsibility and legal implications that go along with that, and because Democrats can crack wise, chew gum, and fight for justice all at once, he called it the COVFEFE ACT, and my sources tell me he rubbed his balls on it before submitting it to congress.

Cheez-It-Late-Period-Brando's poll numbers continue to seek the lowest point of the Mariana Trench. 36-59 today. It's almost as though insulting Schwarzenegger's ratings and enabling coal-ash dumping into public water supplies haven't made America great again. ("Strongly approve" is down to 20%. TEE FUCKING HEE.)

Three U.S. soldiers were killed in Afghanistan on Saturday, and our President hasn't said one single word about them. But he sure as shit had time to call James Comey a coward and hang out with the Clemson football team, because the withered raisin that is our President's ego will always, ALWAYS matter more to him than any other human beings' lives.

Oh, and apparently SCROTUS wants to fire Rugged Robert Mueller to keep him from investigating All The Crimes, but all his aides are like "SWEET JESUS DON'T DO THAT," but they've had so much success getting him to stop tweeting I don't have a lot of hope on this front so I'll see y'all at the constitutional crisis on Thursday.

There's more. There's ALWAYS FUCKING MORE. There's shit about the G7's climate statement and a fucking bill to make it easier to buy silencers because there's not quite enough murder in America, and there's a new article of impeachment, and I guess Dennis Rodman is going to North Korea, what could go wrong? I read this crap all goddamn day long and I can barely keep up. Shit be cray, is all I'm sayin'.

*How fucking cool do I feel for getting to say "Attorneys General" in my post tonight? I feel like, 87% of Leonard Cohen cool.

Been gone awhile. Shit still cray?

Hey there folks. So, I've been out of town for a few days, and I'm trying to catch up on the news real quick. Maybe you can help me out. Is shit still cray? Is shit still breathtakingly, overwhelmingly, face-smashingly, bat-shittingly cray?

I actually took off just as that Jim Varney fellah was doing his Ernest Goes to Testify Before the Senate Intelligence Committee show, and I missed a lot of it. I understand John McCain was wandering around the Senate floor with his hospital gown on backwards or some shit, and I lack the words to describe how sorry I am to have missed the Party-Line Maverick making an ass of himself.

Anyhoo, from what I gather, Jazzy Jim went under oath and was all, "Yeah, all the shit you've read is true, Orange Julius Caesar tried to get me to lay off Flynn and back down on Russia and then he fired me cuz I wouldn't and if you don't believe me watch that Lester Holt interview where he said it himself. Also I leaked shit about the totally-unclassified memos I took in order to pressure the Justice Department into appointing a special counsel which is exactly what happened CHECK AND MATE BITCHES!!!!" and then he twerked on the table for a bit I was told.

Seems the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard finds himself in deeper shit than ever before. Y'know how JeffBeau always has that strained, vacant, vaguely terrified expression in every photo he takes, like he just sat on a pie and he's scared to stand up? Don't know if you've noticed, but there's more fear in his eyes every single week, as the walls keep closin' on in.

That is the look of a man who understands his day of reckoning is at hand.

And considering that it turns out that yet another undisclosed meeting between Sessions and certain unsavory Russians has surfaced, meaning the distinguished Attorney General has extra-special, super-deluxe, whipped-cream-and-a-maraschino-cherry-on-top perjured himself, expect those beady little eyes of his to keep gettin' wider and wider until he looks like a fucking anime caricature of the mediocre Alabama trash that he is.

And so Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III has cancelled a public hearing scheduled for Tuesday in favor of a private one, in which he is expected to more or less reenact that John Turturro scene in MILLER'S CROSSING.

At any rate, Team Shart's strategy seems to be to just declare victory and hope that if they keep popping champagne and ordering congratulatory ice cream cakes, nobody will pay attention when the impeachment trial starts.

But anyone who understands anything about the law is telling us the Comey testimony built a mightily damning case for obstruction of justice, but don't worry, Shart-Shart, your lawyer sent out a letter that mis-spelled "President," so you'll be fine.

Of course, at Fox and Breitbart, everything is peachy-keen. The ratings may be plummeting and the advertisers may be fleeing, but they're merrily concocting their alternate reality where Shart Garfunkel wins everything up to and including the NBA MVP and coal mining jobs keep falling from the sky like so much pigeon shit.

Seriously, the shrinking/shrieking right-wing media bubble has learned one big lesson from their Russian hacker friends: their customers are even bigger rubes and riper marks than they'd ever dreamed. "Shit, if these assholes are willing to believe the Clintons run a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza restaurant, what won't they buy? All these years we thought we were pushing the edges of credibility, turns out we were holding back!" So there's no lie too big to tell, and in the end, these fucks will surely be able to fool some of the people all of the time.

Anyway, America's Least Favorite Poop Mistake decided to check off a bunch of boxes all at once, say Joltin' Jim was dirty lying liar who lies except for all the places where he completely vindicated Boss Shart of all wrongdoing and also he's the one who leaked everything ever and even tried to sell pirated downloads of the Baywatch movie but nobody wanted to see it so JOKE'S ON YOU, JIMBO.

He also thought he'd be a Big Tuff Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Gets His Poo in the Bowl at Least Sometimes Now by calling Jim a COWARD, and then immediately cancelled his state visit to England because he's afraid of being protested by a bunch of dudes with bad teeth who listen to Morrissey.* And we all laughed at him.

Speaking of laughing at him, I guess the big GOP strategy to defend the Marmalade Shartcannon's...shall we say, "questionable" actions...is to say "Well, he's just a big fat fucking idiot who doesn't understand what he's saying or doing."

Seriously. "He can't collude with his own government." That's Lindsey Graham's honest-to-god best shot at dismissing the ever-snowballing Russia scandal. That's Lindsey Graham HELPING. "Surely this childlike dipshit, who can't collude his way into tying his necktie at an appropriate length, isn't capable of managing a conspiracy at any level." Well no, Lindsey Ol' Boy, that's why it's being uncovered so quickly and easily. Anyway, he can launch nukes whenever he wants to, sleep tight!

Oh, and did I see that Toupee Fiasco got so cocky that he offered to testify under oath? Hah. Hahhahahhaah. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAH. He's gonna want that one back, folks.

And wasn't there something where Dorito Mussolini and his hopelessly overmatched "Secretary of State" declared opposite positions on Qatar within like, an hour of each other? I'm really asking. The line between parody and reality is an atom's width these days.

And something happened in England, or Narnia, or someplace, right? Theresa May decided she wanted her picture in Webster's next to "hubris" and everybody's reading "British Politics For Dummies" and generally hoping that recent European elections are evidence that the citizens of the Western World have learned their lesson from watching the Ringling Brothers Except With Authoritarianism and Incompetence Instead of Acrobats and Clowns Show we've been putting these last six months. Good for you, Europe...got any room on your couch?

I see a bunch of Democrats have decided to sue over the emoluments clause, for the PETTY CUCK REASON that the Drumpf Family Robinshart keeps doing all it can to rake in every nickel they can get their inbred little hands on, whether by pimping visas in China or just setting up an empty mop bucket in the lobby of their D.C. hotel with a crudely drawn sign reading "Bribes go heer" in purple crayon. Since the GOP is just trying to sneak as many federal judges as they can through the Senate before this whole thing blows up in their faces, I guess we have to leave silly shit like "the constitutional duty to conduct oversight" and "enforcing the law" up to the courts. Wheeeee.

I'm seeing that Drumpf gave Head Weasel in Charge Reince Pubis until the Fourth of July to just...fix everything, fucking EVERY SINGLE THING THAT'S FUCKED WHICH IS A LOT OF FUCKING THINGS or he's bringing Corey Lewandowski in to cause more problems and also assault more female reporters or somesuch. Looking to Corey Lewandowski for help in a crisis is a bit like trying to swallow cough syrup while you're drowning, so by all means...proceed.

There's more, I know. Shit with Reza Aslan and Dana Rohrabacher and some heavily armed cosplayers screeching about Shania law, but I was on the road for 8 hours today, so I've gotta let some shit slide.

Anyway, I know I missed a bunch of stuff. Help me out. Catch me up. I'm back in the saddle tomorr...wait what? The little Shartkins are up in arms over a production of JULIUS CAESAR and they're getting corporate sponsors to pull out?

Fuck this Shit. Make art. Resist. Take your motherfucking country back. VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.

I'm tired. Bedtime.

*I fucking love Morrissey, and my teeth are merely average. Point is, luv u, Great Britain.

This shit is real, right? I'm not just hallucinating all this shit?

Well Resisters, America's two Racist Dads are fighting! The media is chock full of reports that the Marmalade Shartcannon and his Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard find themselves at odds! Shartboy's all hot n' bothered that Ol' Beau recused himself from the Russia investigation for the lil' ol' reason that he was caught a-perjurin' hisself before the cawngress. Sources tell me the President hit Sessions several times on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, while proclaiming Sessions to be a "bad boy," and Beau retaliated by whizzing on the Oval Office carpet.

It's a weird kind of sad when two withered old Klansmen, brought together by their shared certainty in the innate superiority of mediocre white dudes like themselves are pushed apart by their own blistering incompetence. Did I say sad? Wait, I meant FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Speaking of hilarious, it seems the Hairplug That Ate Decency is having trouble finding lawyers to defend him in the whole Russia shitstorm. Turns out a lifetime of stiffing contractors makes it hard to employ top-of-the-line professionals when the shit gets Legit Real. Oh well. I'm sure Michael Cohen can handle things, TEE FUCKING HEE.

Amateur Congressman/World-Class Pigfucker Devin Nunes keeps playing these weird little games where he acts all impish about whether or not he's actually recused himself from the Russia investigation, or if he's still blocking for the Shart House with all the finesse of a Beetle Bailey character played by Dane Cook. You almost feel bad for poor Devin. He's the single most likely figure in this whole drama to wind up imprisoned; not necessarily because of wrongdoing, but because he's the kind of dude who could accidentally lock himself in a closet.

The Shart of the Deal apparently hit on the genius idea of paying for his Big Stupid Mexican Border Wall by covering it with solar panels! I guess Mexico owns the Sun now, because personally I was told they'd be paying for this wall. Maybe he can sell ads, and the Wall will be covered in posters promising miracle penis enlargement cures.

We learned that Eric "We Only Dropped Him Twice" Drumpf runs a charity that raises money for kids with cancer, good for him! Only, apparently his dad used the charity as a revenue stream, not so good for him! Yeah, the Shart Family Robinson would announce big schmancy charity golf games at Drumpf-owned courses, and they'd tell everyone Donnie Cheapskate donated the course time out of the goodness of his heart, but then later they'd not only claim course rental fees, but unusually large ones, because these are the kinds of purely evil scumfucks who would steal money from CHILDREN WITH CANCER.

In a bit of irony so dark it'd make Alanis Morissette wither to dust and blow away in the wind, Eric went on Hannity THE VERY SAME DAY THE STEALING-FROM-KIDS-WITH-CANCER STORY BROKE to tell everyone how the people standing up to his pussy-grabbing, cheap crook, STEALS FROM KIDS WITH CANCER shitsack dad are "not even people." Anyway, thanks for sending ever-stronger signals to deranged rage monsters like the guy who just slit three strangers' throats in Portland that we're all subhuman, and therefore totally ok to murder, Eric. You're gonna get reincarnated as nursing home toilet bowl, bro.

The news from Kansas, meanwhile, was fan-fucking-tastic, as Sam Brownback's zany "experiment" in strangling government to death like a common piss hooker seems to have finally run its course! Sick of problems like "We can't even afford to keep schools open, is this even America?," even the REPUBLICANS in the Kansas legislature overrode Goody Brownback's veto of his failed tax cuts, beginning the Sunflower State's slow, painful climb back into the 21st century.

Didja see that shit where the Big Saudi Arms Deal that the Candycorn Skidmark couldn't stop crowing about isn't actually a Big Arms Deal but a Big Fat Fucking Sham? Yeah, turns out, it's a bunch of raw horseshit where the Saudis made a big list of Shit We Might Buy Someday if the Price of Oil Ever Goes Up Again but importantly involves NO ACTUAL CONTRACTS so it's like the arms deal equivalent of talking about the sweet full-torso tattoo of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers poster you're gonna get someday when you save up the cash.

ISIS staged a major terrorist attack in Tehran, Iran. Now, I get that Iran and the USA aren't exactly on the sorts of terms where one nation calls up the other at 9:15 to see if hey, you wanna go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 again, maybe grab some churros later?, but the Shart Administration's "Oh did a bunch of innocent people die in a terrorist attack in your country, SUCKS THAT YOU DESERVED IT SO MUCH" statement was perhaps a wee bit gauche.

We woke up today to the news that Donald J Trump (The J stands for "I want to fuck my own daughter, is that weird?" had nominated Some Dude to head up the FBI after he fired the last dude who ran the FBI for refusing to demonstrate "loyalty," so the whole nation was immediately filled with confidence in the new guy. And hey, if the dude happened to work at a firm that's worked previously for the Drumpf family, and if he happened to defend Chris Christie in Bridgegate, well...shit, he doesn't even crack the Top Ten Most Corrupt Fucksticks in This Administration list, so let's just give him an expense account and a banana plantation, ok?

Anyhow, four soggy old white guys went to the Senate today to give some testimony or some shit. They had this super-clever plan to not answer the questions they didn't want to answer, and chuckle amongst themselves when nobody noticed.

Folks noticed.

All the Democratic, and even some of the Republican Senators on the committee were all, "Y U NO ANSWER QUESTIONS, OLD WHITE GUYS," and the Old White Guys were like "Because, REASONS," and the Senators were like "That is some raw, unfiltered, bullshit you are serving us, and you are telling us it is a delicious steak but IT IS NOT A DELICIOUS STEAK IT IS BULLSHIT." Senator Martin Heinrich got all mad, and Senator Angus King got even madder, and Senator Kamala Harris tried to get mad, but then Senator Richard Burr went "Hush little lady, the menfolk is talking" because Senator Richard Burr is trash.

Anyway, the POINT is, Admiral Mike Rogers and DNI Dan Coats (who spent the hearing looking vaguely frightened that the hearing would go on so long that he'd miss the MATLOCK marathon running this afternoon) were repeatedly asked whether or not Shartolo Colon asked them to interfere in the Russia investigation, and they refused to say No, which is what a normal person would do if the answer was No, so, y'know, draw the only logical conclusion you could.

Anyhow, I heard some other dude is testifying tomorrow....Jim Varney, or something? I dunno, it's probably not a big deal.

Whoever this Varney guy is, he released a text version of his opening statement this afternoon, because la-dee-da, he is HOT SHIT. It basically confirms all the stories that've leaked these last few weeks, that the President was all "Hey Jimmy, do me a solid and ease off my buddy Mike Flynn, what's a few federal crimes between Best Bud Bros, WHICH IS WHAT WE TOTALLY ARE, RIGHT?" and "Hey, Jimbo, know what's so much more important than a bunch of cabinet secretaries perjuring themselves and having an unregistered foreign agent as the NSA and a hostile foreign power interfering in American elections, and piss hookers NOT THAT ANYONE LIKES PISS HOOKERS? Loyalty. LOYALTY TO YOUR PRESIDENT WHO IS COINCIDENTALLY ME." Also that bit where he told Jeff Sessions "Hey, don't leave me alone with the President, he is trying to destroy the fundamental pillars of American Democracy and he also might not notice I don't have a pussy until his tiny fingers are clenching my scrotum."

Mike Pence made a few headlines by cancelling an interview with PBS at the very last minute. The popular narrative is that he ducked out to deal with the fallout of the release of the Comey testimony, but I think we all know that he accidentally glimpsed an unusually shapely fire hydrant and had the secret service whisk him to a secure location to furiously fap until he passed out in a puddle of shame and the gooey, stale-marshmallow-like substance that serves as his dirty, sinful, spooj.

Anyhow. Shit, as scientists have observed, be cray. Things'll get really nutty tomorrow, but I will be traveling, let me know how it goes, folks.

And please...remember to live every week like it's Infrastructure Week.
Go to Page: 1 2 Next »