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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 386

Journal Archives

No rant tonight, alas...

...because I'm REALLY REALLY close to launching the website! Spending the evening crossing some t's and dotting some i's.

Working up some fun new content that I think (hope) y'all will get some kicks from.

ANYHOW, I know there's been some deeply cray shit going on the last couple of days, and I hope to have a piece ready for you tomorrow evening, or maybe even afternoon.

Thanks so much for all your support these last few months, folks.

Love,

TheFerret, aka Shower Cap (look for more from that name very soon...)

Houston drowns while Drumpf Tweets

I try to take the weekends off, y'know?

Watch some baseball, read a little, sleep in...step away from the news. And then I pick it back up on Monday, and it's like every horror-movie scream in history stacked one on top of the other, blasted directly into my brain via Beats By Dr. Dre.

Madness. Motherfucking MADNESS.

Now, I know the insanity comes at us fast and hard these days, and it's easy to lose track of shit, but I imagine we'll be talking about the Mother of All Friday News Dumps for years to come, right?

"The Gulf Coast is about to be hit with the most severe hurricane this nation has seen in a decade, GOOD LUCK and bythewaywe'rebanningtransgendersoldiersandpardoningJoeArpaioandwefiredtheNaziguy ANYHOW I'VE GOT GOLF, BYE LOSERS!"

Fuck.

Well, Seb Gorka doesn't collect a government paycheck anymore, and that, if nothing else, is good gnus.

Sources say Gorka will now resume work on his long-delayed plan to transfer his brain into a steam-powered mechanical body, in order to fight Hellboy.

...Or he'll just rejoin Breitbart, whichever's easier.

Before we dive into the humanitarian crisis on the gulf coast, can I take a moment to draw your attention to a tragedy that may've flown under your radar amidst all the photos and videos of bravery and human suffering?

I'm told poor Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar are suffering regular "punctures" to their "self-esteem" as they service their turdweasel patriarch's corrupt, chintzy, grifter administration.

So open your hearts and your wallets for these two spoiled adult children of ill-gotten privilege, who've spent their entire lives spending money their shitty parents stole from other people, for their fee-fees have been injured. Of all the many travesties of the Shart Administration, surely this is the greatest*.

*Shut up, kid-whose-mom-got-deported-while-you-were-at-school, THINK OF IVANKA'S SELF-ESTEEM YOU SELFISH BRAT.

If you have any thoughts and prayers left, pour 'em out for poor ole John Bolton, who has lost his access to the Misshapen Play-Doh Manatee under John Kelly's new Keep the Raving Lunatics Away From the Levers of Power initiative.

Bolton finds himself forced to communicate with the President via National Review column, like some common Fux n' Frenz host. Poor fellah. It's especially painful, cuz the Mustachioed One offers a bullshit excuse for weaseling out of the Iran Nuclear deal, even as Donnie Darko presses his intelligence communities for that very thing.

I'd also like to take a moment to salute American Hero Gary Cohn, Sharty McFly's chief economic advisor, who very nearly resigned over his dirtbag boss' Let-us-not-ignore-the-friendly-Nazis-amongst-the-murdering-terrorists remarks after Charlottesville, but...didn't.

Perhaps we can replace one of the fallen confederate monuments with a statue of Gary Cohn telling the press he almost resigned but decided to continue collaborating with his Nazi apologist boss instead, looking expectantly for praise that never comes.

Speaking of Charlottesville, we're finally getting around to arresting some of the more violent scumfucks from that white supremacist riot. I guess if you get caught on video firing a gun into a crowd, or participating in a little Klan gang beatdown, there are consequences, even in Donald Trump's Amerikkka.

...as I write this, SCROTUS hasn't pardoned any of these fucks yet, but we all know how much he hates sharing the headlines with a natural disaster, so, y'know...no promises if you're reading this tomorrow morning.

Ok. The hurricane. Holy shit, folks. 9 trillion gallons of water dumped on the Texas coast. Highways under water. The national guard mobilized. A civilian fleet mobilized like an American Dunkirk. People suffering. People dying.

And the President of the United States tweeting about how well he did in Missouri on election night. Shilling a book by perhaps the only law enforcement officer even MORE murderous than Joe Arpaio.

Oh, and he's still insisting that Mexico will gladly pay us Tuesday for a Big Dumb Wall today. I'll refer you to Vicente Fox on this particular point.

And mega church "pastor" Joel Osteen refuses to open the doors of his Houston Griftplex to flood victims, because Jesus never said anything about ministering to the poor if there was a risk of getting your nice carpet all muddy.

Hey, anybody who still buys the Reverend Joel's phony schtick after this failure of character deserves what they get, in this life or the next, says I.

The Velveeta Urinal Cake reversed an Obama-era policy scaling back the transfer of military-grade weaponry to local police departments, because he watches old videos of the horrifying police response in Ferguson a few years back the way most of us periodically binge the cartoons and sitcoms we grew up on; with a sense of nostalgic whimsy about How the World Oughta Be.

Lemme get back to that Arpaio pardon real quick, cuz...holy shit. Dude sets up a concentration camp on American soil, tortures people in it, fakes an assassination attempt, jails critical journalists, costs the state millions in payouts, defies the law, sticks his wrinkly, racist-ass, old-man middle finger up at a court order, gets convicted, expresses not one ounce of remorse for any of it...and gets a Presidential pardon.

How toxic is this pardon? Fucking Jeff Sessions, who won't sleep in a bed if it doesn't have white sheets on it, made sure DoJ issued a statement saying "Fuckhead didn't run this by us, we had nothing to do with this shit."

I'm torn here, because on the one hand, this is probably Il Douche's biggest abuse of his power to date...on the other, it's also maybe his biggest accomplishment outside of Gorsuch, and sitting as we are on the brink of September, that is one goddamn pathetic statement.

Now Arpaio's talking about mounting a primary challenge to Jeff Flake...shit, maybe we'll have a Senate with Sheriff Joe and Kid Rock and probably Scott Baio and, oh, let's say Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man. Won't that be a fucking delight?

Ooooo...this one has to hurt. The CCO of Playboy, Hugh Hefner's son Cooper, ranted at length about how embarrassing it is that the Hairplug That Ate Decency once graced their cover.

The U.S. President is an embarrassment to pornographers. Jesus Fucking Christ.

We also found out that the Secret Service, already straining with bankruptcy, spent more than 7 grand on portable fucking toilets during President Shartcannon's 17-day staycation at his New Jersey golf course.

Y'know, the constitution grants the power to tax and spend for the "common defense and general welfare of the United States." I'm not sure where "Shitters for the Secret Service because the President can't stay in the White House for a week at a time" falls on that spectrum, if I'm honest.

And didja see that thing where Bloomberg told us that Team Shart's America Furst immigration crackdown sent home construction prices skyrocketing, to the surprise of only Those Who Think Shane Lives at the End?

Word is, President Scrotum Fungus is mad at his shitty, useless Secretary of State. Low-T-Rex just "doesn't get it, man, he's the establishment, maaaaaaaaaan!" And then Tilly went on the Sunday Shoz, and threw Boss Shart under the bus on his Nazi sympathizin' and whatnot. And Nikki Haley's gettin' all hot n' bothered.

Unsexy Rexy is hardly the only Cabinet Secretary backing away from Dorito Mussolini, by the way. A video of Jim "Angry Puppy" Mattis popped up, and he's talking to a crowd of soldiers, telling 'em, "Hey, shit be cray, I know it, you know it, just don't let the world fall apart, and we'll return to your Regularly Scheduled America in a year or three, pinky swear!"

I see GOP congressdouche Duncan Hunter said, of President Skidmark, "He's an asshole, but he's our asshole." Close, but not quite, Duncan. He's a shitty, incompetent, insecure, anti-American, wannabe-authoritarian shitbag, but he's YOUR shitty, incompetent, insecure, anti-American, wannabe-authoritarian shitbag." And fuck you for making excuses for him.

Speaking of congressfucks, I see Ron DeSantis (R-Vichy) introduced a bill to cut off Bashful Bob Mueller's funding and limit the scope of his investigation, because Ronnie-boy's angling to be a commandant in the secret police in the new world order, I guess.

Boy howdy, the Russia subplot came raging back with a vengeance over the last 24, didn't it?

Late last night, WaPo let errybody know that Drumpf and Co. were actively pursuing a real estate deal in Moscow even as he ran for President.

Following up, clownish mobster/FBI informant Felix Sater (Is he the guy from the Bond movies, or the guy from the Odd Couple, I forget?) got nailed by the Failing New York Times, sending emails to Mikey "Sez Who" Cohen, pushing a deal to get Uncle Vlad Putin on board with building a Drumpf Dower, er, Tower, in Moscow, to show off what a Big Fancy Deal-Maker he is, and make him President. "I will get Putin on this program and we will get Donald elected," Felix boasted.

And WaPo scooped back that Cohen emailed Uncle Vlad's personal spokesman in an effort to kickstart the project.

Weird, innit, that after months of scrutiny on Team Shart's Russia ties, that none of them ever thought to mention this? It's almost like they're lying to us.

And now the subpoenas are flying left and right, and word is Mueller's team is digging into the President's role in crafting the instantaneously-debunked bullshit statement Shartboy Jr made when NYT first uncovered his Please Please Let's Collude meeting from last summer.

Man, I just don't know how Mueller and Co. will be able to prove a pattern of obstruction of justice. Considering that the White House already confessed to influencing the statement in question.

"May You Live in Interesting Times," goes the curse, if I'm not mistaken.

Anyway. President Assclown took a few questions from the press today, making a colossal ass of himself, blathering about how pardoning Sheriff Joe on the eve of a massive hurricane was good for ratings, confusing two female reporters because they were both blonde, and talking about how well Russia and Finland got along during that one war where Russia invaded Finland.

Sigh.

'Member when we weren't governed by rampaging, full-diapered, man-baby? Those were goddamn glorious days, weren't they?

Of course, there must be more that I'm forgetting. There's always more, but the news is like a jackhammer to my brainstem right now, so you'll forgive me if I bow out for the night, won't you?

Piss Hookers and Debtor's Prisons, and Ultrasonics, OH MY

Kinda calm today, wasn't it? At least by the ever-plummeting standards of America in 2017? Nobody blew up Guam, so why make a fuss, right?

Today was merely dropping-acid-in-the-House-of-Mirrors crazy, rather than the Marquis-de-Sade-directs-a-SAW-film nightmare we're used to.

You wake up and you see your President got caught tweeting self-aggrandizing memes from white supremacists AGAIN, and you're like "Oh Donnie! You incorrigible little racist trash, you!" And you move on, because it's happened so many times, it barely even registers anymore.

Like a trope you're already tired of. Like a little directionless Niles-and-Daphne flirting.

Have we come to this so soon?

I see President Valor Thief finally turned his homework in to Mattis on his ass-backwards military transgender ban. Dammit. Kinda hoped he'd just forgotten about that.

Just so we're clear, Baron Golfin Von Fatfuk can kick Americans who've risked their lives for this nation out of the military, but he can't spare a passing sentence in his 75-minute jerk-off-fest down in Arizona to honor the 10 sailors who lost their lives at sea.

This administration is just a daily exercise in testing the boundaries of national shame, isn't it?

Speaking of chubby, aging, blowhards acting like tough guys, Cartoonishly Over-Groomed RageClown Roger Stone threatened any lawmakers who might be itchin' to impeach the Shittiest of All Possible Presidents with swift, violent, retribution from...I guess from the hordes of subpar turdwaffles that still support Cheeto Pol Pot.

Anyhow, judging from the Shart's inability to drag enough wrinkly old mediocrities out to fill a 5,000-capacity hall in Phoenix, and the pimply beta teens from the Charlottesville Klan Rally, I don't know that the turnout for this particular civil war will wind up being especially fearsome.

Oh, and Mike Flynn's lunatic dumbass son wants to get CNN declared a terrorist organization. Yup, just a normal, slow-news Thursday.

Politico tells us Shiny New Chief of Staff John Kelly instituted new standards to reroute the flow of information to President Bumpkin's desk through his own. Hopefully this undercuts Stephen Miller's ability to set policy with post-its that read "Only CUCKS believe in climate change."

Sheriff Joe Arpaio went on Hannity with a sobering message for America: "if they can go after me, they can go after anyone in this country.” My God, the TYRANNY! Can't a man illegally target and terrorize minorities? Bring the full weight of law enforcement down on innocent people in the name of white supremacy? Torture human beings in tents in the desert? Flaunt court orders, and repeatedly brag about doing so in the press? DEAR GOD, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND JOE ARPAIO IS A WHITE MAN? SURELY YOU FORGOT TO READ THE FINE PRINT.

In the spirit of Sheriff Joe, I hope you met that shitbag who sued South Carolina to force them to mass-produce confederate flag wrapping paper or some shit. He's a fucking PEACH.

America's Dorkiest Crime family, the Kushners, (debuting this fall on Must-See TV!) got fired by their public relationships firm, presumably for being an unpalatable combination of shitty, crooked, and dopey-lookin'.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but maybe their attempts to bring back debtor's prisons as the latest hip retro trend (it's like synth-pop revival, only with more class warfare!) had something to do with it.

I just worry this might distract young Jar-Jar from bringing peace to the Middle East. Make way for the Eternally-Just-About-to-Hit-Puberty Messiah, ye long-warring peoples of the Holy Land!

The Shart of the Deal, having calmly assessed the many (many*) failings of his first few months in office, seems to have decided that the problem was he didn't have enough enemies, so he set out to make a few more.

*MANY

He's screeching at Mitch McConnell and Thom Tillis cuz they refuse to shut the Russia investigation down, which is totally what any innocent person would do, right?

And he's feuding with Jolly James Clapper on the twitter, like a regular Tay-Tay and Katy Perry. Clapper was all, "Holy shit, this malicious, toddler-tempered, petty, dangerously incurious toe of man has nuclear codes," and Drumpf was all, "Be nice to me, Jimmy, or I'll show everybody that fanfic you wrote for me where I won the popular vote and Salma Hayek totally wants to date me," and the ClapperMan was all, "It was a form letter, you doorknob, I wrote one for Hilldawg, too, only hers didn't include that Please Don't Blow Up the Planet, You Fucking Infant bit I tacked onto the end of yours."

Rick Perry commissioned a study on the electrical grid, hoping to prove that Barack Hussein Obama and his gang of hooligan environmentalist regulators were beating up poor, innocent coal plants and taking their lunch money, but instead it says that cheap natural gas is the actual bully giving the coal industry a wedgie by the monkey bars after class, which is what everyone has been saying all along. THE SMART-GUY GLASSES AREN'T WORKING, RICK!

Of course, the report goes on to say the government should artificially prop up the dying coal industry at the expense of cheaper and cleaner energy sources, because...because Republicans, I guess.

And what's this I see? The infamous Mnuchbag-and-Wife trip may've been a taxpayer-funded excursion to get these plutocrat fucks a good seat to the eclipse? I tell ya folks, I am squinting from the blinding light of the raw POPULISM.

Texas' latest voter ID law got struck down, despite Ol' Beauregard Sessions' shocking heel turn a few weeks back, when he hit the Constitution with a steel folding chair and cut that promo where he said voting rights were just for white folks and WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN ALABAMA JEFF RUNS WILD ON YOUR RIGHTS?!?!

It's ok. It's just the Department of Justice, the highest law-enforcement authority in the country, taking sides against civil rights.

(This seems like a good time to shout out to all the JILL STEIN VOTERS, especially my homies in the RUST BELT! You guys were right! Hillary was just as bad! NEVER BREED!)

Meanwhile, Chuck Schumer's trolling Smallhands Magoo, saying "If you really wanna prove you're not the racist scumfuck everyone says you are, you can prove it by pulling the plug on KKKris KKKobach's sham voter fraud panel!"

I bet that works, Chuck. I mean, it's not like massive voter disenfranchisement is Team Shart's final, fading chance at holding onto power, right?

...wait.

I see that blubbering-in-terror white supremacist Chris Cantwell turned himself in, and was denied bail. Heh. Better hope there's more crying in prison than there is in baseball, Chris-Me-Lad.

On the Russia news front, the fellah who financed the Piss Hooker Dossier got grilled by Senate investigators, and stood by every golden word. Meanwhile, Russian diplomats keep dropping like flies, and yet ANOTHER instance of contact between the Shart campaign and Russian authorities has surfaced, despite denial upon denial that any such contacts ever occurred.

Ah well. Simple oversight, I'm sure. I'll be THIS one will be the last one, just like the last one was. And the one before that. And the one before that.

Have y'all seen this shit down in Cuba? A bunch of State Department employees and their families experiencing weird-ass medical symptoms that may or may not be the result of, I shit you not, ULTRASONIC SOUND WAVE ATTACKS?

Y'know what? No. Fuckin' NO. This one's a bridge too far, people. I don't know which one of you dropped me into this Ian Fleming novel, but I'd very much like to go back to the real world now, thank you very much.

And Axios reports the Shartcannon is leaning towards undoing DACA. Having proven incapable and frankly uninterested in doing anything to help any of his constituents, Don the Con falls back on simply hurting decent people his base happens to hate. PRESIDENTIAL.

A late-breaking WaPo piece details the mutual distrust between the CIA division involved in the Russia investigation and CIA director/Drumpf Flunky Mike Pompeo. Isn't it fun, wondering how far the political lackeys of our corrupt-as-balls chief executive will go to cover up his crimes?

It's good tv, I'll give it that. Tragic reality, but good tv. (Sobs.)

And now Tucker Carlson's whinging about all these uppity black players ruining football by suggesting that racism exists.

Fuck it, I'm out. If I missed anything, and I always do, it's because I knocked myself out pounding my face against my keyboard. Fuck. ARE WE THERE** YET?

** "THERE" meaning the GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Which you should vote in.

Shart on a Hot Tin Roof

Before we get started tonight, I want to do something a little different. This blog can come off a little bit Anti-Trump, but I want everybody to know that I am both fair AND balanced, and I am fully capable of giving credit where credit is due.

So a big fat fucking congratulations to President Shitgeyser on the official 1,000th Lie of His Presidency! Hell, I bet his real name isn't even Donald.

Where did we leave off last night...the Afghanistan speech? That was just a day ago? ONE DAY? Fuck me.

Well, Steve Bannon seems real bitter that Dorito Mussolini jumped into bed with the Generals so soon after their break-up last week, as evidenced by Breitbart taking a big fat dump on SCROTUS' Afghanistan War flip-flop.

I know it hurts, Steve. They haven't even gotten the smell of cheap vodka barf out of the carpet in your old office, and he's already giving lap dances to the globalist cucks, and you're wondering if he ever really loved you.

No one could love you, Bannon. Fuckin' just look at you.

Anyhow, what'll really burn Donnie's wide orange ass is learning that Barry O's Afghan Quagmire Ramp-Up Speech got MUCH higher ratings. That's right, you can't even escalate an unpopular war correctly, You Shart, You.

Word is, H.R. McMaster manipulated Little Donnie Smallhands into sending more American kids to die in the Graveyard of Empires by showing him a decades-old photograph of Afghan girls in mini-skirts. So yeah, our Idiot Manchild President is surrounded by military men who understand exactly how to manipulate him. SLEEP TIGHT.

Let's just say I'm keeping my eye on any sudden raises in the age of draftability.

Speaker Ryan, having been cucked out of his prime time CNN spot, was further cucked by the Nun who asked him "Why're you so shitty to poor folks, son? Don'tchoo know God's gonna give you a wedgie for All Eternity?"

Ryan clenched his teeth for a moment, briefly contemplating expressing his fantasy vision wherein the Slovenly Takers of the Catholic Sisterhood would be sent to work in the mines for the benefit of the Most Holy Capitalist Class, before belching up some nonsense about upward mobility or something, who gives a fuck?

(A musical theatre extravaganza based on Ryan's life, titled "Cucked by a Nun," featuring songs by a libertarian Bruce Springsteen cover band, is currently in pre-production.)

Word is the Shart of the Deal, having grown tired of losing, is attempting to lure Democrats into financing his Shitty, Unpopular, Border Wall by dangling the fates of the DREAMers as bait.

He really doesn't understand how comically, historically unpopular and ineffective he is, does he? It's like he's trying to bluff while holding his cards backwards, where everyone can see them. You'd feel bad for him if he wasn't such an enormous, bleeding, butthole.

Oh, and wasn't that shit with Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag's failed starlet spouse just a goddamn delight? Surely, nothing screams "Populism" like a plutocrat's trophy wife, derisively mocking the poors as she pisses their taxpayer money away jetting around the country, boasting about a frivolous, vanity wardrobe that costs enough to pay off the average American's mortgage and put their kids through college.

Mikey Hairshirt weighed in on the Confederate monuments controversy, declaring himself to be generally in favor of MORE monuments rather than less. "Shit, let's build some statues to Beetlejuice, or Jesse from Full House! Maybe a big bronze sculpture of Tom Cruise in TROPIC THUNDER, who I am not all sexually attracted to," Pence declared, before excusing himself to the nearest restroom to violently masturbate for half an hour or so.

Pence also used the term "some contemporary political cause" to describe the decades-old movement to remove monuments honoring Treasonous Loser Racist Shitbags like Robert E. Lee, because treating African-Americans like equal citizens who maybe don't deserve to walk around amongst crappy, mass-produced statues lionizing those who fought a whole fucking war to preserve the right to own them like property is basically a fad that may or may not outlast the fidget spinner.

Tucker Carlson praised the Man With Phalangeal Stunting for directly staring into the eclipse like fucking moron, calling it "the most impressive thing any President has ever done," because you have to really dig for bright spots when your boy is incapable of passing legislation, I guess.

Seriously though...Taft Putting on Pants is more "impressive" than this carbuncled dumbass burning out his retinas.

Politico tells us that Democrats have begun doing 2020 opposition research on a number of Republicans, ranging from Mike Pence to John Kasich to That One Muppet That's a Blue Eagle or Some Shit, cuz there's no fuckin' way Littlefinger lasts four whole years.

And a bunch of pro-Shart rallies got cancelled, and that's totally because of the marauding bands of machete-wielding Antifa cyborgs, and not at all because nobody wanted to show up, DO YE DOUBT MY HONOR AS A CHARTER MEMBER OF THE CHUBBY YOUNG KLANSMEN OF AMURICA (glove slap)?

Christopher Steele has reportedly informed the FBI of the sources he used to compile his famous dossier. No word on whether or not the individual piss hookers have been identified at this point, but the noose is a-tightenin', Shart-Shart.

Oh and what's this now? The Failing New York Times sez that Papa Tortoise and Mama Poostick are FIGHTING. Drumpfy and Mitch McConnell haven't spoken in weeks, and they're going after each other on Twitter and in private speeches, and Ron Johnson's crying "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART" in the corner.

Will this Clowncar of Rectums be able to cut rich white dudes' taxes? Tune in next week, same Shart time, same Shart channel.

So Bannon's mad at Drumpf, Drumpf's mad at McConnell, McConnell's mad at Drumpf, it's gettin' like a Tennessee Williams play up in here. I shall call it..."Shart on a Hot Tin Roof."

And of course Il Douche gathered a pathetically tiny crowd of the saddest, oldest, angriest white rubes in Phoenix for a little ego boost. He raged and bitched and moaned for a bit, delighted to find the last room full of idiots who still believe he's doing his job well.

He demagogued for a bit, and raged at the media to the cheers of a handful of the shittiest people Arizona could dig up. I bet it made him feel good. Now he has to go back to the reality of Washington, D.C., where he's accomplished less than if a six-week-old copy of Penthouse Magazine were President.

Hope you enjoyed yourself tonight, Shart-O. Tonight was your safe space.

Anyhow, as y'all can objectively observe...shit be cray.

At the risk of controversy...shit be cray.

Hey folks, I don't believe we've spoken since Steve Bannon's swollen thorax got dragged from the White House, coating the floors with a sticky, viscous, gin-smelling fluid, which my sources tell me Reince Preibus has been rehired to remove.

Bannon snarled something about being "unleashed" and "going to war" before vomiting on himself, smelling the alcohol in his vomit, tearing his puke-soaked shirt off, sucking it dry, and slithering into the night.

In the aftermath, Seb Gorka has retreated to the West Wing's air ducts, scuttling about and spitting acid at anyone who comes too near, while Stephen Miller hides behind his own forehead, which he has disguised as a decorative table with the addition of a doily and a vase.

Of course, just cuz Darth Wino is physically gone doesn't mean he didn't flip the Administrative State switch to "Deconstruct" on the way out.

Interior ordered a halt to scientific research into the health effects of mountaintop removal coal mining, because Amurica isn't about to allow something as inconsequential as a few pleb's lives to stand between coal executives and their year-end bonuses.

Oh, and Team Shart disbanded an advisory council related to climate change, perhaps because they were afraid everyone was about to resign in protest like all his other councils, or perhaps simply because science is for cucks.

Anyhow, we're all still stumbling around, dazed from the knowledge that we're being governed by an amoral shitmaggot who sticks up for terrorists who commit vehicular homicide.

Even so, America rose up, and sang, as one, "Not That We Thought it Would Come to This, But Just Cuz the President Doesn't Seem to Mind Nazis as Much as he Should, Doesn't Mean the Rest of Us Aren't Gonna Chase You Fucks Underground."

And Boston was where we proved it.

Most of the "Free Speech Defenders" coughcoughNAZIS were smart enough to back out, but a hundred or so turned up, only to find themselves outnumbered eleventy-million-to-one, and fled their rally early for the comfort of their subreddit safe spaces.

The Charlottesville shitsacks seem to be spending their days avoiding arrest, sobbing like musical theatre kids watching RENT, deleting their Twitter counts for being shitty, or giving hilariously clueless interviews. In short, they're being shunned and mocked, the way things ought to be in the United States of America in the 21st century. Fuck yeah.

Meanwhile, there're so many confederate monuments coming down that Jeff Sessions refuses to come out of his office, nostalgically fapping to his well-worn VHS copy of THE BIRTH OF A NATION.

It seems numerous charities have decided that being associated with the C'mon, Some Nazis Are Swell guy is bad for branding, and they're abandoning their pricey Marm-a-Lago galas like a college party that turns out to be a Hare Krishna recruitment event.

Shit, by 2018, Don the Con's fancy hotels'll be forced to rely on cut-rate Klansmen Cotillions for revenue. Yes, and all the shitty white supremacists' daughters can flit about in enormous dresses, frantically fighting off the advances of Shower Drain Hair Clog Dudes this movement attracts.

Now, not everyone's upset at Velveeta Himmler's both-sidesism; hell, the KKK is downright "proud!" "Thanks for normalizing white supremacy on the heels of a FUCKING JUNIOR NAZI KILLING AN AMERICAN CITIZEN IN A TERRORIST ATTACK," said some Fantabulous Warlock or Most High Turdmage, or whatever Magic the Gathering name these clowns call themselves.

And of course there've been a handful of weak-as attempts to block for the White Supremacist Apologist in Chief. Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag insisted that the Rapists-and-Murderers guy wasn't racist. Faux Christian/Equally Faux Educator Jerry Falwell Jr. insisted Drumpfy's actually doing tons n' tons to help "the minorities," eliciting both laughter and diploma abandonment. Katrina Pierson, she of the bullet necklace and the blind obedience to her God Emperor, tied herself up in so many knots she wound up talking about how good slavery was.

(This seems like a good point to mention that I'm not making any of this shit up. No, not even that last sentence.)

Axios asked a bunch of Shart House staffers, "Hey, how the fuck do you drag yourself out of bed to go work for a guy who tells America they aren't nice enough to Nazi terrorists? Is it drugs? Follow-up question: since you must be getting unusually good drugs, can I have your guy's number?" And the staffers are like "Yeah, it sucks, but if it wasn't for us he'd have started a war with Mexico because Salma Hayek wouldn't go out with him, or maybe dispatched the marines to Jake Tapper's house. SOMETIMES HE WANDERS INTO THE SITUATION ROOM AND STARTS PUSHING BUTTONS JUST TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WE FUCKING DEAL WITH, MAN!"

Oh, and there are already Charlottesville "truthers" you'll be delighted to learn. Yes, it's all some massive Soros/Obama/Clinton false flag op, designed to...to make Nazis look bad, which I guess is something people need to be told (especially if that one horrifying poll can be trusted), in 2017, in the United States of America. Oh well, at least none of them are in government.

...wait.

Looks like even the institutional GOP is beginning to give up on that ever-elusive "pivot." Senator Tim Scott went so far as to suggest that President Pussy-Grabber risks losing his "moral authority." MSNBC asked Susan Collins if La Grande Sharte would even be the GOP nominee in 2020, and she was all "Wellllllllll let's see how this thing with Dany and Jon works out first." And John Kasich lurks in the background, licking his lips, muttering "no, we isn't mounting a primary challenge, Precious, OH YES WE IS, PRECIOUS" whenever he comes across a reflective surface.

Even Mitch McConnell, wearing a shiny new "I stole a Supreme Court seat and all I got was this lousy 18% approval rating" t-shirt found some semblance of a spine inside that turtle shell of his, telling the press that he believes most news is REAL rather than fake, which, I suddenly remember to my dismay, amounts to a direct assault on the President of the United States.

And Paul Ryan issued a stern statement on the Facebooks, before returning to the work of getting this shameful hate monger to sign off on massive tax cuts for the wealthy, because PRINCIPLES!

On the Democrat side of the aisle, there are proposals for censure, proposals for impeachment, and proposals for Seriously, Can We Maybe Get This Guy Examined by Mental Health Professionals Before He Figures Out Where the Army Keeps the Anthrax and Dumps it Into Lake Michigan?

USAToday let us know that the Living Garbage Pail Kid's insatiable appetite for weekend golf has practically bankrupted the Secret Service, leaving hundreds of agents uncompensated for the overtime they've put in protecting President Shartcannon and his Turd Circus Family. For a bit of extra fun, huge chunks of the Secret Service budget have been redistributed from We the People, the American taxpayer, directly into the Swiss Family Robinshart's greedy little pockets.

Fuck, 60,000 bucks just for fucking golf cart rentals. Remember that the next time these walking hemorrhoids hold a press conference touting SCROTUS donating his salary to some government department whose budget he's decimating; that he charges us to have the Secret Service rent golf carts on his personal property.

On Sunday evening, the USS John S McCain collided with a commercial ship, five sailors were hurt and another ten are missing. Tangerine Idi Amin, like any good commander in chief, got on twitter and bitched about how mean the media is to him. When a reporter asked for comment, he said "that's too bad."

"That's too bad." Now, Dorito Mussolini is taking quite a hit in the press for his lack of sensitivity, but I say hey, less than a week ago he talked about how nice some Nazis are, so this represents a step in the right direction, heaven help us all.

And I see that President What-if-The-China-Syndrome-Took-Place-in-a-Sewage-Treatment-Plant decided to look straight into the eclipse, because the dude with nuclear codes has the discipline of That One Second Grader Whose Mom Packs Him a Grape Soda and a Snickers Bar For Lunch.

This one might actually work out for us, Resistors. If he did enough retinal damage, maybe one of us can slap on a Kellyanne Conway wig and maybe get close enough to get him to sign a resignation letter...

Aaaaaand the Candycorn Skidmark announced a little escalation in the Afghanistan War a minute ago; how fucking desperate do you have to be to think escalating a 16-year debacle will rescue your plummeting approval ratings? Anyhow, he was a very good boy who read right off the teleprompter without saying any nice things about Klansmen. This time.

"Yes, it's one more campaign promise I've betrayed, but my new Chief of Staff sends me to bed without ice cream if I don't sign off on his troop deployment orders, so please know that not only your children, but your children's children and your children's children's children will be sent to die in the Graveyard of Empires, because nothing terrifies your President more than looking weak."

I feel safer already.

There's more. Of COURSE there's more, but if I look at one more paragraph of news, I'm just going to start shrieking, one single, formless, high-pitched squeal, at the top of my lungs, until I just drop down dead.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that today's eclipse will be the very last until your next chance to VOTE IN THE GODDMAN MIDTERMS, so there's that.

We're still debating Nazis? In 2017? Sure, that's normal.

Hey everybody, before we get started tonight, I'd like to tickle your activist bone a little bit. I'm lobbying the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to add a new category to this year's Academy Awards: Best Short Film of a Punk Ass Nazi Crying Their Wuss Eyes Out When Consequences Catch Up To Them.

Baked Alaska is an early favorite, but this Christopher Cantwell dude could be a dark horse.

GET IT? WHITE SUPREMACIST/DARK HORSE? BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH.

Anyhow.

We're at, what? Day 2,192 of the debate about whether the President of the United States should say Nazis are bad? That's a healthy place for America to be in 2017.

My god, has it come to THIS? In some alternate universe, I'm posting snarky little Facebook posts about Trey Gowdy's ongoing, futile, attempts to investigate President Hilldawg's e-mail server, while congress susses out a voting rights bill. I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

The Guinness World Record for Whattaboutism gets shattered every seven minutes, it seems. The modern American Right, having found itself headquartered in the filthiest corner of a sewage treatment plant, rather than beginning the long, slow slog back into the light, has chosen to bellow that everyone else is just as shit-encrusted as they are, and therefore lacks the right to point fingers.

And so the Founding Fathers (many of whom were, yes, slaveholders, and we should be honest about that) are basically the same as the traitors who tore our nation apart in order for a handful of rich jagoffs to own human beings like cattle, and Nazis are the moral equivalent of people who think Nazis actually suck really hard, and apple pie is just a steaming cow pie atop a stale slice of Wonder Bread.

The Marmalade Shartcannon, meanwhile, has picked the Nazis-and-Confederate-monuments hill as the one he'd like to die on, fighting harder to preserve shitty statues of traitors than he ever did to pass a health care bill.

Encouragingly, America has responded to SHARTUS' #NotAllNazis initiative with repulsion and defiance, which is good, because Zombie Eisenhower and Zombie Patton were just about the rise from their graves and start fuckin' shit up, 40's-style.

The CEOs of the nation consulted their advertising departments and their butlers, determined that Nazis are SO not in this summer, and fled the President's Advisory Councils like they were full of bees with leprosy, singing Nickleback.

Hilariously, Don the Con tried spinning things like dissolving the councils was HIS idea, because the councils wanted to get more serious that he was ready for, like Richard Trumka left a toothbrush in the West Wing bathroom, and it just freaked him out, so he thought he should end it before anybody developed unreasonable expectations for the future.

Whatever, Donnie. Elon Musk wants his Def Leppard t-shirt back.

And somehow, Orange Julius Caesar, like a shitty stand-up comic oblivious to how badly his set is bombing, wakes up and tweets his ongoing laments about the tragic removal of the Shitty Traitor Statues, like he's reading directly from a porno script Richard Spencer wrote.

Honestly, I don't understand the President's ferocious attachment to the culture of treasonous losers, it just doesn't...oh hang on.

I get it now.

The Associated Press further updated their guidelines regarding the use of the term "alt-right," so as not to play along with 21st-Century Nazis' desperate attempts to be called something other than "Nazis." I've personally proposed using "Outhouses Overflowing With Trucker Diarrhea" as a substitute for "alt-right," but the AP hasn't gotten back to me yet.

Now House Democrats are pushing a measure to censure Toupee Fiasco for talkin' about how handsome n' groovy those Charlottesville neo-Nazis were, putting Paul Ryan in a pickle. Is it even possible for House Republicans to denounce white supremacy on the record without enraging their base? And is anyone in the Republican Party suggesting, "Hey, maybe we shouldn't have worked so diligently to create a voter base that makes excuses for Nazi terrorists?"

A number of Shart House aides are anonymous expressing their concern, their regret, their consternation, their sadness, their constipation, their nagging toothaches at the President's ongoing oral vomiting to various journalists...off the record of course. And no, none of them are actually resigning, that would require spines.

At least we won't have to worry about tearing down statues of these sniveling cowards generations from now.

Well, maybe somebody will carve a butter sculpture of Reince Preibus, wincing as he kisses Il Douche's massive ass. Or better yet, cast a Jell-O mold so as to better capture the quivering.

By the way, did any of you happen to notice that North Korea totally backed down in the recent let's-maybe-end-life-on-earth-because-two-manchildren-are-dick-measuring crisis?

No, you didn't. Biggest win and best fuckin' headline of Drumpf's entire presidency, and the dumb shit buries it talkin' about how cute n' fuzzy Nazis are. It's like if Harry Truman decided to reinstate prohibition on V-E Day.

And Steve Bannon went into business for himself, drunk-dialing The American Prospect out of the blue, shitting on White House rivals, offhandedly mentioning that the entire U.S. military's stance on North Korea is bullshit, chatting casually about how a race war would be good politics for him...hard to believe some folks paint this guy as a villain, ain't it?

Now, in the wake of a horrific terrorist attack, such as the one that took place in Barcelona today, a normal person will grieve, or offer prayers and support, or maybe just lament their helplessness at life's periodic tragedy...but not our Carcinogenic Bloat-in-Chief.

No, he just thinks "Oh GOOD, a Muslim terrorist! This'll change the subject!"

And so President Colon Tumor tweets out a reference to his favorite fake history story, an utterly fictitious tale of General Pershing committing a racist war crime. It's a perfect score on Klansman bingo.

In addition, the Candycorn Skidmark raged at Jeff Flake and Lindsey Graham, while Bob Corker and Tim Scott tore several new holes in his widescreen, be-golfpantsed derrière.

Good luck with tax reform, Mr. Shart-of-the-Deal. (At some point, somebody really should tell him that impeachment trials take place in the very chamber where he's so giddily cultivating enemies. I nominate Stephen Miller.)

And now I see that Wikileaks sat on some leaks that would've damaged Putin/Russia, because they were strictly in the Shittin'-on-Hillary-Clinton business last year? Fucking perfect.

I know I'm missing a bunch of stuff tonight, shit like Kevin Durant and Carmen de Lavallad passing on Shart House honors because they don't want to get Shart on themselves, and awesome folks queuing up to take the blame for pulling down the confederate statue in Durham, and don't miss that one story about shitty white supremacist dudes finding out they're not ethnically pure, but I'm just beat to hell from living under a government that refuses to condemn Nazis, even after they FUCKING MURDER PEOPLE. I'm all grouchy and shit.

All I really need now is for Chris Cilizza to tell me Robert E. Lee had the Worst Week in Washington.

...shit be cray, folks...shit be cray.

Wrote a little song...

...borrowed the tune, I bet y'all can figure it out...

Why are there so many
Nazis in the White House
Advising the President?

Nazis are bad guys
I thought we all knew that
I wonder where decency went

How in the fuck did we get ourselves tangled
In these white supremacists' web?

Someday we'll fire them
The alt-right connection
Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and Seb!

Who said that white people
Are better than others
Even when clearly subpar?

Somebody thought of that
And some jags believe it
Look what they've done so far

We fought a whole fucking world war to stop them
We already beat Johnny Reb

Someday we'll fire them
The alt-right connection
Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and Seb!

All of them under the sun
And we'll get you too, Mr. Sessions!

Have we been half asleep?
And have we allowed this?
We took our eye off the door

Have we forgotten
Our grandparents' lesson
That punching's what Nazis are for?

These bastards thrive only when we ignore them
Let's chase them back to the dark web

Someday we'll fire them
The alt-right connection
Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and Seb!

No jokes tonight, folks.

God, the obscenity of this day.

Even without the violence and the tragedy, is there a lower moral hurdle to clear than "Denounce the bastards wearing swastikas and chanting Nazi slogans?"

And when an American citizen is killed by a terrorist in service of one of history's most evil ideologies, is it really so much to ask of your President, "Stand WITH us, AGAINST them?"

Apparently so.

To a nation mourning a terrorist attack, he offered neither healing nor calm. Instead, he bragged about how well he did in the primary. Bragged about the economy. Attacked the press. Whinged. Aired old grievances. Spit piss at John McCain for robbing him of a victory on health care. Motherfucking boasted about owning a fucking winery in a community still washing blood off the ground.

And all that is abominable enough.

But then he did all he could to give cover to the terrorist's ideology. To lessen its evil. He stood at a podium adorned with the Presidential seal, and suggested that those who opposed white supremacy were equally as bad as those who killed in its name.

There were "very fine people" amongst the Nazis. The white supremacists were the ones with the permit, so in a way, THEY have the high ground. My god.

In his loathsome statements today, Donald Trump blamed Heather Heyer for her own death. By standing in protest of these diseased ideologies, Trump said, she was merely part of a regrettable morass where everybody was a little bit right, and nobody was totally wrong.

Not even the Nazis.

Whether it's Bob Mueller dragging him out of the Oval in cuffs, or the House GOP defensively impeaching him as his approval rating seeks absolute zero, or H.R. McMaster slapping a straightjacket on him before he can order bombers to attack CNN headquarters, or even, if we absolutely MUST wait so long, a deafening electoral avalanche in November 2020, the day is surely coming when we will be push this shitstain out of the People's House forever. As dark as this day is, we WILL be rid of him.

And when he's gone, we must NEVER stop scrubbing his stink from our nation.

Every executive order will be reversed. However long it takes, we will sandblast every molecule of his legacy from our government.

We'll rip every portrait off every wall.

Should anyone attempt to erect any monuments to this Blight on Decency, know the sun will never set on a single one of them, we'll tear them down so quick.

Should you break ground on a Presidential Library honoring this indecent fuck, know that we'll salt the earth before we let you so much as pour the foundation.

Should you slap his shitty little name on a battleship, future generations will refuse to serve on it, and it will rust and sink, forgotten and shunned.

We will hound Trump and Trumpism from our nation, however long it takes.

We. Will. Take. Our. Country. Back.

'Member when the President didn't need a weekend to say "We don't like Nazis?" Good times, those.

Well, the news has been dominated for days now by a white supremacist terrorist attack, and the President of the United States' refusal to say "That is a bad thing, and Nazis are bad."

(Re-reads the above several times to make absolutely sure it's an accurate assessment. Weeps for hours. Returns to keyboard.)

Yes, the Coalition of Out-of-Shape White Shitty Idiots with Tiki Torches (Or C.O.W.S.H.IT.T.) rallied and rioted in Charlottesville, VA. White Supremacists boldly walked the streets of an American city in broad daylight in 2017, screeching their petty little hatreds at the top of their lungs, carrying Nazi flags, beating the shit out of counter-protesters. A bunch of folks got hurt. One woman was killed.

And in response, our 45th and shittiest President, bloated and surly, muttered through a statement which, incredibly, blamed violence on "all sides" for the acts of a decidedly-from-one-specific-side Hitler Fanboy. More than anything, he seemed irate his self-aggrandizing bill-signing ceremony had been disrupted by an American tragedy. "THIS WAS THE ONLY DAY I HAD ANYTHING BUT GOLF," whinged the Living Garbage Pail Kid, "Why can't my base murder people when it won't me look bad?"

The fucker then proceeded to rush off without taking questions. Surely, Don the Con scampering out the door as reporters asked him to denounce white supremacist terrorism is the Most Presidential Thing Ever (Take that, Gettysburg Address, you Cuck Speech, You!).

White Supremacists rejoiced. "Didja hear that?" they giggled. "He meant Antifa, he's one of us!"

And America despaired, that such a day had come, a day when terrorists were given comfort and succor by the highest elected official in the land, whose most sacred job is to protect our lives and our rights from those who would seek to end them.

And then America got righteously, defiantly, shit-kickingly pissed off.

And the Nazis, the Klansmen, the White Supremacists, all the little Bannonites, have been on the run ever since.

Jason Kessler, who organized the rally in the first place, tried to give a we-are-but-peace-loving-Hitler-wannabes press conference, but the crowd chased him off, excoriating him for the blood on his hands. Fucker looked like he wasn't gonna stop stop running till he hit Timbuktu. (UPDATE: My sources tell me Kessler is indeed still running.)

"Baked Alaska," a self-styled alt-right celebrity, who likes to play a big tuff man on Twitter, ate a faceful of mace and cried like a toddler who got his blankie stolen. Suddenly the guy who likes to talk shit about feeding people into ovens is all "can't we get along?"

Nah, man. This is the United States of America. We don't "do" Nazis.

The Daily Stormer (that's THE Nazi website, where all of the tubbiest losers go to see and be seen, if you don't feel like polluting your search history) decided to post a nasty little gloat piece about the woman who was killed, which got them chased off GoDaddy and Google. Hope the mimeograph machine in the back room still works, turdweasels.

And of course the internet reached out far and wide, and quickly began identifying the individual Nazi shitsacks, one at a time.

See, these fucks really thought their day had come. That they could march through OUR streets, heads held high, beating up anybody they felt like, without consequence.

They thought they didn't need to wear hoods anymore.

They thought wrong.

So, All Ye Shitty Little White Kids, Ye Polo-Shirt-Tucked-Into-Khakis Weenies, Ye Utterly Subpar Jagoffs, enjoy getting revealed for all the world to see. Enjoy having that photograph of you screaming Nazi slogans at a terrorist rally as your resume for the rest of your sad, shitty, little lives.

Fuck, even the Tiki Torch company issued a statement that was all "Fuck these dickless whiners! Y'all should buy a rival company's lawn torch, we are an AMERICAN pool-and-gazebo-lighting company, goddammit!"

This seems like a good place to mention that are MULTIPLE republican-sponsored bills across various state legislatures designed literally to decriminalize the running over of pedestrian protesters. Yes, that is a real thing. By 2020, I'm sure GOP candidates will advocate the criminalization of bunnies, cuz they're really leaning into the Evil these days.

Darker still, Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe, defending the police response as the rally turned violent, noted that the lunatic militiamen had the state police outgunned. What a horrifying thought, that an army of fascists can descend on an American community so heavily armed as to intimidate law enforcement. That must never be allowed to happen again.

Through it all, President Shartcannon resisted all calls to issue a stronger statement. Anonymous Shart House spokescowards insisted "Yuh huh he totally denounced white supremacy, y'all in the media were just having an unusually rowdy game of Pictionary and you didn't see it," but nobody was having any of that shit.

Mike Pence even interrupted his nightly ritual of masturbating furiously to pictures of elk bulls fighting to offer a feeble stab at "Why can't the lying media give President Crotchvoid credit for saying something he objectively did not say?"

Anyhow, while bitching incessantly that the media wasn't giving Il Douche his due for all he'd done* to unite the country over the weekend, his campaign dropped an almost-cartoonishly divisive ad, reminding his e'er-dwindling Rube Army that it isn't the Nazis driving cars into crowds, but the media that reports on it that's the REAL "enemy." They sure made certain to get as many non-white journalists in there as possible, didn't they?

*golf

And, as if desperate to prove his critics right, Tangerine Idi Amin, who, just to drive the point home, STILL WOULDN'T DENOUNCE A NAZI TERRORIST TWO WHOLE FUCKING DAYS AFTER THE FACT, broke the land-speed tweeting record to go after the CEO of Merck for resigning from his manufacturing council because of his, ahem, unwillingness to denounce white supremacist terrorism.

That the above-mentioned Merck CEO, Kenneth C. Frazier, happens to be black is, I'm sure, just the latest in a series of zany coincidences that do not at all add up to implicate SCROTUS in any form of racism, however mild.

(Under Armour's Kevin Plank resigned later as well. Is he white? He oughtta be fine, then.)

Finally, FINALLY, after two solid days of relentless hounding, the Velveeta Urinal Cake petulantly dragged himself out to issue a new statement, excuse me, to boast a little while about the economy he inherited, before begrudgingly reading a few sentences off a teleprompter and waddling away to blow off steam by making Bannon eat a pubic-hair sandwich for his amusement. (Darth Wino's in the doghouse these days, or so we all told. Let's get his alt-right ass fired, huh?)

And now Boss Shart and all his fuckstick enablers expect us to treat him like ran the Underground Railroad single-handed. HE SAID HE DENOUNCED, WHY WON'T YOU MOVE ON? Yeah, fuck you.

Shartboy had initially called a full press conference for today, but of course he chickened out. And boy did he get pissy upon being called out on that. "Fake news!" he sullenly bellowed at CNN's Jim Acosta, because there's never an inappropriate time to air personal grievances, certainly not while the nation mourns a terrorist attack.

Oh, I need to take a quick moment here for a public service announcement. I want everyone to please keep a lookout for Dinesh D'Souza. If you're not careful, he'll sneak right up behind you and drop a copy of his silly new book on your head, on your lunch, on your cat...anything to make it seem like there's an insatiable public Demand for Dinesh. Be careful out there, friends.

The Mayor of Lexington, Kentucky announced that they'll be removing all of their confederate monuments, maybe because these statues seem to basically be turd magnets these days. Y'know, like fly-zappers, only attracting the shittiest white people in the world. Like, Night of the Living Dead, only with shambling fucksticks in MAGA hats.

Later in the day, protesters in Durham took matters into their own hands, and moved up the Traitor Monument Demolition Schedule to...right fuckin' now. Good on ya!

Cheeto Broderick Crawford's approving rating took another sturdy hammer-to-the-nuts today, hitting a new record low. The President is attempting to combat this crisis of popularity by finding internet polls that let you vote as many times as you want, and refreshing the screen over and over, but even this tactic has offered only limited success, because his pathetically wee fingers keep pressing the wrong buttons.

Oh, and I guess the feds caught yet ANOTHER Shitty White Guy trying to commit terrorism, this time in Oklahoma? Maybe we need a Shitty White Guy watch list. Deport them to someplace where they can roam free, a place where they can finally set their own standards for ethics in gaming journalism. Everybody wins.

Somehow in the midst of this, the Human Garbage Pail Kid is contemplating pardoning Joe Arpaio, who was recently convicted of violating a court order primarily on the basis of his many statements boasting about violating the court order.

See, Drumpfy's not racist, he just wants to keep the Poster Boy (Er, Poster Fogey) for Jackbooted Institutional White Supremacy from facing the consequences of his lawbreaking. And you're a cad for suggesting otherwise!

What fresh fuckery is this, now? Ol' Beuregard's DoJ (DOOJ!) is trying to get ahold of visitor data from a website that organizes Resistance events? Oh HELL no. Nice to see Jefferson's putting those resources he pulled off of monitoring the white nationalist movement to good use, ain't it?

Shit, there was even a new Russia story today. Not an enormous deal, just a low-level campaign advisor pushing for meetings with Russians, as early as last March. Still, it's just one more example of Team Shart lying about their Russian contacts. I bet no more examples of this ever turn up again. (Exaggerated wink)

Anyway, at least we can all enjoy a recreational spin through Twitter, looking at more "Crappy Little White Kid Gets His Punk Ass Fired For Being a Nazi" stories, as they're rolling in rather steadily now.

I'm callin' it early tonight, folks. I need a fucking drink. Somebody keep an eye on Guam for me.

Friday Nite at the Nuclear Catastrophe Disco!

None of this is really happening, right? Jake Tapper's on a peyote bender, listening to Floyd, and he finally got around to that Syd Barrett solo album, and he's just freaking out and making crazy shit up now...

...right?

Let's start with light shit.

The Mooch is Looch! Er, Loose! Fruitfly-Lifespan-Tenured Executive Branch Employee Anthony Scaramucci is making the rounds, playing the victim card like Tonya Harding on speed.

You see, he was duped by big bad reporter that...he called up...to threaten into revealing a source...and then had an on-the-record conversation with...where he shot his mouth off in a juvenile attempt to seem impressive. He labelled the reporter (Ryan Lizza, of the New Yorker, by the way) "the Linda Tripp of 2017." I confess I don't really know what he's implying by that, I spent most of the Clinton administration trying to decipher R.E.M. lyrics.

And of course everybody got all mad at that one poll where half of Republicans said they happily wipe their asses with democracy if Il Douche asked them to, or something. Okay, it was a manipulative, leading, kinda bullshitty little poll that shouldn't be taken at face value, but WE'VE GOT OUR EYES ON YOU, REPUBLICANS.

Hey, Jolly Jeffrey Lord finally got his propaganda-schilling ass canned over at CNN, and there was MUCH REJOICING! Jeff's raging about the first amendment, but we gleefully informed him that James Madison cut the bit about "And no pompous ass shall lose his cushy pundit gig just cuz he tweets straight-up Nazi shit" at the last minute, because he lost a drinking contest with John Jay.

Anyway. So we're still doing that thing with Russia, where they attack our democracy, so we impose sanctions, and then they fire a bunch of diplomatic staff, and then we thank them for firing them, and -

WAIT, WHAT?

Yep. The President of the United States actually fucking THANKED Vlad Putin for fuckin’ with the ol’ U.S. of A. Save a buck or two, right? Not as much as giving up golf for a couple of weeks, but what're you gonna do?

Hey, I hear Paul Manafort shook up his legal team? I guess a pre-dawn, no-knock raid'll wake a fucker up, huh? Sources tell me our man Paul's finally gonna start doing push-ups again, maybe take another crack at that spy novel gathering dust in the bottom drawer.

...unless the FBI confiscated it, of course. BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!

If there’s a better example of the sloppy derangement of the right than that Breitbart editor’s meltdown over a Vogue cover shoot with Jennifer Lawrence posing in front of the Statue of Liberty, I can’t imagine what it is.

Breitbart Boy tantrumed about how it was an attack on conservatives to pose by Lady Liberty, because of the argument Tragically Overforeheaded Hatebeast Stephen Miller got into..several weeks after the shoot took place. I don’t get either, folks. Intelligence isn’t exactly a hallmark of this movement. Anyhow, the right wing has ceded the Statue of Liberty, which is...telling.

Crops are rotting in the fields in California, which happens EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME Republicans decide to score a few points with their base of subpar white dudes by cracking down on immigrants, but I guess we're supposed to act surprised.

And I guaran-damn-tee you, when those subpar white dudes pay that extra few bucks at the grocery store, brought on by nothing more or less than their own short-sighted, self-wounding, rage, they'll figure out some way to blame Obama.

Meanwhile, WaPo tells us the Swiss Family Robinshart is turning a merry little profit by overcharging the guests at their D.C. hotel. If someone could somehow communicate to the Rube Army that this sort of corrupt self-enrichment was the only fucking reason this clown ran for President in the first place, I’d be grateful.

Oh man. Sebastian Gorka must've stumbled onto some secret stash of Luftwaffe-issued amphetemines, because he's on a goddamn rampage these days. He's out on cable, bellowing "Pay no attention to ze Secretary uff Schtate, he is a veak man, who speaks only for ozer veak men. Listen to Seb. ONLY TO SEB!"

Isn't it NEAT having a bloated Nazi in some sort of roving, ill-defined national security advisor role? (Spoilerz NO IT IS NOT NEAT.)

Speaking of lunatics making life-or-death decisions on the National Security Council, Foreign Policy got ahold of that memo that got Rich Higgins fired, and CHRIST ON TOAST it’s like a bat guano do-nut with bath salts for sprinkles.

All the conspiracy theorist’s favorite flavors are there. I guess the Ghost of Osama Bin Laden is meeting with George Soros and Rachel Maddow to undermine SHARTUS’ plan to Make America Great Again by golfing all the time.

I don’t fucking know, these people are nuts. Thank god we pried this loon away from the levers of government, but holy fucking shit what was he doing there in the first place? And Steve Bannon is mobilizing Pepe Twitter to attack H.R. McMaster for going, “Hey, maybe we should stop consulting the frothing-at-the-mouth guy on national security matters?”

Shit, it’s a goddamn miracle any of us got to wake up this morning.

But don’t worry, everyone! The Marmalade Shartcannon dispatched his comically inadequate son-in-law to the Middle East to make peace! Shit, I bet Jar-Jar’s got the whole dang thing figured out by the time you’re reading this! PEACE IN OUR TIME, BITCHES!

Oooooo…what’s this, now? Congressional investigators want to ask Donnie Darko’s long-serving personal secretary a few questions? Don’t worry, Shart-O…I’m sure she’s totally willing to go to jail for you. They all are. Flynn, Manafort, Reince…they’ll all fall on the grenade for you, the dude who unhesitatingly sells his buddies out at the first sign of trouble. Hee fuckin’ hee.

And I guess a handful of the Feral Clowns in the Freedom Caucus want another Obamacare repeal vote? Oh honey...it's like having to take a hammer away from a kid because he just won't stop bashing himself in the temple with it. But congratulate yourselves, in attempting to repeal the ACA, you’ve made it more popular than it’s ever been before!

Say, have you ever noticed that you never hear the names of rank-and-file GOP Representatives until they do something jaw-droppingly awful? Well, meet Buddy Carter, from the Georgia First!

Buddy held himself a little townhall. He took some questions. He gave some answers. Answers like "I will happily support obtaining grant money to test the unforgivably deep backlog of untested rape kits...unless they are untested rape kits from SANCTUARY CITIES!"

Yup. If you get raped in a Sanctuary City, no justice for you! Remember ladies, ALWAYS CHECK THE IMMIGRATION POLICIES OF THE CITY YOU'RE GETTING RAPED IN.

And yeah, of there’s the North Korea thing. Couple of Looney Tunes drawing lines in the sand, daring one another to step over them. Hopefully there are enough grownups in the room to prevent a tragedy of historic proportions, but if not, please remember me with less acne than I had in high school.

Anyhow, Tangerine Idi Amin was shootin' the breeze with the fake gnus press and decided to drop the gem that he hadn't ruled out military options...for Venezuela.

Yup. Just bobbin' along, casually threatening to invade a place, because...I don't know, because he's heard of it? Nikki Haley was standing right next to him, she looked like she swallowed half her molars when he said it.

I hope I get sent to the Venezuelan front, not the North Korean front, y'know? Just for the weather.

I dunno. I think we have jumped the proverbial shark today. I mean, a Commander in Chief who doesn't understand that there might be consequences to casually threatening multiple wars in the same day? It's not believable, y'know?

Just as I'm typing this, I see the news where the Misshapen Traffic Cone called up the governor of Guam...to congratulate him on the tourism boost he was about to get from being a potential target for nuclear annihilation.

Does...does...for all his other failings, which are LEGION...does he really fucking think that people vacation in spots they think are about to be atomically incinerated?

The man is not well. Forgive me for saying so, but...shit be cray.

…oh what’s this? A handful of useless, angry white dudes got some tiki torches and carved out a lil’ safe space in Charlottesville tonight?

Fine. Sure. Have your little march tonight, wake up in the same shitty life tomorrow. Millenial Klansman. It’s the annoyance singularity.
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