TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalRoy Moore Has Republicans Defending Child Molestation Now. Is America Great Again Yet? (Ferret!)
Hello friends...as always, check out the post, with links n' shit, at:
http://showercapblog.com/roy-moore-republicans-defending-child-molestating-now-america-great-yet/
Y'know, each day is a gift and a miracle. We greet the morning and all the potential it brings with hope and excitement. Truly, life IS like a box of chocolates, and you never do know what you're going to get.
Today's chocolate had the surprising filling of Oh I Guess We're Going to Watch Some of the Most Powerful and Influential People in the Country Argue That Middle Aged Men Having Sex With Teenagers is A-Ok.
Wow. Well, no sense wasting time, Resisters, let's dive into the muck.
CIA director Mike Pompeo met with a deranged conspiracy nut who says Hillary leaked her own e-mails in between running a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza joint and prank calling Christopher Stephens' family, or something, because President Crotchvoid told him to. Next week, maybe Mikey can lunch with the guy who wandered around my college campus screaming that you'd go to hell if you listened to Bon Jovi.
A little good news, as Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III relented in his prosecution of the dastardly broad who committed the high crime of Laughing at Him in Public. Distraught, Ol' Beau even ordered the demolition of the gallows he'd hopefully had constructed on the grounds below his office window.
Golly, the economic anxiety is just dripping off the subjects of the latest Shitty White Drumpf Supporters profile. Be sure to read all the way to the end. Never seen such economic anxiety.
I guess John Kelly got mad at the acting head of DHS, Elaine Duke, for not Making America White Again fast enough for his liking. While crazy white dudes keep perpetrating mass shootings, apparently the great threat to the homeland lies in refugees from Central America who've been living peacefully among us for decades.
I guess that Omarosa woman (I'm still not researching the whole reality tv thing. I read all this fucking news, and I have to draw the line someplace.) had a big wedding photo shoot in the White House, just to kind of rub America's nose in the travesty of this regime? Like, "Here's the maid of honor barfing on a bust of Winston Churchill!"
Didja see where Wilbur Ross turned out to be a fake billionaire? Yeah, the Head Gnome in Charge of Commerce got caught exaggerating his wealth, and was unceremoniously dropped by the Forbes list o' billionaires, no doubt being forced to turn in his secret Junior Billionaire Decoder Ring in the process.
Lying about being richer than you actually are? No wonder he and Boss Shart get along so well.
Hey, that was some election night, wasn't it? America was backed up like a teenage boy who found a Victoria's Secret catalogue in second period and had to wait the entire school day plus basketball practice to...address his urges. And after a long, frustrating year of painful waiting, we fiiiiiiiiinally got to vote, and godDAMN was it good.
Trumpism got spanked from coast to coast, and not in a fun, sexy, way, but in a you've-offended-the-Lord-thy-God-now-here's-a-cranky-nun-with-a-flail way.
Ok, maybe it was a LITTLE sexy. Couple governor's mansions, badass new Philadelphia district attorney, a bunch of mayorships, and a Virginia blowout so massive, control of the House of Delegates is up in the air, pending recounts.
As if this wasn't justice enough, there was extra, bonus justice wherever you looked! The author of anti-transgender bathroom bill lost his seat to a transgender woman! An old white dude who made fun of the women's march lost to a woman who decided to run precisely in order to teach him a lesson. And the new mayor-elect of Helena, Montana...came to the United States as a refugee!
Let's also take a moment to cheer an evening of resounding defeat for the murderous National Rifle Association.
Well, maybe their voters listened to Shartboy, Jr., and stayed home.
And of course, while his party was absorbing a coast-to-coast taint-jackhammering as a result of his failed leadership, the Marmalade Shartcannon was over in South Korea, schilling his golf club, because he's nothing but a petty grifter.
Hilarious how quickly he threw ol' Ed Gillespie away, like a Kleenex used by the hypothetical teenage boy from a few paragraphs back.
The good people of Maine overwhelmingly said "hellz YES we want to expand Medicaid under the ACA," only have their governor, Doddering Hate Muppet Paul LePage, vow to block it anyway, because FUCK DEMOCRACY, that's why.
Did I mention that the unpopular LePage is a two-term governor only because a third party candidate split his opposition in both of his elections? There's an unsubtle lesson there, for those who still require it.
After their electoral drubbing, the GOP sat up through a long, dark, soul-searching, night, examined their beliefs with cold, unrelenting, objectivity, and decided to get right back to work passing a tax "reform" bill that benefits their donor class at the expense of the rest of the nation.
And of course, everybody fucking hates the bill. Well, everybody except the idle, crustless-triangle-shaped-cucumber-sandwich-eating wealthy.
Gary Cohn tried pitching it by mentioning how excited all his CEO budz have been, because it's just BREAKING FUCKING NEWS that when you tell a rich dude he'll be several million dollars richer, he's all for it.
Of course, Senator Lindsey Graham and Congressdouche Chris Collins said the quiet part out loud, practically trembling in terror that all that sweet American Oligarch dark money will evaporate in a heartbeat if Daddy Mercer doesn't get his tax cuts.
Corey Lewandowski, who swore up and down for months that He Didn't Know Any Carter Page, Hey, What's a Carter Page Anyway, Is That Like Macy's Line of Kitchenware or Something, but then Carter Page testified under oath in front of congress and PRESTO, Corey's memory has been magically restored.
But really, pinky swear, this is the ABSOLUTE LAST of the Russia things, there's no more Russia, how dare you even ask, at least until the next thing surfaces, in which case I reserve the right to have another miraculous memory recovery.
And I see Fux Nooz hired Faux Doctor Seb Gorka, because the We Must Annex the Sudetenland crowd was feeling underrepresented.
Longtime Shartal Bodyguard Keith Schiller told congress that his pervy boss totally rejected five proffered Russian hookers and their sensually full bladders, even when they were freely offered by his Russian Miss Universe Pageant partners, because such behavior is simply beneath the man who brags about leering at teenagers while they change.
Anyway, Keith says he went to bed, so if anybody was taping anybody peeing on anybody else, he didn't know nothin' about it.
Meanwhile, Low-T Rex seems to think the State Department has been expending far too many resources on dumb ol' diplomacy, and not nearly enough on digging up potentially embarrassing shit on Hillary Clinton. Leadership!
Senator Bob Corker (R - Unleashed) called a hearing to look into the "We're not really letting a colicky man-baby control our fucking nuclear arsenal" conundrum. I bet McMaster has already replaced the real nuclear football with a Nerf one, and everybody just pretends he launched the missiles, showing him the ending of Dr. Strangelove. Dumb fuck probably thinks he's already nuked Syria a couple times.
The wave of rats deserting the sinking ship, excuse me, "Republican Congressmen announcing their retirements," continues to swell. Frank LoBiondo, Ted Poe, Bob Goodlatte, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Or do. Whatevs.
Carl Icahn received a subpoena of his very own, to love and to hug and to nurture, from the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, probably over that whole conflict-of-interest thang, where he was advising the President to do things that would, purely out of coincidence I'm sure, have significantly lined the pockets of one Carl Icahn.
The Trump toadies in FEMA are going after Chef Jose Andrés, because yeah, ok, he's helping to feed hurricane victims and all, but he's bein' awful mouthy about the millions of Puerto Ricans who STILL DON'T HAVE POWER. I mean, it's not like FEMA has anything better to do. Between passin' out fat contracts to Cowboy Ryan Zinke's pals, and yelling at folks for Insufficient Fealty While Cooking, no wonder they haven't found time to get the lights turned on.
I guess Richard Spencer bounced a check to the University of Florida, payment for the hall he rented for the privilege of being laughed at for a few minutes before running away. Must've let the tiki-torches-and-tweed-vests budget spiral out of control.
And the slobbering rage monsters of MAGA nation are boycotting Jim Beam because Mila Kunis makes a monthly donation to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence's name. Aren't these jagoffs already boycotting Starbucks, Target, Netflix, Oreos, Pepsi and sunshine?
We might be onto something here, actually. A few strategic, boycott-inducing acts, these dumbshits will be forced to subsist on a diet made up exclusively of tap water and Brawny paper towels.
KKKRis KKKobach's Kooky Kulling Komission is gettin' sued...by a member of itself. I feel like somebody should write a folksy novelty song about this, where KKKris is his own grandpa, and also somehow learns he's part black, and therefore disenfranchises himself.
The Velveeta Urinal cake can't even sabotage Obamacare, as sign-ups are hitting new records despite all his careful plans to cover up Obamacare with a couple of ferns and pretend it's not there.
And Steve Bannon demanded that the hallucinated talking turducken he mistook for Mitch McConnell resign from Senate leadership. Bannon then threw up in his mouth, and absentmindedly chewed the barf for a couple of minutes, before swallowing it again.
Only Nixon could go to China, but only Drumpf be so thoroughly, deeply, CUCKED there. Donnie Two-Scoops sure loved talkin' like a Big Tuff Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Everything about China on the campaign trail, right? He was gonna stand up to those nasty Chinese, and Make America Sooooooo Great!
Like all bullies, he gets face to face, and just folds. Actually complimented China for taking so much advantage of dumb, weak, America. Cuuuuuuuuuuck.
For an extra demonstration of just how deep the cucking goes, Little Donnie Dotard broke with the tradition of taking questions from the press, because the Chinese didn't WANNA. Watching the American President appease authoritarian dictators is gettin' plenty old, don'tcha think? That big statue of Lincoln's gonna stand up, march over to the White House, and stomp on Don's wee, shriveled, balls one of these days.
I see Bashful Bob Mueller's team sat Shart House Advisor/People Magazine's Least Sexy Man 2004-Present Stephen Miller down for an interview. My crack investigative sources have obtained a snippet of the transcript, this is a SHOWER CAP EXCLUSIVE:
Mueller: Good morning, Stephen.
Miller: Why is everyone wearing full-body hazmat suits?
Mueller: Oh, that's because you're so fucking disgusting. No one wants to accidentally inhale any air that may've been inside your body.
Miller: Damn. C'mon, guys -
Mueller: We can't possibly be the only people who wear hazmat suits around you.
Miller: Well. No. There's everybody at work. And my landlord. And my mom.
Mueller: Anyway. Let's get to the treason.
Whelp. Did I miss anything? That new Murder on the Orient Express remake looks kinda fun, I might just -
Wait, what's that? Roy Moore did what? She was HOW OLD? For fuck's sake.
So four women have come forward, on the record, and said Judge Roy, professional bigot, "dated" them when they were teenagers. In one case, he initiated sexual contact with her when she FOURTEEN YEARS OLD and he was 32.
Moore tried to get out in front of the story, feeding it to the eager propagandists at Breitbart, who were all too happy to say things like "First off, there's nothing wrong with a dude in his thirties dating a 16 year old," and getting progressively more disgusting from there.
And somehow, rather than slinking away in shame, Roy's hopped on the "fake librul media" train, and he's fucking FUNDRAISING OFF HIS PEDOPHILIA. And all the usual dirtbags, the ones who were all "I SAW A REDDIT POST SO BRING YOUR GUNS TO THE PIZZA PLACE, HILLARY CLINTON HAS SEX SLAVES" are suddenly insisting "well, it's he said/she said, and besides what's so goshdarned bad about a grown man trying to fuck a few teenagers?"
What the SHIT, people?
And because the news somehow wasn't gross or disappointing enough already, we were treated to a round of comments from the Good Christian Men of the Alabama Republican Party, who were all totally down with Roy Moore, even if he did spend his thirties preying on teenagers, because Jesus prefers child molesters to Democrats, apparently.
Anyway. A few congressional Republicans issued stern Tsk Tsks, and there's some rumbling about a Luther Strange write-in campaign, but with such a slim majority in the Senate, it'll be damned interesting to see just how dedicated to the once-uncontroversial "Pedophiles Are Bad" position Yertle & Co. turn out to be.
Fuck, y'all. Life is like a box of chocolates, and I'm goddamn TERRIFIED of what I'm gonna get now. Tomorrow's chocolate will be, like, a cockroach that whispers to me that I should cut off the mailman's knees and wear them like shoulder pads.
I'm Starting a Game Show Called "Are You Smarter Than Carter?" (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hello m'loves. As always, check out the post with all links at my site:
http://showercapblog.com/im-starting-game-show-called-smarter-carter-contestents/
Kinda slow for a Monday, huh? Things're pretty quiet with the Dotard abroad*. I'd say "too quiet," but I am absolutely not dumb enough to tempt fate like that. Not in 2017.
So, what should we talk about? Rand Paul's MMA fight with his No Doubt Equally Jaggy Neighbor over...their lawns? I guess?
We'll be old and grey, trying to recount the madness of these batguano-frosted days in the nursing home, struggling over this sort of trivia. "Didn't Marco Rubio miss a vote because somebody hit him with a plastic flamingo, or something?"
Anyway. I don't want it to seem like I'm advocating, or cheering for violence, because I'm not. I'll just say that I imagine living next door to Rand Paul for 17 years is...challenging.
Well, SCROTUS started up his big Asia trip, and I'm sure he's representing America in a manner we can all be proud of! There's no way he's saying anything colossally stupid like "Golly gee, I never knew we had so many countries," that'd just be -
...well, fuck.
We don't need Presidential debates, folks. We need 3rd grade tests.
Didja see that story over at Axios? Seems Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet had a meeting with some Native American leaders, and told 'em, "Law Schmaw! Do whatever the fuck you want, bro! Fuckin' look at me, I'm sending the taxpayers bills for port-a-potties for my OWN FUCKING SECRET SERVICE DETAIL. It's Act One of Wall Street until Mueller breaks up the party! SHOTS!!!!!!!!"
Bloomberg sat down the Russian lawyer who reached out, once upon a time, to Shart, Jr., saying "Hey kid, wanna buy some treason?" to which Prince Dotard responded, "Hellz to tha Yes!"
Yes, Natalia Veselnitskaya laid out all the proposed quid-pro-quo, and even said she'd testify to it under oath to any ol' investigative committee, or Special Counsel who asked her.
This seems like a good time to recall that Team Shart's best defense of this meeting is "Well sure we TRIED to collude with a hostile foreign power to influence an American election, but it didn't really work out, so it doesn't count, right?"
And of course we find ourselves engaged in the all too familiar rituals that follow a mass shooting. Extra familiar, since Vegas was, what? The day before yesterday?
All the usual voices called sent their hollow, useless, thoughts-n-prayers, with a few indignantly scolding those who would "politicize the blah blah blah blah blah YES I'D LIKE ANOTHER DONATION, WAYNE," because, and let's not mince words about this, Republicans do not care when Americans are murdered by white people.
We're adding a new, 21st century social media wrinkle, where trolls n' bots spread disinformation about the shooter being an Atheist Democrat Antifa Monster Made in a Harvard Lab From Chelsea Clinton's Eggs and Sperm From Obama's Gay Lover, because the internet is awful.
President Shartcannon weighed in from Japan, saying "How dare you blame our precious, precious guns! This mass shooting, like all mass shootings not committed by brown-skinned people, was the dastardly work of Mental Illness!"
No one seems to have been willing to remind him of the bill he signed earlier this year repealing an Obama-era regulation that made it harder for the mentally ill to obtain firearms. That would've been...too reasonable.
And just because this whole thing wasn't tragic enough, it turns out the shooter should never have been allowed to buy a gun in the first place, having been discharged from the Air Force after a domestic violence conviction (he broke a toddler's skull), but, here's the thing, the military never bothered to feed his name into the Don't Sell This Violent Maniac a Gun database, because that would've been too much work.
So the guy who BROKE A TODDLER'S SKULL was able to march into any fucking store he wanted, say "Boy I sure would like some murder machines!" and walk away with...well, with the tools to end 26 lives in a Sutherland Springs church.
Now, WHY does this shit keep happening? I'll tell you why. Wayne LaPierre always hides out for a few days after the latest massacre (I'm told it takes several showers to wash the blood off those filthy, filthy hands), but he'll be back soon enough, stirring up fear and hatred for his bloodthirsty masters.
Anyway. Next time you see him on tv, take a look at, oh, let's say his necktie.
It'll be a nice necktie. Nicer than any of mine, certainly. Wayne's a wealthy man. "Death Merchant Lobbyist" is a well-paid post.
Anyway. The tie. That tie will have been paid for by the money Devin P. Kelley spent on the rifle he used to shoot up that church. Paid for by the cost of the bullets Kelley bought for the express purpose of ending those 26 lives. The bullets that killed those children find their way to Wayne LaPierre's pocket, and he leaves that SAME MONEY in the tip jar when he gets a latte.
THAT'S why this happened. Why it'll happen again. Wayne's not about to give up his comforts.
But maybe I'm not being fair. Maybe I should look at the whole picture. Fuck, maybe I should be like the folks over at Fux Nooz, and see the brighter side of mass murder! After all, IS THERE A BETTER PLACE TO GET SLAUGHTERED IN A HAIL OF BULLETS THAN RIGHT IN YOUR VERY OWN CHURCH? I BET JESUS GIVES YOU AN EXTRA PACKAGE OF OATMEAL CREME PIES IF YOU GOT MURDERED IN CHURCH!!!!!!
Somehow there's a dude, a "minister" willing to go even lower, if you can imagine. Dude's all mad at the liberals for fighting against GAWD'S PLAN for all those kids to get shot to death because it was GAWD and not a violent fuckhead who should never have been allowed to purchase a firearm, but I guess Gawd wanted him to have the gun cuz he sure did fucking have it and maybe that 18-month-old who got killed was gonna grow up to be Hitler, did you ever think of that? CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!!!!!"
I need to leave a little space to allow everybody to detox from the horrifying state of the gun debate in our country. Take a moment to scream, if you need.
Anyhow.
It's been pretty fucking funny, watching Paul Manafort play Bargaining For Bail with Robert Mueller. Sorry, Paulie. This ain't Settlers of Catan. The government's gonna wind up confiscating your entire ill-gotten stash when all is said and done anyway. Enjoy your GPS ankle bracelet. You remain...#Manafucked.
I see the woman famously photographed flipping off Shart Garfunkel's motorcade lost her job as a result. If crudeness to our bloated, shit-for-brains, pigeon-dicked President is a firing offense now...geez, don't tell my boss about this blog.
Oh wait. I totally wear a mask. No worries.
We keep learning more about Paul Ryan's Make Americans Serfs Again tax reform bill, and...holy shit, y'all, how gerrymandered ARE these fuckers' districts, that they think they can get away with this? Teachers won't be able to deduct the cost of classroom supplies they pay for out of pocket anymore, but Princess Ivanka will be able to send her Pound Puppy to Oxford. And it looks like the bill actually RAISES taxes on low-and-middle-income households, just so the Koch Bros can wipe their asses with Ben Franklin instead of Ulysses Grant?
Reza Aslan published an op-ed over at the LA Times likening the Drumpf movement to a cult. That's a HOT TAKE, Reza. Most of us noticed that shit last summer when Tangerine Idi Amin's slavering hoards ritualistically circled the press pens at his rallies, shouting death threats at journalists while using ketchup as war paint on their Trump That Bitch t-shirts.
Gnome King/Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross is pipin' mad that the dirty librul media revealed all those multi-million-dollar financial entanglements with PutinPalz he lied about in his confirmation hearings. He says it's "evil." Not that he DID it, mind you, but that reporters found out about it and informed the public. THAT'S evil. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cobbling to finish before the Old Shoemaker wakes up!" Ross screeched, before vanishing in a cloud of putrid-smelling green smoke.
As I write this, all the journalists on political Twitter are busily combing through the just-released 200 pages of Carter Page testimony from his meeting with the House Intelligence Committee last week. Boy Howdy, Carter Page is...not smart.
In between tripping over his own lies, Page manages to confess to not only meeting with Russian officials on behalf of the campaign, but also informing a whole bunch of his colleagues about his activities. I'm afraid you won't be getting an Xmas card from Corey Lewandowski this year, Carter.
You really have to wonder why the Shart Campaign hired Page instead of, y'know, a well-trained corgi, or a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If you're lookin' for a little good news, I got some good news for you. Before I share it, I'm just gonna need you to repeal those pesky Magnitsky Act sanctions for me, 'kay?
Just kidding. But that woulda worked on Drumpf's shitty kids, y'know.
Good news is, apparently ACA signups are up (way up, if the Hill's sources are right) over last year, despite all of the Shart House's diligent efforts to sabotage advertising and outreach.
See how mighty we are, Resisters? The President of the United States is trying to HIDE the ACA markets from his own people, but WE THE PEOPLE are thwarting him. You've got links to ACA signup sites on your social media pages, right? RIGHT?
Want a little more good gnus? Ok, just make a teeeeeny change in the Republican Party platform, regarding Ukraine policy, and I'll let you know about the latest generic congressional ballot poll.
Anyway, I hope everybody reading this who has something to vote on tomorrow votes the ever-lovin' shit out of whatever election happens to be available.
And one way or another, exactly one year from today, we ALL get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, which I personally cannot fucking wait for.
*A DOTARD ABROAD, based on an unfinished W. Somerset Maugham story, will be adapted into an A&E miniseries this spring, starring a damaged clone of Jason Alexander in the title role.
Oh, Wilburrrrrrrrrr! Also, I think Jared Broke the Middle East (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hi everybody. I just popped out of the trenches of the Secret Antifa War to see if anything interesting's going on.
Feel free to check out the post with all relevant links at:
http://showercapblog.com/oh-wilbur-also-jared-broke-middle-east/
...holy fuck. It really never stops, does it?
Rick Perry must've poured a little science sauce on his smart guy glasses, when he posited Perry's First Theory of Fossil Fuels Preventing Sexual Assault. Hey assault victims! Maybe if you wore a frumpy turtleneck made of fossil fuels instead of that slutty dress that showed your ENTIRE ANKLE, you wouldn't have been assaulted, you filthy whores!
Speaking of science, one the industry stooges Scott Pruitt installed on the EPA's Science Advisory Board thinks the air is too clean. No no, I make a lot of jokes here, but this is just what the dude said. The air's too clean, we need kids to inhale a little more toxic shit so their bodies can get used to fending off all the even MORE toxic shit we plan on dumping into the air in the future.
Dude's telling us we need to mutate our bodies to survive in increasingly poisonous environments. What next? "Periodically administer chemical burns to your infant's skin, in order to build the thick layer of scales they'll need to endure the post-apocalyptic hellscape we expect to create by 2065, when we anticipate everything will be literally on fire all the time."
Joe Ricketts sure is a fucking scumbag, huh? Journalists at the websites he owns vote to unionize, he immediately fires everyone, shutters the sites, and locks the writers out of their own work? That's some Act One Scrooge level shit, Joe.
And to think, some would say there's a wealth inequality problem in America. Maybe you should just shut your cuck mouths lest ye anger our benevolent oligarch overlords, didja ever think of THAT?
Meanwhile, Donna Brazile took out her scales. On one side, she put "the fate of America, and indeed in the world." On the other, "sales of my forthcoming book." By now, you know what she chose.
Yes, one short week before Democrats' first chance to flex their electoral muscle and strike back at the Drumpf-enabling GOP, Brazile decided "This seems like the perfect time for some dishonest spin on an old story so as to pick open some old wounds."
The GOP has Uranium One, we have Donna Brazile.
Donna, with her ninja-level hindsight, claimed see saw All the Signs, because Hilldawg's campaign staff were inadequately fucking one another, a scientific metric worth of Secretary Perry. She also talked about heroically contemplating just ignoring the will of every primary voter altogether and replacing that Withered Crone with Joe Biden, or George Clooney. or maybe just a ficus.
Contradicted by absolutely everyone and backed up by literally no one, Brazile's walking back her inflammatory claims book ads, and she's all "Did I say rigging? I meant HUGGING!" Ugh.
Me, I'm donating the cover price of her shitty, self-aggrandizing slam book, 28 bucks, to the Democratic Party. Fuck Donna Brazile, let's elect some Democrats and take our motherfucking country back!
Carter Page is too dumb to be a real person, right? Like, one of these days, he's gonna run into a corner, and his face will pop open, revealing he's a sophisticated robot piloted by three or four drunken gerbils. RIGHT?
Anyway, MacArthur Dumbass Grant Recipient Page sat down for the House Intelligence Committee for a few hours on Thursday, without a lawyer, or even just a dog collar set to administer a mild corrective shock whenever he was about to say something really self-destructive. Which was really fuck dumb of him.
Yeah, Carter met some Russians, but they mostly just discussed their shared love of Perfect Strangers. And by the way, he totally told Jeff Sessions about doing it, which is weird, since that contradicts all those things the AG said under oath. In the Senate. Twice.
Yup yup, Ol' Beauregard done perjured himself again. I look forward to the ritual where Jeff gets dragged back to the Senate so that Al Franken can yell at him some more, and then he can swear up and down that for real this time, there are no more Russian contacts he can remember, and then four days CNN will come across a video of him pole-dancing at the Kremlin while the entire Duma pelts him with rubles.
And we keep learning that Allegedly Insignificant Coffee Boy George Papaderpaderp was dispatched on some pretty dang important assignments for such an Allegedly Insignificant Coffee Boy.
The Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits and a Dwarf Dick keeps tantruming about how he doesn't get to use the US Justice Department as his own personal vendetta-settling oppression apparatus. What's the point of even being President, right?
(In related news, Drumpf has allegedly been dropping hints around the office that he'd really, REALLY like a secret police force, answerable only to him, for Xmas this year. John Kelly's hoping a set of Justice League action figures will placate him.)
For a glorious hot minute (or ten), Il Douche's Twitter account was deactivated, apparently by a low-level employee on their last day. Bravo, Disgruntled Ex Twitter Employee! I always felt like James Dean just for shoving a ream of printer paper and a few pens in my backpack on my way out, but you got me beat!
The papers with fancy calligraphy nameplates get all the credit, but USAToday comes up with a decent little scoop now and then. This week they let us know that Weehands McGriftpants has been handing out plum government jobs to dues-paying members of his golf clubs. Neat setup, innit? Drop a little cash in the President's pocket, land a fat, taxpayer-funded, paycheck? Solid investment.
We're told Jared Kushner turned documents related to the Comey firing over to Robert Hood and his Merry Men. Is this why his Pa-in-law called him "worst political adviser in the White House in modern history?" Is there familial strife in Shartopia? Will Don the Con, Lear-like, make his children battle over a limited number of pardons?
Thanksgiving sure is gonna be awkward this year.
Jar-Jar also popped over to Saudi Arabia for a surprise, secret visit...and ever since he came back, shit's been getting seriously real over there...you've got politically-motivated arrests, you've got suspicious plane crashes...WHAT DID YOU DO, JARED?
Asked about the numerous vacancies at the State Department, Boss Shart declared, with all the grandiosity that such an inescapably tacky fellow could muster, "I am the only one that matters," which is a totally normal, not-at-all-worrisome thing for an American President to say. I'm pretty sure that was in the first draft of the Fear Itself speech.
If you were at Harvard last semester, maybe you got a chance to see Spicey Off the Record, the hot new lounge act spinnin' lies while avoiding accountability! Perhaps ridin' that podium segway to campus near you, soon! Or maybe jail!
The Bush Boys came at Sharty McFly in one of those books about how the GOP has turned into a production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest performed by the laboratory animals they test over-the-counter amphetamines on. Words as harsh as "blowhard" were bandied about. Quick, get me to my fainting couch!
And Kellyanne Conway dropped by CNN to chastise them for refusing to dutifully carve her boss' easily-disproven lies onto stone tablets. She's really grown nicely into her role as Indignant Propaganda Minister, hasn't she?
The Marmalade Shartcannon embarked on his big Asia trip, but not before stopping off in Hawaii to get mercilessly trolled by the locals.
And I guess he babbled some nonsense about Japan Shoulda Shot Down North Korea's Missiles Because Aren't They All Samurai Warriors or Something?
SAMURAI WARRIORS? Fuck. It's like we're being governed by the kids I went to sleepovers with in fourth grade. If Donnie doesn't get an extra turn at the controller playing Final Fantasy, you know he's gonna get all pouty and probably declare war on Finland.
Naturally he can't wait to meet with Uncle Vlad for his latest performance review. And also to see if maybe he has a spare room he can crash in for a couple of months.
NBC says Bashful Bob Mueller is closing in on Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn and his lunatic jagoff son. I don't get what the big deal is, personally. Why SHOULDN'T disgraced, unregistered foreign agents have access to the highest levels of classified intelligence in their quest to manipulate a moronic, know-nothing, Commander in Chief for the benefit of foreign paymasters?
And I guess all the early indictments have the various underlings from Team Shart scrambling in pants-shitting terror. Aw, poor traitors. Don't worry, I'm sure everyone will stay loyal to everyone else.
(Like Preibus didn't start shrieking "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE! BAGGINSSSSSSSSSSSS!" eight seconds after Mueller said "Good afternoon, Reince."
I suppose it's no longer particularly surprising news when we see yet another poll revealing the Shart to be historically loathed, but I did get an extra chortle of glee seeing the bit where a majority have noticed the whole Can't-Get-Shit-Done thing. Weird, how the strategy of Repeatedly Saying You've Accomplished More Than if All the Other Presidents Were Rolled Up Into One Super President Like Voltron isn't an adequate substitute for, y'know...actually doing shit.
I don't get to write about Wilbur Ross as often as I'd like, y'know? He's sort of flown under the radar, but he's a dirtbag we ought to revile just as much as Mnuchbag and Price and Zinke and the rest of the American Oligarch crew looting our nation. Anyway, it looks like it's finally the Gnome King's turn in the barrel!
Y'see, today saw the release of the long-awaited sequel to the Panama Papers, the Paradise Papers, this afternoon! (Coming next spring: Papers: Ragnarok!)
Seems our Commerce Secretary has a whole buncha billions he forgot t'tell the government about on his disclosure forms, (This cabinet sure is a forgetful lot! SOMEBODY COUNT THE NUKES, AMIRIGHT?) including some shared "business interests" with Vlad Putin's immediate family!
And it seems he's been making money partnering with sanctioned members of Uncle Vlad's inner circle? OH, WILBURRRRRRRRR!
By the way, the government of Cyprus, that haven for Russian oligarch money laundering where Secretary Ross ran a very large bank before joining the cabinet, turned over a bunch of documents to Mueller relating to the dealings of the recently-indicted Paul Manafort, who is increasingly #Manafucked.
Oh, and Kremlin-connected oligarchs bought up large stakes in Facebook and Twitter? Rad. Thank God the beneficiaries of all this Russian infiltration and interference are the ones in charge of investigating it, and preventing it from happening again.
I guess Rand Paul's neighbor assaulted him? They're both rich jags in a gated community, but I'm pretty sure this is the work of a vast Soros-funded Antifa/Jade Helm/Hydra conspiracy. Seriously though. Don't punch Senators. Punch Richard Spencer.
Oh, and of course most of Puerto Rico still doesn't have power.
And Tangerine Idi Amin, that America First champion, just won permission to hire foreign workers at the very same golf club where he charges the American taxpayer exorbitant fees for the Secret Service to rent golf carts.
Fuck, y'all. Shit be cray. Shit be so goddamn cray, I didn't even have time to talk about how shitty the GOP tax bill is. But we're all gonna get on the phones and sink that fucker all the way to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, aren't we?
Anyway, I gotta get back to Antifaing all the Real Americans now.
Just Past Halloween, Trump's Already Turned on His Fucking Son-in-Law.
Good evening, friends. As always, you can find the post, with links, at:
http://showercapblog.com/trump-turned-on-kushner/
Well folks, Halloween has come and gone, so why does reading the news still feel like I've been locked in the Funhouse Hall of Mirrors with nothing but NyQuil and moldy pumpernickel to subsist on?
Before we get started, don't forget the OBAMACARE OPEN ENROLLMENT PERIOD started today! Your government doesn't want anybody to know that. Your government would prefer you died like the Taker Scum you know you are than giving you the health insurance you're entitled to, because you see a black guy told a joke about Donald Trump this one time.
So it's on US, Resisters. We need to replace all the advertising and word-spreading that our distressingly bloodthirsty government refuses to do. So get your asses on social media, and let everybody know about that sweet sweet health insurance that's batting its eyes in the corner, all coquettishly, at the millions of Americans who're entitled to it. Health Insurance, you SLUT.
As you all know, New York was the site of a horrifying terror attack. Your average, run-of-the-mill President might give a rousing, unifying speech, about how strong, decent, and loving Americans are, how these cowardly acts will not defeat us...but not Government Cheese Goebbels.
No, he wants to rant about how Chuck Schumer personally smuggled the terrorist into the country in the trunk of his hybrid (CUCK), nursed him to adulthood on a diet of jihadist propaganda and SpaghettiOs, and finally turned him loose wearing a suit made entirely from I'm With Her bumper stickers.
(Later in the day, some of the frothier nutcases on the right came at Jake Tapper for daring to suggest that maybe not all Muslims are evil, but Diet Rambo was NOT HAVIN' THAT SHIT.)
Anyway, these days the national discourse seems to revolve around whether or not the Civil War was really about race and slavery, or just the inability of good ol' boys to sit down over mint juleps and a friendly game of Jenga to hammer out a friendly compromise on whether or not human beings could be property. IT'S LIKE 1855 BUT WITH MINECRAFT!
Papa John came out against free speech today, because EVEN PIZZA IS AN ASSHOLE NOW. I guess American Fascism has an official fast food sponsor, that's nifty. Maybe they can start making kids meals, with little personal pizzas that come with a talking action figure of the Texans owner referring to his players as "inmates."
And of course we're still rolling around in the aftermath of Manic Monday* like gleeful puppies frolicking through leaf piles, because goddammit, we deserve a little good news.
It is one of the great pleasures of my life, witnessing Shart Garfunkel's craven media enablers desperately, pathetically trying to spin this as anything other than jackhammer-to-the nutsack news for the administration. (Sean Hannity's descent into madness has permanently replaced pornography for me.)
"C'mon, this is Paul Manafort's problem! Ok, so the President hired a career criminal, an unregistered foreign agent, to manage his campaign, & the dude was laundering money for Putin Pals the whole time, but there's nothing in there about collusion!"
Really? A money launderer running the campaign? That's something y'all're just totally down with now?
"Yep."
Ok, what Poopaderpaderp? The guy who literally confesses to collusion, and implicates multiple high-ranking campaign personnel as well?
"Oh, he was hardly involved in the camp-"
NOPE. Looka here. Also here.
"...HILLARY CLINTON KIDNEY-PUNCHED MY GRAMMA! BENGHAZI! EMAILS! URRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANIUUUUUUUUUUM."
It'd be funny, if it all wasn't done in service to protecting traitors.
Getting back to Papadoobedoo, you know everyone's least favorite racist Keebler elf, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, spent this week hiding in his office, quietly crapping frosting into whatever freaky religious undergarment he wears. See, we keep learning more and more about Ol' Beauregard's ties with young Georgie, and the magic 8-ball says "You're rather spectacularly fucked, Jeff."
Did Perpawalkywalk have a little talky talk with Sessions while wired, and swap it for his cushy plea deal? I don't know, but I'll tell ya what, folks: I really, REALLY want that. I don't know why I hate Sessions more than any of the other fucks in this cheap goon cabal, but I really fucking do.
And y'know what else I want? I want to see Sessions sent to one of these private prisons he's been oh-so-eagerly filling up with undocumented immigrants and non-violent drug offenders. He's so eager to ratchet up the Justice Department's role in jackbooted institutional white supremacy? Fuck you, Jeff, I bet they can spare a cot for a traitor.
And I'm placing a 30-cigarette bounty on each of his dopey ears, when that day comes.
Somehow Paul Manafort found himself in even deeper shit today, as the Ukrainian government (You know the one. The one Putin doesn't like. The one whose enemies Paul Manafort worked for.) is all "Fuck YES y'all can have everything we've dug up on that Rectal Tumor of a Human Being!"
I guess Manafort surrendered not one, but THREE passports before reporting for house arrest, which is pretty typical of people who aren't in the habit of committing international financial crimes, right?
We're told Manafort frequently travelled under false names, among them Madame Penelope Grundle, mysterious dowager Countess, a famously poor baccarat player known for soliciting foot massages from Southern Europe's most eligible bachelors. (Manafort turns out to be surprisingly fetching under the appropriate wig, particularly once he's applied a beauty mark.)
The GOP, meanwhile, refuses to pass legislation protecting the Mueller investigation. Bob Corker's all, "He's not batshit enough to fire Mueller," apparently forgetting that the fuckhead SET THE WHOLE FUCKING INVESTIGATION OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE BY FIRING JIM COMEY FOR REFUSING TO PLEDGE LOYALTY.
I never knew this, but it turns out one of my favorite things about all the previous Presidents of my lifetime is how they never referred to the entire American justice system as a "joke" or a "laughingstock." I guess my fifth grade civics class didn't adequately prepare me for 2017's rapidly-plummeting standards.
Oh, and speaking of Levels of Depravity You Never Imagined an American President Could Possibly Sink To, I guess the Marmalade Shartcannon's lawyers are saying that slandering the women who've accused him of sexual assault is constitutionally protected free speech.
Sure, whatever. At this point, I just need Al Franken to bring that up at the impeachment trial, just in passing.
Scott Pruitt continues purging the EPA of scientists, because if you think science is a real thing, that means you have a "conflict of interest," unlike the noble avatars of impartiality he's replacing them with; fossil fuel company lobbyists.
And just to show everyone how serious the Shart House is about the whole Science is For Cucks initiative, wooooo doggie, get a load of the asspimple they're trying to push through to run NASA!
What next? Maybe they'll name Gallagher Chief of Staff at Walter Reed? Maybe the next Surgeon General will just be a waffle. That last Eggo waffle, freezerburned and forgotten underneath that one Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Marsala box you bought when you were feeling adventurous.
(Just to cleanse the pallet, let me offer you this profile of Betsy DeVos, focusing on what a hamfisted fuckup she is. Feel better?)
(But then, if you want to swing back in the other direction, here's a Mother Jones piece that shows just how deep in the derp our government really is. HOLY BALLS, DUDE.)
We got a look at some of the ads the Russkies unleashed on our dumbass electorate last year. Everything from race-baiting to arm-wrasslin' Jesus to color-your-own-sexxxy-Bernie to Here's Hillary Shitting on a Veteran's Grave While Giving Bin Laden a Hand Job, because, as I keep saying, Russia figured out how to weaponize our most prominent natural resource: morons.
Going microlocal, gather ye 'round to hear the tale of this shitty little white girl who poisoned her black roommate and got expelled and now faces hate crimes charges. Is America great again yet?
Mexico's former ambassador to the U.S. says the State Department's protocol urges diplomats to steer people to Orange Julius Caesar's shitty, gaudy, hotels. Got that? Low-T Rex doesn't think we need a sanctions office, but helpin' out Boss Shart with his petty grift is official policy.
And of course the Feral Jackasses in the House Republican Caucus continue bumbling through the construction of their tax "reform" bill, like stoned chimpanzees trying to put the Mousetrap board game together.
What's in it? Who the fuck knows? Not the Republican Party, a day or so before unveiling it, certainly. Rumors abound. Will it casually repeal the individual mandate, sending health insurance markets into an entirely predictable, economy-crushing death spiral? Will it cap tax-deductible contributions to 401(K) plans just so Charlie Koch can have his scrotum gilded?
Greg Gianforte chews absentmindedly at the cabbage patch doll has colleagues dressed up as a reporter to funnel his rage in less self-destructive directions. Steve King sits in the courier, raving about cantaloupes. Jim Jordan...is an asshole.
And of course the Man With Phalangeal Stunting is down in the trenches, personally working out the minute details of the bill, balancing the needs of the various stakeholders with the deftness of a master legislator, sort of like Lyndon-Johnson-as-played-by-the-Rock.
Hah hah just kidding, he doesn't even know what the fucking bill does. His contribution apparently comes down to wanting to call the legislation the "Cut Cut Cut" bill, because...I guess this "branding genius" doesn't have a lot left in the tank after "let's name it after me."
Seen this Vanity Fair piece? This is the best 36-leaker-sourced-portrait-of-a-dickless-tyrant-in-meltdown article since the heady days of the Priebus era. Not even a year in, Dorito Mussolini's already turning on his fucking FAMILY.
And of course Steve Bannon, that Pockmarked Grima Wormtongue, counsels his old boss to dig a trench around the Resolute Desk, declare himself Emperor for Life, and turn as much of America into Kurtz's camp as he can get away with.
Just for fun, let's check in on the new poll that says 59% of Americans call these shitty days "the lowest point in the nation's history that they can remember."
Jesus Fuck, polling's taken a dark turn of late, huh? Fuck it, let's keep digging. Let's find out how many hours daily the Average American spends gazing into the Abyss, and what percentage report the Abyss gazing back. How many people find Guernica a comparatively cheerful painting when placed alongside the morning's print edition of the Washington Post?
FUCK. Maybe Werner Herzog should run for President. HERZOG/THAT FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU SMELL YOUR DEAD GRANDPA'S COLOGNE ON THE BUS 2020, y'all!
*Donnie wishes it were a Sunday. That's his Golf Day. Well, the second consecutive one.
But Other Than That, How Was Breakfast, Mr. Manafort?
Hiya, folks. As always, a few moments might make more sense with the links, on my site at:
http://showercapblog.com/breakfast-mr-manafort/
Hey, Happy Indictment Day, everyone! I'm partaking of the traditional Indictment Day IPA Six-pack...if this post mysteriously cuts off halfway through, it's because I've passed out on my keyboard, hammered and cackling.
Before we enter the atmosphere to conduct a thorough exploration of Planet Schadenfreude, let's take a moment to appreciate Joy Reid's one-woman, two-fisted, journalism school master class.
Are you paying attention, The Rest of the Media? This is what we need from you, cuz Team Shart's last lingering hope is a massive misinformation campaign. So don't Both Sides that shit, don't give us "Fuckhead #6 says Hillary Clinton eats kittens," be like Joy Reid, and demolish Fort Horseshit with the Righteous Wrecking Ball of You're Just Making Stuff Up, And I SEE YOU, ASSHOLE.
Jared Kushner's being investigated in Maryland for being a slumlord, that's fun. If one of Obama's (or even W's) chief advisors found themselves under investigation for being a slumlord, the world would've ground to a halt. Now we're like, "Yeah, yeah...call me when you dig up the hooker graveyard."
I guess we can appreciate this profile of John Boehner in retirement. I just skimmed it, but I guess he says Jason Chaffetz and Jim Jordan are assholes (HOT TAKE, JOHN! You're all assholes.), somebody held a knife to his throat once, and I guess he spends all day writing spec scripts for an Andy Griffith Show relaunch, and cooking meth. Who the fuck cares? Boehner's a bag of festering shit. Just because there are somewhat larger bags of festering shit around now doesn't make Boehner less of a bag of festering shit.
Puerto Rico canceled the too-corrupt-to-believe-even-by-fucking-Drumpf-era-standards contract with Cowboy Z's hometown buds. Everybody's basically sitting around hoping that with all the various shitstorms going on, there just won't be any lawyers left to dig too deeply into just how this ridiculous grift got set up in the first place.
And some of the "white lives matter" jagoffs spilled over from their pathetic little cosplay march in Tennessee to gang up on an interracial couple in a nearby restaurant, because I guess Shitty White Supremacist Loser Terrorism is just a thing we let happen now.
Seems some member of the Master Race decided to demonstrate his genetic superiority by punching a woman in the face. Hey, Dickless. Bring your show to Chicago some time. I'll give you the names of a few bars to walk into. Try pulling your shit there. See what happens.
The Marmalade Shartcannon was administered a particularly sturdy taint punt by today's Gallup poll, hitting a new low, with a mere 33% approving, and 62% opting for "Fuck that spraytanned sack of liposuction fat, he suxxxx."
And that was BEFORE the big news hit.
That news, of course, was the start of the Bundy Ranch standoff trial.
Anyhow, I think that's everything, Resisters! I'll check in later in the week, and don't forget to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!!!
...
...
What, did I miss something?
Oh, you mean the indictments? No, I've been assured by most powerful men and women in the country that the whole Mueller thing'll be wrapping up any minute now, and that it's a big ol' nothingburger anyway.
I mean, if y'all want a make a big deal out of the President of the United States' former campaign manager (and his faithful stooge) being indicted on 12 charges, I guess I can't stop you from getting caught up in the LAMESTREAM LIBTARD MEDIA'S CONSPIRACY TO COVER UP BENGHAZIURANIUMANVINCEFOSTERGATE, you CUCKS!
In all honesty, it was almost kind of a letdown at first, right? We had the whole "Tune in Monday to see just who the lucky indictee will be!" teaser Friday night, and we had a whole weekend to fantasize about, say, Stephen Miller locking himself in a West Wing bathroom, hiding from the FBI, crying about how he's not ready to go prison for life, for Christ's sake, no woman since his mother has seen his bare shoulders!
But you knew it was gonna be Manafort. We've read about all the shit he's neck-deep in for months now, and the safe money was always on Manafort being the first domino.
So you saw it was Manafort, and I guess his loser sidekick who you haven't thought about much, and it was like "That's cool, it's good news, but I hope the next episode has more dragons or something, because this show's getting predictable."
...and that's about when you noticed that OTHER indictment.
"George Papadopoulos? I read something about him a while back, what's this about?"
...oh....OH!
He's already pleaded guilty? To lying to the FBI? Over contacts with Russia? While working for the Trump campaign? And there's all sorts of shit in there about other high-ranking officials bein' in the loop on the treasonous shenanigans?
Well shit. Looks like we got ourselves a ballgame here.
Cuz now, attempted collusion is proven. Confessed to. We already had that with the famous Dumbass, Jr. meeting, but now we know this whole campaign was just THIRSTY FOR TREASON.
And consensus rapidly developed that Papadopoulos, a small fish, almost certainly wore a wire for Mueller, and surely delivered the goods on some of the major players, or we wouldn't have learned about his plea today.
So just IMAGINE the paranoia engulfing this gang of bumbling crooks today. A few of them understand they've fucked themselves thoroughly over via conversations with Little Papi, which they only now understand were recorded, and snugly rest in Mueller's hands.
The rest? Well, who knows who's flipped and who hasn't? Does anybody imagine that a gimpy tapeworm like Reince Priebus hasn't cracked?
So Sam Clovis is in trouble. (And not just for potential heart health issues! I don't want to body-shame on a progressive blog, but good golly Sam! You look like you wash down your breakfast plate of gravy and gravy with a tall glass of Crisco, ya fat fuck!) Clovis is likely the unnamed "supervisor" in the Papaderpaderp indictment. Manafort seems to be in additional trouble here as well. And Corey Lewandowski may be caught in this particular dirtbag-trap as well, HEE FUCKIN' HEE.
And of course we have the now-famous photo of Poopadopeadope sitting happily in a meeting with the Shart himself and one Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. And my god, if this little twerp's testimony leads to that racist mediocrity's career ending in disgrace, I'll build him a fucking statue.
Well, maybe a butter sculpture.
But let us not lose sight of the day's minutia, for the time shall surely come when we will be asked to recount the finest details of America's struggle for Her very soul, over evenings of Boxed Wine and Trivial Pursuit. On that day, dear reader, you will be called on to remember just how much American Traitor Paul Manafort fucking loved rugs.
And of course Sarah Huckabee Sanders (Who I saw described today as "The Uncredible Huck," and you can bet your ass I'm stealing that.) dutifully marched out to sneer at the press and condescendingly proclaim that the indictment of Drumpf's campaign manager is really an indictment of Hillary Clinton because...reasons.
Oh, and Sanders also pitched the GOP tax plan by plagiarizing an internet forward from fifteen years ago, because that's the intellectual rigor applied by the executive branch these days.
If you're looking for a maraschino cherry on your schadenfreude cupcake, may I suggest this Tweet from the account James Comey set up to troll the cheap crook who fired him?
Of course, if you're looking for an alternative emotional experience, you could poke around in the darker corners of the right wing maniacosphere, where you can find plenty of folks counseling a hard turn to full-out, rule-of-law-shredding fascism. May I recommend Judge Jeanine? Pat Robertson? The Wall Street Journal Editorial Board?
Things were actually awful for Team Treasonweasel OUTSIDE of the Russia Kerfuffle, if you can believe that. Like, your wife's leaving you for her Pilates instructor, and then you get home to find the basement's flooded and there's nothing left of the Halloween candy but Mounds.
First off, a federal judge blocked the Velveeta Urinal Cake's proposed ban on transgender soldiers, because "I'm absolutely desperate to throw my shitty, hateful, base something resembling a victory" isn't a constitutionally sound reason for a draft-dodging testicle tumor to steal anyone's civil rights, turns out.
And Susan Collins, who ain't afraid of no Shart, laid out her demands regarding the new tax reform legislation, and they are...not compatible with the Ryan/Koch game plan.
See, the GOP was REALLY hoping they'd get away with repealing Obamacare and cutting their donor class' taxes before the indictments starting flying, but now they're stuck wearing I Betrayed My Country and All I Got Was the Repeal of a Regulation That Made it Harder For Oil Companies to Bribe Foreign Governments t-shirts.
Anyway, know that Mitch McConnell is scrambling to get as many Deplorables as possible confirmed to federal judgeships before the Treason hashtags start tending in earnest, because Yertle might be a fucker, but he is a savvy fucker. (Unlike Devin Nunes, who is, as longtime readers will already know, merely a Pigfucker.)
And I see Facebook's all "Hey, yeah...turns out our website got hijacked by a Russian troll farm and basically they used us to spread fake news that was probably seen by more or less half of the country during the election, soooooooo...our bad?"
...deploying social media trolls to weaponize our blossoming moron crop. Looking back now, it seems obvious. Tragically, embarrassingly, obvious.
Of course you knew you'd see a whole swarm of those sourced-by-sixty-five-off-the-record-leakers stories about Smallhands McNopenis throwing his usual self-pity-and-hair-tonic-fueled tantrums. Well, pick your poison.
Golly it's fun watching SHARTUS' dwindling circle of defenders melt down in the wake of the indictments. Sean Hannity and Noot Gingrich are frantically, pathetically spinning, even as I write this. And Carter Page? Fuck only knows what's going on in Carter Page's head. That boy could get lost in his own shower.
Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IVANKA! Your whole shitty family is colossally fucked, we're about to discover what traitorous shitsacks you all are, your family name will be a curse word and punchline for generations, your GremlinDork husband's going to jail, the money will all disappear, and you'll spend the rest of your days loathed and shunned by decent people everywhere.
If it makes you feel any better, Princess, you'll probably look back on today as one of the good days. Comparatively.
Hope there was cake today, is all I'm sayin'.
PS - Golly, I guess John Kelly decided to really lean in to his heel turn tonight. Fuck that guy. There's plenty of room on the trash heap of history, General.
31 Flavors of Fuckery, I'll Just Have a Mueller Genuine Draft
Hello chums, as always, I invite you to check out the links version at:
http://showercapblog.com/mueller-genuine-draft/
Shit is getting real, y'all. Shit is hitting the fan. REAL SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN AND WHILE I CANNOT DEFINITIVELY TESTIFY TO THE REALNESS OF THE FAN IT SEEMS LIKELY THAT IS IN FACT REAL OTHERWISE THE SHIT WOULD HAVE FLOWN THROUGH IT AND HIT THE WALL BEHIND THE FAN, RIGHT?
There was a serious surge in Republican Fuckery this week, wasn't there?
...well, at least we understand why, now. Heh.
Hell with it, let's dive right into the deep end of the Fuckery pool. Immigration agents detained a 10-year girl with cerebral palsy. I can't believe I typed that without puking on my hands. Fuckers STOPPED A LITTLE GIRL'S AMBULANCE on the way to emergency surgery, but o-so-magnanimously allowed her to continue the hospital, only to linger outside her room to take her into custody the very moment she was released.
Thanks so much, Drumpf/ICE/Kelly/Sessions, whichever of you fucks are responsible! Thank you for protecting me from the TEN YEAR OLD GIRL WITH CEREBRAL PALSY!
Jesus, if this is what you're spending my tax money on, I'd rather you just went ahead and golfed 24/7. You evil fucks. Let's keep bump stocks legal while we deport ten year olds.
In International Fuckery, Secretary of State Tillerson decided to close the office that oversees sanctions, even as the Shart Administration drags its feet implementing new sanctions on Mamma Russia. Low-T Rex is like that grumpy, penny-pinching grandpa, scowling as he shambles from room to room, turning off lights and unplugging machines to save on the electric bill, never realizing he's in a hospital.
Now, Betsy DeVos isn't about to get out-Fuckeried by a Dumpy Old Thumb like Rex, so she's looking at reversing the Obama-era policy of fully forgiving student loan debt for those defrauded by fake, shitty, for-profit colleges COUGHCOUGHTRUMPUNIVERSITY. Apparently, all that kept America from becoming great again was too many protections for disabled kids, too few for campus rapists, and the government being a total cuck about clawing back debt from fraud victims.
Let's not neglect the Soft Fuckery of John Kelly refusing to apologize to Frederica Wilson for standing in front of the entire nation and lying his ass off about her.
And the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, wants his own float in the Fuckery Parade. Here he is raging his shitty Klansman head off about all those dirty Yankee judges failing to show the proper respect to Il Douche and his petty band of Administrative State Deconstructers.
Jefferson's no fool. Of all the highest-ranking bastards in this Gaggle of Assfungi, he's the one who understands the law best. He knows the reckoning day's a-coming, and he just wants to fuck up as many non-white folks' lives as he possibly can before the FBI knocks on his door.
So, after activists filed a lawsuit challenging the integrity of the special election in the Georgia sixth, the university hosting the electoral data played a rousing game of Whoops I Erased The Server! Local Fuckery!
I only bring this up because I keep getting mixed messages on the issue of digital security. I can't quite pin it down, but I feel like I remember some folks raising a bit of a stink over somebody erasing a server or something? Help me out...
The good folks over at the ACLU (who would put your donation to excellent use, don'tcha know) uncovered documentation of KKKris KKKobach's burning drive to inflict his own special brand of Fuckery on the entire nation. KKKris does NOT want you to be allowed to vote, especially if you belong some minority group that's statistically disinclined to support fascists like him and his rectal tumor of a boss.
Peeking into the Fuckery From Days Gone By Files, the Failing New York Times reports that Natalia V. Veselnitskaya brought a set of Kremlin-approved talking points to the famous Boy Howdy Do I EVER Wanna Collude With You meeting with Shart, Jr., now set to be honored in the Guinness Book of World Records as the Most Lied-About Gathering of People in Human History.
In the Majestic Fuckery of Nature column, it seems the Candycorn Skidmark wants to shrink Bear Ears National Monument. That's probably one of the President's Top 10 accomplishments, nearly a year in. Shrinking a National Monument. Someday grade school kids will give book reports on that one. America. Fuck yeah.
Looking now to the Wide World of Sports Fuckery, didja see where the owner of the NFL's Houston Texans got all Rich Guy Mad at his manservants, er..."players" and their uppity kneeling? Yes yes, he lamented, from behind his monocle and beneath his top hat, we can't have the inmates running the prison, HARUMPH HARUMPH.
Good luck attracting free agents this offseason, Texans Oligarch Man!
Hey, speaking of wealthy jagoffs, the muckety-mucks of a major private prison mega-corp moved their "Let's Celebrate Our Rampant Fuckery" conference to one of the Sunny D-Bag's golf courses, just as a way of saying "Hey, thanks for for all the extra business, You Big Fat Racist Shithole, You." I'm sure Jeff Sessions will be a guest of honor as well, because hey, a new generation of young black men ain't gonna throw THEMSELVES into the prison/industrial complex, amiright? AMIRIGHT?
The Human Garbage Pail Kid finally declared the opioid crisis a public health emergency, which sounds like he maybe did something halfway decent, just to switch things up, but nah, he didn't allocate any new resources to actually DO anything, he just said "This is a thing that is bad." Also, he seems to think slapping a couple "Just Say No" posters up in the halls of assorted middle schools will take care of the whole problem.
There was much furrowing of brows and clutching of pearls over a poll that showed a slim majority of Democrats approving of George W. Bush! Chillax, folks. He'd just given a big speech shitting on a certain carrot-hued wannabe tyrant, and there was a little lingering warmth from that; it doesn't mean the party platform will call for Social Security privatization next year.
Down in Puerto Rico, they still don't have power. What they DO have is Ryan Zinke's grifteriffic buddies, and their AMAZING just-give-us-all-the-fucking-money-and-you-can-shove-any-oversight-up-your-rosy-red-ass contract.
Now, Cowboy Z is SUPER indignant that anyone's suggesting he had ANYTHING to do with Whitefish landing this $300 million, no-bid contract. Even though it's based in his hometown. And his son worked for them. And he already helped them get a contract in Montana once before.
Nope, Puerto Rico just called up two random fuckjobs in Montana and said "Hey, would you like a $300 million dollar contract? We'll throw in $400 per diems, plus, for no reason whatsoever, we'll preemptively waive any right to audit or sue if you happen to fuck up or rip us off in any way. Basically just take our money and do whatever you fucking feel like with it.
They're also burning bodies down in Puerto Rico. Horrifyingly, they've cremated more than 900 bodies since the hurricane, all of which they say died of Natural Causes and Now That They're All Ash, You Can't Say Any Different.
Because your government has botched hurricane relief efforts so badly that they're DESTROYING BODIES TO COVER UP THE DEATH TOLL.
Halloween season ain't skimping on horror this year.
Because he's a blithering moron who can't do anything right, somehow the American President managed to fuck up giving Halloween candy to some kids. I guess they were the press' kids, so he could just barely stop himself from telling them to murder their lying parents in their sleep? Anyway, he said how great it was that they weren't fat fucks like himself, and sent them on their way.
The guy who can't handle PASSING OUT FUCKING HALLOWEEN CANDY wants to start a war with a nuclear-armed nation. I just really hope all you Jill Still voters are SUPER proud of yourselves.
Anyway. Obviously the biggest bit of Fuckery, some truly eerily well-coordinated Fuckery, was the sudden consensus, from the Shart House to Congress to the right wing media bubble all the way down to the lowliest Russian Twitter bot, was that these silly collusion investigations had more or less run their course, and it's gettin' to be about quittin' time, don'tcha think? After all, we can't keep spending taxpayer money! This isn't BENGHAZI for pity's sake!
For a little extra punch, they dredged up the long-ago discredited Hillary/Uranium story from the campaign trail...something about Clinton trading all our precious atomic power to the Russians in return for elite Soviet lesbian hookers or something. I don't know, it never made any sense.
Oh, and Comey and Mueller were there too, I guess? Selling aborted baby parts on behalf of Planned Parenthood? I don't fucking know, it's just 'sposed to be some massive, all-compassing Pile of Badness that coincidentally encompasses everyone who's dangerous to the cabal of cheap crooks squatting in the White House.
Paul Waldman's on to these fuckers. Not that their plan is especially crafty. Just scream about...something, anything, to distract the Rubes.
In the "Nazi Fuckery" Department, everybody's favorite Deposed Fascist Advisor, "Doctor" Sebastian Gorka decided to lend his own special blend of spices to the mix (SPOILER: they are Nazi spices), talking about how great it would be if we could just execute Hillary Clinton. Because Seb is a Nazi. A bloodthirsty Nazi who worked in the White House until very, very recently.
Anyway, it didn't take long to figure out why Operation Please Dear God Please Change the Subject launched when it did.
For on a late October night we're likely to remember for some time, Bashful Bob Mueller dropped the first of what will likely wind up being a whole pianoful of hammers.
Team Mueller filed their first indictment. Or perhaps indictmentZ? We found out Friday, but they don't get unsealed until Monday. Plenty of time for plenty of assholes to poop plenty of pants.
Hannity, Gorka, and especially Roger Stone had particularly memorable Twitter meltdowns in response. Roger done got himself banned from the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine, possibly for life, for threatening a bunch of journalists. Innocent men threaten journalists all the time, right?
Corey Lewandowski even flipped his shit live on teevee, about how Pay No Attention to the Indictments Behind the Curtain, focus on the "lies of the Clinton administration," because these fucks are really, really wishing they HAD lost last November.
And while it's fun to laugh at these buffoons as they blunder about, tripping over their own feet, let's not ignore the fact that Dana Boente, U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia, suddenly and unexpectedly resigned Saturday. Donald J. Trump (The "J" stands for "Fuck Nixon, I am TOTALLY a crook" wants to name his own boy for the district, y'see, since Donald J. Trump falls under its jurisdiction as long as he's President.
And of course Little Donnie Two-Scoops wants State to release more of Madame Hilldawg's old e-mails. He also ordered the lifting of a gag order on an informant in his futile quest to force America to take the uranium story hoax seriously. There's a silver bullet there someplace, Shart-O. You should get your hopes way, way up for that.
Desperate for anything resembling good news, Dorito Mussolini tweeted out his schadenfreude that Michael Moore's Broadway show shut down in humiliating failure. Of course, Moore's show merely completed its pre-announced run as scheduled, so there is truly no joy whatsoever in Mudville.
Good.
Fuckhead even tried stealing the credit for the release of the Kennedy assassination files. That's how desperate for a win he is. Heh. You're really gonna HATE Monday, Donnie. Like Garfield to the power of Garfield. That is your Monday.
Things are about to pretty nutty, folks. God only knows what this narcissistic doofus will do as the walls close in. If this morning's Twitter rant is any indication, he won't think twice about tearing the whole damn country apart to cover his own ass.
But as he and his sycophants desperately spread their misinformation, never forget there are more of us. His supporters were the minority on Election Day, and that base has done nothing but shrink since. It's gonna get rough, but we'll get through this shit.
Point is, be strong, be vigilant...be like this woman.
Someday We Shall Build Statues of Bob Corker and Jeff Flake Bravely Quitting
Hello my friends. Thanks, as always, for reading. There are a couple of bits here that will make more sense with links, which you can find at:
http://showercapblog.com/someday-we-shall-build-statues-of-bob-corker-and-jeff-flake-bravely-quitting/
Well, it's scary movie season, but the box office is in the crapper, cuz the American people are all, "You think YOU got problems? Fuck you, I'd give my eye teeth* to just be dealing with an icepick-wielding maniac in a plastic mask. Your boy gets nuclear codes, gimmie a fuckin' call."
Let's examine all the mid-week madness, shall we? (Giggles distractedly. Chews fingernails to the nub. Bleeds.)
Bob Corker has had enough, y'all. He's investing in purple pants and running around Capitol Hill shouting BOB SMASH! He's talking about how SCROTUS is a lying liar who lies, who's fuckin' up the USA's relationships with the rest of the world, and who wants to grow up to be a DEBASER (De-base-errrrrr)
And then Jeff Flake joined in the fun, giving a rousing speech on the Senate floor that was largely about how shitty the President is but also about how he's quitting before he can lose the election he was almost certainly going to lose next year.
And so you start to allow yourself a little hope, that the dam has finally broken, and the treasonweasels in the Republican Party might finally, FINALLY be ready to stand up to this jabbering cancer that's gnawing away at everything that's good and decent about this country...but then you find out that instead, they gave him a bunch of standing ovations in a party lunch, each taking turns giving him lap dances, and Ted Cruz' was the best one because Littlefinger made fun of his wife and dad during the whole thing, and he cried a little.
And yeah, they turned right around that night to repeal a rule that allowed us the right to sue financial institutions when they rip us off, because in the end, they are still fucking Republicans, and Republicans gonna Republican, even if they do cross the low moral bar of criticizing an obviously evil, incompetent, under-qualified, idiotic, too-long-tie-wearing, dotard who threatens all life on this planet.
I dunno, folks. Bob Corker is not going to suddenly co-sponsor a single payer bill. John McCain will still try to give the Pentagon all the money in the world, up to and including the tip jar at the coffee shop down the road from the clinic where he gets cancer treatments. Jeff Flake is still going to...well, still going to be a goofy, useless, rank-and-file conservative wanker who's wrong about more or less everything.
I don't know how much we can or should expect from these folks, but from my chair, GOP Senators speaking out against the Shart is better than GOP Senators not speaking out against the Shart. Maybe not a whole lot better, but better.
Anyhow. Some protester pelted President Crotchvoid with Russian flags, which was, I must say, nicely done. I'd have chosen urinal cakes, but Russian flags are fine.
Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes decided to bring the long-since debunked Uranium Deal Controvery back from beyond the grave. It doesn't matter that it was debunked. As we saw from the heady days (years) of Benghazimania, all the Frothy Rube Army requires is some nebulous, ever-shifting, non-specific target to rage at, and they'll rage most happily.
Wouldn't it be nice, folks, if George Orwell were a little less right about human nature?
Shit, Devin won't even need to pull out of Ma Howry's Prized Sow to make this work. Couple of press releases about "uncooperative witnesses," a few segments on Fux n' Frenz about how the Lamestream Media won't cover the story...we'll have morons shootin' up pizza restaurants again in NO time!
And of course there's also gonna be a shiny new investigation into everybody's old favorite, Hillary's E-mails! Like a fresh-but-faithful new cover of a time-tested classic! That this comes as Republicans seem unwilling to investigate Jar-Jar and Ivanka for...conducting government business over...private e-mail held on a private server is...well, if hypocrisy bothered Republican congressfucks, they'd have all committed ritual suicide years ago.
Ryan Zinke's been feeling a little neglected, y'all. Everybody's been paying so much attention to big-league grifters like Steve Mnuchin and Tom Price, he's jealous he's not getting the credit he deserves! Cowboy Z can grift too, y'know!
Boy, can he! The Z-man seems to have steered a 300 million dollar contract to a couple of good ol' boys back home. One day, you're running a two-man outfit with absolutely zero experience in restoring power in a disaster zone, the next you're living the high life, paying folks $462 an hour, even threatening to stop working if the local government doesn't stop criticizing your corruption!
And that the company, Whitefish, is financed by major Trump donors/pals-of-Zinke? Just another coincidence, folks. It's not as though your executive branch is just one big organized crime ring giddily distributing your tax money amongst their cheap grifter pals or anything.
...wait.
The bipartisan Alexander-Murray ACA stabilization bill got a CBO score that says it'll cut the deficit by billions without all the pesky murder from the GOP-only versions, but will McConnell and Ryan even allow a vote? Who knows? Especially now that Hatch-Brady popped up with more of that poor-murderin' action that conservatives love so much.
Shartboy's ducking out of a major international summit in the Philippines that had been scheduled for his coming Asia trip, because he is too old/fat/tired/stupid/lazy/sharty to actually do his job. DONNIE TWO-SCOOPS HAS GOLF, YOU GUYS. GOLF'S NOT GONNA GOLF ITSELF, Y'KNOW.
...and if nations like China and Russia gleefully step into the void left by our President's slacker indifference? Fuck you, America. Your President simply does not care.
Speaking of international diplomacy, our new ambassador to Canada has looked at climate science from Both Sides, Now...and finds them more or less equal, which is NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS, YOU DIZZY TWIT.
Will Justin Trudeau find it insulting that we've sent an ambassador that couldn't pass third grade? Hope not. If he starts takin' pointers from the North Koreans...we got trouble, friends.
Oh, look at this. Another politically motivated murder by a deranged Drumpf supporter. Actually killed his own dad. Hey, if we're not too busy leaving refugees to die in war zones in order to placate paranoid dumbasses, maybe we can talk about the rapidly-expanding problem of deranged, radicalized-by-the-right-wing-internet, rage-filled, murderous, shitsack white boys?
See where Precious Paul Manafort is now under investigation by the Manhattan U.S. attorney's office for money laundering? For the kids keeping score at home, that's a STATE-level charge, so Boss Shart has none of that magic pardoning power, and therefore this particular news surely sent more than a few sets of testicles shrinking into hiding.
...shines a little light on why Don the Con has been personally interviewing U.S. attorney candidates, though.
In a little bit of good news, the Jane Doe in federal immigration detention was granted the right to have the abortion she was always legally entitled to, despite the GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED FUCKING STATES fighting tooth and nail to prevent it. Mike Pence must've been too busy to barge into the room and personally tackle the doctor, I guess. Probably masturbating to photographs of aging, unadopted, house pets.
And hey, Kid Rock won't actually be running for the Senate, that counts as a win, right? Shit, TWO good news stories in one blog post? I may just celebrate with a pouch of freeze-dried chocolate pudding from the fallout shelter I'm building!
Princess Ivanka's campaigning her ass off for the tax "reform" bill that'll save her millions, demonstrating more dedication than she's shown for any other issue that's grabbed her fancy to date, isn't that WEIRD?
Meanwhile we learned that the DNC took over bankrolling the opposition research that resulted in the famous Piss Dossier once Republicans gave up and went Full Fascist. This is otherwise known as Politics as Usual, but golly, Smallhands Magoo and his craven media surrogates are celebrating like he cast off this whole Russia thang once and for all.
Heh. Let 'em, says I. Mueller's still on the job. If the indictments come as a shocking surprise, well...that's just sprinkles on the cupcake.
In contrast, we learned that the Shart Campaign's data team at Cambridge Analytica went to Julian Assange for some of those sweet, sweet, hacked Clinton e-mails, which is, y'know, a CRIME. Assange even confirmed it, but I guess the deal fell apart when Cambridge proved incapable of smuggling a hooker carrying nine boxes of Julian's favorite Little Debbie Snack Cakes into the Ecuadorian embassy where he's hiding like a coward from rape charges.
Let's check in on the Perpetual Motion Trumpal Nut-Punching Machine we call "Polling." Still the least popular president ever? Check. Record low in the Fux Gnuz poll? Check. Underwater in fucking INDIANA? Check. Oh, and the Fux poll had Dems up on the generic congressional ballot...by FIFTEEN points.
The Candycorn Skidmark gave a little impromptu press conference today, talking mostly about great and smart he is (as we all know, the one true hallmark of intelligence is repeated declarations of intelligence. Isaac Newton was notorious for his "Smarter than you, dumbass!" t-shirts.) He shit on Flake a bit, and that one war widow lady, too, and reminded us that his daddy bought him a spot in a fancy college.
He says he has one of "greatest memories of all time," which is particularly comical coming from the guy who frequently wanders out of signing ceremonies without remembering to sign the fucking bill they threw the whole fucking ceremony for in the first place.
As questions mount relating to the disastrous terrorist ambush in Niger, your Commander in Chief wants you to know that come hell or high or water...he had nothing whatsoever to do with it. Civilian oversight of the military has been reduced to "I told you, do whatever the fuck you want, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GOLFING," heaven help us all.
Ben Carson hasn't been in the news much lately, but don't worry, he's still a huge festering asshole.
ACA premiums are going up, an average of 34% for silver plans, which Baron Golfin von Fatfuk somewhat hilariously imagines he won't be blamed for.
Hey, the government wants to double the prices to gain entry to a bunch of national parks, isn't that somethin'? Even the MOTHERFUCKING OUTDOORS is only for rich people now! "Oh, you wanted to partake of our nation's majestic natural beauty? Well, you shoulda made more $$$$$, you fucking PARASITE! STOP BREATHING MY AIR, TAKER!"
And looka here, the Republican candidate for Virginia governor is closing out the race with an ad supporting...Confederate monuments? And to think, some say the GOP is out of ideas.
And of course, Team Shart STILL refuses to actually implement the Russia sanctions passed into law, because they are in no way beholden to Uncle Vlad or his merry band of oligarch gangsters, WINK WINK.
Before we sign off, don't miss this NYT piece on General John Kelly...maybe not one of the worst guys, but definitely not one of the good guys.
Since it's almost Halloween, I suppose I should try to scare you a bit before I go, right? Ok, but fair warning: send the kids out of the room before you click THIS LINK.
*What the fuck are eye teeth? I don't fuckin' know. I don't fuckin' care. You can have 'em.
One Year In, O'Reilly is Already Yelling at God
Hello my loves...as always, my deepest thanks for reading, and please check out the piece with links at:
http://showercapblog.com/not-even-one-year-bill-oreilly-already-yelling-god/
My friends, we are so deep in the Weeds of Madness now that we need Francis Ford Coppola to make a film titled APOCALYPSE EVERY THREE MINUTES OR SO starring a CGI Marlon Brando reciting Lady Gaga lyrics backwards with all the pretension he can muster.
So Comrade Shart keeps ignoring deadlines to impose legally-mandated sanctions on Russia, but he somehow found time to ban Bill Browder, one of Uncle Vlad's very least favorite people, from entering the United States.
Browder is one of the leading advocates for the Magnitsky Act sanctions that keep fucking Vlad and his Merry Band of Oligarchs so very, very hard. So they fabricated some bullshit charges, sent 'em to Interpol, and Donald said "Yes boss, should I stooge out some more undercover operatives for ya today?" and Vlad chuckled and said "That won't be necessary...but I will require you to DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!"
And Lindsey Graham's over in the corner, going "Golly Gee, my golfin' pal Don seems to have a 'blind spot' when it comes to Russia, and dip my balls in a bucket of ice cold sweet tea if I can figure out what it is!"
Fuck you, Lindsey.
So I guess we're putting nuke-armed planes back on 24-hour alert, for the first time since Bell Biv DeVoe was charting? That's neat. You thought DR. STRANGELOVE was satire? WELL, YOU'RE LIVIN' IN IT NOW, CUUUUUUUUCKS!
Brad Parscale, digital director of the Shart Campaign, voted "Most Likely to Lie Under Oath" by his peers, gets his turn in front of the House Intelligence Committee soon. Don't worry, Brad. I'm sure it's just the latest zany coincidence, how all those Russian fake gnus sites micro-targeted their Pizzagate stories so dang well.
John McCain went on The View to sing a little song about Il Douche that went something like:
Lied about spurs on his bony bony
Dodging that draft cuz he's such a phony
And then all the hosts asked "Hey, that orange-tinted fellow keeps threatening you, are you a-scurred of him at all?" and Senator McCain just laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed.
We all understand how being laughed at sends SCROTUS into fits, so you know the pure, unadulterated, joyous, amusement radiating off Senator McCain at the mere thought of perceiving him as even the teeeeeniest bit frightening left him shaking his wee, inadequate, fists at the heavens in impotent rage.
(All the nuclear codes in the world won't make a man out of you, Donald. And every human being on earth knows it.)
Couple this with the article in the Post about how everyone in congress views the Shart of the Deal as a blundering nincompoop who can't be trusted, who knows fuckall about anything, LEAST OF ALL DEALMAKING, HAR HAR HAR, just a rube they manipulate like a spoiled child, and you can't help but wonder whether or not Velveeta Goebbels understands that he's become the most mocked man on Earth.
Scott Pruitt's hiring a bunch of new security guards, allegedly due to threats received from talking cartoon animals from Fern Gully movies. No money for Meals on Wheels, but there are millions lying around for Scotty 2 Haughty, who feels fancier with his own personal, shittier, Secret Service. Got it.
Pruitt gets a private army, Zinke gets his own flag...what next? Maybe Wilbur Ross sets up a bear-baiting pit in the Herbert C. Hoover Building lobby?
Bill O'Reilly is 31 flavors of pissed off that the world found out about his $32 million Pervert Payoff. Apparently it's a massive "hit job" by the dirty librul media to make him look bad?
Meanwhile, the rest of America is STILL trying to figure out what level of depravity a man has to sink to to necessitate a THIRTY-TWO MILLION DOLLAR PAYOUT.
THIRTY-TWO MILLION. I've typed and erased some genuinely horrifying speculations from this paragraph. Is there, like, video of O'Reilly eating Sean Hannity's asshole after some sort of horrific spicy burrito challenge?
What's publicly known about this settlement already heavily implies rape. A "nonconsensual sexual relationship." That's what's already out there. And somehow, there's something else, something worth THIRTY-TWO MILLION DOLLARS to cover up.
My brain is literally refusing to contemplate this further. Whatever Bill-O is hiding, it must be...god, I don't even want to pick a word to end this sentence. SHUDDER.
(Oh fucking hell. While I'm writing tonight, I see that Bill O'Reilly, a dude who is WIDELY accused of serial sexual abuse, is now blaming God for his troubles. God. Motherfucking GOD. Bill O'Reilly, Lifelong Jagoff Pervert, is mad at YAHWEH ABOVE ALL for whatever nastiness led him to sign off on a 32 MILLION DOLLAR PERVERT SETTLEMENT. I retire, folks. I can't top that shit.)
Moving on. The Marmalade Shartcannon continues his passionate devotion to the one issue that drives him above all others; attacking black women who have the audacity to criticize him.
In this case, that seems to mean using the full force of the famed Presidential bully pulpit to shit on the 24-year-old widow of a soldier killed serving his country.
Folks, I know we're barely nine months into this unceasing, hurricane-grade, shitshow, and we sort of expect some new atrocity to manifest daily, but lest we become numb to the mendacious, casually racist, lazy evil of this regime, read that last sentence a couple more times to give it the weight it deserves.
The President of the United States, having caused a Gold Star widow unnecessary pain with his insensitive "condolence" call, rather than apologizing, or even just moving on with his life, decided to call her a liar. Publicly. Loudly.
Why? Why is the Commander in Chief taking time out of what ought to be a busy day just to attack a woman who wasn't even allowed to open her husband's casket, such was the state of his remains? Does he have nothing better to do? With millions of American citizens STILL without power in Puerto Rico?
How warped with racist hate do you have to be to make the decision our President made this morning, lying in bed with his phone, to tweet that attack on a grieving private citizen? And yeah, let's be honest about the racism at work here...Eminem dumped on him in front of an audience of MILLIONS, and Shartboy didn't say a thing. But a black woman, backed up by a a black, female member of Congress? THAT cannot pass uncontested.
...I'm just tired of being governed by a Walking Sack of Shit, is all I'm saying. A man who sees "very fine people" in a gathering of Nazi terrorists, but an enemy in a fallen soldier's grieving wife.
Ex-Congressdeadbeat Joe Walsh spent the day fighting for his God-given inalienable right to shit on a family that gave more for their country than he ever will, surprising exactly nobody who recalls his race against Tammy Duckworth.
Look Joe, of COURSE you have the right to attack Myeshia Johnson. Shit, you have the RIGHT to wander the halls of a pediatric cancer ward, eating ice cream you refuse to share and taunting the patients with all the things you get to do that they don't; it just makes you an enormous asshole.
Walsh is like one of those College Republican fratboys who act like the freedom of the entire Republic hinges on their personal right to use the N word.
As a super-fun sidebar to the Niger story, I guess it turns out that our Senators didn't even know we had troops deployed there in the first place? Even Lindsey Graham, who has a complete set of Topps International Quagmire trading cards autographed by the commanding officers of each debacle, has been caught unawares.
I guess electing a know-nothing with a "Whatever You Want, General" approach to civilian oversight of the military wasn't the best idea. HUH.
Also, Melania launched her anti-bullying campaign today. Are there any available jokes left on this topic? I don't get these posts up until relatively late in the day, and I have to assume every inch of this particular field is well-trampled by now.
We're getting a bunch of stories lately about how the GOP, so vigorous in their pursuit of "oversight" just one short year ago, seem curiously uninterested in monitoring the crimes of the executive branch these days, even as Jared Kushner leaves the office with pockets bulging with Revolutionary War-era silverware every night.
Apparently Elijah Cummings has been pestering Gowdy Doody to investigate those private e-mails Jar-Jar and Ivanka were using (you remember, the ones they hastily moved to Trump Organization servers once the media discovered them), which is weird, because you'd think Trey would be all over this, I seem to remember him getting REALLY worked up about private e-mail use in the past. Maybe I'm confused.
You sort of want to see a buddy cop show starring Cummings and Gowdy, where Elijah continually presses his partner to investigate crimes, but Trey refuses unless the alleged perpetrator is Hillary Clinton. At the end of every episode, America dies a little.
See that Politico story about all the fucktons of money Democratic candidates are raising for 2018 elections, and how much piss is accumulating in the collective pants of Republicans who have to face voters with "Hey, I know the President spends a lot of time golfing and defending Nazi terrorists, but at least we passed no bills that matter, vote for meeeeeeeohgodIknowhowstupiditsoundstoevenask," with at least 162 candidates raising more than 100 grand already? GODDAMN THAT IS A SEXXXY STORY, IS IT NOT?
I don't know about y'all, Resisters, but I am SEXUALLY AROUSED for the rapidly approaching opportunity to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Oh God, it's just over a year away now, but I think I need to put some Marvin Gaye on. Unnnnnnnnnnnh.
I missed this one, but it looks like the Army Reserve, despite missing recruiting goals, has banned green card holders from enlisting, because racism is more important than security to the turdworms governing our country.
...sleep tight.
Knowing that the massive giveaway to the wealthy donor class their tax plan proposes will be frowned upon by the rubes who happily ate all those platefuls of horseshit Orange Julius Caesar fed them on the campaign trail, Republicans have decided to fall back on their one tried n' true tactic: lying with shit-eating grins on their faces.
The standard line is that the "average" family will magically have $4,000 extra, through the magic of trickle-down economics, which will totally work this time, unlike all the other times.
The line also fudges a bit on the whole "average" thing. Yes, Secretary Mnuchin will save enough money to keep his trophy wife hanging around a year or two after the viagra stops working, and Donnie Dotard's shitty devolved children will save enough to build a compound in some third world nation without an extradition treaty, but you? Shit, Dawg! Go ahead, splurge! Get sprinkles on that donut. Replace the laces in your work shoes. If you wanna get real nutz, take the whole family to the movies, just don't order large sodas. POPULISM!
And Republicans in Iowa threw in the towel on their latest attempt to "restructure" Obamacare, having run into the same problem Republicans always encounter in their health care fuckery: how to take coverage away from their constituents while still avoiding blame for all the death n' stuff. Call it the How Can We Get Them to Thank Us For Unplugging Gramma Conundrum.
Anyway, I'm tired, and I can't think of a funny way to wrap up tonight's post, FOR WHICH I BLAME GOD. Go about your business, all ye Resisters, all ye Cucks.
John Kelly is a Bad Guy, Richard Spencer is a Terrorist, and What Betsy DeVos is We Dont Have a Wor
Hullo friends...as always, the post is available with links n' goodies at:
http://showercapblog.com/john-kelly-bad-guy-richard-spencer-terrorist-betsy-devos-dont-word-yet/
Hey everybody, I'm pleased to announce a Kickstarter for the very first piece of Official Shower Cap Merch! It's the Talking Stephen Miller Forehead Extension, just in time for Halloween! Simply grind your teeth in flustered resentment to trigger sensors at the temples, and your Talking Stephen Miller Forehead Extension will pontificate at length about the Laziness of Janitors, Why He Can't Be Friends With Brown People, or "Will Some Woman Please Touch Me, Just So I Can Finally Learn What It's Like, I Have Money."
I see Ol' Dubya gave a little speech, with the surprisingly-controversial theme of "Hey, maybe we shouldn't all be racist idiot jagoff hatemongers," which Steve Bannon derided as "high-falutin."
High-falutin.
This then, is the rift in the modern GOP: Team Less Hate, Maybe? versus Team TOLERANCE IS COASTAL ELITIST CUCKISM THE FOUNDERS DIDN'T TELL US WHOSE LAWN WE CAN OR CAN'T BURN CROSSES ON.
Darth Wino was vomiting up his acidic bile for a gathering of feral California Republicans, who helpfully shouted "HANG HIM" at the mention of Senator John McCain's name.
I admit to a level of fascination at the kind of person who walks around this earth with words like "HANG HIM" on the tip of their tongue. I mean, I'm pretty passionate about this shit, but I tend to dwell mainly in "USE CONSTITUTIONAL MEANS TO REMOVE HIM FROM OFFICE" territory. But then, I am a Cuck.
We're learning more and more about the debacle in Niger, and there are some ugly failures of leadership here, which I'm sure Gowdy Doody, an old hand at these kinds of investigations, will hold the White House and the Pentagon accountable for.
HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHHHHAHAHHHAHAHHA. Isn't it neat that simply suggesting Republicans hold themselves to the standards they set for their opponents is a joke? Just by itself?
The Sunny D-Bag has been personally interviewing US Attorney candidates for districts where he's likely to face prosecution for his many, many, crimes, and not just those committed against Perfectly Good Steaks.
Candidates are administered questionnaires asking them to rank crimes on a scale from "Jaywalking" to "Hillary's E-mails," with perhaps-leading entries like "An itsy-bitsy bit of Russian collusion because you just wanted to make America great again so dang much" or "Grabbing them by the pussy, which is automatically consensual when you're a star."
Speaking of Shart Garfunkel's enormous legal troubles, word is he's pledging $430,000 of his own money to pay Russia-investigation-related legal fees for his underlings, because why half-ass corruption, right? Direct bribes to potential witnesses against him, and it's barely a story. I miss arguing about the size of Obama's flag pin.
Well, if y'all believe that "pledge," go for it. Maybe you can get the Washington Post to shame him into paying up down the road, but if I were you I'd rent an apartment near a pawn shop, for convenience's sake.
Richard Spencer gave a little speech down in Florida. Well, it was supposed to be a speech, it turned out to be mostly lil' Richie standing on a stage whining about all the protesters who came out to yell at him for being such a dickless loser.
A particular high point came when Spencer, with all the genius one would expect from a leader of the master race, opened the floor for a question-and-answer session, apparently unprepared for the entirely predictable onslaught of mockery he unleashed on himself. Topics ranged from "How do you like being punched, you punchable punching bag, you?" to "How do you pee without a dick?" to "If you're so racially superior, why do you look like a foot with a Lego Man's haircut?"
Oh, did I mention the Nazi terrorists? Can't forget the Nazi terrorists.
Because ONCE AGAIN a Spencer speech was accompanied by, say it together, folks: NAZI TERRORISTS. The University of Florida had to pony up 600 grand for extra security, because wherever Spencer goes, he's accompanied by a band of violent, knuckle-dragging morons, because he is the spokesman for a TERRORIST MOVEMENT.
Anyway, a trio of NAZI TERRORISTS (are these the "very fine people" SHARTUS was talking about?" gave Nazi salutes, shouted some racist shit, and fired a gun into a crowd of human beings. They've been arrested, so at least a few more NAZI TERRORISTS are off the streets.
So yeah, I'm pretty much done with talking about the free speech rights of a guy who drags an entourage of murderous thugs with him wherever he goes. This isn't breaking fucking news, people...the Nazi/Klan/White Supremacist movement is, and always has been, an extremely violent one, with genocidal goals, and I submit Their Entire History Up To and Including This Week as my evidence. Maybe we should stop spending hundreds of thousands of dollars facilitating events where these NAZI TERRORISTS can gather to share recipes and try to murder people? CONTROVERSIAL, I KNOW.
Somebody sold the Human Garbage Pail Kid a fake Renoir, but the Art Institute of Chicago has the real one. God, if I knew then what I know now, I would've spent my entire life to this point selling Donald Trump fake art. Dumbfuck rube obsessed with outward status symbols, utterly lacking in knowledge or taste? Jesus. I could've made MILLIONS. You could sell him a photograph of a painting and he'd think it was real. I'VE WASTED MY LIFE.
Betsy DeVos rescinded 72 regulations designed to protect the rights of students with disabilities, because she's a monster. No jokes, she's just a horrible human being. What the fuck can you joke about? Under DeVos, the Department of Education has given MORE rights to campus rapists, and taken rights away from disabled kids.
Did you know that in her middle school production of OLIVER!, Betsy only auditioned for the role of the Mean Lady in the Orphanage who gets mad when Oliver asks for more gruel? She wrote a whole new song for the character, about how orphans are Takers and Drags on Society and should probably just be culled, but her teacher wouldn't let her sing it, because even at age eleven, young Betsy radiated an evil that made audiences uncomfortable.
We were all clinging desperately to the notion that there were a couple of grown-ups surrounding and restraining our Idiot Manchild President, folks with enough fundamental decency to reign in the chintzy mob family looting our nation before they set the whole fucking planet on fire, but John Kelly really took a smelly dump on that fantasy this week, didn't he?
Kelly solemnly told a tale of the Very Bad Awfulness of Representative Frederica Wilson, who he claimed gave a speech bragging about single-handedly funding and building a shiny new FBI field office, before going off on lengthy tangents about how much she can bench and how most FBI agents are fat and stupid and whine about how itchy the wire they have to wear is when they have to go undercover.
And of course a video turned up about ten minutes later proving Kelly to be full of USDA-certified, grass-fed, Grade A bullshit. Stood in front of the whole damn country and indignantly told a big, stupid, useless, rapidly disproven lie. And why? To cover for his dumbfuck, puddinghead boss, who has declared Representative Wilson an Enemy of the People for the high crime of Criticizing Donald Trump While Black and Female.
(Kelly also lamented that we no longer held women "sacred," or some other Neanderthal idiocy, before going back to work facilitating the agenda of the grotesque old pervert who likes to brag about barging into beauty pageant dressing rooms to ogle naked teenagers.)
Of course you knew you could count on Sarah Huckabee Sanders to condescendingly declare that it's "highly inappropriate" to disagree with a 4 star general, even when he's caught, pants-down and rosy-cheeked, in a total falsehood.
SHS always has just that tiny burning glint in the corner of her otherwise-dead eyes, the glint fueled by the belief that though she must, for now, tolerate these mewling fools and their "press freedoms," their "transparency," their precious "First Amendment," her boss has promised her the opportunity to reign over the Washington Post as their new Editor-in-Chief/Commandant when their headquarters is repurposed as a concentration camp once shit finally gets real.
Am I going too far with the Nazi gags on poor Sarah? Fuck her. White House Press Secretary stands in front of the nation, and the world, saying we have no right to question a military leader? (Shit, we can even set aside the context where Kelly was clearly, objectively, lying.) It's pure fucking fascism, and we will teach our children, and our children's children, about what a giddy little fascist you were, Sarah, so that they'll know what a fascist looks like the next time they come knocking.
AND SPEAKING OF FASCISM (I can't tell you how gloomy it makes me to be able to use that phrase to transition between news stories, but we are where we are) the wife of Deposed HHS Capo Tom Price, a Georgia State Representative, wants to quarantine Americans with HIV!
I swear, these people are positively HORNY to open up camps. Like, it's been their bucket list fantasy all along, the sort of thing they'd wistfully muse upon at Hamptons fundraisers..."Y'know what I'd REALLY like to do...but ah, such things went out of fashion with Lindbergh, I suppose."
Anyhow. Now Team Shart's scrambling to create the appearance that they give half a fuck about the men and women they send overseas to die, overnighting hastily-scrawled "condolence" letters to the families of other soldiers killed during their term, not because of any genuine sense of compassion or appreciation, but because they lied and told everyone they already had.
Our crack team of investigative journalists were able to obtain one of these letters, reproduced here:
Please enjoy this coupon good for 35% off a side of scampi at your local Red Lobster, not valid during holidays or weekends, and I've told Mike Pompeo to personally monitor your Cheddar Bay Biscuit intake, so don't even think about taking advantage of my Presidential generosity just because your husband/father/son died in service to his country, HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO.
Roy Moore failed to disclose half a million dollars on his campaign filings, breaking the law. For a Senate candidate, Moore breaks the law a LOT. Actually, for just an average, run-of-the-mill human being, Moore breaks the law a lot. But hey, he hates the gays, and Alabama gets two Senators, so I guess he'll be making laws soon. Yay.
(OR you can help Doug Jones teach the Bannonites of the world a valuable lesson. DONATE RIGHT GODDAMN NOW.)
The five living ex-Presidents gathered together in a moving show of bipartisan unity, appearing side-by-side to raise funds for hurricane victims, while the current President...went golfing. Again. Fucker Golfs so much you wonder how he finds to time to whinge incessantly at the suffering Americans in Puerto Rico for making him look bad.
WaPo dropped the latest entry in the exhausting Real Muricans Who Don't Give a Fuck How Reprehensible Drumpf is So Long as he Keeps Stickin' It to the Browns, this time focusing on I Got My Hurricane Relief, Fuck Puerto Rico. The star of the piece is a surly old turd who didn't even have flood insurance, landed 14 grand in free money from the government, and still bitches about the lack of "responsibility" of his fellow Americans in the exact same situation, only browner.
These must be those "Values Voters" I'm always hearing about.
See where Tangerine Idi Amin's latest executive order allows the military to draft retired pilots? You kinda wonder if, the moment Mueller starts dropping indictments, Donnie Dotard will just throw a dart at a map and order the carpet bombing of, oh, let's say Peru.
The Failing New York Times let us know Fux Gnus renewed Serial Pervert Bill O'Reilly's contract, even gave him a raise, after a 32 million dollar sexual harassment settlement.
I've gotten used to the ever-increasing levels of depravity throughout the course of this massively fucked-up year, folks, but I cannot fathom what 32 million dollars worth of sexual harassment looks like. I bet Mike Pence locked himself in his office for an unusually-vigorous sandpaper-and-bacon-grease wank session just IMAGINING what the fuck Bill O'Reilly was willing to shell out THIRTY-TWO MILLION BUCKS to hide.
Fox has reportedly spent over $100,000,000 settling sexual harassment lawsuits. Well, that explains why they can't afford to do any actual journalism.
Anyway, Fox dutifully spent the rest of the week ignoring this news to focus on how Harvey Weinstein personally wrote a third of the text of the ACA. Or maybe just putting fake veterans on the air to praise their fake President. Who knows? Who cares?
Well, I've got to get back to work on the Talking Stephen Miller Forehead Extension. It's got this glitch where it keeps screaming about "blood and soil," I dunno what that's about. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Resisters!
Maybe We Should Just Be Grateful for the 44 Presidents Who DIDN'T Shit on Gold Star Families
Hiya folks. As always, feel free to check out the post on the site:
http://showercapblog.com/maybe-just-grateful-44-presidents-didnt-shit-gold-star-families/
We keep finding new ways to miss Obama, don't we? The class, the intellect. The way he actually knew things about policy. The absence of white supremacists in key advisory positions. The way he never seemed to want to goad anybody into starting a nuclear war. That little certain..."something" he had about him, where he'd never tell a Gold Star father that he was going to send him a bunch of money and then just flat fucking not do it.
Standards, they change.
Well, let's document the madness...they say that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, and I sure as shit don't want to repeat any of this garbage.
Always nice to see The Mooch squeeze out another nanosecond of fame, even if it does involve sending out a "Can I Get a WUT WUT From All the Holocaust Deniers Up in Here?!?" Twitter poll.
Wait, did I say nice? I meant "dry-heave inducing." Honest mistake.
Orange Julius Caesar took to the PolyMatric Twitter Machine to boast about prototypes for his Big Stupid Wall. He's SUPER proud, even though he hasn't secured any funding for said Big Stupid Wall, and his track record for getting what he wants out of congress is...somewhat less than sublime.
Ah well. I hope he gets his hopes way, way up for this.
The Shart's pick to head up the DEA withdrew his nomination, for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that a WaPo/60 Minutes exposé busted him for pushing a bullshit law that made drug companies richer from killing Americans with over-prescribed opioids. Why our President is outsourcing the vetting of his high-level appointments to the allegedly "fake" news media is anybody's guess.
Young Jar-Jar has hired another lawyer, a dude who previously represented Hulk Hogan and Harvey Weinstein, because of course he did.
Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops fell 92 spots on Forbes Magazine's Rich Fuckers List, with wealth shrinkage to the tune of 600 billion dollars, SAD. You know this pissed the President of the United States off more than, say, millions of his constituents suffering without power or clean water, because we're governed by a man with the priorities of Scrooge McDuck's evil doppelgänger from the mirror universe.
Still, I laughed.
Apparently it was Spicey's turn under the hot lights of Robert Mueller's investigation. Sources say Spicer attempted to synch his story with that of former Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, but that Reince's testimony amounted primarily to uncontrollable sobbing and pleas for mercy.
Tangerine Idi Amin continues his feud with Senator John McCain, because I guess General Kelly still hasn't told his boss where impeachment trials take place. Littlefinger's mad because McCain gave a speech suggesting that America was maybe a little bit better than a cheap dumbfuck Nazi and his dotard nationalism, and Don was all "I resemble that remark!' Drumpf made a few threats, which is kinda cute at this point, like, "Aw, after 9 solid months of nonstop losing, he thinks people are afraid him. Who's a big, scary President? YOU are!"
Belligerent Traitor Mike Flynn's lunatic son is getting subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee. I hope they set up some sort of windshield before Junior's testimony, because he's a raving, slobbering, lunatic, even by the standards of the 2017 GOP.
Speaking of malicious dumbasses, didja see where Roy Moore said the kneeling during the anthem is ILLEGAL? It's fun how everybody in the GOP endorsed a guy for the Senate who neither understands nor believes in the first amendment. We're just having all kinds of zany new debates these days!
Still, a poll showed Moore tied with his Democratic opponent, Doug Jones. And sure, it was "registered voters" not "likely voters," but maybe we've stumbled across the one dude who's Too Crazy for Alabama. Shit, David Vitter lost the Louisiana governor's race a little while back, right?
...especially since the story broke about Moore's "charity" taking donations from a literal Nazi. A Holocaust-denying NAZI. Is it really asking so much that our Senators don't take money from Nazis? I mean, I understand that standards have lowered over the last year and a half, but surely, SURELY we can all agree that a guy who doesn't like the First Amendment, refuses to obey the rule of law, AND TAKES MONEY FROM FUCKING NAZIS doesn't belong in the United States Senate.
...donate to Doug Jones, is what I'm saying.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag laments that it's "very hard not to give tax cuts to the wealthy" I hear you, bud. I was feeding the cat this morning, and I accidentally cut the capital gains tax almost 6%, without really realizing I was doing it. I created a new loophole just for the Kochs and Mercers while warming up a Hot Pocket last Wednesday. Shit, I even let an insurance program that provides health care to 9 million vulnerable children expire just last...oh hang on, that wasn't me, that was Congress.
Y'know how everybody said the Velveeta Urinal Cake's ACA sabotage would lead to large premium increases? Well, his ACA sabotage has lead to large premium increases. In, fittingly, key swing states that voted for him. Of course, he tweeted "NOT MY FAULT," which will surely solve this problem just like it solved all of Puerto Rico's hurricane relief problems.
Shartboy's Muslim ban version three has been held up in court (a couple of courts, actually), despite the fake mustache and glasses Stephen Miller slapped on the latest version to make it look like Not a Muslim Ban at All. So not all the news is bad.
The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard returned to the Senate Judiciary Committee for another round of questioning. It went more or less like last time...Sessions refusing to answer the most important questions because...well, he's the nation's top law enforcement official, and what's he gonna do, prosecute himself?
It's always fun to watch Al Franken grill Ol' Beau for that whole lying-under-oath thing. Sessions gets all fake-mad like he's about to march across the floor and slap Franken with a white glove, but he knows he'd wind up with his ass kicked, so he just whimpers indignantly.
Well, General Kelly finally pried his boss away from the golf course long enough to do his job for a few minutes, making condolence calls to the families of the soldiers killed in Niger a couple of weeks (and many many games of golf) ago. Kelly urged the President to demonstrate empathy, but Drumpf sneered "there you go making up words again, John. Get me a taco bowl."
And by now you've heard how this call went.
"Wow, I bet that stinks, having a dead husband. But c'mon, he knew what he has getting into. Fuck, that's why I made up fake bone spurs, to dodge the draft so I wouldn't be sent to die in some shithole by an uncaring fuckhead like myself. This reminds me of the guy I got killed in Yemen, I should send a fruit basket. So long as I don't have to pay for it. Anyway. You got your call, this'll really help get the media off my back, so you're welcome!"
And of course all Presidential sympathy goes out the window once the criticism goes public, so Sgt. La David Johnson's reward for his sacrifice is to have his surviving family turned into enemies of the state because to Il Douche, Dying in the Line of Duty matters significantly less than Smooching the Presidential Buttocks.
And almost immediately, we found out that Sharty McFly promised a DIFFERENT grieving military family that he'd personally write them a $25,000 check...and then, instead of following through...didn't. Just kept on golfin' and lyin' and golfin' and golfin', because promising charitable donations that he refuses to actually deliver is second nature to the man.
The Shart House was positively indignant that the librul media would take the President to task for FUCKING WITH A MAN WHO LOST HIS SON IN AFGHANISTAN, and they totally put the check in the mail as soon as they learned the media had the story. HOW DARE YOU, LIBRUL MEDIA?
This all surfaced the same day NPR let us know the Shart's L.A. golf club also fibbed a bit about their charitable giving. What's "a bit?" Oh, just a few million. Who among us hasn't taken credit for millions of dollars worth of charitable donations that we didn't actually make?
According to CNN, some GOP types think it's time to wrap up all this Russian collusion investigation hullabaloo, because unlike say, Benghazi, this particular line of inquiry is A) Based in actual fact and B) Bad for Republicans rather than Democrats. I forget, when was the last time one of these fucks asked for STILL ANOTHER investigation into Hillary's e-mails?
And ICE wants to use more private prison cells for the undocumented immigrants they're rounding up, because while using the full weight of the American law enforcement apparatus to enforce and inflict systemic institutional racism is reward enough for a White Supremacist Ideologue like Jeff Sessions, there's no reason you shouldn't take advantage of the situation and throw a few bucks at your donors in the private prison industry! It's Shitty White Guy Multi-tasking!
Oh, and the Trump Administration went to court to prevent an undocumented immigrant in detention from getting an abortion.
Wait, what?
THE MOTHERFUCKING TRUMP ADMINISTRATION WENT TO MOTHERFUCKING COURT TO PREVENT AN UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANT IN DETENTION FROM GETTING A MOTHERFUCKING ABORTION?!?!?!
Fortunately, the ACLU won the case, and a judge ordered the government to allow the immigrant (a teenager, for fuck's sake!) to have the procedure.
Jeff Sessions, you Mississippi-Burning-the-Musical reject, keep your grubby little mittens out of women's bodies! I mean that mostly figuratively, but literally too, you creepy little Hate Elf.
A major pro-Trump Twitter account purporting to be some spittle-drenched gang of Tennessee Republicans turned out to be straight-up run by professional, government-paid Russian trolls, isn't that neat? More than 100,000 Rube followers, hot-n-horny to be misled by a hostile foreign power looking to fuck America's shit up. Uncle Vlad thanks you for your service, Rubes.
Neater still, a bunch of high-ranking officials in the Shart campaign spread propaganda from this Russian troll account in the waning days of the 2016 clusterfuck. Hey, Kellyanne, collaborate much?
I just want to extend a special thanks to our countrymen over in the Cult45 Rube Army, it really takes a special kind of asshole to collaborate so willingly with a foreign enemy! The Russkie plan to Weaponize our Morons wouldn't be possible without all you Morons.
I guess Peter Navarro, one of the idiots you don't hear much about, circulated a "document" through the government that was really just a couple of chintzy power point slides claiming we need to blow up trade deals or something because losing manufacturing jobs causes every ill from spousal abuse to Sense8's cancellation.
Shame you guys don't have any actual plans to bring manufacturing jobs back, innit? (Beyond, of course, simply claiming you already have, regardless of the truth.)
Hey, now you can see Pence 4 Less! Nobody wants to watch Number Two iron his hairshirt in Denver, so prices are dropping fast! This comes hot on the heels of a humiliatingly-poorly attended rally for Ed Gillespie in Virginia, so I think Mikey should probably cancel that headlining tour. Maybe he can open for Starship on the State Fair circuit.
...yeah, I miss Obama, alright. There were a lot less Nazis, for one. And Sense8 was on.
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